Best of Bob: Part 1 (Compilation)

If the "Distractible Vault" was a fridge, it would be stocked up with only the best bite-sized moments of our favorite dad, wordsmith, and mechanic, Bob. Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds. Visit www.rocketmoney.com/Distractible Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Low energy, unfocused, foggy? You might be dehydrated. Whether it's hot yoga, over 100 degree weather, or too much sun. Gator Light, with a specialized blend of five electrolytes, was scientifically designed to help move fluids into the body faster for rapid rehydration. Shop now at retailers nationwide. Gator Light: Hydrates Faster Than Water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  This episode of Distractible is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay. How do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  I don't know. But I do know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15-minute setup, a price for any budget, and five-year price guarantee. Visit tmobile.com/homeinternet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet. Data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet. Data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Services delivered via 5G networks. Fees vary due to factor affecting cellular and networks. Guarantee exclusions details at tmobile.com/homeinternet.

• 1:13Speaker 03

  Verily, we return to the vault. Up to the plate comes a bodacious man with a brilliant plan. It's time for Best of Bob, Part One.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  Dear Penthouse Four, I can't believe it happened to me. The farmer showed up, and I know what he's up to. He's feeding me the good shit, and I know what that means. This is my last day on this planet unless I do something about it. Somehow, I escape from my pen, and I find the keys to a tractor. So I climb up in the tractor, and I'm gonna run the farmer over. For some reason, my girlfriend's there. She's just a stack of hay. What the fuck? I try and run the farmer down, but he dodges it. I crash into the barn. A lantern spills onto the ground. Oil goes everywhere. Flames, fire. I fall out of the tractor. There is no way out. I watch as a huge timber-framed thing falls down

• 2:09Speaker 02

  from the farm's rafters onto the farmer. He's dead, but so am I. I lay there, inhaling smoke, knowing what's going to happen. And...

• 2:20Speaker 02

  I'm back in the museum. What the fuck? God, I hate this disease. All right, let's continue, shall we?

• 2:29Speaker 01

  I'm caught between these two, but I think I'm gonna go with this one. The life cycle of a butterfly.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Egg. Caterpillar.

• 2:43Speaker 02

  Cocoon.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  Butterfly.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I make it come back. It's gotta come back.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Uh, eggs.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  When I was a sophomore in college, I lived with some roommates in an apartment and I lived very cheaply. And my favorite thing to do was to get ground beef that was like just about to expire. Cause they mark that shit down. They basically give it away. When I was younger, I didn't understand the idea that stuff could spoil even if it was frozen. So what I would, a lot of the times I'd get the almost, you know, almost out of date ground meat and I would freeze it. I'd be like, good, perfect. Frozen in time. I still have exactly, you know, I have two days left before it expires. And just one time I did that and I like forgot about it. You know, sometimes you just find stuff like way in the back, underneath. I found this pack of ground meat and I could not remember when it was from.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  It was all freezer burned, real messed up. And I was like, sweet. It's frozen. Can't possibly have gone bad. I got a big road trip tomorrow, so I need a good dinner tonight. And I'll wake up bright and early and I'll drive over, see my buddies in Indiana at Purdue University. And so I made myself some delicious spaghetti bolognese with this ground meat. And as I was cooking it, I had a little bit of a thought where I was like, hmm, smells different. It doesn't, doesn't smell bad, but it smells different. That's weird. But that's not gonna stop me from enjoying my cheap dinner. And then I was eating it and I was like, hmm, tastes different.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  But.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  I don't like where this is going.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  I ate the whole thing, cause I needed some delicious howdy dinner for my big road trip in the morning. And woke up the next morning, bright and early at like, I don't know, 10 o'clock, whatever was early for me when I was in college, and hopped in my car and started on my way. It was like a few hour drive from Cincinnati over to where my buddies were at school. And I started, you know, had some tunes on in the car, whatever, cruising on the highway. And if you've ever done that drive, there's fucking nothing in Indiana. Like, there's huge stretches where it's cornfields and nothing. No gas stations, no bush, like, nothing, like, flat fields and a road. Which is kinda nice, not a huge deal, unless, when you're right in the middle of one of the most

• 5:04Speaker 02

  desolate stretches of the drive, you start to get a little flippity-floppity action going on in your lower stomach regions. I don't know if you guys have ever had, um, body-shakily-violent diarrhea? But have you ever, have you ever experienced the start of that? Is this? Uh, yeah, I'm sure we all have. You know, you're just sitting there, and just something inside of you is just kinda like,

• 5:33Speaker 02

  and you just start to get that feeling, right?

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. And I was trying to listen to my body, and was trying to let it tell me what it needed and be a responsible caretaker, but there was nothing. I swear to God, there weren't even exit ramps. It was a straight highway for hundreds of miles that you could not get off of for any reason. I couldn't find a gas station. And I'm sitting here, time is passing, half an hour passes, the flip-flops in my stomach are getting more aggressive. It's feeling like it's wanting to go somewhere, right? It wants out. And I just can't find a gas, I can't find a gas station or anything. Rest stop, nothing. Beads of sweat start forming on my forehead. Finally, after, I would say about an hour of not finding any place where I could stop, I pull off, I go, there's a little small town not far from the highway, and they have a gas station.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  And I'm like, yes, fuck, yes, made it! And it's one of those, I don't know if you guys have ever had this experience, where, and I didn't realize this until I was already inside, the gas station's like around back, it's like an exterior door to the building, you know? And they have like a key, you have to get the key from the guy at the gas station and then go. So it's the least convenient type of bathroom. So I go in and I'm frantically in this store, in this gas station, just like, where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I don't see one. I go up to the guy and I'm like, do you have a bathroom? And he must think I'm out of my mind on drugs or something. I don't know what he thinks, because I'm drenched in sweat, panicked, clenching, just, I don't look good, I imagine. And he's like, yeah, we got a bath. Here, you need the key.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  Here's the key. You okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Just give me the key. Take the key, scramble out, around to the back. And this is where stuff really goes downhill. I'm fumbling with the key. This is where? It's been a great story so far. Happiness and joy. Everything is contained up to this point, but at this, at this moment, I'm approaching the toilet. I'm almost there. The pain in my stomach is just really intense. I get the door open, I get it closed behind myself, and I start like frantically grasping at my belt and everything. And there's, there's an almost beautiful, almost enjoyable moment of release that happens right then. My pants are still fully on and I'm trying to undo everything and get, get onto the bath, the toilet.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  And it feels just, it feels joyous, right? Because finally, the pain is, is subsiding. Finally, I get to do what I've been wanting to do for an hour and it's really, it's relief. Until I realize that I'm standing in front of the door across the room from where the toilet is with my pants on. And, and it's bad. The relief quickly turns into absolute horror and a realization that there's not enough one ply gas station bathroom toilet paper in the entire universe to fix the problem that I have now created for myself. That? Turns out, want to get this podcast like banned from, I don't know, platforms?

• 8:34Speaker 02

  What happened to that bathroom has got to be the most unholy shit that I have ever done a part of. I don't even want to describe it, but like, I had to give the key back to that guy.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  Like he's the only one working, right? It's a small town gas station. I had to walk up to that dude after having been in the bathroom for 45 minutes. Because there was, I had to, there was cleaning that was attempted. I had to, I had to get myself situated so I could be in public. I left my underwear. They were gone. I never saw those boxers again. They were sacrificed. And I had to walk up to that dude after being in the bathroom. And he knew I was in the bathroom because he gave me the key. And I'm sure he was sitting there just like, man, I hope that dude's not doing some crazy shit in our bathroom. I hope he's not doing like drugs or something terrible. God.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  And I just walked up to him on the way out and literally looked him in the eye and gave him the key and just sort of nodded. Couldn't bring myself to say anything and fucking drove off.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  I would love to know that reaction that that guy had. I can't imagine.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  All right, anyway, Bob, how would you give, what should I do?

• 9:47Speaker 02

  Uh, so you've just got your order. You're sitting in the mobile, whatever, the spot where you wait, where they bring you the wrong food because that shit never works quite right. You always get the wrong something or they don't give you the sauce for your nuggets or whatever. It's always disappointing when you get delegated to those spots. What you do is you move to a normal parking spot. So you're not inconveniencing the next people who are going to have to use that spot. Go to the trunk of your car and you get out the Ronald McDonald costume and clown makeup that you keep tucked around the side of the spare tire in the well of the trunk of your car. And you get fully made up as Ronald McDonald. Uh, the face makeup, the whole thing, you get the wig, all of the stuff.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  And then you just march confidently into the store and you, you walk up, you cut in front of anyone who might be in line. You walk up to the cashier and you say, I need to speak with your manager. This is a cloud inspection.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  And then when they get the manager and the manager comes up and they're like, no, I, the regional, I know Dave, he's the regional manager, I don't, and you say, whose clown name is on this clown restaurant? This is an inspection! And you force your way back into the kitchen and you find the meekest looking teenager who's working there so that you know that they'll listen to you. And you, and you single them out and you go, you! Show me how you make chocolate milkshakes! And they go, uh, oh, oh, oh, we're, we're out of chocolate, actually, right now. And you say, well, then you better make some more! Ronald wants a chucky shake! And you scream at them until they make a new batch of chocolate milkshakes. You go through all this and once they do it, you get, you, you, you're not trying to ruin this one individual employee's day.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  So they do it and you're like, good job! And you give them like a star on their name tag or something, whatever they do at McDonald's. And then you just storm out with your big clown shoes, go back to the truck of your car, wipe the makeup off, put your regular clothes back on. Go back inside and order your chocolate shake, because now they have a whole batch of chocolate shakes. And you get what you want. They got a little reality check from the clown himself and nobody gets hurt. Sir, this is a Wendy's?

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, it's, it's really very specific.

• 11:57Speaker 02

  Okay, you go back to your car and you get the Wendy wig and the blue...

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Here we go.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  I tend to hear these before.

• 12:19Speaker 04

  I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow. Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs?

• 12:29Speaker 02

  No, you know what that was? That was Tyler, six minutes into a hard laugh.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Here, I'll play it again because...

• 12:37Speaker 04

  Please.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  This is a real animal. This is a real animal. I want to qualify. These are all animals, okay?

• 12:55Speaker 02

  I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey who forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound.

• 12:59Speaker 04

  Is it weird? My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs.

• 13:04Speaker 02

  Is that what the the second half is? Mark starts falling down the stairs.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  I'll hold your impressions because there's gonna be another point on the board. I want you guys to understand, neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 13:21Speaker 04

  There's a lot of stairs in Camel Land.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  God, this one's tough. If I really go over this, I feel like this is gonna physically hurt me.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  You both just did it together.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, is that it? Did I do it? That felt good.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Uh, did it? I don't think it looked. It didn't look like it felt good.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  Oh, no, it felt better than I thought it would.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Next article. There's nothing about this article, really, but I want you to hear the title. Florida Senate Race. Randolph Bracy Slams Sister For Running Against Him In Orange County.

• 13:57Speaker 04

  Like verbally, like they fucked or like?

• 14:01Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  Randolph Bracy, huh?

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Slams sister.

• 14:07Speaker 04

  For running against him.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  What's her name? Lacey Bracy?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  I don't know. I didn't read the article. I'm just looking at the title. What was his name? Rudolph?

• 14:15Speaker 02

  Randolph.

• 14:16Speaker 04

  Randolph.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Randolph? There's nothing else about it. It's the slam. Are you focusing on the names or anything else in the title?

• 14:23Speaker 02

  I've actually got a local citizen here. Sir, what was your name? Uh, I go by Saint Nicholas. Yeah. Old Rudolph Bracy. I was actually gonna have him lead my sleigh tonight. Uh, but he told me just before we were about to take off, he's, he's, he's running for senate, apparently. And he's on the naughty list, so that's, that's not likely. Not likely. His sister, though.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  I'd slam her. All right, anyway, Santa Claus, everybody. Thanks so much for the interview, sir. Yeah, Santa Claus lives in Florida. He retired to Florida. That's where he spent his offseason. Did I do it right?

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, you sure did.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  I call for one more coin toss. No more topics. And if I win the coin toss, I will at least give you that this is a fair episode.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  All right, okay.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  If I lose an eighth coin toss in a row, I'm not sure what's gonna happen. I gotta be honest. I don't know.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  I will allow you to pick the method by which I flip, where I flip, what I pick it up with.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  I would like you to do what you've basically been doing. Start with your hand, with it on top of your hand in camera, and just do like a thumb flippy, like you've been doing.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  And just have it land on the desk.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Okay, on the desk.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  And then just, just tell the honest to God truth, what it comes up as.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  I will move my monitors out of the way and I will point my camera at it without touching it.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Okay, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna flip it in camera. It's gonna go straight up.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  I'm sticking with heads.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Sticking with heads.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  Heads. I've never lost with heads.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Are we ready? Three, two.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Ah, fucking no way!

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Eight points to nothing!

• 16:26Speaker 04

  Mark, you might just need to call this before he comes back. He's really mad.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  No, it can land the other way. I don't, I don't know. Wade, call it. I'm scared.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  Oh, let's go heads.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Okay, it's not cursed for you.

• 16:40Speaker 04

  I don't know what's going on.

• 16:46Speaker 05

  Low energy, unfocused, foggy, you might be dehydrated. Gatorade Zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body. With a clinically proven electrolyte blend and no artificial colors or flavors. Great tasting hydration, no matter where you're going. Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade. Hydrates better than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. It's that exciting time of year when big sales are on and I forget who I am and what I'm doing. I don't know what happens to my brain on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Stuff pops up, the numbers go down and monkey brain takes over and I gotta have it. Well, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitor your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over 880 million in canceled subscriptions alone.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Their 10 million members save up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/distractible today. That's rocketmoney.com/distractible.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  What you do is, you don't leave, you're still gonna eat, you're already at the restaurant and like, it's, it would take so long to get somewhere. It's not like you're gonna save time going somewhere else. But if you want to speed up, you go out, step out, excuse yourself, go out to the car, grab your eight ball of cocaine that you keep in the car purely for planting evidence purposes. Go back inside, ask an employee where the bathroom is and look kinda lost and wander your way back to the employee locker room. You notice the name on the waiter's name tag before all of this started. So find the locker that has their name on it, stick that in there, go back to your table,

• 18:57Speaker 02

  get the manager's attention, let them know that you saw some white powder or substance or something on a waiter's nose and you have some concerns they're behaving erratically, whatever. Cops will be there in 10 minutes, you'll get a new waiter, service will be impeccable. The manager will see to it that you get everything you want so that you don't do anything crazy and talk about their coked up waiter who wouldn't bring you your drinks and appetizers. I got another option. Mine involves, okay, in this universe, your close, personal friends with Vin Diesel.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  You call Vin, you tell him you're at a restaurant where they claim that when you're here, you're family. And then he gets outraged for you. And Vin Diesel comes into the Olive Garden and just starts shouting at everyone, "It's about family!" And then they're all like, "Vin Diesel, and your service is actually way worse." But Vin Diesel's there.

• 19:51Speaker 04

  All right, it is an option.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  All right, what you do is you reach into the novelty pumpkin Halloween candy container that you use as a purse, and you pull out cans of SpaghettiOs that you always carry with you just in case. And then since it's Italian food, nobody notices, and you just eat cold SpaghettiOs right out of the can, cuz you're family.

• 20:12Speaker 04

  I thought you were... all right, okay.

• 20:15Speaker 02

  All right, this Olive Garden is on the moon. You're inside where nobody has space suits on. You look at your waiter when you finally get her attention and you say, "Hey, excuse me, I think one of our party is outside trying to find the entrance. Would you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant?" And without thinking, they go to the door and crack it open to peek out. But they don't have a spacesuit on! And they get sucked out into space, and they freeze to death on the surface of the moon.

• 20:46Speaker 02

  And then you get spaghetti from somewhere else.

• 20:49Speaker 04

  All right, well done. I think that was pretty good.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Does any of that solve your problem? All of them solve it. All of them solve it. Problem solved forever.

• 20:57Speaker 04

  I can't believe you did an entire episode about Olive Garden. All right, we got some more, Bob. Let's go back.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  You're in the peach in the claymation movie, James and the Giant Peach. You're the spider. James is the waiter.

• 21:09Speaker 04

  What you do is you kill him. That's it.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Before we get any further into this, can I just say, um, I have bad news?

• 21:17Speaker 04

  Huh? Why?

• 21:18Speaker 02

  Can you see how wet my pants are, Mark?

• 21:23Speaker 02

  Can you see how wet they are? Oh, you know what's an even better illustration than my pants being wet?

• 21:28Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Look at the chair. The wetness on the edge of the chair. It's wet. I could not live with another episode of this. I couldn't do it. It's already cold. I enforce the piss pants rule.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  Do you need a moment to clean up?

• 21:49Speaker 02

  No, I'm not. I'm not cleaning anything. My punishment is that I will continue to sit here and do whatever needs to be done to move on.

• 22:00Speaker 04

  Is it on your floor? Like, do you need to wipe up your chair?

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Like, it's on the chair, but it's not on the floor. You know, maybe a little pet cleaner might be a good idea. So I don't know.

• 22:10Speaker 04

  It wouldn't hurt to do just a little bit.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  This is like an everyman's way to emotionally manipulate your kid into not eating too much candy. Uh, it's a company called Candy Uncle.

• 22:23Speaker 04

  Go on.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  The entire service is based around the idea that you tell a kid if you eat more than one piece of candy, uh, something bad will happen. Keep it vague. The thing that's bad that happens, though, is turns out Uncle Jeremiah, who just randomly appeared shortly after the birth of whatever kid.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  Right.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Uh, Uncle Jeremiah is around a lot, stays over a lot. Uh, when you create the situation where you tempt the kid into eating too many candies, Uncle Jeremiah mysteriously dies.

• 22:52Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  That's the bad thing. You just rent Uncle Jeremiah from Candy Uncle. He hangs around a little. They can make the rounds, right? Uncles aren't always there.

• 23:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  A Candy Uncle can serve upwards of eight to 10 families all at the same time. As long as they're in the same region.

• 23:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Candy Uncles just drive from house to house, spend a little time, bring some, you know, small gifts, trinkets, toys, whatever, kid stuff.

• 23:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  And then at the appropriate time, you just make sure you schedule it with your Candy Uncle.

• 23:20Speaker 04

  Uh huh.

• 23:20Speaker 02

  They're around, the kid eats the the extra pieces of candy, and Uncle Jeremiah, uh, bites it. Lesson, lesson learned. Simple, clean, great business model.

• 23:31Speaker 04

  You know, actually.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  That's so fantastic because number one, it's just genius. And number two, they don't know that things are directly correlated one to the other, but they'll assume it is, you know? Cause they've always heard that something bad will happen if they eat too much candy. And then Uncle Candy, Candy Uncle dies suddenly and tragically and violently, I hope.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  No, yeah, it's gross. It's very graphic. It's a lot like what you described, right? But you come upon the kid and you're like, wait, wait.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Did you, did you eat an extra piece? Did you eat an extra piece of candy? And they're like, oh, man. And you're like, come with me. And you bring them into the room, the staged room with the Candy Uncle. There's blood, vomiting, things like they're super graphic, super moist death.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I was assuming that it was like, you know, they ate the piece of candy. You're like, oh, how could you? Ah, I, I hope nothing bad happens. And then the next day they get a call, what? No, to shreds, you say? You know, and then it's a closed casket funeral. Very sad, you know?

• 24:34Speaker 02

  It costs more to have a fully dressed Candy Uncle death live in-house.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's more certain.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  But that's the different levels of service that you can offer, right?

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, this is great.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  A distant Candy Uncle, the kid gets to know them, establish the connection and then dies over the phone. You can have dies in front of them. You can have, as the kid swallows the piece of candy, violent, traumatic death. Like the kid is swallowing the candy, Uncle walks into the room, boom, chandelier. Direct correlation, like as the chocolate is melting and running down their throat, they're swallowed. The kid is like, God, that's good.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  Dead uncle.

• 25:12Speaker 02

  That's a strong message, but that's harder to organize. It costs a bit more.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  You're at an aquarium, having a lovely time. Best time, looking at all the fish. Oh, the jellyfish exhibit, it's all dark in here. You see them, oh, they're glowing. It's so cool. Walking through. All right, then you hear tink, tink, tink, tink. Well, that's an odd sound. Tink, tink, tink, tink. It's getting louder. Tink, tink, tink. You look behind you, there's someone, could be a little kid, just ding, ding, ding.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Ding ding ding on the glass everywhere, every single day, but ding ding tinging on the glass. That's illegal by itself, probably. How do I solve this even more illegally? Obviously, you were going to the aquarium, so you slug Maui's magical fish hook on your back before you headed out the door. It's not made of metal and it looks decorative. So when you're entering the aquarium and you walk through the metal detectors, everyone's cool with it. They think you're just goofing around. The little shit behind you starts knocking on the glass. You take Maui's fish hook off your back, turn around, transform into top half shark, bottom half legs, so you can still stand there, look at him with your weird shark face and go, yes?

• 26:25Speaker 02

  And the kid is like, what? What? And you say, you knocked, right? And the kid goes, what? And then you bite his fucking hand off. And before you turn back into a human, you swallow his hand and you say, don't fucking knock on my fucking glass. And then you just turn back into a human and walk away. Okay, we'll remember that lesson for the rest of their life. I feel like this is a thing I've just either have never heard of or don't use is where I'm at right now.

• 26:53Speaker 04

  I'd be shocked.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  You've, yeah, you've heard of this.

• 26:55Speaker 04

  You've heard of it. You've probably seen it used more recently than you think.

• 26:58Speaker 02

  Chapstick?

• 27:00Speaker 04

  It is. And I put some on while you were.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  How the actual fuck is chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen? Those are liquids. Well, I could see, I could see it being related to that. Also, how is that not a container full of chapstick? You completely got me off of anything that was like lotion or deodorant or chapstick. But you said it wasn't a plastic container filled with something. Did he ask that question? Yes, I asked if it was a container and his answer was, oh, not really. I don't think of it like that.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  No, the primary part of it is not a container. The primary part of chapstick is the chapstick.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  It is a container filled with a material.

• 27:40Speaker 04

  We've all, I don't know. I went through it. Mark and I went through it. We did the best we could with that, man.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  I didn't hear that question. I didn't hear that one. I feel like the container one totally shut off the realm of a bottle of lotion.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  It was a tough question. Like you could see it was a tough question to answer.

• 27:55Speaker 02

  It's not. No, I don't actually. If you asked me if chapstick is a container, I would say yes. It's it has a container because it has a lid.

• 28:05Speaker 04

  I think my answer was it's not primarily a container because the primary part of chapstick is the stuff you use.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  No, you said that about something else. Specifically, I wrote down that you said, I know, kind of. I don't think of it as a container.

• 28:17Speaker 04

  I don't. I mean, it is a.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  It is specifically a plastic tube containing the chapstick. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Or a thing of lip balm in a little container, which by the way, could be made of metal, but that one's not that strong of an argument.

• 28:31Speaker 04

  Okay. You know, I wasn't thinking of the little handheld lip balm.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  That that was a fair item, but I do feel like a couple of those questions really fucked me.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  They were tough to answer for my defense. They were tough to answer. Bob, uh, funerals.

• 28:44Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 02

  Oh, let me just stretch the anger out a little bit.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Don't even get me started on funerals. Did I not give you enough while you were alive?

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Did you not take enough of my precious time while you could reciprocate anything? Let's not even get into whether you did or did not ever say thank you for the countless hours of my life I gave to you. Grandma coming to visit, spending the holidays with you, eating the food you made for me to make me eat. It's awful. Don't get me started on funerals. Like those people need any more attention. Only the most narcissistic, selfish, unbelievably self-centered people would possibly think that what they need

• 29:37Speaker 02

  after they have left their family mourning and just torn apart is a party for them. That's who's important at that moment in time. That's what everyone wants. And open casket funerals? Please.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, I'm gonna die. And then I want you to dress me up real nice. And I want you to do my makeup. And I want you to pretend, stuff my cheeks with cotton balls. Pretend like they're not all sunken in. And then come look at me and talk to me like I'm there. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair to everyone. I need that. In the afterlife, I'll really enjoy that. I'll drink it up like a delicious salve on my soul. That's fair. That's good. Miss you grandma. Oh man.

• 30:27Speaker 04

  Having been to like a hundred funerals, you know what Bob, that was spot on.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  That's spot on. I think, I think he's got it. Selfish bastards.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Unbelievable behavior coming on over here.

• 30:37Speaker 04

  So, one of the, the episodes of all time of Distractible was Bob's fridge. So, we can't do a whole episode on it because this is one man show. We have other stuff to do. So, I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's fridge, but without using any verbs.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  Do I get a script or synopsis or anything?

• 30:55Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 30:56Speaker 04

  You get to have lived it and retell it from memory.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, but no verbs.

• 31:00Speaker 04

  And what do you think Mark? We should put like one minute on the clock for him?

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Oh, you can have more than one minute. We can give him, it's a long story. You know, we'll, we'll just give him like, if he runs on too long, like it shouldn't last longer than three minutes, but we'll give him some time.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  No verbs is gonna be hard, but I think I can do it maybe.

• 31:18Speaker 04

  You got it.

• 31:19Speaker 02

  Oh hey, we're here to, yeah, oh hang on. Uh huh. Right now? Oh, never mind. I'll, gotta, yeah.

• 31:32Speaker 02

  Oh. Oh. Fridge, two guys, front door, me, the

• 31:45Speaker 02

  the one guy. Oh no, no, thank you. Oh, there we go. Side yard. You guys, fridge. Yeah, yeah, perfect. And then the bush.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  Hey, hey, inside.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  The bush, the bush, the fridge, the bush.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  Oh, what's that? Oh no! Oh, the water shut off? No, no! That's a noun!

• 32:22Speaker 01

  You're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, I got it. Okay, you're good.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  A new house? I don't know. It should be water shut off. I didn't make this here.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  Sorry, bush.

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Did I, that part? Yeah. Anyway. I don't think that's how you do fridge, house. Right?

• 32:50Speaker 01

  Thinks of a verb, isn't it? I think.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Not when I do it.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Good answer.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Anger.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Unacceptable!

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Two guys.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  Fridge.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  That was beautiful. Oh, man.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  I don't remember what, not that much actually happened. I was just so mad. I kept talking about it.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's amazing what verbs will do to pad time out. That was, uh, that was good.

• 33:33Speaker 05

  Low energy, unfocused, foggy? You might be dehydrated. Gatorade Zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body. With a clinically proven electrolyte blend and no artificial colors or flavors. Great tasting hydration, no matter where you're going. Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade hydrates better than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.

• 34:03Speaker 01

  You are going to explain how to boil an egg.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Mommy says I'm not allowed to use the stove. I boil an egg. By getting an egg out of the fridge and putting it in a plastic bowl. And then I fill the bowl with water. And then if you microwave that for like 11 minutes, it's boiled.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  Wow, Bob is, Bob is better at this game than I ever could have imagined.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  All right, that was a, that was a very generous, that was like a lob first serve. It was so much old, you can go from there.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Uh, Bob, older.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  Back in Nam, what we used to do is you didn't have fire. You had bamboo everywhere. You chop down the driest bamboo you could find. You get a little fire going. You take your, you take your hat, your helmet, cause it's metal, right? And you'll put that over the fire. You put your eggs in there and we didn't have clean water. So you filled it with piss and you boiled your eggs in piss. That's what happened in Nam.

• 35:09Speaker 04

  Like so kind of Jack Nicholson.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  I don't fucking know, man. How do you, how does a Vietnam war better and talk about boiling piss eggs? I don't know.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Uh, a great play. I immediately understood your age. Fantastic. All right, Bob, what's your play?

• 35:27Speaker 02

  You know, I ate boiled eggs outside of the Appomattox courthouse when Ulysses S. Grant surrendered to the blue coats.

• 35:38Speaker 02

  And I didn't know what for cooking, but I saw the women folk take them eggs over to the fire, toss them in a pot of boiling water, then pluck them out one by one, what with their bare fingers. That was the tastiest spoiled egg I ever had in my life. Tasted like victory. It's a lot of vigor for a civil war vet, but.

• 35:59Speaker 04

  Wait, civil war vet?

• 36:00Speaker 02

  That's, is that not Ulysses S. Grant surrendered at Appomattox? Is that not?

• 36:04Speaker 04

  No, I, you're right. I'm just thinking of how old a civil war vet would be right now.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Very old.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  All right, okay. All right, Bob, what you got?

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Setting, early 20th century, like 19 teens. We're inside a newly discovered and, and recently opened pyramid. I'm a young doctoral candidate who studies ancient languages and I've excitedly calling my professor over. Doctor, doctor Winthrop, look, doctor, look, I think I've broken this one. This right here, this, these symbols I think mean egg of a chicken. This, this is the symbol for, of, of a vessel. And it appears to be filled with, with water. I think water, wine is different. This is water, a vessel filled with water and the chicken's egg into the vessel. And then this, this over here, this is a great fire. They put the vessel with the egg and the water over the great fire. What could this mean?

• 36:58Speaker 02

  Doctor.

• 36:59Speaker 06

  Well, what did the Egyptians know that we don't?

• 37:02Speaker 02

  And that is the world's oldest recipe for boiling an egg.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  Incredible. Wow, astounding.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  I have an idea. Okay, I have an idea. Are we ready?

• 37:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  There's a fire and there's water boiling in this.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  It's been approximately seven minutes. Yeah, full time to boil an egg.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  The Edothals were approximately on the earth, something like 340,000 years ago.

• 37:49Speaker 04

  I concede, Ben.

• 37:51Speaker 06

  I'm on the hill. Boy, it's dark. Switch the sunglasses. A meteor. Say a prayer. Get naked. Butthole sun. Feeling great. Celebration beans.

• 38:03Speaker 06

  You know what? My friend Mark, he's kind of crazy. I call Mark. I'm like, Mark, meteor.

• 38:10Speaker 06

  Nothing else. I keep.

• 38:16Speaker 06

  I keep eating beans.

• 38:19Speaker 06

  And I pull on myself. I'm like, wait, the White House. I call the White House. I'm like, hey.

• 38:27Speaker 06

  Nothing happens. I'm like, wait, but it is. Anything's lost. Again, I'm called by Affleck. And I'm like, hey, we're the freakers right now. I don't know his face there. I'm from Affleck. We get late. It's my job. Then I pull the rubber and run down the hill to the launch pad where the shuttle is ready to take me up. And meet the meteor in space.

• 39:01Speaker 06

  Ha!

• 39:03Speaker 02

  I'll give you a point. I'm on the hill, dark sunglasses, meteor, prayer, naked, butthole. Beans time. Eating the beans? Beans don't work. Oh, Mark, Mark, meteor. Oh, nothing happened. Oh, White House, any meteor, nothing happened. Oh, A.J. Frost, any meteor. Oh, Bill O'Conne, that one guy at hell, get his face off. Ooh, nothing happened. Oh, the tape, sir. Get all the t- get, get, get, get, nothing happened. More bean, more bean, more bean. Oh, I'm not like, sorry again, as hard as I can.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  I don't have anything. Oh, my God, how did I just get spit on my glasses? What is happening?

• 39:55Speaker 01

  What are your thoughts on mining?

• 39:57Speaker 02

  Yep. Analyzing.

• 40:00Speaker 04

  It's irrelevant to our everyday life.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Well, it's a random topic. Don't even get me started on mining. You know who mines? Miners. You know what miners talk like? Oh, cinnamon and gravy. Oh, what happened? Gus Chickens? Could you live with that? I grew up in a town of miners. Every fucking adult talk like that. Could you imagine that life? You know how hard it was for me to learn how to talk normally? Like a human person like this? Don't even get me started. And the clothes. It's the 21st century and miners still dress like it's 1863.

• 40:43Speaker 02

  And no one has invented clothing in the last. Look, it's not even about that. I just wish my dad had been around. Yes, he needed to provide for his family. Yes, mining is a job. No earning money at the company store is not the same as living the American dream. It was a hellhole and we were all trapped together. The mine was, was supposed to be your way out, but it turns out work will not set you free. Work will just keep you in the mine while your son's at basketball practice, wondering if his dad's gonna see him make a free throw this weekend. Spoilers, he's not.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  The mine took my father, the mine took all six of my brothers, then the mine took my life away from me, even though it didn't kill me because I escaped by sheer luck and happenstance. A grifter picked me up on the side of the state road as I was wandering away from my father's funeral. Don't even get me started on funerals. And he happened to drop me off in the beautiful land of opportunity that is Cincinnati, Ohio. I made me who I is and now... I almost slipped back into miner speak. Don't you let me do it. If I talk like that ever again, I want you to slap me in the face and drive a pickaxe

• 42:05Speaker 02

  through my heart because I don't want any part of me to remember what mining is or what mining does to people or ever of how many brothers I said I have, six I think it was. Why are we digging holes in the ground in 2017? What's the point?

• 42:22Speaker 01

  I'd be more worried about laters if I were you. Thank you. I want to hear more about that story. That's just, I'm captivated by that life.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  My dad didn't even dig in the mine. He was the canary.

• 42:41Speaker 03

  Watch new episodes on Spotify.