Pod Insights Distractible Best of Wade: Part 1 (Compilation) About this episode It's time once again to venture into "The Distractible Vault" to retrieve some of the most bald, car-less, and boat-loving moments of the King of Meat himself, Wade.
Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds.
Learn more at uber.com/onourway
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
0:30 Speaker 01 This episode of Distractible is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay. How do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know.
0:41 Speaker 02 I don't know. But I do know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15-minute setup, a price for any budget, and five-year price guarantee. Visit tmobile.com/homeinternet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet. Data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.
1:01 Speaker 01 Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet. Data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G networks. Speeds very new to factor affecting cellular and networks. Guarantee exclusions, details at tmobile.com/homeinternet.
1:13 Speaker 03 Back through the lofts we hunt for wondrous escapades. Heh heh heh heh heh. It's time for Best of Wade, Part One. And I'm bald.
1:26 Speaker 04 (laughing)
1:30 Speaker 05 I don't know why I did that.
1:31 Speaker 04 (laughing)
1:34 Speaker 02 Oh my God, is that Guru Stefan? Guru Harold's bald cousin?
1:39 Speaker 05 I don't know what happened to me there. I was possessed. I'm haunted. Man, get ready for that to be quoted for a very long time.
1:46 Speaker 03 And I am bald.
1:48 Speaker 04 (laughing)
1:49 Speaker 02 I'm gonna make that a notification sound on my phone. What was it? What was your title, Wade? Rock-a-bye?
1:55 Speaker 05 Rock-a-bye Bobby.
1:56 Speaker 02 Oh, that sounds sweet. That sounds calming.
1:58 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:58 Speaker 02 Already, that sounds calm, rather than what Mark had going on.
2:01 Speaker 05 Well, so my thought process is, is if you're an infant, like, what are you gonna really remember from this talk? Other than maybe like some sing-songy little lullaby? So I wrote you a little lullaby.
2:13 Speaker 02 Oh, beautiful.
2:14 Speaker 05 Oh, wow. That hopefully will stick with you for life.
2:17 Speaker 02 Oh, okay.
2:18 Speaker 05 All right? So I'm just gonna sing it to you. You ready for some cringe, everyone out there?
2:22 Speaker 02 Oh, do it.
2:24 Speaker 05 Rock-a-bye Bobby on the treetop. Mommy is dead, but you still have pops. Now that she's gone, the money go by. So sleep, little Bobby, so Papa can cry. And when you wake, Pa will still be sad. So grow up and deal, cuz that's life with dear Dad.
3:06 Speaker 01 Wow.
3:10 Speaker 05 That's your first life lesson?
3:11 Speaker 02 Oh no!
3:12 Speaker 01 I'll, I'll take my L, Bob.
3:17 Speaker 02 I had so little expectations coming into this. That fuck.
3:25 Speaker 02 I did not see that coming.
3:27 Speaker 01 Do I need to repeat what the game we're playing is?
3:30 Speaker 02 I pretty much got it, I think. I'll get, I'll get all the questions correct and Wade will make all the noises and it'll be a tie.
3:35 Speaker 01 Alright, it may, it may be difficult. It may be difficult. Alright, hold on.
3:44 Speaker 05 Is the whole thing one animal?
3:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, that's goats. That's what goats sound like. I got that one.
3:54 Speaker 01 Holy shit.
3:55 Speaker 05 I have to do an impression now, is that right?
3:57 Speaker 01 You could also abstain if you don't wanna hurt your voice or anything.
3:59 Speaker 05 Okay.
4:00 Speaker 01 Alright.
4:10 Speaker 01 I think Wade gets it for the horrified scream and the discrepancy between the two. It truly is. I can't even do it. He did great.
4:19 Speaker 05 Okay, so what's the, we have to describe this as if we are old or as an old person would?
4:23 Speaker 01 No, where you're getting older. So each one of you would have to explain it older than the other one. You are going to explain how to boil an egg.
4:35 Speaker 05 Uh, turn on the stove, set your pot there. Uh, oh shit, forgot water. Uh, uh, go fill up with water at the sink. Put it back on the stove. Uh, you wait for the bubbles, put in your egg, wait till whatever Google tells you to wait for. Off the heat, take it out, dump your water and wait for your egg to cool. What was that, our age? I figured talking about Google, maybe like, you know, twenties.
4:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, no, that, that works. I think that works. Wade, older.
5:02 Speaker 05 And what we used to do is gather some sticks, uh, put them together and, uh, uh, uh, you have to light them. Uh, you get some little leaves and stuff, you light them. And you get your kettle and you put it on top of there. Make sure you take it down to the, uh, creek and get some water.
5:26 Speaker 05 The egg, uh, is in there and the water's hot. Yeah, you can eat it. What's that? Old?
5:33 Speaker 03 I handed an egg to Jesus himself. And I swear, he touched it, he handed it back, the shell came off and it was jelly-like. So I ate it. Jesus made that egg so good.
5:54 Speaker 05 Somehow we got seasonings inside the egg. On the seventh day, I was supposed to rest.
6:01 Speaker 05 But this fucking idiot just ate my apple. I guess, uh, I don't know what the fuck that thing is, but let's make it youth edible. Uh, many different ways, I suppose they could try frying. Ooh, ooh, that spring looks kind of warm. I wonder if you put one in there? Yes. Uh, and then you could, ah, they could boil it too. Oh God, and they're hideous naked. They should put some clothes.
6:26 Speaker 02 Man, God was not who I thought he was.
6:29 Speaker 01 VPN signups skyrocket in face of porn bans in specifically red states. Uh, if you didn't know, hypocrisy abound. Porn very bad, but the states that are banning it are seeing unprecedented levels of VPNs accessing porn to this day. Discuss.
6:50 Speaker 05 Apparently it's gone beyond people now.
6:52 Speaker 02 Hmm?
6:53 Speaker 05 What? It's gone into like air and water bending because we have the red sea and blue sky. It's getting crazy out there, not just red and blue states.
7:04 Speaker 02 Did I just miss five minutes of conversation or?
7:07 Speaker 05 Back to you in the studio, Bob.
7:10 Speaker 02 How do you get throw it back to yourself in the studio?
7:13 Speaker 05 I met Wade.
7:14 Speaker 02 Oh, thanks, Bob. I, George Wade Barnes, just want to come out staunchly in favor of porn bans, but also staunchly in favor of VPNs.
7:26 Speaker 01 If they knew who you were and what you were watching, they would be able to determine people that might be gay, but not out in the openly gay. I said that terribly. I said that horribly, but it would allow government institutions or companies to identify people's sexual orientation based on what they watch. And you know, that by itself isn't bad, but depending on the people who have that information and have certain opinions about others' sexual orientation or otherwise could be very extremely excessively bad. So like the, the, the bad sides are pretty bad. The good sides are limited.
8:10 Speaker 01 Uh, Wade, in the field, how you feeling that hurricane?
8:13 Speaker 05 Uh, it's real blowy. Uh, it's real bad. Thankfully it's all straight out here. There's none of that gay wind blowing around.
8:25 Speaker 05 Not sure what transition you wanted with the hurricane, but it's what you get.
8:30 Speaker 02 That is one hell of a data point for them to suss out on your personal internet record. I'll tell you what.
8:37 Speaker 02 The personality analysis algorithms are gonna be confused.
8:43 Speaker 05 We did say there's none of the gay wind. How do we interpret this? Do we get them? Do we not get them? I don't know.
8:48 Speaker 02 Why is it on the ground?
8:52 Speaker 02 Why are you a Muppet character?
8:55 Speaker 05 Oh my god.
8:57 Speaker 02 I see we get him. Elmo needs to know his next move. Elmo needs to know right now.
9:03 Speaker 05 Back to you in the studio.
9:05 Speaker 01 Good. Well, great reporting. That's why you won those awards. All right, Wade.
9:10 Speaker 05 Yeah. Pets. Honestly, don't get me started on pets. Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have you know. Pets, they're cute, they're cuddly, they're fun, sure, but nobody wants to talk about what pets actually need. Money for vet bills, leaky anal glands. You gotta take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass to release their anal glands. Cause apparently that's a fucking thing they don't teach them. Oh, I wanna get you a puppy. No, you fucking don't. You're gonna gel up your fingers and shove it up Fido's ass? Well, someone has to because anal glands get clogged. It's disgusting. Oh, and then they get older. We outlive our pets. That's really sad. It sucks losing pets. Been there, done that. They don't train you for that shit either. But when they get old, it's not all cute, cuddly, fun games. No.
9:54 Speaker 05 I'm learning that cats stop using the litter box and they shit on the floor and they drag their ass. They go outside, they eat grass, they come inside and guess what? Oh, grass. That doesn't feel so good. Oh, I vomited. That makes me need to shit too for some reason. Let me just leave all of that right by the couch where you sit. So your feet could either be in the nice nasty icky or on the lovely cleaning solution you put down. Just got a new rug? Oh boy, no more yet. I better go mark that. Hike, piss, bleh, all over the goddamn place. Oh. I don't wanna eat the food you got today, father. Oh, this canned food? It isn't what I happen to want. I don't want those treats today. I want what you want.
10:36 Speaker 05 All that steak that you've been cooking looks great. You had to look away to crack open a drink? Oh, fucking mind. Get your own food now, dad. Okay, guess I'll just fucking starve. What good do you give me? Some cuddles, some cute moments, but all of the shit. Don't get me started.
10:53 Speaker 01 God, you really went there, man.
10:55 Speaker 02 I hope your pets don't listen to this podcast.
10:57 Speaker 05 Yeah, man. I'm gonna make them.
11:01 Speaker 02 This is what you play for them when you leave the house. Play with their cage and play this episode on full volume.
11:07 Speaker 05 Oh yeah, take out the blankets, just cold hard crate with a TV monitor and this.
11:11 Speaker 01 That's pretty good. That's pretty good, man. Next up, Bob, you're first.
11:23 Speaker 02 I think I know this one too.
11:26 Speaker 05 Oh yes, the AR-15.
11:28 Speaker 04 What the fuck? What the hell is some?
11:33 Speaker 02 No, no, yeah. I know, I think I know what that is. I think, I think that's a, um, is that a magpie?
11:42 Speaker 01 No, unfortunately, it's not.
11:44 Speaker 02 I think I still know what it is. I think I just don't know what it's called. Cause I could see, I can see this bad boy.
11:50 Speaker 05 Uh, it's obviously the, uh, African hissing cockroach.
11:55 Speaker 01 A damn fine guess, but a damn wrong guess.
11:59 Speaker 02 Think it is actually an African animal.
12:00 Speaker 01 I'll let Wade also chime in on this because here is this animal. And I am unsure if this is actually gonna make the sound in the video. I can't see how, but here we go.
12:12 Speaker 02 Oh.
12:14 Speaker 01 Oh.
12:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, I see it. Yeah, I see it. I see it.
12:19 Speaker 01 Damn, that's loud.
12:20 Speaker 02 That's so loud. That's terrifying.
12:22 Speaker 05 This is a bird that has seen war and is mimicking war.
12:26 Speaker 01 Oh, hold on, I gotta play it one more time.
12:31 Speaker 01 It's so big.
12:32 Speaker 05 Can I vote? We don't try to mimic that sound, cause I'll break my teeth.
12:36 Speaker 02 Well, don't, don't do that.
12:40 Speaker 05 My mouth hurts.
12:42 Speaker 01 Uh, if you feel like you have to, I can't stop you, but I don't suggest it.
12:46 Speaker 05 Can you play it one, play it one more time?
12:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, I get you.
13:00 Speaker 01 I think that was closer. That was pretty good. It had the right resonance to it.
13:05 Speaker 02 What's on your desk?
13:07 Speaker 05 That was my armrests and also at one point, one of them fully just went down, even though it shouldn't without pressing the button. So I'm a little concerned.
13:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, they're probably designed to withstand that.
13:17 Speaker 05 Also, ow, my hands hurt.
13:20 Speaker 02 Better than your teeth.
13:22 Speaker 05 You can't handle the truth.
13:24 Speaker 02 You can't handle my truth.
13:26 Speaker 05 You can't handle thigh truth.
13:28 Speaker 02 You can't handle fried truth.
13:30 Speaker 05 You can't handle fried Ruth.
13:32 Speaker 02 You can't handle deep fried Ruth.
13:35 Speaker 05 You Bob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
13:39 Speaker 02 Do I have to say my name there then? Yeah?
13:42 Speaker 05 I think so.
13:43 Speaker 02 You slob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
13:47 Speaker 05 You throb can't handle deep fried Ruth.
13:50 Speaker 02 You mob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
13:54 Speaker 05 You Cobb can't handle deep fried Ruth.
13:57 Speaker 02 You rob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:02 Speaker 05 Didn't he just say, didn't?
14:04 Speaker 02 He said throb. He said throb, I think. And we have said Bob, but Rob is different.
14:10 Speaker 05 You knob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:13 Speaker 02 You little knob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:17 Speaker 05 You little knob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:21 Speaker 02 You widow fucking knob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:25 Speaker 05 You widow fucking glob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:31 Speaker 02 You widow fucking shit glob can't handle deep fried Ruth.
14:36 Speaker 05 You widow fucking shit glob can't handle deep fried paper Ruth.
14:46 Speaker 02 You little fucking shit knob can't handle deep fried paper wrapped Ruth.
14:52 Speaker 05 You widow fucking shit knob can't handle deep fried
14:59 Speaker 05 paper sleuth.
15:06 Speaker 01 Paper wrapped Ruth.
15:07 Speaker 05 Paper wrapped!
15:10 Speaker 01 Also, I think there was some glob knob mix up.
15:13 Speaker 05 I made it glob. He turned it back to knob. So I just went with it because you didn't call him.
15:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, if I don't catch it, I don't think I can count it unless you do some kind of coin.
15:24 Speaker 05 I'm saving that for later. I'm gonna need it.
15:26 Speaker 01 Oh, I do have one more article. This is the most breaking news. This appeared just an hour ago. Elon Musk. Are you ready?
15:37 Speaker 05 I can't wait to see where this one goes.
15:39 Speaker 01 Appears to admit he's guilty of cheating in gaming scandal. This is might be the worst thing he's ever done in the last hour.
15:54 Speaker 05 Uh, my heart goes out to him. I can't believe this has come out.
16:06 Speaker 05 If he had just admitted to boosting in the first place, no one would have given a shit. But trying to claim it was his own work? Very unfortunate. Coming to you from one of the tier 15 maps, the path of exile, where I've been dead for the last hour after not knowing how to play.
16:21 Speaker 05 I'm coming to you live shackled in Elon's basement. I can tell you, he's been throwing a tantrum all day.
16:29 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
16:59 Speaker 05 This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door and because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are.
17:16 Speaker 01 Dude, them or the FBI? I'm not a hundred percent sure.
17:20 Speaker 05 Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will, we're on our way. Uber, on our way. Download the app today.
17:31 Speaker 01 Bob, I got a tough one for you.
17:32 Speaker 05 Okay.
17:33 Speaker 01 If you can identify this sound, you uh, could get a point.
17:38 Speaker 01 Oh God. I want to say this is some kind of arachnid. No, I'm going to go with cow.
17:43 Speaker 05 That is correct. It was a cow.
17:46 Speaker 01 Hard to believe.
17:47 Speaker 05 You get a point.
17:48 Speaker 01 All right, Wade.
17:49 Speaker 05 All right, here we go, here we go.
17:51 Speaker 02 Rrrrr.
17:58 Speaker 05 Sorry, I smigled again. It was a complete accident, guys.
18:01 Speaker 01 No, actually, wait, I totally forgot there was some other thing I was gonna do. Wade, is there any other thing that you think that animal could be that would be more convincing than the correct answer?
18:09 Speaker 05 Yeah, so after Tuesdays, whenever I usually do podcast, stream, and then record, I sit in this chair for a long time. That's also the sound my knees make whenever I stand up after being here for 12 hours.
18:19 Speaker 01 That's incorrect!
18:20 Speaker 05 You don't know that.
18:21 Speaker 01 You're right, I don't. If you can record that sound, and it sounds exactly like this recording.
18:29 Speaker 01 Alright, well, that was a tie, because I think you both made the exact same sound, and I don't know who did it better.
18:33 Speaker 05 My first one was clearly the best.
18:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, if Wade gets credit for his first one, doesn't that mean that I win?
18:38 Speaker 01 I have no idea. Was that... Should we count that? That was the official?
18:45 Speaker 01 Your ability to do a Gollum-esque cow is very impressive.
18:52 Speaker 02 Precious.
18:53 Speaker 05 Moo, precious.
18:57 Speaker 05 It's me, Smiggle.
18:59 Speaker 02 Hey, is that my ring?
19:02 Speaker 02 Where did you find that?
19:04 Speaker 05 What is potatoes, precious?
19:06 Speaker 01 Gollum, how do we get to Mordor? Well, you take four of five?
19:10 Speaker 05 Follows me.
19:11 Speaker 02 If you reach the city of the damned, you've gone too far.
19:21 Speaker 01 Alright, we're spinning. And you guys are gonna... Ooh!
19:25 Speaker 02 Oh, God.
19:26 Speaker 05 Great, right off the bat. This is the one I was most looking forward to.
19:29 Speaker 01 You're gonna be getting more fanatical, formerly religious, but fanatical, as you explain. And Bob, you go first, so Wade, you're now going, and give us a nice baseline to work with, Wade, of how does photosynthesis work? Just the basics.
19:43 Speaker 05 Well, as all things, it works through a little bit of prayer and belief. We look up, and we are blessed with rays from above that come down, and they hit the greenery on this beautiful planet. As the rays hit the plants, they're filled with God's love, and they bloom.
20:00 Speaker 01 I've gotta pause. I'm so sorry. It has to start with a "normal." It has to start "normal," and... Then get fanatical. So I love, I love the, the ambition, but it-
20:10 Speaker 05 What's a normal fanatical explanation of photosynthesis?
20:13 Speaker 01 No, not fanatical.
20:15 Speaker 02 Not fanatical at all. Zero percent fanatical.
20:17 Speaker 05 Okay. So I'm not doing any kind of thing.
20:20 Speaker 01 No fanatical, yes, yes.
20:21 Speaker 05 All right. Fair enough. All right. Well, heat and light hitting a plant are converted into energy via the process of photosynthesis inside of a plant. Because the inside of plants are complex systems full of cells that require nutrients, including from the soil, from rain, so on and so forth. But light and heat are a very important source of energy. And the process of photosynthesis is simply the conversion of that energy into nutrients so that the plant can thrive.
20:48 Speaker 01 That's a very apt description. That's great. That is pretty much what photosynthesis is without getting too into the weeds. Wait, a little more fanatical.
20:56 Speaker 05 My brothers and sisters, I alone speak to the plants. I alone know what they have to say and what their needs are. And your generous donations are exactly what they need to get the process of photosynthesis started. Without you, the sun's rays will dim away. I've heard it from the plants themselves. They speak, they whisper, they yell, they scream, they cry, they love. And they need your love right now. So please be generous. Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet. Every blade of grass, every tree, they all need you and your support. And I will speak on their behalf and on your behalf to them to make sure we can all live in harmony. Amen.
21:35 Speaker 01 Amen, amen, amen. Very, very good.
21:38 Speaker 05 It's too late. There's nothing we can do except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back. Our blood is the key for the soil to be nutritized, to be deputized, to feel something again. Take the blades, take these cocktails, drink and slits, and allow our blood to bring the plants and photosynthesis back. For the sun is not strong enough without the blood of you and I.
22:10 Speaker 01 Jesus, god damn. Amen.
22:13 Speaker 02 Did Wade die?
22:15 Speaker 01 I think he sacrificed himself.
22:16 Speaker 02 Oh, I get it. That's very fanatical.
22:18 Speaker 05 I like my music like I like my weather.
22:21 Speaker 01 Punky.
22:25 Speaker 02 You need more lower lip bite if I'm gonna believe that one.
22:28 Speaker 05 Oh.
22:41 Speaker 05 I was like, oh, lower teeth need to bite lip.
22:48 Speaker 01 Man, that's gonna be clipped forever. That's gonna be forever.
22:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, I remember back when we were at Village Tavern and you know, you had those supermodels coming out.
23:05 Speaker 05 My single face. I've not worn that in 12 years.
23:09 Speaker 01 My single face.
23:13 Speaker 01 All right, I'm gonna show you guys a picture before we get to the next one.
23:17 Speaker 02 Ooh, somebody was drunk. Some, someone driving the paint truck just bouncing curb to curb as they go paint the lines on the road.
23:27 Speaker 01 All right, Wade, please describe this picture for everyone who's just listening.
23:30 Speaker 05 Unfortunately, what we're looking at is a really messed up image of the corpse of an old road. You can see the chalk lines where they were drawing where the road had died. And they paved a new road right on top of it, but they redrew the chalk lines to make sure you could see where that old windy road died.
23:47 Speaker 05 What we're actually, actually looking at is some of the most brilliant McDonald's marketing of all time. If you see the M's and the yellow lines, they want you to drive down the road and know you're headed toward McDonald's breakfast. What the fuck is this and why is this? It's like the road was too quick to get down. It's like, well, you make the road longer. What if we just make them curve around a little bit, make it take longer to get down the road?
24:09 Speaker 01 You got there eventually. Yes. This is a speed measure to try to get people to slow down in their driving. Now, here's the thing, this is in, where is this in? This is Pennsylvania and it's meant to zigzag because you can't, obviously, well, you totally can go fast doing this.
24:31 Speaker 05 I've got one of the local residents here who apparently has been experiencing other unforeseen issues. Uh, Drake Ulysses La, uh, do you want to tell us what you, what you've been seeing? It's actually pronounced Drac. The neighbors and I, one of the things we haven't noticed is that the paint prices have gone up dramatically since these roads have been painted in such a way. Wait, you said Pennsylvania, not Pennsylvania.
24:56 Speaker 01 Oh, man.
24:59 Speaker 04 She just actually, I think it was trans for a while.
25:05 Speaker 05 Back to you. Uh, that's my line. My bad. Uh, that's Drac. Back to you in the studio.
25:11 Speaker 01 Drake, Ulysses, uh.
25:14 Speaker 05 La.
25:15 Speaker 01 Uh, that almost made me vomit.
25:19 Speaker 01 Can't just unleash something like that.
25:22 Speaker 02 You weren't even laughing. You just jumped straight to vomit.
25:26 Speaker 01 Oh, man. Right to vomit. Right. Straight to vomit.
25:29 Speaker 05 When I said that name, did you guys have any idea what was coming?
25:31 Speaker 02 No, I was so fucking confused.
25:34 Speaker 05 That was the dumbest shit.
25:36 Speaker 01 Whoa, man. Yeah, that might be. That might be. That might be your dumbest.
25:39 Speaker 05 Good. The vampire.
25:45 Speaker 01 Oh, man. Uh, Wade, how would you handle this situation?
25:49 Speaker 05 Well, I'd go into one of the bathrooms. I'd put my clown costume. I'd walk up.
25:56 Speaker 02 Which clown? What's called, what's the kind of clown? What kind of clown? Which clown?
25:59 Speaker 05 Oh, you know, like red hair, yellow.
26:02 Speaker 02 Oh, okay. Okay. Hamburger. I believe that's called hamburger. Classical hamburger clown.
26:07 Speaker 05 I'd, uh, walk up to the person and I'd say, don't you know whose plane this is? And then they'd be, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Mr. Our clown. And I'd go walk on the plane. I'd get some hair with some blood that I'd been saving in my basement and I'd put hair on each of the seats. But because there's blood, it becomes a biohazard. They have to get a hazmat team to come look at the plane. And in the meantime, I would probably go get like the longest range weapon I could find and shoot at the sky nonstop with it, hoping to kill God, because this is his fault. Like, he did this to me. So, once he's gone and the plane is under hazmat and people can't take off, I feel like I vindicated myself and I call a cab to go somewhere else, I guess, for vacation.
26:52 Speaker 02 I'm still laughing and hoping to kill God.
26:57 Speaker 05 Well, clearly he's ruined my fucking vacation. Like, who else are you gonna blame? Don't shoot the messenger.
27:04 Speaker 02 Just Wade standing out on a runway, just like.
27:09 Speaker 02 Do that. Do the cartoon thing where it like zooms, scrolls up really fast. It's like. God is up, up in heaven, just like. Ah! God, I didn't think I could get up here.
27:19 Speaker 05 Does he say, oh, God, he say, oh, me?
27:20 Speaker 02 Oh, me.
27:22 Speaker 05 All right, so I'mma chuck it over to my ace reporters to replace me. Uh, eventually, fighting for the top spot, a co-host, co-anchor here. Uh, who wants to go first? Should I flip forward or do you guys kinda? I have a story.
27:35 Speaker 02 Go for it, shitman.
27:36 Speaker 05 Thankfully, I'm not the only professional here. There is somebody else who can deliver some of this news. No pun intended. Um, let's go over to Olivia.
27:49 Speaker 05 It seems like the weather is going to be mostly sunny, hardly cloudy, chance of rain. Back to you. Uh, thanks, Olivia. Olivia's in the studio today despite actively giving birth. That's right. News anchor Olivia Jackwith went ahead with a three-hour mooning morning newscast while giving birth in the studio. Lots of weird chocolate-covered pickles being consumed in the studio today. Uh, I want you to win the one-man show.
28:22 Speaker 02 Well, let's actually host an episode for that to happen, so.
28:26 Speaker 05 Wait, do you want coffee? Cause that's what's up. Don't get me started on coffee. I'm not a coffee drinker. People will say they wake up, they're like, oh, the smell of a fresh cup of coffee. People have their nasty yellowed coffee teeth. They have their nasty coffee breath. One cup of coffee when I wake up gives me some energy to start my day. A month later, two cups of coffee gives me the energy to start my day. A couple of months later, oh, man, I've not had coffee in like two hours. I'm starting to really wear down. I've only had two pots of fucking coffee today. Oh, I only need 18 forests of coffee to get through my week. You weak fucking little bitches. I don't have any coffee. I don't have any goddamn energy drinks. I'm a fucking person who just learns to deal with it. Jesus, fuck. Oh, I need my coffee. No, you don't.
29:11 Speaker 05 You've made yourself need your coffee. You got yourself on this goddamn addiction to coffee. What good does it do to make you spend more money to get more coffee that doesn't quite get you that same high the first cup ever did? It's like you're goddamn serial killer. You got your first kill. Oh, man, I gotta do another one. See if it gets me that same high. No, the coffee will never recapture that first moment of coffee glass you had. It will never be as good and you smell bad. It smells bad. It tastes bad. It takes up space. I could have other good things in the store. Oh, you know, you work in a place that serves coffee. You know what you do? Every 10 minutes you'll change a fucking coffee. You throw away the nasty wrapper of coffee grounds. You start another brew of coffee. People come in. I'll have my 50 cent cup of coffee. Actually, it's a dollar today, sir.
29:54 Speaker 05 The price went up. Yeah, that's what fucking happens in the world. Prices go up. And I'm sorry you're grumpy. You didn't have your cigarette in your coffee. Oh my God, it's not my problem. Get over it. Don't even get me started on coffee. Okay.
30:07 Speaker 02 And you smell bad.
30:09 Speaker 05 Smell bad.
30:11 Speaker 01 Damn, man. First one. It's a lot of pee, man. Sorry, it's a lot of pee. Man has no idea who is putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin.
30:24 Speaker 02 Gallons? It's a lot of pee. How does he know it's gallons? Is it in containers?
30:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, the first account from our reporter in the field, Wade here.
30:33 Speaker 05 So I was interviewing a neighbor by the name of Bill. Bill, do you want to tell us your story? Yeah, hi, man. Just wanted to let you know. Recycling here, uh, it ain't free. We can't all afford recycling, but the water supply, it's been a bit rough. It's hard to get water. So I was talking to some of the other folk and we decided, well, we make liquid, right? And they could probably recycle it, make something good out of it. So I went around with my bucket. I started collecting urine. We put it in some nice sealed containers and we put it in Mr. Dwee's bucket. And we're like, oh, they'll come collect the bigger bucket because they'll recycle it. I mean, it's liquid. Why can't you recycle liquid if you decide wood and cardboard and plastic and all that? So we're just trying to do some good for the community. Uh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Whatever your name was. Bill. Yeah, Mr. Bill.
31:19 Speaker 05 Back to you.
31:21 Speaker 01 Uh, thank you to Wade, reporter Wade, reporting from Portland. Where water is a problem. Yep, and people talk like that. Uh, Wade, feeling paranoid?
31:31 Speaker 05 No, man. Um, an atom's pretty simple. You have the nucleus, which is like the command center made up of, uh, protons and electrons and so on and so forth. And, uh, cameras, uh, microphones and such, so the nucleus always kind of knows what's going on. And the way you know what kind of atom you have is how many things are kind of floating around watching things. Basically it, you know?
31:52 Speaker 01 Oh, alright. Yeah, that basically is it. Any deeper levels apparently?
31:57 Speaker 04 It's in my skin! Get it off me! Get it off me! I'm gonna rip, I'll slice you!
32:07 Speaker 01 Alright, okay, alright, that's, that's, uh, yeah. Uh, Bob, I'm afraid that, um, unless you got something deeper in ya, it's gonna be hard.
32:15 Speaker 05 I need kneepads for these kind of shows, man.
32:19 Speaker 02 See, he's dying because he knows the truth.
32:21 Speaker 05 Oh, fuck. Oh, now there's liquid in my lungs and my ears. Thanks, man.
32:26 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Take out some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
32:57 Speaker 05 Here we go.
33:08 Speaker 01 Didn't hear these before.
33:13 Speaker 05 I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow. Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs?
33:23 Speaker 02 No, you know what that was? That was Tyler six minutes into a hard laugh.
33:30 Speaker 05 Here, I'll play it again because... Please.
33:44 Speaker 01 This is a real animal. This is a real animal. I want to qualify. These are all animals, okay?
33:49 Speaker 05 Uh, this is, this is the European jackrabbit pony. Uh, it sounds like a motorcycle. And whenever you ride it around, you have to tilt its ear a little bit to make sure you're getting the full speed.
34:00 Speaker 01 That is a pretty good guess, but unfortunately that is not correct. Bob, what was your guess?
34:06 Speaker 02 My, uh, my first guess was this is Tyler, six minutes into a really good laugh. I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey who forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound.
34:15 Speaker 05 Is it weird? My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs.
34:20 Speaker 02 Is that what the, the second half is? Mark starts falling down the stairs.
34:25 Speaker 01 I'll hold your impressions because there's going to be another point on the board. I want you guys to understand, neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel. Oh.
34:36 Speaker 05 There's a lot of stairs in Camel Land.
34:48 Speaker 01 Rally car over here. What the?
34:50 Speaker 05 That's what I hear, man.
34:52 Speaker 01 Idaho governor signs bill criminalizing public breast exposure and truck nuts. Ooh. When they came for our breasts, I said nothing. And when they came for our truck nuts. Cause I've only had a truck for a little bit now, but I'm assuming I will get that in the mail at some point. They'll send me my truck nuts.
35:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, definitely.
35:12 Speaker 05 I have an interview here with one of the local Idaho residents. Uh, what's your name, sir? Mr. Potato Head. Mr. Mr. Head, can you tell us what's been going on? It's been terrible. My little spuds have seen things they shouldn't be seeing anywhere and everywhere. Their boobs out, balls out, all kinds of things. It's been incredibly painful, especially for me and my wife. We've had to keep our eyes peeled to see the things going on around here. Did you just say peeled because it was a pun? No.
35:46 Speaker 05 You heard it here first. They've had to keep their eyes peeled to make sure that their little spuds aren't seeing the terrible things going on in Idaho. Back to you in the studio.
35:56 Speaker 01 Thank you. For those who are just listening, they didn't see Wade's waddle out.
36:02 Speaker 05 I'm a master of impressions.
36:04 Speaker 01 Pick a number one through five.
36:06 Speaker 02 Four.
36:13 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm. Oh, it's a Australian mini antelope.
36:18 Speaker 01 I'm gonna look that animal up. If that's not real, I'm gonna deduct a point from you. How dare you make up animals here?
36:23 Speaker 05 I hope it's a real animal.
36:25 Speaker 01 It came up as an animal.
36:27 Speaker 05 Thank you.
36:30 Speaker 01 What adorable mini antelope. Wait, wait, what the fuck? Were you right?
36:34 Speaker 02 There is no native species of antelope in Australia. However, there have been instances of non-native antelopes being introduced to certain regions.
36:42 Speaker 05 Yeah, just like the camels and other things. Was that the right noise?
36:45 Speaker 01 It's not the right answer, no. This one is is much less inspiring. This is simply a lemur.
36:54 Speaker 05 I literally guessed lemur like three guesses ago.
37:00 Speaker 05 Why are lemurs less inspiring? They're so cool.
37:04 Speaker 02 It looks a little bit like this is the lemur who became the Joker in the lemur universe. I don't know why his lipstick is so bold, but it's a lot.
37:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, for those who are listening only, this this lemur is just.
37:19 Speaker 04 Do you want to know how I got these scores?
37:22 Speaker 01 It's just truly, it's truly beautiful. All right, who can imitate that?
37:35 Speaker 01 All right, man, that was, ah.
37:40 Speaker 05 So close. Thank you.
37:43 Speaker 01 Houston, we have a problem. Houston, we have a big problem.
37:51 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a big space problem.
37:54 Speaker 05 Houston, we have a big race problem.
38:02 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a big grace problem.
38:05 Speaker 05 Houston, we have a big lace problem.
38:08 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a big mace problem.
38:10 Speaker 05 Houston, we have a big trace problem.
38:13 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a big trace elements problem.
38:16 Speaker 05 Houston, we have a pig trace elements problem.
38:21 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a rig trace elements problem.
38:25 Speaker 05 Houston, we have a fig trace elements.
38:31 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a fig Newton trace elements problem.
38:35 Speaker 05 Houston, we have a fig juice Newton trace elements problem. Wait, that can't be right. The singer, she does Angel of the Morning, which is the opener to Deadpool. I could have sworn, did he add two words that time?
38:48 Speaker 02 No, he just added a really weird word.
38:51 Speaker 05 Okay, all right, okay, okay, I'll let it slide.
38:53 Speaker 02 Houston, we have a fig juice box Newton trace element problem.
39:00 Speaker 05 Houston, bro, we have a big juice box Newton trace elements.
39:08 Speaker 02 Houston, bro, fucking, we have a big fig juice box Newton trace elements problem.
39:16 Speaker 05 Houston, little bro, fucking, we have a big juice box Newton trace elements problem. No, sorry, it's a big fig. Why didn't you catch it when Bob said big? No, you needed big and fig, you just said big. I thought we changed big to fig. Did we? Am I wrong? Bob, am I wrong?
39:38 Speaker 02 I thought it was fig Newton ju- fig juice box Newton. Yeah, I think it was just fig.
39:43 Speaker 05 I'll take the L, give it to me. I think you added one, because you said Houston. Little bro.
39:49 Speaker 02 Little bro.
39:50 Speaker 05 Fucking, we have a big juice box Newton L trace elements, whatever the fuck, I don't know. Give me the L, I'll take the L. God damn it, I'm sure I fucked up.
40:02 Speaker 01 Wait, you're trying to earn zero points on the whole episode. I know whenever I'm beat and this one is beating my ass. Anyway, police find naked man in Lowe's display shed with Vaseline and a phone. I feel like we all understand what's happening there. We sure do, we sure do. We got Wade who's on the scene with the man.
40:25 Speaker 01 In the shed, an exclusive scoop.
40:28 Speaker 05 Yes, so this was a really difficult interview to get. This was a very slippery interview. This guy kept getting out of my fingers despite how hard I tried to grasp him. Tell us exactly what was going on.
40:39 Speaker 05 Uh, hi mom.
40:51 Speaker 05 I see. And can you tell us more?
40:56 Speaker 05 It does appear drugs are involved, Mark.
40:58 Speaker 01 All right, drugs are involved. I see. So we're not so different after all.
41:04 Speaker 05 He slipped away again. The only way to find him, there is a greasy set of footprints, just so you know. Authorities have been all over it, but this has been a slippery suspect.
41:14 Speaker 01 I'm not gonna give you any points for the puns. If, if that was you actually acting for that laugh in the middle as him, that, that actually would have, that's incredible, incredible acting. And we'll give you all credit for that.
41:27 Speaker 05 Thank you.
41:32 Speaker 00 Watch new episodes on Spotify.
41:37 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
Previous Viewer Discretion Is Advised Next Best of Bob: Part 1 (Compilation) Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated