The Most Delusional Man In Comedy | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

SPONSORS: Head to https://BlueChew.com and buy two months of BlueChew Gold you get the third FREE with promo code BEARS. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trustpilot rating as of 6/1/2025. This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Get 10% off your first month. Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to explore your payment options. Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears Sign up now and join over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Head to https://acorns.com/bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See https://acorns.com/terms for details. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 342 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:09 - Football, The Metric System, & Catching Strays 00:09:13 - Tom Belongs In Cocoon 00:16:07 - One-Drink Bert & The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge 00:28:11 - Club Runs, Zach Bryan, & The Pillow Debate 00:33:20 - Goodwill Listening & The Gillette Stadium Beef 00:37:15 - Bert Asks Claude To Pick A Side 00:44:10 - "Do You Need Readers, Ma'am?" 00:46:58 - Pretty Privilege & Bert's Seatbelt Extender 00:50:31 - Ari Emanuel's Memoir & The Quan Millz Universe 00:58:24 - Animating Bert's Dreams & Tom Cruise's Digger 01:05:23 - Oppenheimer On A Phone & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. Let's see that fucking head of hair, Tommy.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Let's see it.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  I'm dying to see this thing.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  I love it. I love it. So it's obvious you've been celibate since the separation.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:20Speaker 00

  With that fucking.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  And the beard, too. There were so many people that were like, chin strap? This is what you're going for?

• 0:29Speaker 00

  Oh, hysterical. I love it.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  And I was like, I think we said I'm doing a movie on the last one. Okay, yeah, I'm still doing the movie.

• 0:38Speaker 00

  People, actually, I was in the comments. I wasn't in the comments. I have someone read the comments. I just, just the positive ones. And they were like, Tom's, I like Tom's facial hair. It looks good. I like bold choices.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  It's, it's, it's jet black in the movie, too.

• 0:53Speaker 00

  I saw the picture, John Stamos picture sent out. He said, he said, I'm just putting this out there and then we'll change subjects immediately.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Giving off hangover vibes.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Is that what he said?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  That's what he said.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  It's a fun movie, dude. It's really fun. John's great.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Don't talk about it ever again. We'll never talk about it again. We'll talk about it when it comes out. We'll talk about it when it comes out.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Don't want to spoil it.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Where are you right now?

• 1:17Speaker 00

  I am in Cleveland, Ohio.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Rocket Center Mortgage Arena. Rocket, so more, you know what I am.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, those names are so inspiring, man, that the arenas go with now.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  It's crazy.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  It used to be like.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Lea Acoca.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Now it's like FedEx Field and you're like, Jesus Christ.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  I liked, I liked like Three Rivers Stadium, you know?

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  The, the big sombrero in Tampa.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  How long you been back on tour?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  I'm on tour for the next, I'm, I'm gone for a straight month. And then I stay out most of November, most of December. And then I got a crazy tour. I'm announcing, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna do it, but I have a crazy tour idea that I'm doing.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  You told me about it.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, that is gonna be fucking insane. And then, and then I'm gonna shoot a movie and then go back out on tour and get ready to shoot this special. Hey, you just announced a tour. Congratulations.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  I did. I announced a tour.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  Platypus? What's it called?

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Preposterous.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Preposterous. I'm sorry. I didn't have my readers on.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  I, I, I did. It's the same thing, by the way. This is nothing new. Every time you announce a, uh, the leg of a tour, people are like, how come you're not coming to this city? And you're like, I am, just not yet. So I'm sure you're in the middle of that right now.

• 2:37Speaker 00

  I wonder when this lighting is gonna change, because I'm sure everyone's getting a stroke, having fucking epilepsy in the back.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  That is crazy.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Hey Kyle, can you get them to fix the lighting so it's not fucking thunderstorms?

• 2:50Speaker 01

  It looks nuts.

• 2:51Speaker 00

  It looks insane. So wait, what were you gonna say about your tour?

• 2:54Speaker 01

  No, no, it's just that the first leg is up. So right now I've announced January through May. And then sometime in the spring, I'll announce the second leg and so on and so forth. So it'll go on for a couple of years, as they always do.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, they go on forever. Do you remember when we were kids and you never, didn't have a tour?

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  I miss it a little bit.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. How are you gonna keep doing this, man?

• 3:16Speaker 00

  I'm having, uh, I'm having weird depression with this, uh, with touring, because it's changed. It's changed so much and like, it's, I'm not saying like it's a job, but like, man, my first theater tour, I was so excited. My first arena tour, I was so excited. And now I'm just like, I'm, I'm still excited for the material and stuff, but I miss the, I miss the like, the newness of it, you know?

• 3:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, you've been doing it a long time, dude.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  You were doing it a long time. How, um, how many shows are you doing a week right now?

• 3:49Speaker 00

  I'm doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then, uh, I fly to Dallas Monday. I fly to London on another Monday. I'm doing the New York Food and Wine Festival. And I'm like, I'm kinda packed with my schedule, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And then fly in, do the show Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It's like, like old school when we used to do Two Bears in Austin.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. But I mean, are you doing, are you doing shows in London or a festival?

• 4:14Speaker 00

  I'm going to the NFL game. It's kinda complicated, but I have a thing that I've, I'm going over for that.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  To promote?

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Uh, no, it's a long story.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm going to the NFL game in, uh, in London. I'm kind of excited.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  That should be fun. Who's playing?

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Uh, Jacksonville Jaguars and the Texans. Have you seen, did you see the Ravens game that came down to a field goal?

• 4:38Speaker 01

  I saw bits and pieces of it.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  What's crazy to me, Tom, is that I like that we're, I like that we're broad, broadening out with like, uh, the NFL going to different countries. I like that. I kinda hope that team, we got a London team, you know? We got an Australia team. That would be a fucking nightmare, but like, a Mexico City team, it would be, or at least send the Raiders to Mexico City.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  You have to.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  But I.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  Send them home.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Part of me says like, I kinda, it's kinda weird watching a game that comes down to the end of the line, where it's decided by a field goal and no one in this audience is invested.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  No one in the stands?

• 5:19Speaker 00

  No one cheered.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  They didn't?

• 5:21Speaker 00

  No, they just were like, alright, it's time to get playing.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Crazy. They didn't go crazy?

• 5:27Speaker 00

  No, it was just like.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  Oh, alright. Was that the Aussie one or the Brazil? I thought that was in Brazil.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  It was the one that just was, Kyle, where did the Ravens play? It was in Brazil and they were like, alright, footy.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Foot, in Brazil?

• 5:44Speaker 01

  They had a bunch of Aussies there? Man, you don't know geography. It's amazing.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Brazil, Brazil, Brazil, Brazil, Brazil.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  I think that game was in Rio.

• 5:52Speaker 00

  Was it?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  They were so excited about the field goal. They were like, finally.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Finally he's using his foot.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. Finally we get it, dude. Finally.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  They've been using their hands. What the fuck is wrong with these animals?

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Everyone hates that we call it football outside of our country. They hate it.

• 6:11Speaker 00

  It's kinda crazy when you think of the, there's only like two places in the world that still use the metric system the way we do. And I think it's like, it's like fucking Sierra Leone and us.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  That don't use the metric system?

• 6:26Speaker 00

  The only people that use the metric system, like us, is us and like Sierra Leone. What is the other place? Cameroon?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  What does that say? Can you see that?

• 6:39Speaker 01

  It says, only the United States, Liberia and Myanmar are widely cited as the primary countries that have not adopted the metric system. Yeah.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  By the way, two places that are pretty prone for a revolution.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Well, three, yeah. I think we're on our way to one, so it kinda makes sense.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  Liberia is a great place to vacation, I think.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Really?

• 7:04Speaker 00

  I'm joking.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Okay. And what, Myanmar?

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Myanmar had, I think they had a, like an ethnic cleansing.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Dude, we are due for it. It's about to happen.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  You think so?

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Don't you think, don't you feel like things are tipping in this country?

• 7:19Speaker 00

  I don't know. I don't, I'm not, I don't see, like, I see.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Does the road feel normal?

• 7:25Speaker 00

  No, the road feels normal to me.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Really?

• 7:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  You don't sense anything different?

• 7:31Speaker 00

  I don't, but I don't talk about politics or.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Crowds are the same?

• 7:35Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Crowds are the same?

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, they look like me. They take their shirts off like with me.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, I don't, I catch, I caught, I catch some snares here and like, what, flares? What is it called when, flares? What's it called when you get hit by strapping L?

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Strays. I catch some strays every now and then, like, uh, some comic, I don't know, some comic was like, well, I, I was just literally on threads, because I clicked on the link to see something about Jon Stewart. And then the first comics was like, would Bert Kreischer please put his fucking shirt back on? And I was like, I don't need that in my life. I was like.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  That was the first comment?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  The first fucking thing. And I was like, Jesus Christ, like fuck you. I didn't know the guy. Some comic, I wish I could give him a shout out. It's the best, but. So I catch, I catch some, uh, strays here and there, and I see strays like, okay, like I, I, I'm trying to get what you're going at. Like they're attacking Pete Davidson for something I couldn't really wrap my head around?

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Can you explain that to me?

• 8:39Speaker 01

  I guess he did an interview where he, um, was talking about influencers. That's, that's really what I got. And he was like, they get paid all this money to just fucking essentially do nothing? And I, and I guess a lot of people got mad at that. I don't know. I don't get mad about a lot. Just kinda let people do their thing. Don't care.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, that would have never, that would have never jumped on my radar. Also, I mean, not to, I mean, I'm sure I'll get in trouble for, is that Pete Davidson?

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's a, I think, an old photo.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Wow. That's what his hair looks like when they, he grows it out?

• 9:17Speaker 01

  It's a nice mop.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  He's got blue eyes. Are you sure that's not AI?

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Completely. I'm growing it out, Bert.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  I think you should and put it in a ponytail.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Now that I got this start, yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 00

  There was a, a link I sent to Annie or to Zolo about how, um, today's stars at 35 look so much younger than yesterday's stars at 35. And you're quite the opposite. You look so much like an, a throwback, like a Kelsey Grammer or a Brian Dennehy. Because you look old as shit at, what are you, 49?

• 9:50Speaker 01

  47.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  47. You look like 59. You look like you could be in Cocoon. Like, look at this. This is Betty Davis at 55, 57, and that's Dua Lipa, or not Dua Lipa, Jennifer Lopez.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 10:04Speaker 00

  Look at that. Look at that. Debbie Reynolds at 59, Nicole Kidman at 50. I mean, it's not even, they don't even look like the same fucking creature.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  How do you think you, do you think you look your age?

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Buddy, I'm, I look incredible. I look phenomenal.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  From someone?

• 10:19Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 10:20Speaker 01

  You've actually heard another person say that?

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Everyone says, everyone always says to me, you're 53? Holy shit, how old is Tom? And I go, he's like 49. And they're like, he looks so much older. He's got 365.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Look at this. Betty Davis at 37, Emma Stone. That's the same age.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  Same age. I know. It's mind blowing.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  And you're the only one where like, go to Brian Dennehy, keep scrolling, find a guy in here.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Look at that.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Brian Dennehy at 43, and you actually look your age. Like you don't look anything like Henry Cavill.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  I think I do look a lot like him, actually.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  I think in the face we look a lot alike.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  We do. I mean, we don't have the same hair, but other than that, it's pretty much a match.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Find, find, find the cast of Cocoon, okay?

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Cast of Cocoon? Find the cast of Cocoon.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Look at Wilford Brimley in Cocoon. Find them in Cocoon. They're all like, they're like 47 years old.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  They're like 41.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  I know, and you look like you could have been in Cocoon.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  I like how you separate yourself.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Dude, I look incredible.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  This is all your delusion. You always thought you looked incredible. Like, you've, there's never been a time where you don't think you look incredible. And you're the only one who says that. There's no one who's repeating what you're saying. Not one person.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  This is so you. You could play this part tomorrow.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Buddy, you look like 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Look, is that a picture of you and Julian? Or that's him in the movie. I'm sorry.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  That's yeah. I love that you're separating yourself as if, like, you're a vision of health.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  You look like Wilford Brimley.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  You're a bloated carcass.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  You look like Wil.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  You don't look good, Bert. There's no one who looks at you.

• 12:23Speaker 00

  Pull up Robert Redford at 55, and I'll see what I look like.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Bro.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  Robert Redford at 55. This is me.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  You look at someone at the, like, they're at their end of their life.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  God damn it. I thought I was, I swear to God, I thought that was me.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  You did, I know.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Dude, look at my forearms.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  But people look at you and they think of hospice care. Like, they don't look at you and go, that guy looks good.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  Look at this slim face.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  This is what happens when you don't take care of yourself.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  Jawline right there.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  I know you're darkening your stuff there.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Look at that, look at that, look at that good looking guy. Look at this body. Are you fucking serious? And then if I push it out really hard. Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you. I've had some times where I don't look good. Okay? Okay, let's stop scrolling on me.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  Now's the time that you do.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Stop scrolling on me. No, no, no, no, no, we're good, we're good, we're good.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Go down, down, down.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  That one, hit that one. That one's good.

• 13:14Speaker 00

  I've had some moments. That's me at 275.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  I fluctuate.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  I still look good.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I still look good. Look at that, full head of hair.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Santa.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  Dark beard.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Santa Claus, man.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Fucking barrel chested like an athlete.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Uh huh. Holy shit, man.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  Fucking, that guy benched 325 pounds. Isn't that crazy?

• 13:38Speaker 01

  If you showed most people this photo, there's no way they would think he's alive. There's no way they'd be like, that guy's still alive. If you're like, that was a year ago. They'd be like, when, and then was that his memorial service? Like, no one thinks that guy's alive.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Do you know there's people fatter?

• 13:55Speaker 01

  A handful, but not a lot.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Not a handful.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. They're also all dead.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  You are delusional. You should.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  I'm delusional.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  You should, wait, do you, how, it's because you've had your hair dyed too long in this movie. You gotta check out, like, go to, go to Tom's, when you, oh, look at that guy.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, man.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  Fucking jacked. I'm so jacked right now.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Right now?

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Dude, I'm in, I just ran a mile in, one, two. In, we did a mile in seven minutes and 30 seconds. Look at that fucking guy.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  I mean,

• 14:40Speaker 00

  I got, I've got like what it's, I think what I have is like range.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Range in appearance?

• 14:46Speaker 00

  In appearance, like, I can go, I'm like Mark Wahlberg. I can be like the big barrel chested bouncer, like Guido guy. And then I can go skinny waif, like Henry Cavill, model superhero.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  No one's ever, ever, there, you are the most delusional person in standup, though. You know that, right?

• 15:05Speaker 00

  I'm not.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  You're the most delusional.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Well, first of all, let's, okay, let's, let's preface this. All comedians need to be a little delusional to believe they can do it, correct?

• 15:14Speaker 01

  Yes, you take it to a whole other level.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  I'm, I may take it further than, say, uh, fucking, uh, Krista Stefano, right? But I'm, I'm trying to think of someone who's pretty delusional, but.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Wait, you think there's a standup more delusional than you?

• 15:31Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  About what? You're more, you're delusional about everything.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  No. I'm very based in reality. I'm very based in reality.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Buddy, as your friend who cares a lot about you, I've never seen somebody more delusional.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Look at you.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  And you're delusional about.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Look at you, in this pic, that's Kurt Metzger. Oh, my God. Kurt Metzger looks younger. How old's Kurt Metzger?

• 15:55Speaker 01

  He's older.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Is he really? He looks good compared to you. He's 49?

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  Young Kurt Metzger. Are you still smoking cigarettes?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  What's your health regimen look like?

• 16:15Speaker 01

  Are you still drinking a half a gallon of vodka a day?

• 16:18Speaker 00

  No, I don't, Tom. I don't.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  You said you're back to drinking?

• 16:21Speaker 00

  I'm very measured. I was just telling Annie, I can have a drink or two, but that's it.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  That's it?

• 16:27Speaker 00

  That's all I drink, really.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  One or two?

• 16:29Speaker 00

  Maybe, if I have two, I have to go to bed.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  So two's your max?

• 16:35Speaker 00

  Um, pretty much.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Pretty much?

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. You know, as a matter of fact, I just talked about it in therapy. I'm gonna stop telling the people, hey, did you notice how little I drank? Because I don't need to say that anymore. I've already proved it to myself.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Cause you've been saying it a lot?

• 16:51Speaker 00

  I've been saying it a lot. Anytime I, I like, I go, the other day, I did a podcast and some, and the, the lady doing the podcast, it was her podcast. She was like, would you like a glass of whiskey? I've always wanted to be the guy who could have a glass of whiskey in the middle of the afternoon and not have another one. But I've never been that guy. And I said, y'all have a glass of whiskey? It was a nice Asian whiskey, a Japanese whiskey. And I had a glass, and that was it. I went home, I got on the treadmill, and I ran. And then I went to bed. I got some recovery.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's normal.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. I'm, I'm now a normal drinker.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  But I mean, most people don't point that out. They just do.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  I know, I know that. And I brought that up in therapy.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  There's a lot I'm working on.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Did you notice how I had one drink?

• 17:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  No one says that.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  No one says that, I know, but I, I know that. But I'm working on, that's, I just said, I'm gonna stop doing that because normal people don't do that. And I do that all the time. BlueChew is the official sponsor of the Two Bears One Cave podcast with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura. You know what else BlueChew should sponsor? That look your girl gives you when she's ready for another round? And that text she sends to your neighbor saying, oh, my God. I'm sorry for the noise last night. We were watching a scary movie that kept scaring me and scaring me. And it scared me so bad that the dog started barking. The official, BlueChew, the official sponsor of your downstairs neighbors banging on the ceiling going, shut the fuck up. That's right. BlueChew Gold is making the bedroom noisy again with four powerful ingredients.

• 18:18Speaker 00

  Two for blood flow and two for arousal. Enter into a new era of stress-free sex with the number one brand for better sex. No in-person doctor visits, no waiting in waiting rooms. Just a simple online process and bam. You'll be blowing bedposts out like never before. Experience it yourself at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third month free with promo code BEARS. That's promo code BEARS. You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we'd like to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  I don't know if you're seeing it the way I am, but online, I feel like people are, we're losing people left and right. And in my private life, feels like losses everywhere. If you don't have life insurance, you're, you're screwing up big time. Especially if you're a dude and you're 30 years old and you're starting a family. I, I'm just telling you my path. I didn't have it. My dad convinced me to get it, and I'm so glad I got it. Listen to me right now. Ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy and is 100% online. You can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and get same-day coverage. There is no medical exam. You just answer a few simple health questions and you get up to $3 million in coverage. Some policies are as low as $30 a month. And you'll get your lowest rate from their network of trusted carriers.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Take 10 minutes, 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com/bears. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash bears. Application times may vary, rates may vary. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp. Insurance options may now be available nationwide with the, with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. Your mental health does not know it's World Mental Health Day. Stress does not politely wait until October 10th. Burnout does not RSVP.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  And your brain definitely does not check the calendar before deciding it's gonna spiral at 11:47 PM. Mental health is a part of regular life. Buddy, if you've heard me speak in the last month, you know my mental health is teetering.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  I've talked about it on stage, I've talked it on podcasts, and I just wanna share that my business partner's mental health is, is doing great. He's doing great, but that's not because he doesn't have a therapist. Therapy isn't just for big life choices. It can be a place to talk through smaller things, and they're not little things. Don't just blow them off. They all add up and they all build up. And, and talking in therapy can help. If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks. And eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or don't live in the United States, well, you can still get 10% off your first month. Visit betterhelp.com/bears to explore your payment options.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Do you think people look at you and they go, goals? Goals, man?

• 21:37Speaker 00

  Yes, yes. Yes, I think, I think there is a tremendous amount of people that look at me and go, that seems fun.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  That seems fun.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would love to have that life.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, that's, now you're broadening it to something else.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  What's goals? What's goals?

• 21:53Speaker 01

  They just look at you and they go, I wanna look like that.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  I think, I think people look at my body right now and they go, god damn. Like, can I tell you this thing everyone says?

• 22:02Speaker 01

  God damn.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  They go, god damn, he, like, last night I made a joke. Cause I was like, you know, I got to, I mean, I look so good that when I get on stage, I have to address it. Cause people are, they're confused. They're like, who, like, what's happening?

• 22:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:15Speaker 00

  And so I, I said last night, I lost 50 pounds, but I'm still fat. And someone's like, not at all. You look amazing, Bert. You look so good. And I was like, hey, stop. He's like, no, your shoulders are superior.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:29Speaker 00

  If I wore a shirt on stage, I think it would be distracting.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Distracting?

• 22:34Speaker 00

  Cause I look, in clothes, I look incredible.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  I mean, you're wearing clothes now.

• 22:40Speaker 00

  I have some fucking sloppy hoodie.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  I'm about to go to the gym. I just ran a mile, did 100 pushups.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Great, man.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. What's your workout look like these days?

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Is it those Burt pushups?

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Wow, you're firing hot today, huh?

• 22:56Speaker 01

  I mean, those are just like, you're like, watch me do pushups. Watch me do pullups.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  I do.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Those are cool, man. 000000. I'd like to see what your workaround is for this mile.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  I ran it in the arena.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  40 pushups is the lung, 28 days.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  What year is this?

• 23:20Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  40 pushups is the lung.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  Here we go. One, two, full range, three, four, full range. Full range. Yeah, look at that. Look at that.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Those are full range. God, it's so funny. I can bang out 50 now so easy.

• 23:42Speaker 03

  All the way, Bert. Nine. Forty.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Forty, that's crazy. That was in Alaska. I remember those pushups.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Wait, was that back in the 100 a day thing?

• 23:55Speaker 00

  That was when we were doing 100 a day.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's pretty cool.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  We need a challenge, Tom. We need to bring, we need to bring a challenge back into our lives.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  It's October right now. Do you want to just do the rest of the month sober?

• 24:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, done. Easy. I could do it easy.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. You think so? Total sobriety?

• 24:16Speaker 00

  No, I can't do that. I'm going to fucking London.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  What does that mean?

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Who could what? Who could do the most pushups by November? That would be me. I'm, I'm physically, I'm, and I'm superior to Tom in every way, like physically.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  He can't do even five good pushups, but yeah.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Tom, Tom.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  You can't do five good pushups. Five.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  You have what they call Ozempic body. Like your, your muscles deteriorated. I'm a Manjaro guy. I'm not on the GLP1s. My muscle, my muscle's still there. I am, I am, I benched 265 for four rounds of three the other day. I'm so fucking strong, it's crazy.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  Those numbers keep going down, but you're on GLP.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  They are going down.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm not on them.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  What, what, what, what are you, what's your workout look like? A little bit of the elliptical for 15?

• 25:11Speaker 01

  No.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  What does your workout look like?

• 25:14Speaker 01

  In the gym?

• 25:15Speaker 00

  Oh, you go to, where do you do it? In your hotel room?

• 25:18Speaker 01

  No, I have a fucking personal gym. What are you talking about?

• 25:21Speaker 00

  Okay, so what's your workout look like?

• 25:23Speaker 01

  Dude, I don't think you could, I've done a workout with you where you were like, we do circuits. And then you're like, press pause on that timer. Hold on a second. You don't even stick to it. I don't think you could do any of the workouts. You do Burt style workouts. You're like, these circuits are hard, man. Hold on, hey, press pause on that. I gotta catch my breath. I'm like, yeah, that's part of the, the circuit, right?

• 25:47Speaker 00

  Bullshit.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Dude, I did it with you. I was like, oh, this is how he does it. That's cool. Press pause. Hey, Kyle, hit pause on that. Fuck, man, this is hard. I'm like, okay, so you don't do it on the clock?

• 25:59Speaker 00

  All right. Fucking strength wise, I've got you. Cardiovascular, I've got you.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Pushups. You can't do pushups. You can't do pushups. So you wouldn't do the pushup thing.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Easy.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  You can't do a single full range pushup, dude.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  I'll tell you what I'm gonna do today. I'm gonna go to the gym right after this. I'm gonna put on a pair of jeans, cause I like working out in arenas in jeans, like RFK Jr.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  And I'm gonna do the bench press pushup challenge.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  The bench press pushup challenge.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  So you do 135 one time.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  And then one pushup. Then 135 two times, then two pushups. And I'm gonna see how far I can get.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  And then you see how far you can get. We'll see who wins.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  I, I'm down.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  Okay?

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  I'll text you my number so you have a goal of what you're aiming for.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Well, I know what, that you'll text me a number. It'd be cool if you actually could do the execution of what you're proposing well.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  I'm gonna film it. I'll film it and I'll post it. I'll film it and I'll post it on Instagram. This comes out Monday. I'm posting it Monday afternoon.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  And then we'll have people weigh in on whose form applies, yeah?

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Without a doubt. Do you want to do, I'll do hand release pushups.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Okay. I think you should do it, if you want to do it, you should do it when I get back to Austin.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  Why? Oh, you want to give yourself some time to warm up? Oh, you want to do it together?

• 27:30Speaker 01

  No, I meant that like, I have to be, go to the gym, my gym, you know? Right, like, I'm here, I'm not gonna be able to do it on Monday, cause I'm shooting.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  I know, but we're gonna lose interest if I don't post it on Monday. I'll post it on Monday and then you can, I'll tell you what, I'll give you time to work up to it.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Work up to, got it.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Cause you know that my number's gonna be insurmountable to you.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  What do you think it's gonna be?

• 27:52Speaker 00

  I think, I mean, I think I can get to seven.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  They say, they say 10 is really hard.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  For the one rep and then a pushup that matches it?

• 28:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then two reps, two pushups, three reps, three pushups.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  I'm excited. We're, I'm gonna do that. And now I got something to look forward to. I need goals in life. I don't have fucking goals in life.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  I have nothing fucking, I think that's what, I think that's what, like, I was trying to say, like, the thing about touring is I feel like I've, I feel like I've, you know, when you do theater, when you do clubs, you look at like, then I can do theaters. When you do theaters, you go, maybe I'll do arenas. And then, once you do arenas, you're like, I guess I can keep doing arenas, or maybe I kind of, theaters are pretty fun. Like, like, and then I, and then the other day I was like, I wouldn't mind doing a club run would be even like real fun, but I kind of want to do it. I can't do it, like, I want to do it with my tour bus. I don't want to leave my tour bus.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  So bring your bus. What's the problem?

• 28:49Speaker 00

  I think it's too expensive to do clubs with a tour bus. You don't need it.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  You don't have to do it for a year. Just do it for a little bit of time. It's fun.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  I just did clubs. It was super fun.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  I know, you were telling me about it. You did DC?

• 29:02Speaker 01

  I did DC, I did Oxnard, I did Minneapolis, I did Acme, I did Baltimore, Magoob's. It was so fun. It was great. And then I go into theaters and casinos for this next run. And then from there I go, I do arenas, I think, later in the year.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:22Speaker 00

  Do you see Zach Bryan, Zach Bryan wore the Free Palace night shirt in Robert Kraft Stadium?

• 29:29Speaker 01

  He did?

• 29:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  How'd that go?

• 29:32Speaker 00

  It, it fucking, I mean, it was, it was all over the internet. You know, I, I gotta tell you, man, that fucking guy, he really does, I, I kind of really respect how he just fucking stares controversy down and goes after it on everything. Like, everything. I fucking really admire that.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  His audience didn't give a fuck about that, did they?

• 29:53Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't think so. I don't think his audience is a country audience. I think they're, they're like music fans.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Really?

• 30:00Speaker 00

  I think, I don't think he does like country music. I think he does like, he's more like Bruce Springsteen.

• 30:06Speaker 01

  What, how did people, like, what, if you go to the new, yeah. Can you make it bigger? Oh yeah, cause they barred, they barred Macklemore?

• 30:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:22Speaker 01

  I love that we have these popups.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Sorry, I'm doing this from home. Don't worry about it.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Oh, you are? Okay, sorry.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  Hey, Annie, can I ask you a question while we're doing this? And Tom, I want your answer. And I think we should use, use this as a clip and get people to answer in the comments. What's more racist? Having said the N-word in life? Or having never said it in public, but screamed it in a pillow in your bedroom?

• 30:55Speaker 04

  Um, how did you use it? I, I need context of how you used it in public.

• 31:01Speaker 00

  No, not in public, just like singing in a song.

• 31:04Speaker 04

  In a song?

• 31:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, you know, like, and then, and then say you're the other person goes, I've never said it. And that one person's like, you've never said the word ever? And they're like, no, but I've screamed it in my pillow in my bedroom.

• 31:17Speaker 04

  And they screamed it in their pillow just for funsies?

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Just to do it because they wanted to see.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  Just to get out the emotion, you know?

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, I don't know, they lost a bet or something.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'd say the second one because there's some deep root, you need to get rid of that, you know?

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, I thought screaming it in a pillow sounds really fucking racist.

• 31:35Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, are you insinuating that somebody on your team has done this?

• 31:39Speaker 00

  No, no, no, I'm not looking at anyone even personally.

• 31:42Speaker 04

  Oh, neat.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  Wait, which category do you fall into, Bert? I'm a little confused.

• 31:47Speaker 00

  Both.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Oh, you're both.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  Well, now that I know we can scream it in our pillow, I didn't know that was an option.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  I've never ever heard that before, that someone's like, I scream it into my pillow at night.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  Two people, two people on my tour bus had screamed it in their pillows.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  What?

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Yeah. They had never said it in their life. They've never said it. And they're like, no, I've never said it, never said it, never said it. And I was like, you've never said the N word? And they're like, never said it. And I go, not like, I'm not saying use it like yelled it out of a car window after you lost a, a football game.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  But like, you've never said, like, said it or sang it or, and they're like, no, never. And then one person was like, I mean, I've screamed it in my pillow in my bedroom. And then the other person goes, well, yeah, I've done that. And then I was like, wait, that's worse.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  That's so insane. That's so crazy.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  So crazy.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  That's so crazy.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  That should be a viral trend on TikTok.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Wait, is it, it's not a comic then, right?

• 32:42Speaker 00

  It's, uh, no, it's not. It's, it's no comics. It's just people on my tour bus.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  And I was like.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  Like, Leanne, just let it out. Come on.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  I can't say exactly who it was that did it, but it was not comics and, uh,

• 33:00Speaker 00

  and let's just leave it at that. I just thought that was weird. And they're like, well, you know, you're a kid and you wanna, you wanna say it, but you don't wanna say it because you're scared.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:08Speaker 00

  And I was like, no.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  When was your first time? How old were you?

• 33:13Speaker 00

  Screaming in a pillow was last night.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  No, I mean, just in life. I mean, it was Florida, so what, seven, eight?

• 33:21Speaker 00

  I, the, uh, no, I'm, I'm not gonna, I'm not answering this question. I don't trust the internet anymore.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 33:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't, I used to be very honest with the internet and then I saw that that sometimes it backfly, backlash is on you.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  I'm gonna start keeping secrets. I'm doing a new thing in therapy called goodwill listening.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 33:41Speaker 00

  It's when I listen, but I don't want to.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  So that's basically like a conversation?

• 33:50Speaker 00

  No, it's different. So imagine if you're going through a bunch of shit, right?

• 33:56Speaker 00

  And

• 33:59Speaker 00

  someone wants to talk to you about, uh, some shit. By the way, we're gonna go back to the Zach Bryan stuff.

• 34:06Speaker 00

  And, but you're going through some stuff, like for me, it's anxiety, like, right? I got anxiety and then I'm, I'm dealing with that. And that's all I see like right around here. And then, then say Leanne goes, uh, my dad's AFib came back and I'm like, I don't wanna talk about it. I don't really care about it. But then I, I forced myself to listen and then forced myself to ask questions, even though I'm, I'm like really kind of in my own way about it. And then that turns into active listening. That turns into being a better listener because if you practice it enough, then you'll go like, hey, how's your dad doing? And then she's like, well, thanks for asking. As opposed to just always being in your head, you know?

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 00

  So I'm, I'm doing that.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  That's great, man.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  That's great.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  Therapy's working out great lately.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Who is?

• 34:55Speaker 00

  Therapy.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Oh, good, man.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  Well, go back to Zach Bryan. I'm, I'm curious what the backlash is, if there's any. I don't think there's any. I think everyone, everyone kinda, they jumped on Ed Sheeran, right, Tom?

• 35:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think what happened was Ed Sheeran was having Macklemore open for him at Gillette Stadium. And Macklemore had come out as a pro Palestine? And then the stadium and Robert Kraft were like, he's not welcome to play here. And then people were like, hey, Ed Sheeran, like, stand up for who your opener is gonna be. And he didn't. So then they, they got on him for that. You can't, I mean, yeah, that's, I think that's the story. I think that's the story. I might be having part of this wrong. In that case, I, I'm sorry.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  So I think what happened was Zach Bryan went to play that stadium, Gillette Stadium, that Robert Kraft owns, and he wore that basically in protest of their trying to kick Macklemore off or kicking him off. Like he's, he wore it like as a fuck you for that.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Right?

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  That's, that's, I think that's the story. Are you, do you wear pro pals? Are you getting involved in that?

• 36:19Speaker 00

  Uh, no, I don't know anything that's going on over there. I just heard about, uh, just starting to hear about this right now. Why, what's happening?

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's a lot to summarize, but you should pick a side today and wear it on stage.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  Really?

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, that'd be a fun shirt to rip off. Just pick one and.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  You know what? I will open for you when you start your tour.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  I'll open for you and then I'll wear a free Palestine shirt and then we'll get those shows canceled. And then you can, you'll get in a lot of trouble, but then I'll do my own tour where everyone like goes, isn't that what happened with Macklemore? Is he like, was like, well, then fine, I'll do a free Palestine tour. And then everyone's like, fuck, yeah.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Did he?

• 37:04Speaker 00

  I think so. I mean, I, I don't know. I have no fucking clue.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  The issue's getting hotter and hotter. Like it, it just keeps growing because Netanyahu came for the UN last week and that, that was a whole fucking thing. It just keeps stirring up.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Well, let me check with ChatGPT. I'll see with Claude who I should support and that'll be who I support.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  Here we go.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Okay. Oh, yeah. See what the.

• 37:28Speaker 00

  Hey Claude, who should I support in the Palestine versus Israel beef?

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 37:38Speaker 00

  That's not something I pick a side on, Bert. It's the most contested conflict in the world where people usually depend on how they weigh historically. Human rights, international law. So here, now here are the supporters of Israel.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  They often emphasize that Jewish people have historical ties to the land. Israel need for safety after centuries of persecution and the Holocaust. It's right for self-defense of groups, around groups like Hamas, especially since the attacks of October 7th. And instead it says a democracy in the region is very important to them, but supporters of Palestine often emphasize that they've been displaced since 1948 Nakba and the military occupation of the West Bank, settlement expansions, block of the Gaza Strip, the massive civilian death tolls, humanitarian crisis and Palestinians' rights of self-determinations. Many people don't pick a team at all. They support safety and dignity of both Israel and the Palestinian civilians.

• 38:41Speaker 00

  Criticize specific actions by either group, armed attacks, such as the two states of.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  So Tom, I love that you're reading this and summarizing it like, I feel like I'm doing this with a toddler right now. Who's learning about this for the first time. That's really cool.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Tom, I don't pick a team at all. I support both safety and dignity of the Israel, Israeli and the Palestinian

• 39:02Speaker 00

  civilians.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's cool, man.

• 39:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm happy that you are feeling that way. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify is here to make it actually happen. And I'm here to tell you that the time to launch is now before the holiday rush sets in because it really is going to be here before you know it. With Shopify, you don't have to spend all your spare time learning how to be an e-commerce expert just so you can launch a site and start selling. From the store to checkout to analytics, Shopify houses everything you need to get your business up and running all in one place. Shopify is the backbone of so many brands and businesses you know and love like ours here at YMH.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  We've used it for years and I can't tell you how easy it is to run a business and balance being on tour while Shopify has your back. Get that thing off the ground before the rush of Black Friday and the holiday season hits. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com slash bears to start your free trial. That's Shopify.com slash bears. Go to Shopify.com slash bears today. Hear your first cha-ching. Let's talk about investing for a minute. If you're interested in making your money work as hard as you do, it's time to give Acorns a try. It's the financial wellness app that actually cares about where your money is going tomorrow, not just where it's sitting today.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Acorns is the app that allows you to invest, save and track your money all in one place that you can trust. Listen, our very own Zolo, you know how he watches his dollars and he's a big, big fan. Sign up now and join the over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Takes about two minutes and could be the quickest $20 you'll ever earn. Head to acorns.com slash bears. That's A C O R N S dot com slash bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Acorns.com slash bears. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See acorns.com slash terms for details.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  Paid non-client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Tier Two compensation provided. Potential subject to various factors such as customers, accounts, age and investment settings. Does not include Acorns fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns Inviter LLC, SEC Registered Investment Advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bears.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  Did you ever get the seatbelt extender size?

• 41:45Speaker 01

  No, never, never.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Neither then.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Wait, did you ever have one?

• 41:55Speaker 01

  No shit, for real?

• 41:56Speaker 00

  Dude, I was, yeah, I was, I, there's, some of those seatbelts are fucking short, okay? It's not me, it's the planes have short seatbelts.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  A hundred percent.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  Like, if you go to the older planes, like, the older, like, the, the, what is it, the, uh, MD80s? Those seatbelts are short as fuck.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  Totally, they're not meant for people.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  They're ma- they're made, it's like, it's like children's rides in, on Disneyland that they haven't updated. Look at that.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  So, wait, did you ask, or did they know? Like, did they, did they just show up with it?

• 42:28Speaker 00

  No, I had to ask, cause I was like, this is, I, I wasn't gonna buckle it, I was like, fuck it, I'd rather die than ask fucking someone to, for a seatbelt extender.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  I've sat where they, like, somebody big is next to me, and they don't even have to say a thing. The flight attendant was just like, discreet, they were discreet, they were like, here you go. And I was like, thank you, and they knew what was up right away.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Holy shit, so, wait, you did have to ask, though?

• 42:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was like, well, no, she came up, she goes, I need you to buckle that, and I was like, yeah, mine's not buckling. She was like, what's wrong with it? And I said, I have no idea, maybe it's, it might be broken. She was like, let me see, and she was like, oh, let me get your seatbelt extender, I was like, big, big, okay.

• 43:10Speaker 00

  And then she came back, and I was like, wow, that's so much looser, thank you.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that feels good.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  I was like, I barely, do you have like a smaller seatbelt extender, I don't need this much.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Did you, was this at your biggest?

• 43:20Speaker 00

  This is my biggest, I just needed, I just needed like, two inches.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  An inch, yeah, yeah.

• 43:24Speaker 00

  I didn't need the extra foot they gave me.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, here you go, here's 22 inches of extra cloth for you, and you're like, mm.

• 43:34Speaker 00

  You could just make it just a titch bigger.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  That's hilarious, dude.

• 43:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was, that is really uncomfortable, when you're that big, flying, like, cause I'm not, I was never, uh, I was never a loose fat, I was always a tight fat. So, like, I couldn't bend over, I couldn't touch my toes, like, I was really uncomfortable.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  But now that it's deflated some, there is looseness, you said, right?

• 43:56Speaker 00

  There's a little looseness.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, are you gonna do the procedure?

• 44:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  To tighten it?

• 44:03Speaker 00

  No, I'm good.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  Why?

• 44:06Speaker 00

  I'm perfect, I look great.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  I'm perfect, I look great, people are in awe when they see me.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  I think, I think most people, when we just, when I was doing laps here, I was doing laps around the arena, and they were like, you look good, how much weight have you lost? I was like, 50 pounds.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  People are saying that, just yelling that.

• 44:22Speaker 00

  They just said that.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're like, you look great, and I was like, thank you. Kyle, can you get one of those ladies that just said how good I look to come over here and tell them? Alex, you know who we're talking to?

• 44:34Speaker 01

  I think we, we don't need to meet the person, I think that's.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  Just ask them if anyone who thinks I look attractive.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  But also, ask, ask if anyone doesn't, and get them over there too, could you do that?

• 44:44Speaker 00

  You're gonna find anyone in this huge arena. By the way, they just put the curtains up on the top, Tom.

• 44:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  Look at this, have you seen how good I look, Tommy?

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  Look at this.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. What do you think people think when they're watching this?

• 45:02Speaker 00

  I think people are, I think people are astounded at how my, how I rebounded. Look at that arm.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  Go to the one that shows you how agile I am, do the other one. There we go, that one. Look at this, Tom, have you seen this? Look at that, I go, stop right there, look at, look at this body, that's perfect.

• 45:20Speaker 00

  That is perfect.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  What is, what is?

• 45:24Speaker 00

  Look at how agile I am. Oh, come on in, would you tell my friend how attractive I am? Come on in, please.

• 45:35Speaker 00

  Weren't you saying how, how I lost weight and I look great? Will you tell my friend, please?

• 45:46Speaker 00

  Come on in, he's, he's this older gentleman right here, looks like Wilford Brimley.

• 45:51Speaker 05

  Hello.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  Hello, hi.

• 45:54Speaker 00

  Now, go ahead and, and tell him, you're like, right?

• 45:57Speaker 05

  Right, he's very handsome and lost weight and what? Okay, you gonna believe us, or what?

• 46:05Speaker 01

  Oh, I believe you, yeah, he looks good. Yeah.

• 46:09Speaker 00

  Tell him I turned down candy, too.

• 46:10Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, we offered him candy, chips, and he turned everything down.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  He does the shot, yeah.

• 46:16Speaker 00

  She knows I does, I told her I did the shot.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:19Speaker 00

  She goes, how did you lose, I said, the shot, she went, ah, that makes sense.

• 46:22Speaker 05

  Okay, alright.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  It's very nice to meet you.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  How old would you think that man is?

• 46:26Speaker 05

  Oh, goodness.

• 46:29Speaker 05

  Oh, 45.

• 46:33Speaker 00

  Do you need readers, ma'am? Like, you wanna try that again?

• 46:38Speaker 05

  He looks like he's 45.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  His hair's dyed, he dyed his hair. He's in late 50s.

• 46:45Speaker 05

  Oh, how old you think I am?

• 46:46Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 46:49Speaker 05

  Oh, God.

• 46:49Speaker 00

  47? 47?

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Bertrand.

• 46:52Speaker 00

  How old are you?

• 46:52Speaker 01

  Bertrand.

• 46:54Speaker 00

  Early 60s? No way.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  I don't dye my hair, dude.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, you do.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  No, I don't.

• 47:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, you do.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  No, I don't.

• 47:03Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  Early 60s.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  I've never used any dye.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  You're not dying your hair right now?

• 47:09Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:10Speaker 00

  I thought it was dyed, for the movie.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  We dye the beard every day, we put makeup in every day to, for the beard, not my hair.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  Why wouldn't you just dye the beard and get it over with?

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Because I don't want it to be permanently jet black.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  Do you remember when you dyed it for the Mark Wahlberg movie?

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. That's fucking, yeah, it's jet black in this, dude.

• 47:38Speaker 01

  And they call me Jafar on set, cause they, they also put all this bronzer on me.

• 47:42Speaker 00

  Are you serious?

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Hey, I, I really, really, really regret saying on this podcast that I don't brush my teeth, because I went into the most aggressive oral surgery you've ever could imagine.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  What did they do to you?

• 47:59Speaker 00

  Dude, first of all, it has nothing to do with brushing my teeth, so, scroll, yeah, show my fucking mouth.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Oof.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  Dude.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  What'd they do? It has nothing to do with the fact that you don't ever brush your teeth?

• 48:13Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  What does it have to do with?

• 48:15Speaker 00

  I had a surgery 30 years ago. And it was, it was archaic when they did it, they, what they do is they cut your gums off, you see those stitches?

• 48:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  They cut a line there, and then they dig that out, and then they lift your gum up, so that it's revealing all the nerves in your teeth, and all the bone. And then, 30 years ago, they dug out the nerves, and then they filled it, and it was, I had a 50/50 chance of success 30 years ago. And then, like, a year ago, it started hurting, and I was like, oh, fuck. And I didn't, I put it off, and I put it off, and I put it off. And then, Lea, don't, I don't wanna see any of the comments, I, I can't, thank God I don't have readers on.

• 48:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, why would you even post that?

• 48:58Speaker 00

  I didn't post it, I sent it to my fucking team at, uh, at fucking Birdie Boy, like, going like, I just got out of surgery, and then they're like, oh my God. And then they posted both of those, me in the, in the chair, and then me in the thing, and I was like, Jesus Christ, guys, I didn't, Leaann was a part of it, I think Leaann was like, show him that he got the oral surgery, and he's gonna do shows. I'm gonna put that boy back on the track, he's gonna work. But, so they had to dig out my gums, cut my gums off, pull them back, and then dig out the old stuff, which, I mean, you can hear them going through bone and grinding bone. It was so aggressive, and then lay it back down and stitch it.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  And it's been, it's still swollen. My gums aren't totally healed yet, they're still retracted a little bit, but it's been a fucking, now I'm brushing my teeth twice a day.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  Good for you, man.

• 49:56Speaker 00

  I know.

• 49:57Speaker 01

  It's a big deal, a lot of people don't ever get there, that's really good.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  I don't think twice a day sounds fucking like overkill.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  When's that, when's that first one?

• 50:05Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 50:06Speaker 01

  That first brushing, when did you do that first one?

• 50:08Speaker 00

  Around 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  And number two is before bed?

• 50:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, right before bed I brush.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Wild, you just got there at 53.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  You know, I didn't, I, I was brushing wrong, too, like, I never did the circles, I always thought that was ridiculous, I just did the, you know, like, eh, eh, eh, eh.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  Really?

• 50:26Speaker 00

  And now, because my gums are so fucked up, I have to do the circles to massage them down.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, hey, did you see, Ari, is Ari Emanuel your agent?

• 50:38Speaker 01

  Uh, no.

• 50:39Speaker 00

  Is he at the same agency?

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  Is, have you ever met him?

• 50:45Speaker 01

  Um, no, never met him.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  His book came out, I'm dying to see it, I'm dying to read it.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  I saw excerpts, I'm gonna read it for sure.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  It looks fucking awesome. Do you think that people not in our industry will find it as interesting?

• 51:00Speaker 01

  No, yeah, I think you'd have to have some interest in entertainment to really be into it, but like, people who are interested in just high-level achievers would probably also find that interesting, you know?

• 51:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I think, yeah, if you're in, you have some interest in entertainment, I think you find it more interesting, yeah. Yeah.

• 51:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm, I'm really excited to see it, I, I, mostly because of Entourage.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  That's for some people, like, who don't know, he's the inspiration behind Jeremy Piven's character in Entourage, yeah. But he's like, you know, he's a, he's a big, big dog in entertainment, like, crazy career, so this is a summary, and apparently he, um, names a lot of names, like, he's very direct in the book, talking about all types of people. Yeah.

• 51:49Speaker 00

  That's crazy.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm, I'm excited to read it, he's been doing the rounds, I guess he's represented by, uh, I guess, it's, he's gotta work with Barstool, because he did all the Barstool shows.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  He, he has his hands in a lot of shit, dude.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  He's been, man, he has been doing the rounds promoting this book.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  Is he?

• 52:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I kinda like it, cause so many times an agent's like, yo, you gotta get out there and promote, and then to see him do the work is kinda cool.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's awesome.

• 52:20Speaker 01

  That's awesome.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Didn't he buy, didn't he buy, um,

• 52:25Speaker 00

  he bought UFC, right?

• 52:27Speaker 01

  He's part of that deal, um, yeah, cause I've seen him at fights, I've been to fights and seen him there.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Ari Emanuel, he supports Palestine.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  He, there's no fucking way he does.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  Oh, he does.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  He does?

• 52:45Speaker 00

  I saw him on Jon Stewart. He was saying, uh, he got, he got in a lot of shit for it, too. He went to like a Jewish community center or something and gave like a speech and then type in Ari Emanuel Palestine.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 53:00Speaker 00

  Criticizes Macklemore. Oh, wait, maybe never mind. Okay, I'm wrong.

• 53:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Well, I was wrong about that.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  Such a Burt thing. Yeah. No, I saw it. Oops.

• 53:15Speaker 00

  That's why I don't pick a side.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  That's fantastic, dude. Now, I want to read that book, though, for sure, dude. Yeah.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm trying to read books instead of being on, uh, social media.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  But I get, I only get inspired by like guys. I like, like, I was reading a book about Lee Iacocca.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Like, he's really fucking fascinating.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  I've been reading Quan's Mills. Have you read any of that?

• 53:39Speaker 00

  No, what's that?

• 53:41Speaker 01

  Dude, interesting stuff. You gotta get some Quan's Mills in your life. It just like gives it to you straight up, you know, entertaining. Like, this hoe's got roaches in her crib, or like the old thought next door, like, but they're fun reads. Can you pull up some of his books?

• 53:59Speaker 00

  Quan's Mills.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, good. It's good, dude.

• 54:03Speaker 00

  Really?

• 54:03Speaker 01

  It's really fun. It's really fun. Yeah. There's Quan's Mills right there. If you go to his, um, yeah, scroll down. Oh, see that, that lady right there? The, the older lady? Yeah, hit that one. This is like an excerpt from the book.

• 54:19Speaker 06

  Anger to your ass. Listen, either you gonna give me some of that dick right now, or I'm finna call my grandcabe and let her know your raggedy broke ass been cheating on her with that bony, bald headed sleazy who stay next to y'all.

• 54:37Speaker 06

  You ought to be ashamed of yourself messing around with that nasty gutter sludge.

• 54:42Speaker 02

  What in the fuck is you talking about? I ain't messing around with nobody but you.

• 54:47Speaker 06

  You a motherfucking lie.

• 54:51Speaker 02

  I don't know what you're talking about.

• 54:55Speaker 06

  Boy, listen, I've been watching you. I know you giving your dick away to any and everybody.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Okay, that's, so the cool thing is, though, it's not just what you, like, there's a real story here. Okay, there's a real story here. And there is a kind of satisfying ending. Like, I'm just getting to, let's see, my husband asleep with my sister's husband.

• 55:15Speaker 00

  Wait, are these micro dramas?

• 55:17Speaker 01

  Well, he's making, he's taking his books and turning them into micro dramas. If you go back to his page.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  Is that guy kissing a white guy?

• 55:26Speaker 01

  I don't know where we're at.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  Are two guys kissing in the background?

• 55:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, man, I'm in Atlanta. Um, if, uh, if you scroll down, there's another good one that I wanted you to see that's from his, oh, yeah. You see that old, go to the right, two to the right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  I just know that pussy good, too. I know that motherfucker juicy, hot, tight, and got a pull to it.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  I'm finna wear your ass out.

• 56:02Speaker 06

  You gonna have to pay me first, Mr. Henry.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Bitch, you ain't getting nothing till I'm done. You understand?

• 56:11Speaker 01

  Well, what's nice about this is it's cool, because I've, when you read the books, you're trying to imagine characters. So I like that you have these as representations to continue reading the stories, you know?

• 56:23Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're good, man.

• 56:25Speaker 00

  And he, he's an author?

• 56:27Speaker 01

  Quan's is, yeah.

• 56:28Speaker 00

  And Quan's is putting these into, hold on, this is real. I thought you were fucking around.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  No, it's real.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  These are real books?

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I just started, well, I'm kind of ripping my way through that, that hoe's got roaches in her crib. Yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 00

  That thought next door. International bestselling author. International.

• 56:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:50Speaker 00

  I thought these would be more like, uh, territory specific. I didn't think like people in Iceland would get it, but.

• 56:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're great, dude. We have some at YMH, too.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  I actually could get into this.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  You should.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  My baby daddy is a bed, uh, my, my baby daddy is a bed bug.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  He's also having one, there's one where a guy, I think, swallows a chicken sandwich and he grows a thoughts, he grows a BBL because of it. And like, it totally changes his life. It's really imaginative stuff, dude.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  I like this.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it is. The time I accidentally choked on a Popeye's biscuit and then his ass grew. It's crazy, man. He's wild.

• 57:34Speaker 00

  That's him?

• 57:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:37Speaker 02

  I will be turning, that time I accidentally choked on a Popeye's biscuit and died and reincarnated as a power bottom pastor with a BBL, a Quan Mills hood isekai, ratchet soap opera love story into an anime, and I will be partnering with another literary genius, the one and only Mr. J R Chitlins, the originator.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  I think this, you should take this as inspiration.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  I am, by the way, I completely am.

• 58:10Speaker 01

  Because I feel like you could take, like, crazy bird ideas and turn them into like these kind of micro dramas, too, you know? Like, you always told me that story about having dreams where like Elvis was buttfucking you and you were puking into a Burger King cup. And like, that should be fucking animated.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  I should animate my dreams.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, see?

• 58:31Speaker 00

  I bet, I bet I could plug my dreams into AI and they could just generate them for me.

• 58:36Speaker 01

  It's great use of it. It's great use of it.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  Wow, I could do, I could just plug my dream right into AI and then get it animated, then post them, and then boom, wake up in the morning, work's done. AI did my work for me.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  That's all we're talking about, man.

• 58:52Speaker 00

  Fucking nice.

• 58:52Speaker 01

  Talking about. Yeah.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  How's that place selling tonight?

• 58:58Speaker 00

  It's good.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Where do you go next?

• 59:02Speaker 00

  I'm in Lima, Ohio tonight, or tomorrow night, and then I'm in, how you doing, sir?

• 59:11Speaker 00

  And then, uh, I'm in Philly next week. I got two nights in Philly, and then I got two nights in Chicago.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Where are you doing?

• 59:21Speaker 00

  Uh, Chicago Theater and then I think the Met in Philly.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  The Met's awesome, yeah.

• 59:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then.

• 59:26Speaker 01

  I love the Chicago Theater, it's the best.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, Chicago Theater's pretty fucking awesome. I love that. But I love that mostly because you can run right down to the lake and then run the lake and then run back. That's my favorite. It's one of my favorite jogs in the world.

• 59:39Speaker 01

  In Chicago?

• 59:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, God, I fucking, I fucking love Chicago.

• 59:43Speaker 01

  Hey, what is this AI, is it AI Mexican Tom Instagram post? What is that?

• 59:48Speaker 00

  AI Mexican Tom.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  That's what it says on this menu over here. What is that?

• 59:53Speaker 02

  That's just the photo that Stamos posted of you.

• 59:56Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, okay.

• 59:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's pull that up and zoom in on Tom. I'm dying to see, I thought you'd be rocking that all the time. I think you should go and get your beard professionally dyed. But you like hair and makeup. You love sitting in a chair for like two hours.

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  Fuck, no. It's the worst. What are you talking? No, I don't.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, you do. You're that actor.

• 1:00:15Speaker 01

  It's a nightmare.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  You love it. You love waking up at four in the morning and.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  Sitting with your coffee and talking with the girls. And they're like, what are we doing today? And you're like, I need to be a fucking.

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  I am Helen Keller silent.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. All right, zoom in on Tom, please.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  Perfect.

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  You're not. Thank you.

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  Hmm. Yeah, man.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  God, look how small you are.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  How tall is John Stamos? Is he 6'2"?

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  But Tim right there, on, to my, my right, your left is 6'5". Cinquah is 6'3". Yeah.

• 1:01:09Speaker 00

  Santino's gotta be in hog heaven. He's probably hitting balls even when in between takes.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  You have no idea. You have no idea.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  I bet it's tough to get him to act.

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  He's, he's so, Tim's also really into golf, but yeah, Andrew's 100%.

• 1:01:23Speaker 00

  I bet Tim's got a great fucking swing.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Tim does.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  Oh, wait, I've seen him play golf.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, Tim's a good golfer. Andrew has a really, really beautiful swing.

• 1:01:31Speaker 00

  He's got a great swing.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's a really good golfer. Plays a lot.

• 1:01:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's all he does.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he's played everywhere, man.

• 1:01:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, and, and he knows everything about golf and he knows everything about golfers.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  He does. It's like encyclopedic.

• 1:01:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  Gingers, man, they're just different, you know?

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  Oh, it's crazy that he can get outside and be in the sun like that.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I thought he would be burning everywhere. He's like, nah, no, it's not bad. He wears sunblock, but it's not, I thought it would be way more sensitive. I think I'm more skin sensitive.

• 1:02:05Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:02:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  Considering your people grew up a mile from the sun in Machu Picchu.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  It's crazy, but I didn't get those genes. I got my dad's. Then my sister's got those genes.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  For real?

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Fucking, yeah.

• 1:02:16Speaker 00

  Hey, what's your, so what's your plan tonight? What, like, today's your day off?

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  No, dude, we shot until fucking four in the morning.

• 1:02:24Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  I'm just recovering, just resting, yeah.

• 1:02:28Speaker 00

  What's your plan tonight?

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  Nothing.

• 1:02:31Speaker 00

  You're just gonna sit in your house?

• 1:02:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I want to rest, man. We've been going so hard.

• 1:02:37Speaker 00

  God, you're fucking lame.

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  This is why I'd never do a movie with you. This is when, that, tonight's the night you get loose.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  Go to the Hawthorne Lounge. Is it the Hawthorne Lounge?

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  Where's the strip club? Ooh, you should go to Magic City, Tom.

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  I'm good. I'm gonna fucking rest, and then I'm gonna rest more tomorrow, maybe see a movie. Are you gonna see Digger?

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Why?

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't know what it is. What is it?

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Tom Cruise's new movie that's like all that everyone's talking about and that it's gonna open soft, but then it's like critics are shitting on it, but then some people are saying it's amazing and like, I don't know. I want to get my own opinion.

• 1:03:20Speaker 00

  Oh, I, I don't, I don't really know anything about it. I know that we, I talked to, I talked about John, I talked about, uh, Tom Cruise on the guest bears I did last week with Rob Lowe, and it got on TMZ, which I thought was insane.

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  What about him?

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  I just said he's, he's got a crazy work ethic. He like, his gym time is like skinny as shit, and soon as he gets done the gym, he like gets, someone's like, TC's coming to the room, have his food ready, and his food's ready, they're steaming the shower. Like, he's just dialed in. And literally, it got picked up on TMZ, which I, I can't believe people didn't already know that.

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:55Speaker 00

  I mean, his eyes are wide shut to difficulties. His team takes care of everything. Yeah, he's Tom Cruise.

• 1:04:03Speaker 01

  Who does that surprising to?

• 1:04:05Speaker 00

  I have no fucking idea.

• 1:04:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:08Speaker 00

  But yeah, he's dialed in. He is. I think that's cool. Anytime I ever work with anyone that's ever worked with Tom Cruise, I'm kind of fascinated by him, you know?

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:19Speaker 00

  Like, he's achieved it at such a crazy level. And I think he's the, in the handful of people that legit has, earns every bit of that $20 million. Like, every movie he does, I love the movie. So I'll go see Digger. I didn't know, I mean, I've seen the promos for it, but I didn't, it seemed, I didn't know.

• 1:04:41Speaker 01

  Well, it's not what you expect from him, obviously. You expect him to jump out of a plane and have, you know, fights and explosions, so it's a departure from that. But I think, I'm intrigued to see it. I want to go see it.

• 1:04:54Speaker 00

  I'm kind of, if something doesn't land on the front page of Apple or Netflix, I kind of, it kind of goes past me these days.

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 1:05:04Speaker 00

  It's kind of crazy, too, being someone who is in movies that I want you to go to theaters to go see it, obviously. I have a hard time getting off the couch. What was the last movie you saw in the movie theater?

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  The last thing I saw in the movie theater was probably,

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  oh, Odyssey.

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, Odyssey.

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  Odyssey. I saw Obsession in the theater, too.

• 1:05:29Speaker 00

  I didn't. I saw that on the phone.

• 1:05:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Speaker 00

  I saw everything on the phone. I saw fucking, I saw fucking Oppenheimer on the phone.

• 1:05:41Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:05:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 1:05:44Speaker 00

  But it's like, everything's on a phone, so it's, part of me goes, I want to say, don't spend $35 million making a movie because I'm just going to see it on my phone.

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  Well, that's, I mean, you're talking about the whole controversy of this industry right now.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, I look at, like, when, I remember when I was doing, getting ready for one of my specials, like, might have been Lucky or Hey, Big Boy. Might have been early on. They were talking about this huge set design they were going to do on the stage. And they showed me, like, John Mulaney's set design. And I was like, that's beautiful. And then I watched this special and you never saw the full stage. You only see that little quarter. And Ali Wong had a very kind of, like, normal set, but her, her upper third looked really pretty with her skin tones. And I was like, oh, I like that. And so it's like, when you do a special, everyone has this big set. All you're going to see is this. So just make sure that this space right here is really good.

• 1:06:43Speaker 00

  By the way, shout out to Sam Morrell. His new special's out and it's fucking awesome. Training in the top 10, and it's really great.

• 1:06:50Speaker 01

  He's so funny. Have fun tonight. Like we said at the beginning, I've announced a tour. It's on sale right now. TomSegura.com/tour. This is the first leg of many legs. The tour is called Preposterous. Please Get Tickets is on sale now. Bert's on tour.

• 1:07:06Speaker 00

  Permission to party, Philly, Chicago, San Antonio, Corpus Christi. I'm gone all month. And then I'm going to be in, I'm going to be in, I'm going to be in Austin in a couple of weeks.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  Great.

• 1:07:22Speaker 00

  And I'll see you there.

• 1:07:23Speaker 01

  I hope so.

• 1:07:24Speaker 00

  What we should do is we should do that challenge together.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  We could do that.

• 1:07:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:30Speaker 01

  That'd be cool. Okay. Cool.

• 1:07:33Speaker 00

  Are you happy?

• 1:07:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, this has been fun, man.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:38Speaker 00

  Okay. Just checking in on you.

• 1:07:41Speaker 01

  Thanks, man.

• 1:07:43Speaker 00

  Is filming's going good?

• 1:07:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:46Speaker 00

  You're happy?

• 1:07:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a good time.

• 1:07:52Speaker 00

  Okay. Have you made any good friends?

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  I've made some friends, yeah. It's always some new friends. You know, being on sets, like, creating a new fam and so hard to say bye to them. But, yeah, we've had a good time.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  When do you rap?

• 1:08:06Speaker 01

  In another week.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:08:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:11Speaker 00

  Who's your favorite person on set that you work with that isn't an actor?

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  That isn't an actor?

• 1:08:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, I like Manny, like, you're working with Manny. I love Manny. I think Chad's probably doing your video village.

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  Manny's super fun, really nice. You know, Latins, they're always nice. So I really like him. I love my director. Nick Thomas is great. Corey's great. It's a really good crew, man. It's an awesome crew. Landon's great. There's just Tucker. Everyone's awesome.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  Are you getting rap gifts for anyone?

• 1:08:45Speaker 01

  Have I gotten rap gifts for anyone?

• 1:08:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:47Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:08:48Speaker 00

  You going to get anything for your crew, for your staff?

• 1:08:53Speaker 01

  I don't know. I did, I did a coffee truck. Maybe I'll do another thing this week.

• 1:08:57Speaker 00

  Can I suggest?

• 1:08:59Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:08:59Speaker 00

  700 burgers from White Castle?

• 1:09:04Speaker 01

  That's what you did?

• 1:09:05Speaker 00

  That's what I did. And it made them very happy.

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  700 burgers?

• 1:09:09Speaker 00

  Just 200 burgers from, just in the middle of the day, 200 burgers from McDonald's. They love it.

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  That's what you did?

• 1:09:16Speaker 00

  That's what I did. I used to get burgers and I'd go to Zaxby's and get a ton of fucking chicken tenders.

• 1:09:26Speaker 01

  And we'll do that, too. Yeah. Are you happy on the road?

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  I am. I am very happy. I'm dealing with mental health stuff. But I'm doing therapy and I'm not drinking a bunch and I'm working out. And I'm doing good shows, but yeah, I'm doing really good.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  You are?

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think I am. I'm very happy. The girls are happy and that makes me happy. That's all that makes me happy these days. George and Isla seem very, very, very happy. And Leanne is very happy.

• 1:09:54Speaker 01

  Are they with you?

• 1:09:55Speaker 00

  No, and Leanne's with Isla right now. She was just with Georgia. And Georgia's getting settled in her new apartment in her new city. And, and Isla is, got her junior year of college. And Leanne's with her right now and they're at Cost Plus, getting a rug for Isla's room. Isla got her driver's license. She's now driving.

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  First time?

• 1:10:15Speaker 00

  First time at 20, 20 years old.

• 1:10:19Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:10:21Speaker 00

  So, and as long as they're happy, I'm happy. And as long as you're happy, I'm happy, Tommy.

• 1:10:26Speaker 01

  Thanks, buddy. I'm glad you're happy, too. And I look forward to the bench press push-up challenge.

• 1:10:32Speaker 00

  All right. I love you. Have a great day.

• 1:10:34Speaker 01

  I love you, too. Have a good one, man.