Help I’ve Been Probed In The Wrong Hole | And Jordan’s Got A Swell On

The boys are having a tough time lately. Jordan’s still recovering from having his wisdom teeth removed and is drooling everywhere, whilst William has ‘misplaced’ his passport - and it’s really not the sort of admin he wants to be dealing with right now. There are also plenty of dilemmas to tackle, including how to tell your mum her wedding outfit is horrible and what you should do when you get probed in the wrong hole. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Most women have been there. Something feels off. You don't feel like yourself, yet your doctor says everything looks fine. Spoiler: it's your hormones. Midi is a virtual care platform built for women by women and offers specialized hormone care from trained clinicians. Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. It's not you, it's your hormones. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit. That's join M I D I dot com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Hey, it's Adam Grant from TED's Rethinking Podcast. As businesses scale, success depends on how well knowledge is captured, shared, and kept up to date. Camtasia Pro turns teams' expertise into engaging training, onboarding, and documentation. No professional editing experience required. With the industry's best screen recording, video editing, and AI-powered workflows, you can train faster and boost operational efficiency. Get over $100 off your first year at camtasia pro dot com and start building a smarter way to educate customers, onboard employees, and ensure valuable expertise is shared across teams.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  You all right?

• 1:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  Just for everyone wondering, you did make it through the operation. You're not dead.

• 1:14Speaker 03

  I'm not dead, no. And sorry that you all had to witness me just eat an egg buddy then. I know that wasn't nice.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  Yes. It was, you literally had it all over your face. Can you actually feel what you're eating? Or are you still a bit numb?

• 1:25Speaker 03

  No, I can still feel it.

• 1:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:27Speaker 03

  It's all good. It's all good.

• 1:28Speaker 02

  Smile.

• 1:31Speaker 03

  I can't. Oh, don't, that hurts, don't.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  I'll try not to make you laugh.

• 1:34Speaker 03

  Right, I will try my best for this episode, Gene Devers. I'm gonna warn you, there might be a lot of slurring. I might sound a bit like Elmer Fudd at times, and there could be even more mumbling, so.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  Oh, good.

• 1:44Speaker 03

  Oh, shit.

• 1:46Speaker 02

  Oh, don't, please don't cry out and eat a sandwich from your mouth.

• 1:48Speaker 03

  I think that's a stitch. I'm not even joking.

• 1:51Speaker 03

  This happened the other night. I woke up.

• 1:53Speaker 02

  I know, you said you were.

• 1:54Speaker 03

  I had to pull a stitch out of the back of my throat.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like, what should you do if you turn up to a date with two different shoes on? Or what should you do when your mum asks you to change the batteries in a vibrator? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual spunky servants, are we, William Hanson?

• 2:27Speaker 02

  No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more rainbow flag, you're more weekend stag. I love that. Who's that from? Or is that an OG?

• 2:34Speaker 03

  Is that one of ours?

• 2:34Speaker 02

  It was from somebody. Thank you, somebody. That was lovely.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, there you go. Apparently we did the same, I'm more, you're more last week. Apologies.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  We didn't notice.

• 2:43Speaker 03

  Sometimes things slip through the net, you know, that it just happens. Yeah.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  I love the fact that they've given you spunky servants with two S's to say the week after you've had an operation on your mouth.

• 2:53Speaker 03

  Spunky servants.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  You did send me a little video of you, almost the day after your operation, and you did sound like Louis Spence.

• 3:02Speaker 03

  Did I?

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  We'll get all those videos up and posts and everything.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  Well, I'm not sure because you're quite rude in it.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  Why?

• 3:08Speaker 02

  In the video you sent me.

• 3:09Speaker 03

  Oh, was I?

• 3:09Speaker 02

  Not sure. It's maybe to be shared.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Oh, really?

• 3:12Speaker 02

  I mean, it's not rude rude, but I just don't think you want it on Instagram.

• 3:15Speaker 03

  I'm not bothered.

• 3:16Speaker 02

  Oh, fine.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  Stick it up then.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  All right. Was I rude?

• 3:20Speaker 02

  Not you. You've just used some language that I'm not sure, you know, deserves to be on on Instagram.

• 3:26Speaker 03

  Do you want me to have?

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Are you are you able to drink?

• 3:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was gonna say, do you want me to have the painkillers now? Or shall I give it another?

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Are you allowed to drink on painkillers and alcohol?

• 3:35Speaker 03

  Not really.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  No.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Give us a G.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  I have a G and D. That'll take the edge off.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  By the way, you might, I don't know if you know, I had my wisdom teeth taken out last week, a week ago.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  You haven't mentioned it.

• 3:46Speaker 03

  No, I haven't mentioned it.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  That is what happened. Did it go all right?

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, it went all right. Yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's good.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  Happy with it?

• 3:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Never again?

• 3:54Speaker 03

  Never again. But well, they don't grow back.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  No.

• 3:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, yeah, all right. It reminds me of when I rung you that time, I was in hospital. I went, are you all right? You went, darling, it was touch and go.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Well, I did nearly, I was very, very ill.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Was you actually?

• 4:10Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:11Speaker 03

  Was you actually?

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Yes. I don't think actually people realise quite how close it came to the end. Anyway, I'm going to toast Sam, who I met on the Elizabeth Line only a few weeks ago as he was commuting. Uh, and he was listening to Sex Did and I hadn't noticed. And he sort of looked up and standing there and very proudly showed me his phone. It was lovely. He had a lovely chat.

• 4:31Speaker 03

  I love it when juniors do that.

• 4:32Speaker 02

  It's great. So Sam, this is to you.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  Also, can we, all the wonderful staff and nurses that looked after me as well, please?

• 4:39Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  There's, there's too many to mention, but we'll, we'll give Nana a mention and.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Nana?

• 4:43Speaker 03

  And the surgeon.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  Uh, Mr. Helitosis, not helitosis, helitos. Yeah, you don't call surgeons doctor. It's mister, innit?

• 4:53Speaker 02

  I mean, but they're fine with you calling them helitosis.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  Which, by the way.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  I've got really bad at the moment because of the.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Helitosis.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Open my mouth, I can't get the brush right in at the back.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  When are you expected for it all to be cured? Have they given you a timeline?

• 5:07Speaker 03

  You tell me.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  You tell me.

• 5:09Speaker 02

  So other than your teeth, everything all right?

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's been all right. I've just been trying to recover. I've been back in work. Um.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  I know, you're very brave going back to work quite so soon.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Not digging up roads, am I? Yeah. The most painful thing about it all was, um, the day after, or was it two days after it was? It was a Saturday morning. Tried to lick a, um, a yogurt lid and I screamed out in agony that much that next door, but one came and knocked on the door and asked if everything was all right.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  Oh, really? What type of yogurt?

• 5:37Speaker 03

  Everything okay, darling? Um, one of those light and free ones. What are they called? You know?

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Skier?

• 5:43Speaker 03

  No.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  No.

• 5:44Speaker 03

  They're strawberry light and free ones.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, honestly, I've never had pain like it.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  Bless you.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  Yeah. So, but I, I, it's good. I'm, I'm glad I'm done. Um.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  I wouldn't suggest licking a yogurt pot lid though. I would with a teaspoon if you do want to sort of scrape that bit off, scrape it off with a teaspoon.

• 5:59Speaker 03

  I'm more worried about my breath, to be fair.

• 6:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  But it's been, it's been fine.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  Can you do, you can do, oh, no, I guess a mouthwash would really hurt.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  Um, can you, I've been using salt water.

• 6:09Speaker 02

  Ooh, okay. That's brave.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Can I be on this? Because I'm on Cody.

• 6:14Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 6:15Speaker 03

  Don't know if I really want to say this, but don't click this up. I've been constipated so bad. Honestly, right?

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  It was over a week to the point where I had to ring 111. And then I ended up like, it's been so bad. Honestly, at one point I was crowning.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  What does that mean?

• 6:36Speaker 03

  You know, like when a pregnant woman, you know, the head's sticking out.

• 6:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  So it was like breaching, but it just wouldn't come. I've tried everything and then I basically was on.

• 6:51Speaker 02

  Syrup of fix?

• 6:51Speaker 03

  No, I was doing shots of olive oil and all sorts. Apparently that's on an empty stomach. It were like maths, you had to work it out with your pencil.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  Oh, George and North.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  But I just finally I watched some TikTok videos and it was a woman who basically, she's like this woman, she showed you how if you you sit up straight and you do the genie. Right? So I'm doing this on.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  You know, Christina Aguilera.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Oh, it's dogs. It's making me move now, actually. And you're going like this and you have to go moo. And I'm thinking this is ridiculous.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  I think she might have been having you on.

• 7:28Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no. I'm trying everything. I'm looking at.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Have you moved now?

• 7:32Speaker 03

  I've literally, I promise you, at one point I was on all four inch showers squatting.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  Like I, I was squatting thinking, well, if it comes out in your shower, I'll, I don't know. But anyway, I'm sorry.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  No wonder you had mushrooms in your last shower.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  But in fact, this woman that I found on TikTok doing the genie and mooing. Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  And it works?

• 7:54Speaker 03

  That was the best feeling ever. It was, I shouted so much.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Our advice so far on this.

• 8:02Speaker 03

  Next, but one pop round to ask if everything were all right.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Our advice on this podcast is if you're constipated, do a genie position.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  I'll send you the link. I'll find it.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  And moo.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  I'll send the link and we'll put it up on our Insta. Okay. She goes like, she goes.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 03

  Really gets everything going.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:20Speaker 03

  And if you are one of those people, because I'm, I'm, I'm regular as clockwork, me.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  That's good to know.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  If you are one of those people that suffers from constipation, I, I, I, yeah.

• 8:29Speaker 02

  You recommend that.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  I recommend, I can, I totally.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. How's your week been? Uh, well, it's not been the best of weeks, if I'm honest. The second worst week of my life after nearly dying in hospital in August. Um, but yes, started with my passport being stolen. So I did not go to Paris. How's it been? Are you sure it's not been lost? I'm saying stolen because then it's someone else's fault. That's generally what I've decided to say. But I, Mike and I ransacked that house from top to bottom. And we did not find anything. Okay. So there is, it is not in the house. And where was it last? Uh, I would have had it when I came back from Armenia. Mm hmm. And that was the last time I used it. Okay. And I always, it always is in the same

• 9:14Speaker 02

  thing in my bag. Admittedly, it's an outside pocket. Hmm. Could have been whipped away. I mean, all passports, you, if you've written your emergency contact details on, at the back, if it had been found, I would like to think that humans were decent, that they might have got in touch. The amount of times my wallet used to get handed in, you'd be surprised. Yeah. Um, but anyways, so that's gone. So I had to do a lot of cancelling of flights, accommodation, restaurant reservations, filming commitments. Oh, no. It was a bit icky. I turned up to the passport office on the Friday morning, thinking, maybe they can get me an emergency passport. Mm hmm. And I could have had an emergency passport if I had a dying relative in France. Why didn't you just say, oh, yeah?

• 9:56Speaker 02

  No, because then you, no, because I, I thought, do I pretend I've got a dying relative or not? And they said, as long as the hospital write a letter to prove it. Which did make me think if I did have a dying relative, do I actually want the hospital not taking care of the dying relative and actually flashing out a letter to the passport office? I don't know. Who's got time to write out letters? That's annoying. And I know that would have annoyed you. Well, me, it's the G and T. Well, yeah, you, you don't have a job.

• 10:20Speaker 02

  But that, that must have been, yeah, fair. That must have been annoying for you because you hate letting people down. It was so, yeah, and I was meant to do stuff for, for the book that's coming out in, uh, France. And yeah, it was just, and also I was looking forward to it. Like that, that's the other thing. Um, and also I've had to cancel a trip to Zurich as well. I was meant to go to Zurich for work this weekend. So. Bit rubbish.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh, never mind.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  And various other things happened and what was, what compounded my, my misery was after I went then off to the supermarket to get dinner for that night, because I thought we'd be away. Uh, I bought a very large bottle of gin to, to bring home.

• 10:58Speaker 03

  Good lad.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  And, uh, because I'd done the self-service checkout and they had obviously done my age verification thing. Um, they obviously hadn't taken the security tag off. So I walk through the gates, set it off. The guy comes, excuse me, and is, you know, searching me, just as a gin diva called Aiden recognizes me.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Brilliant.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  Just, just not what I, I mean, Aiden, you were lovely about it. You didn't make me feel too bad. I insisted that it was at least a quality gin with a royal warrant on it.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  Do you know how many TV stars got cancelled for that in the nineties?

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I, I mean, I didn't, yeah, but.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  That when the tabloids were like, oh, stealing this. It's like, no, I just genuinely forgot. People do.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  Anyway, we did a photo. So Aiden, if you've got that photo, send it in because, uh, it's photo evidence.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  So you've lost your passport, you've nicked a bottle of gin from Mazda. What else has been going on?

• 11:42Speaker 02

  Nothing, nothing I'm never doing again in my life. I don't know if you saw, for the, ahead of our tour, I'm getting another pair of shoes made for my outfit. And, um.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  I honestly, honestly, I, I, do you know what? When I go.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  You're just being like Converse or something.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  When I go through this bill.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  No, no, I'm paying for them personally.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  For the, this tour, I'm gonna be like, uh, Jordan Belford's dad in Wolf of Wall Street. Jory! You know when he comes screaming in the office, what the fuck is this? Four hundred thousand dollars on a fucking hooker? I'm gonna be like that. That's gonna be me. When I see, what you, what else are you getting fitted now? Two hundred thousand dollars on a dinner?

• 12:21Speaker 02

  Anyway.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 12:23Speaker 02

  I went and they're, they're being made, they're being made for my feet and so.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Oh, that really hurt. I can't be expressive.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  No. Get it all out.

• 12:31Speaker 03

  That really hurt me too.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  So I, uh, I popped a photo of me.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  Get me ice, Izzy, get me ice pack.

• 12:37Speaker 02

  I popped a photo of me on, uh, social media, having my feet measured. I am never putting my feet on social media again. Oh my God, they have all come out.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  All the feet.

• 12:46Speaker 02

  Jeez. Even normal people who normally message me nice things start to go, and send.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Very odd messages. But I'm, I'm, I'm keep checking my WikiFeet every other day just to see if, if those photos have appeared on there.

• 13:01Speaker 03

  They will after this.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  To get a, to get a better rating than you. You are still winning on WikiFeet.

• 13:04Speaker 03

  Am I still winning on WikiFeet?

• 13:06Speaker 02

  There are more photos of your feet on WikiFeet.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  How?

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Well, because it turns out you like getting your feet out.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  I really don't.

• 13:12Speaker 02

  Do you have a foot fetish?

• 13:14Speaker 03

  No, it's not my thing.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  No, it's not my fetish at all.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I need to shave me toes. Actually, that reminds me.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  So, so attractive.

• 13:22Speaker 03

  I said, yeah, because it's like getting a bit hotter in here. I thought I can get my sandals on.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 13:27Speaker 03

  Just need to, I get, my, I think I've got all right feet.

• 13:30Speaker 02

  I mean, we had, we had two days of relatively nice weather. I wouldn't say we're yet in sandals weather yet.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  But it was very nice to have a, a break, uh, from all the misery. Anything else going on in your life?

• 13:39Speaker 03

  I'm going back home for a wedding this weekend.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  A bit worried about it.

• 13:43Speaker 02

  What sort of wedding?

• 13:45Speaker 03

  Uh, just a, a wedding for my friend, my friends, Tom and Jen.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  So, um, yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  A heterosexual wedding?

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:52Speaker 03

  I'm a bit worried. There's many reasons. Uh, I've not, I've not seen my mates for ages, so, um, mull it as well. I'm, I know I'm gonna get some shit for that.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Hmm. Well, yeah.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  Can that, what's that? And you bastard had that. I could write dick. So got that. Um, it starts at 11.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  So we're gonna be hammered.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  Okay, well, it was all right. Okay.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I've been looking forward to it all week because I've not seen my mates.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  What's the dress code? Suits?

• 14:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, suits. Um, I've not seen my mates for ages, so I'm genuinely looking forward to it, but we're starting at 11 and we're gonna be hammered. Like, I reckon first drink will be half ten.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  They having an evening reception?

• 14:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course they are. Yeah, yeah. They, they love a drink just as much as me. Um, suits, I'm a bit worried about.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Why?

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Because I'm going back home and I was gonna wear the suit that I wore for summertime ball.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  Well, the blue one?

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  No, that's not very wedding.

• 14:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I just thought it's a bit.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  It's a bit look at me.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm glad you said that.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  Which is out of, out of keeping for you.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  And then I had another suit that I wore for Ben's wedding. But I thought, I've already worn that at the last wedding and that's a bit, that was, that suit was perfect.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Can't remember that one because you walked so fast down the aisle to try to get to your seat last minute, didn't really properly look at you.

• 15:01Speaker 03

  That suit, oh yeah, I forgot as well, I got a few digs in about that one.

• 15:06Speaker 02

  Understand, she was, I thought she was very gracious actually.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  Couple of digs, but it's fine.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, but she could have, she could have gone a lot harder.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  I took it graciously, I didn't say, I just went, fair play, took us, we're gonna drink. Um, but I, I think it was quite East London-y, that suit.

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, so just, yeah.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Well, do you not have just a classic dark navy suit?

• 15:25Speaker 03

  No.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  Well, that's, that's what I'd wear.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  Do you think?

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, just, you wanna blend in.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't quite know what, no, no, I know that, I don't quite know. So I've got that, I'm really looking forward to it, I'm staying at my mum's on Friday.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  Lovely, all right, a new place?

• 15:39Speaker 03

  New place and, and I'd planned, there's a new, there's a new restaurant open from where my mum is and it's like, um, this proper chef that's moved up and people are talking, I thought, oh, I'll try and get in there. So I pulled a few strings, basically sent a DM on Insta.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  Got a, got a seat last minute and went, what time are you arriving? And I were like, uh, she'd be there for hour six. She went, great, corned beef hash and apple crumble for tea. I'm like, oh for fuck's sake.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  So you have to DM the restaurant to cancel?

• 16:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, because I didn't have art to tell her.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  Well, this will have gone out.

• 16:14Speaker 03

  She's like, I've met you, so by the way, I, again.

• 16:17Speaker 02

  It's, it's not your favourite at all?

• 16:18Speaker 03

  Corned beef hash is my favourite, apple crumbles is our doms, but I didn't know, mine just angels light and jelly, but I didn't have art to tell her.

• 16:24Speaker 02

  Do you want me to message her?

• 16:26Speaker 03

  No, she used to do this when, when it were our, our, um, birthdays, she used to make me chicken fajitas. I was like, oh, that's Dominic's favourite, I'm corned beef hash.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Chicken, I'd much rather have chicken fajitas.

• 16:37Speaker 03

  For your birthday tea?

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  Bless, okay, we'll have a lovely time.

• 16:41Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, are you staying up for the whole weekend?

• 16:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm proper, proper looking forward to it, it's like me, me mates that I grew up with, I've not seen for, since, I've not seen them since April last year, since the christening. So, which is terrible really, it's terrible that.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Well, you've been busy.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  Hmm, hi guys.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  Hi, hi, you're like, who's dressing him at the moment?

• 17:00Speaker 02

  Yes, lovely colour top.

• 17:02Speaker 03

  Who's dressing him? Who's your stylist?

• 17:04Speaker 04

  Uh, my, yeah, I've been working with a personal stylist, myself.

• 17:08Speaker 03

  Hmm, you're looking good.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Looking nice.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  You're looking good.

• 17:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, thanks, vintage, all, all second hand at the moment.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 17:15Speaker 02

  Very sustainable.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Very vegetarian.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  It's what veggies do.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 17:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:21Speaker 04

  Which is why I'm doing it.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, committed vegetarian, aren't you?

• 17:24Speaker 03

  Okay. But yeah, looking forward to it. I'd love to do a wedding with you back home.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Right.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Well, there's rumours that I'll be coming up to Burnley at some point for the footy.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, we're gonna get you on the, we're gonna get you on turf before end of season.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:40Speaker 03

  I really want you to come to a proper northern wedding. Oh, they'd have a field day, yeah.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  I mean, I did go to our friend Chris's wedding in Manchester. Does that count?

• 17:48Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. No, no, no, proper, like, I want you pressed in all Burnley.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  Oh, right.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  That'd be so good. I'm staying in Clivero, by the way.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  That's where Gen Z is from.

• 17:57Speaker 03

  That's where Gen Z is from.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  Posh in Clivero, apparently.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  Cluster's West Bradford, apparently. What? West Bradford?

• 18:04Speaker 02

  Bradford, isn't it?

• 18:05Speaker 03

  Bradford. Anyway, staying in Clivero.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  Gosh, well, I hope you have a lovely time. Have you got them a gift?

• 18:10Speaker 03

  Just give them money.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  Right. Okay. Have they asked for that?

• 18:13Speaker 03

  Seen that cannon, mate? Could join us. Not short of a bob or two.

• 18:18Speaker 02

  Is the joiner a carpenter? Oh.

• 18:22Speaker 03

  Wow, what's he doing?

• 18:23Speaker 02

  Does he do work in London?

• 18:24Speaker 03

  He can do. He's good, you know?

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  He did my wall, fitted board jobs.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  But my boiler's also packed up. That's also really helped my week. But I'm not, yeah.

• 18:31Speaker 03

  This is the thing about a miss about being down here, I would have had someone back up north that could get that done for you, mates, right?

• 18:35Speaker 02

  The, well, yeah, the, the plumbers there currently draining the tank.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  How is Mikey?

• 18:46Speaker 02

  It's almost as if I sent you up.

• 18:48Speaker 03

  They do call me the tank. You know, more pushing foot cushion, George.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 18:54Speaker 03

  No, more cushion foot pushing.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  Please, I feel slightly nauseous.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  So the plumber's draining Mike at the tank.

• 18:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's draining the tank. Turns out our hot water tank's also propped up with a piece of wood. Long story.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  How the hell, you've only just moved in, how did the thing get missed that?

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Well, we didn't get a boiler survey done when we moved in and actually in retrospect, we should have done.

• 19:12Speaker 03

  What, didn't the survey guy do that?

• 19:14Speaker 02

  No. Oh, the survey was, don't talk about surveys on houses when you're buying them because they just write, well, this potentially could be a problem. They hedge everything. It's like, well.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Anyone could say that. Ruth could cave in.

• 19:25Speaker 02

  Exactly. UFOs could land on the roof.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  If a comet hit it, well, is that likely? Well, you know, you need to speak to your landlord. Well, I'm asking you and I'm. Paying you £200 an hour, so.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, quite.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Anyway, so, yes, that's, it's all, it's all gone on this week. Um, would you like to go to your favourite feature? William's Etiquetology.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  I love etiquette, ooh. Etiquetology, let's do it.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Okay, good. Um, so this is inspired by, uh, something that we mentioned, I think it was in last week. Um, I made some comment about glove boxes in cars.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Uh, or glove compartments, or sometimes they're called. And so, inspired by that, I'm going to tell you all about gloves after these messages.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  Hot flashes, rage crying, forgetting words mid-sent-ten. Yeah, we know. Menopause is a lot. Midi Health gets it. That's why Midi offers virtual healthcare specially tailored to women's needs. Built for women by women. Every symptom, every stage, every question. Visit joinmidi.com to get started today. That's join M I D I dot com. Individual results and coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage.

• 20:45Speaker 05

  I'm Claire Buckley, and this Halloween on my podcast, Pretty Scary, we are going to cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts and aliens. Plus, the scariest movies to watch this spooky season with the lights off. So, as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved, and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window.

• 21:12Speaker 05

  It's probably just the cat, right?

• 21:15Speaker 05

  Get the candles lit and search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.

• 21:26Speaker 06

  It's William. William. The etiquette geek, his knowledge. Knowledge. Quite unique, he'll give you manners. Manners. Subtle tweak. It's time for William's Etiquet- Etiquet- Etiquetology of the Week. Cha cha cha, cha cha cha, cha cha cha. Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  You're not yourself today. Come on, I know you're having a tough week.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  Okay, sorry.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  Come on, William Anderson, everybody, come on. Come on, I know you're having a tough week. They say it comes in threes, boilers.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  Sorry, you are listening.

• 21:56Speaker 03

  I'm a little bit, sorry.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  They say it comes in threes.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Sorry, sorry. I know you're having a tough week, but you're only human.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  Exactly, yes.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  You can't be your usual lovely, camp, beautiful self all the time, can you?

• 22:10Speaker 02

  I'm the butch one. I thought we established that a few weeks ago.

• 22:12Speaker 03

  By the way, the menu please video that you did was brilliant a couple of weeks ago.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  It's another one of the Izzy and Willie Masp.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  It was so good. If you've not seen it, Gene Devers, just go and have a look on Instagram, TikTok. It's a very, very good video.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Right, go on, what's your? Yes, we were doing a trend. A couple of people were like, yeah, I've seen this. Actually, someone else wrote, yes, it's called a flipping trend, isn't it?

• 22:30Speaker 03

  It's a good trend.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  Anyway, thank you. So, is keeping them in a box, this is your gloves, weird? For centuries, the wearing of gloves was an indicator of your place in society. Let's put it this way, you would have been without gloves. Gloves were luxury handmade items that wore out quickly. Jordan's doing a very camp hand gesture. They were made to fit tightly, and it was said that on the best gloves, you could see the outlines of the wearer's fingernails. Gloves not only protected status, but also protected elite hands when riding, et cetera. Having soft hands was a way of demonstrating you didn't need to work. Can I feel your hands?

• 23:05Speaker 03

  I've got the worst hands.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  No, they are actually quite soft, darling.

• 23:09Speaker 03

  No, they're not. They're rough.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  That is not rough, darling. I mean, that is no stranger to a moisturizer or a hand cream or something else.

• 23:18Speaker 03

  They used to be rough.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  They used to be rough, yes, but you have changed. Anyway, gloves made from lots of materials, leather being the most popular. But leather had a problem. There was a problem with leather. What was the problem?

• 23:31Speaker 03

  It's too expensive.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  No.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  Some cows.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, it smelt.

• 23:35Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Because the early tanning process left a very unpleasant aroma of, you know, urine, we'll call it dung, and lots of other stuff. So it wasn't very, wasn't very nice, but it was expensive. So, in the French town of Grasse, which was the centre of leather tanning, what they did is they would send the hides, the leather hides, before they made them into gloves, off to Paris to have lots of herbs and flowers and fragrant things sort of. Over into them and then sent back and then made into the gloves. And it was a process that originated in Venice. And because of that, because they were smelly, you kept the gloves in boxes in order to keep the smell in. So the smell did not escape.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  So when motor cars emerged in the 19th century, and then especially in the early 20th century, they were open topped, meaning the driver and passengers had to wear gloves because it was quite cold. And so vehicle manufacturers soon included a drop down compartment in the dashboard for such things.

• 24:35Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  And they were known as glove boxes.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  That's, see, that's interesting.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  So when I refer to having a glove box, even though, to be fair, mine is open, but none of my gloves are yet fragranced. It's not that weird.

• 24:46Speaker 03

  That's very interesting.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Thank you so much.

• 24:48Speaker 03

  That's really, that was.

• 24:49Speaker 02

  You're being extra nice to me.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  No, that was a very good one today. So that's, I'll say, normally I have glove bars because we used to have no roofs on cars. It used to get cold.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  Yes, exactly.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  I've just finished, or nearly finished Hamnet, you know, that book.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  The film or the book?

• 25:01Speaker 03

  The book.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  I'd highly recommend it.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:04Speaker 03

  And Shakespeare's dad is a lover, although they don't actually mention him as Shakespeare. Have you read the book?

• 25:11Speaker 04

  I've just started listening to it on one of my long runs.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  Oh, you listen to books on your runs?

• 25:16Speaker 04

  I did then.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  But Shakespeare's in this book, they don't actually refer to him as William Shakespeare.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  What, for copyright reasons or?

• 25:24Speaker 03

  Just, but it's, it nods to it being him. But they called him the Latin tutor. His dad was a lover.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  And he used to sell them on markets and stuff.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Talking of books, can I just pull you up on something? So you have recommended, I think we've put it on our carousel for Jordan North Book Club, Caledonian Road by Andrew O'Hagan.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  I can't finish it.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a tough, it's, it's stick with it. There's a few people that have said that to me.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Moved on, I've done three other.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  Oh, have you? Well, I'll, for this week, I'll recommend Hamnet. I'll put that on.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  Good to give it some PR. Yes.

• 26:01Speaker 04

  Has anyone heard of this book?

• 26:03Speaker 03

  We put Our Evenings on last week, didn't we? Yeah, well, I recommend Our Evenings, Alan Hollinhurst.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  And Hamnet, which is, um.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Maggie O'Farrell.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Maggie O'Farrell.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:14Speaker 03

  There you go.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Lovely. And, uh, Le Guide So British To Bon Manier.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  And what's that?

• 26:19Speaker 02

  By William Hanson.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Oh, is that just good manners?

• 26:21Speaker 02

  Just good manners in French.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  Just good manners.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  British, they've slightly changed it.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  What is it?

• 26:25Speaker 02

  The Guide So British To Good Manners, the Very British Guide To Good Manners, I think, is what it translates as.

• 26:31Speaker 04

  I saw a video on social media yesterday of the reason why Piccadilly is called Piccadilly.

• 26:36Speaker 03

  Oh, go on.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Go on then. Ben's Etiquetteology of the Week.

• 26:40Speaker 04

  William, you must know more than me.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Possibly, but this is your feature now.

• 26:45Speaker 04

  Piccadilles are the things, you know, in like Edwardian paintings, and they've got like the white, like frilly bits.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Oh, those Shakespeare things.

• 26:53Speaker 04

  The rough thing. Yeah, the Shakespeare things.

• 26:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 04

  You can link it to that.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:57Speaker 04

  It's called a piccadille.

• 26:58Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  And they were made in Manchester Piccadilly and London Piccadilly. And that's why they're called Piccadilly, because there was Piccadilles about.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Started off interesting, even, even. So why do they call it Piccadilly?

• 27:14Speaker 02

  No, that's a sign, that's a sign.

• 27:15Speaker 04

  That is a pickle.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, but why is it called Piccadilly?

• 27:19Speaker 04

  It's like a lily pickle.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  I do love a pickle. Shall we look more into Piccadilly Circus?

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Do you know what I love? We're a bit of Piccadilly.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  What?

• 27:27Speaker 03

  A pork pie.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  I don't like pork pies.

• 27:30Speaker 03

  Or a Scotch steak, or even just a piece of ham and a little bit of Piccadilly.

• 27:34Speaker 02

  How was that shames cheese, by the way? Did you eat it?

• 27:37Speaker 03

  It stunk.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the smelly old cheese.

• 27:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  But it's tasty.

• 27:41Speaker 03

  I did have a bit. I couldn't, I couldn't have it on a cracker, but I did chop some bits off of it.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  No, I just thought you'd have it raw and it's like, you know.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  It was very nice.

• 27:48Speaker 02

  Good.

• 27:49Speaker 03

  Uh, right.

• 27:49Speaker 02

  Okay, now, if you are coming to one of our arena shows, we need your help, because this show isn't just the two of us. We need as much of our G and D'Vas as possible. Cardiff, London, Glasgow, Manchester. These are the three things we need from you.

• 28:05Speaker 03

  Number one, we need your dilemmas. Um, so yeah. Dilemmas you've got that you want us to read out on stage. The funnier, the wacker, the ruder, the better, the wacker.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  The wacker, wackier. Or the more sophisticated. You know, don't be afraid of writing a sophisticated conundrum.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're all for those. We also want a reason that you deserve a shout out or a reason why you should be up on stage with us. So we'll say, so it could be a special moment in your life coming up or a story that you might normally hear in our, one of our Friday episodes. Get in touch. When we did Crosswires, we had a proposal.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  We did have a proposal, yeah. So if you've got a special occasion or you just want to be involved in one of our games on stage in front of thousands of people, then get in touch.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  Can we beat a proposal?

• 28:52Speaker 03

  No.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Could we have a birth?

• 28:56Speaker 03

  I was thinking a divorce, but they don't know.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  Bring the mood down a bit.

• 29:00Speaker 03

  A bit like Den Watts and EastEnders. It wasn't Den Watts, was it? Dirty Den.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:05Speaker 03

  Because here you go, here's your divorce papers.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Right, we don't really want that.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  No, that'd be good.

• 29:10Speaker 04

  We've always sort of passed around the idea of getting a live. What's that thing where you get cleaned out your bum?

• 29:16Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Colonic.

• 29:17Speaker 04

  Colonic irrigation live on stage.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  That takes an hour, so I don't really know if we want to do that.

• 29:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, we've got a busy show.

• 29:25Speaker 03

  Bring me in from Manchester, especially after this week.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  I was gonna say.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Tell her to bring Hoover, just shove that up there, honestly.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  I could do the colonic for you live on stage. Helen could do a Train the Trainer on me.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Get Enry up there. That's all I'm saying.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  And then get the Hoover.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  What else do we want?

• 29:44Speaker 03

  Oh, outrageous true stories about you that would shock or surprise us that you don't mind an arena full of people hearing about. So like an outrageous story that you've got.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  The time you once tried to give yourself a colonic.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, that kind of thing. So really outrageous. Think of it as like, you know, on Graham Norton's red chair. You ever thought, oh, this is a story I tell on Graham Norton's red chair, then get in touch.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  But more extreme.

• 30:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, sextedmyboss.com forward slash contact for all three. Just make sure you select the night you're joining us on tour. So it goes to the right place and we will see you there. Lovely. Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected], these bloody teeth. Or you can DM us, we're at Sex and My Boss on socials. Or you can write to William Moon, the fullness of time promises a handwritten reply and one of our luxury greeting cards of executive cell seal Enver Lopes. The address is on the website, sextedmyboss.com.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  On, on the letters front, I've got a big pile at home. I've actually finished projects I've been working on. So that's, that's been my win of the week. Oh, well done. Yes. Um, so I'm going to now start going back through the park because I sort of, you know, decided I need to prioritise other things. I'll, give me a few, I'll shift a few if you. Do, I mean, I will, okay, that's very kind of you. I will do that. I've got my own little head of paper now. Yes, you do. I mean, I don't use my own. I use special, you know, G and D cards.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Use whatever you like. Okay. Um, anyway, our first letter is from Catherine with a K. Hello, William Jordan and the Sexted Team. Greetings from the US. I was recently getting caught up on the podcast and listened to the episode where William expressed his distaste for Jordan's doodle doodle do. Doodle doodle. Don't. Oh, I can't do it really. Good. There's a relief. I'm reaching out for advice on how to address someone who uses similarly, similarly nonsensical phrases. My dad was recently remarried and his lovely wife often uses the phrase shubba dubba dubba. Whatever you need to just help keep in the brain tick over. There's not a lot of brain ticking over with shubba dubba dubba. I yawned over there, I thought it was going to get stuck. Honestly.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  You don't want your jaw locked in that position. Very prohibitive. Or when trying to remember something, it drives me insane. I greatly appreciate any advice on how to navigate a gentle conversation that adequately expresses just how much I loathe this phrase. Thank you in advance. All the best. Catherine. I, I think the best way to do it, Catherine, is to just do it in an honest but joking way. I go, oh, don't do that. That's sicky. Oh, oh my God, that's annoying. Yeah. It's like, what, oh, what the hell was that, girl? I don't know. Girl speechy. Yeah, diva, what was that? I mean, I can't remember how I did it for you the first time you did doodle doodle. I think I just recoiled. Yeah, but we're close friends. We tell each other stuff. Yeah, true. We can be very honest and upfront. Yeah. But no, I, yeah, I think you go, oh.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, or just, or you're gonna have to bite your lip.

• 32:32Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 32:33Speaker 02

  I mean, I guess it's just, it's your step mum, so.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Doodle doodle who, ooh, a shubba dubba dubba, ooh, that's good.

• 32:41Speaker 02

  I don't actually know which I hate more.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  Oh, wait there, oh, what day were it now, uh, were it Tuesday or Wednesday, it were, uh, a shubba dubba dubba. Oh, Wednesday, yeah, it works, that might be my new one, a doodle doodle doo.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Please, I'm gonna be sick of my mouth.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  You really hate that, why?

• 32:58Speaker 02

  I, I, I can't stand it.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  Why?

• 32:59Speaker 02

  I don't know why, I don't know why.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  You know what it's off, don't you?

• 33:03Speaker 02

  No.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  It's Jim Royal, um, Royal Family, when she goes, the, the, it's the most, I, I always say to anyone that wants to be a writer, it's the most beautiful scene. They're ordering a chippy tea and she goes, I'm not doing anybody's tea tonight, we're having chippy, I know it off by heart. And they all go, oh, and she goes, Andy, get me pen and paper, and he goes, Jim, you're up first, and he goes, oh, um, oh, doodle doodle doo, I'll have fish chips mushy peas. And that's what it's off.

• 33:28Speaker 03

  Sorry, the codeine's kicking in.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  Um, we'll crash on, this is our next dilemma from Jen, uh, my dearest William and Jordan, I'm an Englishwoman in my 50s, currently enjoying a holiday in Australia with my family. While there, I have popped over to Bali for a mini break in a five-star resort, which is way above my usual comfort zone as a middle-class pisshead. Oh, like you, it's currently.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  Uh, working-class pisshead, thank you very much.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  It's currently 9:15 in the evening, I've eaten and am nursing a chilled Pinot Grigio. My glasses are fogged, is it bad etiquette to use the tablecloths to clean my glasses? There is no serviette, they mean napkin, as the table has been cleared, whilst blurred vision I can cope with, I cannot cope with fog. Love you guys, you make my week and laugh-out moments are a sheer joy, love you both, Jen, lives in Norfolk, holidaying in Perth, Western Australia, and currently very pissed in Nusadua in Bali.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  Oh, get you.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  Get you.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  As if you just pop over to, to Bali.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Yes, an Australian going to Bali, fantasy.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  I know.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  Ever heard of that?

• 34:27Speaker 03

  Is it, is it quite close?

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Very, yeah.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  What, it's, it's their equivalent of piss. Oh, how, how, oh, is it, oh, is it?

• 34:33Speaker 02

  And I've worked in Bali.

• 34:34Speaker 03

  How long's the flight?

• 34:36Speaker 02

  Um, well, from Australia.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  You're from Perth, yeah, to Bali.

• 34:39Speaker 02

  Couple of hours.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  Oh, is it? Oh, fair enough.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  It's not. How long? Oh, it's a couple of hours times four.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Or plus four.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Don't math, it's not my strong point.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Apparently, the, um, sushi and like, um, what's the other types of food? The Thai food in Australia is.

• 34:58Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, because they're quite close to it.

• 34:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's meant to be brilliant. And the coffee, the coffee's meant to be better as well.

• 35:02Speaker 02

  Uh, well, you can get a special type of coffee in, uh, Bali, which is made from poo of a certain animal. I forget what the animal is.

• 35:12Speaker 03

  You chat shit, literally.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  Monkey. Monkey poo. No, it's, it's a thing. Please, everyone nod at me. Ben's nodding at me, yeah.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  No, don't. Um, but in answer to Jen's dilemma, no, you cannot clean your glasses on a tablecloth.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  I, I think it's perfectly fine on a tablecloth. Your glasses, maybe not your mouth. Maybe not your mouth.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Definitely not your mouth.

• 35:33Speaker 03

  But just to give them a little wipe.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  If no one's looking, potentially you can get away with it. Or, you know, if you're a glasses, I'm always fascinated with glasses, whereas if you don't carry with them glasses, cleaning devices, whether it's a spray on a cloth, whether it's a moist, single-use lens wipe.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  That's what you have with your time, don't you?

• 35:48Speaker 02

  I do. Love a lens wipe.

• 35:50Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  Although some of my ones from, uh, I, I've said before, the best lens wipes are Walgreens microfiber available in America. They're just so good, but they did dry, uh, I bought, I bulk bought, don't tell customs, I bulk bought, and not that I'm ever leaving the country ever again, so it doesn't matter. Um, and, uh, they've dried out. It just turns out they've got a use by date on them.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  Who knew?

• 36:12Speaker 03

  Oh, so how many have you got that have dried out?

• 36:15Speaker 02

  Oh, only three.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  Boxes?

• 36:17Speaker 02

  No, no, three individual. I've opened three and then I found a, a moist one.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  All right.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  Again, hellish week. Our next dilemma is from anonymous. Hello, how do I tell my mum I don't like the outfit she's chosen for my brother's wedding?

• 36:31Speaker 03

  Oh, it's a good one, it's a good one.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  I feel the outfit looks like a pyjama set with a belt. Oh, I can see it now. And I also feel that she shouldn't be wearing all black when it's her son's wedding.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  This wedding I'm going to at the weekend, quickly, just to remind her, sorry, for this anon person's message. Am I right to wear a black tie?

• 36:48Speaker 02

  It's a bit funereal.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 36:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 03

  Alright, no?

• 36:51Speaker 02

  No.

• 36:51Speaker 03

  Okay, alright.

• 36:53Speaker 02

  Don't.

• 36:54Speaker 03

  Alright, okay.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  She says she didn't want to get a pantsuit because she doesn't want something she won't wear again. But I don't think she'll wear this again either. What is your, maybe to bed? What is your advice on how to tell her? And do you agree she shouldn't wear black on this occasion? Thank you in advance, love you all on the podcast. I completely agree. You go in on the colour, not on the fit or the look, and you go, you cannot wear black to a wedding.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think you say that.

• 37:14Speaker 02

  And that's, that's like, there are resources on the internet, books, there's lots of stuff to back you up. So it's not like you're coming up with a-

• 37:21Speaker 03

  So I can't wear a black tie to a wedding?

• 37:22Speaker 02

  Absolutely not, no. It would, it would, it would be clocked.

• 37:26Speaker 03

  Would it?

• 37:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, you don't wear white as a, as a woman to another person's wedding, and you don't wear, um, black.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  So I'm thinking of wearing like a, a chequered blazer and black trousers.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  Chequered?

• 37:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, is that okay? Like, like a-

• 37:38Speaker 02

  Like a chessboard?

• 37:39Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, but smaller, like a-

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Houndstooth? No.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Like a, just, it's like a little blazer and a black trousers, is that alright?

• 37:48Speaker 02

  That sounds lovely.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Yeah?

• 37:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, if you want to.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Do you have any other options?

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Hmm. God.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Just, just a plain dark navy suit.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  I think, I think William's right there and on, just, um, I think he's spot on actually with that, just, um, say you can't wear black.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  You can't.

• 38:09Speaker 03

  Be like, look, I'm really sorry, that outfit looked lovely, didn't it? But, um, it's bugging me, it's-

• 38:14Speaker 02

  Save it for the next funeral.

• 38:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's really annoying, but I just don't think you can wear black for a wedding.

• 38:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  You can't, can you?

• 38:20Speaker 02

  And it's your, I mean, it's your, uh, it's her son's wedding. Oh, sorry, no, it is, it is his actual son, yes. Um, or speak to your brother and say, uh, do you want mum in black?

• 38:31Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Where do you stand? Or where do you stand on guests in black?

• 38:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  And if he goes, well, I don't want that, then you can at least with complete authority say to your mutual mother, No.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Just saying, I was watching something on the telly the other day, or I was listening to something on the radio and they were saying you don't wear black at weddings.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  Yes, William Hanson said it on Help Us X M Ls and Jordan North backed him up.

• 38:50Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  There we go. Play him this letter.

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Um, this is from anonymous. Recently, my husband and I have been going through IVF, which for anyone who hasn't experienced it, basically means you get a lot of internal ultrasound scans done. For these scans, the lights are usually off and there are two nurses present, and my husband is on the other side of the curtain, unable to see what's going on but able to hear everything. On this particular day, I had an absolutely lovely nurse. After some polite small talk, she began the scan. She inserted the wand into the hole and immediately I knew something was wrong. But I was so embarrassed that I couldn't find the words. The nurse very professionally said, "You're very tight." So I quietly replied, "I think that might be the wrong hole."

• 39:30Speaker 03

  You've all been there.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  Silence. Utter silence.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  At this point, I could hear my husband trying to hold in his laughter on the other side of the curtain. The nurse took a sharp intake of breath, followed by a horrified, "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry," and quickly removed the wand with lightning speed. We reset. Deep breaths all round. She tried again. In it went. She said, "Ah, there we go. You're just so small it was hard to find it the first time." At this point, I was staring at the ceiling, wondering if the ground could swallow me whole, no pun intended. I whispered into the darkness, "Still the wrong hole." She was now apologising-

• 40:06Speaker 03

  Oh my god, this sounds like me if I were a nurse.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  She was now apologising so much.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  I was worried she might actually resign on the spot. Attempt number three began. This time, she hesitated before inserting the wand and simply asked, "Is this right?" And suddenly, I was giving directions like we were parking a car. Bit more north, slightly to the right. No, you're rather right. Yes, yes, that's it. We eventually got there. Dignity, absolutely nowhere to be found.

• 40:33Speaker 03

  Who is this nurse? She sounds like she's never done one before. It sounds like William Hanson. Much chance of him finding the hole.

• 40:41Speaker 02

  So my question is, what is-

• 40:43Speaker 03

  Bloody hell!

• 40:44Speaker 02

  What is the correct etiquette when someone accidentally puts the ultrasound wand in the wrong place? Do you A, politely pretend it's fine and hope for the best, or B, start giving GPS-style directions immediately? Thanks, anonymous.

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Stevie Wonder's listening thinking, "Bloody hell, I would have got there third time round. Christ! Jesus! This is terrible."

• 41:09Speaker 02

  I mean, yeah, I mean, what nurses, I know they say they do all these, these scans with the lights off, but maybe they should actually start doing it with some sort of lighting, because they're clearly having problems. Talking of that area, you know, a while ago, a few weeks ago, you showed me my first.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  And you got a picture up on the iPad. I do believe a few weeks later, one of our friends, Chelsea and James, were recording their podcast in the studio, passports, please, and Chelsea went to look something up on that iPad. And the first thing that greeted her was a picture of a vulva.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 41:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 41:42Speaker 02

  So.

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Well, I'm glad it's friends of ours.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Yes, thank God it was.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  I'm glad it's very good friends of ours, isn't it? I think you did the right thing there. You started giving GPS style directions and it helped. I think maybe, possibly, maybe a little, little email to the hospital.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, just to let them know. Because, I mean, I'm glad you took it. And you, you know, you found the funny in it, but someone else might not find that very funny at all.

• 42:05Speaker 03

  No, just a little letter saying, excuse me, next time I have an ultrasound, we give me a nurse that.

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Actually knows anatomy.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  So we ask.

• 42:12Speaker 03

  Knows where me fanny is and not me asshole. Be that blunt.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  How big is the wand as well? I don't know.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  And best of luck with IVF as well.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  Yes, good luck. Our final dilemma is from anonymous. Dear Mr. Hanson and dear Mr. North, I have listened for quite a few years. However, I have never felt the need to write in until now.

• 42:32Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  I was out with a few friends the other night, enjoying some drinks at a local cocktail bar. It was a great night and we all had a lovely time. In the interest of making the end of the evening easier, one of my friends, let's call her Sarah, paid the entire bill. We decided we would transfer what we owed for our individual drinks to Sarah the following day, instead of trying to work it out at the bar. The next day, Sarah sent a copy of the bill in our group chat. We all started messaging with a list of what we had drunk so we could calculate the final costs. I sent my list. However, another friend, we'll call her Jane, messaged back to say, don't forget, you also had, in a name of another drink. Now, here's my dilemma.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  Oh, guess I'll use one.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  This extra drink was one that Jane had ordered for herself, had one or two sips of, decided she didn't like it, and then passed over to me to finish.

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Oh, cheeky bitch.

• 43:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Cheeky bitch.

• 43:19Speaker 02

  I didn't want to get into an argument in the group chat, so I just transferred the money for the extra drink as well. However, I believe that regardless of who ends up drinking something, if it was ordered by someone with the intention of having it themselves and they pass it off or don't like it, it is still up to them.

• 43:33Speaker 03

  That's wowed me up, the fact that she messaged saying, don't forget you had that. Cheeky cow.

• 43:39Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have had it all had it not been ordered in the first place. I also feel as a gay male in an all-female friendship group, anything even slightly argumentative that I could say could come across as bitchy.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  No.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  No, cannot relate.

• 43:51Speaker 03

  Don't be daft.

• 43:52Speaker 02

  What is the etiquette in this scenario and what should I have done differently? If anything, keep up the great work, guys. I mean, Jane sounds like a piece of work.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  You did the right thing. You did the right thing because ultimately you are.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  You've been the better person.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  You've been the better person.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:07Speaker 03

  But know that listening to your favourite podcast, thanks by the way, that we agree with you, we're on your side and she was in the wrong, but you've done the right thing. Because if you started getting into it, you'd look as petty as her, I think.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 03

  So you did the right thing. Let it go. That karma will come back to her.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  And the good karma will come back to you.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  And make a mental note when you're next out for drinks. And if she orders something that she doesn't like, don't go, oh yeah, I'll have it. Make sure she stays with it. Also, I don't know why.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  That really annoyed me, that. That really annoyed me. A little pettiness like that. It's like when I went on stag do and you know Rick, my best mate?

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 03

  He's, I can say this, he's tired and cramp. Right, he is.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Hello, hello Rick, if you're listening or watching.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  And we were in Dublin.

• 44:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  All weekend. And all weekend, I said to him, me and you'll stay on rounds. Because you know what it's like with this big group of lads. I was like, me and you'll stick on rounds all weekend. I was like, yeah. So I go and get Guinness in. He goes and gets Guinness in. We're drinking Guinness all weekend. Gets to Sun- gets to Sunday and he says to me, he said, all right, that Guinness. And I went, yeah, yeah, it's sound. He went, I've been getting beamish all weekend. I went, what? He went, yeah, it's 10p cheaper. So all weekend, I'd been getting the proper stuff and not even noticed, even asked them at one point to put it in a Guinness glass, which by the way, the bar man was kicking off because like if Guinness find out we're doing this, they'll go mad. So I'm drinking Beamish, which is like Timu version of Guinness. And that wound me up. And I'm getting wound up thinking about it.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  I didn't even know there was such a thing.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  He thought it was funny. I proper fell out here. I didn't speak to him all the way home. I didn't. He was like, what am I like eh? And I'm like, no, you're a tight bastard. And that's pissed me off just because it was 10p cheaper.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Can you taste the difference between Beamish and Guinness?

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Well, no, clearly not. I didn't know. I didn't know. You can't, you can actually. But when you're pissed, yeah. Anyway, sorry, carry on.

• 45:57Speaker 04

  I think that's why the kitty works quite well in those situations.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  No, no, that's for another time. We'll do the etiquette analogy of a kitty.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  You will.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Because I, I, not on a stag do. I agree for the stag, but not for everybody else.

• 46:10Speaker 04

  Really?

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. And, and, and a stag or a hen shouldn't be buying their own drinks on the hen do. So you should say.

• 46:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I'd agree with that.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  He's usually say, they put like about 20 quid in and then usually give it best man's black match who's got a drink all weekend. But they shouldn't be buying their own drinks. But when you do a kitty for everyone else, it gets messy.

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 03

  So.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't also get why people like Jane would always would order a drink. I mean, I'm not a risk taker with drinks. I like, I know what I like and that's what I'm just going to order. But if I see in a cocktail, I'm not like one of those, oh, I think I'll try one of those. It's like, no, I, I will order one of three drinks.

• 46:47Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 46:47Speaker 02

  So I don't get it why, especially when you're paying for it in a, in a group dynamic, you would even risk it with a, with a cocktail that you potentially may not like.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  Jen sounds like a woman of a certain age. Jane, like my mum, like my mum, she'll get in and go, oh, what's the strawberry daiquiri? Oh, I'll try that. What's that? Strawberry daiquiri? Oh, yeah. A woo woo? Go on, I'll try a woo woo. She'll have two tips, go, not for me that. Sex on beach. I had that with your dad in eighties. Shut up. You're not funny. All right. Thanks for your questions and dilemmas. Remember you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. One dribbling on gone. And 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can watch us on YouTube as well. We put full episodes up on every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexted.

• 47:37Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  Goodbye. We'll see you on Friday.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Hey, it's Adam Grant from TED's Rethinking Podcast. As businesses scale, success depends on how well knowledge is captured, shared, and kept up to date. Camtasia Pro turns teams' expertise into engaging training, onboarding, and documentation. No professional editing experience required. With the industry's best screen recording, video editing, and AI-powered workflows, you can train faster and boost operational efficiency. Get over $100 off your first year at camtasia pro.com and start building a smarter way to educate customers, onboard employees, and ensure valuable expertise is shared across teams.

• 48:19Speaker 07

  It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween!

• 48:27Speaker 08

  And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Ben, we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches. We've got a spooky hotline caller. An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert. And your tarot card dilemmas. Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.