Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss Help I Fact Up! | With Joe Thomas And James Buckley About this episode OOO PODCAST FWIENDS!
After months of Jordan's requests (which verged on begging), we've finally got Joe Thomas and James Buckley from 'The Inbetweeners' and the 'Joe and James Fact Up!' podcast in for a chat!
First off, the boys step into Joe and James' world (and studio) for a taste of their unique brand of tangent-heavy chat and fact-finding. Then it's over to the wonderfully tame world of Help I Sexted My Boss, where it doesn't take long at all for James Buckley to spot a clone-a-willy and all hell breaks loose. And of course, it wouldn't be a Sexted episode without a few of your dilemmas for all four of the boys to try and solve.
If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected] , and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss.
Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production.
If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected] . You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss.
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Transcript 11,938 words · 8 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Hello, I'm Luke Jones.
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0:47 Speaker 02 Hello and welcome to this very special episode where Help, I Sexed My Boss joins Joe Thomas and James Buckley from the Joe and James Fact Up podcast. I'm not gonna lie, this is something I've been trying to get to happen for ages now.
1:00 Speaker 00 Yes, for all the Fact Up listeners out there, hello, we are William Hanson and Jordan North from Help, I Sexed My Boss.
1:05 Speaker 03 Hello.
1:08 Speaker 02 I'm deaf in one ear, so William always goes on my good ear.
1:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:12 Speaker 02 Yeah. Sorry. No, you don't support that so much for my deafness.
1:17 Speaker 03 Is there a tragic story behind that?
1:19 Speaker 00 In fact, you should ask that when we get going.
1:20 Speaker 03 We're going.
1:21 Speaker 02 Yeah. Oh, we're going.
1:22 Speaker 04 Well, we are, I don't know. The trouble is, we have to just take everything because we're very inefficient and we might say something good in the beginning without.
1:31 Speaker 00 I doubt it.
1:32 Speaker 03 We do about a three hour.
1:33 Speaker 04 We do about three hours and then they whittle it down to.
1:35 Speaker 00 We have the same trainers.
1:37 Speaker 03 Oh, shit.
1:37 Speaker 00 I'm not in trainers today, I'm in a nice suede loafer.
1:40 Speaker 04 Well, see, these are very nice.
1:42 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:43 Speaker 04 Now, these shoes are gradually getting worse and they do have on them, amongst other things, my three-year-old daughter's wee now. So she, the trouble is, is that she literally favors what she calls a bush wee because of Bluey, right? So she will not go to the toilet when the toilet is very, because she prefers going wild. And then the system is I basically just hold her aloft and then it kind of comes out and it goes all over the fucking place. And I just, after the most recent one, I was like, "That's just all over my fucking shoe."
2:13 Speaker 03 You know, you're allowed to tell your children not to piss outside.
2:15 Speaker 04 I can't, I am not able to do that. She, I don't have any, I have no control over her.
2:20 Speaker 02 Did you have a wee outside? Did you have a wee on your dad's wheel? You know?
2:24 Speaker 00 No.
2:24 Speaker 02 On the car?
2:25 Speaker 04 No, funnily enough, I didn't.
2:27 Speaker 02 I seen a child on the Tube having a wee monos potties yesterday, funnily enough.
2:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. She's started getting the potty out as well. I don't know why. It's just.
2:37 Speaker 05 Well, on your Tube line, I suspect that all goes on. What doesn't happen on the Elizabeth line?
2:40 Speaker 04 Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah.
2:42 Speaker 02 There's more crackheads on there than.
2:44 Speaker 05 Not on my trains.
2:46 Speaker 04 It's the, um, the Elizabeth line does it like, less stuff would go down on it.
2:51 Speaker 05 It's a very executive.
2:52 Speaker 04 Better like, yeah.
2:53 Speaker 05 For a better class of commuter.
2:55 Speaker 04 What do you think's like the roughest line? What's the worst one?
2:58 Speaker 05 What's the one you live on?
3:00 Speaker 04 Where everyone changes.
3:02 Speaker 05 Yes.
3:02 Speaker 04 So there's live updates on the map.
3:04 Speaker 02 They've just changed that, actually. They've got new trains.
3:07 Speaker 04 I used to be on Bakerloo.
3:08 Speaker 05 Yeah.
3:09 Speaker 04 It's a really old, it's the oldest one.
3:11 Speaker 05 Was that when you were at Elephant Castle, why?
3:12 Speaker 04 Yeah, we were at Elephant Castle, well.
3:14 Speaker 05 Did you live in Elephant and Castle?
3:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, I stayed at Kensington Kensington, and then we were like, it's Elephant Castle, mate.
3:19 Speaker 05 It's very gay, Elephant and Castle.
3:20 Speaker 04 Is it?
3:21 Speaker 05 Yes. It is now.
3:23 Speaker 04 Shocked.
3:23 Speaker 05 Now you've left.
3:25 Speaker 04 I know, I knew it was.
3:27 Speaker 02 We've started, by the way. Oh, we have. Oh, we've started. Well, thanks for having, I'm gonna say thanks, Evan, and I feel like I've really pushed this, because I'm trying not to fangirl right now, so I feel like it's me. I don't know if you've wanted to do this, but I've been pushing Stuart.
3:40 Speaker 05 They've been made to do this.
3:41 Speaker 04 No, but also if you want to get out of, if you want the fangirl thing to wear off for you, just spend some time with us and it will immediately wear off. You don't need to.
3:50 Speaker 02 You, you, did you ever watch The Inbetweeners or White Gold or, or even, um?
3:55 Speaker 05 I don't really watch television.
3:57 Speaker 04 No.
3:57 Speaker 05 Fine, fine. But I hear wonderful things.
4:00 Speaker 04 Thank you very much.
4:01 Speaker 05 I know lots of people love it, and that's wonderful.
4:03 Speaker 04 Well.
4:04 Speaker 05 And you are both cult figures.
4:06 Speaker 04 Yes, well, no, I don't think.
4:07 Speaker 05 Say cult?
4:08 Speaker 04 Cult.
4:08 Speaker 05 Right, okay.
4:09 Speaker 04 No, I don't wear.
4:10 Speaker 05 Two big cults.
4:12 Speaker 03 Massive cults.
4:14 Speaker 02 Did you ever watch Fresh Meat as well?
4:16 Speaker 05 No.
4:17 Speaker 03 Really? No, I don't watch.
4:18 Speaker 04 Honestly, honestly, and I'll tell you what, I don't really, I don't watch comedy now, cause I can't. It just makes me too anxious. It's like.
4:26 Speaker 03 Oh, that's a shame.
4:27 Speaker 04 If it's, well, yeah, I mean, basically, it's like, if it's good, I'm jealous. And I'm like, why? I know my career's over. Why? I can't do anything good anymore. And if it's bad, I'm like, fucking hell, is this what it's like when people are watching me? Am I this shit? So it's just, either way, it's just like.
4:40 Speaker 03 People love The Inbetweeners.
4:42 Speaker 04 Well, I don't take any credit for The Inbetweeners because, I mean, he's very good in it. But I think, he is good in it. I just think, didn't write it, didn't really know what I was doing.
4:51 Speaker 03 I've never, I've never watched anything that you or the other boys have ever done.
4:55 Speaker 04 I've watched Friday Night Dinner.
4:57 Speaker 03 Apparently Friday Night Dinner is meant to be amazing, and Robert Pop is involved.
5:00 Speaker 04 It's fantastic, but again, I didn't watch it. And then I wanted to do a retrospective for it. They asked me to do one of those talking heads for it. And I, so I watched the, oh, I'd watched a few episodes of the first series and I was like, I've got to fucking watch all of it. So I watched all of it over the course of about three days.
5:16 Speaker 03 Brilliant.
5:16 Speaker 04 And I did the talking head and I was just like catatonic with tiredness. And I was just, I knew like a weird amount about it. It was like, I think it's in a series four. Episode three, where it was, and yeah, and also they just didn't use it.
5:27 Speaker 03 The novelty of television hasn't worn off on me. Like, I can't watch it. If I was to watch, like, Fresh Meat or Friday Night Dinner or something, I'd just be going, oh, I know that guy.
5:36 Speaker 04 Yeah.
5:37 Speaker 03 He's a mate of mine. Someone I know is on the television.
5:39 Speaker 04 I mean, when I was a child, television was like a magic thing, like magic, uh, almost I was kind of like, and I really, really thought it was true. Like, if I watched The Bill, I'd be like, this is what the police is like. They wouldn't be able to put it in if it wasn't what the police was like.
5:53 Speaker 03 What shows did you grow up watching other than The Bill?
5:56 Speaker 04 Um, I, well, first of all, everything. Cause I grew up with the four channels. So it was just like every single thing. I came home, I put the television on. I kept it on if I didn't have any work to do until like one thirty in the morning and then I went to bed and I watched everything. And like, I remember.
6:11 Speaker 03 If you didn't have any work to do.
6:12 Speaker 04 I didn't, well, no.
6:13 Speaker 03 You were a kid.
6:14 Speaker 04 Well, I had essays. I mean, for school, what I mean is like, I can't remember from school. I'd watch television until. I don't know, eight, thirty, nine, I'd be like, oh, I've had to do some fucking work. And then I'd and then I'd stay up really, really late doing my, doing my work.
6:25 Speaker 03 How old were you? How old were you going, oh, I'd better do some fucking work?
6:28 Speaker 04 I suppose, I'll tell you what it was, basically, I would say that uh, fourteen, fourteen.
6:36 Speaker 03 Right.
6:37 Speaker 04 But I would, I remember, I remember there being literally nothing on. I remember, as in, as in the, the quality of there being nothing on, like when you'd have just the four channels and like, there were honestly, um, there were some really, really like black periods on a Sunday where there was horse racing on two channels.
6:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
6:58 Speaker 04 And I think, oh, I mean, for fucks, I honestly, I, and I just couldn't even, I couldn't even look at the screen. I couldn't even.
7:06 Speaker 03 I was never at home when I was a kid. I was just outside.
7:08 Speaker 02 I was the same. I was always out. And I didn't tell you, I was always played football, Kirby, Mannam.
7:13 Speaker 04 That sounds much more healthy.
7:14 Speaker 03 Just wait until it got too dark to see the ball and then you'd have to go home.
7:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:18 Speaker 04 But where did you grow up? In Essex, in, um, a village called Rittle.
7:22 Speaker 03 And where did you grow up? I grew up in Essex as well.
7:25 Speaker 04 Okay.
7:26 Speaker 03 In Dag, in Dagnum. They call it East London now.
7:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've always, because that's funny, because my headphones have been nicked and they're currently in Dagnum.
7:33 Speaker 03 Right.
7:33 Speaker 02 Have they?
7:34 Speaker 03 You're not getting those back.
7:34 Speaker 02 How did they get nicked? They're nicked backstage.
7:36 Speaker 03 We can try and get them back for you.
7:37 Speaker 02 I want, they're in Dagnum, if you know anyone. I'm tracking right now. Cheeky bastard.
7:42 Speaker 04 James is a bit of a face in that.
7:43 Speaker 02 No, it is. Do you know anyone plugging any, any AirPods?
7:47 Speaker 05 With a lot of wax buildup in both of them.
7:50 Speaker 02 Oh, he cleaned my AirPods once. I left them at his and he got a lot of them.
7:53 Speaker 03 I had to buy a little gadget off Amazon to clean mine, clear the AirPods and the receptacle thing that they come in, because they grim.
8:03 Speaker 05 And did it do the job?
8:04 Speaker 03 They were really grim, because I don't clean my ears that much.
8:07 Speaker 05 Have you not had your ears syringed?
8:09 Speaker 03 No, I've got a bit of a phobia about it.
8:11 Speaker 05 Why?
8:11 Speaker 03 When I was a kid, you know, when you're a kid and your mum like shoves a cotton bud in your ear and it's awful, it's really sort of traumatic.
8:18 Speaker 04 You're not meant to, you're not meant to use them for cleaning your ears.
8:20 Speaker 03 I was told, don't put anything bigger than your elbow in your ear.
8:23 Speaker 04 I was told that, and it doesn't make any sense, does it?
8:26 Speaker 05 How can you fit your elbow in your ear?
8:27 Speaker 04 Exactly, exactly. The doctor used to say to my mum, you shouldn't put anything in your ear bigger than your elbow. And my mum thought it was this amazing witticism. This was like Wildian. It was like, oh, I'll tell you what Doctor Vincent says, it does make me laugh. Don't bring anything bigger. I was like, it doesn't make, it's not funny. It doesn't make sense.
8:43 Speaker 05 Well, talking of ears, before we got going, we were talking about Jordan being deaf in one ear. Now asking the story.
8:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, go on, what's, what's happened?
8:48 Speaker 05 Especially if you've got a phobia.
8:49 Speaker 02 William just finds it hilarious, but basically, I, I, I've been deaf in one ear since I was 14.
8:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:56 Speaker 02 My bike in the shed, my mum said, don't leave your bike out, or you'll get nicked. So I went and put my bike in the shed, my ear burst, popped, as I've been deaf ever since.
9:07 Speaker 03 Putting your bike in the shed?
9:09 Speaker 05 I'm making it in very badly.
9:10 Speaker 03 Trying to put something bigger than your elbow in there?
9:12 Speaker 02 What were you just? I was just putting it on, my ear burst and I went, my ears burst, my mum went, you'll be right, and then two weeks later, I was like, still can't hear out that ear.
9:19 Speaker 03 What? Hang on, because this is terrifying. Did you do some, was you, did you do something physically? Just walk it, just doing your bike, oh god.
9:27 Speaker 02 And it's like bursting, eardrum and it's damaged it. But someone did say, but then someone said that's, I've said this a few times with a medical professional, where it's apparently it's close to like an amarism or something, you know, when people just.
9:37 Speaker 05 Aneurysm.
9:38 Speaker 02 Yeah. So it's quite serious, but we laugh now. And then I got a, um, I got a.
9:43 Speaker 03 Well, everyone was laughing at the time. He couldn't hear that.
9:46 Speaker 02 I got a hearing aid and it, it came on the NHS and they put a Burnley badge in it to try and like make me wear it, but I went to a school in Preston, so.
9:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, no, yeah, you get shit kicked out, yeah, yeah.
9:55 Speaker 02 Exactly. And then it came in a, a pink and yellow lunchbox with, I promise you, Ellie the Elephant on the front, who had a hearing aid in. Imagine being in year 10.
10:05 Speaker 03 Ellie the Elephant or Nellie the Elephant?
10:06 Speaker 02 It was like, I'd call it Ellie the Elephant.
10:08 Speaker 05 Ellie the Elephant.
10:09 Speaker 02 You know, you put your bags down at school to play football and it's like, it was those drawstring bags that everyone had.
10:14 Speaker 05 Yeah.
10:14 Speaker 02 And they nicked it out of it and they wanted me to chase after it and I was just like, um, just, and I've never seen it since.
10:20 Speaker 05 It's in Dagenham.
10:21 Speaker 02 Honestly, it's probably in Dagenham.
10:22 Speaker 03 It's your AirPods, yeah.
10:23 Speaker 02 So they'd like, you know, on the like lads or the bullies took it out and they were like trying to throw it and they wanted me to catch it and they were just kicking it around the yard. That's for, I'm, I'm not even bothered, I never wore it and I've not seen it since.
10:33 Speaker 03 School's awful, isn't it?
10:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:35 Speaker 05 School is relentless.
10:36 Speaker 02 Unless you're William, who loved school, like.
10:38 Speaker 05 I did like school.
10:39 Speaker 03 Where did you go to school, William?
10:41 Speaker 05 I went to school in Bristol.
10:42 Speaker 03 Was it balding or something like that?
10:44 Speaker 05 We, we call them in the independent sector, but yes, I, I was, I was, went to an independent school.
10:49 Speaker 03 Right.
10:50 Speaker 02 You're fascinated by William a bit, aren't you?
10:52 Speaker 03 Well, because I'm just common as muck, I'm just really.
10:54 Speaker 05 No, don't be silly.
10:55 Speaker 03 I do think, I do appreciate manners and things like that.
10:58 Speaker 05 Good.
10:58 Speaker 03 Making people feel comfortable and, uh. But I am, I nearly wore a boating blazer today.
11:04 Speaker 05 Oh, did you?
11:04 Speaker 03 And, and some loafers. And I just thought.
11:07 Speaker 05 And what's dropped you?
11:07 Speaker 03 You're trying too hard, James. Relax. I'm sure, I'm sure he'll like you.
11:11 Speaker 05 Man is not about trying to make everyone sort of the same. We want you to be your authentic self.
11:16 Speaker 03 Absolutely, yeah.
11:16 Speaker 05 Yeah. And that, that's what we've got.
11:19 Speaker 02 Could just say as well, look, oh, this is like, Matt, look, that's the best album, my favourite ever album.
11:23 Speaker 05 The Arctic Monkeys album.
11:24 Speaker 02 We've got all these films here.
11:26 Speaker 05 Why have you got S Club so, I mean, I like S Club, don't get me wrong, but.
11:29 Speaker 04 We were going for a sort of, um, nineties, like, you know.
11:34 Speaker 03 We wanted this to look like a nineties bedroom.
11:36 Speaker 02 Hmm. It does.
11:38 Speaker 03 That was maybe on a sitcom or something. You know, when you, you, you, you won't know, but when you grew up watching television.
11:44 Speaker 05 Yes.
11:44 Speaker 02 My family.
11:45 Speaker 03 You'd watch something like Saved by the Bell or something like that, and you'd go, God, I'd wish I had his bedroom. He's so cool. He's got everything.
11:51 Speaker 05 I always used to think that about Hyacinth and Richard's bedroom and keep them appearances.
11:55 Speaker 03 Right.
11:55 Speaker 05 With the floral wallpaper. And that's influenced my life.
11:58 Speaker 04 And he's got, that's good too.
11:59 Speaker 02 Got that.
12:00 Speaker 05 I've basically got that so far.
12:01 Speaker 02 He actually has got that so far. Oh, yeah.
12:04 Speaker 04 Well, that's a nice bedroom as well.
12:05 Speaker 05 Yes.
12:06 Speaker 04 And, um, but yeah, that's what we've, that's what we've gone for. So I think, I think I'm still kind of, I think I'm still kind of in that. Era in my head and I'm just sort of.
12:16 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:16 Speaker 04 Every day surprised that it's not stayed exactly the same. And that's pretty much my perennial reaction.
12:22 Speaker 05 The nineties were a great era.
12:23 Speaker 04 They were a great era.
12:24 Speaker 03 It's a good time to be a kid. You've got.
12:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. Good entertainment, but not too much.
12:33 Speaker 05 Only four channels.
12:34 Speaker 04 Only four channels and.
12:35 Speaker 03 It was five towards the end, wasn't it?
12:37 Speaker 02 Never got it where I were though.
12:38 Speaker 03 Yeah, for, for some people.
12:40 Speaker 02 Got it with grandma's and she thought it was mucky. It used to show soft porn, do you remember?
12:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:45 Speaker 05 Eurotrash.
12:45 Speaker 02 No, no, they used to show like soft porn.
12:47 Speaker 03 No, that was Channel Four and Eurotrash.
12:48 Speaker 04 Eurotrash was.
12:50 Speaker 03 I once, um, I was staying at my nan's house and we were watching Channel Five and she fell asleep in the evening. And then it cut to like, and coming up next is the erotic drama for the evening. And she was asleep. And I was just looking at this television going, oh God, some boobs and stuff going on. I just ran out the room.
13:13 Speaker 03 I just left the room, I was like, I'm going to bed, bye.
13:15 Speaker 04 And you were how old, sixteen?
13:16 Speaker 03 I was, uh, no, I was about seventeen, eighteen.
13:21 Speaker 03 I was staying there for a, for a week. I was working in, she was, she was, lived in Croydon, I was working there for a week, so I stayed with my nan. And I was just having a lovely evening with her and then she nodded off while we were watching the television and, and then all the rules changed.
13:35 Speaker 04 Wow.
13:36 Speaker 03 And I was like, I've got to get out of it. I've got to leave this situation as quickly as possible.
13:41 Speaker 04 Well, you.
13:42 Speaker 03 She had the remote as well. She had the remote, which was the problem.
13:45 Speaker 04 Oh, was it like when the jailers asleep on the keys?
13:47 Speaker 03 It was a bit like, yeah, it was like, I've got to make my escape now.
13:50 Speaker 04 Lift up the arm. You know, to get, she just ran out. We were talking before you guys came about how James once leapt out the window of a moving train as well. So you're voting to the fight or flight?
14:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm just, yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:03 Speaker 04 Just go.
14:03 Speaker 03 If I can just, if I had an ejector seat. In social situations, I would just press that button sometimes.
14:09 Speaker 04 Yeah.
14:10 Speaker 03 I just go, I'm like, I can't cope with this.
14:11 Speaker 04 I'm actually, I'm actually quite impressed by, so it was when they had those windows in the trains that you pulled down like that.
14:16 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
14:17 Speaker 04 And he'd missed the station or something, you were going the wrong way.
14:20 Speaker 03 It was a, it was a fast train.
14:22 Speaker 05 The train was still adjacent to the platform, presumably.
14:25 Speaker 03 It was going past the platform that I needed to get off at. And, um, I'd, I'd accidentally got on a fast train that was skipping certain stations. And I was like, I'm not going all the way, not finishing up there to come all the way back again. So I just chucked my bag out and, and rolled out the train.
14:42 Speaker 02 And onto the platform?
14:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, it must have been going about.
14:44 Speaker 02 How fast was the train going?
14:45 Speaker 03 It must have been going about forty miles an hour.
14:47 Speaker 05 We don't encourage that at home.
14:49 Speaker 03 Absolutely nuts now. Like, I really did, um, like graze all my back and stuff.
14:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:55 Speaker 03 Cause I rolled out.
14:55 Speaker 04 Do you feel a bit shortchanged, Jordan? Because he did that and didn't hurt himself at all. He just wanted to put your bike back.
15:01 Speaker 02 Def in one.
15:03 Speaker 04 I quite like your story because.
15:04 Speaker 03 Also, what's the lesson there as well?
15:05 Speaker 04 In your story, I feel like you've sort of vaguely blamed your mum a bit. If she had a moment, put my bike in there. But it wasn't that that caused it, was it? Like, unless it was.
15:16 Speaker 03 Cause I'd be like, well, lesson learned. I'm not fucking putting my bike back or anything.
15:19 Speaker 04 You have like a really loud bell and your jock went ding.
15:22 Speaker 02 I honestly don't know. I just, I just remember it popping, like being on an airplane and thinking, that's weird, because the altitude can't change in a shit.
15:31 Speaker 05 I, I think they should make a film of it and we could call it Death Became Her.
15:40 Speaker 02 That's very good, actually.
15:42 Speaker 05 Yeah. It's on many levels. Yeah.
15:45 Speaker 03 What are we doing?
15:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, what are we doing?
15:47 Speaker 05 Let us know when we start recording.
15:49 Speaker 02 We've got a factoid as well.
15:50 Speaker 03 We should maybe say, welcome, what, what show is this? This is your show. This is our show. Yeah. Right, because this is bizarre, this situation.
15:57 Speaker 02 Because I've started listening, so you know Chris Stark I do the radio with?
16:01 Speaker 03 No.
16:04 Speaker 02 He said to me, say hello, apparently you worked together on some games console thing. He was like, he was like, oh, it's really good, their podcast, of what he went, and as well, he went, of all the podcasts out at the moment, I don't give a crap about any, but there's just really, I went, yeah.
16:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, Chrissy Boy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, the big, the big C.
16:24 Speaker 04 Do you remember when you developed that console with him and you were just going on and on about it?
16:27 Speaker 03 I feel like I'd remember something like that.
16:29 Speaker 02 You did some, it might have been Sony and you met, it would have been on Radio One.
16:34 Speaker 04 You developed Playstation Six, I think.
16:36 Speaker 03 That's right, yeah.
16:37 Speaker 02 He would have been on Radio One.
16:38 Speaker 03 What's his name?
16:39 Speaker 02 Chris Stark. Crouchy does the Crouchy podcast.
16:43 Speaker 03 Right.
16:44 Speaker 02 Eh, did that really like viral interview with Mylakounis years ago that changed how junkets are done now. He was on Radio One for years. He's like, he's pretty, you know, it's, he's.
16:55 Speaker 03 How long did I spend with this guy?
16:57 Speaker 02 Probably a full day filming.
16:58 Speaker 03 Right.
16:59 Speaker 02 But he said, he, he, yeah, anyway, he.
17:01 Speaker 03 I don't remember him, but he sounds like a great guy.
17:03 Speaker 02 Oh, he's, he's, he's a good guy.
17:05 Speaker 05 Yeah.
17:05 Speaker 02 He is.
17:06 Speaker 05 And what was he saying?
17:07 Speaker 02 Just said that.
17:08 Speaker 05 Say hello.
17:09 Speaker 02 Say hello, and I really like the podcast, and that's, that's why it's a bit mad that this worked, because obviously.
17:13 Speaker 05 He's unsubscribed now.
17:15 Speaker 03 No, we're just, tell him I said who.
17:17 Speaker 02 Okay.
17:21 Speaker 02 And audio always make hell by sex on my boss. And your podcast as well.
17:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:26 Speaker 02 Yeah. So, and that's, and I've been saying, can we do a collab? Because we often do collabs with other podcasts.
17:31 Speaker 03 Right.
17:31 Speaker 02 Is this your first one?
17:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:33 Speaker 02 We can tell.
17:35 Speaker 03 Well, this is it, right? We don't, we don't do guests, do we?
17:39 Speaker 02 No, we don't, but just every now and then, we don't do guests, but every now and then we'll collab with people that we've other podcasts, and it's good, so maybe now some of our listeners might start listening to you, and that's how awesome your listeners might be.
17:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, we should benefit more than you guys. So, like, we know why we're here.
17:59 Speaker 02 So crack on as well.
18:01 Speaker 03 It's a bit lopsided, I'll be honest with you, the benefits, but we appreciate it.
18:05 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you.
18:06 Speaker 04 And also, I mean, the reason we appear confused is that we are still not really on favour, oh favour with our format, are we?
18:13 Speaker 03 No, yeah, we don't know what this podcast is.
18:15 Speaker 04 Our podcast is supposed to be about facts.
18:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, sometimes we do, yeah.
18:18 Speaker 04 We sometimes do them, sometimes James forgets and.
18:21 Speaker 03 Because you know you're not allowed to just go, oh, because my, I said to you, oh, we should do a podcast together.
18:28 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:28 Speaker 03 I'm sure someone will make it, it'll be fine, like, it's a no brainer.
18:31 Speaker 04 You have to have a format.
18:32 Speaker 03 And I was like.
18:33 Speaker 05 No brainer is how they described this.
18:36 Speaker 03 There's still, there's no brain involved at all with the making this podcast.
18:40 Speaker 04 The brain gets in the way, really, I think of.
18:42 Speaker 03 But you have to have a format, don't you? You're not allowed to, we touched hands, sorry.
18:47 Speaker 04 We sometimes touch feet.
18:48 Speaker 03 You can't just say, oh, me and Joe just make each other laugh for an hour. There's got to be like a sort of like, well, there needs to be some sort of idea. And I went, well, all right, we'll, we'll tell each other.
18:59 Speaker 05 Don't worry too much about the format.
19:00 Speaker 03 Well, no, we haven't. We haven't, we haven't spent any time on the format.
19:05 Speaker 02 We've done prep, we've got facts, we've.
19:07 Speaker 04 Have you?
19:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, we've done our favourite comedy.
19:12 Speaker 03 Too hard. Well, that's the difference really between a successful podcast and our one, I suppose.
19:17 Speaker 04 I have started reading the.
19:18 Speaker 03 How much thought do you put into this podcast during the week, just out of interest?
19:22 Speaker 04 Well, I li-.
19:22 Speaker 03 Nah, you're lying.
19:23 Speaker 04 No, I, I listen, I do listen back to.
19:26 Speaker 02 Ah, do you listen back?
19:26 Speaker 04 I listen, I listen back.
19:28 Speaker 02 That'll stop.
19:29 Speaker 03 I've told you not to listen to it.
19:31 Speaker 05 He skips through your bits.
19:34 Speaker 03 Because you start panicking.
19:35 Speaker 04 I listen back and I go, oh, did I make it sound like some T-shirts are better than other T-shirts?
19:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:42 Speaker 04 And I go to Hannah and she goes.
19:44 Speaker 03 People that like those T-shirts, and they're going to come after me.
19:46 Speaker 04 And I, and I go to Hannah and she's like.
19:48 Speaker 03 Stop listening to it.
19:48 Speaker 04 Just, you're mental and stop talking to me. And.
19:53 Speaker 02 Stop talking to me, it's good.
19:54 Speaker 04 Well, if you don't start talking to me, I think it's like, start talking to me if it's this sort of shit.
19:58 Speaker 05 The time, the time to worry is when you have entire chats with your production team in WhatsApp groups as to whether you think you're going to be sued by Daddy Pig, which potentially happened this week.
20:07 Speaker 02 I was genuinely.
20:08 Speaker 05 That's when you should start to worry.
20:09 Speaker 02 My, my issue is, if it's usually fine on a podcast when they clip it up and put it on social media.
20:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
20:14 Speaker 02 Cause people don't get the context, it's like a thirty second clip of it. So I'm like, I would say, don't clip that up or, and it's fine to keep in the episode.
20:21 Speaker 04 Yeah.
20:21 Speaker 02 So they, they clipped up a bit this week of me saying Daddy Pig is known for being a bit misogynistic. And I, genuine chat in our group was,
20:28 Speaker 04 It's your opinion.
20:29 Speaker 02 Will we get sued by the makers of this?
20:30 Speaker 04 We won't.
20:31 Speaker 03 Wow.
20:32 Speaker 02 Will I get sued?
20:33 Speaker 03 Um, got any facts?
20:35 Speaker 02 My facts that I like to tell people, but forgive me if you've known it, but it always blows people's minds. Do you know why soap operas are called soap operas?
20:42 Speaker 03 I do actually, yeah.
20:43 Speaker 04 I don't know why. I don't know.
20:45 Speaker 05 And there might be listeners listening that, there might be listeners listening that don't know.
20:50 Speaker 02 A degree in media studies, yes, yeah.
20:52 Speaker 04 Can I take a guess?
20:53 Speaker 02 Go on.
20:53 Speaker 04 But this is probably wrong. Is it an acronym?
20:55 Speaker 02 No.
20:55 Speaker 04 No, okay, that's all I had.
20:56 Speaker 02 It's because when they started in, um, the fifties in American television.
21:01 Speaker 04 Yeah.
21:01 Speaker 02 Uh, they're running the daytime. A lot of Housewives watched them and they were predominantly sponsored by soap powders.
21:07 Speaker 04 Oh.
21:08 Speaker 02 So they were nicknamed in a tabloid as soap operas.
21:11 Speaker 04 Soap operas.
21:12 Speaker 02 So that's why I tell people that. And it's usually northern women of a certain age that find that fascinating.
21:17 Speaker 03 Isn't there another thing about, what is it called? Is it Kitchen Sync Drama or something like that?
21:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, it's very in the eighties, like Rita Sue and Bob Two and that.
21:25 Speaker 03 Is that the same sort of thing?
21:27 Speaker 04 I think Kitchen Sync Drama was meant to be like, drama was seen as very sort of highfalutin and all about dinner parties and stuff. And so then you had like a new wave of writers.
21:37 Speaker 05 Pinter.
21:38 Speaker 04 Yeah. And it was more like, actually life's about, you know, being in a crummy boarding house and like, there not been any milk and like, there's a draft and that sort of thing. And like, that, I think that's Kitchen Sync. I feel like Kitchen Sync is a bit, um. Is it sort of mildly derogatory if you say something's a bit kitchen sink, you're like, oh, it's just a bit like, you're just kind of putting in stuff to make it seem hard edged and.
22:03 Speaker 02 Another one, don't quote me on this because I have time to Google it.
22:06 Speaker 03 That's fine.
22:07 Speaker 02 But you know why we go on a chat show or a radio show to plug something?
22:11 Speaker 03 Yeah. Plug the, the, the phrase to plug something. Yeah, no, I don't know that.
22:15 Speaker 02 Because you know, the old, um, again, I might have to check this, but you know, the old.
22:22 Speaker 03 We never check anything.
22:23 Speaker 02 Pirate radio stations, they were on ships and one, the owner of that was called, it was called Captain Plug or something.
22:30 Speaker 03 Right.
22:30 Speaker 02 And that was his surname and that's when, because it was all BBC then, so you could go on to promote stuff. So you could plug it apparently.
22:36 Speaker 04 Oh, I see.
22:37 Speaker 02 And I think he got money from it on some way.
22:39 Speaker 04 Whereas on the BBC you couldn't.
22:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:41 Speaker 04 Because you can't advertise on the BBC.
22:42 Speaker 02 Yeah. So I think it was called plugging.
22:44 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:44 Speaker 02 That's where I think it comes from.
22:47 Speaker 03 I'd like to do a bit of plugging.
22:49 Speaker 02 William.
22:49 Speaker 05 My, my fact is that a tablecloth for a buffet must touch the floor, whereas for a dinner, it needs to be off the floor.
22:57 Speaker 03 Right.
22:57 Speaker 04 Did you know that?
22:58 Speaker 03 I didn't know that. All I know is that my tablecloths have to not come off the table at all whatsoever.
23:05 Speaker 05 Right.
23:06 Speaker 03 Because my dog will grab it.
23:07 Speaker 05 Oh, then I suggest you don't do buffets.
23:10 Speaker 04 No. And if you do do buffets, don't put like, you know, doggy treats and so.
23:16 Speaker 02 Why does it have to touch the floor for a buffet?
23:18 Speaker 05 So you don't see any of the table legs because you wouldn't have chairs or anything because a buffet you wouldn't have.
23:22 Speaker 04 Ah, of course. Okay.
23:26 Speaker 05 Would be, I suspect, just the logic.
23:28 Speaker 04 But I mean.
23:29 Speaker 02 Impressed with that, boys?
23:30 Speaker 04 I, I, no, I am, I'm, I'm.
23:32 Speaker 05 How many, how many tablecloth facts do you normally do on this podcast?
23:35 Speaker 04 Um, we, we, we, yeah.
23:37 Speaker 03 That's our first tablecloth fact, but I would like to expand on it a little bit. I've still got questions.
23:41 Speaker 04 I could, I could see us, we, I, we, I could.
23:43 Speaker 03 So I like the, I like the history of these, um, you know, these sort of things that you do.
23:49 Speaker 05 Yes.
23:49 Speaker 03 Maybe they don't make sense now.
23:51 Speaker 02 Come to the right man.
23:52 Speaker 03 So what, what was the, what, what is it about the, the legs of a?
23:56 Speaker 05 Well, the Victorian, it's probably a rule that was, was created in the Victorian era because the Victorians were quite sort of prudish. They used to cut, they used to put skirts around piano, grand pianos because they thought that, um, piano legs were a bit erotic.
24:08 Speaker 03 A bit too sexy.
24:08 Speaker 05 Yeah. So they, they would cover them up. Yeah.
24:12 Speaker 03 I'm always Googling piano legs.
24:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
24:16 Speaker 03 Must sneak off to the toilet.
24:17 Speaker 04 Oh, embarrassing when the history comes up, isn't it? No, no. Just die a Steinway.
24:24 Speaker 03 I was gonna say Yamaha.
24:25 Speaker 04 Yamaha.
24:26 Speaker 05 Do you have an upright at home?
24:28 Speaker 03 Uh, I used to, uh, I did used to have an upright. Yeah, I used to, um, I had an old church piano.
24:33 Speaker 04 Oh.
24:34 Speaker 03 It was, uh, it was.
24:35 Speaker 04 It's quite posh.
24:36 Speaker 03 It cost, uh, cause I like music and stuff like that and instruments and things. And I was obsessed with playing guitar and all sorts of instruments. And I asked my parents for a piano and I didn't want a keyboard. I wanted a, an actual stringed piano. So I could use the pedals and stuff like that.
24:52 Speaker 05 Yeah.
24:52 Speaker 03 Um, and they managed to find one that a church was selling for 200 quid.
24:57 Speaker 04 Fair play.
24:58 Speaker 03 But I had to go and get it with Ferg, my mate Ferg.
25:01 Speaker 04 Ferg was, yeah.
25:02 Speaker 03 And, um, we, we turned up in a Hilux, Toyota Hilux pickup truck.
25:09 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
25:10 Speaker 03 And the bloke went to us, oh, have you got a piano truck? And he went, uh, yeah, trucks outside. And he, and he meant like a sort of something that you put the piano on wheels so you could wheel it to the.
25:21 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
25:22 Speaker 03 But we didn't have that. We had to like move it ourselves. It was pain in the ass. Good present. I was like, thanks for that.
25:30 Speaker 04 My mom once got me, um, a sweatshirt.
25:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:33 Speaker 04 And it still had the tag, you know, that, that big, the, the rigid plastic, yeah, flying circles of shape. And she was like, I did pay for it, but they just didn't take this off. And I was like, well.
25:43 Speaker 05 That's gonna be very uncomfortable.
25:44 Speaker 04 I don't, well, I don't know what to do. I, I, I had to like cut it out.
25:48 Speaker 03 They burst, don't they?
25:49 Speaker 05 Yeah, I always got.
25:50 Speaker 04 Well, no, not.
25:51 Speaker 03 Don't you get like ink coming out?
25:52 Speaker 04 Well, they don't burst if you cut a sufficiently large piece of fabric away with it.
25:56 Speaker 03 Right.
25:56 Speaker 04 Which is what I did. So now I was like, I've just got a sweatshirt with a massive hole in the back of the collar.
26:02 Speaker 03 Thanks, man.
26:03 Speaker 04 Thanks.
26:03 Speaker 03 I'm usually way more structured than you. I'm usually trying to keep Joe, but I'm just.
26:07 Speaker 04 Well.
26:08 Speaker 03 It, it honestly feels like, like the last day of school for me at the moment.
26:12 Speaker 05 Got a video on.
26:12 Speaker 03 I've just got a bit too excited.
26:14 Speaker 05 This could be the last ever episode of your podcast because Jordan's been on it. And we have a recurring joke that anything Jordan does, it normally ends.
26:22 Speaker 04 I, I've hosted TV shows and it's you, they.
26:24 Speaker 05 They don't normally go past series one.
26:26 Speaker 04 Never go past.
26:26 Speaker 05 Or the pilot.
26:27 Speaker 04 I was on Saturday Night Takeaway, the year I was on, they stopped doing it. Roll out the deck.
26:31 Speaker 03 I've got, I had a, before the in betweeners, I had a bit of a track record of that.
26:34 Speaker 04 Yeah.
26:35 Speaker 03 I was constantly doing pilots and never got made.
26:37 Speaker 04 Yeah.
26:38 Speaker 03 Um, I was in, I was in the last series of a TV show called Teachers on Channel Four.
26:43 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
26:44 Speaker 03 Which was genuinely a really, really successful TV show. Uh, and yeah, I, I, I, I went on it one series and they were like, right, that's the end of that then.
26:53 Speaker 04 I think I might have ruined the British Comedy Awards.
26:56 Speaker 03 When?
26:56 Speaker 04 Cause I had to present an award once and they were like, just before, this award is sponsored um by a charity for people who've got cystic fibrosis.
27:06 Speaker 03 Right.
27:07 Speaker 04 And I went out.
27:08 Speaker 03 You did a load of.
27:09 Speaker 04 No, no, also what I was meant to go out and say, look, this is a really great uh charity, like there's loads of research into cystic fibrosis and um so that's a great thing and that would have been fine.
27:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:22 Speaker 04 And instead I went out and I just forgot to say anything about cystic fibrosis.
27:26 Speaker 03 Oh.
27:26 Speaker 04 And the bloke went, here are the nominees for best stand up. And they read out the nominees and he went, and the winner is, and I went, oh, fuck, I just very quickly, sorry. Cystic fibrosis is a really um uh life changing condition, but there is a lot of hope. We can do like genetic research into it and um and the guy and, and they were just. And then after that, they said, and the winner is.
27:51 Speaker 03 Right.
27:52 Speaker 04 And he came up and he was re, he was genuinely angry with me, he wouldn't shake my hand and.
27:57 Speaker 03 Who was it?
27:58 Speaker 04 It, I can't remember, but I remember his, his um shtick upon coming up was very much fucking hell.
28:04 Speaker 03 Ah.
28:04 Speaker 04 And then after that, they didn't do the British Comedy Awards anymore, showed us your colours.
28:07 Speaker 03 I stopped going to uh awards things.
28:09 Speaker 04 I've stopped going as well, do you know why?
28:11 Speaker 02 You're not invited.
28:12 Speaker 03 No, but I mean, even when we were like, even when um.
28:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:15 Speaker 03 Like the Empire Awards.
28:16 Speaker 04 I've stopped going to LA as well, do you know that? I've just stopped going.
28:19 Speaker 03 Back in the days where we were actually getting awards, um I stopped going, I couldn't do it anymore. I think I went to one NTAs once years ago. I was just like, this is a weird situation.
28:30 Speaker 04 They're boring.
28:30 Speaker 02 You've been to the podcast award yet?
28:33 Speaker 03 No, we've not, no, we're not going anywhere near those.
28:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, you've, you've got to come.
28:37 Speaker 04 No, not yet.
28:38 Speaker 02 There's, there's about forty awards.
28:40 Speaker 03 We might present.
28:41 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:42 Speaker 02 You'll get asked, trust me, you'll be asked.
28:43 Speaker 03 We might present, but we're not gonna uh.
28:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:46 Speaker 03 We're not gonna be going up.
28:47 Speaker 04 And also, and also, can I say, I, I, I also won't be asked to present. Because, because I fuck that up as well.
28:54 Speaker 03 They'd be lucky. They'd be lucky to have us present.
28:56 Speaker 04 They'd be lucky to have me and I'm so sorry.
28:58 Speaker 03 Four hours.
28:59 Speaker 04 I'm so sorry for trying to help people who live with cystic fibrosis. Sorry.
29:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
29:04 Speaker 04 Gagged.
29:07 Speaker 04 Gagged.
29:07 Speaker 02 What year was that?
29:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's what I wanna know as well.
29:10 Speaker 04 Twenty fifteen or something. It was, but it was, um, but I, I think I was responsible for like, that was the death knell for it. Like, I was already getting a bit shit and then they were like, well, not after this. This is, this is embarrassing and.
29:27 Speaker 04 So I, yeah, I, I think I can actually posit causality there. It wasn't just a coincidence. It was like, not now.
29:34 Speaker 05 I don't know if we should invite you onto Sexton now.
29:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, no, because I've.
29:39 Speaker 03 It's a genuine, yeah, no, no, it's a.
29:41 Speaker 05 It's a concern.
29:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, I would.
29:43 Speaker 05 You and Jordan.
29:44 Speaker 04 Okay.
29:45 Speaker 05 Stand alone.
29:45 Speaker 04 My god, yeah.
29:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:47 Speaker 04 Yeah, it could be calamity twin.
29:49 Speaker 02 I've been going nine years.
29:50 Speaker 03 You do live stuff a lot, right? You're on the radio. That's live and everything.
29:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, everything more, yeah.
29:55 Speaker 03 It's terrifying.
29:55 Speaker 05 There's a slight delay, but.
29:57 Speaker 02 No, there isn't.
29:57 Speaker 03 Do you have a dump button?
29:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, just for callers, just in case.
30:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:01 Speaker 05 Hmm.
30:01 Speaker 02 But just because you never ever know what they're gonna say.
30:04 Speaker 05 Now, would you like to come to our studio, which is literally just opposite?
30:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:09 Speaker 05 And come on to help us sext with my boss?
30:11 Speaker 03 Really? Oh, yeah.
30:12 Speaker 05 We would be honoured.
30:12 Speaker 02 For the second part, we, we get a lot of like dilemmas and filthy emails and stuff. So we think you'd be good at that.
30:19 Speaker 04 Yeah. Do you, if you still want us to come on, then we'd be honoured. I don't know whether I've necessarily.
30:25 Speaker 02 Just to let you know, our most famous dilemma is a, a girl was house-sitting for her parents. She got drunk one night, found a dildo under the bed, started using it. It was giving her the best pleasure of her life all week. And then she found out it was cloned to her dad's penis.
30:42 Speaker 05 It was what is called a clone of Willie, which is a thing.
30:44 Speaker 02 And she found out the best.
30:46 Speaker 05 Orgasm was.
30:47 Speaker 02 Was from her. So there you go. That's the sort of thing we get.
30:50 Speaker 03 Maybe sneeze it was. So salacious.
30:54 Speaker 04 Why is she so?
30:56 Speaker 02 So that's.
30:56 Speaker 05 I mean, why is she using him as extra?
30:57 Speaker 04 Yeah, in a way, I'd.
30:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, there's loads of questions there.
31:00 Speaker 05 It's Freudian.
31:00 Speaker 04 My goodness.
31:01 Speaker 05 Well, I, I, I cannot.
31:04 Speaker 04 Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
31:05 Speaker 05 I'm sorry. I was saying, well, after the break, we can have more, more of that.
31:07 Speaker 03 There we go. Structure.
31:13 Speaker 06 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, "You're nicked. You're in a lot of trouble." But was he set up? Wanted, I'd fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
31:37 Speaker 07 You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?
31:39 Speaker 06 I'm Jacey Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
31:49 Speaker 02 Welcome back. Now it's time for Joe and James from Fact Up to experience Help, I Sex and My Boss with questions and dilemmas from our G and D'Vas. And we've moved studio, haven't we?
31:59 Speaker 05 We have, yes. You won't get that if you're listening, but if you're watching on any of the visual platforms, you will see that we've gone from blue to red, much like the country.
32:08 Speaker 02 We would like to give you our signature drink. We always start ours with, I know you've got a bottle of Stella with you, James.
32:13 Speaker 05 This will pair beautifully.
32:14 Speaker 02 Have you ever, do you drink, Joe?
32:16 Speaker 05 Well, I can have it. Yeah, I have one.
32:18 Speaker 02 Okay, all right, okay. It's called...
32:20 Speaker 05 It's not very alcoholic, so.
32:21 Speaker 02 What is Dubonnet? It's gin and Dubonnet. It's often known as the Queen Mum, it's the Queen's mother's favourite drink.
32:28 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
32:30 Speaker 02 But Dubonnet is like, it's a...
32:31 Speaker 05 Fortified wine, isn't it? Yes, it's like, just because you fingered that ice cube, dropped it back in, realised you should have used tongue, you've already touched it.
32:38 Speaker 02 Well, that's all right. I'll have that one, then.
32:40 Speaker 05 Yeah, it's touched both. Indeed, yeah. Dubai is like a port, it's a fortified red wine, but it's lighter than port, it's not as heavy. It's a secret recipe, we don't know it.
32:50 Speaker 02 Look at Joe's face.
32:52 Speaker 05 And it's, it is a, it's a, it's a hearty drink.
32:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I mean...
32:56 Speaker 04 It gets you pissed.
32:57 Speaker 03 Is it sweet? Is it a sweet?
32:58 Speaker 05 It can be, yeah.
32:59 Speaker 03 Like a sort of sherry sort of?
33:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a sherry-ish vibe, but it gets you like a giddy girly drunk. Do you get what I mean?
33:05 Speaker 03 That's fine. That's good, because we've got an episode of our podcast to shoot straight off of this, so.
33:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, that'll be fine.
33:11 Speaker 03 This is gonna be great.
33:12 Speaker 05 If you, normally you have it with slice of lemon or orange.
33:16 Speaker 02 Yes.
33:16 Speaker 05 That's not been provided today.
33:17 Speaker 02 That's how you, it doesn't matter, it's fine.
33:19 Speaker 05 But I'll get you to imagine it.
33:20 Speaker 02 I'm free pouring as well.
33:21 Speaker 05 It's normally two parts Dubonnet, one part gin.
33:23 Speaker 02 Oh, I do two and two.
33:25 Speaker 05 Which is, yeah.
33:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, I have a feeling the Queen Mum, you know.
33:29 Speaker 05 She lived to 101, so.
33:31 Speaker 04 She was doing a two and two, wasn't she?
33:32 Speaker 05 Yes.
33:33 Speaker 02 That should do. I have a super nacho. Oh, you see, thanks so much for doing this, because like I said, I was... Big fan of the in-betweeners.
33:42 Speaker 04 Yeah, bloody, oh yeah, alright, yeah, no, that's, that's, that's nice.
33:44 Speaker 03 Is that the stuff?
33:45 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's like, um.
33:46 Speaker 02 It's good, it's a good garden drink.
33:51 Speaker 03 That's lovely.
33:51 Speaker 05 There we go, oh, I'm so glad you like it.
33:54 Speaker 02 Cheers, boys.
33:55 Speaker 03 Cheers.
33:56 Speaker 05 Yes.
33:56 Speaker 02 Oh, don't, don't clink, it's common.
34:00 Speaker 04 Is that right?
34:01 Speaker 05 You might get away with that.
34:03 Speaker 03 Make sure that we're all trustworthy and that we're not.
34:05 Speaker 05 Well, it was, yes, well done, yes, but we are.
34:08 Speaker 02 Cheers, cheers, cheers.
34:10 Speaker 03 Cheers.
34:10 Speaker 02 That's so nice that actually cheers, he won't, he won't.
34:13 Speaker 04 We're just, yeah.
34:15 Speaker 05 Will you do it for me? No, it's in my contract.
34:17 Speaker 03 Oh.
34:18 Speaker 05 They have to pay me extra if I clink.
34:20 Speaker 03 That's really nice.
34:21 Speaker 02 We appreciate this and welcome to our new studio that all our listeners hate, so.
34:25 Speaker 04 Why do they hate it?
34:27 Speaker 02 Because nobody likes change and we decided we needed a new, a new.
34:31 Speaker 04 Well, you have to get them used to change.
34:33 Speaker 02 I know.
34:33 Speaker 04 You know, the world's going to change.
34:35 Speaker 03 People get used to it, yeah.
34:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, these are all our favourite things here, that's my dead dog Frank.
34:40 Speaker 04 Yeah.
34:40 Speaker 02 That's Burnley there.
34:42 Speaker 04 Yeah. Yeah.
34:43 Speaker 02 I feel like, you know, when your mate comes to you, you, you want to be mates with someone at school and you back them around to your house and you show them your bedroom for the first time.
34:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:51 Speaker 04 Yeah.
34:51 Speaker 02 It's my fish tank.
34:52 Speaker 03 I used to make a joke, like, when I was like, sort of nineteen, twenty or something like that, like, way too old. I, I used to go, like, if I'd go around my mates, I'd go, right, where's your toys? Where's all your stuff? Where's all your stuff?
35:04 Speaker 04 That's sweet.
35:05 Speaker 03 Just your little joke.
35:06 Speaker 04 That's what I feel, it's so.
35:07 Speaker 02 I'm showing them around.
35:08 Speaker 05 I would have friends around to my bedroom and show them something I like as well.
35:11 Speaker 03 Hmm.
35:13 Speaker 02 Bet you did in your struggle.
35:14 Speaker 03 Also, it wasn't one of, one of the toys that you were telling me about earlier? About that girl that fell in love with a.
35:20 Speaker 02 We've got one of them, clone a little.
35:22 Speaker 05 Clearly.
35:23 Speaker 02 There should be one.
35:23 Speaker 04 Actually, I did.
35:24 Speaker 02 Where is it?
35:25 Speaker 04 It's outside, I saw it on the way in, yeah.
35:26 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, it's on the way in, so you can take that home if you want, because we actually got loads sent in. Do you want to clone your penis?
35:31 Speaker 03 Penis? Uh, yeah.
35:33 Speaker 02 Apparently, it's, we've had a few listeners use, because they, basically, they sent them in after that.
35:39 Speaker 03 Right.
35:39 Speaker 02 Went viral. Apparently, a lot of listeners have said it's quite hard to stay erect for the, for that long, because you've got to keep it in till the end.
35:46 Speaker 03 We could probably just use one kit between us as well.
35:48 Speaker 04 Yeah, we, yeah, we'd be, yeah, I'll do the bottom half and you can do, you do the end.
35:54 Speaker 02 So, yeah. But we, the reason why we're doing this.
35:57 Speaker 04 Because that does confuse me, because it is, sorry, children, I, I, I'm. That guy must have a great penis. That's all I'm thinking. I mean, what have I?
36:05 Speaker 02 A dad.
36:06 Speaker 04 I don't, I don't.
36:06 Speaker 05 I'm trying to get the address.
36:09 Speaker 04 I don't know whether Hannah has one of these, but I very much doubt it would be a clone of my penis. Because I have a, like, level up, for God's sake. I mean, do you know what I mean?
36:17 Speaker 03 Who's using all of that?
36:19 Speaker 04 That's mental.
36:19 Speaker 05 That's a glow-in-the-dark one as well.
36:21 Speaker 03 That's ridiculous.
36:22 Speaker 02 That's a glow-in-the-dark one.
36:22 Speaker 04 This is ridiculous. This stuff is just put out to make men feel bad. Like, look at the fucking ludicrous.
36:27 Speaker 03 I feel terrible now. Sorry, Claire. That's my wife. I won't need all of that.
36:34 Speaker 04 That's mental.
36:34 Speaker 05 No.
36:35 Speaker 04 Honestly.
36:35 Speaker 02 We could make two.
36:37 Speaker 03 Absolutely.
36:37 Speaker 05 They also do, as we discovered, they do clone a pussy.
36:41 Speaker 03 Right. That seems invasive.
36:44 Speaker 05 Well, it's a different technique, I'm told.
36:46 Speaker 02 How did they do that?
36:47 Speaker 05 I don't, well, I don't know. I'm not gonna find out.
36:49 Speaker 03 I don't know.
36:50 Speaker 05 Not much need.
36:52 Speaker 02 Um, hey, we'll leave that one, B B.
36:55 Speaker 05 Yeah, we'll leave it with you. When we see, when we see you in a few weeks in the studio and when we cross corridors, let us know how you got on.
37:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, we'll do it.
37:01 Speaker 05 Shall we go on to the dilemmas? We, by the way, have no idea what is coming up. So whilst you might think that we prepare our podcast, we don't prepare this bit.
37:08 Speaker 04 No.
37:09 Speaker 02 So we read them for the first time.
37:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:11 Speaker 02 And then react to them.
37:11 Speaker 04 Well, I, I think, I agree with that. I think you want the spontaneous reaction.
37:14 Speaker 05 Exactly. Um, our first dilemma is from Chloe.
37:17 Speaker 04 Okay.
37:17 Speaker 05 Hi, boys. I work in a secondary school and one morning I'm walking into work, coffee in hand, when I pass a group of year ten lads huddle together looking deeply suspicious. You know the look, the kind that screams, we are absolutely making terrible choices right now. But it was before work hours and quite frankly, I wasn't being paid enough at ATO to investigate. Fast forward later that day when the gossip mill starts turning, turns out one of these lads had let his mate shave his head in school. Not ideal. But wait, it gets worse. One artistic genius amongst them had shaved a full-on penis and balls into the back of his head.
37:47 Speaker 05 As the details unfolded, because secondary school drama always arrives in episodes, I discovered this wasn't even a prank gone wrong. No, he had apparently made forty pounds from the ordeal because each of his mates had chipped in a fiver to convince him to do it.
37:58 Speaker 02 Makes you proud to be British.
38:00 Speaker 04 Forty pounds? This is, this is out of this entrepreneurial spirit that, um.
38:04 Speaker 03 I don't know what he says about me, but I'm like, I'll do that now.
38:07 Speaker 05 This is how Lord Sugar started.
38:08 Speaker 02 This is, this won't happen in any other country apart from Britain. I love it.
38:12 Speaker 04 Yeah, I mean, I, what, what's the dilemma?
38:15 Speaker 05 Well, Chloe continues. I found this significantly funnier than other members of staff seemed to. While colleagues were reacting with genuine concern, I was trying to maintain the professional composure required when faced with a child who had turned himself into a literal dickhead. So what is the etiquette here? How much sympathy are you expected to show when someone has willingly agreed to have a penis shaved into the back of their own head for less than the price of a family takeaway? Chloe.
38:38 Speaker 04 Ah, wow.
38:39 Speaker 02 Discuss.
38:40 Speaker 03 Well, I'm biased. I always fall on the side of comedy.
38:44 Speaker 04 Yeah.
38:44 Speaker 03 I always think if something's funny, then it's worth doing. It was very much our ethos when we were doing the in-between.
38:52 Speaker 04 I was thinking, I'm pretty sure money changed hands on the in-betweeners for weird stuff to happen.
38:58 Speaker 03 I'm not talking about what we got to.
39:01 Speaker 04 We're not allowed to talk.
39:02 Speaker 03 No, we're not.
39:04 Speaker 04 There was some.
39:05 Speaker 03 No, I think.
39:06 Speaker 04 It was good times and I don't know, we're not allowed to talk about it.
39:08 Speaker 03 I think one is, I think one is funny.
39:10 Speaker 04 It was a genuine laugh and everyone, everyone wanted to do it and it's fine.
39:12 Speaker 03 I think it's great that it's year tens. That's a great age, fourteen, fifteen.
39:17 Speaker 04 It's a great year, isn't it?
39:18 Speaker 03 One of the boys thought I could make forty quid here. Cause he's had to go back to his parents as well and stuff like that. I think it's genius. I think it's really funny.
39:27 Speaker 05 I mean, if you've got a penis shaved into your head, at least with further pruning, you can get rid of it quite quickly.
39:34 Speaker 03 I'd commit to it. I'll be honest.
39:36 Speaker 04 There should have been a contract saying, and also you're not to shave this off.
39:40 Speaker 03 You've got to keep it awake.
39:41 Speaker 04 This for a minute, otherwise we're getting our forty quid back.
39:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:44 Speaker 02 Was it just in my school, but in the nineties, two thousands, a lot of lads had night ticks shaved into the back of their heads. Was that in my?
39:51 Speaker 05 That was definitely not at my school.
39:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. Are you quite middle class?
39:54 Speaker 05 We had the Gucci logos and so.
39:56 Speaker 02 That was quite, there was quite a few lads in my school.
39:58 Speaker 03 I had pals, I had pals with night tick on the side.
40:01 Speaker 02 Night tick, had the shaved eyebrow and.
40:03 Speaker 03 Blonde tips on the quiff.
40:07 Speaker 04 Yeah, we had, I did have a quiff for a bit. I don't have the tips.
40:11 Speaker 03 My mate, my mate's older brother, you know how the older brothers are always the coolest? They're the cool ones. My mate's older brother, he had a blonde quiff and I was like, wow, imagine that.
40:20 Speaker 05 Right, Johnny Bravo.
40:22 Speaker 03 It was a bit like that, but well, it was just the quiff. The rest of the hair.
40:26 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, with the bald head, yeah. That was, that was very much my brother at school. He was northie, but I weren't allowed to be called northie.
40:34 Speaker 03 Right.
40:34 Speaker 02 And no one dared touch me because he was hard.
40:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:36 Speaker 02 He's a paratrooper now. So it was always meant to be and I was proper soft. And then when he left in year eleven, I got battered for about six months for being a gobshite. So that was very much.
40:46 Speaker 03 Can he drop in? Can he just?
40:48 Speaker 02 He's still with us now. Every now and then.
40:50 Speaker 03 Jump out the plane.
40:50 Speaker 05 Yeah.
40:51 Speaker 04 Um. Okay, so I think, yeah, the, the, I mean, look, you find it funny, but you are being employed as a teacher. So within your working hours, I would say you have to toe the party line.
40:59 Speaker 05 I tell you, I mean, I don't know.
41:00 Speaker 03 My favourite teachers were the ones that seemed human.
41:03 Speaker 05 Same.
41:03 Speaker 03 My favourite teachers, the ones that reached me and sort of I genuinely actually wanted to sort of work for and cared about. Um, because sort of at the end of the day, the students, the way that they react and the, and, you know, that reflects on the old teacher that there, doesn't it?
41:23 Speaker 05 I liked the teachers who seemed.
41:24 Speaker 03 So the ones that seemed human that were sort of like.
41:27 Speaker 05 Normal.
41:28 Speaker 03 The ones that were like, come on, don't do that.
41:30 Speaker 05 Hmm.
41:31 Speaker 03 I know it's funny. You know it's funny, but we can't, we can't do that. I was all like, sorry, sir, sorry, miss, like, you know. So I think, um, I think she's, uh, in the right place. I think she's the makings of a, of, of a great teacher. One, ones that will actually.
41:46 Speaker 04 Maybe laugh about it in the staff room, but then outside of the staff.
41:48 Speaker 03 Well, wasn't she saying that the staff room would be a bit snitty about it?
41:51 Speaker 05 Yeah, but I think she can still.
41:53 Speaker 04 I mean, can this, should the lab be going around the school with?
41:56 Speaker 03 No.
41:56 Speaker 04 The cock and balls on you. I don't think he really can, because I mean, also, I, I, I don't know whether this is plausible, but would it encourage others? Do you know what I mean? Like, uh, cause after a while, if, if like fifty percent of your boys have got cock and balls in there, uh, then that is going to start affecting Ofsted, I would have thought. Like, that's not, they do, they probably look for that sort of thing. You might go down from outstanding to good. Do you know what I mean?
42:17 Speaker 05 Yeah.
42:17 Speaker 04 Like, is it an outstanding school? It's good, but the twenty percent of the boys have cock and balls shaved in their head. So.
42:22 Speaker 05 Questionable haircut, yeah.
42:23 Speaker 04 Yeah. So that would take you down, I think. I don't, I don't know what they look for in Ofsted, but they, that they might.
42:29 Speaker 05 I think it is now.
42:29 Speaker 04 They might look for that, mightn't they? Yeah, they, they might look for that.
42:32 Speaker 02 I think James Anderson, though, Chloe, you should just carry on being that cool teacher. Be a bit like, hey, look, it's funny.
42:37 Speaker 04 Yeah. It's funny, but I.
42:39 Speaker 03 I think you reach, reach kids better. I think you do if you sort of.
42:43 Speaker 02 I agree.
42:44 Speaker 03 Be relatable.
42:45 Speaker 04 I think be relatable. I, I also think, I don't think he can be going around school with, I just, it does, it's a big distraction.
42:52 Speaker 03 I used to have insane teachers. I used to have one teacher that used to, he, he, he would really get off on telling kids off.
43:00 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:01 Speaker 03 And, uh, but he would do things, like kids are.
43:03 Speaker 05 Very slow sentence.
43:04 Speaker 03 No, um, take that however you want. But you can, you you know, you get, kids are gonna be kids, right? They're gonna muck about when they're at school. If you catch them, fair game. You know, if they're doing something a bit naughty in front of you, you go, come on. Sort it out, detention, whatever. He used to, you you used to be able to see him like pop his head around corners and stuff like that. He used to try and catch children doing something out like out of the ordinary, whatever.
43:33 Speaker 04 That's weird.
43:34 Speaker 03 He, there was, I don't know if this is true, but the story was at my school. That he want, he wanted to try and catch some kids that left school premises on break, at break time. Uh, and he hid under a lorry. And got stuck.
43:52 Speaker 03 And the kids ran away.
43:54 Speaker 04 Under a lorry?
43:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, he he crawled under a lorry to try and catch these kids out. Um, I don't know if that's true.
44:03 Speaker 04 I mean.
44:03 Speaker 03 But it made sense with the type of person that he was.
44:06 Speaker 04 We used to get told off at our school for things that I don't really even think were particularly bad, like there was, um, we were told not to walk around town. Their phrase was swinging a can.
44:20 Speaker 03 Which is a can of coke. Right.
44:22 Speaker 04 Like, don't walk around town swinging a can. And also don't stand outside the school talking to the girls.
44:27 Speaker 03 Hmm.
44:27 Speaker 04 Or like, don't talk to the girls, you know, like, well.
44:30 Speaker 03 Use it at a boys' school.
44:31 Speaker 04 I made it at a boys' school.
44:33 Speaker 05 Wasn't a problem for me.
44:35 Speaker 04 Well, it wasn't a problem for me either, because I was terrified of talking to the girls, but like, I kind of thought, well, this is, I feel like now, it wouldn't, nowadays, that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to like, you know, encourage, like actually get boys and girls to talk to each other, rather than the boys just looking at pornography, like, but not, not in our case, not allowed to talk to the girls.
44:52 Speaker 05 But attitudes have changed.
44:53 Speaker 04 I would have thought that now that they'd be more in favour of that, but we weren't.
44:57 Speaker 05 No.
44:59 Speaker 04 All right, let's do another one. What have we got?
45:00 Speaker 05 This is from Caitlin. Hello, William and Jordan. I'm a long time listener, but first time writer who has enjoyed the podcast for many years. My dilemma is regarding house guests, a phenomenon which William may be unfamiliar with, but I'm hoping he can advise nonetheless. That's rude.
45:14 Speaker 02 You don't like, William doesn't like people staying over.
45:16 Speaker 05 No, I do.
45:17 Speaker 03 I don't like staying over at people's houses.
45:18 Speaker 05 I didn't have a guest bed over a bit, but you don't like staying at other people's houses? Well, fair enough.
45:23 Speaker 03 Ever since I was a kid, I was like, I've got my own bed and I like sleeping there and it's comfy and nowhere I'm at.
45:29 Speaker 05 Caitlin continues, I live in a city around an hour away from where I grew up, the home of the world famous black pudding. I'm sure Jordan knows where it is, Bury. Due to this, when family members come to see me, they often stay at my house. Now, this doesn't pose an issue as we have two spare rooms plus a dedicated executive guest bathroom.
45:45 Speaker 02 Oh, executive. In Bury, someone's doing well.
45:48 Speaker 05 My dilemma comes as the guest bathroom is home to the only bath in the house. Now, I love a bath, especially when it includes some lady petrol. Uh-oh.
45:55 Speaker 02 Seco.
45:56 Speaker 05 And it's where I will usually spend my bliss hours. It is a place of relaxation for me, however, two separate family members have asked to use the bath whilst they're staying with us. Not wanting to be an inhospitable host, I have always agreed. However, I then find myself unable to move past the image of them stewing in my happy place in all their glory. There is something about the image that burns in my brain and I find myself having to scrub the bath with bleach and disinfect several times before I can bathe again. So my dilemma is this, is it bad etiquette to request that guests don't use the bath whilst staying? Or do I need to get over it and continue my bleaching routine? Thank you, Caitlin. You absolutely need to get over it, you weirdo.
46:29 Speaker 02 Is it bad? Yeah, I've used many people's baths.
46:32 Speaker 04 Yeah.
46:33 Speaker 02 Bath.
46:34 Speaker 04 I mean, I've heard somebody say like, I can't stay in hotels because I just think of.
46:39 Speaker 03 This is what I was gonna say, it's a bit of a rabbit hole.
46:40 Speaker 04 All the people who have slept in that bed and you're like, well, yeah.
46:43 Speaker 03 I've been there in hotels and stuff and I go, imagine what's gone on in this bed and I'm about to sleep in it.
46:49 Speaker 02 But they wash it and it's all.
46:51 Speaker 03 And I think. I know, so you have to, you have to let it go, otherwise you will drive yourself insane.
46:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:56 Speaker 04 Yeah.
46:56 Speaker 03 So it's, I would say the same to this lady.
46:58 Speaker 02 They hoover those beds often, they've got to. So that, my aunt used to be a hotel cleaner.
47:04 Speaker 05 I had to do more than.
47:04 Speaker 02 Not even in a posh one and they, they proper have to like clean them. Some are a bit mucky.
47:09 Speaker 04 And well, is the bath in the guest bed?
47:11 Speaker 05 Yeah, in the guest bathroom, they can use.
47:12 Speaker 04 So she's, she's got a bath in the guest bathroom?
47:15 Speaker 05 And she doesn't want guests to use it?
47:16 Speaker 04 And doesn't want guests to use the bath, I don't know about that.
47:18 Speaker 05 She has, she has the audacity to say a phenomenon William may be unfamiliar with.
47:21 Speaker 04 Oh.
47:22 Speaker 02 Don't be horrible.
47:23 Speaker 04 No.
47:23 Speaker 05 I'm not being horrible, I'm being direct.
47:26 Speaker 04 I think it's almost like, yeah, once you start thinking about it, maybe it is a bit weird that other people are in your bath, but I'd. Suppose, yeah.
47:33 Speaker 02 Hide the plug. Someone using my bath.
47:35 Speaker 05 I wouldn't mind it at all.
47:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, Caitlin, just give it a good bleach if it freaks you out.
47:39 Speaker 03 If you wanna go a bit nuclear with it though, Caitlin, I would start making people feel uncomfortable when they stay. Just little subtle things, just.
47:48 Speaker 05 Ask them not to use the bath.
47:49 Speaker 03 Just subtly let them know that they're an inconvenience. And then you don't get any people staying at your house. Just little things like, just, just like, oh, if they want a cup of tea or something, just.
48:02 Speaker 03 Just do that before, just little things.
48:06 Speaker 05 I don't really like to boil the kettle after six thirty.
48:08 Speaker 03 Not wanted, don't vocalise anything, don't ever say, I don't want you staying here, I don't want you using my bath. Just make them feel that they're not welcome.
48:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, go and put the hot water on.
48:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, absolutely.
48:20 Speaker 05 They ask for a cup of tea and you sign and go, anything else?
48:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, those things, yeah.
48:25 Speaker 02 That's good, make them feel a little pub on the salt.
48:27 Speaker 03 Give them, give them the cold shoulder.
48:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
48:30 Speaker 03 That's a Pilkington fact.
48:32 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah, see, if a guest wasn't wanted anymore, they'd be given the cold.
48:38 Speaker 03 Shoulder of meat.
48:40 Speaker 04 It's just definitely not true, it's just, he's scrabbling around, I've nothing there. But, yeah, so I'm all pub in the bar, you mentioned pubes, pub in the bath, that'd, that'd do it, I imagine.
48:47 Speaker 02 They wouldn't want a bath again.
48:49 Speaker 04 No, they'd never bathe in any bath.
48:51 Speaker 02 They, boys, you're good at this, good at this advice.
48:54 Speaker 03 This is a little.
48:54 Speaker 02 We've got time for one more.
48:55 Speaker 05 We do have time for one more, this is from an anonymous listener.
48:58 Speaker 04 Oh, right, okay.
48:59 Speaker 05 Hello, boys, I work for the ambulance service and as you can imagine, we interact with a wide variety of dot, dot, dot vibrant characters. Among them, we have our frequent flyers, the regulars who call nine nine nine multiple times a day. But one of our local regulars has ended himself the permanent nickname Spiderman. Spiderman will call nine nine nine for a completely fake medical emergency. In the exact window of time between us pressing his flat buzzer and walking through his bedroom door, he manages to perfectly time masturbating to completion. The exact second you walk in, he launches his man juice straight at you like Spiderman called.
49:30 Speaker 04 A web generally disgusting as it is from a purely logistical standpoint you almost have to respect the Olympic level timing he has because of this his address now has an official history marker on our dispatch system so my question for you boys what is the proper tactical etiquette for avoiding spider man super splurge when entering a patient's property many thanks anonymous
49:49 Speaker 03 Right well first of all you've got a duty haven't you you can't even if they've got even if they're flagged the annoying thing is that you've got to keep turning up they used to be
50:02 Speaker 04 You're right yeah I know I'm just I'm amazed by what no I was just trying to think the depravity you know will I ever end up like that
50:11 Speaker 03 When I was a younger man and I never did
50:13 Speaker 04 You have to you have to think could that be me
50:15 Speaker 03 When I never did this myself you know when they back in the day where you used to have one television
50:20 Speaker 04 Yeah
50:20 Speaker 03 It was before wifi and laptops
50:22 Speaker 04 Yeah
50:23 Speaker 03 Your phone
50:23 Speaker 04 I think I can see
50:24 Speaker 03 Where salty things weren't so accessible
50:27 Speaker 04 Uh huh
50:29 Speaker 03 There was a thing called a danger wank
50:31 Speaker 04 Yep Yeah yeah I have heard of this
50:34 Speaker 03 I've heard of this So you'd get quite close to finishing whatever you were doing in the living room and then you'd shout mum and you'd have from them coming down the stairs to finish off what you were doing
50:49 Speaker 04 You know that they're worried nowadays that children get bored and they don't they're not creative anymore and this is a good example like we'd come up with all sorts of fun stuff
50:56 Speaker 03 I never did it myself
50:57 Speaker 04 Because they don't have so many channels
50:58 Speaker 03 It was called a danger wank
50:59 Speaker 02 There was so many there was a danger wank there was a posh wank
51:02 Speaker 03 Posh wank with a condom yeah
51:04 Speaker 02 The one famously from me in between us where Jay sits and he said all the lads did that at our school
51:08 Speaker 04 Did they
51:09 Speaker 03 What was that one
51:09 Speaker 04 What's this
51:10 Speaker 02 Where you you were at the you sat on your hand till it goes numb
51:13 Speaker 03 Oh the dead hand
51:14 Speaker 02 Yeah so it felt like someone else
51:16 Speaker 03 Right
51:16 Speaker 02 Which is the best scene ever because you've got a snorkel on you've never seen it's the funniest but all the lads at my school got told that so you'd sit on your hand until it went dead for like half an hour
51:26 Speaker 04 Do you think now they're they're banning social media for the under sixteens it's going to increase the rise of danger wanks because they've got to do something Maybe I mean
51:34 Speaker 03 I've got under sixteens I've got two under sixteens in my house and I like
51:40 Speaker 03 You know, there wasn't, there wasn't internet and stuff and I still managed to wank quite a lot when I was a teenager.
51:49 Speaker 03 I still got it done. I still got it over the line. I'm not sure it's gonna make a big difference, to be honest.
51:55 Speaker 04 Young men didn't need any extra help. I think that was, they're already doing well.
52:01 Speaker 02 Like you say, encouraged creativity. You did. And your mate would say to you, wank bank?
52:06 Speaker 03 Absolutely, yes.
52:07 Speaker 04 Oh, the wank bank.
52:09 Speaker 02 So much fit or attractive, you might go put that for the wank bank?
52:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:13 Speaker 04 Right.
52:14 Speaker 02 Before internet. But look, to anonymous, like, like, like the boy said, you've got to do a, a, you wanked half of the rugby team half, what are you on about? Um, you've got to do a, a, um, a duty.
52:25 Speaker 04 Did more than that.
52:26 Speaker 03 You've got a duty.
52:28 Speaker 02 He, he, he did, he did. In public school, it was just normal to get one of the other boys to do it for you. Is that right?
52:36 Speaker 04 Ken, what were you saying?
52:39 Speaker 02 Um, so yeah, uh, I think you've got a duty. You, you handled it well. Nobody has to put up with that because that is, um, maybe you've got to start wearing goggles or.
52:48 Speaker 04 I'd just shout, I'd just say, look, just, can you just finish? Then I'll come in. Like, just, he knows what he's doing.
52:53 Speaker 05 Why is the ambulance service still sending them to this person?
52:56 Speaker 04 You have to, you have to, you have to, because one day they won't go.
52:58 Speaker 05 I hope it's not being prioritised.
53:00 Speaker 02 No, it won't be.
53:01 Speaker 03 I'm a bit sort of.
53:02 Speaker 04 Is the boy a cried wolf? It's almost, it's the same.
53:03 Speaker 03 That's what I mean, yeah. I'm a bit of a no nonsense guy. And I would be like, if there was a genuine problem and he called 999.
53:11 Speaker 05 Well, tough.
53:13 Speaker 03 They were a bit lax turning up. I would be a bit like, serves him right.
53:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, I quite agree. Or you could, they could turn up, they could borrow one of the police service's tasers and turn up and taser him as they go through the door. He'll never do it again.
53:25 Speaker 03 I think, I think that'd be the ultimate, yeah.
53:28 Speaker 02 My mind's on the same thing about.
53:30 Speaker 03 That would really get his rocks on.
53:31 Speaker 02 I know, yeah. Like a fountain. Thanks so much for listening today.
53:38 Speaker 02 If you want to get in touch with us on Help by Sex and My Boss with a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected] . And give it up for our wonderful guests from Fact Up, Joe and James.
53:50 Speaker 03 Thank you guys. Thanks for having us.
53:50 Speaker 02 Thank you.
53:51 Speaker 04 Thank you.
53:52 Speaker 02 You've, you've met a very sad teenager's dreams come true. So thank you.
53:55 Speaker 03 It was a pleasure.
54:04 Speaker 02 I'm Claire Buckley and this Halloween on my podcast, Pretty Scary, we are gonna cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts and aliens. Plus, the scariest movies to watch this spooky season with the lights off. So, as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window. It's probably just the cat, right? Get the candles lit and search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.
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