Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss Help I’m A West End Girl | And Jordy’s Rants About this episode All aboard! William's got some news that you're not going to want to miss. Meanwhile, Jordan's unhappy about the suggestion of a 6am airport pint ban, the boys discuss their favourite flowers and they wonder whether they would ever marry a murderer.
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Transcript 10,088 words · 8 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Hello, this is Suzy Ruffel.
0:01 Speaker 01 And Maisy Adam.
0:02 Speaker 00 And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it?
0:05 Speaker 01 Only the best podcast ever.
0:06 Speaker 00 Yes.
0:07 Speaker 01 A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.
0:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping too.
0:18 Speaker 01 Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip.
0:21 Speaker 00 Num, num, num, num, num. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy.
0:27 Speaker 01 Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.
0:38 Speaker 02 Hello and welcome to Help I Sextured My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if your loud snoring is making your partner dream about being attacked by dinosaurs? How do you come to terms with knowing you haven't got the legs to pull off wearing Speedos? You could do it.
1:01 Speaker 03 Thank you. I am actually, I have bought for my upcoming holiday, not Speedos. I bought some quite short swimming trunks.
1:10 Speaker 02 Oh, you're a slut.
1:11 Speaker 03 Hmm.
1:12 Speaker 02 And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony ants, are we, William Hanson?
1:18 Speaker 03 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more Chatsworth House. You're more Chats a load of shit. And that's from Benjamin.
1:24 Speaker 02 That hurt, but was also very funny, Benjamin.
1:27 Speaker 03 You'd love Chatsworth House. It's lovely.
1:28 Speaker 02 Where is it? Which one is that?
1:30 Speaker 03 Derbyshire.
1:30 Speaker 02 Is that?
1:31 Speaker 03 I don't know if that's a Derbyshire accent.
1:32 Speaker 02 Is that Lady Chatterley's lover? Is that what that one is?
1:35 Speaker 03 No, it's, oh, I'm gonna forget which duke and duchess it's the ancestral home of, but it's, it's very good. It's worth, it's a nice day out. You'll know the one if you'd know it by looking at it.
1:43 Speaker 02 Is it one of them where, being a bit tight on?
1:46 Speaker 03 Do you want more gin?
1:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, go on. It's been a tough week. Is it one of them where you can actually go in and have a look round?
1:52 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, very much so. It's a big, um.
1:54 Speaker 02 Because the ones, the annoying way they go, there's like a few rooms open and then you go and look at gardens. You want to look at gardens.
2:01 Speaker 03 And there are little pine cones on the chairs telling you not to sit on them.
2:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:04 Speaker 03 Always makes me laugh.
2:05 Speaker 02 And the gardens are fine, but I'd rather look in the house. I like seeing old furniture.
2:09 Speaker 03 It's nice to do both.
2:11 Speaker 02 Gardens.
2:12 Speaker 03 Oh, I think the garden can be lovely. The Chatsworth gardens are lovely.
2:14 Speaker 02 Did you ever do Chelsea Flower Show?
2:17 Speaker 03 Funny enough, I was going to be doing it this year, but for various reasons I can't do it now.
2:20 Speaker 02 Have you ever been before?
2:21 Speaker 03 No.
2:22 Speaker 02 I've, see, I'd think Chelsea Flower Show and I'd think you.
2:27 Speaker 03 Surrounded by pandas.
2:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
2:29 Speaker 02 I've never been.
2:30 Speaker 03 No.
2:30 Speaker 02 What is it, just a show about flowers?
2:32 Speaker 03 It is, it's in Chelsea.
2:34 Speaker 02 Is it still on BBC, that they still show it?
2:36 Speaker 03 They do, yes.
2:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. Monty Don, and probably Monty Dong, my gardener, will be there.
2:42 Speaker 02 Hmm. What's your favourite flower?
2:44 Speaker 03 Um, well, peony, but I feel everybody likes peonies, and it is peony season now.
2:48 Speaker 02 Peony, they're a football team?
2:50 Speaker 03 No, no.
2:51 Speaker 02 Peony, Preston North End?
2:52 Speaker 03 No, and definitely not.
2:54 Speaker 02 Peony, peony, peony, is it not?
2:56 Speaker 03 No, it's a lovely delicate flower.
2:58 Speaker 02 Nob End songs.
2:59 Speaker 03 Um.
3:00 Speaker 02 Can I see a picture of a peony? Can I see?
3:01 Speaker 03 Do you wanna see my peony?
3:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'd love to see your peony.
3:03 Speaker 03 Peonies.
3:04 Speaker 02 Oh, sure.
3:05 Speaker 03 Often pink.
3:06 Speaker 02 I can't see. Oh, they're pink roses, aren't they?
3:08 Speaker 03 They're not pink roses, they're peonies.
3:09 Speaker 02 Oh, they're nice. I like lilies.
3:11 Speaker 03 Ah, funeral flower.
3:13 Speaker 02 They're not. Or daffodils.
3:16 Speaker 03 Now, I've said it before, on, when I used to write for the Daily Mail, daffodils in flowerbeds, upmarket. Daffodils in pots, common.
3:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, what other flowers do you think's common?
3:29 Speaker 03 Oh, I mean, how long did you, gladioli are pretty common, but Dame Edna sort of made them acceptable in an ironic way. Uh.
3:36 Speaker 02 Do you like butter? Do you remember them ones?
3:38 Speaker 03 Buttercups, yeah. They're more weeds, but rather than a flower.
3:43 Speaker 02 That's it, butter.
3:43 Speaker 03 It's a flowering weed.
3:44 Speaker 02 Daffodils used to make you piss bed. No, dandelions used to make piss bed.
3:48 Speaker 03 Uh.
3:48 Speaker 02 Remember that? No, pick dandelions and make you piss their bed.
3:51 Speaker 03 Uh, what else is quite common? Um, busylizes, uh, they're quite common.
3:56 Speaker 02 Few of them.
3:57 Speaker 03 Gerberas, can't stand gerberas.
3:59 Speaker 02 Ah, they're always bloody getting sunbeds on holiday, aren't they?
4:02 Speaker 03 I mean, that's Germans.
4:03 Speaker 02 Oh, right, sorry.
4:06 Speaker 02 Do my head in as well.
4:08 Speaker 03 Anyway, what's your favourite flower?
4:10 Speaker 02 Um.
4:10 Speaker 03 Other than a lily?
4:11 Speaker 02 Lily? I'm not really into flowers.
4:14 Speaker 03 Oh, shush, shush.
4:15 Speaker 02 I'm not, I'm not. Someone bought me flowers once, I was like.
4:19 Speaker 03 I've often bought you flowers.
4:20 Speaker 02 Oh, is it? Yeah.
4:23 Speaker 02 It was. It was.
4:25 Speaker 03 I always send you flowers.
4:26 Speaker 02 I know. Just send me some cake next time.
4:30 Speaker 03 Cake?
4:31 Speaker 02 No, I'm joking. Anyway, let's do a toast.
4:33 Speaker 03 Yes, this week's toast goes to Chris from his husband, Chris, who said, I just want to request a shout out to my husband. It'd really cheer him up as he's literally saved my life more than once. He's addicted to your podcast. His name is Chris Parvin Walsh. We double barreled when we got married, so we're both Christopher Parvin Walsh. Well, I know gays are known as, you know, a little bit narcissistic, but that's taking it to a whole new level.
4:57 Speaker 02 No, it's cute. Could you go, would you marry, if Mikey was called William, would you have married him?
5:01 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, because he would be William Warrell and I'd be William Hanson.
5:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, but just could you go out with someone with the same name?
5:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, I probably could.
5:09 Speaker 02 Do you know what I've only just realised, blows my mind? You know Ben and Kat this morning?
5:13 Speaker 03 Yes.
5:13 Speaker 02 Ben and Kat.
5:14 Speaker 03 I mean, we realised that a while ago, but yes.
5:17 Speaker 02 You and Kat are Ben and Kat from this morning. And also you're Ben and Kat from Sexton.
5:22 Speaker 03 Yeah. Which one's more, more iconic?
5:25 Speaker 02 Please don't associate me with ITV daytime, Jordan. This lady's not fraternity.
5:31 Speaker 03 Well, let's toast Chris Parvin Walsh. He was a Parvin, he was a Walsh, suddenly they're hyphenated.
5:36 Speaker 02 His name was Chris Parvin Walsh. He had my name too. And whenever we go out, the people always shout, there goes Chris Parvin Walsh.
5:46 Speaker 03 That was actually very melodic.
5:48 Speaker 02 Do you remember John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?
5:51 Speaker 03 I only remember it from you.
5:52 Speaker 02 He had my name too. Is it off recess? And whenever we go out, the people always shout, there goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
6:00 Speaker 03 Yes.
6:02 Speaker 02 Salute.
6:03 Speaker 03 Bottoms up. Thank you very much. Now, very excitingly, Jordan, this coming Friday, we are going to be doing, and it's going to be a real head twist for me. We're going to be doing the long awaited collaboration episode with the Luxury Podcast.
6:20 Speaker 02 Yes.
6:21 Speaker 03 Which is my other podcast.
6:23 Speaker 02 With Jonathan Vernon Smith, who's our mutual friend. William introduced me to Jonathan Vernon Smith a few years ago. I absolutely love the guy. I think he's so funny.
6:31 Speaker 03 Well, it's going to be very odd having both of my podcast husbands in the same room together.
6:36 Speaker 02 You know, it's weird that you've got another podcast, very similar to this one, with another radio host.
6:42 Speaker 03 With the letter J.
6:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:44 Speaker 02 What's going on there?
6:45 Speaker 03 I don't know. I'm sure, maybe I should talk about that with my therapist.
6:47 Speaker 02 How did that come about?
6:49 Speaker 03 Well, I've known, I've, I actually think I met Jonathan the same year I met you, which also makes it weird.
6:56 Speaker 02 That probably makes sense.
6:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:57 Speaker 02 What year did we met? 2011?
7:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, yeah, 11 and then again in 12.
7:02 Speaker 02 Or was it 10 and then in 12?
7:04 Speaker 03 No, because it was in pics.
7:05 Speaker 02 Jesus Christ.
7:07 Speaker 03 Because Jonathan used to book me and then everyone used to sort of say that I was basically a mini him. And so eventually on Twitter, back in the day when Twitter was a nice place, and you, you were able to, you know, DM and go, oh, should we go out for a cup of coffee? And we just became very good friends.
7:22 Speaker 02 Did he take you out in Soho and get you pissed?
7:24 Speaker 03 Not that, on that occasion, but yes, he has previously.
7:26 Speaker 02 Something that makes me sound a bit dodgy.
7:28 Speaker 03 No, no, no, it was four o'clock in the afternoon. It was back in the day before he had dogs and he could, he could just sort of do the show and then come into Soho. And people thought he'd date raped me. He hadn't. It's just I had not had any food that day, had half a gin and tonic.
7:43 Speaker 02 That took a turn.
7:44 Speaker 03 And, and yeah.
7:46 Speaker 02 You were paralytic.
7:47 Speaker 03 I was paralytic. He had to order me a bread basket and I had to demolish the whole thing. So anyway, getting drunk in Soho, it's, it's completely behind me.
7:54 Speaker 02 So we're going to do that on Friday. You're going to hear what happened.
7:57 Speaker 03 Yes, indeed. That'll be a lovely, a lovely episode.
8:00 Speaker 02 That'll be, that'll be fun. Do you, I want to, I used to do an impression of him, but yours is better. Go on, do your impression. This is what you can expect.
8:06 Speaker 03 Jonathan, Jonathan always, the thing is that we say on the Luxury Podcast is when we, when Jonathan and I will go out for dinner, he'll look at, you know, a menu and I know what he's, this is why Jonathan and I, in many ways were very similar. You and I are very similar, but we'll talk about this more on Friday. But Jonathan will read it, spend 10 minutes reading the menu, often with his glasses on the end of the nose with his torch out because of, you know, he's a bit older than me.
8:28 Speaker 02 Age.
8:28 Speaker 03 Yeah. And, and then just go. I think I have the burger, which is, and it's, I just, just order the burger. Don't bother reading the menu, just have the burger. He loves a burger.
8:37 Speaker 02 He can tell a tale. You know, one of those mates that can tell a tale.
8:41 Speaker 03 A radio presenter with the letter J who can tell a tale and is quite funny. I have very diverse friends.
8:47 Speaker 02 He's also very private as well.
8:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:50 Speaker 02 It's a bit weird, isn't it?
8:51 Speaker 03 I know. Yes.
8:53 Speaker 04 Hi guys.
8:54 Speaker 03 Hello. Oh, hello Ben.
8:55 Speaker 02 Hi Ben.
8:56 Speaker 04 William, you had a nice sentence to describe the difference between the two podcasts, didn't you?
9:00 Speaker 03 Yes. So sexy is chalk and cheese, whereas luxury is cheese and wine. Which makes me the cheese. Alas.
9:10 Speaker 02 And what sort of cheese? I don't know how to take that, but all right. What sort of?
9:13 Speaker 03 Well, chalk and cheese, because we're, you know, on the surface, we're different, aren't we?
9:16 Speaker 02 We are. We started off.
9:18 Speaker 03 Started off different.
9:18 Speaker 02 We are different. We're very different.
9:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:21 Speaker 02 We spend like the, we are, the people say, we joke and say, oh, you're the posh one now. We are so different. How we spend our weekends.
9:28 Speaker 03 Yep.
9:29 Speaker 02 How we like
9:32 Speaker 02 dress.
9:32 Speaker 03 Hmm.
9:33 Speaker 02 How we talk.
9:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:34 Speaker 02 What we're into. You know, it's all very different. But anyway, yeah, what sort of cheese would you pick?
9:41 Speaker 03 Um, Rublechon is my favourite type of cheese and luxury at market one with a slightly difficult name that keeps the riffraff away.
9:47 Speaker 02 See, my favourite cheese is dairy leave. I'm not even.
9:49 Speaker 03 Oh, no, it's not anymore.
9:51 Speaker 02 It is. A lot of port salut, but it's, I, I just, I.
9:54 Speaker 03 Chôme, that's that cheese I brought in.
9:56 Speaker 02 Dairy leave cheese slices is honestly my favourite cheese.
10:00 Speaker 03 To be fair, we've had Mike's niece and nephew staying with us recently and we had to buy lots of little baby bells for them because they like a baby bell. There were some left over. I think I like a baby bell.
10:09 Speaker 02 But the, the lighter blue ones are less calories and they're good.
10:13 Speaker 03 They do like, what? Fewer calories, but what?
10:17 Speaker 02 Yes, they do like blue ones. They're just as.
10:19 Speaker 03 And they're few, they're sort of diet.
10:21 Speaker 02 For your elevenses, that with a bit of ham and some crackers before your tea.
10:25 Speaker 03 Well, I think cheese and ham, any type of cheese and ham, preferably, we did this with our Lunchables posh versus common thing. You know, I did the more at market cheese and ham. You did ultra-processed. Didn't you?
10:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:37 Speaker 02 Scott, again, I'm not changed, that's my favourite.
10:39 Speaker 03 Okay, well, that's, that's good to know.
10:40 Speaker 02 We're looking forward to that with, with Jonathan.
10:43 Speaker 03 Yes.
10:43 Speaker 02 We are.
10:44 Speaker 03 What's going on with you?
10:45 Speaker 02 Oh, you know, it, it's been a, it's been a, another mad busy week. I know I keep talking about it, but this jet washing thing now is, is turning into a bit of an obsession.
10:55 Speaker 03 And, because you messaged me over the weekend, asking about Wet and Forget.
10:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:59 Speaker 03 And if you needed a sprayer.
11:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:00 Speaker 03 So I sent you the link. I, I did wonder whether, when you sent me that message, were you then expecting me to order the sprayer for you and it to turn up?
11:07 Speaker 02 No.
11:07 Speaker 03 I didn't.
11:08 Speaker 02 No.
11:08 Speaker 03 I just sent you the link.
11:09 Speaker 02 You sent me the link to Wet and Forget?
11:10 Speaker 03 No, I sent you the link to the sprayer.
11:13 Speaker 02 Oh, so what have I ordered?
11:15 Speaker 03 Well, I don't know. I sent you the link to the sprayer. It's just a empty spray bottle and you mix up your solution and put it in.
11:20 Speaker 02 Oh, well, I just ordered the Wet and Forget, but then it turns out, you don't, if you've got a jet wash, you don't need that.
11:25 Speaker 03 Hmm.
11:26 Speaker 02 So.
11:26 Speaker 03 No, jet wash takes off the surface layer and then Wet and Forget goes in.
11:30 Speaker 02 Oh, should I put that down after?
11:31 Speaker 03 Yes. Jet wash first.
11:33 Speaker 02 Bollocks!
11:34 Speaker 03 No, you don't need to do it immediately after. If you've jet washed, that's fine. Just do it this weekend.
11:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, but then it's a week for all the dirt to get on it.
11:40 Speaker 03 I think in a week, it's going to be okay.
11:42 Speaker 02 Look at that, absolutely gleaming. Look at those flags.
11:46 Speaker 03 Lovely. Put your Wet and Forget on that.
11:47 Speaker 02 I was out there. Look, I did alt walls. Put a picture up for you. Look, look how nice gardener come as well.
11:55 Speaker 03 Oh, you found one?
11:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:57 Speaker 03 Okay. What's your gardener called?
11:58 Speaker 02 A tough rabbit. What was his name? Tom.
12:03 Speaker 03 Tom.
12:04 Speaker 02 Really nice guy. He was three hours late.
12:07 Speaker 03 What?
12:07 Speaker 02 Yes.
12:08 Speaker 03 I would absolutely have sacked him.
12:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, I, I was close to being, but he was, he, he, he was a young lad and he was very apologetic and I wasn't doing anything. I was a bit annoyed, but when he arrived.
12:17 Speaker 03 Did he even say sorry?
12:18 Speaker 02 As soon as he was, I am so sorry.
12:20 Speaker 03 Had he communicated he was annoyed?
12:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then he, he said, I'm, I'm so sorry.
12:24 Speaker 03 And what's his excuse?
12:26 Speaker 02 And then he stayed till, um, he, he stayed.
12:31 Speaker 02 Till about seven o'clock.
12:32 Speaker 03 Stayed over.
12:33 Speaker 02 No, but he did a really good job.
12:34 Speaker 03 Okay, good.
12:35 Speaker 02 Cracking job.
12:36 Speaker 03 Do you wet and forget this weekend?
12:37 Speaker 02 I will do.
12:38 Speaker 03 It'll see you through it and then you do it again in sort of September, October. That'll see it through the winter.
12:42 Speaker 02 Okay, I will, I will do it because it's, I really, really wanna start full-time jet washing.
12:47 Speaker 03 Okay.
12:48 Speaker 02 It's my new thing.
12:49 Speaker 03 It's, it's very therapeutic.
12:50 Speaker 02 It's so therapeutic.
12:51 Speaker 03 This is probably why you like cleaning in general.
12:53 Speaker 02 I was writing my name in thingies and everything, I was blasting it. And then I did all top it drain, but what you can't do with a jet washer, worth knowing. I've overdid some new stones as well to put into.
13:06 Speaker 03 New stones?
13:06 Speaker 02 Pebbles and all them little things, oh.
13:09 Speaker 03 And to be fair, to a jet wash, it makes a fantastic douche.
13:14 Speaker 02 I would not recommend that.
13:16 Speaker 03 You'll never need to do it again.
13:17 Speaker 02 No, I put, don't shove a jet wash up your arse.
13:19 Speaker 03 No, we're not recommending it was a joke.
13:21 Speaker 02 I know I keep talking about it, but I, I'm, from now on, when I'm stressed, I'm just gonna go out and jet wash.
13:27 Speaker 03 I think probably jet washers, professional jet washers get in touch, you can probably over jet wash the same area.
13:34 Speaker 02 Do you want me to come round to your house and jet wash?
13:36 Speaker 03 No, because I don't wet and forget.
13:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I want some jet wash for you.
13:39 Speaker 03 And my friend Uncle did it for us anyway, last year, before you went into jet washing. It was his housewarming gift to us.
13:44 Speaker 02 How could you? What? He came around with it.
13:46 Speaker 03 He said, for Ellie and his housewarming gift, he will come and jet wash.
13:50 Speaker 02 That's so lovely.
13:51 Speaker 03 I think it's a lovely idea.
13:52 Speaker 02 Do you know, my friends, I always remember at a wedding, my mate got married and one of the guests said, look, we're a bit skinned at the moment. Um, if paint and decorate, I think I told you this, but I'll, I'll, I'll do your living room. And he did it.
14:06 Speaker 03 Donate your time.
14:06 Speaker 02 Did it. I thought that was so sweet that they did that.
14:09 Speaker 03 Totally.
14:10 Speaker 02 That's very, I, do you know, Ben, do you want me to come around and jet wash?
14:15 Speaker 04 I told you, I've already jet washed. That's why we set up BJ Services.
14:18 Speaker 02 Oh, right. Is he, do you want me to come around and jet wash? Yeah, just get me a couple of cans in and we'll do jet. I want us to get some beers in and take our tops off and jet wash. I don't know why I mentioned the last bit.
14:30 Speaker 03 Hello, Freud.
14:31 Speaker 02 Who's Freud?
14:33 Speaker 03 Don't worry, look him up.
14:34 Speaker 02 Who's Freud?
14:34 Speaker 03 Well, he's not alive now.
14:35 Speaker 02 I've been jet washing. Um, also, I'm quite worried. I wanna get your opinion on this. Been in the news a lot.
14:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:41 Speaker 02 Over the past few weeks, I've been seeing a lot of videos, they might be banning the, the, the famous airport pint.
14:47 Speaker 03 Well, good, good.
14:49 Speaker 02 I can see both sides.
14:51 Speaker 03 Any time, or like in the morning?
14:53 Speaker 02 In the morning. So your man O'Leary from Ryanair.
14:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:57 Speaker 02 Has said that they need to ban airport pints.
14:59 Speaker 03 Hmm.
14:59 Speaker 02 Especially in the mornings, because it's the only place, because airports have different licensing rules. So it's the only place in the country where you can like get a pint at six in the morning. Okay, which is great, but some knobheads are ruining it for the rest of them. Apparently. He's saying now, like, one flight a week's being diverted. A Ryanair flight, which, and have you seen some of these horror stories? And, uh, but they ruin it for everyone else. Cause not better than getting to airport and having a pint.
15:25 Speaker 03 Can I just ask, is this news story? Any coincidence that a couple of weeks ago, your brothers were out in Benidorm?
15:31 Speaker 02 No.
15:32 Speaker 03 Has that planted the seed in Michael O'Leary's head?
15:34 Speaker 02 They're, they're well behaved.
15:35 Speaker 03 Were they patient zero?
15:36 Speaker 02 They weren't patient zero, but they did fly Ryanair, actually.
15:40 Speaker 03 Well, there we go. Can I say on that? I wouldn't worry because I'm fairly convinced we'll just absolutely fact check this. I'm, cause you remember years ago, Michael O'Leary came out and said they were going to charge people to go to the lit on a Ryanair flight. He subsequently then came and said, I just basically said that to get headlines for Ryanair. This sounds like one of those.
15:58 Speaker 02 No, no, no, no.
15:59 Speaker 03 This absolutely sounds like one of those.
16:00 Speaker 02 Genuinely, like, and a lot of, uh, uh, steward, uh, what are they called? Cabin crew.
16:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:06 Speaker 02 A lot of cabin crew are saying it as well.
16:08 Speaker 03 I'd imagine.
16:08 Speaker 02 You do see some of these videos of people on the way to, oh, it's awful. I don't mind the ones where everyone, they've got a boombox or a Bluetooth speaker and everyone's like, ah, Ben, you know, the one's going to.
16:18 Speaker 03 What?
16:19 Speaker 02 Have you not seen it?
16:20 Speaker 03 I would absolutely die.
16:22 Speaker 02 You'd be that one person, but it's like, it's usually a flight to Beetha.
16:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:26 Speaker 02 And they've got like a Bluetooth speaker and everyone's like, ah, Ben, go bus. And everyone's like, whoa, whoa, that looks fun.
16:31 Speaker 03 No, you don't get that on British Airways.
16:32 Speaker 02 That, you do.
16:33 Speaker 03 Not on the flights I've been on.
16:35 Speaker 02 I'm kind of like, can see where it is. So I wanted your thoughts on it. Do you think they should ban?
16:39 Speaker 03 Yep.
16:40 Speaker 02 Ev- all, you should be.
16:42 Speaker 03 Before twelve.
16:42 Speaker 02 Before twelve?
16:43 Speaker 03 Before twelve.
16:45 Speaker 02 What are you gonna do with your Wetherspoons breakfast?
16:47 Speaker 03 Have a coffee, have a tea.
16:48 Speaker 02 Don't be boring.
16:50 Speaker 03 Nice glass of orange juice.
16:51 Speaker 02 So I'm gonna put out a warning, right? To all those knobs that get too drunk at airports, don't ruin it for the rest of us. Cause some of us like just one or two drinks before it's part of the fun. It's start your holiday. So go on and start scrapping, behave yourself. You're like you've been dragged up.
17:06 Speaker 03 I would.
17:07 Speaker 02 When you're kicking off on these flights, think of your mothers. What would your mother say? That's what I do. That's what keeps me in check. I'm not a religious man. I don't think, what would God do? I think, what would Wendy say about this?
17:17 Speaker 03 Right. You always think that, do you?
17:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:19 Speaker 03 Okay. I would suggest.
17:21 Speaker 02 I'm like him from Psycho, aren't I? Norman Bates. Mother says.
17:26 Speaker 03 I would like to say, maybe you could bring in legislation that people are only allowed one beer before a flight, even from 6am. But the trouble is, people will abuse that. And then how do you police it as well? And that's going to be a complete waste of time. So I would just say, you ban alcohol at airports before 12 o'clock.
17:42 Speaker 02 No, that ruins it for the rest of us.
17:44 Speaker 03 Well, so what? Have a beer before you leave the house?
17:46 Speaker 02 Bands for gobshites that start kicking off.
17:48 Speaker 03 No, because again, airports have got enough to do without, you know, they've got all, you know, losing luggage and stuff to do. They don't want to be doing that.
17:53 Speaker 02 Don't ruin it for everyone else. You know, for World Cup, pubs are allowed to serve till 2am.
17:58 Speaker 03 Or don't have a drink before you get on the flight. You don't need that.
18:03 Speaker 02 Are you buzzing for World Cup?
18:05 Speaker 03 Jordan, I am absolutely beside myself with excitement.
18:10 Speaker 02 It still annoys me that last time England were in the final, you had people over for a dinner. Why didn't you cancel it? And didn't you have it on in the background or something?
18:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, Joe Look came over. Yeah. And, and Joe surprises all by saying, I'd like to, I'd like to watch the football. I'm sorry. So we did. We allowed him.
18:27 Speaker 02 Okay.
18:28 Speaker 03 We tried to be interested.
18:29 Speaker 02 Ben, we'll do a BJ's jet washing footy. We'll, we'll, we'll jet wash and we'll watch the footy together with our tops off.
18:37 Speaker 04 The whole time with our tops off. Can't wait.
18:39 Speaker 02 Okay. You can come and watch, Izzy.
18:40 Speaker 03 Hmm.
18:41 Speaker 04 The football or the?
18:43 Speaker 02 The jet washing. Like a Daggett Coke advert. I don't want to be okay. I just, well, the G and D would love to see a jet washing video of, bring your jet wash to my house and we'll film it.
18:55 Speaker 03 Well, hang on, you've got a jet wash. Why does he have to bring it?
18:57 Speaker 02 We can.
18:58 Speaker 04 I don't have a jet wash. I don't have one.
19:00 Speaker 03 He had to borrow his father-in-law's.
19:01 Speaker 02 Oh, well, I'll come round and do it then. Never mind your father-in-law's.
19:08 Speaker 04 You could buy me a jet wash.
19:09 Speaker 02 Fucking med money, Christ.
19:12 Speaker 03 Have you seen that there is a new documentary coming to Netflix about Kylie Minogue?
19:18 Speaker 02 I have seen this.
19:19 Speaker 03 You see, we've put her back in the zeitgeist all of a sudden and now she's cashing in.
19:23 Speaker 02 She got a number one album. We didn't put her in the zeitgeist and she's been.
19:27 Speaker 03 Think we did.
19:27 Speaker 02 She's been very popular for four decades.
19:30 Speaker 03 Not arguing with that. I just don't think it's a coincidence that since we did our Kylie montage on tour, now she's back with a documentary.
19:38 Speaker 02 Hmm. Oh, right.
19:40 Speaker 03 I just like, some credit would be nice.
19:42 Speaker 02 Okay.
19:42 Speaker 03 We probably might be in the credits, in which case I'll let her off.
19:45 Speaker 02 Okay.
19:45 Speaker 03 It's out in a couple of weeks.
19:46 Speaker 02 Next time I speak to her later.
19:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:48 Speaker 02 She's one of my favourite guests to interview. Hey, speaking of documentaries, have you watched that Should I Marry a Murderer on Netflix?
19:54 Speaker 03 No, because I'm already married, so I don't need to ask the question.
19:56 Speaker 02 You, have you watched it? Oh, you'll like it, right? She meets this guy and then he confesses.
20:01 Speaker 03 Is this true?
20:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, and he confesses a murder to her in Scotland. Oh, it's good. It'll get, it'll have you asking many a question at the end. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's really good.
20:11 Speaker 03 Okay.
20:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'd highly recommend.
20:12 Speaker 03 I did see it when it popped up on the TV and I went, oh.
20:15 Speaker 02 No, no, no, it's good.
20:16 Speaker 03 It's got murder in the title. I'm interested, but I will, I thought it was a drama.
20:20 Speaker 02 And I watched that, The Cage with Sheridan Smith. That's pretty good.
20:25 Speaker 03 Oh, really? Is that on ITV?
20:26 Speaker 02 It's on iPlayer.
20:27 Speaker 03 Okay.
20:27 Speaker 02 And there was something else I finished recently, but that was really good.
20:31 Speaker 04 Would you marry a murderer?
20:34 Speaker 02 We've all got our faults and it depends, it depends what and how.
20:41 Speaker 03 Okay, would you, let's, let's.
20:42 Speaker 02 Give me a scenario.
20:43 Speaker 03 Let's work backwards. Would you marry an arsonist?
20:47 Speaker 02 It depends again.
20:49 Speaker 03 Okay.
20:49 Speaker 02 If they burnt down, like if, if she said to me, look, George, I feel like we're really going places here. I just want a confession to make. It's like, what?
20:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:58 Speaker 02 It's like, when I was younger, I really pissed off my boss, so I burnt the factory down. No one died. I did a few years in prison.
21:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:06 Speaker 02 I'd be like, right, we all make stupid mistakes, but you said I burnt down a school.
21:10 Speaker 03 Hmm.
21:11 Speaker 02 I'd be like, that's a bit different. So it depends. So.
21:14 Speaker 03 Would you marry a kleptomaniac?
21:17 Speaker 02 What do they do?
21:18 Speaker 03 A thief.
21:19 Speaker 02 What, a thief?
21:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:22 Speaker 02 I don't know, because I don't like fever. I think it's one of the worst things you can do. I mean arson's pretty bad.
21:27 Speaker 03 And also, I think murder.
21:30 Speaker 02 See, I could forgive a murderer, but not a burglar.
21:33 Speaker 03 How? What? I'm sorry, what?
21:35 Speaker 02 Well, maybe, no, maybe.
21:37 Speaker 03 Do you want to just retract that?
21:39 Speaker 02 Well, I just think one of the scummiest things, I know loads of people that would be burgled. I think one of the scummiest things you can do is go into someone's home and burglar. I mean, murder's terrible.
21:46 Speaker 03 Yeah, go into their home and, you know, shoot their dog.
21:48 Speaker 02 No, that's steal and wreck it and stuff like that. You know, once you've got in someone's home, it's hard to feel safe. It's, no, I don't think I'd ever, I don't know. We've all got past. I don't, why are we getting into it? I probably wouldn't marry a murderer.
22:00 Speaker 03 Would you marry someone committed for manslaughter?
22:02 Speaker 02 Again, it, look, I'm a reasonable.
22:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:06 Speaker 02 It, it all depends, because you've got to think of the victims, the victim's family.
22:11 Speaker 03 You do.
22:12 Speaker 02 What, define manslaughter?
22:14 Speaker 03 Well, manslaughter is where you kill someone that you didn't intend to.
22:16 Speaker 02 So like, in an accident, in a car?
22:19 Speaker 04 Like William, who didn't aerate his tank, so murdered his girlfriend.
22:23 Speaker 02 Well, that sort of manslaughter, I'd be like, that's fine. A murderer, probably not.
22:29 Speaker 03 Okay, so probably the answer to should I marry a murderer is no.
22:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:35 Speaker 03 Well, good. We've all learnt something on this podcast.
22:38 Speaker 02 Would, yeah, probably.
22:42 Speaker 02 Actually, people that break the law, it's kind of a red flag, isn't it?
22:45 Speaker 03 I think it's a red flag, yeah.
22:47 Speaker 02 Would you marry a murderer?
22:48 Speaker 03 No.
22:49 Speaker 02 Would you marry an arsonist?
22:50 Speaker 03 No.
22:51 Speaker 02 Would you marry a?
22:53 Speaker 03 You'd be worried about the arsonists when they go, gosh, this relationship's really on fire.
22:58 Speaker 02 Would you marry someone that committed fraud?
23:00 Speaker 03 No.
23:01 Speaker 02 Would you not?
23:02 Speaker 03 No.
23:03 Speaker 02 I'm a bit of fraud, which is obviously terrible.
23:07 Speaker 03 Well, we'll be taking a close look at Jordan's tax return.
23:09 Speaker 02 Would you marry a tax dodger?
23:11 Speaker 03 No.
23:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, that winds me up as well. People that don't pay the tax.
23:16 Speaker 03 Um, in other news, I've been sitting on something for a while, and I'd like to tell you.
23:20 Speaker 02 Oh, I wondered, oh, oh, not physically?
23:23 Speaker 03 Not physically, metaphorically.
23:25 Speaker 02 I was gonna say.
23:26 Speaker 03 It's not normally how I do it.
23:27 Speaker 02 Usually it's like, you've got to prove your ass, but now, okay. What?
23:32 Speaker 03 Um, so, bit of news, everybody. I, uh, starting on the 9th of June.
23:40 Speaker 02 That is a-
23:41 Speaker 03 In only a matter of weeks' time.
23:42 Speaker 02 Uh, that's a Tuesday.
23:44 Speaker 03 It is Tuesday. Well done you.
23:46 Speaker 04 Two days before the World Cup starts.
23:48 Speaker 03 Exactly. So there is the World Cup. This is my World Cup. It's been a bizarre turn of events. And everybody, well, not everybody in this room knows, but a lot of people in this room know, other than you.
23:59 Speaker 02 Again, oh, are you getting divorced?
24:02 Speaker 03 No.
24:03 Speaker 02 Because this was like when you got engaged.
24:05 Speaker 03 No, on the 9th of June, I shall be joining the Western cast of Titanic.
24:12 Speaker 02 Are you actually?
24:13 Speaker 03 Yes.
24:14 Speaker 02 Are you really?
24:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:16 Speaker 02 Oh, that's great. What are you doing?
24:18 Speaker 03 I'm going to be Celine. No, I'm not. I'm-
24:20 Speaker 02 Are you going to be in Titanic?
24:22 Speaker 03 I'm going to be in Titanic.
24:22 Speaker 02 Oh, I'll have to come and see you.
24:24 Speaker 03 That would be nice, yes.
24:25 Speaker 02 That's some, oh, give us a cuddle. Oh, well done.
24:28 Speaker 03 Thank you, John.
24:29 Speaker 02 Are you actually, what are you going to be in it?
24:31 Speaker 03 I'm going to be Ruth.
24:32 Speaker 02 Who's Ruth?
24:33 Speaker 03 Uh, Kate Winslet's mother.
24:35 Speaker 02 Oh, so you've got a part?
24:37 Speaker 03 Yes. It's a, it's a non-singing role. Everyone will be pleased to know.
24:41 Speaker 02 And is that every night?
24:43 Speaker 03 Eight shows a week.
24:44 Speaker 02 Oh my God.
24:45 Speaker 03 For six weeks only.
24:46 Speaker 02 You're going to actually for the first time ever have a proper job.
24:51 Speaker 02 Um, oh my, are you going to be all right? It's a lot, it's a big commitment.
24:54 Speaker 03 Fuck off.
24:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, fuck off. Do you know how many hours I did last week? Just say, anyway, that's amazing.
25:01 Speaker 03 Thank you very much.
25:01 Speaker 02 How long are you doing it for? How long?
25:02 Speaker 03 Six weeks.
25:03 Speaker 02 Six weeks?
25:04 Speaker 03 So this is the part previously vacated by Tom Allen.
25:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:07 Speaker 03 So obviously the team of Tom Allen is going to be taking over for them. Uh, and I'm incredibly nervous.
25:13 Speaker 02 You'll be, you'll be fine.
25:15 Speaker 03 I did not see it coming, if I'm honest. It was not something, it just sort of happened, and it's happened so quickly. But I am so excited. I'm very grateful for whoever, uh-
25:25 Speaker 02 It's amazing. This is so good.
25:27 Speaker 03 And, um, it's going to be something different. Because it's, you know, I've got to learn a script, I've got to learn a script.
25:32 Speaker 02 How, how, is it quite a big script?
25:34 Speaker 03 It's an ensemble piece. So, I mean, there are a lot, we're all sort of on it for basically the same sort of time. Um, because you, because we were meant to go and see it together, but then you had to do something, I can't remember what it was. So we went with Izzy and Ben and-
25:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:47 Speaker 03 And Mikey, so-
25:48 Speaker 02 They get work commitments.
25:49 Speaker 03 You did have work commitments. So you can now come and see it. Starting on the ninth of June at the Criterion Theatre.
25:55 Speaker 02 That's amazing. I'll, I'll let you settle in and then I'll come and see you.
25:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, I have said, Mikey can come to show one because he is my husband, but other than that, if everyone that knows me very well could just give it a couple of days.
26:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, let you settle in. I am so chuffed. Yeah.
26:09 Speaker 03 Thank you very much.
26:10 Speaker 02 This is very well, you're gonna be a West End star.
26:12 Speaker 03 Thank you.
26:13 Speaker 02 Oh, wow.
26:15 Speaker 03 It has just got four Tony nominations on Broadway. There are rumours of a Broadway transfer for me already.
26:21 Speaker 02 Is there actually?
26:22 Speaker 03 No, there aren't. I haven't even done in the West End yet, for God's sake.
26:24 Speaker 02 How many lines have you got?
26:25 Speaker 03 I don't know. They haven't actually sent me the script.
26:27 Speaker 02 Is it quite a lot?
26:28 Speaker 03 It's, it's a meaty part to get my teeth round.
26:32 Speaker 02 Are you playing a woman?
26:33 Speaker 03 Yes.
26:33 Speaker 02 How are you doing? Is it drag?
26:34 Speaker 03 I don't know.
26:35 Speaker 02 Oh, this is, I'm so happy for you.
26:37 Speaker 03 I have to have a, like a headband with a bird's nest on my head and wear a pearl necklace.
26:43 Speaker 02 You've got that in your cupboard.
26:45 Speaker 03 Got that underneath here.
26:46 Speaker 02 I'm so chuffed.
26:47 Speaker 03 Thank you very much.
26:48 Speaker 02 You've always wanted to be on, since you were a little girl, you've always wanted to be on the West End, haven't you?
26:53 Speaker 03 Um, well, yes and no. It's just something I never thought.
26:56 Speaker 02 This is so good for you.
26:57 Speaker 03 Thank you. Something I never thought would happen. Um, and I was asked originally and I thought, oh God, do I want to do this? And then actually the more I thought about it, I went, yeah, I would quite like to do this.
27:09 Speaker 02 You're big time now, son.
27:11 Speaker 03 Oh.
27:11 Speaker 02 I'm gonna wait.
27:12 Speaker 03 For six weeks.
27:12 Speaker 02 I'm gonna wait backstage when you come out the entrance and get your autograph.
27:16 Speaker 03 Oh, bless you.
27:17 Speaker 02 I am, yeah.
27:18 Speaker 03 No, that is separate backstage for me.
27:19 Speaker 02 Oh, is it?
27:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, just to bypass you.
27:21 Speaker 02 Congratulations.
27:22 Speaker 03 Thank you.
27:22 Speaker 02 It's amazing. I was gonna ask you if having a butter dish was posh, but I think we're.
27:27 Speaker 03 Save it for next episode.
27:28 Speaker 02 I'll save it for next episode.
27:29 Speaker 03 You've got to give them something to listen to.
27:30 Speaker 02 I was gonna ask you about butter dishes, but I want, I want, before we go to the break.
27:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:34 Speaker 05 William Hanson, everybody.
27:36 Speaker 03 Bless you.
27:36 Speaker 05 Our little West End star.
27:39 Speaker 02 West End girl.
27:40 Speaker 03 West End Wendy.
27:42 Speaker 05 Alexa, play West End Girls.
27:45 Speaker 06 West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys on Amazon Music.
27:49 Speaker 03 We're gonna have to pay for this.
27:51 Speaker 02 We'll pay it. It's worth every penny for you.
27:54 Speaker 02 Oh, it's got a lung in it. Right, I'll just do it on my phone for fuck's sake.
27:59 Speaker 03 If you want to buy your tickets, of course, you can just search Titanique London wherever you buy your tickets. Come and see me.
28:07 Speaker 02 In a town in a dead end world, East End boys and West End girls.
28:12 Speaker 03 Oh, you're an East End boy.
28:15 Speaker 02 In a West End town in a dead end world, East End boys and West End girls.
28:23 Speaker 03 West End girls.
28:24 Speaker 02 There we are.
28:25 Speaker 03 Oh, thank you.
28:29 Speaker 02 Thank you.
28:30 Speaker 03 Seamless.
28:31 Speaker 02 That was a moment right there, right?
28:32 Speaker 03 Oh, bless you.
28:33 Speaker 02 You're a West End boy, West End girl. All right.
28:35 Speaker 03 Do you know what? It is going to be lovely to do, because every time we do a sexed tour, and obviously the more recent one was only four nights, I'm always like, when you enjoy something.
28:42 Speaker 02 I've been on about 10 minutes now. Remember my first West End show? Bloody hell, come on, we've got to do Jolly Joke at Week and everything else.
28:48 Speaker 03 It's just nice to be able to do something repeatedly, which is nice, because I always want to do more shows when we do the tour. So even when we did like, you know, 412 dates back in the day, it's like, no, I'd like to just do another one. Whereas probably come the 19th of July, when I finish, I'll be like, oh, thank God, that's over.
29:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, have a big holiday afterwards. Are you still going to be able to do podcasts?
29:07 Speaker 03 Well, ye- yes, yes.
29:08 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah?
29:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
29:09 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:09 Speaker 03 So I'll be.
29:10 Speaker 02 Is it just a night time show?
29:12 Speaker 03 Uh, two shows on a Saturday, two shows on a Sunday.
29:15 Speaker 02 Oh, my Christ, they grafters, those West End girls, aren't they? They are. What about your weekends?
29:22 Speaker 03 Well, bye bye.
29:23 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
29:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
29:25 Speaker 02 You'll be in our gym all the time now, because that's where all the West End girls go. Oh, gosh.
29:30 Speaker 03 At least you're calling it our gym.
29:32 Speaker 02 You're going to be go- are you going to be going out after the show?
29:36 Speaker 03 Potentially.
29:36 Speaker 02 My only thing.
29:37 Speaker 03 Why don't you think I've said yes?
29:38 Speaker 02 My biggest worry is I'm chuffing. You're gonna love this. You're gonna get a taste.
29:42 Speaker 03 Mike and I are already talking about separate bedrooms, just because I'll be coming back, you know, late. Or if, even if I finish the show and just come back immediately afterwards, you'll be sort of wired because on adrenaline. And if he's already asleep, it might be better if I sleep in the spare room.
29:55 Speaker 02 Okay. How many shows is that? Eight times six, is it?
29:59 Speaker 03 I don't know. You do the maths.
30:02 Speaker 04 Forty-eight.
30:02 Speaker 03 Forty-eight shows.
30:04 Speaker 02 Oh wow, that's a lot.
30:05 Speaker 03 It's a lot, yeah.
30:07 Speaker 02 Oh.
30:07 Speaker 03 Anyway, thank you for your support, that means a lot.
30:09 Speaker 02 I'm chuffed, yeah, pantomime.
30:12 Speaker 03 Oh no.
30:13 Speaker 02 This kid's got spunk, I'm telling you. He's going places. You little West End girl.
30:18 Speaker 04 I do think that Jordan, your reaction there, like, we need to put up a video on socials of like the direct comparison between that reaction and the engagement reaction, because I think they were very similar.
30:28 Speaker 03 Which is more gay?
30:30 Speaker 02 No, no, no, no. Like, I know you love him to bits, but I reckon he's more chuffed about this than the engagement.
30:38 Speaker 02 Am I not allowed to say that? Oh, come on.
30:41 Speaker 04 Well, let's ask him.
30:41 Speaker 02 Engagement's by the by. Not what years ago, everyone gets engaged these days. West End show, bitch please. I'm proud of you, son.
30:49 Speaker 03 I'm equally as excited, but for very different reasons.
30:52 Speaker 02 West End girl.
30:55 Speaker 02 How are we, William? A West End girl.
30:58 Speaker 03 Oh, your mum would love Titanic. For those that don't know, by the way, Titanic, it's the story of Titanic told in the Songs of Sade.
31:03 Speaker 02 Oh god, this is all we're gonna get for the next fucking six weeks, aren't we? Titanic, my friends at Titanic. Oh, you must meet my darling friends at Titanic. Well, remember your roots, alright? Remember where you come from, okay?
31:15 Speaker 03 Hmm.
31:16 Speaker 02 Hmm.
31:17 Speaker 03 Okay. Right, go on.
31:19 Speaker 02 Beep beep beep beep beep. Hmm.
31:20 Speaker 03 What's that?
31:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, every time you mention Titanic, we'll go beep beep beep beep beep.
31:23 Speaker 03 I won't mention it again.
31:24 Speaker 02 No, no, we're not shitting on your parade, because I'm genuinely chuffed, chuffed for you.
31:28 Speaker 04 It is a great show as well.
31:29 Speaker 03 Yes, Ben, you enjoyed it, didn't you? Yeah.
31:32 Speaker 04 And I think your part is potentially the funniest bit of it.
31:36 Speaker 03 There is an ad-libbed section. It used to be the funniest part, anyway. Let's hope it continues to be.
31:42 Speaker 04 Well, that's what I was gonna say, yeah. But I'm sure it will be.
31:45 Speaker 03 Just got in there a bit quicker.
31:46 Speaker 04 Always do.
31:47 Speaker 02 Alright, uh.
31:49 Speaker 03 Shall we have the jingle?
31:56 Speaker 01 It's the most wonderful time of the year, Halloween. Halloween.
32:02 Speaker 01 And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves.
32:04 Speaker 07 Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat.
32:07 Speaker 01 And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.
32:14 Speaker 07 We've got a spooky hotline caller.
32:16 Speaker 01 An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert.
32:20 Speaker 07 And your tarot card dial letters.
32:22 Speaker 01 Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.
32:30 Speaker 02 Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week, cue the jingle.
32:49 Speaker 02 What'd you get when you crossed the Atlantic with the Titanic?
32:52 Speaker 03 Oh, this is relevant.
32:53 Speaker 02 And I'll tell you the punchline after the break.
32:56 Speaker 03 This wasn't planned.
32:58 Speaker 02 All right, Gene Devers, something sticking with us. Time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. What'd you get when you crossed the Atlantic with the Titanic?
33:05 Speaker 03 I don't know.
33:05 Speaker 02 About halfway.
33:09 Speaker 02 Is that a bit bad?
33:10 Speaker 03 I'll stick that in my monologue.
33:11 Speaker 02 About halfway. Nicky, can we joke about the Titanic now?
33:15 Speaker 03 I mean, Titanic is an entire joke about the Titanic.
33:18 Speaker 02 Oh, is it? I just Googled funny jokes about the Titanic.
33:21 Speaker 03 Oh, bless you.
33:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:23 Speaker 03 Isn't that sweet? That's his love language. Makes a change for you to Google something that isn't Jordan North.
33:28 Speaker 02 So can we, no.
33:32 Speaker 02 That's not true.
33:33 Speaker 03 Such a bit.
33:34 Speaker 02 Do you know what I actually did? Do you want another one?
33:36 Speaker 03 Go on, is it a Titanic theme one?
33:38 Speaker 02 No, it's about condoms.
33:41 Speaker 02 Bloggers into pharmacy. This is from Kylie Blackwell. It says, uh, he's got a good weekend planned. So he walks up to Lady Bianca and says, hello, miss. I'd like six condoms, please. She says to him with a frustrated tone, don't miss me. He says, okay, I'll have seven.
34:00 Speaker 03 That's funny. That's funny. I like that.
34:02 Speaker 02 There you go.
34:02 Speaker 04 I don't get that.
34:04 Speaker 03 Don't miss me. As in, don't miss.
34:06 Speaker 02 Forget about me. Go on then, I'll have seven.
34:08 Speaker 04 But why did she say that?
34:09 Speaker 02 Because he went, hello, miss. And don't miss me.
34:12 Speaker 04 Don't miss me.
34:14 Speaker 02 Let's do it.
34:15 Speaker 03 Sorry, thanks.
34:16 Speaker 02 I will William in Titanic.
34:19 Speaker 03 You've gone peak Wendy.
34:20 Speaker 02 I'm so proud. I'm so proud.
34:23 Speaker 03 Thank you, darling.
34:24 Speaker 02 Oh, have you told your mum and dad?
34:25 Speaker 03 Yes, discussions as to whether I will allow them to come and watch this show.
34:29 Speaker 02 Surely, surely.
34:31 Speaker 03 I don't know.
34:31 Speaker 02 They know.
34:32 Speaker 03 With sexist, isn't it?
34:33 Speaker 02 They've never been to one of our live shows.
34:35 Speaker 03 No.
34:35 Speaker 02 My parents have.
34:36 Speaker 03 Yeah, but, you know, we're the South Bank show for your parents.
34:44 Speaker 02 Oh, he's the bitch. Oh, he's the bitch. Oh, I'll take Wendy. Oh, she's coming to stay in winter, in summer.
34:49 Speaker 03 Great.
34:49 Speaker 02 Oh, Wendy will come.
34:51 Speaker 03 Great.
34:52 Speaker 02 There we go.
34:52 Speaker 03 Anytime before the 19th of July.
34:53 Speaker 02 Although I might take her to see Tina.
34:56 Speaker 03 Well, good luck.
34:57 Speaker 02 Why?
34:58 Speaker 03 It's not on.
34:58 Speaker 02 Oh, is it not?
35:00 Speaker 03 I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it. Come and see our show.
35:03 Speaker 02 Okay, yeah, no, I'll, I'll, I'll give you a proper review when I see yourself, because I've never seen it.
35:08 Speaker 03 Oh, good.
35:08 Speaker 02 Because there's no better than Tina.
35:10 Speaker 03 On the basis that you're the height of culture for Jordan is blood brothers. We can all buckle up for that.
35:16 Speaker 02 Right, now it's time for our questions, Diamas. Remember, if you need our help with something, get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected] . You can DM us, we're at Sex and My Boss on the socials, or you can write to William. I'm choking on your pride there.
35:31 Speaker 02 In the fullness.
35:32 Speaker 03 Makes a change.
35:34 Speaker 02 Not the first time. In the fullness of time, promise a handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting cards of executive sales. See them loads. They're dressed on the website, Sex and My Boss dot com.
35:42 Speaker 03 Our first element is from Sonia. Hey, William and Jordan, greetings from Sydney, Australia. Over here, I work at the bar of a popular theatre. William should come down under and catch a show sometime. Sadly, there's no Mary Poppins on the schedule this year, but maybe you'd enjoy six instead. Anyway, on to my etiquette question. Our theatre bar is fairly fancy. We make cocktails and mocktails and we offer an extensive range of wines, beers and spirits. Sometimes, though, we run out of an item or simply don't stock a very specific drink a patron asks for. For example, a gin and a bonnet. Kidding, I've never been requested for a G and D. I've noticed that some bartenders will say things like, sorry, I don't have that, or I can't make that for you. But that wording always gives me the ick a bit because I almost sounds like as though they personally own the. Bar or are individually responsible for the stock and drinks list.
36:26 Speaker 03 I naturally tend to say we instead. For example, sorry, we don't have that in stock because it feels more accurate when you're speaking on behalf of the venue. Rather than as an individual. So my question is, in that situation, is I technically correct because the bartender can't make the drink? Or is we more appropriate because we're representing the company and its stock availability? Thanks, Sonia from Sydney. What a lovely question. Jordan, over to you.
36:49 Speaker 02 I'd always say we personally, but could you say they? They don't have it in stock?
36:53 Speaker 03 Well, no, not they, because then you're disassociating yourself with your.
36:56 Speaker 02 I'd personally say we, because if it's not your bar. Then, yeah.
37:00 Speaker 03 You know, I mean, in hospitality, generally, particularly in luxury hospitality, I don't know where your bar falls in on that spectrum, but you are in Australia. I would say that you'd never really want to say no to the customer. So I would suggest, uh, we don't have that available, but may I suggest a blah, blah, blah, which is similar. So you want to then give them another option.
37:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, or a blah, blah, blah, which is very refreshing for this type of year.
37:23 Speaker 03 Yes, exactly.
37:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:25 Speaker 03 And I probably would say we rather than I. So Sonia, I'm on your side on that one. The next dilemma is from anonymous, AKA Miss Peggy. Okay.
37:34 Speaker 02 Tell Kermit we said hello.
37:36 Speaker 03 No, Peggy.
37:37 Speaker 02 Oh, right.
37:37 Speaker 03 Good morning, team. I delved into the unknown and signed up to a dating site and I met a lovely chap whom I will call Mr. A for the purpose of this dilemma.
37:45 Speaker 02 Should have called him Mr. Frek- Frek.
37:47 Speaker 03 What?
37:48 Speaker 02 Mr. Toad.
37:50 Speaker 03 Right.
37:50 Speaker 02 Okay.
37:51 Speaker 03 We met a couple of times and all seemed well. He was a nice man, kind, with some seemingly good morals, a stable home and a job. Then it came to the bedroom stuff. One thing led to another and we engaged in sexual activities. This may be a little harsh, but it is anonymous, so I'll say it. I remember thinking, has he put it in yet?
38:08 Speaker 02 Oh, jeez.
38:08 Speaker 03 And no, I do not have a giant bucket. It's bouquet. I have actually been compromised many times. I haven't had kids and I exercise, so things are, let's just say, nice and tight. Thanks, Sonia. Next, he says, can I be honest, I've been dating women and men, and that he had a few local booty calls, all with men. He then went on to ask if I would peg him. At first, I was like, no, but I like to please, and I'm pretty open to trying anything once. So off he excitedly pops to douche. Things proceed, and next thing I'm thrusting this somewhat large purple device in and out of his anal passage. He clearly liked it, but did I? Not really. Anyway, it then developed into a routine thing. Almost every sexual encounter,
38:49 Speaker 03 I turned into Miss Peggy. To me, it was odd that he needed it so much and how much he enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I have been with men who love a cheeky little slippage of the finger up the bum to enhance things, but this seemed excessive. Anyway, it really wasn't my cup of tea, so I ended things, but I didn't really tell him that was why. So here is my question, was it harsh to end it for this reason? Thank you, love to Will, Jordan and all the team. You're a whole lot of joy and laughter, anonymous.
39:14 Speaker 02 Well, look, Miss Peggy, I think if that's not what you're into, and he clearly is, and I don't think that's harsh at all. The other week, with a girl who left a guy because he fell in a pothole, very harsh. Yeah. So potholes and pegging, you know, it's going to be the title of my book.
39:36 Speaker 02 There we go.
39:37 Speaker 03 Or combine the two, slippery when wet.
39:40 Speaker 02 I've just realised, that's going to be my book.
39:42 Speaker 03 Potholes and pecking.
39:46 Speaker 02 No, never.
39:47 Speaker 03 No.
39:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, anyway.
39:49 Speaker 04 Jet washing and...
39:51 Speaker 02 Jerking.
39:56 Speaker 04 Yeah.
39:57 Speaker 02 Sure.
39:59 Speaker 02 And I do like that.
40:06 Speaker 02 So no, I personally don't think. And if you, at least you give it a go, and it sounds like he was, it sounds like he, I'm not, tell me if I'm out of order here, it sounds like he might be gay.
40:16 Speaker 03 Or he might prefer one type of peanut butter more than the other.
40:20 Speaker 02 Bisexuals love me now because of that analogy. Honestly, I'm like, give me a famous philosopher.
40:28 Speaker 04 Freud.
40:29 Speaker 03 Freud was not a philosopher.
40:30 Speaker 02 Give me a famous philosopher.
40:32 Speaker 03 Plato.
40:33 Speaker 02 Plato? He was a dog.
40:35 Speaker 03 No, that's Pluto.
40:36 Speaker 02 Oh, right.
40:39 Speaker 02 Do you know what I'll do for next episode? I'll come up with three Jordan philosophies. Right?
40:44 Speaker 03 Okay.
40:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:46 Speaker 03 But wait.
40:47 Speaker 02 Okay, there you go.
40:49 Speaker 03 Lovely.
40:50 Speaker 02 Bisexuals and my peanut butter analogy. People have stopped me in straight, just said, Jordan, as the bisexual, why am I doing my mum's impression then?
40:59 Speaker 02 They've stopped me in straight, can I just say?
41:02 Speaker 03 Oh.
41:02 Speaker 02 Great, they haven't, but still.
41:04 Speaker 03 In your head, they have. But Miss Peggy, I would say it like, if it's not whatever you're doing sexually with somebody, whether it's pegging or not, if it's making you not feel uncomfortable, that's not maybe not how you're feeling. But if it is making you, it's not floating your boat, you can just say.
41:23 Speaker 04 It's because like sexuality is a spectrum, isn't it?
41:25 Speaker 03 It is.
41:25 Speaker 04 It is. Super smooth peanut butter, you could have really crunchy crunchy.
41:30 Speaker 03 Hmm.
41:31 Speaker 02 Don't come in on my peanut butter analogy.
41:33 Speaker 03 It all goes on. This is from Lauren.
41:35 Speaker 02 There's nothing wrong with it.
41:36 Speaker 03 Dear William, Jordan, et al., I'm in need of your help. I'm soon to be travelling from London, from the depths of Dorset, to visit Floris, oh yes, where I'll be creating my own bespoke fragrance. As part of the process, I need to think of a name for my fragrance. What is the etiquette on choosing a name? I'm aware that many of the good ones will already be taken, but how do I go about choosing a unique but classy name? I want it to be personal but not tacky. Many thanks in advance. Love listening to you every week. Kind regards, Lauren, in Dorset. So for those that don't know, Floris used to have a royal warrant from the late Queen. Don't know if it has one now from the King. I would need to look that up. But it's the perfumery shop on Jermyn Street, J E R M Y N. Just Pinefort and Mason. Very nice, very floral, hence florist sounding names.
42:20 Speaker 04 They do have a royal warrant.
42:22 Speaker 03 From the King?
42:22 Speaker 04 From the King.
42:23 Speaker 03 Okay, there we go.
42:24 Speaker 02 I.
42:24 Speaker 04 Twenty twenty three.
42:25 Speaker 02 I think the greatest name, Musk. I don't know, I actually.
42:29 Speaker 03 Not anymore.
42:29 Speaker 02 Not anymore after.
42:31 Speaker 03 Oderminge, don't forget that.
42:33 Speaker 02 Something classy.
42:34 Speaker 03 Or Lauren, could you look up, what does Lauren mean in Latin?
42:38 Speaker 02 Loren.
42:39 Speaker 03 Oh, well, yeah.
42:40 Speaker 02 Loren.
42:41 Speaker 03 Or then the village or farm in Dorset, perhaps you could call it that.
42:45 Speaker 02 What about Coco number four?
42:47 Speaker 03 Coco number four, yes.
42:49 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
42:49 Speaker 03 Chanel number five point one.
42:51 Speaker 04 Surely there's four if there is a five.
42:52 Speaker 02 Or Chanel number four.
42:54 Speaker 03 Oh no, that's.
42:55 Speaker 02 Chanel four might suit you for that. Yeah, you probably, you've probably come to the wrong place for that. But can I just do another little Jordy rant?
43:02 Speaker 03 Okay.
43:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:02 Speaker 03 A Jordy rant?
43:03 Speaker 02 I just another little Jordy rant.
43:05 Speaker 03 Okay.
43:05 Speaker 02 And I was guilty of this myself, mainly the lads are guilty of this. You don't need to put loads of aftershave on. There's too many strong smelling people at the moment, especially with this little bobo that everyone's wearing.
43:16 Speaker 03 Lalabo?
43:16 Speaker 02 Lalabo and all knockoff ones. Well, everyone stinks of Santell in London. You know, it's called Santell and you get the knockoff ones, which is fine because it's cheaper.
43:25 Speaker 03 Is that from the same guy that surprised the olive trees?
43:27 Speaker 02 Couple of ch ch. I see him again on me run on Saturday.
43:30 Speaker 03 Well, I'm having great trouble finding my own olive tree because I went to the garden centre and they said, and they looked at me as if I just asked for, you know, the bomb squad or something. And they said, we do not stock olive trees because they carry disease and they could infect all the other plants in the garden centre. I was like, oh, okay. I didn't know. And then he took me all around the garden centre, showing me other things that I could get instead of an olive tree. I'm like, no, I want an olive tree because I've already told you it's joining an existing row of olive trees. I need an olive tree.
43:55 Speaker 02 Excuse me, just going to give you a life correction?
43:57 Speaker 03 Yes.
43:57 Speaker 02 You just said like five minutes ago, when you're behind a bar, suggest other things. Why can't you do it in a garden shop?
44:03 Speaker 03 Well, because I wanted an olive tree.
44:05 Speaker 02 Right, well, I'm just saying. Yeah, we don't know a good fragrance name, but just be careful on the olf. Just a little spritz.
44:10 Speaker 03 Less is more.
44:11 Speaker 02 Don't rub, you never rub your wrists together when you put your spring on. My mum worked in boots for Christmas.
44:16 Speaker 03 When she wasn't on the bus.
44:18 Speaker 02 She always tells me this, that you can't rub because you separate the alcohol from the, from the spray. So just, everyone goes like this.
44:27 Speaker 03 Spritz your wrists, but don't rub them together.
44:28 Speaker 02 Don't rub your wrists together. And don't, don't wrench your teeth after you've brushed them.
44:33 Speaker 03 No, because it washes out the fluoride. Yeah, which you won't.
44:36 Speaker 02 Which is, feels weird at first, but once you get into it, there you go. Right, next one, Steve.
44:39 Speaker 03 Final dilemma is from Steve. We had a German friend visiting whose English is very good, sehr gut, although sometimes a little too literal. We decided to treat them to some traditional English food, a beef and ale pie with gravy.
44:52 Speaker 02 Ah, das ist gut, ja. Na, wasch dann doch Technik.
44:55 Speaker 03 I'm sure this menu choice appeals more to Jordan than William, but as staunch Midlanders, we did our best to deliver the best for our foreign guests, stopping short of peas and faggots. On tasting the pie, he commented.
45:07 Speaker 02 What's faggots?
45:09 Speaker 03 Uh, it's like, it's part of a, yeah. On tasting the pie, he commented that he very much liked the beef cake.
45:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, he likes the beef cake, yeah.
45:16 Speaker 03 I explained it was not a cake but a pie. This was followed by a very confusing conversation in which I tried to explain that it was a pie, not a cake, as it was savoury. When he replied that apple pie isn't savoury either, I had to concede to the vagaries of the English language. Perhaps a future etiquette terminology of the week. What is a pie and what is a cake? He then asked me for more of the meat sauce, gravy, as he thought it went very well with the beef cake. I explained that beef and ale pie with gravy is a traditional English dish. But if he goes around saying he enjoys meat sauce on beef cake, it has an entirely different meaning. So what is the etiquette when a guest asks for more meat sauce on their beef cake? Well, I've always obliged.
45:56 Speaker 02 I mean, it's, it's the Germans, isn't it? Just leave them to it.
45:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:00 Speaker 02 They're lovely, but they're just, you know, they're not robbing our sombets. You know, they, they, they're mixing up our language, so just never get into an argument with a German. It's not worth it.
46:11 Speaker 03 No.
46:11 Speaker 02 No.
46:12 Speaker 05 That reminds me.
46:13 Speaker 02 I've seen some recently, I'm gonna do a little, some I've seen recently.
46:15 Speaker 03 Is it another Geordie rant?
46:17 Speaker 02 No, no, no, it's about the language and stuff.
46:20 Speaker 03 I thought a Geordie rant was when you get Vicky Patterson on one, but no, apparently.
46:26 Speaker 02 So is this a cynic article?
46:29 Speaker 02 Do you want the music with it or not?
46:30 Speaker 03 No, not really.
46:31 Speaker 02 It's a, why is English so hard to learn? And then it's like all these different sentences, so. The bandage was wound around the wound, but wounds both spelt the same. The farm was cultivated to produce produce, both spelt the same. You've got to read it, it doesn't make sense. The dump was so full that the workers had to refuse more refuge, refuse.
46:52 Speaker 03 Refuge.
46:53 Speaker 02 We must, we must polish the Polish furniture shown at the store.
46:57 Speaker 03 Mm hmm.
46:58 Speaker 02 Yeah. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
47:03 Speaker 03 Lead.
47:04 Speaker 02 Lead. The soldier decided to desert his tasty dessert in the desert.
47:09 Speaker 03 Mm hmm.
47:10 Speaker 02 Since there's no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present to his girlfriend. See? A bass was painted on the head of the bass bass drum, a bass. Not the bad nog doing this.
47:25 Speaker 03 Well, you are, you are.
47:26 Speaker 02 They're called, they're called heteron, heteron, this way, you don't understand them, they're called heteronomes. Heteronomes.
47:31 Speaker 03 Heteronomes.
47:32 Speaker 02 Heteronomes. These are brilliant, uh, homonyms or homographs or words like spelling, but with more than one meaning and sound when pronounced differently, they are known as heteronomes. They were too close to the door to close it. The book does funny things when the does female or present.
47:51 Speaker 03 Well, it's, it's.
47:52 Speaker 02 A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. Oh, a seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. Yeah.
48:00 Speaker 03 Lovely.
48:00 Speaker 02 This is my favourite one.
48:01 Speaker 03 Okay. Oh.
48:02 Speaker 02 I'll leave this one, I'll leave this one with you.
48:04 Speaker 03 Hmm.
48:05 Speaker 02 Upon seeing the tear in her painting, she shed a tear.
48:13 Speaker 03 Sitting here with Suzy Dent.
48:15 Speaker 02 I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
48:18 Speaker 03 Good. End. End.
48:21 Speaker 02 How can I?
48:21 Speaker 03 Put the phone down.
48:22 Speaker 02 How can I intimate, intimate this to my most intimate friend?
48:27 Speaker 03 Lovely. Well, that's English. I mean, English is hard to, to learn, but Cantonese is harder.
48:31 Speaker 02 I bet. I'm Russian.
48:32 Speaker 03 Yeah. Anything that doesn't have an alphabet, basically. Arabic, you've got to do it right to left.
48:36 Speaker 02 Oh dear.
48:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:37 Speaker 02 Russian. I've been always Nikabolakov.
48:44 Speaker 03 That's terrible.
48:46 Speaker 02 Ah.
48:47 Speaker 03 That's terrible.
48:47 Speaker 02 What do you call a Russian with one ball?
48:49 Speaker 03 Nikabolakov.
48:50 Speaker 02 Nikabolakov. Oh no, it's three balls. I've told it wrong. All right. Anyway, thank you for your questions, Dan. Remember you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. All you've got to do is head to YouTube and search for Sexted.
49:08 Speaker 03 And we'll see you on Friday for our special luxury podcast collab.
49:12 Speaker 02 Guten tag.
49:14 Speaker 03 Yeah. Um, avita sen.
49:16 Speaker 02 Avita sen.
49:17 Speaker 03 Pet.
49:17 Speaker 02 Pet.
49:26 Speaker 07 It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween!
49:34 Speaker 07 And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches.
49:47 Speaker 07 We've got a spooky hotline caller. An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert. And your tarot card dilemmas. Listen to our Halloween specials, search for The Girl's Bathroom.
Previous Jordan’s 2AM Cringe | And Is Wrestling Gay? Next Help I Sexted The Luxury Podcast Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated