Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss William's KFC Review | And Jordan's Northern Problem About this episode What do you do when you've got a long drive with the UK's leading etiquette expert? Make him eat KFC, of course. The boys also discuss whether your tour predictions came true and Jordan's biggest regret.
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Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production.
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Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 The midpoint of life, a time to celebrate. Take stock and ask what's next. I'm Gabby Logan and on Life at the Midpoint, I'm joined by famous faces who share how they're navigating this stage of life. Plus, experts with advice on change, challenges and everything in between. And I'm tackling your dilemmas and questions as we figure it all out together. Listen every Tuesday and Thursday. Search for Life at the Midpoint.
0:33 Speaker 01 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode, where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice went down with you, our wonderful G and D-vas. William Hanson.
0:48 Speaker 02 Yes, Jordan North.
0:50 Speaker 01 You OK?
0:50 Speaker 02 Yes, fine. We've just been at a service station. Which service station was that?
0:55 Speaker 01 I don't know, but it was a-
0:56 Speaker 02 Southway. Southway. We won't lie to you. We don't recommend stopping there.
1:00 Speaker 01 Shit, oh.
1:01 Speaker 02 Wow, OK, you went there.
1:03 Speaker 01 I would call it, none of the urinals worked.
1:06 Speaker 02 Can I say, on the side that we were, southbound, it was quite calm and it was quite nice. Yeah, none of the urinals worked lovely. That's fine for me because I always use a cubicle.
1:18 Speaker 01 It was sweetness and light.
1:19 Speaker 02 It was then when we were made to cross the footbridge to go in search of something called, and Jean-Denis, you may know what this is, I don't, a KFC. That's where it all went downhill.
1:29 Speaker 01 We're going to be on here. We've had another, not an argument.
1:31 Speaker 02 Not an argument at all.
1:32 Speaker 01 It wasn't an argument, we were just a bit-
1:34 Speaker 03 Tensions, tensions were raised, I think.
1:36 Speaker 01 It got a bit tense, so we decided to get on the bus and just have 10 minutes chill. Naturally, Izzy just-
1:43 Speaker 02 We put on some Dix and Dallas.
1:45 Speaker 01 All the way through it.
1:45 Speaker 02 And all was fine.
1:46 Speaker 01 We put some Dix and Dallas on, but we went there. The services, the staff were lovely.
1:53 Speaker 02 Slow but lovely.
1:55 Speaker 01 So for me, the Rinaldo's shop. And then, um, the, uh, in, in M and S, they didn't have my favourite cappuccino bar. That's nobody's fault.
2:07 Speaker 02 They didn't have my beef, uh, beef sandwich.
2:09 Speaker 01 That's nobody's fault. Then we thought, well, this will be a good opportunity to get William Hanson's first KFC, which he's going to try in a minute.
2:15 Speaker 02 Yep.
2:15 Speaker 01 KFC, wait 25 minutes because they were, they were short staffed.
2:20 Speaker 02 Fast food.
2:20 Speaker 01 And I know, and I'm, I'm, I'm all one for, you know.
2:23 Speaker 02 I've, I've been at state banquets that have been over quicker.
2:26 Speaker 01 But do you know what tipped me over the edge?
2:27 Speaker 02 What tipped you over the edge, Jordan?
2:28 Speaker 01 I went and got a coffee.
2:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:30 Speaker 01 And they didn't have any sleeves to the coffee.
2:32 Speaker 02 Oh.
2:33 Speaker 01 And I thought, you set it. And what?
2:36 Speaker 02 And then you walked off and that was the end of that.
2:38 Speaker 01 I've, I've worked in places where you've ran out of the napkins or whatever. And people are like, right, you ran out of napkins. But yeah, it was very busy in that KFC.
2:48 Speaker 02 It was a bit busy.
2:49 Speaker 03 Busy time. It was a busy period and it doesn't help that we're in a rush to get to Manchester Arena.
2:53 Speaker 02 No, just for anyone that was listening on Tuesday, and I know people have been tuning in especially to find out, I have managed to order our beef for Easter. So I got through to the butchers.
3:02 Speaker 01 Which, so me and William came onto the tour bus just off five minutes whilst everyone was waiting for KFC. Even though we should have had a 10 minute stop, it turned into a 35 minute stop. We came in here and then we were just having quiet and then William just went, oh, hello, may I have a beef for roasting purposes over the Easter holidays? I was like, you want that?
3:19 Speaker 03 I think, I think he was asking for a spit roast and he got the running.
3:22 Speaker 02 Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben.
3:25 Speaker 01 Who gave him a mic?
3:26 Speaker 02 Ben, Ben, Ben.
3:27 Speaker 01 Right. Are you now ready to try your first ever KFC?
3:31 Speaker 02 Do I have a choice?
3:31 Speaker 01 No, you do not.
3:32 Speaker 02 What, describe what I'm actually going to be eating.
3:34 Speaker 01 The tastiest, saltiest, peppierest chicken you've ever had in your life.
3:39 Speaker 02 Okay, that's quite a claim.
3:41 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
3:41 Speaker 02 And what did you actually order for me?
3:43 Speaker 01 So we got what I thought would just be a nice, easy, and a boneless banquet. So it's like a little mini bargain bucket.
3:53 Speaker 02 Bargain bouquet.
3:54 Speaker 01 A bargain bouquet. That's what we've ordered for you. A bargain bouquet. So go on, bring it out. And I've got you the special gravy that everybody absolutely chums off as well.
4:04 Speaker 02 Everyone chummed us off it.
4:05 Speaker 01 Chums off it.
4:07 Speaker 02 Could someone hold that for me? What's that?
4:09 Speaker 01 That's the chicken.
4:10 Speaker 02 No, this is the chicken here.
4:11 Speaker 01 Oh, that's the gravy. Oh, lucky little bucket. Sorry, bouquet. Right.
4:15 Speaker 02 It's finger licking good.
4:17 Speaker 01 No, you're gonna say it's finger licking good.
4:19 Speaker 02 Scan here for nutrition and allergen info. I'm not gonna do that.
4:22 Speaker 01 And that's the kernel.
4:23 Speaker 02 Right. And also, can I just say, I think I was right a few weeks ago when I talked about KFC and I said it was probably a woman that invented it. And then literally my algorithm a week later shows me I think it basically was. So there we go. Up the women.
4:38 Speaker 01 All right. So you get a piece of chicken.
4:41 Speaker 02 I've got one here, yeah.
4:42 Speaker 01 Yeah. Oh, we got four gravies.
4:44 Speaker 02 Oh.
4:45 Speaker 01 Right, go on. It's still hot, the gravy as well.
4:47 Speaker 02 Could someone hold my microphone whilst I do this, please?
4:49 Speaker 01 Ben?
4:50 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you.
4:52 Speaker 01 Do you want some, Ben?
4:55 Speaker 02 No, but he's vegetarian, isn't he? He wouldn't dare eat anything chicken related.
4:58 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. Do you want a chip? Are you not speaking? Because I told you you were on mic too much. Oh, he's sulking. Don't sulk. So you've took your first bite. What do you think?
5:11 Speaker 02 It's finger licking good.
5:13 Speaker 01 Yeah?
5:14 Speaker 02 No, it's not for me, if I'm honest. Um.
5:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, Mikey can have it. There we go.
5:19 Speaker 01 I want, whoa, whoa, whoa, I want a bit.
5:21 Speaker 02 Okay, you can have some too.
5:22 Speaker 01 I got your fucking hell. Don't give any to bloody old, what's he called there? Henry Hoover.
5:27 Speaker 02 I will try one of their chips.
5:29 Speaker 01 Too late, Jordan. I've inhaled it. Look, give me some. He never stops that lad. Give me a bit, please.
5:37 Speaker 02 Well, thank you for giving me my first KFC. It's.
5:39 Speaker 01 Mmm.
5:40 Speaker 02 Really, it's. Was it worth the wait? I've ticked it off my bucket list.
5:43 Speaker 01 Mmm. Mmm.
5:46 Speaker 02 Right, before the turf.
5:51 Speaker 02 Can we finish?
5:52 Speaker 01 Oh, so good.
5:53 Speaker 02 Before the tour started, we asked for our Gene Devo's predictions. So now we're basically finished the tour. Let's see how many have come true.
6:01 Speaker 01 Great.
6:02 Speaker 02 Okay, so, starting with you, Jordan, I want you to... Oh, Mike is thrusting napkins, thank you. I want you to comment on whether or not they have come true.
6:12 Speaker 01 Okay.
6:13 Speaker 02 If there's an anecdote that springs to mind related to them. Were they good predictions? Or, because we still, at time of recording, have one more show, could they still happen?
6:22 Speaker 01 Okay.
6:22 Speaker 02 Alice thought that you, Jordan, would have some sort of costume malfunction onstage.
6:28 Speaker 01 Um, I mean, at the time of recording, there's still one more show to go.
6:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:34 Speaker 01 It could be possible, but no.
6:36 Speaker 02 My...
6:37 Speaker 01 Oh, actually, I did nearly... In those special pants I have to wear, I did nearly have a bollock slip out.
6:45 Speaker 02 Right, well, there's quite something in those special pants.
6:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:47 Speaker 02 I... My battery pack fell out of my costume during the Kylie.
6:53 Speaker 01 Oh, yes, it did on the first show, but you carried on like a trooper.
6:57 Speaker 02 Thank you very much. The showbiz took me. Doctor Theatre carried me through.
7:00 Speaker 01 It did.
7:01 Speaker 02 Ebony thought you, Jordan, would be so hungover, we'd need to stop for a side of the road spew.
7:09 Speaker 01 Like I said. One of us.
7:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, see next week's episode for information on that.
7:17 Speaker 01 One of us did have to pull over for a side of road spew.
7:21 Speaker 02 Admittedly, though, we weren't on tour. We were sort of in the limbo.
7:24 Speaker 01 No, look, I was saying this last night when we were having drinks at the bar, I was like, "How did I used to do a show down a box fast onstage and then go out after?"
7:32 Speaker 02 I know.
7:33 Speaker 01 And then get up and do another show?
7:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:35 Speaker 01 Top five hangovers, remember? But no, I've not been sick, no. I mean, I'm boring, I'm old now, I'm 36.
7:42 Speaker 02 Sticking with tour bus predictions, Ellie thought you, Jordan, would urinate into a bottle on the tour bus. No, but we are not stopping again on this journey, so anything could happen.
7:52 Speaker 01 I have.
7:52 Speaker 02 What? When?
7:54 Speaker 01 Lucozade bottle. Oh, you've not drunk that Lucozade, have you? It's piss.
7:56 Speaker 02 I have not drunk Lucozade.
7:58 Speaker 01 Uh, no, but again, we are not stopping now because we're running a bit late, so it might have to happen.
8:03 Speaker 02 Twan thought you'd wear something super sexy, which will make all the gays want you even more, like your sailor outfit from the last tour.
8:10 Speaker 01 Yep, that did happen, not gonna lie. The, uh... The DMs have been popping.
8:16 Speaker 02 Uh, there were also some predictions about me. Susan thought I'd be a bitch to someone in the audience. Me?
8:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, but funny.
8:24 Speaker 02 Yes. I say it with, I kill with kindness. Um, oh gosh. Caserel thought I'd down a-
8:33 Speaker 01 Carousel?
8:33 Speaker 02 No, no. Caserel.
8:35 Speaker 01 Oh.
8:36 Speaker 02 Um, thought I'd down a snake bite. Now, is that something to do with beer?
8:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I don't beer, I don't do that.
8:42 Speaker 01 No, I'd say, is it half a lager, half a cider, or half a cider, half a lager?
8:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:48 Speaker 02 Oh my God, I love this one. And actually, once we finish recording this episode and we pop the karaoke back on, we will be putting this on. Joe thought I'd play Charlotte Nielsen's Take Me To Heaven 168 times. Absolute banger.
8:59 Speaker 01 What is that? Oh, we're actually doing tunes at the moment, so we'll do that. Ben, you're on next, aren't you, for the tunes?
9:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:04 Speaker 02 After Charlotte Nielsen.
9:06 Speaker 03 Uh, yet to decide. I quite fancy a bit of Mel C.
9:09 Speaker 02 Yes.
9:10 Speaker 01 Good show.
9:10 Speaker 02 Okay, that's not, not, I'll allow you that, Ben.
9:13 Speaker 03 Thank you.
9:13 Speaker 02 Tia Jade-
9:14 Speaker 01 Turn to you. Right, we're getting that up next.
9:16 Speaker 03 Just the Bend It Like Beckham soundtrack.
9:19 Speaker 02 Tia Jade said I'd show some skin.
9:22 Speaker 01 You'd show some what?
9:23 Speaker 02 I'd show some skin.
9:25 Speaker 01 What does that mean?
9:26 Speaker 02 You know, flesh.
9:27 Speaker 03 His white bits.
9:27 Speaker 02 I'd wear, on tour, I would show a bit of skin.
9:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, and also-
9:30 Speaker 02 I think I'm probably the most revealing outfit.
9:32 Speaker 01 The weirdest thing in my entire 36 years of life was walking in the dressing room and William Hanson, I shit you not, doing weights to get pumped before we went on stage. Like Wolverine, like Q Jackman used to before Wolverine. Am I, am I right or am I right?
9:48 Speaker 02 You are right.
9:49 Speaker 01 Who is this man? He was literally doing weights, he's going, eh, sorry, I just want to get, um, a bit pumped and eh, yeah, tone before. I'm like, what is going on?
9:57 Speaker 02 Jacket Up Joel suggested I get some, just to sort of give me a little bit of pump before I go on.
10:01 Speaker 01 Oh, Jesus. Um, I've, keep me in touch. Do you, do you mind that we share dressing rooms?
10:06 Speaker 02 No, actually. And actually, I will say this, I've said this before, sometimes on tour, you know, you're like, get the tunes on, duh, duh, duh, and it's noise, noise, noise. There's been literally none of that this time.
10:14 Speaker 01 Hmm.
10:15 Speaker 02 And that's, that's really helped me.
10:16 Speaker 01 Okay.
10:17 Speaker 02 So, thank you. Um, Ben got some mentions as well. Laura thought Ben would wear hot pants. Correct.
10:23 Speaker 01 Ben?
10:24 Speaker 02 Hi.
10:25 Speaker 01 You wore hot pants?
10:26 Speaker 02 I did.
10:26 Speaker 01 Correct.
10:27 Speaker 02 A couple of times. It's not that he wore hot pants, it's the hot pants wore him.
10:30 Speaker 01 Yeah. Ben doesn't love hot pants, hot pants love Ben.
10:34 Speaker 02 Yeah. So does the front row. Steve thought Ben saying, "Hi guys," would get the same reaction as a rock star getting off their tour bus.
10:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:42 Speaker 01 Yes. Genuinely, gets the biggest cheer of the night.
10:44 Speaker 02 And finally, Hannah thought Kat won't be home when Ben gets back. Ben? Well, we yet to find out. We yet to find out, yeah. There's only one option. I love it.
10:54 Speaker 01 Oh, oh my god.
10:56 Speaker 02 Mikey has finished that KFC.
10:58 Speaker 01 It's like off a movie where you feed a monster and it comes back with just the bones left. Mikey's just demolished that KFC. And that's not me shaming, you know that makes me proud. It really does.
11:07 Speaker 02 Oh, he's putting his hand out. They're shaking now.
11:10 Speaker 01 He's shaking. Cheers, George. You know, mate, those northern boys like tea. You know, that was just a snack. Three, five, four, five. KFC in my bum.
11:24 Speaker 01 I honestly, I hope you don't think I ever shamed you.
11:28 Speaker 02 I love it.
11:29 Speaker 01 I know. I literally watched, I said it on the other episode, I literally watched him like a northern animal.
11:32 Speaker 02 I know.
11:33 Speaker 01 I just want to feed him all the time. Just want to feed him.
11:36 Speaker 02 Last week, I told the story of missing a helicopter trip over the Grand Canyon because I wanted to read Harry Potter 5. So we asked for things that you'd missed out on. Ellie missed the Statue of Liberty because they fell asleep on the ferry. Remind me, actually, when we did the Queen Mary 2 crossing from Southampton to New York years ago on holiday.
11:55 Speaker 01 How long's that take?
11:57 Speaker 02 Five or six days. And the whole thing, oh, you arrive at New York at sunrise, you see the skyline, you go past the Statue of Liberty. Smoggiest day New York had had for quite some time. We didn't see a damn thing.
12:09 Speaker 01 Just your luck, pal. Just your luck.
12:12 Speaker 02 Joanna missed seeing Beyonce live as their dad was offered the tickets at work, but he didn't know who she was, quote unquote. But Joanna did get to see Rod Stewart, though.
12:23 Speaker 02 Very similar artist.
12:24 Speaker 01 That's such a mum thing.
12:26 Speaker 02 As a child, Sophie missed a school ski trip to watch the Britain's Got Talent final.
12:32 Speaker 01 Wow.
12:32 Speaker 02 Okay.
12:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:33 Speaker 02 A school ski trip.
12:35 Speaker 01 I'd rather go on the school ski trip because when you watch these TV shows.
12:38 Speaker 02 Oh, it's so tedious.
12:40 Speaker 01 Oh, no, I'm saying that, though, if it's live.
12:42 Speaker 02 If it's live, it's a bit pastier, isn't it?
12:43 Speaker 01 It's way better, but you go to watch these TV shows. Remember I did my first panel show? That's six hours.
12:50 Speaker 02 Six hours for a forty five minute edit. Um, Ellis missed our last tour because they booked tickets and then put the wrong date in their diary. Ah. Ellis, silly Ellis, but hopefully you can, you know, join us on this one. All that's been sent in so far, that's the worst. Sarah missed a Rolling Stones concert because they had some pork in the fridge that was going out to date that night. Sorry. All that gone off meat and she missed it. What? To have the pork.
13:21 Speaker 02 That was actually really. Okay, good, well done. That was really good. Um, Hannah missed seeing a great white shark up close on a boat tour because they were in the loo throwing up. Carrie refused to visit her newborn sister in the hospital because they were watching Return of the Jedi. Okay, that's interesting. I mean, your DVD player presumably has a pause function. I missed a massive night out in Preston to watch the final series of Mad Men.
13:48 Speaker 02 You missed coming to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert with me once in Manchester, but because you were with someone who wanted to watch the Brit Awards on television. And, um.
13:58 Speaker 02 And that was when we didn't speak for about six months, so. Still hurts that one, doesn't it? No, it's touring actually, Priscilla. The Brits. I can't believe you've just brought that up. That was fifteen years ago. Fifteen years ago. No, but it suddenly came to me. Fifteen years ago. And I can remember thinking at the time, the Brits will be on next year or watch it on catch up. Priscilla's a one night thing. I paid you the money for the tickets. I know you did. I know, I know. That was very kind of you and I'm, I am completely over it now. Age ten, Mel missed a Spice Girls concert, presumably not B or C, uh, to watch Gladiators. Okay. And finally Nicola missed our Glasgow show. Oh. Oh. To submit their dissertation.
14:43 Speaker 02 What? What?
14:46 Speaker 02 Well, I mean, very committed. I hope you get a good result. And if not, you should have come and joined us.
14:50 Speaker 01 Honestly, they're all trivial because before, um, just before, so I was going to Magaluf in 2008.
14:59 Speaker 02 Oh, I know you're, I know what you're gonna say.
15:01 Speaker 01 Have I told you this?
15:02 Speaker 02 This has to do with?
15:03 Speaker 01 So I rung, I used to go and see like my grandma on a Thursday because it was my day off on college. And I rung my, it's gonna make me think. So these are all trivial. I rung my grandma on the Thursday and said, I've just been offered an extra shift in pub. Um, I won't, I won't come this week. I'll come week after when I get off my holiday. And she said, this is grandma fish.
15:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:24 Speaker 01 She said, yeah, don't worry. Don't worry. Um, she said, yeah, come have a good holiday, blah, blah, blah. Take the shift. You'll need the money. And then she had a fall on holiday and I never seen her again after that. So my, they're all trivial things. And I always say, I wish I never took that shift and had gone to see her. Sorry. Is that a bit deep?
15:43 Speaker 02 No, that's, I'm sorry, Jordan.
15:45 Speaker 01 Anyone who feels bad, because I still often, I wish I, I just wish I'd gone to see her. I don't know why I took that shift because it were only like 40 odd quid.
15:52 Speaker 02 Hmm.
15:53 Speaker 01 And that's my biggest regret. Sorry. Is that a bit deep?
15:57 Speaker 02 No.
15:57 Speaker 01 And then obviously I sent her in hospital, but it weren't the same.
16:00 Speaker 02 No.
16:00 Speaker 01 It wasn't the same.
16:02 Speaker 01 Stupid. Should never have took that shift. Anyway.
16:06 Speaker 01 Sorry, I feel like I've brought the mood down.
16:07 Speaker 02 We'll crash on. The train manager for our trip to Cardiff was only four days into her job. And said she regretted telling us that the track was a bit dodgy. So we asked for our Gene Devers new job faux pas.
16:19 Speaker 01 Great.
16:20 Speaker 02 Candice hugged a big boss goodbye. Turns out they were holding the door open, not offering a hug. I don't even know how you mix that up. Carolyn said it's no fun to an owner deciding to euthanize their cat two weeks into their first vet job.
16:35 Speaker 01 Sure enough.
16:35 Speaker 01 Said it's no what?
16:37 Speaker 02 It's no fun to an owner deciding to euthanize. Well, it isn't, but.
16:41 Speaker 01 Be worse to say, this is fun.
16:43 Speaker 02 At funerals.
16:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, it'd be worse to say, well, that would have laughed. I love this job. I loved it. It's my favourite part of the job. Do you know what?
16:52 Speaker 02 This is what I got into veterinary medicine for.
16:54 Speaker 01 Exactly. This is why, it could have, that's not bad at all. It could have, Ben's right, it could have been the other way going, oh, what a day. I've done six euphanasias of cats and dogs. This is a new record. I fucking love my job.
17:08 Speaker 02 Have I told you that I've got funeral tourette's?
17:12 Speaker 01 No, what's that?
17:12 Speaker 02 And at funerals, I just find my, I've, I've, the last couple of funerals I've been to, I find myself saying to people, it's lovely to see you. And I'm like, well, no, it's not lovely to see you, is it? Because we're at a flipping funeral. And I just can't help myself. It's not what you should say, but it's.
17:26 Speaker 01 Well, should you say at funerals? I always think, that's a good point etiquette expert. I've always wanted to ask you this. Do you say, thanks, I mean, it was a great service or?
17:35 Speaker 02 Lovely service. What a good turnout, if indeed there has been a good turnout. Um, wasn't the reading beautiful?
17:42 Speaker 01 You don't say, how are you? You just say, I hope you're okay and stuff like, is that a good way?
17:46 Speaker 02 Well, no, I would say, I hope you're okay. Well, obviously, I mean, if you're saying that to the bereaved, of course, they're not okay. They're whoever has just died.
17:53 Speaker 01 Yeah. What would you say? Hiya?
17:55 Speaker 02 I said hello is always good, yes. Um, we've, we've been thinking about you a lot.
18:00 Speaker 01 We've been, see, you are good. You are good.
18:02 Speaker 02 Well, I am, but then when it actually comes to it, I go, lovely to see you.
18:05 Speaker 01 If there's anything I can do, let us know.
18:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:08 Speaker 01 As long as when I'm there, just as long as Emadell's not on. It's only fresh air I get.
18:14 Speaker 02 Polly accidentally spat coffee into their boss's face during their second ever meeting with him. And anonymous was two days into their new job and getting building work done. And they said, I joined a call with my new and inappropriate boss who proceeded to ask me whether or not I had a vibrator wearing away due to the noise. Funnily enough, that completely broke the ice and we turned to the best of friends.
18:36 Speaker 01 Oh, oh, okay.
18:38 Speaker 02 Okay.
18:38 Speaker 01 Okay. Sounded a bit creepy at first, that.
18:41 Speaker 02 George was practising using handcuffs in their new role as a police officer and handcuffed him themselves to a chair.
18:48 Speaker 01 Brilliant. Great. I bet they still laugh about that now, the lads at the nick.
18:53 Speaker 02 And Valeria was at a team event at a winery in their first week and shouted, "No clinking, it's common." Well done, Valeria.
19:01 Speaker 01 Great, great. You've got all the dancers now. They cheered me last night when I had a beer and he went, "Oh no, we can't clink." I went, "It's fine, we have a pint." Tongue in cheek.
19:10 Speaker 02 And finally, Alicia has a pro tip inspired by our question. They said, "When I was working as a waitress, whenever I made a mistake, like getting the order wrong, missing something on the order, or bringing the wrong drink, I'd always apologise and say it was my first day, even when I was two years into the job. It was an easy outing, the customers' attitude would always change and they'd be more understanding."
19:32 Speaker 01 Great, that's a great.
19:33 Speaker 02 I quite like that. We've got more of your emails, messages and letters after the break.
19:40 Speaker 04 It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween!
19:48 Speaker 05 And you guys know, we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. Ah. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.
20:01 Speaker 05 We've got a spooky hotline caller. An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert. And your tarot card dilemmas. Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.
20:18 Speaker 01 All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. It's our Friday episode. We are currently broadcasting to you from the tour bus. We're doing it from the tour bus because we are obviously on tour and we're doing our final show in Manchester tonight. Now, you've just passed the iPad.
20:34 Speaker 02 Yes, I've done enough reading.
20:36 Speaker 01 So am I not good enough to read?
20:38 Speaker 02 You can read if you want.
20:39 Speaker 01 No, we'll get, I'm not gonna lie, it's quite like Ben reading. But then, back to normality, next record.
20:44 Speaker 02 Agreed, agreed.
20:46 Speaker 01 Agreed. I don't like reading either.
20:48 Speaker 02 Hard agree. But you also haven't just had to eat a KFC.
20:51 Speaker 01 All right then, Ben, what have we got?
20:53 Speaker 02 Let's get your responses.
20:54 Speaker 03 After listening to the episode, "Help, he slaps his mum's bum," I felt compelled to write in.
20:59 Speaker 01 Yep.
21:00 Speaker 03 "I agree that in the previous dilemma, the son should not have been slapping the mother."
21:03 Speaker 01 So many people said that, weren't we, on the comments?
21:06 Speaker 02 No, I'm sorry, that is weird.
21:08 Speaker 01 But it was, carry on Ben.
21:09 Speaker 03 However, I have a problem of a similar ilk. My husband has always given my bum a slap when I'm in front of him climbing the stairs.
21:15 Speaker 01 Perfect.
21:16 Speaker 03 I don't think much of it and always played it off as a bit of fun.
21:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:19 Speaker 03 We have two children aged four, girl and eighteen months boy. Our eighteen month old is carried up the stairs. Recently, my son was being carried up the stairs while my husband and I was in front. My husband gave my bum a smack, no issue. The next thing I know, there are several more smacks with a considerably smaller hand. That's right, my eighteen month old son was also smacking my bum.
21:39 Speaker 01 That's fine, that's cute.
21:40 Speaker 03 He has continued to do this every time my husband carries him up the stairs and I happen to be in front. While this may be funny or cute at this age, my dilemma is at what age should I stop this?
21:50 Speaker 01 Great, nineteen months?
21:51 Speaker 03 Thank you, Katie.
21:52 Speaker 01 No, I think maybe, because that's cute, that's cute.
21:57 Speaker 02 Is it?
21:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, maybe when he starts going to school, you just say, alright, it's not appropriate to slap mommy's bum now.
22:03 Speaker 02 I'm assuming he starts going to nursery.
22:05 Speaker 01 Pardon?
22:06 Speaker 02 Nursery.
22:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, and you don't want him slapping other people's bums at nursery, so give it another couple of years and stuff. He'll get bored, they do at that age.
22:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:14 Speaker 01 That's my advice. Do you not slap Mikey's bum when you go up the stairs?
22:18 Speaker 02 Never.
22:18 Speaker 01 Do the Pokébum thing?
22:20 Speaker 02 Never.
22:21 Speaker 01 I hate the Pokébum thing up the stairs.
22:23 Speaker 02 Well, I don't, I say my mother, I've, this is a thing I've inherited from my mother, I don't like being, I don't like going upstairs first. My mother always has to be the last person up the staircase.
22:31 Speaker 01 Because of childhood, she's probably got Pokébum.
22:33 Speaker 02 I don't think she did get Pokébum.
22:35 Speaker 01 Everyone did it.
22:36 Speaker 02 No, I just think.
22:37 Speaker 01 Do it with you.
22:38 Speaker 02 She thinks in another life. My mother generally thinks in another life she was a crab. I don't know why.
22:44 Speaker 01 What is it with people in your life? You've got another half that thinks she was Anne Boleyn?
22:48 Speaker 02 Yes.
22:49 Speaker 01 In another life.
22:50 Speaker 02 And my mother thinks she was a crab.
22:53 Speaker 02 But anyway.
22:53 Speaker 01 Your mum thinks she was a crab?
22:55 Speaker 02 In another life, she doesn't like people behind her.
22:58 Speaker 01 Okay.
22:58 Speaker 03 Right, we've got another one from Megan, another one about the help he slaps his mum's bum.
23:02 Speaker 01 Yep.
23:03 Speaker 03 Um, where Jordan mentioned someone skiing for the army. It is true, if you're good at a sport, you can play for the army.
23:09 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
23:09 Speaker 03 I never knew this until my sister met my now brother-in-law, who played badminton for the army in Germany, and was one of the top players in the Olympics back in 2012. Although we did always joke with him about how much help he'd be on the front line with his badminton racket. So to Jordan's point, yes, you can play a sport for the army, even badminton.
23:24 Speaker 01 You can. My, uh, if you, you can play football for the army, play rugby.
23:28 Speaker 02 No, no, it's just that it was the fa- I, I sort of get that, but it was the fact that we made some reference to the army ski team.
23:34 Speaker 03 Yes.
23:35 Speaker 02 That's where I thought, is that really the best use of their time?
23:38 Speaker 01 We should do army navy at Twickenham Rugby. It's meant to be really good. My dad goes if he's ever on leave. So I could piss up and go, so we should do that.
23:49 Speaker 02 But what do we do? We're not, we're neither the army or the navy.
23:52 Speaker 01 Well, we just watch and get drunk.
23:53 Speaker 02 In the navy.
23:55 Speaker 01 Would you, you'll be team navy, I'll be team army.
23:57 Speaker 02 Okay.
23:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:00 Speaker 02 You can sail the seven seas.
24:02 Speaker 01 In the navy.
24:03 Speaker 02 It's, it's almost, there's another song in that.
24:06 Speaker 03 Lily has got in touch to continue the subject of old people and oral, oral sex.
24:10 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
24:11 Speaker 03 Hi guys, I hope you find this as funny as I still do. The first time I met my husband's family, I quickly realised his nan was going to become one of my favourite people. After a very lovely and respectable Mother's Day lunch, all the men went off to do the washing up, while the women sat in the garden with a glass of wine, normal enough until it suddenly wasn't. Out of nowhere, Nan turns to his sister and asks, "Do you give your boyfriend blowjobs?"
24:35 Speaker 03 We were all completely stunned. His sister goes, "Nan, no, that's disgusting." Nan doesn't miss a beat. Well, if you don't, he'll find someone else who will. Your grandad loves one.
24:49 Speaker 03 His sister tries to defend herself. "I just made him a cup of tea and a hot crust bun." Nan fired back, "He likes hot crust buns, but he loves a blowjob."
25:01 Speaker 01 She's not wrong. She's not wrong.
25:04 Speaker 02 Well, I guess you can take the teeth out.
25:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, honestly. Yeah, she's right. She will find someone else.
25:11 Speaker 03 There we go. They've only been together a few months.
25:13 Speaker 01 That's a really good letter.
25:15 Speaker 03 Together, I assume. Um, and still on that subject.
25:17 Speaker 02 My grandmother gave me an etiquette book.
25:20 Speaker 01 Mine got me into smoking.
25:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, that's what grandmothers are for.
25:27 Speaker 03 Exactly. Another one from anonymous on the same subject. It said, "My mum's 78 this year and is still, quotation marked, 'tromboning,' her words to me."
25:39 Speaker 01 Ah, tromboning? That's where you give them a rim job, innit?
25:44 Speaker 02 Whilst?
25:45 Speaker 01 Wanking them off. That's a rusty trombone, innit?
25:47 Speaker 02 I don't, how does it, what's the rusty part?
25:50 Speaker 01 I was gonna do the, it's like the rusty trombone, isn't that what they call it? Because you're like...
25:57 Speaker 02 Well, it's tricky that way.
25:58 Speaker 01 Don't clip that up. I don't know what you're thinking right now.
26:01 Speaker 03 So don't. Well, if anonymous' mother is listening, she can let us know.
26:07 Speaker 01 Oh, there's, um...
26:09 Speaker 02 Do you recognise what this is?
26:10 Speaker 01 Botany Bay. I fell out with, um, I fell out with Michaela.
26:14 Speaker 02 In Botany Bay?
26:15 Speaker 01 Because she booked, I used to work with, oh my goodness, that's Colin Macrae.
26:20 Speaker 03 Colin Macrae is dead.
26:21 Speaker 01 She booked me, when you see, when you next see Michaela, she's our mutual friend, she used to work at Rockafirm, it's how I met her. She booked me to do this, like, extra gig. And it was Botany Bay in September, and it was all these Christmas characters, and I just remember, anyway.
26:37 Speaker 02 And you fell out?
26:38 Speaker 01 And I was like, "Why have you booked me for this?" She's, we still laugh about it now. Is she coming tonight?
26:43 Speaker 02 I don't know. Probably to give you work, that's probably why she did it.
26:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, fair. Go on.
26:48 Speaker 03 Okay, a couple more, and these are about the shows so far, so this will be nice. Um, it's, first one's from Elizabeth. "Dear William, Jordan and Ben," hi Elizabeth. "My dilemma is that while attending your show at Wembley, I found myself trying to squeeze past Mikey, William's husband, while trying to return to my seat. Unfortunately, he did not hear my double 'excuse me,' and in closely moving past him, some of his beer escaped his cup and went down him."
27:15 Speaker 01 Is he with Mikey?
27:16 Speaker 02 Some of his beer?
27:17 Speaker 01 Mikey don't drink beer.
27:18 Speaker 03 "How do I go about apologising? I'd only realised after I was too surrounded by the crowd to turn back."
27:24 Speaker 01 Oh, don't worry.
27:25 Speaker 03 Thanks and best of luck.
27:26 Speaker 02 Okay, well, Elizabeth, I would say...
27:28 Speaker 01 He was probably busy eating.
27:30 Speaker 02 It probably wasn't Mikey if it was beer, because Mikey would, what were you drinking that night? Gin.
27:36 Speaker 01 Actual Mikey, on his first ever words on the podcast.
27:39 Speaker 02 God, he's gonna be updating his IMDb page now, isn't he?
27:45 Speaker 03 Don't ruin the illusion. It's like that, it's like that tube. Go fuck yourself, Patel.
27:55 Speaker 03 Last summer, I met your supper.
27:58 Speaker 01 Yes, Mikey. I told you, he sounds like that.
28:01 Speaker 02 I quite like that. You can do that again.
28:02 Speaker 03 I'll lock the bucket your next time.
28:04 Speaker 01 He's had to look good. He's good. Go on then, Ben, do it over.
28:08 Speaker 03 And finally, Brenda has sent us a message regarding her recent trip to see us at Wembley as well. Hello, boys. No dilemma here, just some words of appreciation. I'm from the Netherlands, but living in Spain. Hola. I am loving your podcast and a loyal listener. Sometimes it can be lonely with friends and family further away, and your podcast always cheers me up. My boyfriend surprised me with tickets to London and a ticket to visit your show. I'm always talking about your episodes and the stories shared. As his English is not at the level to follow the podcast, I went alone to the show, which I was a bit nervous about. The show was amazing and all the GNTVers were lovely. I truly had the best time and left with a big smile.
28:46 Speaker 01 Oh.
28:47 Speaker 03 Thank you for all the laughter and the joy and the community you have built. Saludos, Brenda.
28:52 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you, Brenda. Well, that's lovely. Lovely to have you there and to everyone. And actually, I've seen a few messages on DMs to say that, oh, I came alone. I was nervous, but I met other people either that were alone or that were with others. And everything that we say, that you will make friends, you will, they may not, some of them will be lifelong friends. Some of them will just be friends just for that evening, but we are a very broad and welcoming church. And we are so grateful if you have come on your own, come with your partner, come with your parents, your sibling or a whole group of you, thank you for coming. Even the Diva Espana crew came to Manchester as well.
29:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, just quickly, I'd like to echo what William says before we finish. Like, if you have come to see us, we really genuinely appreciate you spending good money and we hope you had the best night. And we have the best listeners. I remember everyone from Capital said that you've just got such lovely listeners and they were all nice and warm, you know, and we're very lucky. And if you didn't come, just this opportunity to say, thanks for listening. I think the best ever compliment we can get, and I love it when we get DMs, is saying it's like listening to two friends on a long journey, or after a hard day at work, or on the way into work, or you've got you on in my ears in the park. And when people say it's just like having two mates, and that's exactly what we are. We're just two mates who are from different backgrounds,
30:13 Speaker 01 but we have a laugh. And you are the best listeners ever. So thank you. And this tour's been the best
30:19 Speaker 02 It's been, it's been one of the highlights of my life.
30:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's same. It's been absolutely fantastic. And we're very, very lucky. And we don't take you for granted. And you make sure that we do this every week. So thank you.
30:31 Speaker 03 Jordan. Jordan. Right. Comment of the week.
30:33 Speaker 02 Comment of the week. I'll do this. Comment of the week. Before we do that, the honourable mentions. Katie suggested we change Jordan's jolly joke of the week to Jordan's random fact of the week on the TikTok of Jordan's horses don't like bridges fact.
30:48 Speaker 01 Horses don't like bridges.
30:50 Speaker 02 Jane, who commented, no, no, no, on the second hand loo roll, a Facebook reel.
30:56 Speaker 01 Why didn't she just ask someone to get us some bog roll?
30:58 Speaker 02 And Jordan, comment of the week comes from YouTube and was about me saying you like to complain. Leon said, might be the most correct thing William has ever said, which is saying a lot, since he's always correct.
31:11 Speaker 01 What, I like to complain?
31:12 Speaker 02 Yes.
31:13 Speaker 01 I never complain. I hate complaining.
31:16 Speaker 02 You're complaining now?
31:18 Speaker 01 When do I ever?
31:19 Speaker 02 No, no, I think complain, not necessarily in restaurants, complaining, just, you know, moan.
31:23 Speaker 01 I don't bloody moan.
31:25 Speaker 02 All right. Well, if you.
31:26 Speaker 01 Make me an example. Where's this come from?
31:29 Speaker 02 Right now.
31:29 Speaker 01 No, this is, this is a stain on my character. I will not be ending the episode like this. When do I moan?
31:35 Speaker 02 Don't be obnoxious.
31:38 Speaker 03 Can we, can we, can we hold hands?
31:41 Speaker 01 What?
31:42 Speaker 03 Hold hands. Come on.
31:43 Speaker 01 What the hell? Right. I pour me arse out, and then everyone's giggling in the background. I get called a complainer, and I'm just being called obnoxious.
31:50 Speaker 02 You know I was calling you obnoxious, and that was just a lie.
31:53 Speaker 03 We're all friends. Jordan, can we do a round of I love yous, please?
31:56 Speaker 01 Love you.
31:56 Speaker 02 I love you.
31:57 Speaker 03 Love you. Thanks. Thanks, everyone, for the tour.
31:59 Speaker 01 I love you all to bits.
32:00 Speaker 02 Love you, Joe. Love you, Mikey. Love you, Azee.
32:02 Speaker 01 Don't get me off this couch. I'm going to scream.
32:05 Speaker 02 Okay. New episodes are, of course, on Tuesdays and Fridays and 24 hours before on Global Player.
32:11 Speaker 01 Uh, yes, they are. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected] . We also love hearing back from people we have for advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch and we will see you on Tuesday. Back in the studio. Bye.
32:35 Speaker 04 It's time.
32:37 Speaker 05 It's the most wonderful time of the year.
32:39 Speaker 04 Halloween.
32:43 Speaker 05 And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.
32:56 Speaker 05 We've got a spooky hotline caller. An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert. And your tarot card dial letters. Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.
Previous Help I’ve Never Shaved My Pubes | And Jordan’s Buckfast Regret Next Help I Want My Boss's Sausage | And William’s Got BEER FEAR Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated