MBMBaM 778: Face 2 Face: Yellin’ at the Kellen Felons

From the Squad-carrying acoustics of the Atlanta Symphony Hall in Atlanta, it’s your go-to conduit for the monoculture, so long as all you care about culturally is Wonka and/or the Joker. Get your daily boost and join us as we make slam dunks in the answer hole! Suggested talking points: A Toilet with Width Depth and Height, Lossless Farting Audio, Tatooine the Planet, I Am Not an Oboe, Vile Sticky Nonchocolate, Go Piss Girl, The Big Bin of Grapes in Your Mind Equality Florida: https://www.eqfl.org/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  And their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert. But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool babies?

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Hello, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother Made Advice Show from the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy. What a thrill it is to be here in Atlanta, Georgia.

• 1:35Speaker 00

  What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother Travis, big dog, wolf, wolf, friend, friend, McElroy. Thank you. And I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin, built for tough McElroy.

• 1:57Travis McElroy?

  And just a quick shout out to all my road dogs sitting up in the top balcony. I think it's two people.

• 2:03Griffin McElroy?

  Do we have two road dogs up in the top balcony? Awesome.

• 2:10Travis McElroy?

  Uh, I have a super-

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Did you say arf arf?

• 2:14Griffin McElroy?

  That's, that's simply not correct.

• 2:16Travis McElroy?

  They couldn't hear from all the way up there what everyone else was saying. Uh, I'm so excited to be here with you guys and I wanted to begin this evening by sharing something with you. I kind of feel like our show is an aggregator for all the quality media in the world. Like if you watch our show, you kind of get everything that's happening.

• 2:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  He's a conduit for the monoculture, Justin.

• 2:38Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, absolutely. If the monoculture is Wonka and/or Joker.

• 2:42Travis McElroy?

  So, this one-

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Imagine those two together.

• 2:45Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, the Wonker.

• 2:48Travis McElroy?

  So it-

• 2:49Griffin McElroy?

  He's so fucking twisted, dude. Get away from those-

• 2:53Speaker 00

  When you either can't eat, you die.

• 2:55Griffin McElroy?

  Don't get away from those kids, Wonker.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  To be fair, that holds true of Wonka as well.

• 3:01Travis McElroy?

  This, this confluence leads to stories that come across my desk that may not be huge headlines elsewhere, but might as well be like the Hindenburg in terms of the weight of the, the import of this story. And that is the story I'm going to bring to you. This story, uh, this video story that I have edited personally, so everything you see in this video was hand-selected by me to appear in the video.

• 3:24Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome.

• 3:24Travis McElroy?

  It was edited just to speed things along. No context really has been removed, okay? And there are three discussion breaks within where we can kind of discuss as we go.

• 3:34Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, cool. I love a discussion break.

• 3:36Travis McElroy?

  I don't think we do that enough with them, so make it easier on Paul. I put discussion breaks in it.

• 3:40Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, for sure. Uh, I have no idea what's about to appear on this screen and I can't wait. Slash.

• 3:46Travis McElroy?

  Okay, oh wait, one, one last, and that won't-

• 3:48Griffin McElroy?

  Wait.

• 3:49Travis McElroy?

  One last thing, I want to not say this, uh, this video is from an interview conducted by NPR and I think it's a great example of why it is so important to support public media.

• 4:01Travis McElroy?

  And I have to say also, Harrison Ford's on the screen, for those of you at home. And Harrison Ford has reached a level of gives no shits during interview. Yeah. That I hope to someday reach, where someone asks him a question, he's like, "I don't know, man, I get paid to be there." I also just- That's all I want. Do want to request, when the video is playing, there's no discussion, as we do have discussion breaks built in.

• 4:21Griffin McElroy?

  Right, sure. Thank you for making space for us.

• 4:24Travis McElroy?

  And I should point out, this is not one of them.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  Jay Leno is calling you right now?

• 4:32Speaker 04

  About my toilet seat.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  What?

• 4:35Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 4:48Travis McElroy?

  So this is our first discussion break.

• 4:52Travis McElroy?

  I, all I can, all I can summon is my reaction to this woman who is acting like Jay Leno is like the biggest name drop anyone could do. Like, if you found out the Judeo-Christian god was calling Harrison Ford to talk about his toilet seat, that's my reaction. You, as the story progresses, this woman will be proven to be far wiser than you.

• 5:22Travis McElroy?

  So yeah, Jay Leno is calling Harrison Ford about his toilet seat, and she asked, "What?" And, uh, is that the best theory you guys have? All right, let's see, what's next? I didn't know this was a theory break.

• 5:32Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, do you want us to solve it?

• 5:34Travis McElroy?

  Nah, nah, it'll be, it'll be revealed.

• 5:37Griffin McElroy?

  In the next discussion break.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, Jay's printing, uh, a, uh, a 3D printed toilet seat for me.

• 5:46Speaker 03

  Why is he printing a toilet seat for you?

• 5:49Travis McElroy?

  So-

• 5:51Griffin McElroy?

  First of all, Jay Leno, Jay, first of all, Jay Leno appearing in the Makerspace is, he's already made so much.

• 6:05Griffin McElroy?

  That he is a participant in the maker space is so fucking cool.

• 6:10Travis McElroy?

  I also can't get over how strongly the vibe Harrison Ford is giving off of, "I actually don't want to talk about this."

• 6:17Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 6:18Travis McElroy?

  And she's like, "No, fuck that Harrison Ford." She is a hero, that's what I'm saying. She's really clung on to something that is very crucial that the world needs to know. But it's the equivalent if I was in the middle of an interview and I said like, "Oh, my wife texted me and told me to like, "pick up sour cream on the way home." And someone was like, "What?" Like, they're really crying. "It's just sour cream." Except in this circumstance, it's Jay Leno 3D printing a toilet seat for Harrison Ford. Yeah, Jay Leno is 3D printing a toilet seat for Harrison Ford. What's he following up on? Yeah, good point Travis. Measurements?

• 6:50Griffin McElroy?

  What's their relationship like even a little bit at all, I wonder? "I love you guys, you both have 3D printers, you ain't never made any toilet parts for me."

• 7:01Travis McElroy?

  But all I would say Griffin is, the text message thread would be, "Hey, I'm gonna 3D print you a toilet seat." The 3D printed toilet seat is done.

• 7:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, this is a good point.

• 7:09Travis McElroy?

  I don't know what the middle part that's happening right now is.

• 7:13Griffin McElroy?

  We're gonna live in this discussion break for a minute, just so you guys know. Why is Jay Leno calling Harrison Ford about his 3D printed toilet seat? What is so essential that he's like, "Listen, it would take too long if we tried to do it in text message, so let's just..."

• 7:27Travis McElroy?

  "I thought I'd just get you on the horn."

• 7:29Griffin McElroy?

  "Just whip through it."

• 7:30Travis McElroy?

  "You want to spike you one or just..."

• 7:32Griffin McElroy?

  "Just hold it up to your butt, I'll take a 3D scan with your phone." None of them were good.

• 7:37Travis McElroy?

  But if you play them at the same time. If you average them out, it's a bad one. Let's see why Harrison Ford is getting a toilet seat 3D printed by Jay Leno.

• 7:48Speaker 04

  Because I asked him. Okay. Because, because I hadn't seen him in 12 years since he quit the show, since he left his show. But I remember that he's got Jay's garage. Yeah, he has a lot of cars. You guys have cars? Jay Leno has Thomas Edison's steam engine that was used to light the two square blocks at the World's Fair when electricity was first...

• 8:18Speaker 03

  He's into machines.

• 8:19Speaker 04

  Avery, so he's got these 3D prints. And I had this toilet seat from a toilet that is not in production anymore.

• 8:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 8:26Speaker 04

  And the toilet seat has discolored in a way that is really unattractive.

• 8:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:32Speaker 04

  I can't find that toilet seat anywhere. I couldn't, I tried for years and friends in the plumbing industry helped try me to try and get this. Where the hell am I, can I 3D print this?

• 8:45Speaker 04

  Ah. Jay Leno. I remembered seeing this stuff with Jay, the first time I ever heard about 3D printing was Jay.

• 8:54Griffin McElroy?

  I, that was a, that was a brutal fucking slog without a discussion break, Justin. The fucking spacing of these discussion breaks is diabolical.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  I, where to start?

• 9:07Travis McElroy?

  Each piece of information is building off the last piece of information. It's the last time the information spiral stops because each piece of information is built on the one before it. I would like to, I don't wanna, we don't need to re-watch the whole thing. But there is a moment where you can watch regret at the amount of attention she has paid to this wash over the interviewer. If we could restart that clip, Paul, I think I can highlight.

• 9:37Griffin McElroy?

  I just wanna, I'm just, oh god, there's so much more. What? Why is this an hour long?

• 9:42Travis McElroy?

  Keep going, keep going.

• 9:44Griffin McElroy?

  I really wanna hear.

• 9:45Travis McElroy?

  Keep going, keep going, a little bit more.

• 9:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's pretty good too. There's a lot of really good stuff. Working real hard.

• 9:54Travis McElroy?

  When.

• 9:55Griffin McElroy?

  I really, really.

• 9:56Travis McElroy?

  When she says the phrase, oh, he's into machines.

• 9:59Griffin McElroy?

  He's into machines.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  He's into machines.

• 10:00Travis McElroy?

  You can watch, it's like, oh, I'm gonna talk to grandpa about what he's into lately. And he starts talking about model trains in a way of like, oh no, I'm on the hook now to listen to this.

• 10:13Griffin McElroy?

  I get that Jay Leno's such a punching bag, and I understand that. He's earned it, but I think it's too much to say out loud on an interview, I need someone to 3D print a toilet seat. Who do I think of? Jay Leno.

• 10:30Travis McElroy?

  Griffin.

• 10:31Griffin McElroy?

  So cool.

• 10:32Travis McElroy?

  It's worse than that. He starts by saying he has not spoken to Jay Leno in 12 years.

• 10:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man.

• 10:39Travis McElroy?

  So imagine you're Jay Leno, the notification pops up. Not the message, not the whole message.

• 10:45Griffin McElroy?

  Han Solo is giving you the.

• 10:47Travis McElroy?

  Call Han Solo is giving you a call you know. Oh shit, I haven't talked to Harrison in forever. I haven't talked to Harrison. Hi Harrison, what's up?

• 10:55Griffin McElroy?

  Let Justin breathe.

• 10:56Travis McElroy?

  No, let make Travis do it. Make you have to do the voice.

• 10:58Travis McElroy?

  Oh, hey Harrison, what's up? No, man, shit, dog. Don't do it anymore. It's a cartoon mouse. I thought about it for two months.

• 11:03Travis McElroy?

  Hello, Mr. Harrison Ford? And then Harrison Ford is just like, hey Jay, um, I've discolored my... No, wait, okay, hold on, cuz that's... I've discolored my toilet seat. 3D print me a new one. Okay, so that was our last discussion break. If you would take it to the end of that discussion break, cuz this is our, this is the last clip. So we don't get to discuss after the last clip? You can continue to discuss, but we'll call that the podcast, okay?

• 11:30Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, cool.

• 11:34Speaker 04

  Amazing. It's really hard to make that kind of call. Hey Jay Leno, it's me, Harrison Ford. You, I, you know, from...

• 11:46Travis McElroy?

  Ford?

• 11:47Speaker 04

  From like 15 years ago or something? And I, and I just wonder, what do you want? I, uh, what do, I, I want you, I want you to, to print a 3D toilet seat for me.

• 12:00Travis McElroy?

  Okay, awesome. Presumably.

• 12:03Speaker 04

  He embraced the project.

• 12:05Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  In a way that I thought I never could have imagined. People appeared from the depths, out of the shadows, and they were, you know, got involved in it. This guy said, you can't do this, and the other guy said, you're gonna have to pay me at the end.

• 12:22Travis McElroy?

  What? Wait.

• 12:26Griffin McElroy?

  Is that the end?

• 12:27Travis McElroy?

  He's got a team of engineers involved? Yeah, he's got a team of engineers. Jay Leno's got a team of engineers involved in it, and so why is he calling? It could be for any number of reasons. Can we all agree that there was a moment where we thought he was gonna say something like, is Harrison Ford from Star Wars? Yeah. Well, in his mind, he's calling Jay Leno, and Jay Leno's like, Harrison who? Oh, from fif- that guy I met 15 years ago.

• 12:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:53Travis McElroy?

  Not like Han Solo, you know? Now, he does say, and this might explain why he has a team working on it, and maybe he misspoke, but he says, a 3D toilet seat. Now, that's interesting, Travis.

• 13:08Griffin McElroy?

  I, I, I love toilet tech. You know me.

• 13:11Travis McElroy?

  I do.

• 13:12Griffin McElroy?

  A lid that raises up when it senses my proximity.

• 13:15Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:15Griffin McElroy?

  A bidet of any way, shape, or size. Fuck yeah, I'm into it. But a 3D toilet? How would that even work, man? A toilet with depth, width, and height?

• 13:30Travis McElroy?

  Well, and technically duration, so really 4D. All toilets are 4D when you think about it.

• 13:36Griffin McElroy?

  I'm still taking dumps on drawings of toilets.

• 13:40Travis McElroy?

  I didn't include it in the video because it wasn't about her, but the interviewer did ask if the 3D printed toilet seat would be functional or just aesthetic. And it's like, in what world are you like, here's the toilet I used to poop on?

• 13:55Travis McElroy?

  You could imagine what that would be like. And it's for the museums of Harrison Ford's life. Hey, everybody, purchase more Harrison Ford movies so he has the residuals to buy a new toilet.

• 14:06Griffin McElroy?

  Or his own 3D printer.

• 14:08Travis McElroy?

  His toilet is so old, they don't make toilet seats for it anymore.

• 14:12Griffin McElroy?

  It's been a while.

• 14:13Travis McElroy?

  Unless Jay Leno creates a bespoke toilet seat for him. Could you buy, I don't know, Ender's Game or Battleship? I think he's in that one. Whatever you can.

• 14:24Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Justin.

• 14:26Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you're welcome. This is important breaking news. Uh, this is also still an advice show, okay? We, we, we, yes, thank you. Thank you for your approval.

• 14:33Griffin McElroy?

  It takes us a minute sometimes to get around to it, but it is still an advice show.

• 14:37Travis McElroy?

  But we do get there eventually. Uh, this is our first question. I recently had hemorrhoid removal surgery and I had to take a week-ish off work to recover. Well, what's the question, Justin?

• 14:51Travis McElroy?

  My question is, when I return to work, what do I say to people who ask how my recovery went? I'm not ashamed of the type of surgery I had. I think it's important to de-stigmatize this issue. Thanks for helping with that, Hoops. Oh, wow, my pleasure.

• 15:09Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna finish this question in a second, but here's a true story from my life today. Uh, I was at the green room for the celebrities at Dragon Con and I use the air quotes because I was in there. And there really should be a different room for like us and the actual celebrities because we're in the room with everybody. And Amanda, our fearless leader, uh, we're sitting there on the couch and she looks at me and she says, uh, "Hey, I just want to let you know, I still haven't gotten that email from Preparation H." And that's when Katie Sakoff sat down next to us.

• 15:43Travis McElroy?

  And like, as you immediately engage, like, "Oh, Preparation H, huh?" I'm like, "Oh, this is cool. This is exactly..." Yeah. "Hey, just when you think your brand can't get anymore in the toilet..."

• 15:56Griffin McElroy?

  Literally, yeah.

• 15:57Travis McElroy?

  Here we are. Another good tagline for Preparation H. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just when you... That is actually pretty good.

• 16:04Griffin McElroy?

  It's easy to lay, it's easy to lay the blame at Amanda's feet for that uncomfortable situation. But I think it could also be laid at the kind of life you've lived and the career you've forged.

• 16:15Travis McElroy?

  It is difficult to know when Justin is okay with publicly talking about his love of Preparation H and when it's not. Because you brought it up at our panel. You brought it up at our panel yesterday.

• 16:25Griffin McElroy?

  Katie Sakoff is not at our panel.

• 16:27Travis McElroy?

  I know where it broke down. I know where it broke down. It's when Amanda said they hadn't. Because if I said they had, I might have been able to work myself up to a devil make here like, "Uh huh, I knew it." You know, like, "Preparation H, I knew they'd fold," you know? But the fact they hadn't reached out is really what... Negotiations have reached a stalemate. They're icing us out. "My colleagues know why I was out. Is there a polite but honest way to explain that I spent a week nursing my gory butthole?"

• 16:57Travis McElroy?

  That's from New Asshole in North Atlanta. "Are you here?" And "Are you in a well-padded seat, I hope?" Wait, are you here? All right, don't blame you, that's fine.

• 17:14Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think hemorrhoids and hemorrhoid surgery-

• 17:17Travis McElroy?

  Way to de-stigmatize it, by the way.

• 17:20Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think we should stigmatize hemorrhoids and hemorrhoid surgery. To suggest, however, that there is not a sliding scale of virtue upon which all surgeries are judged seems wild to me. I don't know where hemorrhoid surgery falls on that scale, but it is below, like, "I took a bullet for the mayor," or something. "I had bullet surgery for when I saved the mayor, who's a dog," is higher.

• 17:48Travis McElroy?

  I think you could walk in and maybe loudly announce, like, "I will be taking questions, and I'll be giving a very PG version. But if anybody want them nasty eats-

• 17:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:00Travis McElroy?

  1pm, break room. Don't eat beforehand, no holes wired, and $5 per person." In the comments on the video about me complaining about not wanting to take my hemorrhoid medicine, one of the comments on the video was, "If this was a really serious case of hemorrhoids, you'd be begging to take the medicine." And I was just thinking, like, that is, without a doubt, in all my 44 years, the most unhinged gatekeeping I have ever seen. You know, when- I'm sorry, to a man, not to a woman, obviously, but like, to a man like myself. The most unhinged gatekeeping I've ever heard. People overuse weird flex, but okay?

• 18:43Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:44Travis McElroy?

  That is the weirdest flex of, like, "You think your hemorrhoids are bad? I was begging to shove a pill up my butt. That's how bad mine were." My hemorrhoids? Coward. You gotta work hard to have hemorrhoids as bad as this bad guy.

• 19:05Griffin McElroy?

  I'm not gonna ask you about your hemorrhoid surgery, if I'm your coworker.

• 19:09Travis McElroy?

  Even if they're wearing a big t-shirt that says, "Ask me about my hemorrhoid surgery"?

• 19:14Griffin McElroy?

  Especially if they're wearing a t-shirt that says, "Ask me about my hemorrhoid surgery." That's someone who wants to talk about their hemorrhoid surgery too much.

• 19:21Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 19:21Griffin McElroy?

  So I imagine you will probably be in the clear, in fact, I am very curious about who at your job would be like, "So, hemorrhoid surgery, huh? Spill."

• 19:32Griffin McElroy?

  What's that like?

• 19:34Travis McElroy?

  I have another question.

• 19:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I'd love that.

• 19:36Travis McElroy?

  I am going to be on a game show here in Atlanta within the next month. Family Feud? There's a $10,000 prize and I'm gonna be asked what I'll do with it if I win. My instinct was to be honest and say that I would use it to put myself through mortuary school, but I don't know that that's the vibe. Can you give me some- Hey, we need them. What was that reaction, crowd? You just want your dead ass to lay in the street? Can you give me some potential answers that might make me stand out, or better yet, make the host bust up? That's from Tongue Tide in Trenton.

• 20:10Griffin McElroy?

  Are you here? Is the-

• 20:12Travis McElroy?

  Thank you. Is- Listen, all y'all, mortuary worker person- Wait, hold on, guys, hold on. Is it the kind of job you accidentally do because you couldn't find a job anywhere else? You all are lucky that there's people like them going to mortuary school. You cheer for them!

• 20:31Travis McElroy?

  I'm sure shit not gonna do it, I'm barely good at this! And in their head right now, they're thinking to themselves, "He'll never guess I'm nasty." I've really pulled the wool over- Even if you are, I'm glad you're doing it and not me. I've really pulled the wool over his eyes.

• 20:47Griffin McElroy?

  Is the sh- Is the sh- Just whisper, because maybe you don't want to blow up your spot, but is it, is it Family Feud? Because it's- No, it's not, okay. Well, I'm gonna delete all the material that I prepped about how to do good on Family Feud.

• 20:59Travis McElroy?

  Are you in it by yourself, or do you have a team?

• 21:05Griffin McElroy?

  There's four contestants? Is there a survey and does it say stuff?

• 21:09Travis McElroy?

  I'm not gonna- There is no way that they're supposed to leak all these important details before- I'm not gonna risk their chance to be on TV with our stupid podcast. I love, can I just say, this is a lesson to all of us, that we don't often realize our own light, even when we see it shine on others. Your answer for what you're gonna do with $10,000 is go to mortuary school? It's good. And you're like, "But what can I say to stand out?" Yeah.

• 21:40Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you're good. You're worried about being like the third contestant that day? Yeah. Who's using the prize money to go to mortu- Another one! Jeez! A lot of people must die in this city.

• 21:55Travis McElroy?

  I think I would just ask for it in cash and then less questions, please. That's none of their business. If you win the game, fair and square, you can do whatever you want with it.

• 22:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:07Travis McElroy?

  Whatever.

• 22:07Griffin McElroy?

  Or say, "Mortuary school, but I need it only in cash." And then be really, really weird for the rest of the show.

• 22:15Travis McElroy?

  And I need it today.

• 22:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:20Travis McElroy?

  I've got a group bond.

• 22:23Travis McElroy?

  What would I do with it? Huh? That's a great question. Here's one for me. How quick can you get it to me? No, seriously. Like, do we get it in cash? Can we take it in cash in a smaller lump sum upfront, or what?

• 22:32Griffin McElroy?

  Mortuary school makes you bring in your own bodies. They cost exactly $10,000.

• 22:37Travis McElroy?

  I need it by nightfall. I would just say, save the orphanage.

• 22:43Griffin McElroy?

  Cool.

• 22:44Travis McElroy?

  That's what I need the money for.

• 22:45Griffin McElroy?

  Pretty fu- that orphanage is doing okay. 10,000, it needs a new, it needs a new paint job in the library.

• 22:52Travis McElroy?

  I made a bet with myself that if I don't win $10,000, I'm gonna destroy the orphanage.

• 23:01Griffin McElroy?

  $10,000 is the cancellation fee for the construction crew I got to destroy the orphanage.

• 23:07Travis McElroy?

  I had, I had to lease the nails.

• 23:11Travis McElroy?

  They're reclaiming them tonight.

• 23:15Travis McElroy?

  Hey, everybody.

• 23:17Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah?

• 23:18Travis McElroy?

  Um, I just feel like the show has been a little puerile up to this point.

• 23:26Travis McElroy?

  And so maybe we could class it up with a little work of fart.

• 23:37Griffin McElroy?

  Did you change the fart sound at the end of that? It's way better, man.

• 23:40Travis McElroy?

  Really nice.

• 23:41Griffin McElroy?

  Y'all don't even fucking know. This fart sound they used to run at the end of this stinger was the fucking lowest-quality bitrate shit you've ever heard.

• 23:49Travis McElroy?

  We must've gotten a, uh, some sort of better pay raise or something. We must be spending more on our AV, because it's a really-

• 23:54Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that was fully lossless farting audio.

• 23:57Travis McElroy?

  I swear, out the corner of my eye, I watched you go, "Hmm, pretty high." Yeah. That might've been an og, it seemed like an og. I love this. Okay, listen. Since we're here for Dragon Con, I figured I would base this on some nerd shit.

• 24:11Travis McElroy?

  Do you guys know Star Wars Harrison Ford was on it?

• 24:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 24:14Travis McElroy?

  The guy who had Jay Leno 3D print a toilet seat? I had no idea that Justin was gonna talk about him, but what a good, um, what good synergy.

• 24:24Griffin McElroy?

  Just say it, man.

• 24:25Travis McElroy?

  So up first, this is a character from, uh, Star Wars. Kit Fisto.

• 24:35Travis McElroy?

  Can I tell you, Jayman?

• 24:38Travis McElroy?

  Wait, let me try again. Kit Pisto. No. Damn.

• 24:40Griffin McElroy?

  Kit Fisto!

• 24:41Travis McElroy?

  I saw Kit Fisto and I thought, what am I even doing? This is true.

• 24:47Griffin McElroy?

  I might as well get this out of the way, dude.

• 24:49Travis McElroy?

  I can't do this better than George Lucas already did. Yeah, let me just say this- He called the music jizz. Okay, Gary, you got that out of the way. Okay, jizz music. We said jizz music. Han Solo's best friend and co-pilot. Poobaca. And he's a big pile of poop. Poobaca? No. Better than that. Chukaka? No. Pukaka? No. What's his full name? Chewbacca the Wookiee. P- Ch- Poobaca? His name is not Chewbacca the Wookiee!

• 25:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's crazy, Travis. He doesn't have a surname.

• 25:21Travis McElroy?

  It's Leewookiee. My name is Chewbacca Leewookiee.

• 25:26Travis McElroy?

  That's his goddamn name as far as I'm concerned, and I was looking for Chewbacca the Dookie.

• 25:31Griffin McElroy?

  Travis, that sucks. That's not his name. They're not called Han Solo the Human, Leia Skywalker the Human.

• 25:38Travis McElroy?

  I have, I hate to do this- They're not humans. But as an impartial observer, I'm very close- What, you're in the game? Yeah, but... Is that, wait, hold on, Justin. No, no, no. Is that how you consider yourself in Work of Fart? No, but listen, I've been watching Work of Fart evolve and seeing that- This show means a lot to us, Trav. Yeah, I've seen, watching Work of Fart evolve. Maybe you guys, maybe he's not impartial. I know we give you a hard time, man, but Work of Fart means a lot to me and Justin. Griffin's dominance- The integrity of it is important. Yeah, Griffin's dominance in this game has subsumed my own to a point where I am just a sort of a bystander at this point. You're rooting for me. But here's the thing- What's happening? No, Travis, listen. Griffin just came up with like three that was better than yours. I feel like, I feel like I may have to,

• 26:22Travis McElroy?

  as the oldest brother, I may have to take this bit away from you and make Griffin do it. Not now! Here, let me read the next, let me read the next- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I ordered them in the ones I'm most proud of. Oh, okay.

• 26:38Travis McElroy?

  Wait, wait, sorry. I need to know if that list is ah or descending, please.

• 26:46Griffin McElroy?

  Is there nowhere to go but down right now?

• 26:48Travis McElroy?

  Which way are we headed? It's, I think they get better.

• 26:53Travis McElroy?

  They'd have to. He's not called Chewbacca the Wook- This is my friend and co-pilot, Chewbacca the Wookiee.

• 26:59Griffin McElroy?

  It doesn't even, the vowel sound doesn't even match.

• 27:02Travis McElroy?

  Is that not how he's off to at Chewbacca the Wookiee? Or is that just my own? No, that's fucking insane, Travis. I think you were high when you wrote these and you were thinking about Jabba the Hutt. I'm Greedo the Rhodian and I'm here to fuck. Okay, to be f- They call me on Solo the Guy. I'm Jabba the Hutt the Hutt and I'm- I swear- I too am Luke Skywalker the Guy. We must be related. I swear to God I thought that was the case.

• 27:32Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no, you can swear to God that you thought that was the case, of course. You're saying it.

• 27:39Travis McElroy?

  I need a minute.

• 27:42Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 27:44Travis McElroy?

  Oh, man. This planet is home-

• 27:47Griffin McElroy?

  Is this more Star Wars?

• 27:48Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 27:49Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, great.

• 27:49Travis McElroy?

  To Mos Eisley and where Luke Skywalker grew up-

• 27:52Griffin McElroy?

  Tatooine.

• 27:53Travis McElroy?

  Tatooine. And it's shaped like a penis.

• 27:56Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, oh, interest Tatooine?

• 28:01Travis McElroy?

  Tatooine the Planet?

• 28:02Griffin McElroy?

  Tatooine-er. And Travis, I'm sorry that when I said Tatooine-er, I said it in such a disappointed tone of voice. Can I try again?

• 28:10Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 28:11Griffin McElroy?

  Tatooine-er?

• 28:12Travis McElroy?

  Yeah!

• 28:16Travis McElroy?

  And finally, finally,

• 28:20Travis McElroy?

  this Jedi master may be short, but he's very wide and round.

• 28:25Griffin McElroy?

  Choda.

• 28:26Travis McElroy?

  Yay! Travis Patrick McElroy, he's back. He's back with Choda. That was the first one I thought of that sealed the deal and the whole bit.

• 28:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 28:35Travis McElroy?

  I love Choda so-

• 28:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, you do.

• 28:39Travis McElroy?

  I- I'm funny. I'm a high school teacher. Yay! I'm a high school teacher and I recently started coaching an esports team. My boss wants the team to be taken seriously as a school sport, but people keep calling us a club. How can I make video games get the same treatment as football or basketball? That's from Clear Eyes Full Thumbs-

• 28:58Griffin McElroy?

  Can't lose. Extra info, we mostly compete in Super Smash Brothers and Mario Kart. Are you here? It's a fucking melee, is it fucking melee? Cause if not, it's a children's game.

• 29:13Griffin McElroy?

  If it's not melee, then it is a club, a kid's club.

• 29:18Travis McElroy?

  You win them trophies, or medals, or whatever you get in esports?

• 29:23Griffin McElroy?

  Eventually, hopefully? Yeah, it's a sport.

• 29:25Travis McElroy?

  Hey, let's start here, good first step.

• 29:28Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I mean, they don't give trophies to clubs for any reason, um...

• 29:34Travis McElroy?

  Do you make the kids run sprints? Cause that's a thing I know that they do in sports.

• 29:39Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, they do laps in CS:GO. We're better, we know enough about esports. Do we know enough about esports to accept that it's, that it is a sport?

• 29:48Travis McElroy?

  Here's what I, here's- There's a skill level to it?

• 29:51Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, of course.

• 29:51Travis McElroy?

  Not just that, these- That I don't have.

• 29:52Griffin McElroy?

  No, no, no.

• 29:53Travis McElroy?

  I could join any club, I can't join any sports team because I'm not skilled enough, therefore esports is a sports team. Here's the difference, man, when you go to the chess club and you get really good at chess, you don't go into college with gnarled, riddled hands.

• 30:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure.

• 30:09Travis McElroy?

  These poor young athletes- You don't know how hard I'm grabbing those chess- These young athletes are ruining their tendons for us, for our enjoyment. And that, for me, if you are ending up in a position where you gotta wear a special brace to sleep-

• 30:22Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 30:22Travis McElroy?

  You're an athlete, you know what I mean? That's not a hobby anymore. This feels very personal all of a sudden, J-Man.

• 30:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 30:27Travis McElroy?

  Gee, wow, Travis-

• 30:29Griffin McElroy?

  Travis's chess APMs are also through the fucking roof, man. He moves those-

• 30:33Travis McElroy?

  I've, I've crushed kings into pawns in my very hands. And I got thrown out of the tournament, you're not allowed to do that, apparently.

• 30:40Griffin McElroy?

  Can you hire a group of mercenaries to dress up like, uh, space invaders? Took, and they come into the school to mess stuff up? And who's gonna stop them? Gamer, Gamer Club! We're the only ones with the cheat codes.

• 31:00Travis McElroy?

  And then, so Griffin, what you're saying is-

• 31:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:03Travis McElroy?

  After that happens-

• 31:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. After what happens? Cause confirm that I said out loud what I said.

• 31:07Travis McElroy?

  After cyber-

• 31:09Griffin McElroy?

  Invaders.

• 31:09Travis McElroy?

  Invaders from space?

• 31:11Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, it's not important.

• 31:12Travis McElroy?

  Okay, show up and-

• 31:16Griffin McElroy?

  Come to the school to mess things up, yeah.

• 31:18Travis McElroy?

  And the school says, "You know who's trained for this?"

• 31:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:21Travis McElroy?

  Our children.

• 31:23Griffin McElroy?

  Not the security. School security's fucking out the back door. "Yikes, are those aliens? I'm outta here." Then the gamer club shows up, "Don't worry about it, we have the cheek."

• 31:31Travis McElroy?

  They abduct, the aliens abducted our greatest warriors, but due to a translation error, that means athletes in their tongue, right? So they took all the athletes from the school. The amount of school administrators, you're gonna have to get in on this plan.

• 31:45Griffin McElroy?

  Well, Travis, yeah, I mean, they, obviously their boss wants this to be taken seriously as a sport. I feel a lot of hostile energy, like you're not proud of my space invaders coming to school to mess things up, so we get the gamer club to stop on plan.

• 31:56Travis McElroy?

  My next suggestion was pep rally. Dude, we were so close to breaking that story to an extent where we would never have to podcast again. Like, we were about to be, we were about to have the script that would get us out of this fucking-

• 32:07Griffin McElroy?

  And we supported you through Chewbacca the dookie?

• 32:09Travis McElroy?

  We did. I'm steering, hey, I'm steering us away from your plan of having mercenaries break into us all.

• 32:16Griffin McElroy?

  Space invaders, and they're not there to do anything bad, they're just here to mess things up.

• 32:22Griffin McElroy?

  Like, throw papers around and stuff and make a big mess at the school.

• 32:25Travis McElroy?

  Oh, you didn't say they threw paper. Are they wearing cool leather, like, LED jackets?

• 32:29Griffin McElroy?

  They're wearing space invader costumes, Travis. That's why the gamer club is the only one that can stop them.

• 32:34Travis McElroy?

  It's a gamer team, not the club. They're not a club.

• 32:38Griffin McElroy?

  You're right, I forgot the question.

• 32:40Travis McElroy?

  Please, I know it feels hard to think of them as athletes, but we have to try for the conceit of the question, Griffin.

• 32:47Griffin McElroy?

  And then when the gamer team stops the space invaders, all the students come out and they're like, "You did it, you're athletes now." This idea fucking sucks. You're right, Travis, this is a fucking stupid idea.

• 32:58Travis McElroy?

  How about a mascot?

• 33:00Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 33:01Travis McElroy?

  And it's Mario.

• 33:04Griffin McElroy?

  "I'm with these guys officially. Fuck all the other sports teams. Fuck football." That's cool, he could show up to football games and just make a mess.

• 33:16Travis McElroy?

  Throwing papers around. Throwing papers around, mess up all the football games. "Oh, that's my homework." Damn. "The playbook." Uh, I, oh no, my screen's saved. If only there was an esports team here to help you use your computer. Help, help! My screen! I started working at the post office about a year ago. I love getting to see all the animals every day, but I need a good way to avoid the owners who want to chit chat. How do I politely say, "I want to pet that dog," and then be on my way? That's from Going Postal for Pets in South Carolina.

• 33:47Griffin McElroy?

  Are you here?

• 33:50Griffin McElroy?

  Hell yeah, rain or shine, that's awesome. Thank you for coming.

• 33:56Travis McElroy?

  If the owner starts to say something to you, have you tried saying like, "This is actually just between us"?

• 34:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 34:01Travis McElroy?

  Um, this is, we, I've been meaning to talk to them for a while now.

• 34:07Travis McElroy?

  Did you actually cross the street and give us a moment?

• 34:09Griffin McElroy?

  You're gonna have to do a lot to undo the kind of, um, you know, the optics of dogs and postal workers, um, in order to bridge this divide. If I had a sweet puppers, which I don't, but if I did, I wouldn't want them going anywhere near a post officer.

• 34:27Travis McElroy?

  Uh, this is actually the only one of the three of us that owns dogs. I'll pull back the curtain a little bit, Griffin.

• 34:32Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, thanks.

• 34:32Travis McElroy?

  The truth is, dogs love postal workers, and it makes us dog owners incredibly jealous. And so, we've started, I'm gonna get so in trouble for this. We've started a long campaign to try to convince people...

• 34:47Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, cool, slander.

• 34:48Travis McElroy?

  That there's... Yeah, but it's really when the post office worker arrives, my dog gets so excited, and I'm like, "No, you love me!"

• 34:55Griffin McElroy?

  What do you think that...

• 34:56Travis McElroy?

  And then I attack the post office worker dressed as my dog.

• 35:01Griffin McElroy?

  That's what, okay, so when I came over last time, and you had a giant dog suit, extremely, extremely lifelike dog suit.

• 35:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:10Griffin McElroy?

  And I was like, "What's that for?", and you were like, "Uh, don't worry about it." I thought it was for like, you know, conventions and stuff like that?

• 35:17Travis McElroy?

  No, I tell you about that.

• 35:18Griffin McElroy?

  But you're saying it was to pretend to be your own dog to scare postal workers.

• 35:22Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:22Griffin McElroy?

  That's awesome, man.

• 35:23Travis McElroy?

  Uh, you guys know how it's a crime to mess with the mail? What? Fuck!

• 35:29Griffin McElroy?

  Oh no!

• 35:30Travis McElroy?

  Shit, I gotta get out! It's a crime to mess with the mail, and I think people are nervous about, what if you get confused as a mail carrier and you pick up the...

• 35:39Griffin McElroy?

  Dog and you start like put it in your bag. And then it's mail legally at that point and they can't have it back. You know, they might ask for the dog back and you might unfortunately it is now mail. It's in my bag. It's in the bag. It makes it mail. You're out of your jurisdiction, Kenneth. The mailbag is not part of your house. Even if I'm standing in your yard with your dog in my bag. It's property Uncle Sam now.

• 35:58Travis McElroy?

  Does the dog have a stamp on it?

• 36:00Griffin McElroy?

  If you put a stamp on a dog, they will mail it for you. That's the law. To where?

• 36:06Travis McElroy?

  Wherever you want.

• 36:07Griffin McElroy?

  Wherever you want for one flat rate. Wow, what an amazing bargain. Yeah, at sam's.com they're gonna get you a scale. Uh, they're gonna let, but it's big enough for your dog. Put your dog on the scale, mail your dog wherever. All right. Thank you so much. Uh, make sure you come back for the second half of our show. Until then, uh, you, you can use the bathroom if you want and you can buy this poster.

• 36:26Travis McElroy?

  We give you permission.

• 36:27Griffin McElroy?

  You're allowed. Uh, yes, this incredible poster, we signed a bunch of them before the show. Uh, thank you Cynthia for this incredible design and, uh, please send in your questions. Also, we have the Pulsar Born Memorial Canned Food Drive Challenge Coin. Uh, all sales go to benefit the Atlanta Community Food Bank. So, uh, grab one of those while you're out there too. We will take a brief break. Please send in your questions for the second half and we might do them live. Thanks. We'll be right back.

• 36:56Travis McElroy?

  Hey everybody. Have you heard about the internet? It's taking the world by storm.

• 37:01Griffin McElroy?

  It's like TV, but everything's on it and sometimes people will say that they're gonna come to your house.

• 37:07Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. And occasionally you see drawings on there that you're confused by.

• 37:12Griffin McElroy?

  It's scary to be on the internet with all these people saying that they know where your house is. Luckily you can make your own safe space and the space will be a square because you're gonna use Squarespace to do it. Griffin, I don't know anything about putting together a website. I'm kind of a dullard famously. Is there any help there or are they just gonna throw me the frigging wolves? No, man. You're pretty much boned. Just kidding. Squarespace has all kinds of tools, a whole suite of tools made by expert designers for you to use to just drag and drop stuff. And you make it pretty and you make it functional. If you sell stuff, they have all the tools you need to sell stuff. And are you taking notes over there? Oh, Justin's just written a note. We're doing this live on stage and he's written

• 37:53Griffin McElroy?

  a mean note about me and now I need my Squarespace space to tuck into cutting-edge design tools, everything you need to get your brand going online. Head to Squarespace.com/mybrother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code MYBROTHER to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Dance clown, Justin says on his little notepad, making me feel-

• 38:18Travis McElroy?

  Watch the monkey dance as the organ grinder turns his crank. You'd do anything for a dollar, wouldn't you, Griffin?

• 38:24Griffin McElroy?

  It's embarrassing. Thank you, Squarespace.

• 38:28Travis McElroy?

  Thank you, Squarespace, for sponsoring the show. I don't know, Justin has brought this energy to our sponsorship segment. It used to be about the art. That's what my website, itusedtobeabouttheart.com is all about.

• 38:38Griffin McElroy?

  And what did you use to make that website?

• 38:40Travis McElroy?

  Squarespace.

• 38:41Griffin McElroy?

  All right.

• 38:45Speaker 00

  Hello?

• 38:46Speaker 05

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• 38:49Speaker 00

  No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye.

• 38:51Speaker 05

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• 38:56Speaker 00

  I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want that to carry you home again, do I?

• 39:14Speaker 05

  Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast-

• 39:16Speaker 00

  Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

• 39:22Speaker 05

  Simply go to MaximumFun.org.

• 39:24Speaker 00

  I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

• 39:30Speaker 00

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• 39:46Speaker 06

  And sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint, she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited. No matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.

• 40:14Travis McElroy?

  Justin was backstage like, "I'm just gonna walk out there." And Travis and I were like, "Yeah, sure, man." Actually Travis said, "Go off King." That's I did. So really. Let the record show. Travis said, "Go off King." And then I forgot when we're supposed to come out. So I just went for it anyway, you know what I mean? And we could have come on at the same time you did. And we chose not to. So leave you fucking hanging, dude. Hanging in the dark. That's okay. I don't mind, guys. It's all in good fun, right? Isn't that what they say? It's all in good fun. They, dude, they.

• 40:59Travis McElroy?

  I wanna munch!

• 41:02Travis McElroy?

  I want to munch.

• 41:07Travis McElroy?

  Sorry about my tone. Yeah, it's been a long day of talking and meeting and greeting. I'm not in great voice. The Symphony Hall really carries this. Ate that up. Holy shit. Really carries that squad. That really, yeah, the clarity of tone that is offered by this place is not doing me any favors at all. I am not an oboe.

• 41:28Travis McElroy?

  But you all sounded great. Yeah, and the venue, again, I'm not supposed to be here. I can't be clear enough about that. Sonic is calling on you to save a pumpkin this fall with new. Oh, Sonic the Restaurant.

• 41:44Travis McElroy?

  Um, yeah, Sonic calls on you to save a pumpkin this fall with a new salted caramel toffee iced coffee and croissant bites. That's a lot, man. Now, I'm sorry. Are you sure, Sonic? That's a lot of shit to put in one thing, Sonic. Are you sure, Sonic? But what this ad presupposes is every pumpkin spice latte I order is a pumpkin murdered. Yeah, they have to squish one pumpkin for each drink. Send Jerry to the back to kill another one. Yeah, you're killing a pumpkin every... You don't think about that, do you? But every time you have a pumpkin dessert, you're actually smashing up a real pumpkin. Yeah, none of you are thinking about our poor pumpkin farmers that have to kill their precious pumpkin. Starbucks rolls up and says, "We're taking them," and they say, "No, we grew these as

• 42:29Travis McElroy?

  friends." Every fall, pumpkins carry the weight of the season. They're carved, spiced, and turned into everything from candles to air fresheners. That's a latte work for a gourd. That's good shit, Sonic. Sonic, I get it. Well, once again, am I supposed to feel bad for pumpkins? Or anything for pumpkins, yeah. I feel ambivalence for pumpkins. Sure. They're there. I should mention also, the dateline of this story is Atlanta, Georgia, by the way. Are they... Sonic, is Sonic a local company to Atlanta, Georgia? A hometown favorite? Maybe whatever. We could get Dad out here to talk about how to order food at Sonic. Okay.

• 43:14Travis McElroy?

  Uh, this year... You all did a great job with that, by the way. You basically did what we do, which is like, "Yeah." Um, there... This year, Sonic is giving pumpkins a break by introducing a new salted caramel toffee iced coffee and salted caramel croissant bites.

• 43:35Griffin McElroy?

  So authentic.

• 43:36Travis McElroy?

  So authentic. It's like I'm in France. When I look at those, I think, ooh la la, Paris. Bonjour, I'd like a taste of home.

• 43:46Travis McElroy?

  Bonjour, I'd like a taste of my home country. To drive the point home, Sonic is debuting a tongue in cheek PSA. Oh, thank God. Starring filmmakers, comedians, internet personalities, and podcast hosts Alexandra Madison and John Booth. Shit, I thought it was us.

• 44:03Griffin McElroy?

  I did too. And this is it.

• 44:05Travis McElroy?

  They interrupt the pumpkin overload to inform fans that fall has a new flavor hero in Save a Pumpkin, Sip a Salted Caramel Toffee Iced Coffee. Absolutely. The idea that you would title a TikTok is fucking unfathomable to me. The idea that a TikTok would have a name as in like, this is, I present Le Basy Kill. Like, no. Also, I think. I assume it's supposed to be a play on like Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. But they added so many syllables to it.

• 44:38Griffin McElroy?

  The spot.

• 44:38Travis McElroy?

  This is once again, one of those examples where clearly the original pitch was like, save a pumpkin, sip a coffee. And they said, but I don't think that's clear enough.

• 44:48Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 44:48Travis McElroy?

  Can we add in so many words that it ruins the original intention of the bit? Uh, the spot follows the pair as they remind fans that pumpkins deserve a better fate than becoming a seasonal treat or something more extreme like a body wash or deodorant. So. I know. We need to let our pumpkins see the summer. That's all they wanted. I know you're thinking, God, this sounds funny. And let's, you be the judge.

• 45:19Travis McElroy?

  Hmm. Is that a pumpkin? Please.

• 45:22Speaker 06

  You know, I haven't been super emotional this pregnancy. Just been feeling really chill and relaxed. Pumpkins have been through enough. We need to save the pumpkins, John. She's been watching those animal rescue ads from the early. 2000s, I think they inspired her. We all need to do our part. We do? Yes, we do. So we partnered with Sonic to bring you this important message. Every fall, innocent pumpkins are just kidnapped from their homes, carved up, gutted, and turned into random things. Candles, pumpkin-flavored coffees, shampoo. Enough is enough. And that's why we need a new fall flavor. A salted caramel toffee fall flavor. With every salted caramel toffee iced coffee from Sonic, you too can be part of the movement to save pumpkins

• 46:06Speaker 06

  from their tragic fates as a coffee flavor. Of course, I think this is an important cause. Help us spread the word. Together with Sonic, we can save the pumpkins.

• 46:21Travis McElroy?

  All right, all right. I know what you all are thinking. This is weird that it's making fun of some pretty serious ads like this, but it's also poorly acted. Travis? Listen, Travis is right. And the point is,

• 46:41Travis McElroy?

  the reason I wanted to do this and read the press release and show you this video is, and I do realize this is sort of whatever the inverse of a self-fulfilling prophecy is, but why not us, Sonic? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's just like, why not us? You know, I'm like, I mean, I- We could have been stupid about this in a way more convincing way. Yeah, we would have just, to ensure pumpkins actually do get support outside of the humorous campaign. And I could hear in the room the way you were all sort of laughing quietly to yourselves so hard that you could hear a fucking pin drop. Yeah, a lot of, a lot of real intellectual chuckles out there. You all were laughing so hard silently that I was absolutely second guessing, including it in our real comedy show.

• 47:26Travis McElroy?

  Like I had really deep six the whole exercise.

• 47:28Griffin McElroy?

  I would like to pitch on spec this, this ad campaign from the three of us. Hi, we're the McElroy brothers and fuck caramel. We're gonna eat all the caramel you got on your shelf until there's nothing left. God bless Sonic for doing their part to eliminate this vile, sticky, non-chocolate.

• 47:49Travis McElroy?

  Can I say it takes a bold ad exec to say, I've envisioned an ad where what we're posing is that thinking about buying our thing makes you look stupid and insane. Who's with me? I'm just saying, if you have to find people that are related that no one's ever heard of, where you have to invent a bunch of job titles to make it sound like they're real people, turn to us! Yeah. Like, that's what we're here for! We're, like, please, just let it, anyway. These seem like normal people pretending to be stupid. Hey, guess what? Get the real thing right there. To ensure pumpkins actually do get support outside of the humorous campaign, oh, so we're doing, we're talking about the advocacy already. Quote, "Fall flavors don't have to mean pumpkin spice on repeat.

• 48:33Travis McElroy?

  With the new salted caramel toffee iced coffee and salted caramel croissant bites, Sonic is stepping in to give pumpkins a much-needed break, all while giving guests..." Yeah, they're just, they want them to- They're not, like, hard-working execs trying to have it all. No, they want them to live forever. Don't tell.

• 48:50Travis McElroy?

  They don't know the secret. Sonic stepping in, "all while giving guests something just as craveable," said Barb Williams, the vice president of category management at Sonic. Cocaine. Salted caramel toffee iced coffee.

• 49:04Griffin McElroy?

  So, man, it's so crazy.

• 49:06Travis McElroy?

  So good to say, "salted caramel toffee iced coffee."

• 49:08Griffin McElroy?

  What's the opposite of iambic pentameter? Cause that's...

• 49:12Travis McElroy?

  I am not pentameter.

• 49:15Travis McElroy?

  Salted caramel coffee iced toffee, sorry.

• 49:17Griffin McElroy?

  Toffee coffee toffee.

• 49:18Travis McElroy?

  Toffee toffee toffee! Sloppy toffee coffee is the best.

• 49:22Griffin McElroy?

  Sloppy salty coffee toffee.

• 49:23Travis McElroy?

  Sloppy boy coffee for sloppy boys.

• 49:25Griffin McElroy?

  Sonny's sloppy coffee toffee from Sonny.

• 49:28Travis McElroy?

  Croissant sloppy bobby bobbin'. Salted caramel toffee iced coffee is the- I'm on fire! Salted caramel toffee iced coffee is the perfect sweet and creamy pick-me-up. And, when paired with croissant bites, it's the ultimate fall duo for guests who want their daily boost with a side of indulgence and diarrhea for several days in a row.

• 49:47Griffin McElroy?

  It's so wild, this ad campaign for another reason, which is, hey, Sonic, you can never do pumpkin shit again, because how hypocritical would that be?

• 49:57Travis McElroy?

  Also, you know they had lawyers in there saying, "Can we say daily boost without clarifying what that means at all? Or does that put us on the hook legally in some way?" No, no, no, there's no law in it. Okay, great. Yeah, it's your daily boost.

• 50:14Travis McElroy?

  Of salt.

• 50:16Travis McElroy?

  So, thank you so much to Sonic for your pioneering work.

• 50:18Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you, Sonic. We are going to turn to you now, the audience. We have asked you to send in your questions, and we intend to answer some of them. We have a microphone that is, I believe, over here, stage right, house left. If we call your name and your seat number, if you want to approach the microphone, give us your name, your pronouns, if you would like, and your question, and we will do our thing. We're gonna call some folks down. There's someone who sent in an email that really tickled some of us backstage, but I don't know if they wanted to actually do it as part of this part of the show. But if your name is Katie with a Y, and you had a comment about Justin's outfit that you wanted to share.

• 50:59Travis McElroy?

  Maybe without the helmet?

• 51:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, Justin's outfit in a certain configuration, and you want to come up to the microphone and say it out loud, that would bring me a great deal of joy as well.

• 51:08Travis McElroy?

  Let's clarify what Justin said backstage.

• 51:11Griffin McElroy?

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's up to them.

• 51:14Speaker 06

  Hi.

• 51:15Griffin McElroy?

  Hi, Katie.

• 51:17Speaker 06

  You just want me to say what I typed exactly?

• 51:19Griffin McElroy?

  I would love you to just read your email verbatim, because I think it's really strong and good. Read the whole thing, please, though, if you don't mind.

• 51:25Speaker 06

  Hell, yeah. So, "Subject line: Fun show." The email. "Justin looks like Donald Duck without the speed racer helmet on. Nodding emoji/positive."

• 51:35Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you so much, Katie.

• 51:36Travis McElroy?

  Thank you, Katie.

• 51:49Griffin McElroy?

  That's right. You're correct. It's so good, Katie, and you've brightened my day tremendously.

• 51:57Travis McElroy?

  This is like the eighth, I think, of the Thunder Drive Tour in which Justin's been wearing this outfit. And you said that in your email, and it opened my eyes to a new dimension that I hadn't seen before. This is actually... No, I'm not kidding. The final appearance of this outfit.

• 52:13Griffin McElroy?

  Nooo.

• 52:15Travis McElroy?

  I hope you've enjoyed it. I'll send them a brand new next time, Katie. Katie, I was gonna ask if you wanted to say that to my face, but I guess you answered that already, kind of.

• 52:25Travis McElroy?

  Thank you so much for your time.

• 52:26Griffin McElroy?

  Katie, this wasn't a trap. You did excellent.

• 52:28Travis McElroy?

  It was like so funny. You nailed it.

• 52:33Travis McElroy?

  Justin, it said slash positive. No, I know. It was so good, Katie. Thank you so much. Thank you, Katie. Thank you, Katie.

• 52:39Griffin McElroy?

  Donald Duck is my favorite guy.

• 52:41Travis McElroy?

  Thank you so much. He's great. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, Katie. Everybody, big round of applause for Katie. Thank you.

• 52:50Griffin McElroy?

  Hello.

• 52:51Travis McElroy?

  Hey there. So I sent in two questions. I'm not sure which one.

• 52:54Griffin McElroy?

  What is your name?

• 52:54Travis McElroy?

  Sammy J. Sorry.

• 52:56Griffin McElroy?

  Sammy J. You had one about hockey.

• 52:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, okay. So I'm a hockey goalie and the games go like an hour and a half and sometimes a girl's gotta piss. Yeah. And... Go piss, girl. Yeah. Well, hold on. Now, hold on. So when you're a player, like it's whatever, you can just get off. But when you're a goalie, you're the only person. Right. So how do I sneak off the ice to go potty? I'm not a big, I'm not a big sports person, but is it, is there maybe you can, uh, uh, uh, appeal to good taste? Like, it would be in poor taste for you to score while I'm otherwise occupied. Yeah, so hopefully everyone will do the right thing while I'm gone. Yes. And just sort of play amongst yourselves in a peaceful manner. No shooting. No shooting. No shooties. Just passing practice.

• 53:41Griffin McElroy?

  And don't worry, it's just piss. I'm only gonna be gone a little bit.

• 53:46Travis McElroy?

  So my question had a little bit more to do with stealth. Right.

• 53:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, okay, so...

• 53:51Travis McElroy?

  You're gonna need a mannequin.

• 53:55Travis McElroy?

  If you, wait, if you got the pads, maybe can you sneak out of the pads in a way where they stay basically stationary? Like a cicada. Yeah, yeah, leave it behind like a shell and you slip out the back. There's no way. Until, until someone hits it with a puck and it just shatters and it's... Oh, no, God!

• 54:13Griffin McElroy?

  Sammy J, no, no!

• 54:16Travis McElroy?

  I often, when I find myself in a scenario, like when I'm in a plane and it hits turbulence and I start to get worried, or I think about like complaining about something and I calm myself down by saying, "There's no way I'm the first person to have this problem." In all of hockey, there's no way you're the first person to be like, "Oh shit, I gotta pee." There's no way. This is why on Canadian Dragons Den, there've probably been three people who've been like... Like Sharks, y'all know how tough it is when you gotta take a piss and you're the goalie. So here's my new thing. You just pee right in your hockey pants. We've already got the Canadians and all the different teams are in. They put the brands on the different pee pants that we got.

• 54:56Griffin McElroy?

  Do you?

• 54:57Travis McElroy?

  I'm looking for $80. You have 50% of the company. I need help.

• 55:01Griffin McElroy?

  At the level of hockey in which you play, are you ever pulled in the final minutes of the game as some sort of last ditch gambit? Occasionally. Okay, now, have you ever considered asking the coach to do that in the middle of the second period while you're up by one goal? Be like, I know it's unconventional, we're up by one and it's the middle of the second period, but I think it would be strategically so surprising to the other team. Yeah. To be like, yo, where did their goalie go? There's an extra person out here? Crazy. Next time your team has a power play, you should just be like, let me do the right thing. I'm going to leave too. If they're going, I'm going.

• 55:42Travis McElroy?

  If you are put in the penalty box, and I assume there's not a bathroom in there, can you just keep going? Anyway, I'll be back in two to five minutes.

• 55:54Griffin McElroy?

  Are you saying keep using the bathroom in the, what are you saying?

• 55:56Travis McElroy?

  No, I'm saying you just keep walking out through the penalty box into the hallway where there are bathrooms.

• 56:02Griffin McElroy?

  They've, they've figured that out because I'm pretty sure if the goalie gets a penalty, someone else has to sit it, right? Yeah, so they really don't want you to piss, huh? Fucked up, honestly.

• 56:12Travis McElroy?

  I don't know about hockey, period, but can players call timeouts?

• 56:19Griffin McElroy?

  If you're loud enough, I guess.

• 56:21Travis McElroy?

  There you go. I'm just saying, a goalie, especially if they're coming towards you on a good drive and you're just like, time, timeout. Now, we're taking a break.

• 56:29Griffin McElroy?

  You can pause a game as the goalie, and I've seen it done many times because I'm sort of a hockey guy, where if your skate breaks or your helmet comes off, everyone's like, stop immediately, everything. Some of the goalie shit's messed up. Now, to get a bathroom break out of that, you're gonna have to take one of your skates fully off and throw it into the crowd.

• 56:53Griffin McElroy?

  Throw it somewhere where it's gonna take them a while to find it and be like, I don't know, guys, I got hit, I got hit real funny. Anyways, while you go look for that.

• 57:03Griffin McElroy?

  I will go piss.

• 57:04Travis McElroy?

  Okay, here's a pitch. Catch the puck. I've seen it happen. Keep holding on to it as you go to the bathroom.

• 57:11Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 57:11Travis McElroy?

  Then bring the puck back and drop it. Cause they can't keep going. That's the only puck they have. Maybe you let five or six get past you and then start whispering about mercy rule. Like certainly, I feel like we're headed into mercy rule territory, don't you all? I feel like I gotta wrap this up.

• 57:28Griffin McElroy?

  You may be the team's only goalie, but you could certainly ask like, anyone even wanna try this? It's so fucking hard.

• 57:34Travis McElroy?

  They shoot them right at you. It's terrifying.

• 57:37Griffin McElroy?

  It hurts and it's scary every time.

• 57:39Travis McElroy?

  Why is this net so big? Does that? I'm only this big. Does that help?

• 57:45Griffin McElroy?

  We'll see. Thank you, Samantha.

• 57:47Travis McElroy?

  Very, very fair, Sammy J. Very fair.

• 57:51Griffin McElroy?

  Hello.

• 57:52Travis McElroy?

  Hi, I'm Kellen.

• 57:53Griffin McElroy?

  Hi, Kellen.

• 57:54Travis McElroy?

  Pronounce he/him.

• 57:55Griffin McElroy?

  Hey! Some Kellen heads in the audience tonight.

• 58:01Travis McElroy?

  So my question is, how many grapes can I eat at a grocery store over the course of a year before it is considered stealing?

• 58:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. So, Kellen, one.

• 58:16Travis McElroy?

  This is impo- wait, this is important. His fans are not happy about that, Griffin. They, the Kellen felons are displeased with you right now. Are you asking, like, how many, just in a normal course of eating grapes at the grocery store? Or how many can you get away with?

• 58:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, actually, that's a great question. Are you looking for some guardrails here or are you looking for a challenge?

• 58:42Travis McElroy?

  It's a challenge, cause if I just eat one, it's not stealing. That's not stealing.

• 58:46Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, really?

• 58:46Travis McElroy?

  It's definitely not. Okay, I will say this. One is trying them for buying, try before you buy. One of the great grocery store rules that we all abide by, try before you buy. Three is pushing it. But three is definitely pushing it. What the fuck are both of you talking about?

• 59:02Griffin McElroy?

  Kellen!

• 59:04Travis McElroy?

  I couldn't walk up to a watermelon and take a big bite out of it to be like, I went to see how all the watermelons are. Well, I didn't, I didn't say how many watermelons can I eat. Hey, Kellen!

• 59:17Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, Kellen, cool it.

• 59:18Travis McElroy?

  This isn't about you anymore. This is about Justin. You guys ever been to a pick and mix? You're not gonna sneak one out? Listen, also, hold on, wait.

• 59:25Griffin McElroy?

  Kellen, is your question to us, seriously? Is there a number between one and three?

• 59:33Speaker 05

  It's like one in 10.

• 59:36Travis McElroy?

  You just said three.

• 59:37Griffin McElroy?

  Way to move the goalposts on us, Kellen. Cause I was about to fucking slam dunk that one right in the answer hole.

• 59:44Travis McElroy?

  Kellen, I want you to imagine you're standing at, I guess, a big bin of grapes in your mind. And there's a security guard two feet away from you, looking at you. And I want you to honestly tell me how many grapes you feel comfortable eating.

• 1:00:00Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:00Travis McElroy?

  In front of that security guard.

• 1:00:02Speaker 05

  If I'm the security guard and it's.

• 1:00:04Travis McElroy?

  That's not what I said, Kellen!

• 1:00:06Griffin McElroy?

  Please don't yell at Kellen. The Kellen felon will be after you. Now, now Kellen.

• 1:00:11Travis McElroy?

  I'm yelling at the Kellen.

• 1:00:12Griffin McElroy?

  Now, Kellen, imagine the grapes are anything you want in the world and the security guard is Jesus Christ. And that was our entire childhood.

• 1:00:20Travis McElroy?

  Okay, Kellen, I have, okay. Are the grapes from different bunches? And are you going, "Mmm."

• 1:00:31Travis McElroy?

  I was gonna ask you if I knew. Now, listen, if you have two from one bunch, that's bad. If you have two from different bunches and you make a yuck face after each one, then I would just assume you're try before you buy, the number one rule of grocery. Yeah. That we all abide by and love. Try before you buy, guys!

• 1:00:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 1:00:51Travis McElroy?

  If I go up to the counter and I have an open box. Don't cheer for him because he keeps saying it. He can say this any time as he wants, it's untrue. If I go to the store at my local Kroger, right? Cause, cause they're union employees. And I go to the Kroger and I buy some Triscuits that are the ones that are olive oil and black pepper. And they're fucking outrageous, right? And I open them and I look at the person who is checking me out. And I'm like, "Hey, stop checking me out. I gotta go buy this stuff." And then I go to the place where you buy this stuff. And when I'm buying it, they're like, "Hey, you open this." If I look at them, I'm like, "Try before you buy."

• 1:01:28Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:28Travis McElroy?

  They're probably gonna get it. Yeah, well, but Justin, I would argue that what you've just done is disproven, disproven your own point because it involves two steps.

• 1:01:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:38Travis McElroy?

  Try before you buy.

• 1:01:41Griffin McElroy?

  Are you buying all the grapes?

• 1:01:42Travis McElroy?

  You've opened the Triscuits. You're not opening every box of Triscuits.

• 1:01:46Griffin McElroy?

  Kellen, you ain't buying.

• 1:01:46Travis McElroy?

  To find the right box of Triscuits.

• 1:01:49Griffin McElroy?

  Kellen, you ain't buying these grapes, are you? Nah!

• 1:01:54Griffin McElroy?

  Kellen, get out of here, Kellen. No, Kellen, don't get out of here. Kellen, get out of here. Kellen,

• 1:02:01Griffin McElroy?

  I have to really plant a flag here and say that the grocery store has designated "try before you buy" sections where the people are like, "Hey, do you want to try this tiny little, uh, cocktail weener?" That's a "try before you buy" zone. You don't walk up to them and you're like, "What you're doing is so superfluous."

• 1:02:23Travis McElroy?

  Kellen, I have a question for you. Do you get to choose what picture they put up on the wall of "Don't let this person in anymore"?

• 1:02:33Griffin McElroy?

  I hope it's not you just mouthful of grapes like,

• 1:02:40Griffin McElroy?

  "Also, Kellen, the answer might be time-based and not quantity-based. The most you can jam in 15 seconds."

• 1:02:48Travis McElroy?

  If I, if I told you guys you had to eat 10 grapes in 10 minutes at your local grocery store, would you eat them quickly?

• 1:02:58Griffin McElroy?

  Could you eat them?

• 1:02:59Travis McElroy?

  Or slowly and sneakily?

• 1:03:02Griffin McElroy?

  Drop them on the ground and then,

• 1:03:06Griffin McElroy?

  and then I stand up real quick like, "Oh, I can't buy these grapes, they're ground grapes." And the security guard slash Jesus is like, "That's okay."

• 1:03:13Travis McElroy?

  I would eat them quickly with my cheeks loaded so that if they tried to stop me, I could push on my cheeks real quick and they'd shoot out like a machine gun.

• 1:03:20Griffin McElroy?

  Would you be deliberate or would you try to cloak your actions?

• 1:03:23Travis McElroy?

  I would loudly announce, "Not this much."

• 1:03:26Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, good.

• 1:03:27Travis McElroy?

  Gross.

• 1:03:28Griffin McElroy?

  Gross. Kellen, does that help? Yeah, I love you guys. Thank you so much, Kellen. We love you as well.

• 1:03:35Griffin McElroy?

  What a hope.

• 1:03:38Speaker 03

  Hello, brothers.

• 1:03:39Griffin McElroy?

  Hi.

• 1:03:40Travis McElroy?

  Hi.

• 1:03:40Speaker 03

  Um, I am Corbin, they/them, and I'm trying very hard to be faster than fear right now.

• 1:03:45Griffin McElroy?

  You're doing amazing, Corbin. You, you came up here, Corbin.

• 1:03:50Travis McElroy?

  All you need is 10 seconds of insane courage. You know who said that? Matt Damon in "We Bought a Zoo."

• 1:03:56Griffin McElroy?

  That's true. They saw that clip literally just moments ago.

• 1:03:59Travis McElroy?

  It's a good bit.

• 1:04:00Griffin McElroy?

  It is a great bit. Corbin, your question, please.

• 1:04:04Speaker 03

  My question verbatim was, "I broke my toe trying to kick a pine cone in front of my friend. How do I recover from this?"

• 1:04:13Travis McElroy?

  Corbin, I loved this question before, but now that I've met you, I love it even more.

• 1:04:18Travis McElroy?

  I have follow-up questions, but I want to say sometimes we pick a question, and then I hear the actual human being deliver it, and a word pops out to me that suddenly is the most important word in that question. And for me right now, that word is "try."

• 1:04:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, so...

• 1:04:35Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:36Griffin McElroy?

  Corbin, can you paint us a word picture of the scene, please?

• 1:04:39Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:39Speaker 03

  So, me and my friend, we're walking across our college campus, going to get dinner. I see a pine cone. I'm like, "I'm gonna kick that..."

• 1:04:48Travis McElroy?

  Wait, sorry, did you say it out loud?

• 1:04:51Speaker 03

  I might have, quite honestly.

• 1:04:54Travis McElroy?

  Hey, Corbin telling this story is the most relaxed I've been all day.

• 1:04:57Griffin McElroy?

  Actually, yeah.

• 1:04:58Travis McElroy?

  I'll just chill.

• 1:04:59Speaker 03

  So, I go to try to kick this pine cone, and I misjudge the distance, and I kick the ground instead.

• 1:05:05Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. So, it wasn't like a super-heavy pine cone?

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  No, it was not, no.

• 1:05:11Griffin McElroy?

  Damn, Corbin. I'll be honest, that's where a lot of my interests lie in the question.

• 1:05:16Travis McElroy?

  I was ready for, "I tried to kick a pine cone, and it turned out it was a fire hydrant."

• 1:05:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:22Travis McElroy?

  And I just had a bad perspective. Did you say something, or did you just want to be fucking Dennis the Menace for a second?

• 1:05:30Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, were you trying to kick it into Mr. Wilson's, like, picnic basket?

• 1:05:34Travis McElroy?

  Corbin, I don't know you that well. Are you just a little stinker? What's the deal?

• 1:05:37Speaker 03

  I don't know what I was doing, quite honestly.

• 1:05:40Griffin McElroy?

  Corbin, no, don't let Justin make you feel strange. The human desire when you see a pine cone right in your way.

• 1:05:45Travis McElroy?

  Drill it.

• 1:05:46Griffin McElroy?

  When your brain just goes, "What the fuck is that doing there?"

• 1:05:51Griffin McElroy?

  That is a, what is it, a Voit-Komf, like, human test. You have passed it.

• 1:05:56Travis McElroy?

  And what you did is the equivalent of a real human being quick-time event, where you were supposed to hit circle, and you hit X.

• 1:06:05Griffin McElroy?

  You were fucking Ryu Hazuki with a roundhouse kick coming at your head, like, "Beep, beep, beep, beep." What?

• 1:06:11Travis McElroy?

  Did you have a second, even a millisecond where you second guessed yourself as you were about to deliver the kick, like, "I shouldn't be doing this"? Or were you fully committed?

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  I think I was fully committed.

• 1:06:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I think otherwise you wouldn't have broken your toe.

• 1:06:26Griffin McElroy?

  What was the, can you tell me what the next 10 seconds of your life was like?

• 1:06:29Travis McElroy?

  And I'd love to, the 10 minutes after that would be great, too.

• 1:06:32Speaker 03

  Agony and shouting swear words, quite honestly.

• 1:06:34Griffin McElroy?

  Was your friend like, "Hey, Corbin, what the fuck were you doing"?

• 1:06:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:40Travis McElroy?

  Did you do what, listen, I've been, um, a white man for a long time.

• 1:06:49Travis McElroy?

  Did you try going, "It clearly moved"? Because it's that kind of placing the blame on anything else. It makes you feel better and bigger and stronger.

• 1:07:00Griffin McElroy?

  When you told your friend I was trying to, did you explain to your friend, "I was trying to kick that pine cone, but I missed and I kicked the ground"?

• 1:07:05Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, 100%.

• 1:07:06Griffin McElroy?

  Was your friend like, "Oh, I get it"? Or what did they say?

• 1:07:09Travis McElroy?

  Were you explaining through tears, like, "I was just..."

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  A little bit, probably, yeah.

• 1:07:15Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, man. Corbin, that's rough.

• 1:07:16Travis McElroy?

  Dang, Corbin, that's so rough. Have you thought about moving?

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm fine now.

• 1:07:23Griffin McElroy?

  When you say how to recover from this, do you mean from a physical or emotional standpoint?

• 1:07:28Speaker 03

  Emotional.

• 1:07:28Griffin McElroy?

  We won't be able to help with either, but...

• 1:07:31Travis McElroy?

  You know, it's nice, though, that fate gave you this chance to reexamine your friendship with this person and see how important you are.

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  I mean, listen, they're here with me tonight, so...

• 1:07:40Travis McElroy?

  Fuck!

• 1:07:41Griffin McElroy?

  I love that. Corbin, let me say this.

• 1:07:44Travis McElroy?

  I moved the pine cone when you weren't looking?

• 1:07:46Griffin McElroy?

  I did it, I did a little bit of psychokinesis, just to punk you. I've never broken a bone in my body. I think I might be unbreakable. You heard it here first. But...

• 1:07:58Travis McElroy?

  That was my suspicion, knowing you your whole life, as I have, Griffin, that you might be unbreakable. Never had a sick day in his...

• 1:08:06Griffin McElroy?

  What if, what if...

• 1:08:07Travis McElroy?

  Griffin is untenable.

• 1:08:13Griffin McElroy?

  It's too mean.

• 1:08:16Griffin McElroy?

  Corbin, this is a kick-ass story, as evidenced by the fact-

• 1:08:19Travis McElroy?

  Not a Kit Kohn story!

• 1:08:20Griffin McElroy?

  No. It's a kick-ass story, Corbin, as evidenced by the fact that we just had to hear it here at our live show tonight. You- this is going to serve you so well at so many corporate icebreaker events-

• 1:08:33Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:34Griffin McElroy?

  -youth group meet and greets.

• 1:08:37Travis McElroy?

  And what's wonderful is memory can be very malleable, and the more we tell stories over time, the more they can change. But not this one, it's recorded in a podcast, Corbin.

• 1:08:46Griffin McElroy?

  This is forever.

• 1:08:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's gonna be interesting when my mom listens to this episode, because I still haven't told her that I broke my toe yet.

• 1:08:55Travis McElroy?

  Hey, Corbin's mom, I moved the pine cone, it's my fault.

• 1:08:59Travis McElroy?

  But not in a legally liable way.

• 1:09:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Corbin, are you okay now, or are you still recovering?

• 1:09:07Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I mean, this literally happened like two days ago.

• 1:09:10Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, okay, so you're not okay now?

• 1:09:12Speaker 03

  I mean, it's fine.

• 1:09:14Travis McElroy?

  Will you ever dance again?

• 1:09:15Griffin McElroy?

  It's fu- are you fucking Wolverine?

• 1:09:18Travis McElroy?

  I wanna see that issue of Exen where Wolverine breaks his toe trying to kick a bike up in front of like Cyclops, and he's like, "Don't tell anyone, bub. Just shut up for three minutes, bub, I'll be fine. I need a moment over here behind the street, don't look at me, bub."

• 1:09:34Griffin McElroy?

  Corbin, I don't know if we've helped you, but you've helped us a lot-

• 1:09:38Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:38Griffin McElroy?

  -and made us feel very human in this moment, and I thank you so much for that.

• 1:09:42Travis McElroy?

  Thank you, Corbin, I celebrate you, Corbin.

• 1:09:45Griffin McElroy?

  Was it like that?

• 1:09:47Travis McElroy?

  Really big pine cone, though.

• 1:09:50Griffin McElroy?

  Paul just had that fucking picture on his desktop, dirty dog.

• 1:09:55Travis McElroy?

  Wait, no, go back, pull back, Paul. Why is the second smaller pine cone in that picture?

• 1:10:02Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, hello.

• 1:10:03Speaker 06

  Hi, uh, I'm Gideon.

• 1:10:06Griffin McElroy?

  Hi, Gideon. Hi, Gideon.

• 1:10:08Speaker 06

  So, um, I have a coworker who has a pet owl. And, like, the one day that I was off, like, she brought it into work.

• 1:10:22Travis McElroy?

  Ugh.

• 1:10:23Speaker 06

  And I used to wanna be an ornithologist as a kid growing up, like...

• 1:10:30Griffin McElroy?

  Is that an owl doctor?

• 1:10:31Speaker 06

  Uh, study birds.

• 1:10:33Griffin McElroy?

  Study birds, got it. Thank you so much for using the exact terminology I needed to understand that. Study birds, you say.

• 1:10:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:43Griffin McElroy?

  Not owl doctor, but study birds.

• 1:10:44Speaker 06

  Right, right, right.

• 1:10:46Travis McElroy?

  That's called an owlologist.

• 1:10:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure. Is it the pellets? 'Cause I fucking get it, man, it's crazy.

• 1:10:52Travis McElroy?

  My children are asking me if we can buy those pellets at the store.

• 1:10:54Griffin McElroy?

  No, but you can buy them online.

• 1:10:56Travis McElroy?

  Probably a weird store.

• 1:10:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. So, um, you missed the owl.

• 1:11:00Speaker 06

  Yes, and, uh, it sucked so much. Like, my boss was showing me all the pictures she took when it was there. And apparently, like, uh, I work in the adjacent office to my boss and, like, she kept the owl in my boss's office for the entire day.

• 1:11:20Travis McElroy?

  Ah, man. Did it feel pointed? Is that the problem? You feel like they waited till they knew you weren't gonna be there and they said, "Today's the day the owl's coming in, fuck Gideon"? Is that the problem? I didn't think that was actually a... That was a joke.

• 1:11:36Speaker 06

  No, no, no. Uh, she's really nice, but...

• 1:11:39Griffin McElroy?

  Are you just trying to tell us about this very sad Ray Bradbury short story?

• 1:11:46Speaker 06

  No, uh, so I've asked her to, like, bring it back in, 'cause I really wanna meet it. And apparently it was really nice, um...

• 1:11:54Griffin McElroy?

  For an owl.

• 1:11:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:11:55Travis McElroy?

  Wait, you asked her and she did?

• 1:11:57Speaker 06

  She, she's like, "Oh, maybe one day."

• 1:12:00Griffin McElroy?

  That sucks.

• 1:12:01Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 1:12:02Griffin McElroy?

  That sucks.

• 1:12:02Travis McElroy?

  Gideon, can I say this blew this whole mystery, like, to another level? I own several pets. The littlest bit of encouragement it would take for me to bring my pet back to the office?

• 1:12:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Can I read the exact wording of the email, Gideon? 'Cause it's like a...

• 1:12:17Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:12:18Griffin McElroy?

  It's a, it's like a poem riddle. "How do I convince my coworker to bring her owl back to the office?" In my mind, you did something.

• 1:12:29Griffin McElroy?

  Upon the first meeting of the owl and you were like, "Hey, listen coworker."

• 1:12:34Travis McElroy?

  I'd love another shot.

• 1:12:35Griffin McElroy?

  "I know I fucked up." "I know I fucked up last time."

• 1:12:39Travis McElroy?

  That's so interesting.

• 1:12:40Griffin McElroy?

  "I fed the owl all of my keys one at a time and I know now that was fucking wrong."

• 1:12:45Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I will still say though, the owl should know not to eat keys. You should train your owl better than that for sure. I thought that it was more Griffin, a scenario where it's like, "You brought the owl in and I didn't get enough."

• 1:12:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:58Travis McElroy?

  "Listen, I know at the time, I seemed like I was like, 'And that's enough owl, but I can't stop thinking about it.'"

• 1:13:05Griffin McElroy?

  The idea of owning an owl seems crazy to me. They're so wise, like...

• 1:13:11Travis McElroy?

  And big and weird.

• 1:13:13Griffin McElroy?

  They're so wise and big and weird. It's like owning a wizard. Like, what?

• 1:13:17Travis McElroy?

  Gideon, have you thought about releasing a lot of voles and moles and stuff into the office? Oh, that's good, trap.

• 1:13:24Speaker 06

  I work at a jewelry store.

• 1:13:26Travis McElroy?

  Perfect. Those bitches love rings.

• 1:13:31Griffin McElroy?

  Voles?

• 1:13:32Travis McElroy?

  Voles love rings.

• 1:13:33Griffin McElroy?

  Can you refrain from saying bitches at all, but especially when referring to voles? Sir?

• 1:13:41Travis McElroy?

  There are several parts of my lawn that I can't walk on without sinking into them and I don't care for them.

• 1:13:46Griffin McElroy?

  Right, I get you now.

• 1:13:47Travis McElroy?

  Gideon, I would like you to, next time you go in the office, I need you to start talking about your four incredible boys. And then every time you go in for the next few months, start talking about your four incredible sons, your four great boys, and then start talking about how into owls they are, right? And then you tell them, "Hey, I'm gonna bring my four incredible boys in tomorrow. Would you please bring the owl?" And they'll be like, "Who's gonna let down four incredible kids, right?" And then they come in with the owl, "Psych, it's too late though. You don't have sons."

• 1:14:13Griffin McElroy?

  Wait, why four boys? That's so crazy. Gideon, I'm guessing you've not already laid the groundwork for your four amazing sons?

• 1:14:25Speaker 06

  I have made it very clear that I'm never having kids and also I'm a lesbian.

• 1:14:29Travis McElroy?

  Well, because you already have four.

• 1:14:32Travis McElroy?

  Hey, Gideon, to be fair, that's why these four amazing boys were such a surprise, cuz like...

• 1:14:39Griffin McElroy?

  That's pretty amazing.

• 1:14:40Travis McElroy?

  Who saved who, you know? It's like, wow, these four boys.

• 1:14:45Travis McElroy?

  What a miracle. They love owls so much. And then you reveal it's four young owls you've adopted who need someone to look up to.

• 1:14:55Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think you bring an owl into the jewelry store unless it is part of some sort of heist. I think.

• 1:15:03Travis McElroy?

  Ah, oh, yeah. Disagree. Security measure. Think about it, Griffin. You're going in, you're gonna steal some jewelry, and then you look up and there's a big owl on top of the case.

• 1:15:14Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:15:15Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you know what? Fuck, I'm gonna go.

• 1:15:16Griffin McElroy?

  Let me hit you with this scenario, Travis. You get your pet owl back from your office, which is the jewelry store. The owl poops. You get out a little knife and cut it open, and uh-oh, it's breakfast at Tiffany's up in there.

• 1:15:27Travis McElroy?

  Wait, hold on. That's good. Are you saying, Griffin, warring owls? Security owl, thief owl. Yes. Bring in your own owl, Gideon. Now, listen, I don't know where to get owls besides the forest.

• 1:15:44Travis McElroy?

  If they brought the owl in just to eat jewelry and shit it out later, they may wish you would stop asking about the owl. I would start to worry for your safety at a certain point, Gideon. They're like, I don't know why Gideon keeps asking about the fucking owl.

• 1:15:59Griffin McElroy?

  Does that help, Gideon?

• 1:16:00Speaker 06

  So much.

• 1:16:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah. So much, Gideon. And thank you, Atlanta, for coming to our live episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me.

• 1:16:09Travis McElroy?

  Hey, this might surprise you, but we're gonna be in this very room again tomorrow.

• 1:16:15Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, we are doing The Adventure Zone vs. Popeye, DM'd by our dad, Clint McElroy.

• 1:16:22Travis McElroy?

  I don't wanna oversell it, but if you don't have tickets to that show, we have an incredible new technological innovation that is going to allow you in the audience to see our dice rolls on this very screen.

• 1:16:35Griffin McElroy?

  We're, we've really.

• 1:16:38Travis McElroy?

  We've really- We've really modernized the format. We've really caught up with the times. I'm saying you'll see the dice on there, right? You're not gonna have to stand up to look, they'll be on the screen.

• 1:16:49Griffin McElroy?

  In past Taz Live shows, we've made everyone line up and come look at every dice roll we've done. Now, we're gonna put a bit on the screen and it's gonna be so kick-ass.

• 1:16:58Travis McElroy?

  Not everyone, not everyone! We've normally only gone through one dice roll and act.

• 1:17:03Griffin McElroy?

  That's actually not too far off.

• 1:17:07Griffin McElroy?

  But seriously, thank you all for coming. Uh, thank you to the Atlanta Symphony for having us. This place is absolutely gorgeous.

• 1:17:12Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. I think this is like, our third time. I think maybe our third time being here.

• 1:17:17Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, we have posters for sale. Thank you Cynthia for the kick-ass design. Uh, we signed a bunch of them. There may still be some signed out there. Uh, and also, we still have the Pulse of Born Memorial Can Food Drive, all sales for which go to benefit the Atlanta Community Food Bank.

• 1:17:32Travis McElroy?

  And we're doing a bunch of other like, panels and stuff over at Dragon Con.

• 1:17:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, signings and-

• 1:17:35Travis McElroy?

  If you go to bit.ly/macaroytours, you can find all of the events listed there.

• 1:17:39Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you to Paul. Thank you to our dad, Clint McElroy. Thank you to Amanda, our, uh, our business manager. Thank you so much to, uh, Rachel, our editor and audio engineer, who also used a seam ripper to cut a small hole in my jumpsuit so I can get in my pocket without going in the front. So huge. Thank you, Rachel. You're a lifesaver.

• 1:18:01Travis McElroy?

  If I, uh, and I, if I could say something sincerely, I, Dragon Con is incredible and there is so much incredible stuff happening here every single night and all day. And I really, really appreciate everyone here deciding to come here and hang out with us in opposed to all the other amazing things you'd be doing. Thank you so much.

• 1:18:20Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, seriously, genuinely. You all have been fucking amazing.

• 1:18:23Travis McElroy?

  Thank you so much.

• 1:18:25Travis McElroy?

  I hope you'll do it again tomorrow. Thank you.

• 1:18:26Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song, "My Life Is Better With You." How about, uh, this final fear to reallow?

• 1:18:34Travis McElroy?

  Yes, please, Griffin.

• 1:18:35Griffin McElroy?

  That someone would like to be faster than this in the year of our Lord, 20 Thunder Drive. Let's go. This year, I will be faster than my fear of Switchfoot's song, "Dare You To Move."

• 1:18:49Travis McElroy?

  My name's Justin McElroy. My name's Travis McElroy.

• 1:18:53Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McElroy.

• 1:18:54Travis McElroy?

  My brother, my brother, me kiss your dad square on the lips.

• 1:19:02Speaker 06

  It's better with you. My life! Ahhh. It's better, it's better with you. It's better with you. My life! Ahhh. It's better, it's better with you. This is true. Ahhh. It's better, it's better with you. My life! Ahhh. It's better with you. Maximum Fun.

• 1:19:32Griffin McElroy?

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