Help I Fact Up! | With Joe Thomas And James Buckley

OOO PODCAST FWIENDS! After months of Jordan's requests (which verged on begging), we've finally got Joe Thomas and James Buckley from 'The Inbetweeners' and the 'Joe and James Fact Up!' podcast in for a chat! First off, the boys step into Joe and James' world (and studio) for a taste of their unique brand of tangent-heavy chat and fact-finding. Then it's over to the wonderfully tame world of Help I Sexted My Boss, where it doesn't take long at all for James Buckley to spot a clone-a-willy and all hell breaks loose. And of course, it wouldn't be a Sexted episode without a few of your dilemmas for all four of the boys to try and solve. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, I'm Luke Jones.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  And I'm Poppy Damon.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  We love all the strange true crime stories that you might flick through on a newspaper and think, "Hang on a minute."

• 0:10Speaker 01

  And this is Strangely, a podcast where every week we bring you the weirdest, wildest stories ripped straight from the headlines or our notebooks from both sides of the Atlantic.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  From the stories that you almost certainly missed in the headlines.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  To the ones you did see and thought, "That's odd," but never got to revisit again.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  If you like strange news.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Unexpected twists.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  And stories that linger on way longer than they should.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  Listen and subscribe now. Search for Strangely wherever you get your podcasts.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome to this very special episode where Help, I Sexed My Boss joins Joe Thomas and James Buckley from the Joe and James Fact Up podcast. I'm not gonna lie, this is something I've been trying to get to happen for ages now.

• 1:00Speaker 00

  Yes, for all the Fact Up listeners out there, hello, we are William Hanson and Jordan North from Help, I Sexed My Boss.

• 1:05Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  I'm deaf in one ear, so William always goes on my good ear.

• 1:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. Sorry. No, you don't support that so much for my deafness.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  Is there a tragic story behind that?

• 1:19Speaker 00

  In fact, you should ask that when we get going.

• 1:20Speaker 03

  We're going.

• 1:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, we're going.

• 1:22Speaker 04

  Well, we are, I don't know. The trouble is, we have to just take everything because we're very inefficient and we might say something good in the beginning without.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  I doubt it.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  We do about a three hour.

• 1:33Speaker 04

  We do about three hours and then they whittle it down to.

• 1:35Speaker 00

  We have the same trainers.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Oh, shit.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  I'm not in trainers today, I'm in a nice suede loafer.

• 1:40Speaker 04

  Well, see, these are very nice.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:43Speaker 04

  Now, these shoes are gradually getting worse and they do have on them, amongst other things, my three-year-old daughter's wee now. So she, the trouble is, is that she literally favors what she calls a bush wee because of Bluey, right? So she will not go to the toilet when the toilet is very, because she prefers going wild. And then the system is I basically just hold her aloft and then it kind of comes out and it goes all over the fucking place. And I just, after the most recent one, I was like, "That's just all over my fucking shoe."

• 2:13Speaker 03

  You know, you're allowed to tell your children not to piss outside.

• 2:15Speaker 04

  I can't, I am not able to do that. She, I don't have any, I have no control over her.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Did you have a wee outside? Did you have a wee on your dad's wheel? You know?

• 2:24Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  On the car?

• 2:25Speaker 04

  No, funnily enough, I didn't.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  I seen a child on the Tube having a wee monos potties yesterday, funnily enough.

• 2:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. She's started getting the potty out as well. I don't know why. It's just.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  Well, on your Tube line, I suspect that all goes on. What doesn't happen on the Elizabeth line?

• 2:40Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  There's more crackheads on there than.

• 2:44Speaker 05

  Not on my trains.

• 2:46Speaker 04

  It's the, um, the Elizabeth line does it like, less stuff would go down on it.

• 2:51Speaker 05

  It's a very executive.

• 2:52Speaker 04

  Better like, yeah.

• 2:53Speaker 05

  For a better class of commuter.

• 2:55Speaker 04

  What do you think's like the roughest line? What's the worst one?

• 2:58Speaker 05

  What's the one you live on?

• 3:00Speaker 04

  Where everyone changes.

• 3:02Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 3:02Speaker 04

  So there's live updates on the map.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  They've just changed that, actually. They've got new trains.

• 3:07Speaker 04

  I used to be on Bakerloo.

• 3:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  It's a really old, it's the oldest one.

• 3:11Speaker 05

  Was that when you were at Elephant Castle, why?

• 3:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, we were at Elephant Castle, well.

• 3:14Speaker 05

  Did you live in Elephant and Castle?

• 3:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, I stayed at Kensington Kensington, and then we were like, it's Elephant Castle, mate.

• 3:19Speaker 05

  It's very gay, Elephant and Castle.

• 3:20Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 3:21Speaker 05

  Yes. It is now.

• 3:23Speaker 04

  Shocked.

• 3:23Speaker 05

  Now you've left.

• 3:25Speaker 04

  I know, I knew it was.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  We've started, by the way. Oh, we have. Oh, we've started. Well, thanks for having, I'm gonna say thanks, Evan, and I feel like I've really pushed this, because I'm trying not to fangirl right now, so I feel like it's me. I don't know if you've wanted to do this, but I've been pushing Stuart.

• 3:40Speaker 05

  They've been made to do this.

• 3:41Speaker 04

  No, but also if you want to get out of, if you want the fangirl thing to wear off for you, just spend some time with us and it will immediately wear off. You don't need to.

• 3:50Speaker 02

  You, you, did you ever watch The Inbetweeners or White Gold or, or even, um?

• 3:55Speaker 05

  I don't really watch television.

• 3:57Speaker 04

  No.

• 3:57Speaker 05

  Fine, fine. But I hear wonderful things.

• 4:00Speaker 04

  Thank you very much.

• 4:01Speaker 05

  I know lots of people love it, and that's wonderful.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  Well.

• 4:04Speaker 05

  And you are both cult figures.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  Yes, well, no, I don't think.

• 4:07Speaker 05

  Say cult?

• 4:08Speaker 04

  Cult.

• 4:08Speaker 05

  Right, okay.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  No, I don't wear.

• 4:10Speaker 05

  Two big cults.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Massive cults.

• 4:14Speaker 02

  Did you ever watch Fresh Meat as well?

• 4:16Speaker 05

  No.

• 4:17Speaker 03

  Really? No, I don't watch.

• 4:18Speaker 04

  Honestly, honestly, and I'll tell you what, I don't really, I don't watch comedy now, cause I can't. It just makes me too anxious. It's like.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  Oh, that's a shame.

• 4:27Speaker 04

  If it's, well, yeah, I mean, basically, it's like, if it's good, I'm jealous. And I'm like, why? I know my career's over. Why? I can't do anything good anymore. And if it's bad, I'm like, fucking hell, is this what it's like when people are watching me? Am I this shit? So it's just, either way, it's just like.

• 4:40Speaker 03

  People love The Inbetweeners.

• 4:42Speaker 04

  Well, I don't take any credit for The Inbetweeners because, I mean, he's very good in it. But I think, he is good in it. I just think, didn't write it, didn't really know what I was doing.

• 4:51Speaker 03

  I've never, I've never watched anything that you or the other boys have ever done.

• 4:55Speaker 04

  I've watched Friday Night Dinner.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  Apparently Friday Night Dinner is meant to be amazing, and Robert Pop is involved.

• 5:00Speaker 04

  It's fantastic, but again, I didn't watch it. And then I wanted to do a retrospective for it. They asked me to do one of those talking heads for it. And I, so I watched the, oh, I'd watched a few episodes of the first series and I was like, I've got to fucking watch all of it. So I watched all of it over the course of about three days.

• 5:16Speaker 03

  Brilliant.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  And I did the talking head and I was just like catatonic with tiredness. And I was just, I knew like a weird amount about it. It was like, I think it's in a series four. Episode three, where it was, and yeah, and also they just didn't use it.

• 5:27Speaker 03

  The novelty of television hasn't worn off on me. Like, I can't watch it. If I was to watch, like, Fresh Meat or Friday Night Dinner or something, I'd just be going, oh, I know that guy.

• 5:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  He's a mate of mine. Someone I know is on the television.

• 5:39Speaker 04

  I mean, when I was a child, television was like a magic thing, like magic, uh, almost I was kind of like, and I really, really thought it was true. Like, if I watched The Bill, I'd be like, this is what the police is like. They wouldn't be able to put it in if it wasn't what the police was like.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  What shows did you grow up watching other than The Bill?

• 5:56Speaker 04

  Um, I, well, first of all, everything. Cause I grew up with the four channels. So it was just like every single thing. I came home, I put the television on. I kept it on if I didn't have any work to do until like one thirty in the morning and then I went to bed and I watched everything. And like, I remember.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  If you didn't have any work to do.

• 6:12Speaker 04

  I didn't, well, no.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  You were a kid.

• 6:14Speaker 04

  Well, I had essays. I mean, for school, what I mean is like, I can't remember from school. I'd watch television until. I don't know, eight, thirty, nine, I'd be like, oh, I've had to do some fucking work. And then I'd and then I'd stay up really, really late doing my, doing my work.

• 6:25Speaker 03

  How old were you? How old were you going, oh, I'd better do some fucking work?

• 6:28Speaker 04

  I suppose, I'll tell you what it was, basically, I would say that uh, fourteen, fourteen.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 6:37Speaker 04

  But I would, I remember, I remember there being literally nothing on. I remember, as in, as in the, the quality of there being nothing on, like when you'd have just the four channels and like, there were honestly, um, there were some really, really like black periods on a Sunday where there was horse racing on two channels.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 04

  And I think, oh, I mean, for fucks, I honestly, I, and I just couldn't even, I couldn't even look at the screen. I couldn't even.

• 7:06Speaker 03

  I was never at home when I was a kid. I was just outside.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  I was the same. I was always out. And I didn't tell you, I was always played football, Kirby, Mannam.

• 7:13Speaker 04

  That sounds much more healthy.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Just wait until it got too dark to see the ball and then you'd have to go home.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:18Speaker 04

  But where did you grow up? In Essex, in, um, a village called Rittle.

• 7:22Speaker 03

  And where did you grow up? I grew up in Essex as well.

• 7:25Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  In Dag, in Dagnum. They call it East London now.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've always, because that's funny, because my headphones have been nicked and they're currently in Dagnum.

• 7:33Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:33Speaker 02

  Have they?

• 7:34Speaker 03

  You're not getting those back.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  How did they get nicked? They're nicked backstage.

• 7:36Speaker 03

  We can try and get them back for you.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  I want, they're in Dagnum, if you know anyone. I'm tracking right now. Cheeky bastard.

• 7:42Speaker 04

  James is a bit of a face in that.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  No, it is. Do you know anyone plugging any, any AirPods?

• 7:47Speaker 05

  With a lot of wax buildup in both of them.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  Oh, he cleaned my AirPods once. I left them at his and he got a lot of them.

• 7:53Speaker 03

  I had to buy a little gadget off Amazon to clean mine, clear the AirPods and the receptacle thing that they come in, because they grim.

• 8:03Speaker 05

  And did it do the job?

• 8:04Speaker 03

  They were really grim, because I don't clean my ears that much.

• 8:07Speaker 05

  Have you not had your ears syringed?

• 8:09Speaker 03

  No, I've got a bit of a phobia about it.

• 8:11Speaker 05

  Why?

• 8:11Speaker 03

  When I was a kid, you know, when you're a kid and your mum like shoves a cotton bud in your ear and it's awful, it's really sort of traumatic.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  You're not meant to, you're not meant to use them for cleaning your ears.

• 8:20Speaker 03

  I was told, don't put anything bigger than your elbow in your ear.

• 8:23Speaker 04

  I was told that, and it doesn't make any sense, does it?

• 8:26Speaker 05

  How can you fit your elbow in your ear?

• 8:27Speaker 04

  Exactly, exactly. The doctor used to say to my mum, you shouldn't put anything in your ear bigger than your elbow. And my mum thought it was this amazing witticism. This was like Wildian. It was like, oh, I'll tell you what Doctor Vincent says, it does make me laugh. Don't bring anything bigger. I was like, it doesn't make, it's not funny. It doesn't make sense.

• 8:43Speaker 05

  Well, talking of ears, before we got going, we were talking about Jordan being deaf in one ear. Now asking the story.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, go on, what's, what's happened?

• 8:48Speaker 05

  Especially if you've got a phobia.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  William just finds it hilarious, but basically, I, I, I've been deaf in one ear since I was 14.

• 8:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  My bike in the shed, my mum said, don't leave your bike out, or you'll get nicked. So I went and put my bike in the shed, my ear burst, popped, as I've been deaf ever since.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  Putting your bike in the shed?

• 9:09Speaker 05

  I'm making it in very badly.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  Trying to put something bigger than your elbow in there?

• 9:12Speaker 02

  What were you just? I was just putting it on, my ear burst and I went, my ears burst, my mum went, you'll be right, and then two weeks later, I was like, still can't hear out that ear.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  What? Hang on, because this is terrifying. Did you do some, was you, did you do something physically? Just walk it, just doing your bike, oh god.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  And it's like bursting, eardrum and it's damaged it. But someone did say, but then someone said that's, I've said this a few times with a medical professional, where it's apparently it's close to like an amarism or something, you know, when people just.

• 9:37Speaker 05

  Aneurysm.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. So it's quite serious, but we laugh now. And then I got a, um, I got a.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  Well, everyone was laughing at the time. He couldn't hear that.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  I got a hearing aid and it, it came on the NHS and they put a Burnley badge in it to try and like make me wear it, but I went to a school in Preston, so.

• 9:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, yeah, you get shit kicked out, yeah, yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Exactly. And then it came in a, a pink and yellow lunchbox with, I promise you, Ellie the Elephant on the front, who had a hearing aid in. Imagine being in year 10.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  Ellie the Elephant or Nellie the Elephant?

• 10:06Speaker 02

  It was like, I'd call it Ellie the Elephant.

• 10:08Speaker 05

  Ellie the Elephant.

• 10:09Speaker 02

  You know, you put your bags down at school to play football and it's like, it was those drawstring bags that everyone had.

• 10:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  And they nicked it out of it and they wanted me to chase after it and I was just like, um, just, and I've never seen it since.

• 10:20Speaker 05

  It's in Dagenham.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  Honestly, it's probably in Dagenham.

• 10:22Speaker 03

  It's your AirPods, yeah.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  So they'd like, you know, on the like lads or the bullies took it out and they were like trying to throw it and they wanted me to catch it and they were just kicking it around the yard. That's for, I'm, I'm not even bothered, I never wore it and I've not seen it since.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  School's awful, isn't it?

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 05

  School is relentless.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Unless you're William, who loved school, like.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  I did like school.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  Where did you go to school, William?

• 10:41Speaker 05

  I went to school in Bristol.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  Was it balding or something like that?

• 10:44Speaker 05

  We, we call them in the independent sector, but yes, I, I was, I was, went to an independent school.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  You're fascinated by William a bit, aren't you?

• 10:52Speaker 03

  Well, because I'm just common as muck, I'm just really.

• 10:54Speaker 05

  No, don't be silly.

• 10:55Speaker 03

  I do think, I do appreciate manners and things like that.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  Good.

• 10:58Speaker 03

  Making people feel comfortable and, uh. But I am, I nearly wore a boating blazer today.

• 11:04Speaker 05

  Oh, did you?

• 11:04Speaker 03

  And, and some loafers. And I just thought.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  And what's dropped you?

• 11:07Speaker 03

  You're trying too hard, James. Relax. I'm sure, I'm sure he'll like you.

• 11:11Speaker 05

  Man is not about trying to make everyone sort of the same. We want you to be your authentic self.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 11:16Speaker 05

  Yeah. And that, that's what we've got.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  Could just say as well, look, oh, this is like, Matt, look, that's the best album, my favourite ever album.

• 11:23Speaker 05

  The Arctic Monkeys album.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  We've got all these films here.

• 11:26Speaker 05

  Why have you got S Club so, I mean, I like S Club, don't get me wrong, but.

• 11:29Speaker 04

  We were going for a sort of, um, nineties, like, you know.

• 11:34Speaker 03

  We wanted this to look like a nineties bedroom.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  Hmm. It does.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  That was maybe on a sitcom or something. You know, when you, you, you, you won't know, but when you grew up watching television.

• 11:44Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  My family.

• 11:45Speaker 03

  You'd watch something like Saved by the Bell or something like that, and you'd go, God, I'd wish I had his bedroom. He's so cool. He's got everything.

• 11:51Speaker 05

  I always used to think that about Hyacinth and Richard's bedroom and keep them appearances.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  Right.

• 11:55Speaker 05

  With the floral wallpaper. And that's influenced my life.

• 11:58Speaker 04

  And he's got, that's good too.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  Got that.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  I've basically got that so far.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  He actually has got that so far. Oh, yeah.

• 12:04Speaker 04

  Well, that's a nice bedroom as well.

• 12:05Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  And, um, but yeah, that's what we've, that's what we've gone for. So I think, I think I'm still kind of, I think I'm still kind of in that. Era in my head and I'm just sort of.

• 12:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  Every day surprised that it's not stayed exactly the same. And that's pretty much my perennial reaction.

• 12:22Speaker 05

  The nineties were a great era.

• 12:23Speaker 04

  They were a great era.

• 12:24Speaker 03

  It's a good time to be a kid. You've got.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Good entertainment, but not too much.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  Only four channels.

• 12:34Speaker 04

  Only four channels and.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  It was five towards the end, wasn't it?

• 12:37Speaker 02

  Never got it where I were though.

• 12:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, for, for some people.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  Got it with grandma's and she thought it was mucky. It used to show soft porn, do you remember?

• 12:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:45Speaker 05

  Eurotrash.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  No, no, they used to show like soft porn.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  No, that was Channel Four and Eurotrash.

• 12:48Speaker 04

  Eurotrash was.

• 12:50Speaker 03

  I once, um, I was staying at my nan's house and we were watching Channel Five and she fell asleep in the evening. And then it cut to like, and coming up next is the erotic drama for the evening. And she was asleep. And I was just looking at this television going, oh God, some boobs and stuff going on. I just ran out the room.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  I just left the room, I was like, I'm going to bed, bye.

• 13:15Speaker 04

  And you were how old, sixteen?

• 13:16Speaker 03

  I was, uh, no, I was about seventeen, eighteen.

• 13:21Speaker 03

  I was staying there for a, for a week. I was working in, she was, she was, lived in Croydon, I was working there for a week, so I stayed with my nan. And I was just having a lovely evening with her and then she nodded off while we were watching the television and, and then all the rules changed.

• 13:35Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 13:36Speaker 03

  And I was like, I've got to get out of it. I've got to leave this situation as quickly as possible.

• 13:41Speaker 04

  Well, you.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  She had the remote as well. She had the remote, which was the problem.

• 13:45Speaker 04

  Oh, was it like when the jailers asleep on the keys?

• 13:47Speaker 03

  It was a bit like, yeah, it was like, I've got to make my escape now.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Lift up the arm. You know, to get, she just ran out. We were talking before you guys came about how James once leapt out the window of a moving train as well. So you're voting to the fight or flight?

• 14:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm just, yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Just go.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  If I can just, if I had an ejector seat. In social situations, I would just press that button sometimes.

• 14:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  I just go, I'm like, I can't cope with this.

• 14:11Speaker 04

  I'm actually, I'm actually quite impressed by, so it was when they had those windows in the trains that you pulled down like that.

• 14:16Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 04

  And he'd missed the station or something, you were going the wrong way.

• 14:20Speaker 03

  It was a, it was a fast train.

• 14:22Speaker 05

  The train was still adjacent to the platform, presumably.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  It was going past the platform that I needed to get off at. And, um, I'd, I'd accidentally got on a fast train that was skipping certain stations. And I was like, I'm not going all the way, not finishing up there to come all the way back again. So I just chucked my bag out and, and rolled out the train.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  And onto the platform?

• 14:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, it must have been going about.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  How fast was the train going?

• 14:45Speaker 03

  It must have been going about forty miles an hour.

• 14:47Speaker 05

  We don't encourage that at home.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Absolutely nuts now. Like, I really did, um, like graze all my back and stuff.

• 14:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:55Speaker 03

  Cause I rolled out.

• 14:55Speaker 04

  Do you feel a bit shortchanged, Jordan? Because he did that and didn't hurt himself at all. He just wanted to put your bike back.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Def in one.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  I quite like your story because.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  Also, what's the lesson there as well?

• 15:05Speaker 04

  In your story, I feel like you've sort of vaguely blamed your mum a bit. If she had a moment, put my bike in there. But it wasn't that that caused it, was it? Like, unless it was.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  Cause I'd be like, well, lesson learned. I'm not fucking putting my bike back or anything.

• 15:19Speaker 04

  You have like a really loud bell and your jock went ding.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  I honestly don't know. I just, I just remember it popping, like being on an airplane and thinking, that's weird, because the altitude can't change in a shit.

• 15:31Speaker 05

  I, I think they should make a film of it and we could call it Death Became Her.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  That's very good, actually.

• 15:42Speaker 05

  Yeah. It's on many levels. Yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  What are we doing?

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, what are we doing?

• 15:47Speaker 05

  Let us know when we start recording.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  We've got a factoid as well.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  We should maybe say, welcome, what, what show is this? This is your show. This is our show. Yeah. Right, because this is bizarre, this situation.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Because I've started listening, so you know Chris Stark I do the radio with?

• 16:01Speaker 03

  No.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  He said to me, say hello, apparently you worked together on some games console thing. He was like, he was like, oh, it's really good, their podcast, of what he went, and as well, he went, of all the podcasts out at the moment, I don't give a crap about any, but there's just really, I went, yeah.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, Chrissy Boy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, the big, the big C.

• 16:24Speaker 04

  Do you remember when you developed that console with him and you were just going on and on about it?

• 16:27Speaker 03

  I feel like I'd remember something like that.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  You did some, it might have been Sony and you met, it would have been on Radio One.

• 16:34Speaker 04

  You developed Playstation Six, I think.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  That's right, yeah.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  He would have been on Radio One.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  What's his name?

• 16:39Speaker 02

  Chris Stark. Crouchy does the Crouchy podcast.

• 16:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  Eh, did that really like viral interview with Mylakounis years ago that changed how junkets are done now. He was on Radio One for years. He's like, he's pretty, you know, it's, he's.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  How long did I spend with this guy?

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Probably a full day filming.

• 16:58Speaker 03

  Right.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  But he said, he, he, yeah, anyway, he.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  I don't remember him, but he sounds like a great guy.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  Oh, he's, he's, he's a good guy.

• 17:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  He is.

• 17:06Speaker 05

  And what was he saying?

• 17:07Speaker 02

  Just said that.

• 17:08Speaker 05

  Say hello.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Say hello, and I really like the podcast, and that's, that's why it's a bit mad that this worked, because obviously.

• 17:13Speaker 05

  He's unsubscribed now.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  No, we're just, tell him I said who.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  And audio always make hell by sex on my boss. And your podcast as well.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, and that's, and I've been saying, can we do a collab? Because we often do collabs with other podcasts.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Right.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Is this your first one?

• 17:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  We can tell.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  Well, this is it, right? We don't, we don't do guests, do we?

• 17:39Speaker 02

  No, we don't, but just every now and then, we don't do guests, but every now and then we'll collab with people that we've other podcasts, and it's good, so maybe now some of our listeners might start listening to you, and that's how awesome your listeners might be.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, we should benefit more than you guys. So, like, we know why we're here.

• 17:59Speaker 02

  So crack on as well.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  It's a bit lopsided, I'll be honest with you, the benefits, but we appreciate it.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you.

• 18:06Speaker 04

  And also, I mean, the reason we appear confused is that we are still not really on favour, oh favour with our format, are we?

• 18:13Speaker 03

  No, yeah, we don't know what this podcast is.

• 18:15Speaker 04

  Our podcast is supposed to be about facts.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, sometimes we do, yeah.

• 18:18Speaker 04

  We sometimes do them, sometimes James forgets and.

• 18:21Speaker 03

  Because you know you're not allowed to just go, oh, because my, I said to you, oh, we should do a podcast together.

• 18:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:28Speaker 03

  I'm sure someone will make it, it'll be fine, like, it's a no brainer.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  You have to have a format.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  And I was like.

• 18:33Speaker 05

  No brainer is how they described this.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  There's still, there's no brain involved at all with the making this podcast.

• 18:40Speaker 04

  The brain gets in the way, really, I think of.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  But you have to have a format, don't you? You're not allowed to, we touched hands, sorry.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  We sometimes touch feet.

• 18:48Speaker 03

  You can't just say, oh, me and Joe just make each other laugh for an hour. There's got to be like a sort of like, well, there needs to be some sort of idea. And I went, well, all right, we'll, we'll tell each other.

• 18:59Speaker 05

  Don't worry too much about the format.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  Well, no, we haven't. We haven't, we haven't spent any time on the format.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  We've done prep, we've got facts, we've.

• 19:07Speaker 04

  Have you?

• 19:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, we've done our favourite comedy.

• 19:12Speaker 03

  Too hard. Well, that's the difference really between a successful podcast and our one, I suppose.

• 19:17Speaker 04

  I have started reading the.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  How much thought do you put into this podcast during the week, just out of interest?

• 19:22Speaker 04

  Well, I li-.

• 19:22Speaker 03

  Nah, you're lying.

• 19:23Speaker 04

  No, I, I listen, I do listen back to.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Ah, do you listen back?

• 19:26Speaker 04

  I listen, I listen back.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  That'll stop.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  I've told you not to listen to it.

• 19:31Speaker 05

  He skips through your bits.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  Because you start panicking.

• 19:35Speaker 04

  I listen back and I go, oh, did I make it sound like some T-shirts are better than other T-shirts?

• 19:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:42Speaker 04

  And I go to Hannah and she goes.

• 19:44Speaker 03

  People that like those T-shirts, and they're going to come after me.

• 19:46Speaker 04

  And I, and I go to Hannah and she's like.

• 19:48Speaker 03

  Stop listening to it.

• 19:48Speaker 04

  Just, you're mental and stop talking to me. And.

• 19:53Speaker 02

  Stop talking to me, it's good.

• 19:54Speaker 04

  Well, if you don't start talking to me, I think it's like, start talking to me if it's this sort of shit.

• 19:58Speaker 05

  The time, the time to worry is when you have entire chats with your production team in WhatsApp groups as to whether you think you're going to be sued by Daddy Pig, which potentially happened this week.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  I was genuinely.

• 20:08Speaker 05

  That's when you should start to worry.

• 20:09Speaker 02

  My, my issue is, if it's usually fine on a podcast when they clip it up and put it on social media.

• 20:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  Cause people don't get the context, it's like a thirty second clip of it. So I'm like, I would say, don't clip that up or, and it's fine to keep in the episode.

• 20:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  So they, they clipped up a bit this week of me saying Daddy Pig is known for being a bit misogynistic. And I, genuine chat in our group was,

• 20:28Speaker 04

  It's your opinion.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  Will we get sued by the makers of this?

• 20:30Speaker 04

  We won't.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  Will I get sued?

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Um, got any facts?

• 20:35Speaker 02

  My facts that I like to tell people, but forgive me if you've known it, but it always blows people's minds. Do you know why soap operas are called soap operas?

• 20:42Speaker 03

  I do actually, yeah.

• 20:43Speaker 04

  I don't know why. I don't know.

• 20:45Speaker 05

  And there might be listeners listening that, there might be listeners listening that don't know.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  A degree in media studies, yes, yeah.

• 20:52Speaker 04

  Can I take a guess?

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 20:53Speaker 04

  But this is probably wrong. Is it an acronym?

• 20:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:55Speaker 04

  No, okay, that's all I had.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  It's because when they started in, um, the fifties in American television.

• 21:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Uh, they're running the daytime. A lot of Housewives watched them and they were predominantly sponsored by soap powders.

• 21:07Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  So they were nicknamed in a tabloid as soap operas.

• 21:11Speaker 04

  Soap operas.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  So that's why I tell people that. And it's usually northern women of a certain age that find that fascinating.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  Isn't there another thing about, what is it called? Is it Kitchen Sync Drama or something like that?

• 21:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, it's very in the eighties, like Rita Sue and Bob Two and that.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  Is that the same sort of thing?

• 21:27Speaker 04

  I think Kitchen Sync Drama was meant to be like, drama was seen as very sort of highfalutin and all about dinner parties and stuff. And so then you had like a new wave of writers.

• 21:37Speaker 05

  Pinter.

• 21:38Speaker 04

  Yeah. And it was more like, actually life's about, you know, being in a crummy boarding house and like, there not been any milk and like, there's a draft and that sort of thing. And like, that, I think that's Kitchen Sync. I feel like Kitchen Sync is a bit, um. Is it sort of mildly derogatory if you say something's a bit kitchen sink, you're like, oh, it's just a bit like, you're just kind of putting in stuff to make it seem hard edged and.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Another one, don't quote me on this because I have time to Google it.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  That's fine.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  But you know why we go on a chat show or a radio show to plug something?

• 22:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. Plug the, the, the phrase to plug something. Yeah, no, I don't know that.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Because you know, the old, um, again, I might have to check this, but you know, the old.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  We never check anything.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  Pirate radio stations, they were on ships and one, the owner of that was called, it was called Captain Plug or something.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  Right.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  And that was his surname and that's when, because it was all BBC then, so you could go on to promote stuff. So you could plug it apparently.

• 22:36Speaker 04

  Oh, I see.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  And I think he got money from it on some way.

• 22:39Speaker 04

  Whereas on the BBC you couldn't.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:41Speaker 04

  Because you can't advertise on the BBC.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I think it was called plugging.

• 22:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  That's where I think it comes from.

• 22:47Speaker 03

  I'd like to do a bit of plugging.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  William.

• 22:49Speaker 05

  My, my fact is that a tablecloth for a buffet must touch the floor, whereas for a dinner, it needs to be off the floor.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 22:57Speaker 04

  Did you know that?

• 22:58Speaker 03

  I didn't know that. All I know is that my tablecloths have to not come off the table at all whatsoever.

• 23:05Speaker 05

  Right.

• 23:06Speaker 03

  Because my dog will grab it.

• 23:07Speaker 05

  Oh, then I suggest you don't do buffets.

• 23:10Speaker 04

  No. And if you do do buffets, don't put like, you know, doggy treats and so.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Why does it have to touch the floor for a buffet?

• 23:18Speaker 05

  So you don't see any of the table legs because you wouldn't have chairs or anything because a buffet you wouldn't have.

• 23:22Speaker 04

  Ah, of course. Okay.

• 23:26Speaker 05

  Would be, I suspect, just the logic.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  But I mean.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  Impressed with that, boys?

• 23:30Speaker 04

  I, I, no, I am, I'm, I'm.

• 23:32Speaker 05

  How many, how many tablecloth facts do you normally do on this podcast?

• 23:35Speaker 04

  Um, we, we, we, yeah.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  That's our first tablecloth fact, but I would like to expand on it a little bit. I've still got questions.

• 23:41Speaker 04

  I could, I could see us, we, I, we, I could.

• 23:43Speaker 03

  So I like the, I like the history of these, um, you know, these sort of things that you do.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 23:49Speaker 03

  Maybe they don't make sense now.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  Come to the right man.

• 23:52Speaker 03

  So what, what was the, what, what is it about the, the legs of a?

• 23:56Speaker 05

  Well, the Victorian, it's probably a rule that was, was created in the Victorian era because the Victorians were quite sort of prudish. They used to cut, they used to put skirts around piano, grand pianos because they thought that, um, piano legs were a bit erotic.

• 24:08Speaker 03

  A bit too sexy.

• 24:08Speaker 05

  Yeah. So they, they would cover them up. Yeah.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  I'm always Googling piano legs.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 03

  Must sneak off to the toilet.

• 24:17Speaker 04

  Oh, embarrassing when the history comes up, isn't it? No, no. Just die a Steinway.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  I was gonna say Yamaha.

• 24:25Speaker 04

  Yamaha.

• 24:26Speaker 05

  Do you have an upright at home?

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Uh, I used to, uh, I did used to have an upright. Yeah, I used to, um, I had an old church piano.

• 24:33Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  It was, uh, it was.

• 24:35Speaker 04

  It's quite posh.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  It cost, uh, cause I like music and stuff like that and instruments and things. And I was obsessed with playing guitar and all sorts of instruments. And I asked my parents for a piano and I didn't want a keyboard. I wanted a, an actual stringed piano. So I could use the pedals and stuff like that.

• 24:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  Um, and they managed to find one that a church was selling for 200 quid.

• 24:57Speaker 04

  Fair play.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  But I had to go and get it with Ferg, my mate Ferg.

• 25:01Speaker 04

  Ferg was, yeah.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  And, um, we, we turned up in a Hilux, Toyota Hilux pickup truck.

• 25:09Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  And the bloke went to us, oh, have you got a piano truck? And he went, uh, yeah, trucks outside. And he, and he meant like a sort of something that you put the piano on wheels so you could wheel it to the.

• 25:21Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:22Speaker 03

  But we didn't have that. We had to like move it ourselves. It was pain in the ass. Good present. I was like, thanks for that.

• 25:30Speaker 04

  My mom once got me, um, a sweatshirt.

• 25:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 04

  And it still had the tag, you know, that, that big, the, the rigid plastic, yeah, flying circles of shape. And she was like, I did pay for it, but they just didn't take this off. And I was like, well.

• 25:43Speaker 05

  That's gonna be very uncomfortable.

• 25:44Speaker 04

  I don't, well, I don't know what to do. I, I, I had to like cut it out.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  They burst, don't they?

• 25:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, I always got.

• 25:50Speaker 04

  Well, no, not.

• 25:51Speaker 03

  Don't you get like ink coming out?

• 25:52Speaker 04

  Well, they don't burst if you cut a sufficiently large piece of fabric away with it.

• 25:56Speaker 03

  Right.

• 25:56Speaker 04

  Which is what I did. So now I was like, I've just got a sweatshirt with a massive hole in the back of the collar.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Thanks, man.

• 26:03Speaker 04

  Thanks.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  I'm usually way more structured than you. I'm usually trying to keep Joe, but I'm just.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  Well.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  It, it honestly feels like, like the last day of school for me at the moment.

• 26:12Speaker 05

  Got a video on.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  I've just got a bit too excited.

• 26:14Speaker 05

  This could be the last ever episode of your podcast because Jordan's been on it. And we have a recurring joke that anything Jordan does, it normally ends.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  I, I've hosted TV shows and it's you, they.

• 26:24Speaker 05

  They don't normally go past series one.

• 26:26Speaker 04

  Never go past.

• 26:26Speaker 05

  Or the pilot.

• 26:27Speaker 04

  I was on Saturday Night Takeaway, the year I was on, they stopped doing it. Roll out the deck.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  I've got, I had a, before the in betweeners, I had a bit of a track record of that.

• 26:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:35Speaker 03

  I was constantly doing pilots and never got made.

• 26:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Um, I was in, I was in the last series of a TV show called Teachers on Channel Four.

• 26:43Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  Which was genuinely a really, really successful TV show. Uh, and yeah, I, I, I, I went on it one series and they were like, right, that's the end of that then.

• 26:53Speaker 04

  I think I might have ruined the British Comedy Awards.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  When?

• 26:56Speaker 04

  Cause I had to present an award once and they were like, just before, this award is sponsored um by a charity for people who've got cystic fibrosis.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Right.

• 27:07Speaker 04

  And I went out.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  You did a load of.

• 27:09Speaker 04

  No, no, also what I was meant to go out and say, look, this is a really great uh charity, like there's loads of research into cystic fibrosis and um so that's a great thing and that would have been fine.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 04

  And instead I went out and I just forgot to say anything about cystic fibrosis.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 27:26Speaker 04

  And the bloke went, here are the nominees for best stand up. And they read out the nominees and he went, and the winner is, and I went, oh, fuck, I just very quickly, sorry. Cystic fibrosis is a really um uh life changing condition, but there is a lot of hope. We can do like genetic research into it and um and the guy and, and they were just. And then after that, they said, and the winner is.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  And he came up and he was re, he was genuinely angry with me, he wouldn't shake my hand and.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Who was it?

• 27:58Speaker 04

  It, I can't remember, but I remember his, his um shtick upon coming up was very much fucking hell.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  And then after that, they didn't do the British Comedy Awards anymore, showed us your colours.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  I stopped going to uh awards things.

• 28:09Speaker 04

  I've stopped going as well, do you know why?

• 28:11Speaker 02

  You're not invited.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  No, but I mean, even when we were like, even when um.

• 28:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  Like the Empire Awards.

• 28:16Speaker 04

  I've stopped going to LA as well, do you know that? I've just stopped going.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  Back in the days where we were actually getting awards, um I stopped going, I couldn't do it anymore. I think I went to one NTAs once years ago. I was just like, this is a weird situation.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  They're boring.

• 28:30Speaker 02

  You've been to the podcast award yet?

• 28:33Speaker 03

  No, we've not, no, we're not going anywhere near those.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, you've, you've got to come.

• 28:37Speaker 04

  No, not yet.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  There's, there's about forty awards.

• 28:40Speaker 03

  We might present.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:42Speaker 02

  You'll get asked, trust me, you'll be asked.

• 28:43Speaker 03

  We might present, but we're not gonna uh.

• 28:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  We're not gonna be going up.

• 28:47Speaker 04

  And also, and also, can I say, I, I, I also won't be asked to present. Because, because I fuck that up as well.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  They'd be lucky. They'd be lucky to have us present.

• 28:56Speaker 04

  They'd be lucky to have me and I'm so sorry.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  Four hours.

• 28:59Speaker 04

  I'm so sorry for trying to help people who live with cystic fibrosis. Sorry.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:04Speaker 04

  Gagged.

• 29:07Speaker 04

  Gagged.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  What year was that?

• 29:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what I wanna know as well.

• 29:10Speaker 04

  Twenty fifteen or something. It was, but it was, um, but I, I think I was responsible for like, that was the death knell for it. Like, I was already getting a bit shit and then they were like, well, not after this. This is, this is embarrassing and.

• 29:27Speaker 04

  So I, yeah, I, I think I can actually posit causality there. It wasn't just a coincidence. It was like, not now.

• 29:34Speaker 05

  I don't know if we should invite you onto Sexton now.

• 29:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, no, because I've.

• 29:39Speaker 03

  It's a genuine, yeah, no, no, it's a.

• 29:41Speaker 05

  It's a concern.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would.

• 29:43Speaker 05

  You and Jordan.

• 29:44Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 29:45Speaker 05

  Stand alone.

• 29:45Speaker 04

  My god, yeah.

• 29:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, it could be calamity twin.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  I've been going nine years.

• 29:50Speaker 03

  You do live stuff a lot, right? You're on the radio. That's live and everything.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, everything more, yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 03

  It's terrifying.

• 29:55Speaker 05

  There's a slight delay, but.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  No, there isn't.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Do you have a dump button?

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, just for callers, just in case.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  But just because you never ever know what they're gonna say.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  Now, would you like to come to our studio, which is literally just opposite?

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 05

  And come on to help us sext with my boss?

• 30:11Speaker 03

  Really? Oh, yeah.

• 30:12Speaker 05

  We would be honoured.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  For the second part, we, we get a lot of like dilemmas and filthy emails and stuff. So we think you'd be good at that.

• 30:19Speaker 04

  Yeah. Do you, if you still want us to come on, then we'd be honoured. I don't know whether I've necessarily.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Just to let you know, our most famous dilemma is a, a girl was house-sitting for her parents. She got drunk one night, found a dildo under the bed, started using it. It was giving her the best pleasure of her life all week. And then she found out it was cloned to her dad's penis.

• 30:42Speaker 05

  It was what is called a clone of Willie, which is a thing.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  And she found out the best.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  Orgasm was.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Was from her. So there you go. That's the sort of thing we get.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  Maybe sneeze it was. So salacious.

• 30:54Speaker 04

  Why is she so?

• 30:56Speaker 02

  So that's.

• 30:56Speaker 05

  I mean, why is she using him as extra?

• 30:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, in a way, I'd.

• 30:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's loads of questions there.

• 31:00Speaker 05

  It's Freudian.

• 31:00Speaker 04

  My goodness.

• 31:01Speaker 05

  Well, I, I, I cannot.

• 31:04Speaker 04

  Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

• 31:05Speaker 05

  I'm sorry. I was saying, well, after the break, we can have more, more of that.

• 31:07Speaker 03

  There we go. Structure.

• 31:13Speaker 06

  1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, "You're nicked. You're in a lot of trouble." But was he set up? Wanted, I'd fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.

• 31:37Speaker 07

  You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?

• 31:39Speaker 06

  I'm Jacey Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  Welcome back. Now it's time for Joe and James from Fact Up to experience Help, I Sex and My Boss with questions and dilemmas from our G and D'Vas. And we've moved studio, haven't we?

• 31:59Speaker 05

  We have, yes. You won't get that if you're listening, but if you're watching on any of the visual platforms, you will see that we've gone from blue to red, much like the country.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  We would like to give you our signature drink. We always start ours with, I know you've got a bottle of Stella with you, James.

• 32:13Speaker 05

  This will pair beautifully.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  Have you ever, do you drink, Joe?

• 32:16Speaker 05

  Well, I can have it. Yeah, I have one.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Okay, all right, okay. It's called...

• 32:20Speaker 05

  It's not very alcoholic, so.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  What is Dubonnet? It's gin and Dubonnet. It's often known as the Queen Mum, it's the Queen's mother's favourite drink.

• 32:28Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  But Dubonnet is like, it's a...

• 32:31Speaker 05

  Fortified wine, isn't it? Yes, it's like, just because you fingered that ice cube, dropped it back in, realised you should have used tongue, you've already touched it.

• 32:38Speaker 02

  Well, that's all right. I'll have that one, then.

• 32:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's touched both. Indeed, yeah. Dubai is like a port, it's a fortified red wine, but it's lighter than port, it's not as heavy. It's a secret recipe, we don't know it.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Look at Joe's face.

• 32:52Speaker 05

  And it's, it is a, it's a, it's a hearty drink.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I mean...

• 32:56Speaker 04

  It gets you pissed.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  Is it sweet? Is it a sweet?

• 32:58Speaker 05

  It can be, yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  Like a sort of sherry sort of?

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a sherry-ish vibe, but it gets you like a giddy girly drunk. Do you get what I mean?

• 33:05Speaker 03

  That's fine. That's good, because we've got an episode of our podcast to shoot straight off of this, so.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, that'll be fine.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  This is gonna be great.

• 33:12Speaker 05

  If you, normally you have it with slice of lemon or orange.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 33:16Speaker 05

  That's not been provided today.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  That's how you, it doesn't matter, it's fine.

• 33:19Speaker 05

  But I'll get you to imagine it.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  I'm free pouring as well.

• 33:21Speaker 05

  It's normally two parts Dubonnet, one part gin.

• 33:23Speaker 02

  Oh, I do two and two.

• 33:25Speaker 05

  Which is, yeah.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have a feeling the Queen Mum, you know.

• 33:29Speaker 05

  She lived to 101, so.

• 33:31Speaker 04

  She was doing a two and two, wasn't she?

• 33:32Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  That should do. I have a super nacho. Oh, you see, thanks so much for doing this, because like I said, I was... Big fan of the in-betweeners.

• 33:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, bloody, oh yeah, alright, yeah, no, that's, that's, that's nice.

• 33:44Speaker 03

  Is that the stuff?

• 33:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's like, um.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  It's good, it's a good garden drink.

• 33:51Speaker 03

  That's lovely.

• 33:51Speaker 05

  There we go, oh, I'm so glad you like it.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Cheers, boys.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  Cheers.

• 33:56Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  Oh, don't, don't clink, it's common.

• 34:00Speaker 04

  Is that right?

• 34:01Speaker 05

  You might get away with that.

• 34:03Speaker 03

  Make sure that we're all trustworthy and that we're not.

• 34:05Speaker 05

  Well, it was, yes, well done, yes, but we are.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Cheers, cheers, cheers.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  Cheers.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  That's so nice that actually cheers, he won't, he won't.

• 34:13Speaker 04

  We're just, yeah.

• 34:15Speaker 05

  Will you do it for me? No, it's in my contract.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 34:18Speaker 05

  They have to pay me extra if I clink.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  That's really nice.

• 34:21Speaker 02

  We appreciate this and welcome to our new studio that all our listeners hate, so.

• 34:25Speaker 04

  Why do they hate it?

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Because nobody likes change and we decided we needed a new, a new.

• 34:31Speaker 04

  Well, you have to get them used to change.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  I know.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  You know, the world's going to change.

• 34:35Speaker 03

  People get used to it, yeah.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, these are all our favourite things here, that's my dead dog Frank.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  That's Burnley there.

• 34:42Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  I feel like, you know, when your mate comes to you, you, you want to be mates with someone at school and you back them around to your house and you show them your bedroom for the first time.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  It's my fish tank.

• 34:52Speaker 03

  I used to make a joke, like, when I was like, sort of nineteen, twenty or something like that, like, way too old. I, I used to go, like, if I'd go around my mates, I'd go, right, where's your toys? Where's all your stuff? Where's all your stuff?

• 35:04Speaker 04

  That's sweet.

• 35:05Speaker 03

  Just your little joke.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  That's what I feel, it's so.

• 35:07Speaker 02

  I'm showing them around.

• 35:08Speaker 05

  I would have friends around to my bedroom and show them something I like as well.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  Bet you did in your struggle.

• 35:14Speaker 03

  Also, it wasn't one of, one of the toys that you were telling me about earlier? About that girl that fell in love with a.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  We've got one of them, clone a little.

• 35:22Speaker 05

  Clearly.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  There should be one.

• 35:23Speaker 04

  Actually, I did.

• 35:24Speaker 02

  Where is it?

• 35:25Speaker 04

  It's outside, I saw it on the way in, yeah.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, it's on the way in, so you can take that home if you want, because we actually got loads sent in. Do you want to clone your penis?

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Penis? Uh, yeah.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Apparently, it's, we've had a few listeners use, because they, basically, they sent them in after that.

• 35:39Speaker 03

  Right.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  Went viral. Apparently, a lot of listeners have said it's quite hard to stay erect for the, for that long, because you've got to keep it in till the end.

• 35:46Speaker 03

  We could probably just use one kit between us as well.

• 35:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, we, yeah, we'd be, yeah, I'll do the bottom half and you can do, you do the end.

• 35:54Speaker 02

  So, yeah. But we, the reason why we're doing this.

• 35:57Speaker 04

  Because that does confuse me, because it is, sorry, children, I, I, I'm. That guy must have a great penis. That's all I'm thinking. I mean, what have I?

• 36:05Speaker 02

  A dad.

• 36:06Speaker 04

  I don't, I don't.

• 36:06Speaker 05

  I'm trying to get the address.

• 36:09Speaker 04

  I don't know whether Hannah has one of these, but I very much doubt it would be a clone of my penis. Because I have a, like, level up, for God's sake. I mean, do you know what I mean?

• 36:17Speaker 03

  Who's using all of that?

• 36:19Speaker 04

  That's mental.

• 36:19Speaker 05

  That's a glow-in-the-dark one as well.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  That's ridiculous.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  That's a glow-in-the-dark one.

• 36:22Speaker 04

  This is ridiculous. This stuff is just put out to make men feel bad. Like, look at the fucking ludicrous.

• 36:27Speaker 03

  I feel terrible now. Sorry, Claire. That's my wife. I won't need all of that.

• 36:34Speaker 04

  That's mental.

• 36:34Speaker 05

  No.

• 36:35Speaker 04

  Honestly.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  We could make two.

• 36:37Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 36:37Speaker 05

  They also do, as we discovered, they do clone a pussy.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  Right. That seems invasive.

• 36:44Speaker 05

  Well, it's a different technique, I'm told.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  How did they do that?

• 36:47Speaker 05

  I don't, well, I don't know. I'm not gonna find out.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 36:50Speaker 05

  Not much need.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  Um, hey, we'll leave that one, B B.

• 36:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, we'll leave it with you. When we see, when we see you in a few weeks in the studio and when we cross corridors, let us know how you got on.

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, we'll do it.

• 37:01Speaker 05

  Shall we go on to the dilemmas? We, by the way, have no idea what is coming up. So whilst you might think that we prepare our podcast, we don't prepare this bit.

• 37:08Speaker 04

  No.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  So we read them for the first time.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:11Speaker 02

  And then react to them.

• 37:11Speaker 04

  Well, I, I think, I agree with that. I think you want the spontaneous reaction.

• 37:14Speaker 05

  Exactly. Um, our first dilemma is from Chloe.

• 37:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 37:17Speaker 05

  Hi, boys. I work in a secondary school and one morning I'm walking into work, coffee in hand, when I pass a group of year ten lads huddle together looking deeply suspicious. You know the look, the kind that screams, we are absolutely making terrible choices right now. But it was before work hours and quite frankly, I wasn't being paid enough at ATO to investigate. Fast forward later that day when the gossip mill starts turning, turns out one of these lads had let his mate shave his head in school. Not ideal. But wait, it gets worse. One artistic genius amongst them had shaved a full-on penis and balls into the back of his head.

• 37:47Speaker 05

  As the details unfolded, because secondary school drama always arrives in episodes, I discovered this wasn't even a prank gone wrong. No, he had apparently made forty pounds from the ordeal because each of his mates had chipped in a fiver to convince him to do it.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  Makes you proud to be British.

• 38:00Speaker 04

  Forty pounds? This is, this is out of this entrepreneurial spirit that, um.

• 38:04Speaker 03

  I don't know what he says about me, but I'm like, I'll do that now.

• 38:07Speaker 05

  This is how Lord Sugar started.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  This is, this won't happen in any other country apart from Britain. I love it.

• 38:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I, what, what's the dilemma?

• 38:15Speaker 05

  Well, Chloe continues. I found this significantly funnier than other members of staff seemed to. While colleagues were reacting with genuine concern, I was trying to maintain the professional composure required when faced with a child who had turned himself into a literal dickhead. So what is the etiquette here? How much sympathy are you expected to show when someone has willingly agreed to have a penis shaved into the back of their own head for less than the price of a family takeaway? Chloe.

• 38:38Speaker 04

  Ah, wow.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Discuss.

• 38:40Speaker 03

  Well, I'm biased. I always fall on the side of comedy.

• 38:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  I always think if something's funny, then it's worth doing. It was very much our ethos when we were doing the in-between.

• 38:52Speaker 04

  I was thinking, I'm pretty sure money changed hands on the in-betweeners for weird stuff to happen.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  I'm not talking about what we got to.

• 39:01Speaker 04

  We're not allowed to talk.

• 39:02Speaker 03

  No, we're not.

• 39:04Speaker 04

  There was some.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  No, I think.

• 39:06Speaker 04

  It was good times and I don't know, we're not allowed to talk about it.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  I think one is, I think one is funny.

• 39:10Speaker 04

  It was a genuine laugh and everyone, everyone wanted to do it and it's fine.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  I think it's great that it's year tens. That's a great age, fourteen, fifteen.

• 39:17Speaker 04

  It's a great year, isn't it?

• 39:18Speaker 03

  One of the boys thought I could make forty quid here. Cause he's had to go back to his parents as well and stuff like that. I think it's genius. I think it's really funny.

• 39:27Speaker 05

  I mean, if you've got a penis shaved into your head, at least with further pruning, you can get rid of it quite quickly.

• 39:34Speaker 03

  I'd commit to it. I'll be honest.

• 39:36Speaker 04

  There should have been a contract saying, and also you're not to shave this off.

• 39:40Speaker 03

  You've got to keep it awake.

• 39:41Speaker 04

  This for a minute, otherwise we're getting our forty quid back.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  Was it just in my school, but in the nineties, two thousands, a lot of lads had night ticks shaved into the back of their heads. Was that in my?

• 39:51Speaker 05

  That was definitely not at my school.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. Are you quite middle class?

• 39:54Speaker 05

  We had the Gucci logos and so.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  That was quite, there was quite a few lads in my school.

• 39:58Speaker 03

  I had pals, I had pals with night tick on the side.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Night tick, had the shaved eyebrow and.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Blonde tips on the quiff.

• 40:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, we had, I did have a quiff for a bit. I don't have the tips.

• 40:11Speaker 03

  My mate, my mate's older brother, you know how the older brothers are always the coolest? They're the cool ones. My mate's older brother, he had a blonde quiff and I was like, wow, imagine that.

• 40:20Speaker 05

  Right, Johnny Bravo.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  It was a bit like that, but well, it was just the quiff. The rest of the hair.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, with the bald head, yeah. That was, that was very much my brother at school. He was northie, but I weren't allowed to be called northie.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:34Speaker 02

  And no one dared touch me because he was hard.

• 40:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  He's a paratrooper now. So it was always meant to be and I was proper soft. And then when he left in year eleven, I got battered for about six months for being a gobshite. So that was very much.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  Can he drop in? Can he just?

• 40:48Speaker 02

  He's still with us now. Every now and then.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Jump out the plane.

• 40:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 04

  Um. Okay, so I think, yeah, the, the, I mean, look, you find it funny, but you are being employed as a teacher. So within your working hours, I would say you have to toe the party line.

• 40:59Speaker 05

  I tell you, I mean, I don't know.

• 41:00Speaker 03

  My favourite teachers were the ones that seemed human.

• 41:03Speaker 05

  Same.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  My favourite teachers, the ones that reached me and sort of I genuinely actually wanted to sort of work for and cared about. Um, because sort of at the end of the day, the students, the way that they react and the, and, you know, that reflects on the old teacher that there, doesn't it?

• 41:23Speaker 05

  I liked the teachers who seemed.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  So the ones that seemed human that were sort of like.

• 41:27Speaker 05

  Normal.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  The ones that were like, come on, don't do that.

• 41:30Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  I know it's funny. You know it's funny, but we can't, we can't do that. I was all like, sorry, sir, sorry, miss, like, you know. So I think, um, I think she's, uh, in the right place. I think she's the makings of a, of, of a great teacher. One, ones that will actually.

• 41:46Speaker 04

  Maybe laugh about it in the staff room, but then outside of the staff.

• 41:48Speaker 03

  Well, wasn't she saying that the staff room would be a bit snitty about it?

• 41:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I think she can still.

• 41:53Speaker 04

  I mean, can this, should the lab be going around the school with?

• 41:56Speaker 03

  No.

• 41:56Speaker 04

  The cock and balls on you. I don't think he really can, because I mean, also, I, I, I don't know whether this is plausible, but would it encourage others? Do you know what I mean? Like, uh, cause after a while, if, if like fifty percent of your boys have got cock and balls in there, uh, then that is going to start affecting Ofsted, I would have thought. Like, that's not, they do, they probably look for that sort of thing. You might go down from outstanding to good. Do you know what I mean?

• 42:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:17Speaker 04

  Like, is it an outstanding school? It's good, but the twenty percent of the boys have cock and balls shaved in their head. So.

• 42:22Speaker 05

  Questionable haircut, yeah.

• 42:23Speaker 04

  Yeah. So that would take you down, I think. I don't, I don't know what they look for in Ofsted, but they, that they might.

• 42:29Speaker 05

  I think it is now.

• 42:29Speaker 04

  They might look for that, mightn't they? Yeah, they, they might look for that.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  I think James Anderson, though, Chloe, you should just carry on being that cool teacher. Be a bit like, hey, look, it's funny.

• 42:37Speaker 04

  Yeah. It's funny, but I.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  I think you reach, reach kids better. I think you do if you sort of.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Be relatable.

• 42:45Speaker 04

  I think be relatable. I, I also think, I don't think he can be going around school with, I just, it does, it's a big distraction.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  I used to have insane teachers. I used to have one teacher that used to, he, he, he would really get off on telling kids off.

• 43:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:01Speaker 03

  And, uh, but he would do things, like kids are.

• 43:03Speaker 05

  Very slow sentence.

• 43:04Speaker 03

  No, um, take that however you want. But you can, you you know, you get, kids are gonna be kids, right? They're gonna muck about when they're at school. If you catch them, fair game. You know, if they're doing something a bit naughty in front of you, you go, come on. Sort it out, detention, whatever. He used to, you you used to be able to see him like pop his head around corners and stuff like that. He used to try and catch children doing something out like out of the ordinary, whatever.

• 43:33Speaker 04

  That's weird.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  He, there was, I don't know if this is true, but the story was at my school. That he want, he wanted to try and catch some kids that left school premises on break, at break time. Uh, and he hid under a lorry. And got stuck.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  And the kids ran away.

• 43:54Speaker 04

  Under a lorry?

• 43:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, he he crawled under a lorry to try and catch these kids out. Um, I don't know if that's true.

• 44:03Speaker 04

  I mean.

• 44:03Speaker 03

  But it made sense with the type of person that he was.

• 44:06Speaker 04

  We used to get told off at our school for things that I don't really even think were particularly bad, like there was, um, we were told not to walk around town. Their phrase was swinging a can.

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Which is a can of coke. Right.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  Like, don't walk around town swinging a can. And also don't stand outside the school talking to the girls.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 44:27Speaker 04

  Or like, don't talk to the girls, you know, like, well.

• 44:30Speaker 03

  Use it at a boys' school.

• 44:31Speaker 04

  I made it at a boys' school.

• 44:33Speaker 05

  Wasn't a problem for me.

• 44:35Speaker 04

  Well, it wasn't a problem for me either, because I was terrified of talking to the girls, but like, I kind of thought, well, this is, I feel like now, it wouldn't, nowadays, that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to like, you know, encourage, like actually get boys and girls to talk to each other, rather than the boys just looking at pornography, like, but not, not in our case, not allowed to talk to the girls.

• 44:52Speaker 05

  But attitudes have changed.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  I would have thought that now that they'd be more in favour of that, but we weren't.

• 44:57Speaker 05

  No.

• 44:59Speaker 04

  All right, let's do another one. What have we got?

• 45:00Speaker 05

  This is from Caitlin. Hello, William and Jordan. I'm a long time listener, but first time writer who has enjoyed the podcast for many years. My dilemma is regarding house guests, a phenomenon which William may be unfamiliar with, but I'm hoping he can advise nonetheless. That's rude.

• 45:14Speaker 02

  You don't like, William doesn't like people staying over.

• 45:16Speaker 05

  No, I do.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  I don't like staying over at people's houses.

• 45:18Speaker 05

  I didn't have a guest bed over a bit, but you don't like staying at other people's houses? Well, fair enough.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Ever since I was a kid, I was like, I've got my own bed and I like sleeping there and it's comfy and nowhere I'm at.

• 45:29Speaker 05

  Caitlin continues, I live in a city around an hour away from where I grew up, the home of the world famous black pudding. I'm sure Jordan knows where it is, Bury. Due to this, when family members come to see me, they often stay at my house. Now, this doesn't pose an issue as we have two spare rooms plus a dedicated executive guest bathroom.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  Oh, executive. In Bury, someone's doing well.

• 45:48Speaker 05

  My dilemma comes as the guest bathroom is home to the only bath in the house. Now, I love a bath, especially when it includes some lady petrol. Uh-oh.

• 45:55Speaker 02

  Seco.

• 45:56Speaker 05

  And it's where I will usually spend my bliss hours. It is a place of relaxation for me, however, two separate family members have asked to use the bath whilst they're staying with us. Not wanting to be an inhospitable host, I have always agreed. However, I then find myself unable to move past the image of them stewing in my happy place in all their glory. There is something about the image that burns in my brain and I find myself having to scrub the bath with bleach and disinfect several times before I can bathe again. So my dilemma is this, is it bad etiquette to request that guests don't use the bath whilst staying? Or do I need to get over it and continue my bleaching routine? Thank you, Caitlin. You absolutely need to get over it, you weirdo.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  Is it bad? Yeah, I've used many people's baths.

• 46:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  Bath.

• 46:34Speaker 04

  I mean, I've heard somebody say like, I can't stay in hotels because I just think of.

• 46:39Speaker 03

  This is what I was gonna say, it's a bit of a rabbit hole.

• 46:40Speaker 04

  All the people who have slept in that bed and you're like, well, yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  I've been there in hotels and stuff and I go, imagine what's gone on in this bed and I'm about to sleep in it.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  But they wash it and it's all.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  And I think. I know, so you have to, you have to let it go, otherwise you will drive yourself insane.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  So it's, I would say the same to this lady.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  They hoover those beds often, they've got to. So that, my aunt used to be a hotel cleaner.

• 47:04Speaker 05

  I had to do more than.

• 47:04Speaker 02

  Not even in a posh one and they, they proper have to like clean them. Some are a bit mucky.

• 47:09Speaker 04

  And well, is the bath in the guest bed?

• 47:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, in the guest bathroom, they can use.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  So she's, she's got a bath in the guest bathroom?

• 47:15Speaker 05

  And she doesn't want guests to use it?

• 47:16Speaker 04

  And doesn't want guests to use the bath, I don't know about that.

• 47:18Speaker 05

  She has, she has the audacity to say a phenomenon William may be unfamiliar with.

• 47:21Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  Don't be horrible.

• 47:23Speaker 04

  No.

• 47:23Speaker 05

  I'm not being horrible, I'm being direct.

• 47:26Speaker 04

  I think it's almost like, yeah, once you start thinking about it, maybe it is a bit weird that other people are in your bath, but I'd. Suppose, yeah.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  Hide the plug. Someone using my bath.

• 47:35Speaker 05

  I wouldn't mind it at all.

• 47:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, Caitlin, just give it a good bleach if it freaks you out.

• 47:39Speaker 03

  If you wanna go a bit nuclear with it though, Caitlin, I would start making people feel uncomfortable when they stay. Just little subtle things, just.

• 47:48Speaker 05

  Ask them not to use the bath.

• 47:49Speaker 03

  Just subtly let them know that they're an inconvenience. And then you don't get any people staying at your house. Just little things like, just, just like, oh, if they want a cup of tea or something, just.

• 48:02Speaker 03

  Just do that before, just little things.

• 48:06Speaker 05

  I don't really like to boil the kettle after six thirty.

• 48:08Speaker 03

  Not wanted, don't vocalise anything, don't ever say, I don't want you staying here, I don't want you using my bath. Just make them feel that they're not welcome.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, go and put the hot water on.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 48:20Speaker 05

  They ask for a cup of tea and you sign and go, anything else?

• 48:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, those things, yeah.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  That's good, make them feel a little pub on the salt.

• 48:27Speaker 03

  Give them, give them the cold shoulder.

• 48:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 03

  That's a Pilkington fact.

• 48:32Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, see, if a guest wasn't wanted anymore, they'd be given the cold.

• 48:38Speaker 03

  Shoulder of meat.

• 48:40Speaker 04

  It's just definitely not true, it's just, he's scrabbling around, I've nothing there. But, yeah, so I'm all pub in the bar, you mentioned pubes, pub in the bath, that'd, that'd do it, I imagine.

• 48:47Speaker 02

  They wouldn't want a bath again.

• 48:49Speaker 04

  No, they'd never bathe in any bath.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  They, boys, you're good at this, good at this advice.

• 48:54Speaker 03

  This is a little.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  We've got time for one more.

• 48:55Speaker 05

  We do have time for one more, this is from an anonymous listener.

• 48:58Speaker 04

  Oh, right, okay.

• 48:59Speaker 05

  Hello, boys, I work for the ambulance service and as you can imagine, we interact with a wide variety of dot, dot, dot vibrant characters. Among them, we have our frequent flyers, the regulars who call nine nine nine multiple times a day. But one of our local regulars has ended himself the permanent nickname Spiderman. Spiderman will call nine nine nine for a completely fake medical emergency. In the exact window of time between us pressing his flat buzzer and walking through his bedroom door, he manages to perfectly time masturbating to completion. The exact second you walk in, he launches his man juice straight at you like Spiderman called.

• 49:30Speaker 04

  A web generally disgusting as it is from a purely logistical standpoint you almost have to respect the Olympic level timing he has because of this his address now has an official history marker on our dispatch system so my question for you boys what is the proper tactical etiquette for avoiding spider man super splurge when entering a patient's property many thanks anonymous

• 49:49Speaker 03

  Right well first of all you've got a duty haven't you you can't even if they've got even if they're flagged the annoying thing is that you've got to keep turning up they used to be

• 50:02Speaker 04

  You're right yeah I know I'm just I'm amazed by what no I was just trying to think the depravity you know will I ever end up like that

• 50:11Speaker 03

  When I was a younger man and I never did

• 50:13Speaker 04

  You have to you have to think could that be me

• 50:15Speaker 03

  When I never did this myself you know when they back in the day where you used to have one television

• 50:20Speaker 04

  Yeah

• 50:20Speaker 03

  It was before wifi and laptops

• 50:22Speaker 04

  Yeah

• 50:23Speaker 03

  Your phone

• 50:23Speaker 04

  I think I can see

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Where salty things weren't so accessible

• 50:27Speaker 04

  Uh huh

• 50:29Speaker 03

  There was a thing called a danger wank

• 50:31Speaker 04

  Yep Yeah yeah I have heard of this

• 50:34Speaker 03

  I've heard of this So you'd get quite close to finishing whatever you were doing in the living room and then you'd shout mum and you'd have from them coming down the stairs to finish off what you were doing

• 50:49Speaker 04

  You know that they're worried nowadays that children get bored and they don't they're not creative anymore and this is a good example like we'd come up with all sorts of fun stuff

• 50:56Speaker 03

  I never did it myself

• 50:57Speaker 04

  Because they don't have so many channels

• 50:58Speaker 03

  It was called a danger wank

• 50:59Speaker 02

  There was so many there was a danger wank there was a posh wank

• 51:02Speaker 03

  Posh wank with a condom yeah

• 51:04Speaker 02

  The one famously from me in between us where Jay sits and he said all the lads did that at our school

• 51:08Speaker 04

  Did they

• 51:09Speaker 03

  What was that one

• 51:09Speaker 04

  What's this

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Where you you were at the you sat on your hand till it goes numb

• 51:13Speaker 03

  Oh the dead hand

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Yeah so it felt like someone else

• 51:16Speaker 03

  Right

• 51:16Speaker 02

  Which is the best scene ever because you've got a snorkel on you've never seen it's the funniest but all the lads at my school got told that so you'd sit on your hand until it went dead for like half an hour

• 51:26Speaker 04

  Do you think now they're they're banning social media for the under sixteens it's going to increase the rise of danger wanks because they've got to do something Maybe I mean

• 51:34Speaker 03

  I've got under sixteens I've got two under sixteens in my house and I like

• 51:40Speaker 03

  You know, there wasn't, there wasn't internet and stuff and I still managed to wank quite a lot when I was a teenager.

• 51:49Speaker 03

  I still got it done. I still got it over the line. I'm not sure it's gonna make a big difference, to be honest.

• 51:55Speaker 04

  Young men didn't need any extra help. I think that was, they're already doing well.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  Like you say, encouraged creativity. You did. And your mate would say to you, wank bank?

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Absolutely, yes.

• 52:07Speaker 04

  Oh, the wank bank.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  So much fit or attractive, you might go put that for the wank bank?

• 52:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  Right.

• 52:14Speaker 02

  Before internet. But look, to anonymous, like, like, like the boy said, you've got to do a, a, you wanked half of the rugby team half, what are you on about? Um, you've got to do a, a, um, a duty.

• 52:25Speaker 04

  Did more than that.

• 52:26Speaker 03

  You've got a duty.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  He, he, he did, he did. In public school, it was just normal to get one of the other boys to do it for you. Is that right?

• 52:36Speaker 04

  Ken, what were you saying?

• 52:39Speaker 02

  Um, so yeah, uh, I think you've got a duty. You, you handled it well. Nobody has to put up with that because that is, um, maybe you've got to start wearing goggles or.

• 52:48Speaker 04

  I'd just shout, I'd just say, look, just, can you just finish? Then I'll come in. Like, just, he knows what he's doing.

• 52:53Speaker 05

  Why is the ambulance service still sending them to this person?

• 52:56Speaker 04

  You have to, you have to, you have to, because one day they won't go.

• 52:58Speaker 05

  I hope it's not being prioritised.

• 53:00Speaker 02

  No, it won't be.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  I'm a bit sort of.

• 53:02Speaker 04

  Is the boy a cried wolf? It's almost, it's the same.

• 53:03Speaker 03

  That's what I mean, yeah. I'm a bit of a no nonsense guy. And I would be like, if there was a genuine problem and he called 999.

• 53:11Speaker 05

  Well, tough.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  They were a bit lax turning up. I would be a bit like, serves him right.

• 53:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, I quite agree. Or you could, they could turn up, they could borrow one of the police service's tasers and turn up and taser him as they go through the door. He'll never do it again.

• 53:25Speaker 03

  I think, I think that'd be the ultimate, yeah.

• 53:28Speaker 02

  My mind's on the same thing about.

• 53:30Speaker 03

  That would really get his rocks on.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  I know, yeah. Like a fountain. Thanks so much for listening today.

• 53:38Speaker 02

  If you want to get in touch with us on Help by Sex and My Boss with a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected]. And give it up for our wonderful guests from Fact Up, Joe and James.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  Thank you guys. Thanks for having us.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 53:51Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 53:52Speaker 02

  You've, you've met a very sad teenager's dreams come true. So thank you.

• 53:55Speaker 03

  It was a pleasure.

• 54:04Speaker 02

  I'm Claire Buckley and this Halloween on my podcast, Pretty Scary, we are gonna cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts and aliens. Plus, the scariest movies to watch this spooky season with the lights off. So, as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window. It's probably just the cat, right? Get the candles lit and search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.