Ross Kemp, Josh Widdicombe & The Celebrity Purge

Should Tom and Romesh get each other tattooed on their backsides? This week on Wolf & Owl, Tom and Romesh tackle Tom's tattoo addiction and ask the important question all friendships ultimately arrive at, shall we tattoo each other on our arses? Plus another question arises, what would they actually do if The Purge became reality? From debating guns and home invasions to an unexpected role play of Ross Kemp and Josh Widdicombe that absolutely nobody could have expected. Not to forget, a classic tale from Tom to top it off. Don't miss it. A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Chapters 00:00 Intro 03:43 On guns 10:36 Home invasions 12:11 The Purge question 16:20 Tom’s beef with Ross Kemp’s rage 18:07 A Josh Widdicombe, Ross Kemp roleplay 24:05 What would Rom do during The Purge? 26:55 The boys's addictions 28:05 Tattoo chat 40:25 Tom's story 43:00 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Okay, let's, let's go.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  Okay, let's do it.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Go. One in the clip.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  You're recording that? Oh god.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome to the Wolf and Al Podcast. Tom Davis.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  I was just.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  You just said, "One in the clip."

• 0:39Speaker 00

  That might be the most cringey thing I've ever done.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  I don't think it is, but it is pretty cringey, yeah. It's up there. I would say, I would say top fifteen.

• 0:46Speaker 00

  I think top five.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:48Speaker 00

  I feel sick.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  I've come into this feeling a little bit nauseous.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  With that feeling. I didn't before, I felt really, really like.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Buoyant, yeah. When you arrive, you're full of beans.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. That's, that's. I've never said that in my life either.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  "One in the clip." Do you even know what the?

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know what it means.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  As in like, it's a gun reference?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  So what about this made you think "one in the clip"? And, and like, even if you wanted to do a gun reference, how have we got "one in the clip"? We've got two in the clip, haven't we?

• 1:18Speaker 00

  I mean, this is the first bullet of, yeah, the podcast being fired, I guess. So this is the one in the, yeah.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Oh my god. I know that people like.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  That does feel like the sort of thing you'd do more than me.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Don't think so. I, I, I would love you to not drag me down with you on this. I, I, I think that, um, even the most ardent fan of this podcast.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Would not describe anything that we're doing as like, it's a bullet coming out of a gun.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Also, that would be "one in the chamber", right?

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think it's, it's.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  If you've got "one in the clip".

• 1:45Speaker 01

  I think this podcast dribbles out. If I, if I was to do an analogy.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  "One in the cliff" is just such a, oh god.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  I'd be, I'd be like, one sort of.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  I actually think I'm gonna have to get some kind of, I don't know where that came from, like.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  I think it came from like, I guess a hip hop record you'd be listening to, but.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  I was listening to Bruce Springsteen though. He never says "one in the clip".

• 2:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  No. Famously, that's one, that's one of the things that people love about him is he never says "one in the clip".

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Oh man, that's, do you know, that's almost, I don't know if that's like a form of Tourette's that's happened there. But I've never said that in my life.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Not even like it's an acting role where I've gone, "one in the clip".

• 2:28Speaker 01

  Well, now that you've done that, I can see why it's not come up in your work. But, um.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Wouldn't it be great to get a role where you got to say something cool like that?

• 2:35Speaker 01

  No, I don't, I don't think it would, because I think people don't realise, or I said, sorry, I shouldn't be speaking for everybody. I don't realise how to, when you're watching a film.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  And it's sort of, uh, high concept.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Or there's like a sci-fi element or anything like that, or, or anything that's really removed from reality. The ability to deliver dialogue that in real life wouldn't make any sense. Like, you know, he's outside Gamma Sector Seven. And his, and his, and his laser cannon is charged up or whatever. You've got to say that with some fucking gravitas.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  The, the second half of that line is terrible.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Well, I'm not on fucking.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  He's outside, what was it?

• 3:09Speaker 01

  He's outside Gamma Sector Seven or something.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  He's outside Gamma Sector Seven. His laser charger is fully charged up.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, sorry, I couldn't off the cuff write a fucking sci-fi film to your satisfaction. By the way, I, I think I'm pretty much strapped on a bulletproof vest after you've said "one in the clip".

• 3:28Speaker 01

  I can say whatever I want at this stage. I'm fucking made.

• 3:33Speaker 00

  Oh man, that's made me feel.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  I nearly said "made in the shade" and I thought that would undermine my whole fucking position.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  "One in the clip" is the sort of thing Statham could say without, he could say.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't really understand guns.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Have you ever held a gun?

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  I was doing, oh god, by the way, the way you said "yeah, yeah, yeah" was horrific.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Have you ever held a gun? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, welcome to the brother.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course, yeah. You've got, you've got to defend your property, haven't you? Um, no, I went out, I, I did Asian Provocateur Series Two, which, um, by the standards of the first series was what we could describe as a flop.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  But anyway, I went out to America and I shot some guns with some like guys that were super into it.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you've got a gun, you have to be into it. There's no half measures.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, it's.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  I don't think there's anyone who's just got a gun.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  No, but it's slightly, no, some people do. Some people are not into gun, in America, I would say. Some people are just like, keep one somewhere in case we get a home invasion or something like that. But these guys were into it.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  So like, like, in the morning we did guns, in the, in the afternoon we did monster trucks, to give you an insight into these guys.

• 4:45Speaker 00

  That's a lot of manly stuff.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  They had AR-15s.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Fuck, yeah.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  And then they had, one of the kids, they had like a little kid as well who's using a catapult and a bow and arrow, I think, I can't remember. Anyway.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Like Huckleberry.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  When you hold a gun and fire it, undoubtedly, it, it is actually fun.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  That, that's, I think that's part of the issue.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  You know?

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  I mean, that's part of the problem.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you, you can feel quite, yeah.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. And, and then you know.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  And you feel powerful, right?

• 5:14Speaker 01

  I, I cannot, I, I can't believe, I mean, I can believe, but I can't believe that Americans, you know, the NRA and all of that, that they think the solution to stopping people who've got guns is more guns. You know, like when you hear about a shooting and they go, "if only the teachers were armed", that would have brought that to a swift end.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  I was in Bulgaria.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  It's insane.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Um, couple of years ago filming and, uh, in the hotel we stayed in, there was a lot of sort of quite important Russian guys there and.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Aren't they all?

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Everyone had, a lot of them were just walking around, shoulder holsters, guns, you know?

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Um, and then there were signs in this hotel, in the lobby, "no guns".

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Uh, and one day I was sort of having lunch, I was looking around at all these guys with guns. I went up to the sort of go out reception and said, "There's a lot of signs up saying, 'no guns', but everyone here has guns."

• 6:07Speaker 01

  I, I don't know how, I don't know how keen I'd be to be a snitch on the guys with guns.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  Well, the guy, the guy turned around to me and said, "The trouble with people with guns, it's very hard to get them to take away the guns if you don't have a gun."

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  So, yeah.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  I mean, a guy that's carrying around a gun is not thinking, "Oh bloody hell, there's a sign there."

• 6:30Speaker 01

  I don't want to get into trouble. Somebody might give me a stern word.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, but why have the signs up then?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Because, because.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  It's a, yeah, but.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Because otherwise then somebody like, then they think guns are allowed.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  They, they got, there was a couple of these guys who really took a dislike to me. Not because of the snitching. Um, I was in the gym one day and they came in and threw my towel on the floor. Um, and then every machine that I go to, they'd sort of follow me around and sort of like be sort of staring and sort of.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  So were they bullying you?

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Um, and then sort of I'd see them around the hotel and they'd sort of be laughing and pointing at me and stuff. They were just sort of fucking.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  I think they might have known you were a snitch.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  No, I don't think they, they'd have taken me out to the desert if they'd known I was a snitch. They were fucking terrifying.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  You know, when you look at people and you're like, "Oh man, you guys", I don't, yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  It doesn't happen to me, but I could imagine, yeah.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, I mean, you're tougher than I am. You, you've got that sort of, you know, you'd have stood up to them.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Can't think of the last time I looked at somebody and thought, "I'm scared of you."

• 7:24Speaker 00

  I was terrified of these guys. They threw my towel on the floor.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  By the way, that was a joke. I don't want anybody.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  No, I wanted to carry it on. I didn't, they'd throw my towel on the floor. I did it like three or four times and I just would pick it up and to sort of like move off to another machine. And I could see them just staring and I was like.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  They're waiting for you to react, I guess.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Did they have guns in the gym?

• 7:44Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't find the sign, I don't find, because we had this in some place we went to in America, where they've got no guns.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  There's like a sign saying, "no guns". I find that the opposite of reassuring.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, because, yeah.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean? Because if, if you've got a sign that says "no guns" and nobody's obeying it, just take the sign down.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I mean about the hotel.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  It was like, yeah, a free-for-all with guns.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  And some big guns as well. There's little guns, big guns, all sorts of guns.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Medium-sized guns.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Uh, not really medium-sized.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  A medium-sized gun, actually, I think is the one that you only pull out, pull out a medium-sized gun if you're gonna shoot it. A big gun you can put, put over your shoulder.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  If.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Little gun.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. If you lived in America, could you see yourself becoming a gun owner?

• 8:26Speaker 00

  Do you think I have that way about me?

• 8:27Speaker 01

  It's difficult to know really, because I, I feel like in principle you're anti-gun.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  But, um, if you're in a situation where everybody's got guns, what do you do?

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Well, I'm, I'm also, yeah, I'm one of those people that sort of, I like to fit in with people.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I mean. You're not, you're not.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm, I'm.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Weak-willed.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think like you would be able to go, "You know what? I'm fucking opposed to guns. Thank you, dairy." And then like, I'd be like, "Oh no, actually I was quite opposed to it, but I brought guns."

• 8:56Speaker 01

  And then what you do is you turn up at the bar with like the biggest gun you could find. You go, "Look at what I've got, boys. I fucking love these."

• 9:04Speaker 00

  In the back of my trousers.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  You just went out the back and shot a dog actually, just for shits and giggles.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Oh, not my dog. Not Lucy.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I'd imagine you'd be like.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I, I'd love to sort of like go, "That wouldn't be me."

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Because, because the thing like.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  I don't think I'd have the weather rules to, when you move to America.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Because, because one of the things is, I often think this, it, it's like, the reason that we think guns are so appalling is because we don't have them, right? But in a, and I know that sounds slightly obvious, but what I mean is, you don't know what your sensibilities would be if guns were allowed, right? Like, you don't, yeah, if you've been brought up with them, like, I think the idea that all of us would be opposed to them is a fallacy, actually. Because I, I think a lot of the time, what you think is okay and what you think is all right is actually determined by what society, what.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Do you have anything by the bed if someone breaks in?

• 9:57Speaker 01

  No. Should I? I mean, I don't, why have I said this on the podcast? Yeah, I've got a massive fucking gun and a, and a fucking, and Reggie will fucking loves the taste of cock.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  But it doesn't, I don't think he'll suck it, I mean, he'll bite it off, he'll bite it off.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Well, when you broke into Ramesh Ranganath's house.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  His dog sucked me off.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  I broke, I, I broke into Ramesh's house the other day. What'd you take? Nothing. I just wanted to see Reggie.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  Cutlass broke in. Yeah, yeah, we had a threesome, whatever, it was good.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  He's got a nice cocksucking dog.

• 10:35Speaker 02

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• 11:00Speaker 00

  That's my favourite story, the Duncan Ferguson one, when the guy's breaking into his house.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  And he was naked and he chased him down the road. He's fearsome Duncan Ferguson.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, I do think I should be like a bit more equipped for that situation.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, who would get out of bed if you felt someone breaking in?

• 11:16Speaker 01

  I'd send Lisa down to have a look first. Of course not.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Theo probably not. Theo's stacked.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  I think Theo's, I think Theo's probably the best one to.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  He's the alpha in the house now.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, yeah, he has been since.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  You sent a picture of you.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  How old is he now, 16?

• 11:28Speaker 00

  You sent a picture of you.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Probably about 11, 12, I'd say Theo started to get the silver hairs on his back.

• 11:33Speaker 00

  You sent a picture of you and Theo the other day. And Theo looks so fucking hench. He's a really good looking boy as well. He's so handsome. You've like busted out a 10. Like he's.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  First of all, what a horrible way to phrase it.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  You busted out a 10? Like you're, oh mate, your balls have squirted out a 10.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  No, I mean, you and Lisa between you.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Well, I think Lisa deserves more credit than I do genetics wise.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Really?

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:03Speaker 00

  I can see you in him though. I can't, no, he has got, yeah. He's got your vulnerability, which is nice.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. Thanks, that's really sweet.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  No, he's hench though, he looks fucking good.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Well, you know, it's part of his.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  He's a really good looking boy and a sweet boy as well. He's got a good heart, which is not often the case.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  No, not with the children that we've brought up, no, the other two, horrible little vermin. No, they're all nice, we're very lucky.

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  But do you ever think about what you'd think would be okay if, like, what, what, what laws would you still abide by? Even if they weren't, if it wasn't illegal, I guess is what I'm getting at.

• 12:41Speaker 00

  If someone broke into your house?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Well, like, just in general, like, what I mean is, like, we think murder's wrong.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  Because it's illegal, right?

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  But imagine if it wasn't, like, and somebody, and somebody really fucked you off.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Well, you just go and kill him people.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe, I don't know.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  That would be an insane thing to do.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  It would keep numbers down.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Just go around killing people.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:05Speaker 00

  But that's, then all, if you allow murder, if you could just steals, I could literally go, I like your trousers and just rip them off you.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you, like, the fact of the matter is, if it wasn't illegal, if you wanted these trousers, they're yours, I'm not going to stop you.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'd have to walk around with your pants all day.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, or you'd probably go buy them.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Or I'd just walk up the road, like, oh, Rom said his trousers nicked again. Everyone round here would start to know, oh fucking hell, Tom liked his trousers again today.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  But you know what, that would become the thing, wouldn't it? Well, we'd live in a society where.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  It'd be like The Purge all the time.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  I've never watched that film.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, it's a difficult premise to get on board with. They decide that for one night, everything's legal.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  Is that what it is?

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Apparently that's, the premise of the film is that everything's legal for one night because it gets it out of your system.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  So one night a year or one night ever?

• 13:52Speaker 01

  One night a year, I believe.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  And what, is that like it happens like globally?

• 13:58Speaker 01

  No, I think it's just, I think it might just be an American thing.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Okay. What would be the first thing you'd do in that situation?

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, that is a great question. What would I do? I don't think I'd do anything.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  I'd fucking lock the doors.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, obviously, if you're talking about that, I thought you meant like, what crime would I like to commit?

• 14:15Speaker 00

  Would you not run out and like sort of steal a couple of pairs of trainers that you really like or?

• 14:19Speaker 01

  No.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  Steal a car that you like?

• 14:20Speaker 01

  No.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  You want, yeah, but you can't.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Wouldn't I go out and steal a car that I really liked?

• 14:24Speaker 00

  No, it's The Purge, right? So you're telling me, right, The Purge happens, right? You know, you're sort of bowling, you know, swaggering to fucking Radio 2 on the Saturday. It's happened on the Friday.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Beckett's in there and with Vernon Kay and her, and the chat, Josh Whittaker.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  It's welcome to, it's Ramesh Ranganathan with you here on BBC Radio 2. Hope you had a great night. I killed three people.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  No, no, but you've done nothing, right? So Vernon Kay, who talks, I love Vernon, Vernon talks like he's interviewing people all the time. Even if you have a normal conversation with Vernon.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  You feel like he's an interview boy.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Do you?

• 15:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love Vernon, but Vernon will turn around and go, hello, it's Tom Davies, how are you doing, Tom? You're a West Ham fan, West Ham have done well this year. It's like, it's like he talks to you like, yeah, like, you're like fairgrounds, Tom, do you like?

• 15:15Speaker 01

  I mean, he makes you right, doesn't he?

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. He talks like he's interviewing you, like in a conversation.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  I haven't noticed that, but yeah.

• 15:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. Or maybe that's just how he talks to me, but.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Maybe it's gonna be tough work this. Have you spoken to Tom? Fire a lot of questions at him. Fire a shit ton of questions. And actually, before he starts answering, get the next one out.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  So Vernon Kay's there, Rob Beckett, Josh Whittaker, right?

• 15:39Speaker 01

  I don't know what you think happens at Radio 2, these people are not all there waiting for me.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  Josh is having a couple of cigarettes because he's like, he's been on a, he's got.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  We shouldn't say this before he's about to go into Strictly, but heavy, heavy smoke.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, mate.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  And he like, and he doesn't mind buying a zoot or two either, does he?

• 15:54Speaker 00

  Josh has got really into The Purge, right?

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  So he's killed Ross Kemp.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Why has he killed Ross Kemp?

• 16:02Speaker 00

  Probably on my orders, but he's, he lived closer into him than I did. So he's all like, fucking, he's got bloodlust, he can't wait for the next one.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  When I think about Josh Whittaker killing Ross Kemp, I imagine like Josh being like sort of snafed sized and he's had to climb him.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  Or he's just poisoned the cheese sandwich that Ross has eaten.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's more likely.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  So Ross, Ross is in his house, probably got a shotgun, you know, probably watching an old couple of.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  So Josh is breaking into Kemp.

• 16:29Speaker 00

  So but Kemp, obviously it's The Purge, so Kemp's.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  He's defending himself.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, but also he's winding himself up watching some England games.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  I say, Ross, just stop with that.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  No, no, this is.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  Can I just say like, I genuinely worry about the fact that he sits on his own, watching the games, just getting so wound up.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Don't you ever sit on your own and watch the game?

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do, but I don't fucking post when I get so angry or so happy. I'm like, Ross, just like, I genuinely, I've made my, I'm not the biggest, I don't know Ross Kemp.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  No.

• 17:01Speaker 00

  But there's a part of me that wants to go, look mate, if you really want, I'm more than happy to come round and watch the games with you. If it means that you do, you know.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  It feels like a weird way to solve your.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, because then I could sit with him and when he's about to do it, go, hey, hey, just relax. Let's just enjoy the moment, rather than like, you know, sort of spitting down the camera and it's so, you know.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  But, but I mean, you're not completely guilt free of posting stuff during the games, are you?

• 17:25Speaker 00

  No, no, but I don't.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  Often there'll be a photo of you like this.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Better luck next time, boys.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  You know, that's in your canon, isn't it?

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is in my canon, but I don't, also, but can I say?

• 17:36Speaker 01

  You often load that one in the clip, don't you?

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, can I also? Ah, you prick. Can I say by the way, all year, I'm posting about football.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're locked and loaded, aren't you?

• 17:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not like, it's not like every fucking two years I come jumping out of a fucking.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  No, I get it, you're a football fan.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  Jack in a box. He's like, yeah, and the way he talks about it isn't like how you talk about fucking football. He talks about it in a very weird regimented way. I'm just saying that he comes out, it's great, you know, I get you, everyone's into it. But I'm like, the level of like fucking veins popping out of his, you know, it's not good for a bloke of our age. I mean, he's older than us, how old are you, like 52?

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Maybe older than that.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Really?

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  He's in good nick.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, anyway, let's go to this, right? So Ross is pacing, he's heard that someone's going to come and kill him, right? Okay. How's Josh get into his house?

• 18:22Speaker 01

  Uh, sneaks in, breaks in through a window.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Or, but Ross Kemp's left the back door open.

• 18:28Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, Ross Kemp's not, maybe he crawls through the cat flap.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  Okay, fine. Oh, oh, oh, bloody hell.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  Who are you? What do you want?

• 18:36Speaker 01

  You know very well who I am.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Is that you, Josh Whittaker?

• 18:39Speaker 01

  Yes, that is.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  You will never kill me! I will not die!

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, I will, as you well know, Ross, it's the night of the purge and I am going to fucking, I'm going to fucking purge the life out of you.

• 18:51Speaker 00

  I'll fucking make love to you before you kill me.

• 18:53Speaker 01

  Well, I actually don't mind that as an extra option.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  You will never kill me, I'm Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp, the third Ross Kemp of my name, of my family. My father was Ross Kemp, my grandfather was Ross Kemp.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  I've got to be honest with you, I'm not convinced you are Ross Kemp based on how you're talking.

• 19:10Speaker 00

  This is how I talk in real life. I'm Ross Kemp, third of my name.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Yes, I get it.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  You will have.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  Yes, I had a.

• 19:19Speaker 00

  I hope you had a big dinner and a big lunch. You'll need it to kill me, Ross Kemp, third of my name.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yes, you be very clear of the, I don't, I've not come here to get your ID. I'm going to gut you, Ross Kemp, and then I'm going to sleep inside you like a Ton Ton.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  What?

• 19:35Speaker 01

  Star Wars.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  You nerd, I'm gonna kill you first. I hope you like death, you're about to eat it.

• 19:44Speaker 01

  You know, you're supposed to yes and me.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  It's really fucking difficult to work with you.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, but Ross Kemp, I've never seen him have a conversation.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Everything I'm saying, you're going, I am Ross Kemp, third of the fucking Kemp's or whatever. What am I supposed to do with that? And then I'm trying to fucking move it on. And you just keep going, I will, I will kill you.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  I am Ross Kemp of the Kemp's. You just keep saying that same fucking line over and over again.

• 20:11Speaker 00

  This is my interpretation.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  That's not what Ross Kemp's like.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, but this is my interpretation of him. I don't know him as well as you do, you know? This is what I think.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Okay, fine.

• 20:19Speaker 00

  Okay, well, I'll give you a bit more.

• 20:21Speaker 01

  All right. Ross Kemp, you had a lot of trouble now.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  What kind of trouble do you bring to my door?

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Well, I've got a big old knife here, I'm gonna use it to gut you from, from tongue to taint.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  You better know how to use a knife.

• 20:33Speaker 01

  I do, I do.

• 20:34Speaker 00

  Have you ever killed a man before?

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Well, I took out Gordon Ramsay at the last purge.

• 20:41Speaker 00

  Did you kill Tess Daly?

• 20:43Speaker 01

  No, that was natural causes, I believe.

• 20:46Speaker 00

  I killed Lesley Grantham in his bath.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Oh, good riddance to him, I'd say. But let me tell you something now, Ross, you're gonna fucking get it from me.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  Well, if you kill me, you tell everyone that I died with bravery in my heart.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  I don't think, I don't think I'll bother doing that, I'm just gonna.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  Tell Ramesh that I will visit him in death.

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Uh, is that, is that sort of a ghost scenario?

• 21:12Speaker 00

  Yes, as a ghost, I shall bring fear upon the Ranganathan.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Why? I mean, listen, I'm not against it, but what?

• 21:21Speaker 00

  Take your clothes off and let's fight to the death.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Um, I actually was, I was planning on staying fully clothed during this.

• 21:28Speaker 00

  No, I'm taking my jeans off now.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  Oh my God, put your fucking jeans back on.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  And my underpants.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Oh bloody hell, well done, Ross.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Would you like a game of tummy sticks before we fight?

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's sure. I quite fancy it. Why are you getting your phone out, Ross?

• 21:46Speaker 00

  To do this video. Ah, I am Ross Kemp, I am about to fight Josh Whittaker naked to the death!

• 21:56Speaker 01

  Hello, it's Joshua, here's a video of my day.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  Sorry listeners, by the way.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Oh bloody hell, I mean Ross Kemp's living room, I'm trying to kill him. Fucking purge. It's making it very difficult. It's just a game of tummy sticks. Unbelievable.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  Take your clothes off, boy.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  I've got to go, I've got to take my clothes off.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  Um, so right, that happens, he kills Ross Kemp somehow, right?

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Well, well now we've set up the scenario, I don't see a situation where Josh Whittaker walks away from that.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  Mate.

• 22:26Speaker 01

  I, I, I think he'd, i- i- if Ross Kemp's awake, it's over.

• 22:30Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  You've got to kill him in his sleep.

• 22:31Speaker 00

  If he gets really into the game of.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Tummy sticks.

• 22:34Speaker 00

  Right? He then, Josh can just reach for the knife.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  How do you envisage tummy sticks going?

• 22:40Speaker 00

  Well, Ross is just really into it and Josh is playing the long game, right?

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, but what is, I, I, I know what tummy sticks is, how does the game go? What are the rules?

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Well, I just think you hold each other.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  And, and it's, yeah, like it's just a nice sort of thing.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  Do they just touch?

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, no, you touch each other's tummies.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  With your tummy stick?

• 23:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, with your tummy stick, yeah.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  You touch each other's tummies with your tummy stick?

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, so you pull your tummy, your stick up.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  So they're both touching your tummies and then you embrace, right?

• 23:11Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 23:12Speaker 00

  So you hold, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like we did at New Year's?

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, like we did at New Year's, yeah. And then it's just the first person who wants to let go, and Josh holds him. Yeah. Josh wouldn't be on his, you know, Josh would be sort of being hurled up, I guess, by Ross.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, because their tummy sticks are not going to meet, are they?

• 23:28Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  I mean, it's more chin sticks.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  Oh, I've, I've, your tummy sticks against my Adam's apple.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  Um, anyway, and then Josh gets the fucking drop on him.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Out of nowhere.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, or maybe.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  Falls out of his arms.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  And then. Knife in the gooch.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  Yeah. Boom, down goes Kemp.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then he just, in the, in the neck.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, so he comes in, he's got a fag, he's telling everyone he's seen it.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, so, so, so I did about, about three hours of tummy sticks in there.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  And Beckett's loving it.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  I was exhausted.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  Beckett's basically set fire to a load of different stuff.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 00

  You know what I mean? Just driving around fucking wherever he lives with like petrol bombs.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Um, Vernon Kay, uh, has just gone out, like, and just, you know, shot up loads of stuff.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  With a shotgun. Um, old school shotgun.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 00

  That he borrowed off a farmer. Um, and then you come in and you're telling me it's the purge, right? Those three are all showing off, bragging. Yeah, and you come in, oh yeah, what did you do? And you're, oh, I just stayed in.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  I didn't do nothing, just stayed in on my jacks.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  I think that is what I would do.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  You'd love cars, you wouldn't just go to a really cool car showroom and just take your car for a spin and then bring it back?

• 24:46Speaker 01

  No.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  You, what, you'd just sit in?

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Well, I think I would.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Probably playing Grand Theft Auto, knowing you.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  I'd sit in scared.

• 24:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, you would be, because obviously if people come to your house, you've got no.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  You've got nowhere to defend yourself.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  No.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  Because Theo and Char- Charlie and Alex would be fucking out.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, Theo would be fucking, they'd be pillaging the local town.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  And I imagine Lisa would be up to no good.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. She'd be up to all sorts.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Get the old balaclava on again, because you wouldn't need it on purge night, would you?

• 25:14Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Although I do think like, if it was, if it was the purge, you still have to protect your identity.

• 25:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, because the next day it's a fucking awkward situation if you're in Tesco's.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  Like, imagine.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  And someone goes, oh, by the way, thanks for shitting through my letterbox.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly, yeah. Like, or you, you, you know, that in the weeks before, you go around your mates' houses and seeing what sort of stuff you'd like.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is there like, with the purge, I haven't seen the film, is there a thing where you know it's coming, it's on the same day?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's on the same night, yeah. I thought, I, I mean, what's really important about the purge is that everybody thinks it's on the same night.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, no, but it's not like something where you get an email and go, oh, by the way, the purge is next Tuesday, it's like the same.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  No, I think, I think the purge is the same.

• 25:49Speaker 00

  Okay. When is it? When would it be? In the year?

• 25:52Speaker 01

  What, um.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  In the, in the film?

• 25:54Speaker 01

  Well, let's have a look.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  I don't know if they specify the day, but I think you probably want it to be in the winter months, wouldn't you? Just to sort of, because some people might go, do you know it's a bit nippy out? I'm not going to bother.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Seven P M on March twenty first to seven A M on March twenty second.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  How many people are getting up at seven A M to get stuck into the purging?

• 26:11Speaker 01

  They're not, it's seven P M, it starts, it finishes at seven A M.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, okay. I mean, imagine if you, you slept through.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, you get six A M.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Oh bloody hell, it's six forty five, I've got to kill fucking Ross Kemp.

• 26:25Speaker 00

  Ross Kemp thinks he's made it through the night.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. It'd be horrible to get done at six fifty nine, wouldn't it?

• 26:29Speaker 00

  It would be, yeah. Yeah, although.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  And then what happens if like, if Josh and Ross?

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  Are like really going for it and it goes all the way through the night?

• 26:38Speaker 00

  Fighting.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  What happens if it makes it till seven and then Josh goes, oh, well, bloody hell.

• 26:43Speaker 00

  I'll see you next year.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  Whittaker.

• 26:46Speaker 03

  Almost got you. See you next year, Ross.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  It'd be nice then as well that they sort of like spark up a friendship.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Or they might start, you might go, you know, while you're here.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Another game of tummy sticks, Whittaker.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  You're doing me so well.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  Um, yeah.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  It's, yeah, it's just taking a weird turn.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  It has a weird, taken a really weird turn.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  I had no idea this would be.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Uh, actually, well, it all started, the inception of this, the origin story, was you saying one in the clip.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know, yeah, and we've gone on a free for all.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Around purging and, yeah.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  Can we talk about your tattoo addiction?

• 27:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  I'd really love to chat about it.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, it's real, it's become.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  You, uh, have an addictive personality?

• 27:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  That's a fair thing to say, isn't it?

• 27:29Speaker 00

  Awful, awful.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Not awful, but you have.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, but, yeah, no, very addictive.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  You really get into stuff?

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, if I, if I've, I can't do anything halfway.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  No. I mean, I told, I told you about, I don't know if we've talked about this before, but fruit and fibre.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I love fruit and fibre.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  No, but I mean, my addiction to it.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're addicted.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  I, I, no, I'm not addicted now, although I do eat it now.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  It's, by the way.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  Which, which, yes, I wasn't addicted.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Every man of our age should be eating it.

• 27:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. I did develop an addiction to it for a while, it was all I ate for a few days, for a while.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  What do you mean? You didn't eat any other food?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  No, not really.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  What about protein?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Wasn't getting it.

• 27:59Speaker 00

  No protein in it?

• 28:00Speaker 01

  No, no, just eating fruit and fibre.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Was that when you dropped all the weight?

• 28:03Speaker 01

  When I started doing comic, no, when I started doing stand up, I was eating just fruit and fibre.

• 28:08Speaker 03

  Have all the cereals to eat, that's.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  I know, it was really bad.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  It's great in a sense, but you'd be like ninety percent fibre.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I, I was pooing, I would say.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  Hol- wholesome, thick poos or scatter guns?

• 28:21Speaker 01

  A bit, a bit of both.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, so anyway, anyway, so forget all that.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Tattoos.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:27Speaker 01

  Talk me through your, uh, what's happened.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  I've wanted to get a few for a while, I've talked to you about it, it's my, almost my, my Mr. Miyagi, my mentor of tattoos. Right? And every, I, I work with you, I look at your sleeves, I'm like, they look sick.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  I'm not going to lie. Um, and then I just got, I, I started like with a couple. Then I had some more empty space on that arm, so I thought I'd just get that, that, some other bits.

• 28:50Speaker 01

  So were you initially hoping to just get a couple? Was that your?

• 28:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, at first, no, I just thought, you know, I'm going to get, just get a couple, couple put on.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  And then it's now, I think I've, I'm going to, I don't know how many I've done now. Uh, quite a few.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you're, you're getting them done, so even though I've got, well, currently I've got more tattoos than you, but I think that's, I probably, I'm two weeks away from you overtaking me.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  No, no, no, I'm not getting any more done for holiday then.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  I have quite a few, I have quite a gap between getting them. Whereas what you're doing is, you're sort of going out during your lunch break, aren't you, and getting another one?

• 29:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Just for shits and giggles.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:26Speaker 01

  So what is your long term strategy here?

• 29:28Speaker 00

  This is like most things in my life, there's not a long term strategy.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 29:31Speaker 00

  No, no, I, I, no, I, I jest. They, they say, I, if I'm honest with you, I, I, I looked at, I was like, actually, I kind of think they look quite sick actually, once you get them. And then you just start thinking about more and more, and then I think, then you do look at empty space where you've had one and you, I think if you've got just one, like in this arm, I now look at it against that arm and I'm like, oh, I should get a few more.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they don't have to match.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  No, but then I'd look, no, but I do then just look at different things and go, I might get that done and that done. And I think, I think they're, they're nice reminders of things.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh, look, look, you're talking, you're preaching to the converted here, I love a tattoo.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 01

  But, but, and, and it is an addictive thing where like, as soon as you see a blank space, you think, I need to get that filled in. Um.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Like Catherine.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  What I want to know, what I want to know is, how far does this go? Am I going to be talking to you in six months' time?

• 30:19Speaker 00

  With a face tattoo?

• 30:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:20Speaker 00

  No. Not a face tattoo, but everything.

• 30:22Speaker 01

  But could everything else be?

• 30:25Speaker 00

  And if, you know what, I, I.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Like, could, would you, would you get all of this done?

• 30:29Speaker 00

  But just because I look at the painting over of me, like, when you're filming and.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, they'd have to get a roller, wouldn't they?

• 30:36Speaker 00

  Yeah. Whereas most of them I can have, like a.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Wear a t-shirt and under, so, but I'll probably get more on the body, upper legs.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  Couple on my calves.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  And then that would be like, that, that means, when you're on holiday, once you've got that done, you start to get excited to take your top off then, wouldn't you?

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Because you're unleashing some artwork.

• 30:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I, there was a guy by the pool last year who had some lovely artwork.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 30:58Speaker 00

  And also now, it's a weird thing, once you get into it, you start looking at other people's tattoos and thinking, that's a really nice bit of, bit of work that.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  Like, you've got some b- bangers.

• 31:06Speaker 01

  Thanks. Do you ever, would you ever comment to a stranger about their tattoo?

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, I did that before I got tattoos.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  So what would you do?

• 31:13Speaker 00

  Nice ink.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Please tell me you didn't say that.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, well, how was she, nice tattoo.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that's true, actually, do you know what? I've been horrible there.

• 31:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  I've been horrible there.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  And, and now I think, but before I think you was almost.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  I think.

• 31:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think like, before it meant, this, this was my mate Tommy said, it was my, he's really, my mate Tommy's really, really against tattoos.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  Why?

• 31:35Speaker 00

  He just doesn't like, so, we went out the other day, played a bit of golf and I'd obviously got, he's like, oh fucking hell, where do you get all these tattoos all of a sudden?

• 31:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:44Speaker 00

  And I was like, oh, and he, he was like, I don't like them, I don't like tattoos, he said, they look good, but I don't, he said, I just think that they're a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling, so to.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  But, I mean, that's, I mean.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  That's what, that's what that says on my arm, and then I sent a picture of it and he went, why have you got that? That says this is a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Is that what it's got?

• 32:02Speaker 00

  That's what it says, yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  This is a permanent reminder of temporary feeling. That's hilarious.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  But that is, but then Catherine's had a word with me, so.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  In what way? What did she say?

• 32:12Speaker 00

  No, she's like, look, I'm all for you to get tattoos. She was, well, I was talking about it, genuine as well. Like, I was looking at yours and we spent a lot of time together and I was like, they look sick. I think that they're, I think they're a good way of like sometimes getting a feeling out or whatever. And, you know. Anyway, um, and she's like, look, I think, you know, they look good on you. You enjoy getting them, you know. And then we were watching a World Cup and the game, uh, you know, a moment, Bellingham and Kane are standing together. It was a goal, Bellingham had scored, uh, the second goal against, uh, Norway. And there's a moment where they're both standing with their arms up and I went, I'm gonna get that tattooed. And she went, no, you can't. And then I got it designed. Someone designed the tattoo. And I'm, she, where, you can't get, that's, it's on you forever then.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Like, you know, what over time have you had enough Jude Bennett and all Harry Kane, you know, they're nice guys, but it's like, you, you, for what ends? And I was like, where are you gonna get it? And I was like, I'll probably get it here on my right rib cage. She was like, no. She can't get that. And I went to the.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Did she like put her foot down?

• 33:13Speaker 00

  She was like, you can't, I genuinely, no, one's in your hands, whatever, fine. Like other ones you've got, but you're not getting that. She's just like, it's really like, and I was like, but I love those two guys as footballers. And she went, yeah, but just like, just enjoy it. Just go and get a shirt with fucking Jude Bennett's name. Don't get him inked on your, your body. So, yeah, that was the one where she pulled her card up and she's like, you can't get that. And I won't know.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  My, one of my things that I don't get tattoos that frequently is every time, well, I tend to get like portraits. Or like detailed ones and like that, like say for example, that one there took so long.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Not, not, not too long, but it took a long time to get that level of detail in and it hurts a lot.

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Right? Like there and also like where, you know, where he's going all over there and stuff. It hurts. It actually puts me off going for a bit. I have to sort of recharge my ready to have this.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  The one on my leg hurt and then, but then I was like, and that one took probably the longest. That was like three and a half, four hours.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  That's a long time to happen. I mean, I, I know there're gonna be hardcore tattoo people that are gonna go, mate, I sat for twenty seven hours.

• 34:16Speaker 00

  Also like, and I like what you've got on the, my, mine as well, like that armor, it's just bits.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  That's what I like is express, like, it's just, I go, I genuinely, and it is, you make a joke, but I was like, I quite like the idea of getting a lion tattoo. And I had an afternoon and just text Alex, my mate, I was like, have you got anyone around to do a lion tattoo? And he was like, you were in last week. And I was like, yeah, I was gonna pop by. So it's got that one. Yeah. And, and if I think too much about it, I didn't do it for years. Whereas I think, fuck it, you know, just life short.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Just, just get it done.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Why not ruin it?

• 34:59Speaker 00

  Have you got any on your legs?

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, so I had a really awkward, not an awkward moment, but like this thing of like, most of the time, my friends, they just don't give a shit. I got an Autobot logo on my, the back of my calf, right? Cause I love Transformers.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. Is it a big one?

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Love Transformers, about that size.

• 35:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Autobot logo, right? Cause it's, I said, I wanted it. And then I was out with my mates once and, and, and this is like, that was one of the, quite an early one.

• 35:26Speaker 00

  Cause you're not a big short wearer.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  No, not really. So they said, I said, I just got a tattoo done. And they go, what did you get done? And I pulled up my leg and showed them sort of what thing. And one of my mates just went, why the fuck would you get that done?

• 35:39Speaker 00

  Really? I think it's cool.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  No, he didn't know what thing. Like he, like it, not only did he not think it was cool, he, um. It felt, I felt like it changed his opinion. Like he, he looked so, he almost got gutted that I'd got that tattoo. He's like, so what? You've got, so when you wear shorts, like on holiday, you're gonna have this like Autobot logo on your calf? And I said, yeah, but one day I was in the States, somebody else had an Autobot logo.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's the cool thing about them.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  We had an incredible moment.

• 36:10Speaker 00

  I've got the Nando's emblem on my arm because I met Catherine in Nando's.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:13Speaker 00

  I put the Nando's emblem.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's nice.

• 36:15Speaker 00

  You know, I think, I think those things, I think having an Autobot thing's cool.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Hmm. Me too. But, but.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  But also, yeah, I also know that, like I've, I've, there's been people who've gone, like Flo, Flo, Flo messaged me and she was like, how many tattoos are you, are you gonna have in like essentially two months?

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Hmm. How many have you got now? Have you counted?

• 36:35Speaker 00

  No, uh, one, two, three, four, five. And there's probably like, eight, nine, about seventeen.

• 36:46Speaker 01

  So you've got seventeen. How many did you have two months ago?

• 36:49Speaker 00

  One.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  One.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  So it's quite a rapid rate of.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Tattooing, isn't it?

• 36:56Speaker 00

  But do you know what? This is the thing about it. I, I designed loads before. I'd always been like, and I've like, had what I wanted in the back of my mind for a long time and just been probably too over put much of a pussy or just put like thought. And as soon as I got one, I knew Catherine knew, so as I had one, that would be it. I'd just go for it. And I'd be obsessed.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've never come, I mean, you're quite unique in that regard.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Popping out for a tattoo on your lunch break. I'm sure, I'm sure people do do that actually.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  But to go from nothing to.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  To, I mean, you're going at it full tilt.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  Like I think you're gonna end up like blacking out an arm or something like that.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  No, no, I never do that. I think you're in for the win. You go, once you get.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Would you ever do that thing where, have you seen that thing where they, they anesthetise you? Uh, and then they just work on you while you're unconscious?

• 37:44Speaker 00

  Like, that's a mad thing to, like, I mean, if they offered anyone that, you do, what's the most painful one you've had done?

• 37:50Speaker 01

  Uh, I think probably elbow. Elbow wasn't fun.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, knees and elbows may be really, really painful. And underarm. But the one I've, there's one here, there.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  Did that hurt?

• 38:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, just, which I didn't think it would.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  But then also like, I don't wanna be a pussy when I'm having it done.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  In what way?

• 38:08Speaker 00

  Like I try, if I'm, if I'm in pain, I just, just try.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  Well, that's helpful to the artist because they don't want you jiggling around.

• 38:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  But like, but.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  I take breaths and I just go to another place.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  But like, when, like whenever.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, but they're barbaric, that one.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's horrific. But when, when, when they're doing portraits, they'll have like gone over it so many times. You know, and Paul's pretty gentle, but then he'll, yeah, and then he'll go, right, we're almost done. That point between him saying we're almost done and the end feels three days.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  It feels insane. And like when he goes, I'm just gonna put a bit of white paint back in it.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  He's also a perfectionist, isn't he?

• 38:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he's just sitting there like.

• 38:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Is the prior one your favourite?

• 38:49Speaker 01

  I don't know. No, I don't know actually. But I think probably this biggie one I really like.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's nice.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  That didn't really hurt though, because it's on the outside. But anyway.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  He's doing my calf.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  He's doing your calf?

• 39:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm, I'm having them now, I'm thinking how long will that take to have, I want Billy Connolly and Bernie Mac down on my calf.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  Anyone else?

• 39:09Speaker 00

  I've got one of you already. We've got one of each other.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  No, but anyone like alongside like heroes of comedy, do you know what I mean?

• 39:14Speaker 00

  What, would you want me to get you again?

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so. You know what we should do? Okay, this is genuine suggestion. Do you know Paul and Carla work there? They've got each other on their asses.

• 39:25Speaker 00

  I was about to say, I would love to get you, like you just peering down like sort of the crack of my ass.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  I don't, that is, I do think that's the one one where Lacer and Cat would have something to say about it.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Or you, it would be fun just to get like you, like, so if my sleeve comes up, you on the back of my arm like going, what's going on here then?

• 39:47Speaker 00

  You know what we could do? We get a tattoo each that listeners design or people watching listen.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  Do you not think we need to give them a bit of a steer on that?

• 39:56Speaker 00

  Okay. Yeah. All right. You get, what, what part of your body could someone design one for you?

• 40:03Speaker 01

  Here.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Okay. Inner elbow.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. How about you?

• 40:08Speaker 00

  Uh, I'm gonna go thigh alongside the lion, somewhere like that.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  Okay. So they've got, that's a lot more drawing.

• 40:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Isn't it? That's quite a big area.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no. Something, yeah, I mean, it depends what it is.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  It's the size of the lion?

• 40:19Speaker 00

  No, not the size of the lion. So there's something here.

• 40:21Speaker 01

  Okay, fine. Next to the lion.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  All right, fine.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  Uh, wolfalpod at gmail dot com.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  Courtesy of John, uh, send them in, uh, just always head up your emails. Hey, John, this is a tattoo design for the guys. Um, John likes to fetishize over tattoo designs.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 40:41Speaker 04

  Um, I think I will put my mic up for that and say.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  That's not true.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  All right, Tom, can you take us up please?

• 40:51Speaker 00

  New flavours, new dawns.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 40:55Speaker 00

  New days.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Eric was a schoolboy who had never tried bacon fries before. Every day he had the same what's its, little Mark Phillips sat next to him and he had a variation of crisps. Every day Eric would look at Mark and be like, hmm, look at him with his variation of crisps. Why does he need to try them so much? Once you've found the first perfect thing and a cheese what's it, you don't need to look any further.

• 41:23Speaker 00

  But Phillips was something different, a renegade almost. Even if he thought he'd found his favourite crisp like the day he first had bacon fries, he the next day brought in skips. Up in the game always, but where would it end Phillips? Where would it end Mark? Years passed and years passed. And one day Eric sat on the tube, what's its in hand. It was his lunch break and he'd just been to get a fresh tattoo. And he sat at the tube, a warm leg pressed against his. He sniffed, what's that? McCoy's, salt and vinegar. He looked next to him, but it was Mark Phillips. Phillips laughed. Look at you, Eric. Eric from school. Still eating your cheesy what's its, huh?

• 42:06Speaker 00

  You never try any other crisps? And Eric said, no, no, no, no. I've always been with what's its. What about you? And he said, I've tried crisps all over the world. I tried Lay's potato crisps in Ireland, tortillas in Mexico. I've tried everything and I've been all over the world. And he left and Eric sat on the tube. An old lady with a glint in the eye stared at him and said, never tried any other crisps. On his walk home, he thought, maybe I should experience something different. And he pulled into a shop and he picked up a bag of Quavers, took two in his hand and thrust them into his mouth and spat them straight out. He didn't like the taste, but he tried something new.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  And as he walked back to his house, his small flat on the edge skirts, outskirts of London, he felt an immense pride. Because although he didn't like the taste, he tried something different. And sometimes that's all we've gotta do. Let's step out of the comfort zone, try something new.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  And feel that maybe, maybe a little bit of Mark Phillips in all of us can be unleashed.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Really nice. Really nice. Quite a long journey to what's quite a simple message really. But, uh, thank you so much. Thanks for listening to the Wolf for now. We will see you next time.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  Au revoir. Clip empty.