Help I Sexted The Luxury Podcast

William has finally done it and recorded a podcast episode with both of his work husbands around the same table. Will there be jealousy as Jordan and Jonathan fight over William's attention? Will tempers flare over Jordan’s impression of Jonathan? Will they come to blows (not that kind) over the different uses of various cleaning products? Sit back and enjoy! If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.

• 0:22Speaker 00

  We've got a spooky hotline caller.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  And your tarot card dilemmas.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted, the Luxury Podcast.

• 0:47Speaker 03

  Now, this is really where worlds collide. I'm very confused already. So I would love to introduce you, gene divas and bucket heads alike, to my two favourite co-hosts. Jordan North from Help I Sexted, my boss, and Jonathan Vernon Smith from the Luxury Podcast. Hello, both.

• 1:05Speaker 04

  Hello, William.

• 1:06Speaker 03

  Oh, we get a clap.

• 1:07Speaker 02

  It's like your affair, your mistress and your husband.

• 1:12Speaker 03

  My wife and my mistress have come together. And you can argue as to who is who.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  Yes, it's like we've come together and found out your dirty little secret.

• 1:23Speaker 03

  And obviously. Always better when you come together.

• 1:25Speaker 04

  Oh, William.

• 1:27Speaker 03

  Oh, don't you play the prude.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  Are you allowed to make jokes like that on the Luxury Podcast?

• 1:32Speaker 04

  Yes, but with a luxury twist.

• 1:34Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  We try not to be common.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Now, if you are a bucket head and you have never listened to Sexted, or you're a gene diva and you have never listened to the Luxury Podcast, let's just sort of recap. So, Jordan, can you explain what Sexted is about?

• 1:47Speaker 02

  So Help I Sexted, my boss, is a podcast that started in 2018. William and I have been friends for many years. We've been friends for about the same time, 2011, we reckon we both met.

• 1:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:57Speaker 02

  And basically, we act as agony aunts, agony uncles, or solution sluts, as some of our gene divas like to call us. And we basically help people with modern day problems and dilemmas. So things like, it can be anything wide ranging from, do you change the bedding when you stay at somebody's house in the guest bedroom? Or, we had one recently, if a gay man came in to find his partner fingering his mum. I don't think it was fingering, actually.

• 2:28Speaker 03

  I think it was fisting.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. No, I think he was fingering her. I think he was.

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Arm deep was the letter.

• 2:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I think I think it was fingering.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Either way, not great.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:43Speaker 03

  Whereas on Luxury, we did a whole episode about bins.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  Jonathan, tell us about Luxury Podcast.

• 2:51Speaker 04

  So Luxury Podcast, well, it morphed from Keeping Up Appearances, the Luxury Podcast, which we began in Covid times.

• 2:58Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:59Speaker 04

  And then we ran out of episodes. But by this point, we were having so much fun. We thought, well, why just stop there?

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:05Speaker 04

  So we continued.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  We did.

• 3:07Speaker 04

  We live our lives as Hyacinth Bouquet, as you know, Jordan.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:12Speaker 04

  You know, both of us. And we do live our lives as the genuine Hyacinth Bouquet. So we are kind of allowing Hyacinth to live on in us and our podcast.

• 3:21Speaker 03

  Exactly. And how you can be better than your neighbours. And as we said recently on Sexted, Sexted is chalk and cheese. Luxury is cheese and wine.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  There we go. That's how we differentiate between the two.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  And you're the wine.

• 3:33Speaker 04

  I'm not quite sure.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  You're the chalk, wine, and I'm the cheese, because I'm in both.

• 3:37Speaker 04

  Oh, I see.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  You're a fine claret. No, I'd be a fine claret.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  He'd be a Malbec.

• 3:41Speaker 04

  I'd be a nice, big, bold Malbec.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  A nice, big, bold Malbec.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  You'd be a small Pinot, wouldn't you?

• 3:48Speaker 02

  And so it begins.

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Can we have a drink?

• 3:51Speaker 02

  So what character would I be on Keeping Up Appearances?

• 3:54Speaker 04

  Onslow. Oh, sorry, that came out too quickly.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  That came out very quickly. I'm thinking more.

• 4:00Speaker 03

  I'd say more Rose.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  More Rose.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  Miss System Rose.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  The one who's been about a bit.

• 4:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, the slut.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Okay. And who would you use? And obviously you're both Hyacinth.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  You could be Richard, the long-suffering husband.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  No, I see, I see.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  Who?

• 4:18Speaker 03

  Him.

• 4:18Speaker 04

  No, he's not like Richard. What are you talking about?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  See, I genuinely think you're more like Emmet.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  Musical.

• 4:27Speaker 04

  Really?

• 4:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 03

  Now, I've just poured us a gin and a bonnet, which is our signature drink on Sexted.

• 4:31Speaker 04

  Oh, yes.

• 4:32Speaker 03

  So this is so, it's missing a slice of lemon, but we'll crash on. This is very odd for me, having you both here. Let's toast Help I Sexted the Luxury Podcast.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Cheers.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  You don't, you're not allowed to clink.

• 4:45Speaker 04

  No, common.

• 4:46Speaker 02

  It's common.

• 4:47Speaker 04

  We could have called it Help I Sexted My Bucket, which could have worked just as well.

• 4:53Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  Oh, now let me have a G and D.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  You've had a G and D before, haven't you?

• 5:02Speaker 04

  Oh, yes, that's good.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  Now, we have deprived Jonathan of going for his pre-production.

• 5:07Speaker 04

  No, you haven't.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Have you been?

• 5:10Speaker 04

  I got an earlier train.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 5:12Speaker 04

  I, I don't like to miss an event at the pub.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  Pre-production meeting.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, I'm in a pre-production meeting.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Yes, because we've met in a pub a few times. You've lo-, I loved it. You love a pint as much as me.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  I love a pint.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, a proper pint. And he's an ale, pale ale drinker, isn't he?

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, a real ale, real, real, and anything alcoholic, really.

• 5:33Speaker 04

  Don't you like ale?

• 5:34Speaker 02

  No, no, I like ale, but it don't like me.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  Look East.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  No, that's not a Look East.

• 5:41Speaker 03

  Oh, is that not a Look East?

• 5:42Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  I, I like, I like Guinness. That's my favourite. And whisky. Oh, yeah, I thought you'd like Guinness.

• 5:50Speaker 04

  Bit bland.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  What?

• 5:51Speaker 04

  I found it a bit bland.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 5:54Speaker 04

  It's like, um, it's like a child's beer.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, top five.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  Get your shit face.

• 5:59Speaker 04

  No, you know, you know a Boddington's or a John Smith's.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  I love a Boddy's or a John Smith's.

• 6:04Speaker 04

  Well, there you go. That's why you like it.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  I used to pour Boddy's all the time in pub I worked in. I love it. I've not had a Boddy's in ages.

• 6:09Speaker 04

  No, but Guinness is, is like a, a black version of that, isn't it?

• 6:17Speaker 03

  Cheers, though. Now, on Sexted, uh, I normally, at the start of an episode, deliver a line that sums up Jordan and my differences. For example, I'm more first-class dining, you're more middle-class whining.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  That's Jonathan.

• 6:30Speaker 03

  Very true. Well, is it Jonathan?

• 6:32Speaker 02

  I've heard his show.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  Middle-class whining.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  It's on BBC Three Counties, for God's sake.

• 6:39Speaker 03

  Hmm, true. Um, I didn't want Jonathan to feel left out, so here's one that we've written for you. I'm more cocktails than Soho, you're more a manly perillo. Although you're not wearing.

• 6:49Speaker 04

  Are you doing my voice?

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Oh, he does the best impressions of you.

• 6:52Speaker 03

  You're not wearing a manly perillo, but you are wearing your action slacks.

• 6:54Speaker 04

  I have got action slacks on. I'm always ready for action, night or day. I'm always ready.

• 7:00Speaker 03

  Mainly day. Because you go to bed very early.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  So today, are you gonna try and teach me how to be more luxury then?

• 7:06Speaker 04

  We hope so.

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  I think.

• 7:09Speaker 03

  It's a cross, it's a blend. It's like, you know, this is in effect, it's going to be the podcast version of Dolly the Sheep.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  I see, I'm not gonna get, and for our gene diseases, I'm not gonna get any of those references.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  Who the fuck is Dolly the Sheep?

• 7:25Speaker 04

  The cloned sheep.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  From Wallace and Gromit?

• 7:28Speaker 03

  No.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  The sheep.

• 7:35Speaker 04

  Remember Dolly the Sheep?

• 7:37Speaker 02

  Oh, he's Dolly the.

• 7:38Speaker 04

  They cloned a sheep.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  Oh, is this in the news?

• 7:41Speaker 03

  Well, it was, yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  It was, it was.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  It's about the same time the Millennium Dome was in.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Oh, they cloned a sheep?

• 7:46Speaker 04

  They cloned a sheep.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  Look up Dolly the Sheep later.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  So how am I like Dolly the Sheep then?

• 7:51Speaker 03

  Well, no, this podcast is like Dolly the Sheep, because it's a sort of a hybrid of two things.

• 7:58Speaker 04

  Zar reference, William, what are you talking about? Now, of course, as you will know, Jordan.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 8:04Speaker 04

  William is prone to fainting.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  He's a bit of a Marianne, isn't he?

• 8:08Speaker 03

  I'm sorry.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  You're allowed to say that.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  Who's Marianne?

• 8:10Speaker 04

  What's a Marianne?

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Oh, is that a northern thing?

• 8:13Speaker 04

  I don't know, what is a Marianne?

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Someone that's like, stop being a Marianne, a bit.

• 8:17Speaker 04

  Like a wimp.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  A hypochondriac.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, a bit soft, a Marianne, oh, you Marianne.

• 8:20Speaker 04

  He's a proper Marianne, isn't he?

• 8:22Speaker 02

  He's proper, he faints a lot, doesn't he?

• 8:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  Even as a child.

• 8:24Speaker 04

  Sitting down, so just in case anything should happen to him, it's probably a good idea for my future that we just try out to see if there's a backup.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  So can we just try one or two luxury questions out on you?

• 8:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:38Speaker 04

  Just to make sure that you'd be up to the job.

• 8:41Speaker 02

  Okay, go for it.

• 8:43Speaker 04

  I mean, not that you need the job, but I do, so.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  No, but it, it'll dry up eventually. So, well.

• 8:50Speaker 04

  George Jordan's career.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, as will all of ours. So it's always good to have a backup.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  It will.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  In many ways, you're looking at your.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  The only thing that's drying up about me, thank you very much.

• 9:00Speaker 03

  You're looking at your future.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  I'm gonna punch you in the face. If, if I thought you'd feel it, I would.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  This is great. This is so good.

• 9:15Speaker 04

  What?

• 9:15Speaker 02

  It's like two pissed ants, isn't it?

• 9:19Speaker 02

  It lived together. You know those pissed ants that live together? One of them's a lesbian.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Indian brat.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  And they're just like, you never had her. Two lesbian ants.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  I am in boots.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  One of whom's got a wooden leg, like my auntie Ethel. She lived with another woman and she had a wooden leg.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  Was she? Is she the one that?

• 9:37Speaker 04

  No, I don't think.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that's what I mean. They all slept with other women, but they weren't lesbians.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  Is she the one that had the chauffeur driven car?

• 9:43Speaker 04

  No, that was Auntie Anne.

• 9:44Speaker 03

  Oh, the aunt.

• 9:44Speaker 04

  Not a chauffeur driven car, chauffeur driven larder reaver. She was on a budget.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  A larder reaver is the equivalent now of a what?

• 9:52Speaker 04

  Well, it was a Russian vehicle that you could, you could buy for three thousand pounds.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  I've never heard of a Russian car. But she had a chauffeur.

• 10:02Speaker 04

  In the nineties, we had larders and they were, they were really cheap. You could buy a brand new one for three thousand pounds. And she had a larder reaver that was chauffeur driven. And she came to visitors once and I, as a kid, I used to like cars. So whenever anyone came to visitors, I used to say, can I go and sit in your car? A bit weird. And bizarrely, most people used to let me. They'd give me their car keys and I'd go and sit in their car.

• 10:30Speaker 03

  Different times.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  Yeah. So I went out into her larder and I opened the glove box and two bottles of vodka and about 400 players' cigarettes fell out. She used to sit in the back smoking and drinking and being driven around in a white larder reaver.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Who was the chauffeur?

• 10:47Speaker 04

  Don't know, some bloke. He turned up as well. Well, he had to, he was the driver.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay. Okay. So let's do some due diligence on Jordan.

• 10:55Speaker 04

  Okay. Due diligence.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  Are you ready?

• 10:58Speaker 02

  This is for me to be William's understudy.

• 11:00Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  Now, we have spent a lot of time talking about cleaning.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:04Speaker 04

  And I know that you like cleaning.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  I love cleaning.

• 11:08Speaker 04

  And I also know that you are a very good cleaner.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 11:12Speaker 04

  So what is your approach to cleaning? Particularly when it comes to bathrooms and kitchens, are there some go to products that you always use? And are you a fan of a high buff polish?

• 11:23Speaker 03

  Shall we do bathrooms?

• 11:25Speaker 04

  Well, we could start with bathrooms.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  Bathrooms for me, it's um, it's got to be flash white bleach.

• 11:33Speaker 04

  It's. Flash white bleach?

• 11:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, it smells really good. You know, the bleach spray?

• 11:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, I love.

• 11:39Speaker 04

  Use that in your bathroom?

• 11:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the, that's great. Get it in the bath, in, in the toilet.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  In the bath?

• 11:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, in the sink, on the sides, right? And then obviously, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a harpik gal for the toilet. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not toilet duck or bleach. I'm a harpik type of gal. So you mix it and leave it for a bit. But then I like to buff with either uh mirror, window cleaner or vinegar spray. Now, however, for the kitchen.

• 12:10Speaker 04

  He's a lunatic.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  The kitchen, I'm a sift man. You can't beat sift.

• 12:14Speaker 04

  Sift, what for everything?

• 12:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, sift for everything. William introduced me as sift spray for stainless steel. And again, I use a bit of vinegar spray.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  Was introduced to me by John.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  But I do like a microfiber cloth and I like to, um, but I'm also a big fan of the scrub daddy.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  Of course you are. Now.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  You know, the scrub daddy sponge, yes.

• 12:30Speaker 04

  I do, yeah, yeah. I prefer a scrub, mummy. But the, the bleach spray, I know that bleach.

• 12:37Speaker 02

  Flash bleach spray.

• 12:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm surprised you use that in the bath.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Very aggressive.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's great.

• 12:44Speaker 04

  Really?

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Perfect.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, but with plastic tubs, it'll be fine.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  Bitch, please.

• 12:48Speaker 03

  Plastic tubs.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  I, I have a plastic tub.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  Oh, do you?

• 12:52Speaker 04

  Yes, high quality acrylic for a better class of premises.

• 12:57Speaker 04

  Well, are you telling me you have what? Metal?

• 13:00Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 13:00Speaker 04

  It's ceramic.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  Don't mock somebody.

• 13:03Speaker 04

  Ceramic.

• 13:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what.

• 13:05Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, who are we picking on?

• 13:09Speaker 03

  So can we just go back to bathrooms? Where, where do you start in the bathroom? What's the first thing you clean?

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Uh, you start from the top and you work to the bottom.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  You do. What you do to the top, you do to the bottom.

• 13:23Speaker 03

  Not always.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  That, that was what I was always told.

• 13:26Speaker 04

  That is very true.

• 13:27Speaker 02

  When I was younger.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  I used to work, I used to work for the Ramada Jarvis. So I'm quite an expert when it comes to cleaning bathrooms.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  Were you a cleaner?

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Uh, yes, not for long, two weeks.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  I was a cleaner as well. I used to clean offices for the post office.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 13:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:43Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 13:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 04

  Did you use flash bleach?

• 13:45Speaker 02

  No, it was all industrial stuff. Yeah. But flash bleach, I can highly recommend. Also, unpopular opinion, a big fan of Shake and Vac.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  That's a retro reference.

• 13:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 03

  Do they still make that?

• 13:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, you put the freshness back.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  My mum and dad got me into it. I know it's not good. I don't have any pets, so it's fine. But every now and then I put a bit of Shake Vac on my rugs and carpets.

• 14:07Speaker 03

  And what's it meant to do?

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Pour them.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Other than like literally what it's meant to do?

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Gets everything up and it's.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  So you pop it on your carpet, you leave it for a bit?

• 14:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, save it and then go around.

• 14:15Speaker 03

  And then you vacuum it up?

• 14:17Speaker 04

  So.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  I like Spanish cleaning products.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  Yes, so do I.

• 14:21Speaker 04

  Are you aware there are some Spanish versions of Shake and Vac with Habon de Basaya?

• 14:26Speaker 03

  Habon de Basaya?

• 14:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:28Speaker 02

  No.

• 14:28Speaker 04

  You can shake that on, again you leave it, vac it up, Habon de Basaya.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  You can get one in Nenuco.

• 14:41Speaker 04

  What's funny?

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 14:42Speaker 03

  Serious.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  Also, old ones, I'm a big starcher as well. I starch my shirts and stuff.

• 14:48Speaker 04

  Do you?

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, but is it spray or is it?

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Spray starch, yeah. So that's my favourite cleaning go-to products. But vinegar spray I love. It buffs everything up so nice.

• 14:58Speaker 04

  It is good. I just can't bear the smell.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  You can get lemon spray now.

• 15:02Speaker 04

  The newest heavy?

• 15:03Speaker 02

  No, it's Astonish.

• 15:05Speaker 04

  Astonish, they, yeah, they do one as well, yeah.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  You like Astonish, don't you?

• 15:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  You use something that's Astonish.

• 15:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, my Molder Milge spray is Astonish, yeah. Well done for remembering.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  Do you have a cleaner?

• 15:16Speaker 04

  I do, but I don't know why.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  I can imagine you being very strict of her, can't you?

• 15:22Speaker 04

  Oh, yes, I do run a tight ship.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:24Speaker 04

  Yeah. She largely just polishes because everything's already clean.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:29Speaker 04

  So she generally comes in and polishes. But I do like her because in all seriousness, she comes in once fortnight. I she's been.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  Once a fortnight.

• 15:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, she's been with me for years, Jordan, since, uh, twen- two thousand and seven.

• 15:41Speaker 03

  For various reasons, I was having to deep dive on Jonathan's Facebook page weeks ago to find something, which I actually didn't. I think I did find eventually in the end. And going back to like two thousand and nine, back in the day when Facebook was slightly new. Jonathan's just uploaded a whole album of photos of his cleaner.

• 16:00Speaker 04

  It's important to let everyone know you have one. So I had a Facebook album of my cleaner.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Why did you have an album? Bless her.

• 16:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, she's happy. Right. Where do you do most of your cooking? Because I am an Alfredo cooker.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  Outside?

• 16:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:21Speaker 04

  Because I don't like the smell inside. Do you cook inside?

• 16:23Speaker 02

  I do, but I'm I'm a big, during the week, just throw it in the air fryer. It's done in five, 10 minutes. I love an air fryer.

• 16:30Speaker 04

  Old Jordan.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  I knew we'd gonna get along.

• 16:32Speaker 04

  Honestly.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Anything you can do in a cooker, you can do in an air fryer.

• 16:36Speaker 04

  Sorry?

• 16:37Speaker 02

  Anything you can do in a cooker. You can do in an air fryer. Honestly. I've met Chat Shuka in an air fryer before.

• 16:45Speaker 04

  Have you? He took his air fryer to the tip and it was working perfectly.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  Now, why would you do that?

• 16:50Speaker 03

  I tried to sell it and it didn't sell and now I need to get rid of it.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  You're the best.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  He took it to the tip, a perfectly working two drawer air fryer.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Do you know what I've just ordered? And it arrived to my house this week.

• 17:02Speaker 04

  What?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  A toasty maker, a good old fashioned toasty maker. I'm gonna have toasty's in the garden.

• 17:07Speaker 04

  You could have had one of the, I've got one in my loft.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 17:09Speaker 04

  You could have had mine from the loft. I don't use it.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Apparently you can make a man iron pan as well, just as good, but.

• 17:15Speaker 04

  But do you do a toasty in the air fryer?

• 17:18Speaker 02

  You prob- do you know what? You probably could, but I'm just gonna do it proper in the toasty.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  Because I guess you won't get the griddle.

• 17:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, you won't the griddle.

• 17:24Speaker 03

  In an air fryer, would you?

• 17:25Speaker 04

  Oh, they're delicious. Have you got a Max Crisp setting?

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Weren't you a polit- a Tory MP? I'm sure Max Crisp was a Tory MP in the eighties, he got done for diddling.

• 17:42Speaker 04

  Now, you butter the outside of your bread.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 17:45Speaker 04

  Two cocktail sticks.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 17:46Speaker 04

  Max Crisp, five minutes.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Oh, great. Yeah, you butter the outside of your bread, definitely. But yeah, I'm not the best cooker, but I can, plain and simple, I can make real simple stuff and I tend to make a lot of brunches, like a lot of breakfasts from my tea.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  So what do you think of people who, because they don't like the smell of cooking, have a show kitchen and have built an entire kitchen outside with portable gas rings, outside air fryers and barbecues? Do you think those people are pathological?

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think that's a bit excessive, especially in the winter. Who's got time to be going out in the garden?

• 18:20Speaker 03

  Jonathan.

• 18:21Speaker 04

  Hello.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 18:23Speaker 03

  You'll do a whole Sunday morning English breakfast, won't you?

• 18:28Speaker 04

  Anything out there.

• 18:28Speaker 02

  Really?

• 18:29Speaker 04

  I just put my big coat on.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Do you not cook in the kitchen at all?

• 18:33Speaker 04

  Hardly ever.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  What about Sunday roast?

• 18:36Speaker 04

  Well, I have a big range.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  That smells great.

• 18:39Speaker 04

  No, no. It does when it's freshly cooking, but the day after, nobody needs that.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  Oh, you're very extra.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:48Speaker 04

  No, I prefer to do it outside and then all the smells outside, bring it in, eat it, job done. Grease, all confined to the garden.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  I know.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  Your poor neighbours.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  No, they love it.

• 19:00Speaker 04

  They probably love it.

• 19:01Speaker 03

  Oh, tell Jordan about Cecil's fence.

• 19:04Speaker 04

  So my next door neighbour, I don't know why William finds this so funny, he's in his nineties and he has an allotment. And we used to have, he changed the fence recently, but we used to have a hole in the fence, it was like that.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  Sort of yay big.

• 19:19Speaker 04

  And he would ask, I'd suddenly hear over the fence, Jonathan, do you like a corset?

• 19:28Speaker 04

  And I'd say, I might do quite like a courgette, she Cecil. And he'd feed a courgette through the hole and I'd take it the other side. And then he'd say, do you like a carrot? And I'd say, yeah. And I'd be fed, fed to was through the hole, Cecil's glory hole, we called it. But when we replaced the fence, there's no hole now.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  So how's he do it?

• 19:52Speaker 04

  He throws them over.

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's true.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  Now, obviously Luxury Podcast started off as a Keeping Up Appearances, episode by episode guide. Jordan, you do love Keeping Up Appearances. You will sometimes text me with little clips of you watching it. How many have you seen? Can you quote any?

• 20:12Speaker 02

  I've, I've seen, uh, many episodes. Yeah.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  What's your favourite bit?

• 20:18Speaker 02

  Uh, well, obviously highest end. Richard!

• 20:21Speaker 03

  Okay, well, that's in every episode, but you love the cute, cute QE2 episode.

• 20:26Speaker 02

  Which I'd missed because I thought I'd watched them all. And then he mentioned this a couple of years ago. And I was like, what? He went, yeah, there's an episode where they're on the QE2. And he came round and we watched it and had a curry. Um.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  Jonathan and I went to, we flew out to Dubai, which is where, it's years ago, not recently, where the QE2 is moored permanently. It's now a hotel and we recreated various scenes.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  I'd seen and I heard.

• 20:51Speaker 03

  Different times, but yeah.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  Um, um, what was, uh, I can do, hello, the Pecay residence, lady of the house speaking. I can do that.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  She lives.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Um, and I'm trying to think of any, what was that boat like? Was it luxury still or?

• 21:06Speaker 04

  It smelled, how, when were you born?

• 21:08Speaker 02

  1990.

• 21:10Speaker 04

  Ah, it smelt of the eighties.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. What, like cigarettes and all?

• 21:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, I just, I kept saying to William, we were walking around and I just kept saying, this smells like the 1980s. You were never born in the eighties, but it smells, every office, every building, just smell. It was a combination of carpet and cigarettes.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, cigarette smoke gets everywhere, don't it?

• 21:33Speaker 04

  Everything smells that.

• 21:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I would quite like that. Yeah, the smell of the eighties. Have you got a strong heightened sense of smell?

• 21:41Speaker 04

  Quite.

• 21:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, you'd be, you, you know, if you weren't good on the radio, you could be another Joe Malone, I reckon.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  Really?

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I reckon you should have gone into-

• 21:49Speaker 04

  Come up with, uh, special perfumes?

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, and candles and stuff.

• 21:53Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  Oh, I could see that.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  I seen a film, he, he, he, what was it? Coulson, it was on Netflix and he loved the smell of his boyfriend's jock, so he made a spray out of it.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Halston?

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Halston, who?

• 22:06Speaker 03

  Halston.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Halston and he's sniffing his husband's jock. And then made a smell out of it, so it was his, and it was like a musky spray that was really popular in the eighties.

• 22:15Speaker 04

  What, the smell of testicles?

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, and stuff.

• 22:18Speaker 04

  How horrible.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:20Speaker 04

  Nobody likes the smell of testicles.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  I mean, there'll be some people that do.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  Really?

• 22:25Speaker 03

  We've got some questions.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  Have you ever been Egyptian goggles, you know, ever?

• 22:28Speaker 04

  What?

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Are you allowed to say that these days?

• 22:30Speaker 04

  What?

• 22:31Speaker 03

  What's that?

• 22:32Speaker 02

  Where you put some testicles on someone's eye and go, Egyptian goggles.

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Are you allowed to say that? Oh, my mates used to do it in uni, where you'd be laying down at the settee. You go, Egyptian goggles, and just put the balls on your eyes.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  Have you never had Egyptian goggles before?

• 22:55Speaker 04

  I've never had a Egyptian goggles on my eyes.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Can we just don't check that? I think it is a thing, isn't it? It is.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  Well, whilst we're checking that, uh, Charlotte would like to know the absolute raw truth on Jordan's thoughts about Jonathan and Jonathan's thoughts about Jordan. How did you first meet? Did I facilitate? What were your first impressions? And is there any jealousy over their mutual relationships with William?

• 23:17Speaker 02

  I absolutely loved Jonathan. I can't remember the first time we met, but I just remember having a proper laugh. It was through William Hanson and I just remember us being really giddy. And I, I remember texting you the day later and saying, I love Jonathan. Was, where was it where we first met?

• 23:29Speaker 03

  Was it my thirtieth?

• 23:31Speaker 02

  No.

• 23:31Speaker 04

  No.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  We've met before that.

• 23:33Speaker 04

  But we were both at your thirtieth, but we didn't meet then.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  We had a good, we were sat-

• 23:37Speaker 03

  You hadn't met at that point?

• 23:39Speaker 02

  No, no, we were seated next to each other at his wedding as well, weren't we?

• 23:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're on the same table. But you had met before then.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:45Speaker 04

  It's because you had to tell me off because I got the giggles.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Oh, yes.

• 23:49Speaker 04

  Do you remember?

• 23:50Speaker 02

  You got them really bad.

• 23:52Speaker 04

  I got the really bad giggles. And it was when William's father was giving this lovely speech, but it was nothing to do with William's dad. And you leaned over and you went, Jonathan, stop it.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  For me to say that, it must have been bad. For me to say that.

• 24:06Speaker 04

  It was really bad. It must have been. Well, you weren't that bad. It was a great wedding though. But yeah, I just remember thinking, you are so funny. And I used to play Jonathan's clips out.

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Yes, on Radio One.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  On Radio One all the time, because he was, you'd send me clips of him.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  You laughing about, um, Cooper's Little Arrow, when you did a phone-in on Valentine's Day?

• 24:24Speaker 02

  Your laugh, uh, when you lose it. So I used to play him out all the time, especially in lockdown when there wasn't really much going on. No offence.

• 24:34Speaker 04

  He gives with one, he takes with.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  When did we first meet?

• 24:37Speaker 03

  I think it was at Bush Hall when we did a Sexton show.

• 24:40Speaker 04

  It was after that show.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  We did.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  You've come to all our shows, bless you.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Well, not recently.

• 24:45Speaker 04

  Not, I weren't, no, yeah, but that was only because I was away. I would have been there otherwise.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  I know.

• 24:50Speaker 04

  No, I've always been to your, come to your shows.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  You have. You've been there. Uh, you helped produce one of the items, the.

• 24:57Speaker 04

  I did.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  He's up with the cock in the Palladium.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Oh, yes. He's up with the cock.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  Jonathan told me which exact jam jingle to recreate.

• 25:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, and it didn't disappoint.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  No, it didn't. It was a great bit. It was.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  Um, question from Levi.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  You didn't ask when Jonathan, what was Jonathan's first impressions of me?

• 25:13Speaker 04

  Well, it was at, it was at Bush House.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:16Speaker 04

  And I met, what?

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Bush Hall.

• 25:18Speaker 04

  Bush Hall.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Doesn't matter.

• 25:23Speaker 04

  It was at Bush Hall. Bush House used to be a BBC building.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  I know why you said it. Yes, it's near, uh, the Strand.

• 25:29Speaker 04

  And, uh, yeah, no, I met, I met Jordan then and, uh, I thought you were very nice. Oh, thank you.

• 25:35Speaker 03

  There's a photo, actually. We'll put it up.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  There is a photo of the three of us.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  Levi's got a question for you, Jordan. A picky tea or a barbecue?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Ah, oh, good one. Good one. Picky tea any day of the week. But I'm gonna say this, and I'm, I've been picking my time for it. I think people are getting a bit fed up with the whole picky tea thing. It's everywhere at the moment. And um just let me finish. I I started it. It was a big thing I used to do on Radio One and on Twitter.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  You started?

• 26:04Speaker 02

  Well, I didn't start, but I like to. I think I brought it to the mainstream. No, I'm joking. And now I think everyone, like every supermarket's jumped on it and stuff. But yeah, um. But I still love a picky tea. It makes me happy, a picky tea. You know, like when you watch, you know, when you watch Mary Poppins and it makes you happy. Going home knowing I'm gonna have a picky tea or when someone makes me a picky tea, I have it in the garden. Generally, it's nostalgic for me.

• 26:28Speaker 04

  My grandad nearly died at a picky tea.

• 26:37Speaker 04

  Are you laughing? My grandad nearly dying.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  He nearly died at a picky tea?

• 26:41Speaker 03

  Well, he didn't die.

• 26:42Speaker 04

  So we used to have a picky tea. I don't think we called it a picky tea, but it was a picky tea.

• 26:47Speaker 03

  Is it a buffet?

• 26:47Speaker 04

  On a, no, no, it's just sitting around a table where we'd have bits.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Was it a cold collation?

• 26:52Speaker 04

  It's a cold collation, little bits, maybe some cocktail sausages, a few little sandwiches, and always served with a pot of tea, always.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 27:01Speaker 04

  And my grandad choked on a miniature sandwich.

• 27:07Speaker 04

  Why are you finding this funny?

• 27:08Speaker 03

  And what?

• 27:09Speaker 04

  He literally, he choked. William is literally falling about love. It's not funny. He nearly died. He got a sandwich stuck in his throat. And we were all like smacking him on the back.

• 27:28Speaker 04

  And all of a sudden, my mother hit him so hard on the back and this sandwich flew across, stuck on my grandmother's face.

• 27:50Speaker 04

  Funny. Why are you laughing? She had a sandwich stuck. And he would just kind of came back to life. The colour started to come back to his face. But he genuinely nearly died at a picky tea.

• 28:03Speaker 04

  I don't mean to bring it down.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  What was the sandwich?

• 28:05Speaker 04

  It was a cucumber sandwich, actually. Yeah, but properly stuck on his face.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  Harbordan.

• 28:11Speaker 04

  Of course. You don't have a picky tea, you've got to have a cucumber sandwich. Yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  Wow. Okay. Um. Well, we are going to, we're just gonna take a minute and we'll be back in part two, where Jonathan is going to help us answer some modern day dilemmas.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  It's time.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  And I'm a chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Ben, we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  We've got a spooky hotline caller.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  And your tarot card dilemmas.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.

• 29:06Speaker 02

  All right, welcome back to the Gene Divas and Bucketheads. Or is it the Bouquetheads?

• 29:11Speaker 03

  You can say either.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Oh, can you?

• 29:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  We say Bucketheads generally. What do the Bucketheads prefer?

• 29:15Speaker 03

  Bucketheads, yeah.

• 29:16Speaker 02

  The Bucketheads? All right, okay. Now, this is a special episode of Help, I Sexted My Luxury Podcast. Is that right?

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Help, I Sexted The Luxury Podcast. Now it's time for Jonathan and the Bucketheads, who haven't heard Sexted before, to help us answer some modern day dilemmas. Are you ready for... Don't read the questions in advance, Jonathan. Okay. Yeah.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  And well, we've got some Sexted listener questions, presumably for you, Jonathan. Georgie has asked if you have an impression of Jordan since he does one of you.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Why are you laughing at choking on a sandwich?

• 29:54Speaker 05

  Hello, the easy three counties. Hi, Jonathan, yes, I had a little winkle. A little winkle!

• 30:02Speaker 05

  Oh, little winkle!

• 30:05Speaker 05

  He's a bit of a carpenter.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  He's on three counties, not capital.

• 30:13Speaker 04

  Literally, you launched into that within seconds.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  Five, I'm doing now.

• 30:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  Right, off you go.

• 30:19Speaker 04

  No, I don't do one of you.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Do you now?

• 30:22Speaker 04

  No, I don't.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Well, Eve does a good one of me.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  What is it?

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, oh. But the... I'm not freaking... What the hell? I'm not Jabba the Hutt.

• 30:32Speaker 04

  I can only do one northern impression. Ooh, you minstrel, you bastard.

• 30:40Speaker 03

  I thought that was uncanny.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Also, I'm sure that you would not get away with these, as that was both selective.

• 30:46Speaker 04

  Ooh, Patsy, my things, my fannies, let it off right, pong!

• 30:53Speaker 02

  I've had these what I'm letting up a right pong.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Do you not remember that?

• 31:01Speaker 04

  No.

• 31:02Speaker 02

  Sounds wafting.

• 31:03Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 31:05Speaker 03

  Well, crash on. Regan has asked Jonathan to settle the debate. Who is Camper out of me or Jordan?

• 31:12Speaker 04

  You.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Easy.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  Oh, Camper. Oh, don't play that.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Camper's a row of pink tents, love.

• 31:20Speaker 03

  Is Jordan Camp?

• 31:21Speaker 04

  He is Camp.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  I'm not Camp.

• 31:23Speaker 04

  A bit Camp. I wouldn't say I was Camp.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  We're all Camp.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  You work in the media, love.

• 31:28Speaker 04

  So.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  Course you're Camp.

• 31:30Speaker 04

  But you're more Camp.

• 31:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  Sorry, is that, sorry, is that not what you wanted me to say?

• 31:35Speaker 03

  I think I'm quite butch.

• 31:37Speaker 04

  You are not.

• 31:39Speaker 03

  Rude. Brian asked, what could Jordan do to be more luxury than executive?

• 31:45Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  But.

• 31:46Speaker 04

  What's your bladder like?

• 31:51Speaker 04

  Have you got a good bladder?

• 31:52Speaker 02

  It's like an egg cup.

• 31:54Speaker 04

  Is it? I knew you would have a little feeble bladder.

• 32:00Speaker 04

  I don't, I don't mean to be rude, but you just reek of little bladder.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  I do. I'm a, I constantly piss in. I've been for so many times. I've had so many doctor's fingers up my arse. I, I constantly, and I'm.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Some of them at the GPs.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  But I have a very weak bladder. Sometimes I'm up twice a night for a week.

• 32:22Speaker 04

  Right. Okay.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 04

  Well, that's not luxury.

• 32:26Speaker 02

  Is it now?

• 32:27Speaker 04

  No. So a luxury bladder is a bladder you can hold for hours and hours.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  Really? Have you got a strong bladder?

• 32:33Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:35Speaker 04

  I pride myself on going for hours and hours.

• 32:39Speaker 03

  Can you do a whole radio show?

• 32:41Speaker 04

  Um, I could, although I don't.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:43Speaker 04

  The only time I do go during the news break, but any other time, I kind of, you know, when you're, you're quite desperate to go? And I like to think, no, I'm not going to give into this. Oh, no, no.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  That could, surely there'll be many medical professionals that at your age probably wouldn't advise that.

• 33:02Speaker 04

  To be fair.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  How many times do you go during your show?

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Uh, uh, uh, at least sometimes one, at least once an hour, sometimes twice an hour.

• 33:10Speaker 04

  Twice an hour?

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Honestly, I am such a pisser. Yeah, because I'm drinking water and coffee and stuff.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  Now, Jonathan has very strong views on people that drink water, don't you, Jonathan?

• 33:22Speaker 04

  Um, yeah.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:24Speaker 02

  Well, yeah.

• 33:24Speaker 03

  People drink too much water.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  They do.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  People, people particularly like, look, I mean, look at Izzy there with her.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  Tank.

• 33:32Speaker 04

  That tank makes me feel sick. I'd like to, uh, uh, and I, I don't like to be rude, but I'd like to club the young to death with their tanks.

• 33:45Speaker 04

  Because there is absolutely no, you're not climbing the Sahara, you're sitting here watching a podcast and she's got a vat of water.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  Vat?

• 33:53Speaker 04

  It's absolutely ridiculous. A small little glass to have the occasional sip, just to moistens one's, one's mouth is all that's necessary.

• 34:03Speaker 04

  You do not need a tank of water.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Water.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  So to be more lux-.

• 34:08Speaker 04

  Does make me sick.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  To be more luxury executive, I need to, a better bladder.

• 34:11Speaker 04

  Yes, um, try and stretch it.

• 34:13Speaker 02

  How?

• 34:15Speaker 04

  Just hold it.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:17Speaker 04

  Do you, are you one of those people that if you're leaving the house, you go to the toilet when you leave? And then when you arrive somewhere, maybe 20 minutes later, you go, I need the loo.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's so, it's, it's, I think it's getting life deliberating now, whatever the word is.

• 34:33Speaker 03

  Debilitating.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  Debilitating. I do, honestly. And you can't piss anywhere in London. You go into a cost and you're like, can you piss? Like, no, you must leave, get out. You must not come back here unless you buy a number. Can't have Costa coffee because.

• 34:46Speaker 03

  Goes right through you.

• 34:47Speaker 02

  It runs through me like a vein.

• 34:48Speaker 04

  My new Labrador, she can hold her bladder for 12 hours.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 34:53Speaker 04

  Now that is luxury.

• 35:00Speaker 03

  Should we go on to a dilemma?

• 35:01Speaker 02

  Yes, all right, are you ready for this then Jonathan?

• 35:03Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  Dear William, Jordan and Jonathan, I'm going over to my friend's house for the evening just to socialise and I wanted to bring a drink with me as I feel it's the proper thing to do. I have a very nice bottle of spirits that another friend gave me for my birthday and I'd like to drink it properly with people, but I haven't had the chance to do that yet. My dilemma is this, I'd like to take this bottle with me, but I also don't want to leave it there. At the same time, I don't want to appear rude by taking a bottle round and then taking it back. So my question is this, what is the proper etiquette for taking a bottle round to a friend's house? Any help would be much appreciated. Archie. Jonathan.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  Archie, that is absolutely outrageous. You do not take a bottle round to someone's house that you then try and take back?

• 35:43Speaker 03

  No.

• 35:43Speaker 04

  That is unacceptable.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Would you agree?

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, so they, they want to take it round but then-

• 35:48Speaker 03

  But don't drink it.

• 35:49Speaker 02

  Take it back. If they don't drink it.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  It's a gift for the host, not for the party.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can't, even if you take it round for you to drink, unless the host says "take it", which I always do when people come round, they always bring gin and stuff. And I'm like, I always say, "don't bring it round, I've got loads of stuff in. I have, I've got a big bar."

• 36:06Speaker 04

  Have you?

• 36:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I've got like a big bar of dr- gins, vodka, so I don't need any more, but if they bring it, unless it's like, usually if it's a crap one, I'll say, "take that back with you."

• 36:17Speaker 03

  I think you said that to me.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. William doesn't have vodka in his house.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  No.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  What's the etiquette there? As a good host-

• 36:23Speaker 03

  He thinks it's bad that when he came round-

• 36:25Speaker 02

  I thought it was terrible. I went, "I'll have a drink" and I went-

• 36:27Speaker 03

  I said, "would you like a martini?"

• 36:28Speaker 02

  I said, "yeah, vodka."

• 36:29Speaker 03

  And I said, "I don't have that, I do any gin and mart-

• 36:31Speaker 02

  I said, "I'll have a can of lager then."

• 36:33Speaker 03

  Don't have that either.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Well, he's etiquette expert, what grace host. You should have the basics.

• 36:38Speaker 04

  You should, you should have lager.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  And someone who reads that famous book that all the media knobs have, me included, that's my first rule, you should have the basics, Jack Daniels vodka. Even not for you, for your guests, I'm just saying.

• 36:52Speaker 04

  I don't have vodka. I would, I would always have lager if I had friends-

• 36:57Speaker 02

  I think you should have vodka in. Just a bottle, it's smart enough.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  I have got, uh, when I was in Argentina last, they sell in the pharmacy 90%, it's just called alcohol. Would that do?

• 37:10Speaker 02

  I don't think, I don't, I don't think you can drink that, can you?

• 37:13Speaker 04

  I don't, well, if you dilute it with enough coke, you wouldn't know.

• 37:16Speaker 02

  I don't think you can drink that. I think that's for medical purposes.

• 37:20Speaker 03

  Well, medical or cleaning or.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay. A final dilemma comes from anonymous. Hello, William, Jordan and Jonathan. I'm writing to you with a dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous sex life and have recently got into the lifestyle. For those unaware, it's swinging.

• 37:35Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  There is a very popular website for those involved in this lifestyle and you can search for profiles near you. Imagine my shock horror when whilst browsing the site, I saw someone with tattoos that I recognised. And in said photo, they are in a, let's say, compromising position with another person. Important to note that on this website, you can see the people who have viewed your profile. With this in mind, and to limit any potential awkwardness, I didn't view the profile and scrub past it. I thought nothing of it until a few days later, I was going through photos on my phone and saw a photo from a few years back of myself and my dad on holiday. My dad is shirtless in the photo, and if you hadn't already guessed where this is going, yes, the tattoos were on show. The same tattoos I saw in the profile on the site. My parents split when I was young and he hasn't had a relationship since.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  I was absolutely mortified and have no idea what to do. So I guess my dilemma is this. What do I do and how do I approach the situation? I'm pretty sure he hasn't reviewed my partner and my profile. However, I'm scared he may come across this. It's obviously not something I want to discuss with my father. However, I don't know what to do. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Love the podcast. Thank you for all the laughs over the years.

• 38:42Speaker 02

  Well, first and foremost, don't shag them.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  No.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  Because that would be.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  Illegal.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  Illegal. Just to clear that out.

• 38:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  But the second thing, maybe block them or hide them from seeing your profile. I'd block them if you can. I don't know what website this is.

• 38:56Speaker 04

  I don't really understand.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  So there's.

• 38:57Speaker 04

  Is the father a swinger?

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, or on this swinging profile to meet.

• 39:01Speaker 03

  It's in the family.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  To other couples, to meet other couples. And so I'd block the profile and just say nothing of it.

• 39:07Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 39:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:08Speaker 04

  I've been to a swinger's house.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  Um.

• 39:13Speaker 02

  Why does that not surprise me and surprise, what were you, did you give swinger a double or?

• 39:19Speaker 04

  No, so, uh, I live not too far from Radlett. Are you aware of Radlett?

• 39:24Speaker 02

  No.

• 39:25Speaker 04

  So Radlett is a, uh, it's a town just outside Boreham Wood.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 39:31Speaker 04

  Between Boreham Wood and St Albans.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  And it's known as one of the swinging capitals of the UK.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Wow, okay.

• 39:37Speaker 04

  And there's a swinger's house. So I went there for a tour of the house.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  For radio.

• 39:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Just, that's the key bit of this story that you haven't, you've left out.

• 39:46Speaker 04

  And I ended up, uh, in a dungeon on a sex sling. So I've been to a.

• 39:54Speaker 03

  It's on YouTube.

• 39:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, it's all, it's all available.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  It was on a sex sling?

• 39:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 39:58Speaker 02

  Are they not called swings? Or is it a sling?

• 40:01Speaker 04

  Well, it was, it was a swing, but it had ankle clamps.

• 40:07Speaker 04

  So.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Available on YouTube.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  What, the ankle club?

• 40:10Speaker 03

  No, the video of Jonathan at the.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  Is it tuned out? Like they have pampas grass, but apparently it's an upside down.

• 40:16Speaker 04

  Pampas grass.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Pampas grass.

• 40:18Speaker 04

  We would if we were swingers, but we're not.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  Apparently it's an upside down pineapple now.

• 40:22Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 40:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's either pineapple like badge upside down or an upside down pineapple in a shopping trolley or something.

• 40:28Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 40:29Speaker 02

  And that's to say.

• 40:30Speaker 04

  No.

• 40:30Speaker 03

  He's just giving us the thumb up.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Or you just go on to like certain websites and be like, yeah.

• 40:36Speaker 04

  I, I didn't enjoy the experience.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Of swing.

• 40:40Speaker 04

  Of, of being in the house where it all goes on.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Why? I bet that's, what was that smell like as someone with a strong sense of smell?

• 40:46Speaker 04

  Pleather.

• 40:49Speaker 04

  There was a strong smell of pleather.

• 40:59Speaker 04

  And chlorine.

• 41:01Speaker 03

  Yes, because they had a pool. They had a pool?

• 41:03Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  And lube, the smell of lube, was that, no?

• 41:07Speaker 04

  What does that smell of, Jordan?

• 41:09Speaker 02

  A bit like pledge.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  Pledge!

• 41:11Speaker 04

  Pledge, Mr Sheen. No.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  No, pledge. Cloves, isn't it?

• 41:19Speaker 04

  What?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Lube can occasionally smell of clothes.

• 41:23Speaker 04

  Clothes.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 41:25Speaker 04

  No.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 41:27Speaker 04

  Not the old liquid silk.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  Shall we wrap this up?

• 41:46Speaker 02

  We should.

• 41:48Speaker 03

  Well, thank you for listening.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  Thank you so much. I thoroughly enjoyed this, boys.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  So, thank you.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Thank you for letting it happen.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  And I hope the Gene Devers and the Bucketheads have as well. It's been long overdue. It's been like a bit of swinging and I've enjoyed it.

• 42:01Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 42:01Speaker 02

  It has, it has. Remember, if you want to get in touch with us on help@sexedmyboss with a dilemma or problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected].

• 42:11Speaker 04

  And if you have something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, [email protected] is the place for your queries and your questions.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Now, we all have to say goodbye at the same time. That's what we do in luxury, ready?

• 42:24Speaker 04

  But for now.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  Hello, I'm Joanna Fletcher.

• 42:36Speaker 06

  And I'm Marco Burchella.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  And this is Boots Off.

• 42:41Speaker 06

  We are friends who have spent a decade together, walking up mountains, across deserts and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  And something happens when you're out there, feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. The conversations just spill out of you.

• 42:55Speaker 06

  This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  The adventures that lead to adversity.

• 43:01Speaker 06

  And how life can be one big adventure in itself.

• 43:04Speaker 01

  Listen every Thursday. Just search for Boots Off.