Vicks In A Nebulizer, Awkward Pub Rounds and Joining The Army

Would Romesh & Tom Survive The Army? It's the Friday Q&A, and the inbox is in a thoughtful mood. A 13-year-old is dreading the school morning, an 18-year-old is baffled by pub rounds, and a Royal Navy mandrill wants to know which branch of the military the boys would join. Plus, Romesh learns why you shouldn't put Vicks in a nebulizer... Got a question, dilemma or poem? Email [email protected] Ranga Bee Production. #WolfAndOwl #RomeshRanganathan #TomDavies #ComedyPodcast Chapters 00:00 Intro00:33 Romesh's Vicks problem06:14 Romesh hated secondary school13:24 Romesh's £40 night out16:36 Everyone's just trying to fit in19:08 Militant Mandrill20:43 Army, Navy or Air Force?23:21 A very short army career27:28 Would Romesh have made a soldier?29:33 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Yay, it's the Friday email special of the Wolf Al Pod.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Hello, mate.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  [email protected] if you want to send an email in. Any questions, queries, dilemmas, poems?

• 0:26Speaker 01

  I've got all itchy all of a sudden.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Dust, this dusty old office.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  I'm going to ask you, I've been wrestling recently with an Otravine problem.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  Otravine, what's that?

• 0:37Speaker 00

  Otravine is the nasal spray that clears up your, you shouldn't use it for more than three to five days. I used it for six.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  Oh my god, you're like Nick Cotton.

• 0:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, panicked, yeah. I'm off it now, I think.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  I think I've been, I've been using a nebulizer, I think I've been using it wrong.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 0:52Speaker 01

  Well, I put Vicks in it.

• 0:53Speaker 00

  What is a nebulizer?

• 0:55Speaker 01

  It's like the thing you have to just clear the mucus and stuff in your throat.

• 0:58Speaker 00

  I thought it was the thing that he's in Men in Black, so I bet you forget what you're just saying.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  That might have been the original, so, yeah. Anyhow.

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Is it good?

• 1:04Speaker 01

  Well, it was up until I started using Vicks in it and then I was getting really bad sort of like burning sensation in my lungs.

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Okay, that feels bad.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Apparently it's really bad for you to put Vicks in it. I should have read that before.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, okay.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  I love Vicks.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, Vicks is great, man. My mum used to, did everyone do the?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  Towel over the head?

• 1:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then, you know what, I'd love to be like, you know Patrick Vieira who just used to wear it on his shirt?

• 1:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you do that now?

• 1:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  It ruins your shirt though, doesn't it?

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't do it like, I'd go out now.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  You wouldn't do it at the pub, for example?

• 1:33Speaker 01

  No, no. But if, if someone else had Vicks on?

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Like you had Vicks on in a pub and you could just go over and go, yeah, clear your head a little bit.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Be good if they could do like Vicks that smelt like designer fragrances.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Oh mate, that'd be amazing.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  Wouldn't it?

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like Louis Vuitton.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  By Vicks. Crafty animal pack member will be out there, hopefully. The endeavour enough to take a situation and make it run.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's box this goals for a second and get into our first email. Dear Wolf and Al, I just want to say that I love your podcast and listen to it every evening before bed. I love how it feels like I'm in the room with you during your conversations, even the poo related ones. That's amazing, that is incredible, isn't it?

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, Tuesday's episode.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  I'm 13, oh my god. And I've just started a new school, I'm having fun and I'm making some new friends. I cannot imagine a 13 year old finding anything entertaining about this podcast at all.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, well, the poo stuff.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Well, actually I can, basically. We talk a lot about poo and both two men children.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  For some reason in the morning.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  You did 20 minutes on fucking Transformers in the last episode, sorry.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  For some reason in the morning, I feel a sense of dread for the day ahead and the feelings get quite overwhelming. This continues throughout the morning, but then in the afternoon I seem to become a whole different person. I'm chatty and happy. My question to you is, this is just a phase as I transition to the new school and if you ever felt the same, should I do something about this? We should try and settle in more before making a decision on what to do. Thanks, Kings, the overwhelmed ox. What a beautifully written letter by 13 year old.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  What an incredible 13 year old.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  What a legend.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  I would say overwhelmed ox, it's credit to your, yeah, that you've raised this at 13. I still struggle with this most days.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, at your school?

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, the school I go to. In life, do you not, I struggle with this all the time. I wake up with a, well, I wake up sometimes 3, 4 in the morning with a feeling, I catastrophise everything. It's like it was got to a situation.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  You don't catastrophise this, do you?

• 3:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, sometimes I can get into a situation where I worry about, like this, yeah, yeah. Well, not only my, what I bring to it, the only thing is, I know with this is that holding my hand through it is the Obi-Wan of my world. Like, who, that's you by the way.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  John.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  And John.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Probably C3PO.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  This will make for a great editor.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  No, but I, I think to have recognised that already at such a young age, I, I, I mean, school certainly I had that problem. I don't, I'd have a feeling of dread about school, like going in and, yeah, I had not catastrophised, worried about how the day would end up. And sometimes, even now, as an adult, I'll get to 3, 4 o'clock and have this sense of relief that the stuff that I've, I've wasted so much mental anguish, like worrying about, hasn't happened. So, yeah, I completely, yeah, I completely understand it. I think as well, secondary school is literally one of the most intimidating, I, I don't

• 4:29Speaker 01

  think, and I, it's so terrifying secondary school.

• 4:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't, I, I, I, you know, as a parent of three kids that have all now made the transition to secondary school, I don't think people realise, I don't think you, I think you forget, it was fucking horrendous going to secondary school. Regardless of how great the school is and regardless of you going up with your, I mean, all three of our boys went to a different school to where all their mates from primary school went to. So for them, it was a big thing, like a bigger thing than it. But still, man, it's horrendous, it's really hard.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  It is, yeah. I, I feel like that quite a lot of the time. I feel like when I start a new job, I feel like when I, certain gigs, certain, you know, stand up, if I'm standing up, doing stand up with people that.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Standing up, doing stand up, yeah.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, if I'm, if I'm intimidated or I think the people I'm doing stand up, so I completely understand your point there.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  I, um, I.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Have you got better, you seem like you maybe got better with that stuff?

• 5:24Speaker 00

  I've got a bit with it now, I think. I, I've had to tra, I've actually had to train myself to accept the discomfort of a situation. So like, sometimes what's helpful is to separate yourself from the feeling, right? And to actually slightly intellectualise it and sort of go, I'm starting to feel like a feeling in my chest, I'm feeling overwhelmed and the reason I'm feeling like that is because this is a new environment, I feel out of place here and that this feeling will pass. All of these feelings are temporary and this will be absolutely all right. Ox, you've got evidence that this is going to get better, you know that every afternoon you start to feel better. So in the morning, when it's happening, you can go to yourself, this is the feeling I

• 6:09Speaker 00

  always get, I'm currently getting in the mornings, but I know that later on in the day I'll feel better and hopefully that'll start to make you feel better now. But I'm saying that now to a kid, I had a, I had, you know, you know when you have certain conversations that are locked into your head forever? I had, I had such a terrible time when I started secondary school, awful. The, like, I hated it. I hated it because it was new, I hated it because it's big, I also hated it because some of the, I actually had some kids that were just horrible to me on the school bus. And so I was dreading every day and, and I was, and I, I was hating, I would say the

• 6:51Speaker 00

  first term, two terms of, of secondary school, I, I hated it to the point where I reckon I was flirting with being a school refuser. I couldn't stand it. And I remember once saying to my, my mum was like, could see that I was upset and then I remember bursting into tears and just going like, I just don't, I just don't want to go, I find it so horrible going there. And the look on my mum's face, I will never forget for the, and now I think about it as a parent, I can't imagine what it must have felt like for her to have your kid that started a new school, feeling that distraught, do you know what I mean? And, and it was fine, it was all fine.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  And my mum told me it'd be fine and it ended up being fine, but I get it, it's, it feels all encompassing, you spend so much of your day at school. What I would say to you is, try and rationalise the feeling if you can and know that this is how you feel and you're going to feel better and knowing that you're going to feel better will hopefully make you feel better now. Does that make sense? And it will get easier.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  And keep doing you, because you're a steadfast legend.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, great, it's great email.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, great email.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  Okay, shall we do the next one?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  We're for now.

• 8:58Speaker 00

  Good.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  First, first of all, I love the podcast. It's great for, for, for giving me some random, I've got this really bad frog in my throat.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  It's really annoying. For giving me some random things to think about. I will have one in a minute. Have you got some?

• 9:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  I just, I wanted to know hypothetically, did you want some?

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd have a strip, so.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  There's a chemist nearby, I'll get you some, I should.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's what boots opposite.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  It's great for giving me some random things to think about and it always gives me a good laugh. I'm eighteen years old. Wow, the viewership's really.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  I tell you what, if we were Radio Two, we'd be absolutely buzzing at listeners, bringing the, the demo right down.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  I've recently started studying at university for, uh, for a very upper class and privately educated people. This is quite a new scene for me as I grew up in quite a working class environment, surrounded by friends who had little money. As expected, this change has felt somewhat weird for me. With many conversation topics, been travelling the world, ski seasons and people already knowing each other through large private schools. Anyway, one of the things that has made me feel slightly uncomfortable was a recent night in a pub where we began doing rounds in a relatively large group. I instantly felt awkward as this, as my, usually my friends and I at home would buy our own drinks and drink our own paces, saving money by doing so. I felt, uh, like asking to not be included in a round, but that seemed kind of strange and embarrassing in the moment. So instead I went along with it.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  If I could hear your thoughts on my situation, the concept of buying rounds in a pub, that would be great. Many thanks, the stingy squirrel.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Stingy, I think.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Stingy. Oh, stingy. Oh, dyslexia kicking in, which is a good place to start with this.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's do that.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  I, I, do you know what I felt like is when I got into TV? I think that was probably the first time that, I think, um, certainly before that and, uh, the work that I did as a scaffolder or whatever, I certainly felt the chip on your shoulder. You certainly, I think if you're on a tube or whatever and, uh, you're in working clothes, you, you can, uh,

• 10:51Speaker 00

  Feel self-conscious.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, but you feel self-conscious, you feel like you're being judged. If you go in certain shops, I remember like, I mean, we've talked about the Langham, but I remember if you go into a shop to buy something and, and you could sometimes feel quite judged in that situation. And when, certainly when I got into TV, for a long time, I carried a massive chip on my shoulder as to what I thought people thought of me and probably quite wrongly so in the fact that I think a lot of them were just very nice people that I, I would almost would make an assumption about. I did find out that, that buying of a round thing, you know, of the size of the rounds and the drinks that people would drink, you know, I was used to just pints and all of a sudden you're going and you'd new fandango things and

• 11:37Speaker 01

  not being as used to, you know, certain. I remember going out for, for Thai food for, with, with some people from production and, and I can't use even our chopsticks and the jokes being made about it, someone getting the kids chopsticks for me to use and stuff like that. So I think I, I've constantly felt that, but then realised, actually I worked with a stand-up comedian and writer who's one of my dearest friends, Will Smith, who's from a very different world than I am. Brilliantly educated, one of the most intelligent people, one of the loveliest people I've ever worked with, but in working with Will, it, and, and seeing how alike we were in our thought process or how we talk about things and I straight away, that, that began to fall away a little bit and I, I think, um,

• 12:23Speaker 01

  but I actually think it's a good thing, I think sometimes to feel like, you know, the money side and everything, I think, I think when you, there's a security in being in a world that you, you, you kind of never leave and in a club that you're always a part of. And actually stepping out of your comfort zone and whether that's being someone from an upper class, privately educated world coming down and working, you know, being on building site. To be fair, we had that and, and when I was scaffolding, you'd have people who'd do summer job and can come and work on building sites. And it was exactly the same thing. They were the, the Mickey, yeah, it was a, it was very different. So I think it's a good thing. I think it's to try and, and make your,

• 13:03Speaker 01

  your life journey to as many, put yourself in as many situations where you feel uncomfortable. And you're around people that you don't necessarily know or you have a perceived perception of and that you can change. Cause I think one of the problems we actually have in, in society these days is actually people weirdly, but even though the world should have become bigger and people have closed themselves off to sort of live in very sort of small bubbles across the plat, across the, you know, and and actually I think getting out and, and being around other people, other people's cultures, other people's thought process, well, whatever, I think is, is a really important thing. It's a thing that I, I tried myself and with my daughter, I'm always trying, you know, to be around different people. I think it's an important thing.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Very convoluted way of explaining why you're at the United UK.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Oh, I love you, Rob.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Uh, well.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  I genuinely, you know what the, the, my favourite thing about you is, right? I sat there for the whole of that, watching your face going, I don't know what burn is about to come. He is logging something. You, you see someone loading something into a bow and arrow and you're like, I hope that's just a fucking arrow without alcohol at the end of it. Oh, fucking a burning arrow. Yeah. Anyhow, my, my G.

• 14:14Speaker 00

  I had a thing where one of my friends, one of my really good friends, he'd always wanted to become a criminal barrister, right?

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  So he, he went, he's, he went off and, and studied law. And then he started hanging out with his barris, like barristers and, and I was broke.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  And, um, I went to his birthday and it was in his like this, I can't remember what it was, it's like Swanky Bar in London. And I had naively taken forty quid with me, right?

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  For the night out, which is what a night out in Crawley would, would cost me at the time. And, and actually probably, I reckon twenty-five, thirty, but I thought, I'm, I'm going to London, let me take forty. And, um, I met him and I said, can I, I did, I, I didn't know any of the people there. So I was, I wasn't doing rounds. Do you know what I mean? I just said to him, what do you want to drink? And he told me and I went to the bar and asked for a drink for me and, and his drink and that came to forty pounds. So, so then I came and sat to him and I gave him the drink and I was just very honest with him. I said, full disclosure, I'm out. So, so I, I spent the rest of the evening just nursing this drink that I had.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was so, and they're all like, and they're offering me drinks as well. I said, no, I'm all right. Thank you. I'm, I'm fine. Thank you.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no, no, no.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  This one's a taste, it's a sensation. I don't want to drink it too quick.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  Um, I think a, a difficult conversation now saves you a lot of problems down the line. I, I, I think you can just say, I'm not, you, and you don't have to say it's because you can't afford it. I think you can just say, I'm a slow drinker or, uh, I'm, I'm on a health kick or whatever. So, so I'm doing a thing where I have one beer and I'm just trying to make it, you know, and, and try and get out of it that way. The, the, I think otherwise you're going to start, the problem is you're going to start not going out because you know it's going to cost you so much money.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  It's a difficult thing though, isn't it? Because that situation you're talking about, like, I can, when I first got, again, being in that, like with, you spent the cash you've got on you.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  We're both old enough now that you brought cash out rather than a card or a phone. Um, but also that situation of being really worried about people thinking you haven't got any money. And actually, I'd have no problem in saying that now, like as, as a older man. Like, or in a situation, I'd make a light of it, I'd make a joke of it. I've, you know, got friends that, who, you know, do very, very well for themselves, who was mentioned doing something, oh, we might do this for a weekend. I was like, that's well out of my league. I couldn't, I couldn't, couldn't even dream of doing that thing. So in that sense, you become a lot more as time goes on. And I suppose again, it's like going back to a thirteen year old or going to an eighteen year old.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  It feels like socially you'll be judged for turning around and going.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I get it. This is an eighteen year old asking the question.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  And it's like you, you then go, oh, fucking hell, no, you know, I can't, buying a round, geez, you know, time will teach you that actually people care very little about that sort of stuff. And actually you being around and, and being good company or someone that they enjoy, that's far more important. But saying this to an eighteen year old where you, you realise that you're going to be judged very quickly. And in a situation where, and, and, and that's the hardest thing of, of all, in both of these contexts of thirteen and eighteen, is what you realise is all the time is everyone's just trying to find their place.

• 17:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  And what everyone's really, really worried about doing is being the person who's a little bit different or a little bit like, oh, that, you know.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  I mean, that, that's the root of when people talk about everybody ganging up on somebody.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  What it is, is a load of people who are grateful, it's not them.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  And, and so they just think this is where we can direct all of this.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I, I look back at thirteen year old me, eighteen year old me, twenty-one year old. And I think, I, I always thought about things differently. I was always very, very like, you know, from the people I surrounded myself with and the people I was around was terrified of that. So I, I'd conform and become very much, just try to be like the people around me rather than have my own thought process. Or even turn around and be like, you know, whatever. I think it's a really interesting thing that, that as time goes on and you realise the more individual you become, the more different you become. And from the, the world that you've been brought up in or the world that you found yourself in is actually a strength.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  And I think the moment that actually hits you is, is, is so enlightening and it's so like, oh, great, this is fucking something different now.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, I mean, I, I don't know. It's diff, it's different. You're an eighteen year old and eighteen year olds, your whole identity is, and I'm not trying to patronise. Your whole identity is caught, sort of caught up in your, where you, your, your social standing, I guess.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:58Speaker 00

  But you know, the, the, honestly, if you have a chat with somebody and tell them if they're a decent person, they should just accept that.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  Or, or that, you know, I've had it where, I don't think I was eighteen, but we, I've had it where I, I got a job and I had a bit of money. And somebody said they couldn't afford to come out and I said, I'll just cover you, but I won't tell anybody. You know, you, you know, you just mask it on their behalf, you know what I mean? And it's possible.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  But I've had that recently with a friend who's really doing badly.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  And couldn't afford certain things and you just go, oh.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got you.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  So, uh, you know, it could be, it could be that's the situation. However comfortable we feel about accepting that or not, that's.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  But also that's the thing of not having a, financially being, well, yeah, it's awful. Anyhow.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  And, and also can I just clear up? They did have cards. I'm not, when I was out, I, I, I wasn't, it wasn't so ancient. But what I mean is.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Mine was, by the way, very different. I was paid cash.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  I'd allocated.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  I'd allocated that amount of money for the night.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  That's how much I could afford.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:02Speaker 02

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• 21:02Speaker 00

  Dear Wolf and Al, me and my friend Max, both aged 17, absolutely love the podcast and we used to talk about our favourite parts of the new episodes and how much they get us through our days at work. I'm writing in today as he's leaving for the army in a few months' time and I've been struggling to think of a good luck present for him. It would mean the world to me if the Wolf and Al could send him their best wishes. It would never be something both of us would, sorry, it would be something both of us would never forget. I'd also love to hear your thoughts on the army and if you think either of you would be capable candidates. Thank you so much. Lots of love from the surprise seal. Different writer. And while we're on the subject, I'm currently in the Royal Navy and have been deployed in Gibraltar for the past six months. It can't quite be at the lovely sights of Plymouth or Portsmouth. My question is, for whatever, is this somebody else's email?

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  If for whatever reason you had to join the military, what would you join? Army, Navy or Air Force? And what job do you think you'd do within it? Keep doing what you're doing. Your sweet, sweet swoles. The militant mandrill?

• 21:54Speaker 01

  Well, the militant mandrill. Mandrill, by the way, actually, you know what, it should be, if you're in the army, the navy, get in touch, the air force, we will do you some, we'll do some mandrill. We should, we should do more for, for our forces.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Can we be clear on what exactly you're offering? Because what it sounds like happened there is you were going to offer it for free.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  No.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  Then your arse went.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  The discount code.

• 22:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  Discount code for the, for the people in the forces.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  All right. Well, there's no point giving the discount code because everyone will use it.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, yeah, but people in the.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  How will you, how will you determine that?

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Just send a picture of you in a uniform to John and yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 00

  I can't imagine anybody's going to bother to get a uniform just so they can get some free fucking mandrill. So it's probably legit.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Tom, military. I see you as an air force guy.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  I've been awful in the air force. How would I get in that? That would be the worst for me.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  They'd strap me to the top of it.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  I would not be able to get in a plane.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  That'd be the worst. That would be, it would have been terrifying.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  Your legs outside.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Can I say, the navy, I think is, I'd take my hat off to anyone and that would be the one that scares me the most.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  Why?

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Out at sea for ages. And I think like, if you're hit, but if you're an air force, like pilot, your plane gets hit, it's sign hours straight away pretty much, unless you get parachute out. But for the most part, it's, it's over. If you're in a boat that gets hit and it's slowly sinking, that must be awful.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  Like Titanic.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  I don't think the, I don't think the pilot thing sounds great either to be honest with you.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, but at least it's like bang, it's over.

• 23:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  You know, and also the idea of being, I, you know what, when I watch navy stuff and I watch the adverts.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  And you watch a lot, don't you?

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love the armed forces. I always think, you know, the bits when they get off the small ships onto the big ship, that would be the bit I'd worry about the most. Even now, I've never probably ever gonna have to do that. And it worries me. I think about at least twice a day where, you know, when I get the little rung ladders on the side of the ship that go up. I feel like, oh, we don't want to be behind Davis, sir. He'll take forever. He'll fall off. I'd worry about falling off.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Stop crying, Davis!

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Slipping on the bottom rung and then just falling into the fucking ocean.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  Now, we've got to be careful here because John's actually from a military background.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  Are you from a military background?

• 24:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, my family, yeah.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, no, why have we got to be careful? Who's gonna, who's gonna say anything offensive about the armed forces?

• 24:07Speaker 00

  I'm just talking about some of the stuff you've said off.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Oh, my famous like.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Well, okay, okay.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  The men and women of this country.

• 24:14Speaker 00

  If you want to get into it, they're all pussies, you said.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  No, I, I have a lot of admiration for anyone who, who, actually as well, I think it's, you know, I think it's awful how they get treated after.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  When they leave the armed forces. I think some of the, the treatment of them is absolutely, it's something we need to be better at. And I think at the moment, we're in a position where it's getting harder and harder to get young people to join up. And I think actually like giving them, you know, something to look at post, I mean, look at that one just now, camouflage. But, but, no, but post, post.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Katy Perry, the astronaut.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  Post-service. I think that, you know, how we look after.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I agree.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's terrible. Anyway, yeah, nothing but admiration and love. They're, they're incredible.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  Yes, it's an amazing job. I was actually in the army.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  What?

• 25:07Speaker 00

  For a short time. Combined cadet forces at school.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Really?

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  What was your vibe?

• 25:12Speaker 00

  Um, getting shouted at and being shit at everything pretty much.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  What would you, what would you have joined?

• 25:17Speaker 00

  I kept being made to do that.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  You'd have been, you'd have, the air force would have been good for you, like they.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  I'd have loved to join the air force. They get, you had the option of doing air force, army, navy or Duke of Edinburgh.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  What did you get? So you went with the army?

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  The army would have been for me.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  I hadn't chosen the army. I'd chosen the, the air force.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Really?

• 25:36Speaker 00

  But that was, everybody wanted to do air force. So I never went in the army. So I had a gun.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Obviously just like a, you know, like.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Plastic one?

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. But you had to.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  Did you do like, um, those sort of gangs when you go out to the woods and you've got to find?

• 25:49Speaker 00

  I didn't get that far unfortunately. Um, I think I was given a dishonorable discharge, but.

• 25:54Speaker 01

  From?

• 25:55Speaker 00

  My, yeah.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  From the kids army?

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I didn't, I didn't do it for long.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  How long were you in there for?

• 25:59Speaker 00

  Honestly, I'm not exaggerating. I think I was in it for about a month.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just was a bit of a, I was just a bit of a shit.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  I would love to, to have been like a chef in the army. I think that's a pretty cool thing.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  That'd be great.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  That'd be a nice thing to do.

• 26:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Or like, you know, the person who puts the snacks in the planes before they will take like.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  That does their packed lunches?

• 26:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, puts the stuff if they're going on an expedition.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, that'd be nice. I put you a little sourine loaf in. Keep your blood sugar up.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Anything where you don't feel like you, you know, they're the ones I have utmost respect, you know, they're at the forefront of it or someone who's just a little bit sort of lurking back.

• 26:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  That's what you'd want to be.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  Yes. No, that's what I'd have to be.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  I've like, I've got knees that go in, I've got flat feet, I've got asthma, I've got bad vision.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  I don't think, look, with all due respect to us and the way that we try and look after ourselves, I don't think we're currently.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  No, but even.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  We're not, we're not of age, are we, to join the military now?

• 26:52Speaker 01

  No, but not of age. But even at, right, even at 16, and I'm not even going to talk for you because I'm going to upset, I would not have been able to be conscripted.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Sorry, sorry, sorry. Did you think you were doing me a kindness there? I'm not, direct quote, I'm not, I'm not even going to talk for you because I don't want to upset you. You think, you think that was you helping, dear? But if I, if I was to talk on you, you would find it so upsetting that I'd rather say nothing. That, that's you fucking doing me a service, is it?

• 27:24Speaker 01

  No, but what I mean is I don't want to speak for you.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  And, and say something. But I, I certainly look at my, what is it, 16 to 21, 22, when people are usually joining the army?

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  At that point, I would have literally been a lot, if I'd walked in like all gangly, full of asthma, fucking flat feet, legs that like fucking bow, they'd have turned around and gone, oh, yeah, all right, mate. We're okay for a minute. Thanks, big fella. We should be okay. Um, maybe we could usually be standing to hide behind, like, I probably would have actually, if I, I thought I could have even got close and got through it, it would have been something.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  Really?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I was physically not strong enough, mentally probably not strong enough. But yeah, the idea of being a part of the army or part of the armed forces, I'd have, without, if I could have.

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Can I ask, can I ask why?

• 28:10Speaker 01

  Because I actually think the camaraderie between them, I think they're finding, I've, I struggled for a long time to find what I think was my place in the world and who I was and what I was. And I actually think it would have probably done me some good

• 28:24Speaker 01

  being in a situation like that. And actually getting up and I think the friends that I've got who've joined the army, who, you know, whatever, that, whichever part of it they fall in, have had a sense of self and a sense of belonging and a sense of actually fulfilling and doing something. So much so that I'll never ever have that. You know, I'd certainly look for it for a long time. And actually, I think the, the routine, the order of it would have helped me as an easier younger person. So I think that, that, I think that would have been, yeah, the admiration I have there is, is, yeah, infinite.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  Infinite.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  Um, but what about yourself?

• 29:04Speaker 00

  What's the question?

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Well, no, would you have, 16-year-old Rom, 17, it's 18, you're 18, you'd need a sunglass hat. And would you have been able to, would you have wanted to join the army? How would you have gone?

• 29:15Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't think I would have wanted to. I, I, no, I don't, I've got full respect for people that do it. But, um, I don't know, I, I know that I've got none of the required.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, same.

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Even my sort of desire to stay alive is weaker than most people's. Do you know what I mean by that? What I mean by that is, that's, it's a weird thing.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  To stay alive.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  What I mean, what I mean by that.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  We, we think you would have been an amazing soldier. What we're slightly worried about is you seem like you might want to die and you could take the whole battalion with you.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  It's not like, it's not that I want to die. It's that what I mean is, I don't, you know, the idea of being so determined to overcome, I haven't got that. I'm not wired like that. So, you know, I, I could never be, I would never be a hero, ever.

• 29:59Speaker 01

  You are a hero in life anyway. I think you are. But, yeah, but you know what, actually, I think sometimes that they're the people that you look to. I also think that you have a resilience about you.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  I don't think I do. I think I'm a mashed potato of a bloke.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  Oh, shut up.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  I'm being serious. That's not faux humility.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  All right, yeah. Well, let's joke, throw the cards of joking off the table, sir. You're the most, one of the most resilient, I look for you for inspiration in most of the things I do in my life. I think you're resilient. I think you're very fucking strong-minded, single-minded enough. I think when the fucking shit comes down on the table.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  And I was in the trenches and I looked around and I saw you there. I go, oh, you know what? I fucking, this guy's, you're a stronger human being than you give yourself credit for.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  That's very sweet of you to say. What I would say is there's a, a margin of difference.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Between mentally getting over a work in progress didn't go too well and being in armed combat.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's, that's true. Yeah.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Or even unarmed.

• 30:49Speaker 01

  Can I say that's true to an extent? That is true, of course. But also you saying about no resilience, that is, that's not true at all on your behalf. I think if, if that had been the way of Romesh Rang and Aitken's story and the narrative of you, and you had gone, I'm going to be a soldier, right, I'm going to join the army. This is what I think I want to do in my life. I have no doubt you'd have been a success.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  I don't know. I, I think, you know, when they do like no retreat, no surrender?

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  My, my little slogan would be.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Retreat, surrender.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. No determination, no resilience.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  No, I, I would have to agree to disagree because I do. I do, I think you're, I've.

• 31:28Speaker 00

  That's very sweet. And I think the same about you.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  No, I'm, I'm a different vibe.

• 31:31Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Well, I don't want to speak, I don't want to speak on you because I don't want to really offend you.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  I'd have settled in very much to being a fucking.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  No, you wouldn't.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Joker of the pack.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  Thank you so much for listening and watching the Wolf and Al podcast. Questions and stories to [email protected] please. Big shout out to the British Armed Forces.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, shout out to the armed forces. Thank you for your service.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  All right.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Thank you, guys.

• 31:53Speaker 00

  Peace.

• 32:01Speaker 04

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