School Bullies, Racism & Toilet Catastrophes

How would you handle a school bully? In this episode of Wolf & Owl, Romesh opens up about being bullied at school and he shares a story about a fight that left a lasting impression. The boys discuss racism and answer an email on how to deal with your child being bullied. Elsewhere, they tackle a particularly unfortunate skid mark scenario before getting into some important toilet tips courtesy of Tom. Another week, another collection of questionable stories and life lessons from Wolf & Owl. A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. If you've been thinking about therapy, BetterHelp can help you take the first step. Sign up and get 10% off at https://www. BetterHelp.com/wolfowl Chapters 00:00 Intro 03:01 School bullying and racism 05:05 Romesh’s school fight 11:00 How to handle it 15:31 A skid mark scenario 12:51 Some safety advice 24:01 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Welcome to the email edition of the Wolf and Al Podcast. We're doing some emails for you.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  WolfAlPod at Gmail dot com if you want to send in a query.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Like, subscribe.

• 0:30Speaker 00

  Or an opinion. Yeah, like, subscribe, all that big stuff.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  Keep reposting the clips, the clips are doing great.

• 0:36Speaker 00

  You don't have to repost the clips.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  It's nice if you do though.

• 0:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Really, really gather momentum. Really get some people going, oh my god, these two have got a podcast.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:44Speaker 00

  I do think we promoted it now.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, by the way, yeah, I think we need to shout out the people now behind the scenes.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Who have actually, for the first time in a long time, I feel like people actually go, oh, so you have got a podcast?

• 0:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Well, I've had one for six years, everyone goes, you should do a podcast, everyone's doing one now.

• 1:00Speaker 00

  I was walking past the bar last night after a gig.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02Speaker 00

  And a load of people shouted out, Wolf and Al, Wolf and Al, I was walking past, it was pretty good.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  This is not one of your jokes.

• 1:08Speaker 00

  It's not, really?

• 1:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. Okay, well, okay.

• 1:10Speaker 00

  What a shit joke that would be, by the way.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but some of your jokes can be a bit like that.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, fine.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  You can get away with that stuff.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  What do you mean, what's that?

• 1:16Speaker 01

  You can say stuff in that, in your tone, and I believe, it's not really, you know that I, I'm like, huh, what? And you go, I'm joking. And I go, oh, I really like the idea of that.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  I'm joking, of course, that would never happen.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Oh, I think, do you know what I think? I think onions are getting above their station. I'm getting, I'm getting fed up of onions, walking around, giving it to Billy Bigball.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  Hey, you know an onion?

• 1:44Speaker 01

  You know when I see a lot of onions?

• 1:45Speaker 00

  Hey, you know an onion called the other day for you and said you're amazing? Of course it didn't, onions don't talk.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  I think an onion would be a good friend for you, he's got lots of layers, and he could go with anything.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  And you're just sharp, bitter, a bit like me.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Why are you doing that with your face?

• 2:09Speaker 01

  I love this, this is a you, yeah.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I'll teach him a lesson.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  You can say anything, I'll fall for it, because I love yous.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Why don't you unbuckle your jeans and take them down?

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Why, mate? I'll do it if you want me to, I've got to say, buckles are really underrated. Not enough people talk about buckles. You know, do you know what, I feel sorry for buckles, they're just walking around going, I'm holding on as tight as I can, do they ever get any credit? No, they bloody don't. But you know what, I'd like to go up to, I'd like to go up to the inventor of buckles and suck him off.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Do you know who invented buckles? Lewis Capaldi? No, he didn't.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  It's that face, that makes you think.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  Want to be the one who's always in the know about the game, the scores, the plays? Here's a tip, the Apple Sports app. Just pick your favourite teams and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  Uh, right, first email, do you want to read it or shall I?

• 3:28Speaker 01

  I think this is a you one.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Lads, lads, lads.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Yo.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Big fan of the pod, that's how the podcast started, the email started, by the way. Big fan of the pod and I thought I'd reach out for a bit of advice. I'm a second generation Chinese, forty seven year old British chap, my son is a fourteen year old Wajian legend. Uh, he's very cool, funny, good looking, ridiculously clever and captain the school football team, yes, I am jealous.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Sounds a bit like Theo.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. Uh, we recently, yeah. God.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  You've literally become that guy now.

• 3:57Speaker 00

  Oh, god, it's infected me. The reason you got a call from the school is you got into a fight. Now, despite all the admirable attributes our boy has, height, strength and overall body mass, like me aren't part of the collection, so this is surprising. The other boy, a friend, allegedly called him the C word, often used by boomers to describe a Chinese takeaway. Not once, but twi- not twice, but indeed thrice. The third time, our mini me went straight up to the agitator and punched him. He punched with an exchange before being separated. Now, here's the issue, I've explained to him in a very dadlike way that it was very different back in my day and the only way to deal with this shit was to fight, three and O by the way. However, what I don't want is for him to feel the same way I did when I was racially abused as a kid. The truth is, I was never taught how to deal with it properly. I just felt an instant hurricane of sadness and anger.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  My wife, a very sensible white ex-police sergeant, says they're just words and violence is never the answer. But I do feel it's very difficult to explain to someone that feeling. Romesh, I'm not sure if you've felt this way, I, I've no doubt you've experienced similar throughout your life, being literally everywhere in the mainstream UK media, and that's a compliment. Part of me is a little bit proud he stuck up for himself. The other fourteen year old, he had the fight with his widdy six foot three and an absolute unit. I've also told him about the importance of choosing your battles. But ultimately, I don't want him to feel ashamed, belittled, angry and sad like I did when I was a kid. I guess what I'm asking, particularly Romesh, is what do you say to your boys when dealing with this bullshit? I still would value any input from the mighty Tom too. It's good to hear from a victim and an aggressor, I think. Me and said son are coming to see him in September in Ramsgate, home of the world's biggest weather spoons. All the best, lads, proud panda.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Uh, Tom.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Well, I think this is.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  Well, look, uh, I can relate to both of these things. I got racially abused at school quite a lot, and I got stuff that, uh, like slurs thrown at me a fair bit. And, um, I remember once, I was walking out of school and like, there was this kid that was sort of known for being racist, he just spat on me.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  He spat on you?

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, as I was walking out of school, but it was like, yeah, it's horrible. So you just get shit, I used to get shit like that, and I, once I was, mate, actually, this is quite funny, there's this kid, I'm not going to name him, but there's a kid, massive.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  And we were, so there was.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Those big kids, which really makes me, as what was a big kid, quite sad.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  But there was like a little subway, like, uh, just across the, from the front of the school.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  And that's where all the fights used to happen. So one day, we're at the school, we're watching the school football match, a school football match. And I walked over to him and I was saying something to him, and he basically called me a P word.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Right? So I, I sort of said to him, why did you, you know, we, we got a bit aggressive, but he's, the guy was huge and I was scared.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  But at the same time, I wanted to do something about it, because it was such a, you know, obviously, like that hurricane of sadness is, is accurate, right? It's just like a horrible, horrible reminder of like, how some people feel about it or whatever.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  So then I off, I basically said, uh, uh, let, we're going to sort this out, right? I didn't want to, but I just felt like I had no choice, right?

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  So then there's quite a lot of Asian kids in my, in my year group, and they said, um, they were like, egging me on and they're going, look, we've got your back, we've got your back, da, da, da. And, um, so it was the day that we're due to have the fight, so imagine being at, like, your, at school, the whole day.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  That's all everyone focuses on.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, and everyone's talking about it, everyone's coming up to me going, are you definitely going to, like, are you, are you going to turn up? And I'm, and I'm going, yeah, yeah, yeah, he shouldn't have said it, he shouldn't have said it. I'm shitting myself, mate.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  It's like doing a gig, or it's worse than a gig.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Fucking shitting myself.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Whole school, by the way, now is probably invested.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  And then I get to, they get, like, as the end of the day is approaching, I'm just like, there's no way, this guy's going to fucking pulverise me, but I've said it now, do you know what I mean? Because I don't want to back down. So, end of school, everybody is, is like, at that end of the school, right?

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Popcorn?

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Biscuits?

• 7:43Speaker 00

  Properly, go down to the subway, just kids lining the whole things everywhere, right?

• 7:49Speaker 01

  What was the, how, how were they like greeting you when you turned up?

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Uh, I think they just wanted to see a fight, I mean, I, I, I like, it wasn't like, you didn't feel, they didn't feel like animosity, but there weren't people going, kill him, Romesh, kill him. But they were like, I had a group of like people with me that were just like, sort of, you know. Anyway, so I'm waiting in the subway, and I'm like, basically, I'm waiting to get my head kicked in.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Because there's no way I'll win this fight, right? But I've, I've, I've got to stand up for myself, blah, blah, blah.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  I bet there's one wise ass kid who was like, dead man Morgan.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, all that, yeah, but there's, nobody believed that I had a chance in this. But they, I think that's what, it, it sort of made it, there were some people supporting me that couldn't believe that I'd offer this guy. Anyway, I don't know why, but for some reason, his arse went and he didn't turn up. I have got no idea why, right?

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Did you never see him again?

• 8:40Speaker 00

  I saw him at school and.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then he's a chicken.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Yes. Now, I don't know what happened, right? All I can tell you is, we waited like.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  By the way, there's very few reasons you, you chicken out of a fight like that. Like, you know what I mean? When your mum's called you home, chicken.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  You got something else on, chicken.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  You're a fucking chicken, you're a piece of shit anyway.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  There's another, there's another Asian guy that you've got to have a fight with, because you called him a P word, chicken. Um, anyway, the long, the, basically what happened was is enough time had elapsed.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  The nobility thrown on you then.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  My god, that was some of my, those were my halcyon days at school. Holy shit, I'll come in the next day.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Listeners who might not know what's halcyon mean.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  That was when I was in my pomp.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  Like really good.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  That was, I was like Marvel, like in the Infinity Wars.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Oh my days.

• 9:32Speaker 00

  Era, do you know what I mean? Like at the absolute top of my game, people going, oh my God, I can't believe it, can't believe it in.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  Cause you've won the fight.

• 9:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. People like, I've, I'm basically.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  And also by the way, you've got a certain candace there until like you have to have another fight of Romesh Ranganathan's the hardest guy in the school.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  But then obviously I then had to do the thing of like, are you gonna like, are you gutted? Like, do you wanna sort out? I go, no, I think the message, I think he's got the message. I, I, I think, I don't think there needs to be a rematch, put it that way.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Well, I think the whole thing about a rematch is you have to have a match, have a rematch and he was too. To turn up.

• 10:04Speaker 00

  Um, then at uni I was, we were, like, it's happened a few times. We got jumped by Skinner's when I was coming out of a club in uni and stuff like, so it happens. Anyway. So I do think it was worse back then. However, um, the boys have had like racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like not loads, not as much as I did, but um, they have had it, like a, like comments and stuff. I remember like, uh. We had a bit of an incident. I think I've said, I don't know if I've said this before, but somebody, one of the kids, I think it might have been Theo. Uh, was chatting to a girl, like, you know, it's just some friend at school. And one of the other kids said, I don't know why you're bothering to chat to her. You're gonna end up marrying your cousin or something like that, right?

• 10:47Speaker 00

  So Theo came home and told us, but I, I feel like, um, the boys. And they've, and they've had like, Alex has had the P word like said to him, do you know what I mean? When he's been walking around school.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  You think that's now because of the world has become more.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  I've, yeah, well, I think possibly, but I, I, but I think at a certain point you've got to go. They're obviously, they're obviously hearing that at home. So when, whenever, whenever I see that. Or I hear that a kid's done it, I'm then, I'm then, the next time I see their parents, I'm thinking you've racist, you're probably racist, right? Do you know what I mean? And that's a horrible thing. I, I actually think. I, I get that your, um, your son wanted to defend himself. In my opinion, I think racism is horrible and abhorrent.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  I think it's a mistake to supercharge it. And what I mean by that is if somebody calls you a racial slur. And it immediately ignites you, it gives that person power over you, I think.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:46Speaker 00

  Do you, do you mean? So they know if they say that word, they can get like a rise out of you. I remember once I was walking past the pub and this guy, this is like maybe. My dad had just passed away, so this must have been, so I was in a bad way mentally and I think my friends had taken me out. My brother and I are dinner out for a drink to sort of like, do you know what I mean? Just to sort of. And we were walking past this pub and this guy started shouting, he sort of targeted me, but I was with, anyway, he started shouting at me going. Um, so many racial, like so much racist stuff. It was like pretty unprovoked, just so much like.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Levering me with like racial slurs. And I turned around and I was in the mood to like, I was in a bad place. And I turned around and then this guy, really lovely guy, ran from like somewhere else and came and grabbed me. And he said, I know you're angry. And he said, but he's saying whatever he possibly can to provoke people because he's been looking for a fight, right? He's been saying it's all. So then I realised this guy's just saying it to, to rile me up. And then I realised that actually we're giving those words like power, do you know what I mean? And, and I think like, actually you wanna kind of, I'm not saying you shouldn't react to racism. But I'm saying that immediately leading you to be violent is not something I want my kids to do, do you know what I mean? And I, and I get.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  Why the panda is saying, I was sort, I was sort of proud because you do wanna stick up for yourself. But actually. I think just meeting it with violence probably isn't, probably isn't the way. Although, you know, if my kids, if my kids did something like that. I would find it difficult to really punish, to be angry with them.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think you, yeah, cause, yeah.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Cause it's like, it's just a horrible thing, do you know what I mean?

• 13:27Speaker 01

  It's awful, man.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  It's all, I, like, yeah.

• 13:31Speaker 00

  And you like, I mean, I don't know if you wanna give it your story from the other side of that.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I was just saying.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Why would you say so? Why did you say?

• 13:45Speaker 01

  Oh, I say sensitive. Um.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Chill out, guys, man. Live for the moment. Um.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  If you don't like the chat, go home.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  The reason I couldn't get down to the big, the, the underpass for a fight was I had to go to my gran's house and she was ill. Um. Uh, I, we, the first, one of the first ever times I really witnessed, uh, anything like that, we, we were, uh. I was like, we were filming a thing and we're, there's like four actors in the back of a car. And one of them was quite drunk and he, just with what you were saying about the guy outside the pub. And he, he started digging me out about something. Uh, and was just trying to provoke me and I was whatever, you know? And then tried to do it to another, this other actor, tried just to provoke him, trying to, and then when it came to a turn, turn of. The, the fourth guy, it was, it, it, it was a racial thing.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  He just went in with racism. And at that point, the guy, you know, the guy went to hit the guy being racist. I was like, that you, you know? I was going to, you know, I would just jumped in and was like, if you hit him tomorrow, it's not about. Like what this guy said, that you've hit this guy. And then he's, he was a bigger name than the rest of us. My thing with, with, but it was one of a few times and then just sat with this guy afterwards for, for an hour or so. And he was just in tears and you're just like, fuck, like this, just, just that. To see someone just go from this to this, to almost the most abhorrent thing, just to get a rise out of someone. And clearly that was the thing that, that spiked and.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, I, I mean, personally, I, I find it, yeah, I'd find it very hard not to. Feel a certain level of pride or anything in the fact that you, the son has stuck up for himself. Um. And like in any situation, it's just, yeah, it's the worst. I often find it very soul destroying.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  When you hear of it, uh, of it happening, especially, you know, at that age.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  You know, kids getting that kind of, using that kind of language is very, very sad. Um, yeah.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Anyway, long may it continue. I'm all right. Uh, shall we get to the next one?

• 15:55Speaker 01

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• 15:57Speaker 00

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• 17:38Speaker 01

  Hey mateys, uh, I've recently started facing a regular problem. Mainly at work where the toilets I go to use are utterly covered in skid marks.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  Oh God.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Obviously, this is, by the way, we just had a really highbrow.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  One where, you know, and then the bushes are very much.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  It's quite appropriate, isn't it? Cause probably a person of colour doing that.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  Obviously, this isn't much of a big deal, but it's happening so frequently now. I'm slowly starting to despair. Aside from being fucking disgusting, I met with quite an issue when I stumbled across said stains. Do I clean the shit stains out or do I leave them? Well, I can tell you, if you're going to the Ranga B offices, the answer is leaving them.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  I've been there for three weeks, man, that's all I'm saying.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Has there been shit stains in the toilet?

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, the men's toilets is a big skid mark.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Is there?

• 18:30Speaker 01

  I'm joking, of course.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Oh, good for you, you're serious.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Oh, it's just rummaged you, um.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Do you remember when you came to Crawley to that gig and somebody had shat on the floor?

• 18:38Speaker 01

  That was, by the way, one of the most disgusting things I ever heard about.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Thanks for coming around there. Alright, let's go.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Shout out Dinesh. Um, do I clean the shit stains or do I leave them? My gut reaction is always no fuck that the previous shitting gimp should have sorted it out like the adults say, ah. However, my paranoid brain is therefore being, what if someone uses the toilet right after me and thinks I'm the grotty little troll man? Who leaves a shite round for all to see. It's genuinely baffling that these feral fecal fecal phantoms can do this so shamelessly. And I'm reduced to cleaning up after these fuckers like some kind of poo cuck. God, this is incredible writing. Is there, is there even a solution to this? I was considering making some signs, shaming them to stick around, uh, stick around the bog. Maybe you should, uh, you both have an ideas. If not, at least I'm helped to fill the pod's poo quota for this episode. All the best. A J.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  A J, great email.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  And a J, well, that's not any Joshua, is it?

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is, hundred percent.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Imagine if it was.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Eddie Hearn, fucking.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Oh, Skitters. Um, this is the, I weirdly, uh, we have this, uh, the offices at my work. So the offices at my work, the toilet at my offices is, uh, um, and he said like fucking male film, my toilets. What's it called? Like fucking, anyone can use them. Unisex, that's a well known one. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking sparring him. So they're unisex toilets, anyone can use them.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Was it difficult to remember the word when you say disgusted by the concept?

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Um, no, no, but my, my, my big thing about that is, right, if it's just male toilets.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  There's a certain level of depravity you're allowed it to decline to.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Right. If, if you're following me into the toilet.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  You don't care how you leave it, I know. I remember King Gary.

• 20:21Speaker 01

  We didn't share a toilet.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, flushing optional on the King Gary, so.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  But I, I, I, there's, there's people who do it at our office, where you go in the toilet and, and that feeling of like, I'm gonna have to clean this up. Cause quite a lot of the time, there's people waiting to go in after you. If you come out and there's skid marks and then the more shaming thing of having to go, oh, that wasn't me, by the way, um.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  I've never, I've never done that.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  It's too difficult, you can't pull it off.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  No.

• 20:49Speaker 00

  Not even you.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, no. And also, by the way, I look like it probably was me. Yeah, I have that look.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. I can't think of anybody, and it sounds like an insult, but it isn't, cause I love you. I can't think of a description of anybody or a look of anybody that would look more like they'd left skid marks on the pan than you.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I have that look about me. Can I say, by the way, little, little, little tip? If you're gonna go for that kind of poo, try and hold your wee in, turn around and do your piss afterwards and.

• 21:12Speaker 00

  Jesus fucking Christ.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  That's a fucking great tip. You jet wash them off yourself after. It's one of the joys of having a penis. It's like you turn around, squirt it all away, it's gone. Flush the chain afterwards, obviously.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  You know, that's, but I, I would say this, it, it's very hard, you, the sign thing, where do you set? Cause I don't think you can leave the sign saying.

• 21:37Speaker 00

  I don't think the signs, I don't think the signs will do anything and then, and then it will lead to an investigation as to who put the signs up.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:44Speaker 00

  And then you don't wanna be like the toilet sign person, do you?

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Well, but it's like, what do you think if people are not looking, because I'm, by the way, cause I look like that person, I'm really fucking. I'm quite anal about it.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I tend to clean up.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do. You clean up other people's.

• 22:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Well, if I'm going for a wee.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  Unless it's really bad, in which case I probably won't use the toilet, but genuinely, generally, I would clean up, yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Do you ever do it where you go in and you see the skids, but you know, you use the toilet and go, Christ, and the person behind you, Jesus. I'll take a bullet here, you know what I mean?

• 22:19Speaker 00

  No.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  I'd reach your head back and go, ow, this one's gonna hurt.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  No, I wouldn't do that.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  Really?

• 22:26Speaker 00

  What do you mean, reach your head back?

• 22:28Speaker 01

  No, no, before you close the door, like you're going into sort of like a, a ride at, you know.

• 22:32Speaker 00

  Oh, let me be clear. If, i- i- if, if there's someone else in the toilet, I'm not going into the cubicle.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  You don't go for a poo?

• 22:39Speaker 00

  Not if there's someone else, sir, no. You know this, I'm a hi- I'm a home shicer.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know you're a home shicer.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  So even if I was going to the toilet.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  Well, if you're in Luke Coombs and you need to poo, what are you doing?

• 22:49Speaker 00

  I'm not going.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  I've got worse, by the way, since I've been hanging out with you a lot.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  What does that mean?

• 22:52Speaker 01

  I used to poo anywhere. I was like a fucking horse.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  Now I'm like, literally, since I've, me and you have, and I've, you've talked to me about this home shi- Catherine's like, oh, if you need to toilet, just go. I'm like, no, I just wanted to go home. I'd used to be fine, just be really relaxed. Went for a poo at your house, I'd be fine. Now, if I was at your house, I'd go, well, I'd probably get a slip.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  Well, I, I, I don't know how this is bad news.

• 23:11Speaker 01

  No, but.

• 23:12Speaker 00

  You're no longer gonna shit at my house when you come around.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  No, but I'm just saying, that's gone from, and now I actually look at people who do it and go, oh, fucking, full credit to you, just relaxed.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  I don't wanna get too disgusting. One of the biggest, I, I just think, I just find it so hard to go for shit somewhere else. It would have to be an emergency situation.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Also, but I enjoy shitting so much. I genuinely, it's one of my favourite things to do.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  But I genuinely like, uh, you know, and I, I wanna enjoy that. I don't wanna be there with someone knocking on the door or fucking you hear some people chatting outside.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  Saying.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I do understand your home shi- the theory.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  If you're a gig, if you're at a gig, the toilets are busy the whole time.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  I, I mean, just.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Not Luke Coombs, people are out there, mate, watching him.

• 23:53Speaker 00

  Okay, but still.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  I just find it difficult.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  Can I just say, by the way?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Gig wise, if you're about to go on stage, where are you with using the green room toilet for a poo?

• 24:02Speaker 00

  The green room?

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  What do you mean? A toilet?

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no, no, no, it's, we're on a mixed bill. We're the store.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  No.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Where are you going? You, you're dying for a poo. Do you go in that green room or do you go into the?

• 24:12Speaker 00

  I would, I would wait till my set's over.

• 24:16Speaker 01

  You, you can't fucking go on stage needing a shit.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  I would, I would, I would make an excuse and go to like a toilet, a hotel nearby.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  Wow, that's pretty cool.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  It's not cool.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Agent.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  Do you pretend you're staying there? That's what I do. Oh, I love this place. Oh, hello, mate. I always have a little chat.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, the pro- the problem is, is if you're recognisable, it's a bit of an issue, cause then they sort of.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  Didn't know you were staying here, Mr. Rankin. I said, yeah, for three nights, thank you, Jeeves.

• 24:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm actually booked in for about, I reckon, eleven minutes.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  Have you ever had anyone talk to you like that, though?

• 24:53Speaker 00

  What?

• 24:54Speaker 01

  Well, I, so there's a toilet near my office that I do go to in a hotel.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  Show off.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  And I'll sneak, sneak in there, uh, and they got one of those dormant people on there. Uh, so I, I, I, I go past him, cause I'm like, if I go in the back and then out the front, he's not gonna, I sort of. So I went in and he went, oh, morning, sir. I said, hello, mate, you all right? Probably breakfast meeting. And he went, uh, oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, yeah, yeah, I'm running a bit late, so, uh, sprint to the toilet, do my business.

• 25:23Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  I then leave from the front thinking he's around the back. He's coming around the front for a chat at the dorm at the, the front. And he, and he just looked at me and went, very quick meeting, sir.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  I'm like, oh, no, he knows. He knows.

• 25:37Speaker 00

  Or he might just think you've got, he might be a complete idiot.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  But this is why I'd never make a good special agent or a James Bond. You know, Daniel, even Daniel Craig has Daniel Craig.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  I think there's other reasons.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, but Daniel Craig would sneak in and then out, even as Daniel Craig had hat down, he'd just go, oh, sorry, did you just see someone here? Like that, and then better to ghost out the front without even, even you're fucking sneaky. That's one of the things you've got, you're fucking great at. I can't imagine you'd be able to sneak in, sneak out, I reckon, without anyone noticing.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  I know, I find it hard. Um, right, uh, that's all we've got time for, Tom.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  Two emails, wow.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  Ben is, by the way, can I just say, Ben is so precise, he's just solely written on the screen we have in front of us, rap.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Rap.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  So, Romesh, without further ado.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Thank you for listening to the Wolf and the Al email special. See you next time. Please like and subscribe.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  Email to.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  [email protected].

• 26:35Speaker 01

  See you next time.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Bye.