Pod Insights Distractible Bob's Top 5 (#2 Will Shock You!) About this episode He's making a list, and checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's bald or lacks height.
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Transcript 0:01 Speaker 00 Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.
0:30 Speaker 01 For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them and squeezed out the truth.
0:46 Speaker 02 (Singing) I'm a lemon.
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1:30 Speaker 04 This episode of Distractible is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay. How do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know.
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2:13 Speaker 06 Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.
2:19 Speaker 06 This episode, Beholden Bob calls cod, goes raiding, then ranks fun science facts. Microbial Mark mourns man's best friend for Henry. Mentions moonbows, questions wetness, a metallic camelopodarius. Whitening Wade upgrades his peen, blows away bushwhackers, sees glory holes, and fears Zeus's bolts. From humbling heaviness to cosmic latte. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's time for Bob's Top Five. Number two will shock you. Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
3:07 Speaker 05 Hello, everybody, and welcome back to your guinea pig's third favorite podcast. That's right, you're watching Distractible. And if you're listening, this intro is not for you, because we all know that you're the real heroes here. Hey, listeners, how you doing? Thanks so much for listening, I really appreciate you. I'm your host for this episode. My name is Bob. I've done this before, even though it, from my performance, you might question whether that's true. I have, I promise I have. I have won previous episodes. It is me, former winner Bob. And joined today by my co-hosts slash competitors, just like always, Mark and Wade. Hi, I'm Mark. Howdy doody. Wade's the one that said duty.
3:50 Speaker 05 Uh, if you've never seen the show before, the way this works is I am the host and I have like a game topic, and I'm gonna give out points, and then these two guys are trying to get points or not get points, because we've had a lot of golf rules. For how hard it is to do golf rules on this show, we've had a lot of golf rules coming out lately. This episode, my plan is for the highest number of points to win, but we'll see what the wheel has to say about that. And then whoever wins hosts the next one. That's the whole thing. The points are very strictly calculated. It's basically science. This is basically an experiment. It's tightly controlled. And, um, yeah, you'll see, once we get going, how it works. It's very, very carefully planned out. It's very thoughtful, and the points are very important. And, uh, the winner is a meaningful choice at the end, because it's science.
4:34 Speaker 05 But anyway, before we get into the game that I have planned, how you guys doing? How you been? We got sad small talk, you want that? You wanna kick this off with some depressing discussions? I'm here, I'm here to talk about whatever you want, man.
4:49 Speaker 04 Nah, I mean, I'm gonna talk about more later. Unfortunately, actually fortunately, or unfortunately, I'm not sure which way to to go about it. But this week is also the fifth anniversary of Unusana.
5:03 Speaker 05 Oh, wow.
5:04 Speaker 04 So we've had to plan that. And it's what's what's interesting about it's like we at first was like, holy shit. This is a whole bunch to deal with right now with Henry and the movie and all of it sprinting and and having to stop and all these things. And then Unusana is being like, oh shit, we gotta do that. But it reminded us very much about doing Unusana, or maybe me, I might be putting thoughts into their minds. But it's I was I was thinking about it a lot and just kind of, oh, we did this when COVID happened. And in the moment, it's like, you know, you never know how it was gonna be. And then we're just gotta plow through no matter what. And then we we finish with ways. So we, by the time people have seen this, they've already seen what we did. So we had planned it for a while.
5:48 Speaker 04 And then we did it and it was great. But it's like, right now, when I'm recording this, we haven't done it yet. So I'm hoping that everything I'm saying is true.
5:58 Speaker 05 This is gonna be so funny when someone is like, oh, wait, can we put, oh, no, can we do it then? Next week, wait, sorry.
6:06 Speaker 04 But it's been a time.
6:08 Speaker 05 No, man, that's crazy, though. Five, so five years ago, it started. Yeah, November of 2020 would have been when it ended, right? Because you guys started in November of 2019.
6:18 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:19 Speaker 05 Right before everything bad happened in the pandemic.
6:22 Speaker 04 Yeah, so it's it's technically been six years since we started it. Five years since its death. And so we have kind of had a loose plan. But then all the plans are you kind of get to the where you're like, oh, shit, we gotta execute upon the plan. Ah, how do we do this? So, yeah, it's it's been it's been a time, lot of stuff going on.
6:44 Speaker 04 Lots of things happening and then the emotional burden of, you know, losing Henry has been pretty tough. But the work's been distracting and uh, we've, uh, we've been moving forward from that. You know, not a lot of people realize, like I've had Chica for nine years. We've had Henry for seven.
7:00 Speaker 05 Wow, really?
7:01 Speaker 04 Henry's been there a lot longer than people think, but uh, yeah, so it was, it was real tough.
7:07 Speaker 07 There've been a lot of those year realizations, like whenever um, you guys had the wedding. The fact that you and Amy had been together for a decade blew my mind. I was like, no, it's been like three, seven, ten, ten's the number.
7:20 Speaker 04 Actually, it'd be pretty close to having uh, Chica for ten.
7:23 Speaker 05 I gotta, I gotta look up when, when I got her. I should probably know that, but. Eh, it's been so long. It's easy to forget.
7:31 Speaker 04 So uh, I will have or will talk more about that, but with Amy, cause you know, I wanna, I wanna talk about Henry with Amy, so.
7:38 Speaker 05 That's so many things going on.
7:40 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of things, but it's okay. We're managing. There's, there's other people here to help and, and this is nice to just get back into doing this.
7:47 Speaker 05 How are you, Wayne?
7:49 Speaker 07 And what a time to segue to game of the year. Is it gonna be Ark Raiders or Expedition 33? I know what Shroud says.
8:02 Speaker 07 Guys, I've got relevant conversation.
8:05 Speaker 04 What does Shroud say? What does Shroud said?
8:08 Speaker 07 Oh, single player, brrrr. Only multiplayer should, Call of Duty 28 or Expedition 33? No, Ark Raiders, woo.
8:20 Speaker 05 On the day this episode comes out, the new Call of Duty, what, Black Ops 7 comes out? Calling it now, that's game of the year.
8:28 Speaker 07 If they'd given us an ad read, maybe, but they didn't, so.
8:32 Speaker 05 All streamers are going to con, con, uh, conclude together. Call of Duty Black Ops 7, game that doesn't even exist yet, instant game of the year, instant classic. All you need is more Warzone, baby.
8:47 Speaker 05 I have been playing a bit of Ark Raiders. It's very fun.
8:50 Speaker 07 When I first started playing, I don't know if it was because I was in like the safer areas, but there was a lot of like friendly people. It was a PvP game where you'd run into people that were just like, "Hey, I'm frie- I don't shoot, I'm friendly. I'm just, listen, I'm just collecting flowers. Just getting some flowers." And we were like, "Yeah, hey, we just need some olives and pears. Olives and pears. We're cool."
9:07 Speaker 04 That's nice.
9:08 Speaker 07 But the longer I've been playing, I've found more people that are just like, "Hey, we're friendly, but be careful. Those guys back there betrayed us. Oh, they'd overwet." "We got you, loser." Uh, so we've had a couple of those moments lately where people have pretended to be nice and then immediately betrayed.
9:22 Speaker 05 Fun, fun. I love that in a game where you don't really gain very much by killing other players, you just do it to be for funs.
9:30 Speaker 07 Typically, they've got, they could have better loot on them because they've already been looting around, but-
9:34 Speaker 05 But also, you could potentially just get nothing and just, anyway, I saw a bit that I really want to do in Ark Raiders. I saw this guy posting clips where he goes to the extracts and just stands out on top and is like, "I will protect you. Everyone come to my, I am the extract hero." And, and like his whole bit is just like the opposite of extract camping where he's like, "This is a safe one. Come here and extract." And like, I want to be that guy because that's hilarious.
10:03 Speaker 04 That is nice. That is nice.
10:05 Speaker 07 Is it kind of like Rust in a way? It's PVE. It's like Rust when it first came out that had zombies.
10:11 Speaker 05 Do you know enough about like Escape from Tarkov?
10:14 Speaker 07 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think-
10:15 Speaker 05 It's kind of like a more casual, less like military sim Tarkov. It's like third person and you don't have, you know, 90 types of ammo and all this, but you have simplified like weapons and stuff, but the, the gameplay loop is there are robots on the map and it's PVE, but also you can PvP, but you really don't have to. And like, I've had experiences where I was in with, I was in a duo and we ran into another duo and we were like, "Well, we're cool. Don't shoot." And then they were just like, "Let's go kill a big robot." And we went and found a big like walking spider leaper robot and we, that was the first time any of us had killed one and then we extracted together. It was super cool. It's fun. But there's, there's been plenty of douchebags also who are just there to-
10:59 Speaker 07 Yeah.
10:59 Speaker 05 Ruin your time and-
11:00 Speaker 07 What?
11:00 Speaker 05 PvP. It's part of the game. I'm not going to be one of those people who's like, "You shouldn't do it." I just don't care for it.
11:06 Speaker 07 There's a map called Blue Gate. In the center of Blue Gate, there's like an olive garden. It's not Olive Garden. What's it called? Olive?
11:13 Speaker 05 Olive Garden.
11:14 Speaker 07 It's called Olive something. I don't know. It's the place where your family.
11:17 Speaker 05 Oh, are you thinking of Maggiano's Little Italy?
11:20 Speaker 07 It might be, Tarizano's.
11:22 Speaker 05 Oh, okay.
11:23 Speaker 07 Uh, but no, there's like a little field of like trees where you go to get olives or apricots or lemons. It's just like a, a.
11:30 Speaker 05 Oh, you meant, you meant that there's olive tree.
11:34 Speaker 07 Yeah, but the place is actually called Olive something.
11:37 Speaker 05 Olive Orchard?
11:39 Speaker 07 Park Raiders.
11:40 Speaker 05 Olive Patch?
11:41 Speaker 07 Blue Gate Olive.
11:44 Speaker 05 Olive Garden.
11:46 Speaker 07 Olive Grove. Apparently it's called Olive, the Olive Grove. I thought it was called Olive Garden. My bad. They, they did have breadsticks when I was there, but. Anyway, we, we went to this Olive Grove. It's like central in the map and in order to upgrade your cock, which you have to do in this game.
12:01 Speaker 05 Yep. You do want to do that.
12:03 Speaker 07 What? Huh? What? Say again. What? You have to feed it. And at one point you need apricots and, uh, lemons. And then later on you need olives and mushrooms and more apricot, whatever. So a lot of the stuff you need is in this Olive Grove and we went there and five teams converged there at once. And everyone was pretty chill, except for one group and we didn't really know what was happening. So we hear, we hear one group that's like fighting. We think they're fighting robots. And then one guy runs over to us. He's like, hey, those people over there, do not trust that group. They said they were cool and then they weren't. Uh, okay. Uh, that's cool, man. We're just here to grab some olives.
12:43 Speaker 07 Yeah, yeah. It's what we were here for too, but they, they went crazy for some reason. All right. Well, we'll keep an eye out, but we're just going to go loot. And then he kind of ran off and we hear like him run back and he's like screaming. He's like, oh God, look out the leaper. Shoot it, shoot it. And we're like, it's not even mad right now. Why would we shoot it? And so I'm going to loot something. Basically the dude lied. He was trying to bait us into shooting the leaper. So the robots would attack us so he could kill us and loot us. And then he tried that and then another team came over after the dude tried to betray us and we downed him. And then he told the team, he was like, hey, these guys aren't cool. These guys told me they were friendly and they shot me. And we're like, this dude came over here like. You guys can resume if you want. We're not dealing with him. No, he tried to betray us. He tried to get us to fight the leaper.
13:28 Speaker 07 But the dude was, he was selling so hard, every story, no one believed him. It's like all these teams kept converging. He was like crawling around on the ground like, hey, these guys betrayed me. And none of us were having it. They're like, we ran into them earlier. They were cool, man. Uh, we're not gonna screw with them. Ah, come on, I got like, and then he just died. And we kept lootin' our olives. He just died. Yeah, but he was really committed to the bit. That's really funny. Anyway, Arc Raiders, not game of the year, unless. Unless Shroud says so.
14:01 Speaker 00 Born from the intensity of a night in the Eternal City. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin, and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver, and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.
14:29 Speaker 01 The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7-Up is fighting back with their new Lime Lemon Soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up, flip the sip.
15:01 Speaker 07 This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered, it's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door and, cause they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI, I'm not a hundred percent sure. Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will, we're on our way. Uber, on our way. Download the app today.
15:33 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, you guys want to play a little game?
15:35 Speaker 04 Sure, sure. Oh, should we make a disclaimer that we're trying to catch up on episodes? So the episodes for the next few episodes are going to be a little shorter than usual. We're just trying to make sure that we get back up and running without having to blow everything up.
15:53 Speaker 05 Today's game is called 20 Fast Questions.
15:57 Speaker 04 Oh, no.
15:58 Speaker 05 No, I'm just fucking with you. I was originally gonna call it that, but it's I'm not doing that. No, this this game, I found this list and it's one of those lists of like, oh, it's 158 fun facts. It will blow your mind. And I started reading it and almost none of them blew my mind. But I did find five fun facts that I thought were interesting enough that I was like, ah, cool. And so I made a list. I made a tier list, you could say. I made a ranking. One through five of these five fun facts, and I want you guys to see if you can match how I ranked them. We're going to talk about the fun facts real quick and then you're just going to make your list. So there's five things. So it's one through five, one being the highest, five being the lowest.
16:40 Speaker 05 We're just gonna talk about them. And then at the end, I will give your ranked list a score. And then that will be how we determine who wins.
16:48 Speaker 04 Okay, so pretend I wasn't listening to the first half of that. The the most important information, pretend I wasn't wrestling with getting a cable off the ground. Five things, five things, five things, five things, five things. Okay, five things.
17:03 Speaker 05 I have a list and they're ranked one through five. One is good, five is less good.
17:08 Speaker 04 Okay.
17:09 Speaker 05 I'm we're gonna talk about them and you guys are gonna rank them. That's the whole thing. At the end, I have a system.
17:13 Speaker 04 More in there.
17:14 Speaker 05 No, no, I just at the end, I have a system for I'm gonna score your your lists. That's it. Fact number one, a rainbow on Venus is called a glory. I really wish it was on Uranus that it was called a glory, but a rainbow on Venus, which is not the planet Uranus, is called a glory, appearing as a series of colored concentric rings. These are caused by the interference of light waves within droplets rather than by reflection, refraction, and dispersion of light, which is how a rainbow is made on Earth. So they look similar because it basically breaks the light out into rainbow of colors, breaks it out, and it looks like a rainbow, kind of, but it's called a glory.
17:59 Speaker 05 That's pretty cool, right?
18:00 Speaker 07 Yeah. Yeah, I just got caught up and you know how the rainbow is kind of like a bridge in design?
18:05 Speaker 05 Sure, sure.
18:06 Speaker 07 Is that a glory hole?
18:08 Speaker 05 Well, an Earth rainbow is a glory bridge, but a Venus rainbow is a glory hole.
18:13 Speaker 04 All rainbows are circles, but we only see part of it. That's why a moonbow, you can see a full circle.
18:21 Speaker 05 Is that a thing?
18:22 Speaker 07 Yeah, a moonbow. Yeah, you've never seen a moonbow? I played Franbow back in the day.
18:28 Speaker 04 That's good. We give him a point. Hey, I'm just here, man.
18:34 Speaker 07 Well, I was. I'll be right back.
18:35 Speaker 05 All right.
18:36 Speaker 04 Uh, if you see a moonbow, uh, usually it's easier to see with the full moon. And if it's straight up in the sky, you can see a full halo, uh, around. Um, which is like, when you think about the rainbow, it's not just a structure, it's not just a bow. It's not just that. It would continue if the earth wasn't in the way.
18:56 Speaker 05 What causes that on the moon, though? Is it our atmosphere causing that? Cause there's no atmosphere on the moon, right?
19:03 Speaker 04 So. Yeah, it's the same thing. You need the same kind of similar, uh, scenario. You need like moisture in the atmosphere, um, but enough to not be blocked and it can hit it. It's, it's very pretty when it happens. Last time I saw it, I was up in Idlewild with Amy.
19:18 Speaker 05 I've never seen that. That sounds really cool.
19:21 Speaker 04 It is. It's very cool. Yeah. But you gotta, like, you could be out at night, you know? I don't know how many times you're out at night looking up at the moon.
19:28 Speaker 05 I do, I honestly, I do that. I like having like, I have a fire pit. You sit out, you have a fire, you look at. I'm in a, an area in Cincy where like it's pretty, there's a lot of light pollution. So I don't get like the best view of stuff, but I do like looking at, when we used to go camping in Northern Michigan, going down by the water and just staring up at the sky, cause you could see satellites. You could, if the ISS was like in the right location, you could see the ISS go overhead. It's very cool. I used to do it all the time. Never saw a moonbow. That's one of the five things you have no reference right now, but could pick a spot for where you think that might be. But the next fun, well, Wade's not here. Let's talk about it without him.
20:04 Speaker 04 Okay.
20:04 Speaker 05 The next fun fact is that fish form orderly
20:09 Speaker 05 in emergencies.
20:11 Speaker 04 Hmm.
20:12 Speaker 05 Scientists have observed that schools of neon tetra fish when evacuating through narrow passages in sketchy or otherwise, uh, like dangerous situations where they're trying to escape from something. They will form an organized queue so that they don't run into each other and clog up the little passageway. And they stay organized even while they're panicking and escaping until they're all escape safely.
20:39 Speaker 04 That is interesting.
20:41 Speaker 07 Are these all true?
20:42 Speaker 05 Uh, I'm not gonna say I went and found all of the, uh, academic papers, but these are all purportedly true things. And I'm realizing now they're all generally kind of sciencey things. Cause I guess the only facts I find interesting are science facts.
20:58 Speaker 07 Did we learn anything other than Uranus rainbows?
21:01 Speaker 05 I don't know. You weren't here, so.
21:03 Speaker 07 I had to help someone who was lost.
21:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, okay.
21:07 Speaker 07 Well, they were delivering my food.
21:09 Speaker 05 Well, uh, so we did the Venus rainbow, Venus glories. And then the one Mark and I just talked about. And now we're gonna do the third fact, third fun fact. Did you know that water might not be wet? This is a philosophical one.
21:25 Speaker 04 I've heard that, yeah.
21:27 Speaker 05 This, but this is a scientific perspective on it. Most scientists would define wetness as a liquid's ability to maintain contact with a solid surface. So like a towel is wet because, because of surface tension and other qualities of the towel. The water stays absorbed into it, right? It's connected to that solid surface. That means water's not a solid surface and water just is water. There is no water on water. Water is water. So water can't be wet then if by this definition from this perspective, potentially.
22:03 Speaker 04 Yeah, I've heard this before too. And I think where this rubs people wrong is there's a generally accepted life experience with water that it in almost every scenario where a human is interacting with water, makes things wet, feels wet, is generally wet. So for it's, you know, it's like, it's like Pluto, you know? You're technically right, of course, but everyone's life experience had Pluto being the planet. Anyway, it's
22:34 Speaker 07 You can't get our nine pizzas without Pluto.
22:37 Speaker 05 How is eight pizzas any worse than nine?
22:39 Speaker 07 So how's that?
22:50 Speaker 05 You're right.
22:51 Speaker 07 No, I think you broke a spark plug in my brain.
22:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, so it's like I, I, they can be technically right all they want. It really won't change people's experience with when dealing with water. They're not going to go like, oh, don't worry, that water's not wet. Don't be afraid.
23:10 Speaker 05 But it, but it's not wet, Mark.
23:12 Speaker 04 Cause it's certainly not dry.
23:14 Speaker 07 Water needs to be wet.
23:16 Speaker 05 Just because it makes you wet, doesn't mean that the water is wet.
23:20 Speaker 04 But would it be considered dry then? If it's not wet, is it dry?
23:25 Speaker 05 The water is dry until it interacts with a solid surface, but then the water is still dry. What's it? This is the question. We need to come up with a definition for when water has physical objects in it. The water makes things wet. What do things make water?
23:44 Speaker 04 One of my spark plugs.
23:46 Speaker 05 Oh, no, no, you're just, oh, we're losing so many spark plugs on this one.
23:50 Speaker 04 Come on.
23:51 Speaker 07 This is a terrible fact. I hate this.
23:53 Speaker 05 I love this. It's a fun fact. Wait, it's a philosophical discussion.
23:57 Speaker 07 But a bad one. Listen, there's bad philosophy.
24:00 Speaker 05 There's no such thing. Well, I'm not going to say that. All right. Fun fact, number four. Did you know giraffes are 30 times more likely to get hit by lightning than human people?
24:11 Speaker 04 Makes sense.
24:12 Speaker 05 While there are only five actual well documented fatal lightning strikes on giraffes between 1996 and 2010, due to the population of giraffes being just 140,000 during that timeframe roughly, that makes it about point 003 lightning deaths per thousand giraffes each year, which is 30 times more than the fatality rate for human beings. Is it because they're tall? Probably right.
24:41 Speaker 04 Yeah, I was, oh, I thought you were gonna bait and switch us like it's not because they're tall.
24:44 Speaker 05 Giraffes live primarily in like deserts, I believe, where there isn't stuff. If giraffes lived in a city where there are, you know, 10 plus story buildings all over. I don't know if their height difference between them and humans really does much. But they live in a world where they're the tallest thing for a long, for miles around most, a lot of the time.
25:05 Speaker 07 Don't they live in savannas?
25:07 Speaker 05 They don't live in Georgia, Wade.
25:09 Speaker 04 Oh.
25:10 Speaker 05 Cause, nevermind. Is it, is it savannas? I mean, are, I'm, am I still correct though? There's not like a lot of like tall forests and stuff, right? There's.
25:18 Speaker 07 No, no, they're, they're very open. There's not a lot of trees.
25:20 Speaker 04 Yeah. Relatively arid, I think, um, not necessarily jungle. Although I suppose it could, I don't know if anything's stopping them.
25:29 Speaker 05 Yeah, I have no idea what the actual defined habitat of a giraffe is. It could be include jungles or things, but.
25:35 Speaker 07 Oh, they live in Chad, no, from Chad to North, South Africa.
25:40 Speaker 04 What's annoying is the places where there's color where they are, they cover the name of that country. And I don't know my geography. This is useless.
25:49 Speaker 05 You've got to find another map, map of words. And then compare map of giraffes to map of words. Anyway, I do think there's some, there's some bias in that because giraffes live in a place where they're easily the tallest thing. And humans, humans are never the tallest thing. The world that we've created, even if it's like a nomadic people. Humans live in, you know, uh, I believe in Mongolia, they live in these big like traveling like yurt. Things where they, you know, there are, there are societies where they're nomadic and they travel. But they still live in a structure that they erect that's way taller than people are.
26:27 Speaker 07 Savannas and woodlands, usually in like grasslands. South and Western Africa?
26:34 Speaker 05 My other theory was that giraffes might be partially made of metal. Maybe in 1987, all giraffes were replaced by the government and it's actually a conspiracy.
26:43 Speaker 07 Really good iron intake in those leaves.
26:46 Speaker 04 Which government?
26:47 Speaker 05 The government, the world government, Mark.
26:51 Speaker 04 The world government? Okay. All right. Okay.
26:54 Speaker 05 Obviously the one run by the lobster people.
26:58 Speaker 04 Maybe something they're doing is generating static electricity.
27:02 Speaker 05 I don't know. I just imagine all the giraffes like shuffling their feet. Like giraffes don't pick their, they're all just like. And they're always really, really zappy because they shuffle around a lot.
27:13 Speaker 07 Is that why like the fur on their neck stands up? It's the static? Doesn't?
27:17 Speaker 05 Probably.
27:17 Speaker 07 I don't know.
27:19 Speaker 04 Well, they do have those two protruding things. It's very lightning rod-esque.
27:23 Speaker 05 Oh, that's true. Maybe that's some sort of alien technology.
27:28 Speaker 04 Maybe they, once upon a time, were able to cast lightning, like channel it from their horns and zap it out. Like to kill their prey. The great predators.
27:41 Speaker 05 Well, they were such great predators that they killed all the prey and now they're vegetarians because they ran out of stuff to, things to eat.
27:48 Speaker 07 Okay, if I was walking next to Mark and it was thunder and lightning, I would feel more in danger than I would think Mark would be because I'm closer to the lightning strike.
27:57 Speaker 05 Closer to God, closer to death.
27:59 Speaker 07 So maybe the giraffes, and maybe it is the height thing, because their heads are always in those very conductive branches.
28:05 Speaker 05 If they're wet.
28:07 Speaker 07 Stop it, Bob.
28:12 Speaker 04 His British is coming out all over the place.
28:15 Speaker 05 Man, he's just leaking accents today.
28:17 Speaker 07 No, his wet comment made me mad because of the water one.
28:20 Speaker 05 Was that a, was that an always sunny reference or is that not a thing?
28:24 Speaker 07 I've not seen that.
28:25 Speaker 05 There's, okay, there's a scene in that show where, oh, Charlie Day's character is doing something completely insane. And then the, the other guy just goes in a voice that's not his normal voice at all, goes, "Stop it, Charlie." It is really fucking weird and out of pocket. I guess that's just a funny thing funny guys do. I guess you're just funny in that way.
28:46 Speaker 07 Thank you.
28:47 Speaker 05 All right, this is the last fact.
28:49 Speaker 07 Oh, second to last, right?
28:51 Speaker 05 Nope. Then you'll all have to rank all these facts we've been talking about this whole time. The universe has an average color. We all know how Mark likes to do math with colors and how hilarious it is when we have to compare the color of our shirt to the color of our backgrounds.
29:07 Speaker 04 I love it. You know, I love it.
29:08 Speaker 05 Astronomers have found that the light coming from galaxies averages out into a, an off-white color that they have decided to call cosmic latte.
29:22 Speaker 05 The color of the universe is cosmic latte.
29:28 Speaker 04 Okay, so they decided this based on the average wavelength of light.
29:35 Speaker 05 This is the average wavelength of emitted light as far as we can observe.
29:40 Speaker 04 Again, this is one of those things where it's like this very similar to the water is wet situation because a thing's color is based on its reflected light, right?
29:51 Speaker 05 Sure.
29:52 Speaker 04 But in the universe, most of it is nothing. So you would, you would have to base it on the number of reflective surfaces as opposed to anything. But maybe that is majority. I don't know.
30:04 Speaker 05 I have to, I have to assume that they remove the empty parts, right? Like this was clearly they, they, they got rid of the outliers, which would include anything where there's nothing that they can sense, like the black parts of the, of the sky are not black light. They're just no, no light to be observed. I feel like this has to be an average of what they're like things that are actually bouncing light towards whatever sensors, telescopes, whatever they're using.
30:32 Speaker 04 I suppose.
30:34 Speaker 07 Cosmic latte is just cream.
30:36 Speaker 05 Yeah, it is. It sounds really cool. Like if you, if someone was like, what color is cosmic latte? In my head, I would imagine all sorts of stuff. Uh, it's just like beige.
30:45 Speaker 07 It's literally like that thing your grandparents own that they've had for 40 years. That was painted white originally, but it's faded and old and gross looking now.
30:54 Speaker 05 Yeah. Well, so listen, the, the reality of what the color is doesn't need to spoil the fact that it's called, I just like that it's called cosmic latte. I think that's really funny. I think that's a good color. I want to paint my house cosmic latte because then I can tell this very boring story to everyone who comes over to my house. Don't yawn at me.
31:15 Speaker 04 Sorry, just so bored.
31:17 Speaker 05 All right. Now that we've all, all of us have talked about all five of these insanely fun facts.
31:23 Speaker 07 Yeah, I've got them ranked.
31:24 Speaker 05 Yeah, you're done.
31:25 Speaker 07 Oh, done. Yeah.
31:26 Speaker 04 Wait, is five the least interesting?
31:29 Speaker 07 Yeah.
31:29 Speaker 05 Yeah, one is the the top, the most interesting.
31:32 Speaker 07 I should have told you. We should have left you to decide, because I.
31:35 Speaker 05 I already said that a bunch of times.
31:37 Speaker 07 Exactly. So we should have repeated it again.
31:39 Speaker 04 We'll repeat for Mark.
31:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, he didn't leave. He just doesn't listen. That's different.
31:45 Speaker 07 I had to. My food was lost, and there's nothing I care about more in life than food. Well, that might be true.
31:51 Speaker 05 Damn.
31:51 Speaker 07 I don't know.
31:52 Speaker 05 I text Molly real quick.
31:54 Speaker 07 Food's kind of important. I tell her. I like to think the same is true for.
31:58 Speaker 05 All right. Well, wait, if yours is ready, Mark is still figuring. What is your list, Wade?
32:03 Speaker 07 All right, one to five or five to one? Which one do you want me to go in?
32:05 Speaker 05 Go five to one. Colin, let's make it fun.
32:08 Speaker 07 Number five, water isn't wet.
32:11 Speaker 05 All right.
32:12 Speaker 07 Four, universe average color is cosmic latte.
32:15 Speaker 05 All right.
32:16 Speaker 07 Number three, don't know, wasn't here for it. Number two, giraffes are 30 times more likely to get hit by lightning.
32:23 Speaker 05 All right.
32:23 Speaker 07 Number one, you guys will never guess, the Venus Glory Hole.
32:28 Speaker 05 All right.
32:30 Speaker 07 What a beautiful list.
32:31 Speaker 04 Uh, well, don't say anything until you hear my list.
32:33 Speaker 07 Boo.
32:35 Speaker 04 Okay, well, I didn't boo your list.
32:38 Speaker 07 You probably weren't listening to it.
32:40 Speaker 04 I wasn't, actually. I don't remember. I remember what you started with, because you had number four, what my number five is. So number five for me is cosmic latte, because.
32:50 Speaker 05 Number five is cosmic latte. Got it?
32:52 Speaker 04 Because who cares?
32:56 Speaker 05 All right. Why did that even make my list? You're right.
32:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's something a scientist like, I've called you all to this meeting to declare.
33:07 Speaker 04 It's beige.
33:12 Speaker 04 Not even a clap. So that's, I don't give a shit. I thought that the next one would be water might not be wet, but it's not. Because I'm basing this on what makes me ask more questions, or what leads to further queries or stuff like that. And giraffes more likely to strike by lightning just as like, uh huh. Yeah, they're tall. That makes sense. Really, that goes to say with the latte.
33:40 Speaker 05 So that's.
33:42 Speaker 04 I've called you out of this meeting. I've deduced years of research. I've discovered that giraffes are more likely to be struck by lightning. And everyone would be like, ah, and then leave, you know? The TED Talk that is these things.
33:58 Speaker 05 Sure, sure.
33:59 Speaker 04 So in third, it's water might not be wet because people would get, you'd get a response after the, I've declared water might not be, because every, the audience would be like, boo.
34:13 Speaker 04 Why'd you waste your grant money on this? Then they'd leave, right?
34:17 Speaker 05 Okay, okay.
34:19 Speaker 04 Number two is actually rainbow on Venus is called the glory because I think that that's cool. It's interesting. It's a totally different way to get a rainbow. You put that at number one? No, that's number two. No, I know, but you put that at number one? Yeah, I did. And I'll tell you why. Unbelievable. That's clearly a number three. You get, you get the, the, the, you get the question of like, oh, that's cool. There's a different way to make a rainbow, but with fish, this TED Talk was going to be fascinating. Cause this guy has to start with how he put these fish in emergency situations. What fire did he light in that fish tank to get them to do a fire drill?
35:01 Speaker 04 How did they, why was, how many fish didn't make it out of the exit in the orderly queue? Like, what was the emergency? I have so many questions, like, what is the behavior that causes them to form an orderly queue? What defines an orderly queue? One fish at another stretched out? Do they loop? Do they have turnstiles? Do they have the winding cues like in the theme park? I have so many questions. I believe that that would be a very interesting TED Talk. And whoever did this research has got to be an interesting person. They would make that TED Talk entertaining.
35:31 Speaker 05 When the fire starts in the aquarium, these fish get out the stanchions and know how, know how to set up DSA line that wraps efficiently.
35:40 Speaker 04 No, that's clearly a number three. That's what I was thinking this whole time.
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36:45 Speaker 05 Alright, hang on, just doing some final math here.
36:50 Speaker 07 Mark, you put up a good fight.
36:52 Speaker 05 Thank you.
36:54 Speaker 07 You're welcome.
36:56 Speaker 05 The way that I scored this, which I'm sure by explaining this, I will make someone really angry and they'll tell me why this is terrible scoring system, is that for each ranking that you did, I basically subtracted a point for each spot away from my rank that you were. So I have a whole, I have some math on the page. I think Cosmic Latte is gonna cost us.
37:18 Speaker 07 Not knowing that Fish were doing fire drills might kill me.
37:21 Speaker 05 I will say, I had Cosmic Latte at number one. Purely because I really like that the name is so interesting sounding and the fact is so fucking stupid. I think that's really funny. It's not a fun fact because of the fact. It's a fun fact because you know that those scientists were like, "Oh, we have the perfect name. Cosmic La- Cosmic Latte." But, and that's the only interesting thought they've ever had. But it's really funny. So yeah, that one's gonna cause, that one stirred up a little bit.
37:52 Speaker 07 Mark, I like your list more than that. Nice.
37:55 Speaker 04 Thank you. He's a fool.
37:57 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, look, we all had our own reasons and only one of us gets to give points. Mark, you got points for fifthest honest, being a busy boy, explaining to me what a moonbow was, allowing for me that I was technically correct, even though that's stupid, and zappy giraffes. Wade, you earned points for promoting shroud, encountering that bad liar in Arc Raiders, having played Fran Bo because Mark said I should give you a point for that. This is why we can't get, or we can't get our nine pizzas without Pluto, and then the subsequent head explosion when I said eight is just as good.
38:34 Speaker 04 Yeah.
38:35 Speaker 05 And saying, "Stop it, Bob," or whatever the fuck you said.
38:39 Speaker 04 Stop it, Bob!
38:39 Speaker 05 Yeah, whatever. And then for the lists, Mark, you lost 10 points.
38:46 Speaker 04 Jeez.
38:49 Speaker 05 My list, my list was cosmic latte, fish or forming queues, giraffes are 30 times more likely to get struck by lightning, rainbow and venus is called a glory, and water might not be wet. So, Mark, you lost 10 points, based on my math.
39:03 Speaker 04 There's only a potential of 11 lost points from that. How bad did I fuck it?
39:09 Speaker 05 You could have done better.
39:10 Speaker 04 Oh, no.
39:12 Speaker 05 Wade, you lost 8 points. Making the final score, Wade with 0 and Mark with negative 2.
39:24 Speaker 04 Actually, I did my math right. There's only a potential 10. I did the except first.
39:30 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, I, I don't know if this will help anyone who's out there listening or watching, but I had, so the way I kept track of this is I had mine 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and then Mark's was 2, 4, 5, 3, 1. You pretty much optimized it to lose the maximum amount of points that you could. Wade's saving grace was that he got that water might not be wet was the was the least interesting fact on that one. He lost zero points for the fact that water might not be wet.
39:57 Speaker 07 Oh, that's good. It's so awful. What a horrible waste of life someone did to come up with that idea.
40:04 Speaker 05 It's not over yet. It's not over till it's over.
40:08 Speaker 07 No, golf rules are still in play.
40:11 Speaker 05 I mean, honestly, Mark's only down by two, like.
40:14 Speaker 04 That's a totally, I've done it before.
40:16 Speaker 07 Now, the wheel's only gonna give us one today.
40:18 Speaker 05 How many bonus spins shall we have? I'd put my money on three based on the way this wheel operates. And you know it's gotta be three. Three, baby.
40:30 Speaker 07 I'll take three more points.
40:31 Speaker 05 Oh, I have to add a thing to the wheel. As prepared as I was for this, I did not. Uh, is is funnest fact and an absolute or a thing on here?
40:41 Speaker 04 I don't think so. Yeah, no, that's that's actually a good one. I feel like most of us could bring a fun fact.
40:46 Speaker 05 Funnest fact. All right, we currently have seventy six wheel options. Apparently it now supports up to two thousand plus, so this wheel will last us for quite some time. And we have three spins. Spin number one is
41:04 Speaker 05 monkey's paw curls. Oh, what was that one? Was that that we increased the the percentage on the on the one man show?
41:13 Speaker 07 I thought that was actually called that.
41:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, there's something that's actually called that. I think that just means something terrible happens somewhere in the world.
41:21 Speaker 05 Oh, that's it. We're just catching that in. We're just the monkey's paw curls. Something bad happened. Got it.
41:28 Speaker 04 If if I believe that was the thing, but we don't know if if we're wrong about that subreddit, correct us. If we're right, we're sorry.
41:37 Speaker 07 Either way, we're sorry.
41:39 Speaker 05 I'm sure it wasn't that bad. I'm sure it wasn't that bad. I am gonna click disable this option on the next spin to appease to appease the subreddit. Spin number two.
41:53 Speaker 05 Point, point for listeners.
41:55 Speaker 07 Oh, man. Mark, your chances are on life support.
42:00 Speaker 04 Yeah, it could be. You never know.
42:04 Speaker 07 I'm a little scared that something terrible's about to happen to me.
42:06 Speaker 05 Wait, I didn't think this through. Listeners currently have one point.
42:10 Speaker 07 Oh.
42:11 Speaker 05 Wade currently has zero points. And Mark currently has negative two points.
42:17 Speaker 07 Oh, fuck. Well, the rules are what the rules are.
42:21 Speaker 05 I'm not sure.
42:24 Speaker 07 Better hope for golf rules.
42:26 Speaker 05 All right, yeah, we might have to, we might have to pause that one. Anyway, it's been number three. Save us.
42:35 Speaker 05 Most callbacks?
42:39 Speaker 05 Mark did a callback because Wade did the, my spark plug broke and then Mark's spark plug broke.
42:45 Speaker 07 That is true, but it could not be true.
42:49 Speaker 05 Wade, did you do callbacks?
42:51 Speaker 07 Nope.
42:54 Speaker 07 I don't think so.
42:55 Speaker 05 All right, guys, I have a solution.
42:57 Speaker 07 We just let the listeners win. We just canceled the podcast. Just give them the W, man. Just give them the W.
43:02 Speaker 05 I have an even better solution than that. The final score is listeners with one point, Wade with zero points, Mark with negative two points.
43:13 Speaker 07 Negative one, right? Because you got the...
43:15 Speaker 05 Oh, negative one. That's right. That's right. Very close. As is required by our constitution, I hereby grant the listeners a win. As the listeners cannot give a winner's speech and thus the speech portion of the show cannot commence, that win will be documented for posterity and their title as winner of this episode is immediately vacated for the next person who is present and able to give a winner's speech. Because the way the constitution works is I'm the host until the speeches happen and I declare the winner and then I give up my powers. So I'm still the host. So I'm God. Also, I hate the listeners.
43:59 Speaker 05 So you congratulation listeners, you get one documented victory of this podcast. That's not enough to win the trophy that everyone that we get at the end of the season that totally exists and we've definitely done.
44:11 Speaker 07 It beat me this year.
44:13 Speaker 05 And what actually happens is Wade wins this episode as it's like you're the vice president and the president died right after he said the last word of the inauguration.
44:26 Speaker 07 I was thinking more like the winner was caught doping and so I win because they get disqualified, but I guess that works too.
44:32 Speaker 05 Oh, it's like, it's like drag racing. You lost to the listeners, but then the listeners hit the scales on the way back to the pits and they were 12 pounds underweight. So they're DQ'd. Wade is the champion and Mark loses either way, but problem elegantly solved.
44:47 Speaker 04 There will be a row in the subreddit, I imagine.
44:51 Speaker 07 Or a column.
44:54 Speaker 04 There's gonna be some spreadsheets, uh, typing. Trust me.
44:58 Speaker 05 For everyone who keeps track of how many wins everyone, the listeners have a win.
45:03 Speaker 07 Do I get a win from this?
45:05 Speaker 05 I mean technically.
45:06 Speaker 07 Well, maybe.
45:06 Speaker 05 I would say no. Technically you did not win. Technically you assume the host position. So you, you assume the position of the winner, but the listeners actually got the win. So this is like a, this is like a weird, you know, like constitutional law ring around the rosy of nonsense just to make the system work because otherwise everything falls to shambles. Man, imagine the constitution that we didn't think through and the episode idea that I only thought through for 15 minutes gave us so much chaos. I can't believe it.
45:37 Speaker 04 Always does. Um, all right. Well.
45:40 Speaker 05 Oh, Mark, give us a loser's speech.
45:42 Speaker 04 Uh, I, I lost. Um, I'm right there with the viewers now. I know how you feel today and you know how I feel today, but more importantly, we both know how Wade feels today. For the first time, there will be two loser's speech and that is a tragedy that we will never live down.
46:01 Speaker 07 Constitution says there has to be a winner's.
46:03 Speaker 05 Wade, you will give the winner's speech on behalf of the listeners. You are not a winner, but you are accepting the Daytime Emmy on their behalf. So you do get to speak at the podium. You're a loser, but pretend like you're a winner.
46:19 Speaker 07 Well, it's an honor to be here with you two today. I'm here on behalf of the listeners who couldn't make an appearance, but they wanted me to say a few things such as this has been a long time coming. There's been a lot of ridicule toward the listeners. Viewers have always gotten preference. We push everyone to watch. We do visual bits, but there's never been audio only bits, except for, you know, the whole first two or three years of the podcast, but we don't count that because it's too far distant. We, the listeners, are happy that justice has finally been served and we have a win in our column and/or row. The spreadsheets will be filling out, and any viewers who disagree with this win can suck it because they've never won. So yay to us, the listeners.
47:02 Speaker 07 Ha ha to Wade who had to give this speech today. Okay, didn't need that part. Mark, the fact that you lost, truly embarrassing. Bob setting this up, a real epidemic failure. Everyone loses today, except for us, the listeners. We deserve this. Everyone else sucks. Ha ha, ha ha.
47:23 Speaker 05 Surprisingly accurate. I think, I feel pretty, I feel like a loser.
47:27 Speaker 07 I feel worse than a loser.
47:30 Speaker 05 Anyway, I feel like I need to apologize for throwing our podcast into a constitutional crisis. I did not think it all the way through. I think every episode I host from here on out, the viewers and the listeners start with negative 1,000 points. So, good luck, idiots. Also, I'm sorry that I accidentally created the precedent that viewers and/or listeners, if they ever want to claim their points and for their wins to mean anything, now have to be present, which is not an option.
48:00 Speaker 05 This is kinda like one of those rules that exists just to be a dick kind of situations. But good, good speech Wade. I think you really captured the sentiment that I'm sure the listeners would have expressed. Congratulations listeners and not congratulations, but it is your duty Wade to host the next one. And man, am I excited to see the rows and columns in the subreddit after all of this comes out. I really fucked it up, guys. Anyway, make sure you follow Mark and Wade and myself. Our names are probably on screen. This is minion777, our lord minion777, Mark on my screen. We're out of here. Wade's gonna host the next one, even though he's a huge loser,
48:41 Speaker 05 just like the rest of us. And, uh, no, that's it. I was gonna say another thing, but there's no more things, because this is the end. Podcast out.
48:53 Speaker 06 Watch new episodes on Spotify.
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Previous Best of Mark: Part 1 (Compilation) Next Please Laugh Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated