Help We’re Getting Intimate | And William is Ainsley Harriott?!

What exactly counts as intimate? Jordan North and William Hanson have VERY different answers, and neither is willing to back down. Jordan is also forced to confront the fact he’s stolen one of William’s toilet habits after previously judging him for it. Has he changed AGAIN? Plus, the boys tackle your dilemmas from husbands watching smut on X, to the correct way to tuck. We’re a broad church. Want MORE Help I Sexted My Boss?: https://sextedmyboss.komi.io/ If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  You do come across as someone that likes asparagus.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  Um, well, I do like asparagus. I think that's a good thing. How do people that like asparagus?

• 0:37Speaker 01

  I just, I don't know. You put 10 people in a row and tell you the ones that like asparagus and the ones that don't.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  There we go. That's the next to us.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  That's a new feature idea. Oh, it's all happening. We're ready, guys.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like, what should you do when the verger at your school has made a career out of pulling his belt? Or how do you explain a suspicious white stain on your school trousers? And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony answer. We're William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert.

• 1:30Speaker 02

  No, we're not. Jordan North, Capital Radio Show host. I'm more Mary Poppins. You're more Publockins. That's from David. I like that. That's a good one. Well done, David. Would you, now, I'd say, would you like a drink? Let's just talk about drink related matters. You are currently drinking from a mug. Fine. Don't love mugs anyway. Particularly don't like that mug. It is a Ellis and John mug. Our sort of podcast rivals.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. That's who they are. It's like a local garage or something.

• 2:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, they do sound like they work in a local garage.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  When you get your MOT done and you get a free mug. Well, I'm currently.

• 2:08Speaker 02

  You don't want John going near your dipstick.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  I'm currently.

• 2:11Speaker 02

  I don't think John would want to go near anyone's dipstick, just for the record.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  I'm on the Lemsip. It's that time of year. Cause I had my nephew over dinner at the weekend.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Oh my God, stay away from me. You're probably carrying something.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  The little baby just looked at me. He's only one. Just looked at me, paused.

• 2:26Speaker 02

  It's called Bradley.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Paused and just went, I was like, all right, that's me. You're going to be ill next week. And lo and behold.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  I'm going to be ill now. Super spreader.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  So I've got a Lemsip and an Ellis and John mug. Well, you should get some sexting mugs.

• 2:40Speaker 02

  Infect the mug. Don't clean it. And when they're in tomorrow, take them down.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  It's a bit sinister. Fucking hell.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  What can I say? I'm a crime writer now.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Get you.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you for resharing that video. That was very sweet of you.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  I'm commenting to get the, what's it called? The.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  Engagement.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  Engagement going.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  I commented. That's what I do now.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Yes. Normally the engagement works when it's a comment from a bigger account, but I appreciate it here. I'm joking. Yes. And I, I'm not sure if my publisher's going to allow riveting.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Well, that's what I'm all going to write.

• 3:16Speaker 02

  Well, I think you might have to. We are looking for more than one word.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Well, no, because usually you write something and then they cut it down. So I'm just going to put riveting.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, but on the back cover, we'll have more space.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  A fatal fork in riveting.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  You could work riveting into it if you put some other words in. Yes.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  A riveting romper the reed.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Oh, please. It's not the Daily Mail.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  That sounds good. That sounds like a jelly keeper novel, doesn't it?

• 3:36Speaker 02

  It does. It's not. There's no sex.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  There's no sex?

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Plenty of innuendos. There's no sex.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  No shacking in it?

• 3:42Speaker 02

  No. There's illusions.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  Illusions? What is this? Like the 60s?

• 3:49Speaker 02

  What? I don't, my market haven't come to me for sex. He says on Help I Sexted My Boss.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  Sex sells.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  Well, hopefully illusions sell as well. Right. We are going to do a toast to Julie via, or indeed from her husband Spencer. Would you consider raising a toast on this week's podcast to my wife, Julie Carter, who was recently awarded an MBE in the King's Honour's List, Member of the Order of the British Empire. Julie received the honour for services to children's education and the performing arts after many years of helping young people build confidence, develop their talents and access opportunities they might otherwise never have had. To say we're proud would be a spectacular understatement. This month, we're off to Windsor Castle for the investiture, which still feels slightly surreal, given William's standing in society. I felt this was exactly the sort of life update that deserved to cross your desk. More seriously, thank you to you both, along with Ben, Izzy

• 4:44Speaker 02

  and the entire team for making life genuinely better. Your banter, warmth and ability to make people feel part of something special is a rare gift. You've been the soundtrack to countless walks, drives and everyday moments and brought a huge amount of joy to our lives. If Julie's MBE receives a podcast toast, I can assure you, it will immediately become her favourite honour. Well, that's the wrong way around. Much love, Spencer. Julie, please make this your second favourite honour.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  To Julie?

• 5:12Speaker 02

  To Julie Carter, MBE.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Put that all on her emails now?

• 5:16Speaker 02

  No, no, I can't stand that.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  So you're saying it's not good etiquette to put your MBE, OBE or knighthood on an email?

• 5:24Speaker 02

  Uh, you, I mean, you could, if it's relevant to what you are trying to achieve, fair enough. But by and large, it's not because it's in effect a social style. If, for example, if you're a dentist and you're applying for, I don't know, membership of the gym, the fact you're a dentist has got nothing to do with it. So you wouldn't put the fact that you're a dentist. But if you're obviously applying for, to speak at a dental conference, then it is relevant, then you put it. It's like your university degree. Again, if you have one, not relevant unless you're applying for something within education or a job where your degree is potentially interesting. And it is normally the way. The higher the honour, the more relaxed you are about it. The sort of the lower ones, people get all terribly excited about.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've met a sir once. He went, no, just call me James.

• 6:10Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  I can't remember his name. It was James.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  Dyson?

• 6:13Speaker 01

  No. Have you seen how much he's charging for toothbrush?

• 6:17Speaker 02

  Oh, and it like, doesn't it like pop out air at you or something?

• 6:20Speaker 01

  To be fair, like, in the nineties, he changed how we vacuumed because we were all on bikes.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Right. No, honestly, he did. And I'll give him his, I'll give him his due for that. He changed. We got my grandma, remember Grandma Vish? We got her a Dyson and she couldn't get her head around it with an old bag. And it worked wonders watching a 70 year old, 80 year old woman with a Dyson. He changed how we Uber. And for that, I'll give him his due. Then he brought in how we dry our hands.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're rubbish.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. His air dryers are pretty good as well. Bit spinny, but I'll give him that.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  And then he's brought in this toothbrush now. And I'm like, 400 quid for a toothbrush?

• 7:01Speaker 02

  For a toothbrush?

• 7:03Speaker 01

  A toothbrush.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  You should do your flaws as well at that price.

• 7:06Speaker 01

  I know. So it's a toothbrush and flosser. And until I see an Oral-B advert where they say this is recommended by dentists, then I'll be, you know, and until they bring the price down.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is ridiculous.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  But yeah, for that, yeah.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Obviously, good dental hygiene is very, very important, but you can achieve it. I don't know if there are a price point.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  Politically, me and James Dyson are at the different ends of the spectrum, I think is fair to say. But, you know.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  Well, I've got some views as well, but I won't go into it because we don't do politics.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  We don't do politics. But he did change how we vacuum in this country. And for that, I'll take the hat off to him. I'll be respectful.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Good.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  How's your week been?

• 7:43Speaker 02

  Yes, fine. Thank you. It's been, it's been lovely. Actually, something that went through my head that I remembered from on my holiday to Chicago is I was sitting in the hotel, just having a drink, obviously. And I was somewhere, Mikey was sort of in the gym or something. And I, this, this person's sitting on another sofa. I could see her looking at me and I thought, okay, here we go. She came over and she went, hello, can I just say? I was like, okay, you know, TikTok, whatever. And she went, you look just like my cousin. And I said, oh, okay, great. She went, no, no, look, look, look, and get in time to picture. I don't want to be rude, but she might as well have showed me a picture

• 8:23Speaker 02

  of Ainsley Harriet. I looked absolutely nothing like this person. And I just went, it's uncanny. And then off she trotted. I was like, do I look like that? I look nothing like that. I'm blonde, tall, Caucasian. This guy, totally different.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  Totally different.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  So when in my pub, I said, I'm really sorry. You look like my brother. I keep staring. And then I tried to show him a picture, but couldn't find a picture of that or I in anywhere. So you must have thought I was lying.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  Um, how was your brother's visit?

• 8:59Speaker 01

  It was good.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Was it all of them?

• 9:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was good. Kids are a lot, aren't they?

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Seven o'clock in the morning.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  How many kids did you have?

• 9:06Speaker 01

  So there's three of them there altogether. All under three. And then let me just play you this, because this is what I had to put up with on Sunday morning. Why did I buy him this toy? Why? Why?

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Wasn't the Dyson toothbrush, was it?

• 9:26Speaker 01

  I think that's why I've got a car.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  What is it? Can I see it?

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Poppy.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Seven o'clock on a Sunday morning. Why did I buy that?

• 9:37Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  I don't move.

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Is there a food going?

• 9:45Speaker 01

  That was all my weekend, but it was good.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  Well, you've only got yourself to blame. Did they have a nice time? What did you do with them?

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Uh, went to Hamley's.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. Should I bought them some toys?

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Is that where that came from?

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Uh, what?

• 9:55Speaker 02

  No, the thing you've just shown me, the dog?

• 9:57Speaker 01

  The dog. Went to Hamley's, uh, walked around Holland Park. I'll put a picture up if Brad's can, okay, Brad's in Holland Park, he's top off.

• 10:06Speaker 02

  Oh, Holland.

• 10:09Speaker 02

  I'm sure he blended right in.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Explain to our listeners about Holland Park, because I've never been before. It's actually very-

• 10:13Speaker 02

  Well, it's a park in London. It's adjacent to Notting Hill. It's a very affluent, uh, suburban area. And, um,

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Bradley fits right in.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. So he had his top off because he got a bit hot and he gets sweaty. But yeah, it was good. It was really good. Had a barbecue.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  Nice. Run out of gas?

• 10:33Speaker 01

  No, it didn't run out of gas. Oh, I still owe you money for that. Remind me, I need to pay you for that. How much is it?

• 10:38Speaker 02

  Um, eighty-five.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  Just give me a full, I want receipts. I want receipts.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  I didn't ask for a receipt because I didn't pay for it.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  How much? Because you give me a different price every time.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  Hmm. Well, you should have remembered the first time.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Just tell me how much I owe you.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  I'm adding interest.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Um, please. But yeah, it was good. A lovely weekend. It was really nice.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  That's nice. That's lovely. Uh, I went to go, in fact, I thought of you because I went to, uh, my cousin's, uh, thirtieth birthday in Bristol. It was just a little family dinner and some, uh, games. We played Uno teams. You played Uno teams?

• 11:10Speaker 01

  I told you, just leave Uno as it is.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Well, I, I, I mean, look, we had great fun, but God, it dragged. It goes on and on and on and nobody wins. And just as you think you're, you're going, you're going to win, then something happens and then you're back to square one. Because you've both got to get Uno in your team, because I would play with you, for example. And then if I get to Uno, or if you get no cards and I've got two cards, I have to then give you 50% of my cards. And then we, oh, just, um, there were, I don't know, six teams.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Have you ever played Boggle? That's pretty good.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  Oh, years ago. What, with the letters?

• 11:45Speaker 01

  No, not Boggle. What? Doodle, doodle. Double.

• 11:49Speaker 02

  Double, no.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  It's like you've got to see the pictures. That's a quick game. That's always fun. So I stick to double, but don't change Uno. Uh, we should also say this week as well, we've not mentioned it, but it's a bit different about me.

• 12:00Speaker 02

  Yes, your moustache is gone.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  My moustache is gone.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  R.I.P.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  So I was having some pictures taken, uh, for the global building, where we're capital space. And I thought, these are going to be up around the building for years, years to come.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  Well, subject to contracts.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  And, well, yeah, true. And trust me, if that contract don't get renewed, they come down quickly.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  They'll mess them out. Uh, believe you and me. But, um, I thought in a year's time or in two years' time, I'm going to hate that moustache. Because it was just a summer thing, so I decided to shave it off.

• 12:33Speaker 02

  Summer's over.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  So it's, it's, it's gone. So tash.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  How does it feel?

• 12:37Speaker 01

  It feels a bit naked. I'll tell you what.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  You've still got, I mean, let's, let's be honest, for those that are not watching, you still have a beard and there is hair on your upper lip, just maybe not as much.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's not a tash though. It's, it's, I'll be honest.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  It very split on the DMs and the comments, not that I read either.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Not that you read them, no.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  No. Um, mainly the women who were saying, I'll be, they were like, thank God it's gone. You look better.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  You do. That's right.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Be honest, mainly, mainly the gays were saying, grow it back.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  Not all of them.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  The, the majority. So, so yeah, it's split opinions.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Well, it's your face, so you get to decide what you do with it.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  Speaking of which, um, uh, the curse of Jordan North is stricken.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  Speaking about yourself in the third person, always attractive.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  I'm going to get in, I'm going to get this in now.

• 13:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Before all the Gene Devers do.

• 13:30Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Because they were giving me stick.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  It started already. I've seen it online.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  They were, have they actually? Oh, for fuck. Have they actually? They were giving me stick going, oh, that's going to be the last Toy Story five now, Jordan, isn't it?

• 13:41Speaker 02

  Well, to be fair, it will be the last Toy Story five. It will be both the first and the last Toy Story five.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  You're so pedantic.

• 13:47Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  It'll be the last Toy Story. Um, but yeah, uh, it's been announced as, as we're recording this, that RuPaul's Drag Race has been cancelled by the BBC.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  It's not being, well, I believe in your defence.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  I'm going to defend you. It is not going to be shown anymore on the BBC. It will be going on to RuPaul's own sort of streaming service.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  So it's sort of, it will continue, just not on the BBC. And as you know, most things flourish when they leave the BBC, so it's fine.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  I shall not say a word to that. Um, thank you.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  So yes, so you haven't quite cancelled it, but maybe you were, you know, you didn't bring the ratings the BBC wanted. And so thus they've gone, yeah, we can let that go. I don't know. Maybe, I don't know.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Don't blame me for this. I'm not saying, can I just say this isn't the curse of Jordan North? Because I was on it and then there was another series.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  There was.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  But.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  And then it's gone.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Just another one of the many TV shows that once I've appeared on has been cancelled.

• 14:52Speaker 02

  Yep. Yep. Um, sorry that this weekend, um, you, as we have alluded to already, you can't come to my, uh, little soiree.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:03Speaker 02

  Little drinks reception we're having for the team and a few other assorted guests, because you're at Doncaster Races, pressing play on Mr. Brightside, so.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  I don't play Mr. Brightside.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  Really?

• 15:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. I, I.

• 15:15Speaker 02

  Okay, Doncaster Races, if you hear Mr. Brightside, please let me know.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  I'm better than that.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  What do you play?

• 15:22Speaker 01

  If, if, if I feel like the crowd.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Kings of Leon?

• 15:26Speaker 01

  I feel like, I do play Sex on Fire. Yes. I, I, if I feel like the crowd want Mr. Brightside, I will play. I'm not snobby. I'm not better than anything. If, if I feel like the crowd want it, I will play it. But I've got a few, got a few ideas. I always.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  What are we opening with?

• 15:41Speaker 01

  I always plan my first free track and my last three.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  How many tracks do you have to do?

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Well, I'm on for an hour and a half.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  An hour and a half? Now, we should also say, I know we should, I think we talked about this recently, but we'll just, for any new listeners, and we did it on our tour, about a year and a half ago, our shared agent got in touch with me and.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Is it a year and a half ago?

• 16:00Speaker 02

  I think so. And said, Doncaster Races would like you, William, to do a DJ set. We sent my rates and a vague steer of what songs I would play. And one of them, uh, they screamed at, and the other one, they said, no, thank you very much. And so they went in a different direction and that direction was booking Jordan. And, uh, I never actually got the date from Don. I just knew it was sometime next year, at the time it was. And so I then arranged this soiree. It's really the only weekend I could have the soiree and the caterers were free. And, uh, low and behold, I sent out the invitations and you can't come because you're doing the gig that I could have done.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Doing Donny Races, which I'm really looking forward to.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  I can see it in your face.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  No, I am. I am. It'll be good.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Be lovely. What time are you on?

• 16:44Speaker 01

  Uh, our five, I think it is. Thirty thousand people are there apparently.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  Thirty thousand?

• 16:50Speaker 01

  I mean, whether thirty thousand stay to the end to, to watch my set.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  You press play on Mr. Brightside.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  I don't press play. I mix and all sorts.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Yes. So it'll be good. I always get them up dancing.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  Good.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  I have to see the crowd though, because I think, right, this is how to do it. I'll let you in. I'll give you a little peek.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Oh, please tell me. I'm, yeah.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  So I have a look at the crowd. I think, right, what have we, what have we got here? Let's get that on. She's not, she's jiggling away. He's not moving. The, the blokes are usually the hardest to get going.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  Not in my experience.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  Right. We've got some girls here. Oh, there's some Gene Devers, right? I'll play out to them. They'll get raving. I think, right, have we got more mums in? More. This is what we need. Play a bit more of that and then I'll go a bit rogue. You're never too cool for ABBA. Remember that? And then, and then I was, after about twenty, thirty minutes in, I'll find my rhythm and I've got them.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  It takes you that long?

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Got them. Got them in the palm of my hand, William.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  I honestly did a gig, I still say this, I did a gig at Haven Caravan Park and it's the best gig I've ever done.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  I remember you showing us clips.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  I felt like Beyonce when I came off stage. I had to be escorted off by security. And I was like, this is what it's like to be Rihanna.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  You were Beyonce minutes ago.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  So, yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Lovely. Well, that's the last ever Doncaster Races this year on the 12th of September.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  In other news.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  After 12 years of doing this podcast with you.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  It's not 12 years.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  It's so easy, you know, it's so easy to wind up. What is it? Six?

• 18:20Speaker 01

  How many years is it now?

• 18:21Speaker 02

  Eight.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Eight years. You, you do have a lasting effect on me.

• 18:26Speaker 02

  Do I?

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Because I'm really into it at the moment. I love having a little sit-down wee.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  And I've been treating myself to one a day.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  Should stop doing it on the tube, though.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Right. And it's creeping into two a day. And any lads listening now.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  Just do it all the time.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  You forget all about.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Just now and then.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Treat yourself to a sit-down wee.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  It's a right little, little treat.

• 18:51Speaker 02

  Just have a moment to yourself.

• 18:52Speaker 01

  It just, you're not rushing. You sit down. And can I just say, without being too, I hope this isn't too crude. I feel like you've fully emptied your bladder.

• 19:01Speaker 02

  I do believe it is actually better for you.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Is it actually?

• 19:03Speaker 02

  I think so. I'll ask Ollie.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  But you, you, you're a sit-down weyer, aren't you?

• 19:07Speaker 02

  Always.

• 19:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I just, I can imagine Ben being a bit of a sit-down weyer. He's not here today, by the way.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  No, he's in the cubicle.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  Sitting down.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Is it, you're a sit-down weyer?

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Well, she's a woman.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. Stuart, no, no, just honestly, if you're listening now, I don't care if you're the biggest, hardest, hairiest, oldest trucker, just when you let's go to the toilet, sit down, have a wee.

• 19:33Speaker 02

  I've said it before, but.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  And think of me.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  Lavatory cubicles, particularly ones that are completely enclosed, not ones where there's a gap under the door or above the door. American ones I hate because they're so.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  God, you might as well not have a door, the American one.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. There's a.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Comes up to your frigging.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  Size of a postage stamp that goes in front of you.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  You still see your cock sometimes when you walk. They come up to there.

• 19:53Speaker 02

  You'll be fine.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Put it this way, a, a small person.

• 19:57Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Could easily just walk on, under the American doors, couldn't they?

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Won't have to duck.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  But proper cubicles where you are literally enclosed, particularly if they're sort of quite, sort of nicely lit and moody lighting. Generally, I, it might, I mean, therapists write in. I just feel so safe and like, especially if they're clean. If they're not clean, I don't. But, um, you just feel like no one can get to me. It's just lovely. No one knows what I'm doing. I'm just, I can just stand. Sometimes I do go and stand. Don't even go to the lift.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  See, as a claustrophobic, I don't like the ones that are fully enclosed.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  No, I love them.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. But I have had a nap before now in a nice cubicle toilet.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  It has to be very, very, it would have to be freshly cleaned for me to do that.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Trust me. It was a place we know pretty well.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  And I had a, I just thought, I'm gonna lie down here. I put my bag on the floor.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  Have I told you this?

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Yes, you have told me this and it's still making me anxious.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  On the floor and I thought, I'm just gonna have 20 minutes. I was absolutely knackered. But yeah, that's me. I'm a sit-down kind of wee. Not all the time.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  But I've just been treating myself to a little post-show at 10 o'clock when I finish. I thought, I'm just gonna go and have a nice little sit-down wee for five minutes.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Lovely. Yeah, debrief.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Um, actually, the time of recording yesterday, the new iPhones were announced and I noticed that the colours you can now get are a, a claret and a light blue.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Does it say claret?

• 21:12Speaker 02

  It's more or less claret. I don't know if it says claret, but I thought, oh, that's, they've basically released the Burnley phone.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  They've sort of, basically it's the West Ham, Burnley, Scumthorpe and Aston Villa colours.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Claret and blue. Oh, I'll be on that. And of course you will, because I don't know if you know this, Gene Devers, but William Hanson is a bit of an Apple geek.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, Apple could basically bring out a, a box full of air. I'd probably go, I must have that.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 21:35Speaker 02

  It's not, actually, it's not strictly true because they have brought out like that stupid VR headset. I mean, I'm not getting. I'm not getting the foldable phone. I'm gonna say it now.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  I, I can, I.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  Who wants a foldable phone?

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Well, a lot of, a lot of people have Samsung, haven't they? They are pretty good.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  But why do you, why do you need your phone to fold? I just want a phone with a battery life that lasts two days would be nice, like they used to. That's all I want.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Did they used to last two days?

• 21:56Speaker 02

  Oh, not the iPhones or smartphones, but you know, back in your Nokia 3210.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  They'd last like three.

• 22:01Speaker 02

  They'd last forever.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Just charge them at night.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  My LG Beauty lasted loads of times. That, to be fair, that folded, but that was slightly different.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Did you ever have a BlackBerry?

• 22:10Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. BBM.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, I BBM'd most of my friends.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Got a BlackBerry.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Spent most of my time at school BBM'ing them.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's great. And that, like, physical keyboard, which looked ridiculously small, but somehow you were able to type on it.

• 22:24Speaker 01

  I miss the BlackBerry.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  With the red light flashing.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  I, I just bet. When, when, when is that coming out? In September? No.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  Next week, I think. This, this week, actually, at time of release.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  I can imagine you'll have one of them.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  I'm yet to actually put in my order.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  You just get the new one all the time.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  No, I don't know, actually. I don't, thank you. Um, I've got quite a big, um, work thing coming up, which I'm very nervous about already, but you can imagine it's a career. I think you already know about this. I think I told you.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Time off or something?

• 22:53Speaker 02

  No, no, no, it's not time off. It's on a Sunday. So it's just an evening thing. Uh, but no pressure, William Hanson. Uh, in October at the Wimbledon Book Festival, I'm interviewing Julian Clary.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Oh, now this is big for you because he, he's a big idol of yours, isn't he?

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Yes. I mean, one's not meant to have idols, if you read your Bible, but, uh, yes. I'm happy you always do.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  God, not meant, he's not meant to have idol.

• 23:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Other than God.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  So are you quite nervous about this?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  Uh, not yet, but I will be.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Have you met him before?

• 23:23Speaker 02

  Yes, I have met him before, actually, yes, but not for a while. And my life is very different, uh, when I met him. But, uh, I'm, yeah, I'm gonna go and interview him at the Wimbledon Book Festival. It's sold out, so sorry, you can't get any tickets. But you might already have some. You never know.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. This is the equivalent of me interviewing.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Peter Kay.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Done that.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  Well, there we go.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Give me another example.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Well, I'd say Carolina Hearn, but that's not happening. Um.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  No. Robert De Niro, done that.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  Done that. Um, Sean Dyche, done that.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. I said, I tell you, I bumped into him on a roundabout.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  You did, near here, wasn't it? Yeah.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  Actually, as I was leaving here.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, so, uh, quite nervous.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  What's your first question gonna be?

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I don't know, because I'm reading his, he's got a new book out, which is, which is why he's been appearing at the Wimbledon Book Festival. It'll be out in a few weeks. Uh, The Mid-Morning Murders. And, uh, yeah, I'm sort of halfway through reading it. It's very funny.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  I'm enjoying it.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  Right. Well, it's gonna be a very butch fest this, isn't it? You and Julian Clary.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  Yes. It's basically like watching the hairy bikers.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. The testosterone will be oozing off stage.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Yes. All right. Well, look, just alls I'll say is, and I say this to everyone, and I'll say it to you. Okay. When you interview him, I know he's your idol.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  Just don't be yourself.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  And you'll be fine.

• 24:48Speaker 02

  I'll be you.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Do you want to join us, Jolly Joke of the Week?

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Yes, go on.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  All right then, here we go. Cue the jingle.

• 24:57Speaker 04

  If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  Hey, to be fair, I've had loads sent in recently from our wonderful Gene Devers.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Fantastic.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  So, yeah. Do you ever get, um, given your ideas for your etymology?

• 25:22Speaker 02

  Sometimes, yes.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  Um, I don't know if I've done this one.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  I'll tell you.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  My grief counsellor died last week. I'll tell you the punchline after a break. All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. Uh, this week's Jolly Joke of the Week is from Emily Hudson, who, uh, sent me this. I think we might have done this. I don't know. It says, my grief counsellor died last week. She was so good, I didn't even care.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  I, I actually can't remember if you have done that one. It was fun.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Uh, let me find another. Because we've, I've had loads and it's only fair. We give them what they want.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  This one's from Howell. Says, uh, did you hear about the police superintendent that got fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating?

• 26:09Speaker 01

  He was a high wanking officer.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Well done, Howell.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  Uh, and one more. Uh, this was from Dad's Jokes, as on Instagram. A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie. Gladiator. Said, no, I really miss him.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  There we go. There we go.

• 26:27Speaker 02

  Well done.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  I'm pretty sure we might have done the, the first one.

• 26:31Speaker 02

  Well, I haven't, if we have, I haven't heard the other two, so.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Before. There you go. Thank you for sending it in. Right then, now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected] or you can DM us. We're at Sex with My Boss on the socials.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  This first one is from anonymous. Dear dilemma, daddies, I have been married to my husband for four years and have been together for eight. Initially, when we met, we led a very active sex life with both parties instigating intimacy. Now we live in an intimacy-free marriage with contact only ever being instigated by me and not mutually returned. Whilst on my husband's phone, looking at our joint bank account, an app I don't have access to and not snooping before this gets mentioned, I noticed he had X, Twitter, open with his feed filled with pornographic content. To be honest, I was curious and had a look and viewed his search history with quite a few kinks we've never discussed. None I wouldn't say no to, so no kink shaming here. What I find hurtful, though, is the fact he's not interested in intimacy with me unless I pursue it,

• 27:32Speaker 02

  but is happy to watch porn frequently, including when I'm in the house in another room. The porn doesn't bother me, we're all human, but it's a lack of understanding how his disconnect is hurting me. For context, I've always had a higher sex drive than him, but we have discussed this before and have said many, many times that intimacy doesn't mean sex. Your advice, or even telling me to get a grip, is welcome, anonymous. Well, I'm not, I'm not gonna tell you to get a grip.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  I don't think you should get a grip.

• 27:55Speaker 02

  You've got a point.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do as well. If you've not had sex for a while yet, he's going on porn on his phone a lot.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Especially when you are in the house.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  Maybe it's worth mentioning, isn't it?

• 28:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think you need to talk and say, right, fine if I'm not there, but when I'm in the house, if you're feeling a little bit frisky, you come and knock on my door.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Jump on. Climb on.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, I don't think you, you're in the wrong there. I think that you, uh, should maybe address this. Definitely.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  Talk to him.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  And say, look, you know, we haven't had sex for ages yet. You're going on porn all the time. What's going on there?

• 28:29Speaker 02

  And if, if you've discovered, and I don't know what his kink is, let's just call it kink one, rather than coming up with one. You've discovered that he's into kink one via Twitter. I probably wouldn't admit to him that you've done that. But why don't you talk to him and go, actually, because I was thinking that I'd quite like to try, but um, but kink one. And then when he might think, oh, gosh, wow, yes, this is amazing. I like that too. You might find that you have a lovely time.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  And things.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Could rejuvenate your sex life.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Yes. But no, I don't think you're in the wrong there. Obviously, I've, like, that's a look, don't they? But, yeah, if he's, if he's on a lot and you've not had any sex, there's possibly an issue there.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  And you are right, intimacy does not always need to be sex. It can just be a cuddle on the sofa.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Is that intimacy?

• 29:14Speaker 02

  What, a cuddle on the sofa?

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Would you class that as intimate?

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Pretty intimate. Well, if I came and had a cuddle with you on your sofa and stuck my head into your nape of your neck, that was pretty intimate, darling.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  But I thought intimate comes from the term like into them. So like in them. Is that not what it means? That you're in them, you're intimate.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  No.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  Right, when you kiss them, you put your tongue there, not your intimate.

• 29:37Speaker 02

  I might just do William's etymology of the week next week and we'll look at the word intimate.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  So is holding hands with someone on a bus intimate?

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Yes. It's not, it's not, you know.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  Have a day off.

• 29:48Speaker 02

  It is, it is an intimate act. Even a hug, just hugging, hugging your friend is some form of intimacy, which is why we don't do it with strangers.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  I see the word intimate for me. I don't think like.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Well, if you like to do a quickie bent over at kitchen side, that's not intimate, is it? That's just doing a deed, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? You know?

• 30:09Speaker 02

  Well, once this records over, we'll have a go and you can tell me if it's intimate.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  Sometimes you're like, got another 20 minutes before they get here. That's not intimate, is it?

• 30:18Speaker 02

  I thought you were late answering that door at the barbecue.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Ben had a smile on his face when we arrived.

• 30:24Speaker 01

  He did. He did. He was the first to come.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  To the do- to the, to the party.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, which is unusual for him. Yeah. Um, no, anonymous talk. Talk, talk to your husband. You are not in the wrong. Um, yeah, you are, you are not in the wrong, but just talk and be honest about your feelings. This is from Terry. Dear William Jordan et al., please, please help me expunge my mind from an incident which occurred a few weeks ago and which, despite my best efforts, continues to haunt me. My wife and I had been out for a pleasant Sunday walk and decided to stop at a rather lovely lakeside cafe for coffee and cake. It is a popular establishment, tastefully decorated with a very good menu and on this particular Sunday morning, populated by the usual assortment of well-heeled cafe goers enjoying their weekend rituals. We settled in with our coffee and cake and all was right with the world.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  That was until a reasonably well-dressed foursome, two men and two women, were seated at a table immediately behind my wife. Fortunately, she couldn't see them. Unfortunately, I could. Having placed their order, they settled down to wait for the food. Then, without warning, one of the women reached into her handbag, produced a dental floss stick and proceeded to floss her teeth. At the table, in the cafe, in public, in full view of other diners, I was, quite frankly, flabbergasted. I found myself experiencing a peculiar mixture of disbelief, horror and the overwhelming desire to look away while simultaneously being able to look away. I was so stunned by the sheer audacity of it that I remained silent. But the image has somehow lodged itself permanently in my mind. I simply cannot forget it. So, William, I need your ruling. What precisely is the etiquette regarding flossing one's teeth in public?

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Was I right to become horrified? Is this an unforgivable breach of cafe etiquette or have I become hopelessly old fashioned? And most importantly, should I have said something? If so, what on earth does one say in such circumstances? I feel I need closure on this matter, if only so that I can once again enjoy a slice of cake beside a lake without the spectre of interdental cleaning hanging over me. Incidentally, I absolutely love the show. I've been a fan since your collaboration with the Red Handed Team and it has become the highlight of my week. I suspect you may be the one person qualified to help me recover from this traumatic encounter.

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Christ, what's going on there?

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Yours in desperate need of an etiquette ruling, Terry. Well, Terry, that's lovely, but the page and a half that took to say, can you floss your teeth in public? Was, was lovely.

• 32:39Speaker 01

  Uh, Terry.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Get the Pulitzer at this rate.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  I see. I find flossing your teeth quite an intimate act.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  No, Jordan, that is not intimate.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  I think we need to start getting like, doing your teeth is quite an intimate. I'm a, I'm big into flossing at the moment because I got really told off by my dentist. So I'm flossing, trying to floss every night, every other night if I'm good. But no, I wouldn't do that in public. That's disgusting.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  That is disgust- no, you, am I right there? It's not right to floss your teeth?

• 33:04Speaker 02

  It's not right to floss your teeth.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  I just feel like sometimes the collapse of society is upon us.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  I've been saying it for years.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  If people are going into nice little weekend cafes where they're serving little cakes and coffee and you're going in and people are flossing their teeth at the table, we need to have a word with ourselves as a nation, I think.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  But Terry, no, you can't say anything.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Can you not?

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Not, especially not to a stranger. Like, if you and I were out for a coffee and a cake.

• 33:28Speaker 01

  If it's putting you off your food.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  Well, then move.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  Or could you say something to the member of staff and just play?

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Give them a, give them a look.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, a look.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Tut.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, that's a good tut.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Should, I'll teach me that. That's a great, that's a tut.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  I will, but it's quite intimate.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  That's a tut that won't get you punched that, because mine's more of a.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Well, you do an eye roll as well with it. Your, your eyebrows go up. Mine can't.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Do it.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  You've just got a bit of a, it's got a bit of a, bit of bass on the end of yours, hasn't it? Do it again.

• 34:01Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yours is quite, yours is a higher, higher pitch.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Well, you've just got an extra second on me. Go on.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  I'll work on that. That's a very good passive aggressive tut.

• 34:17Speaker 02

  If people are listening, it does, if we do that quickly, it does sound like we're kissing.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Um, but yeah, I, I would try to ignore it. Give him a stare. Uh, if he's really putting you off, maybe say, please, I'm so sorry. I always think in situations that I've been really overtly nice. I'm so sorry. Okay to not do that. I've just got a weird thing about teeth and I'm trying to enjoy cake with my wife.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  I don't think you need to apologise for it.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Maybe the staff just say, he's flossing the bloody teeth. There's people be picking their arse at the table. World we live in.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  Um, but yeah, no, ju- just don't, don't do it in public and you can't say anything to them. Is, is the, uh, is the summary there. This is from Nathan. Dear William Jordan, E P B and the rest of the legendary help I sexed my boss team. I feel like you and Jordan are going to have two very different approaches to my question and I can already imagine I'm stealing bits from both of your advice. For the first time, I'm going to be the best man for one of my best friends. The wedding is currently about four months away. Now, I'd like to say I'm a confident public speaker, but that's when I know what I'm saying. I currently feel like I have an inordinate amount of responsibility when it comes to writing and delivering the best man speech. This is where I'm turning to my dilemma daddies for some advice. What makes a good best man's speech? What should I include? What shouldn't I include? How long should it be? Is there a structure or flow I should follow? Please help.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Thank you for everything you do to brighten up my week. It really is the highlight of my Tuesday and Friday morning commutes to work. Thanks, Nathan.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Right, rehearse, right, rehearse, right, rehearse. That's what I do. That's, yeah, that's the best way to do it. I, the last time I did a wedding speech, I went best man, but our Lee's wedding, I was master of ceremonies. I did it off an iPad.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Classy.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Do you think?

• 35:57Speaker 02

  No.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  I, no, do you, I always look back and think, and the picture's now like a right twat. So probably would have.

• 36:02Speaker 02

  You look like you're launching the new iPhone.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I did. I looked like I was giving a PowerPoint presentation. So I'd maybe write it down. I, I'd personally type it out instead of writing because then you can change it and it's easier.

• 36:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Type it out and just rehearse. And you can always print it off. I think piece of pa- we're back on paper at the moment.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  We are. Sorry, Greta.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  I, I think, oh, she's all right. Um, it's big Jane Devi, you know?

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Is she?

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. I, I think, no, she loves us. I think write it out on a piece of paper and it looks fine with paper and just rehearse it. And even though you've got it there, because you want to be confident with it. And do you know what? Do you know what I'll say to you? When it comes to speeches, YouTube old videos of Barack Obama, because no one does a speech like him.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  Well, a different, different style of speaking, because he was leader of the free world. You're just doing a speech, you know?

• 36:52Speaker 01

  He was good as well, other fella. Martin Luther King.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Don't start with, I had a dream. That might be a bit strong, but like, read it. Get familiar with it so you know what bits are and just remember when you're reading to look up, glance. That's my advice.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Look up, look up.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Look, look out at your thing and go, now it's time for your questions and dilemmas.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  I mean, you've never done that.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Remember, if you need our help with something, and just remember to make eye contact.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  In terms of how long it should be, the shorter the better, is my advice. Too many speeches, don't feel that you have to do, uh, uh, the most hilarious 20 minutes. I think no, so for the few people that spoke at our wedding, we told them half the time that we knew they were actually going to do. Because if you say to people, I want a 10 minute speech, they would inevitably do 15 to 20 minutes.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, don't, there's no.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  If you say five minutes, they'll do 10.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  Hmm. I, I actually agree, William, here. There's no worse than long speeches at weddings. And honestly, there, no, people zone out, short and snappy.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  And if you're not funny, if you can't do jokes, don't feel the need to do jokes. Just do a heartfelt speech.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Who's this?

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Nathan.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Nathan, you said we disagree. Yeah, we actually agree. I couldn't agree more. You don't have to be funny. Just be nice. Keep it simple. Maybe one funny story.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  Don't try and be funny. And the worst thing is, don't like nick jokes online from other speeches because they'll know it's not you.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  So, yeah, I've been to somewhere, they're awful. I've been somewhere, they're like, fine. The, the best man wasn't very confident, but it was lovely. Go down that route. Shout out to actually, um, Danny. Danny Milo at Jordan and Sally's wedding. Very funny. Best man's speech. Short and sweet and I had a couple of videos to show. They were very funny.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Of course there was production.

• 38:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, it works on radio, I can say. Those are really good.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  Good. Yeah, exactly.

• 38:37Speaker 01

  And we all remembered it. Good best man's speech.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  So, yeah.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Uh, good break a leg. This is from Phoebe. Dear William Jordan and the sexted team, shout out to my fellow Gen Z Izzy. Thank you.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  Diva, she's alright, got me. She's, she's the epitome of a mean girl. Cause you don't know for mean girls, cause you don't know, she keeps you on your toes, cause some days you'll walk in, right?

• 39:00Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  And you'll feel like a million dollars. And she's like, oh my God, you're great. Walked in today, she's like, I'm knocking on my shoes, where's the moustache? She just likes to keep you, keep you on your toes, Jenny. What did you say about my shoes?

• 39:13Speaker 03

  They're okay, they're seventeen.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  They're very seven.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  And they're giving me the ick, cause they're too tight and they look too small, don't they? Yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Well, you do have quite small feet.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  I'm an eight and a half, but you can never find any eight and a halves. So eights are too small and nines are too big. It's a struggle. Any other eight and a half, Jane Divas, get in touch. Joe, Joe, get that up this week. If you've got any other eight and a half feet people, they'll know where I mean, cause you.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  Eight and a half feet people?

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Cause you can't, you never, sometimes you can.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  The depths, after eight and a half years, that's where we're at.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  So anybody else that's a size eight and a half shoe, or a half, anyone that's a half, you, you, you're either too big or too small. I'm gonna take these off, cause they're actually killing me.

• 39:55Speaker 02

  Oh, don't.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Why?

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Oh, stop it. You just want to populate your wiki feet, don't you?

• 39:59Speaker 01

  Oh God, no, absolutely not. Just don't want.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Anyway, Phoebe continues after shouting out to Gen Z, "Z, my boyfriend and I have been together for around eight months, continuing a theme. So far, it's all been going swimmingly, no major arguments or disagreements, and I could really see us building a future together. However, a recent discovery has made me rethink my opinion of him. My boyfriend stays at my house quite regularly, as I've recently purchased my own home, whereas he is currently living with parents. To combat the occasional "I have forgotten to bring underwear" dilemma, we've purchased a set that he can just leave at mine. However, this morning, I discovered that despite having a drawer full of clean and perfectly white socks, my boyfriend instead opted to re-wear yesterday's dirty socks. When I questioned him on why he was re-wearing old socks instead of getting new ones, I discovered that he regularly wears socks for multiple days in a row and doesn't see anything wrong with doing this.

• 40:47Speaker 02

  I, on the other hand, am very much of the opinion that socks should be changed daily, if not more regularly, if they get particularly dirty or sweaty for any reason midway through the day. Who is in the wrong here? Is it acceptable for socks to be worn for several days, or should they be changed daily? Kind regards, Phoebe."

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Phoebe, you can, you can, you can change this about him, trust me. This isn't a big issue. You, you.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  I don't think she will be able to.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  No, you can get into about this. Speak to any lads and when they go, oh, when I first got with my girlfriend, and they'll change her. Yeah, he probably, he probably shouldn't be wearing socks.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  No, no, no, he not should, probably shouldn't be. He shouldn't be.

• 41:23Speaker 01

  Let me finish. It's not the social norm. So you tell him that and speak to other people and get other people to get in his.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  It's disgusting.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  To, to, to, to show him that it's not right to wear socks two, three days in a row. However, there is an exception. I've done this before. I've done it before. The only time is when you forget it and you go away for like a weekend, try and go and buy some. Sometimes I put socks on, I'm wearing for like an hour a day.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  I've gone to the shop or something, and I'll be honest, I've took them off and thought, I'll just wear them tomorrow. If I've worn them for like an hour, two max. And when you got out at the shower and you put socks on around the house, just for an hour, I've done that before.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  No.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  A few times, and I thought, well, I'm not putting a fresh pair on.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  They're on once, they're off once, they never go back on.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  I think I might have done it with boxes, but then I probably, I probably slept in the boxes, so I wanted to.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  You know my, you know my thoughts on sleeping in boxes.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  But I'm just saying to you, I always change, I'm very hygienic. But I think, I have a few times, only wore socks for an hour and thought, I'll put them on tomorrow. As long as they're not dirty on bottom. That's my opinion.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Disgusting.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  You need to speak to him and say, this is not a social norm. Change your socks.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  Change your socks or change me. That's what I'd say.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  There you go. Do you sweat from your feet? You do, don't you?

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Yes, of course you do.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, your feet stink.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Um, this is from anonymous. It's our final dilemma. Hello, William and Jordan. I need your help with what has somehow become the most passionate disagreement in our household. Picture the scene. My partner is getting dressed for a wedding. Puts his shirt on, then with complete confidence, he tucks his shirt into his boxes. His boxes. I, on the other hand, have always believed that the shirt goes into the trousers. That's literally what the waistband is for. The trousers hold the shirt in place. The boxes are just innocent bystanders in this whole operation. He insists tucking into his boxes keeps everything neat and stops the shirt from riding up. I insist he's dressed like a Victorian toddler. So please settle this once and for all. Is proper suitor to get shirt tucked into your trousers, the normal civilized approach? Shirt tucked into your boxes, absolute chaos. Or have I completely misunderstood formal wear my entire life?

• 43:23Speaker 02

  I'd also love to know if this is a genuine style hack that I've somehow missed, or if I should be filing for irreconcilable tucking differences? Please help before our, isn't irreconcilable tucking differences what the BBC said about Drag Race?

• 43:40Speaker 02

  Uh, please help. Thank you. I thought it was quite good.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  I thought that was brilliant. That was very good.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  That's why it's left. Please help before our next wedding invitation tears this relationship apart. Thanks, a deeply concerned trouser tucker.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Well, I don't personally tuck them into my boxes, but on the odd occasion I have, they do sit a lot better. What is the etiquette? Is it trousers?

• 44:02Speaker 02

  Trousers is more conventional.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  However, I used to often get served adverts of these man suspenders.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Man braces, where you're like, you clip these like suspenders under your trousers that pull your shirt in proper and hold them.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  Properly.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  Properly. So maybe buy him them as a little present.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  Can I just say whilst we're on adjectives and adverbs, I just want to correct the record, because I know all the comments. The Friday episode is yet to go out of time of recording. I know I got the adverb thing wrong in last Friday. I know everyone, kill me, shoot me, I'm human. Prick me and I bleed.

• 44:35Speaker 01

  You're gonna get some shit on them comments, aren't you?

• 44:38Speaker 02

  Whereas you can call me a thicko.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  And everyone will be like, oh, Jordan, I love Jordan. I get one thing wrong, and it's pile on, William.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  Cheeky chap. If you call me a thicko, they would pile on you.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  Exactly. Exactly.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  Vic, I'm under.

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Snobbery in some people is extraordinary.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  Vic, you say to me, the shit you get away with on air, compared to if I said some of the stuff you, and I'm like, yeah, fair enough.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I know, I understand, I understand my privilege. Yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  You, yes, you are privileged. You are privileged.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Now, you say that to me, I'm not gonna buy.

• 45:16Speaker 02

  You are privileged.

• 45:16Speaker 01

  But I do understand that I, I, I appreciate my privilege that I do sometimes get away with a lot more than you.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, you do. Anyway, back to tucking.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  You called me a thicko.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Maybe I will, maybe.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  This is the problem with the British class system.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  I'm going, you thick get.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, no, don't, I mean, I'm gonna look, I'm, I might look into this for, if, if there is an etiquette terminology, because of course shirts originally used to be part of underwear originally, whereas now we sort of wear a shirt.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  As whatever, literally what you were wearing today, which is like a sort of waffle effect, um, t-shirt, henley thing, grand and collar. That literally looks like underwear used to look a hundred, two hundred years ago, whereas now you're wearing it as relatively smart.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Didn't they clip the collars on in the old days?

• 46:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, cause collars was detachable, et cetera. So, yes, so.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Which I always thought was pretty cool.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  Oh, they really, they make the shirt look really nice. You can still buy them if you know where to go, but they are a faff. Um, but yes, I'm gonna look into this as to whether, cause I have a thing, shirt tails, I think they did, and maybe we have done this before. Shirt tails.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Shirt tails, ooh.

• 46:26Speaker 02

  You would tie and basically, it would basically become underwear. So there is this anonymous.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, didn't you tie it on, do you like with babies?

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, it basically became like a nappy. So there is a slight precedent, but I would.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  Well, you might have had a shit with one of them on, it'd be everywhere, wouldn't it?

• 46:38Speaker 02

  Well, I don't think you had a shit whilst they were.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  Well, no, I'm buttoning that and then he's have to.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  Voice them up.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  Have you ever tried having a poo with your dressing gown on?

• 46:45Speaker 02

  Well, Jordan, on, on behalf of women.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Have you ever tried having a poo in a dressing gown? It's a nightmare.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  Take the dressing gown off!

• 46:50Speaker 01

  Well, I've learnt that the hard way. That was a one wash on its own. That's all I'm gonna say.

• 46:56Speaker 02

  Can I just say on behalf of women, that's how it is when you wear skirts. So just.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  I never thought of that. Even sometimes.

• 47:03Speaker 02

  You are privileged.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Even sometimes we in, we're dressing gown, and this isn't a sit down, we're a normal way, you piss on the belt and you don't even know.

• 47:10Speaker 02

  You piss on the wash?

• 47:11Speaker 01

  I've pissed on the dressing gown belt before now.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  Take the dressing gown off!

• 47:16Speaker 01

  I know this. It's one of my things that'll go in my book.

• 47:19Speaker 02

  Thicko!

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Thank you. Just, do you know what? If you're in a dressing gown, you're going to the toilet, take it off. Cause they're not made for toilets.

• 47:29Speaker 02

  Thank God for that take home content this week.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  There you go. Take that with you. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can watch and listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you wanna get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected]. We also love hearing back from people we have for advice too. So if that's you, get in touch and we'll see you on Friday.

• 47:52Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Bye bye.