Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Foley's Retirement Home! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley About this episode Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 12,927 words · 6 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 In 2011, two local dirtbags met outside of a comedy open mic at the Raven Lounge in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The fatter one needed to borrow money off the bald one. Now, 14 years later, they're playing the biggest "Are You Garbage?" show at the Met in Philadelphia. Their bond over TGI Fridays, cheap beer, scratch-off lottery tickets, and drinking milk with dinner has led to the creation of the "Are You Garbage?" podcast. Get your tickets for a true celebration of Philadelphia garbage.
0:34 Speaker 01 Welcome to another exciting edition of "Are You Garbage?", the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:54 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is "Are You Garbage?", that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're going to be classy, or just a big old piece of trash.
1:06 Speaker 03 Garbage.
1:07 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a glorious day. We're out back here at Toody's in a new addition. She, um, I really can't get into it right now.
1:15 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:17 H. Foley? I told her I wouldn't.
1:18 Speaker 03 Is that guy working really?
1:19 H. Foley? I'm telling you, I just, I want to say, but I can't.
1:22 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:23 H. Foley? I mean, just respect her privacy at this difficult time for her.
1:27 Speaker 03 All right, I will.
1:28 H. Foley? When she's ready to make an announcement to everybody about what's going on, you'll be the first to know.
1:33 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:33 H. Foley? But for right now, I gotta respect what she said to me about what she's doing.
1:38 Speaker 03 Sounds like you're about to tell me. I just gotta respect it.
1:42 H. Foley? Do you want me to tell you?
1:42 Speaker 03 No, I don't want to know. That's her business. And also, you know, don't let the bozos out there know. It's a family business. We've got to circle the fucking wagons a little bit. If it's that serious...
1:51 H. Foley? It's kind of messed up.
1:52 Speaker 03 Okay, well, then I don't want to hear it.
1:54 H. Foley? You sure?
1:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, I don't.
1:56 H. Foley? You're kind of involved. We're all kind of involved. Just by, you know.
2:01 Speaker 03 Association.
2:02 H. Foley? Yes.
2:03 Speaker 03 My name somewhere.
2:05 H. Foley? Yeah.
2:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, not happy about that. So I'd rather if it's gonna bring up legal consequences, I'd rather wait till after.
2:11 H. Foley? She might have mentioned your name specifically.
2:13 Speaker 03 Sure.
2:14 H. Foley? But I told her I wouldn't say anything.
2:16 Speaker 03 Okay.
2:17 H. Foley? My Coz is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode, just the boys, the bozos and the homies, just the way we like it. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
2:27 Speaker 03 Woo, hey gang, shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify, baby. Boys are climbing through the charts. Then obviously.
2:38 H. Foley? Hanging in there in them charts.
2:39 Speaker 03 Hanging in, baby.
2:40 H. Foley? We really are.
2:40 Speaker 03 We've never shown off.
2:42 H. Foley? Shout out to the bozos and the homies.
2:42 Speaker 03 We're the journey men of this type of thing. You know what I mean? We're not the superstars. We're not the, we're not the bozos. We're in the middle.
2:49 H. Foley? We're the underdogs.
2:50 Speaker 03 Fucking ham and eggers, lunch pail guys, you know what I mean?
2:53 H. Foley? Ham and eggers.
2:54 Speaker 03 Coming in, doing a job, putting the boots on, going to work, going home.
2:58 H. Foley? Ham gets a bad rap at breakfast. I don't know why.
3:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm not a huge fan, but I get it from time to time. Uh, then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/ari garbage. You go over there, you join over the 15,000 members of that army of garbage, baby. I'm talking boots on, that's 30,000 boots on the ground. Actually, there's probably some one leggers out there.
3:16 H. Foley? You think?
3:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, for sure. Just statistically wise.
3:19 H. Foley? You think so?
3:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, some probably like, uh, some that got stuck in a railroad or something like that. We don't have, I mean, you know, it wasn't a squash accident.
3:27 H. Foley? Let's say 29,000 legs.
3:28 Speaker 03 You think there's a thousand people missing legs? No, no, no, no, no, that's, that's bad numbers, dude. I mean, may, I mean, maybe feet, diabetes, diabetes will get you.
3:38 H. Foley? Yeah, where was I the other day? Listen, the, it was a healthcare professional. It wasn't my endocrinologist, but it was another doctor referred to it as diabetes.
3:47 Speaker 03 Doctor Feelgood.
3:48 H. Foley? Diabetes? What the fuck?
3:50 Speaker 03 Uh, and then the boys are on the road. We got the biggest show we've ever done.
3:55 H. Foley? Coming up.
3:56 Speaker 03 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at the Met. If you're in a tri-state area, get tickets for that. The boys are having a good fucking time.
4:01 H. Foley? Be there in a couple of days.
4:02 Speaker 03 Couple of days. Uh, and then all the other cities we just announced for 2026 are on the, on the website right now, available. We're doing some club weekends. Those dates are going quick.
4:11 H. Foley? How about that? Look at us.
4:12 Speaker 03 Get your tickets.
4:13 H. Foley? Finally, club weekend.
4:14 Speaker 03 That was never really the thing we were striving for. Finally.
4:19 H. Foley? I'd do the weekend.
4:20 Speaker 03 I, I know, I know.
4:21 H. Foley? Couple of birthdays. I might host a couple of these. Get back into it.
4:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:26 H. Foley? That's how I used to host at the Laugh House. I gave out a fair amount of blowjob shots in my day.
4:30 Speaker 03 Uh, you could have stopped. You didn't need shots in there.
4:36 Speaker 03 I know, that's how you used to get your stage time, huh?
4:42 H. Foley? Phew, that would have been a...
4:45 Speaker 03 Okay, easy does it. Easy does it there. This is a public, family episode.
4:51 H. Foley? Speaking of blowjobs, let's cruise by the old corner office. Say hi to, uh, the, uh, the boss's son over there, Mr. Luke Dempsey.
4:59 Speaker 04 Calling to the stage, Mr. H. Foley.
5:03 Speaker 03 It's like two, speaking of hams, two pressed hams. 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. How you doing?
5:09 H. Foley? Little junk in the trunk.
5:10 Speaker 03 Drive it, man. Aw, man.
5:12 H. Foley? As I said, a lot of talk about this, uh, big merger with the Dempsey Group.
5:16 Speaker 03 No one saw you.
5:18 H. Foley? I've been hearing them things. The trades, a happy hour afterwards downtown by Wall Street. A lot of people are, the street's talking.
5:27 Speaker 04 That would be our propaganda arm of the Dempsey Group.
5:29 Speaker 03 You guys are, you guys are, dang, they got the press.
5:32 Speaker 04 It's a direct attack.
5:33 Speaker 03 A direct attack. Until it comes across my desk, you know, we're not for sale.
5:37 H. Foley? Maybe you don't know, maybe you're out.
5:38 Speaker 03 We'd only sell to Blackwater. Is that the?
5:41 H. Foley? No.
5:41 Speaker 03 Why?
5:42 H. Foley? That's the mercenary group.
5:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, they got cash. Fuck. Fuck, you think they're donating, no band leaders, okay?
5:48 H. Foley? They got choppers.
5:48 Speaker 03 They're gonna use this, go over there, take out the Taliban. Are they still a problem?
5:52 H. Foley? I got some stuff.
5:53 Speaker 03 Yeah. I don't know, I don't know nothing from, this is not the show, I don't know. We're real, we're real dark ops and fucking. This ain't the show, gang. Uh, I got something I wanted to get into, um.
6:06 H. Foley? Talk to me. My door's always open.
6:08 Speaker 03 We've been, you know, we come from dirtbags, we've been dirtbags our whole life. Never claimed to be nothing, nothing short of, uh, little dirty kids.
6:16 H. Foley? Too many lions.
6:17 Speaker 03 Uh.
6:18 H. Foley? I had to go down to Patty's and bring the Christmas stuff out of the garage.
6:22 H. Foley? Man, they're in a dirtbag. Talking about a scumbag weekend. Getting yelled at.
6:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, I mean, you're 50.
6:28 H. Foley? Bunch of Reese over by fucking the chlorine buckets for the pool.
6:32 Speaker 03 All bleached.
6:33 H. Foley? Shit, stinks.
6:34 Speaker 03 You got albino Reese now?
6:35 H. Foley? Man.
6:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:37 H. Foley? Crazy. You ever have to do stuff like that? You're the worst son. I'm, I'm the worst son, I'm down there doing it.
6:43 Speaker 03 Complaining and then coming, coming in front of fucking 200,000 people or whatever, telling.
6:47 H. Foley? Why, I gotta tell them about my day?
6:50 H. Foley? I do it, what do you mean, we're boys, me and Patty.
6:51 Speaker 03 Sure.
6:52 H. Foley? Little shepherd's pie goes a long way.
6:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, easy way to your heart.
6:56 H. Foley? Yeah, she packed one up, it looks like, it looks like a, like a, she made a fucking, uh, uh, what's it called? Pressure cooker bomb.
7:03 Speaker 03 That's why we're selling to Blackwater, we gotta get fucking boots on the ground. Keep your enemies close, you know what I mean?
7:08 H. Foley? It's an hour and a half drive, she packed it in one of those, uh, styrofoam coolers. Which I don't know where the fuck she got that.
7:13 Speaker 03 That's what they do with organs.
7:15 H. Foley? Yeah.
7:15 Speaker 03 No.
7:16 H. Foley? I heard a bunch of ice going in, I'm like, I'm going an hour and a half. And I'm probably gonna have a bite in the car.
7:21 Speaker 03 Stop at Farley's and knock this bad boy down. Stop and get a fountain kook.
7:25 H. Foley? A fountain kook?
7:26 Speaker 03 Oh, man.
7:27 H. Foley? Ah, like a fountain drink?
7:29 Speaker 03 My cousin Jenny, shout out to her, uh, the one that's married to Myers.
7:33 H. Foley? Yes.
7:34 Speaker 03 Uh, lovely gal.
7:35 H. Foley? Lovely.
7:36 Speaker 03 I, she, we were old, she was older, you know, and we were hungover. She goes, oh, we're like laying on the couch down the shore after like a long night of tully nuts and whatever, she's like, "I just need a fountain kook." And I remember.
7:49 Speaker 03 That was my first real memory of like, oh, right. Fountain kooks hit different when you're hungover. And I knew that, like, I knew it, but I just had never like, verbal, I think the, the bottle or cans don't hit, it's a little too thick.
8:03 H. Foley? It's funny, um.
8:05 Speaker 03 Fountain kook.
8:06 H. Foley? I always thought, have you ever gone to a fast food place and just got a drink?
8:12 Speaker 03 Uh, probably, but like...
8:15 H. Foley? I picked, that's the ultimate fat chick move, to me. When a chick would show up at work, and she would like, "I just gotta say..."
8:23 Speaker 03 Oh, thinking she's lying?
8:25 H. Foley? No. Believe in her.
8:27 Speaker 03 Okay.
8:28 H. Foley? That's just a real dirtbag fat chick move.
8:32 Speaker 03 Okay. I don't know if I fully...
8:34 H. Foley? Get it?
8:35 Speaker 03 I mean, you're, so you're at work at a restaurant in the city?
8:39 H. Foley? No, it's when I worked in an office. I was a...
8:43 Speaker 03 So do you, now, now, do you really think she didn't get an Egg McMuffin?
8:47 H. Foley? No, she got something.
8:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, okay. That's her line. I, we do the same thing.
8:50 H. Foley? I do the same thing all the time.
8:51 Speaker 03 I know. Honey.
8:52 H. Foley? I didn't mean to gender it.
8:53 Speaker 03 Should've been, "Honey, it's me. You done?"
8:56 H. Foley? Come on.
8:58 Speaker 03 You can see the biscuit from here. What are you talking about? Got a little bit of biscuit on that lip.
9:04 Speaker 03 Butter all over your fingers.
9:05 H. Foley? Come on!
9:06 Speaker 03 Even fingerprints all over the job.
9:07 H. Foley? We've been sleeping together for two weeks! Can't be out of it with me?
9:10 Speaker 03 No, so, listen, you know, New York City, I'm on the street, and, uh...
9:16 H. Foley? You're really painting a picture here, aren't you?
9:17 Speaker 03 Taking my dog, my beautiful dog, right over there, taking my dog for a walk, and I'm on the Hans cam.
9:21 H. Foley? Hey, Hansy.
9:22 Speaker 03 We, um, I turn around, a fa- nice, nice looking family walks by me. Grandparents.
9:30 H. Foley? Yeah.
9:30 Speaker 03 Mom, dad, probably around my age-ish.
9:32 H. Foley? The mom and dad are your age?
9:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:34 H. Foley? Huh.
9:35 Speaker 03 What?
9:36 H. Foley? I don't know.
9:36 Speaker 03 Is that... What, what do you get about it?
9:39 H. Foley? Do they have kids?
9:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:41 H. Foley? Stroller?
9:41 Speaker 03 That's why I would say the mom and dad, no, it's a, it's a young boy. Maybe fi- I don't know, I, I have a six month old, so that's all I know, so this kid could've been 14 or five. I think he was, let's call it five or six.
9:54 H. Foley? Would you say you're ahead of the game, or behind the game, for kids, you're a, for...
9:58 Speaker 03 Oh, I am, I'm 39 years old, I'm old.
10:01 H. Foley? Oh, really?
10:02 Speaker 03 You are real old. You gotta get cracking.
10:05 H. Foley? I'm just gonna adopt a full grown man.
10:07 Speaker 03 Have sex with him?
10:08 H. Foley? Hey!
10:08 Speaker 03 What?
10:09 H. Foley? It's my stepson. Her, but my adopted son.
10:12 Speaker 03 It's my stepdaddy.
10:13 H. Foley? There's somebody to hang out with.
10:14 Speaker 03 You, you adopt a stepdaddy? Stepbaddie, how you done? Zaddy? You need a zaddy.
10:20 H. Foley? What's that?
10:21 Speaker 03 Zatarans.
10:22 H. Foley? Oh, that's what I need. Little bit of Zatarans rice.
10:25 Speaker 03 Um, so it's a whole family, multi-generational, right?
10:31 Speaker 03 Mom. So it's grandparents, mom, dad, probably around my age. Thirty, five to forty, call it.
10:38 H. Foley? Okay.
10:38 Speaker 03 You know what I mean?
10:39 H. Foley? With a fourteen-year-old?
10:40 Speaker 03 No, I was joking.
10:41 H. Foley? Oh.
10:42 Speaker 03 Six, probably five, six-year-old.
10:44 H. Foley? What should you have?
10:46 Speaker 03 What?
10:46 H. Foley? How old should your kids be?
10:48 Speaker 03 I knew your head was somewhere else.
10:49 H. Foley? If you're thirty-nine?
10:50 Speaker 03 Uh, most people-
10:51 H. Foley? I mean, I'm cooked, I know that. I'm jammed up.
10:53 Speaker 03 Buddy, you're well done. What are you talking, cooked?
10:56 H. Foley? Yeah.
10:58 Speaker 03 I would say, look, it's, New York's obvious-
11:00 H. Foley? Ten?
11:01 Speaker 03 What?
11:01 H. Foley? Ten?
11:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, I mean, my friends have kids that are-
11:04 H. Foley? Oh, that's right.
11:05 Speaker 03 You know, yeah. Eight, I think thirty, if you're a career-minded individual, probably thirty, you start having kids twenty-eight-ish, probably.
11:16 Speaker 04 Yeah, starts around twenty-seven and a half. Most mothers are thirty now.
11:20 Speaker 03 New York, they're old, too. New York, it's like...
11:24 Speaker 03 You know, broads.
11:25 H. Foley? Sure.
11:25 Speaker 03 You know, we're all lying to ourselves, like, we're still young, but-
11:29 H. Foley? I'm fifty.
11:31 Speaker 03 What?
11:32 H. Foley? You know, because I was at a, uh, I was at a fifty-five and older community this weekend.
11:36 Speaker 03 Checking out real estate?
11:39 H. Foley? No.
11:39 Speaker 03 Couple more years, I'll be hanging out with you boys.
11:42 H. Foley? No, I had to go to a family function.
11:44 Speaker 03 At a fifty-five and older community?
11:46 H. Foley? That's where my aunt lives.
11:48 Speaker 03 Hey, tip, I thought that was like a dorm, you're not allowed to have parties.
11:51 H. Foley? No, this place, this joint's nice.
11:53 Speaker 03 Condos, apartments, single-family, because those are big now, those Toll Brothers don't have a single-family dorm.
11:58 H. Foley? Yeah, I think it's a mix of them. I think they got condos, they got, uh, carriage houses, and they got, uh, which one? It's all golf course stuff.
12:05 Speaker 03 Gotcha.
12:05 H. Foley? It's all golf course.
12:06 Speaker 03 Nice course, public course?
12:07 H. Foley? No, private.
12:08 Speaker 03 Why you fucking yelling at me?
12:09 H. Foley? Because I don't want you on my property.
12:11 Speaker 03 I don't want you on my aunt's, my, my old aunt's property. Okay.
12:15 H. Foley? Eat spring chicken, she moves around a lot.
12:16 Speaker 03 You should move into a fifty-five, they have a nice fifty-five and older community in New York, I saw, like, luxury, luxury-
12:21 H. Foley? This is what I'm saying, am I really five years away from that? That's crazy.
12:26 Speaker 03 Is your aunt only fifty-five?
12:27 H. Foley? No.
12:28 Speaker 03 Oh. She just moved in? Um, yeah, I mean, numerically, yeah.
12:37 H. Foley? That I could live in one of those things? I'm supposed to be, like, that's like inching toward retirement.
12:42 Speaker 03 You too, but, but, buddy. You're- You haven't started thinking about retirement, you should start thinking about retirement.
12:50 H. Foley? What's there to think about?
12:51 Speaker 03 The money?
12:52 H. Foley? Fucked.
12:53 Speaker 03 It's crazy, dude. It's crazy. It's so nuts.
12:58 H. Foley? I don't want to live in one of those things, though, but I probably do well in there. I look young.
13:04 Speaker 03 Sure.
13:05 H. Foley? It seems-
13:05 Speaker 03 See what the next five years does, though.
13:07 H. Foley? You know what the one of the-
13:07 Speaker 03 It's a crucial five. Fifty to fifty-five is what they call in the business a crucial.
13:12 H. Foley? I'm gonna drink a lot of water.
13:13 Speaker 03 Uh huh. That'll do it.
13:15 H. Foley? Drink a lot of water. You know, one of the old guys told me, I was asking him, I was like, "What's it like living in here?" You know what I mean?
13:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't know why. Nah, tell me, elaborate more on how to ask a question to a guy your age.
13:28 H. Foley? There were dudes like hanging out in the clubhouse, separate from where we were, and I was just poking my head around.
13:32 Speaker 03 Pitching pennies and stuff. What did they do?
13:34 H. Foley? They, they, a couple of old schoolers.
13:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:37 H. Foley? You know what I mean? Couple, couple Vietnam vets. You know, they're crazy. Vietnam vet, I could be in there in five years. They'd still be alive. They're crazy.
13:47 Speaker 03 I, I mean, I think it's crazy because you really don't understand that you're fifty years old. That's, like, that's the craziest part.
13:53 H. Foley? Nuts.
13:54 Speaker 03 I'm, I think I'm more aware of it than you are, for sure.
13:57 H. Foley? I bet you are.
13:58 Speaker 03 I don't know what that means.
13:59 H. Foley? I don't know.
14:00 Speaker 03 They're expensive, though. You're better off, you're better off enough, you gotta like sign your house over, you gotta sign everything over to them.
14:06 H. Foley? I gotta get a house first.
14:07 Speaker 03 Oh, man, I'm really behind you. I'm jammed the fuck up.
14:10 H. Foley? I got no kids to help me move either. Nothing. I'm like, "Uh, I asked the guy, I was like, "What's it like living here?" He's like, "It's awesome."
14:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:18 H. Foley? He's like, "It's like a, it's like a, it's like a cruise ship that never set sail." And I was like, and he kinda winked at me.
14:25 Speaker 04 You love a dumb saying like that?
14:27 Speaker 03 You do. You can get wrapped up by some old timer guy your age telling you how it is.
14:32 H. Foley? Well, he kinda gave me a wink, like-
14:33 Speaker 03 Probably fucking having a stroke or something. He's seizing out, and you're over there running his pockets, taking his, taking that gold watch he got on there. That says "Happy Birthday Barry." Congrats on the retirement.
14:45 H. Foley? It was a gift from Mr. Matt Farah.
14:46 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
14:49 H. Foley? I kinda gave me the wink like, you know.
14:52 Speaker 03 Yeah. Were you the only guy there in a cool flannel shirt? Like, or what were the other 50 guys in there? What were the other guys? What was he wearing? He had a shirt tucked in, nice belt, pair of slacks, nice pair of shoes.
15:07 H. Foley? Those guys all kick jeans with a collared shirt and a sweatshirt that says like, "The Arizona", or something like that. Whatever.
15:15 Speaker 03 Yours says Arizona Ice-T.
15:18 H. Foley? Whatever life accomplishment that they had.
15:19 Speaker 03 What would yours say?
15:22 H. Foley? Garbage.
15:26 Speaker 03 Are you garbage? Mine would say the same thing. Um, I think you'd be great in one of those. We've talked about it. I think you could fall in, you know, I'm sure if we even talked to them, maybe we gave a couple of free ads, you could get in there. Get in there early.
15:42 H. Foley? You could run the roost.
15:44 Speaker 03 You'd be the spokesman.
15:45 H. Foley? They seemed really happy.
15:47 Speaker 03 Yeah. They're chilling. They got a nice prop, nice new house probably. Fucking trim, as far as the eye can see.
15:54 H. Foley? But he gave me the wink, he gave me the wink like it's like...
15:57 Speaker 04 It's known to go down.
15:59 Speaker 03 Go in there and give everybody syphilis. Jesus Christ.
16:05 Speaker 03 Um, why'd you kinda give a fuck?
16:08 H. Foley? I'm a Catholic.
16:10 Speaker 03 Okay. Starting when? Uh...
16:13 H. Foley? About three seconds.
16:14 Speaker 03 Starting right now.
16:15 H. Foley? About three seconds before I die.
16:17 Speaker 03 Dump that on your head.
16:20 H. Foley? I gotta do is say an act of attrition and I'm in.
16:25 H. Foley? Nah, nah, nah, nah.
16:26 Speaker 03 More like an act of nutrition.
16:28 H. Foley? That's rude.
16:30 H. Foley? Give me Aura Frames, Aura Frames, Aura Frames!
16:32 Speaker 03 I'll say it again, Aura friggin' Frames.
16:34 H. Foley? That's what you yell when you're looking for a last minute lifesaver on a gift.
16:38 Speaker 03 That's what you yell when it shows up and is the lifesaver. You go, "Aura Frames!"
16:42 H. Foley? Exactly. What, "Last minute"? What do you mean? You should be thinking this out. But if you get jammed up and you're looking for a last minute gift idea, it's gotta be an Aura Frame. Every woman in your life should have an Aura Frame.
16:53 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
16:54 H. Foley? Digital photos, upload it, bang. See what the kids are doing. See what you're up to. Stay in touch with your loved ones and it's easy. These old broads, they don't have the technology. You get that stuff right there on the countertop. All they gotta do is look.
17:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, listen, if you're a bozo like me, which I am well documented bozo.
17:11 H. Foley? I concur.
17:11 Speaker 03 Bad at giving gifts, never done it right. Ask my wife, ask my mom, ask him. The only time I've come correct is with Aura Frames. I get it, they open it up. Your mom goes, "Oh my God, I seen these. Peggy's got one, they see the kids. There you go, ship it." It takes, it's so friggin' easy. It's, I cannot, I cannot stress. The thought process that goes into buying an Aura Frame is zero. Boom, Aura Frame, Carver Mat, out the door. And the reaction you get.
17:42 Speaker 03 Mate, it'll keep you in a will, if you catch my drift. For a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura Frame's best-selling Carver Mat Frame, named number one by Wirecutter by using the promo code GARBAGE at checkout. That's Aura, A-U-R-A, Frames.com, promo code GARBAGE. This deal is exclusive to the listener, to our listeners, and the frames will sell out fast. So order yours now to get in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.
18:07 H. Foley? Kip, True Classics.
18:08 Speaker 03 True Classics, True Classics, True Classics. Is there a little bit of news over there from the big man about True Classics?
18:13 H. Foley? That I'm back into True Classics?
18:14 Speaker 03 Back in the TCs, dog.
18:16 H. Foley? I am back into True Classics. I got about 15 of them, I'm going through them. I'm enjoying them. The way they feel on my arms, the way they feel around my tummy. They get better when you wash them, it's unbelievable. They're the best t-shirt I've ever had. Over 25 million shirts sold to 5 million customers. More than 200,000 5-star reviews. How about that? And here's the turkey, they don't just make t-shirts no more.
18:41 Speaker 03 No.
18:41 H. Foley? All right? They're not just trying to choose no more. True Classics getting a little bit of everything.
18:45 Speaker 03 They got it all, baby.
18:46 H. Foley? Get it all.
18:47 Speaker 03 Uh, that's why True Classics makes the perfect gift this holiday season. Whether you're shopping for your dad, your brother, your partner, or now even the women and kids in your life. True Classics has something for everyone. The same premium comfort and perfect fit that built the brand are now available for the whole family. Listen, you wanna, you wanna flex on your dad, your in-law, your girlfriend or wife's husband, or father?
19:10 Speaker 03 Hit them with a
19:10 H. Foley? Flex them.
19:11 Speaker 03 Hit them with a pack of these. They're gonna go, "Oh, t-shirts." They're gonna put them on and they're gonna walk into work tonight. "Oh, look at that, look at all my..." They're gonna put it on. "Oh, this is a, oh, this is something Timmy got me. I'm gonna throw it on, wear it to the gym." He's gonna get to the gym, he's gonna look yoked. He's gonna look like he's doing cycles of-
19:26 H. Foley? Not even gonna know.
19:26 Speaker 03 Cycles of windstraw.
19:28 H. Foley? Not even gonna know.
19:28 Speaker 03 Skip the guesswork and the overpriced designer stuff. Give comfort, give confidence, give true classics. You can find them at Amazon, Target, Costco and Sam's Club. Or head to trueclassic.com. This is what I would do.
19:37 H. Foley? Yes.
19:37 Speaker 03 Head to trueclassic.com/garbage to grab the perfect gift for everyone on your list. Do it.
19:42 H. Foley? So what, so you're talking to this old guy?
19:45 Speaker 03 What, old guy? What are you talking about? There's a family and with a kid who's about five or six years old.
19:50 H. Foley? Where are you now?
19:51 Speaker 03 I'm on the street.
19:52 H. Foley? Where?
19:52 Speaker 03 Nice street. Up by me.
19:54 H. Foley? Okay.
19:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:55 H. Foley? For some reason I pictured you in Times Square.
19:58 Speaker 03 Is that what you're thinking? "Well, I dress like the Cookie Monsters or something like that."
20:02 H. Foley? Trying to make ends meet?
20:04 Speaker 03 I got flyers, who needs two?
20:07 H. Foley? A lot of comedy.
20:08 Speaker 03 Gotta get the big man, gotta get the big man in a fucking 55 and older.
20:13 H. Foley? Those things are expensive, huh? You gotta cash to get in there.
20:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:17 H. Foley? Probably get a roommate, though. Bunk up one of those old guys. Start hitting the happy hour, which is at 3.
20:25 Speaker 03 Early bird special. Doing early bird breakfast. 4 a.m.
20:31 H. Foley? Y'all done?
20:31 Speaker 03 No. So... They're walking, they walk by me. I say, "Oh, nice family." Now I'm a family man. You know what I mean?
20:40 H. Foley? Sure.
20:40 Speaker 03 I notice that stuff a little bit. I go, "There's the mom, the dad, the..."
20:43 H. Foley? I've heard you yelling, yeah.
20:45 Speaker 03 They're in the, what?
20:46 H. Foley? You're a family man, yell.
20:48 Speaker 03 Ah, like a dad.
20:49 H. Foley? Yes.
20:49 Speaker 03 No, but I just see like, I'm like, oh, in my head I go, "Oh, that's cute. The fucking parents are in town visiting, you know, something, something. What's that, you know, just kinda, I'm understanding it." And then... Hans is peeing, as he does in telephone pole, whatever. I look over. Their kid, they're about 20 feet away from me now. Gets five or six.
21:13 Speaker 03 Pants fully down at the ankles.
21:16 H. Foley? Yeah?
21:16 Speaker 03 And he's peeing on a tree. This is broad daylight. New York City.
21:21 H. Foley? Hippie shit.
21:22 Speaker 03 We're about-
21:25 Speaker 03 Fifty yards from multiple coffee shops, restaurants, places.
21:33 H. Foley? Of business?
21:33 Speaker 03 The kid could go to the bathroom.
21:37 Speaker 03 What's your vibe on that?
21:39 H. Foley? I mean, I gotta be honest with you. I don't really give a shit.
21:43 Speaker 03 I don't, I don't necessarily care. I'm not like writing the fucking, you know, I'm not writing my neighborhood watch. I do think it's a little uncouth.
21:53 H. Foley? Yeah, I'll give you that.
21:54 Speaker 03 I mean, go between a car. Have the dad stand there. Go between a car.
21:58 H. Foley? Yeah, I'll give you that.
21:59 Speaker 03 You're peeing where the dog pees.
22:01 H. Foley? Yeah.
22:02 Speaker 03 Are we not civil? In the woods, by all means.
22:05 H. Foley? But I'm-
22:05 Speaker 03 Listen, between the, like, against the wall, this kid's just fucking-
22:09 H. Foley? I'm big on peeing outside, though. I love that freedom.
22:12 Speaker 03 Hand up, big pee outside guy.
22:14 H. Foley? Is this a spot like I would know up there by you?
22:18 Speaker 03 Right in front of my building.
22:19 H. Foley? What?
22:20 Speaker 03 Yes.
22:20 H. Foley? Oh, well, that's crazy.
22:21 Speaker 03 Thank you. Main street, not even like, we dipped off-
22:25 H. Foley? Like his little noodles just sticking out there?
22:27 Speaker 03 I saw the back half.
22:28 H. Foley? Jesus Christ.
22:30 Speaker 03 And I'm going like-
22:31 H. Foley? Were they European?
22:32 Speaker 03 I don't think so. They looked like, I mean, they were a little crunchy, little crunchy, but looked like they had cash.
22:38 H. Foley? Maybe the kid did it and they didn't know. Maybe it's a bit.
22:41 Speaker 03 What do you mean? The whole fucking multi-generational standing there watching him. And even if he's doing it as a bit, you fucking, yo!
22:48 H. Foley? Did they circle around him?
22:49 Speaker 03 No, not even, not even give him coverage. You know how many times we pulled over on the fucking AC Expressway? Hey, I gotta pee. I'm not gonna make it to Farley's.
22:56 H. Foley? Yeah, you open the two doors-
22:57 Speaker 03 Open the two doors, a little bit, listen, I don't care if a grown man pees outside. I've been jammed the fuck up. We've been on the road, I've had a shit at a Home Depot, you go in, whatever. That's gotta happen. You make an attempt. They were peeing like we were on a fucking commune. It's crazy.
23:14 H. Foley? Jesus.
23:14 Speaker 03 You should be locked up for that. Going between a car, have the dad go, I got your ba- hey, sorry.
23:20 H. Foley? Plus, you get caught looking. That's not good for you either.
23:22 Speaker 03 I'm over there, I'm looking at fucking six-year-old cheeks. I'm trying to walk the dog. You fucking lock me up. The hell's going on here? Yeah, what the fuck? I don't know, it's just like, I don't know what that would take anybody.
23:36 H. Foley? There used to be more shame involved.
23:38 Speaker 03 Dude, there was, I mean, this was a celebration.
23:41 H. Foley? Peeing in the woods was one thing, that's different. Like you said.
23:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, if you're in the woods and you're with everybody, you just take three steps to the right. Dude, if you're tailgating, pee between, like, I get you're gonna pee outside, I'm not even, I'm pro peeing outside.
23:55 H. Foley? But we would do it on the side of the road like we were gonna get in trouble if we got caught.
23:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, like the fucking, the feds were gonna come in and swoop in.
24:02 H. Foley? Yeah, state trooper come pull behind ya.
24:04 Speaker 03 This is new, this is Manhattan. Manhattan. Fucking bird out, peeing.
24:10 H. Foley? Did your mom ever do that?
24:13 Speaker 03 What?
24:15 H. Foley? Well, did you ever pull over, have to pull over so your, so a lady could pee?
24:18 Speaker 03 No. Not travelers. Uh... No, I don't think so. Not that I can recall. But also, like, we're never anywhere, we're not like, you know, driving through the fucking salt flats or something where there's nowhere to go.
24:35 H. Foley? As a kid, I was so intrigued by ladies peeing. Not like that, but just...
24:41 Speaker 03 Okay, okay.
24:43 Speaker 03 I've seen the videos.
24:44 H. Foley? Nuh-uh.
24:45 Speaker 03 You're into wet work, huh?
24:48 H. Foley? I just didn't understand it.
24:49 Speaker 03 I don't know what it would take for my dad, and again, we're dirtbags. But like, just to go, just pee on the broad daylight on the side, no like, between a car or something.
25:01 H. Foley? Misses, was he peeing, was he peeing in grass or on the sidewalk? Like, was it concrete?
25:07 Speaker 03 It might have been, he might have been like, in like, a little patch of like, dirt, essentially.
25:12 H. Foley? The fuck?
25:13 Speaker 03 Right?
25:14 H. Foley? Fucking New York City, Jack. Like, what the fuck, man?
25:18 Speaker 03 Gotta put that thing in a holster, kid.
25:19 H. Foley? Yeah.
25:19 Speaker 03 Wild. Also, I wanted to go up to the parents and be like, "The fuck is this?" We're, if your kid has to go to the bathroom, I get it, it's an emergency, we're fucking around the corner. Around the corner from multiple coffee shops, a restaurant, "Hey, my five-year-old has to go to the bathroom." Great, go.
25:36 H. Foley? You gotta buy something, but still.
25:38 Speaker 03 They don't even do that.
25:38 H. Foley? Get a cup of coffee.
25:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:40 H. Foley? Yeah, go, yeah. That old bag probably needs one. He's probably falling asleep.
25:44 Speaker 03 Kids don't need anything to drink though. Fucking be pulling over every 10 feet.
25:49 H. Foley? That's crazy.
25:49 Speaker 03 I know. I was just like, that to me is like, not dirtbag behavior. That's like, I don't know, that's trashy behavior.
25:56 H. Foley? What's next? The kid's taking a dump?
26:00 Speaker 03 I don't know. I don't come from a family that, without that shit. We're a shameful Irish Catholic guilt shameful family.
26:07 H. Foley? Yeah, small weiner.
26:08 Speaker 03 Sure. But, I don't know what, I-
26:11 H. Foley? I'm in my window shopping with that.
26:13 Speaker 03 I don't know at what age that would ever be appropriate.
26:17 H. Foley? Go between a car.
26:18 Speaker 03 Car. Hide a little bit. Give me something, you know what I mean?
26:22 H. Foley? Crazy.
26:23 Speaker 03 Um.
26:24 H. Foley? I wanted to tell you about this real quick. Uh, I've been exposed to this. Um-
26:29 Speaker 03 Okay. Nice word of transition.
26:31 H. Foley? Did you see that they have these, uh, biodegradable sandwich bags now?
26:36 Speaker 03 What?
26:37 H. Foley? Yeah. It's like a fucking dog, it's like a-
26:40 Speaker 03 I've seen the doggy bags.
26:41 H. Foley? Doggy bags.
26:42 Speaker 03 Like they all have biodegradable like, uh, dog poop bags.
26:45 H. Foley? That's what you, that's what you feel like you're pulling a sandwich out of. I swear to God, they're brutal. Listen, I'm all for the environment and all that stuff, but these things are-
26:54 Speaker 03 Oh, they come in the cardboard-
26:56 H. Foley? Dude, they're like chalky.
26:58 Speaker 03 Uh. Yeah, they have like a sawdust inside of them, kind of.
27:00 H. Foley? What the fuck, man? I got mashed potatoes, it, it, I can't eat it.
27:05 Speaker 03 I got greens, beans, potatoes to me.
27:08 H. Foley? I can't eat them. It's like, it's like something took a dump in there. Ruined my, leftover mashed potatoes. I had to throw them out. Couldn't do it.
27:16 Speaker 03 You throw them out?
27:17 H. Foley? You throw them out. Throw them out.
27:20 Speaker 03 Look at me.
27:20 H. Foley? I'm looking at you. I throw them out. Yeah.
27:23 Speaker 03 Uncross your testicle.
27:24 H. Foley? They're always crossed. Need a surgeon.
27:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm not all about, um, I don't like, I didn't like that, I didn't like that press and seal stuff they tried pulling on us too. Remember that?
27:34 H. Foley? Press and seal?
27:35 Speaker 03 Yeah, you would get like a plate, and it would be like Saran Wrap. But it had like a stickiness to it and you would like run your finger around the edge and it would seal.
27:45 H. Foley? Oh, I don't mind that.
27:46 Speaker 03 Nah, same thing. It was like, it was like, it was just like, imagine like a big sheet of dull Scotch tape.
27:51 H. Foley? Yeah.
27:52 Speaker 03 And then like the sauce is on it. Nah.
27:56 H. Foley? We just needed to stop when we did the yellow and blue make green. Remember?
28:00 Speaker 03 I'm good with that.
28:01 H. Foley? Yeah.
28:01 Speaker 03 And when in the commercial they put the bees in there holding them over the guy's head. I'm good. You know, I like the zipper now. We'll do the zipper.
28:08 H. Foley? I like the zipper.
28:08 Speaker 03 That's classy.
28:09 H. Foley? And I know it's for-
28:10 Speaker 03 That was rich guy shit.
28:10 H. Foley? I know it's for the environment and all that kinda stuff, but man. Alright.
28:14 Speaker 03 Well, just save it somewhere else.
28:15 H. Foley? I'm with you.
28:16 Speaker 03 I hate that it's on me. Hey, you gotta change my fucking sandwich bag? How about the guy who owns fucking Hefty stops zipping around in his private jet? That way I wouldn't have to fucking eat, eat dog shit bags.
28:27 H. Foley? You just think he flies private?
28:28 Speaker 03 The guy who owns Hefty? Do you have no teeth?
28:32 H. Foley? I don't, I do have teeth. Look, somebody was talking shit saying I don't have teeth. I can see your hair.
28:38 Speaker 03 You take them out of your pockets. I got teeth right here. Um, all that's neither here nor there. We got a gosh darn family episode on our hands, gang. As you know, when you enjoy the whole Patreon, it will answer your garbage question on the air. It's the only way to get a crack at it. Um-
28:53 H. Foley? Sign up!
28:54 Speaker 03 Sign up. Join a fucking-
28:56 H. Foley? Don't be hitting me up!
28:57 Speaker 03 Join all the one-legged, uh, army of bozos, army of homies over there. Um, let's see, uh, speaking of dri- okay, this is from Zinnister. $10 homie never had one read. Are you garbage if you go through the drive-thru, eat in your car, then go back inside to get a refill?
29:17 H. Foley? No.
29:18 Speaker 03 That's not trashy?
29:19 H. Foley? Well, yeah.
29:20 Speaker 03 Okay. That's dirt. I mean, I'm on, I'm fine with it. I was always a big, get my food, pull right up into the parking spot and eat it.
29:28 H. Foley? Of course.
29:28 Speaker 03 A hundred, my, I learned that from my dad, my ma, that's what we did.
29:31 H. Foley? But let me ask you this. Alright?
29:35 Speaker 03 So I'm okay with that if you're-
29:36 H. Foley? Mr. Peeing on the street?
29:37 Speaker 03 Before you get out of town, go top off.
29:40 H. Foley? Yeah.
29:40 Speaker 03 Maybe use the bathroom.
29:42 H. Foley? What really is-
29:43 Speaker 03 Or the play place.
29:43 H. Foley? What really is-
29:45 Speaker 03 Hop in a ball pit. Why not? Hey, I bought my nuggets. My money's no good here? Rodney!
29:51 H. Foley? Get out of my way, kid.
29:54 H. Foley? Hey, your mom's pretty hot.
29:57 Speaker 03 Talking to me?
29:58 H. Foley? No. Eating in the car. You're on the property.
30:03 H. Foley? It's kinda like you're eating in. Right?
30:06 Speaker 03 I don't hate that. They have seats outside in a lot of places.
30:10 H. Foley? You should be able to go in and use the facilities.
30:13 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, you're 100% allowed to. 100%.
30:17 Speaker 03 You know what I saw on TikTok recently? You know how there's that crazy long line at Chick-fil-A? Did you see this TikTok?
30:22 H. Foley? Oh, I know what you're talking about.
30:24 Speaker 03 He pulls up and he's like, "I just need to grab sauce or something, or I'm, you know, I'm just grabbing..."
30:28 H. Foley? Napkins.
30:29 Speaker 03 Napkins.
30:30 H. Foley? And he takes somebody's order.
30:32 Speaker 03 Hey, what are you fucking undercutting the story? What the fuck, dude? That was crazy. That was, that was, that was so nuts.
30:44 Speaker 03 Like, I'm like, I'm drawing it out, trying to paint a sto- paint somewhat of a picture, and you just fucking turn to the last page and read the, read the ending. That was crazy, dude. That was so funny.
31:01 Speaker 03 Have you ever done this before?
31:06 Speaker 03 I mean, we gotta fill four hours a week and you're chopping me off. That's so funny.
31:14 H. Foley? I'm sorry.
31:14 Speaker 03 No, it's hilarious. It's so good. I mean, if it's not my story.
31:17 H. Foley? You should have saw the look on your face.
31:22 H. Foley? I didn't even realize I was doing it.
31:26 H. Foley? Ah, shit.
31:29 H. Foley? Yeah, he takes somebody's order.
31:30 Speaker 03 Nah.
31:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, and they go, "Oh, Charlie?" And he goes, "Yeah, that's me," and just grabs Charlie's order and rolls.
31:36 H. Foley? But I don't understand, that, that was like a parking facility. How big is Chick-fil-A?
31:42 Speaker 03 Oh, you've never seen a suburban one?
31:44 H. Foley? Like, that was a person that, she was in a separate booth at the beginning of the parking lot.
31:51 H. Foley? She wasn't in the building where they sell their sandwiches.
31:53 Speaker 03 No, no, no.
31:54 H. Foley? She was in her own little hut.
31:55 Speaker 03 No, I think she was like under an overhang. Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I don't have the details. Maybe you saw the video. I don't know.
32:00 Speaker 04 In-N-Out does that. They'll have a runner go down the line through the drive-through and take orders.
32:05 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, that's what, if you've never seen, I don't know if you-
32:08 H. Foley? They're moving that kind of weight?
32:09 Speaker 03 Dude, the one I went, I swear to God, I'm not even fucking around, there was sixty cars. And they got multiple people going down, so you're just waiting there. They got people going down, "What do you have in, what do you have in, what do you have in?" And they're, they're on like an iPad, tapping it to fuck in. And they're moving units out there. Units.
32:25 H. Foley? Chick-fil-A's killing it that much.
32:27 Speaker 03 Eh, crazy. Crazy.
32:29 H. Foley? They didn't even put mayonnaise on the sandwiches.
32:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:32 H. Foley? It's just a pickle.
32:33 Speaker 03 With chicken head, juicy. Who needs to, you know what I mean? Don't get me.
32:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:39 H. Foley? I need a little mayo.
32:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:41 H. Foley? Or some of that Chick-fil-A sauce.
32:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, nah, there's something so fucking, I get no pickies. There's something so pure just about that bun and that chicken washed down with a couple of nuggets.
32:53 H. Foley? With a fountain soda.
32:54 Speaker 03 Woo, fountain cake. A fountain diet cake.
32:57 H. Foley? And then waffle fries are alright.
33:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, everything about it's great. And it feels healthy. I know it's wrong and I'm a fat piece of shit, a well-doc, it, you're saying it doesn't?
33:07 Speaker 04 No, it does.
33:08 H. Foley? Are they franchises?
33:09 Speaker 03 I, I like the fact that like the cups even, styrofoam cups, so it's, it's not like heavy. It, it, everything, the, the nuggets are smaller, so they don't feel like as, it's just-
33:20 H. Foley? We should bring back, listen, I know I'm really killing the environment in this episode, but styrofoam cups, let's bring them back.
33:28 Speaker 03 Are they that bad?
33:29 H. Foley? I don't know.
33:31 Speaker 03 Find out like, find out the brass tacks on like-
33:34 H. Foley? This is getting crazy, though.
33:36 Speaker 03 What?
33:36 H. Foley? The styrofoam cups, man, with that crushed ice, forget about it. It's the best.
33:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:41 H. Foley? You think Burger King could fucking use some styrofoam cups? You guys are tanking.
33:46 Speaker 03 I never remember, I never remember styrofoam cups at Burger King.
33:49 H. Foley? No, they never had them, but just think how good they'd be doing if they had them.
33:52 Speaker 03 True.
33:53 Speaker 04 The problem is really they don't go away.
33:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, they're not biodegradable.
33:58 H. Foley? These are just coal sources, and I got one of them.
34:00 Speaker 03 Coal source.
34:04 H. Foley? Kim, it's like about Chime.
34:05 Speaker 03 Chime!
34:06 H. Foley? As you know, baby, life comes at you pretty quick.
34:08 Speaker 03 You ain't lying, big man.
34:09 H. Foley? Things start adding up.
34:10 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
34:11 H. Foley? You know what I'm saying? I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, if you're gonna do a little banking, make sure you save your money, make sure you do it right, watch out for bank fees, all that kinda stuff. I'll tell you what I really wish. I could go back and say, "Hey, I wish I had Chime."
34:25 Speaker 03 I know. Listen, if you're out there, this is where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. It's hard, listen, it's hard enough to keep a buck as it is. Then you got these big corporate banks coming after ya.
34:38 H. Foley? Overdraft fees.
34:39 Speaker 03 Overdraft fee, uh, monthly statement, not it. Oh, five dollars for this, ten dollars for that. They got their hand in your pocket. Not with Chime. Chime offers the most rewarding fee-free banking, all with no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, no minimum balances. You get 5% cash back on the Chime card in a category of your choice, like gas or groceries, all while building credit through regular, everyday spending. And if you're ever in a pinch, SpotMe lets you overdraft up to $200 fee-free. Look at that, I know, I need that, dog. Uh, right now, you can join the millions that are already banking fee-free with America's number one choice for banking. Head to chime.com/garbage. That's chime.com/garbage. Sign up now, it only takes a few minutes.
35:20 H. Foley? Do it.
35:21 Speaker 05 Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com/disclosures for details.
35:33 Speaker 03 Uh, alright, let's see here. Um, this one, I don't know if we've recently talked about. I feel like we might have. Um, this is from Hulk. $10 Long Island homie here. Is it garbage to a 50/50 at your wedding? Getting married in September and trying to make an extra buck?
35:50 H. Foley? Oh, you bastard.
35:52 Speaker 03 They then said, "We're close to..." Also, Kippy and Full, if you guys really wanna come, we're about 30 minutes from you. Someone said, "Hey, I'm from Bay Shore, is it an open bar?" So they're vibing, and he said, "Yeah, for sure."
36:02 H. Foley? If you really wanna come, it sounds like an invite. Great invite.
36:06 Speaker 03 No. If you guys wanna come, feel free to come out. It's 30 minutes from you.
36:10 H. Foley? You said, you put the really.
36:11 Speaker 03 I'm sorry.
36:12 H. Foley? I'm down.
36:13 Speaker 03 You're a real fucking stickler today, aren't ya?
36:14 H. Foley? Yeah, a little bit.
36:15 Speaker 03 Um, a 50/50 at a wedding is so fun to me. So fun. You get your gift, and you go, "Hey, guys, honeymoon fun, whatever, whatever fun. We're doing a 50/50." I'd be drunk and buy a fucking, "What are the tickets? Ah, give me a hundred dollars. There you go. You're a good kid."
36:32 H. Foley? So let's say it's two grand. The person who won gets a thousand, and then the couple gets a thousand. And then, you'd hope, maybe.
36:41 Speaker 03 Give it back?
36:43 H. Foley? Yeah.
36:44 Speaker 03 Give it back half?
36:45 H. Foley? Give it back half?
36:45 Speaker 03 Well, it might be. I gotta, you know, I gotta rent a tux, maybe, if I'm in a wedding.
36:49 H. Foley? Would you? You wouldn't give the whole thing back?
36:51 Speaker 03 I'd probably give the whole thing back. I'd throw it in there. I'd make a big speech, or I'd make a spectacle out of it.
36:57 H. Foley? You definitely get to make a speech. You win, you get to make a speech.
37:01 Speaker 03 Or maybe, you know what I would do? I'd give them half. Say it's two grand. Well, run the numbers on that. How many people are at a wedding? Average wedding, say a hundred? Say 200.
37:12 Speaker 03 What's that? That's 10 bucks a clip? I think you'd probably do more than two grand.
37:17 Speaker 04 You're doing the...
37:18 H. Foley? What do you mean, 10 bucks a clip?
37:19 Speaker 04 It's also smart. They're doing the open bar. So you're getting, it's like, you're getting some drunk guys coming in later.
37:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, guys are drunk going, "Ah, give me 40, give me 50, give me..."
37:28 H. Foley? There's the only problem with it.
37:29 Speaker 03 So they're gonna, you're gonna do more than two grand. I love this idea, and more dirtbags should fucking do it.
37:35 H. Foley? Here's the only problem with that.
37:36 Speaker 03 Especially if you're paying for the wedding yourself.
37:38 H. Foley? Everybody always comes to the wedding understacked with cash.
37:42 Speaker 03 That's, I feel completely wrong.
37:44 H. Foley? Really?
37:46 Speaker 03 The guys I roll, like, the dirtbags I roll, all the fucking pipe fitters, the pl- everybody in my family who's a blue collar worker has cash. I never had cash, cuz I...
37:55 H. Foley? Have you ever brought more than $7 to a wedding?
37:57 Speaker 04 I, weddings, I like to bring $100 minimum cash.
38:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, you gotta, you gotta be, you're dead...
38:02 H. Foley? Is that broken up, or honored?
38:03 Speaker 04 Uh, broken up, usually 520s.
38:05 Speaker 03 That's all ones. All right, one at a time. There's plenty more where that came from. Uh...
38:11 H. Foley? Big wad? You got a five on the outside?
38:13 Speaker 03 No, always. Everybody, I feel like everybody has cash at a wedding.
38:17 Speaker 04 Yeah, for the tip.
38:18 Speaker 03 That's like, you stop, "Oh, I stop and get cash on the way to a wedding. You stop and tap mac, you hit the wah-wah." I love this idea.
38:24 H. Foley? I like it, too.
38:25 Speaker 03 Well, it's, it's no rub off anybody's back. Hey, if you wanna do it, hey, we're doing a 50/50.
38:29 H. Foley? You're creating... Money. You're creating a pot. No one's getting hurt.
38:35 Speaker 03 I mean, the people are getting hurt, they're out 50 bucks, 20 bucks, 100 bucks.
38:39 H. Foley? Having a good time. What's an extra 50? Having a good time?
38:42 Speaker 03 I think it's, I think it's great, and I think you would get more people to do it because it's going to... Listen, everybody's there. They just watch you trade vows. It's love. We're celebrating. I love Tammy. I love Jason. I'm fucking all fucked up on, you know, whatever they're throwing out at the open bar.
38:59 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
39:00 Speaker 03 Cover those expenses. Those, you know, oh, we forgot that we gotta tip the priest. We gotta do whatever. You gotta whack him off. Gotta do that.
39:06 H. Foley? Mm-hmm. Gotta take care of that guy.
39:08 Speaker 03 That should take over.
39:09 Speaker 04 I think the lowest someone's coming in is like a dub, too.
39:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, here's 20 bucks.
39:13 Speaker 04 That's minimum.
39:14 Speaker 03 The kids are playing. Dad, can I get 20? Dad, let me get 20. That's like a fucking arcade game.
39:18 H. Foley? That's the thing I gotta worry about. Some little fucking...
39:21 Speaker 03 That you're not getting...
39:22 H. Foley? Some little prick.
39:23 Speaker 03 Hopefully the dad steps back in.
39:24 H. Foley? Yeah, some little prick fucking getting it.
39:27 Speaker 03 I remember...
39:27 H. Foley? Some 11-year-old.
39:28 Speaker 03 We won...
39:28 H. Foley? Hey, what are you doing?
39:29 Speaker 03 We won one at like a CYO.
39:31 H. Foley? Then you gotta fight him. Karoom's gotta pull him aside.
39:36 Speaker 03 Smack him around a little bit.
39:39 H. Foley? Cause they got 11, you're not giving that back up.
39:42 Speaker 03 Well, that's just what I'm saying. I remember we won one, or we almost won one, or someone at a CYO game for like my brother, like a tournament. Maybe someone else won. I remember learning the lesson. I remember the lesson was you gotta give it back.
39:56 H. Foley? He quits the team.
39:57 Speaker 04 You guys walk out and smoke a cigar.
40:01 H. Foley? Be a Chick-fil-A, thanks, losers.
40:03 Speaker 03 Uh... My dad going, "You gotta get... The guy didn't kick it back in." And I remember my dad being like... "For the church or what? For the kids."
40:14 H. Foley? The church!
40:15 Speaker 03 "You gotta kick his for the kids. You gotta kick it back in." Catholic Youth League or something like that.
40:20 H. Foley? That's a tough position, though.
40:21 Speaker 03 And I remember being like, "Fuck that. They get their half. I get my half. Suck my dick." I forget. I don't know if we won. I just remember learning the lesson. I think we were judging. He was judging a guy.
40:33 H. Foley? The bigger it is. If it's like 15 grand...
40:38 Speaker 03 I ain't, I ain't parting with that. Fifteen grand, untaxed, right?
40:43 H. Foley? Yeah, what if the wed- what do you mean untaxed? I'm not gonna say nothing.
40:46 Speaker 03 Okay, I'm not kinda guy. That's a one-time gift, under seventeen grand.
40:50 H. Foley? Those things don't get taxed, do they?
40:52 Speaker 03 I don't know. Is it cash?
40:56 H. Foley? If it's a wedding and it's fifteen grand. I guess they're not making thirty grand.
41:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, how many people are at this fucking wedding?
41:02 H. Foley? It's a big affair. With some very well-to-do people.
41:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, sounds it. Who love doing fifty-fifties apparently. If you're inviting that many rich people to your wedding, you don't need a host of fifty-fifty. This should be like an Elks Bar, a VFW, the barn.
41:16 H. Foley? Talking about five grand.
41:18 Speaker 03 I think that dude, I mean, I think if you can come up with fifteen, two grand, if you, that's amazing. That's such like a fucking game.
41:24 H. Foley? Do you get twenty-five hundred walking out the door?
41:26 Speaker 03 For two guys who are bootstrapped, two guys, two guys, gals, whatever, that are bootstrapping her wedding? I love that. Yeah, I don't think you can do it if like, the groom's mom paid for it.
41:37 Speaker 03 It's like you take what you get from the gifts. That's the deal. We've all, for some reason, have come accustomed to. Somebody else pays for the wedding, you get to keep the gifts. It's this one-time. Start off lump sum to buy a house or something. But you can't be.
41:55 H. Foley? Buying a house.
41:56 Speaker 03 You can't be running a fuck, you can't be playing three, have a three-card Monte game going and also, you're not paying for the fucking wedding. You can only do this if you paid for the wedding.
42:05 H. Foley? Alright, cool.
42:05 Speaker 03 There. Kippy has spoken.
42:08 Speaker 04 Do you have to give it all back, like in these? I've never really played the fifty-fifty.
42:13 Speaker 03 I've never won a fifty-fifty. Uh, I think it depends. Depending on what it is.
42:18 H. Foley? It's like a kid cancer, something like that.
42:20 Speaker 04 That's obvious, you gotta go all back in.
42:23 Speaker 03 Yeah. If it's like a fundraiser for like, of good, I mean like, they'll do them just to raise money and they'll go, we're okay with raising this money for... If it's a sad or emotional.
42:33 H. Foley? But if it's like Shriners or something like that, they got that. They don't need that. They don't need your twelve hundred.
42:40 Speaker 03 I don't think Shriners is doing 50/50s dude. See what Shriners made last year, it's probably like fucking 80 billion. Which is a great institution. It's what my fam, we're a big Shriners family.
42:50 H. Foley? Of course.
42:51 Speaker 03 Fucking.
42:51 H. Foley? I always say that kid in the wheel, that kid moves decades.
42:55 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
42:55 H. Foley? He's good.
42:56 Speaker 03 Um, but yeah, shout out to the 50/50 and if you've done it.
42:59 H. Foley? What?
43:00 Speaker 04 In 2023, the total revenue, does anyone wanna guess?
43:04 H. Foley? Five billion.
43:05 Speaker 04 1.1 billion.
43:07 H. Foley? Good for them. Doing the Lord's work.
43:09 Speaker 03 50/50, I'm big that 50/50, it's gonna be a fucking 2.2 billion dollar 50/50, you idiot.
43:16 H. Foley? I give it that back.
43:19 H. Foley? Nah.
43:19 Speaker 03 We should, if, listen, also too.
43:21 H. Foley? Keep the blanket with the bear on it, I'm outta here.
43:24 Speaker 03 When we talked about, uh, if we do that like, uh, what we talked about with, I was gonna call her Aunt Patty, uh, Ms. Pat. No, the fan appreciative.
43:34 Speaker 04 Block party or whatever.
43:35 Speaker 03 The block party fan appreciation thing.
43:37 H. Foley? I'll be mad if you give it back.
43:38 Speaker 03 We'll do a 50/50, you keep it. Keep it, we'll donate the other half to somebody, we'll, we'll donate our half.
43:46 H. Foley? Yes.
43:47 Speaker 03 To me. To Kevin Ryan Industries. No, yeah, we'll donate, we'll donate, so let's loosely.
43:54 H. Foley? Kids being on the sidewalk.
43:55 Speaker 03 I wanna do it at VFW or something like that, Knights of Columbus, something real of our time.
43:59 H. Foley? Can we get mashed potatoes and meatballs in Coleslaw?
44:02 Speaker 03 All fucking chafing trays.
44:04 H. Foley? Nice.
44:04 Speaker 03 I got a caterer already fucking eyed out, keep it in the family.
44:07 H. Foley? Really?
44:08 Speaker 03 Keeping it in the family.
44:09 H. Foley? What, who do you got?
44:10 Speaker 03 Don't ask my fuck, don't ask me fucking questions like that.
44:13 H. Foley? We'll have to go down there and taste it first.
44:14 Speaker 03 Cheese steak egg rolls.
44:15 H. Foley? Oh, I know what you're talking about.
44:16 Speaker 03 You don't know nothing about nothing.
44:18 H. Foley? Doesn't the VFW do it?
44:20 Speaker 03 You can use in-house, so, we used to do it at.
44:23 H. Foley? If you want their meatballs, you gotta do it in-house.
44:25 Speaker 03 See if you can get the rate on Fran Lee's, no, it's not Fran Lee's, it's The Polonia. The Polonia in, uh, Bridesburg, that's where our family party used to be, we moved it.
44:34 H. Foley? Fran Lee's, Chinese?
44:36 Speaker 03 No.
44:36 H. Foley? Oh.
44:36 Speaker 03 Fran Lee's is the first, one of the first live comedy shows I saw, was a, was a, like a beef and beer kind of comedy show for someone's baseball team.
44:45 H. Foley? Remember the comics?
44:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:47 H. Foley? Do we know them?
44:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:48 H. Foley? No way, who was it?
44:50 Speaker 03 One guy's name was like Johnny the Attitude, he had like, wrote some jokes for Letterman.
44:54 H. Foley? Uh huh.
44:56 Speaker 03 And opened.
44:57 H. Foley? Yeah.
44:58 Speaker 03 Good buddy of ours.
44:59 H. Foley? Who?
44:59 Speaker 03 Richie Reddane.
45:00 H. Foley? No kidding?
45:01 Speaker 03 Uh huh. Bombed. Not in not.
45:04 H. Foley? Richie?
45:04 Speaker 03 Well, he killed with ours. It was all like.
45:06 H. Foley? Ah.
45:07 Speaker 03 Not for, it was a, it was a 100% hell gig.
45:10 H. Foley? Say Richie always kills.
45:11 Speaker 03 He did well with the few younger. Groups.
45:15 H. Foley? Gotcha.
45:15 Speaker 03 And we were like, we were so drunk and he's sober and we were like, you wanna go, we're going, we were going to Kavanaugh's River Deck. We're like, you wanna come hang with us? He's like, nah, I'm good, man.
45:23 H. Foley? By the way, I forgot to tell you, this is more hard feelings.
45:27 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
45:27 H. Foley? But, uh, somebody asked me.
45:30 Speaker 03 Oh boy. Does this have to do with me?
45:33 H. Foley? A little bit.
45:33 Speaker 03 Okay. I don't like this at all. I don't like this.
45:37 H. Foley? They wanted us to do. A comedy night. For, uh, a nonprofit.
45:44 Speaker 03 Okay, I'd be open to that. How nonprofit are we talking?
45:53 Speaker 03 How nonprofit? And where? Philadelphia area?
45:57 H. Foley? I believe so.
46:00 Speaker 03 Who, who do you know? This has to be, this has some sort of tax scam written all over it. What do you have on Polonia? You have the Polonia Hall?
46:08 Speaker 04 I have one in, uh, Bayonne, New Jersey.
46:11 Speaker 03 No.
46:12 Speaker 04 For 1400 on Fridays and 1700 on Saturdays.
46:16 H. Foley? That's a good deal. Does that come with food?
46:18 Speaker 04 Believe not.
46:19 Speaker 03 Damn. Polonia Hall, Philadelphia, over there on Belgrade Street. Hall Rentals Reviews.
46:25 Speaker 03 This place, it's got a, ah. This is like walking.
46:28 H. Foley? Smell it.
46:29 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's walking back into time, dude. It's, uh.
46:32 H. Foley? What's that bartender like?
46:33 Speaker 03 She's great. It's the same broad every year. We grease the shit out of her. This is it.
46:39 H. Foley? Those sodas are flat.
46:41 Speaker 03 Ah, they're out of two liters, I think.
46:43 H. Foley? Ah.
46:44 Speaker 03 Just like a fucking warm two liter getting dumped in there. It's a great hall. They got caterers in-house that they use sometimes. It's, it's exactly what you, they got the stage.
46:54 H. Foley? Chicken francese?
46:56 Speaker 03 Got it all, dog.
46:57 H. Foley? Salad?
46:57 Speaker 03 Raced potatoes, big thing of salad. The dinner, the dinner rolls in a basket with the cloth napkins kinda tipped over like they're spilling out.
47:05 H. Foley? Yeah.
47:06 Speaker 03 Like a cornucopia.
47:07 H. Foley? Classy.
47:08 Speaker 03 Just learned what that is.
47:09 H. Foley? You know, I know what a cornucopia is.
47:10 Speaker 03 I just said, I was like, I just learned.
47:12 H. Foley? I knew before.
47:16 Speaker 03 Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you want me to see? Um, alright, speaking, I mean, we're all, this is a very, uh, taxi, uh... What are we talking about? A charity-type thing here. This is from Joey Bag of Donuts, and Luke, you're gonna have to get eyes on this. "Am I garbage for mentioning the Bass Pro Shop tax scam whenever I can after learning of it?" Basically, they're considered a nonprofit because they conduct teaching within their stores.
47:45 H. Foley? Put the fucking pond in there! Damn it!
47:48 Speaker 03 So they're teaching, I guess, fishing? I don't know, but that can't be. Maybe the money... That can't make sense. The government's... You... I mean, the amount of money...
47:57 H. Foley? The "are you garbage" school of broadcasting.
48:01 Speaker 03 I think, I mean, we've joked about this, you gotta go religion.
48:05 Speaker 03 Also, I don't think our accountant would go for this at all.
48:07 H. Foley? No?
48:09 Speaker 03 I don't think, I mean, we don't make enough money.
48:11 Speaker 04 It's store by store, really.
48:13 Speaker 03 Really?
48:13 Speaker 04 So it's like, some stores are able to claim that they're a museum because they'll have displays of like, uh, certain wildlife and stuff like that.
48:21 Speaker 03 Rich guys do that with art.
48:22 Speaker 04 Yes.
48:23 H. Foley? Yes.
48:25 Speaker 03 And then you can write it off as a donation to their, on, uh, they did it on billions.
48:30 H. Foley? I could teach a podcast thing, couldn't I?
48:33 Speaker 03 I mean, I have, I could, I think.
48:35 H. Foley? No, not the business side, but I had a host.
48:38 Speaker 03 Sure.
48:39 H. Foley? Hey, everybody, all that stuff. Come up with your own catchphrase. Get these suckers...
48:44 Speaker 03 You'd be such a bitch, dude. You'd be like Gerald Lambo from fucking Good Will Hunting. "Is it about the Fields Medal?" It's always about the Fields Medal! Good lord! It would be, you'd be fucking Gerald Lambo, dude.
48:58 H. Foley? "I bet you won't have a drink with me tonight."
49:00 Speaker 03 Scarf on, hitting on all the trib.
49:01 H. Foley? I remember what a scumbag I thought he was when he did that, and I was, I was fucking, I don't know, 13 or 14. I was like, ew, dude, you're a teacher? "I bet you won't have a drink with me tonight." He was drinking like a glass of chamblin'.
49:12 Speaker 03 Gimlet or something like that, yeah.
49:13 H. Foley? Some fucking scumbag.
49:14 Speaker 03 A glass of shemay. Hey, fuck him. Why don't you come over here? I'll fucking twist your head off.
49:19 H. Foley? Fucking dirtball.
49:20 Speaker 03 Oh, you smashed my tooth on the mic. I thought it fell out for a second. That scared the shit out of me, dude. Sorry, I don't like breaking the fourth wall. That really scared me.
49:29 H. Foley? Well, that'd be my first lesson in the school. Don't bang your teeth on the thing. Never put your tongue on the microphone.
49:36 Speaker 03 You just did it.
49:37 H. Foley? No, I didn't.
49:40 H. Foley? Ooh, tastes like metal.
49:41 Speaker 03 Step number one: Get herpes.
49:44 H. Foley? Hey!
49:44 Speaker 03 What? You don't like the truth?
49:47 H. Foley? I don't have herpes. I get cold sores, dickhead. Just shut up.
49:52 Speaker 03 That's what you're saying to the class.
49:56 Speaker 03 Hey, Mr. Foley, what's that herpes on your face? It's not herpes. It's a cold sore, dickhead.
50:01 H. Foley? Then you won't have a drink with me tonight.
50:06 H. Foley? I'm wearing this.
50:06 Speaker 03 I cut myself shaving on my weener.
50:09 H. Foley? I don't have it on my weener, dickhead.
50:13 H. Foley? Got bit in the hand in a wrestling match.
50:17 H. Foley? Last summer at Fire Island.
50:20 Speaker 03 A trundle bed.
50:22 H. Foley? What's a trundle bed?
50:24 Speaker 03 You tell me.
50:26 H. Foley? I know what a Murphy bed is.
50:28 Speaker 03 That's when you have sex with a guy named Murphy in your bed.
50:32 Speaker 03 Yo, Murf!
50:34 H. Foley? How much of a loser must that guy have been?
50:36 Speaker 03 Who, you?
50:36 H. Foley? No, Murf. No, the guy that came up with the Murphy bed.
50:39 Speaker 03 He probably thought he was hot shit, dude. He comes over.
50:43 H. Foley? Hey, you flipping!
50:44 Speaker 03 No, you know it.
50:45 H. Foley? You're sleeping in the living room.
50:46 Speaker 03 You know you walked in and he had it up. It was like, yeah, this is just my entertainment center. Good news, and drops the bed on him. That make you ladies hot?
50:55 H. Foley? There's a broad in there.
50:59 H. Foley? That's 50's shit, though.
51:01 Speaker 03 A lot of New Yorkers do it, and I get it.
51:03 H. Foley? No.
51:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:05 H. Foley? If you got a Murphy bed, right in. To the H4 school broadcasting. Would you let me run a school?
51:11 Speaker 03 Separate entities. I'm not here.
51:14 H. Foley? Separate LLC.
51:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:15 H. Foley? But I need to do it here.
51:16 Speaker 03 Why?
51:17 H. Foley? I'll rent the space.
51:18 Speaker 03 Okay.
51:19 H. Foley? Franchise it.
51:20 Speaker 03 What? Did you franchise this?
51:26 H. Foley? Do you think I'd have some knowledge to teach anybody, Luke?
51:30 Speaker 03 I think you, I, compliment time, put your compliment hat on. What you have can't be taught and you don't know you have it.
51:39 H. Foley? I like that.
51:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:42 H. Foley? That was just enough to squash the idea.
51:46 Speaker 03 I agree.
51:46 H. Foley? Crisis averted.
51:48 Speaker 03 I will not freak out.
51:51 Speaker 03 You could teach it to the 55 and older community.
51:53 H. Foley? Oh, fuck. Yeah, those old bags probably all want to start podcasts, fucking yapping about this and that.
52:00 Speaker 03 That's what we do.
52:03 H. Foley? They probably want to do it for their grandkids and shit.
52:06 Speaker 03 That's pretty good. Hey, record this podcast and give it to the grandkids, them telling stories.
52:10 H. Foley? Yes.
52:10 Speaker 03 Cut that.
52:12 H. Foley? Yeah.
52:12 Speaker 03 That's my idea. You don't get it.
52:13 H. Foley? That was in Things You Do in Denver When You're Dead. That's just basically telling your life story so you could have it when you're dead and your grandkids want to know you. Got real dark in Things You Do in Denver when you're dead, though.
52:25 Speaker 03 Well, they will have that.
52:27 H. Foley? Yeah, the one guy was like, "Fuck these bitches."
52:29 Speaker 03 No, you're creating that right now.
52:31 H. Foley? What do you mean?
52:32 Speaker 03 Our kids, my kids, will know what we were up to.
52:37 Speaker 03 Do you think about that?
52:38 H. Foley? No.
52:38 Speaker 03 My kid's gonna look back at this. This is all, damn, I mean, I haven't really thought about that.
52:44 H. Foley? Don't start bitching up now.
52:46 Speaker 03 What?
52:46 H. Foley? Trying to present yourself like a decent citizen.
52:49 Speaker 03 Good lord, this man is large. And just start speaking like that. Hey, what's up, buddy? I'm sorry.
52:56 Speaker 04 Aw, man. That one's so sad. Hey, buddy, sorry we can't be here right now.
53:01 Speaker 03 If you're listening to this, I'm no longer here.
53:07 Speaker 03 Henry died years ago.
53:09 Speaker 04 It's always some, like, really hot dad, too, like, and he's, like, 35.
53:13 Speaker 03 If I'm gone, there's no way Henry's still here. Call Luke, for any father.
53:18 H. Foley? Tell your mom I'll be home later tonight.
53:21 Speaker 03 If you need any money, call Luke, rich ass motherfucker.
53:29 H. Foley? Something did happen. Would you want me to raise him?
53:34 Speaker 03 No.
53:36 H. Foley? Move out of the house at least.
53:37 Speaker 03 Give him the worst summer ever? Yeah, that's what he fucking needs.
53:41 Speaker 04 Toughen this get up.
53:43 H. Foley? I just got him digging holes in the backyard.
53:50 H. Foley? Your father was a frugal man. He never said, "Nothing, code, password, nothing."
53:55 Speaker 03 Safe. Any odd keys laying around.
54:03 Speaker 03 He mentioned safe deposit box. You're lifting up paintings off the wall.
54:09 H. Foley? He's like four years old.
54:14 Speaker 03 Now, let me know if you're banging a wall. Let me know if you hear any dead spots. Yeah, there it is. Stomping on the floor.
54:21 H. Foley? I never know what to listen for with that.
54:23 Speaker 03 No.
54:23 H. Foley? I don't know what it is.
54:25 Speaker 03 I think a change.
54:26 H. Foley? But I could never tell.
54:28 Speaker 03 I mean, are you really doing this?
54:29 H. Foley? I've done it. Just like hang a picture.
54:31 Speaker 03 Oh, you're looking, yeah.
54:32 H. Foley? I don't know what it is, though.
54:34 Speaker 03 Well, drywall sounds different than when you get to a stud.
54:36 H. Foley? Yeah, but I don't know which one's which.
54:38 Speaker 03 I get that. I'm telling you what.
54:39 H. Foley? And I've always fucked up the walls.
54:42 Speaker 03 Hammer goes right through.
54:43 H. Foley? Right through, man. I got shit hanging in the apartment now that like, if it ever fell on me, it'd kill me. They'd find me in like two weeks.
54:51 Speaker 03 Murphy bed.
54:54 H. Foley? Like this heavy ass fucking, like dual picture thing. You know, like it's popular now to put, like instead of just having the picture, it's three fucking things. Like a triptych. You know what a triptych is? Do you know what a triptych is?
55:07 Speaker 03 You know what a small dick is.
55:11 H. Foley? Amen, sister. Goddamn right I do.
55:19 H. Foley? What is the thing I pee with, Alex?
55:22 Speaker 03 I got one on me. Keep that thing on me.
55:25 H. Foley? Think about a daily double, huh? No? If this thing fell on me, it'd fucking crack my head open.
55:34 Speaker 03 You standing there waiting, don't you? Just fucking do me the favor. You're banging on a wall, waiting for a fuck. Hoping for an earthquake.
55:44 H. Foley? Always. I'm always hoping for something like that.
55:49 Speaker 03 Oh, fuck me. Um, alright, let's see. This one is, uh, he on the toilet. Are you garbage if you hit your vape through your nose to avoid getting a dry socket after a tooth extraction?
56:00 H. Foley? Goooood!
56:01 Speaker 03 I also like how he called it a tooth extraction. Buddy, you haven't earned tooth extraction.
56:06 H. Foley? You got that shit pulled.
56:07 Speaker 03 You got that shit pulled, dude. Fuck that.
56:09 H. Foley? And extraction is what they do to Navy SEALs on a fucking cliff top in Afghanistan.
56:14 Speaker 03 You're not hitting your fucking, what are your milk bar through your nose.
56:17 H. Foley? You couldn't afford a root canal.
56:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
56:19 H. Foley? Been there, done that. I'm about to have something extracted pretty soon.
56:23 Speaker 03 Uh-huh.
56:24 H. Foley? I got a fault line going in a tooth.
56:26 Speaker 03 Gildo from your butt?
56:27 H. Foley? Why would I want that out?
56:29 Speaker 03 Stuck, I don't know.
56:30 H. Foley? Um, yeah, I got a crack in my tooth. I think it's from just stress from fucking biting, yeah. It's like a proper crack, a fault line.
56:40 H. Foley? And sometimes when I suck on it, I can like taste. The bacteria.
56:44 Speaker 03 Cute. Hot girl summer. You sting, dude. Go get your shit fixed. Get you new chompers.
56:51 H. Foley? I don't like Dennis. I don't trust Dennis. I don't know why.
56:57 Speaker 03 I was watching, some, sometimes-
56:58 H. Foley? It's very intimate. Anything else, I'm cool with. At Mount Sinai, I don't have no Dennis.
57:06 Speaker 03 The hospital?
57:07 H. Foley? Yeah, how come Dennis aren't- Why aren't Dennis associated with the hospital?
57:12 Speaker 03 They're quacks. What do you mean?
57:13 H. Foley? It's always- Fuck that. You still have a private practice.
57:17 Speaker 03 You want an orthodont- I know a good orthodontist.
57:19 H. Foley? What am I, getting braces?
57:20 Speaker 03 You need some. Start just to get-
57:22 H. Foley? I just, I need a cleaning-
57:23 Speaker 03 Just get a start.
57:24 H. Foley? I just need a- not like an orthodontist, I need a cleaning and to have this looked at.
57:29 Speaker 03 I like how you like cleaning and this look, you really lump that in like that's part of the cleaning.
57:33 H. Foley? Plus, I like to go in with that sharp thing.
57:35 Speaker 03 Your Grand Canyon tooth you got cooking out there. Fucking Yellowstone mouth.
57:43 H. Foley? Like a buffalo running around?
57:45 Speaker 03 Yikes.
57:46 H. Foley? People always get too close to them. It's crazy.
57:49 Speaker 03 I mean...
57:50 H. Foley? Stupid.
57:51 Speaker 03 Do you know what it would have to take for me to get got by something that big? I don't tr- I don't trust-
57:56 H. Foley? What would it take to get me to Yellowstone?
57:57 Speaker 03 Me and my wife-
57:58 H. Foley? Kevin Costner, that'd be it.
58:00 Speaker 03 My wife wants to go to Montana. Which I would be open with.
58:03 H. Foley? I like Montana.
58:04 Speaker 03 Is that Yellowstone?
58:05 H. Foley? I dunno.
58:06 Speaker 03 Wyoming, I mean, it's the same thing.
58:07 H. Foley? The Big Blackfoot.
58:08 Speaker 04 The Dempsey's did it.
58:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
58:10 H. Foley? Oh, did they? Were you acquiring some land?
58:13 Speaker 04 No, it was a... I just watched like, Friends in my, in the cabin. Me and my brother shared a cabin, and I just watched like...
58:21 Speaker 04 Yeah, DVDs.
58:21 H. Foley? It's the one where Chandler does something. I want a sundae.
58:26 H. Foley? I don't like moose. Chocolate moose. You like chocolate moose?
58:29 Speaker 04 No.
58:30 H. Foley? Really?
58:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
58:32 H. Foley? Huh. That was the richest thing we could think of as a kid.
58:36 H. Foley? Ordering chocolate moose? Instead of pudding?
58:42 Speaker 03 I don't think the places we hung out at were serving moose.
58:45 H. Foley? Every once in a while, I'd get one. Little moose.
58:48 Speaker 03 I want a scoop of ice cream. Briers.
58:53 H. Foley? Scoop of chocolate.
58:54 Speaker 03 Um, this one's from Hoops. "Is it garbage if my buddy refers to his couch and ottoman as a sectional?" I respect it. Yeah, if you ain't fucking lying, you ain't trying, dog. That's like how you feel a little comf- you know, you're... You're keeping up appearances a little bit. It's a sectional to him.
59:11 H. Foley? Sure.
59:12 Speaker 03 There's two sections to that, to that chair.
59:14 H. Foley? I mean, if you have a big enough ottoman...
59:16 Speaker 03 Ottoman?
59:17 H. Foley? Whatever it's called.
59:18 Speaker 03 Uh huh, ottoman.
59:19 H. Foley? Ottoman.
59:20 Speaker 03 Like the empire.
59:21 H. Foley? Is it really?
59:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:22 H. Foley? Is that why they call it that?
59:23 Speaker 03 That's how they got all their money.
59:24 H. Foley? Shut up. I'm an idiot. It's ottoman.
59:28 Speaker 03 I think it's ottoman.
59:29 H. Foley? No.
59:31 Speaker 03 Okay.
59:32 H. Foley? Ottoman. An ottoman. What is it?
59:36 Speaker 03 He's looking. In the meantime, finish your thought. That real fucking school of broadcasting you got going on here. How to undercut a story.
59:43 H. Foley? I gotta show him what not to do.
59:46 H. Foley? What was I talking about?
59:48 Speaker 03 I don't know.
59:49 Speaker 04 Ottoman.
59:51 H. Foley? Who said that?
59:52 Speaker 04 Ottoman.
59:53 H. Foley? Ah.
59:54 Speaker 03 I think it's ottoman.
59:55 H. Foley? See?
59:55 Speaker 03 Ah. Ottoman.
59:57 H. Foley? So I'm right?
59:57 Speaker 03 No.
59:58 H. Foley? Yes!
1:00:00 Speaker 03 No.
1:00:00 H. Foley? You said ottoman.
1:00:02 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:00:02 H. Foley? No, hold on a second, hold on a second.
1:00:04 Speaker 04 I'm not doing this.
1:00:06 H. Foley? I said ottoman.
1:00:07 Speaker 04 No, you...
1:00:08 Speaker 03 It's ottoman.
1:00:10 Speaker 04 No. Now you've just, you flipped.
1:00:12 H. Foley? Say it.
1:00:13 Speaker 04 Ottoman.
1:00:15 H. Foley? Ottoman.
1:00:16 Speaker 03 No. Ottoman. It's O, it's O, isn't it OTT?
1:00:20 H. Foley? No, she's saying A. Say, do it, make her say it again.
1:00:22 Speaker 04 She's saying A.
1:00:23 Speaker 03 Oh.
1:00:23 H. Foley? Go ahead.
1:00:24 Speaker 04 Ottoman.
1:00:25 H. Foley? Yeah, ottoman.
1:00:26 Speaker 03 No, you're saying ottoman. Like auto. Like ottoman.
1:00:30 H. Foley? That's what she's saying. Ottoman.
1:00:33 Speaker 03 Oh my god, this is driving, I don't know, I don't know, we, first of all, the new information that's come into the conversation, we cannot agree on, and we all are taking different stance. Alright, this one's from Big Boy Hustle, first time $10 homie, never had one read. Is it garbage to hold your parents' steering wheel and drive while they light up a dart? Extra credit if it wasn't a dart but a pipe. Extra credit if it wasn't tobacco in there.
1:00:56 H. Foley? Hey, doing.
1:00:56 Speaker 03 That's, I mean, listen, I'm no fucking saint.
1:01:01 H. Foley? That was always big, though.
1:01:02 Speaker 03 I, I, holding my dad's steering wheel was, was big.
1:01:05 H. Foley? When you got the right to do that.
1:01:06 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:01:06 H. Foley? Hold the wheel for a second.
1:01:08 Speaker 03 It was always big if he had to get into his pocket.
1:01:12 Speaker 03 Cause he wore a tight set of dungarees. So he had to like, you know, do that. And like,
1:01:18 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:01:19 Speaker 03 Get in there. So I would, I would grab the wheel. I liked to grab, and he didn't need me to, but he'd be like, grab, you can, you know, you can grab the wheel.
1:01:25 H. Foley? Your brother did it first, though.
1:01:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, I was always in the back. Yeah, they were like, they might as well been like,
1:01:32 H. Foley? The same age?
1:01:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, the president and vice president, you know, I was just like, I was in the cabinet in the back, the dog. Fighting over begon strip. Uh, yeah, no, yeah, for sure, I was, I was in the back.
1:01:44 H. Foley? That was, that was a big brother thing. Gets to hold the wheel for my dad when he's lighting a heater or something like that.
1:01:52 H. Foley? Never a bowl, though, that's crazy.
1:01:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's, I mean,
1:01:55 H. Foley? The smoking weed in front of the kids.
1:01:58 Speaker 03 That's crazy to me, I didn't, I never understood, I come from like, you know, I have a big drinking family, which obviously is, you know, arguably worse than smoking weed day to day.
1:02:07 H. Foley? Yeah, when you look at it, it really is, it really was apples and oranges.
1:02:13 Speaker 03 What do you mean?
1:02:14 H. Foley? Like, I remember one buddy's dad smoked a lot, but he was a successful businessman. He was like very spiritual, you know what I mean?
1:02:24 Speaker 03 Fucking hippie.
1:02:25 H. Foley? He's hippie-ish.
1:02:26 Speaker 03 Draft dodger.
1:02:27 H. Foley? He's hippie-ish, not draft dodger, hippie-ish.
1:02:31 H. Foley? Never drank though, never, I never saw him drunk once. Never had beer in the house, never booze in the house. You over to my house? It's like a fucking, like it's 7-Eleven.
1:02:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:02:42 H. Foley? Going to that garage fridge.
1:02:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, I don't, uh, yeah, I don't, we never, I mean, I, I, my, you know, I would say my dad definitely experimented pretty heavily through the sixties and seventies, I presume, like most people.
1:02:58 H. Foley? Sure.
1:02:58 Speaker 03 Um, but then like that was like, I remember somebody accused him of smoking weed, he's like, that was fucking decades ago. Like he was, like it wasn't even like a lie. He was, this is the fuck he's always smoking weed. I haven't smoked weed since like your fucking, you know, 81 or something like that.
1:03:13 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
1:03:13 Speaker 03 Um, but the booze, it was just, to me, it was booze was so regular and weed was like, it's crazy you're smoking weed with your parents. To like, just in the world I, the perspective of it that I came up with.
1:03:29 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:03:29 Speaker 03 They, my family would be more likely to be like, oh, you're 15, grab a drink. Than like, you're 21, I'm gonna smoke a bowl with you.
1:03:35 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:03:36 Speaker 03 It's just like a little dirtier.
1:03:38 H. Foley? The way it smelled when you didn't know it, like when you weren't used to it. I remember smelling it at my grandmother's house when my cousin had bought the house. This is probably like 83, something like that. And like neighbors a couple of houses down were sparking one up.
1:03:54 Speaker 03 Uh-huh.
1:03:54 H. Foley? I remember being like, god damn, what the fuck is that? And how do I get my hands on it?
1:04:00 Speaker 03 And how do I let this ruin my life? I told you, we were like 16 or 17 at a friend's, at a girl's house and she was smoking weed in the basement with her family and I had beers in the trunk. I went up to get the beers. I was like, oh, we're fucking partying, you know what I mean? Like, we're vibing here.
1:04:17 H. Foley? Start taking the mom's bra off. There you go, honey.
1:04:23 Speaker 03 I come down with a blender.
1:04:26 Speaker 03 Pina coladas. And I remember being like, oh, I'm gonna drink.
1:04:30 H. Foley? You got a bowl, you dropping your keys in there?
1:04:33 Speaker 03 I'm passing it around, just my Lumina key.
1:04:38 Speaker 03 I remember they were, it was War Milwaukee's Best. Sweet.
1:04:43 Speaker 03 And I was like, "Yeah, we're vibing, like, we're partying." We'd go down in the basement. This is the first time I really hung out with like, there was like dudes there. Adults. Yeah, but like not cool adults. Like a guy, like guy on the couch type shit. Like, "Oh, that's Randy." He's not really the parents' age. He's older than the kids. If the parents are 55, and the kids are 18, he's like 32. It's like, where do you fit in here, Randy? Probably weird sex stuff. Whatever. I was like, "We're vibing, I'm gonna have a couple of pops, everybody's like..." When you say smoking weed with her parents, like... Like ripping bingers. Like passing around a zong. Clearing, you remember a zong? Of course. With her parents? Yeah. Not just Randy?
1:05:28 Speaker 03 No, dude, it was me, my two boys, Justin and Justin. Uh huh. This girl, Jean. Uh huh. Both are her parents, then these two dudes. In a basement. So I go, "Oh, I'm gonna..." Finished basement? Yeah, not great. Finished basement. Friday night, weeknight? We, a Friday night, or maybe the summer, but like, we're not, we don't, you know, it might have been, I was probably in high school. Alright.
1:06:00 Speaker 03 Me and my boy go out to smoke a heater, because there's no heaters in the house, I respect that. Yeah. Smoking your zong. And, I get up, so I go, "Oh, I got fucking, I got 12 pack in the trunk." You know what I mean? I used to come correct back in the day. I'd grab my beers. Throw them on ice in the house. Yeah, whatever, I might probably throw them in the fridge upstairs. Fucking smoking weed with a parent, I'll do whatever the fuck I want, lady. Go start going through your underwear drawer.
1:06:27 Speaker 03 Call 911 right now. Yeah, what the fuck, lady? Blow this whole thing up. So I come down, I, dude, I walk down this, I walk down the stairs, like, I'm fucking, I'm the king of the fucking castle. You're warm beer? Crack a beer, "Yeah, you done." She's like... We cannot allow that at this house. I said, "Lady, you're high on drugs right now." I'm out taking a hedge off with a beer.
1:06:49 H. Foley? I mean, you got my money taped to your tits right now.
1:06:51 Speaker 03 With all due respect, you fucking work for me. You know what I mean?
1:06:53 H. Foley? What the fuck?
1:06:54 Speaker 03 Yeah. And made me feel like the fucking... I bounced. I said, "I'm gonna go smoke another cig." Woo! Fucking dusted my...
1:07:02 H. Foley? So I drove home drunk?
1:07:03 Speaker 03 I fucking dusted my boys. I said, "You find over there..." She ain't gonna fuck either one of ya. I was here, 'cause I had nothing else to do. They were both trying to fuck her.
1:07:11 H. Foley? The mom?
1:07:12 Speaker 03 No, the girl. We were friends with a girl. She went to another school or something.
1:07:17 H. Foley? Oh, okay.
1:07:18 Speaker 03 I think we worked with her. I forget how the fuck we knew her. I wasn't... I walk into this fucking hippie house. I'm like, "You might as well be hanging out with Jerry Garcia."
1:07:27 Speaker 03 Fuck that. I said, "My mom would call the police right now if she knew I was smoking fucking..." And I didn't even smoke weed.
1:07:37 Speaker 03 I'm trying to... We're all vibing.
1:07:38 H. Foley? You might as well be doing heroin, lady.
1:07:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:07:40 H. Foley? You're smoking bongs?
1:07:41 Speaker 03 You're a mom, fucking pulling a fucking cap out and clearing a zong. And you're... You got the...
1:07:47 H. Foley? I come down with a glass of Zong, you're a blunt. You treat me like I'm a criminal?
1:07:53 Speaker 03 Well, I felt... I felt judged, and I didn't like it. And I wanted to be like, "Lady, this ain't even decriminalized yet."
1:08:02 Speaker 03 At no age are you allowed to... Let alone with children.
1:08:05 H. Foley? And who the fuck are these two?
1:08:07 Speaker 03 Fuck's fucking Randy and One Eye Jack over here? We gotta wrap it up.
1:08:11 H. Foley? Oh, my God.
1:08:13 Speaker 03 What a fun one.
1:08:13 H. Foley? Gang, we love you to death.
1:08:15 Speaker 03 Uh-huh.
1:08:15 H. Foley? Grab your tickets, come see us December 13th.
1:08:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:08:18 H. Foley? Couple days away.
1:08:19 Speaker 03 Couple days away.
1:08:20 H. Foley? We love ya.
1:08:21 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:08:21 H. Foley? What else?
1:08:22 Speaker 03 We got t-shirts on sale.
1:08:24 H. Foley? Got tees!
1:08:25 Speaker 03 Card game. Yeah, we're clearing out the store. We're making room for a lot of new merch coming in early in the next year. So, uh, we fucking love yous, and we appreciate all the support. Army of Garbage is the best.
1:08:36 H. Foley? Sign up for the H. Foley School of Broadcasting at hfolieschoolofbroadcasting.com.
1:08:40 Speaker 03 Owned by KevinRyanIndustries.net.
1:08:42 H. Foley? Coming soon.
1:08:43 Speaker 03 Peace.
1:08:43 H. Foley? See you next week.
Previous Insane Clown Posse! Next Soda for Breakfast!? w/ Stavros Halkias Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated