Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss Help I Used Dirty Loo Roll | And We’re On The TOUR BUS! About this episode The boys are on tour and behaving badly at the back of the bus! Jordan won't stop telling the WAGs off and William's making production crew give up their bunks for his personal belongings. But in between the horse anecdotes and train terrors, there's always time for your dilemmas, which include whether it's okay to sleep with your child's teacher or use someone's dirty toilet paper.
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Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production.
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Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 Hello, this is Susie Ruffel.
0:01 Speaker 01 And Maisie Adam.
0:02 Speaker 00 And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it?
0:04 Speaker 01 Only the best podcast ever.
0:06 Speaker 00 Yes!
0:07 Speaker 01 A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.
0:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping, too.
0:18 Speaker 01 Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip.
0:21 Speaker 00 Num, num, num, num, num. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy.
0:27 Speaker 01 Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.
0:36 Speaker 02 But Debs, thank you for writing in and sharing that with us.
0:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, you really, you really should. Because you have just said that, you have officially earned the title of creative co-director.
0:47 Speaker 02 Oh, yay!
0:51 Speaker 02 Just before we start the episode, we're on the tour bus and we're crossing over the Welsh Bridge. What's it called?
0:56 Speaker 03 The Second Seven Crossing.
0:58 Speaker 02 The Second Seven Crossing. So, yeah, here we go.
1:02 Speaker 03 Gorgeous bridge.
1:03 Speaker 02 Quiet, please, wags.
1:04 Speaker 03 They are quiet.
1:05 Speaker 02 No, they're not, they're giggling. Wags and schlegs, be quiet, please.
1:11 Speaker 02 Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate Quiet, Please Wags.
1:17 Speaker 03 They are quiet, for God's sake!
1:19 Speaker 02 Where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas like, what should you do when your boyfriend starts slapping his mum's bum? Or, how to tell your best mate that his outfits for the tour are taking up too much of the budget? What should you do if you've accidentally sexed... Who's driving this? Colin MacRae? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony aunt, are we? William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert.
1:46 Speaker 03 You've misread that. It actually says, but we're not your usual busy bus boys.
1:52 Speaker 02 But we're not your usual busy bus boys, are we? William Hanson.
1:56 Speaker 03 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more back of the bus, you're more bang bus.
2:00 Speaker 02 That's bang bus.
2:01 Speaker 03 I don't get that. That's from Junk Cut Jack.
2:04 Speaker 04 Millennial reference.
2:05 Speaker 03 A millennial reference.
2:06 Speaker 02 It's been a busy week for that team. Don't... Standards will slip when they're also producing an arena show as well.
2:13 Speaker 03 Is that a millennial heterosexual reference? I thought so.
2:16 Speaker 02 Get a Debs there from Social Joan, telling them...
2:20 Speaker 03 For those that haven't picked it up, we are on our bus going from Cardiff, where last night we did our first arena show, to Wembley. I believe you have to put an R in the middle when you say it. And for our second show, this will be a spoiler free episode because this is going out before we do Glasgow and Manchester. So if you are coming to Glasgow and Manchester, don't worry, no spoilers.
2:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, big thanks to everyone that came to see us in Cardiff last night. We hope you all had a wonderful evening.
2:49 Speaker 03 We did, a lovely evening.
2:51 Speaker 02 I make it no secret, I absolutely bloody love Cardiff.
2:54 Speaker 03 I mean, it's not GCHQ, is it?
2:57 Speaker 02 I, I think it's such a lovely, lovely city.
3:01 Speaker 03 You're right.
3:02 Speaker 02 The people are, no, I'm burping. The people are really nice there.
3:06 Speaker 03 They are lovely.
3:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:08 Speaker 03 It was a very, it was a lovely house to give it a theatrical bent. Oh, we're coming to, we're grinding to a stop. It's going well, but we are towards the end of the bridge.
3:17 Speaker 02 I'm like a horse, mate. I don't like bridges.
3:21 Speaker 03 Do horses not like bridges?
3:22 Speaker 02 No, horses don't. I'm a bit like that.
3:23 Speaker 03 What have, what have they got against bridges?
3:25 Speaker 02 You know, horses like freak out on bridges.
3:28 Speaker 03 When have you been on a horse over a bridge?
3:30 Speaker 02 Well, this is well known, horses don't like going over bridges, do they?
3:32 Speaker 03 I didn't know it.
3:33 Speaker 02 They do. It's why all the castles in the old days are bridges and stuff because the horses, the cavalry couldn't get over them.
3:38 Speaker 03 Well, no, I think they had bridges because they had moat, because they had moats.
3:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, for the horses. They could be attacked by men on horses. It's true. And, and it's well known.
3:49 Speaker 03 It's not well known.
3:50 Speaker 02 Horsey people listening to this will know that horses don't like going over bridges. Google it, Joe, please. Thank you, Social Joe. Thank you very much. Oh, it's well known, like, you've got to be careful. And that's what I'm like. I'm like a horse going over a bridge. You can take a horse to a bridge, but you can't make it walk over. That's not true, is it?
4:10 Speaker 03 We don't have any G and D or indeed any drink other than water.
4:14 Speaker 02 Because we're hungover.
4:15 Speaker 03 Well, no, we were on a bus and it's. 12 o'clock. Oh, it's, oh, it's after 12. I'll have a martini. And so we're going to toast everyone who came and also to the wonderful touring crew who have put, literally put the show on the road. So we are raising our imaginary glasses to you. To the crew and to everyone who came to Cardiff.
4:35 Speaker 02 We should say as well, thanks to all the crew here on the tour bus. I know how hard you've been working and doing the episodes, but like the team that put all the stage up, you know, they were yesterday, they started at six in the morning.
4:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:48 Speaker 02 They finish at 12 at night.
4:51 Speaker 03 Well, I think they.
4:51 Speaker 04 They talk about it on their podcast about when they got up in the morning.
4:55 Speaker 02 So, and then, so they, they are grafters then, lads. So we do appreciate it. We do.
4:59 Speaker 03 Um, so some of us on this bus have been out already, uh, working up a sweat, doing a park run.
5:07 Speaker 02 Hmm.
5:08 Speaker 03 Producer Ben and Mikey, my husband, I'm looking at both of you. How was that?
5:14 Speaker 04 Lovely, actually, yeah.
5:15 Speaker 03 Good. Did anyone turn up?
5:16 Speaker 04 EPB fun run. Uh, we had, yeah, I had a number of.
5:18 Speaker 03 EPB fun run?
5:19 Speaker 04 Yes.
5:20 Speaker 03 He was the runner, Mikey was the fan?
5:21 Speaker 04 Exactly.
5:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:22 Speaker 02 They only did 5K.
5:24 Speaker 03 What? Yeah, that's. It's called a park run?
5:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, I thought park runs were 10K.
5:28 Speaker 04 They're not. They're 5K. And apparently Cardiff Park Run is one of the biggest in the country. So there were a thousand people.
5:35 Speaker 03 Oh. Which part?
5:36 Speaker 04 All for me. Um, black wear, I think it's called. Black wear.
5:40 Speaker 03 Okay.
5:41 Speaker 04 Um, but yeah, we had Fuji and Divas said hi beforehand.
5:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, they were waiting for you, weren't they? Holding signs up.
5:47 Speaker 03 And you.
5:48 Speaker 04 And then as we were running around, there was one particular group of G and D was who screamed my name as I passed and I felt a bit like I was in one direction.
5:57 Speaker 03 Oh, right. Well, that's sweet.
6:01 Speaker 04 So, yes, it was, it was a lot of fun and I'll be doing the same in London tomorrow at time of recording.
6:07 Speaker 03 But are you putting that out on the social?
6:10 Speaker 04 Yes.
6:10 Speaker 03 Oh, you are? Are you doing one in London as well? I thought it was just Glasgow.
6:14 Speaker 04 No, every, every, every city.
6:16 Speaker 03 Marvelous. And just to really hammer home that you are EPB, you were wearing a vest that says EPB.
6:22 Speaker 04 Yes, I just did. I obviously I'm a tall man, but I wanted to make sure that everyone knew.
6:26 Speaker 02 Do you have a vest that says EPB on?
6:27 Speaker 04 Yes. I had it specially designed.
6:31 Speaker 02 That's sad.
6:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:32 Speaker 02 That's sad.
6:35 Speaker 03 Anyway, talking of outfits, without giving too much away, there's one costume that we have on the tour, which I have been told on the crew touring bus that they sleep on as they're being driven from place to place. One of the poor crew has to sleep on the little sofa area instead of a bunk, because my costume has to live on one of their bunk. So I'm very, very sorry to the crew. I think they're taking turns to switch.
7:02 Speaker 02 Is that true?
7:03 Speaker 03 Yep.
7:04 Speaker 02 That's amazing. Honestly, William and his costume changes. I'm gonna say this for the record.
7:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
7:09 Speaker 02 After the first night.
7:10 Speaker 03 Okay, go on.
7:13 Speaker 02 I'm glad we didn't get the costumes off Amazon in the end.
7:15 Speaker 03 Thank you very much.
7:16 Speaker 02 That, that was...
7:18 Speaker 03 Jordan, and I'm gonna say something to you as well, because you have just said that. You have officially earned the title of creative co-director.
7:26 Speaker 02 Oh, yay! We clap, you can clap, yay!
7:34 Speaker 03 Brackets acting. You're just acting.
7:37 Speaker 02 No, don't take that away from me. I, yeah, okay.
7:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, the fact you've come around to my way of thinking, you've earned that status.
7:45 Speaker 02 Oh, I know, you were, you were right. It was, you can be also co-star of the show, Brackets acting.
7:52 Speaker 03 Oh, thank you. Clap.
7:56 Speaker 02 All right, settle, Waggs, settle!
7:57 Speaker 03 All right, it's not Chris Moyles, it's not...
7:59 Speaker 02 Waggs, settle!
8:00 Speaker 03 We're lucky to be here because we were on the train and we met Sally, the train manager, who...
8:07 Speaker 02 Oh, we're calling her Sally, aren't we?
8:08 Speaker 03 We are calling her Sally for legal reasons. And the train had what we can call turbulence, if trains can have turbulence.
8:17 Speaker 02 The best way to say it, we were on this train and we were just going through the final running order of the show. And I was like, it honestly was rocking, and I've been on trains many a time in my life. And it felt like it was coming off the track.
8:30 Speaker 03 Sitting next to Isambard Kingdom Brunel.
8:33 Speaker 02 I don't know who that is.
8:35 Speaker 03 Neither does anyone. It's a local Bristol reference. What do you mean, neither does anyone? Know your country's history, man.
8:43 Speaker 02 Man? Man? Calabunga, dude.
8:47 Speaker 03 Hands up if you know who Isambard Kingdom Brunel is. Thank you. One, two, three, four.
8:53 Speaker 02 Who's Isabardle Kindle Brunel? I thought that was a pub, like, Wetherspoons.
8:58 Speaker 03 Well, it probably is, actually, yes.
9:00 Speaker 02 It probably is, actually.
9:01 Speaker 03 Did you put your hand up? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
9:02 Speaker 02 All right, Jack, do you know what it is?
9:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:05 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:07 Speaker 03 So, anyway.
9:07 Speaker 02 Right, so Sally was on and I said...
9:09 Speaker 03 You are the train expert, is what we were getting at.
9:11 Speaker 02 So I said to Sally, who, by the way, is just genuinely one of the best people I've met this year.
9:15 Speaker 03 I think she might have been from Bristol.
9:17 Speaker 02 I said, "Excuse me, is everything all right? This is rocking." And she went, "I don't know how to say this, my love, but I think there's a defect with the train."
9:26 Speaker 03 Defect of the track.
9:27 Speaker 02 With the track. "I think there's a defect..." And I went, "Right, all right." And she went, "And the thing is, if I'm honest, I've only been doing this for four days. And last week, I passed out on the train."
9:37 Speaker 03 Which we thought, no, but when she said "passed out", we all thought it meant she'd fainted. What she actually meant was that she'd passed out from, I don't know, like, the Sandhurst equivalent of...
9:46 Speaker 02 Yes, of train.
9:47 Speaker 03 ...train manager. She graduated to become a train manager.
9:50 Speaker 02 She went, "But don't worry, I'm sure it's fine, but I don't know because I've only been doing this four days."
9:55 Speaker 03 And we were like, "Mate." And then a couple of hours later, she came back. And she went, oh, no, a couple of hours, a couple of, like, 20 minutes later, she went back. "Oh, my God, I didn't realise that you were both, like, fuck-off famous. Otherwise, I wouldn't have said that it's a defective track." We're like, "Okay, well, I don't think you should really be saying to anyone whether we are..." Well, not the quote-unquote fuck-off famous, but...
10:18 Speaker 02 So now we get a picture and she just... She stayed for about half, no, no, about 20 minutes.
10:24 Speaker 03 We had a lovely chat.
10:24 Speaker 02 She was the highlight of it.
10:26 Speaker 03 She was. She was absolutely lovely. Do we also just want to touch, well, we are, you know, we get on famously and all friendships, and especially as creative co-directors, you know, we might have creative codifferences. And we might have had our biggest creative codifference, although all one-sided, on Wednesday, when we came back from our tech rehearsal in Liverpool.
10:49 Speaker 02 I think we might have had our... Biggest argument.
10:52 Speaker 03 No, no, I think we've had bigger.
10:53 Speaker 02 Have we?
10:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have, yeah, we have. We had, um, Wednesday, look.
10:58 Speaker 03 Not, we haven't had one for years, to be honest. We were probably overdue one.
11:02 Speaker 02 Wednesday was a bit stressful and anyone knows getting a show together and stuff and it was, uh, it was a bit manic.
11:10 Speaker 03 Everyone knows.
11:11 Speaker 02 And, um, we might have had, all, all three of us, Ben, you're no, you're no angel in this.
11:18 Speaker 04 What?
11:18 Speaker 03 Hang on, hang on, now you're coming, came like, you came for me.
11:21 Speaker 02 No. On the train home when we were debriefing the day, yeah, you know, it, it might have been said that I felt like nobody was listening to my creative input. So.
11:31 Speaker 04 Sorry, you said that, I didn't, I didn't.
11:33 Speaker 02 So then we might have had an argument. Then we had sausage and mash and some vodka and it was all fine after that.
11:38 Speaker 03 You were, yeah.
11:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, we, we, look, we had a bit of a, bit of an argument Wednesday. I mean, by Thursday morning, I didn't even wanna do this.
11:44 Speaker 03 Can I just say with an argument, um, I, I actually didn't say anything.
11:51 Speaker 04 Let's not argue again.
11:52 Speaker 02 Wow, okay, wow.
11:54 Speaker 03 I just was very silent.
11:55 Speaker 02 You was.
11:58 Speaker 02 I just felt like my input wasn't being listened to and you were being quite dismissive of certain.
12:05 Speaker 04 The funny thing.
12:06 Speaker 02 And now you, now, but it's fine now.
12:07 Speaker 03 It's fine because we're creative.
12:09 Speaker 02 And now you can then say your bit.
12:11 Speaker 04 What?
12:11 Speaker 02 Did you feel like I was being annoying and ADHD and all the little bits that?
12:15 Speaker 03 Well, you, you said that all I had been worrying about all day was the curtain.
12:18 Speaker 02 And you.
12:18 Speaker 03 Which was not true. We didn't even have a curtain on Wednesday.
12:21 Speaker 04 That's part of the fucking reason we were arguing, anyway.
12:24 Speaker 02 It's all fine now.
12:25 Speaker 03 All fine now.
12:26 Speaker 04 Those sorts of arguments come from a place of love, don't they?
12:28 Speaker 03 They do.
12:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:29 Speaker 03 It's because we all care.
12:30 Speaker 04 Thank you, Jordan.
12:31 Speaker 02 Because I touch.
12:33 Speaker 04 You're touching my fingers.
12:34 Speaker 03 Why are we touching fingers?
12:35 Speaker 02 Because we're.
12:36 Speaker 04 Because we're friends.
12:37 Speaker 02 It's been quite the week.
12:38 Speaker 04 It has.
12:39 Speaker 03 But we've had a lovely first show. Also, can we talk about the dancers, the Debonnets? Great crack.
12:44 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. Did not ex, I beg your pardon.
12:48 Speaker 03 They're great crack, you know, the Irish thing.
12:50 Speaker 02 Oh, we did not expect the dancers last night and please tell me if this is being, um, stereotypical.
12:56 Speaker 04 I think it is.
12:57 Speaker 03 I think it is, so I probably wouldn't say it.
12:58 Speaker 02 So, no, no, but didn't ex, when we went up to the bar last night after the show, all the dancers, pints of Guinness. I didn't, I thought they'd be like.
13:07 Speaker 03 It's not where I thought that was going.
13:09 Speaker 02 I thought they'd be like. Creme de menthe frappes and bloody gin and tonics, or maybe a half a lager. No. And I shouldn't, and that's my fault for being narrow minded.
13:19 Speaker 03 Yes.
13:19 Speaker 04 You've got to check yourself.
13:20 Speaker 03 You're a bigot.
13:21 Speaker 02 I'm not, I just, they honestly got there and went, all right lads, every one of them are Guinness.
13:26 Speaker 03 Yeah. Well, there we go. Blue, uh, didn't someone have like a still water or something?
13:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think one of them doesn't drink, which is fine.
13:34 Speaker 03 Which is fine.
13:35 Speaker 02 Which is fine.
13:35 Speaker 03 Oh, Billy, the choreographer had a Guinness Zero.
13:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:38 Speaker 03 But again, still Guinness.
13:39 Speaker 02 And at the time of recording, we are on our way to London for the Wembley show, and I genuinely don't think there is a non-media gay person that isn't on the guest list tonight.
13:49 Speaker 03 What can I say?
13:50 Speaker 02 Every gay that works in the media in London is genuinely on William's guest list. Am I right?
13:57 Speaker 03 If we take all, all the gays that work in the media in London and bring them tonight, as indeed we are, there are still fewer than your mother's guest list in Manchester. I'll just say that. Anyway, we can't wait for Wembley, and very soon we're going to pull off into a service station. We're going to go to Membray. Not a sound from the pavement.
14:21 Speaker 02 What is that? What is that reference?
14:23 Speaker 03 It's a cat's joke, okay?
14:25 Speaker 02 I don't get it. Membray, not a sound. What do they sing about the service station, the cat?
14:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, Andrew Lloyd Webber loved that. He's got a great, he's got a great track in a Vita about Lee Delamere.
14:35 Speaker 02 I don't know, I don't know what's.
14:39 Speaker 02 I don't know what's happening, brother. The wags are loving that one. I did not get that reference, but oh, that's so cute. Poor Mikey's crying with laughter over there.
14:52 Speaker 02 About him?
14:53 Speaker 04 Mikey impression.
14:54 Speaker 02 Oh, well, no, I don't just do it, I don't do it in front of him. Ben's just mouthed me, Mikey impression.
15:01 Speaker 03 Go on.
15:02 Speaker 02 No, I can't when he's looking, not when he's looking at me.
15:04 Speaker 03 He's covering, is he?
15:05 Speaker 02 Oh, the good film, that love, that really funny. Mikey, thank you.
15:10 Speaker 03 Um, anyway, yeah, so we're gonna go to, do you like a service station?
15:14 Speaker 02 I love a service station.
15:15 Speaker 03 Because I wrote, I did a piece last year, you, you parodied it on social media about for country life on what, signs of a gentleman. And I said that a gentleman only ever uses a service station to motorway for the loo and is out as quick as possible. What I wanted to put, they wouldn't let me put in, is that I feel that lesbians spend longer time at service stations than gay men.
15:36 Speaker 02 Why?
15:36 Speaker 03 Because they like all of that, don't they? You know? Feel at home with the truckers. So, you know, I, I feel, I don't want to loiter at Membry. That's my.
15:49 Speaker 02 I'm an in and out when it comes to stations, but I always stop at shit ones. I don't know any of them. Everyone's like, oh, do you go to?
15:53 Speaker 03 The only nice ones.
15:54 Speaker 02 Do you go to Cobham? Do you go to Pylonthun? And you're like, sorry, I'm just looking at pylons.
16:03 Speaker 02 I'm like, I've never heard of it. Yeah.
16:05 Speaker 03 The nice ones are Gloucester and Teabay. There's one in Scotland, Cairn Lodge or something. That's very nice. But other than that.
16:13 Speaker 02 Best one was the one we stopped in Dublin and he just made me a proper sausage buttery on thick white bread with butter. Like, where can you go now and just get a sausage sandwich on white bread?
16:22 Speaker 03 Greg's.
16:22 Speaker 02 It was, no, you can't. It's a bun and they don't butter it. Well, you did butter it in Greg's, but it was just, I remember thinking, I'll have a sausage. It was spot on. But yeah, we're all having fun so far. We only argued on Wednesday. I slept really well last night. Big shout out to Flirt and Danielle who looked after us in the hotel. We stayed out in Wales.
16:39 Speaker 03 Gin and Dubonnet in the room to receive us.
16:41 Speaker 02 Oh, so sweet. Apparently they were really excited that we were coming, but we missed them. So they're all managers of the hotel. What was the hotel called we stayed in last night?
16:48 Speaker 03 I forget.
16:48 Speaker 02 What was the hotel?
16:50 Speaker 03 Voco.
16:51 Speaker 02 Voco in Cardiff, which is beautiful. It's right on Bay. It's a big shout out.
16:55 Speaker 03 Right on Bay.
16:56 Speaker 02 So looking after us.
16:57 Speaker 03 Tiger, we stayed in Tiger Bay, which is where, as I said to everyone very excitedly, where Shirley Bas is from.
17:02 Speaker 02 Gold finger.
17:06 Speaker 02 Diamonds are forever, forever. Is that Shirley Bas?
17:09 Speaker 03 Yes, and Moonraker.
17:11 Speaker 02 Did you do Moonraker?
17:12 Speaker 03 Those were her three, yeah.
17:13 Speaker 02 What was them? A miniature walk in the dry.
17:18 Speaker 03 Anyway. Shall we go to George's?
17:20 Speaker 02 Fender spender. Spend a little time.
17:25 Speaker 03 With me. Here's the jingle.
17:27 Speaker 02 Let's do it dry. Go on.
17:29 Speaker 03 Second time you've said that.
17:31 Speaker 02 I know. Here we go. If you're like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat. Wax. With our Jordan. And if the giggle is what you see, you're charred to love Jordan's Charlie Joker of the week.
17:49 Speaker 03 Oi.
17:50 Speaker 02 Here we go. Oh, that's just my For You page on Instagram.
17:56 Speaker 02 Uh, da-da-da-da-da. I did. Oh, here we go.
18:01 Speaker 03 Here we go.
18:02 Speaker 02 Right, this one I got sent yesterday. Oh no, I've got the name. From Emily Howarth, or Hayworth, Howarth, Emily Hayworth.
18:10 Speaker 03 Do you want me to read it?
18:12 Speaker 04 You've said that three different ways.
18:14 Speaker 02 Four gay guys are sitting in a jacuzzi, and I'll tell you the punchline after the break.
18:19 Speaker 03 It's like our spa weekend again.
18:25 Speaker 05 It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween!
18:33 Speaker 05 And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.
18:46 Speaker 05 We've got a spooky hotline caller. An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert. And your tarot card dilemmas. Listen to our Halloween specials. Search for The Girl's Bathroom.
19:03 Speaker 02 All right, Jean, do you have a song sticking with us? This jolly joke of the week's from Emma Hayworth Howarth Howarth, or Hearth. She says, "Four gay guys are sitting in a jacuzzi, when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turned around and says, 'Right, who's farted?'"
19:19 Speaker 03 Oh my god. Now, as we have said, we're on the tour bus. We'll hopefully be stopping at a service station at some point. And the team thought it would be fun if we play a little game when we get there.
19:30 Speaker 02 Let me guess, this is his idea.
19:32 Speaker 03 So we're going to try and buy each other the most Jordan or the most William thing for under £5.
19:38 Speaker 02 At service stations, you can't even get a gangsters for under £5. Gangsters!
19:43 Speaker 03 What's that?
19:43 Speaker 02 Gangsters. A sausage roll, scotch egg.
19:46 Speaker 03 Okay. Well, we'll find out how we did on Friday's episode. So that doesn't give you a reason to tune in. I don't know what will.
19:52 Speaker 02 That's actually very, that'll be fun, that.
19:54 Speaker 03 Yes.
19:54 Speaker 02 Do you know what? I think we say a tenner.
19:56 Speaker 03 All right, lifestyle inflation.
19:58 Speaker 02 Okay, for a tenner, because we'll probably, the service station's so dear these days. All right, now it's time for our questions and dilemmas. Remember, we have no idea what's coming up. So, William Hanson, what do we have? Do you want to share this, my love?
20:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, all right. Thank you. I'll use your iPad. Our first dilemma is from anonymous. William, Jordan and the Sexton team. "I'm after advice over a piece of furniture. Just over five years ago, I downsized my home. At the time, I offered a relative of mine a piece of furniture. Let's just say it's a coffee table." Well, why, is it a coffee table or are we saying it's a?
20:27 Speaker 02 Well, what is it?
20:28 Speaker 03 As I thought I wouldn't have the room for it in my own home. It had been in our family for generations, so I was happy at the time for it to be passed on.
20:36 Speaker 02 Sorry, AD, before I forget, I've got a new coffee table and the old one, keep me in to see if you want it.
20:41 Speaker 03 No, I'm, I'm getting a new coffee table myself, obviously.
20:43 Speaker 02 Of course, of course you are, I do want it, you're a cat, it's nice, it's only had it a couple of years. Anyway, let us know.
20:50 Speaker 03 Okay, well, do you think if you'd like a coffee table, let us know.
20:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, let us know, I'll put a picture up, Joe, remind me to get you a picture of coffee table. If anyone wants it and is in the London area, they genuinely can take it off me.
21:00 Speaker 03 As it is quite a big piece of furniture, I expected it to be collected fairly soon. This didn't happen, so I decided to make use of the table as it was taking up space. I recently spoke to my relative who brought up the table and said they would come and collect it soon. But as this is now part of my home and it would be inconvenient for me to now give it away. My question is, is there a time limit on how long you should keep hold of something you have promised to another person? After five years, should I honour our original agreement? And if I do decide to tell them I'm now keeping it, what's the best way to go about it?
21:31 Speaker 02 I think after five years, yeah, it's fine. And you just have to say, I'm gonna be honest, I thought I didn't want it, but now I've got it in the new house and I'm gonna keep it. And it says more about them if they get iffy about it.
21:43 Speaker 03 After five years, I think there is a statute of limitations, if they haven't collected it, then it's, you know.
21:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're, you're, you've not done all right, wrong here, so I think you've just got to be honest about it. I'm, I'm sorry, I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep it.
21:53 Speaker 03 Our next dilemma is from Jenna.
21:57 Speaker 02 For the idiot, I'm taking my hoodie off.
21:59 Speaker 03 Our next dilemma is from Jenna, dear William, Jordan and all of the lovely sexted crew. I'm writing to you today with an etiquette dilemma, specifically one regarding hats. Excellent. My husband is a pilot and he absolutely refuses to wear his pilot hat. I believe this is due to an unfortunate comment I made once about thirteen years ago when he first started his airline job. He sent me a photo of him in his uniform and while I was of course complimentary, who doesn't love a man in uniform? I did make a thoughtless joke that he looked like a train conductor with his hat on. Unfortunately, he's never forgotten it and hasn't worn the hat since.
22:34 Speaker 02 Oh, I like it when pilots pop their little caps, you know, when sometimes they get on the bus with you to go back to Air Force. And they pop it on and I'm like, good on you.
22:42 Speaker 03 So William, is it bad etiquette for a pilot to wear their hat indoors? I feel that as it's part of the uniform and primarily inside an airport terminal, it is acceptable to keep the hat on. I think he's using this as an excuse and I told him I would go to the world's highest authority and etiquette for the answer. Lots of love to you all and long live the sexted podcast. Oh, thank you, Jenna. Um, yes, so I would say a uniform hat, so I'm thinking police helmets, hats, that sort of thing and pilots hats. Bus conductor hats, if they still wear them. Uh, I, I don't think we have bus conductors anymore. Um, I would say you can wear it in your place of work. So when you're walking through a terminal, I would say when you're on the aircraft.
23:23 Speaker 03 But if you sort of stop in the terminal at a coffee shop or to have food, I would take the hat off.
23:29 Speaker 02 I, it's weird because I was on the, uh, other side of this. And I, look, there's no bigger piss taker than me, but I haven't worn a leather jacket for about fifteen, sixteen years. I bought a leather jacket from Topman, right? It was brand new. I walked into a pub and one at Locals, Airy John turned around and went, hey, up, fucking Danny Zuko. All pub laugh, all took piss out of me, started singing, the old summer night. I've never worn a leather jacket since because it's mentally there. I've bought, I've got two in my cupboard, right? I've got two in my cupboard and they haven't come out yet.
24:08 Speaker 02 I've never worn them.
24:09 Speaker 03 No comments.
24:10 Speaker 02 Never worn, and one's a lovely brown one. Every time I go to put it on, I'm like, I can't, I can't do it. So it does psychologically stay there.
24:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a lot going on.
24:21 Speaker 03 Anything else in that wardrobe?
24:24 Speaker 02 Come and have a look. That and the coffee table.
24:26 Speaker 04 What's your favourite type of hat?
24:28 Speaker 03 My favourite type of hat is a, well, a top, a black silk top hat like I wore to Alaska. I love. I think it's very smart. You can only really wear it to morning dress occasions. I am toying this year. Is it the year of the bowler? For me.
24:41 Speaker 02 No, do you know why?
24:43 Speaker 03 Why?
24:43 Speaker 02 Preston North End fans wear them, so they have a.
24:47 Speaker 04 Reason to wear them.
24:48 Speaker 02 Think they call it Gentry Day? It's after, is it, anyway, there's a day where all Preston fans wear bowler hats. So I'd associate it with being a North Ender.
24:58 Speaker 03 Okay.
24:58 Speaker 02 Or a Nob Ender.
24:59 Speaker 03 What's your favourite type of hat?
25:01 Speaker 02 A cap.
25:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:03 Speaker 02 Specifically an Amelie Andiore one.
25:06 Speaker 03 Right.
25:06 Speaker 02 Can't say the brand, but when I went to New York last Christmas.
25:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:10 Speaker 02 Everyone had these on. I'd never heard of it before and I just went up to this guy and went, "Excuse me, where's your hat from?" He went, "Oh, it's Amelie Andiore." Or something like that. And I bought it.
25:20 Speaker 03 Lovely. It's clearly an old favourite. This is from anonymous. "My work colleague and I," both single at the time, oh, I don't know where this is going, "started a friends with benefits arrangement. We were both teachers and would find some time to be alone before and after school. We had fun in every stock cupboard, the kitchen, the PE store.
25:39 Speaker 02 No, this went round every school. Did teachers actually shag in school?
25:43 Speaker 03 Sure it goes.
25:44 Speaker 02 No.
25:45 Speaker 03 And the head's office. "On one occasion, we had been in the stationery cupboard and after the deed, we had a bit of cleaning up to do. We looked around and saw what we thought was a black towel. We wiped away the offending fluids, hung the towel back up and went on our way. At the end of the day, we had a staff meeting. We went into the staff room to see the head wearing a black cardigan with crusty cum stains all down the back.
26:10 Speaker 03 Obviously, we didn't say anything. We had the meeting.
26:12 Speaker 02 Amazing.
26:13 Speaker 03 Then the head informed us she was off to chair a full governor's meeting, no apostrophe, at her son's school. Still, we didn't say anything. We just watched her and gave her cum-covered cardigan go on their way. Should we have made attempts to tell her she had a stain? Or were we right not to say anything and draw attention? Many thanks."
26:31 Speaker 02 I meant what? That's one of my favourite ones I've had in a while. Ah, you can't own up to that.
26:35 Speaker 03 You can say anything.
26:36 Speaker 02 You can't own up to that. Or maybe you could have.
26:39 Speaker 03 Could have.
26:40 Speaker 02 You could. You're being an extra knob today.
26:44 Speaker 03 Sorry.
26:44 Speaker 02 You could, it's because the air con's not on. You could have taken it out, got a quick dry cleaning and put it back.
26:51 Speaker 03 I mean, that's very quick dry cleaning.
26:53 Speaker 02 So if you take it on a Friday, paid a bit extra.
26:56 Speaker 03 No, because then you'd be like, where's my black cardigan gone?
26:58 Speaker 02 Halved it with the thing, took it into the laundrette. It's like that joke, isn't it, with a dress. Woman goes into the laundrette.
27:06 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
27:07 Speaker 02 Got a stain on me dress and the lady in the laundrette didn't quite hear it at the back. I said, come again. She said, no coffee.
27:15 Speaker 03 It's a nice joke. It's a lovely joke.
27:18 Speaker 02 Uh, anyway, so yeah, I would have done that. Took it in on the Friday and it stuck in on Monday.
27:22 Speaker 03 No, I would have just left it.
27:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:24 Speaker 03 But maybe next time in future, well, I probably don't have an affair at school, I would say on behalf of HR. Secondly, when you do do that, wherever you are, having your sort of liaison, just double check what.
27:38 Speaker 04 What you're wiping with.
27:39 Speaker 03 What you're wiping with. Yeah.
27:41 Speaker 04 That's, I think you should always check what you're wiping with.
27:44 Speaker 02 Hmm.
27:45 Speaker 03 Words to live by, yeah.
27:46 Speaker 02 Yeah. Just always have a towel by your bed, but make sure you wash it because it does get like Aladdin's carpet.
27:54 Speaker 03 This next dilemma is from Mattan. Hi guys, I love the show and now finally I have a dilemma. Once I forgot to bring my gym towel, it's another towel related question, uh, with me to work out. Is it common to use leftover towels that people forget, uh, there rather than not using one at all or should I just leave?
28:12 Speaker 02 I've done that before.
28:14 Speaker 03 So this is, hang on, using towels that people put in the laundry?
28:17 Speaker 02 No, because if there was towels at the gym, he would have had a towel. So basically I've done this before. I forgot my towel and there's been one hanging up and I've just used that. I thought,
28:27 Speaker 02 I'm wet now. So, and you can get like scabies and stuff from a bunch of towels, but I have done that before. Uh, yeah.
28:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course you can.
28:37 Speaker 02 So I I would say I've done it before. I'm not judging. That's the fine thing to do.
28:42 Speaker 03 Okay, no, well, I'd probably leave.
28:44 Speaker 02 With drip dry? Hairdryer dry?
28:47 Speaker 03 No.
28:48 Speaker 02 There's no more freaky than.
28:49 Speaker 03 I can't stand people using hairdryers for other stuff, rather than their hair on their head.
28:54 Speaker 02 There's no worse than walking into a gym training room and a bloke there, and it's always a bloke with grey pubes just drying himself. Bollock naked with flip flops on, leg, one leg on the bench.
29:03 Speaker 03 It's normally you.
29:04 Speaker 02 Just dry, it's like, come on. Just drying himself. However, when I get out of the shower, I dry my body first because I'm cold.
29:11 Speaker 03 With a hairdryer?
29:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:12 Speaker 03 Oh, no.
29:13 Speaker 02 What? It was dry my body first. They're like Austin Powers with a chest echo.
29:18 Speaker 03 At home?
29:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:21 Speaker 03 You're weird.
29:22 Speaker 02 Right, who's farted? Oh, for God's sake, is that you? Is that you?
29:27 Speaker 03 I can't smell anything.
29:28 Speaker 02 Someone's keft. That's a proper.
29:32 Speaker 03 Shall we do our final dilemma from Debs?
29:33 Speaker 02 I'm gonna say that smells like a girl trump, if you ask me. So just, I'm just putting that out there.
29:38 Speaker 03 Melania?
29:40 Speaker 02 It's. Very good.
29:45 Speaker 03 I couldn't think of the dog.
29:46 Speaker 02 Someone's trumped.
29:47 Speaker 03 Tiffany, that's what I meant.
29:49 Speaker 02 Is that you? In fact, no, I think that was, I don't think anyone has, actually. I think I'm making that up. Maybe just sweaty.
29:55 Speaker 03 Right, we'll go on to our final dilemma from Debs. Remember, he can't come soon enough. Dear Giordo, Willie, Prodib, Diego and Co., I saw your after poo related dilemmas and mine still haunt me to this day.
30:07 Speaker 02 Oh, I don't want.
30:08 Speaker 03 A couple of summers ago, I was on holiday in Turkey and went on one of those lovely boat trips, sunseated, a few too many cocktails and questionably barbecued chicken.
30:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:18 Speaker 03 You know the vibe. Anyway, halfway through the trip, my stomach started doing that ominous gurgle that says, we're not making it to shore. I dashed to the loo without my phone, rookie error. It was a lively situation, a messy affair, shall we say. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I realised there was no loo paper.
30:36 Speaker 02 Oh, gee.
30:37 Speaker 03 I couldn't waddle to another cubicle with my swimsuit around my ankles as there were people queuing. Pulling it up to leave the cubicle would have caused a full on crime scene in my pants. There were people queuing. I was trapped. Panic set in. In Turkey, you're meant to use.
30:51 Speaker 02 Yes.
30:52 Speaker 03 In Turkey, you're meant to use loo paper in the bin instead of flushing it. I felt I was left with no choice to do the unthinkable. I reached into the bin.
30:59 Speaker 02 Oh.
31:02 Speaker 03 Reused as strangers already, soiled loo paper to clean up my own mess. If this goes what is the etiquette, I'm going to shoot them. I still feel uneasy thinking about it. I washed my hands within an inch of their life, rejoined my friends and, oh god, and confessed my sins. They were horrified, understandably, but what was I meant to do? What is the etiquette? In this situation, take the shame or take the skid marks. I appreciate some validation. And I did the right thing in this very sticky situation. Love, Debs.
31:32 Speaker 02 Debs, we're on a very hot, stuffy tour bus because we've had to turn the aircon off for recording purposes. I feel physically ill. I genuinely think you're the only person in the entire history of the human race that has shared somebody else's loo paper. You could have just got in the sink and done a little little wash in the sink.
31:50 Speaker 03 Well, I mean, anything would be better than that.
31:52 Speaker 02 Uh, Jesus. Uh, Jesus, Debs. Um, I think personally you did the wrong thing.
31:57 Speaker 03 There's no etiquette there.
31:59 Speaker 04 I mean, it sounds actually unsafe.
32:02 Speaker 03 It does sound unsafe.
32:03 Speaker 04 That's worse than using a gym towel.
32:05 Speaker 03 Doctors will write in and tell you that's very unhygienic and opening yourself to all sorts of problems.
32:10 Speaker 02 Don't do that.
32:13 Speaker 04 But she had to deal with the situation, so.
32:16 Speaker 03 Well.
32:16 Speaker 02 But Debs, thank you for writing in and sharing that with us.
32:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, you really, you really shouldn't have done.
32:22 Speaker 02 Uh, thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Uh, remember you can listen, uh, to new episodes of your Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player and I feel sick. You can even watch it on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up, uh, on every release. They just head to YouTube and search for Sexted.
32:41 Speaker 03 And if you are coming to Glasgow or Manchester, we are very excited to see you and finish off our tour in a fitting style, but if not, we'll see you on Friday.
32:51 Speaker 02 We'll see you on Friday.
32:52 Speaker 03 Goodbye.
32:52 Speaker 02 Goodbye.
33:01 Speaker 06 I'm Claire Buckley and this Halloween on my podcast Pretty Scary, we are gonna cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts and aliens. Plus, the scariest movies to watch this spooky season with the lights off. So, as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window. It's probably just the cat, right? Get the candles lit and search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.
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