Help I’ve Scalded My A***hole | And Wendi’s Reply…

Jordan's back from his mum's 60th birthday, and there's much to debrief on. Wendi has also heard William's recent comments about her, and let's just say SHOTS HAVE BEEN FIRED. Will William be able to resist having the last word, or will he keep digging his own grave? There's also plenty of dilemmas to solve, including how to dress for a northern wedding and the perils of douching with hot water. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, this is Suzy Ruffel.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  And Maisy Adam.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it?

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Only the best podcast ever.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping too.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  Num, num, num, num, num. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.

• 0:37Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sextered My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern day life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if put play turns into piss play? Or what should you do if thousands of people have watched James Buckley call you a briefcase wanker? And what should you do if you've accidentally sextered your boss? But we are not your usual agony ants, are we? William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert.

• 1:08Speaker 03

  No, we're not. Jordan North, radio and TV presenter. I'm more heatwave, you're more crime wave. That's from Jump Cut Jack himself.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  Cheers, Jack. Thank you.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  What sort of crimes do you think, other than fashion, what sort of crimes do you think Jordan's committed?

• 1:21Speaker 02

  Go on, Jack, jump on, no Ben.

• 1:23Speaker 03

  Hi, boys.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  Hi, Jack. Look.

• 1:25Speaker 03

  What?

• 1:26Speaker 02

  Oh, that's, it could never be a pilot.

• 1:28Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:28Speaker 02

  It can't be a pilot, if you call Jack. What sort of crimes?

• 1:31Speaker 03

  What crimes? So there's some crimes on the paddle course.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  Oh. And playing after this?

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Are you?

• 1:38Speaker 02

  Really into it.

• 1:39Speaker 03

  Oh, you're not going to the gym?

• 1:40Speaker 02

  No, to paddle.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Okay. We should just say, Jack is on the mic because literally everyone is on holiday.

• 1:46Speaker 02

  Everyone's on holiday. It feels like everyone's on holiday on Instagram at the moment.

• 1:49Speaker 03

  I should have taken the week off myself.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  Ben, Izzy.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  Stu.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Chairman Emeritus Stuart.

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Zofia.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  Where's Egon? North Wales? That's a holiday town, isn't it? South Wales. I've gone to check out the North Wales I have. I like to give them a bit of my money, you know, with the economy being down over there and stuff. So I've gone over there to North Wales.

• 2:07Speaker 03

  I'm not sure the economy is, I don't know.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I've gone over to North Wales, who's got his hat jacket. Used to show them a bit of culture and how the proper Welsh do it.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  Wow, okay. Hello to our former Welsh listeners.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  No, they'll like that. In Rill, they'll love that. That's North Wales, isn't it?

• 2:22Speaker 03

  Yes, Rill I believe as well, yes. Um, I believe, I'm gonna pour the GND, but I believe you, Jordan, first time in eight years.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  That is not tru- you make out like I do zero prep for this show. I actually do, we just have different methods, that's all.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  I'm being a wicked old tease.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Oh, you're being a wicked old witch.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Oh, you've got a toast for us.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  I would like to toast some, uh, gene divas that I've seen out in the wild over the past week.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  Well, we're not, we're not at Whipsnade Zoo.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  So first of all, that's a tiny portion.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  It's one measure.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  Let's get a double in there.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  You never drink the damn thing.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  Doing today, I'm, I'm, I like to loosen up before paddle.

• 2:59Speaker 03

  So are you.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  So our, our first toast is to Tim and Paul, the gene divas that I met on the train.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  They were going down to see their son in London.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  Sorry, two men with a child.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Yes, it can happen. Uh, and, and they were lovely.

• 3:16Speaker 03

  Lovely.

• 3:16Speaker 02

  So don't do, that's not.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  I'm, it's a joke because I'm obviously gay.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  I know, they, oh, no joke, they were lovely. They, do you know how they met? I was on the train.

• 3:24Speaker 03

  Was it a grinder?

• 3:25Speaker 02

  No, I, sorry, do you know how I met them?

• 3:28Speaker 03

  See previous ones.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  I was on the train and he walked past and threw down the Sunday Times business, running thing and went, I believe your friend's in the Sunday Times this weekend. So I met them and had a really lovely chat with them.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Uh, uh, from Bisbem in Blackpool.

• 3:46Speaker 03

  From where?

• 3:47Speaker 02

  Bisbem.

• 3:47Speaker 03

  Bisbem?

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Hmm, Bisbem.

• 3:49Speaker 03

  Say that three times.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  Also, Dan, in our local.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Right? I go to this local all the time, because at the bar, he's been a gene diva since 2019.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Love it. So all of them.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  Not gay.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  No, what?

• 4:02Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Slipped through the net. Well, to all of them, bottoms up.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Do we have any, like? Can we say that? Do we do a roll call for our straight male G D B's?

• 4:12Speaker 03

  I do think we do have actually quite a few straight male G D B's.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  I think we do, don't we?

• 4:16Speaker 04

  There's a few. I was a fan of the podcast before I ever worked on it.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  This is true.

• 4:21Speaker 03

  And Jack is straight.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  Yes, that's true. So if there is any of you, it's like, we'll do a little shout out.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  And everyone, they's, them's, gays, bi's, lesbians, we've said it from the start, you're all welcome.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  We are a broad church, indeed. Um, how did it come to you? We've had a lovely little, we walked in together, we commuted in.

• 4:42Speaker 02

  I, uh, William was a guest on my show this morning.

• 4:45Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  On, uh, on Capital.

• 4:47Speaker 03

  I got the phone call, someone's dropped out.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  No, that's not true. I just thought we'd have you on, come and talk about Titanic.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't want to mention it.

• 4:54Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  No.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  No, it's all right, because people are saying, Keith's mentioning Capital all the time. So it's my life, it's my job.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  What, on air?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, on, on this.

• 5:01Speaker 03

  Oh, I see.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  Not that read the comments. Um, so I said to him, come on, we'll walk. He went, oh no, I'm not walking, darling.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Because, Jordan, it's hotter than the sun outside. And I just originally, though, we had a, we did have a lovely walk and we were predominantly in shade. But I did think, I'm going to arrive at the studio in an absolute sweaty mess.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  But it was fine.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, it, it currently looks like a, he's sweating like a goth in Benidorm at the moment, aren't you? But you were fine. It, it's nice to walk if you've got time. And we had a stroll, we had a natter.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  A proper catch up.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  And the tubes were down.

• 5:31Speaker 02

  The tubes were, they weren't down. Uh, by the way, loads of people have messaged me about that last week, saying, your tubes can be late and it won't update on the apps.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  Right.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  Or YouTube, you know, sometimes tubes can be late for 20 minutes. There's many things I am, but I'm not a liar.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  You are what you are.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. So we walked here today, it was nice.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  It was nice, actually. Maybe I should come and pick you up at work more often, we could walk in.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  I quite like that.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Just hear some of the things we said about some of our colleagues. Oh my god.

• 5:56Speaker 02

  And Mikey, your ears might be burning, but.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  He won't be listening.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  Oh, bloody hell.

• 6:03Speaker 03

  Tuned out years ago.

• 6:04Speaker 02

  Oh, fair. I don't blame him. I don't blame him.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  What do you mean you don't blame him?

• 6:08Speaker 02

  For the impressions and stuff. Oh, you little shit. You're doing impressions of me again. So, yeah. How's it going? What's, what's the crack? What else been going on?

• 6:16Speaker 03

  Well, do you know what? Oh, bless you. I, um, I walked past John Lewis. You won't be contractually aware of John Lewis.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  Never even heard of it.

• 6:22Speaker 03

  No, exactly.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Know what it is?

• 6:23Speaker 03

  Um, I walked past John Lewis on Oxford Street the other day. They're offering piercings now. I don't think that's very John Lewis. I'm gonna put it out there. They're not, I know Claire's has gone under. But now John Lewis has filled a, literally a gap in the market. And they're doing piercings. And I just thought, oh.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  Doesn't seem.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Not sure about that.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  You're not for, you're not very for piercings.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Well, my late etiquette granny always said if God had meant for us to have holes in our ears, he would have put them there. So she was very, she was very against.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Did she not have her ears pierced? Did she not wear earrings?

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Clip-ons, which are not very smart. I just want to point that out there. But she was always wearing clip-ons.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  Really?

• 6:59Speaker 03

  Um.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  Like Pat Butcher?

• 7:01Speaker 03

  Like Pat Butcher. My mother does not have pierced ears because she can't, even though granny is, is long dead, she cannot bring herself to get her ears pierced because she knows that granny will be up there. Watching, absolutely livid.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Your mum told me when she first talked about your grandmother that she was a snob.

• 7:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, she was a snob. All the best people are. But we all are, really.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Have you, would you never get anything pierced?

• 7:23Speaker 03

  No. I mean, I've got a Prince Albert, but other than that.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  Fucking big one if it's on yours. Christ, like one of those ones that cows have in between the noses.

• 7:33Speaker 03

  Oh, a big ring?

• 7:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  No, that's elsewhere.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  A bull ring? Yeah, you'd have that.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  Right. Presumably John Lewis are now going to change their slogan to never knowingly underhold. Which coincidentally, actually, it's my slogan elsewhere.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Can't believe you can get piercings done at John Lewis.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  I just, you know. I mean, I love a John Lewis, but I just don't think it needs to be. We don't need to be offering piercings.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  They've all got to reach the quarters, haven't they?

• 7:58Speaker 03

  Yes. Talking of quarters, are we yet at the quarter finals of the World Cup?

• 8:02Speaker 02

  I said to him on the way in, there was a bit of a lull in the conversation. So I said.

• 8:06Speaker 03

  I don't know if you could tell, Jean Devers, by what Jordan asked me.

• 8:08Speaker 02

  I said, you watched any of the World Cup? I don't know. I was going, I was just filling for time. And he went, yes. I went, have you? He went, no. You don't watch any of the England games?

• 8:16Speaker 03

  Not, not, not a peep. Mainly I'm working when the shows are on, the games are on, whatever you call them. But no, I wouldn't, even if I weren't, I wouldn't be watching.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  So at the time of recording, I'm at a wedding this weekend. I wanted to ask you, what is the correct etiquette for watching the football at someone's wedding? Do you think they should put the football on for people?

• 8:34Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  Do you not?

• 8:35Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  I can see both sides because it's their special day.

• 8:38Speaker 03

  At what time in the day?

• 8:39Speaker 02

  Ten o'clock, ten P M. kickoff.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  Well, you see, this is where, and I've said it for years, if weddings finished, you know, didn't drag on as they will do, you, everyone could be a winner here.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  Other than potentially England. Who are they playing?

• 8:53Speaker 02

  Panama.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  Pa- yes, I know that because of the hats.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  See, I'm, oh, I know it because isn't that where that guy who faked his death on canoe?

• 9:00Speaker 03

  Yes, and the can- the canal, Panama Canal.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  So is it part of America? Is it South America?

• 9:06Speaker 03

  No, but it's a country in itself. Otherwise it would not be competing in the World Cup.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, where is it? It's South?

• 9:11Speaker 03

  South America.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  Panama?

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's, I believe it's lovely. Who, who is statistically going to win between England and Panama?

• 9:18Speaker 02

  Well, I did say on air, with my big gob, that I reckon we'd beat Ghana four nil.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Very boring game, zero, zero, zero.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  Nil nil.

• 9:26Speaker 03

  Whatever.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Nil nil. Yeah, it was a tough.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  Well, actually, maybe I should do that for an etiquette model. Why do we say nil and not zero or O? Where's nil come from?

• 9:34Speaker 02

  It's nil nil, isn't it?

• 9:35Speaker 03

  Is it French? Nil poire?

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Nil poire.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  Oh, maybe I'll look into that.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Uh, but yeah, do you think it's down to the host? If they're not showing it, you shouldn't really sneak off, should you?

• 9:45Speaker 03

  You shouldn't.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  It is a bit tight on the bride because it's their special day, isn't it?

• 9:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. And, I mean, look, if everything has finished, and I think the key is, have the couple done the first dance? If they're doing dancing, you know, have to, we didn't. But if you, if they're doing the first dance, you can't really leave before then.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 10:03Speaker 03

  If they have, and you've had a bit of a boogie. Then you could potentially sort of make your excuses and leave, but make sure you say goodbye to the hosts.

• 10:11Speaker 02

  Don't ever do that again.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  What?

• 10:12Speaker 02

  Boogie, that's your.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  Bit of a boogie.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. What else been going on?

• 10:16Speaker 03

  Um, well, I've got into my, my pre-theatre dinner, I go across the, the way from the theatre. By the way, the theatre which is called the Criterion Theatre, or as it was called on Capital Breakfast last week by Jordan, who can't read, the Citron Theatre.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  That's what I was sponsored. I read it wrong. Criterion, what's Criterion?

• 10:35Speaker 03

  It's just a, just an old name.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, because there used to be the Criterion Restaurant next door. It's now a masala zone, but it was previously a nice restaurant. I mean, I'm sure masala zone is lovely, but it's a different vibe to the Criterion Restaurant. Um, anyway, uh, I go across the way and I have, I've got into, I've never had one before, but now I'm bashing one almost every other day, a burrito.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  Oh, I love a burrito.

• 10:58Speaker 03

  Yes, well, you want to go to this place.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  Love a burrito.

• 11:00Speaker 03

  It's really nice. And they can stuff a lot in.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, can't they?

• 11:04Speaker 03

  They keep on and I'm like, I'm like, you'll never fit all this in. And then they sort of jiggle, jiggle, you know, juju it around and they wrap it in tin foil. Yeah.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Is that what you have in every pre-show meal?

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Every other day, won't have it today.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  What's your flavour? I bet you go for extra toppings now, because you've got a bit of.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  You know me.

• 11:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  Uh, I go for, uh, chicken.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Uh, brown rice, because healthy.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:30Speaker 03

  Yeah. Um, black beans, as opposed to the pinto beans, or are they the same? Anyway, there are two types of beans, but I go for the black beans.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Never know the difference, mate.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  No.

• 11:39Speaker 02

  You can't tell the difference.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  No. Some sort of fried vegetables, peppers and onions, uh, guacamole.

• 11:45Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. You have to pay extra for that.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Sour cream.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. Cheddar cheese.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  And a lemon sauce.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  A lemon sauce?

• 11:54Speaker 03

  They do a lemon sauce.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  But you don't get a can of pop, do you? You've never drank that?

• 11:57Speaker 03

  No. No, I just have my water bottle. Yeah.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  I'm gonna get a burrito after this now, I'm dying for one.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  You go to the place where I go to.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  I might actually go, because I'm coming to see you next week.

• 12:07Speaker 03

  You are coming to see me next week.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:09Speaker 03

  I'm very touched, finally, just slipped in.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  What time's kickoff?

• 12:14Speaker 03

  Sorry?

• 12:15Speaker 02

  What time's kickoff?

• 12:16Speaker 03

  Curtain up on the performance that you are coming to is seven thirty.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Seven thirty.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  If you're coming to one of our matinees, it's either three o'clock on a Saturday or two thirty on a Sunday. Or if you're coming to an evening show on a Sunday, it's seven o'clock.

• 12:27Speaker 02

  Okay, seven thirty.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  Seven thirty, don't be late.

• 12:31Speaker 02

  Well, no, they can wait.

• 12:32Speaker 03

  No, John, you're not, you're not the fucking queen.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  I'm joking, she would never have been late anyway, would she?

• 12:37Speaker 03

  No, but it would have waited for her, but we are not waiting for you.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  Okay, what if I get stuck in traffic, all the tubes are down?

• 12:44Speaker 02

  I'm having, I'm having a few drinks before.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  Are you?

• 12:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the only way I'll get through it.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  Come to my dressing room, have a martini.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  No, I'm looking forward to it. How long is it each half?

• 12:58Speaker 03

  Um, it's about two hours as act one and like three hours as act two.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  You better be joking.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  I'm joking, the whole show is two hours.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  Oh, is it? Oh, great.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's not too long for you.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  Great.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Because I'm quite, I'm very flattered.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  England won't be playing next Thursday, will they? Shit.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  Depends how they finish in the group.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Shit, shit.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  But also they start late, don't they?

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 13:21Speaker 03

  Aren't all the games on like nine, ten?

• 13:24Speaker 02

  And you would genuinely be annoyed if I didn't come for England, wouldn't you?

• 13:28Speaker 03

  I don't, tell you, okay, I'm gonna be real with you, if you want to move your tickets to the following night, that wouldn't, as long as you come, I don't mind.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:36Speaker 03

  But, yeah, I don't mind when you come.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  Oh, God, do I need England to lose on Saturday to avoid this? Oh, shit.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  My brother came to watch it for a second time on England Ghana night. And he did say to me beforehand, he went, I hope you're, I hope you're happy that I will be coming to watch you and sacrificing watching the first half of England Ghana, but I won't be seeing you at stage door because I will go to a pub and watch the second half.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  Well, he did, he, that's where the whole I love you come from, because he said he loved you, that's why he's doing it.

• 14:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's right, yeah.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  We'll, we'll sort it.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Do you want me to get the, I think I put a screen on stage?

• 14:11Speaker 02

  This will be the third time I've missed Titanic.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  The third?

• 14:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, because before you were in it, we had tickets and I couldn't go.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's one.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  Then the second time, because I was working.

• 14:20Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  And then this will be the third time because of England. Well, the fourth one, I'm sure you were great. Everyone's saying you were great.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  Thank you very much.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Everyone was saying you were great.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  Well, I'll come and not watch you in the West End whenever you get cast in.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  Um, last week.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  We had a bit of beef with Wendy.

• 14:42Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 03

  I don't know what, I don't know, I think I've got a death wish.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  I think, yeah. If, if I can remember correctly.

• 14:51Speaker 03

  You were saying that your mum, growing up, used to say to you, where else can you find somewhere that you pay twenty five pounds a week? And get all your meals, all your bills, et cetera. You don't know you were born.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Et cetera. And something to do with working. And I said, and when was the last time Wendy had had a job? Or what was Wendy's last job? Or something like that. Because your mother, other than raising four kids, almost single-handedly at points, because your father worked away.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Like my mother, hadn't got a, hadn't got a payroll job, let's put it that way.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Well, Wendy's replied.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  Oh, right.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, she, she sent the video on social media.

• 15:31Speaker 03

  All I'll say is, if anything happens to me, Mikey, I love you. And, uh, please make sure my etiquette books are taken care of.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Uh, e- e- even my sister-in-law, when she sent the video, was like, he's brave. So.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, and she's got a dog named Oxford.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  Wendy's reply.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  Why, William Hanson, I very dare you. I'll have you know, I was a very hard-working, stay-at-home mother. And if you'd have lived at my house, I'd have charged you forty five pounds just for your cheek. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

• 16:07Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  What do you think of that?

• 16:08Speaker 03

  She looked very glamorous. Where was she?

• 16:10Speaker 02

  She's on holiday.

• 16:11Speaker 03

  Oh, is she? Of course she is.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  Oh, don't start creeping now. Alls I'll say is just leave it at that. She won't be beaten. You've got a right to reply, but my advice, from knowing this strong northern woman,

• 16:22Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  is just nod and smile.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. Unless you want to cause more beef.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  No? Are you sure?

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  Positive?

• 16:32Speaker 03

  Not yet.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  I'd just keep it at that. Or we could just be some of those Simmers.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  Revenge is a dish best served cold.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  Trust me. She will get the best revenge in.

• 16:42Speaker 03

  Oh, will she?

• 16:43Speaker 02

  It was a 60th birthday party.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  How was that?

• 16:45Speaker 02

  It was amazing. It was so good. We had everyone round. Um, it was great. Proper piss-up. Proper northern piss-up.

• 16:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, I enjoyed looking at the Instagram videos that you were putting up.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  I had them all up, dancing to like-

• 16:56Speaker 03

  Not the Fratellis.

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Proper mum tunes. No, no, no. I found my new audience, actually. If anyone wants to book me for any mum 60s, or just huns in general.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Or prosecco girls. I am your man. I nailed it. Played, um, Tina Turner. I had them all. I'll show you some of the videos.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  All I'll say is you're gonna love Titanic.

• 17:15Speaker 02

  Am I?

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  What's that meant to mean?

• 17:17Speaker 03

  You're gonna love Titanic.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Look at this.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  That's Whitney.

• 17:29Speaker 02

  Even my dad, look, Gronk Mark Lannis is going.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Look at them. Have you ever seen a kitchen as wild as that?

• 17:41Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  And then.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  Oh, that's so long.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  Suddenly I don't feel so bad about my own singing in the show.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Anyway, it was all good. Um, have you heard my dad's speech? Wendy, happy birthday. I love you very much. We've been married 41 years. I've loved every minute of it. And I wish you happy birthday. Come and cut the cake. Particularly the minutes when it's not you with all our family, friends and relatives. I'll say that.

• 18:11Speaker 06

  Happy Birthday.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  So there's that.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  I was waiting for a joke.

• 18:15Speaker 02

  Well, here's the joke.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  Here's the joke. Listen to this. I can't believe you said this.

• 18:19Speaker 06

  Happy Birthday, Dear Wendy. Happy Birthday to you. Right, Wendy, come on, come on.

• 18:30Speaker 06

  I know you haven't done a lot of that in hours.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  So come on, Wendy, blow up. I know you've not done a lot in hours. His actual first speech was amazing. And then halfway through, we're like, we do it toast and that. She weren't there. She was upstairs getting blow up bed ready. No one had noticed. She'd snuck off, putting blow up bed up. But we had a good, we had a good.

• 18:52Speaker 03

  How was sleeping on the blow up?

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Oh, it was fine. Everyone was like, treating me like a princess. It was like, you're gonna be all right on there. Now, now you're London ways. I was like, why'd you wind me up? I'm fine. It was comfortable. It was really comfortable.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  I, I think black hair mattresses, you, you're not gonna want to sleep on it every night, but as a one off or one or two nights, it's fine.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  It was absolutely, honestly, it was, it was great.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Good. Well, I'm glad.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  It was a really, really wholesome day.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  Lovely.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  And everyone was happy.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  And did, most importantly, did Wendy have a nice time?

• 19:20Speaker 02

  She had the best time. We had a picky tea.

• 19:22Speaker 03

  Can she, of course she did. Can she remember it?

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so. We weren't that drunk.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  Okay, good. Lovely. Um, shall we go on to my ticket of honour?

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Yes, what have you got for us today, please? What is it? Is it one I've suggested?

• 19:35Speaker 03

  No, I've gone rogue, if I'm honest.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  It's not napkin rings again, is it?

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Did you do napkin rings?

• 19:41Speaker 03

  Proper, yes, I have. Why do teacups have a saucer but mugs don't?

• 19:47Speaker 02

  I don't know. Why do teacups have a?

• 19:49Speaker 03

  It's not a joke. I'll tell you after these messages.

• 19:58Speaker 07

  I'm Claire Buckley and this Halloween on my podcast, Pretty Scary, we are gonna cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts and aliens. Plus the scariest movies to watch this spooky season with the lights off. So as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window. It's probably just the cat, right? Get the candles lit in search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. Right now, it's time for William Hanson's Etiquetimology of the Week.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  Here's the jingle. It's William, William, the etiquette geek. His knowledge, knowledge is quite unique. He'll give you manners, manners, a subtle tweak.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  It's time for William's Etiquetimeticetimology of the Week. Cha cha cha, cha cha cha, cha cha cha. Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. Hasn't Ben got a jingle? What was his one? Ben's big hole? What was it?

• 21:08Speaker 03

  Ben's big bender, I think.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. We should bring that back.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  No, we shouldn't.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  No?

• 21:13Speaker 03

  Neither the jingle nor the person.

• 21:14Speaker 04

  We can bring it back if you want.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  I think, Jack, we'll have a Ben's Big Bender next week.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  Aren't we doing another Sweet Little Lies next week?

• 21:20Speaker 04

  We will be soon.

• 21:21Speaker 03

  So soon.

• 21:23Speaker 04

  The Ben's Big Bender jingle got slated by you both, to be fair, when you did that one.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Because it didn't go to lovely Stephen.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  All right. Why does a cup have a saucer and a mug? I think I already know.

• 21:35Speaker 03

  Go on, tell me.

• 21:36Speaker 02

  Is it to do with Beauty and the Beast?

• 21:38Speaker 03

  No.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:40Speaker 03

  No. Well, mugs basically became popular with the rise of instant coffee and tea bags. So it was in the 60s and the 70s, basically.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, but we're going to go back even further before we get to the 60s and 70s. We're going to go back to China, which is where tea is from, of course. And tea came over, as I've said before in this podcast, tea came over to Europe in the 17th century. But we in Britain, we didn't understand it in Europe. We didn't get it. We knew it was made with boiling water, but this was the problem for us because Europe wasn't able to make teacups that held boiling water. So we had to use Chinese porcelain. And indeed, Chinese teacups, and still if you go to Chinese restaurants today, they're those little cups that don't have handles, they don't have saucers, and they're much smaller. And because they drink the tea, they make it with boiling water, but they drink the tea when it's much cooler than us. So, you know, you can pick up the porcelain cups and you don't scold your fingers.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  They also hold it from the top and the bottom of the cup, so different from us. So because we didn't understand this, we would then add sauce. We added a saucer. Now, no handle, so the teacup didn't have a handle at this point. We had a little... Saucer, so you could pass it from person to person because the hostess would often pass it to to their guests. Um. So adding that saucer meant that that she could do that. And then when we started to make our own porcelain in the eighteenth century, we then added in handles so we could pick it up. And the saucers remained because tea was expensive, always served, as I say, by the lady of the house. Um. And then demitasse cups, coffee cups, also came with saucers, but when mugs were introduced, saucers weren't needed because they were mainly used informally and the handle aided distribution, not the saucer.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  So why do you have the saucer?

• 23:18Speaker 03

  Uh. So you could pass it.

• 23:20Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 23:20Speaker 03

  The lady, because, I mean, this is another eschatomology now, you're getting a bonus. Um. Tea, because it was so expensive, because it was imported from China, uh, would often be kept in a locked caddy.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  You've told us that before.

• 23:31Speaker 03

  Yes, I know. And the lady of the house would wear the key for the tea chest around her decolletage, second time I've said that today. Um. Would would be here. And so the lady, if I'll be mother or lady of the house, that was why it was her duty.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  They would worry the servants were going to steal the tea because it was so precious.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Oh, god damn those working class thieves.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  Exactly. Crime wave, et cetera. Going back to that. So there we go.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  I've always been a mug type of guy.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  You've got mug written all over you.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  I I like a big mug of coffee.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  You see, I don't like an overwhelming amount of liquid.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Mug. Not what I did.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  I don't. I just like, you know, less is more. That's why I've always liked you.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Now, we do only see each other once a week.

• 24:15Speaker 03

  No, it was it was a joke about your height, actually.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need help with something, then do get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected]. You can DM us, we're at Sex and My Boss on the socials, and also the address is on the website, sextedmyboss.com.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  This is from William and Amy. Um. Hello, William, Jordan, the rest of the wonderful sexted team. My fiance and I spent much of our spare time seeking thrills on roller coasters.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  Oh, those people.

• 24:45Speaker 03

  Just mad about the Big Dipper. Unfortunately, this pastime often comes with a particular frustration. People barging past in the queue to rejoin friends who have been holding their place.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  I don't agree with that.

• 24:56Speaker 03

  No. Being British and courteous and keen to avoid causing a scene, we inevitably step aside and allow it to happen. However, we are left wondering, what is the correct etiquette for challenging a queue jumper without creating an awkward or confrontational situation? Given William's fondness for Disneyland Paris, we also wonder whether he has encountered this behaviour across the channel. Best wishes, William and Amy.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  I think that's such bad manners getting over. It's alright if you're.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  It goes against the principles of queuing.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  But even at a bar, sometimes I'm thinking, do I do it? You know, if you're at a festival at the bar. It's alright if it's one or two of you, but if it's.

• 25:32Speaker 03

  Well, should you just go up and order the drinks for your friend?

• 25:34Speaker 02

  In a roller, in a rollercoaster queue, absolutely not, because you're waiting for seats. But in a bar, if it's like one friend, two max, then it's alright. But if it's more than that, I'd be like.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, but then if everyone in the queue does it, then what looks like a short queue becomes a very long queue.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, fast. Yeah.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  But also at a bar, like if I, rather than me joining you at the bar and going, oh, and I'll have a gin and tonic or whatever, just you order me a gin and tonic.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  How would you deal with it?

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Well, I haven't dealt with this at Disneyland Paris, but at Disneyland Shanghai, when I was there in 2019.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Um, we had a lot of this and people would go, I'm joining my friend. And we would go, who's your friend? And they'd sort of point vaguely in the distance. And I remember literally pushing people back over the barriers gently, going, no, because they were just trying to climb over the barriers. It was actually the most interesting thing, other than Tron. Oh my God, the Tron ride there is amazing, but that's a whole nother story. My friend's contact lens flew out. Um, but yeah, having to police the queue was quite fun. Two Brits policing the queue.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  My friend's contact lens fell out. You, have you been to every Disney?

• 26:34Speaker 03

  No, I haven't been to Hong Kong Disney, haven't been to Tokyo Disney.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Have you seen Come Fly With Me where she gets asked, why do I like Disney?

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  Well, because I'm a bit thick, really. That's what I always think of. Why is it you like Disney?

• 26:49Speaker 03

  Because it unlocks childhood memories.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Well, I know someone really close to me who likes Disney, but she had a lot of childhood trauma.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  Well, everyone has trauma. Some of us deal with it.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  Disney makes you feel happy.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  It does. I can't, well, I've told you I'm going to do, it's why I've only extended, thank you for mentioning it, it's why I've only extended for one week, um, for Titanic.

• 27:08Speaker 02

  Oh, he did ask me, darling, would you mention I've been extended on Titanic for a week and not me? But yeah, you, you, you're doing an extra week, aren't you?

• 27:15Speaker 03

  And can I just say thank you to the Jean Divas who all messaged me because I think on this podcast previously I had said, and you had said, what happens if they want to extend you? And I said, no, I'm going on holiday. And then when it was announced I was extending, that my DMs were flooded with, what about your holiday? It's the week after.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 27:30Speaker 03

  So I'm okay.

• 27:30Speaker 02

  He's not missing Disneyland Paris.

• 27:32Speaker 03

  No.

• 27:32Speaker 02

  Oh, why don't you go on a proper holiday, a flying flop one?

• 27:36Speaker 03

  Because I did that a few weeks ago.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you've worked hard, you need a rest.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  I know, well, I know, well, this is all.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  How long are you going for?

• 27:41Speaker 03

  To Disney Paris, three nights.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Is that it?

• 27:44Speaker 03

  We're doing Paris beforehand, just us, and then we are meeting others.

• 27:48Speaker 02

  I still need to go to Paris. A lot of people say they don't like Paris. No offence to the French.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, but, okay, I don't, I don't think the French need to take offence at that, but, um, you would like Paris. I'll show you Paris.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  Show me your Paris.

• 28:03Speaker 03

  I'll paint you like one of my French girls. Everything's a reference. This is from Katie. Dear William Jordan, producer Ben and the Sexton team, long time loyal Jean Diva here, coming to you in desperate need of your wisdom. For the past two years, I have lived beneath a woman I know only as the Wood Butcher. At all hours of the day and at deeply questionable hours of the night, she can be heard hammering, drilling, banging, scraping, dropping and generally behaving as though she's involved in the production of a prime time home renovation programme, being filmed live above my head. The epicentre of these activities is unfortunately almost directly above my bedroom. Over time, this has transformed me from a fairly relaxed and reasonable person into someone who can sit bolt upright at the sound of a distant cupboard closing three floors away. I now sleep with earplugs in because I have developed the hearing abilities of a nervous woodland animal.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  To make matters worse, once her daily carpentry shift has concluded, she often flaps a sheet over her balcony. Sharing my balcony was what appears to be the by-product of her latest woodworking project. Naturally, quite a few neighbours from various floors have complained about the noise and her responses are always the same. She's apparently chopping chicken. Now, I'm no expert, but I have cooked a fair amount of chicken in my lifetime.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  This to go and get a freaking warehouse or a, a, a studio?

• 29:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, never once needed a power drill.

• 29:13Speaker 02

  People are so selfish.

• 29:14Speaker 03

  However, fate has a wicked sense of humour. I've just been offered the apartment directly above her, which brings me to my dilemma. The reason I'm wanting to move apartments is in large part to escape the wood butcher and her industrial poultry operation. As a decent person, I know that revenge is wrong, but as a tired person who has spent the past couple of years being startled awake, I feel there should be exceptions. Would it be terribly bad etiquette to suddenly develop an enthusiasm for step aerobics at 5am? Would a mini trampoline be considered excessive? If I dragged a dining chair across the floor for no discernible reason at 11pm, would that be frowned upon? Should anyone complain, I would of course respond with a universally accepted explanation: I'm chopping chicken. William, how does one seek justice without becoming a vigilante? Equally, if you can think of any more other subtle ways of annoying her, your suggestions would be most welcome.

• 29:59Speaker 03

  Yours faithfully, a future upstairs neighbour and part-time poultry processor. What a lovely question.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  Well, I, I wouldn't be subtle about it. When she starts banging, I'd get on my platform shields, now that I've got any. I'd start moving furniture around and I would bang on those floors like Armageddon's about to happen. That's what I'd do. I would, that's how I'd get back at her. And when they do start making noise, I used to do this, not wrong with a broom on the top of a broom on the roof.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, but don't interest your ceiling. It sounds like it's a rented apartment.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  Because people don't realise, I am so lucky that I don't have noisy neighbours.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  I'm saying this only, having neighbours that aren't noisy is an actual blessing. It can ruin your life.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  Can do. So I'm, I am with you and I sort of, I, I get where Jordan's coming from. I get where you are coming from, Anonymous. There is a great temptation to get your own back. Working on the assumption that once you move flats, um, and you thus don't hear the chopping of the chicken anymore, I think you just probably, now you're tempted to be passive aggressive and get your own back, but actually, once you move, you might just go, whatever.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Sub that.

• 31:09Speaker 02

  Get banging when she starts banging. I have a massive orgy. Even if you're not into that, just say, my house is free. Go for it. Make as much noise as you want. I'll nip.

• 31:19Speaker 03

  I think you've got to do all your banging in whatever word.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  Have a massive gangbang.

• 31:24Speaker 03

  How noisy are they?

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Well, I can imagine being noisy.

• 31:28Speaker 03

  Can you?

• 31:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  But I would say it would depend. You'd have to do it when she's not making noise, because if you're doing it when she is making noise, you won't hear it, because she's making noise. So you've got to do it in the gaps.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  What's she doing chopping? What are they? Go and get a workout.

• 31:42Speaker 03

  I would say more the flicking stuff. I would flick stuff onto her balcony.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  Oh, that'd annoy you more.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  That would annoy me.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  Than the night, than the night.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  Sort of what you're doing, I mean, it's annoying. Don't get me wrong, but it is half of me saying it is in the privacy of your own home. But the flicking things onto your balcony, that would annoy me more. This is from anonymous. Etiquette help, please. That goes straight in. I'm going to a wedding next year. My son is the lucky page boy. Proper top hat and tails job for him.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Oh, I know where this is going.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  It is a family member of my partner who I really get on with. The rest, not so much. Real life, Mrs. Bouquet, the lot of them. I haven't been to a wedding in years. It's a church wedding followed by cricket club reception. Proper northern wedding.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Oh, sounds great.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  How posh does one dress for this type of wedding? Do I wear a fascinator or is this not enough? I don't want to be judged by the family, which will happen anyway. Keep me anonymous.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  I mean, we're not Nathanda rolls, what they're called.

• 32:34Speaker 03

  Nath- can't say it. Say it again.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  Nathanda rolls. What they're called.

• 32:39Speaker 03

  I can't say it because I can hear you.

• 32:41Speaker 02

  We're not.

• 32:42Speaker 03

  Neanderthals.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  We're not Neanderthals. We do scrub up well up north and we do wear fascinators. I would ask around.

• 32:48Speaker 03

  You look gorgeous in that one at your mum's sixtieth, to be fair.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  I would ask around and ask other family members, just on a WhatsApp, not in a group, just say, are you wearing a fascinator? Would it be all right to wear a fascinator? Ask around. I'm doing it this weekend at the wedding.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  And are you wearing a fascinator?

• 33:03Speaker 02

  I'm like, are we wearing a tie or not?

• 33:05Speaker 03

  I hope so.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  I'm, the general consensus is no one's wearing a tie.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  Why don't you go wearing a tie? Then you can always whip it off.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Well, I might have got wearing a tie. Um, but yeah, I would ask around to just say, are you wearing a little fascinator? What are you wearing this weekend? Jeans and an arse top. You can't wear jeans and arse top for a wedding, can you? I'll wear a dress. Got a new dress for Mark's, but Mark's, yeah, just ask around.

• 33:26Speaker 03

  Or.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  You can never, you can never overdress as well.

• 33:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. It's better to be overdressed than underdressed. I would take Jordan's advice, but just ask, ask the hosts. What's the mother of the bride or the mother of the groom wearing?

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Ask around.

• 33:37Speaker 03

  Are they wearing a hat? Are they wearing a fascinator or nothing at all? And then you can take the lead from them because if they're wearing a hat, then I would go down the hat route rather than the fascinator route. Is what I would say. Just ask.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  How long have you been married now?

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Coming up for four years.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Jesus, was that four years ago?

• 33:50Speaker 03

  Was, yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Could do that.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  That's, that's, if, if someone says, someone Northerner says to you, good do, it means that were really good. Oh, that were a good do, weren't it?

• 34:01Speaker 03

  I'm very flattered.

• 34:02Speaker 02

  We always talk about when we went to Haydock Races, twenty nineteen.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Similar to my wedding.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  And we all say, that were a good do that. It was just a really good day. Really good day. Right, good day. Yeah, yours were a good day.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 34:15Speaker 02

  It really could do.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  We loved it. It's very nice. Highly recommend. This is from Scott. Dear William and Jordan, I'm in dire need of your advice. My brother and I are planning my mum's sixtieth birthday party.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  Oh, you've come to the right place. We've just done mine.

• 34:27Speaker 03

  With a, your mother's, with help of a friend of mine. We've got a cake and balloons sorted.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  So you need?

• 34:33Speaker 03

  What cake was Wendy's just incidentally? What flavour?

• 34:38Speaker 02

  Cake?

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Cake flavour, lovely.

• 34:39Speaker 02

  Cake. It were nice though.

• 34:41Speaker 03

  The problem is my mum's friend. She's trying to take over. She's ordered decorations, balloons and more. Again, I've seen jokes, I'm not going to do. She's ordered decorations, balloons and more that don't fit the vibe. They're honestly tacky, for example, champagne bottle balloons.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  What's wrong with them? That's what we had.

• 35:01Speaker 02

  Do you know, some people are right snobby. Wendy's, I'll show you, Wendy at Kitchen, right, nice.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  How do I tell her to politely back off? My friend and fellow G and D is organising the balloons through her party planner cousin and is understandably annoyed about my mum's friend's actions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. You're sincerely Scott.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Maybe your mum's friend has been planted there by your mum and they'll know it just as well. I think you're gonna have to accommodate her.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  I would say find her something to do.

• 35:30Speaker 02

  Just.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  And say, look, we've already got balloons, we've already bought them. Thank you.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  Don't waste your money.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Don't waste your money.

• 35:36Speaker 02

  We don't want you wasting your money.

• 35:37Speaker 03

  I tell you what, could you bring the napkins?

• 35:39Speaker 02

  Or could you do the cake?

• 35:41Speaker 03

  Give her, just find something.

• 35:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a good one. If it's really that bad.

• 35:44Speaker 03

  I don't think it's just the balloons. She's trying to take over everything.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  That's where I'd go. Thank you. We're organising this. I think you'd be quite firm about it. I really appreciate how, but we are organising it. It's all under control, but could you please bring the napkins?

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:56Speaker 03

  Or the tonic water or something.

• 35:58Speaker 02

  All right.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Give her something to do. This is from Lucy. Good afternoon, William, Jordan, Diego and EPB and the rest of the texted team. I've been listening to the podcast for nearly three years. After one of my clients mentioned she listens to your show during her nail appointment. Safe to say, I was hooked and have recently found that another client is also a fan, so we can often talk about your show during her appointment.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  This is amazing.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  We both agree the luxury podcast one was brilliant. Thank you.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  Oh, the crossover?

• 36:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:26Speaker 02

  More in general, you're saying the luxury podcast is better.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  We'll never know. I have an etiquette question for William. When it comes to hanging out the washing, I'd like to know, should I use plastic pegs or wooden pegs? Uh, wooden pegs are more sustainable.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Do you know my grandma used to cover her knickers up with a tea towel?

• 36:42Speaker 03

  I love that.

• 36:43Speaker 02

  She was so cute.

• 36:45Speaker 03

  That is sweet.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  Have you ever told that before?

• 36:47Speaker 03

  No.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  She put it in the backyard. And honestly, this, and the backyard had a toilet outside. She was proper old, long drop.

• 36:56Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  She's, I'd never, I'd never used it, but she said, you have a shed. She said, you'd wait five minutes to hit plop. It's called a long drop. Anyway, um.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  But she used to cover her knickers up with tea towels. How cute is that?

• 37:11Speaker 03

  You see, that's sophisticated.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  I think that's nice. We don't all need to see what goes on next.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  But I don't think it matters. Oh, and she had a little penny that she used to put her pegs in at front.

• 37:20Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  And she used to keep her pegs in front there, but I don't think it matters, wooden or plastic.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Should I leave pegs on the line? There's more pegging chat. I would.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  This is the pegging chat I'm here for. Don't always have to be rude, producers.

• 37:34Speaker 03

  Um, no, I wouldn't because I think then the weather erodes them and particularly the metal hinge. So I would keep them in a bag and probably inside.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  I'm gonna cry thinking of my grandma and a penny.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Tell you what, will make you cry. That woman on the train from Belfast to Dublin pegging out her laundry.

• 37:49Speaker 02

  I'm actually gonna cry thinking of my grandma and a penny.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  Should it be packed away?

• 37:53Speaker 02

  I do hope to go and have a brew here.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Right, just give me a minute. Actually gonna cry at my grandma in a pity, what is fucking wrong with me?

• 38:02Speaker 03

  Should it be packed away when it's not in use? That's the worthy gig.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  Uh, yes, I would say so.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  I'm actually crying at the grandma in a pity, what is wrong with me?

• 38:11Speaker 03

  Bless you.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Go on, carry on.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  I work from home and sometimes if it's a nice day, I have to have my washing out. Having three kids, it needs to be done. My clients will see my washing, so should my washing be out when I have clients? Or does this look unprofessional? Should knickers be on the inside of the washing line? Well, there we go. Use a Jordan's late grandmother's technique. Put a tea towel or something over them.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Tea towel over.

• 38:31Speaker 03

  I absolutely love the podcast. It's the only one I can listen to over again. Um, in terms of, if you are working from home and you're operating your nail, um, spa from home, there is that. I mean, you could close the curtains or put some sort of a Venetian blind so you can angle it so people aren't looking out on your washing.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:48Speaker 03

  But, you know, it's your home. It's one of the sort of pros and cons of working from home.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  We'll put this up on the, um, carousel on Instagram. And if any G and D'v'ers wanna scroll down, my very first Instagram post was my best mate's, uh, dad's undies on the washing line. I just thought it'd be funny.

• 39:07Speaker 03

  That was your first? I wonder what, is there a way to find out?

• 39:10Speaker 02

  It's my very first post. I can't be arse scrolling, but if you scroll right down, it was.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  On your profile, it won't take long.

• 39:19Speaker 02

  To be fair, I posted that.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, you hardly post that much.

• 39:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:22Speaker 03

  I don't wanna be rude, but like, some people do, some people don't.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, so.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  But there must be a way on archive to find and to go.

• 39:28Speaker 02

  But we'll find it. It was my very first post. I think it was like, big Dave's undies hashtag. Anyway. Um, but you, you, you think you need to, you can leave the pegs on the line, can't you? But.

• 39:39Speaker 03

  Um, no, I wouldn't. I'd take them out. I think A, it'll look messy. You're also gonna collapse the, uh, washing line when you're not using it and sheath it. But also the, the, the moisture will get to the, the, the joints.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  Do you know how much washing I've done in this heatwave? It's, it's been a, I've honestly, I've got an empty, there's nothing that makes me happier than an empty wash basket. I'm do, I'm getting through loads and loads. It's great. Put washing in. It's done in an hour. It's dry. Oh, it's fantastic. It's one good thing about it. And have you seen that game they do in Australia? Where they pin wine bags to the wash, washing lines?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  I have seen that, yeah.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  If they do, what's it called? Those spinny ones?

• 40:18Speaker 03

  Worthy gigs.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Is that what they're called?

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. They might be called, they could probably be called, you know, dingos or something in Australia.

• 40:25Speaker 04

  It's called Goon of Fortune.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  That's the bit, that's it.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  Goon of Fortune.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Goon of Fortune. Don't Google that.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  No. This is from Ellie. It's our final one. Dear William and Jordan, I hope to never have to deal with this particular etiquette dilemma again, but in the unlikely chance that someone else experiences this, I want to ask your honest advice.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  It's gonna be a rude one, innit?

• 40:43Speaker 03

  What is the etiquette for communicating appropriately with your sexual partner in the following situation? You're looking forward to a bit of adult fun and decide to have a small douche for the benefit of all involved. However, your tap quickly takes quite a long time to run hot, so rather than using cold water and delay everything, you use cooled water from the kettle.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Hang on, are you, do you use hot wa, are you meant to use hot water to douche?

• 41:06Speaker 03

  Warm.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  Oh yeah?

• 41:08Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  However, you don't quite appreciate how little the kettle has cooled, and it only hits you how hot the water is at the point that it hits you inside. There was no long-term damage done, a bit like scolding your tongue unexpectedly with a hot cup of tea. All okay in about an hour, but it definitely put a stop to the evening. So my question is this, how do you communicate with your intimate partner that Congress is now off the cards due to the fact that you have scolded your back passage? Many thanks and best wishes, Ellie.

• 41:37Speaker 02

  You're not getting any tonight. I've Scalded my arsehole douche in. We'll watch something on the telly. Done.

• 41:43Speaker 03

  That's how you do it in the north.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Blunt, to the point. Put them in the place.

• 41:48Speaker 03

  Could we give it an hour?

• 41:49Speaker 02

  I was up for it, but I've Scalded the inside of my arse and we're not doing it now.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  I fancied something hot inside me and I took that rather literally.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  But it's, I'm assuming Ellie's a girl?

• 41:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 41:59Speaker 02

  Which could have done front well.

• 42:01Speaker 03

  Maybe she didn't want to. Could be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't want to. But yeah, I don't, I wouldn't, Ellie, I know your hot tap takes a while to get hot. Please be careful. Don't use kettle water, everybody, whether you think it's cool or not, because exactly, also do the elbow, like test to stick your finger in.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  The water.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  I'm glad you cleared that one up. Thank you for your questions, Dallemers. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player, and you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. Alls you gotta do is head to YouTube and search for Sexted. We will see you on Friday. Goodbye.

• 42:42Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

• 42:51Speaker 07

  I'm Claire Buckley and this Halloween on my podcast Pretty Scary, we are going to cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts and aliens. Plus, the scariest movies to watch this spooky season with the lights off. So, as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window. It's probably just the cat, right? Get the candles lit and search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.