Help He’s Got A P*ss Lolly | And Roleplaying As Old Ladies

Every now and again, we receive a very specific kind of dilemma that stops us mid-sentence. Your watermelon dilemmas. Your shoebox dilemmas. Your WOLFBAGGING dilemmas. Well, we’ve got another one to add to the list! The boys also discuss the differences between buying a Chinese takeaway in the North and South and have a go roleplaying as old ladies. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:58Speaker 01

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• 1:28Speaker 02

  How times have changed. It used to be me that was always nursing a hangover on this podcast.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  I'm not nursing a hangover. I just didn't feel great this morning, but I'm fine now. Cup of, cup of coffee and I was absolutely fine.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  All I was gonna say is the phrase, pistols in the snow.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  What? What does that mean?

• 1:48Speaker 02

  Two pistols in the snow. It's what your eyes look like this morning, love.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  Right. I mean, I'm wearing heavy foundation, so I would say it's terracotta snow.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  It's just this, this, this new William I'm here for.

• 2:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay, well, that's nice. I'm fine now.

• 2:06Speaker 02

  Living your best life.

• 2:07Speaker 03

  I don't have a problem.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas like how to tell your partner you don't want his friends sleeping on yourself for all weekend, or what's the best way of showing your best friend a fanny for the first time, and what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss. But we're not your usual fellatio fellas, are we, William Hanson?

• 2:42Speaker 03

  No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more delicate Lunchables, you're more out of date Lunchables.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Oh, good one.

• 2:49Speaker 03

  That's from Daniel.

• 2:50Speaker 02

  Oh, I do ought to have some Lunchables now.

• 2:52Speaker 03

  What are they? Are they the sort of the things that you build your own little sort of cracker and ham and cheese?

• 2:58Speaker 02

  Yeah. My, my mum sometimes used to put them in my booty box, or if she like couldn't be arsed cooking, we'd just have Lunchables.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Can I ask, is booty box, is that a euphemism?

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Lunchbox.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  That's an northern euphemism.

• 3:09Speaker 02

  She'd call it your booty box, or your bake box.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  You shove my Lunchable up your...

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Oh, I'd love to make a little Lunchable. Highly processed meal, but never did me any harm.

• 3:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, you sure?

• 3:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, so.

• 3:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  I guess he's getting a Lunchable on the way home today. I'm gonna get a Lunchable.

• 3:26Speaker 03

  It's three o'clock.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  I'm gonna get, I know, I've got a bloody...

• 3:29Speaker 03

  Where do you get them?

• 3:31Speaker 02

  They're just in shops and stuff.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Just like...

• 3:35Speaker 03

  I've never seen them.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  But I'll look for them next time in Waitrose. We'll have a look. I'm sure they're there. Shelves of them, probably. Right, let's do our toast.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Yes. Hey, I had quite a stressful week. I come home and had a vodka tonic the other day.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  It's not like, because you know I don't drink at week. I'll have a bonnet, obviously, when we record. So me and you are just like full on pissheads these days, aren't we?

• 4:00Speaker 03

  What's gone, what's gone wrong? Why did you have a vodka tonic?

• 4:02Speaker 02

  Oh, not wrong. It's just, you know, when sometimes I come home...

• 4:04Speaker 03

  What do you mean now wrong? You've literally just told me you've had a stressful week and you've had a vodka tonic the other week.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  I just got home and thought... I'm gonna have a vodka tonic. It really took edge off. Do you know what? I know you're not meant to say this. Vodka's great. Vodka's really underrated. You know, I love my whisky, but a vodka.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Well, I've never tried it. Well, I know, I think I have tried it actually, to be fair, but anyway.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  You don't have it in your house, clearly.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  No, no, I still don't have it. This week's toast goes out to Effie, who messaged in saying that she's just given birth to a lovely little girl at the end of the month. And after hearing you shout out Zofia, who works behind the scenes on the podcast, we completely fell in love with the name. So we've named our daughter Zofia after hearing it on the podcast.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Oh, and let me tell you, if your daughter turns out anywhere near as good and as nice as our Zofia.

• 4:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, run for your life.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  No, I was being nice then. It's one of the nicest people I've ever worked with.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  You're in for luck, so it's a good omen.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  It is a good omen. She continues, so yes, you have now influenced the legal name, naming of a human. Thank you so much for all you do. You honestly have helped me get through my pregnancy with laughs and much needed distraction when I really didn't want to work. My first night out as a mummy will be at your Manchester Live show.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  And I honestly can't wait. Effie. Well, Effie, this is to you and to Zofia too. That has been produced. Zofia, would you like to say anything? Yeah, what an honour. What an honour, Zofia says. That's very nice.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's really lovely. And that's exactly what our tour's gonna be, a night out.

• 5:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  It's a big night out. Six weeks away.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  I know. Yes. We've got another costume fitting after this. I'm so excited.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  We've got another, we've got another costume fitting after this.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, but oh, anyway.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  What, what, what?

• 5:43Speaker 03

  No, because I don't think you understand the art that is going into the costumes, Jordan. You can't just, you know, previous tours we've done, you know, when we were in the Moth Club in Hackney.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  Just get it from Amazon.

• 5:51Speaker 03

  Any old crap from Amazon would do. You know, we're doing it really, you can't, you can't.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  I just think you're going slightly over budget and over the tour.

• 6:02Speaker 03

  As creative director, it is my response.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  Cool, creative director.

• 6:04Speaker 03

  Actually, on that, someone wrote in to say, actually, grammatically, it should be creative co-director.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  Creative co-director.

• 6:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. But anyway, you're not, so it doesn't really matter.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  The, the, this costume, how long are you gonna have it on for? Four minutes?

• 6:17Speaker 03

  If I can, I'm going to try and see if I can stretch to 10.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 6:21Speaker 03

  And then, of course.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  Great.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  I'll stop myself there. You all right?

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. How's your week been? What's been going on?

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Well, let's talk about the weekend because there I was, Mikey and I were moving bedrooms. Because we now have our, in our house, we now have two beds in our house. And

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Two beds, one. Very camp sofa.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, we'll come on to the sofa, as it were. And we're trying not to because it's new. Anyway.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  It's the same gags for seven years and it still works. It still works.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Nearly eight. Do you know we're going to turn eight whilst we're on tour?

• 6:56Speaker 02

  Oh, amazing. Amazing.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Anyway, yes, we were moving bedrooms and I was on my knees putting the, putting my socks in the, in the chest of drawers that we have in that bedroom, having brought them downstairs. And I get FaceTimed Jordan North. What?

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Carry on.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  On a Saturday. Well, no, was it, was it, no, it was a Saturday.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  It was a Saturday.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Sat about two o'clock.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Long story cut short, I had two.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  No, can I? Okay. So I answered the, I answered the phone. Jordan's there in an apron, which said something on it like picky tea or something. Yeah. And not, so, and you look very animated. I was like, oh, this is nice. Hello. And then he turns the camera. And sitting there are two drag queens around your kitchen table.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I had two drag queens in my kitchen at the weekend. I can't.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  And I thought, I don't like Wendy's new hair.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Clip that up. I'll send it. She'll, oh, he's a cheeky bastard, isn't he? Oh, I'll swing for him one of these days, but just clip that up. She'll love it. And she'll send it all to me. It's, oh, I'll swing for him. I had two drag queens in my house this weekend. I can't really go into why.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  They've all been there.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  But I was, I was filming something. I was filming a pilot and something quite exciting.

• 8:10Speaker 03

  BA or research.

• 8:12Speaker 02

  One of them said to me, one of the beautiful drag queens. Said to me.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  By the way, I went on a date with William.

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  Eleven years ago.

• 8:21Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. That's just to point out, Mike and I have been together 10 years.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  In in Manchester.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  So I was like, no way.

• 8:27Speaker 03

  It was quite the.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  I so I was like, I've got to ring him. I'm like, aye, aye. And he's like, what are you ringing me for on a Saturday? And I went, do you recognise this? And you went, no.

• 8:34Speaker 03

  Funny enough, no.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  Because obviously, when they went on the date, the the drag queen wasn't in drag.

• 8:39Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  But then you did recognise, yeah.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  Yes, once, once I knew their actual name, that I knew them 11 years ago, I was like, oh, well, yes, of course.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna, it was a producer's idea to ring you. I'm like, we never caught, speak to each other.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  No, that's why I was like, God, what's happened?

• 8:53Speaker 02

  Who's died?

• 8:54Speaker 03

  Um, but no, it was lovely to see them again. Very nice. They're clearly doing very well.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Which is lovely. I should have said when they said, my name is, you know, let's call them Bob. Oh, but of course, I don't need, done something with, different with your hair, is what I should have said.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  You're a bit shocked. And you were in your scruffs.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  I was in my House of K T-shirt with my hair undone on the knees in the bedroom. It's a standard Saturday afternoon. Um, but yeah, I wasn't expecting to be filmed, so I'm glad that'll be cut. Um, but yeah, no, it was, it was very random.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  He was the, the guy I went on the date with, your new friend, the drag queen. And I said this to Mikey afterwards, because Mikey was sort of in the background and sort of was looking at me going, what? I was like, you know, I dated people.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  You know, I get jealous, John. I've always been jealous type. And then you put some bloody drag queen on. I thought I'm gonna thump him. I'll bloody thump him. I've always been jealous. I'm very possessive, very possessive.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  I said to him, I said, generally, and this, I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to be emotional because I'm not Spanish, but I, I said to, to Mikey, I said, this Bob was one of about three people that I dated. Leading up to Mikey and I getting together. And Mikey and I were very good friends at this point. And I just sat across the date going, well, you're very nice, but you're not Mikey, generally.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Oh, that's really sweet. Oh, that's very sweet. Did you shag him at least?

• 10:09Speaker 03

  Mikey?

• 10:10Speaker 02

  No, the date.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  I'm not going into that.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  Fads.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  Fads.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  No, I literally didn't go into that. That's what you said, that, yeah. Yeah, all right. Hi, guys. Comedy timing.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Hi.

• 10:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, anyway, but it all went well?

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, went really well, yeah.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  Good, lovely. Did you try on their high heels? Because you probably begged to them.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  No, I did not.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  No?

• 10:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Okay, so now you like all that.

• 10:35Speaker 02

  How else is, how else, what else has been going on?

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Well, I'd just like to say with the sofa, and thank you for those people who've said nice things about the sofa.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  It's beautiful, it's very you.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, thanks very much, using one of my own lines on me, yeah.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Various friends have actually come over to see, see it in real life, rather than the very studio-lit, bright photograph that was shared online, and have actually gone, "Oh, actually, it's quite nice, I get it now", and indeed have lay on it or sat on it and have loved it. So they have slightly changed their opinion.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  So you've had friends that have come over just to look at your sofa?

• 11:10Speaker 03

  Well, no, I mean, I get them over.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  What, you're 60?

• 11:13Speaker 03

  A little sofa-warming party, yes. Anyway, so I'd just like to say, people are, when they see it in situ, in the room, they like it.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  I'm looking forward to seeing it. And I think it's very you, and I'm probably a tad harsh.

• 11:27Speaker 03

  It's all right, I'm used to it. A few people actually commented on our carousel last week when we were, I was feeding you the trifle on the sofa, that was obviously not the new sofa, a few people were like, "He let them eat trifle on his sofa", it's like, yeah, it was going three days later, they didn't care.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  Where's that gone?

• 11:41Speaker 03

  It's gone to Freddie.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  Oh, I like that.

• 11:44Speaker 03

  It's technically still ours, I have said, it's, it's like a piece of art in a museum, it's on loan on a semi-permanent basis, but when we need it back at some point, we'll take it back.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  I'll take that off your hands, because I don't like that sofa I've got in the kitchen, so I might, might take that off.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  It's a perfectly nice sofa. Also, I do think my sofa will be a bit too big for that space, because you've got like a two-seater and that's a three-seater.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Speaking of moving and stuff, you know, Wendy's moving house at the moment.

• 12:11Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. By the way, the, the guest list might be up to 42, Stu, thanks, bye, it's my mother, I can't say no. So.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  I can.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  You, do you know what? If you wanna-

• 12:23Speaker 03

  They can sit on the stage at this rate.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  If you wanna ring Wendy and just say the guest list is getting too out. Someone from bloody church. She don't even go to church.

• 12:32Speaker 03

  No.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Oh, they're lovely little parishers, George. And I said-

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Parishers, parishioners.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  Parishioners. She said, and I'd love, I'm like, we can't have churchgoers coming to-

• 12:41Speaker 03

  No, they don't wanna come to the show.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  But they're so lovely. And I've, I've joined, I'm a member at church now. It's only £5 for a year. I'm like-

• 12:48Speaker 03

  What, what church has she joined?

• 12:50Speaker 02

  I don't know. They're doing coach trips and stuff. She's not even 60. Anyway, not that there's anything wrong with that. Um.

• 12:56Speaker 03

  There's so much to unpack in what you've just said in that. I don't even know where to start.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  So, um, yeah, she, Wendy's moving at the moment and stuff, the guest list is-

• 13:04Speaker 03

  I didn't realise Wendy was religious.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  She's not.

• 13:06Speaker 03

  Why, why did she-

• 13:07Speaker 02

  She's moved to an area and there's a nice little church across the road.

• 13:10Speaker 03

  Right.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  Okay, well, fine. It's a community.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  She texted me, uh, last night, at the time of recording. Hiya, George. Hope you're well. I've just had fitted wardrobe man round.

• 13:22Speaker 03

  He is not on guest list. I'm just pointing that out. If this is going, can he have two tickets? No.

• 13:28Speaker 02

  He has agreed to do a £400 discount if you do a birthday video for both his daughters. Both massive fans. Sorry to be a pain. Would you be able to?

• 13:37Speaker 03

  Can I respond? Can I respond as you?

• 13:39Speaker 02

  No.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  Please.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  So, um, uh, happy birthday to, and you know me, I've got like dignity and pride and stuff.

• 13:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  So, uh, yeah, I've got to do the video message. Should I do it now or?

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, use up our time. That's actually fine.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  I'll do it, I'll do it after.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  So, yeah, um, she's got me doing that. But £400, it's quite a lot of money, yeah.

• 14:00Speaker 03

  I think we should reply, go, I'm happy to do it, but it should be £500 quid.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  No, I'm not-

• 14:04Speaker 03

  Haggle, get, save your mum some money.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Have you met my mother?

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. And if you, if you think the guest list is-

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Do I need to text her to let her know that, that there are no more guest list seats?

• 14:15Speaker 02

  I'm just gonna say between you and Stuart.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  I'm absolutely happy to text her.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  Okay. No, no, no, don't text her. Maybe we'll get you to FaceTime or something later.

• 14:23Speaker 03

  Our phone, yeah.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  No, no, don't, not now, but yeah.

• 14:26Speaker 03

  They're moving, hi Wendy, they're moving us to the Co-op Arena, which is considerably bigger, just so we can accommodate your guest list.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  We're not, by the way. We are at the, uh, AO Arena.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  Anyone and a dog who passes there?

• 14:38Speaker 03

  No.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  No, I know.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  She's too nice.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wonder where she gets it from. So, yeah.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  What do you mean you wonder where she gets it from? Do you mean?

• 14:46Speaker 02

  It's like me, she can't say no. She literally cannot say no to people.

• 14:50Speaker 03

  The boy who can't say no.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  The boy who can't say no. That's like me.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  Could be the title of your spargh if you're than Confessions of a Haphazard Idiot.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  That's gonna get published one day.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  When it's a bestseller.

• 15:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Here you laugh, laugh, laugh first, laugh, laugh.

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Stick that on a T-shirt.

• 15:08Speaker 03

  What else has been going on?

• 15:09Speaker 02

  Um, I got a Chinese on Sunday. Oh, I had a big night out on Saturday.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  Right.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  Um, my mate Adam always does it. He does a millennial night, so I went to that.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  A millennial night?

• 15:20Speaker 02

  It's really good.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Even I'm cringing.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  Nah, it's good. It's really, it's, it's a big millennial night, so I'm always.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  You'll go and pause before you speak.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  You go, how are you? I'm good, thanks. How are you?

• 15:31Speaker 03

  Oh, do you all have your ankles on the show?

• 15:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  It's really cool.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  What actually is a millennial night?

• 15:37Speaker 02

  It's a lot of Britney, you know, very butch. So I was like hungover and, um, all week, my mate on his Instagram put a picture of a Chinese. I thought, I've not had a Chinese.

• 15:49Speaker 03

  He put that on his Instagram all week?

• 15:51Speaker 02

  Well, he put it on his Instagram and all week I was thinking I'm gonna have Chinese when I'm hungover. Anyway, I'd said Chinese. It's absolutely delicious. But, um, I'm just thinking it's still in the fridge.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  And we ordered it when?

• 16:02Speaker 02

  At Sunday.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  No, don't touch.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  No.

• 16:04Speaker 03

  No.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  Is it three to four days, four max? Jack, you look like a man that would probably still eat it today, wouldn't you?

• 16:10Speaker 03

  No.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Would you not?

• 16:12Speaker 03

  And what, what actually is it?

• 16:14Speaker 02

  Uh, sweet and sour chicken, beef, uh, pad, more, what's it called?

• 16:18Speaker 03

  Kung fu beef or whatever they call it?

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Black beans, beef and black, beef and black bean sauce.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 16:24Speaker 02

  Chicken noodles.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Loads of rice and other bits.

• 16:27Speaker 03

  Don't reheat the rice.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  Um, I hate to say it, but you can tell we're in London. I said, no, we don't need to order poppadoms and that.

• 16:34Speaker 03

  Poppadoms?

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Uh, uh, prawn crackers. I said, they'll just, they bring them anyway. I said, yeah, there's no point, because back home, if you order prawn crackers, they give you a free bag anyway. Didn't get any prawn crackers. They want me to pay, they want me to pay £3.50 for prawn crackers. It's part of their deal.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  So you expected to get something for free?

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, they always do.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  You should have phoned them up and said, "Give me a free bag of prawn crackers. I'll do a birthday video for you."

• 16:58Speaker 02

  They did do chips though.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  Chinese New Year's coming up, you could do one for that.

• 17:01Speaker 02

  They did do chips though.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  Chips?

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Which we've talked about before.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  Which part of Sichuan province are chips from?

• 17:06Speaker 02

  So I had half and half and it was great. But did you not think I could have it for my tea tonight?

• 17:10Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Right, well it's Lunchables on the menu then. It is.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  No, I mean, if you're trying to get tomorrow off work, you know, tuck in. Absolutely fine. But, oh, he's thinking about it now. He's got a bad show planned.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:25Speaker 03

  I mean, don't have it and pretend you ate it and then, you know, Bob's your uncle, Fan is your aunt.

• 17:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:30Speaker 03

  Another Fanny. Another Fanny for the list.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  Full of Fanny, you know, this podcast.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  Let me tell you, I'm developing something related to Fanny. That's all I'll say. Fanny and me are going to be synonymous at some point.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 17:43Speaker 03

  I sort of mentioned it last week, but, you know, we are actually, Stu and I have been messaging.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  Oh, God. It's gonna be great. It's not, if I'm not included in this and it's something to do with the tour, I will be annoyed.

• 17:53Speaker 03

  No, no, I don't, no, no.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  Creative co-director.

• 17:56Speaker 03

  Well, don't forget him, Grant.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Thank you. What else has been going on in the world of William Hanson?

• 17:59Speaker 03

  I've got a new obsession.

• 17:59Speaker 02

  Okay, great. Hit me up.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  Have you ever had a Kit Kat?

• 18:03Speaker 02

  Have I tried a Kit Kat?

• 18:04Speaker 03

  I've never had a Kit Kat.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  I bloody love a Kit.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  Oh my God, they're amazing.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I, I've got.

• 18:09Speaker 03

  I always thought it boring. Biscuit, nah, not into it.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  No, they're the best. We're a brew.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  No, I just have them on their own.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Have it with a brew and then by the end of the afternoon suck the tea up?

• 18:17Speaker 03

  No.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  I've got a tin of Kit Kats and clubs.

• 18:19Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 18:20Speaker 02

  Do you like clubs?

• 18:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, they don't do the raisins one anymore.

• 18:23Speaker 03

  That's the best. Granny used to give us a club.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Did she?

• 18:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  So why are you into Kit Kats?

• 18:28Speaker 03

  I don't know. I just, there was one, we got some in for the, for a builder that we had in as to, and there were two left over and I needed something sweet. I went, oh, sod it, I'll have a Kit Kat. I did, I did both of them there and then in about 30 seconds.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  Four fingers?

• 18:40Speaker 03

  Yeah. And now, and now I'll do a chunky.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  I love.

• 18:45Speaker 03

  I think I prefer a chunky.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Oh, Kit Kat chunkies are way better. Yeah. Have you ever had a Kit Kat chunky peanut butter?

• 18:51Speaker 03

  No, I think you could ruin it.

• 18:52Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 18:53Speaker 03

  I think that would be too much.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  But no, I literally, I, I cannot stop thinking about them. They go on the grocery list every, like, every time we go to the supermarket. Yesterday I did two Kit Kat chunkies. Yeah, I know. And I've got that outfit to fit in for tour, so I really need to stop.

• 19:09Speaker 02

  Get on the baby bells as well.

• 19:11Speaker 03

  I mean, that's a bit of a pivot from, uh, from Kit Kat.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  I'm really into those yogurts that have got fruit in them.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  Well, you do like it a bit fruity, don't you?

• 19:19Speaker 02

  You know, those yog- they're like the, they've got the chequered, what are they called, Jack? The brand? Got like the chequered lids and they've got all the fruit at the bottom. They're so good.

• 19:31Speaker 03

  Oh, I know what you mean.

• 19:32Speaker 02

  They're like the posh ones, but they run off of them.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  Is it Danon? Mm, Danon. That one. No.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  I bet you had those yogurts at school, because you were posh and rich, that had the little aliens in the middle. The Ocon ones. Ocon. The UFO ones. Yeah, Oncon.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  I don't know if we had them at school.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  The UFO ones.

• 19:50Speaker 03

  No, we sort of had, they did, there was a dairy at the back of the sports field, so they did their own, so they cultured their own yogurts.

• 19:55Speaker 02

  Bet your mum had proper Ribena in, didn't she?

• 19:58Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, my brother liked Ribena.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I can imagine.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  Uh, there was a point in my life where, because obviously water is my drink of choice generally, well, during the day. And, um, but there was a point in my life I toyed with a Five Alive. Did you ever have a Five Alive?

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:13Speaker 03

  Mm, that was quite nice.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  Bet you had proper Cocoa Pops as well, didn't you?

• 20:17Speaker 03

  I didn't really do cereal.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  Oh, did you not?

• 20:19Speaker 03

  No, I'd have a Weetabix.

• 20:20Speaker 02

  We had Choco Pops.

• 20:22Speaker 03

  Oh, was that the budget version? Yeah. Have you ever tried an Umbongo?

• 20:28Speaker 02

  I remember the advert.

• 20:30Speaker 03

  Yes, down in the gongo there is an Umbongo. I don't think we do it now.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  Probably don't think you could get away with that these days. Yeah.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  But no, Ashley likes an Umbongo. I liked a Five Alive.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Who's Ashley?

• 20:39Speaker 03

  My friend at school. I used to do retail the Bible with Beanie Bikes.

• 20:42Speaker 02

  What was a Five Alive again?

• 20:44Speaker 03

  Well, it's just five different fruits.

• 20:46Speaker 02

  Hmm. Did you, I'd remember going round to my-

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Five different fruits is like one of my dinner parties.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  I remember going round to my grandma's, like after school, and I was always hungry. She used to love the fact that I was always hungry. So she'd literally make me just an egg buddy before my tea.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  And is that, what sort of egg?

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Fried egg.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  She'd make it just fried egg, slabber it with a, honestly, like faggot mouth. Oh, but frying pan. Flicking ashen chip frying pan.

• 21:09Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Honestly, many a time I had my tea and grommals and there'd be fag ash in it. It was actually quite sweet. Right, and she'd be like, ah, and she'd make me a fried egg buttery. Uh, pop it on and she'd give it me that and that was my school. That or as she was famously known, we did a few years ago. Egg rampan.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Egg rampan, yes.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Which is on that.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  Which is what everybody in the north called it.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought it was a burning thing, but it was just my grandma's. Because do you want me to do an egg rampan? Get a bit fagging.

• 21:40Speaker 03

  God rest her soul.

• 21:41Speaker 02

  God bless her. I hope she's having a fag from where now. Making an egg buttery.

• 21:46Speaker 03

  Lovely. Um, shall we, are you?

• 21:49Speaker 04

  Before we, before we crash on.

• 21:51Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 21:51Speaker 04

  Hi guys. Can we look back to the messages that we received late last night from William? Because we mentioned it just at the top of the show, but we didn't go into detail about.

• 21:59Speaker 03

  What messages?

• 22:01Speaker 04

  Well, William, you messaged into the group saying, I'm so drunk.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  I can't really remember that.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Oh, you're such a basic bitch.

• 22:08Speaker 04

  It's like it was 2008.

• 22:09Speaker 03

  What did I say?

• 22:10Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 22:12Speaker 03

  What time did I say that?

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Can you not remember? I was probably in bed.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Um.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Hmm. That's funny because I was getting messages from Izzy because someone's unfollowed her on Instagram. And which is like, I had no idea. If you get unfollowed on Instagram as a Gen Z, Gen Z, it's like, like a relative has died. She was voice messaging, she was beside herself.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  She was. And do you know what my response to it was? I just went, help at sex with my boss at com. That was it. Thought, yeah.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  She's like, babe. Oh my God, put the feelers out. Why is this person unfollowing me? I'm like, get off me.

• 22:46Speaker 03

  Um, yeah, Stu was asking a question. You said a hundred percent. Ben sent a little emoji and I eventually responded with, lovely. I'm so drunk, guys. It's a Wednesday. Pray for me. And then, yes, okay, I have now noticed C E Y Y Y S tomorrow.

• 23:01Speaker 02

  What's that?

• 23:02Speaker 03

  Well, I think I meant to say see you tomorrow, but for whatever reason I typed Y Y Y S. See yous tomorrow. Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Can you imagine the views we get on YouTube when we stage his intervention? It's gonna be brilliant. It's gonna be so good.

• 23:17Speaker 03

  It's not an intervention.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  No, I genuinely, I'm here for it and it's good to see you enjoying yourself.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  I'm having the twenties I never had because I was too busy working.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  And creating what I have today.

• 23:28Speaker 02

  Your brand.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  My brand.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  This.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  This, yes.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  This. Shall we do a jolly joke of the week?

• 23:33Speaker 03

  Jordan, I don't think there's a power on earth that's going to stop you. Here's the jingle.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  Nice, clean, quick one for you today. This was sent from a G and Dva called Josh. Joshua Luke on Instagram. So thank you, Joshua.

• 24:05Speaker 03

  We'll give you a follow.

• 24:06Speaker 02

  A frog got his DNA tested and I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

• 24:14Speaker 05

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• 24:48Speaker 06

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• 25:20Speaker 01

  At Lowe's this Veterans Day and every day, military members, veterans and their spouses get automatic MyLowe's Rewards Silver Status Benefits. Plus 10% off eligible purchases with no annual limit. It's one way we honour and give back to those who have served and still do. Learn more and verify now at lowe's.com/military. 10% discount can't be combined with another offer. Exclusions, terms and conditions apply. Loyalty programmes subject to terms and conditions. Details at lowe's.com/terms. Subject to change.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. Today's Jolly Joke of the Week is from Josh. A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he's part Irish, part British and a tad Paul. Made me laugh. Clean, clean, clean. Leave it at that. Leave it at that and you get a 10. Leave it at that and you get a 10. Clean. Oh, what's this one? No, I've got some others, I think. Oh, some little picture. Actually, do you know what? I will leave it on that one. Always leave.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  10 out of 10 joke from Jordan North.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Always leave your listeners wanting more. Thank you.

• 26:27Speaker 03

  Now, that's how you do it every other week, okay? One, funny joke. Doesn't have to be clean.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  Maybe two, but if it doesn't quite land.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  Two if they're strong. Because so much about comedy is timing.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  And sometimes I think, you know, the timing is, is lost.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Don't know, you know, don't want to be an expert.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  All right. Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. Even if you've listened for years or you're a new listener, you can send your tales for trepidation at [email protected]. You can DM us, we're at Sex with My Boss on the socials.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  Did you say you can send your tales for trepidation?

• 27:01Speaker 02

  I don't care. Well, I probably do. I do care, but yeah, it doesn't matter. Sorry. You can DM us, we're at Sex with My Boss on the socials.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  People are pressing plus 10 at this point anyway, so it doesn't matter.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Or you can write to William in the fullness of time, promises a handwritten implying one of our luxury greeting cards with executive cell seal envelopes. The address is on the website, sexwithmyboss.com. And remember, we have no idea what's coming up. We're hearing these for the first time, just like you.

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Our first dilemma is from Andrew. Good afternoon. I've recently started listening to your podcast after watching some clips on social media. Here is the pickle that I'm in and need advice for.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  I love the word pickle.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  I am a 35-year-old male and I'm engaged to a 31-year-old female. Now, this all sounds like sunshine and rainbows. I made the decision to move in with her and her family to help her out. I've asked her many times to get a job so we can move out. She has said she is looking, but when I've looked at her email, she has no emails for job applications. She has been out of work now for eight years.

• 27:55Speaker 03

  No judgement. I go to work full time and earn a decent wage. When I get back, I find that all she has done is sit on the bed, play on her Xbox and watch Netflix. I have to do the cleaning, washing, ironing and sometimes the cooking.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  That's bitch shit.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  I have spoken to her many times regarding this and asked her to help me out financially so we can move out. But eight years later, she still hasn't looked for a job. I'm in a position where I can move out on my own and I have told her that I'm moving out. What advice could you give me on our relationship? I feel like I'm giving so much and getting nothing in return. Even when I'm there, she sits on her phone and completely ignores me. Watching TikTok or Instagram. I try to talk to her and get ignored. Would it be best for me to cut my losses and move on or keep trying? Kind regards, Andrew.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  I mean, I was, I was gonna start by saying, like, some people don't wanna work and that's fine, like, cause I've got a friend whose, um, other half has stopped working.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 02

  And he's like, look, we took a hit financially, but for the house, for the kids, it's so much better. And don't forget, I'm not gonna get in a rant here and go all, like, political, but, you know, the, the 40 hour week was meant to be for one person household income, but now, such as that time we live in, you need two people to go out and work to have a comfortable life, which is fine, I get. But I was gonna start by saying, my friend, um, his other half stopped working about six months ago, said, yeah, look, we took a hit financially, certain things can't do, but house is great, she's less stressed, kids get picked up, we're not rushing around to put the kids up and stuff. It's gonna be for a few years till they're both in school full time. Great.

• 29:30Speaker 02

  I was gonna say that, but this doesn't sound like it's a fair, I mean, at the least, you know, you could be doing the house and stuff.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  What tipped it for me, because my, as I was reading that, my advice I was going to give changed is, um, even when I'm there, she sits on her phone and completely ignores me watching TikTok or Instagram. Andrew, what the hell are you doing?

• 29:51Speaker 02

  I think you need to cut your losses.

• 29:52Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I'm, I'm, look, it's completely your decision. You're not getting anything from this relationship. Certainly not based on the evidence that you have given us. Maybe there's something that you haven't written that you're getting, but my hunch is you're not getting anything. Whilst she's still 35.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  I would, I know what I'd do.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  Unless she's an absolute cracking shag.

• 30:12Speaker 03

  No, I knew you were going to say that.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  That's where my mind went. And many people listening are thinking the same. Unless she's the best shag of your life.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  Do you know what? My gut is she won't be.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Well, anyway.

• 30:22Speaker 03

  Now I'm an expert on planning.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Or, or, or before a big final decision, everything you've stated in this letter, you, you say to her, look.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Play her the podcast.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. And just be like, I think we need to start.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  This is, it, there's always going to be a bit of an imbalance in a relationship in certain bits, but you, you need, what are you getting from this relationship? You're not getting money. Fine. Not the be all and end all. You're not even getting attention. You probably have tried to talk to her, but if she's not giving you the attention, she's not listening because she's too obsessed about Instagram and TikTok.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  And you could try making changes and little ones. I've started last week. Um, when I get home now, I'll put my phone up in the bedroom.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  Oh, do you?

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 03

  You're in the bedroom as well, but yeah.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  No, I'll put my phone up in the bedroom and then I've got like a good hour, an hour and a half to have my tea, watch a bit of telly. I'll be distracted.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Lovely.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Switch one screen for another.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:19Speaker 04

  Just switch off the screen.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  If you're not bloody texting me all the time, you're sending these clips, you watch this. I'm like, well, just give me a minute. Bloody hell. It's nice to switch off.

• 31:30Speaker 04

  That's fine. We're all allowed to switch off. Um, I had a good, a good thing on, on another podcast and one of the presenters on that spoke about, um, being like having captaincy in the relationship. So like each member of the relationship would be a captain of different things. So for me, it'd be captain of everything. Um, but you need to find the balance between your, yourself and your partner. So you're each captain of like doing the dishes, doing the rubbish and one does the cooking. But in that relationship, if you've, if someone's working all the time, then that's their, their responsibility.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  Captain. Can I be a Commodore? I like that. I've been good at Commodore though. Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  You'll be a first officer.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  Me?

• 32:10Speaker 02

  No, you'll be a little, uh, what are they called?

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Deckhand.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  Poop deck.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Poop, no, the poop deck is a part of a ship.

• 32:16Speaker 02

  Oh, you'll be the deckhand, sailor boy.

• 32:19Speaker 03

  At Navy, it's actually down. Yeah, just so you know. That's the salute. Our next dilemma is from anonymous. Hi, William, Jordan and the sexted crew. I've been listening to the podcast for years and your comments make me laugh out loud on my dog walks, but I've finally got a dilemma I thought I could write in for some advice on. My husband and I went for a spa day a few weeks ago. We arranged childcare and took a day off work to treat ourselves for our birthday. However, it wasn't great, to say the least. A children's swimming lesson for an hour in the pool where we relaxed in the poolside sauna, hearing five little ducks on repeat, dirty towels with holes and mouldy shoulder stools weren't quite what we had in mind. We've complained and the hotel have promptly come back with the offer of another spa day free of charge, which we can use in the next few months. I prefer not to go again. The drive and arrangements are a bit of a faff. Plus, I don't want to be

• 33:02Speaker 03

  disappointed again. So my question is, how do I politely decline the offer and ask instead for a refund? Any advice would be much appreciated. For the best, anon. This isn't consumer hour.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Great letter, though. Go on, what'd you say? I think you just, I know this, I personally just think you're probably saying, look, it's a bit of a faff. We're really let down. We just want a refund.

• 33:21Speaker 03

  And then if they don't do that, get onto Watchdog. Which doesn't exist.

• 33:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it does.

• 33:25Speaker 03

  Does it? No, I think they hexed it. They do it in the afternoon now. Get onto Jonathan, if you live in the three counties, get onto Jonathan Vernon Smith on BBC Three Counties. Oh, he'll be on it. Yeah. I, yeah, I think you're just right, but I wouldn't go, oh, it's a bit of a faff. I would just go, no, thank you. We were very disappointed. We do not wish to return. We are seeking for other forms of compensation and put the ball in their court. But, and let, all the stuff that you say you didn't like, it's probably going to be exactly the same.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  The best thing about an email is as well, you can be really firm and to the point, because it's harder in person, but in an email, just say, no, absolutely not. We want a full refund. Thank you.

• 34:01Speaker 03

  All I would say is, did you complain on the day? Or did you complain afterwards by email? Because legally, you do need to give them the chance to

• 34:13Speaker 02

  I never knew that.

• 34:14Speaker 03

  correct something there and then. Don't be an armchair complainer when you're out the building. If you haven't given them a chance, I mean, it's not legally, but sort of, it is better if you, if you give them a chance to actually correct something. We should actually run that past Jonathan. He'd have, he'd have something to say. The next dilemma is from anonymous. Hi, William and Jordan. Recently, I went on a first date with a guy I met on a popular dating app. After a lovely dinner and many drinks, we went back to his place to carry on the fun. It wasn't long before we ended up in his bedroom, and I got the vibe pretty quickly that he was a, had a bit of a kinky side to him, which I was more than happy to encourage. After a few minutes of me performing oral on him, my date stopped me and left the room, saying he needed to go to the kitchen to fetch something.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  Assuming he was getting us another drink, I lay back on the bed and patiently waited. I was not prepared for what greeted me on his return. I don't really want to read the rest of this. It seems...

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Fucking hell, sorry.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  What?

• 35:12Speaker 03

  It seems my date's particular kink involves freezing his own urine into lollies and watching someone else suck on them at the same time as before performing oral on him.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  No, that's not a thing. Say that again. Like, Mr Frosty. He freezes his own piss.

• 35:32Speaker 03

  Yep, into lollies and watching someone else suck on them at the same time as before performing oral on him.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  Why would you wanna lick someone's piss? Why would you wanna, why would you wanna...

• 35:43Speaker 03

  Frozen or not, to be perfectly honest.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Why would you wanna make piss popsicles? I don't get this. What's, is this a thing?

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Apparently.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:52Speaker 03

  I mean, I don't want to kink shame, but some people are degenerates.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  Don't want to kink shame?

• 35:57Speaker 03

  No, but I am. "I was completely taken aback by this proposal and politely declined. Well done you. My date seemed disappointed, but he didn't push the topic and we attempted to pick up where we left off. Unsurprisingly, the mood had taken a dip, as well as his member. I ended up calling it a night and ordering an Uber home. It was quite a sight grabbing my clothes and saying goodbye to my date as he waved to me from the bed with a half-melted piss lolly sitting on his bedside table. So what is the etiquette when your date expects you to suck on a lolly made of his urine? And is that enough a reason not to see him again? He was pretty fit. Anon." Anon, pick a lane!

• 36:30Speaker 02

  I mean, if he was pretty fit, just say, "Look, I'd like to do that again, but the piss popsicles..."

• 36:34Speaker 03

  Just without the lolly.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Not for me. Not for me.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  As long as he doesn't bring out a brownie for you to try, it'll be fine.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  Was it, did it, did he make it, did it, oh, Jesus. Jesus, come on.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Would it, can, would it like an ice cube of piss, or did it have like a lolly stick in like what your mum used to make for you?

• 36:53Speaker 03

  Well presumably, otherwise you're gonna have to hold it and the heat from your hands are gonna melt it even quicker.

• 36:58Speaker 04

  I'm imagining a piss popsicle. Is it, did he also say that it was whilst fellatio? So in the mouth, it's not only.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  It gets numb, doesn't it? It gets cold.

• 37:09Speaker 03

  I don't, I don't want to go into too much detail, but a friend of mine has told me that ice, ice can be used to great effect. I have not tried it.

• 37:19Speaker 04

  What do you mean?

• 37:21Speaker 02

  If you have some ice on, in your mouth.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  In your mouth, or elsewhere.

• 37:25Speaker 02

  Or elsewhere.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  It can be quite good. We're going away next week and then we'll give it a go.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  So if someone's, if.

• 37:32Speaker 03

  Ben, you know exactly what you're doing.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  If someone's sucking you off, get them to put some ice cubes in the mouth and apparently it's, it's nice.

• 37:40Speaker 04

  So it's that, but with piss for ice?

• 37:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. So the ice bit we don't have a problem with, anything frozen, it could be a Calippo, okay? That would be fine.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  Just not, great advice.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  Okay, not the urine.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  I'll meet you halfway.

• 37:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  I'll suck on a Calippo and then suck you off.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  Exactly. Or.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  And it's piss coloured.

• 38:00Speaker 03

  Or in, in, in your case, a mini milk.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  I do love a mini milk.

• 38:06Speaker 03

  Do you like a mini milk?

• 38:07Speaker 02

  I do, I do love a mini, just the milk or the chocolate flavour.

• 38:10Speaker 03

  Not the strawberry?

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:13Speaker 04

  Could do all three.

• 38:14Speaker 02

  Plain, yeah, all three.

• 38:17Speaker 04

  Four fingers.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, I do love a mini milk.

• 38:20Speaker 03

  I haven't had a mini milk for years.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  There you go, mini milk and daily Lunchables.

• 38:24Speaker 04

  Do you not think that Calippo would be quite sticky?

• 38:28Speaker 03

  Well, I mean.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  It's better than piss though, isn't it?

• 38:31Speaker 03

  It's gonna be sticky at the end, isn't it?

• 38:32Speaker 02

  I'm gonna move this on.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  This dilemma is from Liam.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Good advice, very good advice.

• 38:36Speaker 03

  Thank you very much. I want a Calippo now.

• 38:39Speaker 04

  What was the advice?

• 38:40Speaker 02

  I want a piss lolly.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  Oh, Jordan, no you don't.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  I know, joking. The advice was meet halfway and get a.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  Do with a Calippo or a mini milk. Dear William Jordan. Yes, dear William Jordan and the team, I've been a long time listener and very excited to finally share a tale of trepidation. Over last summer, my grandmother on my father's side unfortunately suffered a bad fall, which led to some time in hospital and ultimately her passing. She lived alone, but my father spent a lot of time looking after her before and after the fall. Naturally, he was the one to take on the task of clearing her house in preparation for the next residents to move in. Alongside my sister, he came across some vintage books depicting people having a nice time in various positions. Perhaps she appreciated the artistry and camera work. When it came to finally clearing the bedroom, they also stumbled across Polaroids of her gentleman friends showing off their assets and all their glory.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 39:31Speaker 03

  I would have been quite happy never to have heard this, but I would have been really happy not to hear the last thing they found before deciding not to be so thorough. Several sexual toys, including heavy-duty cock rings.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  Fair play, go on, love.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  So my question is, what's the etiquette when you find out your late grandmother was having kinky sex right up until her death, Liam?

• 39:51Speaker 02

  I just.

• 39:52Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, we're all human beings.

• 39:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I think if you're old and you know you've not got, you're not.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Now, this is gonna be like that time you first went on This Morning and you nearly got cancelled.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, if you are of a certain age where you know, you know, he could be knocking on death's door, just have your, because you know your family are gonna have to, just have a little box that says, "If I die, do not open, but please bin."

• 40:17Speaker 03

  Well, no, because that's gonna surely make more people want to open it more.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  Because there's nothing wrong with it, but, yeah.

• 40:24Speaker 03

  What's, what, what?

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Or just have an agreement with a friend, who's like.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Doris.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  Doris, Doris will role-play.

• 40:33Speaker 03

  All right.

• 40:34Speaker 02

  You're, you're Doris.

• 40:35Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm Doris.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  And I'll be Edith.

• 40:37Speaker 03

  Edith. And hang on, which one is, um?

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Edith's the kinky one.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  And that's you.

• 40:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I'll knock on your door.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  I think Doris is also a bit kinky.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, all right.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  Give me a minute, it takes me time to get up from the chair. Hold on, I'm coming. Pressing the reclining button to push me up.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  I've got halfway, halfway to the door, I've forgotten why I got up, hold on.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Just getting borderline offensive now.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  That's just my knees.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Oh, hello Edith.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Hello Doris. Um, I just wanted to do, um, a little favor, if that's alright, my love.

• 41:17Speaker 03

  Sorry, where are you from?

• 41:19Speaker 02

  I'm a northern old lady.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 41:22Speaker 02

  And this card actually is quite good.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  So, um, I was just thinking, you know, what we cracking on a bit now?

• 41:29Speaker 03

  Come in for Ovaltine.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Oh, I'd love an Ovaltine, I'd love an Ovaltine. So, um, what it is, Brad, is, um, um, what it is, Brad, is, um, you know, when we're knocking on the desk door and it being a bit of a cold winter.

• 41:48Speaker 03

  And you said I was offensive.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm wondering if we can do a bit of a deal. Is that alright?

• 41:54Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  So I'm a bit of a kinky bitch, as you know, and a bit of a goer back in the day.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. That's why you've got those nipple tassels on.

• 42:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've got them on now, love.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  Um, and I was just thinking, if, if, if we do that, if one of us went first, I'm gonna leave you a little key and we just come in and get rid of all sex toys under bed and, uh...

• 42:14Speaker 03

  The voice is really changing.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  In, uh, in bedside table, is that alright? Is that alright? And I'll do the same for you. If you dial, come and get rid of all your dildos.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  I haven't got a dildo.

• 42:26Speaker 02

  What have you got?

• 42:27Speaker 03

  I've got some lollies in the freezer.

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Oh, right, what, so lollies to them?

• 42:32Speaker 03

  Don't lick them.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Alright, well I'll get rid of them lollies and you get rid of my sex toys and, uh, and, and...

• 42:38Speaker 03

  I'll get rid of your sex toys and you can take the pissed lollies out of my freezer.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  Ah, okay, I love me Ovaltine. Oh, whilst I'm here, you want some poppers?

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Great.

• 42:47Speaker 03

  Lovely, done.

• 42:49Speaker 02

  Perfect.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  And seen, well done.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  The accent was so good.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I look, I know we all like to imagine that we are the first generation that invented sex. We're not. Your grandparents, your parents, your uncles, your aunts, your cousins, they've all had it. They're all doing it. Some maybe more than others. Just, you know, go with it.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. I would, you know, maybe you're uncomfortable. I don't know. Yeah, I think there's, you know, it's, I get it. It's awkward, but it happens. So you shouldn't, you shouldn't be too naive. Our final dilemma is from Phoebe. Hi, William and Jordan. I'm about to move into a ground floor flat and need some help with what to do about the bedroom window. I don't want people to be able to look in. However, as William politely puts it, nets are common.

• 43:34Speaker 02

  Nets are back in.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  Hmm. What can I use instead? Or do I just have to suck it up and put a net in? I love you guys and listen to you when times are tough. Thank you for all the smiles. Shutters.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  Shutters are quite expensive. You can get them blinds now. You just measure it.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yes, there are.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  There's loads of measure it and they'll just send them.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. The blackout blinds as well.

• 43:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can go to various websites and get.

• 43:57Speaker 02

  They're not too expensive.

• 43:58Speaker 03

  No.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  No, and it's like loads of sites.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  But I get you want something, and I think on those blind websites you can get Venetian blinds. So you can still let the light in.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:08Speaker 03

  It's giving you a bit of privacy. A roller blind is obviously going to.

• 44:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, roller blind.

• 44:10Speaker 03

  Cut out the light, especially if it's blackout.

• 44:13Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 44:14Speaker 03

  But all shutters, if money's not a threat.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  Venetian blinds again.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  The ones with slats that you've got like a cord and you can, it changes the direction.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  Look, they're quite.

• 44:21Speaker 03

  And then a Roman blind is one that sort of folds up into itself.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're hard work as well.

• 44:25Speaker 03

  Are they?

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:26Speaker 03

  I'm going to get any Roman blind for the top bedroom.

• 44:28Speaker 02

  I'm not very good with blinds.

• 44:30Speaker 03

  Are you?

• 44:30Speaker 02

  No, if honest, I've got a bit of a past history of them.

• 44:34Speaker 03

  You've got, sorry. How can anyone have a past history with blinds?

• 44:37Speaker 02

  Just not the people.

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Oh, is this, is this, um.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Not the people. The bloke I helped out.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  The bloke you helped out. Is this either your taxi driver because they can see you through the window?

• 44:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, they're no, that's.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  What's your blind story?

• 44:54Speaker 02

  I just, I can't, I've always like one goes up, one goes down and I break them. I maybe I broke blinds in my bedroom as well. I pulled it and it all came down. Need to get that. I've just not very good. We cling film and blinds aren't for me.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Well, I wouldn't put cling film up your windows.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Well, no, I'm just saying.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  All right.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  And then I've got frosted windows. Apparently the driver who picks me up every morning in taxi.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, you said, I've seen you.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  So it's just like, no.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  I'd moon the window and just, you know, drive it home, as it were. Um, well, what a, what a lovely episode we've had.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Piss lollies.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  Piss lollies, blinds, sex toys and Kit Kats.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  It all goes on.

• 45:33Speaker 03

  It all goes on. Not things you want to confuse.

• 45:35Speaker 02

  Well, thank you, William.

• 45:36Speaker 03

  Well, thank you, Jordan. Oh, that's nice. You never normally thank me. That's very nice. Let's do that. Let's do a courtesy moment at the end of a Tuesday episode where we just thank each other.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  Thank you for your questions and dilemmas as well. And thank you for listening. We appreciate it. Remember.

• 45:49Speaker 03

  Yes, thank you.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  You can listen.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  And thank you, team.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  Yep. No, they don't want to say thank you.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  It's getting like a Cynthia Revo Ariana Grande in the middle of this. Uh, remember you can listen to new episodes of your Tuesday and Friday 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player and you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We will put the full episodes up every release day. All you've got to do is head to YouTube and search for Sex to Get Us on YouTube. Goodbye.

• 46:13Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

• 46:14Speaker 04

  What did the ice in your GND taste like today?

• 46:16Speaker 02

  Oh, don't then. Did you piss in the ice? Dirty cat.

• 46:29Speaker 07

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• 47:28Speaker 01

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