#537 - Johning, But Cyriously and Lovers Gonna Love

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It’s a tale of two anecdotes today, and in a way both of them fall into the latter category. Elis has been donning his corporate hat on no sleep and nearly no thumb, while John has been encountering some very public acts of love. With the dust finally settled on all things marathon, we’re back to regular programming: a Cymru Connection that’s literally staring Elis in the face, and a Made Up Game that leaves everyone giggling like school children. Have you ever encountered public love-making? Did you nearly chop off your thumb then swear at a room full of insurers? Let us know on [email protected]. For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn http://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn http://youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com http://www.elisandjohn.com/. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Alice and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Mini golf picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching. My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Alice is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Alice is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.

• 0:41Speaker 03

  1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.

• 0:54Speaker 00

  They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble.

• 0:56Speaker 03

  But was he set up?

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Wanted abled to fall of two cops.

• 1:00Speaker 03

  His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.

• 1:05Speaker 04

  You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?

• 1:08Speaker 03

  I'm Jaycee Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  Hello, everyone. Following our success in the London Marathon, it wasn't long before Dave and I were asked to share our knowledge and experience with the elites of the distance running fraternity. Legs still aching from our efforts, we boarded a plane bound for Eten, Kenya's home of champions, to speak at the high altitude training camp where we would address the marathon runners of tomorrow. It took a while for Dave to adjust to life in Kenya, as after discovering that cat was legal, he didn't sleep for two days and was found attempting to seduce a barrel of cooking oil. John took a more strategic approach by bathing in Factor 50 sun cream and learning basic local phrases, such as what do you mean there's no Premier in? What's the nearest thing you've got to a Premier in? And Paula Radcliffe is a close personal friend.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  The big day came and 50 of the world's most promising runners sat expectantly in one of the conference suites as our host, renowned coach Claudio Baradelli, took to the microphone. "Please welcome from Stockport and Bristol, UK, Dave Masterman and John Robins. They have come fresh from the London Marathon to share with your tips to improve your running." It's not a Kenyan accent. It's Italian.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Dave began. "Cheers Claudio, I like to start talking about marginal gains. Claudio told me you only get tested every four months, but Mandy only stays in your system for five days. So after you test, grab some Eckies and they'll help you chill out. And if they do a sweat test, my mate Gibbo does this thing, whereas if he's got a tag on, he gets pigskin from the butchers and if you put it under the sensor, it can't detect it. It smells rank after a few days, but he just gets some more out of the freezer." Claudio's brow furrowed. A hand went up. "What if you're not wearing a tag?" Dave looked panicked. "I've not thought about that, to be fair. Let me text Gibbo, but I think he's at Cranefield, so he might not have signal." Claudio moved on.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  "John, how did you maintain your competitive edge?" "Great question, Claudio. I knew my pace had slackened when I was overtaken by a man dressed as a microphone. Many of you here will be familiar with a run-walk strategy, also known as jeffing, but once I'd been passed by both a foam bottle of Raydox and an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex, I had to improvise. And so, I'm delighted to unveil a new technique previously untested in the world of elite distance running, johnning, or the walk-walk technique. Simply walk 100 metres, then walk 100 metres and rotate until you get to the final 400 metres, when you will have enough energy to break into a pained jog."

• 4:12Speaker 01

  The silence spoke volumes. They were aghast and judging by the speed of their exit, eager to put our methods into practice. In the return taxi ride, Claudio graciously answered our questions. "Me, can you get us any free New Balance stuff? Dave, do they scan hold luggage at the airport?" And though I left balanceless and Dave was taken into a side room for an interview at departures, we made our flight and celebrated a job well done.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I think, I predict a bright future for you two in coaching, actually.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Because you've been there at the sharp end.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  Big time.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  You've run with the elites.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  And now I get to put on weight, sit in a tracksuit and smoke fags.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  And I think we'd-

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Sitting in a deck chair, just chucked in through a big loud hailer.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  I think we'd bounce off each other well.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Big time.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  It's sort of a good cop, bad cop.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, like John, gritty realism.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, big time.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  And I'll be the guy that is probably a little bit too optimistic and actually gets hopes too, too high, but you need a bit of that.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  I, I can really see it. You'd be the sort of man management, John would be the science.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  The guy doing the science.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  I think I would also take charge of mental attitude and grit.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  Dave would take charge of team building exercises and weekend getaways.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Inflatable sessions, sent apart.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Paintball.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Well, well, congratulations. Obviously we had a big man and debrief in Friday's episode last Friday.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  I can announce we're going again for next year, aren't we, John? So.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  New, new. Thank you. I've had an email though, Ellis.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  From Ben in Cardiff.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Yes, I've seen this. I've, can I, can I, can I offer some context first?

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Yes, you may.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  I don't do corporates.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, because you like to stick two fingers to the man.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  And I'm bad at them.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  And I spoil people's days.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Yes, because Johnny Rotten was actually just really bad at chords.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spoil people's days.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  So I've decided to not do them. It's like why I don't do stand up at weddings. I did it once and I ruined a couple's day and then I retired from the stand up wedding scene. But I did get asked to do one for Admiral, massive, the only Welsh company in the E400, huge company, big employer. And I think there's someone at the company listens to the show and they said, you don't have to do any stand up, you just need to, we'd love you to come reconnect, right? I was like, okay, I can do that 50% of the time, that I can do.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Forty eight percent.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  Forty eight percent of the time. Anyway, so I.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  They, it was a big staff general meeting and it's casual. Usually you would wear a suit. But they said, no, it's fine. It's casual. But I thought, well, I'm going to have to smarten up a bit. So I wanted to buy one of those tops like football pundits have, where it's like a long sleeve butler polo shirt, right? Now, there's a place in central London that does good ones. And, but we were recording and my train was at quarter to seven. Okay. Now the shop shut at six and we'd over recorded. So we'd run long. So I got to the shop at quarter to six. So I've got 15 minutes to buy my top for the corporate event, right? So I went in, the staff were very, very helpful. I had all my stuff. I had all my clothing options and my suitcase and my suit and all the kind of stuff, right?

• 7:29Speaker 02

  So what kind of top are you going for?

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Sort of. It's a cardigan, Dave. No, no, I'm like, it's Monday night football.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Oh, I know exactly what you're wearing.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Danny Murphy. It's, and that's where I was.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  It's a long sleeved polo. It's a long sleeved cotton polo shirt. Yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  So anyway, the staff were very helpful and said that it suited me, which was good for my confidence. And I left.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  The staff that are trying to sell you the tops, so that the top suit.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, but they, they did it in a way that I believed. Anyway, right. So I've got all my stuff. I said, thank you very much. So I leave the shop. The shop is closing at six, it's six o'clock. I run to Piccadilly to get the train up to Palington. I thought to myself, hmm, I just don't feel like I've got all of my stuff. Forgot my suit at the shop. So I went back.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  You bought something and left it in the shop? No, I had the thing I'd bought. I'd forgotten my suit. I thought you weren't wearing a suit. I was going to wear this suit jacket over the top of it in case. But also I'd, I was going to take options because when they say, sometimes they say it's casual and it's not casual. And then you feel like a good, right? Yeah. So I'd forgotten my suit. So I ran back to the shop. The shop, the shop is now closed. And they'd put a sign up and it said to the gentleman who's just forgotten his suit, we've left it at the reception of a nearby restaurant. Oh, that's nice. I ran to the restaurant. Hello, I'm the idiot who forgot his suit. So I got the, I got my suit. What a lovely thing for them to do. Very nice. They knew how stressed I was. So I ran to Palington and I made the train about 30 seconds to spare. Okay. Bingo, wallop, done. I thought, that's all of the stress gone for today.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Anyway, get to Cardiff. I was staying in a hotel like before. So I'd written a little script. So I was right, I was going through the script. I was a bit nervous. I was reading the briefing of the thing, feeling a bit nervous. Around midnight, I thought, I've got to get up a sound. I've got to bed now. Realise that the window is open. I thought, oh, I can't sleep with the window open.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  So I'll just jump out.

• 9:18Speaker 00

  No, no, so I go to close it. I can't close it, right? I'm using all my brute force and it will not close. So I thought, this, this isn't right. So I'm having a look at the window and I'm trying to force it again. And I'm both hands, right? And I can't close this window. And I thought, I'm not calling reception to say, can you close my window for me? I'm 45.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  I thought, I actually thought, what would John do? He's solution orientated. So I had a look at the catch. I realised that if you touch the catch, maybe by quarter of an inch, the window would close by quarter of an inch. But then if you let go of it, it would close again. Oh, you'd open again. So I thought, all right, how am I going to approach this? It's now about 10 past 12 at night. I've got to get up at seven. I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll flick both catches really fast. I'll close the window really quickly. So I flick and pull and I pulled the window closed on my thumb.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  I was about to say, it's a risky move.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Thought I'd amputated my thumb.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  I'm on the fifth floor above Mill Lane, which is the street in Cardiff where all the bars are. And I was like, my thumb's in Mill Lane now. It's gonna be, it's five floors down and it's gonna be in a puddle. So I'm like, hey!

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Hey! Right, now, I looked at my thumb. It was still attached to my body, which was great. Good news. Still attached to my hand, but I'm now bleeding on the bed.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Are you?

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Oh, I bled on my suit and I'm bleeding on the towels, right?

• 10:49Speaker 01

  Danny Nervy wouldn't have done that.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  No. Right.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Funny you should say that, right? So I.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Because Danny Nervy's in bed next to him. This is, this is gonna be on the front pages, Dave. You thought this was just quite a boring anecdote about someone forgetting a suit. This is spice.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  So I pudge, so I pudge my.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Ellis is two in a bed romp with half a thumb.

• 11:09Speaker 00

  So I pudge my thumb up and I've got a plaster and I'm too embarrassed to call reception.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  But I've got the nasal strips like Robbie Fowler's got, because they stop me from snoring. And I've got them from when I'd gone away with Izzy, right? So I've got some toilet paper and I, I attach that to the thumb with the nasal strip, right? To create a sort of bandage.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's good. I don't mind that, actually.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  I mean, I would have called reception at the first instant when I couldn't close the window.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Too embarrassed. Anyway, and that, that came back to haunt me, right? So anyway.

• 11:42Speaker 00

  So I'm like, okay, better get to sleep. Throbbing, yeah. So like half past one in the morning, I thought, oh, not, not, I would have liked to have slept more. Yeah. But, you know, it, it's fine. I thought you've done loads of stuff tired. Yes, you can handle, uh, what is it? Five hours kip, that's fine. Doctor theatre kicks in. Doctor theatre. And you, you know, you, you do things tired all the time. Don't worry about it. So I thought, I'm not gonna look at my watch because it'll freak me out. Got up to have a, a wee, looked at my watch and it was 4.56 AM. And you hadn't been asleep? Been asleep. You've done this twice now.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  In the last six months, you've had three nights with no sleep.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  That's unusual. On the train back from Edinburgh.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  Well, that was because of all the bumps.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's still a night with no sleep. I slept like a baby on that train. It was like being in a mechanical womb.

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Oh no, I didn't like it. Uh, and then there was the, the one weird night that happens to me once a year.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  All your dopamine came at once.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  And then thumb gate.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  And now thumb gate.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Oh, Donny Murphy's whispering sweet nothing there, is there? No wonder. Way to get your top. Anyway, um, so I got up and I did, so I thought, so at 7 AM, I thought, fine, just, just, it's, what's done is done. Yeah. So I go to the corpora, which is at the C A, the Cardiff International Arena, the Utiliter Arena. And I turned up and my thumb was bandaged. And I was thinking to myself, when I was having a wee at 4.56, I thought, this doesn't happen to Rob Brydon. Rob Brydon is a corporate animal. It happens to Alan Partridge.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:14Speaker 00

  He's trodden a spike. He's trodden a spike. That was going through my head. I've trodden a spike. And I'm thinking to myself, some of these people have come from Stoke.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  And I thought, this doesn't happen to Bry- Brydon, he'd, I don't know what he does, but he did a couple of songs, whatever it is he does, but he'll turn up in his, there'll be no blood on his suit. There'll be no blood on his towels and his thumb will be bandageless. Well, you know what Brydon's doing? What? He's calling reception. Yeah. Yeah, he probably is. Brydon calls reception. Yeah. But I was too embarrassed. Anyway, so it's all I gotta do is come reconnect. I haven't slept for 36 hours. Oh my god. Oh my god. So I walk on, uh, um, you know, obviously lots of people didn't know who I was and lots of people didn't listen to the show. So when I said, right, I do think I'll come reconnect.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  Small proportion.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  It does sound very passionate at this stage.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  Four thousand people there.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  You all got your fun packs?

• 14:12Speaker 00

  About eighty people went, yay. I was like, you're the volunteers?

• 14:17Speaker 02

  So what time was the corporate?

• 14:19Speaker 00

  You do two. Admiral is such a big company. They do one in Swansea the day before.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  But is it daytime this?

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Daytime. That was ten and two o'clock.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  And for a thousand, there was eight thousand punters or something after it. So I'm like, I don't think, well, I'm from Carmarthen, I'm sure, I know, I'm like, you're all Welsh, you. Yeah, well, let's get a volunteer, I'll connect with you. Anyway, I tried to connect with Chloe from Newport, who listens to the show. Really like Chloe. She was very, very funny. I didn't get it. And then you just look like you're a magician with a really bad trick.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Well, I was about to say, are they introducing you on as comedian Elis James, who as part of this fun will do a bit of a come reconnection? Or are you literally going on to come reconnect like a magician would do trick?

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I did, I did talk initially, yeah, I was, I was introduced and I talked for a couple of minutes before, before doing my bad trick. But anyway, so we got this email from Ben. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. There I was, expecting another blonde day in the world of insurance, when who should be hosting our yearly staff general meeting, but none other than Carmarthen's main export, Elis James. I'm not sure how much Ellis can discuss this, as he may have added a clause into his contract to not mention the company so he could potentially take the insurance market by storm. But two things I just wanted to mention. This is the ninth staff general meeting I've attended, and this is the first ever where the F word's been said in Ellis's history. I failed to collect my head when I was very tired.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Literally rule number one. Well, no, rule number one, don't trap your thumb in a window and not sleep.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  Oh, there won't be a rebooking. No, God, no. But that's fine. I'm not a corporate beast. There was a live attempt at a Cymru connection, despite Ellis not achieving the connection with 25-year-old Chloe. Ellis did notice the young age and asked, "What do your parents do?" Advice given to him on a recent show, so the man is learning. Thanks for making this year's annual meeting about insurance slightly less dull. Love to all, Ben in Cardiff.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  And by the F-word, he doesn't mean fully comp.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  No, no, no. But still, it was, I met some very nice people and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's not real lovely.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  So is it like a, because general meeting?

• 16:32Speaker 00

  It is a huge do.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  But the words "general meeting".

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Are they going to vote him out?

• 16:37Speaker 02

  Well, it just sounds quite, not, it sounds quite boring.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  But then you've got comedians there and stuff, which sounds more like a party. There are comedians, there's a DJ and it's very laid back.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  And then they stop protesting the proposed merger. When Ellis has left the stage, the placards come out.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  No, but it's, I'd never, I'd never attended an event like it. You know, most corporates are very staid and stuffy and this wasn't like that at all.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  No, because the host was swearing and bleeding.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Swearing and bleeding.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Most corporate events are, do err on the side of no swearing and bleeding.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  You brought an edge to it, it seems.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely. But the people who, from Admiralty, I worked with are very, very nice to me. So it is very nice.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  And did it work? Did the Cymru connect? Not as in, did you get the connection, but did it go down all right?

• 17:26Speaker 00

  It was fine, yeah. It was fine.

• 17:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, you might get a call back.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Well, I don't know. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have effed and jeffed.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  They're all adults.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  What can you say?

• 17:36Speaker 02

  You don't have any kids in there, have you?

• 17:38Speaker 00

  No, no, no, they don't have children working in call centres, Dave.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  It's like 1850.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  So you're fine.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  No, no. But it was, but yeah, I just, I would have liked to have slept more and I would have liked to have had a non-throbbing thumb.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course, of course.

• 18:05Speaker 05

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• 18:36Speaker 03

  1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.

• 18:49Speaker 04

  They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble.

• 18:51Speaker 03

  But was he set up? Wanted, I'd fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.

• 19:00Speaker 04

  You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?

• 19:02Speaker 03

  I'm Jacey Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Well, shall we put Ellis's skills to the test? Yeah, we should, actually. How's your thumb now?

• 19:18Speaker 00

  Every now and then I'll touch it, and it'll be very sore. But it's fine.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  It's still there?

• 19:24Speaker 00

  It's still there, thank God.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Well, after his go at Cymru connecting in the corporate world, can Ellis... It would have been so funny if you had amputated your thumb just before a corporate...

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, not hilarious.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  I would have laughed.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  I would have loved to have seen the in-house footage for internal use only.

• 19:47Speaker 00

  When I closed that window, for a split second, I thought, you've really done it this time. This is bad.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  After his go at Cymru connecting the corporate world, can Ellis make a successful return to grassroots?

• 20:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Can he go back to where it all began? Can he connect with his fellow non-corporate Welsh people? It's time to find out. It's time for the Cymru Connection.

• 20:11Speaker 06

  It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection, but his questions have one direction. Where did you go?

• 20:26Speaker 01

  Ellis's reticence to go down university alley last week meant he failed to connect with caller Eric. Martin Johns was staring at him in the face, but a failure to take the university route ultimately led to a failed attempt. That result put Ellis on 40 connections out of 84, a connection rate of 47.62%. It seems the elusive 50% mark will continue to be just that, a dream. Let's see what Ellis can do today. We have a caller on the line from Wales. What's your name, caller? Christian.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Christian, welcome. Ellis, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with our caller. Your time starts now.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Age in school?

• 21:17Speaker 01

  49. I scored a fine con with Llanrewst.

• 21:20Speaker 00

  Llanrewst. Do you know Mark from Akerf?

• 21:23Speaker 01

  No.

• 21:25Speaker 00

  Okay. What do you do for a living?

• 21:27Speaker 01

  I work for Anglesey Council.

• 21:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. You don't happen to know Gary Pritchard, do you, Elizabeth Bumaris?

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  This guy doesn't need thumbs.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  Who's got one thumb and is good at come reconnecting? Talk to us about the Pritch Meister General.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  Top guy, Gary. I see him at Wales football matches. He's been going since 1996. He's been everywhere.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  He's been going? What, he's born then?

• 21:58Speaker 00

  No, no, to Wales away games since 1996. And I know his son Ivan as well.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  How do you know Gary, Christian? Through work.

• 22:07Speaker 00

  He's a councillor, isn't he, in Anglesey, on Anglesey?

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so you're from Llanrewst, but you don't know Mark from Akerf?

• 22:15Speaker 01

  I know of him, but don't know him personally.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  Interesting. Well, I suppose you're a bit younger than him, aren't you? If you're from Llanrewst, it's a small scene.

• 22:24Speaker 01

  I've never heard it before.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  But you're not even giving that Mark Chapp a surname?

• 22:29Speaker 00

  Mark from Akerf, it's Mark from Catonia.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  Mark Roberts, because he was in a band called Akerf first.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  Bodies, the Bodies, who formed in Llanrewst, but they are Llanrewst's greatest musical experts.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying. Do you know Brian May from 1984? He's in a band called 1984.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Yes, it is. It is like that, actually. Yeah.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  Christian, do you know any other connections?

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, that wasn't a connection that I was thinking of. So do you know, do you know the, the people Gary goes to Wales games with? Cause I know a lot of them, like the Boe brothers and Alloel in and Doinwen and people like that. No, no, but you're on the right track in terms of people that we would know, people. So who, so if you're 49, so you're not much older than me, but you're from Slendru. So who, who is it? Who are you thinking of? Oh, you're in the wrong location. You need to go further north and to the west. Further what? And, and Ismaun? Yep. Okay. Have you got your map, Alan? I have got my map.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  You got your big map, Alan? But he didn't need it in fairness.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  No, I'm looking at, I'm looking, I mean, deep into the, oh, not Tristan, who's, um, do you know Tristan Owen? I'm Tristan Owen's his boss. You're his boss? This is huge. What's Tristan like as a member of staff? Fantastic. Oh, is he? Isn't he?

• 23:54Speaker 00

  He's a top guy. I've been going to Wales games with Tristan for years and years. He, yeah, he, he speaks very highly of you as well. Yes. And I may or may not have seen some WhatsApp videos, but you know, we'll leave it at that.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  What WhatsApp videos have you seen, Christian?

• 24:10Speaker 00

  Can't leave it at that. Well, it might have been snoring in Lickens Town. Oh, yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  We have a carousel to populate on Instagram. If you could send them HD on WhatsApp to the producer who contacted you, you will be a part of the Ellis and John cinematic universe. Yeah. Oh, can't do that to Ellis, can I?

• 24:29Speaker 00

  No, thank you, Christian. And neither would Tristan either, because he's a good man.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  We shared them with Christian.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Funny.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  He shared them with Christian.

• 24:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that, that, that, that.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's different.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Oh, I see.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Christian's Tristan's boss.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  So he has to do what he's said.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  God, that was a bad day. And I can't, I can't afford to offend Tristan, so I won't do it. No. So just, I'm trying to think if there's anyone else from, from, do you know, did it win? Uh, no, not personally. No of him. All right then.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  Any more from yourself, Christian?

• 25:03Speaker 00

  No, it was the, it was the home banker Tristan. Oh, yes. Do you know what's weird though? Cause he's from Llangefnud. We've had a couple of people from Llangefnud who, who knew of him but didn't know him. So I'm sort of, I, it's, I was finally good to tick Tristan off because he's been, um, he's been bubbling there or thereabouts for a very long time. But anyway, nice, nice to speak to you, Christian.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Thank you very much for your call, Christian.

• 25:27Speaker 00

  Diolch at ei. Diolch amau. Turn on out.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Funny enough, I went to see Big Thief last week at the Brixton Academy and someone walked past me wearing an agent school t-shirt from our Predator range. And I tapped him on the shoulder and I pointed at his t-shirt and he kind of just went, oh, all right. And then walked on. I don't think he recognised me.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 25:49Speaker 00

  Or maybe.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Cause I was wearing a cap.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  Or maybe he bought it from a charity shop and he's a predator.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  But it was nice to see an agent school t-shirt out in the wild.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  You don't see them very often.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Don't see them very often.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  You don't see them very often.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  No. Now we have dropped in here. If there is any more anecdotal in between the two features.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  I do have an anecdote, Dave, but it's risky.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  I should, I should.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Color me interested, John, because what does this mean for us all? This is exciting.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know how to couch this anecdote.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  I've got a few questions before you do then.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  Is it legal?

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yep, yep.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  Do you regret it as much as I do, uh, as much as I regret swearing at Admiral's Staff General Meeting?

• 26:32Speaker 01

  I don't regret, I, I've done nothing wrong. I don't think.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  Okay, I did. I shouldn't have sworn at Admiral's Staff General Meeting. It was bad.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Are you wanted by the police?

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Not wanted by the police.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:41Speaker 01

  And I'm not prejudicing any ongoing inquiries.

• 26:44Speaker 00

  Oh, nice, nice one.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Okay. So, you know, Ellis, okay, the way I'm going to couch this is I know that some people listen to this podcast with young ears. Oh, nice. Okay. So you love making this anecdote. You might want to review the anecdote before, you might want to hit pause here, take it away in your own time. Okay. And come back to it. So you know, Ellis is. Hey, I don't know. No, no, no, no, it's not about you. You know, Ellis is now our staff vigilante. After the speeding guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So bizarrely, I had an adjacent experience. You were speeding and someone told you off?

• 27:27Speaker 01

  No. I became something of a justice of the peace. Great. In my local area. Please say you performed a citizen's arrest. That would make me laugh so much. A verbal citizen's arrest. So I was walking to the station near where I live. And on the way to the station is a small sliver of woodland, right? But it's, it's like footpaths galore. There's always people there. There's like a scout hut on one road. There's a main road on the other. So it's not like in the back of beyond at all, right? It's just a small, like the park run goes through it. Teenagers doing balloons, that kind of thing.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  So I am walking through and I just thought, you know what? I'm, I always go on this bit of the footpath. I'll just go on the other one. And I saw some, some like bags, some people's bags just abandoned. And I thought, oh, that's, that's a bit weird. And then I thought, you know what? It's great that I live in an area where people can abandon their bags. I love that because people don't nick Amazon packages from the front door. This is great. I'm just in a place where it's all like, you know, doors are always open. Locks are made of paper, that sort of thing. Cause we've got porch thieves on our street. It's a big, big issue. And then I walk on a little bit further and I, it's 1:15 in the afternoon, a bright sunny day.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  And I see a couple involved in an act of tenderness. In flagrante. Yeah.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  And I think- One fifteen in the afternoon. One fifteen in the afternoon. A weekday. The sexiest of the days. So I thought, my first reaction was, huh. Well done. You arrested a bonking couple. Are they naked? Not naked. No, it was, it wasn't the, the main act of tenderness. It was one of the close allies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the adjuncts. Yeah. Oh, just kissing, kissing on the cheek. Yeah, and then I got annoyed. You what? They were shaking hands.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  No. I got annoyed firstly because it was in a public, very public place with, where like scouts and guides come and play. Yeah. Secondly, I got annoyed because the guy was wearing over ear headphones.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  So- Oh, because you wanted them or? No, because I thought that was sort of mad and disrespectful and just made me feel sick to my stomach about young men. What would you have said if he was listening to this podcast? Um, now's not the time. Yeah, but do subscribe. But do, yeah, you know. To enter the Edison Johnson American Universe. Google it. Um, so I, I interrupted them. Did you? Yeah. He probably didn't hear you coming. I bet you gave him a right fright. Well, uh, no, I shouted, really? Like Chandler Bing.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  Could I, could this be any more inappropriate? I shouted, really? Could I be any more offended? You could, you could at least take your effing headphones off, mate. What an odd thing to focus on. It's so weird. Yeah, I though, if I, if I, if I was involved, if I was involved in what the couple were involved with. Yeah. And, and a man remonstrated with me for having my headphones on, it would be such a curve ball. Why would you be wearing headphones though? Well, I wouldn't be. Well, exactly. But I, if I am, if I was. But maybe overstimulation, you know, scares him. Maybe he's listening to a meditation podcast.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I, I've got a feeling it's a weird like, um. Flex. Yeah, and there's a celebrity who I won't name, who has a very bad reputation for. Tim Henman. No, not Tim Henman. We can't be clearer. It's not. It's not Henman.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Um, when they were shouting, come on, Tim, they meant something else.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  There is a celebrity who I won't name.

• 31:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Who is, has got a very poor reputation for the way he treats the women he's intimate with in his life. And sometimes wears over ear headphones during congress.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  Right.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 31:56Speaker 00

  Text me.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  I shouted, I shouted, really? You can at least take your effing headphones off, mate.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  And he wouldn't have heard that?

• 32:03Speaker 01

  No, he did hear that because I was about 10 yards from him. And, um, he scurried away, pulled up his pants and I stomped off to the train station.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  What did, what did he or she do?

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Uh, I think very confused.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  Um, and then I got that weird adrenaline of like, am I the bad guy?

• 32:26Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Have I done, have I, and I'm sort of a bit shaky.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  I got that when I told the guy off for speeding.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  And it's like, it's, it's like your chest is full of hot honey.

• 32:38Speaker 02

  It's the fight or flight, isn't it? And yeah.

• 32:39Speaker 01

  Because I'd, it's one of the very rare moments I'd said what was in my head to a stranger.

• 32:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  But I think it is fair, and there were people like walking their dogs. There are kids around. It's one of, it's not like I'd been on a long run into the middle of the woods.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  No.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  And.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  You're not, you're not, you're not on the South Downs.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  No, in that situation, I would have been embarrassed because, you know, okay, it's not ideal, but.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  Love is gonna love.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  And the countryside is the countryside. It's for all people to enjoy.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  Exactly. And it makes, you know, being that close to a, to a molehill can make you glamorous.

• 33:12Speaker 01

  But they were 200 yards from a Tesco Express.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that's the issue.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Yeah. You could, you could probably hear people tapping their oyster cards from that vantage point.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  But they know what they're doing and they're probably, they like it.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  Well.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  I think.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  He didn't seem to like it when I shouted really at him like Chandler Bing.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  Maybe he didn't like friends.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  He thinks friends is a bit obvious.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Um, so yeah, I have a go, hero. Just protecting the decency.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  You had to go.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Protecting the decency of bucks.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  Well done.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  Thank you. But yeah, well, what would you have done in that situation?

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Oh, I totally ignored it.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  Really?

• 33:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  I think I would have. You did the right thing.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  Also, when I get angry, I sound like a West Wales head teacher from the 1970s.

• 34:00Speaker 01

  But that's a good tone for that sort of thing.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  It is in West Wales in the seventies. Like, if you're teaching in Armondshire.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, but if you'd been like, right, what do you think you're doing? Exactly. That's perfect.

• 34:11Speaker 00

  It's a, it's a.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  How old were they, just to have interest?

• 34:14Speaker 01

  I don't know. I mean, I would say early twenties.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  But I don't, I can.

• 34:20Speaker 00

  The most amorous of ages.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  I can't tell how old anyone is anymore.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, neither can I.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:26Speaker 00

  Once you're over the age of 18, you could be 18 or 70. And I'm sort of, it's just whatever. Yeah. Everyone looks the same.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  I think, yeah, I'd have probably thought.

• 34:36Speaker 00

  To me, Dave, you honestly look 18.

• 34:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, thanks, mate. I appreciate that.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  But like, that's, but that's bad for me. Much fun to describe you to the police.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  You're obviously quite sore from a marathon. Age? 18?

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, well, well done. You did the right thing.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  I think so. I think so.

• 34:56Speaker 02

  The, the headphones, it's an interesting take for that to be the thing that you went in with on the.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I would have gone, there's kids over there, there's a scout dot over there, mate. It's a Tesco Express.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  I was, I think I was sort of trying to be slightly lighthearted about it.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  That's good.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  But yeah, so there you go.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  I just am imagining him telling his mates, he's like, yeah, me and, you know.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  Wendy.

• 35:18Speaker 00

  Wendy.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  That's a popular name amongst young people, isn't it?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Me and Carol were doing, we're in the woods, you know, doing that. And then, uh, then a, then a bloke in a big thief t-shirt came up to me and told me to take off my headphones and I ran away.

• 35:36Speaker 02

  Did he tell you to stop doing it? No, he didn't. He just.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  No, he didn't. He told me to take off my headphones because he thought it was disrespectful. It is quite weird. Because when they would have regrouped, that's what they would have said. They either said, did he ask me to take my headphones off? And Wendy would have said, I think he did, actually.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Well, no, because there was-

• 35:55Speaker 00

  Maybe he works for another company.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  I got, for want of a better phrase, two bites at the cherry because I went, really?

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Cue embarrassment, scurrying.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Clothes being put back on, then at least you can take your bloody headphones off, mate.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  You know, for a final little jab.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  Little comical jab.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  But anyway, there you go. So.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  But I'd be interested in people's thoughts if they've ever been in similar situations. You can, as in not, you know, as in an onlooker, but an accidental onlooker.

• 36:29Speaker 00

  Yes, not of all year.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  Have you ever stumbled across acts of intimacy? How did you react?

• 36:35Speaker 00

  Have you done it in headphones before?

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Have you done it in headphones before? So what's the music?

• 36:39Speaker 00

  They would be very difficult emails to read out, like, have you ever stumbled upon an act of intimacy?

• 36:44Speaker 01

  They'll have to be in the XXX Ellis and John cinematic universe.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Yes, we'll do a dirty Patreon episode.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  Because maybe if Wendy also had headphones on.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Did not.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  Did not.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  Maybe they're both listening to the same podcast. Maybe they're both listening to a made up game.

• 37:00Speaker 02

  Or the same sexy music that gets them in the mood that they would usually listen to in their confines.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  Play at the same time. It's actually quite romantic.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, but, but no.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  No, that wasn't the case.

• 37:09Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  So there you go. Let's play a made up blooming game.

• 37:21Speaker 05

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone. And including dental, vision and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage, HMO and PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.

• 38:02Speaker 03

  Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.

• 38:05Speaker 07

  They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble.

• 38:07Speaker 03

  But was he set up?

• 38:08Speaker 07

  Wanted art led to a fall of two cops.

• 38:11Speaker 03

  His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.

• 38:17Speaker 04

  You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?

• 38:19Speaker 03

  I'm Josie Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Made up game time. After one hell of a run for the previous jingle, which was the, oh, what was the name? The men of? Many Men Sound System. The Many Men Sound System, thank you producer Michael, was fantastic. We have a new jingle from Dan in Norwich. "Hi to the kings of content. I've attached a new made up game song."

• 38:51Speaker 00

  Song?

• 38:53Speaker 02

  I'm flustered. John's flustered me. I've, I've attached-

• 38:57Speaker 00

  He's turned me on.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  Oh, good grief. Let's all go on separate holidays for a week.

• 39:07Speaker 00

  Tenerife, Dublin, I don't know, the Cape of Good Hope.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  Would in-ears have been different for you?

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Well, I probably wouldn't have seen them.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  No.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  From that distance.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  Okay. "I've attached a new made up game song in the style of an old Irish drinking song. I hope you enjoy. Love the show. Dan, Norwich. Hit it."

• 39:29Speaker 07

  Boys go into battle on a Tuesday every week. One is victorious, the other takes defeat. Some games are easy, some games are hard. Is a pint glass really bigger than a credit card? Let's play another, let's play a made up game.

• 39:54Speaker 07

  Made up games, made up games.

• 40:03Speaker 07

  Let's play another with John Robinson, Elis James.

• 40:11Speaker 07

  Made up games, made up games.

• 40:20Speaker 07

  Let's play another with John Robinson, Elis James.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Lovely. Reminded me a bit of the Waterboys.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Waterboys are in there.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  Yes, I enjoyed those.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  I Am Clute, if you know that band.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  I don't know that band.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Ah, reminded me of Barry Glendening.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  Did it?

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah. Lovely.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Brilliant stuff.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  I love music like that.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  Do check out Fisherman's Blues, that's a superb album.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  Okay, well, in which case, listen to Proof by I Am Clute. A fantastic song. Scores on the doors. Ellis has kicked off the third set with intent. Roundly thrashing John in last week's game, Historical Celebrity Cemetery. So it's currently 15 love in the first game of the third set. John is leading two sets to love, but is the comeback on? Have a bit of faith, man.

• 41:12Speaker 00

  It's just science, isn't it? I'm just, I said no because it's extremely evidence-based.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  No, but then there will be no sporting comebacks.

• 41:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is a big one.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  This is Istanbul.

• 41:21Speaker 00

  This, this is Istanbul.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  This week's game comes in from Andy. Hello. Big fan of the show and thought it was about time I contributed something. So here is a game I've called Autobiography Lexicography. Me and my brother often play this game at Christmas when we spot random celebrities on TV flogging their autobiographies. We revel in the titles of these books, some going down the name pun route. James May, may I have your attention, please?

• 41:55Speaker 02

  I was going with that.

• 41:55Speaker 00

  It's just funny. It is funny.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  It is, but he's trying to.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  He reacted like, and that's how his publisher would have wanted him.

• 42:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, because you get the attention. You know it's on the nose, but it's.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, you tend to get people's attention if you say, may I have your attention, please?

• 42:09Speaker 00

  It's not James May, my journey, is it?

• 42:13Speaker 02

  No, it's not. Others going down the job slash life pun route. Roger Moore, my word is my bond.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  It's less good. Just talking about all the times he's sort of kept his word.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  He's kept his promises.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  I said I would, I said I would return his carjacking to him, but two weeks later, it was in his front porch. I kept my word.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  A week after that, I asked to borrow a stepladder and the same thing happened again.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  I told my wife I would meet her from Heathrow Terminal 2 and I did.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  And I was there at 4.15, five minutes before I said I'd be there.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Okay. See, it works. That's what the book's about.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  I'm not breaking promises.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Very loyal man is Roger.

• 42:59Speaker 00

  He's so loyal.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  In each round, Dave will name a celebrity who has released an autobiography. All you have to do is guess what their book is called. Did they go down the pun alley, ala James May, or did they take the life slash job route like Roger Moore? Or have they gone off piece completely? Dave will award, here's where the scoring system works, okay? Dave will award two points if you are bang on with your answer.

• 43:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 43:25Speaker 02

  Or if no one gets hit, he'll award one point to the answer that most impresses him.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Well, are we trying to be funny or are we trying to be accurate?

• 43:32Speaker 02

  Good question.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  It's very unlikely that you'd guess my word is my bond, the Roger Moore story.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  I think, well. I think if you're confident that you think you can get it bang on, you're risking the humour.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 43:48Speaker 02

  So you are probably, well, it's a risky move, isn't it?

• 43:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  If you think you know it, and maybe you do know it.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  We've tried to make sure you wouldn't know them bang on, like as in you would already be familiar with it, but.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  So it's not my book, which is out this week?

• 43:59Speaker 02

  No, it's not.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  No, because we're all aware.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  So it's not Thirst, 12 Drinks That Changed My Life by John Robins?

• 44:04Speaker 02

  No.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  I mean, are Robins amongst the pigeons?

• 44:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  There's a much more.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Sort of what we're looking for.

• 44:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Mine got posted yesterday.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Did it?

• 44:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was good to get the email. To avoid any, uh, here we go, yes, so two points bang on, one point for the most impressive answer, to avoid any foul play and to keep the game about guessing rather than knowing. After Dave has named the celebrity, he will ask you both if you know what their book is called. If one of you does know the name, we will skip to another celebrity.

• 44:32Speaker 01

  Well, that's the point of the game.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Well, I think it, well.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  For instance, Craig Bellamy's book is called Goodfella.

• 44:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  But you would never get that. So if I said, oh, is it called Goodfella?

• 44:42Speaker 01

  The point is if we know, we get the points.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  Well, I think is if you, if you know ahead of the game. I suppose so, but this is about the creativity of the game.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  But it's not, because you get more points for getting it right.

• 44:55Speaker 02

  If you were to get it from the, from the celeb.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  So you have to get it right, but it has to be a guess.

• 45:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  For such, that's one of the vaguest things.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  You have to remember that John goes into W Smith's and learns autobiography.

• 45:08Speaker 01

  What's the capital of Brazil? But if you know, you don't get a point, but if you guess it bang on, you get two points.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Well, I think, because the game here is, the skill here is taking the celeb, taking what they do and working it out, rather than going, I actually know that, so it, it takes the fun out of it a bit.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  This.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  Stinks, does it?

• 45:27Speaker 01

  Okay, well, let's go.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Five rounds, most points at the end wins. Round one.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:36Speaker 02

  Alan Titchmarsh.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  Thing is, some of these you could try and do both, you could try and get it right and also try and be creative with it. I think Titchmarsh is in that sphere, in that arena. How are you, John?

• 45:49Speaker 00

  I'm good.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  John's got one, Ellis is scribbling.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  There's no way, is there?

• 45:55Speaker 02

  Right, I get the sense neither of these will be bang on, which means we're playing vibes. It's vibes in the area, Ellis.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  Titting about.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  John.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  A book about tits.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Cause he writes erotic fiction.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  And he's a gardener. And he's got tit in his name.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he write erotic fiction?

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  Does he?

• 46:25Speaker 02

  Does he?

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, loads.

• 46:26Speaker 02

  I did not know that.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  He's quite famous for that. He's won sort of those awards for bad erotic fiction.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:32Speaker 00

  The bad sex award, is that what it's called? Yeah.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  Milky white breasts, all that kind of stuff.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  Neither of them are right.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Really?

• 46:42Speaker 02

  And it's, alright, so which, which one do I? The one that scans a bit better for me is titting about. So I'm gonna give it to Ellis, but obviously it's a similar ballpark.

• 46:52Speaker 00

  I mean, can you, I reckon I-

• 46:54Speaker 01

  That was his other book.

• 46:55Speaker 00

  I don't dispute though, that in, as a joke, they said, should we call it a book about tits?

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. Okay. The book is called Trowel and Error.

• 47:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  It's 1-0 to Ellis. Round two.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  Actor, Shane Richie.

• 47:18Speaker 02

  John's in. John's locked in early. Ellis is in as well. I wonder whether, I wonder. Is there, is there, is there a same answer here coming from the two of you? Who knows? Shane Richie, John.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Rags to Richie.

• 47:32Speaker 02

  Ellis.

• 47:32Speaker 00

  Get Richie or die trying.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  John's bang on.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  It's rags to Richie.

• 47:42Speaker 00

  It was, yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  Great. Yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  If I'd had another 10 seconds, I reckon I'd have got rags to Richie.

• 47:53Speaker 02

  Would you?

• 47:54Speaker 00

  I just, I was so pleased with Get Richie or Die Trying.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Now, did you know, or did you just, did you have a stab in the dark?

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Why would I say?

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. You read it?

• 48:03Speaker 01

  I didn't, I have not, and I did not know.

• 48:08Speaker 02

  Trickier one here, for a few reasons. It's 1-1 as we go into the third round. Pop singer. 2-1, of course, because you've got two points there. Oh, he's, he's, yeah, he's, he's jumped into the lead. Round three, pop singer, Miley Cyrus. John's already scribbling.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  Are you being rude, John?

• 48:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  No, okay, good.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  How are you doing, Al?

• 48:44Speaker 00

  Well, not pleased with this at all.

• 48:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  I don't really know enough about her career to

• 48:50Speaker 00

  come up with a decent pun.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Ellis.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  Wrecking ball.

• 48:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, fine, fine. It's not the answer.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  Oh, because that was what I was, I was shooting for the moon there.

• 48:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, because you could just go, yeah, go down the route of the biggest thing in their career. John?

• 49:04Speaker 01

  But seriously.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  That's, yeah, yeah.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  This is Phil Collins' album.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 49:15Speaker 01

  But seriously.

• 49:16Speaker 02

  Oh, great. I didn't even know that.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  But seriously.

• 49:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  My first guess was Eight Mileys Cyrus, as in eight miles high, but that didn't make any sense.

• 49:24Speaker 02

  That doesn't make any sense, but, I mean, actually closer, weirdly, because the answer was Miles To Go is the name.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  That's rubbish.

• 49:32Speaker 02

  Unless maybe she's got a song called Miles To Go?

• 49:35Speaker 01

  Oh, maybe she has, but it doesn't sound like Miley.

• 49:38Speaker 02

  No. The, the point goes to John, but seriously. How? It has to.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  But seriously.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  It's more, it's, it's a bit more.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  If, if, she is an enormous star. If you were walking through W H Smith's at Paddington Station and you were like, oh, Miley Cyrus has got a book out and it's called But Seriously, so

• 50:00Speaker 02

  You would laugh so much.

• 50:02Speaker 00

  So many things would have had to have, so many procedures would have had to have failed for it to get

• 50:06Speaker 01

  Big photo of Phil Collins on the front.

• 50:09Speaker 00

  For it to have got to that stage.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  But it's a more, the, the

• 50:12Speaker 01

  It's a creative round.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  It's a creative round. He making people laugh.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  You're doing an Italian accent again. Hey.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  It's a bit, it's, it, they're both clever, they're both smart, but I think there's a, there's a few little references in there, which does make it pretty impressive and it's impressed me. So it's three, one. I think we've got, I might skip the next one because I think just one of them will know it. And if they don't know it, I think they'll both just get it. So I'm skipping.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  Do you want me to say which one I'm skipping?

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  Stuart Broad.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 50:46Speaker 02

  So I'm moving on. David Hasselhoff, Mitch Buchanan, of course. John's in. How are you, Ellis?

• 50:56Speaker 00

  Not pleased with it, but I've got an answer.

• 50:58Speaker 02

  You've got one.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  John.

• 51:01Speaker 01

  Hoff the Record.

• 51:02Speaker 00

  That's great.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Zero Hassle.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  I was trying, I was.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Well.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  Is Hoff the Rec- I would.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  No.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  I wouldn't be surprised if Hoff the Record was the name of his book.

• 51:16Speaker 02

  You're both wrong. The actual title is Don't Hassle the Hoff.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Of course. He used to say that, didn't he? I think.

• 51:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 51:25Speaker 00

  I've heard that phrase before.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  They're both good. I'm gonna go with Zero Hassle.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  Oh, thank you, Dave.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Um, which makes it three, two.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  Why, what would that say about an autobiography?

• 51:36Speaker 00

  He's very laid back.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  He's a laid back dude.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's no peril, there's no, nothing exciting about the book. Hoff the Record, wow.

• 51:44Speaker 00

  You're gonna get.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  Have you read this? It's sizzling.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, the stuff he says about Mitch Buchanan.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  Zero Hassle? What is it saying? There's not anything about him in it?

• 51:53Speaker 02

  No, it's not saying that, actually, John. It's not saying that.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  What is it saying, Dave? Who wants us to draw?

• 51:57Speaker 02

  No, I don't. No, I don't. It's saying.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Hoff the Record is a better answer, Dave.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Because, what are you doing, man?

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Dave, are you on drugs?

• 52:05Speaker 02

  What are you doing?

• 52:06Speaker 01

  You're mad, Dave.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  I'm not mad. He's not, he was not winning with that attitude.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  No, but I also, I love sporting integrity.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 52:13Speaker 00

  I actually think I do. I actually think I do this.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  Because David Hasselhoff's been through a few challenges in his life.

• 52:19Speaker 01

  And he's not writing about any of them in his book?

• 52:25Speaker 02

  No, he is.

• 52:26Speaker 00

  Hoff the Record is better.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  But he's fine. What he's saying is, hey, guys, there is no.

• 52:30Speaker 00

  It's a self-help book.

• 52:32Speaker 02

  It is no hassle for me. Zero Hassle.

• 52:34Speaker 00

  It's a self-help book and he doesn't get any hassle now, because he's.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  So it would need a tagline. It would need to be Zero Hassle, brackets, what I'm saying is, I'm talking about myself and telling you stories, but I'm not that bothered by it.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  And it's a self-help book.

• 52:48Speaker 01

  And it's a self-help book.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  By David Hassel.

• 52:50Speaker 02

  I've been through a bit of stuff. All right, guys.

• 52:52Speaker 00

  And it wasn't any hassle, actually.

• 52:53Speaker 02

  But you know what? At this stage of my life, it's, it's, it's more off the drugs back.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  It's quite a long subtitle.

• 52:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay, fine. I crashed my, I crashed my car, but it was zero hassle.

• 53:02Speaker 02

  It's three, two to John. My, my scoring is final.

• 53:07Speaker 02

  Now, which one do we end with? There's a few good ones here. Shane Warne.

• 53:14Speaker 02

  I'm taking a bit of a punt, because you might know it, but I don't know. I mean, Ellis needs a two pointer here to win.

• 53:21Speaker 01

  He's been on the blimmin' Ladbrokes Sports Book of the Year panel three times.

• 53:26Speaker 02

  And was this, was this ever on the Ladbrokes?

• 53:27Speaker 00

  No, I've never read Shinwon's autobiography.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  No.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  Although I would read it. Oh, yeah. Okay.

• 53:33Speaker 02

  Okay, Ellis.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Spin doctor.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 53:37Speaker 02

  Don't mind it. John?

• 53:39Speaker 01

  Don't shame, I didn't warn you.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  It's so nice for John to have a plan B if comedy goes wrong. He could be a sub-editor for a tabloid newspaper.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  It's almost like someone's saying it to him as well.

• 54:08Speaker 00

  Don't shame, I didn't warn you.

• 54:10Speaker 02

  Don't shame! Didn't warn you.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  Oh, goodness. Well, the answer is, so here's, here's the tricky thing. Again, the answer is closer to Ellis's, because it's no spin, my autobiography.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  I considered no spin, but I thought that's so boring.

• 54:26Speaker 02

  He's gone for it, because it's no spin.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  I actually wrote no spin down and crossed it out, but I just thought it was too dull for a...

• 54:34Speaker 01

  Well, it's not true.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  Well, exactly.

• 54:36Speaker 01

  That was literally what he did.

• 54:37Speaker 00

  But that's the thing.

• 54:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's very true.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  It's, it's don't shame, I didn't warn you, of course. For, for an entertaining title.

• 54:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 02

  I'm afraid. Which does mean, as much as we were all rooting for the draw, to take us two extra time.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  No spin, what would, would that have?

• 54:58Speaker 01

  You'd have got two points. You got two points.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, so that would have been a draw.

• 55:01Speaker 01

  As long as you didn't know it.

• 55:03Speaker 00

  I don't know it. I've not read his book.

• 55:05Speaker 02

  No, no, if you would, if you'd got, if you'd won that round with a correct answer, it'd have been 4-3 to you.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  Which, uh...

• 55:11Speaker 00

  Fun game, though.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  It is a fun game.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  It's a good game, actually.

• 55:14Speaker 02

  Louis Threw, gotta get through, through this.

• 55:16Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 55:17Speaker 02

  Um, Peter Crouch, walking tall. Gene Simmons, what's Gene Simmons is, do you think? Oh.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  It's just a kiss.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Close. Kiss and makeup.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Oh, very good.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Of course, that's a good one, yeah.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:31Speaker 01

  Well, don't tell us too many more, because we could do this game again.

• 55:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:34Speaker 00

  I enjoyed that game, actually.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  Well, thank you to Andy for Autobiography.

• 55:40Speaker 00

  Don't shame, I didn't warn you.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. Dave, we could even do this live on stage at Sheffield at the Crosswires Festival.

• 55:47Speaker 02

  What, on the 4th of July? Tickets still available.

• 55:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I think they're also still available to All My Friends, the official after-party.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  You get a discount if you go to Ellis and John and then to the official indie disco after-party afterwards.

• 55:58Speaker 00

  Very super drug.

• 55:58Speaker 02

  It's not.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  Dave, I'm moving to Sheffield just to make sure I don't miss it.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  But it's not just us, is it?

• 56:06Speaker 02

  Oh, hold on, we haven't got the script ready.

• 56:09Speaker 01

  Ellis and John are performing, but there's also the Grant Brothers. Tell me 10 things about your tummy and...

• 56:18Speaker 00

  Bonnets, the car podcast.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  The car podcast.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  Bonnets.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  And Uncanny, of course, is there.

• 56:31Speaker 00

  Uncanny, of course.

• 56:32Speaker 01

  And there's a new series of How Do You Cope? and my books out this Thursday.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  There is, well, we're in now, aren't we? What else do you want to plug whilst we're here?

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Just my book.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  John's book's out.

• 56:44Speaker 01

  And the audiobook.

• 56:45Speaker 00

  Distant Pods on BBC Sounds.

• 56:47Speaker 02

  Distant Pods on BBC Sounds. There is All My Friends in London on the 27th of June with Lou Sanders, Harriet Kemsley and Sophie Willan.

• 56:54Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  Well, that'd be good, yeah.

• 56:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:57Speaker 00

  And I, and I've got another anecdote, which I'll tell you later.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  And that's probably enough of that, John.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's enough of all of that. Maybe we'll play that game again. Do send in your games to [email protected]. Seek us out on the broader expanses of the Ellis and John cinematic universe.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  If you'd asked me, probably until about the age of 40, if I liked puns, I would have said no. But hanging out with you, it actually has made me really love a funny pun. Don't shame, I didn't warn you. It's gonna tickle me for an hour at least. I haven't, I've forgotten my book, so I've got nothing to read on the train home, but I'll just be laughing at that.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  It's really good. It's very good.

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Well, there we go. Thanks, everyone, for listening. It's been emotional and we will be back with you very, very soon.

• 57:46Speaker 00

  Absolutely. See you next week. Goodbye.

• 57:57Speaker 08

  Hello, this is Susie Ruffel. And Maisie Adam. And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it? Only the best podcast ever. Yeah. A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel. Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping too. Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy. Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content. And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John. Plus, you can find all things E J J R, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.