Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss Granny Put What In Her Eye?! | And Jordan's Superstitions About this episode The boys are touching wood in the studio as they reveal all about their own superstitions. Spolier: Jordan has loads, William has none. Elsewhere there's a Granny putting something strange in her eye at night, the boys learn that you shouldn't put duck butter in your mouth and Ben and Jordan open up their very own BJ Services.
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Transcript 0:01 Speaker 00 It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween.
0:09 Speaker 01 And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.
0:22 Speaker 00 We've got a spooky hotline caller.
0:24 Speaker 01 An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert.
0:27 Speaker 00 And your tarot card dilemmas.
0:29 Speaker 01 Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.
0:43 Speaker 02 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on and how our advice went down with you, our G and D. So you doing much this weekend?
0:57 Speaker 03 What am I doing this week? Oh, yes, we've got Mikey, well, and my niece and nephew and family coming to stay.
1:03 Speaker 02 Oh, in the spare room?
1:05 Speaker 03 Indeed, yes.
1:06 Speaker 02 You've given up a room, must be love.
1:09 Speaker 03 In fact, they'll be the first, oh, no, they won't, they'll be the second overnight guests.
1:15 Speaker 03 Don't roll your eyes.
1:16 Speaker 02 I'm not rolling my eyes.
1:17 Speaker 03 Yes, you did.
1:18 Speaker 02 I never said a word.
1:19 Speaker 03 Your face did.
1:19 Speaker 02 I've never said a word. Well, that'd be nice, nice and wholesome.
1:22 Speaker 03 Indeed, yes. So what are you doing?
1:24 Speaker 02 I've got a gardener coming around.
1:26 Speaker 03 Oh, not mine.
1:27 Speaker 02 Not a gardener.
1:28 Speaker 03 Not Monty Dong.
1:29 Speaker 02 Because I'm not fancy like you, but I'm a gardener. There's only so much you can do, so I've got.
1:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, sweep it was my suggestion.
1:36 Speaker 02 Someone coming around to like.
1:37 Speaker 03 You've got someone generally coming around to.
1:38 Speaker 02 I'm not going to pay a gardener every week because I can do that.
1:41 Speaker 03 That's ridiculous.
1:42 Speaker 02 But they're going to come around and like it needs proper doing. So I'm paying a gardener to do it.
1:48 Speaker 03 I don't want to be funny. I'm not being funny because you and I have very similar, it's all paved.
1:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, I know, but there's.
1:54 Speaker 03 It's not even a flower bed.
1:55 Speaker 02 I want all the bushes and trees. I've only got pincers.
1:59 Speaker 03 Oh, that's a proper, yeah, that's, that's a.
2:01 Speaker 02 I need them to do that. Only a couple of hours.
2:03 Speaker 03 Okay.
2:03 Speaker 02 So I'll probably watch the gardener, sit in the garden.
2:08 Speaker 02 Read me book.
2:09 Speaker 03 Don't, don't sit in the garden and watch them, that's weird.
2:11 Speaker 02 Hello, young man.
2:13 Speaker 03 That's, it's a bit creepy.
2:14 Speaker 02 Do that. And then, just a chilled one, free weekend, free and easy.
2:18 Speaker 03 Lovely.
2:18 Speaker 02 Might, might, might go out on, I'm going out on Friday, garden on Saturday.
2:25 Speaker 03 When you say you're going out, where are you going? So you're going out, out?
2:27 Speaker 02 Going out, I'm not sure. Might go, I might clap them, might go Soho, I might go back home. I've not decided yet, I've got a free weekend.
2:36 Speaker 03 Back, hang on, Clapham, Soho, or back, or Burnley? They're quite very, they're two of quite similar.
2:42 Speaker 02 See who's back, see who's out and about.
2:44 Speaker 03 Okay.
2:45 Speaker 02 You know, free weekend.
2:46 Speaker 03 Lovely.
2:47 Speaker 02 Where's your oyster?
2:48 Speaker 03 Gorgeous, well I hope you have a lovely time.
2:50 Speaker 02 Stay in and drink cans of beer and watch Footy.
2:55 Speaker 03 Well, I'm sure whatever you do, you're gonna have a lovely time.
2:57 Speaker 02 Thank you.
2:58 Speaker 03 Um, now, Jordan, you told us, maybe you could do this over your weekend, you told us about mincing through the park recently, which I declared was the gayest thing I have ever heard. So we asked our G and D'vas on socials for the most inadvertently whimsical or gay thing that they've seen or done.
3:14 Speaker 02 Okay.
3:15 Speaker 03 Suzanne said, my fifty nine year old, straight, fairly dull, said with love, husband, often whistles the tune, I feel pretty, when he's going about his daily routine.
3:25 Speaker 02 I feel.
3:26 Speaker 03 And what, what musical is that from, everyone?
3:28 Speaker 02 Pretty, oh so pretty, I feel.
3:31 Speaker 03 Pretty and witty and gay.
3:33 Speaker 02 Oh.
3:34 Speaker 03 What musical is that from?
3:35 Speaker 02 Uh, I, at Sound of Music.
3:37 Speaker 03 Oh, no.
3:38 Speaker 02 Mary Poppins?
3:38 Speaker 03 No.
3:39 Speaker 02 I feel pretty. Pretty Woman?
3:41 Speaker 03 Three words.
3:43 Speaker 02 The Pretty Woman?
3:45 Speaker 03 No. West.
3:48 Speaker 02 End story.
3:49 Speaker 03 Side story.
3:50 Speaker 02 Oh, West Side Story.
3:52 Speaker 03 Got it in for.
3:53 Speaker 02 Is that West Side Story?
3:54 Speaker 03 Yes, indeed.
3:55 Speaker 02 I watched that on a plane, I think.
3:56 Speaker 03 Oh, they redid it recently, didn't they?
3:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, Spielberg.
3:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, I haven't seen the new one. I don't actually know if I've seen the old one.
4:02 Speaker 02 With Eglhun Kunkabink, or whatever he's called.
4:06 Speaker 03 Ariana DeBose?
4:07 Speaker 02 What's he called?
4:08 Speaker 03 No, um, no, it wasn't Ariana DeBose, it was.
4:10 Speaker 02 Really good actor.
4:11 Speaker 03 Oh, sh, Evita.
4:13 Speaker 02 No.
4:13 Speaker 03 Rachel Zegler.
4:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, and the guy in it was.
4:16 Speaker 03 It's not Engelbert Humperdinck.
4:19 Speaker 04 It was.
4:20 Speaker 02 What?
4:20 Speaker 03 Ansel Elgort?
4:21 Speaker 02 Ansel Elgort, yeah.
4:23 Speaker 03 Was he in that?
4:23 Speaker 02 Hmm, was, weren't he? Yeah.
4:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, apparently, okay.
4:27 Speaker 02 I feel pretty.
4:28 Speaker 03 Jacob often has little beach walks by themselves, just skimming stones and frolicking.
4:33 Speaker 02 That's not gay.
4:35 Speaker 03 Before Jessica leaves for work, she tells her apartment that she loves it and will be back soon. It's not so much whimsical, that's more mental, probably is what I'd say for that. That is Seek Specialist Help. Jamie regularly chats to pigeons, cats and frogs. See the above comment. And Dom accidentally slipped and fell and slept with a man, then dated him. Gay.
4:57 Speaker 02 Wow, okay. So it proves that me going picking bluebells in the park is probably one of the gayest things you could do.
5:04 Speaker 03 I still think that is, compared to what we've just heard. That is pretty gay.
5:09 Speaker 02 Do you think?
5:09 Speaker 03 Yeah. Hmm.
5:13 Speaker 02 I was out last night after my tea.
5:15 Speaker 03 Were you?
5:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I didn't pick any bluebells.
5:18 Speaker 03 Blue, no, bluebells is a type of fly. You can actually probably take those home, that's fine.
5:24 Speaker 02 Bluebells. Are you allowed to pick stuff off trees?
5:29 Speaker 02 No?
5:29 Speaker 03 Women, no, like what? Fruit?
5:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, when there was a couple of leaves and stuff that looked nice.
5:36 Speaker 03 I think the odd, if the leaf falls to the ground, you can take it home.
5:39 Speaker 02 You can take conkers home and no one picks up about that.
5:41 Speaker 03 But I wouldn't strip the tree off the conker or the fruit or the leaf.
5:44 Speaker 02 There's gravestones as well.
5:45 Speaker 03 Don't take them home, no.
5:47 Speaker 02 No. But you, you don't.
5:49 Speaker 03 Make a lovely headboard.
5:50 Speaker 02 You don't walk over them, do you? It's disrespectful.
5:52 Speaker 03 Don't walk over a gravestone, no.
5:54 Speaker 02 Is it bad luck?
5:55 Speaker 03 Just disrespectful.
5:56 Speaker 02 Hmm.
5:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, imagine if you're gonna get put in the ground. I know you're probably not, you're gonna be cremated, aren't you?
6:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:03 Speaker 03 Yeah. Starting now, all those cigarettes.
6:07 Speaker 02 I don't like the thought of being in the ground, no. Go on, Ben.
6:09 Speaker 04 Are you superstitious?
6:11 Speaker 02 Very, like Stevie Wonder me, pal. Very superstitious. You know I am.
6:19 Speaker 02 Oh, you know I am. You're talking to someone here who doesn't wash clothes on New Year's Day because it.
6:23 Speaker 03 Okay, okay to wash someone out of your family.
6:24 Speaker 02 Yeah. I won't walk under ladders, I won't cross someone on stairs. I'm constantly touching wood.
6:34 Speaker 02 I am.
6:36 Speaker 03 Hmm.
6:36 Speaker 02 Uh, someone says.
6:37 Speaker 03 Are you superstitious, Ben?
6:39 Speaker 04 No, I wouldn't say so.
6:40 Speaker 02 Well, have elephants in house? Not life size, what, real ones, but the stuff we elephants on.
6:47 Speaker 03 Really?
6:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, very, there's loads.
6:50 Speaker 04 What do you mean?
6:50 Speaker 02 Shoes on table, I've talked about, I go mad when people put shoes on the table.
6:54 Speaker 03 Well, blood brothers. It's a hot point, isn't it?
6:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:57 Speaker 03 Hmm.
6:57 Speaker 02 Yeah. They said, yeah, my mum and dad are very superstitious as well.
7:01 Speaker 03 Okay.
7:02 Speaker 02 One for two, one for boy, two for, yeah. I'm saluting magpies all the time.
7:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, Mikey does that as well.
7:08 Speaker 02 Like a nutter.
7:09 Speaker 03 Honk honk, hello, Mr Magpie, how's your wife and kids? He was constantly saying that.
7:13 Speaker 04 Do you have a lucky pair of pants?
7:16 Speaker 03 I'm in them now.
7:18 Speaker 02 Depends. No, I don't really, if I'm honest.
7:23 Speaker 02 But when I go into work every day, I've got to do the same routine so I have a good show. So you're in the same door, I say hello to the security guys and then I go through the same. I've got that luck routine.
7:36 Speaker 03 Oh, and one day at work.
7:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:38 Speaker 04 Can we just quickly go back on to the elephants thing from the superstitions? Cause I still have no idea.
7:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, why is an elephant?
7:44 Speaker 02 Remember my mum got a birthday card with an elephant on and she said, bin that, get it out of house.
7:49 Speaker 03 Was it just from someone she'd fallen out with?
7:51 Speaker 02 Elephants in house are bad luck, some like elephant ornaments or something.
7:55 Speaker 04 Is that true? I can't see anything on the internet about that.
7:58 Speaker 03 If you're like in India and elephants are a symbol of, you know, prosperity.
8:02 Speaker 02 Well, I'll get, we'll get Wendy North to.
8:04 Speaker 03 Send, Wendy North could do an etiquetteology for us. Send us a voice note on why are elephants superstitions?
8:12 Speaker 02 I don't walk over three drains constantly.
8:14 Speaker 03 When do you find three drains in a row?
8:16 Speaker 02 All the frigging time, are you joking? Every street's got them on, three drains is bad luck.
8:21 Speaker 03 But, what, in a row?
8:23 Speaker 02 Crack, he'll marry a. Yeah.
8:26 Speaker 04 As you said, step on your back, you'll break your back.
8:29 Speaker 03 Step on a crack.
8:30 Speaker 02 Oh, no, that's.
8:31 Speaker 04 Step on a crack.
8:33 Speaker 02 No, I don't mean it like that, that nobody wants to break, see, touch wood.
8:37 Speaker 03 That's not wood, that's your head.
8:40 Speaker 03 Wood is the panelling, there is the panelling.
8:44 Speaker 03 Touch it whilst it's still there.
8:47 Speaker 02 Oh.
8:47 Speaker 03 Yeah. Anyway, moving on, we'll come back to elephants, maybe another time. Last week, we tried a new drink option, served at Buckingham Palace, thanks to my friend Cameron, to mark what would have been.
8:58 Speaker 02 He messaged me.
8:59 Speaker 03 Oh, I know he messaged me as well. That's why I've written it down. Would have been Queen Elizabeth's 100th birthday. It was Dubonnet, tonic water, ice, lemon, slice and rosemary.
9:08 Speaker 02 It was lovely.
9:09 Speaker 03 With or without a caterpillar from Social Joe's garden. We couldn't decide on a name at the time, so we asked for our G and D suggestions. A common suggestion was Double D.
9:18 Speaker 02 I think we call it that.
9:19 Speaker 03 For daytime Dubonnet.
9:20 Speaker 02 Double D. I'll have a Double D. Yes.
9:22 Speaker 03 Nicola suggested Royal Garden. JP suggested a back passage. I like that. It's been a long time since we've talked about my back passage, to be fair, since I moved. Bethan said it should be a Dubonnet. Quite like that.
9:37 Speaker 02 Dubonnet.
9:39 Speaker 03 Martha suggested, help, I spritzed my Dubonnet. Florian suggested Fizzy Lilibut.
9:45 Speaker 02 Oh, that's good. A fizzy lilibut.
9:47 Speaker 03 Or Fizzy Lizzy. From the Queen's more or less official nicknames.
9:53 Speaker 02 I think.
9:53 Speaker 03 Not so much Lizzy.
9:54 Speaker 02 I think we call it a fizzy Lizzy.
9:57 Speaker 03 I like fizzy.
9:58 Speaker 02 I think it's a fizzy Lizzy. That's a great name.
10:01 Speaker 03 Max and Lauren said we should call it a Dubonnet in honour of our turd dancers.
10:06 Speaker 02 Now we're done with them now.
10:07 Speaker 03 Oh, oh, wow. So brat showbiz for you.
10:12 Speaker 02 That's showbiz, lads. Sorry.
10:13 Speaker 03 I quite like calling it a Dubonnet. We can all slurp them. Natalie's idea was a Dirty Lemon, where Dirty stands for Dubonnet, ice, rosemary and tonic. Oh, a Dirt Y Lemon. Okay, I like that.
10:27 Speaker 02 I'm gonna go for Fizzy Lizzy. I think we should have.
10:29 Speaker 03 Fizzy Lizzy is good, but you know me, I'm never one to turn down Double D.
10:33 Speaker 02 Fizzy Lizzy.
10:34 Speaker 03 Hmm.
10:34 Speaker 02 I think.
10:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:35 Speaker 02 Before you do any more innuendos. And then as it's going into the summer now, can we have a few more fizzy Lizzys?
10:40 Speaker 03 Okay, I'm sure we could.
10:42 Speaker 02 I might have one at Garden this weekend. Yes. Excuse me, Mr Gardiner. Would you like a fizzy lizzy? What's a fizzy lizzy? Well, I thought you'd never ask.
10:52 Speaker 03 Lovely.
10:53 Speaker 04 Very butch.
10:53 Speaker 03 And we recently spoke about whether clapping in church was the correct thing to do from an etiquette point of view. And I said I would message, uh, your friend and mine, who I was not having an affair with, even though you thought I was at some point years ago.
11:05 Speaker 02 Vicar Tom.
11:06 Speaker 03 Vicar Tom.
11:07 Speaker 02 I remember we were, of all the places in the capital city, I walked into a restaurant, Williams there.
11:14 Speaker 03 With the vicar?
11:15 Speaker 02 With the vicar and I put two and two together and thought, oh, him and the vicar.
11:18 Speaker 03 Yeah. And of course I was going to have an affair. I came to a very busy public restaurant. I mean, come on.
11:24 Speaker 02 Hiding in plain sight.
11:25 Speaker 03 We were off to go and see David Suchet in Conversation afterwards. We were doing anything but having an affair.
11:30 Speaker 02 Were you actually?
11:31 Speaker 03 We were. We had an early dinner and then we went to go watch David Suchet.
11:34 Speaker 02 How was that?
11:35 Speaker 03 It was years ago, but it was very good.
11:36 Speaker 02 Yeah. See, this is what I mean now. I used to go and watch David Suchet in, what is it?
11:40 Speaker 03 Say that three times quickly.
11:41 Speaker 02 David Suchet in Conversation. Now you're out in freedom every bloody week.
11:48 Speaker 03 Well, anyway, I put this to the Reverend Major, Thomas Sander of St Giles in the Fields, and he has come up with, uh, with this.
11:56 Speaker 05 The Lord be with you. Thank you for your questions regarding applause. I find it a bit tiresome when people like at weddings want to applaud after every reading, you know, some teary bridesmaids struggled through a, you know, a Shakespeare's sonnet or something. And you think, oh, for goodness sake, does this really, you know, this is hardly like, you know, a globe winning performance. Does it really deserve a standing ovation from the congregation? I think that's a bit much, that level of applause. Um, but no, I think, I think sometimes applause in church is fine. I think all the time, probably a bit naff. Probably could think of other ways of expressing our, uh, adulation and affection.
12:32 Speaker 03 Well, there we go. No idea why we're friends.
12:33 Speaker 02 And you wonder why church attendance is dwindling.
12:36 Speaker 03 Actually, not in his congregation, actually.
12:38 Speaker 02 I bet it's open, is.
12:40 Speaker 03 Yes.
12:40 Speaker 02 I bet it is. With that little moustache, he knows exactly what he's doing.
12:44 Speaker 03 His congregation's rising.
12:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, bet. Best looking vicar I've ever met.
12:49 Speaker 03 Everyone was very taken with the vicar at our wedding. Yeah. When he was there as a guest, they're like, oh, it's the dishy vicar.
12:56 Speaker 02 Dishy vicar.
12:57 Speaker 03 Oh, I've since had a dishy vicar.
12:58 Speaker 02 She did. Did she fancy the vicar, do you think?
13:02 Speaker 03 The character.
13:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:03 Speaker 03 I think she fancied what he represented. I think she, the fa- I think any vicar, I don't think she necessarily saw the dishiness. Her sister, my sister Rose did, but not, it was just the fact that he was the vicar and that got her one step closer to God, is what I would say.
13:18 Speaker 02 And when you go to Christmas and stuff and then you see all the people that go to church on a Sunday, I always think, fair play to you.
13:23 Speaker 03 Hmm.
13:24 Speaker 02 And it's always nice, lovely people, genuinely.
13:26 Speaker 03 Oh, they're all lovely, yeah.
13:27 Speaker 02 They're all lovely, because they, yeah.
13:30 Speaker 03 That's the whole point, isn't it?
13:32 Speaker 02 And then my family tip up. Look, it's pub opening. Shut up, we need to do service first. It's five pound minimum for a collection plate. Just shut up and put it in.
13:42 Speaker 03 It's time for another edition, if you're ready, for the soon to be award winning feature, William Reads from Urban Dictionary.
13:48 Speaker 02 Oh, is this a thing now?
13:49 Speaker 03 Apparently it's a thing.
13:50 Speaker 02 Oh, God, what have we got today?
13:51 Speaker 03 Well, if you don't know what Urban Dictionary is, because I had no idea, it's an online dictionary where you can find out about the meanings of some of the more sordid words and phrases on the internet, such as gooning, supermanning, as we had last time, wolfbagging, they're all there.
14:08 Speaker 03 Last week it was supermanning, as I said, it was the act of lying horizontal over a bin, arms outstretched, and then urinating into said bin. Thank you for the picture, by the way. Now, we've got no idea which phrase.
14:20 Speaker 02 Got from the carousel.
14:21 Speaker 03 Yeah. No, it won't. Now we've got no idea which phrase the team has picked for us to discover today, so let's dive in. This week's word is duck butter.
14:31 Speaker 02 Duck butter. I'm thinking of duck tails.
14:35 Speaker 03 What do you think duck butter could mean?
14:38 Speaker 02 Duck butter is that.
14:41 Speaker 03 What you rub on your duck before you eat it?
14:44 Speaker 02 Duck butter is that.
14:47 Speaker 03 I mean, I did a nice red wine reduction with my duck last time I did it, but I don't think that's really duck butter.
14:52 Speaker 02 Don't this, don't clip this up for social media, but is duck butter when cum drips out?
14:59 Speaker 03 Drips out of what?
15:01 Speaker 02 An orifice.
15:03 Speaker 03 You say, it's so funny, you struggle with the word urine, but orifice you say perfectly normally.
15:08 Speaker 02 Is it where cum drips out of a hole? Yeah. Of your, of a hole. I'm just gonna go straight and put that there.
15:18 Speaker 03 We'll find out after these messages.
15:19 Speaker 02 Oh, for God's sake, is this our thing now?
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15:56 Speaker 01 Hello, I'm Joanna Fletcher.
15:58 Speaker 07 And I'm Marco Burchella.
15:59 Speaker 01 And this is Boots Off.
16:02 Speaker 07 We are friends who have spent a decade together, walking up mountains, across deserts, and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans.
16:10 Speaker 01 And something happens when you're out there, feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. The conversations just spill out of you.
16:17 Speaker 07 This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure.
16:20 Speaker 01 The adventures that lead to adversity.
16:22 Speaker 07 And how life can be one big adventure in itself.
16:25 Speaker 01 Listen every Thursday, just search for Boots Off.
16:33 Speaker 02 All right, Jean Divas, thanks for sticking with us. Sorry if you had us playing out loud then, kids in car and stuff.
16:42 Speaker 03 Probably not anymore.
16:43 Speaker 02 Before the break.
16:44 Speaker 03 And if you do still have us playing out loud and you've got sensitive ears, I may suggest, having just slightly read ahead, you may be pressed skip skip forward a bit, just on the next 30 seconds.
16:54 Speaker 02 Before the break, we were trying to figure out what this week's entry from Urban Dictionary was, and it's duck butter, so William Hanson.
17:00 Speaker 03 Now, what we could do now, because we've told them to press skip skip 30 seconds twice, so we could just talk about something completely normal now, give it a minute, and then suddenly reveal it. So when they come back in, we're there saying gooch and bumhole, which a word some bats say. The definition of duck butter is the combination of sweat from the ballsack and anus that creates a buttery film on the gooch and bumhole. This usually occurs from an unwashed scrotum, creating a smelly odor that worsens in thickness and odor by the minute. I'll use it in a sentence if you like. "After a heavy weekend away up north on a stag do, Jordan returned to London with a particularly thick layer of duck butter in his undergarments."
17:35 Speaker 02 I wasn't far. I wasn't far off.
17:38 Speaker 03 It's enough to make you sick, isn't it?
17:39 Speaker 02 Duck butter.
17:41 Speaker 03 Well, we're not going to call it that, but we've all
17:43 Speaker 02 Duck butter.
17:44 Speaker 03 We've all learnt something.
17:46 Speaker 02 So may I lick your?
17:48 Speaker 03 No.
17:49 Speaker 02 So, may I lick your duck butter?
17:54 Speaker 03 It's enough to make you vegetarian. Uh, here are the responses.
17:57 Speaker 02 Could you use that for your roast potatoes, like duck fat?
17:59 Speaker 03 Goose fat is better, yeah. Hmm.
18:02 Speaker 02 All these spuds are lovely. Yes, where did you get them from? I just, human duck butter, that love, gets them right golden.
18:09 Speaker 03 Oh, and then they have to Google it and then that will come up and make them ill.
18:12 Speaker 02 Do that next time you have a Sunday roast.
18:14 Speaker 03 Ollie wants to get
18:15 Speaker 02 Duck butter.
18:16 Speaker 03 Ollie wants to get it on the jet washing action we discussed last week. Hi, William, Jordan and the team. I wish to join Jordan and Ben's jet wash club.
18:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:23 Speaker 03 How was the first meeting? How did it go?
18:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, we've not done it yet, but because Ben doesn't actually like me or like seeing me outside of this work environment, so, but, uh, I, I am going to set up the Ben and Jordan jet washing club.
18:36 Speaker 04 You've already jet washed though.
18:38 Speaker 02 What, you've jet washed without me?
18:39 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:40 Speaker 02 You shit house, you said you were gonna do it with me.
18:42 Speaker 04 Well, William came over in the end.
18:44 Speaker 02 You better be fucking joking. You better be winding me up. I'm gonna bring my jet wash and a few beers. Just looking forward to that.
18:52 Speaker 04 You've just
18:53 Speaker 03 There's always next year.
18:54 Speaker 04 Gartner to do yours.
18:55 Speaker 02 No, I jet washed myself, thank you very much.
18:59 Speaker 03 Ollie continues, the first time I had held a jet wash, I had withdrawals afterwards.
19:03 Speaker 02 Same.
19:04 Speaker 03 I don't know how else to explain it, but something in me changed.
19:06 Speaker 02 Same, I can't describe it. It's just, it just feels so manly.
19:11 Speaker 03 And hasn't gone back. I then downloaded a jet wash simulator game and 70 hours later I completed it.
19:17 Speaker 02 Oh, you sad bastard, what's this? Send me the link. Send me the link.
19:20 Speaker 03 I've never committed to anything like this in my life. I think Jordan was right when he called it a boy thing.
19:25 Speaker 02 It is.
19:25 Speaker 03 Because apparently all it took to bring out the man in me was a machine that removes dirt from paving slabs. Years of testosterone, surgeries and growing a beard and it turns out the final form was pressure washing a patio. It's the first thing I've held that actually lets me aim and squirt with real power. Yours in cleanliness, Ollie. P S I propose the official jet wash group name be sexted and sprayed.
19:49 Speaker 02 Yes, right, sexted and sprayed, so Ollie's in it and Ben and we're gonna get together.
19:54 Speaker 03 Who's gonna come around first, Ollie or Ben?
19:55 Speaker 02 We're gonna get together in our shorts and crocs, no shirts and jet wash. We've got to do it topless.
20:01 Speaker 03 How homoerotic.
20:02 Speaker 02 There's nothing homoerotic about a load of men jet washing topless, William. That's just your dirty mind. Right? So get that out of your mind.
20:12 Speaker 03 Okay, well, on the subject of names for your jet wash.
20:14 Speaker 02 We've got to do it on a hot day though, so we're all sweaty. Okay.
20:18 Speaker 04 Think of the.
20:18 Speaker 03 Think of the dab butter.
20:21 Speaker 02 How can I get it off with my jet wash?
20:24 Speaker 02 Jet wash your dooch.
20:25 Speaker 04 Quack, quack.
20:27 Speaker 03 On.
20:28 Speaker 02 Don't put jet wash near your arsehole, it will rip it apart and not in a good way. It will literally tear you a new arsehole.
20:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's a good, where did that saying come from?
20:41 Speaker 03 I don't know, I don't know.
20:43 Speaker 02 Did, yeah, I wish to work, he said, get, get bollocks, he tore me a new arsehole. What does that mean? Anyway, that's one for you next week.
20:50 Speaker 03 That's not etiquetteology.
20:51 Speaker 02 No, that's one for, um, urban diction, everything.
20:55 Speaker 03 On this subject, Jordan, of names for your jet wash club, Argy and Divas have also suggested some of their own suggestions.
21:00 Speaker 02 Great.
21:01 Speaker 03 Freya suggested Squirtmasters.
21:04 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:04 Speaker 03 Lots of people, including Georgia, Emma, Dean and Julie, said Suds and Studs.
21:08 Speaker 02 Oh, that's.
21:09 Speaker 03 Quite fun.
21:10 Speaker 02 There's no Suds now, that's more car washing.
21:12 Speaker 03 Okay.
21:12 Speaker 02 Good suggestion.
21:13 Speaker 03 Depends what product and chemical you use. Marion had a nice corporate option, BJ Services.
21:19 Speaker 02 BJ Services, Ben and Jordan's Services. Great. This is super. Please, we jet wash with me, Dan.
21:27 Speaker 03 BJ Services will finish before you. Matt's idea was Sprinkle Sparkle Spray.
21:32 Speaker 02 That's. No, it's BJ Services, Sprinkle Sparkle Spray is the.
21:35 Speaker 03 Is the motto.
21:36 Speaker 02 Motto.
21:36 Speaker 03 Okay. Joanne suggested Scrub Daddies.
21:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's good. Scrub, BJ Services.
21:42 Speaker 03 And Jessica suggested Squirty and Co with the slogan, we make it wet.
21:46 Speaker 02 These are genius ideas.
21:48 Speaker 03 You could go with any of those.
21:49 Speaker 02 BJ Services, Marion's idea and Matt's Sprinkle Sparkle Spray.
21:55 Speaker 03 Okay, fine.
21:56 Speaker 02 That's what, that's the final one we're going for.
21:58 Speaker 03 Well, I love it.
21:59 Speaker 04 That does also open the door for other services that we could provide.
22:04 Speaker 04 Like BJ Services as the brand, like we could, it's
22:07 Speaker 02 What else is on offer Ben?
22:09 Speaker 04 That's up to us.
22:11 Speaker 02 Well, you could.
22:11 Speaker 04 But the others are limiting it towards just jet washing.
22:14 Speaker 02 We're just jet washing for now. We'll start small.
22:16 Speaker 04 But we could think about that for the future.
22:18 Speaker 02 But there's nothing gay about two boys jet washing topless on a hot sweaty day.
22:23 Speaker 03 Have you got the, um, uh, yellow one?
22:27 Speaker 02 What?
22:28 Speaker 03 The jet washer. Is it the yellow brand?
22:30 Speaker 02 No, it's Bosch, I think.
22:33 Speaker 03 What?
22:33 Speaker 02 Bosch.
22:34 Speaker 03 Does Bosch do a?
22:36 Speaker 02 I think it's Bosch.
22:37 Speaker 03 Okay.
22:37 Speaker 02 What's that my toaster maker I've just ordered?
22:40 Speaker 03 I don't know. It's, it's cur- cur-.
22:42 Speaker 04 Cartcher is the yellow.
22:44 Speaker 02 No, mine's Bosch.
22:45 Speaker 04 But there, there is Bosch Universal Aqua-Tac Pressure.
22:49 Speaker 02 I've got Aqua-Tac, the, the, the entry level one.
22:52 Speaker 04 Looks like a good, good bit of kit.
22:54 Speaker 02 Thanks, bro. Thanks. What one have you got?
22:58 Speaker 04 I borrowed mine from my stepfather in law.
23:01 Speaker 02 Find out because yours might be more powerful than mine. I might need to work my way up to it. But.
23:06 Speaker 03 Have you done your wet and forget, Ben?
23:07 Speaker 04 I've wet, yeah.
23:08 Speaker 03 Have you started? You should now just about be seeing the result.
23:12 Speaker 02 This is B and J board meeting. I, I'm going to work my way up to a more intermediate, uh, and like bigger one.
23:19 Speaker 04 Yeah, we just, at this point, we're just enter, entry.
23:22 Speaker 02 Entry level BJ's.
23:26 Speaker 02 I actually really want to start this because I can't believe how many.
23:29 Speaker 03 Jack and I can go into this. We call it HJ Services.
23:31 Speaker 02 Jack, you can come around because you're quite a manly bloke.
23:35 Speaker 02 You can make the tea. Bring out the beers. We'll put in some little denim shorts and you can tie your shirt off.
23:43 Speaker 04 We could, we could wash cars as well.
23:45 Speaker 02 Not with a jet washer.
23:47 Speaker 04 Couldn't you?
23:47 Speaker 03 You could turn the pressure down incredibly low and probably do it. Yeah.
23:50 Speaker 04 No, but that must be when you go through the machine.
23:51 Speaker 02 Oh shit, I'll do me car. Great. I'll do me car.
23:55 Speaker 04 Yeah.
23:57 Speaker 03 Claire has messaged in to suggest a new topic for us to discuss.
24:00 Speaker 02 Oh, great.
24:00 Speaker 03 Thank God. Hi, I have a new idea for a chat topic after listening to a radio show where listeners sent in their middle class injuries.
24:08 Speaker 02 This is my, we do this on Capital.
24:11 Speaker 03 Well, maybe, maybe Claire's referring to this, your radio show.
24:15 Speaker 02 Millennial injuries we do.
24:17 Speaker 03 Well, it's different from middle-class injuries. One man had ripped his shirt and cut his arm on a shelf in Waitrose while hurrying to grab avocados.
24:25 Speaker 02 It's a very middle-class injury.
24:26 Speaker 03 I asked my stepdaughter, currently at Cambridge, if she had been involved in any middle-class or upper-class injuries or mishaps. She noticed her arm had been caught by the blade whilst someone was sabring a bottle of champagne. Another example, she and her friends had tiramisu and lemon cannolis dropped to them into a boat from the Bridge of Sais because they'd missed out on dessert. I guess this wasn't mess-free. I thought that you guys could recount any upper or middle-class, William, or working-class, Jordan, I'm sure you've got that one the right way around, mishaps or injuries you have heard about or been involved in. Loved your show at Wembley, you're both so talented and quick-witted. Jordan, not as silly as you like to portray. Loved you both, Claire Harris.
25:06 Speaker 02 What does that mean?
25:08 Speaker 03 What?
25:08 Speaker 02 Not as silly as you like to?
25:09 Speaker 03 Well, apparently, you know, you're not as silly as you like to portray. Claire's words.
25:13 Speaker 02 I'm very silly.
25:16 Speaker 02 Woolies.
25:19 Speaker 03 The only thing that's going through my head is where, not long after Mikey and I were together, we went for lunch with some friends and Mikey, who didn't really sort of do sugar, still doesn't massively do it, had a millefeuille and was then took to his bed for five hours because he was in such almost diabetic.
25:38 Speaker 02 What's a millefeuille?
25:39 Speaker 04 It's in Harry Potter.
25:41 Speaker 03 Harry Potter? The creamy sort of layer of, I've just filmed a video on how to eat one for my social media, but.
25:48 Speaker 02 I've never heard of.
25:49 Speaker 03 Which is what reminded me of the story.
25:50 Speaker 02 Millefeuille, I thought it was.
25:51 Speaker 03 Millefeuille, yes, you know, the layers of sort of custard, confectioners' custard and sort of pastry.
25:56 Speaker 04 It's like French patisserie.
25:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:58 Speaker 02 Oh, and a Bavarian slice?
26:00 Speaker 03 A what?
26:04 Speaker 03 A millefeuille.
26:04 Speaker 02 I used to get one in from my mum from Sharp. Is it Bavarian or Bavarian?
26:09 Speaker 03 It's not Bavarian.
26:10 Speaker 02 A Bavarian slice, is it like one of them?
26:13 Speaker 03 Bavarian slice sounds like a WWE move.
26:16 Speaker 02 Wendy used to love them. Oh gosh, get me a Bavarian slice.
26:19 Speaker 03 My mother used to make me pull up outside, or she would pull up outside the coffee shop in Clifton, uh, where I was at school and I would have to go in after school and go and order her double decaf espresso. The looks I got, well, who wants a double, what's the flipping point of a double decaf espresso? Just have a decaf coffee. Don't ask for an espresso that's decaf.
26:41 Speaker 02 That is weird.
26:43 Speaker 03 Oh, and like the people would sort of, but I think because, maybe she was doing it because I was sort of 15. So the, the coffee shop would be like, oh, fair enough. He's 15. That's why he's going for a double decaf. It's not actually for a woman in her late twenties, uh, or whatever it was at the time.
26:58 Speaker 02 She had to at five.
27:01 Speaker 03 Holly has got in touch to share a new cleaning hack that we should know about. Holly says, I feel like William will really love this one. I can totally see Jordan doing this. Ha ha.
27:10 Speaker 02 I love a cleaning hack.
27:11 Speaker 03 Oh, okay. She, she put a sock.
27:14 Speaker 02 It's a wet sock.
27:15 Speaker 03 Oh, it's a wet sock on her actual foot.
27:17 Speaker 02 So you dip your toes with a wet sock into like a bucket of water.
27:20 Speaker 03 And she's going down the edges of the stairs.
27:22 Speaker 02 She's doing the skirting boards with it. I've heard this.
27:25 Speaker 03 Oh, I don't want a soggy foot.
27:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, but it's, it's better than bending over.
27:31 Speaker 03 Well, you could just, or you just have a.
27:32 Speaker 02 So apparently you just wet your sock and then clean your skirting boards that way.
27:37 Speaker 03 Or just have a long, um, a Swiffer.
27:40 Speaker 02 A what?
27:40 Speaker 03 A Swiffer, you know, and you just sort of run it along.
27:43 Speaker 02 Okay.
27:43 Speaker 03 Talking of socks, can we talk about your carousel you posted the other day with your absolutely filthy white socks on your, on your garden furniture?
27:51 Speaker 02 And I was flying low as well, apparently.
27:53 Speaker 03 Oh, were you?
27:53 Speaker 02 Yeah. If you look into it, loads will be like, oh, you're, you're flying. Well, I didn't know. I was just reading my bucket in garden.
27:58 Speaker 03 Right.
28:01 Speaker 03 They were absolutely filthy socks.
28:02 Speaker 02 Well, I'd been outside, Anna.
28:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, but I would have, you know, don't wear socks outside.
28:06 Speaker 02 My slippers were upstairs.
28:07 Speaker 03 Being a country boy, I grew up in the country. I would often, often go outside barefooted, but I wouldn't wear socks outside.
28:13 Speaker 02 Would you?
28:14 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
28:14 Speaker 02 I thought that would be bad etiquette.
28:16 Speaker 03 Oh no, in the country, just get on with it, go outside and whatever.
28:17 Speaker 02 I usually have my Birkin socks around the house, my slip-on ones.
28:21 Speaker 03 I wouldn't go outside.
28:22 Speaker 02 Proper ones and knockoff ones, but anyway.
28:23 Speaker 03 I wouldn't go outside for a long period of time with no shoes, but if I needed to just very quickly go outside, I still do it actually.
28:29 Speaker 02 I, I didn't, I just, and then everyone's going, oh, dirty socks. A lot of people have put offers in on them.
28:35 Speaker 02 To be fair.
28:35 Speaker 03 It all goes on.
28:36 Speaker 02 Naomi. Thanks Barry, that sorted me weekend away.
28:39 Speaker 03 Naomi has messaged in after hearing about Jordan finding his AirPod between his toes. Hello Pob, which means everyone in Welsh.
28:47 Speaker 02 Mum was in me arse once, I had to cough it out.
28:51 Speaker 03 I'm currently listening to this week's Friday episode on the 25th of April and heard Jordan talking about his AirPods being stuck between his toes. This reminded me of an incident my nanny, Welsh for nanny, had. My nanny enjoyed listening to audiobooks as she went to sleep. One night she semi-woke up and went to return her earphone to her ear. She recalled struggling to find her ear hole and after some effort popped it in. When she woke, she had issues with her eyesight. Turns out the struggle she had was because she was indeed trying to insert her earphone into her eye socket. It had ended up infecting it.
29:20 Speaker 02 Bloody hell.
29:21 Speaker 03 She was absolutely fine after a week, but looked pretty gnarly. Naomi. Gosh, well, she sounds absolutely off a rocket, doesn't she?
29:30 Speaker 02 I'm always like putting, I put a fag in me ear the other day, I think with me earphone. I'm back on fag.
29:38 Speaker 03 I noticed when we were filming the video outside, you were there.
29:41 Speaker 02 Your fault. Your.
29:43 Speaker 03 How is it my fault?
29:45 Speaker 02 Don't bring this up, I was doing well up until the argument on tour.
29:48 Speaker 03 Right, which I did not start and I did not finish. In fact, I contributed zero to it.
29:55 Speaker 02 So your fault, I said, think, give us a, and there was a lad outside.
29:59 Speaker 03 And you've been going on about that curtain all week.
30:02 Speaker 02 Are we really doing this now?
30:03 Speaker 03 Yes, you brought it up.
30:06 Speaker 02 Your fault.
30:06 Speaker 03 I hadn't been going on about the curtain at all.
30:08 Speaker 02 So anyway, I took me earphone out the other day and had a fag, sorry, I know, I know. And then I put a fag in me ear, killed.
30:16 Speaker 03 Well then, it's your fault for smoking.
30:17 Speaker 02 Anyway, but I'm not smoking as much as what I used to do. I'm getting there, I am, and I'm totally stopped at weekends now. Apart from when I have a beer.
30:24 Speaker 03 Naomi, I hope your grandmother's okay.
30:27 Speaker 02 It wasn't your fault.
30:28 Speaker 03 I know, I know it bloody wasn't.
30:29 Speaker 02 Well, it was, but I don't want to put that in the public domain.
30:34 Speaker 03 Well, you sort of just already have.
30:36 Speaker 02 I was doing so well up until that bloody tour, which I loved, and thanks again to everyone that came out. But there's just the stress and the nerves.
30:45 Speaker 03 Right, finish the script.
30:48 Speaker 02 Right, let's finish with our comment of the week. This can be from Spotify, YouTube or any of our socials.
30:53 Speaker 03 Before we get on to our favourite one, the honourable mentions go to Amber, who said, "It was 100% a dildo or a butt plug in the background of the photo that William sent to Jordan." It wasn't.
31:02 Speaker 02 It wasn't, actually.
31:03 Speaker 03 On Jordan's attempt to butch up the podcast last week, Jamie said, "Jordan, this is going to be a butch episode. Jordan, two seconds later, on a clear day, campiest episode ever."
31:14 Speaker 02 How is quoting Jane McDonald camp?
31:17 Speaker 03 But our comment of the week goes to Ducky, who said, "As someone who suffers with depression and anxiety, your show is the one thing that brightens my mood and gives me a giggle. Thank you. This one had me."
31:26 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you. We've been on good form of late.
31:29 Speaker 03 Oh, okay.
31:30 Speaker 02 I'm trying to be nice.
31:30 Speaker 03 A peer review.
31:32 Speaker 02 Trying to be nice.
31:33 Speaker 03 Oh, we'll try a bit harder.
31:35 Speaker 02 I sent you that clock out.
31:38 Speaker 03 We haven't even, we'll talk about that on Tuesday.
31:40 Speaker 02 Oh, okay.
31:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
31:40 Speaker 02 All right, okay.
31:41 Speaker 03 Because actually, on Tuesday, I've got a gift for you.
31:44 Speaker 02 Oh.
31:51 Speaker 02 What has happened to me? I'm the son of a sergeant major. What the hell has happened to me?
32:00 Speaker 02 Oh, nice one.
32:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:01 Speaker 02 Look forward to that.
32:04 Speaker 02 Remember, you can listen to the episodes every Tuesday, Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected] .
32:18 Speaker 03 We'll see you on Tuesday.
32:19 Speaker 02 We also, I've not done.
32:20 Speaker 03 Oh.
32:21 Speaker 02 We also love hearing back from people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch.
32:25 Speaker 03 We'll see you on Tuesday. You looked at me as if to go speak.
32:29 Speaker 02 Oh, right. All right. We can have another argument.
32:31 Speaker 03 Yes.
32:31 Speaker 02 Well, I just feel like nobody listens to my ideas. Bye, guys. I feel like no one listens to my ideas. It was all you and your frigging curtains. But I had a few. Anyway, we won't do this now.
32:42 Speaker 03 I'm gonna go and have a cigarette.
32:43 Speaker 02 We'll see you on Tuesday.
32:51 Speaker 06 Hey, it's Adam Grant from TED's Rethinking Podcast. As businesses scale, success depends on how well knowledge is captured, shared, and kept up to date. Camtasia Pro turns teams' expertise into engaging training, onboarding, and documentation. No professional editing experience required. With the industry's best screen recording, video editing, and AI-powered workflows, you can train faster and boost operational efficiency. Get over $100 off your first year at camtasia pro.com and start building a smarter way to educate customers, onboard employees, and ensure valuable expertise is shared across teams. Hello, I'm Luke Jones. And I'm Poppy Damon. We love all the strange true crime stories that you might flick through on a newspaper and think, hang on a minute.
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