Jason Momoa, Bad Comebacks and A Very Awkward Transfer Bus

Is Tom the internet’s favourite erection suppressant? Your emails are in, and the boys are ready to help. Tom and Rom get honest about how to cope when a stranger’s cruel comment won’t leave your head, and why chasing the perfect comeback is a waste of energy. They also tackle a very inconvenient problem for one young listener, and Tom becomes an unlikely mental off-switch. Plus the big question: vampire, werewolf or merman? Send your questions and stories to [email protected] A Ranga Bee Production. Chapters: 00:00 Intro03:23 Tom on insults that stick06:57 Romesh and the top-off comment09:45 The Tour de France episode and the weight of TV13:07 School boners14:28 Romesh’s Canada story21:41 Sex on moving transport24:03 Vampire, werewolf or merman?26:11 The Jason Momoa and Aquaman debate26:42 Minecraft takes28:51 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Welcome to the email edition of The Wolf and the Owl.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yes, one of my favourite things, an email edition. Thank you, by the way. I think the emails have been insightful, beautiful and inquisitive.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  And he can say that as someone who's not seen any of them. [email protected] if you want to send anything in. You could be read out on this very podcast. That's exciting, isn't it? And please remember to like and subscribe. It helps us and you take this from strength to strength as we carry on this little journey called The Wolf and the Owl. Here's our first one.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  Do you want to read it?

• 0:46Speaker 00

  Am I becoming too... that was too presentery, wasn't it?

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I like presentery, yeah. It's quite sexy. I think there's a sexy... you are quite a sexy presenter. You are serious. When you put the presenter voice on, I become like...

• 1:00Speaker 00

  I got put into a story.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  That I got tagged in.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06Speaker 00

  And this is a couple of days ago and it was a woman who like put together loads of clips of me and the song was like, "I've seen a hundred men, but all I want is you."

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 1:16Speaker 00

  And then she's put, "I love you" and I showed it to Lisa.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Why did you show it to her?

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Because I thought it'd be funny. Anyway, she didn't find it funny. Okay.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  What was the woman like? What's her story?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  I don't know. I didn't look. That was a story.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  No, no, but...

• 1:29Speaker 00

  Instagram story.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but did she not send you anything else?

• 1:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Wow, that's a big opener.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Well, she just tagged me in a story that she pasted on her thing.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you don't make like a video collage of someone and then just go... you don't say like, "Hey, how are you doing? I'm a big fan" or "Hey, love you."

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Wow, I don't think so.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Fucking have some bullshit confidence.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  I don't think this is for the edit, is it? Okay, here's our first one.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  I think it should definitely be.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  "Dear Wolf and Owl, you spoke on the last episode about not feeling confident to say things to people and making you feel uncomfortable in some way. What if they're downright rude? Yesterday on the way home, I stepped out stupidly in front of a cyclist on a pedestrian and cyclist-only lane. A dick move, but I apologised straight away and loudly and it was only because it only happened because I was running and had some momentum. Anyway, he circled back and started shouting at me. I apologised again and he was being so aggressive that a random man and woman leapt to my defence. This made him double down and say, 'Look at the size of her, she could have taken me down.'

• 2:20Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  Up until that point, I'd been apologetic and of course this made me very upset, so I swore at him and told him he was rude. Cut to me half a kilometre away on a side street sobbing. My 50-year-old woman who runs every other day and does pilates twice a week, I look after myself. I'm not skinny and never will be. That comment cut deep. I couldn't sleep last night feeling shame. Any advice on the perfect comeback to that kind of behaviour or to cope with the spiral that comes after someone says something like that to you? Love the pod and love your conversations about mental health. Thanks, the anxious wombat."

• 2:48Speaker 01

  What an absolute fucking... that's a...

• 2:50Speaker 00

  I mean, the guys behaved like an absolute fucking prick there.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  The trouble is, in this scenario, is you're dealing with a fucking absolute vile piece of work.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  Who is... that's someone who I would ultimately see as little to no joy in their life. So for someone to...

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Hold on, hold on a sec. We've got the subject title. First time meeting Tom Davis.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed wifi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  Host Thanksgiving with industry-leading quality standards from Whole Foods Market. There are no antibiotics in their meat department, ever, so carve up turkey and spiral-cut ham with peace of mind. Shop organic sides like stuffing mix and cranberry sauce from 365 brand. And guess what? All their delectable pies are made with no high-fructose corn syrup. Gourmet Thanksgiving flavours with the quality you want, only at Whole Foods Market.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  I think the real truth of this is, a lot of this is on the behaviour of this guy, this person, I think. Which doesn't make it any easier because I have had people say stuff, probably most of us, and been picked up because of my size or whatever and those insults can cut deep and it's very hard in a scenario like that to try and rationalise and think about, like, why and try and try to understand someone like his behaviour. I think that he sounds like he's just a very, very angry person and

• 4:49Speaker 01

  he'll go away from that thinking that's probably quite normal behaviour to be as aggressive or as angry as he's been. I think firstly I'd say it's quite a nice thing that you've got two people there who'd seen that and seen his... that should tell you that how he was... he's very much acting in a way that isn't socially acceptable and they both stood up for you and they've spoken to you and but none of that makes it any easier in dealing with them. And I think the thing is, I think when you're insulted or something, says something, certainly when you carry a certain amount of anguish or worry, when people call you those names or when people make a judgement on you, it feels like it hits that little bit harder.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  So I think, yeah, it would be disingenuous of me to turn around and say, "Oh, you know, don't let it get you down" because I think it still gets me down when people say certain things that are done in a certain tone or a certain way. And I think when you're dealing with very, very aggressive people like this guy clearly was, it can be quite a daunting thing and it can be quite terrifying on the basis that you go away seeing just... it makes you lose a little bit of faith in humanity that someone could be quite so mean, especially when you apologise.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  I hope, you know, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you're not any of the things that he's called you or any of those, you know, things. Feel proud and feel just a pride in who you are as a person, that you've done a decent thing. And, you know, again, we've talked so much on this podcast about body dysmorphia and different ways that we see ourselves and I wish that there was a place where I could look at myself and go, you know, but I'm paper-thin when it comes to stuff like that. If people say certain things, it cuts deep. So I think you just kind of need to tell yourself that that is just a really fucking vile human being having an off day and

• 6:55Speaker 01

  try your best you can to make your peace with that. I sort of find it really hard to give advice on something that I struggle with pretty much each and every day.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  I mean, I don't... one of the things that you ask for is a witty comeback. You can't... there's no point doing that. You're not... at the end of the day, that guy just wants to vent regardless, right? He just... and the truth is, there is something else going on. He's fucked off with his life or whatever and you happen to be a receptacle for his rage is what's happened. And he's got some other shit going on. I mean, the best revenge is the fact that he's probably not happy. I can't imagine he is.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  No, best revenge would be he went down the road and got fucking messed over by a car.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  And got killed, yeah, and got killed or had a life-altering injury. Is that what you're wishing on him? So, but he, you know, happy people do not respond like that to their situations. And like, I know what Tom's saying. I've had things that happen to... I remember when I was doing Asian Provocateur and we were doing an episode where we were doing a martial art and you have to be topless for that and I'd never taken my top off on camera before. And I was really, I was really big, much bigger than I am now. I was worried about it and then I just thought, "Oh, fuck it, I'm a comedian and who gives a shit and just do it." And then when the episode went out, somebody messaged me and said, "I was eating my dinner when I watched that episode and I couldn't finish it after seeing you with your top off."

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Sorry about that.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  And, look, we ended up doing a podcast together. No, but I had about two weeks just feeling fucking horrendous.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  I get it every day.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  But the truth is, I've said the truth is quite a lot now.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, we say it a lot.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  But the truth is, and in all honesty, and you know, the truth of it is, to speak honestly, truthfully.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Earnestly?

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Earnestly.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  You are in complete control of how much power that comment or that reaction has to you. And that's somebody that's got other shit going on. And do you care about that person's opinion of you? And if he wants to think that about you, just let him think that, you know? That is the battle that we've all got to come to get to grips with is that that is not about what you look like. That is about a guy that has got a serious number of issues. Where he's got some sort of fucking anger problem and he's taking it out on you. And what would be, you know, if you look into, when you read about... Buddhism, you know, they talk about the

• 9:28Speaker 00

  the, the, the, the harm that's inflicted on you and then the harm that you subsequently inflict on yourself.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  And the first bit of harm is he said that, and that was a horrible thing to say. And now what you're doing, i- it's like he's, he's put a knife in you. And rather than taking that knife out, you're twisting it and you're making it hurt you more and more and more. From your reaction to it, and I'm not blaming you for that, but that is what we all do so much. We take that thing and we give it so much more power.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  Can I just say if someone does stab you and put a knife in you, the worst thing you can do is take it out.

• 10:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I was sort of figuratively.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, I'm just saying.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  I would say the worst thing is to repeatedly twist. That's worse, isn't it?

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's worse. Yeah, yeah.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  And also, another worse thing would be to continue to stab yourself. So there are worse things.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, but you should leave it in. Take it out yourself.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Sorry, this isn't, let me just preface this by saying this is not stabbing advice. The point I'm trying to make though is, is um, you're allowing it to hurt you more than you should. You know what I mean? Just, just take the, just remove the knife without any medical training. Take the knife out. That is the most heartfelt advice I can give you.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  And know that you're incredible and we adore you and you're amazing.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry that you went through that.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  I mean, I mean, I'm, listen, I'm gonna tell you this, man. Rob and Ramesh, the Tour de France episode, the bowling episode. I had put on a bit of timber before we got into that, got into that series. Do you not feel good about that being on TV?

• 10:51Speaker 01

  I do, yeah.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  And, and.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  Can I say that was a moment when all three of the four of us stood there.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  And there's noticeably people taking pictures and laughing.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Who weren't even, they were French, so they weren't going, oh, that's the guys from TV.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  They were going, look at those guys.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Look at those three overweight guys.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  But, but.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Cycling lycra.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, that, I mean, that is true. But, but the thing.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Josh, by the way, who looked incredible.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, he looked great.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Getting ready for Strickler, he looked lean.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Oh, he looked incredible. Hadn't put the fake tan on yet.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  No, if he'd had fake tan, he'd have been, he'd have been an eight out of 10.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know what? He'd have been the sort of guy that could run a bakery in Arizona.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Whoa, callback from the last episode.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Greetings, Wolf and Al. Recent discovery of your podcast from some of the clips reaching my page and I can't get enough of it. Been away for work abroad and what better time to discover the pod? I wanted to ask some advice on what your solutions and remedies are to common issue most men have faced. As we all know, sometimes our imagin- imagination takes us to weird places. It sounds like you might be you, John May Guy. Those faces can spike a sudden rush of blood to the old Hampton. Sometimes this can happen at some very inconvenient times before entering work, for example, or before going to the gym. Where would it, where it'd be quite obvious to bystanders. I mean, I can just tell you now, the chance for that happened to me.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  I have to summon fucking spirits for that. Have you ever been in a situation of an inconveniently timed erection? What did, what, what did you do and did it work? I had a situation this week on my work trip and started to thinking about the wolf, Tom Davis. Seemed to work, oh, great, okay, seemed to work a treat. Would the adoptant is silly in the future? Yours truly, the Boyce Just Bandit.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  Before we get into the Boyce Just Bandits problem.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  How do you feel about the fact that he's using you or images and erections of present?

• 12:40Speaker 01

  I'd say the amount of pride.

• 12:41Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  You know, it's a nice, yeah. Maybe that could be a thing, like just my face, sort of, yeah.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Um, I, I mean, my main advice would be B forty eight. Um, because I'm about a week away from buying a fucking splint.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  I mean, I will say, all joking aside, those days are just a hazy fucking memory now.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  The idea that I could.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Impromptu erection in a fucking scenario. I, even when I'm supposed to have an erection.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  I can't get, I can't get a promptu erection.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I've come to a place where I'm looking at spells on the internet, fucking.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  So the idea of going to the gym and getting an erection is, no, I mean, I'm guessing you're younger. Um, and, uh, yeah, I mean, I think you're, the, the go to is probably thinking about someone or something that isn't particularly.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  Appealing.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, appealing. Well, yeah, and I'm glad that I, I'm the first person that you could think of in that scenario.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, the problem is, you roll the dice there, cause you know, he, he could have thought of you and that, if anything, sent more blood to it.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  And then suddenly he's.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  I mean, it is, I will say, thinking back a long time ago. It is one of the worst things when you're younger and you've got an impromptu erection.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  And you didn't quite know how to, what.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  I remember being at school and getting an erection, then got called up to the front of class.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  Oh, that's, yeah. Well, did you still have a bone on?

• 14:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, but it dropped, as soon as you stand up, it kind of.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  That wasn't my experience.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  But surely, just walking up to the front of the class isn't a sexy, it's quite a nerve wracking thing.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, it started to fade immediately.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:31Speaker 00

  But nevertheless, you're sat at the desk, you've got a full boner and then your teacher goes, Ramesh, up the front.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  I love the idea of you just sitting there, just nursing a boner, just thinking, oh, this is fucking nice. Can't wait to get home to this evening.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  I should bring you about six o'clock this evening. You should be having a masturbate, Mr. Ranga. Oh, thank you, sir.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  We're, we're sharing vulnerable experiences here to try and help somebody.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  And you're being like a little fucking bully.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I was just, I just now I've got a picture of you just smirking to yourself for the big erection.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  We've all had it though. I've, I remember having it at work once. And on the tube trains, where you just, when you're a bit younger and you don't.

• 15:21Speaker 00

  I've, I've told, I'm sure I've told this story. I'll tell it again.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  So much, it's like, you know, the thing.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  No, the, what, what's your favourite?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Just, yeah, come on.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  That when Lisa and I first got together.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't know that story.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  We, um, we went to Canada to stay with one of my uncles. And they like, in Canada, they've got these like big basements where it's basically like another set of rooms.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  So they let us stay in there, my uncle let us stay in the apartment downstairs, like the basement bit. And Lisa was pregnant with Theo at that time.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:53Speaker 00

  And on the, um, the last day of our trip, we woke up and Lisa was being a bit funny with me. Like just a bit cold, right? And I thought.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Which is un-Lisa like.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  He's a warm person.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Lisa's difficult, I would, I would describe Lisa as difficult to read. So I'm trying to, like, you know, when you're trying to, like, you're asking questions, then you start to be overly nice to try and see if you can get a response or whatever. And then eventually, it like, the sort of morning had gone and I thought that she's being funny. And I said to her, is there, can I just ask, is there some sort of, yeah, have I done something? Anyway, she told me that in the middle of the night, she was woken up by me. All right. She turned around to see what I was doing. I was fully asleep and furiously masturbating.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Hey, Spotify listeners. When you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed wifi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  Host Thanksgiving with industry-leading quality standards from Whole Foods Market. There are no antibiotics in their meat department, ever, so carve up turkey and spiral cut ham with peace of mind. Shop organic sides like stuffing mix and cranberry sauce from three sixty five brand. And guess what? All their delectable pies are made with no high fructose corn syrup. Gourmet Thanksgiving flavours with the quality you want, only at Whole Foods Market.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Did she try and, is it like sleepwalking?

• 17:46Speaker 00

  I guess so, I don't know, yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  You can't, yeah, you can't interrupt, like sleepwalking.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  Well, she just left, she said my elbow was like.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, like it's.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I never thought you'd be like a furious masturbator.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Well, I didn't think I was either, but.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Jeez.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, and she said it was like, really, it was just a bit weird.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Did she film your, like, get a picture of you?

• 18:05Speaker 00

  Film me, no.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  It's bizarre, isn't it? And then, and then I, I sort of found myself in a weird situation where I'm like.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you saw your fault.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Say, it's not my fault, but at the same time, she said it was a bit, it was a bit, it was strange.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Well, it sounds like it was aggressive.

• 18:21Speaker 00

  She's never encountered any, that's never happened.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  No.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  And I've never done it since.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  I mean, I'd have done, but she certainly wasn't aware.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Wow. You've probably done it on your own when you're in a hotel, maybe.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  Not, what, in my sleep?

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe, but I didn't think that was a phenomenon, sleep wanking.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  No.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  It's only one letter's difference, isn't it?

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Jeez.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't know, she didn't say whether it was the.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  The completion.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Yeah, but if, then she, she'd have had to come and clean you up.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  I guess so, I don't know.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Cause otherwise you'd have woke up all sticky.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I know what would happen, yeah.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Imagine going upstairs to your uncle and auntie and going, so have you got any kitchen towel? Oh, have you dropped a glass of water?

• 19:10Speaker 00

  He's been sleepwalking.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  Furiously wanking downstairs.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  I think, I sort of think like-

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Also, how embarrassing to have to bring that up. Cause now she's locked in, right? You've got a kid on the way. We married at that time.

• 19:24Speaker 00

  No, we weren't married.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. Ah, fuck!

• 19:27Speaker 00

  And then you're sort of, you're abroad.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  You're pregnant abroad. At your, your other half's uncle's house. Unusually circumstances and the only bit of-

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Home.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  The home that you've got is your other half.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:44Speaker 00

  And then you somehow, it's like fucking you've, you're in Get Out.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:47Speaker 00

  You've suddenly become this kind of demonic masturbator.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  I bet she was scared to go to sleep again for a while. Like just worried that you'd do it.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  I, I, I wonder if it's just a Canadian thing, but I have been back to Toronto.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  And not, yeah, but on your own. So you don't know if you've had that dizzy.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe, maybe every time I go to Toronto.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  So they call it Torano.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Torano.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  Every time I go to Torano.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Oh, man. You could be known as a Toronto masturbator.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  That could be quite a cool nickname.

• 20:14Speaker 00

  T wank.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Hi Wolf at Alan Coyote, I'm a new listener and absolutely love the pod. I've been binge listening for the past couple of weeks. It genuinely never fails to put me in a good mood. I need your advice on what might be the most bizarre airport transport experience. Transfer experience of all time. My boyfriend and I were recently on holiday and the day we arrived, it was raining. Our transfer was late and when it finally arrived, we realised we were sharing with two very drunk Mancunians. Eventually, after some polite small talk, the conversation dies down and the bus goes quiet. Just the radio playing. Then we realised why, they're kissing in the back. The kissing turns into heavy breathing and suspicious noises. And my boyfriend and I just sat completely silent, facing forwards. Pretending we can't hear what's happening less than a foot behind us. I then noticed my boyfriend has his head in his hands. I look over and in my peripheral vision, I can see this woman's head behind his seat.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  And, and the seat moving, behind his seat and the seat moving back and forth. At this point, the noises and the squeaking trains were enough evidence, they were shagging in the back of our transfer bus. I turned back round, absolutely mortified and in the midst of the situation couldn't get any worse, I feel a hand stroke the back of my head. I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Eventually they stopped, the bloke then asked the driver to pull over because he needs a piss. He gets back on with his entire knob out.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  God.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  At this point, I'm just staring straight ahead, praying we can make it to the hotel without witnessing anything else. Thankfully, we eventually arrive. My boyfriend and I get off the bus traumatised, uncomfortable and undoubtedly horny, I imagine. And feeling like we've just been unwilling extras in a porno. So what would you have done? Would you have said something? Would you have stayed silent? And most importantly, if you did say something, what the fuck would you even say? All the best, the traumatised tiger.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Wowzer, wowzer, wow. I mean, jeeps. I, I know, I'd be lying if I was, I wouldn't be able to say anything.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  I'd sit there, I'd like to think that I would go, hey, fucking, what are you doing?

• 22:00Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  But I wouldn't, I'd sit there quietly and just-

• 22:03Speaker 00

  I'd probably pretend to fall asleep and then masturbate.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Just off the sound.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. So they're also clearly trying to get people involved with the struggle.

• 22:19Speaker 00

  I mean, they're getting back on the thing with the knob out is a bit mad. I mean, they're really pissed, aren't they? Maybe they thought they'd be more discreet than they actually were.

• 22:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, cause I think there's such a fuck, even if you're really leathered. That's such a big fucking swing, isn't it? To fucking do that. That's so, so much confidence. I don't think I've ever felt that horny in my life.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  Also, you're being tra-

• 22:40Speaker 01

  And also you're about to arrive at a hotel.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  You're being transferred to the hotel.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Maybe something really sexy's happened on the flight.

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Maybe.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  Or sort of-

• 22:48Speaker 00

  Well, maybe like, maybe sometimes, you know, helpful things to think about. What is the possible journey that these people have had to the actions that they're taking?

• 22:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:58Speaker 00

  Maybe it's always been their fantasy to fuck on a transfer bus.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  I don't think there's anything less sexy than a transfer bus.

• 23:05Speaker 00

  No, I mean, I'm, yeah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I'm not saying I'm into it, I'm just saying.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Oh, this coach is sexy.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  No, you don't.

• 23:17Speaker 00

  Hmm, sure.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  What, also, I wonder if the driver had seen, I mean, do you ever-

• 23:25Speaker 00

  I mean, if you're a driver of a transfer bus, you've probably seen all sorts.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Have you ever, have you had light sex on moving transport before?

• 23:33Speaker 00

  No, I've like-

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  I've done stuff on, on moving transport before.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  I, I, I don't think I've ever been that amorous that I've, you'd go the whole, the whole way.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  That feels, I think-

• 23:44Speaker 01

  You, I think you're setting yourself into a lifestyle then.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  Cause I think, yeah, cause the danger of it feels-

• 23:49Speaker 00

  Sometimes what you don't, sometimes I think you don't want to discover that's something you enjoy.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Because that's incredibly inconvenient thing to be really into.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  It's why I don't understand why people get into beers that, when they said that we were into a craft beer that's only served in one place. It's going, why the fuck have you done that?

• 24:06Speaker 01

  I remember that, yeah, I was pretty close to have come to it in the back of like in a taxi. That's probably, yeah.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  So talk me through the-

• 24:12Speaker 01

  No, it was many, many moons ago.

• 24:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  With a, with a girl that I'd met one night and we got in the back of a taxi.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  Hmm, I've done back of taxis.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Uh, and but then-

• 24:21Speaker 00

  Back of taxi is high risk in the extreme.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, cause you know, we were young, we were sort of having a, yeah. And I'm like, we probably need to get back to your house or my house, cause this guy doesn't necessarily feel it. He feels like he's enjoying the show a little bit too much.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. What, the problem that it gave me, um, cause I did it in the back of a taxi, like got up stuff in the back of a taxi. Is I would then get an erection every time, every time I saw the back of someone's head. It was every time the guy brought the mirror up and when I was getting my haircut, I'd get a full boner.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  I'll just doze off and nurse this for a while.

• 24:59Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, they're sort of savages, aren't they, these people?

• 25:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I think, yeah. Also, I don't think you can say anything, cause I would say it-

• 25:05Speaker 00

  I sort of think the pissing is, they're coming back with your knob out.

• 25:08Speaker 01

  Actually, it's almost worse.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  That's almost confirmation that these people are just fuck, they're off the fucking way.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  But can I say by the way, that they're also the sort of people that there's no, like, like the guy on the bike. If you were to say, hey, your behaviour, this is fucking not acceptable. They, they would literally, they would not understand you.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  You'd get beaten shitless or something.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  Um, I would, I would do exactly what they did, I think.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd do that, yeah. Just get in the hotel, have a real wash and yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  Uh, but then you might see them again during the holiday, right?

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's the thing, is they're in your hotel and then you fucking had a go at them and they've had a go at you. It makes it very easy.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  No good can come from that.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. And also they sound like the sort of people who'd probably make friends with loads of different people at the hotel. Cause they're obviously very fucking confident.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  Hmm, agreed.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  Hello, Ron and Tom. Absolutely love the pod. I'm a bit late to the party as I only started listening a few months ago. But it always brightens my day every time a new episode drops. I've been watching the reluctant vampire. As a big fan of vampires and all things spooky, I absolutely love it. So my question is to you guys, if you had to be a pick a mythical being out of a vampire werewolf or a merman, which would you be and why? Happy October, best wishes, the bewitching bat. Reluctant vampire is on BBC One and BBC iPlayer. Thank you for tuning in. We've got to push it.

• 26:26Speaker 00

  No, you don't.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  You have to.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  It's doing great.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  It's doing good. You've really got to push it.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  Um-

• 26:32Speaker 01

  You watched it yet?

• 26:33Speaker 00

  No, I haven't actually.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Oh, wow, okay. Okay.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Well, I haven't got, I, I, I want to watch it with the family.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  They all get excited about Uncle Tom.

• 26:41Speaker 01

  I'm looking forward to seeing what Charlie and Alex and Theo might be a bit, too cool, Theo. Theo's probably more into the gentleman.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. He's got a gentleman vibe to him. You, that's so like, that's so, yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 00

  Um, vampire werewolf or merman?

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Merman, I think all day.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  How come?

• 26:59Speaker 01

  I think it would be, what, living in the sea and out of the sea? That'd be so fucking sick.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Like the sea is just full of adventures and journeys and trails that we don't even know about yet. So that'd be fucking sick. And also, how many merman do you know?

• 27:14Speaker 00

  Uh, not as many wer- as werewolves and vampires. You're absolutely right, you got me there.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  No, but it's like, that feels like-

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Honestly, mate, you can't fucking move for werewolves.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  That feels like the most incredible thing.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  Uh, I mean vampire, you have to drink blood, I'm not really into that. I don't know what, you know, how that works if you're on a plant-based diet.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Werewolf, it's sort of out of your control a little bit, isn't it?

• 27:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, and also I just think you might as well just be a wolf.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  As you are.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. With merman, I think you've got everything amazing.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do, I do, when I watched Aquaman.

• 27:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, but also it's Jason Momoa acting, so.

• 27:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, but what I mean is-

• 27:57Speaker 00

  It sounds, looks fun, doesn't it?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it does look fun, but yeah.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  Well, that's a rider shark.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:01Speaker 00

  So you don't rate Jason Momoa's acting?

• 28:03Speaker 01

  I like Jason Momoa, I'm just not necessarily a big, I don't think he's necessarily, I think like there's other people who could have done a more compelling merman.

• 28:12Speaker 00

  You, like who?

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Uh, still to my head, Clooney would have been amazing.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Uh, Matthew McConaughey would be incredible. Jennifer Lawrence. I think them like being like a character of mer would have been more interesting.

• 28:25Speaker 00

  I thought Jason Momoa was a good Aquaman.

• 28:27Speaker 01

  I know, I, I know, I just, I thought he was incredible in Minecraft.

• 28:32Speaker 00

  What, I'll tell you what's difficult about this conversation, I was almost, I'm almost certain you haven't watched Aquaman.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  I watched half of it.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I was just, I loved him in Minecraft.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 28:43Speaker 01

  I thought he was great in that. And there's certain things, I just think, I don't know.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  He was good in Minecraft. Minecraft was one of the worst things ever. I mean, we can agree on that, can't we?

• 28:53Speaker 01

  I didn't think he was brilliant, but I thought he was the best.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  I mean, I preferred watching the footage of Danny Tomo roughing up those dinghies. Than Minecraft the movie.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Uh, I, I liked, I liked Jason Momoa because he's got a bit of a rock and roll spirit.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's a good guy.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, and he feels like he's got a bit of insanity in a world that feels quite sterile. He, he feels like at times he's got a bit of that madness about him.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  He's not sterile, is he?

• 29:16Speaker 01

  No, no, I can imagine he's quite like-

• 29:18Speaker 00

  He's fertile.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh yeah, fucking hell, he's fertile. I can imagine him shagging, shagging on the-

• 29:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh my god.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Back of a bus.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  The fucking bus had come off the road.

• 29:29Speaker 00

  Uh, shocking news, uh, this overturned bus found by a road on the way to a hotel in Magaluth. Uh, literally fucked off the road by Jason Momoa.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  Also, as a side note, internationally known comedian, Romesh Ranganathan was found in the back of the bus, sleeping and masturbating.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  We speak to him now, I was just, I, I woke up with my dick in my hand and Jason Momoa's gooch was just in my eye line.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  Do you know that Mr Momoa was shagging on the, on the back of the bus?

• 30:01Speaker 00

  No, I was just, I happen to masturbate on every transfer bus. It's just a happy coincidence. Anyway, looking forward to enjoying my holiday.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  That could be the next football chant when you're arse on. Ramesh is a wanker. Ramesh is a wanker. A sleep wanker, a sleep wanker.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. The, I, I, I imagine everyone that wants to call me a wanker publicly is thinking, let's wait till he's masturbating on a bus.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  Otherwise, it doesn't quite work.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Stuff like that, do you?

• 30:35Speaker 00

  No, I do online.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, online, but it doesn't matter, it's a fucking, online is, is nothing, is it?

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Um, all right, would you like, do you want to take us out?

• 30:42Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  Why don't you do the presentary bit, cause I started quite presentarising.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, cool. Let's go, I'm gonna try and up my game as a presenter. Wow, I hope you liked listening to that. We sure enjoyed talking it. So send your questions and stories to wolf@[email protected]. We genuinely love hearing from you guys and I mean that. And there's a good chance you'll hear yourself or your email read out on the show. See you next time.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Really good.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 31:12Speaker 00

  Goodbye.

• 31:21Speaker 04

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