Pod Insights Hamish & Andy 2025 Ep 298 - Blowing Crumpets Wide Open About this episode The crumpets are warm and buttered as Hamish attempts to blow the crumpet industry wide open! Andy seeks help to get out of a sticky situation with Bec, so Hamish offers up his “Excuse Pro Member Services” to do the job. We check in with our resident Appleist, Brian, about the ‘Louis Vuitton’ of apples coming out of Australia, plus, inspired by the treasures of AM radio, Andy introduces a fun new game: “What Are They Trying to Clean?”
1. Crumpets Test
2. Bec Birthday Prank
3. Brian the Appelist
4. AM Radio Cleaning Game
Transcript 0:02 Speaker 00 A Listener Production.
0:07 Speaker 01 Activate your internet because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two.
0:17 Speaker 01 Sorry, it's still buffering. One.
0:23 Speaker 02 Ahoy to my divergent. Hamish.
0:27 Speaker 03 Just try and guess which direction I'm going in because you won't be able to because it's often two.
0:33 Speaker 02 Yep.
0:33 Speaker 03 I diverge.
0:34 Speaker 02 Ahoy to my convergent.
0:37 Speaker 04 Ahoy, I feel like we're in the math-science realm.
0:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
0:41 Speaker 04 Something we probably learned at high school and forgot.
0:44 Speaker 03 It is ringing bells, but I'm confused because is the bell at ringing just that I know those words?
0:50 Speaker 02 Oh, yes, yes.
0:51 Speaker 03 Are these just English words that I know?
0:53 Speaker 02 Science, I would say, is a part of it. Transform, I am, but I would say it's more geology. Divergent, convergent, transform.
1:06 Speaker 03 I'm out.
1:07 Speaker 02 We are the three main types of tectonic plate boundaries.
1:11 Speaker 04 Hmm.
1:16 Speaker 03 No, it's good. That is good because, look, we often complain that if you can't, if it can't be something that you get the fun of getting straight away, then you learn something.
1:25 Speaker 02 Yes, well, divergent boundaries are commonly found along mid-ocean ridges.
1:30 Speaker 03 Yep.
1:30 Speaker 02 And they're plates, tectonic plates that move away from each other.
1:33 Speaker 03 Sure.
1:34 Speaker 02 Convergent boundaries, tectonic plates that collide.
1:37 Speaker 03 Yep. And transform, just a bit of rumble, rumbling around.
1:41 Speaker 04 Side to side.
1:42 Speaker 03 Changing.
1:43 Speaker 02 Convergent, they create mountain ridges and transform boundaries, they're tectonic plates that just slide past each other.
1:49 Speaker 03 Ah, gotcha, like ships in the night.
1:51 Speaker 02 Horizontally.
1:52 Speaker 03 Without bothering each other.
1:53 Speaker 02 Yep, not worried.
1:55 Speaker 03 Not worried. Um, no, I think the noise I made was because I think my son's doing this stuff at the moment in geology and I should have, it rings a bell.
2:03 Speaker 02 Do you help a lot with homework?
2:04 Speaker 03 You there for pop quizzes and stuff?
2:06 Speaker 02 Certainly doesn't just sit there playing chess.
2:11 Speaker 03 Well, I revel. I quite enjoy, he's in a sweet spot because he's in year five and it's exactly, year five is exactly the sort of like level where a grown up can very confidently remember and get it right.
2:25 Speaker 02 That's why they made a TV show out of it.
2:28 Speaker 03 I reckon that's exactly it, Jack, because it's, it's just hard enough for you to have to think for a second.
2:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:34 Speaker 03 And that tricks you into thinking you're smart because like there'll be a maths question or whatever and you'll be like, what's that going on there? Oh, you've got to add those two together. And because you did three seconds of work, you're like, God, I'm very good at this. Do you remember you're 43 and you're beating 11 year olds?
2:47 Speaker 02 Yes, but they do learn specific things at that age when it comes to like particularly history and stuff that you're like, oh, am I going to recall that?
2:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
2:57 Speaker 02 Um, ahoy also to Gab who used the very easy to use system at hamishnanny.com to tell us what she's been up to.
3:04 Speaker 05 Ahoy, boys. Gusta to you. Uh, this one is for Jack. A life lesson from my three year old. Uh, just this morning we were building Hot Wheels tracks and he asked for help because he said, mommy, I'm just a little boy. Uh, as I leaned in to help, he stopped and said, but I can be a big boy too. And I thought, that's a great lesson. And I know who would appreciate that. So Jack, that one's for you. Thanks, boys. Love listening to the pod.
3:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, the, the missing second part of your sentence.
3:38 Speaker 02 I have a three year old and they, I am noticing that it's really important in a three year old's life to go from little to big. And he, so he's at the moment now where he's saying that he's a big boy. And a couple of times I've thought, it's weird to have a dad who's a little boy in this.
3:55 Speaker 03 A family that's all out of whack size wise.
3:59 Speaker 02 Hey, you wanted the top of the show today for some important work.
4:05 Speaker 03 Let's get straight into this. No padding or little, the quick little bit of admin, housekeeping, but it's not padding.
4:10 Speaker 02 Okay.
4:11 Speaker 03 Um, the crumpet, blow something wide open, crumpet gate.
4:15 Speaker 02 Yes.
4:15 Speaker 03 The accusation was levelled by alert email, a listener last week on the show. Um, just, I did say there'd be no padding, some slight padding while I get her email. Cassie?
4:27 Speaker 02 Yep.
4:28 Speaker 03 Cassie emailed in and said, hey, listen, I live in Adelaide. I went to Brisbane. I love eating crumpets in Adelaide. That's till I got to Brisbane and I ate the crumpets there. They're fluffy, they're thick, they're incredible. Thought it was a one off, went back to Adelaide, can't find any crumpets, same brand.
4:43 Speaker 02 Same brand crumpet, that testimony made very clear.
4:46 Speaker 03 Yep, yep. Cause I know nowadays you can get an artisan crumpet, we're just talking about supermarket crumpets, which are and should always be good enough for everybody.
4:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:54 Speaker 03 You can produce a great fluffy treat for breakfast, should you cook them properly? She was blown away. Then just talking to a few other people and they'd also experienced similar crumpet variants across Australia. Now you, you do a bit of digging and you go, okay, what's, they're not all coming out of the same factory. And then different factories are going to get different wheat. They're going to be made different ways. Is there a way to definitively test where the best crumpets are? Which ones are little fluffy packets of paradise? Which ones are kind of like dry old sponges?
5:24 Speaker 02 You asked for crumpet mules, uh, mules in each state of Australia to go to the supermarket, get the same brand of crumpet and send it through to you. That's arrived with us here in the studio.
5:35 Speaker 03 Boy, were they great. Shout out to our crumpet mules that made it through that we selected. We had a lot of applications, but Kyle from New South Wales, Cassie, South Australia. Um, WA Charlotte, Tasmania, Phil and Queensland, Harry. Much appreciated.
5:50 Speaker 02 Right.
5:51 Speaker 03 Victoria was sent, but didn't make it in time, sadly. So they are not in this. And also Tassie doesn't seem to have got here. So we've got New South Wales, Queensland, WA and SA. Cause I also was like, you gotta send them yesterday. I don't want stale crumpets. We kind of got to like send them yesterday, do it today. So sharp turnaround on that. Kyle, who works with us here, he's just gone and cooked them. Not Kyle Sandlands, different Kyle. Um, just.
6:18 Speaker 02 We trust him not having a bite on the way back.
6:21 Speaker 03 Just for those wondering what Sandalands does after he knocks off of a morning, come and cook our crumpets. Okay. So Cassie, who's our, obviously our original emailer, she's sent in the South Australia version, but um, the others have done a great job muling.
6:35 Speaker 02 She thinks the Queensland version is superior.
6:38 Speaker 03 Superior. And that's what we're going to try and back up in the test.
6:40 Speaker 02 And so what we're going to establish in this blow something wide open is in fact that they are different. That's the first thing to.
6:46 Speaker 03 First step. And I can already tell from the look, we've got four warm crumpets in front of me. I even feel like number two seems fluffier, really.
6:55 Speaker 02 Let's look at, however.
6:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, and you don't know which is which. You don't know what's come from which state.
6:59 Speaker 03 No, I only have them labelled one, two, three, four. Andy has the key. That's why he has to sit over there away from the crumpets. He's got the key. Quick, look at this postcard from Queensland, crumpet mule, Harry. Just a beautiful Gold Coast postcard. It says, enjoy the plump fruits of the north.
7:17 Speaker 03 So you get the sense that they know.
7:19 Speaker 02 They know.
7:20 Speaker 03 They know and they've been sitting on this for a while.
7:22 Speaker 02 Okay.
7:22 Speaker 03 Um, gusto to you.
7:24 Speaker 02 Let's, um, well, let's get ready for the test. And before we do, we haven't heard this for a while.
7:45 Speaker 03 Another week, another case.
7:49 Speaker 03 It is an absolute barrage of cases. Just, it's like we're in a mine.
7:55 Speaker 03 Whoa, gosh. Someone stop for a sec. Clear the rubble. Get the gold. Um, all right. I guess I just go through from one, two, three, four. On first looks, I'd give, I'd give the appearance to number two, but that could have come down to how Kyle toasted them.
8:10 Speaker 02 Yep.
8:10 Speaker 03 But here we go. Got to say to these, I'm just doing crumpet and butter. For those that are butter aficionados, I went for Pepe Seiya butter.
8:18 Speaker 04 Oh, good butter.
8:19 Speaker 03 The best, because the company's.
8:20 Speaker 02 Never heard of it.
8:21 Speaker 04 No, you would know. There's little silver.
8:23 Speaker 03 It's the silver wheel. Looks like a brie cheese.
8:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, big nose guy.
8:27 Speaker 03 Yeah. And that's, you find to say that because that's their ad. They say the big nose guy.
8:32 Speaker 03 I'm going to go, he knows.
8:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, he knows.
8:33 Speaker 03 He, he put himself on there. He, he deliberately goes in profile too. So he's milking it.
8:38 Speaker 02 All right. And before you jump in, uh, everyone at home will hear what state the crumpets from as we go through this. Uh, the first crumpet is from.
8:55 Speaker 03 Fluffy.
8:58 Speaker 03 The rim
9:01 Speaker 03 and base
9:03 Speaker 03 of the crumpet. Oh, crumpets are good.
9:06 Speaker 02 I'm jealous.
9:09 Speaker 03 No, no, but you've got to admit, like, this is a subjective test, so you have to involve your emotions.
9:13 Speaker 02 Yes.
9:14 Speaker 03 A little chewy on the rim.
9:15 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
9:16 Speaker 03 I probably didn't get as much. The difference between the, um, the top, the cloudy bit and the base. Yeah, I feel like the texture changes close to the base there.
9:26 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:26 Speaker 03 That's a number one.
9:27 Speaker 02 Number two, everyone will be able to hear which, which, which state this came from now.
9:36 Speaker 02 Hey, what are you, what are you feeling about that?
9:38 Speaker 03 Hmm.
9:43 Speaker 03 That was a good crumpet.
9:44 Speaker 02 Okay. Better than one or, or worse than number one?
9:47 Speaker 03 I feel like it's slightly thicker than one, slightly thicker.
9:50 Speaker 02 Thicker, which makes it better?
9:51 Speaker 03 Okay.
9:51 Speaker 02 Is that, is that any fluffier?
9:53 Speaker 03 Thick and fluffy, thick and fluffy. Number three.
9:55 Speaker 02 Number three. This one's from.
10:00 Speaker 03 Okay, noticeably chewier. Tough, much tougher on the bite.
10:05 Speaker 02 Mm hmm. Your least favourite so far?
10:08 Speaker 03 Well, I noticed it during the chewing session there.
10:11 Speaker 02 Hmm.
10:12 Speaker 03 Um, we, you know, you regain, not trying to brag, but my teeth were able to overpower it easily.
10:18 Speaker 02 Yep.
10:18 Speaker 03 And, um, mash the crumpet into submission. So it becomes what I want it to become. But in that initial bit, it had a lot more resistance on the crumpet than number one or two.
10:28 Speaker 02 In a bad way?
10:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, I would say it didn't kind of like fluffy falls apart and that put up a fight.
10:34 Speaker 02 Is that ranking three now? If you had to rank them. No, that is number three, but is that ranking number three in yours?
10:41 Speaker 03 Yes, it is. So, so far I'd say we've got two, one, three.
10:43 Speaker 02 Two, one, three. Yep.
10:44 Speaker 03 Order of podium.
10:45 Speaker 02 This last one is from.
10:51 Speaker 03 Four. Yeah, four. Again, that tastes a little, that might even taste a little drier. Now, that could be user error because I bit in, you know, sometimes the crust curls up.
11:03 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
11:05 Speaker 03 I bit in at a slightly curled up bit. I put that down to my own fault. I was excited and I just jumped in there. I could have bit into a better position on the crumpet.
11:13 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
11:14 Speaker 03 So it might be a cooking issue, but.
11:17 Speaker 03 I'd say in order of success, we've got two, one, four, three.
11:24 Speaker 02 Okay. Can you say categorically that they're different now?
11:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, I felt it.
11:29 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yep. And Kathy was suggesting that the one from Queensland?
11:36 Speaker 03 Yep, was the best. And I suppose we're just testing the other states.
11:41 Speaker 03 We're just testing the other states because it's fun to eat more crumpets.
11:46 Speaker 02 Well, Haim, I'm gonna go from the bottom to top.
11:49 Speaker 03 Okay.
11:50 Speaker 02 Really bad news for you as you live in Sydney. But your least favourite crumpet is in your hometown.
11:58 Speaker 03 Wow.
11:59 Speaker 02 New South Wales crumpet is the inferior crumpet, and I see. Hmm. Second, don't bother getting on a plane because the other, the second most inferior is a Western Australian crumpet.
12:16 Speaker 03 Long way to travel. Good weight in WA, but so you wonder what's going on. You wonder what's going on there.
12:23 Speaker 02 And then obviously if I say second, it's gonna give away first. So I'll just do first. You've managed to correctly identify what Kathy is saying.
12:31 Speaker 03 Oh my god.
12:32 Speaker 02 Queen, Queen's only fluffy.
12:33 Speaker 03 Oh my god. And I, and even from appearance as it came in. And look, I'll be honest now, with the benefit of hindsight, you know, the others, one, four and three were close. It really was just two that had that little, it just had the X factor about it from the beginning. It was so sure of itself.
12:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:53 Speaker 03 As Harry the mule said, they are plump fruits of the north. How is this, why are they fluffier?
13:02 Speaker 03 But I'm as shocked as anyone else is because really, let's again be honest, the chances there were just one in four. Like, I mean, you would think going into this, I had the thought as they came in, I went, okay. This has been exciting, but this could just be four crumpets. This is random. But two from the get go felt different and bloody hell.
13:22 Speaker 02 Even looked different. You identified it as fluffier. To the eye, but also to the taste.
13:27 Speaker 03 It's like when you go back and you see young footage of, you know, superstars or whatever. Like when you see Gosling in the Mickey Mouse Club and you go, look, I know I'm just saying this because I know it's Ryan Gosling now, but he had it. He had it from a young age and I just felt that way with the Queensland crumpet as it came in. It charmed me from first look. It didn't disappoint when I bit through it. And the others, the others couldn't do it on the, in the big dance.
13:53 Speaker 02 And the groundbreaking revelation is the same company, you're getting different crumpets in different states. Which, I mean, I don't want to steal your thunder. Do you want to point to Jack for the explosion or do you want me to?
14:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm just saying, I mean, when Queensland gets wind of this, they're sitting there going, you know, we've got the barrier reef.
14:11 Speaker 02 Got the Olympics.
14:12 Speaker 03 Everything else. You've got the Olympics coming up. Now we've got this. They're just gonna be smug as hell, but they earned it.
14:30 Speaker 04 Hey man, in the past, I've come to you because you can guarantee if I follow a script. Or I have to ring someone to get out of a sticky situation. The script that you provide will be perfect for the conversation and get me out of the sticky situation.
14:44 Speaker 03 Think of it like a late night TV commercial. At Excuse Pro Services, if you follow our script. At Excuse Pro, you will get out of anything that you've found yourself in, whether it be hot soup or hot poop. We will try our best to get you out. If you follow the script, all we need is a few simple details. You've got to fill out our intake form. I might as well do the intake form with you now, Ando.
15:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, sure.
15:08 Speaker 03 Because this is relates to an issue that you had on, well, specifically May the 19th, I believe it was.
15:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:14 Speaker 03 Bec's birthday.
15:16 Speaker 02 A few, a few weeks ago now, um, it's the kind of thing you get reminded of, but I did forget to say happy birthday to Beck. When I woke up and it was her birthday.
15:26 Speaker 04 For a man who receives so many happy birthdays every single day.
15:29 Speaker 03 Don't celebrate them, mate. I know, I know. And Ando, just so I can fill out the form here, how many hours into the day was it when you said happy birthday?
15:37 Speaker 02 Under two.
15:38 Speaker 03 We'll call it two.
15:40 Speaker 04 And did you remember yourself or you prompted?
15:43 Speaker 02 Been prompted.
15:44 Speaker 03 Yeah. Okay. And it's you woke up, you went out from what I understand from what your form you've pre-filled in.
15:50 Speaker 02 Yep.
15:50 Speaker 03 You went for a walk with the dog.
15:52 Speaker 02 Yes.
15:53 Speaker 03 And it was when you're outside across the road from your apartment building in the park.
15:57 Speaker 02 At the park, yep.
15:58 Speaker 03 That you were prompted.
15:59 Speaker 02 Hmm.
16:00 Speaker 03 Does this day ring a bell?
16:01 Speaker 02 Yep.
16:02 Speaker 03 In any way. Yep, that's fine. And look, can I just say off the top of the bat here, at Excuse Pro Member Services, we don't judge.
16:10 Speaker 02 Thank you.
16:11 Speaker 03 We just need the facts.
16:12 Speaker 02 Getting judged over here by Jackie McJackster.
16:15 Speaker 03 How would? Sometimes our interns, sometimes our interns will judge you. Yeah, for sure. They haven't done the full training. We are a little bit shocked. What did Beck say?
16:24 Speaker 02 I can't remember specifically, but it's just like, what a great way to start my birthday or something like that, walking the dog.
16:31 Speaker 03 Okay, we can fix this. That's fine. A couple of things here. So the target is Beck. Yep. And you live in, at the moment, you live in an apartment building, is that correct?
16:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:43 Speaker 03 Great. How many floors is the apartment building roughly? It's 12. Uh, that's all good. We can make that work. And I just have to ask this, uh, as part of the intake form, comfortable line?
16:55 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
16:56 Speaker 03 Great. Good. That's the whole basis of the scheme?
17:01 Speaker 03 Yeah. Okay. Great. Well, I think we've got everything we need. Uh, I'll just send you the script now. Tell me what you think about it. Uh, one of our dedicated, um, Excuse Craft has worked on this script.
17:12 Speaker 02 Okay.
17:13 Speaker 03 We're very happy with his work.
17:14 Speaker 02 Okay.
17:15 Speaker 03 And, um, I think you will be too.
17:17 Speaker 02 Okay, I'm getting it now.
17:18 Speaker 03 And one of our platinum members.
17:20 Speaker 02 Do I?
17:21 Speaker 03 Let's do a rehearsal because I want you, whilst you actually, you obviously have to follow the script to a T. It's important it sounds conversational.
17:28 Speaker 02 Okay. So, uh, ring, ring, ring, ring. You pick up, I imagine.
17:33 Speaker 03 Hello?
17:34 Speaker 02 Hi honey, I hope you're having a great day.
17:36 Speaker 03 Oh, I am. What's going on?
17:38 Speaker 02 I just wanted to bring something up that has been bugging me for five or six weeks. But you know, since we're getting married. The intern's laughing at me.
17:47 Speaker 03 He's allowed to do whatever he wants.
17:48 Speaker 02 A long time to be mulling it over, but it is what it is.
17:51 Speaker 03 But I think that adds gravitas to it.
17:52 Speaker 02 Since we're getting married, I want to be a bit better at not having anything unspoken between us.
17:57 Speaker 03 I agree. That's, yeah, good policy.
18:00 Speaker 02 It's in regards to your birthday and me not saying happy birthday until we're walking the dog a few hours into the day.
18:05 Speaker 03 Oh, yes, I remember.
18:07 Speaker 02 Now, I completely acknowledge that it would have seemed a little weird and kind of neglective. Or negligent. And that must not have been nice for you.
18:17 Speaker 03 So what we're doing there, Ando, whether you've done this before in your relationship or not, is we're just establishing some empathy.
18:22 Speaker 02 Great. No, I haven't done that.
18:25 Speaker 03 Sorry, I just noticed you stumbling over the words. So some of these could be, but again, remember, follow the script. This will all make sense.
18:33 Speaker 02 You sure? We don't know just anything. All right.
18:35 Speaker 03 This will all make sense.
18:35 Speaker 02 But I can now reveal that the real reason I didn't say it was that I was trying to organise something very, very special that morning. It meant I couldn't say it until we were in the park.
18:45 Speaker 03 Oh, okay. Go on.
18:47 Speaker 02 I'd organised a window washing company in our apartment.
18:50 Speaker 03 I'd organised with the window washing.
18:52 Speaker 02 Sorry, I'd organised with the window washing company at our department, apartment building, High Rise Window Solutions, to hang a giant happy birthday back sign off the window washing rig. And it was meant to be up there when, when we're outside. And I wanted the giant 10 foot sign to be the first one that you saw.
19:10 Speaker 03 Okay, yeah. So don't rush that. That's the killer bit. So you'd organise with the window washing company, High Rise Solutions, we've included the window washing company's name there to add some believability.
19:21 Speaker 02 A giant happy birthday.
19:22 Speaker 03 To hang a giant happy birthday back sign off their window washing rig. Okay, now I'm back in character. Oh, right. Okay. Well, that's weird, but thank you. That's so romantic.
19:33 Speaker 02 Then when I didn't see it there, you probably noticed me on my phone and I was texting them, trying to figure out what went wrong. They said that have, have it up when we got back. That's why I was holding out annoyingly. They never got it up.
19:47 Speaker 03 Oh, so you organised a 10 foot happy birthday sign for me?
19:50 Speaker 02 I fought with them all day.
19:53 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, okay. I could have just said happy birthday.
19:57 Speaker 04 Hmm. I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey that night. I'm not sure if we need to include the fact.
20:03 Speaker 03 Because that's what she did on the day of the birthday, isn't it?
20:05 Speaker 04 Yes, she did.
20:06 Speaker 03 You made her go to your hockey game.
20:10 Speaker 03 I think you have to say thanks for coming to my hockey game on your birthday.
20:12 Speaker 04 Okay. I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey that night, even though you missed my goal. I mean, she did miss the goal.
20:20 Speaker 03 You said in your intake form, she got there late and she missed the goal.
20:23 Speaker 04 You probably noticed I was a bit distracted, the drinks afterwards, because I was still talking to the window washing company, trying to get the bloody banner organised, because I spent thousands on it.
20:34 Speaker 03 I did notice you were a bit distracted, yes.
20:36 Speaker 04 And so in the intervening weeks, I've been trying to get them to make it up to me. But I just heard this morning they've gone bankrupt and have completely vanished without a trace. So I thought I'd better let you know that on what's hap- let you in on what's happening. I explain the reasons and explain the reasons I may have looked uncaring the morning of your birthday.
20:59 Speaker 03 Yep. Okay. Well, that does make a lot of sense now.
21:01 Speaker 04 It feels great to let you know the real story.
21:05 Speaker 03 Boom. Wow.
21:07 Speaker 04 It's good. It's really good. Okay.
21:10 Speaker 03 It's really good.
21:11 Speaker 04 We got what we need.
21:11 Speaker 03 Ten meters signed. And that's why, and I think you add that bit in like, in the intervening weeks, I've been arguing them because it makes it sound like that's why you haven't told us this earlier.
21:20 Speaker 04 Yeah.
21:20 Speaker 03 You were hoping they'll do a make good and then you've just found out they're bankrupt, gone without a trace and off the internet. And so they've vanished.
21:28 Speaker 04 And I don't stray from this script?
21:30 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, read it properly.
21:32 Speaker 04 I will.
21:32 Speaker 03 That's why I wanted you to have a go.
21:33 Speaker 04 I've just made it a bigger font as well.
21:35 Speaker 03 Okay, great.
21:38 Speaker 04 But don't stray from it. What if she goes and asks me something else?
21:41 Speaker 03 You have permission to loose, to do some very, very, very constrained improvising to get it back on track.
21:49 Speaker 04 Constrained.
21:52 Speaker 03 Um, yes, boss.
21:53 Speaker 04 Okay, yes, boss. Here we go.
22:03 Speaker 06 Thanks.
22:04 Speaker 02 Hey honey, I hope you're having a great day.
22:06 Speaker 06 Yeah, you too.
22:08 Speaker 02 Um, I just wanted to bring something up with you. Um, it's been bugging me the last five or six weeks. And, you know, since we're getting married, I just wanted to.
22:17 Speaker 06 What?
22:20 Speaker 02 Just be a bit better at having these kind of conversations and anything unspoken between us.
22:26 Speaker 06 Yeah, you're trying to crank me.
22:29 Speaker 02 Why, why would you think that?
22:31 Speaker 06 I can hear it in your voice.
22:33 Speaker 02 Well, I know, I'm just, it's just in regards to your birthday.
22:39 Speaker 06 What?
22:40 Speaker 02 And me not saying happy birthday when we're walking the dog a few hours into the day.
22:45 Speaker 06 Yeah, so what's, why is that my problem?
22:47 Speaker 02 Well, I just, you know, I completely acknowledged that, you know, I would have seemed a little weird and kind of negligent. And I just, that wouldn't have been nice for you.
22:58 Speaker 06 It was fine.
23:00 Speaker 02 It was fine, yeah, but I can now reveal the real reason. I didn't say it was that I was trying to organise something very special for you on the morning and I couldn't say it at the time.
23:11 Speaker 06 What was it? Still haven't got it.
23:14 Speaker 02 Well, I had organised a window washing company, the window washing company for our apartment, the high-rise window solutions.
23:21 Speaker 06 Oh, shut up, I'm running late.
23:23 Speaker 02 Okay, well, no, I tried to hang a giant happy birthday Beck sign off the window washing rig. And it was meant to be outside and I wanted the giant 10 foot sign to be the first one that you saw on the day.
23:36 Speaker 06 Okay, great.
23:37 Speaker 02 And then when I didn't see it, you probably noticed that I was on my phone, I was texting them, trying to find out, figure out what went wrong. And, you know, they said they would get it up there and that's why I was holding out and annoyingly they just never got it up.
23:49 Speaker 06 Mm-hmm.
23:50 Speaker 02 And I fought with them all day.
23:53 Speaker 06 Cool.
23:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, and so I.
23:56 Speaker 06 Andy, it's a Tuesday, I know that you're in at.
24:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:02 Speaker 04 Yeah, mate, mate, what am I meant to keep going here, Ham? I mean,
24:05 Speaker 03 Well, I think just the way you read it was so clunky.
24:09 Speaker 06 It was so bad.
24:11 Speaker 03 So clunky, Bec. He's stumbling, stopping halfway through his sentences to go to the next paragraph.
24:17 Speaker 04 It's not really the way I was expecting.
24:19 Speaker 03 It's not written conversationally, to be fair. Jack, in the hands of a professional, it absolutely is conversational.
24:27 Speaker 04 Anyway, I did it.
24:28 Speaker 03 Also, Bec picked that it was a prank so far earlier, but Hamish kept silently doing it. Keep going, keep going, because he was eating something.
24:40 Speaker 06 I could hear it in your voice. Maybe you've lost it. Maybe you've lost the ability to prank me, Andy.
24:44 Speaker 04 I haven't lost. You will be pranked by the end of the year.
24:47 Speaker 03 But Bec.
24:48 Speaker 04 It's just, I'm using a service. It's called, it is an excuse management service. And to be honest, I don't think I'll use them again.
24:57 Speaker 06 Okay.
24:58 Speaker 03 Keep an eye on the outside of the building because that happy birthday, Bec sign might be going to see.
25:03 Speaker 06 It actually would have been a welcomed birthday gift. The windows need a cleaner.
25:08 Speaker 04 Okay.
25:08 Speaker 03 No, sorry, they're putting a sign up.
25:11 Speaker 04 Yeah.
25:12 Speaker 03 They're not cleaning the windows.
25:13 Speaker 04 Anyway.
25:14 Speaker 03 Well, they've gone bankrupt now. If you actually listen to the end of the script.
25:18 Speaker 04 Anyway, I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey, even though you missed my goal.
25:21 Speaker 03 Oh, you're fine, Andy. You don't have to do that.
25:23 Speaker 06 No, not to mention a chicken soup.
25:25 Speaker 04 Yeah.
25:25 Speaker 03 Sounds like a cool birthday, yeah, Bec? Lucky duck.
25:28 Speaker 06 This is 35.
25:29 Speaker 04 I know. See you, darling.
25:33 Speaker 06 Oh, my.
25:37 Speaker 04 Quite good plan.
25:39 Speaker 03 We're not taking responsibility for that, mate. You butchered it.
25:50 Speaker 04 Hey, ABC News broke this story, and I know we're not a huge topical news podcast, but.
25:56 Speaker 03 We, this is about the right length for our algorithm. ABC News breaks it, we sit on it, we think about it. We go, that was interesting. And then we bring it up.
26:07 Speaker 04 And there's certain areas that we go, yeah, that's us.
26:11 Speaker 03 We do, we don't have many, but a couple of areas we claim complete dominion over. And this is one.
26:16 Speaker 04 The success, this is the title of the article, the success of Bravo.
26:21 Speaker 02 As Western Australia's most popular apple export could pave the way for more varieties. Yes, there's a new apple in town. They call it the Louis Vuitton of apples. And it's a huge export in WA. When we have any apple news, we get Brian Frange on from the States. He is the appleist. People who haven't heard him before, here's some of his work. Hello, everybody. It's good to be back. I hope since I have left, everyone's taken their red delicious apples and thrown them in a dumpster and set it on fire. The worst apple in America. There's a new apple coming to town that people feel like might be the next big thing in Appalandia. And that is the Cosmic Crisp.
27:06 Speaker 02 The Granny Smith's also an Australian one. Absolutely terrible. Granny Smith is the 16th worst apple on the apple list. It's got the acidic kick of expired medicine and like the, it's got a filmy texture. It's a mediocre apple from a fruit company that's wildly inconsistent. It is a celebrity apple, but it's more like a reality star as opposed to Tom Cruise or something because it's Yeah, the substance. You hear about it all the time. You hear, but then in person, it's not as good. I have no children. All I have to leave behind in this world is my reviews and recommendations of apples. And if there is even one person who is disappointed by that, then my entire life is put into question.
27:53 Speaker 02 Brian, ahoy to you. Thanks for joining us, mate. Hello. Oh, it's so good to be back. I'm so happy to be back to talk about apples. It's literally the only thing that anyone asks me about. Well, I mean, you've carved a niche and you're sitting atop, you're sitting atop the pile of all apples, casting a judgmental eye and taste bud across them. First thing I guess we've got to ask you is, we're getting a lot of people writing in going, hey, has Brian heard about this? Does he know about this apple? It's blowing up in Western Australia. Have you had the Bravo? Oh my, I am way ahead of everybody because I was in Australia three years ago and I got to sample an early version of the Bravo, Bravo Apple before, before the rest of the world, before it was in the news.
28:38 Speaker 02 You think that I didn't try this apple before it's in the mainstream news?
28:42 Speaker 03 So you're like a talent scout?
28:44 Speaker 02 That's right. I, I seek out these apples. I try to find them. I'm a man whose life revolves around apples and I think it would be a discount to my entire being if I didn't try them before the general public.
28:55 Speaker 03 So how did you learn? Well, how did you learn about the Bravo? Three years ago and they're just cottoning on now.
29:02 Speaker 02 That's right. Well, I coincidentally visited Australia three years ago and I happened upon one.
29:09 Speaker 03 All right. I mean, apart from that bit in the Bible with the snake, that's one of the most mysterious apple stories I've ever heard. How did you happen upon one?
29:17 Speaker 02 I was in Australia. I don't go to Australia very often, even though it is one of my favorite places to go. And I said, well, while I'm here, I must seek out the apple varieties in season. It just so happened that the Bravo Apple was fresh off the presses and I got to try one three years ago.
29:35 Speaker 03 Well, okay, give us, yeah, give us your score.
29:37 Speaker 03 It's apparently also known as the Saluna overseas. Now is that the same apple, but they're just rebranding it?
29:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, the, there's a couple of reasons for that and one of them might actually be underhanded. The Bravo Apple is a trademarked apple, which is very similar to Australia's own Pink Lady Apple. That means it requires very stringent quality standards in order to actually be sold under the Bravo name. So for example, if you're buying a Pink Lady in the store and you, you know that the flavor profile, the sweetness, the skin, the look of it, all reached a certain threshold of standard. If it doesn't reach that threshold, it's called a crypt's pink.
30:19 Speaker 03 Whoa, really?
30:21 Speaker 02 That's right. Crypt's pink, which you should throw right in the trash. It should have its own crypt and it should be buried.
30:29 Speaker 02 Don't be fooled by these underhanded grocers who are trying to sell you crypt pink and tell you their pink lady prices. They're not the same app. Well, they are the same apple, but they're just.
30:37 Speaker 03 It just didn't, the vintage wasn't right.
30:39 Speaker 02 That's right. The Bravo apple is the same thing. It's a trademarked apple and therefore they have stringent quality standards. That's why whenever you see a Bravo in the store, it is the most handsome apple you will ever come across. If I could be an apple, I would be a Bravo apple because I know that I would be the most handsome apple in town. The Bravo apple is this consistently beautiful apple. Every single apple that you see is nearly perfect. And the reason for that is, is because they take all the ugly ones and they throw them away.
31:12 Speaker 03 Really? They won't give just any apple the Bravo badge. So the naming of the Bravo apple is apt. Like they obviously just tried it and there was a slow hand clap and they were like, well, we've Bravo, we've done it. And there's, we just can't name it anything else.
31:28 Speaker 02 It's a great name for an apple. And equally as great is how bad the Saluna name is. Do you know what Saluna means?
31:36 Speaker 03 No.
31:37 Speaker 02 Sun Moon.
31:39 Speaker 03 Oh, Saluna. Right. No, it does sound like a Hyundai nine-seater model, doesn't it?
31:44 Speaker 04 Yeah, you're right.
31:46 Speaker 02 I just can't, I don't understand what they, what they were thinking. Taking a name like Bravo and then internationally marketing as an apple called the Sun Moon, which it has nothing to do with the sun or the moon. It doesn't look like the sun or the moon. Maybe if it was a yellow apple and a white apple, it'd be the sun and the moon. But it's this beautiful burgundy apple that's named after a white rock in the sky.
32:09 Speaker 03 So we, for, for the laypeople, we look at the pink lady as the high standard here in Australia. Where does the Bravo sit alongside the pink lady?
32:19 Speaker 02 Well, I would prepare for your mind to be blown because I predict right here on Hamish and Andy, that within the next 10 to 20 years.
32:28 Speaker 02 The Bravo Apple will overtake the Pink Lady as the most popular apple in Australia.
32:35 Speaker 03 Now, that is a timeline we can get around. I gotta take a leaf out of your book, Brian, because I accidentally sometimes put six to 12 month limits on things, thinking that will never happen, but 10 to 20, that's like where I want to put my predictions.
32:52 Speaker 02 As you put in the clips, I predicted on your show that the Cosmic Crisp Apple was going to be the next big apple in Appalandia. I think that was in 2020 or something. Now it's 2025, five years later, and what I said came true. What I said came to pass, the Cosmic Crisp has overtaken one apple after the other. It's moving up the ranks in the international apple rankings. It's moving up the ranks in my apple rankings and it is becoming the most popular apple in the world, whether you like it or not.
33:23 Speaker 03 Now the Bravo, Bravo's also storming towards that pinnacle. I mean, is there a way, we don't offer financial advice on this show. You know, we do from time to time, but always check with your local accountant. But I, can you, can you invest in Bravo Apples? I mean, should we take some money as a show? This is like our crypto. Are we too, or are we too late? Are we too late? Have we missed the, have we missed the apple rush?
33:47 Speaker 02 I would suggest investing, finding out, I don't think there is a way to invest. I'm not going to just lie. Seemingly you could invest in the orchard or in the, uh, the distribution company, but it's very unlikely that an apple orchard is on the public market.
34:09 Speaker 03 Frangie, thank you so much for joining us, the Appleist, everybody, you can look him up. But we really appreciate that is, look, some kind of endorsement. Set your alarm, set your calendars. An Australian apple. 2035 to 2045, somewhere in that zone, the Bravo will rise to the top of the pile. See you, Brian. Thanks, Brian.
34:33 Speaker 02 Guys, I was in the car last night and a game happened to me just due to circumstance.
34:41 Speaker 03 Yep.
34:41 Speaker 02 I tuned in, I got in the car, it was on AM radio and I must have been listening to a cleaning specialist. Where people ring up.
34:51 Speaker 03 I think I've heard her on before.
34:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, where people ring up and talk about the stain or the thing that they want to clean.
34:57 Speaker 03 You've heard this as well, Jack?
34:58 Speaker 02 I may, I think she's got a regular segment once a week.
35:01 Speaker 03 I've heard her before.
35:02 Speaker 02 It must be regular on Mondays because a guy did say, as I continued listening.
35:06 Speaker 03 Sorry, I have to say, mere seconds ago, I was scoffing at this segment and now I think I would like to listen to it.
35:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, you'll be surprised at how, how much you lean into the radio to find out how to get like red wine out of a carpet.
35:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm interested, I am interested.
35:23 Speaker 02 When I joined, she was describing the remedy, but I didn't know what they were trying to clean. And I was left going, what are they trying to clean?
35:33 Speaker 03 That's a good, that's a great.
35:34 Speaker 02 So I've gone back and got the audio from last night's cleaning segment. And I've got two bouts and two rounds of what are they trying to clean?
35:44 Speaker 03 Yes, one AM radio, AM radio's treasure is our treasure as well.
35:49 Speaker 02 Yes, because the weird thing was, I heard, I finally found out what they were trying to clean in the first one. Got a call in the middle, the call completed and then I was in the middle of the second remedy and I got to play the game again.
36:00 Speaker 03 How does it work? Do we just yell out what we think the stain is? Or does it have to be stain in something?
36:06 Speaker 02 The first person, the first thing is what they're trying to clean. It's actually, today it's not a specific stain, it's a, it's a thing they're trying to clean.
36:13 Speaker 03 Gotcha.
36:14 Speaker 02 You'll hear from the cleaning expert first with the remedy. And then we'll go back and hear.
36:19 Speaker 03 But we'll have time to guess, won't we?
36:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, we'll pause.
36:22 Speaker 03 Okay.
36:22 Speaker 02 And then you guys will both guess.
36:23 Speaker 03 Don't ruin the game for us, we want to play.
36:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then after all guesses, we'll go back and hear what the caller asked. The caller was Caroline in this situation and here is the remedy.
36:36 Speaker 06 Don't use commercial cleaners. Commercial cleaners are actually abrasive and they damage the surface. And when they damage the surface, they make the surface rubber so that dirt can actually stick to it. So you're actually making a rod for your own back. When you want to clean it, just sprinkle it with, with a little white vinegar and rub it with, with a pair of pantyhose. And then paper towel, do not.
36:59 Speaker 03 Use newspaper. Okay, first, I mean firstly, it goes against my policy of not using commercial cleaners. I believe you always should use a commercial cleaner. No matter what the task, surely more powerful is better.
37:15 Speaker 04 Hospital grade, even if you're not in a hospital.
37:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, you'd be a sucker for any of those infomercials just saying.
37:20 Speaker 03 Not interested in, not interested in consumer grade, anything.
37:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:23 Speaker 03 I want professional grade everything. So, but what the vinegar was a giveaway for me, is it wood of some type? Is it like cleaning a wood, like a wood chopping board or something with vinegar? And, um, and then you rub it with pantyhose is a tricky one, but maybe is it getting stains out of a wood? Like a wood chopping board.
37:46 Speaker 02 Jack?
37:46 Speaker 04 I'll go for a couch, some type of upholstery.
37:49 Speaker 02 Okay, let's see what Caroline rang up with.
37:52 Speaker 06 I'm just wondering, because we're in drought conditions and we've got two outdoor glass tables and they're constantly covered in dust all the time and it takes me forever to clean them.
38:05 Speaker 03 I've got it.
38:08 Speaker 02 Glass, a glass table.
38:10 Speaker 03 Yes, but I think in terms of what's closer to a glass table, a chopping board is much closer than a couch.
38:16 Speaker 04 I think neither is close.
38:17 Speaker 03 One is flat and hard.
38:19 Speaker 02 I'm gonna give it to him.
38:23 Speaker 02 I just don't think that that was upholstery type stuff. Why, when are you ever using newspaper on a upholstery?
38:29 Speaker 04 She said, don't use upholstery, so.
38:31 Speaker 02 Don't, don't use newspaper, you mean?
38:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, but I know.
38:33 Speaker 03 No one would be tempted to.
38:35 Speaker 02 No one would be tempted to use newspaper on their couch upholstery.
38:38 Speaker 03 Interesting though.
38:39 Speaker 02 Better rub the black print on this couch.
38:41 Speaker 03 She sucked us in here because I always use newspaper on glass, so she's saying, don't do it.
38:46 Speaker 02 But that's what I thought might have been the clue for you guys, because that's when I started going, oh, maybe she's talking about glass.
38:51 Speaker 04 I've never heard of newspaper on glass, so. Is that, was that a myth?
38:55 Speaker 03 I don't know, I always just use like Windex and newspapers, my go to.
38:59 Speaker 02 Don't use newspapers.
39:00 Speaker 03 I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, don't tell her.
39:02 Speaker 02 Okay, Tom was the next caller, although I didn't hear him, we'll hear him last, but here is the remedy for Tom's call. What area of his?
39:11 Speaker 04 Um, or object within his house or garage as he tried to clean.
39:16 Speaker 06 Okay, there's a couple of things you've got to do. You'll need to get some cigarette ash.
39:22 Speaker 03 Yes.
39:23 Speaker 06 And you need two tablespoons of cigarette ash, two tablespoons of white vinegar and two tablespoons of bicarb soda. Now, if you're a non-smoker and you don't know where to get cigarette ash, go to your local pub with a bucket and a sieve.
39:37 Speaker 04 Ask around for Andy Lee.
39:38 Speaker 06 Put the sieve over the top of the bucket and you empty an ashtray into it and the ash will fall through into the bucket. Just don't wink or smile at anyone while you're doing it. And then you just empty the butts back into the ashtray and take your ash home.
39:52 Speaker 04 Well, what it, that's, that's, this, this is in three parts, this one. More and more clues come, but any early clues.
39:58 Speaker 03 Tips on how to steal ash from the pub.
40:00 Speaker 04 Yeah, which I thought was really odd.
40:02 Speaker 03 Huge.
40:04 Speaker 04 Whatever it is, it's got to be valuable because you wouldn't put that amount of effort in. Oh, old people have time on their hands.
40:10 Speaker 03 Jack, this, she's assumed this guy's got enough time to walk down to his pub. Also walk back in time to the early 2000s when pubs had ashtrays.
40:20 Speaker 03 And then just go and get one and empty it out.
40:22 Speaker 04 Any early guesses?
40:25 Speaker 04 So it's cigarette ash with bicarb soda, was it?
40:29 Speaker 03 Hmm. It was like making a paste.
40:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
40:31 Speaker 03 Hmm. Could it be silver? Is it, is there, is there, does this do something to silverware?
40:37 Speaker 04 We'll continue to listen.
40:38 Speaker 03 Okay, it's bloody exciting.
40:41 Speaker 06 When you make your mixture up, it's two tablespoons of each bicarb soda, white vinegar and cigarette ash. You must do it in a, an inert container, that's a non-metal container, either ceramic or glass, and you stir it with something like a bamboo skewer. Don't use metal when you're stirring it.
41:01 Speaker 03 It's such a witch's spell, isn't it?
41:04 Speaker 04 The D'Ariggo code was easier to solve than this.
41:07 Speaker 03 I, I feel like this is, this is the potion that Beck mixed up and dabbed behind her ears to make Andy fall in love with it.
41:16 Speaker 03 Such a witch's spell. I'm sticking with silver. That's why she's carrying on about no metal.
41:20 Speaker 04 Yes, I think metal is important because she, she doesn't want it to touch metal and so I might say platinum or tin. Clean your tin.
41:32 Speaker 06 Okay, we'll continue listening. Then you leave it sit for five minutes and get a rolled up pair of pantyhose and put a pair of rubber gloves on because it can irritate your skin. And that's what you clean, all the hard surfaces, like all the plastics and all the metal surfaces. You wipe it on, leave it on for five minutes and wipe it back off again with a damp cloth.
41:56 Speaker 03 So it's something that has hard metal and plastic surfaces?
41:59 Speaker 04 Something's happened to his car, maybe.
42:02 Speaker 03 Interior of the car, maybe?
42:04 Speaker 04 Let's have a listen.
42:05 Speaker 06 I bought a car yesterday and a terrible cigarette smoke smell inside. I want to get rid of it.
42:18 Speaker 03 Powerful ah from the host.
42:24 Speaker 04 Well done, you two.
42:26 Speaker 03 Hey, that's interesting though, isn't it? So you use cigarettes to fight cigarettes?
42:30 Speaker 04 Fire with fire. It's so strange.
42:33 Speaker 03 That's wild. They bond to each other and you can take them out. I'm addicted. People might have seen these on Instagram and stuff where people like get the old, like a 1985 Corolla or something. And then completely clean the inside like fastidiously and bring it back to showroom condition. And it's all this stuff. Bloody addictive.
42:55 Speaker 04 Um, well, do we want to play again? I mean, should I be listening to this show every week? I actually really enjoyed that.
43:00 Speaker 03 I think I'd like to play one more time.
43:07 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.
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