Best of Mark: Part 1 (Compilation)

It's time to relax with a copy of Penthouse Forum and plate of cannolis, because this compilation is all about the moon man himself, Mark. Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds. Learn more at uber.com/onourway Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

  For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them and squeezed out the truth.

• 0:50Speaker 01

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• 1:00Speaker 02

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• 1:30Speaker 03

  This episode of Distractible is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay. How do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know.

• 1:41Speaker 04

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• 2:02Speaker 03

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• 2:13Speaker 05

  Hence again, we return to mathmostflighty, delving deep in the vaultmostmighty. It's time for Best of Mark, Part One.

• 2:25Speaker 06

  Oh, the bomb!

• 2:28Speaker 07

  Hahaha, Mark is in a nuclear test range. Hey, if we do another ad bit with meteors or like explosions, you've got it.

• 2:37Speaker 04

  Hey, I ordered a new mattress. Ding dong!

• 2:39Speaker 07

  Oh! Hahaha!

• 2:44Speaker 03

  This is so dumb.

• 2:45Speaker 07

  Hahaha! Oh? Oh! So we have an idiot, a sleep deprived guy and a sick guy doing a podcast episode today, and this is what you get. Oh. A bomb! A bomb! Hahaha!

• 3:04Speaker 07

  It's like when you give toddlers technology and they make their first video and it's like really shitty and they look at it embarrassed 20 years later, like, what was I thinking?

• 3:13Speaker 04

  Mark is either gone or sitting very still.

• 3:15Speaker 07

  Hello? He's thinking. Hello? Hello?

• 3:19Speaker 04

  Let's try a simple one. Mark, how many fingers?

• 3:21Speaker 07

  Hello? Oh wait, I know how to fix this. Mark, how many fingers? Hello?

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Uh, I texted you.

• 3:27Speaker 07

  Hello?

• 3:28Speaker 04

  You know what, Bob? I'm gonna give you good internet point.

• 3:30Speaker 07

  Thanks. That seems fair. Hello?

• 3:33Speaker 06

  They tried to take me out. It didn't work. The world government.

• 3:37Speaker 07

  Oh, sweet fucking Jesus.

• 3:39Speaker 06

  No, no, not again.

• 3:40Speaker 07

  Ah! Hello? I'm getting out of here. Let's leave. You and me, Wade. Three, two, one.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  Whoever leaves first wins.

• 3:52Speaker 04

  Wade is clearly right there. Neither of you left.

• 3:55Speaker 07

  Editors, send me to Guam!

• 3:58Speaker 04

  What's Guam look like?

• 3:59Speaker 07

  I'm in Guam! Put me in Guam.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have no idea what that... Why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater.

• 4:07Speaker 07

  Put me in Guam! Look at all this Guam!

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Is that offensive?

• 4:10Speaker 04

  No idea, probably.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  I feel offended.

• 4:13Speaker 07

  You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach. Oh, pretty close. Guam is a US island territory in Micronesia.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  Cause I know there's a military, a lot of military presence and John, who was on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there and that's actually where he spent all of COVID.

• 4:30Speaker 07

  Oh, these guys are... They know the future. Guam's World War III significant... Oh wait, that's two. That's two.

• 4:37Speaker 04

  I can read.

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Hey, Bob, Bobby boy. Have a seat, have a seat, have a seat. Have a seat.

• 4:44Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 4:45Speaker 03

  Have a seat. All right. Okay. So I heard from your teacher that you were asking some questions that the teacher was legally not allowed to disclose to you. Given the laws currently implemented in this state that we're in, was not legally allowed to answer the questions for you. So I have taken it upon myself to create a slideshow presentation to guide you through this process. But, but why don't you just ask me, ask, ask me, ask me anything, ask me anything to start it off. I've got a whole thing here, but you know, I want to hear from you.

• 5:19Speaker 04

  I'm just curious, how, where do babies come from and what are they made of?

• 5:25Speaker 03

  Excellent question. Excellent question.

• 5:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:27Speaker 03

  Have you heard of the ship Theseus?

• 5:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have a memory of that, almost like a fever dream from earlier in my life. But I think so, yeah.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  Good, good. Okay. All right. So a baby, think of it like a ship. You like ships, right?

• 5:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, ships are cool.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. So, so, but instead of a built ship, you gotta, you gotta like build a ship at some point, right? It, it, it starts from nothing.

• 5:50Speaker 04

  Sure, in the shipyard.

• 5:51Speaker 03

  But an idea, it's an idea of a thing, right?

• 5:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  Okay, so let's think of the shipyard as a penis, right? You know what a penis is?

• 6:06Speaker 04

  Ah, yeah, my penis is a shipyard?

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Let's just think of it that way. This is our, it was a world of imagination right now. Okay. All right. So the shipyard is looking at, let's say, the ocean. Think of the ocean as what's called a vagina. Let me just show you the slide of a vagina. You probably haven't seen one. This is a vagina, right?

• 6:32Speaker 03

  You see the clitoris, the clitoral hood, the mons, pubis, you've got the labia minor and majora, right?

• 6:39Speaker 04

  Where?

• 6:40Speaker 03

  Hmm?

• 6:40Speaker 04

  What is, where is, where is that at?

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Don't worry about this. Do I have one of those? This is just so you, think of the ocean. When you look at this, think of the ocean. Okay? You're looking at this? Think of the ocean. You know the ocean with the waves and splashing all around, right?

• 6:53Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 6:53Speaker 03

  Don't think that. Let me go now to the penis, right? Now this is a penis.

• 6:58Speaker 04

  That's not what mine looks like.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  That's okay. Don't worry. It's, um. Don't worry about it right now. So you see, this is the shaft. This is the cavernosa majorum. This is the perineum here. You have the glands, you know, the foreskin. Well, depending on, I mean, we'll keep another story for another day. Okay. All right. But I really want you to focus down here on what are known as the testicles. Right? Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. But again, don't think of this, think of a shipyard. Okay, this is a shipyard and in a shipyard, you have a bunch of, uh, people running around. Right? Yeah. The people that actually like build the ship. Okay. All right. Shipwrights. Yeah. Yeah. Shipwrights. Sure. Yeah. Shipwrights. Very good. Very good. Okay. I know stuff.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  And let's just assume that one day the shipyard got really drunk. Okay. They had a party. Woo! Ah, you know? Okay. Sure. Do you know what that is? You don't know what that, okay. Anyway. I know what a party is. They had a party. That sounds fun. Yeah, yeah. They had a party. They had a party at, say, let's say a ski lodge or something like that.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Okay, there's a ski lodge in the shipyard. Got it. Yeah. And then there were, uh, yeah. And then there was a beach where the ocean was, um, there. Okay? Ski, ski beach. Got it. Exactly. Okay. So, um, one of these shipwrights was looking at the ocean and the ocean was looking at the shipwright. And they locked eyes and they were like, oh, yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  You know? Okay. He likes the ocean. Then the shipyard decided, well, it wasn't really a decision. Okay. Ordinarily shipyards, they have a safety precautions known as OSHA. But you know, let's just say that OSHA failed at this moment in time. Sure. And, uh, one of these shipwrights started getting really, really productive. Okay. And built a ship. Okay. More like, okay, imagine there was a glowing ethereal orb in the middle of the shipyard that was birthed from the ocean. And then the shipwright was like, this is my hole. It's meant for me and dove headfirst in.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Through that glowing ethereal alien orb and merged into being part of the DNA from the shipwright and part of the DNA from this orb, which there was inside of it, emerged together. And then that started building a boat.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  And then the-

• 9:29Speaker 04

  That's like a man boat.

• 9:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly, exactly. Except that the shipwright was like melted as he entered into it. So the entire being that was the shipwright kind of like dissolved. And all that was left was the primordial goo within him.

• 9:46Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 9:47Speaker 03

  So then this boat starts growing and growing and growing. And then one day in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched. You ever seen a ship launch before?

• 10:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, it kind of just slides in and makes a big splash.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, big splash, but pretty big because you're pretty small, right?

• 10:08Speaker 04

  I am small, yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm going to show you this next slide. This is in the middle of a childbirth, okay? Now you'll see, yeah, you'll see the head is starting to emerge. It's a boat, it's a boat.

• 10:20Speaker 04

  Which part is the boat?

• 10:22Speaker 03

  The head is the boat, the vagina is the ocean and um, it's, it's called birthing a boat.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  Uh huh.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  So when that-

• 10:32Speaker 04

  It looks like somebody's dying.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  No, sometimes, sometimes. If, if, let's say like, ah, the boat gets stuck and doesn't get enough water.

• 10:48Speaker 04

  I'll burp, I gotta need alcohol for the rest of this.

• 10:52Speaker 03

  Normally it's fine and this boat is you.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 10:58Speaker 03

  That's where babies come from, okay?

• 11:01Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at macys.com.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now 7-Up is fighting back with their new Lime Lemon Soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up, flip the sip.

• 12:05Speaker 07

  This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most?

• 12:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:11Speaker 07

  We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  I think that might be them knocking on the door. Cause they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI, I'm not 100% sure.

• 12:26Speaker 07

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• 12:38Speaker 04

  All right, Mark, the first sentence is, "I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone." And so I come up with the second half of that. Yeah, you give me the second sentence and it's a horror story. So make it scary. Okay, so say it again. "I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone."

• 12:56Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 13:01Speaker 04

  I told you, I tried real hard, but I have no idea if these are good prompts. So good luck. Especially since I was in a tent.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Oh man, that just raises so many scary questions.

• 13:21Speaker 07

  And then I remembered, I don't have a door.

• 13:23Speaker 03

  I know, right? Yeah, it's terrifying. You're camping out in the woods, you hear ding dong? Fuck, you're done.

• 13:31Speaker 04

  That's, yeah, that's not good. Everybody knows that's problems. Mark, I think you can beat that. I believe in you. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  Oh, God, I've almost got something. I've almost got something. Oh, it's gonna, you're gonna shit. You're gonna shit. Go run to the bathroom, everybody. Listen to this. You're about to poop your pants.

• 13:48Speaker 07

  Um.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  Especially since I was on the moon.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  Hope everyone made it to the bathroom in time.

• 14:09Speaker 04

  Ah, fuck, shit.

• 14:11Speaker 07

  I'm not gonna ask if you're ready. We're just jumping in.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  Alright.

• 14:14Speaker 07

  You're an orgasming pig and a farmer is coming to slaughter you.

• 14:19Speaker 04

  What, male or female pig?

• 14:20Speaker 07

  Mark is the author of this story.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 14:23Speaker 03

  Good.

• 14:24Speaker 07

  You have at least 30 minutes.

• 14:27Speaker 04

  Of what? Orgasm power? What do you need at least 30 minutes?

• 14:31Speaker 07

  Yeah, the farmer's not gonna kill you during. He's respectful.

• 14:34Speaker 03

  So what? Do I gotta make it last long?

• 14:38Speaker 07

  No, not necessarily. You just have to survive.

• 14:40Speaker 04

  But you could.

• 14:42Speaker 07

  Not the orgasm, you have to survive the farmer. The farmer is the threat. The orgasm is just happening.

• 14:52Speaker 07

  What's the matter? But I thought you were ready.

• 14:54Speaker 04

  Go on, man. What do you even have to think about? The first move's obvious.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  Okay, alright, alright, here we go. Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was with Betsy. Ah, man, you've seen a pig before, right? Anyway, finish the deed. I'm barely three minutes into mid-finish. And here I hear Farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up. He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it. Look down, it's not Betsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. Fool on me, right? Well, anyway, I know.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  He's very polite. He'll make sure that I, I, I get to enjoy myself before my bitter, bitter end. Well, two can play at that game. I see a pail of milk that he left out. Fool he is. I, I've got a bucket full of, of fraud that's gonna keep this going all night long. So long as he sees some white fluid occurring. He's not gonna kill you because he thinks I'm not done yet. Take that bucket stealthily slide it under me and I just take a move and I go

• 16:17Speaker 03

  for hours. I don't know if I've ever hoped for a toy more in my life, but I'm hoping for it now.

• 16:27Speaker 03

  Damn it.

• 16:28Speaker 04

  Mark, I'll give you this, I'll give you this hint, Mark.

• 16:33Speaker 04

  It's an audio clue.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  Doesn't make a sound, doesn't make a sound, it doesn't make a sound. No, it can't be an audio clue. I'm ignoring that, I'm ignoring that.

• 16:43Speaker 04

  That's a real clue and honestly should get you the answer right now.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  I'm ignoring that entirely. I'm ignoring it because it just, it. Mark, it's obviously a tooth rack. Is it a spork?

• 16:57Speaker 04

  You jumped right past a couple other guesses for that one, but no, it's not specifically a spork. No.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  Spoon, plastic spoon. Plastic fork.

• 17:07Speaker 04

  It's a plastic fork.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  I hate you.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  I hate you because why? Why would I think specifically a plastic fork? When you said it was not metal, all cutlery went out the window because cutlery.

• 17:29Speaker 04

  It's just made of plastic.

• 17:32Speaker 07

  Hey dude, I had to rule out wood basketball.

• 17:51Speaker 04

  What? You never guessed fork?

• 17:55Speaker 07

  My 12th guess was cutlery for myself. Mark never went there, that's crazy. He stole everything else I said, but not that. Again, again, that's the next one.

• 18:10Speaker 06

  Why would you do that to me? You know, I thought, I thought spork a long time ago, a long time ago, I was like, okay, there's a possibility that it's like, plastic, something like, and spork went up in my mind when he was like, plate was associated with, but I was like, there's no way it'd be that. Man, plastic fork, a plastic fork?

• 18:33Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 18:39Speaker 06

  Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this?

• 18:42Speaker 04

  Are you appealing to like the subreddit or something? Do you think this is unfair, Mark?

• 18:46Speaker 06

  I am appealing to the subreddit, yes, I'm throwing my only flag I have left because, holy crap, I want to take a nap and I will.

• 18:57Speaker 04

  In your tub with your pillow blanket? I see how it is.

• 19:01Speaker 06

  Plastic fork, plastic fork?

• 19:05Speaker 07

  This is gonna haunt him for, for days to come.

• 19:10Speaker 06

  Isn't something smell a little puff to you? Hey, do you smell something? Well, that's a weird smell. I don't know what it is. Have you ever felt the chill run up your spine? It was like something tapped me on the shoulder, but when I turned around. Get ready to forget everything you know about everything. Guys, I'm still smelling something weird. A whole city of people just turning round and round endlessly. Alright, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm... Oh my god.

• 19:42Speaker 06

  What happened to the moon? You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see? I know what clouds look like. Those aren't clouds!

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Welcome to the show that was formerly known as Don't Look Up, but we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio. This is... It's in the air.

• 20:04Speaker 03

  Viewer discretion is advised.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Dear Pan House Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was with Betsy, you know a pig, right? I'm not three minutes in finishing, I hear Farmer What's-His-Name's boot come thundering out the way. And I know, I know what's up. He fed me oats this morning, so I know what the game is. And I look down, it's not even Betsy, it's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in a blanket. But I know he's polite, right? I know he's polite. I feel bad, ashamed, tricked. He's very polite. He'll, he won't finish me before I'm finished finishing. So I look around with as stealth as I can, see a bucket of milk, drag it under me, I go like, ah, one white substance is good as another, dip my hoof in, go, ah, ah. And then while he's standing there, watching, kinda weird, but you know, we're in this.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  I start thinking with my little pig brain, and I'm like, ah, I have the ultimate plan. It took me half that bucket to, to, to think of this plan. I feign a heart attack. I know he's a sympathetic sort. He fed me oats. He made Betsy, I guess, and he would, he would not dare kill me if I'm already dying. Shake the milk off my hoof, I lay down and go, ah, like I got a heart attack, right? Surprise, poop attack! I jump on him, he gets close, diarrhea all over. See, the only tool I got left, I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. And while he is flailing from all the poop, I grab Betsy, for later, and grab his shovel that he dropped, and then in my, I, I do one of these.

• 21:43Speaker 07

  Swing?

• 21:44Speaker 03

  With both. It's not really like a swing, it's more like a, ah, I try to decapitate him.

• 21:49Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  Wade, you can end this.

• 21:51Speaker 07

  What's, that was the third one, I needed 18 or higher.

• 21:55Speaker 04

  Oh, that's definitely gonna happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of twenties on goofing around. Eight. Hey, teen?

• 22:02Speaker 07

  No.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  If I swallow this right now and die, will you give me the point?

• 22:08Speaker 04

  That's worth at least two points, I guess, yeah.

• 22:10Speaker 03

  Everyone pull over to the side of the road. You gotta watch this one.

• 22:13Speaker 06

  Oh, bug gulp. I'm dead.

• 22:19Speaker 04

  That's two points to Mark, I guess.

• 22:21Speaker 07

  Jesus, I'm getting railroaded here, man. Well, thankfully, he can't compete for any more points now, right?

• 22:25Speaker 04

  If he comes back to life, he loses the two points, just to be clear.

• 22:28Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 22:29Speaker 04

  Anyway, interesting discussion. I think-

• 22:31Speaker 06

  Hey, what's up, guys? Back from the afterlife here. Want to finish this episode out strong?

• 22:36Speaker 04

  I'm gonna cross out dead and take those two points away real quick.

• 22:38Speaker 06

  Can I get one point? I'm a ghost, man.

• 22:41Speaker 04

  All right, I'll give you one ghost point.

• 22:42Speaker 06

  Okay, cool. You hear my echoey voice and everything?

• 22:45Speaker 04

  Editors, don't do any of this. Just make him live with what he's done.

• 22:48Speaker 06

  No, please. I sign your checks.

• 22:50Speaker 04

  That's not even true. None of us sign shit.

• 22:53Speaker 06

  You're right, but I can call the person who does.

• 22:56Speaker 04

  I know them too. I have their number too. I'll call them and tell them not to listen to Mark. You don't even worry about it.

• 23:01Speaker 06

  All right, fine. Too many requests in one hour. My fate is pretty sour.

• 23:09Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 23:17Speaker 07

  I think this is worth just to hear Mark talk like this for an hour.

• 23:22Speaker 04

  I just to translate it into something that's comprehensible. I think Mark just let us know that chat GPT just told him he can't do any more queries for a while.

• 23:36Speaker 04

  So you don't have your little AI buddy that'll be rhyme anymore.

• 23:40Speaker 06

  My friend is gone. My friend is done. I'm going to make a hot cross bun.

• 23:49Speaker 06

  You get one point, minus three. It's only fair. It can not be.

• 23:56Speaker 04

  Minus three?

• 23:59Speaker 06

  Three bad tries. No, no, no. You didn't think you were too slow.

• 24:06Speaker 04

  I was, okay, but I had two bad tries and then I got it right.

• 24:10Speaker 06

  No, you are correct. That is so true. Two minus one, but the other way too.

• 24:19Speaker 06

  To end this game and therefore win in the positives, your score must

• 24:32Speaker 04

  I'm gonna count it. That rhymed. That rhymed. Sounds are allowed. Didn't say that it has to be words.

• 24:37Speaker 06

  Why did they do this to myself? I could have been Riddle Man.

• 24:45Speaker 06

  Thanks, man. My little problem, I'll tell you, is that this thing only reads in the third person. Boo hoo. I can't seem to get it to ask direct. That doesn't make me very erect. Let me finish my rhymes, you prick. I think you're a giant dick.

• 25:09Speaker 07

  Well done. That's the best one you've had all day.

• 25:12Speaker 04

  You know what? You know what?

• 25:15Speaker 03

  I'm going back in time. Sorry, I'm going back in time.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  I changed it.

• 25:27Speaker 07

  Your shoulder?

• 25:27Speaker 03

  It's all better now.

• 25:28Speaker 07

  Oh, cool. Well, um, Bob, you still have more points.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  What did I change then? Oh, God. What did I change?

• 25:38Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 25:40Speaker 04

  What are we gonna, what are we gonna see in the future?

• 25:42Speaker 03

  I don't know. I don't know. What did I do? Dear Penthouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know, pigs. Anyway, three minutes in, Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming. He, but I look down. I did a fucking trick again. Again, it's a pile of hay in a blanket. Anyway, he comes in, he's looking at me. I know he likes to watch. I'm not about that, but he fed me oats this morning, so I know he's playing. He's gonna wait till I finish. I stealthily put the bucket of milk under me, dip my paw in, go. I can keep that up for hours. Gives me enough time to think. Ah, heart attack. I've done it before. I'll do it again. Shake my hoof off. Dumb idea. He comes over. Poop attack. Right in his eyes. Blast him. Grab Betsy. Grab his shovel.

• 26:28Speaker 03

  Tornado attack didn't work. I throw the shovel away, grab Betsy again, drag out to the outside where there's a tractor. I've seen the farmer use a tractor before. I throw Betsy up by the gas pedal. I say, when I say floor it, do it. I push buttons. I pull levers, get that thing rumbling, point it right towards where that farmer's shaking in my shit pile. I say, floor it! And I remember, Betsy's a pile of hay, can't really do that. I scramble. I like, shit! I'm on the other side of the tractor. It's already going, she's gonna blow if I don't divert power to the engine, or the wheels. So I, I dive for the gas pedal, push Betsy unfortunately out of the window, and I see Betsy tumble right under the tractor thresher blades.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  No! She was a pile of hay. She actually reformed back into a bale, the blanket perfectly back, all the way on the other side. Actually, better than before. After what I had done to that pile of hay, was not in the correct shape anymore. Betsy's behind me, I hit the gas pedal, try again.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Alright, I rig it to self-destruct and then I dive off with Betsy if you want something a little different.

• 27:35Speaker 04

  No, I like that. I just don't know if it's gonna work. Please?

• 27:41Speaker 03

  I still, much to my chagrin, and I've talked about it endlessly, drive my Tesla that I've had for eight years, the giant piece of shit. And that's not just me like hating for hating.

• 27:51Speaker 04

  No, it's been bad. It's been really bad.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  I drove it off the lot as a piece of shit. It's been a piece of shit through every year of its warranty in which it's been in service every single year for many times, same problem. And they've done full replacements on the suspension three times, and now it is officially out of warranty. So if it happens again, I'm screwed. Anyway, in Tesla, there's a cowbell mode that is activated by pressing the cruise control four times. And the thing is, if I press it twice and it doesn't activate, I'm gonna press it, because to activate it, you press it twice, right? I go to click click and it doesn't go, so I go click click again, and then I activated cowbell mode. So for the rest of the fucking drive to Tyler's house.

• 28:41Speaker 07

  So is it, is it actually the song? Is there something weird about pressing cruise control multiple times and don't fear the Reaper coming on?

• 28:48Speaker 03

  It is exactly, it was exactly that. It's don't.

• 29:02Speaker 03

  It was a whole, I couldn't figure out how to turn off because pressing it four times again only restarts the song.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  And I'm in the middle of driving on the highway, so I'm just like... So for 20 minutes, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, all our time.

• 29:23Speaker 04

  It's a long song, but even when the song ends, it just loops?

• 29:27Speaker 03

  It loops after the first few lines and then Christopher Walken comes out and says, "I gotta have more cowbell."

• 29:35Speaker 07

  "I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell."

• 29:38Speaker 03

  And then it goes again!

• 29:43Speaker 03

  The whole fucking drive.

• 29:48Speaker 00

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• 30:17Speaker 01

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• 30:48Speaker 04

  What if you spread butter on a piece of bread and dip that in another sauce?

• 30:52Speaker 03

  That's a cannoli.

• 30:54Speaker 04

  That is not a cannoli.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  What's the difference between that and a cannoli?

• 30:58Speaker 04

  What do you think a cannoli is? Oh my god. Do you think a cannoli is related to bread, Mark?

• 31:06Speaker 03

  No, cuz what I'm thinking about it is a cannoli, you put, you have like a flat piece of thing, you wrap it in something. So if you were to dip bread in something, you kinda have to put some kind of a fold in it. You kinda have to put a fold in it. It's gotta fold in it, rolled, and then they dip it in like whipped cream on the end or something.

• 31:23Speaker 07

  Here's the definition of cannoli. Italian pastries in the form of hard tubular shells filled with sweetened ricotta cheese and often containing nuts, citron, I don't know how to pronounce, or chocolate bits.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  I rest my case.

• 31:37Speaker 04

  You maybe dip the end of the cannoli in some chocolate and pistachios or something? You don't dip it in shit. A cannoli has nothing to do with this.

• 31:42Speaker 03

  Either way, the comparison stands because a cannoli is not bread. And therefore you putting something on it.

• 31:48Speaker 04

  But what I said wasn't a cannoli either. Spreading butter on a piece of bread and then dipping that in a sauce does not make it a cannoli.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  I dare you to do it without rolling it and you.

• 31:58Speaker 07

  I think he's imagining you're rolling it up for some reason.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, you look at it after you're done dipping, you're like, oh my god, I made a cannoli.

• 32:05Speaker 04

  You don't need to spread butter on a flat piece of bread. You take a hunk of bread, you spread butter around it, you dip, it's still the same hunk of bread you were dipping earlier. Your argument loses weight.

• 32:16Speaker 03

  You don't take a piece of bread and you hollow it out and shove bread inside so the warmth that melts it from outside in?

• 32:22Speaker 04

  I mean, I do do that, but that's not what I was supposed to. That's just for fun.

• 32:25Speaker 03

  I don't think there's, there's any difference between a cannoli and a hot dog or like cannoli and bread and butter and anything like that. It's a rolled piece of bread. They all fall within, a taco is a cannoli that's sweet. What a bold claim.

• 32:38Speaker 04

  I fucking love, no wait, I love that actually. The, the debate is always, wait, is a hot dog a sandwich? Blah, you know what a hot dog is, idiots? A hot dog is a cannoli.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  It's a cannoli.

• 32:50Speaker 04

  You're all stupid.

• 32:52Speaker 07

  Alright, Mark, here, I'll give, I'll go in a different direction. I'll, I'll skip, how about this one? I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale.

• 33:00Speaker 03

  Hit me again?

• 33:02Speaker 07

  I found a beautiful antique mirror at the garage sale.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  And then what?

• 33:08Speaker 07

  Wouldn't I like to know?

• 33:19Speaker 04

  Don't you guys like play a lot of scary games?

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. You know, our instinct is not to perpetuate the scary. It's kind of to make fun of it.

• 33:30Speaker 04

  I'm sorry. I wasn't ready for that question. Mark, I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale.

• 33:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, right. Okay. And, and action.

• 33:40Speaker 03

  Well, you know, the thing about mirrors is they're, uh, there's sometimes you get a, when you have,

• 33:52Speaker 03

  you know, there's two. There were two. There were two of me in there. There's two. There's two of me.

• 34:02Speaker 04

  There's always two with mirrors. Yep. Uh huh. Yep. Good. Excellent.

• 34:09Speaker 03

  All right.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  I don't have a lot of time. I'm 29 minutes into a 30 minute orgasm. When I hear his footsteps coming by, Farmer wants to go kill me. He fed me oats this morning. Real nice guy, but I know what's up. I don't have long left dragon bug and milk under me. Starts spewing out milk. He can't tell the difference. He's half blind anyway. I was half blind. Looked down Betsy's pile of hay in a blanket. Look, don't have a lot of time. It was great until it wasn't. Start flinging that out and then I realize I need to do a hard sack. Gah, shake off my pile at the same time. Fall over, roll down. He's so nice. Comes over real close, right within shitting distance. Shit in his eyes. Grab Betsy, grab a shovel, try to swing his cap to head and didn't work too low to the ground. I go outside where his tractor is and I know that I've seen him use it before. Throw Betsy up by the gas pedal. I say like, when I tell you to floor it, you floor it.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  I start pushing buttons, pulling levers and I get it lined up, engine rumbling. I go, Betsy, floor it! Duh, pile of hay. Throw it out the window. She goes in and throws her blades. No! And then she reforms into a pile of hay, pre-fucked with a blanket still on it. It's great. Save that for later. I aim the tractor right at Farmer John where he's twitching in my shit pile. I hit buttons, I gun it. Nut bounces up. Doink, right on the barn. Then I look back. That doinks threw a shotgun down off the wall. Oh shit, that's great. Grab the shotgun. I think I can get this, get in my mouth, go over, try to shoot him in stupid face. Boink!

• 35:27Speaker 06

  Blank! Fuck! He's so nice! He just had blanks in his shotgun. He wasn't gonna kill me at all. Maybe he wasn't gonna kill me. I apologize. I say, "Hey, bro, maybe I misread the whole situation. Can you please forgive me?" You did right by me by that hay bale. I'm not gonna lie, couldn't tell the difference. Why don't we just put all this behind us? Pal? Pal? I put my just-covered puff out there for him to shake. Pal, buddy?

• 35:55Speaker 07

  You need a 14? Oh, no.

• 35:59Speaker 06

  Why?

• 36:00Speaker 04

  On the bright side, though, you get to play devil's advocate while determining what's true or false while singing your winner's speech. Yeah, Mark, winner's speech.

• 36:17Speaker 06

  I'm the best. I'm the best. I am better than all of the rest. All the rest. Bob and Wade. Bob and Wade. They're the worst. They're the worst. They can't do anything. They just are the worst. They just are the worst. I believe in anyone but myself, and I won't give them another host. I am the one who wins forever and ever and a day.

• 36:45Speaker 07

  And a day.

• 36:48Speaker 03

  Kudos to Plutos.

• 36:51Speaker 04

  Please, only ever laugh like that for the rest of our lives.

• 36:56Speaker 04

  Three points to Mark for that laugh.

• 36:57Speaker 07

  That was the worst laugh I've ever heard him have. That's awesome.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  What worst? That was the gra-

• 37:06Speaker 04

  You just have to force it out. You can't let it slow down. It has to have momentum. It has to have force and volume with it.

• 37:12Speaker 07

  Somebody, please, take that laugh and make it your ringtone. I don't know if I could do that. I don't know if you can either.

• 37:19Speaker 04

  No, you know what makes it happen, Mark? You have to say the sentence, the whole sentence. You have to say, "Kudos to Plutos."

• 37:26Speaker 04

  That's how you get that to come out of you. If you could recreate that sentence, I will give you four points, Mark.

• 37:32Speaker 07

  Oh, god, okay.

• 37:33Speaker 04

  If you could give me a full-on "kudos to Plutos,"

• 37:37Speaker 04

  you will steal this victory, and I feel like it would be well-deserved and wait for you to do that.

• 37:41Speaker 07

  All right. Kudos to Plutos.

• 37:50Speaker 07

  That was so bad! It got caught in my throat. I don't know how I did it.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  When you get in the

• 38:00Speaker 03

  I can't, how did I do that?

• 38:03Speaker 07

  You sound like Woody the Woodpecker now, what happened?

• 38:06Speaker 03

  How the fuck did I do that? Coulda split those, nah. I don't, I can't, I literally can't make my epiglottis move that fast, which is how I made that laugh happen. Oh my god.

• 38:20Speaker 07

  All you had to do was recreate it, man.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  Dude, can you even create it? How did I do that in a bit? When I

• 38:29Speaker 07

  That's what I'm going over. That's your recreation?

• 38:41Speaker 07

  Ow, that hurt, that hurt something down here.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  See, it's weird, right? Get penis form, I never imagined what happened to me. You know Betsy, right? Well, anyway, three minutes into a thirty minute orgasm, I hear Farmer John, he's coming my way. Aw shit, oats this morning, I shouldn't have known you're gonna kill me, look down at time, Betsy's a hay bale and a blanket. I say fuck, grab a bucket of milk that he forgot, pull it under me, start slinging it around. He walks in, loves to watch, he sees me slinging around, he's like, oh, I better wait till he fits, he's so nice. He's so goddamn polite. Anyway, I get a lot of thinking time in as I'm flinging going and then I realize, ah, if I fake a heart attack, he's so nice, he's not gonna kill me if I'm already dying. He might think something wrong with me, go over, ah, shake my hoof off with milk. He comes over real close, shit in his eyes, he falls down, grab Betsy, grab the shovel, try the tornado to attack him, doesn't work.

• 39:26Speaker 03

  Go out to the tractor, throw him up by the pedals, I start pulling up, push the levers, it fires alive, I go for it! She's a bale, hey, I throw her out the window, she goes in the thresh of blades, I go, no! And then she's even hotter than before when she comes out the other side with the blanket still on it, man, that was a good blanket. I hit the gas pedal, bounce off the wall, boink, oh, shotgun falls down, I grab it in my mouth, I go over, I'm like, I'm gonna blow you, what you sound like? Click bang, it's a blank. This guy was so goddamn nice. I stick out my milk-covered, jizz-covered, shit-covered paw and I go like, pal? He says no, I like, well, fuck you then, anyway, he was gonna eat me himself. He says I grabbed the lantern from up on high, I dive bomb into it, I dive up bomb into, I headbutt it. Blast into a fireball conflagration. It takes the whole barn covered in hay, everywhere

• 40:11Speaker 03

  wood, beams. I say like, "Baby, I can't kill you, but I'm gonna take you with me," or something. I said something cooler than that. It was in the moment. I can't remember right now. And then as we're all burning, and we're in there, he rises from the embers. He's half, you know, V from Vendetta, when he stood out, he asked everything, went, "Oooh!" That's what he did. Right then and there, he's naked too. Well, I mean, I'm naked too, but I'm a pig, but that's okay. And then I see, behind him, Betsy. Betsy there. She's walking into the flames right behind him. He doesn't see. He's, "Oh, oh, oh!" He's too busy screaming, "About to kill me," removes the blanket off of herself, wraps him and her in the blanket. I'm like, "Oh, my bacon's sizzling," but she's sacrificing herself to take this guy down once and for all, because a blanket's gonna seal them both up. They

• 40:54Speaker 03

  will both burn, and I might live, but he will die. And I might die.

• 40:59Speaker 06

  You need an 11 or higher.

• 41:01Speaker 03

  Please, please, please, please.

• 41:07Speaker 06

  You did it.

• 41:13Speaker 06

  It's a 15. Oh, the curse has been broken.

• 41:17Speaker 04

  Welcome to my side of the dice roll, Mark, where you never win and it only gets worse.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  That was quite, that was quite a battle. Many phases. Just because you can eat something does not make it bread. Just because you can roll something does not make it a cannoli. Just because you can breed something does not make it bread. And just because you have a baby does not mean that it is tapping into your blood supply directly, because there is a blood barrier between the placenta and the mother's uterus that provides through diffusion the nutrients necessary to sustain the baby.

• 41:48Speaker 07

  Do babies have to have oxygenated blood when they're still in the womb?

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 41:50Speaker 07

  Yes. So is that air? Was oxygenated blood still technically, is oxygen still technically air at that point?

• 41:55Speaker 04

  Babies actually breathe liquid in their lungs when they're in the womb.

• 41:59Speaker 07

  But is there any source of air in them?

• 42:01Speaker 04

  I mean, on a very small scale, then yeah, oxygen would be dissolved in blood.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  So they could be bread. There's a gaseous solution dissolved in the blood that they're being oxygenated. That does not necessarily mean, because it's turning into a soup. They have oxygen soup. That is not air, because soup is a liquid.

• 42:19Speaker 07

  They're bread soup.

• 42:20Speaker 03

  Babies are mostly soup.

• 42:23Speaker 07

  It's a bread bowl.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 42:31Speaker 07

  Is a bread bowl a good meal?

• 42:34Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 42:36Speaker 06

  Oh no, oh god.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 42:39Speaker 07

  Oh. Everyone listening to this point has lost all of their hair, all of their patience, and their mouth agape drooling, wondering, "Why did I tune in to this?"

• 42:54Speaker 07

  Our ultimate conclusion here is babies are a bread bowl.

• 42:58Speaker 04

  Babies are soup in a bread bowl, but they're mostly soup.

• 43:07Speaker 05

  Watch new episodes on Spotify.

• 43:12Speaker 08

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• 43:42Speaker 02

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