Handsome's Greatest Hits!

Today's episode is a special treat... the BEST of Handsome! From Joe the Button Maker to space tampons to the Bear Saga to sticking a pineapple apart, Handsome's Greatest Hits is sure to delight both new and longtime listeners! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:05Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium professional website.

• 0:23Fortune Feimster?

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• 0:55Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/Handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANDSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

• 1:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:36Speaker 03

  Hi, handsome listeners. My name's Thomas and I produce Handsome. So, for the holidays, Tig, Fortune, and May wanted to cook up a little handsome surprise for you all. This is Handsome's Greatest Hits, Volume One.

• 1:58Fortune Feimster?

  Cheers.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  Today's first clip is from our Sarah Paulson episode. The hosts were talking about comedians and whether they're in general more dark and disturbed than the average person. And that led to conversation about button makers and, well, you can probably guess the rest, but just listen.

• 2:18Fortune Feimster?

  It kind of reminds me of when people like to say that, you know, when you say, oh, I'm a comedian and they say, oh, gosh, that's such a dark world and everybody, everybody's so depressed and, and it, and I just feel like comedians are at a microphone and can enter are on a stage. So you're hearing about it, but if you go next door, your neighbor is probably dark or depressed or your mail carrier. It's just that musicians, comedians, you have a platform.

• 2:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah. I bet there's like tortured button makers, you know? Famously.

• 2:56Fortune Feimster?

  For sure.

• 2:57Mae Martin?

  Button makers.

• 2:57Fortune Feimster?

  Famously, yes. Lots of tortured button makers.

• 3:01Mae Martin?

  They're drinking.

• 3:02Fortune Feimster?

  Have you ever heard of Joe?

• 3:03Mae Martin?

  Joe the Button Maker?

• 3:04Fortune Feimster?

  Hi, my name is Joe. I have a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory. One day, my wife came in, she said, Joe, are you busy? I said, no. Guys.

• 3:21Fortune Feimster?

  Nobody's heard that.

• 3:22Mae Martin?

  I've rarely.

• 3:23Fortune Feimster?

  What are you talking about?

• 3:24Mae Martin?

  I've rarely been speechless in that way. I feel like taking over both.

• 3:28Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a song for kids. And he works in a button factory. But what kid would love that terrible song? No, but then, guys, stay with me.

• 3:39Mae Martin?

  What happens to Joe?

• 3:40Fortune Feimster?

  Hi, I'm busy. And, oh, you know, and then she said, turn the button with your left hand. So you start doing this. Okay, the kids are, for those of you can't see, I'm turning the button. So then you start over, you go, hi, my name is Joe. I have a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory. One day, my wife came in, she said, Joe. Is this the first song ever written for children? You said, turn the button with your right hand. Now you're doing this. See, the kids are moving their hands. So what? Why are the, why is his life story so kind of suburban?

• 4:18Mae Martin?

  Cause it rhymes.

• 4:18Tig Notaro?

  And boring. I mean, it's just like, hey, my name is Joe.

• 4:23Fortune Feimster?

  I'm telling you.

• 4:23Tig Notaro?

  I have a family.

• 4:24Fortune Feimster?

  Sing that.

• 4:24Tig Notaro?

  I'm going to work.

• 4:25Fortune Feimster?

  I'm telling you, sing this song with a five year old and see if they like it. You move all, you're turning your buttons with all your limbs. So the kids are like doing all these movements.

• 4:37Mae Martin?

  I feel like the bar is higher now.

• 4:39Tig Notaro?

  Why not the hokey pokey?

• 4:40Fortune Feimster?

  Why do we have to limit ourselves to one?

• 4:43Tig Notaro?

  Joe, the button pusher or button maker?

• 4:46Fortune Feimster?

  He works in a button factory, you guys, and he, you said there's probably dark button maker.

• 4:53Mae Martin?

  No, I know how we got there, but I'm shocked that this is, I've never heard of it. And it sounds like in the olden days where they hadn't invented toys yet and they gave people like a stick to play with. It's like that, it's like they hadn't invented songs yet and they went, I guess this is a song.

• 5:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, they hadn't invented a children's song and then somebody that had terrible ideas, a terrible voice.

• 5:12Fortune Feimster?

  He's probably called Joe. I don't think, I don't think you two are the target audience. Okay. I think, I think my five year old friends that love songs that rhyme are fans of Joe and his button factory.

• 5:26Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Well, it's also on the same album as I'm Betsy and I walk down the street. I put on my shoes and I waved to people.

• 5:37Fortune Feimster?

  This sounds like you made that up.

• 5:38Tig Notaro?

  And I have a hand and I can wave to people on the street.

• 5:43Fortune Feimster?

  I haven't heard one rhyme.

• 5:45Tig Notaro?

  Betsy with her hands waving at us. She has shoes on. Betsy.

• 5:51Fortune Feimster?

  Tig, not one rhyme.

• 5:53Mae Martin?

  Wait, I don't.

• 5:53Fortune Feimster?

  Every five year old right now is like, the song needs, you know what the song needs? More rhyming.

• 5:58Mae Martin?

  But there's no rhymes in the Joe one.

• 6:00Fortune Feimster?

  Hi, my name is Joe. I have a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory. Hold on.

• 6:06Mae Martin?

  That doesn't rhyme.

• 6:06Fortune Feimster?

  One day I came and she's a joke. Are you busy? Here we go. I said, no. Come on.

• 6:13Mae Martin?

  Oh my God. So Joe and no, that's the only rhyme?

• 6:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh no, Joe is what the song should, but I'm Betsy.

• 6:22Fortune Feimster?

  There's only one rhyme.

• 6:24Tig Notaro?

  And I'm.

• 6:24Fortune Feimster?

  But there's a lot here.

• 6:28Tig Notaro?

  There's one rhyme. There is nothing there.

• 6:32Mae Martin?

  I was more into Betsy's story. She at least had a little pep.

• 6:36Tig Notaro?

  May, take it.

• 6:37Fortune Feimster?

  You know what? Betsy's a real bitch.

• 6:39Mae Martin?

  Hi. My name is Betsy.

• 6:40Tig Notaro?

  You write a song. No, you write a new song, May.

• 6:43Mae Martin?

  Okay, here we go. Hi, my name is Jessica and I walk to school, but on the way I saw a bus. It was a yellow bus.

• 6:53Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 6:54Mae Martin?

  And on the bus was my old teacher, who I hadn't seen since I was a little toddler.

• 7:02Tig Notaro?

  Hit song. Hit song.

• 7:05Mae Martin?

  You know what I take from this? I could have done a lot better. I'm gonna sleep.

• 7:08Tig Notaro?

  No, there's no way to top what you did, May.

• 7:11Fortune Feimster?

  Do you know what I take from this experience?

• 7:13Tig Notaro?

  Nothing, because there was nothing happening. There was no, there was no song. There was no rhyme.

• 7:19Fortune Feimster?

  That my song has inspired you guys to write other songs.

• 7:24Tig Notaro?

  That is a positive twist.

• 7:25Fortune Feimster?

  And it would be called An Inspiration.

• 7:27Tig Notaro?

  Hi, my name is Betsy and I have hands and I wave at people. Look, it's Joe, the guy that has buttons.

• 7:36Fortune Feimster?

  I need to Google to make sure he does work in a button factory.

• 7:39Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. If he doesn't.

• 7:43Tig Notaro?

  Where else?

• 7:45Mae Martin?

  If it's a bucket factory, we're.

• 7:48Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no, it is button factory. Oh, thank God. I will clarify one part of the song.

• 7:52Tig Notaro?

  Please, then it'll all make sense.

• 7:55Fortune Feimster?

  This part always threw me. I was like, why is Joe's wife coming in to the button factory? It turns out it's his boss, not his wife.

• 8:06Fortune Feimster?

  So it goes, you guys want it one more time?

• 8:08Tig Notaro?

  We don't need to hear this. We don't need to hear this again.

• 8:11Fortune Feimster?

  And I work in a button factory. Oh, wait, I didn't, I got it out of order. Let me do it the right way.

• 8:16Tig Notaro?

  That's why it didn't sound familiar.

• 8:17Fortune Feimster?

  My name, my name is Joe and I work in a button factory. And one day, my boss came up to me. He says, Joe. I said, oh, wait, this person rewrote it. Never mind.

• 8:29Mae Martin?

  This also doesn't rhyme either.

• 8:31Fortune Feimster?

  I think, I think people are making their own versions.

• 8:34Tig Notaro?

  Turning this off and leaving the show.

• 8:36Fortune Feimster?

  This person says, I've got a wife and a dog and a family.

• 8:41Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. I got a wife and a dog and a family.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  Now we go from Joe to our Jack Whitehall episode where we got a delightful May fact about a certain astronaut in space.

• 8:52Mae Martin?

  I really romanticized like early space travel where it was so dangerous, but we were just being intrepid and there's this female astronaut. This is boring.

• 9:02Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes.

• 9:06Mae Martin?

  I have like one more anecdote to tell of related to space and I'm just like, I just did the Joe Kittenger thing. Maybe I need to just give it a rest.

• 9:14Fortune Feimster?

  This was your jam. I love it.

• 9:16Mae Martin?

  There was a, the first female astronaut, Sally Ride.

• 9:18Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 9:19Mae Martin?

  I guess, Ride Sally Ride.

• 9:21Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I don't know if those are, I don't know. I don't think those have anything to

• 9:26Mae Martin?

  There's no way to know.

• 9:28Fortune Feimster?

  That's not the chick from the Challenger, is it?

• 9:30Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 9:31Fortune Feimster?

  That was Krista McCullough or something like that.

• 9:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:35Fortune Feimster?

  That made me never want to go to space.

• 9:36Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's so fucked up. But yeah, but so Sally Ride, they were like, I don't know if we can let a woman go to space. It's, I don't know. And she was like, trust me, we can, I'm gonna do it. And then they said to her, okay, are you gonna have your period while you're in space? Cause we're really worried about that. And she said, no, I'm not. I know my schedule and I'm not.

• 9:56Fortune Feimster?

  She had a, an app on her flip phone.

• 9:59Mae Martin?

  But she was like, a hundred percent, I can guarantee I'm, I'm not gonna get my period while I'm up there. And they were like,

• 10:04Fortune Feimster?

  Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

• 10:07Mae Martin?

  No, it's worse than that. They go,

• 10:08Fortune Feimster?

  Oh no. Diarrhea?

• 10:12Mae Martin?

  They go, what if you do? She's like, I'm not going to. And then they go, well, we, we want to send you up with some tampons. She was going up for like three days and they went, would a hundred tampons be enough?

• 10:23Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa.

• 10:23Mae Martin?

  This was like, the male astronauts just had no idea.

• 10:27Fortune Feimster?

  And they said, by the way, we're also going to be voting on what we think is best for your body.

• 10:33Mae Martin?

  Yes, exactly. And so they ended up sending her up with a hundred tampons, even though there was barely any room on this spaceship.

• 10:40Fortune Feimster?

  She's like, I gotta plug my cooter.

• 10:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 10:42Fortune Feimster?

  Forty times, thirty times a day.

• 10:46Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 10:50Tig Notaro?

  Also, did these men not have mothers or wives or girlfriends?

• 10:56Fortune Feimster?

  They're not asking about their tampons.

• 10:59Tig Notaro?

  But I mean, you would see a woman come into the house from Costco.

• 11:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah, lugging the box after.

• 11:07Tig Notaro?

  With like a huge truck backing up to the house.

• 11:11Fortune Feimster?

  And these guys are like, I'm assuming that's for two days.

• 11:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, that's wild.

• 11:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:22Tig Notaro?

  You see that tampon truck just going around all neighborhoods, backing up to people's houses.

• 11:29Fortune Feimster?

  I need 100 more tampons.

• 11:32Tig Notaro?

  Wait, is that a woman's voice? Fortune?

• 11:35Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 11:38Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, I know I don't look like a woman, but I still need tampons. I got a cooter.

• 11:46Tig Notaro?

  And the truck passes your house by?

• 11:52Mae Martin?

  My favorite thing is when I go to buy tampons and the person at the store thinks that I'm buying them for my girlfriend. And I'm a boy and they go, hey, you're a good boyfriend doing this. And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

• 12:04Fortune Feimster?

  Well, anyone that comments on that purchase, that is so weird. Like, why are you commenting on this? Like, let me just get my pons.

• 12:16Tig Notaro?

  A tampon.

• 12:18Fortune Feimster?

  Let me get my pons and be out. Yeah. Plug that cooter right on up.

• 12:24Tig Notaro?

  Fortune!

• 12:26Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, stop in my house. I'm bleeding. Hey, I need you. It's that time of the month. Like a, like a milkman, but a tampon man.

• 12:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah, door's open. Door's open. Just bring them right in. I'm on the toilet.

• 12:42Tig Notaro?

  The ice cream man.

• 12:44Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, I'm going to space. Give me 200.

• 12:47Tig Notaro?

  You're going to space?

• 12:49Fortune Feimster?

  Up, up and away is beautiful balloon.

• 12:55Tig Notaro?

  That was a little late for the balloon reference, by the way.

• 12:59Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I'm going to space in a balloon. I was right on time.

• 13:02Tig Notaro?

  Crammed full of tampons. You got them in your ears, your nostrils.

• 13:08Fortune Feimster?

  I got a jug of water, a Red Bull, and 100 tampons. We're going to space, baby.

• 13:18Fortune Feimster?

  You're flying now from space. Or you're sponsored by Play- what is it? Playtex?

• 13:25Mae Martin?

  What? Playtex?

• 13:27Tig Notaro?

  We don't even know the name.

• 13:29Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, Kotex? What's the fucking name?

• 13:33Mae Martin?

  Wait.

• 13:33Fortune Feimster?

  Playtex isn't right. What is?

• 13:36Mae Martin?

  Wait, why can't I think of a single tampon brand and I've been using them my whole life?

• 13:41Fortune Feimster?

  Why can't we?

• 13:42Tig Notaro?

  Playtex.

• 13:43Fortune Feimster?

  What are the brands?

• 13:43Tig Notaro?

  It might be.

• 13:44Mae Martin?

  It might be Playtex.

• 13:45Fortune Feimster?

  Is it?

• 13:46Tig Notaro?

  Is there Playtex and Kotex?

• 13:48Fortune Feimster?

  I gotta, oh wait, is it Playtex and Kotex? Hold on.

• 13:52Tig Notaro?

  I just said that.

• 13:54Fortune Feimster?

  I know, but no, Playtex is right. I was right.

• 13:58Tig Notaro?

  Okay, is there Kotex? Is that like the knockoff brand?

• 14:02Mae Martin?

  Thomas is nodding.

• 14:04Fortune Feimster?

  Why is everything a Kotex?

• 14:05Tig Notaro?

  We should, we should start our own.

• 14:07Fortune Feimster?

  Kotex with a K.

• 14:09Tig Notaro?

  We should start our own Hamtex.

• 14:11Mae Martin?

  Yes, handsome tampons. I'm.

• 14:15Fortune Feimster?

  Plug her up.

• 14:16Mae Martin?

  Plug her up.

• 14:17Fortune Feimster?

  Gents. Plug them up. Oh my God. We just did it. We knew brands, but didn't know brands.

• 14:26Mae Martin?

  That is crazy that I've been buying them my whole life and I couldn't think of a brand name.

• 14:31Fortune Feimster?

  I said Playtex and we were all like, that can't be right.

• 14:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah, OB.

• 14:36Tig Notaro?

  OB?

• 14:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:37Tig Notaro?

  Where you get in there?

• 14:40Fortune Feimster?

  We went from aliens to naming tampon brands.

• 14:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God.

• 14:48Fortune Feimster?

  If this is not the greatest podcast on earth, then I don't know what is.

• 14:55Tig Notaro?

  In space.

• 14:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:57Tig Notaro?

  Oh my Lord.

• 14:59Mae Martin?

  Is there such a thing as a, like a tampon for your bum, like a bumpon?

• 15:04Fortune Feimster?

  Why do we need one?

• 15:05Mae Martin?

  I don't know if.

• 15:06Fortune Feimster?

  Is your butt like?

• 15:07Mae Martin?

  I don't know. I don't know.

• 15:09Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune.

• 15:11Tig Notaro?

  Why do we need to plug our bell?

• 15:12Mae Martin?

  I don't know. I don't know.

• 15:15Tig Notaro?

  Cork it. Oh, my God.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  All right. While we're in space, who could forget Fortune's disclosure that she dressed up like a certain alien life form? This is all the way back from our Jamie Lee Curtis 2023 Halloween episode.

• 15:31Mae Martin?

  I remember getting dressed to go to the party and it was all about Miss Gero, but I didn't, in my head, but I didn't realize why, but I dressed like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. And I was maybe 12 or 13 and everyone else in my class was like a sexy spider. Like, it was that age where people start trying to have hot Halloween costumes. And I wore like an open shirt and a white kind of suit, John Travolta. And I remember being like, hey, Miss Gero, what's up?

• 15:59Tig Notaro?

  May, this is insane. I dressed as John Travolta.

• 16:04Mae Martin?

  Shut up.

• 16:05Fortune Feimster?

  You guys have a lot in common.

• 16:06Tig Notaro?

  I know. Well, Fortune, you and I were also debutantes, so.

• 16:13Mae Martin?

  That's true.

• 16:13Tig Notaro?

  But, yeah, I, my friends, I was really close with these twins, Suzie and Ally.

• 16:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 16:19Tig Notaro?

  And, you know, oftentimes when you're twins, you're very popular.

• 16:23Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 16:23Tig Notaro?

  I know, because I have twins. But I was at Suzie and Ally's, I think it was their Halloween party. And I dressed as John Travolta. Maybe it was their birthday party and it was just a costume dress up birthday. I don't know what was happening. It was elementary school.

• 16:40Mae Martin?

  Or you just decided, I'm going.

• 16:42Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, it was Grease. Grease was the theme.

• 16:45Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 16:46Tig Notaro?

  And all of the girls dressed in poodle skirts.

• 16:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 16:50Tig Notaro?

  And all of that and like were, you know, whatever the characters were in Grease. And then I showed up as John Travolta.

• 16:58Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 16:58Tig Notaro?

  And I think I was in like, maybe first grade?

• 17:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, little, little. And were you wearing like, what does he wear? Black t-shirt?

• 17:08Tig Notaro?

  Jeans, you know, I had a white t-shirt, leather jacket, tennis shoes. And then my hair was slicked back. And you know, that's that thing where it's like, that's so awesome that my mother thought I looked so cool.

• 17:21Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 17:21Tig Notaro?

  And takes me to this party, drops me off, and guess what I didn't account for?

• 17:26Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 17:26Tig Notaro?

  All of the girls wanted to dance with me.

• 17:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 17:30Tig Notaro?

  And wanted to, were kissing me on my cheek. And I was like, whoa, this was not in the plan. I was just, I was just here to look cool.

• 17:41Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, you must have been really-

• 17:42Tig Notaro?

  My motorcycle is out, outside, and I'm gonna hop on it and blaze if you cats don't step back, ladies.

• 17:50Fortune Feimster?

  You were very convincing as Travolta.

• 17:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, they went nuts.

• 17:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah, for a lot of queer kids, Halloween's a chance to have that like, gender euphoria almost. You get to dress up like, yeah, how you feel inside and you're-

• 18:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Then why did I go dress as Alf?

• 18:12Fortune Feimster?

  I'm like, wait a second, we did?

• 18:21Fortune Feimster?

  You're that big old man.

• 18:25Fortune Feimster?

  You're that big no one.

• 18:26Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 18:28Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you don't have to describe it. We saw it immediately.

• 18:33Mae Martin?

  Where did you get the costumed or did you build it?

• 18:37Fortune Feimster?

  I think it was like Spencer's, remember?

• 18:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:40Fortune Feimster?

  Do you know Spencer's Gifts? It's like, it was a big shop at the mall back in the day that had like-

• 18:46Tig Notaro?

  And you were drawn to Alf?

• 18:49Fortune Feimster?

  I, it was a very popular sitcom at the time.

• 18:54Tig Notaro?

  How old were you?

• 18:55Fortune Feimster?

  I think I was like 12.

• 18:58Fortune Feimster?

  12 or 13.

• 18:58Tig Notaro?

  So you were not interested in dating yet?

• 19:01Fortune Feimster?

  No, I was a late bloomer, let me tell you. I did not, I was so out to lunch when it came to all that stuff.

• 19:09Tig Notaro?

  That is the funniest thing I've ever heard or thought of.

• 19:16Fortune Feimster?

  It didn't even occur to me I could go as John Travolta.

• 19:21Mae Martin?

  You showing up.

• 19:22Tig Notaro?

  With your curly blonde hair.

• 19:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I just distinctly remember walking around in this giant Alf mask. And I think I had like brown, like brown shirt and pants on.

• 19:37Mae Martin?

  I can't either. And I love the idea that it's like John Travolta or Alf. Well, I guess I can't be John Travolta, so I better be Alf.

• 19:45Tig Notaro?

  Then why'd I go as Alf?

• 19:53Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house? My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 20:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 20:21Tig Notaro?

  The handsome Holly Bob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 20:43Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I use Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything. I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 21:12Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 21:28Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 21:48Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 22:13Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 22:33Speaker 03

  Let's keep it furry by delving into what is now a legendary part of the Handsome podcast. I'm talking, of course, about the bear saga. It all started back in September when May shared a story about their driver, another person named Joe.

• 22:46Mae Martin?

  I think I told you I have this driver who drives me to set. His name's Joe. He's a great-

• 22:51Tig Notaro?

  Congrats, May.

• 22:52Mae Martin?

  Thank you, thank you. Yeah, yeah.

• 22:54Tig Notaro?

  I have a driver named Jimmy.

• 22:55Mae Martin?

  Do you?

• 22:56Tig Notaro?

  Fortune. This is incredible.

• 22:58Fortune Feimster?

  Is it a Toronto thing?

• 23:00Mae Martin?

  Well, they're like a sign by production, right?

• 23:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 23:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and so-

• 23:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, but I don't have that in the States. Only in Toronto.

• 23:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah, maybe it's a Toronto-

• 23:07Tig Notaro?

  I don't know what my driver's name will be because I'm heading to Toronto and I have a driver.

• 23:13Fortune Feimster?

  Hopefully it starts with a J.

• 23:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Jafar. Anyway, the bear video, Joe basically-

• 23:23Mae Martin?

  First he was bringing me fresh eggs from his farm. Then he's like, I could bring you some moose meat and I'll cook it up in a tupperware.

• 23:29Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you told us about the moose meat. We're like, no, thank you.

• 23:32Mae Martin?

  I love this guy. And he, one night, it's like three in the morning, we're driving back from set and it's been silent for like an hour. And then he's like, so I have this video.

• 23:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no.

• 23:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And I'm like, what? And he goes, I have this video. It's pretty cool. It's, I filmed it 1993 on a camcorder. And it's in a, I was in a bar in Lake Elliott and I was with my friend, Gary Kozinski, I think. And, and, and basically he goes, my friend Gary wrestled a bear. And this bear is called Caesar the Wrestling Bear. And he's like, yeah, this wouldn't fly nowadays with animal rights and stuff. But he's like, I have this video of this trained bear who was maybe rescued as a cub and trained to wrestle. And in the video, he wrestles 12 men and he wrestles Gary Kozinski. And he's like, oh yeah, I'll bring it to show you. And I'm like, I don't know if I want to see it. I'm scared. I don't know. I can't unsee it once I've seen it, right?

• 24:26Fortune Feimster?

  And now you haven't been able to sleep?

• 24:28Mae Martin?

  Well, then, so then it's, he's like, I'm going to bring, I gotta bring a VCR down so we can watch it.

• 24:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. When do we get to the part where it's hard to sleep?

• 24:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah, well. He brings the VCR.

• 24:38Fortune Feimster?

  Outdated technology works.

• 24:40Mae Martin?

  And the VCR doesn't work. So I'm like, does the universe not want me to see this video? And basically it's grown in my mind like a weed, the bear video, the bear video. I'm like, what, am I meant to see it? Like, why am I, is it coming to my life? And, and he's edited it. He, he used to want to be a filmmaker. So he's done title cards and stuff, he said. And it's like, I'm picturing this grain, it's like a eight foot bear wrestling people. And, and you would win a grand if you could pin the bear down and nobody could. And this bear never mauled anyone, but it would just whack them with one paw and they'd go flying. And I'm picturing this amazing, and he's like, you gotta see it. Like it has to be seen to be believed.

• 25:18Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm, why don't we let men be in charge of things?

• 25:23Mae Martin?

  And like, I wrote a poem about it, about the-

• 25:25Tig Notaro?

  Oh, let's hear it.

• 25:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, seriously?

• 25:27Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 25:28Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 25:29Fortune Feimster?

  Roses are red-

• 25:30Tig Notaro?

  What else are we gonna do?

• 25:31Fortune Feimster?

  Violets are blue. I wrestled a bear and now I'm dead.

• 25:35Tig Notaro?

  How about you?

• 25:37Mae Martin?

  All right. I did, let me, I have it, okay.

• 25:40Tig Notaro?

  Roses are red, violets are blue, I wrestled a bear and now I can't snooze.

• 25:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no, that doesn't make sense because he's sleeping fine. It's me.

• 25:50Mae Martin?

  I just know that I'm finally gonna see it tomorrow.

• 25:54Tig Notaro?

  We need a workshop this point.

• 25:57Mae Martin?

  I like how you say poem.

• 25:58Fortune Feimster?

  Have you, poem, have you at least asked him if the bear was okay? Do we at least know that?

• 26:06Mae Martin?

  He said the bear's fine, like, no, you know, the bear is so much stronger than these men.

• 26:11Fortune Feimster?

  I think you're gonna be okay watching this.

• 26:13Tig Notaro?

  The bear is fine, living in Manhattan now.

• 26:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 26:16Tig Notaro?

  And-

• 26:16Mae Martin?

  Let's hear it.

• 26:16Tig Notaro?

  Wife and kids.

• 26:17Mae Martin?

  Poem. Okay, here's the poem.

• 26:19Tig Notaro?

  Poem.

• 26:20Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 26:21Tig Notaro?

  Poem.

• 26:21Fortune Feimster?

  Poem.

• 26:22Mae Martin?

  Cause it's really all I can think about. It's like, am I, am I meant to see this video? And, and yeah, once I've seen it, how, how will I be changed? And then I'm like, why does it mean so much to me, the bear video?

• 26:31Tig Notaro?

  And wait, I'm sorry, May, you announced that you wrote a poem about this and then you weren't planning on reading it? You're like, really? You wanna hear it?

• 26:41Fortune Feimster?

  It was just for yourself, yeah?

• 26:43Mae Martin?

  I read it to Joe and he was pretty freaked out.

• 26:46Tig Notaro?

  Joe the button maker?

• 26:47Fortune Feimster?

  So now you're equally-

• 26:48Tig Notaro?

  Oh, the driver.

• 26:48Fortune Feimster?

  Y'all now equally freaked each other out.

• 26:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, Joe's like, okay, it's just a cool video, but I was like, Joe, I wrote this poem.

• 26:56Fortune Feimster?

  If I were Joe, I would be like, I don't understand why you're losing-

• 27:00Mae Martin?

  But he's building the hype as well. He's like, you gotta see this vid. And he's like, it's, he says, you won't believe it. Whatever you're imagining, it's cooler. He keeps saying cool.

• 27:10Tig Notaro?

  Okay, let's hear the poem.

• 27:12Mae Martin?

  Okay. The neon sign promised a champion earth sign to take on any man who'd throw his hat into the ring. You thought you'd seen everything when you first laid eyes on Caesar the kept bear. He moved woozily across the boards. He barely fit through any doors.

• 27:27Tig Notaro?

  Barely.

• 27:28Mae Martin?

  Eh, one clock could make-

• 27:31Tig Notaro?

  What? What? May just disappeared. May just disappeared.

• 27:39Fortune Feimster?

  Mayday.

• 27:40Tig Notaro?

  Uh-oh. This is terrifying. No wonder May has been scared of this bear video.

• 27:48Fortune Feimster?

  Disappears.

• 27:50Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh.

• 27:51Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, oh, there's May. May, are you okay?

• 27:54Mae Martin?

  This is insane.

• 27:55Fortune Feimster?

  I know, we've been freaking out on this side.

• 27:58Mae Martin?

  I just started reading the poem and my whole computer crashed.

• 28:02Fortune Feimster?

  Your whole computer crashed. You disappeared. It looked like you got kidnapped by the CIA. I thought there was a bear attack.

• 28:12Mae Martin?

  I don't think the universe wants me to see this video.

• 28:15Fortune Feimster?

  It clearly didn't want us to hear the rest of your poem.

• 28:17Mae Martin?

  Well, how much did you hear? Where should I go from?

• 28:20Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, gosh.

• 28:21Tig Notaro?

  I heard barely.

• 28:22Fortune Feimster?

  Quite a ways in there.

• 28:23Mae Martin?

  Okay, okay.

• 28:24Tig Notaro?

  The last thing I heard was barely.

• 28:26Fortune Feimster?

  I know you started rhyming, which I appreciated, because that's what I associate with poems.

• 28:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, it rhymes. Yeah, yeah. It's got a weird rhythm to it. Okay, okay. Let's hope. If my computer closes again, I don't know what to do.

• 28:37Fortune Feimster?

  Then you're haunted.

• 28:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 28:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I would call the police. If your computer shuts down.

• 28:43Fortune Feimster?

  What do they call it, Canadian police? Mounties?

• 28:46Tig Notaro?

  A Mountie?

• 28:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, a Mountie.

• 28:48Fortune Feimster?

  You've never heard that?

• 28:50Mae Martin?

  The Royal Canadian.

• 28:51Tig Notaro?

  I don't need to be judged for admitting that I don't know something. Okay, I don't know. I don't know. I worked in Toronto for five years. I never had a run in with the Mountie.

• 29:01Fortune Feimster?

  Well, they're generally up in mountains. Those are horses?

• 29:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah, they're in, they wear special hats and red jackets and they ride horses.

• 29:09Tig Notaro?

  Well, I wasn't like, they're up in the mountains?

• 29:12Mae Martin?

  I think so.

• 29:13Fortune Feimster?

  You still should know the phrase Mountie.

• 29:16Tig Notaro?

  Why the hell would I know about police on horses and riding around in the mountain, you know, clomping around?

• 29:24Fortune Feimster?

  Because it's just part of the vernacular, Mounties. Anyway, two against one.

• 29:28Mae Martin?

  Okay, let me plow through the rest of this poem. Okay. He moved woosily across the boards. He barely fit through any doors. One clock could make you meet your maker if you dare. Someone has brought the bear to you, and though you know not what to do, the camera's running. Time is running out. It's clear. And do you crack a joke or try to, as you step up to the fight assigned you? Tell yourself you don't care if you win or lose. A thousand bucks if you can pin him down. You hear before you hit the ground. Spend more than that on beer this month alone. Now you'll always chase this feeling like the kept bear has finally seen me. Hey, man, aren't you a kept bear too? If it chooses you to witness, you'd be a fool to miss this. Hey, man, aren't you a kept bear too?

• 30:10Tig Notaro?

  That's good, May.

• 30:11Mae Martin?

  You like it?

• 30:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Do you write poems?

• 30:14Mae Martin?

  No.

• 30:14Tig Notaro?

  Typically?

• 30:15Mae Martin?

  Never.

• 30:16Fortune Feimster?

  I'd like to get into the bear of it all and what that means for you.

• 30:21Mae Martin?

  I felt compelled to write this poem, like.

• 30:24Tig Notaro?

  But why didn't you write a song? Why didn't you write a short story? Why were you like, I need words rhyme in here?

• 30:29Mae Martin?

  This is part of the great mystery.

• 30:31Fortune Feimster?

  But also, how long did it take to write you, to write that?

• 30:34Mae Martin?

  Write you that?

• 30:36Tig Notaro?

  How long it take you to write you that?

• 30:38Mae Martin?

  Write that, write that, their poem.

• 30:40Fortune Feimster?

  Cause that felt like a long and.

• 30:43Speaker 03

  Then in October, May shared a witch-related update to the bear saga. This was from our Nikki Glaser episode. Listen now.

• 30:51Mae Martin?

  I was really shocked by the response to the bear video discussion. Online, people were really invested in the bear video and the bear poem and poem. And I do, I do have sort of an update.

• 31:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I gave it to us.

• 31:10Mae Martin?

  I think I vaguely updated you that after viewing the video. Yeah, after viewing the video, my world imploded. And so I became obsessed with the fact that I've been cursed by the video. And that my dread was correct. All of the omens were correct. And now I've opened up.

• 31:27Tig Notaro?

  Wait, I'm sorry. What are you talking about?

• 31:29Mae Martin?

  Okay, so I don't know if you remember.

• 31:31Fortune Feimster?

  You remember the bear video, right?

• 31:32Tig Notaro?

  I do, I do. So you were watching it?

• 31:35Fortune Feimster?

  May was worried that, that there would be a curse that came with watching the bear video.

• 31:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and remember, I wrote the poem, the computer shut down.

• 31:44Tig Notaro?

  Poem.

• 31:45Mae Martin?

  The poem, poem. And then I eventually did watch the video, which I don't know if I, we have talked about that.

• 31:51Fortune Feimster?

  We did talk about it.

• 31:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then I've been feeling like something weird is going on since I knew. Maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but since the bear video, things are weird.

• 32:05Fortune Feimster?

  May's world imploded.

• 32:06Mae Martin?

  My world imploded. So my friend mentioned the bear video to a friend of hers, who is this Italian woman in her 50s, very spiritual woman. And she was like, okay. I'm gonna do a malocchio on you. Tig, you a Italian? You know what this is?

• 32:22Tig Notaro?

  Uh, a notaro.

• 32:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, a malocchio.

• 32:27Tig Notaro?

  A meatball.

• 32:28Fortune Feimster?

  Meatball malocchio.

• 32:30Tig Notaro?

  It's a spaghetti.

• 32:31Fortune Feimster?

  That's Polish.

• 32:32Mae Martin?

  This, like, uh, it's a curse to undo a curse. Like, she's gonna break the curse.

• 32:37Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you're gonna get double cursed.

• 32:38Mae Martin?

  No, no, no.

• 32:40Fortune Feimster?

  No, no, no.

• 32:41Tig Notaro?

  Do not say that, Fortune.

• 32:42Fortune Feimster?

  No, double curse, like, they cancel each other out.

• 32:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:46Fortune Feimster?

  Kind of curse.

• 32:47Mae Martin?

  And so, first she texts me.

• 32:49Tig Notaro?

  I've been triple, I've been quadruple cursed and nothing got canceled out.

• 32:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, Christ. Well, she did the spell yesterday and she was texting me, she's like, first of all, do you have an orange in the house? I was like, yeah. She's like, throw it out.

• 33:02Fortune Feimster?

  Throw it out.

• 33:02Mae Martin?

  Right away. I was like, okay. So I threw the orange out. She goes.

• 33:06Tig Notaro?

  Wait, you're on the phone with her?

• 33:08Fortune Feimster?

  I love that people like this can just say whatever.

• 33:10Tig Notaro?

  Exactly.

• 33:11Fortune Feimster?

  And you're like.

• 33:12Tig Notaro?

  What did she charge? What did she charge for you throwing an orange in a trash can?

• 33:16Fortune Feimster?

  First one's free, Tig.

• 33:18Mae Martin?

  It was free. First one's free. She was very invested in the story and she said it sounds very much like you've been cursed by the bear video.

• 33:26Fortune Feimster?

  By the bear video? Really?

• 33:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, man. By, by the bear video.

• 33:30Tig Notaro?

  I'm willing to watch this bear video.

• 33:33Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want anything to do with it.

• 33:35Mae Martin?

  Don't risk it, Tig.

• 33:35Tig Notaro?

  Hey, I've got oranges that I could just toss out like nobody's been, I don't, I'm not even into oranges. I don't even care.

• 33:43Fortune Feimster?

  Could you technically have turned that orange into orange juice or you just had to get rid of all of the?

• 33:48Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 33:49Mae Martin?

  Interesting. I think it had to be out of my vicinity.

• 33:53Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, so we toss the orange.

• 33:55Tig Notaro?

  Did you throw it out of a window?

• 33:56Mae Martin?

  No, I threw it right in the garbage, outside in the garbage bin.

• 33:59Fortune Feimster?

  Outside, okay. Got rid of the orange. What else do you have?

• 34:01Tig Notaro?

  And you had no questions. She's just like, oh my God, get the orange out of your house. You're like, absolutely.

• 34:06Mae Martin?

  Right away, yeah.

• 34:07Fortune Feimster?

  I'm amazed she felt cursed, so at this point, I'm willing to do whatever.

• 34:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Also, it's 9:26 and this was late last night, so I'm like, this is auspicious. This is interesting. And then, uh, she says, do you have some salt? And I'm like, yeah. She's like, put it in your pocket. I'm like, of course. So I put it in my pocket.

• 34:24Tig Notaro?

  What do you mean? Like, you put a salt shaker in your pocket or you put? Just a pinch of salt.

• 34:31Mae Martin?

  Pinch of salt in the pocket and it goes. And she says, okay, you're gonna feel something. I won't tell you when I'm doing the malocchio. She says, but you'll know.

• 34:41Fortune Feimster?

  You're gonna feel grains of salt in your nether regions.

• 34:44Tig Notaro?

  And did you have any moment that you thought that maybe on her end of the phone, she's like covering her mouth laughing and saying to the friends like they just threw the orange.

• 34:56Mae Martin?

  It's highly possible.

• 34:57Fortune Feimster?

  These Americans and Canadians, they'll do anything.

• 35:03Mae Martin?

  These are mainly through voice note we're communicating. She's like, fuck. And she's like, this guy Joe. She goes, you're telling me you're watching a video from a guy called Joe? She's like, no, you won't catch me watching a video from a guy called Joe. So I believe, like I'm, she has a commanding presence.

• 35:17Tig Notaro?

  Was this Joe from the button factory?

• 35:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Did you ask her about Joe from the button factory?

• 35:22Mae Martin?

  No, but I could. I mean, this was Joe's driver.

• 35:26Tig Notaro?

  Next voice memo.

• 35:28Mae Martin?

  Malocchio. So she gets a bowl and she puts olive oil and water in it. And she shows me a picture of it and it's chaos, like droplets of olive oil, willy nilly everywhere. And it looks crazy. She goes, she goes, this is bad.

• 35:44Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no.

• 35:45Mae Martin?

  She goes, this is really bad. She goes, normally I would use three matches. But this time she goes, it takes six matches.

• 35:51Fortune Feimster?

  Six matches. She's gonna burn her village down.

• 35:55Mae Martin?

  She's putting the six matches, I guess, in the water.

• 35:57Tig Notaro?

  And this is oil?

• 35:59Mae Martin?

  Olive oil in water with some salt.

• 36:01Fortune Feimster?

  Oil and water don't mix.

• 36:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I mean, you're not gonna get, you know, some smoothed out situation.

• 36:09Fortune Feimster?

  It's gonna be chaos if water's in oil. It's not gonna gel.

• 36:13Mae Martin?

  But after the six matches and the prayer.

• 36:15Fortune Feimster?

  Well, let's wait. So she, she does the matches.

• 36:19Tig Notaro?

  Puts in the bowl.

• 36:21Mae Martin?

  She said if I was there, she would throw the matches at me, but I wasn't there.

• 36:24Tig Notaro?

  And you're still on the phone.

• 36:26Fortune Feimster?

  May, this is a witch.

• 36:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I know. It's a witch. It's a good witch.

• 36:29Tig Notaro?

  I think this is somebody that is maybe pretending like she has some power.

• 36:38Fortune Feimster?

  How did you meet this person again? Is this a Craigslist?

• 36:42Mae Martin?

  Is this a friend of Craigslist? If I typed in, how do you help me close the bear portal?

• 36:48Fortune Feimster?

  It was a friend of a friend. I think I know who friend it is.

• 36:51Tig Notaro?

  Who?

• 36:52Fortune Feimster?

  Is this a thing?

• 36:54Mae Martin?

  No, no, no. It's my friend Carolyn, but yeah, cut it out. So she shows me the olive oil in the bowl after the six matches and the prayer. And the olive oil is neatly organized. It's almost become like this beautiful image. And she says, I can confirm there was a curse on you. It is now lifted. And she's like, it was bad. And I go, I know, I fucking know. I felt it. And she goes, have you been having headaches? I said, I have one today. And she said, it'll go, it'll be gone soon. Sure enough.

• 37:26Fortune Feimster?

  Usually how it works with headaches.

• 37:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, true.

• 37:30Fortune Feimster?

  I want to poke holes in her, her, you know, thing she's got going here, but usually.

• 37:37Tig Notaro?

  So like, if you're having a hard day, toss an orange out of the window. Put a little, a little pinch of salt in the pocket. Put some oil and water in a bowl. And then light it on fire?

• 37:49Mae Martin?

  I think so.

• 37:50Fortune Feimster?

  She's like, you're gonna, it's gonna go away. And you're like.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  Then in November, in our Molly Shannon episode, we got the final update to the bear saga. At least until the bear portal opens again.

• 38:08Mae Martin?

  Okay, this is, so this was, I was worried about painting the wrestling bear Caesar. And then I checked with Raf, that woman who did the Malocchio spell. If you're, if you're just listening to the pod for the first time.

• 38:21Tig Notaro?

  This is not anything new.

• 38:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, this is part of a saga.

• 38:25Tig Notaro?

  Bear journey.

• 38:26Mae Martin?

  This is, I think now the saga's ending. So this is my bear.

• 38:29Fortune Feimster?

  That's really good, May.

• 38:30Mae Martin?

  Thank you so much. He's wearing a Caesar crown because his name's.

• 38:34Fortune Feimster?

  Looks like a bear wolf.

• 38:37Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, I see that. Yeah, here's his face.

• 38:39Fortune Feimster?

  I would say it barely looks like a wolf. Beowulf. Beowulf.

• 38:45Mae Martin?

  Beowulf. That's really good.

• 38:49Mae Martin?

  Beowulf.

• 38:50Fortune Feimster?

  And so the painting is, it was part of the release to get it out.

• 38:55Mae Martin?

  You'll notice, like in the painting, the bear is like, like really releasing its rage, which is what the real wrestling bear never did. He was so docile and placid. And I feel like I got to release my inner bear rage. And so I painted it. I feel good. I might give the painting to Joe. That's what I think I might do.

• 39:12Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, that would be nice. Joe the Button Maker?

• 39:15Mae Martin?

  No.

• 39:15Fortune Feimster?

  Hi, my name is Joe. I've got a wife and three kids. And a family. And I work at a factory. And I push buttons. So you, you feel like you released some inner rage?

• 39:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's, the coincidences continue because my friend brought a bear painting over that she's had for 15 years. And we're looking at the painting. And then on the back, we see it says, for Jesse the Elder. And we're like, what? You can imagine this electrifies me. Then it's like, the artist has signed it, Mike Juno. And we're talking about this. And then my buddy Jason comes over, just my random buddy Jason, and he goes, Oh, I know Mike Juno. We go, What? He goes, Yeah, yeah. Because she goes, I bought it at a, at a yard sale 15 years ago. And Jason goes, Let me text Mike Juno. Text him, goes, Did you paint this bear? He goes, Yeah. Guess what Mike Juno's job is now?

• 40:07Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 40:07Mae Martin?

  He's a wrestler. For real. So anyway, I think, I think that closed the loop. And yeah.

• 40:15Fortune Feimster?

  Are you feeling better?

• 40:16Mae Martin?

  Much. Yeah.

• 40:19Speaker 03

  All right. I think we need a little palate cleanser after all that scary bear stuff. How about a supercut of Fortune Marie moments? And big thanks to our social media coordinator, Autumn, who helped put all these together.

• 40:32Fortune Feimster?

  Well, you can't have charcuterie without cooter.

• 40:36Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 40:41Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 40:43Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 40:44Mae Martin?

  Oh my god. Should we guess what the news is?

• 40:47Tig Notaro?

  Um, Tig did something.

• 40:50Mae Martin?

  We would never expect you to do, like, trampoline park.

• 40:53Tig Notaro?

  No. You got, you're cooter waxed.

• 40:58Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie.

• 41:02Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie, how dare you?

• 41:04Fortune Feimster?

  Let's pretend these are the balls.

• 41:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 41:07Fortune Feimster?

  Okay? And this is the wiener.

• 41:10Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 41:12Fortune Feimster?

  So I, I'm even answering the question without my ponchos on.

• 41:16Mae Martin?

  In my, in the early.

• 41:18Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 41:18Mae Martin?

  Fortune.

• 41:19Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie.

• 41:20Mae Martin?

  So, motor boning is like, that thing you could do with, but does anyone do that with?

• 41:26Fortune Feimster?

  You mean put your head in someone's breast and go?

• 41:33Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie.

• 41:36Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna say I'm a fan.

• 41:39Mae Martin?

  No way. Oh my god, that's not the best.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Next up, we have an all-time classic moment in the handsome pantheon. This is from our Natalie Maines episode, and it's the origin story of one of handsome's most enduring catchphrases. Here's a moment where we all learned to keep a pineapple apart.

• 42:03Mae Martin?

  I went to, um, a school dance when I was 13, and it was like, right when everyone was like, okay, we gotta be hot now, and the boy school is coming, and all the girls were in like, tank tops and foam platforms. She was, yeah, I did not either, and I knew I couldn't compete with these girls with their like, lip gloss and stuff. And I didn't know, I didn't know I was like, queer or whatever, but I just didn't want to be involved in the whole thing. So to combat it, I went joke. So I went hat with a propeller, overalls. For real, for real. I went.

• 42:32Fortune Feimster?

  Tig, you called it.

• 42:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I went in character.

• 42:35Tig Notaro?

  Look at May's face and tell me what other hat is gonna go on there. You're gonna put a propeller on May's head.

• 42:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 42:43Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 42:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh, I gotta buy one of those on Amazon now.

• 42:46Fortune Feimster?

  Halloween's coming.

• 42:47Mae Martin?

  And look, I would buy it at an independent retailer if I knew.

• 42:51Tig Notaro?

  Did you know, after the school dance, when you had overalls and a propeller hat on, did you then know you were queer?

• 42:58Mae Martin?

  I was just doing a bit the whole time.

• 43:00Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 43:01Mae Martin?

  I always just wanted to hang out with the teachers and I always had a crush on my teachers. Yeah, yeah. And they used to come around with a pineapple at the dances and they'd say, I know.

• 43:11Fortune Feimster?

  It's Canada.

• 43:12Mae Martin?

  You gotta be a pineapple apart. And they put the pineapple between you and the boys, because the boys would get semis and be like grinding.

• 43:18Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 43:19Mae Martin?

  And I, I wanted that. Like, I was into the boys. I, Ian Peach, I was in love with, but I knew he wasn't gonna choose me. Yeah, so I preemptively was like, no, no, I'm just kidding around. I don't even want you to dance with me, even though I was desperate for him to get a semi and for the pineapple to come.

• 43:34Fortune Feimster?

  They really put a pineapple between people. I have never heard of that.

• 43:39Tig Notaro?

  You could use a football. It'd be, like, they're a much lighter thing, like a stuffed animal. Like, why carry around a heavy, a heavy fruit with spikes on it?

• 43:50Mae Martin?

  Like, they were trying to make it, like, fun, but...

• 43:57Fortune Feimster?

  Which is in the PE room.

• 43:59Tig Notaro?

  All the queers laughing at the football jokes. But, yes, I mean, like...

• 44:04Fortune Feimster?

  They're like, Martha, you gotta go to the grocery store to get that pineapple.

• 44:08Mae Martin?

  Get that pineapple.

• 44:10Tig Notaro?

  Wait, could we get a morning announcement about the pineapple, please?

• 44:14Fortune Feimster?

  Hi, if you're planning to go to the dance later tonight, then just be prepared that the teachers are gonna come around with a pineapple to put in between you so that nothing happens that's not supposed to happen.

• 44:30Tig Notaro?

  No semis.

• 44:32Mae Martin?

  Semis.

• 44:33Fortune Feimster?

  In the background, Martha, can you please go get that pineapple?

• 44:40Tig Notaro?

  Would the dance be off if they forgot to get a large pineapple?

• 44:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, maybe. Cause what else? Yeah. I, I remember that not only were they going around with the pineapple, but they would remind you on like the um, megaphone, like periodically, remember pineapple apart.

• 44:57Fortune Feimster?

  Pineapple apart is kind of a great.

• 44:59Mae Martin?

  Pineapple apart.

• 45:00Tig Notaro?

  Was everyone in your school just a nerd, including the teacher?

• 45:05Mae Martin?

  I think.

• 45:05Tig Notaro?

  Pineapple apart.

• 45:07Fortune Feimster?

  Pineapple apart.

• 45:08Mae Martin?

  All the teachers had propeller hats too.

• 45:10Tig Notaro?

  I mean, there's so many dances that have happened around the country and world. And how is it that Fortune and I, and I'm certain, Thomas, have you heard about pineapple apart? I have not, and I'm Canadian, so.

• 45:23Fortune Feimster?

  You're Canadian?

• 45:25Tig Notaro?

  Okay, so.

• 45:25Fortune Feimster?

  Was this a Catholic school, May?

• 45:27Mae Martin?

  Anglican.

• 45:28Tig Notaro?

  How did so many dances happen without pineapple apart?

• 45:32Mae Martin?

  I know. I, I, I know.

• 45:34Fortune Feimster?

  That's why teen pregnancy was on the rise.

• 45:37Mae Martin?

  And it was like.

• 45:37Fortune Feimster?

  In America.

• 45:39Mae Martin?

  But so like.

• 45:39Tig Notaro?

  Where are my pineapples?

• 45:41Mae Martin?

  Going around with the pineapple. And so after they've come over and separated you and the guy, then after, when they move on, that's your moment. They're not going to come back to you for a while. That's your moment to grind before they make the rounds.

• 45:53Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you gotta get that grind on before the.

• 45:55Tig Notaro?

  I'm just now realizing that they have to really be on top of that with that age group because it's so new, being able to touch people and, and like if, if the teachers walk off with the pineapple to someone else.

• 46:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:13Tig Notaro?

  Who knows? Who knows? You're gonna be pregnant with.

• 46:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Pineapple apart.

• 46:18Mae Martin?

  But also just let.

• 46:19Fortune Feimster?

  You know the best part?

• 46:20Mae Martin?

  You know, let.

• 46:21Tig Notaro?

  What's the best part?

• 46:23Fortune Feimster?

  Let them grind. May's right. The best part though is that at the end of the night, Martha has a pineapple to make her famous pineapple upside down cake.

• 46:32Tig Notaro?

  Okay, wait a minute. We have our first handsome bumper sticker and it's Martha has a pineapple.

• 46:44Fortune Feimster?

  Martha has a pineapple.

• 46:46Mae Martin?

  Did you know in the olden days, like here's a fact coming your way in the like

• 46:51Fortune Feimster?

  That's why we're here.

• 46:52Mae Martin?

  1700s or 17, 1600s, they used to, you could rent a pineapple just to show that you were wealthy at your party because they were so exotic and so expensive. Like in England, you'd rent a pineapple and pretend it was yours and just put it on the table and be like, oh yeah, we got one. Yeah.

• 47:07Fortune Feimster?

  Somebody should fact check that, listening.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Handsome is hilarious, but what we also love about Tig, Fortune and May is that they share real stories from their lives. When Fortune's mom Ginger asked a question for Pride Month, the answers were touching and funny too. Take a listen.

• 47:26Speaker 05

  Hi handsome. This is Ginger Feimster, Fortune's mother. And I would like to know what your experiences were like coming out your families.

• 47:37Fortune Feimster?

  Ginger. We had to tape that so many times, by the way.

• 47:44Fortune Feimster?

  She was like, here, come over here to this side of the wall. There's, I have these flowers over here. I think that would make a good background. And then

• 47:53Mae Martin?

  Unbelievable.

• 47:55Fortune Feimster?

  We taped that like 20 times.

• 47:58Mae Martin?

  That's so cute.

• 47:59Fortune Feimster?

  I'm like, Mom, we got it.

• 48:01Mae Martin?

  So wait, you were in town with her?

• 48:04Fortune Feimster?

  I was in town with her, uh, last time I had a show there because I knew I, I had, after the people had said on our poll that they wanted her to ask a question, I called, I said, hey, people want you to ask a question. And she goes, I don't know how to do that. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna have to do this for her. So I, I, when I went home, I said, we gotta do the handsome question. And I want, I thought it'd be cool for her to ask something in Pride Month because, um, of obviously the, the subject matter. Uh, but I, after I came out, um, she at first, um, well, to answer this question.

• 48:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah. How'd you do it?

• 48:45Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So she was, um, I was kind of nervous to tell her, like she She's very progressive and liberal. But as I had talked about in one of my stand up specials, she was dating this very conservative, very religious man when I was in college. And she did at that time sort of have this tendency to to take on the personality traits of whoever she was dating. So she went from being like my whole life, pretty progressive to like all of a sudden, pretty buttoned up and like a little bit more conservative in certain ways. And I was like, oh, this is, who is this? And they had just broken up and when I was kind of coming to terms with

• 49:29Fortune Feimster?

  being gay. And so I really was nervous to tell her. And I took her to this Chinese restaurant to tell her. I don't know.

• 49:37Tig Notaro?

  You got to.

• 49:38Fortune Feimster?

  Why saying sweet and salty? Because I could eat crab rangoons if she disowned me.

• 49:44Fortune Feimster?

  But even though, you know, I really did not know how my parents would react. I was very nervous. I told a couple of friends first as sort of a like, how are they going to react? And I told my, my mom first and, and she just got very quiet. And I was nervous to tell her. I was like, oh, like I, I couldn't just say it like I'm gay at first. I was like, oh, just so you know, like my life is going to be different than what you might've thought it was going to be. And I was kind of like beating around the bush.

• 50:20Fortune Feimster?

  And then finally, and she was just kind of like trying to grasp what I was saying. Cause I was, it's, it's hard in the beginning to say the words like I'm gay. And I was trying to figure out how to say that lightly. And then I finally was like, so you know, I'm gay.

• 50:44Fortune Feimster?

  And she, yeah, she was kind of quiet and listened. And I think maybe in the beginning, there was like some, are you sure? Kind of things. And then when I told my dad.

• 50:57Tig Notaro?

  Did you say, look at me and ask me that again?

• 51:00Fortune Feimster?

  I told, when I told my brothers, they were both like, duh. It's like, come on. And but my mom was genuinely shocked.

• 51:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 51:09Fortune Feimster?

  Which like is the only person in my life who was genuinely shocked. My dad, I had my mom go with me to tell him we went to a park.

• 51:18Tig Notaro?

  That's nice that she came.

• 51:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, well, so I had her sit up kind of a few, because they aren't together. They divorced when I was 12, but they're friends. And I had her sit kind of up and my dad and I don't really have serious conversations with each other.

• 51:33Tig Notaro?

  Wait, sit up like sit.

• 51:35Fortune Feimster?

  Like she, like we were on a hill.

• 51:36Tig Notaro?

  Like on a different swing.

• 51:38Fortune Feimster?

  On a hill and she was kind of sitting up above the hill.

• 51:42Tig Notaro?

  On top of the slide.

• 51:43Fortune Feimster?

  And I just was like, I just with him pulled the band, I was like, yeah, I'm gay. And he's like, all right, you're my daughter, you're my daughter. I love you, you're my daughter. He was so nervous, like, you're my daughter, I love you.

• 51:55Tig Notaro?

  Cause he's probably like.

• 51:59Fortune Feimster?

  And my mom, and that's his way of trying to accept it and be cool. And my mom goes, Mike, she knows she's your daughter. She's telling you she's gay.

• 52:11Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, what I would give to overhear this at a park.

• 52:17Fortune Feimster?

  And she's yelling, I'm gay in the middle of this tiny town. I'm like, can you just keep it down?

• 52:22Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. I came out to my mother first and she was accepting, but she also, she was surprisingly surprised. Yeah. And my mother would do this thing where she would move air from one cheek to the other and back and forth when she didn't know what to say. That's exactly it. That's a real tell. And I would, and I said, oh, you're uncomfortable. And she's like, no, I'm not. And I was like, well, you're moving air from one cheek to the other and back to the other. And, and, and she laughed at herself. And my stepfather was fine.

• 53:07Tig Notaro?

  I think she told him, uh, cause. He also like a bit buttoned up and but has no issue with any of that had had no issue with any of that stuff and but just wasn't a conversation I was excited to sit down and have.

• 53:24Mae Martin?

  Right, right.

• 53:25Tig Notaro?

  And then my, um, my father, um, also very fine. And I think he was trying to get it out of me before I even knew, you know?

• 53:38Mae Martin?

  Were you guys emotional, like, like?

• 53:42Tig Notaro?

  I think I wrote my mother a letter.

• 53:44Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 53:45Tig Notaro?

  And then when she got it, she called me and then she came out to visit me right after that. And then, uh, it was funny because my, I hadn't told my brother and, um, my mother and brother and I were all together. And she kept telling me that I needed to tell him. And I was like, I don't want to tell, like, it's just.

• 54:13Mae Martin?

  How old were you?

• 54:14Tig Notaro?

  Uh, like, twenty-two or something. I really don't, I don't know. But I was like, I don't want to have this conversation. My brother and I, he was off at college and we just had, we were living such different lives. And, you know, he was full-on party college guy. And I'm like, you know, hanging out, listening to the Indigo Girls. And, and, um, and so I'm in the backseat of my brother's Jeep. My brother's driving, my mother's in the passenger seat. And before he had picked us up, she kept telling me, she was like, you have to tell him, you have to tell him. And I was like, huh. And, but I, I just told

• 54:57Tig Notaro?

  her I wasn't quite ready. We're driving along and while we're driving, my mother keeps saying to my brother, you know, life is all about change. And, um, and he was like, I know. You know, he was like this big guy in his Jeep. He has like a dirty dog everywhere he went. And like, he was like, yeah, I know. And, and she just kept saying, well, you have to always be open. Life is all about change. Or it's gonna leave you behind if you don't, if, if you don't keep up with things. And he was like, I know. And I'm sitting back there going, oh, my gosh. And then just out of nowhere, she says, Ticks Kay.

• 55:37Mae Martin?

  Anyway, oh my god.

• 55:40Tig Notaro?

  And I was, and I just sunk in the back of his Jeep and he goes, yeah, I know. And then I sat up and I said, you knew? And he goes, well, yeah, of course I knew. And I was like, oh.

• 55:52Mae Martin?

  That's so good.

• 55:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but I just wanted to kill my mother in that moment, but, and then a second later, I was like, oh, I'm so glad she did that.

• 56:02Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, like, thank god that's done.

• 56:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 56:05Mae Martin?

  I'm just listening, thinking like, it is crazy that anyone has to, like, that we assume all babies are straight. And then if you're not, you gotta, it's, it's so scary. It's the only like preference that you have to make a declaration about. And then like, it's like, yeah, it is wild.

• 56:23Tig Notaro?

  Well, first of all, it's so funny to say, to assume all babies are straight.

• 56:29Mae Martin?

  Is that kind of, I mean, hopefully, it literally feels like the babies, like they're cutting the umbilical cord and planning the bachelorette party at the same time. Like, it's so wild. But I didn't, all growing up, my parents were like, you know, when you're gonna meet a man or a woman, like, they were very, like, I knew it was an option. And I think they thought my brother was gay for a while or wanted him to be in, in his teens. And, and then by the time I started dating girls, I was like, also doing drugs and dropping out of school and getting kicked out. So it kind of got like brushed over, like it was just one of many things.

• 57:10Mae Martin?

  But they were definitely shocked because I was so boy crazy and I had boyfriends too. So they were shocked. But I don't think I ever really had a conversation with my mom, but my dad, I remember I was watching the movie Gia on VHS with Angelina Jolie. And I didn't even really know that I was gay or bi.

• 57:35Mae Martin?

  But I was really into Gia. And then I remember like going to get him from his stud, his office where he was working upstairs and being like, Dad, come down and see this, how great this movie is. And like showing him a scene where they're making out.

• 57:47Fortune Feimster?

  Jumping on the fence.

• 57:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And he was like, uh, yep.

• 57:51Fortune Feimster?

  Tank top.

• 57:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And he was like, cool. And I was like, isn't, I don't know why I love how beautiful this scene is. And yeah.

• 58:00Speaker 03

  This summer also brought us one of the most hilariously vulnerable and cringe-worthy moments of the podcast. Of course, I'm talking about when Fortune and May took a field trip to see Alanis Morissette, guest of the show, perform live in Toronto. And, uh, well, the rest is handsome history. Take a listen and find out who made it to the stage and who didn't.

• 58:22Mae Martin?

  Fortune and I did go and see Alanis Morissette in Toronto.

• 58:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Mae Martin?

  And there's a lot to unpack, I would say.

• 58:30Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So Alanis, you know, was on the pod not too, too long ago and, uh, asked a very funny question. And we knew that Alanis was coming to Toronto and May and I were both gonna be in Toronto when Alanis came.

• 58:45Mae Martin?

  Way to rub it in.

• 58:45Fortune Feimster?

  And we were like, we need to have a field trip. What'd you say, Tig?

• 58:49Mae Martin?

  Way to rub it in, Fortune.

• 58:50Fortune Feimster?

  I know.

• 58:52Mae Martin?

  The first thing that happened that went wrong was, well, so I had bought like eight tickets, um, on Ticketmaster. I'd gone like VIP package. I'd invited people that were like coming from out of town. And a few days before the concert, I was like, what's my, I, do I download those tickets or what? Like, do I have the confirmation number? Couldn't find any record of them. Turns out I've been scammed. I had no tickets.

• 59:15Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 59:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And it was a fake Ticketmaster website.

• 59:19Fortune Feimster?

  A fake, whole fake website?

• 59:22Mae Martin?

  It looked, it looked real. And I called the customer service and they're like, oh, yeah, well, if you give us your card details now on the phone, we can get you the VIP thing. And I just thought, ah, give me a second.

• 59:33Fortune Feimster?

  You called the number on the site.

• 59:34Mae Martin?

  I called the scam customer service.

• 59:36Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 59:37Mae Martin?

  Anyway, so then I'm scrambling and I'm emailing every agent I've ever had, being like, is there any string you can pull to get me to this concert? I've got friends like coming from out of town, parfs flying in from LA. Tickets. Wow. Just a casual eight tickets.

• 59:52Fortune Feimster?

  I only need eight tickets.

• 59:53Tig Notaro?

  Did you consider giving Alanis a ring a ding?

• 59:57Mae Martin?

  I would, if I had her number, you know I'd, you know I would.

• 1:00:00Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 1:00:00Mae Martin?

  So finally, I managed to get four, four tickets, which was amazing. And then we, we meet up and we're all excited to meet Alanis. We're standing backstage, Fortune, Jax, Parv, me, my best friend, my two other best friends.

• 1:00:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, cuz we, they said that we could meet Alanis, uh, right after her meet and greet. And we were like so pumped.

• 1:00:21Mae Martin?

  I was drenched in sweat. I've rarely been that nervous to meet someone.

• 1:00:26Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 1:00:27Fortune Feimster?

  My face was red, but honestly, it was because of the sun.

• 1:00:30Tig Notaro?

  What was happening?

• 1:00:31Fortune Feimster?

  Jax and I walked, Jax and I walked 40 minutes to the venue and I, it really took it out of me.

• 1:00:38Tig Notaro?

  You're nervous, you're blushing.

• 1:00:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then the, the moment we need to process is Alanis's manager or tour manager comes up and goes, "So Fortune, are y'all ready to go onstage and sing the first verse of Ironic?"

• 1:00:52Fortune Feimster?

  No, so she says, uh, she had, before she had taken us back to that area, she asked me, um, she's like, "Can you sing?" And I was like, um.

• 1:01:03Tig Notaro?

  Have you heard the broadcast?

• 1:01:09Fortune Feimster?

  And so I didn't want to answer it cuz I was like, well, I mean, I'm not a singer by trade, but we've all heard my karaoke, pretty good. Um, and so I was like, I, I get, yeah? And, uh, she was like, "Well, that doesn't give me much confidence." So I was like, "Well, what, I don't know what you're asking." I go, "I, I have, I sang with the chicks, uh, in Nashville, uh, onstage." So I think I, yeah, I, yes, I can sing. And so she was like, "Oh, well, cuz Alanis does a thing where she brings somebody up to sing a couple verses of ironic, would you be into it?" I'm like, "Absolutely. Are you kidding me?" And so that was the first conversation.

• 1:01:46Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 1:01:47Fortune Feimster?

  You had not been privy to May.

• 1:01:49Mae Martin?

  Not privy to that. So I just hear the manager go, "Uh, so Fortune, y'all ready to sing ironic with Alanis?" And I have never in my life, and I love Fortune, let's just say that right away.

• 1:02:00Fortune Feimster?

  May was ready to murder me and, uh, and throw me in a, into a river so that...

• 1:02:05Mae Martin?

  I was really shocked by my own rea-, I felt rage. Like, I was like, "I want to do this so badly."

• 1:02:13Tig Notaro?

  Did you not have your teddy bear to come to you?

• 1:02:18Fortune Feimster?

  They looked at me like I had betrayed, like I had betrayed you.

• 1:02:22Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 1:02:23Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like, I didn't have anything to do with it.

• 1:02:25Mae Martin?

  And then I was trying to like regain composure and I was like, no, Fortune, I'm so pumped for you. This is gonna be great. And then I would turn back to my friends and be like, I'm

• 1:02:33Tig Notaro?

  I'm gonna kill her.

• 1:02:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then Fortune goes, I better Google the lyrics. I was like, come on.

• 1:02:39Fortune Feimster?

  I know the lyrics. I just got nervous.

• 1:02:43Tig Notaro?

  Hey, is this the point where we say, isn't it ironic? That she's invited and doesn't know the words?

• 1:02:51Fortune Feimster?

  I do know the words. I do know the words, but I got so nervous all of a sudden.

• 1:02:57Mae Martin?

  Of course. And, and I was excited for you. And then, so we go backstage and, and meet her and like, she's everything you want her to be like.

• 1:03:06Fortune Feimster?

  Amazing.

• 1:03:07Mae Martin?

  Right? Didn't she have like a power?

• 1:03:09Fortune Feimster?

  She's just a very present person, a very open, you can just feel the kindness radiate from her. Like she's just, she just is, leads with openness, I think.

• 1:03:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:23Fortune Feimster?

  The best way to describe her.

• 1:03:25Mae Martin?

  So warm, so funny, like really made us laugh. And, um, and so I, and I was like, don't mention that you want to sing. Like I could, I know I could have really ruined the moment by being like, but what about me? And then I was glad we had a great interaction.

• 1:03:40Tig Notaro?

  But how?

• 1:03:41Mae Martin?

  And then, oh, sorry. It comes time for Fortune to sing and I'm like, I'm gonna tag along. I, I think I, under the guise of being like, oh, if I, maybe I'll film footage for our social media page. But really secretly, I'm hoping at the last second, Alanis is gonna grab my hand too. And then.

• 1:03:57Tig Notaro?

  Do an old Bruce Springsteen, Courtney Cox.

• 1:04:03Mae Martin?

  And then it was a beautiful moment. Fortune, you guys were looking in each other's eyes, singing.

• 1:04:09Fortune Feimster?

  My god. My god. I do have a video of it. I have a video of it all on my Instagram for those that want to see the love exuding from me. And I will say, Alanis too.

• 1:04:22Mae Martin?

  There's the video that my friend made, which is you and Alanis gazing into each other's eyes, crying. And then the camera pans over to me at the side of the stage, like Rumpelstiltskin, stamping my little foot. No, I was trying to look, I was like, woo, yay. But I was really, and then.

• 1:04:37Tig Notaro?

  Wait, are, are you saying Fortune and Alanis were crying to each other on stage?

• 1:04:42Fortune Feimster?

  No, no, no. I cried after.

• 1:04:44Mae Martin?

  You felt emotional, right?

• 1:04:46Fortune Feimster?

  Alanis wasn't crying. She's. She's a professional.

• 1:04:50Fortune Feimster?

  It would be wild.

• 1:04:51Tig Notaro?

  At that time, she brings someone on stage.

• 1:04:53Fortune Feimster?

  She has this moment every show.

• 1:04:56Tig Notaro?

  She's a live canon.

• 1:04:58Fortune Feimster?

  Well, right before I get, so, so Alanis does like a portion at another stage out in the audience, and that's when they said, come meet, meet us over the side. And when she comes back through to go on stage, she's gonna grab you by the hand and bring you up on stage. But I think a lot, not always, but Alanis said a lot of time it's a kid that they have to this. So Alanis is like usually pulling some nervous kid. So everyone was like, said she yanked me on stage. She didn't yank me on stage. She's just used to like pulling a kid. And I looked like a kid kinda clomping on stage. And she just walks really fast and I'm really slow. So it looked like I was being pulled on stage. I was very willingly going on stage. But her, right before I went up on stage, her

• 1:05:42Fortune Feimster?

  tour manager goes, oh, don't even worry about the audience. Just sing the song to Alanis. So I was like, okay. And so we start the song and Alanis points at the teleprompter like, yeah, you know, here are the words, kind of, if you need them.

• 1:05:57Tig Notaro?

  Here's the words to my utterly most famous song in the history.

• 1:06:03Fortune Feimster?

  And I just lock in with Alanis' eyes right to her down the barrel. I sing that whole first verse to her. And she's just beaming and looking in my, peering into my soul.

• 1:06:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:16Fortune Feimster?

  In a way that like, no one has looked at me.

• 1:06:19Tig Notaro?

  I have.

• 1:06:20Fortune Feimster?

  Kind of vulnerable.

• 1:06:22Tig Notaro?

  I absolutely have.

• 1:06:24Fortune Feimster?

  It was, it was very intimate in a, not sexual way, but a very human intimate experience that was so deep that when I got off stage, I legit started, I welled up. It made me so emotional.

• 1:06:38Tig Notaro?

  Are you about to cry right now?

• 1:06:40Fortune Feimster?

  No, I'm okay. I've processed it.

• 1:06:43Mae Martin?

  While this was happening, I'm standing there and the stage crew guy comes up to me and goes, excuse me, you're, you're gonna have to stand further back. Your t-shirt is very white. Apparently my t-shirt.

• 1:06:53Tig Notaro?

  Entire show.

• 1:06:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Excuse me.

• 1:06:56Fortune Feimster?

  See, don't you see Alanis and Fortune peering into each other's eyes right now?

• 1:07:01Tig Notaro?

  Now.

• 1:07:01Fortune Feimster?

  So I think the first, I think the first verse and the chorus, and then she gives me a big hug. That's how it always goes and sends me off and it was really cool.

• 1:07:11Mae Martin?

  It was epic. It was amazing. You smashed it too. You sounded beautiful, like an angel.

• 1:07:15Tig Notaro?

  Do you know how she chose you and not May?

• 1:07:19Mae Martin?

  Well, that's a good question.

• 1:07:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:23Mae Martin?

  The most embarrassing thing is she was at the same venue the next night and I texted the kind woman who had got us backstage. Of course. And I said, hey, that was so fun last night. You know, if Alanis needs. I said, if Alanis needs anyone tonight.

• 1:07:39Tig Notaro?

  Did you call with your teddy bear in your arms?

• 1:07:41Mae Martin?

  I sent a selfie with the teddy bear.

• 1:07:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:43Mae Martin?

  No, I said, if she needs anyone, I'm available. Ha ha.

• 1:07:46Tig Notaro?

  May.

• 1:07:46Mae Martin?

  No, no response.

• 1:07:48Fortune Feimster?

  May. I, I will tell you this. I, I heard from people on the comment section that her nephew did it that night. So that's the only reason I'm sure you weren't asked.

• 1:08:00Mae Martin?

  I, I did have a moment with her.

• 1:08:02Fortune Feimster?

  She did bring my name up again that night too. So I think it did have an everlasting effect.

• 1:08:06Tig Notaro?

  Did my name come up at all?

• 1:08:08Mae Martin?

  She talked about the pod.

• 1:08:10Fortune Feimster?

  She said she loved the podcast.

• 1:08:11Tig Notaro?

  Well, okay, but did she say Tig is quite extraordinary and I wish I had her terrible voice.

• 1:08:19Fortune Feimster?

  I did. Did you catch that?

• 1:08:21Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 1:08:21Mae Martin?

  I, she might have mumbled it.

• 1:08:22Tig Notaro?

  I met her before you guys did. Okay.

• 1:08:25Mae Martin?

  What?

• 1:08:26Tig Notaro?

  And she might not even know. I already told you that.

• 1:08:29Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:29Tig Notaro?

  She and I have a mutual friend and I've socialized with her. I've never sung with her, but I will.

• 1:08:36Mae Martin?

  Tig, if you sing with her before me, I am quitting this podcast.

• 1:08:41Mae Martin?

  I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I'm Canadian. I, I, yeah.

• 1:08:46Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe it's because she's heard me, maybe she heard me sing on the podcast and you just need to sing more on our pod.

• 1:08:53Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 1:08:53Mae Martin?

  Wait a minute, man.

• 1:08:55Tig Notaro?

  That's right. She listens to the podcast.

• 1:08:58Fortune Feimster?

  She does. I had met Alanis back in 2014. She came to the finale of Chelsea Lately, so.

• 1:09:06Fortune Feimster?

  There, there, maybe there was that familiarity from back then too. I don't, I don't know.

• 1:09:11Mae Martin?

  No, I feel like she knew she, she was in a safe pair of hands with you and I, I was kind of a wild card. I was quivering, you know, and I did, I.

• 1:09:19Fortune Feimster?

  I love, I love the Hail Mary that you threw for the next night.

• 1:09:23Tig Notaro?

  That is bold. That is no shame, bold.

• 1:09:30Speaker 03

  Thanks for listening to Handsome's Greatest Hits. Let's just call it volume one because we want to hear what your favorite clips and moments are that we missed. Let us know in the comments what you'd like to see if we do a volume two and what your favorite clip from this video was as well. And don't forget to go to handsomepod.com for all your merch and follow us at Handsome Pod. Have a happy and handsome hollybob from me, Fortune, May and Tig. We're going to close it out with some singing, but first don't forget, keep it handsome.

• 1:09:58Fortune Feimster?

  At least you're not like on like a bunch of country roads in LA.

• 1:10:03Mae Martin?

  Are there country roads in LA?

• 1:10:05Fortune Feimster?

  Country roads, take me home to the place. I belong. West Virginia. Mount Mama. Take me home, LA roads. Hollywood Boulevard.

• 1:10:25Mae Martin?

  What is this podcast?

• 1:10:28Fortune Feimster?

  When you're going into first and you're feeling like, where's diarrhea? Diarrhea. When you feel something.

• 1:10:34Mae Martin?

  Last time you had diarrhea?

• 1:10:36Fortune Feimster?

  When you're going into second and you feel something unpleasant, diarrhea. Diarrhea. When you're going into third.

• 1:10:44Mae Martin?

  Sliding into.

• 1:10:45Fortune Feimster?

  First and you feel a big burst. Second is unpleasant? Nope. Third is church. Home is.

• 1:10:54Mae Martin?

  Third is church.

• 1:10:56Fortune Feimster?

  When you go into third and you feel a big church, diarrhea.

• 1:11:02Fortune Feimster?

  And then home is what? Do we know? Foam.

• 1:11:05Mae Martin?

  When you're sliding into home and you've got.

• 1:11:09Tig Notaro?

  Your shorts are full of foam.

• 1:11:12Fortune Feimster?

  Diarrhea, and then you do have to go, "pfft, pfft." Diarrhea.

• 1:11:15Tig Notaro?

  Your shorts are full of foam?

• 1:11:16Fortune Feimster?

  Because this is...

• 1:11:18Tig Notaro?

  Shorts. Where is the foam? Did you have foam?

• 1:11:20Mae Martin?

  I had no foam.

• 1:11:21Fortune Feimster?

  It's... What rhymed?

• 1:11:23Tig Notaro?

  I almost died of a disease that caused diarrhea. I had no foam.

• 1:11:27Fortune Feimster?

  You had no foam?

• 1:11:28Tig Notaro?

  No foam.

• 1:11:29Fortune Feimster?

  Have you ever heard that song?

• 1:11:30Tig Notaro?

  I've heard the first line and that "pfft, pfft." But I have not heard about foam.

• 1:11:35Fortune Feimster?

  Can you believe I knew all the basses?

• 1:11:37Mae Martin?

  That was great.

• 1:11:38Fortune Feimster?

  I do want you guys to know one thing, though, before we get into the end of the podcast.

• 1:11:43Mae Martin?

  Oh, what? Oh, my god, what?

• 1:11:45Tig Notaro?

  What is it?

• 1:11:46Mae Martin?

  Are you quitting?

• 1:11:49Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, what is it?

• 1:11:49Mae Martin?

  Fortune, I'm scared.

• 1:11:52Fortune Feimster?

  "I'll be there for you."

• 1:11:57Fortune Feimster?

  "I'll be there for you." Wait, how's the rest of the song?

• 1:12:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:12:02Fortune Feimster?

  "'Cause you're there for me too."

• 1:12:04Tig Notaro?

  When the rain starts to fall. And it's raining.

• 1:12:08Fortune Feimster?

  Guys?

• 1:12:09Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 1:12:09Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:12:10Tig Notaro?

  It feels kind of medium-y and...

• 1:12:12Mae Martin?

  It feels... I got goosebumps.

• 1:12:15Tig Notaro?

  I didn't.

• 1:12:16Mae Martin?

  I also genuinely thought...

• 1:12:17Fortune Feimster?

  I bet you never thought that life would...

• 1:12:19Tig Notaro?

  Oh, she's gonna...

• 1:12:20Mae Martin?

  Oh, Fortune, come on, no.

• 1:12:22Fortune Feimster?

  "Your friends are a joke, your job's a joke, you're broke, your friends are..."

• 1:12:27Tig Notaro?

  Thank you, I have your headshot resume. Thank you.

• 1:12:31Fortune Feimster?

  I almost beat my pants.

• 1:12:34Tig Notaro?

  Not on my couch!

• 1:12:37Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 1:12:40Tig Notaro?

  Fortune.

• 1:12:41Fortune Feimster?

  Like, it was so close. I'm good, I'm okay, I did it, I did it. "Chatting with friends on the handsome pod." "Chatting with friends on the handsome pod."

• 1:12:54Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 1:12:55Fortune Feimster?

  Guys, we've never done that.

• 1:12:56Mae Martin?

  We've never done it live.

• 1:12:58Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 1:12:59Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected]. And please, follow us on social media, @handsomepod.

• 1:13:17Speaker 00

  What a podcast.

• 1:13:21Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 1:13:24Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door? I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead, and now everything's out of alignment.

• 1:13:37Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:13:53Speaker 06

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:13:54Tig Notaro?

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:13:56Speaker 06

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 1:14:17Tig Notaro?

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:14:30Speaker 06

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:14:41Tig Notaro?

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.