Shane Gillis vs SNL: Round 2 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

SPONSORS: Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to get 10% off your first month. Download the DraftKings Sports app and use code BEARS. New DraftKings customers can spend five and get two hundred in total bonuses paid within 21 days – includes all markets. Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at https://square.com/go/bears! #squarepod Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in with Tom in Austin and Bert in New York for the Food & Wine Festival. Tom opens by tackling the Shane Gillis backlash from his SNL monologue, while Bert tries to stay out of it for once (he just really loves those pants). The Bears react to the livestreamed execution of the Fort Hood shooter getting called off. Then Bert declares himself Team Katie for new White House press secretary Katie Zacharia, from her shaky first briefing to her gym pics and the bar exam she failed, and the guys give her three months, tops. He also opens up about his people-pleasing after a woman on a plane Googles him and asks, "What did you do?" Plus: Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 story, Bert buying Napoleon's cologne in Paris, Pope Leo's surgery, a maintenance guy catching Bert's 54-year-old mirror selfie, Bert's street-interview do-over, Chris Distefano charming Rachael Ray on Something's Burning, and Mark Zuckerberg's first Guinness. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 344 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org/. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year. $50 in rewards issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:58 - Shane Gillis' SNL Monologue 00:06:28 - Bert Stays Quiet For Once & Those Gym Pants 00:18:35 - The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution Gets Called Off 00:23:15 - Katie Zacharia & Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 Story 00:27:58 - The George Bushes & Napoleon's Cologne 00:35:03 - The Press Secretary Failed The Bar & Bert's Oval Office Plan 00:42:31 - "What Did You Do?" Bert Gets Googled On A Plan 00:48:25 - Pope Leo, Bert's Mirror Selfie, & The Street Interview Do-Over 00:56:50 - Chris Distefano Charms Rachael Ray 01:01:30 - Zuckerberg's First Guinness & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm in Austin, Texas. You're in Dodor Titties and you are, you are, what are you doing there again?

• 0:17Speaker 00

  I'm doing the New York Food and Wine Festival. I'm doing Burger Bash with Rachael Ray.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  That's right. You were doing that. You were doing some pro Palestine rally and now you're here and you're just gonna, have you done the Rachel thing yet?

• 0:31Speaker 00

  I did an episode of Something's Burning with Rachael Ray and Krista Stefano. I did an episode with The Basement Yard. I did an episode with Mark Norman and Keith Robinson.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 0:42Speaker 00

  And, and then I do this and then I go to London for the Jaguars game. Then I go work out with Mark Wahlberg on Monday.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  That's a full fucking number of days you have there, man.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  I know, man, and I think I have COVID. Keep going.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  Keep fucking going. Well, that's exciting. I think we should probably address the hottest topic in all of comedy right now.

• 1:02Speaker 00

  Tony Hitchcock special. Wait, what were you gonna say?

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Our, our friend, Shane Gillis, in a bit of a firestorm, I'm sure you've seen by now, hosted SNL last weekend, did a monologue and it took the interwebs by storm. And here's all I, here's what I want to say about it. Cause I know we can just say it and then we can move on. There's a couple of things. I know that like, I never believe in policing the masses of like, what you think of what comedians said. I'm, I'm a proponent of like, if you're offended or if you're upset and you want to

• 1:49Speaker 01

  be outspoken, I'm, I support that. I feel like people have the right to feel however they want to feel. And I think what happened in this case is that there are these legitimate feelings that people have about misogyny or about injustice, about the way women are treated, whether it's in, in the certain settings and, and you know, whether it's colleges, gyms, or just as a whole, maybe the, the feeling that a lot of women have legitimate, you know, frustrations with a lot of things in society. And I think those are all things that are worth talking about.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  I also think more than one thing can be true. And while I understand that it was used as like this lightning rod to have these conversations, I think, I feel like I want to say that as far as Shane goes, I know a lot of people probably who didn't know who Shane was, as popular as he is, discovered him from this clip, like it became, one hundred percent.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  That's so funny because I assume everyone knows who Shane is. I think he is, he is, in my opinion, the biggest thing to happen to comedy since Dane Cook, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  He is very popular and one hundred percent, everybody does not know him. And, and millions of people who are not into, you forget that standup is ultimately not, it's not the most popular, like, there's a lot of people who go, yeah, I know who Dave Chappelle and Seinfeld are. They don't know who anybody is. And those people also were sent a clip or their friend was like, have you seen this thing from SNL? And they go, I don't watch SNL. Who's this? And they discovered him in that clip. I only wanted to say that like, this clip, this set doesn't represent who that guy is.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Shane is, I mean, and there's, look, there's a lot of people in our business who I'd be like, I'll just, I wouldn't say anything. I just, but I, the reason I wouldn't say anything is because I'd be like, this guy's an asshole. He's a good guy. And I just feel obligated, I just wanted to say that he's a really good guy, a really genuine dude, really genuine, authentic, grounded guy, a good friend, like, loves his parents, loves his family, loves his friends. And I know there's people who say that, see that clip and they go like, you know, what an asshole, or like, this guy's not funny. And I just wanted to tell you like, that does not represent how funny that guy is.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  He's a legitimately very, very funny guy. And I feel bad that, I don't think anyone ever wants to be caught. I know people are like, oh, he doesn't care, he's big, but it sucks to get like in the crosshairs of something like that. I know it wasn't his intention and I know that intention doesn't excuse what you, like, if you're fired up about, like, it doesn't excuse things. My point is essentially this, more than one thing can be true. People can be genuinely like upset or happy to have conversations that they feel like

• 5:19Speaker 01

  need to happen about women and their appearance or attire, or how they're spoken to, or misogyny. All these topics are like legit to talk about. Secondly, or with going with that statement, I feel like concurrently, I guess you can also say that this guy's a good guy. I really think it's important to say he's a good guy and he's a funny guy. He's a really funny guy. He's one of our best as far as somebody who can do so many things. He's a, he's a funny guy on stage. He's funny as an actor, as a sketch performer, as a podcaster, like, he's just a really funny dude.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  And I don't think that that set represents how talented that guy is. He's just a really good dude and I, I hope, I don't know how he's going to choose to like navigate this or say, he'll make his choices and he's a smart guy too. But I will tell you that that doesn't represent who that guy is. And, and that's it. That's really what I wanted to say about it.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  Oh wow, Bert's doing.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  I'm doing Good Will Listening. It's fucking so boring.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, I just thought that like Bert had the one time to not speak was he was like, well, I won't get caught up in anything if I say nothing. For once, I will shut up and it's just because I don't want to be in trouble.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Cheers. That's great, Bert. This will be the one clip you never speak on.

• 7:03Speaker 00

  I, I, I agree with everything you said. I agree with everything you said. I think it, you know, whatever. I, I, it's so funny how, it's so funny what triggers someone's ears. The thing that I thought when I watched that clip was like those pants that he's talking about. I know those pants and I love them and I tried to, I tried to get some for Leanne and, and she wouldn't wear them. She was like, I'm not wearing those. And I was like, you have such a great butt. Your butt's gonna look amazing in these. I love those pants. And by the way, I gotta tell you, I mean, if, if we were just looking at from the sidelines,

• 7:44Speaker 00

  it's been quite an enjoyable week on social media because beautiful women are posting themselves almost naked, working out, and then calling themselves a whore.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  There's also this funny thing too, that like, you always realize how the, the source of the statement or the joke has such huge impact. Like if, you know, that same exact sentence was said by a woman, people would be like, finally someone's saying, you know what I mean? Like the response would be different. If Steph Tolev or Nikki Glaser or Jessica Curzon was out on, out there saying this thing about going to the gym women are wearing, it changes it entirely. It's like the same, you know, you, you have to be like sometimes of the group to get away with saying the thing.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Here's the lesson. Here's the takeaway. You can't talk about people who are looking to post every single day. Okay?

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Because this is what Pete Davidson and Shane Gillis have taught us. He, they went after a group of people who post every day and are always looking to fill content. So when you go after them, you just gave them their week of content. And, and, and by the way, I, I don't really, I don't really have, the word whore never really, slut was always the one in my, was the bad word. You can't say slut. Whore was, whore was the broad stroke. So I'm tone deaf to all of it. I've been calling Leanne a slut for years. Privately, I go, where's my slut? I love it. I love it. I call her, I call her bitch. I call her, I've been called Leanne a whore.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  There's this one experiment that like would have been interesting, which is like, I wonder what would have happened if.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  If just that word had been used, like had been substituted for another word, like I just wonder if the same, excuse me, the same firestorm, like, you know, I mean, results, i- if the word is substituted for another word, I wonder if it was like, if that was a huge part-

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Like if he had said floozy?

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Just like, have you seen, they really look like, I don't know, like even if he had described, like if he had been like, they really look like they're ready to-

• 10:08Speaker 00

  But can I, can I pivot- Can I pivot right here?

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  Here's the problem, everyone's getting caught up on the fact that they think Shane just called women whores. That's not what his, his joke, his joke is that he is caught looking at them in the back while they're filming. He is caught looking, his joke was Shane knew he's got a good, ugly, caught face where he goes like this. And so that was what he, he was just getting to that and whore was like a placeholder to get there.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  So like I-

• 10:36Speaker 01

  I know, but it gets all the attention, it gets all the attention.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  It's, it's, it's a, it's a way to get there.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  It's like you're, you're, you have that big N word joke and everyone thinks like they go, oh, he said, Bert said the N word. But they don't think about the fact that what your joke's really about is like white, no, it's about how white people have behaved a certain way for generations. And it's like, oh, Bert said the N word, let's talk about that. And they don't think about how you're saying, no, the white people are at-

• 11:04Speaker 00

  Guys, I don't say the N word, I've never said the N word, everyone in this room is black, Tom, everyone in this room. Can you guys come over here for a second? Can you come over here a second? The whole room is black and you're saying this and they're just like, eyes, look at this.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. He has a great N word joke.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  That's okay, alright, thank you guys.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  No, I think, you know, and by the way-

• 11:26Speaker 01

  The, sorry, I'm just, we can get back to your joke later, but the, um, the whole internet like just popped off and you just saw Instagram became this, you know, everyone being like clapping for all my fellow, yeah, whores at the gym.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  I love it, I love it, I love it, and I loved it, I gotta be honest with you, man, I'm tone deaf to all this. I don't have a problem with this or with her, and I'm sure that doesn't like hurt Shane's feelings.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  I think people really got excited to post.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  This girl got, this girl got lit up.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Did she really?

• 11:54Speaker 00

  This was the one, I, I, I saw her in my feed a bunch because she was like, she was like one of the first ones to be like not the hottest woman to post and then Shane's fans went after her.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  And were like, not you, you're safe, you pig.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Like, it's so fu- I mean,

• 12:18Speaker 00

  the fans.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Poor girl, this poor girl, this poor girl.

• 12:47Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Yeah.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  A whore?

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  Okay, there's a lot, it's, it is funny, the amount of people who are just like, he's talking about all of us. It's like, no, he wasn't talking about all of you.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  He wasn't talking about you.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Very clearly describing a certain, okay, well, anyway.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  I, I just wanna say, I love those pants, let's not lose those pants.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Don't lose those pants in this discussion, those pants fucking rock. And if I can get all women to wear those pants, including, and, and actually, I'm just talking to my wife, if I can get Leanne to pair those pants and write whore across her chest and then tag Shane Gillis, I would fucking love that. That's what Leanne, I want Leanne to fucking protest this. Leanne thought, Leanne liked it, she was like, I didn't see a problem with it.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  But Leanne loves Shane, I love Shane, look, I'm a ride or die for Shane. So like, it's also, what are you gonna get from me? I've fucking known Shane forever, I, I love Shane, I, I, I texted him the second this all happened.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  And said, uh, I, I, you know, I always have your back.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  You were like, fuck these-

• 14:01Speaker 00

  I was a ride or die when he said the Asian shit. I was like, oh my God, look at these, hold on.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:08Speaker 00

  These are fucking incredible.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  They're amazing.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  I, oh, I love those on the far left, that's the one I want Leanne to wear.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  That, that one top left there?

• 14:18Speaker 00

  Whoever fucking created those is a genius.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, those are amazing.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  They're incredible. Can I, can I, uh, can I tell you what really bummed me out about this was Shane's ex-girlfriend went after him.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Really?

• 14:35Speaker 00

  There should be like an NDA when you date someone that like-

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Over this stuff?

• 14:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. She was like-

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Do you have a cold?

• 14:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, yeah, I got everything.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Do you want a tissue?

• 14:48Speaker 00

  No.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  It's gross to listen to.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  No, I'm fine.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  I think we're not fine, could you get a tissue?

• 14:54Speaker 00

  I hope this is better.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Okay, that was-

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Got better?

• 15:03Speaker 01

  A lot, yeah, thank you.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you have thought about trying therapy with our longtime partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with the average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. Let me tell you this, my name is Bert Kreischer and I love the work I'm doing in therapy. I had a great conversation with my wife the other day because I was doing something we're talking about in therapy called goodwill listening. That's when you wanna listen, but you really don't have the mindset because you're going to do your own shit, but you shut your own shit down and then you listen. And it's turned into real listening, I know I sound like a lunatic saying this, but if you're a lunatic also, maybe you need therapy like me.

• 15:47Speaker 00

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• 16:29Speaker 00

  and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. You don't have insurance, don't live in the United States, you can still get 10% off your first month. Visit betterhelp.com/bears to explore your payment options. That's better, H E L P dot com slash bears.

• 16:51Speaker 01

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• 19:03Speaker 01

  Did you see?

• 19:08Speaker 01

  That that they called off the live execution?

• 19:13Speaker 00

  I know.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  And then Trump was like, I didn't know he was paralyzed.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  He's paralyzed?

• 19:18Speaker 01

  I guess. I just saw this. It's so funny that I think he'd be like, oh, he's paralyzed? Yeah, no, we're not doing, we're not gonna wheel him out and shoot him.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  How much better would this live execution be?

• 19:30Speaker 01

  What is that story say?

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Just hear me out. Yes. You roll him, you roll him far as fuck away, right? And then they each take their shot and they're like, he's still alive. And then you roll him five feet. You really kill this guy.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  They set him up.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  Five feet closer.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  They set him up at like, uh, at two, two miles away. And he's like, is anybody, and then the bullets just go, he's like, holy shit. It just goes right by his head. He's like.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  You got me. I think I'm dying. Don't shoot again.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  Oh my, after learning the Fort H, okay, scroll down. This is so fucking crazy. President Trump and his advisors are debating whether to call off the plans to livestream the firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, with Trump having remarked privately that he did not initially know that Nadal Hassan was paralyzed from the waist down. The president was like, I just can't imagine him being like, he's what? They're like, he is paralyzed. And he's like, that's not good. I don't like that.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  He's gotta be so much fun to be around on a daily basis.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Trump?

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  So entertaining.

• 20:35Speaker 00

  In his cabinet, just, he's paralyzed. Paralyzed?

• 20:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  Aw, then call it off. Never mind. Let's not do it.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Even after Hegseth posted on X confirming that the Pentagon planned to livestream the execution, Trump polled several of his advisors and allies on how to proceed. It was during those conversations, he learned he was paralyzed. He was shot in the back by law enforcement during the 2009 shootout at Fort Hood, and he now uses a wheelchair, which made showing the execution less palatable to the president. He's like, a guy in a chair, just getting lit up by a fucking firing squad? I don't know. What do the polls say? Well, that is really surprising. I also did not know he was paralyzed and, um.

• 21:22Speaker 00

  I didn't know. But how paralyzed? Can he use his hands?

• 21:24Speaker 01

  He's, I think he has hand control, at least some. He's waist down paralyzed. He's not a quadriplegic.

• 21:31Speaker 00

  They should.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Here's what's ironic for me, though.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  I was not into the idea of watching the live streaming execution, but I do think I'm curious about seeing a paralyzed guy get shot. You know, I do think I would have maybe turned into that. That's how I, I don't know. Yeah, I think it's a more interesting.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  I think what we do, and this is how we get out of our deficit, is we also paralyze him from the neck down. So we get rid of his arms, right? And then we rent him to people for like, a week for a high price.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 00

  And he's, and they can have this guy. So instead of him living the rest of his life, or getting executed and being put out of his misery, we force him to live a very unhappy life.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like that a lot. Yeah.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think it's a good idea that you can, you can do, you can torture him if you want, you can beat him. Yeah.

• 22:29Speaker 00

  I mean, I don't believe this guy deserves to, I mean, the livestream was more a disgusting reflection on me and, and society was that we were willing to watch it. And I wasn't, I wasn't like fired up to watch it. I was just like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, instead of being the guy, do you remember Two Girls, One Cup? When they're like, hey, sit down, I want you to see something. And you're like, what is it? What is it? What is it? What the, ah, what the fuck?

• 22:51Speaker 01

  Dude.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  He's fucking a horse? And then I don't want that.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  I remember when I showed my parents that and, and like the, the reaction of them was just unbelievable. It was one of the best things I've ever done. That, but those are fun moments, the surprise, you gotta see this. But surprise shows show somebody an execution is crazy.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  How fucking, how fun would that surprise is? You go, you guys wanna see something really cool? And they roll this guy out. They're like, is he gonna learn to walk? And you're like, no, no, just keep watching. He's gonna get out of the wheelchair. Shut the fuck up. And they're like, no, no, no. Wait, what are those soldiers doing? Oh, my God. He's, he came back from battle and he's gonna walk to them? And you're like, no, no, keep watching.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Keep watching.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  They killed him? Like, oh, yeah, you didn't even seen this one yet?

• 23:36Speaker 01

  You haven't seen this? Yeah, he was paralyzed and then they just shot him and killed him.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  That's fucking, what a hot week in media.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  The best, dude. So much going on. Have you seen the new White House Press Secretary?

• 23:50Speaker 00

  No, but I saw someone. No, I haven't.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  I don't know what's, I mean.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  Oh, yes, I have. Yes, I have. Yes, I have.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Her speaking is what I'm talking about.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  I have seen this. She's fucking awesome.

• 24:08Speaker 01

  It's.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  I love it. I love it.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Her press conference, it, she had trouble read, I guess it's nerve wracking. That makes sense. I'm not saying.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop right there. It does not make sense. It does not make sense. She is press secretary. That's not, I'm not, I'm not disqualifying that I love her.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  No, no, I'm saying nerves make sense on day one. I was saying it makes sense to be nervous, to be like, I speak in the West Wing, but like, just check out some of this shit. Just watch.

• 24:37Speaker 00

  I wanna see it. I wanna see it.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  I am so honored to work for President Trump and the American people as the new White House Press Secretary.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  That's cool. So far, so good.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  I want to thank President Trump for his trust that he has placed in me.

• 24:56Speaker 03

  I have wanted to work for him for a very long time.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  She's very nervous.

• 25:01Speaker 00

  Is she American?

• 25:01Speaker 03

  I'm looking forward to working with each of you as well. Especially as we are in the middle of the midterm blitz with energy and excitement never seen before in the history of midterms, thanks to President Trump.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  It's.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Just look no further than last night in Youngstown, Ohio, where President Trump delivered another blockbuster rally out on the trail. The arena was overflowing with enthusiasm.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  Like she's struggling to read.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  What's her name? I wanna find her on Instagram. I guarantee you she's got a picture.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Zacharia.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  With a K?

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, with a K, yeah, Katie.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, Katie Zacharia. I guarantee you she's got a picture of her in workout outfits.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 25:49Speaker 00

  I guarantee it. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. Katie Zacharia, Katie Zacharia, Katie Zacharia, Katie Zacharia. Give me a fucking workout picture. I see you. You're in an elevator. You're not too far off, Katie Zacharia. Let's go to early Katie Zacharia. You on the beach? Nope. Here we go. Here we go. A lot of politics, a lot of politics. Katie, where are you in the gym?

• 26:09Speaker 01

  No, she's.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  One picture of you in the gym.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  She's, look, man, she's, she's a beautiful woman.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Oh, I got her. I got her. Boom, baby. I love it. Our press secretary is a.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 26:26Speaker 00

  You can't do this, Katie. This triggers us, Katie. Here's another one. Jesus Christ. This doesn't happen in Iran.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Look at that. Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  Fucking, I love you, Katie. I am Team Katie, top to bottom. I am fucking here for, yes, I love this, dude. I love this chick. Not great at public speaking. Post gym outfits. I love her. Katie Zacharia, my name is Bert Kreischer, and I have your back.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  I knew it. I knew it.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  I wanna see.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Just, who's our old press secretary? Was it, uh, Condi?

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Condi?

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Condi, that's what I call her. Condoleezza Rice?

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Condoleezza Rice was, no.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  What was she?

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Caroline Levitt was the last.

• 27:10Speaker 00

  Who, what was Condoleezza Rice?

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Condoleezza Rice.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Baddest motherfucker in America.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Was a, uh, not a press secretary. She was, um, Secretary of State.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Wow. Can me tell you a great Condoleezza Rice story?

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Oh, you have a Condoleezza Rice story?

• 27:28Speaker 00

  I love this. I read a book about nine 11. On nine 11, shit goes down, right? They're like, yo, we gotta lock shit down. We're gonna give everyone five minutes to get your shit in order, call your families, make sure everyone's safe. And then we're meeting in, in the go room, you know, like the, under the country, under the thing in the boardroom to figure out what our next steps are. The guy that was telling this, I think it was, maybe it was Dick Cheney or something, says he gets down there and Condoleezza Rice is already sitting at the table. And they're like, Condi, do you wanna, real quick, do you wanna take care of anything? And she goes, no, everyone I love is dead. Let's, let's get to work. Fuck, yeah, Condi. I fucking love Condoleezza Rice. I love George Bush.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  I love Condoleezza Rice. I'm telling you, man. I love Barack Obama. I love Bill Clinton. But Condoleezza Rice is my motherfucker. If I could get a Condoleezza Rice shirt.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Really?

• 28:25Speaker 00

  I love Condoleezza Rice. I don't know why. I think because I really loved George Bush Jr. I loved him. I just got a kick out of him. You know, I don't follow politics, but the fact, the day I fell in love with him was the day, there's a great video of him walking through the United Nations. Saying what's up to everyone and he doesn't know anyone's name and he's like, what's up, big dog? And he's like, chief, how we doing, captain? Hey, kimosabe.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  You've seen, you've seen the clip of him where he's on the golf course and he, I forget what question he answers.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  I gotta crush his drive.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  He's like, no, watch this drive. Yeah.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  I fucking love him.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  That shit is so funny, dude. We must stop the terror. The terror. I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Now watch this drive.

• 29:17Speaker 00

  Crushes it and he stripes it.

• 29:19Speaker 01

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• 30:04Speaker 01

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• 30:49Speaker 01

  Hailing from the foothills of Tennessee in 1948 by way of two brothers who knew what it meant to have a good time outside. It's the kind of simple roots you can't help but respect. Love the taste of that crisp citrus kick, especially after tossing around a football in the backyard or breaking out the grill on game day. I mean, for me, I can't even believe I have to give you a reason why fall is better than summer. There's not even close. This is the best time of year. So get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American original tasting great since 48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Let me tell you something. I'm so glad we're out of the world where we hated Bush because like I had to keep my, my voice and my opinion low back in the day. Cause there was something about him that just made me, tickled me. And my dad, my dad hated him.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, a lot of people hated him. And then the war changed it, but then time has helped him. Time and like the current administration has made people go, you know, that guy was not that like, you know what I mean? Everybody used to say like, is there anybody dumber than this guy? That was the thing. They're like, this guy is dumber than a box of sand. And then Trump came in office and they were like, oh, maybe that guy was like an MIT physics professor. Because no one is dumber than this guy. It's just the craziest thing that perspective really changes over time.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  What's, what's crazy, this is what else I love about George W. Bush Jr. He gives Werther's to Michelle Obama and then they go to like big events.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  Well, they're all at least like have.

• 32:26Speaker 00

  They're all friends.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Well, they have human, like they have decency.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Like those people all have some level of decency and they're, yeah, that's where Trump is so different.

• 32:35Speaker 00

  His dad's one of the baddest motherfuckers ever built. I mean, his dad was. Dude.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  Don't get me started about, they don't make Americans like that. And I understand politically you're going to get upset or whatever. That's not what I'm talking about. He signed up in World War II. We're talking planes were just kind of invented. And he signed up in World War II to do dive bomb missions into Japan. And then, and then when he landed, they would give him one shot of whiskey to calm his nerves. That's it. And he did all those dive bomb missions over in Japan that, I mean, and then came back CIA or FBI or whatever the fuck.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  No, he ran the CIA, dude.

• 33:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  He was also what ambassador to China? He was, yeah. Pretty high level stuff, man.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  I, I, I love, I, I think the older I get, the more, the less political sides you're on matter to me. And just like the, like the, the, the worth of that man. Like there's people that, you know, dislike Winston Churchill, fucking love the guy. Love the guy.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  But you love him personally.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  I like Napoleon.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  I like, I like Genghis Khan. Like I'm a fan of Genghis Khan.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  What did he smell like? Didn't you buy Napoleon's?

• 33:46Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  Really?

• 33:47Speaker 00

  Incredible. I bought Napoleon's scent and it's incredible. It's like a, it's a very floral.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  Where did you do it? Where was it again?

• 33:54Speaker 00

  In France.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  You were in Paris?

• 33:56Speaker 00

  In Paris. And we walked into this old beauty shop and Leanne goes, this is like the highest end beauty shop. You know, Leanne has got a real pretty woman-esque to her. Or dare I say, Kelly Clarkson-esque to her. And she's, she just walks in and she goes, but I don't know nothing about what's in here. And they're like, they're like, they're like.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Please leave, please leave the store, please.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Please leave, leave. I can smell you from here. And they were like, and then someone was like, oh my gosh, are you that machine? And I went, I am. And he goes, are you with this, this feeble minded peasant? And I said, I am. That's my wife. And they went, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come in. The store is open to you. And then Leanne was doing her business and I said, they said, can we introduce you to a clone? And I was like, nah, I don't really wear clones. And they're like, really? And they're like, you know, we're one of the oldest things in France. And I go, yeah, do you guys have Napoleon's clone? Just joking. Cause I wanted to see where they beheaded Maria Antoinette.

• 34:56Speaker 00

  Like when I was in Paris, I wanted to see, I guess that happened in Germany. But anyway, I didn't follow through. And so, so I, um, I, they were like, yeah, we have Napoleon's clone. And I went, are you serious? And they're like, it's right here. I smelled it. I fucking loved it. I loved it. Napoleon was a bad motherfucker.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 35:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was. I mean, and by the way, I gotta say, not that small for the time. I mean, they were all pretty short.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Right. What was he like? Five, seven or something? Shorter?

• 35:30Speaker 00

  Five, I think shorter. I think, how, how tall, how tall?

• 35:33Speaker 01

  How tall?

• 35:35Speaker 00

  I, our press secretary is fucking hot.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, she looks good, man.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  She's beautiful. I'm gonna like this and follow her.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  I'm gonna direct message her. Should I message her?

• 35:43Speaker 01

  He was five, six to five, seven, it said.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  Five, six, five, seven. That's Tony Hinchcliffe's site.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Tony Hinchcliffe is catching some flares today, huh?

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Today?

• 35:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, for me, I'm lighting them up. I got them on my mind. I just followed her and DM'd her. I was like, hey, would you like to come on my podcast?

• 36:02Speaker 01

  I don't know. Like it was, it, it's weird that she's the press secretary. Like I'm saying with her speaking skills, like was she a broadcaster before this? Is that what she did?

• 36:12Speaker 00

  No, I think she's just political and beautiful.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Can you, can you look at that, guys? Like, is that on a, is that her background?

• 36:22Speaker 01

  I don't understand.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Her career, she was depart, she was deputy assistant secretary for public affairs. She worked as a.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  She went to Pepperdine?

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Oh, she worked as a commentator for Newsmax. Oh, boy.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  After graduating, she failed the California bar exam before moving to China with her husband. When they asked her, yeah, that was the big, the big news. It was like, they were like, when did you, where did you pass the bar? And she replied, when I moved to China. She subsequently said that because of the noise coming from the helicopter, she misheard the question, where were you after law school? The bar exam in mainland China is reserved for Chinese citizens. She is not Chinese. I don't know that she passed the bar exam anywhere in the United States. She, uh, they subsequently confirmed that she had failed the bar exam and was not a practicing lawyer. Despite her not practicing attorney, she has repeatedly referred to herself as a lawyer during her appearances on Fox News and on social media.

• 37:21Speaker 00

  Like this, like a lawyer?

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm a lawyer. Yeah.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  And I'm an athlete.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's really.

• 37:27Speaker 00

  I'm not an alcoholic.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 37:30Speaker 00

  I like this game.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  You like this game?

• 37:31Speaker 00

  Tom's not racist.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  That's really cool. That's cool.

• 37:37Speaker 00

  Tom's.

• 37:39Speaker 01

  She was, Kate, okay. This is gonna be, I think this is gonna be short-lived, Bert.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  You think?

• 37:46Speaker 01

  I don't think this is gonna last.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  I'll hire her.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  I think she will be press secretary for

• 37:54Speaker 01

  under six months, maybe under three.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  Do we change? I thought once you got, that was like a life term.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  No, no, no. I think this is gonna be one of those real quick shifts here. Yeah. She's gonna be out quick. Very exciting though. That's okay. You can pull that down. Um, oh, there you go, Bert.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  I love her.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  That's our press secretary.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  I know. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Look at her. I love this. I, that's the one I fucking liked.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  That's the one you liked. Yep.

• 38:23Speaker 00

  Look at her.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  She's great.

• 38:25Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  I wouldn't be shocked if, uh, if, um, I mean, what, what are we doing anyway? It's like you just, what is she, what does a press secretary do? They get up and they go like, uh,

• 38:37Speaker 01

  Well, they, they.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  He had a lot of phone calls today and I, and I patched them through.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  They're the connection between the administration and the media. So they're the, the mouthpiece for the administration.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, you have to be, the good ones are very savvy at, at handling the questions. They're also super well informed. They're very articulate, but yeah, I don't know, man.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  Wasn't the guy, wasn't the guy from Harold and Kumar a press secretary?

• 39:05Speaker 01

  The guy from Harold and Kumar?

• 39:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. Wasn't that a guy, a press secretary? The Indian guy? Or Asian, rather?

• 39:12Speaker 01

  He was a White House staffer, it says. I don't know.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  How do I get in the White House? I think it's actually achievable.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  You?

• 39:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. If I just talk positive about Trump, I bet I can get in the White House.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  I think you could get in the Oval Office. I think you could get there in a very short amount of time.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  If that's a goal of yours, which feels like it is, I think you could really easily pull that off.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  We're living in a fever dream right now. So like, if anything was ever gonna be achievable, it's right now. Like, we're gonna go back to a regular life and like, when's the next election? In four years?

• 39:46Speaker 01

  Oh my god. When's the next election in four years? Did we just elect the president?

• 39:51Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Twenty-eight?

• 39:54Speaker 00

  In one year? In two years.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  No, no. Like, the election will be in twenty-seven for twenty-eight. Yeah.

• 40:00Speaker 00

  Okay. So we got one year left of this.

• 40:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  It's like, listen, our parents are on vacation, it's Sunday. Are we really just gonna clean the house? Let's fucking throw a rager and have a pool party, and then just when they come home, they're gonna yell at us anyway. They have Nest cams. They know we've been partying. We might as well just all clean it up on Sunday and just party balls Sunday, and do what we're gonna do, cut our hair, and let our parents come home and yell at us, and then be like, fuck, now we all gotta clean it up together.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude. Blow it up. I think, why don't you do like some super MAGA post? And like, have it, it'll go viral.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  I bet it will.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  And then just have your reps reach out to the White House and be like, Burt wants to come to the White House and do a speech, and like, meet the president and talk about how great he is. And I'm sure Trump would be like, come on over.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  Nate Bargatze actually got into the White House.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  When he went there?

• 40:54Speaker 00

  He got into it.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Because he was invited.

• 40:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was invited to, I mean, if Nate can get into the White House, I can definitely get into the Oval Office.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  I think you definitely can.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Here's the question.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  What a cool goal. Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  It's gonna be, it's gonna be a lot of pushback from my family.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Really?

• 41:11Speaker 00

  Oh, well, my side.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 41:15Speaker 00

  The Lian side would be pretty fired up.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Oh, you think the Kreishers?

• 41:18Speaker 00

  The, my dad would fucking, my dad, when he saw a picture of one of our friends, not Rogan, but one of our friends with Trump, my dad said to me very clearly, buddy, you're not to like, take a picture with him. And I was like, I got it. He was like, I mean, look, if there's anything I've learned in therapy, it's everything about me is about approval for my fucking father. So...

• 41:44Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  That's deadly accurate. That's wild. That's so good. That's so good. Holy shit.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  What watch am I wearing?

• 42:02Speaker 01

  That's fucking great, man.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  Oh my god. That's, god damn it. That looks, that's so fucking...

• 42:15Speaker 00

  You know, do you ever feel like this podcast does more worse for us than good in our careers?

• 42:23Speaker 01

  That's so good, dude. You would be like that. You would be like, oh, like, mouth open.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  Hey, Burt, you, what if President Trump was like, take your shirt off? Take the shirt off.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Dude, I don't have, I don't, I'm a Billy Busher. Like, I'm a, I'm a, I am. When I met Billy Bush, I actually gave him a hug and said, I understand everything you went through because I am you. I am a glad-handing, smile, not question it, sure thing. I'm not a pushback guy at all.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  What do you think that's all about? That people pleasing?

• 43:00Speaker 00

  I don't know. Because I want people to like me. And it sucks. It sucks. And I actually was getting a glass of champagne, and there was this older black woman, she saw me on Instagram. She goes, yeah, I just got rid of mine. And I was like, yeah? She was like, yeah, I can't let people fucking tell me I'm fat. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, it doesn't matter what people say about you, it's how you feel about yourself. And I said, what if how you feel about yourself is based on what people say about you? She goes, looked at me, she goes, honey, you're fucked, and just walked away.

• 43:34Speaker 00

  But I mean, like, like, here's the thing that I gotta call bullshit on for every one of us, is we would not be on stage performing comedy if we didn't care what people thought. I mean, there's

• 43:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  Very, very few of us, and, and I, and you can tell the guys who do it, they care. Like, I guarantee you, and I, and I, you know, I'm a ride or die for Shane, and I'm just saying that, I'm just doing this to humanize the man, is, I guarantee you, he's a little upset that everyone took that one joke and ran with it, and then, and it's polarizing people. Shane's not a like, fuck everyone kind of guy. Shane is a, let's have a good time guy. Let's all have a beer. Let's, he texts me very like, thoughtful, sensitive things, you know, like, like, and so, because he ultimately, like us,

• 44:25Speaker 00

  is looking for the approval of an audience. And, and even Joe Rogan, who I think could care less what one human being thinks about him. He will, I can promise you this, change his words on stage if it doesn't get a laugh. If it doesn't get a laugh, he will edit those words so that they are appeasable enough for a laugh. That is the job of a comedian. And, and yeah, I just, I don't know. I wish I could get rid of it, man. I really wish I could.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  Me working there.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  I'm on so much therapy right now. I was sitting next to a woman on a plane, I shouldn't tell you this story, I shouldn't say this out loud. But I, but I will, because, you know. So I was sitting next to a woman on a plane. She goes, what do you do for a living? I said, I'm a comedian. This is very recent, Tom.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  This is like, two weeks ago. She goes, oh, really? What's your name? And I said, Bert Kreischer. She goes, are you on YouTube? And I said, I am. And she typed in Bert Kreischer. And then she flipped it around, and it was a picture of me, and it was like, and it was a really bad picture of me. It was like, the most hated man on the internet. And, and I, obviously, it's, you know, it's a, not a fan, but the opposite of a fan, video of me. Guy hates me, and so he does videos about me. I don't, I didn't see it, I haven't watched it. And then she looked at me and goes, what did you do?

• 45:53Speaker 00

  And I was like, nothing. And I couldn't say to her, nothing. Nothing. I did absolute, I was just trying to make people like me, and then some people just, based on me wanting people to like me, don't like that about me, that I want people to like me, or maybe they can't identify with that within themselves, so they make video. And I also wanted to be like, look, there's a whole arm of the internet that just wants views, and they don't really care if it damages your, your life, they just want views. There are people that want, I mean, they don't care, it's like, they're real like, the, and I say the word troll, I don't mean it bad, but the real essence of a troll is they enjoy watching the chaos.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  They enjoy throwing a Molotov cocktail into a mall and watching people run. And I just was like, and I sat next to this woman on the plane, and she didn't speak to me again the whole flight. And she was like, because she has no frame of reference, she's not gonna watch it and go, wow, it seems like they just pulled clips of you from a podcast, and that they didn't really represent you the full, she didn't do any of that. She just was like, wow. And I was like, oh, this is cool. What I'd say next time, what do you do for a living? I'm a fucking abortion doctor.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  My name's Bert Kreischer. Google it.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  No one would believe you're a doctor. Ever.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  No one.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  No one. But yeah, I know what you're saying, man. I know, that, that, that arm of the internet is rough, and nobody, no one like, goes, oh, I enjoy being the, you know, the, the subject of one of these videos about like,

• 47:21Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  No. I know. But what can you do? Like, what can you do?

• 47:25Speaker 00

  Nothing. And the truth is, you said it, is, the other part of me is also, it's like, you know, there's a part of me that goes, they, those people that make those videos are pretty talented, they make great videos, they get lots of views. I don't wanna, I don't, if that's how you make your rent, I don't wanna like, look, if I'm a thing that you can make rent off of, then, and I'm making rent, I make pretty good rent, and it's not affecting my life, I mean, other than an awkward, and then, I have to, so be it. I haven't, I've never done a video strike, I've never asked anyone to take anything down. And there are some really horrible things out there, and you just gotta go, I know. I know.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:05Speaker 00

  I know.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  No, I, I know, man. I, I totally get what you're saying. I really do. It's just, you know, all you can do in that situation, I think, is just keep living the way you wanna live and, and care about like, what your family and friends think of you. Like, that's really it.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Yeah. And, and by the way, I also, I create every day, and I take things on stage, and I have a very lucrative career, and I have a very happy life. I mean, I really do. If you keep that shit out of your lane, it's like, look, I guess there's people that like, I guess there's a teacher at a, at a middle school that all the kids call him gay behind his back. And, and, you know, and he's gotta deal with that. Everyone's got their fucking thing. And the more famous you get, the bigger they get, and you gotta fucking deal with it. And if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. Look, if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. That's it. And I'm still here, I can deal with it.

• 48:57Speaker 01

  There you go. And, you know, to put things in perspective, I guess the Pope has cancer.

• 49:02Speaker 00

  What?

• 49:03Speaker 01

  That's what I just heard.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  The American Pope has cancer?

• 49:06Speaker 01

  I know. What a bummer, man. We got an American there.

• 49:08Speaker 00

  Are you fucking kidding me?

• 49:10Speaker 01

  What's the details on this? Is it like,

• 49:15Speaker 01

  he's got lung cancer, and he successfully underwent surgery to remove a malignant tumor. Oh, okay. Well, he's recovering in the hospital. All the best. Prayers up to the Pope.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  That's uh.

• 49:27Speaker 00

  Well, I'll be praying for Monday.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  What's his name? Pope Frank or something?

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Pope Leo?

• 49:34Speaker 00

  Pope Leo, yeah.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. That's.

• 49:37Speaker 00

  Pope Leo. From Chicago. He's a White Sox fan, right?

• 49:41Speaker 01

  He is. He's a White Sox fan.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th at the Chicago Theater. I'll be doing uh, I'll be uh, doing a moment of silence for our Pope. I love doing it at church. Nothing, I'm just fucking around. I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Right after my birthday, yeah.

• 50:01Speaker 01

  Right after you turn 54?

• 50:04Speaker 00

  Yup. 54, best shape of my life. I'm a fucking, I got up this morning, ran three miles, lifted weights. No one in the gym with me. I just fucking destroyed. And then I took some awesome pictures of me. And then one of the maintenance guys saw me taking a picture of myself and he just laughed.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  He did?

• 50:23Speaker 00

  He laughed.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Were you doing like?

• 50:25Speaker 00

  Elevator door opened and I was, I was standing. I'll show you the fucking picture, Tom. I was standing with my phone like this and it was good, it was good uh, it was good lighting on my arm. It was really good lighting on my arm. And uh, yeah, look at the picture. This is the picture.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  And the maintenance guy saw that?

• 50:45Speaker 00

  And the maintenance guy saw me doing that. And he was, and the door, the elevator door just opened and I'm right there doing it and he went,

• 50:54Speaker 00

  and then the door is just closed and I went, fuck!

• 50:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  There's great lighting on my arm. I'll post it.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  He's like, man, I just saw this fucking 62 year old guy taking a photo of himself in the mirror.

• 51:08Speaker 00

  Can I tell you what, 62, my ass, I fucking, I bet he was like, god damn it, I wish I was young again. Can I tell you what I've been doing, Tom, which I fucking love? I've been doing adventure runs.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  Adventure runs?

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Adventure runs.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  What's an adventure run?

• 51:26Speaker 00

  So what I do is I pick landmarks in a city that I wanna see and then I jog to them. And now I've been doing it on the road with my, with the crew. I make everyone, I started realizing, I talked about this. I did, I did one of those videos where a guy walks by you on the road and then goes, hey, can I ask you what you do for a living? I've always wanted to do one and then I did one. And I was like, oh, I wish I had answered differently.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I know this guy. I've seen these before.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  It caught me off guard. I was buying uh, I was buying James Purse shirts in uh, the Village.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  You were on your way, were you like?

• 51:58Speaker 00

  To James Purse.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  You were in Soho?

• 52:01Speaker 00

  I was in, no, in the West Village. I think I was in the West Village.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Yeah. I was gonna buy a leather carry-on bag to put a pillow in for Europe and there's a James Purse store. I was like, I'm gonna grab some shirts and a tracksuit to fly in. And I ran into this guy and he just caught me off guard and I did not, I did not do it right. I mean, I did it right. I did it right. But I wish I had a second shot at it.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  Let's see, let's see. You're just walking down the street?

• 52:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:25Speaker 04

  Excuse me, sir, excuse me, I love the outfit, what do you?

• 52:28Speaker 01

  I love the outfit?

• 52:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:30Speaker 04

  My name is Tom, what do you, what do you do for a living?

• 52:32Speaker 00

  I'm a comedian.

• 52:33Speaker 04

  Really?

• 52:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:34Speaker 04

  What's your, what's your name?

• 52:35Speaker 00

  My name's Bert Kreischer.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  Bert, oh, nice to meet you. What's your favorite part of your job?

• 52:39Speaker 00

  My favorite part about my job? A comedian doesn't cover it all. I got a podcast, I got vodka, I got a TV show, I got a tour. I got a 5K, I got a cruise. I, I, yeah, well, you can't just be a comedian these days. This job has changed. But uh, my favorite part about being a comedian, without a doubt, is the moment right before you figure out a joke. The time you're on stage where you haven't figured it out quite yet, but you know the next time you're on stage, you've got it.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  He has no idea what you're talking about.

• 53:08Speaker 04

  You know what I wanted to ask you?

• 53:08Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 53:09Speaker 04

  I feel like, what do you feel like you're missing in your life right now? I feel like when people hear like comedian.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  I wish I'd never said this. I felt so, I feel so vulnerable from saying this. Because I was just thinking about this. I was talking to Leanne about this.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Let's see, let's see.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  You're catching me at the right time. I'm in a lot of therapy right now.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  Friends.

• 53:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Friends.

• 53:30Speaker 04

  Why, why is that?

• 53:30Speaker 00

  You, you know, you get so focused on work and at a certain point, it's all family. And then you go out on tour and you don't have a regular life where it's like 5 o'clock and everyone goes and meets for drinks. Or you know, let's go see a movie or who wants to go for a bike ride or we're training for a triathlon. You're on tour in a tour bus with people you pay and other comics. How you doing? Thank you, man, thank you.

• 53:52Speaker 04

  Oh, well, you're someone. Who are you?

• 53:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm a comedian. Yeah, I perform shirtless. So yeah, so I think, you know, that's, my wife and I are working on expanding our friends. I have a lot of like, I have a lot of uh, chat groups, you know, like text groups that we all keep in touch with. But comedians, we're like lone wolves. We all go off in our different directions and then, you know, see each other sometimes at the club. But friends, friends is.

• 54:15Speaker 04

  The most important thing.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Friends is the most important thing.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  I guess let me ask you one more question. How do you wanna be remembered?

• 54:20Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a big one for you.

• 54:22Speaker 00

  No, I wish I fucked it up. I fucked it up. Listen, if I get remembered at all, that's all that matters. If I got remembered at all, if anyone ever remembers me and goes like, god damn, that Bert was a good time. I did my job. I did my job. I fucked it up, Tom. I have different answers. I have different answers.

• 54:41Speaker 01

  I feel like the real answer to that, to that question is like, how do I wanna be remembered? I want 30,000, 50,000 people at my funeral and I want them to talk about how amazing I was. And I wanted to be the fucking biggest party ever, yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  I would say, I wanna be remembered the way they remembered Franz Ferdinand's son's wedding. They celebrated for one month and they drank until the fucking fields were dry. It's called Oktoberfest.

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Have you seen footage like Kim Jong Il's uh, funeral procession? Like, that's what I want.

• 55:16Speaker 00

  Yes. I want people fake crying because they're afraid there's a camera on them and they'll be hunted down by the fucking state police.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  I, this is the answer that I wish I'd said.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  The way that, also just like the way that these internet interview, like, it's so funny that somebody says to you, he goes, oh, he goes, you're someone, who are you? It's like, you're in the middle of the interview, man. You already asked them. Who are you?

• 55:41Speaker 00

  It's, it's, I wish I had said, what do you do for a living? I just would've said comedian, dropped it there. Comedian, dropped it there. I would've never said anything else. What's your favorite part of your job? I would've been funny. I would've said uh, having an assistant, making money, standing ovations, uh, buying watches, flying private. I would've made a joke about.

• 56:00Speaker 01

  This is very endearing, Bert. This is very endearing. Yeah, this is a good interview.

• 56:04Speaker 00

  What is life missing? I would've said, uh, I don't know. I just, I like, it caught me off guard and I, and then everyone's texting me like, I'll be your friend. And I'm like, and I'm like, uh, I'm like, and then friends texted me like, dude, are we, are we cool? And I'm like, for god.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  I think it's a, I think that's a really good interview. I think it, it seems like very sincere. It seemed like a very sincere clip.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  You ever see Chris, that he got Chris DiStefano one time?

• 56:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've seen that. He's like, I'm a gay man, just being gay.

• 56:36Speaker 00

  He goes, what do you do for a living? I pound ass.

• 56:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's like, okay.

• 56:41Speaker 01

  He's also, this guy is like, he's clearly, he's from another part of the world. And he has no frame of reference, I think, for even like, I've seen him stop like well-known actors and he's like, what, what do you do? What's your name? And they're like, uh, I'm J-Lo. And he's like.

• 56:58Speaker 00

  Willem Dafoe.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, Willem Dafoe. And then he's like, what's your favorite part of your job? And then they're like, uh, it's just like, it's, it's kind of endearing that he doesn't know, but it's also like, he seems like way off on some of these things too.

• 57:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I.

• 57:12Speaker 01

  Who are you? Why, people know you? You're someone? Yeah. What the fuck, man?

• 57:17Speaker 00

  I would fucking, I, I wanna celebrate Chris DiStefano for a second.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  He is my, he might be my favorite human being alive.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  He, he did, he did an episode with Rachel, where something's burning. And you know, it's so funny is like, she wanted to be with a comic and I know comics so well and I know certain types of comics. And I, and I, and I feel like I'm pretty well-versed in comics, you know, like how they interact with people. And I said to myself, I need someone who's a little like myself. Who will want Rachel to like him. So like, it, cause if, if Rachel, I said, you know, and I, I would say this to Rachel, but you know, Rachel's a very busy woman. But there's two types of Rachel you can get. You can get a packed Rachel with a packed schedule where she has five minutes and she'll give you 15.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  But it, it's like, let's go, let's make this happen. And then you get the Rachel sometimes that is like, you got me for the day. And we got the Rachel that was there for the day. And she was very, she was like, we opened a bottle of white wine. But like, she didn't know Chris. And Chris DiStefano is so charming, so charming. And that, and Rachel, when, when she came in, you know, he's a comic, so he was making jokes and, you know, she's like, doesn't know how to take it. Within one hour, I swear to god, Tom, she invited him, him and his wife to her house in Tuscany. Chris DiStefano is so fucking incredible.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm not surprised. He is the, you're right, he's the most charming and also genuinely funny guy. Like, I laugh every time. We, we message each other about 10 times a week. And it's mostly, I'll just be honest, it's mostly homosexual content and we do a lot of role-playing. But that guy makes me laugh. So every clip that I see of him either on stage or doing a podcast, I watch. Cause like, he just, he always makes me smile, if not laugh, so hard. I, I think he, we, I was with Yanis and I was like, who do you think could start a cult, like for real? And he was like, oh, people would follow Chris. I was like, yeah, you're right. They would, they would follow him.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude, I, I gotta, I gotta also, cause I'm gonna say a compliment, I'm gonna backhand a compliment and then finish compliment. Cause my option was maybe Mark Norman. And I was like, Mark is not, and I love Mark and he's very charming. But there's a part of Mark that the joke is always more important than everything else.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  And so, and so I was like, I can't bring Mark and Rachel together because he's gonna like, he'll be like, if he, if he starts losing, he'll start punching. And I was like, okay. And then Mark said, I said, but I wanna do, I love Mark, so I was like, let's do an episode. And he said, I wanna do it with Keith Robinson. And I, I'm gonna be honest, for a second, I was like, you know, Keith's had four strokes. I'm not sure that's gonna be the best conversation. Dude, it was incredible. It was, and Mark was so wise, cause he, he goes, I wanna do it with Keith. Keith is like, he's gonna be great. And Keith was funny and he was insightful and he, and I forgot, Keith's been doing stand-up since 1985.

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  He has seen everything. He has seen everyone. He knows everyone. He knows everything. I mean, I, I was, it was such a great fucking episode. That's definitely not Keith Robinson.

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  Well, no, there's Keith is on there too. That is Keith.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's just two Keats sometimes.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, there's a couple of Keith Robinsons.

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:56Speaker 00

  And then I did one with the basement yard. And the basement yard, Tom, is, I'll say this and no one will, everyone will be like, they're much more, they're much safer than us. Like, they definitely don't say crazy shit that needs the camera off them and then bleeped out to get it said to make each other laugh. Like, they're safer, but they are young and they're not comics. So everything they say is just to make each other laugh and they love each other. And it reminded me so much, I've been listening to their episodes. It reminded me so much of when we were in the pandemic and we started this and we weren't doing stand-up and we were just burning any material on the podcast.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  And by the way, we didn't have anyone to talk to. So it was just me and you showing up once a week and that was the one person you got to see in person. And they were a great episode, but then I tried to, like, you try to get, they're not getting in trouble. Like, they're not gonna say anything that can be clipped out and then, you know, fuck with their lives.

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 1:02:01Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  I wish I had less of that. I wish I, fucking what is wrong with me? That like I say things that I go, that out of context, I look like a fucking idiot, but I, I'm doing it to make everyone laugh. I'm fucking, I gotta stop. I'm just gonna.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  No, you're good. You do what you do, man. You do it well. I think you should keep doing what you do. I think you should push forward no matter what people say, you know? And you can listen when you find a moment that you go, I'm gonna be introspective. And if you think there's validity to what someone is saying, whether it's from the outside or close to you, you examine that. But I think you're on a good path, man.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  I feel really good. I've been working out every day. I've been sick, but I've been working out and I've been working hard and I got a crazy run ahead of me.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do. Make sure you take, get your rest, bro. Get some, oh, last thing. Have you seen the Zuckerberg Guinness video? You're the first person I thought of.

• 1:02:53Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  What, just keep your eyes on Zuck the whole time. Watch, he's gonna have a, he's gonna have.

• 1:03:01Speaker 00

  I was actually talking about this at dinner yesterday. My favorite thing is I have my muse, whose name is Euler, constantly source increasingly obscure tees from increasingly. What the fuck did he just do? Wait, hey, that, hang on.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  He definitely doesn't like that. He was like, what the?

• 1:03:19Speaker 00

  Play that again. It's like he sucked a cock and had to swallow.

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  Look out, and then he's like.

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  Shut, what?

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  That's his first, that's gotta be his first Guinness. It has to be. It's gotta be the first time he's ever had it. And he's, he doesn't wanna, he's like, does people like this? He's, he's also, I think this is not new. He's socially awkward, right? Socially uncomfortable as shit.

• 1:03:47Speaker 00

  I will tell you, I don't think so.

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  No?

• 1:03:51Speaker 00

  No, I met him. We were at a UFC fight and he came up and he said hi to me. And I was like, I couldn't believe he knew who I was, but then I was like, I guess he's probably on social media a lot. I must have come through his feed.

• 1:04:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:06Speaker 00

  And I asked him about the watch he was wearing and he was very casual, very fun. It was me, him, Theo Von and Andrew Tate and we all were just chit-chatting about like little things. No, I'm kidding. No, but he was very, he was very casual and very cool. I introduced him to Leanne and he, yeah, he was.

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  What was the watch? It must have been insane, right?

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  Oh, it was a million dollar watch.

• 1:04:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  It was a million dollar watch on his wrist. And by the way, I didn't care for it.

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  Oh, you didn't? Okay.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  It's one of the kinds you like where there's a lot of complications to it and it doesn't sparkle and.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Got it.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  It's got a leather band and I'm like, what are we, can't shower in that fucking thing? What are we doing?

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I got you.

• 1:04:49Speaker 00

  You gotta have something you can shower in, Tom.

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  What you got there? What is it?

• 1:04:52Speaker 00

  I don't even know. I just threw it on.

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  I don't even know? I just.

• 1:04:56Speaker 00

  The Skydweller, Skydweller.

• 1:04:57Speaker 01

  Nice, bro.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm going to London and they rob you for watches over there. So I gotta be fucking, I gotta be slick. I'll be in and out. By the time this airs, you won't even know I was in London. You'll never even know I was in fucking London. I'm like, I'll be like, I'll be like that, goddamn, there we go. That was me and Zuckerberg.

• 1:05:19Speaker 01

  That's, so what fight was that? That was, do you remember the who fought that night?

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  I don't remember. I don't remember.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  That's awesome. That's awesome, dude. That's so cool. That is cool, dude. I'm happy for you. Look at that.

• 1:05:40Speaker 01

  You realize like everyone would be like, oh, yeah, that's, that's when Burt meant, like, no one's gonna doubt that.

• 1:05:45Speaker 00

  No one's doubting that that's not me.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  No, it's cool. Your hair looks good.

• 1:05:49Speaker 00

  My hair, all I look at is my hair looks pretty fucking good.

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  And you're like, it's so, it's totally a Burt expression. You look good, man. All right, well, we gotta, we gotta wrap this up. You gotta do a bunch of stuff. I gotta get out of here. This was fun. I love you.

• 1:06:09Speaker 00

  This was a great fucking episode. I love you too.

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  Stay safe. Keep your watch in your bag. We'll see you guys next week.

• 1:06:37Speaker 05

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 1:06:45Speaker 05

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+.