The Sebastian Maniscalco SiriusXM Drama | 2 Bears, 1 Cave | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

SPONSORS: If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Aligning for the Agentic Era: How AI Is Changing Everyday Work, at https://netsuite.com/BEARS. Start your free online visit today at http://hims.com/bears for personalized care-from hair to ED to weight loss and more. Thanks to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring today’s episode! Get The Lawn Mower® Ultra Gen 6 for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code BEARS at https://Manscaped.com! Sign up for your free Shopify trial at https://shopify.com/bears This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from the road, with Tom in Atlanta and Bert in Philly on his Permission to Party World Tour. The Bears debate whether they'll watch the Pentagon's livestreamed firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, then dig into the SiriusXM Raw Dog Radio shakeup that had comics coming after Sebastian Maniscalco, and how one video turned into Bert starting a comedians union (Leanne is handling it). From there, Bert swears he'll die with his beard, finally tells Tom about the shot in Bad Thoughts season two he can't believe made the cut, and gets fired up over hood horse racing in Mississippi. Plus: Mike Ditka's one-take steakhouse commercial, Michael Jordan finding his lost championship rings in a forgotten safe, Chamillionaire's $25,000 autograph, Barry Sanders and The Fridge, and Tom getting pitched hair transplants. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 343 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:15 - Should You Watch The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution? 00:12:14 - Black Horse Racing & Sprinting On A Horse 00:19:31 - Bert Will Die With This Beard & The Bad Thoughts Shot 00:24:52 - SiriusXM, Raw Dog Radio, & The Sebastian Maniscalco Backlash 00:35:19 - Bert's Comedians Union 00:41:25 - Spam Calls & Mike Ditka's One-Take Commercial 00:46:34 - Michael Jordan's Lost Championship Rings 00:56:52 - Barry Sanders, The Fridge, & Elway's Two-Minute Drill 01:03:07 - Tommy Time & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Now streaming only on Disney+.

• 0:30Bert Kreischer?

  100%.

• 0:35Bert Kreischer?

  Age before beauty.

• 0:36Speaker 03

  Huh?

• 0:37Bert Kreischer?

  Age before beauty.

• 0:38Speaker 03

  Age before beauty?

• 0:40Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 0:40Speaker 03

  Is that your new motto?

• 0:42Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, I guess I'll go. Hey, guys, brand-new episode of Two Bears One Cave. Tom Segura is wrapping up his movie in Atlanta, golf trip, and then he will be heading out on his preposterous world tour.

• 0:56Speaker 03

  Thanks, buddy.

• 0:56Bert Kreischer?

  My name is Bert Kreischer. You can get tickets at tomsegura.com. And then, my name is Bert Kreischer. I'm in Philly at the Met on my Permission to Party World Tour.

• 1:08Bert Kreischer?

  Wow, you really had to stretch to find photos where I looked bad, didn't you? Like, I just used your headshot. I just used your fucking headshot.

• 1:14Speaker 03

  We Googled your name, we were like, wow, these are all stunners. Is there anything we could do to find a bad photo?

• 1:22Bert Kreischer?

  So, let's just recap. Last week, I pointed out to Tom

• 1:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26Bert Kreischer?

  that he looks older than he feels. Like, it's so interesting. I actually pulled up a picture of Gandhi. You look too old to play Gandhi. Isn't that crazy? And you kind of look like him now.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:38Bert Kreischer?

  Can you pull up a picture of Gandhi, Annie, so that we can see a picture of what Tom? With just a spray tan and Ben Kingsley. Look, there's Tom. Doesn't that kind of look like Tom?

• 1:49Speaker 03

  Very similar, but I have too much hair right now.

• 1:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'd have to take it down. Yeah.

• 1:59Speaker 03

  And then, for you, it was crazy because we Googled you and all these images from my 600-pound life came up. And then, we had to kind of dig through them to find which one was you and which one was them. But thankfully, there's that TLC logo to make the difference. It's pretty cool. Yeah.

• 2:20Bert Kreischer?

  I mean, I just want to say I got a ton more comments and a ton more likes on my video.

• 2:23Speaker 03

  The one that, you mean, the one how you didn't actually accept my collab? That one?

• 2:28Bert Kreischer?

  I just accepted your collab. I posted it. I completely posted it.

• 2:31Speaker 03

  You didn't accept the collab?

• 2:33Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, no, I think I might have just posted. I'm not good with social media.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Right, so the one that you posted.

• 2:39Bert Kreischer?

  Giving up on it.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Oh, okay. You're giving up on social media?

• 2:42Bert Kreischer?

  I, it doesn't bring me any positivity.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  That's for years now.

• 2:47Bert Kreischer?

  I know. Well, it did for a weird period of time, and then every now and then, I'll get like an autistic kid that's good with math, and it'll cheer me up. I get those feel-good stories. I saw these, like, four little black kids in the hood, and they were talking about how they're getting out of the hood, and they had boxing gloves on. And like, those fire me up. I get excited. Anytime I see black guys racing horses, have you ever seen that?

• 3:13Speaker 03

  Black guys racing horses?

• 3:15Bert Kreischer?

  Racing horses in Mississippi.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  Do you mean like they're jockeys?

• 3:19Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, and they do it like for money, like car racing. They do it off. Like, Annie, can you find this? You're black, you'll be able to find it in seconds. It's so good. It's black dudes racing horses in

• 3:33Speaker 03

  In the deep south.

• 3:34Bert Kreischer?

  In the deep south, in like Mississippi. And they're in cowboy boots and cowboy hats, and it's like a cookout, but they got thoroughbred horses, and they're sprinting on them. And they're like, it's, no, not black jockey.

• 3:50Speaker 03

  I mean, that's kind of what you described. It's not a weird search.

• 3:53Bert Kreischer?

  It's not a black jockey, it's black horse racing. Type in black horse racing.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:59Bert Kreischer?

  You'll find it.

• 4:00Speaker 03

  Black horse racing? This came up in your algorithm?

• 4:03Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, type in, god damn it.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  I mean, it's literally what you're saying.

• 4:07Bert Kreischer?

  I know, hood horse racing. It's in Mississippi. Come on, baby. No. It's

• 4:16Speaker 03

  It's definitely not him, it's you, just so you're clear.

• 4:19Bert Kreischer?

  It's not me, trust me, it's not me. Kyle, can you find it and find me a link? It's, I'll tell you about it, but it's so good. It's these guys that take their horses back into like, into like where you'd go muddin' or something like that. And they race their horses, and they race four horses, and they race for money, and it's fucking

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Is there a bunch of spectators?

• 4:39Bert Kreischer?

  Awesome. And there's, yeah, it's just like a barbecue, it looks like a cookout, and they all go out there, and they got money, and they're like talking shit. It looks like, I swear to God, Tom, you would think it was like they had, there you go, there you go, send that, send this to me, send that to Annie right now. I found it. It's so fucking good. So, those times, like, that's when the internet makes me smile, when I find something that

• 5:04Speaker 03

  Like, black hood horse racing.

• 5:06Bert Kreischer?

  Like, black hood horse racing, I follow a couple junkies that I, that I, I like, I kind of keep up with.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  Do you ever examine why that makes you feel good? Because you like also like when like

• 5:17Bert Kreischer?

  I identify with them.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  The poverty-stricken people that are making cheap food for their spouse, and it's like

• 5:25Bert Kreischer?

  She blocked me.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  Huh?

• 5:27Bert Kreischer?

  She blocked me.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, but there's a bunch of those.

• 5:30Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, I follow a bunch of them.

• 5:31Speaker 03

  Why does that make you feel good?

• 5:33Bert Kreischer?

  I think it reminds me of LeAnn's family.

• 5:35Speaker 03

  Really?

• 5:36Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, a little bit. That's like, LeAnn's family makes recipes where you're just like, like, they're like, a stick of mayonnaise, stick of cream cheese, some Velveeta cheese, you're gonna put these papaya tamales in there, you get them right from Ralph's, or you get them right from Costco, shove a bunch of those in there, and then get a cup of brown sugar. And get a pixie stick.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  So, you think that that is why you identify with it?

• 6:04Bert Kreischer?

  I guess, I don't know. I mean, it makes me, it makes me happy, it kind of

• 6:08Speaker 03

  They're so depressing.

• 6:11Bert Kreischer?

  I, oh, I don't know, I don't find them depressing. And I like the junkies, there's this one junkie that I, he's clearly on meth, I think.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  And you're like, that's not depressing either?

• 6:21Bert Kreischer?

  No, I don't know why. I think I identify with his dreaming big.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Dreaming big while on heroin?

• 6:29Bert Kreischer?

  It's meth, I'm pretty sure.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Meth, right. You're like, that feels, makes me feel good.

• 6:34Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 6:37Bert Kreischer?

  So, I mean, maybe they're making me feel bad and I don't know about it, but, but yeah. And so then, the other day, I was like, I gotta get off social media, this isn't, it's not good for my brain.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Are you gonna watch that livestream of the Fort Hood shooter?

• 6:50Speaker 03

  The killing, execution of him?

• 6:53Bert Kreischer?

  Wow.

• 6:55Bert Kreischer?

  I just found out about this

• 6:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, well

• 6:57Bert Kreischer?

  10 minutes ago.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  You think you're going to?

• 7:01Bert Kreischer?

  Well, let me real quick, let me run my take by you.

• 7:04Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 7:07Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Yeah?

• 7:09Bert Kreischer?

  What are you thinking?

• 7:11Speaker 03

  I was, I want to hear more about your yeah.

• 7:14Bert Kreischer?

  I was thinking if they're doing it at like a Buffalo Wild Wings.

• 7:17Speaker 03

  I don't think that's where they're doing it.

• 7:19Bert Kreischer?

  Where are they gonna do it?

• 7:20Speaker 03

  Probably at a prison.

• 7:22Bert Kreischer?

  No, they're gonna livestream it just to your phones?

• 7:25Speaker 03

  Well, they're gonna livestream a firing squad.

• 7:28Bert Kreischer?

  It's a firing squad?

• 7:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:30Bert Kreischer?

  I don't know enough about this, I just learned about it. Tell me about that, I don't even know about the Fort Hood killer.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Well, my recollection is that it was a army guy, and I think he was Muslim, right? Yeah, it's, yeah, it's a

• 7:44Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, is this the one from like 20 years ago?

• 7:47Speaker 03

  No, not 20 years ago. It was several years ago now, but he went back to his base or former base, and he killed

• 7:54Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, 49, I know this guy.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  13 people, wounded 32 others. Damn. Yeah, and I had no idea, I had forgotten about that guy until they, the Pentagon was like, we're gonna livestream it. Fucking, I think that's fucking crazy to livestream it, but it's

• 8:13Bert Kreischer?

  That's wild.

• 8:14Speaker 03

  Huh?

• 8:15Bert Kreischer?

  That's wild.

• 8:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course, it's fucking, it's fucking

• 8:18Bert Kreischer?

  And are we not supposed to want to watch it?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  I don't know, I think it's probably pretty split amongst people who are excited by it and people who find it repulsive. Yeah, it's pretty down the middle.

• 8:32Bert Kreischer?

  And which one are you?

• 8:33Speaker 03

  I don't think that's a good thing to

• 8:37Bert Kreischer?

  No, no, no, let's, morals aside, watching it, are you, you've seen people die online?

• 8:43Speaker 03

  I've seen people, yeah, but the thing is, for all this, like, I have a very specific thing that I like watching wild videos, I do like watching crazy accidents, but I don't like watching gore. I don't like watching, I don't like watching knockout videos where a guy's head bounces off the concrete, like the pavement, I don't like that. You know, I like a specific thing, and it's not that. That, to me, is like

• 9:09Bert Kreischer?

  Really?

• 9:10Speaker 03

  Too much, it's off-putting to me, but

• 9:12Bert Kreischer?

  I don't, I tell you, I'm gonna tell you, this is a, once again, I should run

• 9:16Speaker 03

  I think he's a terrible guy. I want to be clear, like, I think he's a terrible guy, and for sure, I don't, I'm not opposed to his execution, but I think livestreaming it is sort of like indicative of where we're at and where we're headed with everything in the world right now. It feels like a weird choice to me, to be like, log in.

• 9:39Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  But you're excited to watch it.

• 9:43Bert Kreischer?

  I'm not excited. I'll tell you what, I feel like, I gotta feel like I do remember this guy doing this, but it was 2009, so it's been some time.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's been a while.

• 9:51Bert Kreischer?

  So it's like if Ruben Studdard went on tour right now, you're like, you gotta go while you're still like in the merit. Like if they had killed him like the week after, I think I might've been more into it.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:02Bert Kreischer?

  I don't really have any emotional attachment to this guy. I think he's a piece of shit.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:05Bert Kreischer?

  But I'm certain it will come across my feed at some point. There's no way that I don't accidentally see him get shot in firing squad. I mean, that's impossible.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  You're right.

• 10:15Bert Kreischer?

  I've seen everything at this point.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  You're totally right about that.

• 10:18Bert Kreischer?

  So why not just watch it when it happens and get it over with?

• 10:23Speaker 03

  I mean, fair, fair point, dude. Fair point. You're gonna end up seeing it.

• 10:27Bert Kreischer?

  It's very, you know, it's very primal, and I think it's very indicative of cancel culture. And, you know, cancel culture permeates itself in so many different ways in society. If you simply don't agree with someone's politics, they go after you on every place they can. Cancel culture is in fact identical to what happened in the Reign of Terror in France, where they just started beheading people. You know, shooting CEOs in the back is no different than is what they were doing back to Marie Antoinette, you know? And so I think it's a very primal feeling for Americans or for people to want to see negative things happen to other people to make themselves feel better about who they are.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. And this is, I think, there's a little bit of, for sure, trying to galvanize people of like, this is what we do now. Like, you do some fucked up shit like this, we're gonna kill you, we're gonna show you. Which is how some people do public executions still to this day across the world. It's definitely how it used to be when you would execute in the town square, right? It was to like, show everybody. There was some sort of perverse joy in seeing that, but it was also a message, you know? It was like, this can happen if you do something bad. But yeah, it's pretty loaded, man. It's a loaded issue, I think, to have it be livestreamed. It's strange.

• 11:54Bert Kreischer?

  I mean, now that you say this, I go, yeah, I've never watched a beheading video, and those are out there.

• 12:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:02Bert Kreischer?

  I've never watched one of those, because I don't want it, I don't want it in my brain.

• 12:05Speaker 03

  It's, yeah, yeah.

• 12:06Bert Kreischer?

  And maybe I don't want this in my brain to know that I was part of society that celebrated an execution. I do, I don't mind the guy dying. I think he should die, but I don't know. But it's also, it's like one of those things, like, if you're, if you're against, if you're against, if you're for meat, then you should be able to hunt type things, you know, like.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  I get it.

• 12:26Bert Kreischer?

  Know where, know how your food gets processed. So if you're for execution, god damn it, you should have to watch it. I guess.

• 12:36Speaker 03

  I mean, I don't totally disagree with you, Ben.

• 12:39Bert Kreischer?

  That's, I never thought you'd say that.

• 12:41Speaker 03

  I know. I never thought I'd say it either.

• 12:45Bert Kreischer?

  Put on Black Horse Racing and cheer each, let's cheer each other up.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is such a bummer.

• 12:48Bert Kreischer?

  This is in Mississippi, I'm sure.

• 12:50Speaker 03

  Let's see.

• 13:02Speaker 03

  That gets you going, right there.

• 13:04Bert Kreischer?

  Dude, and especially when they start fighting, and one guy's got a handful of money, no shirt on, with a cowboy hat and boots and jeans are sagging, and he's like, "For show, for show, motherfucker."

• 13:14Speaker 03

  Is there another more of those?

• 13:16Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, that's, I mean, you can follow this guy. I'm certain he's got a ton of them. Or he just, oh.

• 13:22Speaker 03

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• 15:49Speaker 00

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 16:08Speaker 00

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest.

• 16:12Speaker 04

  Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Now streaming only on Disney+.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Are you a horse guy, Bert?

• 16:22Bert Kreischer?

  Me, yes, 100%.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  You like horses?

• 16:24Bert Kreischer?

  I, dude, one of the coolest feeling in the world is to sprint on a horse. There's nothing like it. Have you ever run, have you ever run a full clip on a horse?

• 16:34Speaker 03

  I don't know if it was full clip. I mean, I've, you know, some pace.

• 16:37Bert Kreischer?

  Like, a full sprint on a horse is the baddest thing you can ever do. You've never been more connected with an animal, more out of control but in control at the exact same time. I'd say, I mean, I've talked about it on stage a bunch, because if you've ever done it, you know exactly, there's a moment where the horse's neck and you are in this symbiotic motion. It's almost like great sex. And you're like, you're just like fucking hovering and holding on, and then, and then you stop him, and you can feel the whole horse like sit his ass down, and you're like, whoa, it's fucking incredible. It really is.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. When was the last time you did that?

• 17:18Bert Kreischer?

  It's been a while. When I was on Trip Flip, was the last time I rode horses, and we had to live with these horses. We were running Buffalo across Houston, like through Houston. And we had to live with our horse, because you had to be able to take your horse, and you had to spin him, move him sideways, back him up. So you had to really know how to ride your horse. So like, unlike my, we were there for five days, and on my fourth or third day, they were like, you're really comfortable, you wanna run him? And I was like, yeah. And me and this, this other person just took our horses and took off. And it was, fuck, I mean, it was better than, it was better than booze. It was better than a buzz. It was so cool. One of the coolest things I've ever done. And I mean, surfing's

• 17:59Bert Kreischer?

  pretty fucking incredible. I think to be moved by the earth is pretty insane. I can't imagine big wave surfing's gotta be like, that much better. I've only done like baby waves. But man, I've been pushed by the feet by dolphins. I've been, I've ridden on, on like mammals, like in the ocean, you know, in like, like in tanks and whatnot, and in the open ocean. But man, getting on a horse, and especially having like, full domain over that animal, and knowing how to use it, and get it going, and slow it down. And then, and then they, they read your energy. So, yeah, I've been bucked off a horse, too.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  On that show?

• 18:38Bert Kreischer?

  On that show, I got bucked off a horse in Costa Rica. I got bit by a bat the night before, and the horse could tell. And the horse was like, I don't want any part of this motherfucker.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  That's gotta suck, right? Getting bucked off?

• 18:48Bert Kreischer?

  It wasn't that big of a horse. I say, I know this sounds crazy, but it did feel like a smaller horse, and it was terrifying. It was terrifying. And I was wrapping my legs around him tighter, because I was scared, and that was making him buck harder. And it was just a nightmare. And then I just got off the horse altogether, and I started drinking.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Sounds like a familiar story.

• 19:10Bert Kreischer?

  Dude, I'm so, yeah, I'm fucking, drinking always solves everything.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  That's a great way to, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. You gotta lean into that more.

• 19:19Bert Kreischer?

  Dude, I tell you right now, I wish I could. I wish, I used to drink the way I would run on a horse, where it was careless, and it was free. I didn't think twice about it. I wasn't worried about it. I didn't like, calculate it, or like, go, that's enough. And now I feel like I just canter when I drink. I just go, chaka, chaka, chaka, chaka.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  So you're not gonna, you're not doing it at all now, or just really minimal?

• 19:44Bert Kreischer?

  No, very minimal. Like, very, very minimal. Which is good. I think I'm maintaining my weight. My health is still good. My, my blood pressure's still good. My heart, resting heart rate's in the 50s. Everything's still good. And I, and I have a drink, like, I'll have a Poro Sos and soda on stage, and, but then I get back to the bus, and I have water, and I go to sleep, read a script, put my anti-aging mask on.

• 20:11Speaker 03

  How's that working?

• 20:12Bert Kreischer?

  Eight minutes. It's fucking incredible, dude. Everyone's been like, bumping into me like, whoa, you look like you have a filter on your face.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:20Bert Kreischer?

  It's crazy.

• 20:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, I haven't seen anyone.

• 20:22Bert Kreischer?

  Just stay hydrated, Tom. It's, I think, the best thing you can do at this moment.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:26Bert Kreischer?

  Stay hydrated, and I can get you some of these lasers that, they really help.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  I got, I drink a lot of water, so I'm good there.

• 20:32Bert Kreischer?

  What are we gonna do with this beard at the end of this filming?

• 20:35Speaker 03

  Oh, I mean, I'm adopted as a new look. I like the chin strap look. Pretty exciting.

• 20:42Bert Kreischer?

  You don't take enough chances with that facial hair.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  I think I'll probably go back to my beard. Yeah.

• 20:46Bert Kreischer?

  You think?

• 20:47Speaker 03

  I think so. Why don't you do something different?

• 20:50Bert Kreischer?

  I, I can't.

• 20:51Speaker 03

  We've seen that for years. Do something different.

• 20:53Bert Kreischer?

  I'm stuck with this forever, Tom.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Why?

• 20:59Speaker 03

  Wait, why won't you change it at all?

• 21:00Bert Kreischer?

  My double chin, my double chin's bad.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  No, it's not.

• 21:03Bert Kreischer?

  It's bad. There's shots when I look at, I was watching edits of Free Bird, season two.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:09Bert Kreischer?

  I can't, there's things I can't get past is like, and a side shot of me, it just looks like a fucking tire. Like a fucking, but the inside of a bike tire, just right here.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  So you'll always have the beard?

• 21:21Bert Kreischer?

  I'll get for the rest of my life. I'll die with this beard. I'll never, I'll never get rid of this beard. I will always have this beard.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  Wow, what a statement.

• 21:28Bert Kreischer?

  I, I know, I'm so, I would be so sad if I shaved it. The look of my face would make me so depressed.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  I don't think so, man.

• 21:42Bert Kreischer?

  Uh, a hundred percent. My nose, when I, this, my head's fucking weird. Like my nose is too big, my teeth are too big. And then when I have this beard, it makes everything look like it fits my face right. And then when I take this beard off, you're like, oh, you don't have a chin at all. Like there's no chin there. You're like a, you're like a ski slope backwards. And then, oh my God, that jaw goes right into your chest. That goes chin, chest.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Would you do goatee?

• 22:09Bert Kreischer?

  I, I would, I would. But I don't know if, I don't, I don't know if I could, I don't know how it would, I don't know.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  Would you do just stash?

• 22:19Bert Kreischer?

  I would love to do just stash.

• 22:21Speaker 03

  Dude, do it.

• 22:24Bert Kreischer?

  I would love to.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  You can do it. What do you mean?

• 22:28Speaker 03

  You're the guy for that.

• 22:29Bert Kreischer?

  No, I'm not.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  What are you talking about?

• 22:32Bert Kreischer?

  I gotta get, I gotta get, I gotta, I'd have to get to like 200 pounds or something.

• 22:37Speaker 03

  What are you now?

• 22:39Bert Kreischer?

  230, 225, right in between there.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 22:44Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 22:45Speaker 03

  So now we know a good, what good stakes are for like a bet.

• 22:49Bert Kreischer?

  No.

• 22:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:50Bert Kreischer?

  I will never make that bet.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  What? There you go. You look good there.

• 22:56Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, where would you find that?

• 23:02Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, it's so bad.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  That looks cool. I like that.

• 23:06Bert Kreischer?

  That's the worst. That's the worst. My little envelope lip.

• 23:13Bert Kreischer?

  That's the worst. That's what I'd look like. If I had alopecia.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. That's exactly, but you look happy.

• 23:19Bert Kreischer?

  Recognize me. No, Isla did that.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  Wait a minute. How are you seeing it in Free Bird? If you have a beard? Do you not have a beard?

• 23:27Bert Kreischer?

  See it, I can see it through my beard.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  Oh, oh.

• 23:32Bert Kreischer?

  I'm, I'm just, I like, I'm not a great, you know, I should stop talking so honestly about everything because I think people hear it and they go, maybe he is a bad actor. But like, I'm a bad editor because I just watch myself. I don't watch anyone. Like when I watch a scene and I go to give notes, I just watch me. I don't watch the scene. So I'm not good at giving notes. And I just look at like, I look at my double chin, or I look at my, like my one, I have one bottom tooth that kind of sticks out for, I, it, there's certain things where I just look at myself. I go, how the fuck can anyone watch this? Get, get, get the camera off me. So I'm not good at that. I don't love what I look like. Oh, but what's crazy is I liked,

• 24:14Bert Kreischer?

  it was weird leaning into fat wasn't bad for me. Like I just was, I was like, hey, yeah, I'm fat. Fuck you.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:21Bert Kreischer?

  And now that there's some vanity attached, I'm like, oh God.

• 24:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:26Bert Kreischer?

  It sucks. Like there's a shot in, uh, in, um, in Bad Thoughts, season two, that I can't believe you let in the cut. And I, I think about it. I took pictures of it.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  What is it?

• 24:38Bert Kreischer?

  I don't want to tell you.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  You just tell me.

• 24:40Bert Kreischer?

  You guys got to do me a favor.

• 24:43Bert Kreischer?

  Go to Bad Thoughts, season two, if you're watching.

• 24:46Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 24:46Bert Kreischer?

  Okay?

• 24:47Speaker 03

  Jesus.

• 24:49Bert Kreischer?

  And stream it. It's in the very first sketch. Stream it. Take a picture and tag me in it and I'll let you know if you got it. And if you did get it, I'll repost it, give you a follow, I'll comment on it. Just.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  In the first one?

• 25:04Bert Kreischer?

  In the season two.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  Season two, first episode?

• 25:08Bert Kreischer?

  First episode.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  The thing that opens the show?

• 25:11Bert Kreischer?

  I think it's, it's, I think it's season, wait, no, season two is, opens with the, with the black dad.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  No, the season two opens, I'm in the doctor's office with Kevin Nealon.

• 25:21Bert Kreischer?

  Yes, season two.

• 25:22Speaker 03

  And then, and then it turns into like a musical number and everything?

• 25:24Bert Kreischer?

  Yes, season two. So everyone go to season two.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  And in that episode?

• 25:29Bert Kreischer?

  In that episode, in that sketch.

• 25:31Speaker 03

  In that sketch.

• 25:32Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. That, I saw it and I went, wow. I was really proud of you. I was like, that is,

• 25:37Speaker 03

  Damn.

• 25:38Bert Kreischer?

  That is like, yeah, I was like, I would never put that in.

• 25:41Speaker 03

  Really?

• 25:42Bert Kreischer?

  Uh, it would, it drove me nuts. It drove me nuts. I never said anything to you right until right now. I took pictures of it. I showed it to Leanne.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  Well, just.

• 25:48Bert Kreischer?

  She, no one noticed it. I noticed it. The second I watched it, I noticed it. I went, whoa. Can we talk about my, my, my?

• 25:58Bert Kreischer?

  I didn't post it.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  You didn't post it?

• 26:00Bert Kreischer?

  No, I never posted it. Leanne didn't let me.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Why?

• 26:04Bert Kreischer?

  Cause she's, cause she was like, don't get in the middle of that shit. That's not your brand. Your brand isn't.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  Controversy.

• 26:09Bert Kreischer?

  You know, it's, it's not, it's not like to try to, I go, I was, but my whole point was to make it laugh, make people laugh, which I thought it was funny.

• 26:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:17Bert Kreischer?

  For anyone doesn't know, this past week, there was a big hubba loo in, um, on our comedy scene. And Sirius XM made a transition from Raw Dog Radio to Sebastian Maniscalco Radio. And in doing so, it, it terminated the income of about 500 comics, all of which it seems live in New York. It, which was odd to me. There was no one else. It was all New York comics.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Was it?

• 26:43Bert Kreischer?

  And so.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  I didn't notice that.

• 26:44Bert Kreischer?

  It was no one else but New York comics. And, and I talked to a few of them and I think they, they had an inroad to get their stuff played at Sirius XM because it's based out of New York. So I think that's why there's so many in New York comics. But they did what would be a targeted campaign. Is probably the best way to say it?

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Well, yeah. I mean, a bunch of people voiced, they were like, hey, the thing was weird was they targeted it to Sebastian. I noticed that some people said Sebastian bought this channel, which was insane. But then they were like, well, for people who don't know, Raw Dog would just stream, uh, clips of standup. Like you get an album and there's 20 tracks. They would stream a whole mix of tracks of different standups.

• 27:32Bert Kreischer?

  Great way to discover new comics.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:34Bert Kreischer?

  In all honesty.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  And they played all kinds of comics on it, right? Like every.

• 27:38Bert Kreischer?

  It was, it was, it was awesome. You'd play it in your car and it would just play. And I'd be like, who the fuck's Dwight Slade?

• 27:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. And it was like.

• 27:45Bert Kreischer?

  He's a brilliant comic, by the way.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  He is. And there was like 800, I guess, comics in the rotation. But what Sirius XM did was make a programming decision, which they've done for a bunch of other channels, it should be said. Like there's, you're like, oh, you know what was the oldies station? It's now 70s rock. Like they've done it many times with different.

• 28:07Bert Kreischer?

  And they've done it with celebrities. They're like, we got Johnny Knoxville radio now.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, Slim Shady has his.

• 28:12Bert Kreischer?

  Forever.

• 28:13Speaker 03

  Yeah. Um, Slim Shady used to be a different channel too. And I think.

• 28:17Bert Kreischer?

  Shade 45.

• 28:18Speaker 03

  Right. But it used to be something else. And they.

• 28:21Bert Kreischer?

  It used to be something else.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  So the, they just did that again. They're like, this is a programming choice. We're changing. And then now it's Sebastian's channel. And in doing so, they removed a lot of the comics they used to play on there, which I totally understand. They're, they became used to those royalties and they're like, those are gone. But, you know, it wasn't Sebastian's choice to do that. He didn't like say, we'll do that. That's them saying, we're making a choice, a change here into this. Anyway, a bunch of people made these videos. They're like, come on, dude. Don't do this. Like, why'd you buy this channel? Um, you gotta, you gotta say something to Sirius. But he's really just hired to do it.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  He's, he's hired to do a job. And the job is what it is. And their programming change is theirs. Like they made that choice. He obviously heard from everybody and, um, he said he's working on something, which is cool. Like he, he was like, I'm gonna do what I can. I don't know exactly what he's planning, but yeah, a lot of people were, um, were, were kind of like. Pointing their frustration to him, you know, which was like, I don't know, it was a little misguided. It's like, it's not his decision.

• 29:39Bert Kreischer?

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• 30:21Bert Kreischer?

  So you don't have to fight the trimmer. It moves with you instead of against you. If you're already using the lawnmower, this feels like a serious upgrade. And if you've never tried Manscaped before, the lawnmower Ultra Gen 6 is easily the most advanced body groomer they've ever made. Better blades, smarter features, longer battery life and an overall grooming experience that's faster, easier, and a whole lot more comfortable. Head to manscaped.com and use code BEARS to get 15% off plus free shipping at checkout. That's 15% off plus free shipping with code BEARS at manscaped.com. Or if you need it today, it's available now at Best Buy. Can I tell you one thing that blows my mind? Is that people go to my website and buy gifts for their family members during the holidays.

• 31:05Bert Kreischer?

  And if you're thinking about doing that, go to burp, burp, burp, dot com. But that's kind of crazy. And if you have a business, Shopify helps you launch a store and start selling in a few simple steps without needing to be an e-commerce expert. Listen, do you think my wife, Leanne, is an e-commerce expert? She is absolutely not. Sidekick Shopify's AI assistant can help with business tasks along the way. From store setup to planning promotions, Shopify's pre-built themes and AI site builder can make it easier to create a professional storefront. Shopify even has a mobile app that lets you manage key parts of your store from anywhere, including inventory, customer support and payments.

• 31:45Bert Kreischer?

  Shopify Checkout with Shop Pay converts up to 36% higher than the competition. Launch before Black Friday, a time of the year when more people are already shopping and ready to buy. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com slash bears and start your free trial. That's Shopify.com slash bears. Go to Shopify.com slash bears today to get your first.

• 32:12Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, I mean, it, you know, I, I'll get really like, only like, and this is why Leanne's like, don't post anything. Because I obviously have opinions and you know, here's the thing that kind of is like, I think as comics, we need to take ownership of is, you know, Sirius XM was a great platform for a lot of voices for a long time to discover comedy. And then we as comics kind of killed it. Like we just started going like, fuck that. Let's just put out podcasts.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:44Bert Kreischer?

  Let's put out YouTube specials. Let's put up clips every day of crowd work or bits that we are working on or bits on social media. So now, I mean this, but this is the truth, is if you're a fan of comedy and you're looking for, say, Kim Kongden, who's on tour with me right now, the last place you're probably going to look is Sirius XM, which affects their bottom line. The first place you're going to look is her Instagram, then her TikTok, then you're going to hit up YouTube. Then you're going to follow her podcast and then you're going to go, wow, I got a lot of Kim Kongden. I don't need a bit with a bunch of people that aren't Kim Kongden.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:22Bert Kreischer?

  And, and so now adversely, if you're Sebastian and you don't have a lot of free streams for your material, which is quite wise as a businessman. He doesn't have a YouTube special. He doesn't have, he, him and Pete put out their podcast, but it's very sporadic. I just see clips. He doesn't put up standup clips. He's very kind of sparse on social media. Then Sirius XM goes, wow, from a business perspective, he's one of the biggest comics in the world. I would like to have Sebastian fans come to Sirius XM.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:57Bert Kreischer?

  And so that's, I mean, we need to take a tad bit of ownership as comics for creating the podcast format and leaning so heavily into it. We all have podcasts.

• 34:09Bert Kreischer?

  It, you know, it's, it's got to be a bottom line for Sirius XM where they're like, it doesn't, it doesn't, the bottom line doesn't meet for us to pay $15 a play when people put out that exact same bit on any bit that they have.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  I mean,

• 34:21Bert Kreischer?

  They put out on.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  They're making the change because they obviously are like, we feel like we can do better with this new format. I mean, that's what they, that's what radio stations, whether they're terrestrial or satellite do. They just go, what's the best way to maximize our profit on this channel? And like, after a while, if they're like, it's not working, then they change it. That's like, that's not new. That's what they do. That's what they've done.

• 34:47Bert Kreischer?

  It stinks. Number one, this is to Sebastian. He needs to give more people his phone number. That's number one.

• 34:55Bert Kreischer?

  That just shows you how many people don't have Sebastian's number. I texted him, I was taking a shit in the airport and I saw the first like chunk of them coming in. It was like Liz and Adrian and, and Sam Morrell and, and Dan Soder. I saw those four back to back to back in my feed and I texted Sebastian. I go, this is going to be such a great day.

• 35:21Bert Kreischer?

  He was like, but, but, uh, you know, I, I think what's, what's kind of crazy is like, I don't, I didn't, I didn't, I get, I'm very empathetic for anyone. And I think, and this goes back to, this goes back to, you know, what's happening in this country a little bit is I think people look at Sebastian and they go, yeah, fuck the rich. You know, he's rich. What does he need this for? What is he doing? Why would he even do this to us? He's fucking the middle, the, the, the little guy. Is that's how the perspective it was. And my first thought, and you know, we never, me and you never really got, we were in a little different generation where we weren't, we always got fucked doing a special.

• 36:06Bert Kreischer?

  We always got fucked with our albums. We always got fucked with all of that. We never got good money. I never got money from Sirius XM. But what we can identify with is when the clubs would lower our rate.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:19Bert Kreischer?

  And you were like, what the fuck? And but that's how these kids feel when they lose those income streams.

• 36:25Speaker 03

  Of course, because some of them are paying like their rent or their insurance or their like tuition or their meals for their like, they're paying that every month. And so they rely on it. So I totally understand the frustration. What I'm saying though, too, is that blaming him, it's like, it's like your favorite TV show comes off and they replace it with the show and get mad at the guy that's hired to do the new show. It's not, that's like, it's not him. Anyway, I totally understand what, why the comics are frustrated. I think all those messages should go to Sirius XM and, and less to Sebastian himself.

• 37:06Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. It's funny. I, I got, I was really moved by it. Whatever was wrong with me is I get very empathetic in situations and I feel like they're happening to me.

• 37:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:16Bert Kreischer?

  I don't know if it's soft narcissism or what. But like, I got really worried about Sebastian because I also understand how that trickles down. And I'm, I, not to get like serious, but like, you know, when you make any video about someone and you, and you kind of, you know, target them in a little bit of a way, it is a little bit juvenile to not think of the, the shrapnel that happens around that. And the lunatic that may see that video and then it, it all of a sudden, they send like a crazy email to Sebastian or they send. So like, I get, I got really sensitive to it and I try, and that's why Leanne told me not to post the video.

• 37:59Bert Kreischer?

  But then the next day I woke up and I was like, I can fix it. You know how my brain works? And I was like, got online and I was like, guys, my name's Bert Kreischer and I'm a standup comedian. This message to all comedians, we're going to start a union.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:12Bert Kreischer?

  And, uh, and then I, everyone in the world hit me up and then Leanne called, called me yesterday. She goes, I guess I'm starting a union. And I was like, yeah, baby. I'm sorry. I was like, can you start it for me?

• 38:26Speaker 03

  How are you doing that?

• 38:28Bert Kreischer?

  Leanne's doing it. Leanne's gonna, like, it's, what's crazy is I gotta say, a lot of really fucking big comics reached out and told me they're in. And I mean, my phone blew up. I haven't read the comments, but you know, all the people that were in the, you know, Sirius XM kind of spokes, spokesperson area. Liz and, and well, Liz is the only one really, Matthew Bressard. They, uh, they hit me up and they're like, we'd love to be a part of it. You know, Greg Fitzsimmons hit me up. I won't say everyone's names because I don't, I, they, I don't, I don't know how that works. But a lot of very big comics DM'd me or texted me. I woke up this morning and my phone was lit up and they're like, how can we help? You know, it's so funny, Tom, because I was talking to two comics in the bus last night about it.

• 39:13Bert Kreischer?

  Ian, Ian Finance and Kim Kongden. And they're

• 39:21Bert Kreischer?

  this is how stupid comics are.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:24Bert Kreischer?

  This is how we, we not just, I'm not pointing fingers.

• 39:28Bert Kreischer?

  We were like, what, what's something that a union can help with? And they were like, feature, feature rates. And I was like, guys, what about healthcare? And they're like, we can get healthcare? I was like, guys, that's what a union gets you, like, healthcare. And then they were like, well, how, and then I think both of them are like, well, how do we, how do we get into the union? Like, what's the threshold for getting into the union? And I was like, guys, it's very simple. You have to have done Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed.

• 39:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:00Bert Kreischer?

  If you've done Comics Unleashed, you deserve to be in that union.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  No, it's, but feature rates is a fucking legit thing.

• 40:08Bert Kreischer?

  $700 hadn't changed or it's a hundred dollars a show, right?

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. Hasn't changed in like 35 years.

• 40:14Bert Kreischer?

  $50 for hosts.

• 40:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's crazy.

• 40:16Bert Kreischer?

  Travel buyouts are exactly the same.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  That's so crazy.

• 40:21Bert Kreischer?

  Hadn't changed in 20 years.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  More than 20.

• 40:24Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. Isn't that insane, Tom?

• 40:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. I remember I brought it up one time on Twitter. And I was like, so many people lashed out at me for bringing that up. They're like, don't tell people how to run a business. You know, why don't you fucking pay more? I'm like, I do pay more. I pay more. I'm saying that these, and they're like, that's somebody else's. But people were like, actually really upset about it. Yeah.

• 40:51Bert Kreischer?

  Well, I said to the, I said to the guys, I was like, you know, I, I wouldn't, here's the deal. With, here's the deal with comedy, in my opinion, and I could be off.

• 41:01Bert Kreischer?

  You got it.

• 41:04Bert Kreischer?

  There are people that will do it for less. You know, like that's the, it's a, it's a supply and demand type thing. Like I, in a weird way, like you, I would fight to get those host gigs. And I would be, I would never complain because I wanted those host gigs. And then when I got into feature, I was like, I'm not going to make a stint because I want the feature job. Like this is great. Like this is a way into getting into a headliner. And I got my first offer for a headliner. It was $1,500 a weekend. And that was 2006 or 2007. And then the next year I got my next offer and it was $1,300. So it was 2008 and the, and the economy had just crashed.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:41Bert Kreischer?

  And I was like, shit, do I take it? And there were guys that didn't take it. They walked away and they never, like, I just continued working and literally worked my way up the chain. Whereas some guys took that year and didn't take it and thought they'd do like B clubs, like hyenas and stuff. And then they never got back on track.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:00Bert Kreischer?

  And some of them never, you know? So it's a weird thing. You gotta let, you gotta let, you gotta let the comedy clubs make money because they've, they've got to stay alive. We can't just do a break even with comedy clubs.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 42:11Bert Kreischer?

  Comedy clubs have to make money because then that's why they'll have the business for us to work at. So that's like, it's a slippery slope. That's why I'm not going to be a union leader.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you, you're kind of in it now, so.

• 42:25Bert Kreischer?

  I'm not, I'm, I'm, uh, God, I get so many spam risks.

• 42:32Speaker 03

  You get what?

• 42:33Bert Kreischer?

  Spam calls. I, my, I get spam calls like 25 a day.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Why do you think so many? Probably because you post your phone number online or something?

• 42:41Bert Kreischer?

  Never posted my phone number.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  You have done that before.

• 42:44Bert Kreischer?

  I have, I posted my phone number. I definitely posted my phone number.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:48Bert Kreischer?

  I posted my phone number the other day. As a matter of fact, when everyone was going at Sebastian, I posted it in my stories. I was like, hey, guys, just call him. This is his number.

• 42:57Speaker 03

  And you posted yours?

• 42:59Bert Kreischer?

  I posted my WhatsApp phone number.

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Jesus, well, isn't that your phone number?

• 43:03Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. And then everyone was like, I mean, their fan, I love, I love the fan that hits me up. He goes, do you think it'd be cool if I called? And I was like, yeah, call man, definitely call. Fucking yeah. Get after it, dude.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  Jesus Christ.

• 43:16Bert Kreischer?

  What the fuck are you talking about?

• 43:18Speaker 03

  You're insane. You see Mike Ditka died? Is that real? I thought he's been dead.

• 43:24Speaker 03

  I thought he was dead like 15 years.

• 43:32Speaker 03

  Is that wrong?

• 43:38Speaker 03

  He really did just die.

• 43:40Bert Kreischer?

  He had a series of strokes, I think is what you were remembering.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  I just heard a story about him. I just heard a story about him. Somebody told the story on set that they were filming a commercial for like his steakhouse. And we were talking about like when non-actors get hired to do, you know, basically an acting gig, which is like a, a commercial.

• 44:04Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  So the director of this commercial was like, all right, this limo is going to pull up. You get out of the limo, you look at your place and then you walk in, right? Like that's the first thing they want to do. So they did it. Limo pulls up, Ditka gets out, he looks up at his place and he walks in. Then he came out and the director was like, okay, on this one, when the limo pulls up, get out. I want you to get out and really take your place in, like really look up, take it in, hang for a beat, then go into the place. And Ditka was like, yeah, okay. And then he got into his limo and he just left. That was it. That's what he did. And they were like, he was just done after one.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Cause I'd heard the same thing, not the same thing, but another Chicago guy that when Michael, you know, Jordan used to do so many commercials. It was like a Hanes ad every three minutes.

• 45:02Speaker 03

  He would show up, they would be like holding the boom. Like you'd had to, it wasn't like, oh, he's going to be here for 12 hours. He would show up, they'd be like, stand here. And they're like, you have him for maybe an hour, maybe an hour for a fucking $3 million commercial. And he would just be like, that's it. So if you don't get him in like a couple of shots, what you're looking for, that's what you got, you know? Which is very different, obviously, from how most of those are done. It's like, you're doing this for just all fucking day, like not these guys. But Ditka was just one and done. Another thing I remember about Ditka was reading that in like, I guess it would be the fucking 60s.

• 45:46Speaker 03

  When he was, if he had a cold, he was like, yeah, I just need to run. Like if he, he would be like really sick, he would go run hills. And he was like, yeah, that's how you beat a cold. He's a real barbarian. I mean, Ditka was as tough as they get, but he would have the flu and go for like a run. That was just how he was wired, you know? It's a different fucking guy.

• 46:09Bert Kreischer?

  I could listen to stories about Michael Jordan all day long.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Same, same. I watch almost everything that pops up on my phone about him.

• 46:16Bert Kreischer?

  I am so fascinated by that individual. I was with, uh, I, I, I, I gotta, I've got to stop. I think celebrities won't want to be around me because I always tell the story they tell me.

• 46:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:30Bert Kreischer?

  But like, I was with a guy, I was, never mind, I gotta change the subject. So you're going to be able to figure out who it is.

• 46:35Speaker 03

  Why?

• 46:35Bert Kreischer?

  But like, because they, I, I'm obsessed with Michael Jordan golfing. I'm obsessed with him golfing.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:41Bert Kreischer?

  And I, and I want to play, I want to play golf with him, but I want to be around him. But I just kind of want to, I don't want to talk to him. I just want to be around him and watch.

• 46:48Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:49Bert Kreischer?

  And they're like, he doesn't play golf on television. He doesn't let it get filmed. He loves to gamble. He loves to drink and smoke cigars and he's got a great golf game. And they're like, the best golf game out there is Steph Curry.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  He's very good.

• 47:04Bert Kreischer?

  But man, I, look, is that Michael Jordan racing Tiger Woods?

• 47:09Speaker 03

  Look at that stride.

• 47:10Bert Kreischer?

  Are they both running on a, on a golf course?

• 47:12Speaker 03

  That's fucking crazy.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 47:18Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, that's not my Tiger Woods.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  Sergio Garcia.

• 47:20Bert Kreischer?

  Oh, Sergio.

• 47:22Speaker 03

  That looks like a fucking lion about to tackle a gazelle though, dude.

• 47:26Bert Kreischer?

  Look at that leg. I wish Michael Jordan would get obsessed with me so that we could just share it.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  That's not going to happen.

• 47:36Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. Did I tell you, did I ever tell you my favorite Michael Jordan story?

• 47:39Speaker 03

  Which one?

• 47:42Bert Kreischer?

  About when he lost his, uh, his championship rings?

• 47:46Speaker 03

  No.

• 47:48Bert Kreischer?

  I'm going to paraphrase. And by the way, I'd love to get this, this writer, Wright Thompson is the guy who wrote, he wrote a great book. Uh, I got it from your boy, uh, The Daily Stoic.

• 47:57Speaker 03

  Um, oh, yeah. Holiday, Ryan Holiday.

• 48:01Bert Kreischer?

  Ryan Holiday, Ryan Holiday gave it to me. It's one of the few books I've read that I really enjoyed. But let me rephrase that. It's one of the few books I've read. Any book I read, I think I end up enjoying because I'm like, well, shut up. So Michael Jordan is moving, he's doing an art, an interview with Wright Thompson. Wright Thompson is like the baddest motherfucker. I, I love this guy.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:22Bert Kreischer?

  He did a whole book on Pappy Van Winkle. Anyway, he's a sports writer and, and Michael Jordan is moving from Chicago to Miami with his new wife.

• 48:31Speaker 03

  This is a book about Michael Jordan?

• 48:34Bert Kreischer?

  No, it's an article about Michael Jordan.

• 48:36Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 48:37Bert Kreischer?

  And Michael Jordan.

• 48:38Speaker 03

  But it's in the book.

• 48:39Bert Kreischer?

  It's in the book. It's so good. And by the way, I'm paraphrasing, you know, and I remember a story the way I remember it.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:46Bert Kreischer?

  So Michael Jordan's talking and he's like, you know, I, things happened to me so quickly in life from my twenties and thirties that I didn't really get a time to slow down and appreciate a lot of it. And, and I just kind of like, it happened and I didn't really pay attention. Like, what do you mean? He was like, like, I lost like two of my championship rings. And they're like, for real? And he was like, yeah, like I can't find them. I don't know where they are. Like I, I guess they might've been stolen. He goes, in my, in my will, I put that if you find these championship rings, I want them bought back for my kids. I want my kids to have them. But he goes, I guess they were stolen or I don't know, man. I can't find them. And he goes, and that's like two of the things I really wish I had as they're moving. So they're like, really?

• 49:29Bert Kreischer?

  So as he's moving, he finds a safe he didn't know he had, which is indicative of this time of his life where he's like, God, man, it happened so quick. And he goes to do his, his fucking safe code. Apparently, I think, I think they say this is his number, you know? What 32, 32, 32, 32?

• 49:49Speaker 03

  23, 23?

• 49:50Bert Kreischer?

  23, 23, 23.

• 49:53Bert Kreischer?

  And he does his safe code and he, he finds two of his championship rings and three gold medals.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  Jesus Christ.

• 50:02Bert Kreischer?

  He was like, I didn't even know I lost those.

• 50:05Bert Kreischer?

  And I, what I loved about this, Tom, and I, and I think, I think you probably can identify with this now. But I, I, it's not about anything. I don't have championships and I, and I, I think I got to appreciate anything career wise. It's that raising the girls. Like it happened so quickly.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's fast.

• 50:24Bert Kreischer?

  It happened so quickly that there were so many times that I didn't really cherish it the way Michael Jordan kind of looked at championships and gold medals. And was like, yeah, this just is going to happen. This is what life is. And you kind of think like, man, I miss, I miss, I miss taking them to school. And I miss them getting done school and running up and giving me a hug. And I miss them giving me their backpack and I miss walking home with them and hearing about their day. And I miss riding bikes with them and them singing Katy Perry songs. And I miss them introducing me to Taylor Swift. Like all these things happen and much like a gold medal for Michael Jordan, those are my gold medals. And I, I, I don't know if I appreciated it enough when it fucking happened.

• 51:06Bert Kreischer?

  Like when they introduced me to Taylor Swift, instead of realizing, I didn't, I didn't know it was going to be Taylor Swift that we know today. Like I just was like, oh, this is great. And they're like, dad, dad, you gotta, you're going to love this. Dad, this is your music. And I was like, okay. But now I remember it and I'm like, God, man, I wish I could go back to that gold medal. Like, and you're in the fucking throes of it.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:28Bert Kreischer?

  And I'm like jealous because you're winning championships right now with your kids.

• 51:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's the best, but you're right. I think no matter what, you still feel like that thing's gone. Like right now, you're, with my, their ages, I think about that, that toddler stage and like kindergarten, first grade and like not, the same feeling of like, damn, that's, that shit's gone already. So now it's this phase and you still already miss that. You miss that and you think about, it wasn't, I was gone so much. It was, yeah, it's the same thing.

• 52:01Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. It's, it's funny. I, I think that.

• 52:05Bert Kreischer?

  You know, it's like, uh, I was watching Shaq with his kids.

• 52:11Bert Kreischer?

  And I mean, his kids are always around him. Like, he's always, like, he's like, still, like, number one dad. And I, and my kids, my kids love me, but they do, they're, they're, I'm not Shaq. I can't just fly them in to go to an event. Like, you know, like, like, you know, they have lives. Like, Georgia is starting her real adult life and Isla's in college. And I go, I look at it and I go, man, I, I was with Shaq a couple, a month ago or so, and with all his kids. And I was just, and he's like the ultimate fucking dad. And I'm, and it might, and I keep thinking of this Michael Jordan thing. I was like, he's still winning championships. Like, he's still, like, fucking, and his kids are like the sweetest, just like the,

• 52:53Bert Kreischer?

  they're like the best fucking adults, like, and they're, they're young adults too, but.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:00Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. I don't know, man. I, I'm obsessed with, I'm obsessed with all of those guys. I don't know. What's like, uh, like, name your top five athletes you could listen to stories about all day long?

• 53:12Speaker 03

  Oh, I mean, Jordan's definitely number one. It's not even close.

• 53:14Bert Kreischer?

  Jordan's number one.

• 53:15Speaker 03

  I've watched, I feel like I've watched 800 different Jordan stories from the, the best story. Like, some of the best stories are, yeah, golfing, hanging out with him. Like, when people tell stories, we were there. And he bet somebody this, or like, he challenged someone to that.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  There's, um, there's, what was the fucking, oh, there was that Chamillionaire story. Have you seen that one?

• 53:43Bert Kreischer?

  No.

• 53:44Speaker 03

  Where like, you know Chamillionaire, the rapper?

• 53:45Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:47Speaker 03

  So they're at some, some event. And, you know, he always got like Charles Oakley with him.

• 53:55Speaker 03

  Derek Jeter, he's very close with a couple of other guys. And Chamillionaire came, came up and knew one of the guys. And so, but somebody else was like, hey, hey, hey, back off. And somebody turned back to Mike and was like, hey, this is Chamillionaire. And he was like, hey, man, I got this, like, jersey. Do you, uh, will you sign it? And that Jordan was like, you got 25 grand? And somebody was like, no, no, it's, he's, it's cool. He's, Chamillionaire is cool. He's like, I don't give a fuck. Do you have $25,000? And the guy was like, no, he's like, Einstein's shit. And you're like, holy shit. Like, that's fucking crazy.

• 54:39Speaker 03

  That he, he can, he's the only person that would talk to somebody like that, you know? Like, there's no one that would talk to somebody like that, I think, at that level. The JR Ryder, Kevin Garnett one is one of my, there's a million that are also like that. You have to watch. Garnett tells it so amazing, I can't do it justice. But basically Garnett's a rookie. JR Ryder's guarding him, guarding Jordan. And it's like going into the fourth quarter. And Jordan's having like a so-so game. And so, at a timeout, they're walking to their respective benches. And Garnett starts to like, pop off, like, yeah, he's, he ain't all that. He ain't shit.

• 55:23Speaker 03

  You're shutting him down. And he said, JR Ryder was like, shut the fuck up. Shut up, dude. He's like, you don't know what you're doing. Shut up. And that, Jordan stood there, just with his hands on his hips like he used to. Just kind of stone-faced. And he was like, dude, you never do that. You don't do that. And then he went over, like, JR was like, hey, man, he's a rookie. He doesn't know. Sorry about that. Kevin's like, what are you guys doing? You don't do that to him. And the fourth quarter, he dropped like, I don't know, 22 or something and ended up winning the game. And they were like, that's why you don't do this. So he's like that, he's like, Garnett talks shit to everybody. He's like, I never said shit to him again.

• 56:03Speaker 03

  Like, I learned. And there's so many of those stories. If you're on YouTube and you just, there's like hundreds of them where they're just like.

• 56:10Bert Kreischer?

  I love, I love those podcasts, like, uh, like All the Smoke.

• 56:14Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. Yeah.

• 56:15Bert Kreischer?

  I love when they tell stories. You ever hear the story about Super Crip?

• 56:19Speaker 03

  I know who that is, but what story?

• 56:22Bert Kreischer?

  Was, is it, is it Super Crip? Any, do you know the one I'm talking about?

• 56:27Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 56:29Bert Kreischer?

  He fell asleep.

• 56:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:32Bert Kreischer?

  Wow, he's out.

• 56:33Speaker 03

  He's out.

• 56:35Bert Kreischer?

  Uh, they were, they were, I forget, I forget the, the guy was telling the story. He, he's, he's a pro. He's like, uh, he's like, he went pro and he's like an all-star. Everyone, they all knew him. And they're like, you played against Super Crip? And he was like, yeah, but I didn't know he was Super Crip. And they're like, what? And he was like, we were just playing and I was going hard in the paint on him. I was just fouling him. And then the coach comes up and he's like, man, you're not scared of Super Crip at all. And he was like, who am I guarding? It was like, Super Crip. And then I got on this, like, Super Crip, like, where is he now? And, uh, it's like, it's like, uh, I love, I, dude, athlete podcasts are the best thing to happen to podcasts.

• 57:10Speaker 03

  Fucking awesome.

• 57:11Bert Kreischer?

  The, the, the locker room banter, the, the one, who's the one that, I just saw this one. It was like Josh Allen. And another guy were talking about this guy that was the ultimate athlete in Texas, who now just is like fishes. He never went pro. He never did anything. Those are the best stories. Trent something.

• 57:31Speaker 03

  Don't know him. Don't know him.

• 57:33Bert Kreischer?

  Dude.

• 57:33Speaker 03

  But it's, it's great. I love the, the MJ stories are, I think it's because it feels like lore and it feels like fantasy. But you have all these people confirming it. They're like, no, this is real. And these are other fucking pros talking about it. And there's nothing like it. There's nothing like, he's like the closest we have to a superhuman.

• 57:54Bert Kreischer?

  Who do we, who do our superhumans in sports right now? We've got, I mean, not, not right now, but like Kelly Slater was always surfing.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:02Bert Kreischer?

  Kelly Slater was surfing. He owned, he defined surfing for, he, he turned surfing into what it is today. And I, and I'm, I just say that casually as a fan of surfing. And I know there's some incredible, you know, Tom Carroll, Tom Curran.

• 58:14Speaker 03

  Everybody gives it up to Kelly Slater, dude. Everybody.

• 58:17Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. But, um.

• 58:19Speaker 03

  People were talking like that, by the way, you know, up until his retirement, uh, about Aaron Donald and how, how dominant he, I mean, I've never heard or rarely heard people talk about interior defensive lineman like Aaron Donald, like how dominant and how they, they doubled him and tripled him about 90% of plays. And they're like, we still couldn't stop him with two fucking professional NFL offensive linemen. I mean, it was crazy. People talked about Lawrence Taylor like that. People talked about Bo Jackson like that. Yeah.

• 58:52Bert Kreischer?

  Lawrence Taylor, I interviewed him one time.

• 58:54Speaker 03

  You did?

• 58:54Bert Kreischer?

  For, for a TV show.

• 58:55Speaker 03

  He was wild.

• 58:57Bert Kreischer?

  He showed up in slides, no socks. And wild feet.

• 59:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, but yeah, they all have banged up feet, dude.

• 59:05Bert Kreischer?

  Bang'd up feet.

• 59:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:07Bert Kreischer?

  He was great. He was, I, I think at the time he was smoking like 100 cigars a day.

• 59:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, he was, there's nothing like him.

• 59:15Bert Kreischer?

  LT was the shit. Um, uh, you know, I, it stinks that like, like Kyle's a huge football fan. We're going to London to go see the Jags.

• 59:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:27Bert Kreischer?

  In, in a couple of weeks. And I'm really excited, but he's a huge football fan. But I'd be shocked if he knew who Walter Payton is. Do you know who that is, Kyle?

• 59:37Bert Kreischer?

  What?

• 59:39Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah. Do, yeah. Do you know who he is? You ever seen him play? Do you, do you know what his nickname was?

• 59:47Bert Kreischer?

  Tom, do you know Walter, Walter Payton's nickname?

• 59:49Speaker 03

  Sweetness? Easy. Yeah.

• 59:52Bert Kreischer?

  Easy.

• 59:52Speaker 03

  I couldn't hear anything he said, though.

• 59:54Bert Kreischer?

  He's, he's like, Walter Payton, the guy they name the award after?

• 59:57Speaker 03

  Well.

• 59:59Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:59Bert Kreischer?

  But like, watching Walter Payton, those highlights worked fucking.

• 1:00:05Speaker 03

  To me, though, if you're talking about something that we've never, like, we've seen other people run with the ball well since Walter Payton, but we've never seen anything even close to Barry Sanders.

• 1:00:21Bert Kreischer?

  Barry Sanders was the shit.

• 1:00:23Speaker 03

  There's nothing like it. There's nothing that comes close to it.

• 1:00:28Bert Kreischer?

  I'll tell you, as a Bucks fan, there's two things I remember, I distinctly remember. I remember a bunch. I remember a bunch. I remember watching the Refrigerator Perry run in for a touchdown.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:40Bert Kreischer?

  As a kid, my dad sits, buddy, stand up. You're gonna want to see this. And I said, what? And he goes, they're giving it to the big guy. They call him the fridge. He's like 600 pounds. Watch this. And he went through that line.

• 1:00:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:53Bert Kreischer?

  I remember that. And I remember watching, um, uh, Barry Sanders, because he was the Lions. We played the Lions. We, that was our division growing up. And he was, I mean, just, and he was tiny compared to them.

• 1:01:09Speaker 03

  I would, I'll goon to Barry Sanders highlights for sure, all day.

• 1:01:12Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're incredible. I mean, there's still, they don't make any sense at all. It's like nine guys will touch him and they can't bring him down. It's fucking so stupid.

• 1:01:22Bert Kreischer?

  I saw Walter Payton play. I saw Jim McMahon play. I saw Fran Tarkenton was like, I was like, I thought he was, I saw him throw a pass from his ass to the end zone in the rain. And I was like, what? Doug Williams was my hero.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  Primetime, dude. What about Deion?

• 1:01:38Bert Kreischer?

  Primetime.

• 1:01:39Speaker 03

  Incredible.

• 1:01:40Bert Kreischer?

  God, he was so electric.

• 1:01:43Speaker 03

  The fucking greatest. I loved, I mean, I would watch any game he was in, I would watch just to see what might happen. Yeah. He was like that. The best, dude. Who is that now?

• 1:01:55Bert Kreischer?

  Who's like that? What's that? Who's like that? That's what I was gonna say. I mean, Tom Brady was pretty great.

• 1:02:00Speaker 03

  Oh, great quarterback.

• 1:02:01Bert Kreischer?

  A real dynasty. Tom Brady, Gronk, Edelman.

• 1:02:04Speaker 03

  When it was a two-minute drill, he was something, it was like, they might do this. And they did it a lot.

• 1:02:09Bert Kreischer?

  Better yet, who's better at the two-minute drill in your opinion? John Elway or Tom Brady?

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  Oof. I mean, ultimately, I think Brady has it up on him, even though Elway was incredible. Elway had the crazier arm, but, but as far as running that two-minute drill, I think it goes to Brady, dude.

• 1:02:26Bert Kreischer?

  Do you remember, now, we're, what, four years difference, five years difference? But do you remember?

• 1:02:35Speaker 03

  You and I?

• 1:02:36Bert Kreischer?

  Sundays, and Sundays when John Elway.

• 1:02:38Speaker 03

  What are you talking about? Go ahead.

• 1:02:40Bert Kreischer?

  Five years difference.

• 1:02:40Speaker 03

  Seven. Go ahead.

• 1:02:42Bert Kreischer?

  I keep looking at you and I get confused.

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:45Bert Kreischer?

  John Elway would run those two-minute drills on a Sunday when my, my mom was making dinner, because those were later games, because they were in Denver.

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:53Bert Kreischer?

  And so they'd be at like, 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock on a Sunday. And it would be, or maybe 7 o'clock. And it would, and you knew you had school the next day. And it, and the sun is just hitting that stadium halfway. It was just halfway filled with the sun. And you're like, all right. And he's covered in mud. He's got mud in his helmet. And you're like, let's see if John Elway can do it this time. That energy. Oh, I fucking look for that in life. That's why I drink.

• 1:03:18Speaker 03

  That's why you drink. There you go.

• 1:03:20Bert Kreischer?

  Blocked punts, two-minute drills, fucking fake, fake punts, a, a drop kick free, uh, uh, you see the drop kick, uh,

• 1:03:30Bert Kreischer?

  All sides kicked the other day, last week?

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  No, I missed.

• 1:03:33Bert Kreischer?

  Oh my god, like that shit. I get so excited for that shit.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  No, it's, yeah, there's, the excitement of watching those guys is the fucking greatest, dude. It's the greatest.

• 1:03:44Bert Kreischer?

  Maybe you should do that as a single guy. Get really, really into sports.

• 1:03:48Speaker 03

  I'm, no, I don't think so.

• 1:03:50Bert Kreischer?

  Just go, just travel every weekend and do what Gillis is doing. Go every fucking weekend to every fucking game. He is like, he's like, almost like a Make-A-Wish kid with fucking sports.

• 1:03:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, he does. He goes to a lot of-

• 1:04:00Bert Kreischer?

  He's at every game that he wants to go to.

• 1:04:03Speaker 03

  It's fucking great. I think it's a great thing to do.

• 1:04:08Speaker 03

  He is less-

• 1:04:08Bert Kreischer?

  That's, I mean, look, you're, you're, dude, you prepare half the time. Fucking live some life, have some Tommy time.

• 1:04:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, you're right. I should, I should.

• 1:04:18Bert Kreischer?

  You should do a new web series called Tommy Time.

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  Tommy Time.

• 1:04:22Bert Kreischer?

  Where you grow and you learn things about yourself and you go very, you go to an anger management coach.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:04:29Bert Kreischer?

  You go to, you go to, uh, you, you take sailing, Tommy Time.

• 1:04:34Speaker 03

  Tommy Time, sailing lessons?

• 1:04:35Bert Kreischer?

  And this is, this is a series for divorced dads.

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  Uh, skincare.

• 1:04:40Bert Kreischer?

  Skincare, yeah, you go to Turkey, you got hair replacements.

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  They, they pitched me, they're like, you're a perfect candidate.

• 1:04:49Bert Kreischer?

  Are you, let me see, what's your hair look like right now?

• 1:04:51Speaker 03

  Dude, it's so full everywhere but here and they're like, that's why you're a good candidate.

• 1:04:56Bert Kreischer?

  For real?

• 1:04:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:57Bert Kreischer?

  Let me see, let me see, let me see.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  Here, I'll give you the peek.

• 1:05:03Bert Kreischer?

  Oh no, go up, go up. Wait, you, you, you're not losing it that bad, Tom.

• 1:05:07Speaker 03

  What?

• 1:05:08Bert Kreischer?

  You're not losing it that bad.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, I am, obviously, there's nothing here.

• 1:05:11Bert Kreischer?

  I think you have the same amount of hair I have.

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  Hmm?

• 1:05:15Bert Kreischer?

  I think we have the same amount of hair.

• 1:05:17Speaker 03

  What?

• 1:05:19Bert Kreischer?

  Nothing.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:05:21Bert Kreischer?

  I said, I think we have the same amount of hair.

• 1:05:23Speaker 03

  Now, yours is more missing here, though.

• 1:05:25Bert Kreischer?

  Mine's more missing here.

• 1:05:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, mine's missing here.

• 1:05:29Bert Kreischer?

  Oh.

• 1:05:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:31Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, you're the perfect candidate. You could fill in real easy. And you got thick back hair, like the, the back head of your head.

• 1:05:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:37Bert Kreischer?

  Is really thick.

• 1:05:38Speaker 03

  Yep, there we go, man. New look.

• 1:05:41Bert Kreischer?

  I mean, what are we doing?

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  Should I do the full replacement and then just shave all the time?

• 1:05:47Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, dude, it's, you're entering a new, this is your salad days. It's a new part of your life.

• 1:05:54Speaker 03

  Okay, cool.

• 1:05:55Bert Kreischer?

  I think you get, you started off with hair transplants.

• 1:05:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:58Bert Kreischer?

  You started off with hair transplants, you, I mean, I told, I've been telling everyone, just so you're, we're clear, just, and so you're not blindsided by it.

• 1:06:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:05Bert Kreischer?

  That you're living in an apartment just outside San Antonio.

• 1:06:08Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 1:06:09Bert Kreischer?

  Someone's like, someone's like, how's, everyone says to me, how's Tommy doing? And I go, not good, man, not good.

• 1:06:16Speaker 03

  Thanks, bro.

• 1:06:16Bert Kreischer?

  He's living in an apartment just outside San Antonio.

• 1:06:18Speaker 03

  And they're like, wow, there's no way they doubt that, right? They're like, damn, that sucks, dude.

• 1:06:23Bert Kreischer?

  Rob Lowe is like, are you serious? I was like, yeah.

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  Cool.

• 1:06:28Bert Kreischer?

  He was like, Rob was like, thank god I never got divorced. I was like, me either, Rob.

• 1:06:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:33Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, I tell everyone, you're living in an apartment outside San Antonio. It's a pretty sad apartment. It's an efficiency.

• 1:06:38Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:06:39Bert Kreischer?

  You're making all your meals by yourself.

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:41Bert Kreischer?

  You don't have a trainer anymore.

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:44Bert Kreischer?

  No more personal assistant, no flying lessons, just you, walking down to Target, getting dinner.

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  Getting dinner at Target?

• 1:06:52Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:53Speaker 03

  On a microwave. Let's see the back of your head.

• 1:06:55Bert Kreischer?

  Nope.

• 1:06:56Speaker 03

  Why?

• 1:06:57Bert Kreischer?

  I can't, I have a neck problem right now.

• 1:06:59Speaker 03

  Show me.

• 1:07:00Bert Kreischer?

  Nope.

• 1:07:00Speaker 03

  Don't be like that, come on.

• 1:07:03Bert Kreischer?

  Nope.

• 1:07:04Speaker 03

  Show. What are you doing?

• 1:07:06Bert Kreischer?

  Will not, guys, you're cutting out, I think we're at 105. This has been a great episode, Tommy.

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  Bro, you're not gonna show it, really?

• 1:07:10Bert Kreischer?

  No, I will not show you.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  Why?

• 1:07:12Bert Kreischer?

  Cause I'm not going to, cause I, I have, my hair is a mess right now.

• 1:07:15Speaker 03

  Just show it. It's fucking hair. You're not a chick. Show the back.

• 1:07:19Bert Kreischer?

  Nope, it was good talking to you, Tommy, I love you.

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  Holy shit, you're like a girl.

• 1:07:22Bert Kreischer?

  Tommy, I love you so much. You're cutting out, eh, we lost volume again.

• 1:07:26Speaker 03

  You're like a guy who's like, don't worry about my age. I'm 80. And you're like, just fucking-

• 1:07:31Bert Kreischer?

  Guys, check out his new series, Tommy Time.

• 1:07:33Speaker 03

  Unbelievable.

• 1:07:36Bert Kreischer?

  Tune in for, eh, you know what we should do, Tom?

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  Show your hair?

• 1:07:39Bert Kreischer?

  We should do a fight companion to the live execution.

• 1:07:42Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 1:07:45Speaker 03

  Such a good idea.

• 1:07:46Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, we'll stream it live, like, we'll give our takes and then-

• 1:07:49Speaker 03

  I mean, it's gonna be about three seconds, so we have to do some pre-show and post-show, right?

• 1:07:53Bert Kreischer?

  We'll do a pre-show and post-show and, you know, and we'll play the assassination, not the assassination, the, uh, the, we'll play the death over and over. We'll just get, you know, like, slow-mo, we're pretty sure it was shooter number seven.

• 1:08:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:06Bert Kreischer?

  Yeah, and then, and then, yeah, I think we do a live stream. Guys, tune into our live stream. There's, uh, there's seats, there's cabins still available on Fully Loaded at Sea.

• 1:08:16Speaker 03

  I can't believe you're this-

• 1:08:17Bert Kreischer?

  Permission to Party World Tour is happening right now, Tom's Preposterous Tour starts in October. When does it start? January?

• 1:08:24Speaker 03

  Do you think some people are gonna be baffled?

• 1:08:25Bert Kreischer?

  January, when does it start? January?

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's January, yeah.

• 1:08:27Bert Kreischer?

  January, and his new movie Golf Trip is wrapping up.

• 1:08:30Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 1:08:30Bert Kreischer?

  I'm really happy for you, Tom.

• 1:08:31Speaker 03

  Thanks, buddy.

• 1:08:32Bert Kreischer?

  Uh, I love you to death.

• 1:08:34Speaker 03

  I love you too, man. Have a good show. Where are you tonight?

• 1:08:37Bert Kreischer?

  I'm in Philadelphia at the Met. Uh, I'm gonna be in, uh, San Antonio. I'm gonna see you in a couple of weeks.

• 1:08:42Speaker 03

  In San Antonio?

• 1:08:43Bert Kreischer?

  I'll be in San Antonio. I'd love to stay at your apartment with you, just outside San Antonio.

• 1:08:47Speaker 03

  And then?

• 1:08:47Bert Kreischer?

  Corpus Christi, McAllen, Texas, I just added, and Lubbock, Texas.

• 1:08:52Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 1:08:53Bert Kreischer?

  And then I'll be in London. If you're in London, come holler at your boy. Hit me up in the DMs. We'll go have a beer somewhere.

• 1:08:58Speaker 03

  Sweet.

• 1:08:59Bert Kreischer?

  I love that shit.

• 1:09:00Speaker 03

  All right, I'm gonna grow this out.

• 1:09:01Bert Kreischer?

  Grow it out, Tom. I think it's gonna look good. And by the way, you should totally get hair transplants.

• 1:09:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, and you should.

• 1:09:06Bert Kreischer?

  And we can do a GoFundMe if, if money's tight, we can do a GoFundMe.

• 1:09:09Speaker 03

  I would love to start one. And definitely, everyone's fooled by your beanie. No one thinks that you're missing hair.

• 1:09:18Bert Kreischer?

  Full head of hair, everybody. I'll be, uh, on stage with a full head of hair tonight.

• 1:09:21Speaker 03

  Okay, all right. Love you. Good night, goodbye, dude.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 1:09:51Speaker 05

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy.

• 1:10:00Speaker 05

  That family wasn't real.

• 1:10:02Speaker 06

  You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 1:10:07Speaker 00

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest.

• 1:10:11Speaker 04

  Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy.

• 1:10:15Speaker 00

  Now streaming on Disney+.