How to Stop Resenting Your Parents

This week, Alex discusses the complicated reality of resenting your parents while still wanting a close relationship with them. She dives into how childhood wounds can continue to shape us as adults, why we keep hoping our parents will change, and how disappointment can pull us right back into old dynamics. She also shares advice on lowering expectations, setting boundaries, practicing radical acceptance, and protecting your peace without excusing the ways your parents may have hurt you. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

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• 0:41Alex Cooper?

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• 1:08Speaker 01

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• 1:38Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app. Welcome back to another Sunday Session with Your Father, everyone. You know, I love Sundays because they're just you and me. No distractions, no drama, just the girls chatting about life,

• 2:21Alex Cooper?

  right? Which I guess can actually inevitably cause a little bit of drama, but we always aim to leave feeling a little bit better at the end of these episodes, right? We dive in, we address things head on. Sometimes they can be uncomfortable, and then we lift ourselves right back up, all on a Sunday. It's beautiful. Um, so, in the spirit of addressing things head on, something I always say we have to go back to on Call Her Daddy is our childhood. Because, like it or not, so much of who we are, how we love, how we react,

• 3:05Alex Cooper?

  how we fight, how we cope, it's deeply impacted by what happened to us when we were younger, right? I think we all know that. And the truth is, I think when you start actually reflecting on your past, it can be a total mixed bag, right? Sometimes it brings up really intense happiness and nostalgia, but a lot of the time, it more so brings up a lot of hurt and confusion, or just raw emotion that maybe you've kind of swept under the rug years ago and continue to kind of sweep under the rug. And it's almost like as we grow up

• 3:45Alex Cooper?

  and we step into adulthood, it feels like the fog starts to clear. We start looking at life with a completely different perspective, and something that heavily influences us in a way that's so similar to our childhood, yet totally different, because now you're an adult with an adult brain, is our parents. Our relationship with our parents, with them now verse back then, how we feel about them when we look at them adult to adult now, how they showed up for us, or how they completely failed to do that, what their presence or

• 4:27Alex Cooper?

  their absolute lack thereof has done to our nervous systems as adults today and also back in our childhood. And parents are a lot. This is a, this is a big boy, this is a big boy topic to take on, because I feel like as an adult, you suddenly realize your parents aren't invincible superheroes who have it all figured out, right? They are flawed, they're traumatized, they're messy human beings who made mistakes, will continue to make mistakes. But I will say, knowing that logically, it doesn't automatically erase the damage. Like, we can be like, no, no, no, I know, I know my, I know my parents are just some randos that decided to have kids, but I'm still messed up. And it's like,

• 5:12Alex Cooper?

  yeah, yeah, no, that's actually so fair. Today, I want to talk about what I truly believe is the ultimate emotional mind, which is resenting your parents while desperately wanting to love and be close to them. How do we do that? Growing up, we're fed the Disney version of family where your parents are these perfect heroes. Then you hit your twenties and your thirties, and you go to therapy, and you spend a lot of money, and you look back and you're like, wait a second, that was actually so messed up. Wait a second. Oh my God, that is not, that is not okay what happened to

• 5:57Alex Cooper?

  me. And suddenly, you're kind of like trapped in this exhausting tug of war, right? And so, on one hand, understandably, you're angry, and you resent the emotional neglect and the pressure and the projections or the boundaries that were constantly enforced on you as a kid. But on the other hand, it's like, you love them, and they're your parents, and you see them getting older, and you remember the good times, and you just want them to get it. You want them to understand where you're coming from. You want that warm, supportive relationship, but every single time it feels like you try, you then leave the conversation

• 6:38Alex Cooper?

  feeling drained and judged, or just totally unseen. Is this tracking for anyone else? Okay, perfect. Um, and so, yeah, the truth is, I think, let's just call a spade a spade, moving past childhood resentment is one of the hardest things that you will ever do. Because, like I said, when you're a kid, your parents are your entire world. So you don't have context for life yet. And so, when they fall short, whether that was, you know, screaming matches, emotional coldness, severe neglect, micro criticisms about your appearance, making you feel like a burden, any of it, you don't think when you're a child, oh, that's

• 7:23Alex Cooper?

  just my mom, that's just my mom, she's projecting her unhealed trauma on me. Classic. Like, no. When we're children, we innately are like, wait, what is, what's going on? Something's wrong with me. It can't be my parents, something must be wrong with me. And so, you grow up and you go to therapy, and you talk to your friends and their experiences, and you read books, concept, you experience relationships, and you finally connect the dots, and you start to realize like, oh, I was just a child, and they really failed me. And I think that

• 8:01Alex Cooper?

  realization brings up this like, understandable burning rage for a lot of us, right? You're angry, rightfully so. Because suddenly, you see all the ways that you were forced to, whether it was mature too early, or all of the emotional mess that you're still trying to untangle in your adult relationships today. You're like, oh, now I get why. And you're pissed off that you have to spend your twenties and your thirties paying some therapist that maybe isn't even that good, to try to help you fix things that you weren't even the one who broke. You didn't break any of this. You're like, send the bill to John and Carla,

• 8:43Alex Cooper?

  okay? AKA, my parents, because they did me dirty. All of this issue that you're trying to unpack, therapist lady, send it there. Send it down over to Idaho. And you're like, here you go, here's the bill, parents.

• 8:58Alex Cooper?

  But obviously, we can't do that. So what do we do? We are human and because we fundamentally, we crave our parents and we want their love. And so we try to fix it in real time. And we think, okay, okay, I'm an adult now. Oh, my God, we, guys, we're so gonna start fresh. Like those wounds, ooh, I don't feel them anymore. I'm an adult, they're an adult, it's perfect. We can have wine at dinner together. And so we hope that maybe, just maybe, you know, they've grown up too. And so we hope, okay, they're gonna step up now.

• 9:38Alex Cooper?

  They're gonna take accountability and they're gonna finally be the warm, supportive, safe parent that I always needed. Like now, now we can finally, we can put this to bed, right? And so you get, you get excited. You're like, okay. And I remember this, like, I'll talk to my friends about this. It's different for everyone. Like, sometimes this happens to you if you're in college and you're like, your parents are coming up on certain weekends. And you're like, ooh, now I'm an adult with autonomy. You're not really in college, but it feels like it. And there's like, you're starting to feel that, or it's right when you get out of college, right? And you're like, ooh, I've got my own apartment and I'm living and like, they're coming into the city to see me. And so like, you feel like there's, it's almost like equal ground now. Like, I'm not a baby anymore.

• 10:21Alex Cooper?

  Like, these are two adults having an adult conversation at this restaurant. And so you take a chance and you open up and you extend the olive branch. And you call them to share good news, or you bring up a painful memory trying to get closure. And you're expecting them to be different like you are and say, you know, I am so sorry. I see how much that hurt you. And then

• 10:54Alex Cooper?

  the letdown happens.

• 10:58Alex Cooper?

  And more often than not, I think it's the letdown rather than like, oh, my God. Listen, some parents may actually be quite evolved and changed and like, you're a lucky one. But for the most part, the letdown happens. And instead of accountability, you, you get gaslit. And maybe it's your mother or your father. And they say, I never said that. Becky, I never said that. Or they say, you're being way too sensitive. Or they hit you with the, we did the best we could. You're so ungrateful. Or I guess worst of all, they just go complete defensive stonewalling.

• 11:41Alex Cooper?

  Like, it never happened. Literally, they make you feel crazy. What are you actually talking about? And at that moment, that exact second is where you realize as an adult that they still fall short and they still can't give you what you need. And so it breaks your heart all over again. And it re-traumatizes the exact same wound from when you were seven years old. And we're back to square one. And you're left standing there thinking, how do I stop? How do I stop this? How do I stop holding on to this resentment when they keep proving to me that they haven't changed? But also, why can't they change?

• 12:24Alex Cooper?

  And so today,

• 12:29Alex Cooper?

  parent-child dynamics. Let's get into it.

• 12:49Alex Cooper?

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• 13:34Alex Cooper?

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• 14:17Alex Cooper?

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• 14:23Alex Cooper?

  So I think the first dynamic to address in relationship to child-parent dynamic is

• 14:30Alex Cooper?

  when I was thinking about it, there basically are generally two distinct paths people take when growing up with parents who ultimately fall short. Okay, so path A is you basically are someone who put your parents on a massive pedestal only to watch them fall off of it. Or path B is you were someone who never respected your parents in the first place and you saw right through them from day one, baby. Okay? On the surface, these two adults, it looks probably completely opposite, right? Because you're like, oh, at one point, you thought your parents were great. I never thought mine were great. But underneath the hood of that, these two paths, no matter which one you grow up with,

• 15:13Alex Cooper?

  they are suffering from the same exact fundamental wound, which is the deep aching void of not feeling unconditionally loved and supported or safe with the people who brought them into this world, right? So I wanna first kind of acknowledge and start with the people who held their parents on a pedestal at one point in their life. And I am not, and it may feel distant, right? You may be like, oh, let me just dust off those cobwebs, babe, because goddamn. I, I think at one point it was, that happened, Alex, but it's been, it's been decades, honey. I get it, I get it, it's been a long time. But let's go, let's go back for a second, okay? If you were this kid, your parents at one point could do no wrong.

• 15:57Alex Cooper?

  Maybe they were very charismatic, they were high achieving, or maybe they just provided you a great lifestyle, right? Or maybe they were just your absolute heroes and you hung on to their every word and you just idolized them. Regardless, something eventually happened, right? Everyone is gonna have a different situation, whether it's through a big betraying moment, like infidelity happened in the dynamic with your parents, or there was substance abuse, or a financial mess, or a slow realization that their love was conditional on basically you pleasing them. Something happened, there was a rupture.

• 16:42Alex Cooper?

  And when the pedestal falls, it feels disorienting and it impacts your identity and it creates self-doubt. Because you just went from thinking, these are the greatest people in the world that will protect you at all costs. And now you're like, wait a second. Hold on. What is going on? And then your whole reality is shifted, right? Because your foundation was built on trusting their perfection. And so when they fall, your whole reality, it, yes, collapses. And so you start asking yourself, okay, if they aren't who I thought they were, like, then who the fuck am I? And like, how did, and what, and I'm a part of them and they're opposed. So like, how does this work?

• 17:25Alex Cooper?

  And you're constantly second guessing yourself and your own intuition. And you question your judgment in adulthood, right? And you then essentially, you do go into a form of shock when this happens. And it may not be as extreme for some people, but to some degree, you're gonna go into shock when you realize your parents aren't who you thought they were. And the transition from worshiping your parents to betrayal is going to cause significant grief. You don't just lose a parent, but you basically lose the blueprint of your entire childhood. Everything you thought that was real has somewhat shifted. And then as you get older, you could possibly start hyper-fixating on trying to fix them, right?

• 18:08Alex Cooper?

  I'm not saying that's for everyone, but some people may try, right? Because in your head, there may be some people that are like, oh, my God, but like, I know how good it felt when things seemed right. I just wanna get back to that. And so you spend a massive amount of your adult energy now trying to bargain and push or rehabilitate them back onto that pedestal so you can feel safe again. Which also is so hard in therapy, because then you also start to realize as a child, we don't see things completely clearly because our brains aren't fully developed. So then you're like, oh, my God, even if you went back and you looked at the pedestal now through your adult vision, it usually isn't a pedestal. It's like a little dinky rock.

• 18:47Alex Cooper?

  And you're like, oh, my God, it looked so big back then and it looked so mighty and it looked so incredible. And it's like, no, it actually wasn't a pedestal. Like, it was a piece of shit on the ground than you were, you were reaching. But again, some people did have the pedestal, right? That's one dynamic. And then there may also be some people listening who would say,

• 19:12Alex Cooper?

  I never had the luxury of pedestal. I actually never even had the luxury of that little rock you're talking about, Alex. I never even had that. Never even got close to that. Even as a little kid, you basically from day one, maybe someone who just saw your parents flaws and their instability, their selfishness, or just their cruelty, right? Everyone has different degrees that they're coming at it from when they're listening to this today. And you never respected their authority because they never earned it. And so you might be someone who has chronic cynicism and hyper independence. You're like, never in my life will they ever show up for me. It's never gonna happen.

• 19:58Alex Cooper?

  And you learned very early that relying on them was dangerous or just pointless. And so then now, fast forward as an adult, your default mode is, I don't need anyone. I'll do this myself. Intimacy is terrifying because letting someone in feels like opening myself up to guess what? Just be failed again, because the first relationship that ever showed me love in my life was my parents and they completely let me down. So if my own parents can't be there for me, then why the hell would a romantic relationship ever work out or other relationships work out, right? Because you never felt a parent had your back. And so your nervous system spent,

• 20:37Alex Cooper?

  it's formed of years on high alert. And so some people who experience that, you may suffer from anxiety. You may have constant expectations that like, oh my God, the other shoe is always gonna drop. There's just no way that this can be sustained. And so naturally, this is a huge one. A lot of, I feel like adults in this boat, they feel, in moments, they can feel like bad people because they feel emotional numbness or coldness or apathy towards their parents, right? You want to care more. You're like, I wish I could care. I really do.

• 21:22Alex Cooper?

  But the lack of foundational respect in general just makes the connection feel like an exhausting acting job. So these two very different, but somewhat similar experiences, regardless which experience you relate to, pedestal or not, they do both kind of converge and collide. And here is where that happens. Whether you used to worship your parents or you've looked down on them your whole life, the core longing, I feel like between these two people is identical to some degree. Inside, both of these people, both of these adults, is a child standing in an empty room,

• 22:05Alex Cooper?

  holding out their hands, waiting for a parent to say, I see you, I love you for who you are. I've got you and you are safe.

• 22:16Alex Cooper?

  And so the pedestal adult is grieving the loss of a safety that they thought they had, right? And the never respected, the parents adult is grieving the loss of a safety that they never got to experience. They're getting to look at their friends and all these people around them being like, that was what your Thanksgivings were like? And that's what your childhood was like? Never experienced anything like it.

• 22:42Alex Cooper?

  But both people are carrying some capacity of the burden of just this like unrequited, natural, biological need that we all have. You want your parents to love you. No one is like, I don't want my parents to love me. And so acknowledging that, acknowledging that your anger and your cynicism or your heartbreak, they all come from the exact place of just, we literally all just want to be loved. That's it. It's really quite simple. All of that goes into this is very complicated, but it is really that simple. And I think it's a really, I don't know, I think it's a hard pill we have to swallow. Like I said earlier, that like, all of this feels so heavy. And then we just have to accept

• 23:27Alex Cooper?

  that our parents are just random people who had kids. They're just these random 25 year olds who decided, yeah, let's have some kids and we're gonna wing it. And then, oh yeah, naturally they just brought all of their unhealed childhood trauma into raising you. What a great situation.

• 23:48Alex Cooper?

  And I think something that I have been talking about a lot with my friends recently is realizing that, that your parents are just also a version of you and us and our friends and everything. Realizing that, it doesn't mean, guys, that like, we have to just excuse everything that our parents did. Right? Like, it is okay to look back and be like, the way that you spoke to me, it affected my self-esteem. Or like, you made me feel like I was only valued for my achievements. Like, yeah, I get it. They're still humans and they have flaws. But like,

• 24:29Alex Cooper?

  that doesn't take away from the fact of what they made you feel. I think the resentment kicks in because we're mourning the parents that we think we deserved to have. And we're doing this while we're trying to deal with these flawed human beings who are sitting there across from us at dinner. And we're like, oh, and this is what I actually got. I had this idea of this, and then this is what I got handed?

• 24:58Alex Cooper?

  And as adults, and I don't know if this is relatable for anyone, but it is very relatable in my friend group. And Matt and I talk about this a lot. It's like, the hardest part

• 25:10Alex Cooper?

  is wanting your parents to apologize or change and realizing

• 25:18Alex Cooper?

  they might never do it. So I want to talk about, how do you deal with this? How do we deal with that reality? Cause then you're like, wait, oh my God. And I think there, I feel like we're at the age and like, the demographic that watches and listens to this show that like, that may be for a lot of us right now, where we're starting to be like, alright, got out of college, was feeling like things were turning around. Or maybe you didn't think they were turning around. That's fine. And like, you're at, we're at this age, maybe it's like mid twenties, thirties, maybe you're in your forties, maybe you're early twenties. And we're like, alright, like, no, no, no, this is gonna change. And then you're realizing like, okay, now there's been like so many different Christmases and different holidays.

• 25:59Alex Cooper?

  We're like, nothing has changed. And we're all starting to, the eyes are just getting wider and wider and wider. And we're really seeing 2020 here, okay? Let's say you haven't seen your parents in a couple months, right? And naturally, that can leave you feeling guilty. You think, alright, it's gonna be different this time. I'm an adult. I can handle this. And you genuinely probably want to see them. And I think a lot of times, distance with family, it gets you excited. You're excited to see them. You want to show them love. You want to connect. You haven't had maybe a riff in a second. So you're like, oh my God, I'm excited. And so you walk through the door. And within 45 seconds, your mom makes a passive aggressive comment about your weight

• 26:43Alex Cooper?

  or your career, or your relationship status, or your dad brings up politics. And you immediately revert back to being a defensive, angry 15 year old. And the worst is if they also still live in the same house that you grew up in. Oh my God, you're like, I actually have to get out of here. I can smell my old bed sheets. I, the creak in the floor is the same in the bathroom where I left it 15 years ago. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. Like, I'm gonna lose my mind. And so you immediately want to leave early, right? You're like, nope, nope. Oh my God. And maybe you did stay. There may be some crying in the car on the way home, depending how long you lasted.

• 27:26Alex Cooper?

  You probably lasted the whole dinner, honestly. A lot of us do. It's really hard to set boundaries and be like, peace. And you're hating yourself. You're hating yourself for getting so upset over this. And you're hating them for making you feel this way. And you're also hating yourself for like, why am I letting it affect me this much? Like, oh my God, I thought I was walking in and I thought I could handle this dinner with my parents. And somehow, everything they said is triggering me. And it's just, oh my God, I really, I believed that it would be different. And it's not. I literally feel like I'm 15 again. I feel like it's just this emotional roller coaster. And it happens because we keep walking basically into the lion's den, expecting the lion to be like,

• 28:10Alex Cooper?

  now this like fluffy, gorgeous house cat that we can just be like, oh my God, I love you now. And it's like, no babe, she's still a lion or he's still a lion. Like, nothing has changed. But it's fair that you want, you want it to change. And again, of course, everyone's dynamic is gonna be different, but you get the idea of what I'm saying, right? Like, this phenomenon of where it's like, an adult child builds up a hopeful, idealized version of an upcoming interaction with their parents. So excited only for the old dynamic patterns to play out. And on my, on my research grind, this is known in psychology as the false hope cycle.

• 28:53Alex Cooper?

  Or people also somewhat refer to it as the wishful thinking dynamic. What does this mean? Okay. Can you guys tell me? I'm like so deep in therapy right now. Basically, as adults, when we walk into these scenarios, expecting a different outcome with our parents, but then we're met with the same old behaviors, whether again, it's rude comments or boundary violations, or emotional coldness, or even as extreme as abuse, the psychological and emotional impact is going to be so intense when this happens, you guys, because we are so intensely disappointed. When you mentally rehearse a positive interaction,

• 29:37Alex Cooper?

  your brain, it's like priming itself for safety and connection. And it's gonna be different this time. And so naturally, you lower your defenses. You're going in like, oh, this is gonna be good. So then when your parent inevitably drops this passive aggressive comment, or you know, triggers a sore spot, the sudden drop from the expected safety and enjoyable experience you were looking for, to instead just this like very familiar rejection.

• 30:13Alex Cooper?

  It is so triggering and it literally creates emotional shock. You're like, how am I here again? Oh my God. Cause you were actually trying to show up differently. And they gave you something that you were convincing yourself they weren't gonna give you this time.

• 30:28Alex Cooper?

  And so naturally, the disappointment is, it just is magnified. Cause the contrast between that mental expectation and the reality. And I don't think you guys don't need to be hard on yourself. I've done this so many times. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves for having these expectations. You may be an adult, but you're still a child within this dynamic. You are going to see your parents. They are still the parents in the dynamic. They still quote unquote, have the power, right? Or some semblance of a power. And so of course you're going to go in hoping and wanting. And unfortunately, we, a lot of the times are just met with these like old wounds and it feels like we are regressing.

• 31:14Alex Cooper?

  Like that, I feel like is maybe one of the most triggering things that's ever happened with me. And a lot of times when I talk with about Matt, or when we talk, like I talk with my friends, like that feeling of regressing, that also bites so hard because if you are someone, you're living on your own, or you're living in a different city, or you live in the same place as your parents, but you're on your own finally.

• 31:37Alex Cooper?

  Or maybe I'm little, someone's listening in their, in their 40s or their 50s or their 60s. It still happens where like you, you spent your formative years under this person's supervision. You are now an independent and you are now paying your own bills probably, and you're doing all these things. And so to go back into a dynamic where you have changed so much, you're not the little girl that's six, 16 anymore. Right? Like you're so different. So how is this dynamic still stagnant? How has nothing changed? I've changed. And then you start to get annoyed too, because you're like, I interact with my bosses this way. I interact with my peers in this way, like, and I'm such an adult.

• 32:16Alex Cooper?

  And then somehow they get me right where I feel like I have no autonomy, no say, no self-respect. I have no voice. And I'm like, how did this happen? And I think it's so important for us to remember and to recognize that old wounds carry so much emotional memory. When a parent uses the same tone or phrase or judgment that they used when you were younger, your nervous system is going to bypass your rational adult brain that you've been so, you've been working on that thing, babe. You are pouring into yourself, right? It doesn't matter so quickly. It can just trigger that state of regression.

• 33:01Alex Cooper?

  And I feel like this is why it can also get so bad around the holidays for a lot of people, right? Like because you have your hopes up for a good interaction and you are even more obviously invested because we all want holiday joy. Okay. We're all like, come on, Santa. Bring me around town. And like, we're looking at the movies and the aesthetic and the lights and the things and the car alerts. And you're like, oh my God, you just want to be like, ooh, drop me right into that family perfect movie. That like, that's what you're expecting, right? And so the expectations are even higher around the holidays. And so even though you are a fully functional adult, you suddenly feel like a defenseless eight-year-old,

• 33:46Alex Cooper?

  or maybe it's more of like an angry 15-year-old, wherever your worst days were, guys. Okay. Um, and then just inevitably it leaves a lot of us as adults feeling really disoriented and upset with ourselves. I think it, we get mad at ourselves for losing our cool, right? Or shutting down. Um, and that adds another layer of self frustration. You get upset and as mad as you are with your parents, it's almost like, yep, typical them, but shame on me for even thinking for a second and believing that things were going to be different.

• 34:25Alex Cooper?

  The pain isn't just about the specific comment, right? It's not the thing they said in the moment. It's about what that comment represents. Every time a parent falls short of the ideal scenario we have, us as adults are forced to confront the loss of the relationship that we wish that we had. It's like it triggers, it's almost like a grieving process, right? We're grieving that we don't have the supportive validating parent. They just don't exist in this, in, in your reality.

• 35:02Alex Cooper?

  And because you as an adult went into the situation with the explicit goal of having a smooth, loving interaction, a common reaction to a bad dinner or a bad lunch or a bad meeting with your parents, it can be, it can literally feel like failure.

• 35:22Alex Cooper?

  And obviously not everyone will do this. Some people may, but some people, you're going to blame yourself. But I will say, I think a lot of people end up leaving and slowly as they process things, they think, ah, maybe I should have, I don't know, maybe I should have phrased it like that. Or maybe I, maybe if I didn't bring up that topic, then maybe they wouldn't have snapped. Or if I was just like a little different, maybe it would have been a different situation. They would have treated me a little bit better. Like that, if that's you in those dynamics, that dynamic just keeps you as an adult, trapped in the loop of just trying harder next time. Right?

• 36:02Alex Cooper?

  You're hoping that altering just a little bit of your behavior is going to unlock a different response from your parent.

• 36:10Alex Cooper?

  Now you may be on the complete opposite side where you're like, hell, fucking no. I do not do that. Um, when they fail me time and time again, I, I'm over it. Like I like literally hate these people. I don't want to acknowledge them, but then I do still somehow come back to them when they ask me to go to dinner next time. And so I'm just in this angry cycle. I think it's obvious that humans psychologically are wired to just seek safety and validation from their parents. So this is like a very hard cycle to crack. Even in adulthood, the attachment system drives people to just hope that this visit, or this holiday, or this phone call will be the moment that the parent finally steps into the role of a safe, comforting figure. And it's like,

• 36:57Alex Cooper?

  a lot of times it doesn't happen. And I think recognizing this pattern, it's usually the first step to breaking the cycle, which I want to talk about today. It's basically like, we need to be shifting from wishing for how they should be to protecting your own peace based on who these people actually are. So let's talk about it.

• 37:37Alex Cooper?

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• 38:19Alex Cooper?

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• 39:03Alex Cooper?

  It seems like everything is connected to your gut microbiome. Don't you feel like that, guys? We're just hearing that constantly. Like, well, it always goes back to the gut health. And I'm like, oh, okay. So it's the gut health. But did you know the gut microbiome shifts during pregnancy? Yeah, these are the things I've recently learned, guys. And these shifts can impact mom and baby's health in pregnancy and postpartum. Yes, these are things I've recently learned. Okay. And that is why Ritual created Nadel Biotic, a specialized biotic with clinically studied strains for pregnancy and postpartum microbiome support to support digestive health, mood, vaginal health, and baby's immune health. Here's the thing, guys, as I've been pregnant, I have just become so aware of my health.

• 39:47Alex Cooper?

  Obviously I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes. And so my entire day is just consisting of how can I take care of this baby? And with Ritual, I feel so set up to do that. And I feel way less overwhelmed with trying to Google things that I'm like, what does this mean? Ritual kind of just does it all for you. So whether you're pregnant, postpartum, or you're looking for everyday trusted, daily gut support, get clinically studied biotics to support your gut health with Ritual. My listeners can save 25% on their first month at ritual.com/callherdaddy. That's ritual.com/callherdaddy for 25% off your first month. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

• 40:32Alex Cooper?

  This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

• 40:37Alex Cooper?

  We need the survival guide to resenting our parents. Now that we've sat here and we have really dug the knife in being like, this is trauma, this is frustrating. How do we actually now protect our peace while trying to maintain a relationship with our parents? From all the therapy that I've done, from all the friends I've talked to, from all the research, I think we gotta just change our strategy. Okay? Hold on, let the pregnant lady just get her legs out.

• 41:12Alex Cooper?

  My child is really kicking right now. All right, here we go. Oh my God, that's actually like so terrifying being pregnant, being like, okay, now you're not going to resent me. We're gonna, we're gonna do this better. Okay? No, every parent, there's going to be a problem with parent, child. It's always going to happen. I guess it is just to one degree. We're hoping for not, not, not too traumatic, you guys. Okay? We're trying to, we're trying to correct some things. How do we change this? Are you listening?

• 41:43Alex Cooper?

  Now I'm like, oh my God, I hope this child's not listening to any of this. Um, comes out the womb, like, what did you do to me? I'm like, oh my God, you listened to too many Call Her Daddy episodes. Shh, go to bed. I think step one is we need to stop auditioning our parents for a role that they are never going to get cast in. What do I mean by that? Stop trying to get validation from the person who is incapable of giving it to you. If your mom has never praised your career choice, she is not going to start today. So stop offering up your vulnerabilities to people who use them as ammunition, right?

• 42:27Alex Cooper?

  Keep the conversation light and safe and surface level, if that is what's going to protect your emotions and your heart. And is this excruciating and so hard? Yes, and yes, and yes. But again, our parents, we have to remember, are just random people too. They are just figuring it out. If you are trying and they keep letting you down, at some point, you, guys, we need to try to separate the hurt from the facts. Does it hurt that our parents can't show up in these moments for us? Yes. But have they ever really shown up? Sometimes, but not really consistently? Okay, so no. So stop waiting for it. And I know that's sad.

• 43:14Alex Cooper?

  And it sucks. And the next annoying bit of advice that I will share when it comes to parents, and maybe a lot of you have already done this, is just like, you gotta lower your expectations. And I think this is the hardest therapy concept that I've ever had to learn, which is hmm, radical acceptance. It basically means accepting reality as it is without trying to fight it. And I believe when it comes to the child parent dynamic, it is the hardest to ever achieve, truly, right? Trying to accept that your parents love you to the best of their capacity,

• 43:56Alex Cooper?

  even if their capacity is only 20% of what you actually need. That hurts so bad. And that is not what I want to hear. That is not what you want to hear. But once you stop expecting them to be 100%, because they keep showing you that they can't be 100%, they can't even be 90, 80, 70, 60, then you're going to stop getting disappointed when they just give you the 20%. You will eventually. I also think something that kind of plays into this, and it's probably the hardest thing to ever do. One of, let's put this at the top of one of the hardest things to ever do in interpersonal dynamics. Yeah, I bet this would go in the top like three,

• 44:42Alex Cooper?

  is setting boundaries with your parents. What are, what? How do you, what are, boundaries with parents? That's not even a thing, right? Oh, no, it is. All my adults listening, you learn, and sometimes it doesn't work. And you've been trying, you could be trying for a decade, you could be listening to this, be like, oh babe, give me any tips, because it still ain't working. The reality is, again, hard to swallow, you don't owe your family

• 45:13Alex Cooper?

  an entire weekend of your mental health. If you know that after two hours with your parents, the vibes go completely off the rails, then you only stay for two hours, or maybe it's an hour and 50. Give yourselves 10 minutes to get to the car quick, okay? Give a buffer. And so you can just say to them, hey, guys, I love you, and I wanted to grab lunch, but I have to head out at 2:00 PM. And so you can kind of like, you're starting to lightly put that boundary in for yourself, because you know where your triggers start. And if they start criticizing you on the phone for putting that in place of like, oh, we only get two hours, you can say, I love you, but I'm not going to stay on the line if you're going to speak to

• 45:54Alex Cooper?

  me like that. Like, let's talk tomorrow. And then you hang up. Guys, I understand that probably sounds insane. Setting boundaries with parents who consistently let you down,

• 46:09Alex Cooper?

  it is one of the most taxing emotional projects that you will ever probably tackle as an adult. Because there's a, there's like rarely any reciprocity, right? People talk about like how hard a lot of things are in adulthood, but like this thing, you're just like, I am literally getting nothing back from this, and I'm just still getting punched in the face. But I do think something that we can control is, I think part of the difficulty when it comes to this topic of setting boundaries with parents, usually stems from a fundamental just misunderstanding of what boundaries are, right? I think most people treat a boundary more as like a rule

• 46:49Alex Cooper?

  for someone else to follow. You are completely misunderstanding boundaries if you think it means like, a boundary is, you need to stop flaking on me, or you need to stop making passive aggressive comments towards me, and then expecting your parent to say, oh, you're right, I'm so sorry. Or even if they don't even say I'm sorry, but you saying these statements, like, and I mean, also, don't get me wrong, it would be so lovely if you were able to say those things to your parents, and your parents actually apologize and address the issue, because then we probably wouldn't need the boundaries, right? But if you are someone who is dealing with difficult dynamics when it comes to your parents, you probably have tried that already. And like I

• 47:31Alex Cooper?

  said earlier, uh, it probably hasn't worked. And they either stonewalled you, or gaslit you, or told you you're being too insensitive. And so I think where boundaries come into play with parents and are so clutch is with parents who pretty consistently fail you or trigger you, a boundary is not about controlling their behavior. It is a decision about what you will do when they act just like themselves. That's it. It's not, it's your boundary. This is my boundary right here. It's not theirs. It kind of honestly has nothing to do with them.

• 48:11Alex Cooper?

  It does, but like, you're the one that is in full control, actually. So if you think you're setting a boundary and you feel really out of control, then that's, you're probably not setting the boundary correctly, or you're not looking at the boundary right. If your parent repeatedly lets you down, making requests to that parent to please stop, don't do X, Y, or Z, it's gonna stop working. Like, you're not eventually going to get anywhere. And so you have to move to like, action-based boundaries. So if this happens, then I will do this, right? So it's like, they can do whatever they want to do, but if they keep acting inappropriately,

• 48:53Alex Cooper?

  then you're gonna do this. Here's an example. Maybe in the past, you would request, Mom, please stop canceling on my kids at the last minute. It absolutely breaks their heart.

• 49:06Alex Cooper?

  So that relies on her just to completely change, which leaves her completely still in control, leaves you vulnerable, when she's probably inevitably gonna flake again. And you have zero power. So how do you change that and then take an action with a boundary? That would look like, hey, Mom, I am no longer telling the kids that you're coming over until you physically walk through the door, because this protects my kids from emotional safety regarding whether you show up or not. I don't want them to be let down. So then the grandmother now, or your mother now, needs to make the decision, oh, so your life isn't going to be

• 49:49Alex Cooper?

  impacted at all. If she shows up or not, your kids had no clue. And you're just, you're going about your day, and you're going to be in your schedule. And if she chooses to come, then you will accommodate it. But you're not going to sit around and wait for this person. Another one that maybe you used to do, let's say with your dad, is maybe you said to your dad, Dad, you have to stop calling me just to complain about your life, or to complain about Mom for two straight hours. Like, I cannot do this anymore. And then it just keeps happening.

• 50:20Alex Cooper?

  And you're like, I don't know how to get on the phone, what's happening? So taking an action with a boundary, you can now say to your father, hey, Dad, I have 15 minutes to talk today before I have to go. If you guys are texting, like, oh, are you free? Yeah, I have 15 minutes before I have to go. And if the conversation turns into a negative rant, you can tell him, hey, also, if this goes off the rails and you start talking negatively about Mom again, I'm going to say goodbye and I'm going to hang up. I don't want the conversation to go that way. I have 15 minutes. I would love to have a nice conversation with you. But then it's on you. So if he acts exactly how he always acts, and he's at that 10-minute mark, and he's getting that itch, and then he starts bitching about your mother, and it's getting inappropriate,

• 51:04Alex Cooper?

  you say, hey, Dad, like I told you, I do not want to have this conversation, so I'm going to hang up now. Um, have a great rest of your day. And then you actually hang up, and you're in full control. And he's left there being like, oh, well, and then all they're left to do is, oh, I guess they did tell me they were going to do that if I did this, right? It's all on you. Now, you can do all of this, but sadly, it's not guaranteed they're going to respect the boundaries. Like I just said, your dad can go and do that thing. And that's when it gets really hard, right? I think parents aren't used to be parented essentially by their child. They're not used to you setting the rules for them.

• 51:50Alex Cooper?

  And I will say, when a parent pushes back against a boundary,

• 51:56Alex Cooper?

  I think the most common trap from what I've learned from therapy is

• 52:02Alex Cooper?

  you end up trying to explain why you set the boundary.

• 52:07Alex Cooper?

  And to an overstepping parent, your explanation, no matter what it is, because you shouldn't give an explanation to a boundary, but your explanation, it just sounds like arguments that they can debate and dismantle. Like, don't do it. And so I know it's so tempting, but I'm telling you, do not explain yourself when you set a boundary. Don't defend why, being like, I need to leave early because I have a big day tomorrow. Um, so no, no, no, you have to leave early. You're leaving early. And like, don't over explain the like, oh, the reason I don't want to discuss, you know, my weight is because it really triggers me. No, no, I don't want to discuss my weight. That's a boundary for me.

• 52:50Alex Cooper?

  Don't excuse it by being like, I would never, you know, I would bring my kids over, you know, but the traffic is really bad. Like making up niceties to kind of cushion your boundary. A lot of them times it can be lies, right? You're kind of like a little white lie of like, oh, the traffic. No, no, no. I can't bring my kids over today. You have to state the boundary once very clearly, and then you move straight to the consequences. Because again, anyone listening to this, like, we're dealing with people who cannot seem to have any respect for your time and your boundaries. So like, you gotta get, it's hammer time, baby. Or it's never going to actually become a boundary.

• 53:33Alex Cooper?

  And so maybe before this episode, maybe you used to say, you know, mom, please don't comment on my relationship. It hurts my feelings and it makes me uncomfortable. And, you know, we talked about this and I don't like when you do it. Well, now, because she keeps doing it, now the boundary you will say is, I won't be discussing my relationship today. And if it comes up again, I'm going to head home.

• 53:58Alex Cooper?

  Again, she can do whatever she wants, but you now will be removing yourself if she decides to act inappropriately.

• 54:08Alex Cooper?

  I obviously could do an entire episode on setting boundaries because it is, it is very, very complicated. I'm still in therapy, learning about it. Um, it's really, really complicated. Boundaries and families are probably the hardest. Boundaries in relationships, boundaries in friendships, boundaries in work. Like, it is so exhausting because it is not an overnight solve. And a lot of people who cross your boundaries, you then start to feel bad by setting a boundary. And if you somehow are feeling bad about setting a boundary, you have to remember, all these things are what are happening to you. So you have the right to enforce a boundary. Because the bottom line is enforcing a boundary, it's a two-step process.

• 54:51Alex Cooper?

  You state the line, and then you execute the consequences and you try to do it without drama. And a lot of times the people on the other side are going to try to cause drama and you just keep it, nope, this is it. And it can become infuriating for the other party, honestly. Um, and it can create a lot of fights in the very beginning and you have to stay strong. I think, holding a boundary, it's one thing to set a boundary. I think therapists always say this. One thing to set a boundary, to hold a boundary, you gotta be a really strong person.

• 55:36Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, I am well into my third trimester now, so I haven't really been able to travel because I need to stay close to my doctor. But spending all this time at home has made me start thinking about all the places that I want to go once the baby is here. I have literally been sitting on my couch with the TV on, scrolling through Airbnb and planning trips. I am nowhere ready to take yet, but suddenly my vacation priorities, I will say are completely different. Like, does the house have enough bedrooms? Is there a big kitchen? Does the furniture look baby safe? Or is every table covered in, you know, sharp corners? And obviously, we need an extra room for my mom,

• 56:19Alex Cooper?

  who has already made it very clear that she will not be leaving my side. She's like, I got you. I'm the babysitter, okay? And now that it is October, I'm picturing cooler weather, cozy sweaters, oh my God, maybe a little cottage where we can escape for a little weekend. That's what I love about booking a home on Airbnb. Whether you're traveling with family, friends, or your partner, everyone has space to relax while still being together. Even if you're traveling for a concert or a game, you have one place where everyone can get together and convene after. Before the holiday season gets busy, treat yourself to one more fall getaway and check out Airbnb while you're planning it. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Haagen-Dazs.

• 57:02Alex Cooper?

  Okay, it is so important to take some me time. You know what I mean, guys? So take your sweet time and enjoy rich, smooth, creamy ice cream from Haagen-Dazs. Because honestly, when was the last time you actually slowed down and let yourself have a moment for you? You have to try their new cherry dark chocolate bar. Guys, picture rich cherry ice cream with tart cherry ribbons coated in thick dark chocolate. Are you kidding me? I'm drooling. Are you drooling yet? No, seriously. This is the kind of thing you don't just eat, you experience it. Okay? Haagen-Dazs elevated crafted ice cream is always meant to be savored. So whatever flavor you choose, slow down and enjoy each bite. Seriously, it's too good to rush.

• 57:43Alex Cooper?

  I grew up with Haagen-Dazs in my house. Every single night, my family and I would eat our favorite flavors. I'm obsessed with the cherry dark chocolate bar. Those flavors together, I couldn't be happier. I'm going to watch my favorite TV shows and I'm going to be eating that. Boom, done. Take your sweet time. That's Dazs. Available at retailers nationwide.

• 58:04Alex Cooper?

  Stopping the cycle of resentment and letting go of hatred towards your parents is not about, it's not about convincing yourself that what they did was okay. It's about freeing your own brain and your body from just carrying the toxic weight of just this ongoing war that like you literally cannot win. Resenting someone means you constantly are measuring who they actually are against who you want them to be. And who you think, you know, you deserve them to be. And the gap between those two things is just literally where disappointment is going to live and anger and hatred, right?

• 58:47Alex Cooper?

  And I think the truth is hatred and just the intense resentment, it feels like a self-defense with our parents, right? It feels like that, but functionally, that just keeps you bound actually to your parents and this dynamic. The more angry you get, the more hatred you have. When you hate them for falling short, your emotional state is just going to keep being dictated by their behavior, giving them all the power.

• 59:14Alex Cooper?

  And I think you're going to experience so much relief when all of a sudden, one day, you can try to get to the point where you're like, oh, their flaws actually no longer have power over me and it's not going to ruin my night, or my afternoon, or my lunch, whatever it is with them. A major hurdle to accepting parents is the fear that if,

• 59:39Alex Cooper?

  it's almost like we are, we're so scared that if we understand why they are the way they are, and we contextualize it, we're almost letting them off the hook. And that's just not the truth. Like, understanding your parents' limitations, or anyone's for that matter, it's insight. It's not absolution.

• 1:00:04Alex Cooper?

  I think to stop resenting your parents, yes, you have to look at their story with an unbiased, or as much of an unbiased lens as you can, right? Like, what kind of an emotional environment were your parents raised in? What unhealed trauma do they have? Did they grow up in poverty? Did they have addiction in their family? Did they had addiction? What are all the dynamics that influenced their childhood? And do they possess the self-awareness or the cognitive tools that are required to literally break generational cycles? And the honest truth is for a lot of people, the answer is sadly, probably going to be no. And when you realize that your parents are likely...

• 1:00:48Alex Cooper?

  Operating at the absolute limit of their emotional capacity. Eventually their behavior stops feeling like a personal attack on you.

• 1:00:59Alex Cooper?

  And it starts looking like a reflection of just their own internal issues. And then you're like, oh, that's just kinda sad. Like they couldn't give you emotional wealth because sorry if this is cheesy, but it was like, they were emotionally bankrupt. How are they gonna fill you up? Right? If they've got nothing, you did nothing wrong.

• 1:01:22Alex Cooper?

  So again, I think that like difference between like, oh, if I give, it's almost like you feel like you're giving too much empathy. If you're like, well, it's because of their childhood. No, no, understanding it is fine and you're not letting them off the hook. You're also just accepting them for who they are. So you don't have to keep getting let down. And so I think it's okay to like mourn the fantasy. Because resentment is only going to be sustained if you do have these unrealistic expectations, right? Every time you interact with your parents, hoping today will be the day that they act like the wise and the passionate and the validating parent. You're just gonna reopen the wound. And so to accept them is to allow yourself to

• 1:02:05Alex Cooper?

  feel the sadness and the grief and the anger that you yeah, you didn't get the love or the safety or the support that you definitely deserved as a child. That's a fact. So hold the funeral, hold the mentally lay to rest the ideal fantasy version of your parents. That is what we're doing today. We're laying it to rest. Okay. I'm a lot of them. I'm not saying your parents are dead. They're still here. You're just gonna hold the funeral. Because the fantasy version, it needs to go. You could also probably do this with friends even. I promise you, there's probably so many of your friends that are like, aye aye, I will absolutely partake in this one.

• 1:02:46Alex Cooper?

  Cause I promise you, almost everyone goes through this to some degree. And then once that funeral and your mourning has happened, you're like, all right. Then you can actually move forward and interact only with the real human being in front of you. Flaws, limitations and all, not the person who you wish they were. And I am not saying that it's not gonna piss you off. They are gonna be so, it's, it's gonna be so annoying. You're like, you're, you're still annoyed by them. But they don't have the power over you because you're not expecting them to show up in the way that is still internally as a little kid you were hoping. You're like, oh, they, they're not capable. Okay, let it go.

• 1:03:26Alex Cooper?

  At the end of the day, I think truly you have to recognize that holding resentment is literally like drinking poison into your body. It is entirely possible to say, I love my parents. I am grateful for the sacrifices they made and I am deeply hurt by how they treated me.

• 1:03:47Alex Cooper?

  Both truths can exist at the same exact time.

• 1:03:51Alex Cooper?

  You don't have to forgive and forget to move on. That's literally not, you don't have to do that. It's not a thing. Like you just have to decide how much power you're gonna let their opinions have over your life. Now, today, you're an adult now. You get to curate your life. You get to put the boundaries in place. They're, they can't, they can't tell you to go to your room anymore. They can't tell you can't have the sleepover anymore. Like you're now in control of your inner peace.

• 1:04:21Alex Cooper?

  Which is actually such a nice, I hope, way to end it. Remember the beginning where I was like, sometimes we get into the trenches and then we literally just like one, two, one, two, one, two, hit it, hit it, hit it. And then boom. We leave on a high. So much I feel like of what I've been talking about in these Sunday sessions is like

• 1:04:41Alex Cooper?

  being the driver of your own life and not handing the keys over to someone and actually taking control of your life. It's scary because it means if something maybe doesn't work out or whatever, then you're gonna feel it more. It is gonna be on you. And so now that you're gonna be more cognizant of like, oh, I do have the ability to basically remove the resentment from my parents. It actually is on me. Cause they've just stayed stagnant for decades and it's on me to somehow fix it. Once you realize that and then you keep not fixing it, it kinda becomes really hard to just be like, oh, it's a waste of energy to even be mad at them anymore. That's the obvious. That's the easy thing. Yeah, they're, they're idiots. They're over there. They're giving you nothing.

• 1:05:21Alex Cooper?

  So why are you still, you're, it's, it's like the definition of insanity is doing the thing over and over and over again, and thinking you're gonna get a different result, right? So I think there is power. It takes a lot of self-esteem work. It takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of honesty within ourselves to be like, are you ready to start living your life to the capacity where you are going to fully take the keys and be in charge and be an adult and own your shit and own when you mess up and own when things maybe are hard or painful, but the more you're in control of your life, the more that you're going to have a life of freedom. And so being constricted to like, oh my God, and my parents emotions and this and getting anxious for holidays.

• 1:06:07Alex Cooper?

  I'm not saying the hurt won't be there, but it will impact you way less. Everything in life. Everything with friendships and dynamics and, and friends and, and romantic relationships, like the more accountability you actually can take in life. I believe the more enjoyable life is. Being a victim of your circumstances, you're just like,

• 1:06:30Alex Cooper?

  why did this keep happening to me? Oh my God, why? They did this to me. No one can do anything to you. Yes, they did something to you, but how did you handle it? And then how did you come back from that? And again, I am speaking literally from experience. This is something clearly that I'm very passionate about because I think there's just a lot in life where it's like, you get dealt certain hands and how are you gonna handle it? Parents are one that we couldn't pick them, guys. We couldn't pick them and how they impacted us, we also couldn't pick that. But now you can, you, guys, I'm telling you, once you set that clear boundary with a parent and it start, you, you are gonna actually wanna shit your pants. Some of us, some may be better than others.

• 1:07:14Alex Cooper?

  And then the day that like, you're like, you're crying to your partner, you're like, I can't, I can't. You just do it. And then there's a fight, but you hold your ground, you're hold your ground. And a couple of other times you keep doing it, doing it, do it. And then when the boundary is just like in place and it's there and it almost just becomes like it's a part of your everyday life and it's, oh my God, you're gonna feel peace and bliss. And guess what? You get to be proud of yourself. You did that. You stood up to the people who raised you, who you have all of these really, really complicated power dynamics with, and you were able to do that. If you can do that, you can literally do anything. I, I swear to God, you can do anything. It's so intimidating to have these, these dynamics with parents. And if you can fucking hold your ground on a boundary with a parent.

• 1:08:01Alex Cooper?

  Girl, you're going far in life. You're gonna run some Fortune 500 company and you're gonna be sailing off into the distance. Okay. Your parents are gonna be begging you to call them. They're like, can we, can we get in on that? Can we? Like, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. But the first step is just trying and recognizing it. Um, okay, daddy gang, that was a lot. And I hope that was helpful to some capacity. Um, always DM me or write in questions to the website and let me know what you guys want me to talk about. And I will do my best to research and to bring my personal experiences to the table and talk things through with you guys. All right. You know the motherfucking drill. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.

• 1:09:01Alex Cooper?

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• 1:09:41Alex Cooper?

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• 1:10:26Alex Cooper?

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• 1:11:08Alex Cooper?

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