Pod Insights All In The Mind Depersonalisation — when nothing feels real About this episode Have you ever felt like things were not quite real?
That you were no longer connected to your body or didn’t know who you were?
Nathan Dunne felt this way for years. And it’s never quite stopped affecting the way he sees himself or the world around him.
Today, depersonalisation disorder — and what we know about its symptoms, causes and treatments.
And a heads up, this episode discusses heavy topics such as suicide. Please take care while listening.
You can catch up on more episodes of the All in the Mind podcast with journalist and presenter Sana Qadar, exploring the psychology of topics like stress, memory, communication and relationships on the ABC Listen app (Australia) or wherever you get your podcasts.
Guests:
Nathan DunneAuthor, When Nothing Feels Real https://www.nathandunne.com/
Dr Emma CernisClinical psychologist and researcherAssisant Professor of Clinical PsychologyUniversity of BirminghamCentre Lead, Midlands Dissociation & Depersonalisation Centre
Credits:
Presenter/Producer: Sana QadarReporter/Senior Producer: James BullenProducer: Rose KerrSound Engineer: Tegan NichollsIf you enjoyed this episode, you might like:
Can we trust our memories? https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/allinthemind/can-we-trust-our-memories/104352878Memory loss and identity https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/allinthemind/memory-loss-and-identity/10119238Dissociation and coping with trauma https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/allinthemind/dissociation-and-coping-with-trauma/8290294Depersonalisation — when Nathan lost his sense of self and nothing felt real https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/conversations/nathan-dunne-depersonalisation-mental-health-recovery/105350622 (Conversations)More Information:
When Nothing Feels Real - Nathan Dunne https://www.murdochbooks.com/browse/book/Nathan-Dunne-When-Nothing-Feels-Real-9781761500770Unreal: Depersonalisation and Derealisation Support https://www.unrealcharity.com/Like being trapped behind a pane of glass – depersonalisation, derealisation disorder explained (The Conversation, 2025) https://theconversation.com/like-being-trapped-behind-a-pane-of-glass-depersonalisation-derealisation-disorder-explained-247253Depersonalisation-derealisation as a transdiagnostic treatment target: a scoping review of the evidence in anxiety, depression, and psychosis (Frontiers in Psychology, 2025) https://europepmc.org/article/MED/40309203The Prevalence of Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder: A Systematic Review (Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 2023) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35699456/Support resources:
Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/Beyond Blue https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 ABC Listen, podcasts, radio, news, music and more.
0:08 Speaker 00 Hello there, I'm Mark Fidell and if you're tired of history podcasts that just drone on for hours and hours and hours and you just want something a bit different, well, check out No One Saw It Coming. Each week we hunt for the crucial moments, the inventions, the people, the stuff-ups even, that changed the world that you did not learn about at school. Like, did you know that the treadmill was actually invented as a torture device? Kind of tracks though, right? Listen now on Radio National and the ABC Listen app.
0:37 Speaker 01 This episode contains discussion of suicide. Take care while listening.
0:48 Speaker 02 I was living in London in 2008 and I was a student and I was in this brand new relationship with this completely enchanting woman called Maria. And in a fit of spontaneity and real excitement, we decided to go for this midnight swim. So we jumped on our bikes and the spot of water that was close by was in Hampstead.
1:14 Speaker 02 Something happened to me during that swim, which I've been trying to work out ever since really. It's taken a couple of decades, but really that moment, that particular onset was when, it's not hyperbole to say that my life really changed forever. There's like a before and after that moment.
1:37 Speaker 02 What happened was I had a severe out of body experience. It was incredibly traumatic. I had no idea what was happening. I completely lost my sense of self, my identity, didn't recognise objects or the landscape around me as the same as before. Reality completely changed, reality came into question and my life really collapsed afterwards, honestly.
2:08 Speaker 01 Have you ever felt like things were not quite real? That you were separated from your body, outside yourself? Like you didn't know who you were? Maybe it was a fleeting feeling lasting hours or even days. But what if that feeling went on for longer? For months or even years?
2:32 Speaker 02 I had no idea that people like myself are caught in limbo with misdiagnoses for years and sometimes decades.
2:40 Speaker 01 And what if the very nature of these feelings made recovery a very steep trek uphill?
2:47 Speaker 03 It's really disabling. I think people really struggle with feeling connected to the experiences that they're having in life, and that's pervasive. So that affects their relationships, that affects their enjoyment of life, that affects their pastimes, their work, their education.
3:05 Speaker 02 The last thing that I want to do is surrender to this illness. I want to... The instinct is to fight. You know, I want to fight this, but I have no energy left. I don't know how to fight anymore.
3:17 Speaker 01 This is All in the Mind. I'm Sana Qadar, and today we're covering a disorder called depersonalization. Senior producer James Bullen is reporting this one. Hi, James.
3:28 Speaker 04 Hey, Sana.
3:29 Speaker 01 What are we going to hear today?
3:30 Speaker 04 So today, we're going to hear the story of one man, Nathan Dunn, and his experience with this disorder. Its full name is depersonalization derealization disorder.
3:40 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:40 Speaker 04 But most commonly, people just call it depersonalization.
3:43 Speaker 01 Right.
3:44 Speaker 04 And the most current scientific research says that about 1% of the population experience this disorder.
3:51 Speaker 01 Oh, right. That's similar to schizophrenia, isn't it? Like, that's about 1% of the population?
3:55 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, it's about the same. And that's probably a bit shocking to hear for some people. But what they think is that it's often misdiagnosed or missed, and that means that a lot of cases of this go unreported or unnoticed.
4:09 Speaker 01 Okay, yeah, I don't think I've heard much about depersonalization before. Sounds fascinating.
4:13 Speaker 04 Yeah. Nathan published a book really recently about his experiences with it. So we're going to hear from him about some of his journey, and then we're also going to hear from a researcher about the symptoms, the causes, and the treatments for depersonalization.
4:29 Speaker 01 All right, let's get into it.
4:32 Speaker 02 There was an incredibly strong physical sensation, heart palpitations, muscle palpitations. But the strongest and most overwhelming sense that I had was that something was being removed from me, some piece of me was being vacated. And the way that manifested in terms of my perception and my experience was that I was able to look at myself on the bank. So I was a spectator of the event rather than a participant in the event. And that's incredibly terrifying because at once you feel like,
5:17 Speaker 02 am I having a stroke, am I dying?
5:21 Speaker 02 But it was just as though everything of which I understood about reality and the way that I saw it visually and in a tactile manner, that completely shifted. There's really two components. One is this incredibly strong physical sensation, but that is then overridden by the fact that my knowledge and understanding of a reality completely changed, like in a moment, like, like a switch being flipped.
5:52 Speaker 04 In that early morning light up on Hampstead Heath, Nathan's life changed. There was a clear, obvious split before that moment and after it. And in the days following, this split, this distortion of his sense of self, it didn't diminish. It got stronger.
6:12 Speaker 02 I experienced an incredibly sharp decline in my mental health, my understanding of the world, this perception shift of reality and everything. That was exacerbated in the domestic environment at home, back in my flat. So I kept asking myself, and Maria, who am I, where am I? And she had to leave for work. I mean, we had everyday lives to get on with. I was meant to be at the library, reading, taking notes, sharpening my pencils.
6:40 Speaker 04 When Nathan says the decline was incredibly sharp, he means it. Soon after that night at Hampstead Heath, he would try to take his own life.
6:49 Speaker 02 There was a moment where I felt like... I was very quickly moving towards the end of my life. So I felt like, because this sense that I had of being outside of myself was as if I was not my own actor. When I came to the point where I decided to end my life, then it was though the decision had already been predetermined. Like, it wasn't as though I was making it. It just seemed like the next inevitable step. So it was a very extreme moment, the darkest or lowest point in my life, really. But it was as though I myself was not present.
7:34 Speaker 02 It was as though I was just going through the motions as though a robot would dictate the next, you know, series of minutes, hours. And so what happened is I found myself in hospital after this attempt. And they were as bewildered as I was, the clinical staff. And I underwent, you know, a series of tests. And there was no particular clarity that came with looking at the MRI or other scans and other kind of basic tests.
8:09 Speaker 04 In the weeks after this first batch of tests, Nathan would create a document he called the possibles, listing all of the possible conditions that might be causing these bizarre symptoms.
8:21 Speaker 02 Initially, I thought that there must be some kind of extreme mental illness, like I was having some kind of psychotic episode or some kind of bipolar disorder or something. And then it became all of these lesser known and obscure illnesses. I really went down a real rabbit hole. I was so in need, in real dire need, of clarity and understanding.
8:48 Speaker 04 We've all Googled symptoms before, but this was 2008. The internet was a little less comprehensive and the same goes for the research literature around this condition. It didn't click for Nathan that depersonalization could be a possible diagnosis.
9:05 Speaker 04 He would visit one doctor, then another, then another. Most commonly, they would say he had anxiety or depression, and so he'd be treated for those conditions.
9:16 Speaker 02 So I was told very simply that it would be quickly cured, it would be all over with if I took these blue pills. Initially, I was very excited. I really did think that I had presented well, I had articulated myself, even ham-fistedly, and then I was going to get the help that I needed. I mean, the question seemed almost rhetorical, like, here I am, this is my problem. Okay, you're a doctor, you will tell me what's wrong with me. And then ergo, we progress to the next stage. I had no idea people like myself are caught in limbo with misdiagnosis for years and sometimes decades.
10:01 Speaker 03 Whenever I speak to people with depersonalisation, they have always had another label beforehand, or they get very frustrated. They're trying to describe this sensation and people keep jumping to conclusions and saying, oh, okay, well, that's depression. I think in particular, things like feeling numb, feeling detached, that does sound a lot like depression. I think it takes a lot of curiosity and kind of maybe some precise questions on the clinician's part to really tease that apart.
10:29 Speaker 04 Dr Emma Chernus is an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the University of Birmingham in the United Kingdom.
10:36 Speaker 03 And I think that's why often people sort of give up trying to describe it because they get frustrated that they're trying to get across this very difficult to describe feeling. They feel like they're being brushed aside with, oh, that's just anxiety, that's just depression, when it feels a lot different to that.
10:51 Speaker 04 So if depersonalisation disorder isn't anxiety or depression,
10:57 Speaker 04 What is it?
10:57 Speaker 03 It's an experience that's really hard to put into words. So the way that we try to define depersonalisation is that it's an experience where it's a group of experiences where people don't feel quite right in themselves in terms of feeling disconnected, detached, unreal, strange. And what we mean by that is in relation to either their physical body or even kind of a bit more abstractly, their sense of self, their identity. People use a lot of metaphors to try and describe it. So they might talk about feeling like they're stuck in a dream or feeling like they're trapped in a bubble.
11:38 Speaker 03 So really, we're talking about this disconnection or separation feeling from all of the things that make us kind of who we are.
11:46 Speaker 04 You might recognise this feeling in yourself because short spells of depersonalisation aren't uncommon. You might have experienced symptoms as a result of anxiety or depression or witnessing a traumatic event.
12:00 Speaker 03 It is a very normal thing for our brains to do. I think it can be a bit confusing and a bit bewildering at first because we don't really talk about it that much. We talk about anxiety and things like that a lot more. But over seventy percent of people will experience depersonalisation at some point in their life. And that's not to say it will be a depersonalisation disorder, but that it's one of those experiences that is quite common.
12:23 Speaker 04 What distinguishes Nathan's experience and that of other people with depersonalisation disorder is the length and severity of these symptoms of dissociation. They occur again and again and they're harmful to the person's psychological health. Emma Chernus says there are a few different ideas about what causes depersonalisation disorder.
12:47 Speaker 03 What I see the most is chronic stress. People have got lots of things going on in their lives and each one of those individually probably isn't that alarming or distressing, but it's the combination of having so many things to deal with for so long. And then the other really common thing that people talk about with depersonalisation is perhaps using cannabis or other kind of street drugs that might also then result in them feeling very detached and very depersonalised. And it's quite a common pattern that people then talk about that sticking around or becoming a sort of episodic type presentation.
13:24 Speaker 04 Some people listening might wonder what differentiates depersonalisation from psychosis, say, or mania. What makes this different?
13:36 Speaker 03 I think one of the key differences between depersonalisation and psychosis or schizophrenia is what we would call the insight. So clinicians talk about insight, which basically means do you have an awareness that the experiences you're having might be a mental health difficulty or due to stress or due to trauma? Like, do you understand where it's coming from? And you can see that there's something different happening from your kind of normal way of being. And in depersonalisation, that's absolutely the case. People are very aware that the experiences they're having are the way that they are experiencing things. It's the way that they're seeing things. It's not that the world has actually changed, actually
14:18 Speaker 03 become two-dimensional. They're not actually detached from their body. It just feels that way. So that level of insight is something that might be compromised or even completely missing in psychosis, where people might be more likely to believe that the world is a simulation or something, for example.
14:40 Speaker 01 I'm Sana Qadar. This is All in the Mind. And today, we're looking at a disorder called depersonalisation. So, James, coming back to Nathan Dunn's story, he's been searching for what is happening to him. He can't make sense of it. What happens next?
14:55 Speaker 04 What happens next is something that often happens with people who have a severe depersonalisation disorder, and that is relationship breakdown. Because until this point, he had been with Maria, the woman he took that midnight swim with
15:08 Speaker 01 Right.
15:09 Speaker 04 up until now. We're going to hear what happens next.
15:14 Speaker 02 It was very difficult to articulate even to myself what was happening, let alone within the flat when you're preparing, you know, penne pasta or something, trying to say to your partner, "Look, I don't feel like myself. I don't even feel like I'm here. I feel like I'm somewhat invisible." These are very abstract and philosophical notions, but at the time were very strongly felt by myself. And so Maria basically just left. She just said, "Oh, look, I can't cope." And after that relationship broke down, I spent at least 18 months, if not longer, trying to recover the relationship. It was a longing not only for this intense early love
15:59 Speaker 02 that we were experiencing, but also a real quest to get back to myself, to really find my way back to the before time, to before this happened, before this midnight swim, before the onset of this illness. But yeah, I found myself completely alone.
16:20 Speaker 04 That marked several years in Nathan's life where he felt disconnected and divorced from reality. There were good days and bad days, but on the whole, things got pretty bad. But it was a trip back to Sydney that set Nathan on the path to recovery.
16:39 Speaker 02 I came back to Sydney and I saw Dr. C. And he had a background in treating depersonalized patients and also in obsessive compulsive disorder. He kind of was able to read my medical history, hear my patient testimony, and then very quickly recognize that as part of the patients that he'd treated in the past. And so that was a truly illuminating moment. But...
17:15 Speaker 02 I was also skeptical at first because as soon as he said the word for the first time depersonalisation, it sounded so right on to me. It sounded like here we have this kind of golden name of diagnosis. And yet, because of the multiple misdiagnosis I'd had in England, I was very wary of believing that this was gonna, you know, solve all my problems. And so with Dr C, he outlined this treatment plan and I was completely on board with it, but I did kind of tread cautiously in terms of my hope.
17:56 Speaker 04 There were a few different treatments he tried. One is called exposure and response prevention, ERP.
18:03 Speaker 02 It's basically like an exposure response where typically if, say, a patient has a fear of being contaminated by dirt or by excrement, for example, as strange as it might sound to people who don't have this kind of illness, the treatment is, say, you have a tissue, you fold a piece of dirt up in the tissue and you carry a tiny piece of it with you around. So it's this very slow exposure to the fear of the patient that does, so it doesn't, there's no flood of symptoms. And so for me, it was obviously water. And so the initial prescription was to have a piece of cloth, to wet this cloth
18:47 Speaker 02 and to wrap it around my hands. And just, just for at certain times of day and then to use what's called a Stebs diary to record my emotions and the level of which my symptoms would become exacerbated.
19:02 Speaker 04 That helped a bit, but the one that really changed things for Nathan was something called repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation, RTMS.
19:12 Speaker 02 And basically what that means is that a doctor and a technician is able to locate areas of the brain which have been identified as dysfunctional.
19:22 Speaker 02 Over a series of treatments, there are these very low magnetic pulses, which are performed on these areas which have been identified. RTMS, this magnetic stimulation, in a way, in a colloquial way of describing it would be to say that it kind of attempts to wake them up to their baseline.
19:42 Speaker 03 I think what we're beginning to understand is that there's an area at the front of the brain, sort of near your forehead, called the prefrontal cortex, and that is the control room of the brain. And it makes those higher level decisions about what's important, what to prioritise, how to respond.
19:57 Speaker 04 Dr Emma Chernus again, who researches and treats depersonalisation disorder and dissociation more broadly.
20:05 Speaker 03 But we've also got these really deep kind of areas of the brain that are much more involved with survival. And they just respond and get us into safety if we need to be in safety. What we're beginning to understand about dissociation is that what might happen is that those deep areas of the brain about thinking about survival, respond to something, they're on alarm, they're on alert. They're trying to tell us to do the fight or flight response. They're raising our anxiety levels to get us to move and do something. But the prefrontal cortex pours cold water over everything essentially, and squashes down all of those sensations and impulses and urges. And what we think in dissociation is that maybe the prefrontal cortex is doing
20:48 Speaker 03 too good a job at toning all of that alert system down. So that can end up making people feel very numb and understimulated, as opposed to sort of anxiety where we might be feeling overstimulated.
21:01 Speaker 04 Emma says research into depersonalisation disorder has focused on treatments grounded in talking therapies. So treatments like cognitive behavioural therapy, where you talk through some of your problems and attempt to reframe your thinking.
21:18 Speaker 03 I'm working with a team in UCL to help develop a very specific targeted form of cognitive behavioural therapy which will help with depersonalisation disorder. And that is one of the few research teams, I think globally, that is working on a treatment for this. But I think the important thing for clinicians to realise is that they can still work with depersonalisation disorder without having specific treatments at hand. So there's a lot of very helpful strategies that help with anxiety, for example, that would be very, very helpful for people experiencing depersonalisation.
21:54 Speaker 04 Emma says the RTMS that Nathan got is still not fully proven as an approach, but anecdotal evidence suggests that it can be helpful.
22:03 Speaker 03 It's an innovative approach. I think it's, the evidence base for it is still building, but a lot of people who've had it say that it's been really helpful. So it seems really promising. I think because the evidence base is still building, it's not widely available everywhere. More research is needed to just double check that it is as good as it seems to be. And it's certainly, like any treatment, it's going to work better for some people than others. So it's not a sort of magic bullet in any way.
22:32 Speaker 04 Nathan's symptoms of depersonalisation under these treatments started to lessen after about four weeks. It took six months for them to really meaningfully reduce.
22:43 Speaker 02 One morning I was with my mother, who I was staying in the garage in Sydney. I was incredibly low point. I really was very isolated. I didn't have any friends, et cetera. But it was one morning over, you know, a simple splashing of milk, you know, with some cereal in the bowl. I just, I told my mother, I really feel as though I'm becoming myself again. And that was an incredibly ordinary domestic moment, but it was when I really began to feel as though the world was becoming more illuminated again.
23:16 Speaker 04 You write in the book about recovery, the possibility of recovery. Can you tell me a bit about how you think about that and kind of perhaps?
23:26 Speaker 04 Where you're at now?
23:27 Speaker 02 The way that you think about your experience in the world has to change. At least that was my case. And so one of the things that I became incredibly frustrated with and that I heard all the time was this acceptance, acceptance and commitment therapy. Oh, you have to radically accept. I could not relate to any of that. That did not help me at all. I became, uh, I had such pushback when it came, came to framing what I was experiencing in those terms. And I resisted that idea of looking at, of it in that way for so long, because the last thing that I want to do is surrender to this illness. I want to, the instinct is to fight.
24:11 Speaker 02 You know, I want to fight this, but I have no energy left. I don't know how to fight anymore. And when you're really at the baseline, when you're far below the base, when you've fallen right to the bottom and you can't fight anymore, then I, I can't accept this. I don't want to accept this. It's more surrendering to it was a portal to the real acceptance that I was being told about. So lying down in the fit of the storm is, is, is a way that I often think about it. When the symptoms are their most extreme and they're most distressing and you feel like there's really kind of no hope, nowhere to turn, as though, you know, this better
24:52 Speaker 02 health that you've experienced is again regressed, then it is surrender most that I, that I relate to. And for those who know anything about chronic illness, this is the experience of it. This pattern, this oscillation is, is what makes for a chronic illness, which embeds itself in your life.
25:20 Speaker 02 Because I had this very extraordinary experience, as I've said, after midnight, in the middle of winter, it was so freezing cold, and then I completely lost my sense of self and my identity afterwards. It was so intrinsically tied to this experience of water that even when I was in a car or on a bus, on a train, and I would go past a body of water, it would begin to trigger symptoms in me. The feeling of being outside myself would become more extreme. I would move further away from myself. I would begin to see myself becoming smaller and smaller,
26:04 Speaker 02 kind of on the street. And so washing my hands is a very simple task. Having a bath, having a shower, these were incredibly ordinary, everyday things which became very distressing because they took me back to this initial kind of traumatic event. And so wrapping a cloth around the palms of my hands and my wrists as an initial form of exposure was very difficult. But over time, it was as though I was able to sit with it and I was able slowly, very slowly, to get used to it in a way.
26:49 Speaker 02 So water was... I mean, to this day, I kind of fear it in a way, but I fear it at a kind of core place in my memory rather than water itself. I am able to swim now, take showers, etc. But it was only years later, in the final stage of my treatment, where I was able to return to that place in Hampstead and swim again after so many years of difficulty and groping for answers, and be able to swim again and...
27:27 Speaker 02 Feel much more like myself, like I was coming back to this self that was vacated, this kind of split sense of self that I had, that was so profound, so pronounced, was finally beginning to cohere again. Water has played such a profound, like a seismic shift in the before and after of my life, but my wife and I recently became parents to a baby girl and I have such a longing to be able to, she's still only a few weeks old, but to be able to take her to the beach, you know, such a very Australian thing to
28:09 Speaker 02 do. I mean, it's winter now, but in these summer months that are ahead, it will mean so much for me to be able to do that and to be immersed in that saltwater too. So I've come to see water as a very powerful thing, but an element of incredible beauty.
28:34 Speaker 01 That is Nathan Dunn. His book is called When Nothing Feels Real: A Journey Into The Mystery Illness Of Depersonalisation. You also heard from Dr Emma Chernus, Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Birmingham. And if you want to hear more of Nathan's story, he did a full interview with Richard Fidler over on Conversations. You can find that on the ABC Listen app. This episode of All in the Mind was reported by senior producer James Bullen. Thanks also to producer Rose Kerr and sound engineer Tegan Nicholls. I'm Sana Qadar. Thank you for listening. I will catch you next time.
29:27 Speaker 05 Hello, Lisa Leong here from This Working Life. Have you ever experienced grief at work? Here's what happened to one woman when she went back to the office after losing a loved one.
29:38 Speaker 06 Someone else was standing in front of them talking and they literally could not make meaning out of the words being said.
29:46 Speaker 05 Grief can be debilitating, but there are lots of ways to help. We've made two episodes about grief at work. You can find them by following This Working Life on the ABC Listen app.
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