Trisha Paytas: The Years That Nearly Destroyed Me

Trisha Paytas opens up about her rise to internet fame, childhood, relationships and mental health, revealing the experiences behind one of the internet’s most recognisable personalities. She reflects on feeling unwanted growing up, her complicated relationship with her dad, and why she spent so much of her life searching for someone to love her. Trisha looks back on moving to LA to pursue fame, her experiences with sex work, deliberately making herself an internet spectacle and the terrifying time she was held captive in a man's basement. She also speaks candidly about her darkest period, her mental health struggles and being admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She opens up about meeting her husband Moses on the H3 dating show, finding stability, struggling to conceive and becoming a mother. Trisha reflects on how much her life has changed, before reading a deeply personal letter from Moses that brings her to tears. Trisha Paytas, We Need To Talk This episode includes discussions of childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, substance abuse, suicidal ideation and disordered eating. If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the topics in this episode, please watch with care. You can find support resources in the links below: Women’s Aid: https://linkly.link/2xInX Refuge: https://linkly.link/2xIqZ MIND: https://linkly.link/2dx8b Samaritans: https://linkly.link/30GX3 Follow us here: https://www.instagram.com/needtotalk https://www.tiktok.com/@weneedtotalkpod Sign up to our newsletter https://linkly.link/2eXHX Brand partnerships enquiries: [email protected] Follow Trisha here: https://www.instagram.com/trishapaytas https://www.tiktok.com/@trishlikefish88 Buy Trisha’s Book: Crying On The Kitchen Floor: https://www.simonandschuster.co.uk/books/Crying-on-the-Kitchen-Floor/Trisha-Paytas/9781398566774 (00:00) Intro (01:34) Trisha's Childhood in Illinois (02:54) Trisha's Childhood Photo (05:41) Trisha's Early Love of Film and TV (08:37) Trisha and Her Father (11:12) How an Absent Father Affected Trisha (12:34) Films That Influenced Trisha (16:33) Trisha's Teenage Ambitions (20:22) Trisha's Lonely Childhood (22:57) Trisha's Experience of School Abuse (27:17) Moving to Los Angeles After High School (33:58) How Trisha Made Money in LA (39:42) How Trisha Started Sex Work (50:28) Trisha's Kidnapping Experience (57:14) Trisha and Anthony Michael Hall (01:04:01) Trisha's Relationship History (01:07:20) Huel Ad (01:08:29) Anthropic Ad (01:09:20) Shopify Ad (01:10:24) Trisha and Anthony Michael Hall's Breakup (01:17:13) Trisha's YouTube Breakthrough (01:20:45) Trisha's Mukbang Videos (01:26:04) Trisha on Celebrity Big Brother (01:30:12) Trisha and Jason Nash's Relationship (01:34:30) Trisha and Aaron Carter (01:43:06) Trisha's Psychiatric Hospital Stay (01:47:10) Why Trisha Started OnlyFans (01:48:40) Trisha and Husband Moses (01:56:49) Trisha's Career and Family Life (01:57:35) Trisha's Children (01:59:29) Trisha's Family Photo (01:59:40) Trisha's Career Success as a Mum (02:01:58) Trisha Reads a Letter from Moses (02:02:20) Trisha's Family Photo (02:04:48) Trisha Reads Another Letter from Moses (02:07:28) Paul's Final Takeaways Sponsored by: Huel - http://uk.huel.com/WNTT use code WNTT for £10 off Anthropic - https://www.claude.ai/talk Shopify: www.shopify.co.uk/needtotalk Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:53Speaker 02

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• 1:23Speaker 03

  I go on a dating show. It was the H3 Podcast. One of the hosts of the show, Gila, her brother Moses was gonna be a bachelor. I'm like, oh my God, this is my guy.

• 1:31Speaker 04

  Then what happened?

• 1:32Speaker 03

  So...

• 1:36Speaker 03

  I blocked so much of my childhood out. I really thought, oh, maybe I'll get married young. Like, I thought that was like my out in life. Then I went to LA by myself. Obviously, I knew of stripping. And so I was like, hey, maybe that's why I'll like meet this rich man or something. But like, those two years I was in Hollywood, 18 to 20, I got mugged, sexually assaulted, and kidnapped.

• 1:53Speaker 04

  You were going through some very traumatic events, but there was hope. And there's no longer...

• 1:57Speaker 03

  No hope.

• 1:57Speaker 04

  I have a list of some of your boyfriends.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah.

• 2:00Speaker 04

  Can I say?

• 2:01Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 2:02Speaker 04

  So...

• 2:03Speaker 03

  Jason Nash, that was my biggest train wreck, for sure. I'm now like a danger to myself and others. They strapped me down. They took me to the Al Hambrano Mental Hospital. I wanted to be a Marilyn and Anna Nicole. Like, I wanted an early end. I'm like, well, at least I'll be iconic if I have like a tragic ending.

• 2:16Speaker 04

  What kept you going?

• 2:21Speaker 04

  Can I show you something?

• 2:23Speaker 03

  I don't get prior, like, this power.

• 2:27Speaker 04

  Hey there. Just a heads up before we begin. This episode includes accounts of suicidal ideation, sexual assault, substance abuse, and eating disorders. We've included links in the episode description to resources if you or someone you know has been affected. Please take care while watching.

• 2:58Speaker 04

  Can we begin in Illinois?

• 3:02Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:02Speaker 04

  All right, so this is what I didn't realize is... So were you born, is it in Byron?

• 3:09Speaker 03

  So I grew up in Byron. I was born in California. My parents divorced, and we moved back when I was three with my mom. My dad stayed in California.

• 3:16Speaker 04

  So then, what is the earliest memory that you have in Byron?

• 3:24Speaker 03

  You know, I blocked so much of my childhood out. Like, I really, for better or worse, like, don't have like good or bad memories. I think I blocked so much of it out. So I have very few memories in... I guess Byron was the place that I grew up the most. I stayed there until I was about 14 years old. So from like four to 14. But as far as memories go, I remember our house. I remember like a ranch-style house in a cul-de-sac.

• 3:53Speaker 03

  I remember watching a lot of TV there. That's kind of my childhood memories.

• 3:58Speaker 04

  That's what you remember? All right. Can I show you something?

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  That might help you to bring back memory?

• 4:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 4:07Speaker 04

  All right, so I'll have a lot of surprises for you, Trisha.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  I know, I'm nervous. I was like, oh my gosh, okay, what are we seeing?

• 4:12Speaker 04

  I pull them out of pillows in my seat.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  Oh, I love that.

• 4:16Speaker 04

  Okay, so if you can tell me what's happening in this photo, or what you remember at all about this photo?

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I mean, I remember that couch so vividly. It's like this like 90s, 90s print couch. I think this is when my little sister is born. So my half-sister, Callie, who I consider obviously my full sister, I had a stepdad. So I remember being like, kind of confused if it was my dad or a stepdad.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  And that's kind of all I remember. I think it might have been right when I was starting school.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  So from what you can now piece together...

• 4:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:00Speaker 04

  What do you think little... Were you called Trisha at this age?

• 5:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, Trisha, yeah.

• 5:05Speaker 04

  Trisha, okay. What do you think Trisha...

• 5:09Speaker 04

  What do you think her perception of love was?

• 5:15Speaker 03

  Gosh, ugh. I think, I don't know if she knew it. I don't think she felt it. And I don't think it's like my parents' fault. I think my mom worked like four jobs all the time. I didn't really see my dad at this age. So I just don't think there was love, at least felt in the house or talked about in the house. Which, you know, I'm close to my parents now, but I think back then, it wasn't there.

• 5:45Speaker 04

  It wasn't there?

• 5:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:46Speaker 04

  Okay. Can I hold on to that?

• 5:48Speaker 03

  Yes, yes.

• 5:48Speaker 04

  And any of these that you want, we'll give to you.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  Okay, I love that.

• 5:52Speaker 04

  So now, where was your safe space? Or did you not have one at that age?

• 5:58Speaker 03

  I suppose... I suppose it was home, but I was home alone a lot. So like I said, my mom worked truly morning, noon, and night my entire life. So I was just home with my brother, my older brother, and we just watched TV. So I always relate to movies and television a lot. Like, I feel very comforted by like shows back then.

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 6:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:22Speaker 04

  All right. So you said with your sister and your brother? Okay, is this a younger brother?

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Older.

• 6:28Speaker 04

  Older brother? Okay, so you have older brother? You have a younger sister? All right, so you're all living in this house? You're the middle child? Do you take on any of the middle child? You do?

• 6:41Speaker 03

  All of it.

• 6:42Speaker 04

  All of it?

• 6:42Speaker 03

  100%. I have a middle child as well, and she's just like me. Yeah, I was definitely always wanting attention, validation. I definitely was like the wild one, I suppose, like the crazy one. Not so much as a kid. I think I lived up to that like later in my adult life. But definitely as a kid, I still liked attention. I liked performing. I loved all of that. And my sister and my brother were just like not about that life at all.

• 7:06Speaker 04

  So you felt like you were attaching to characters on television?

• 7:11Speaker 03

  100%, yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  What do you think it was about TV that lit you up?

• 7:16Speaker 03

  I think just like the happy ending of it all, right? There was always like someone being saved or...

• 7:25Speaker 03

  It always like worked out. So I always thought like, well, I'm like one of these like TV characters or movie characters, like it'll work out for me.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:33Speaker 04

  So did it feel like it was not working out for you in real life?

• 7:37Speaker 03

  It's interesting, because like, at that age, at that five and six, like, there wasn't anything too, you know, tumultuous going on. But yeah, I just felt like I didn't have anyone surrounding me as opposed to movies and television. Like, there was always characters around. There was always people around. I didn't have friends. I didn't have, we didn't have any close family or anything like that. So I think I liked the idea of having like family and friends, like holiday movies. And there's like a big family. And we never had that, really.

• 8:04Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Okay. What was your relationship like with your mother at that time?

• 8:11Speaker 03

  You know, I always describe my relationship with my mom as like good. It was always good. I think I didn't realize like her not being around. She worked hard to like give us nice things. So I didn't realize like her not being around like affected me until like later on. But she just, you know, she wasn't around that much just because she was working all the time, which... And now in my adult life, I love to work as well. And I really have to like remember to be present for my kids. And it's not all about work. So that was a good, at least, lesson I learned later in life.

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Yes, yes. No, I'm with you. It's the same. It's the same. But I think also, in that generation, right? There was this idea that they were... I think, and I don't know if this is the case with your mom, but I think with my parents, it was their parents were just surviving. So this was like the first generation...

• 9:05Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 9:05Speaker 04

  To try to move a little bit past surviving to let's try to give our children a little bit more so they could begin to thrive.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Exactly, yeah. I do believe that as well. My, her, her parents were farmers, and they worked, you know, the fields and stuff like that. And they had like cornfields and cows and cattle and all that stuff like that. So my mom was the same way. They would take a bath like once a week. They wouldn't have new clothes. So she was, it was really important for her to have like, we have new Nikes when we go back to school and new backpacks. And of course, like not designer, but if we went to the mall on the weekend, we could go to Victoria's Secret and get like body sprays or we'd go to a movie once a week. And that was like really important to my mom. We're like eating out if we wanted to go eat out.

• 9:40Speaker 04

  Yes. Look at that. She was trying to...

• 9:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 04

  Give you something that she never had.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  1,000%. I understood it completely. And I felt it too. I felt very like, if we wanted to order pizza, there was always cash to have, you know?

• 9:50Speaker 04

  Yes, yes. Can I show you something else?

• 9:53Speaker 03

  I love the visuals. It helps so much.

• 9:57Speaker 04

  So if you could tell me what's happening here and who is in this photo?

• 10:02Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh. Oh. That is, this is my actual father.

• 10:06Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 10:07Speaker 03

  Oh my, this is my actual father, yes. Yeah, I was maybe like nine or 10 here. Yeah, and this is at his second wedding.

• 10:18Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, I remember this. It was a surprise. I found out the day before that he was getting married. I was like, oh, okay.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:27Speaker 04

  That's interesting. So in that photo there, is, are you happy? Sad, confused, something else?

• 10:37Speaker 03

  I think, I think I was sad. I was pretty sad most of my childhood.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  And I think I was really sad. Yeah, I think that was like...

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I just remember feeling sad. I didn't want him.

• 10:54Speaker 03

  I I wasn't happy about the marriage.

• 10:58Speaker 04

  Because of what?

• 11:00Speaker 03

  I just felt like I was completely gonna lose him. And he was already pretty, I don't want to call him an absent father, but he just wasn't around a lot. And I just thought, well, now you're really not gonna be around. Now you're really gonna be preoccupied. I was worried he was gonna have like another family. And, um, you know, I saw what happened with like my sister when she came. Obviously, that broke up my mom and dad's marriage. I just thought like, oh, no, like, another child's gonna come and it's gonna ruin what I know. That's what I was thinking. It didn't happen, but.

• 11:36Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  But I understand. And then, and I'll hold on to that one, too. So, uh, you gave some really good context there. So you said you saw it happen with your sister.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  How, what, what happened with your sister?

• 11:51Speaker 03

  Really, just my parents splitting up, like they were not. While I don't remember being four and it happening, I do always remember my dad kinda saying it was like when my sister came along, he had to move back to California is kinda like how he frames it. So, and I remember that at a young age, he told me that. I was like, why can't you be back with us? Why can't you be back with us? And he's like, your mom has your sister now. And, um, so in my head, I kinda just put that together where I was like, oh, that's the reason he's not here with us.

• 12:22Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  Which is like not my sister's fault, obviously, but I thought that in my head at the time.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  All right.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  But now you saying that, now I understand if he's getting married again.

• 12:31Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:31Speaker 04

  Why you would think that, especially at nine or ten.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:35Speaker 04

  What do you think not having that relationship that you wanted early in your life? How do you think that has impacted who sits in front of me today?

• 12:46Speaker 03

  I think it had a very drastic impact, which I didn't realize again till later on. Obviously, that term like daddy issues is very real. If you don't have that male, in my opinion, in my experience, obviously, it's out of some people's control if their dads pass away and stuff like that. So it was, it's very different. I think knowing my dad was like alive and didn't want to see me or be near me is how I felt. Um, felt very much like I need to find a father figure somewhere in my life.

• 13:16Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 13:16Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:17Speaker 04

  Okay. Now, you, you mentioned that you had a stepfather, though, at the time, but he was in and out.

• 13:22Speaker 03

  In and out.

• 13:23Speaker 04

  Okay, so he never really filled that role at all?

• 13:26Speaker 03

  No, I had a multiple stepfathers growing up, so it was like my sister's father was first. Um, then I had another one that lasted a couple of years, in and out, very in and out. Like he would pack his stuff and he'd be gone and my mom would be crying and like, he's gone. Um, and then, you know, my mom had boyfriends on and off, um, through my childhood. So there was men coming and going, but they were not giving any fatherly comfort.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 13:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Okay. Did you believe in the possibility of romantic love at that point? Or because you had not really seen it, you didn't believe?

• 14:00Speaker 03

  I believed because of movies.

• 14:02Speaker 04

  Because of movies?

• 14:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I was like, I need someone to save me. And I think that's where like the older man trope came in is the movies I was watching was like Taxi Driver was like my favorite one at like six. And I remember my mom.

• 14:15Speaker 04

  At six?

• 14:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. And like she, I remember Pulp Fiction came out when I was six and my mom's like, do you wanna go see Pulp Fiction or Speed? And I was like, let's go see Pulp Fiction. And then, I mean, both of those movies probably not great options. It probably would've been better to see Keanu Reeves rather than whatever Pulp Fiction was. But I remember being like, oh, they got like, there was always like a savior in those, right? Like Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction was like a savior. So I was very much like, obviously Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver, he was a pimp, but I was like, oh, but he saved her, you know? So I thought like, those were the relationships I was like seeking, I guess. I was like, I, I thought, okay, I need to be troubled or like Kate Fear, for instance, like the little student. And then, of course, like he was a convict in that movie, too. But like, it felt very much like I needed to be a helpless girl. And then like an older man would come and like protect me from my parents or from whatever,

• 15:00Speaker 03

  even though my parents were like not abusive or anything like that. But I thought they would like whisk me away as they do in movies.

• 15:06Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:08Speaker 04

  This is so interesting.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  I mean, cuz you were not, you, you were not passively watching these films.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 15:14Speaker 04

  You were in them.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:16Speaker 04

  And I didn't realize you were watching, uh, you know, adult content.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Yes, way too early.

• 15:22Speaker 04

  At, at, at, at six or seven?

• 15:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  So, so these films, out of those films, would you say Pulp Fiction was, was one of your top?

• 15:30Speaker 03

  Oh, I wanted to come to LA. I thought that was like my dream life is coming to LA. I loved, I loved it, yeah.

• 15:36Speaker 04

  Okay, so then what I'm about to show you, I can't wait to get your opinion. All right, on this one, Trisha, can you close your eyes? All right, you gotta trust me.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  This is the deepest interview. I feel like I'm in therapy. Oh, my god, okay.

• 15:49Speaker 04

  Okay, you have to hold out your hand.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 15:52Speaker 04

  All right, I'm going to put something in your hand and I want you to give me, what is your first reaction to this? Open your eyes.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh, is this like from my collection? Did you call my mom this was? Wow, I didn't even know we were going that direction. I kinda just directed it there. Wow, this was the one. This was everything to me. I rewound this so many times. We kept it from, it wasn't a blockbuster, but it was a local place in Byron and it was like, I kept it. I loved this one so much. Yeah, I thought this was, this was my goals in life, yeah.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  You know, what do you believe, cuz, cuz you know, films truly do, for, for some of us, it truly does shape us. So for example, my favorite film of all time that I watch on my birthday every year.

• 16:42Speaker 03

  I'm so curious to know.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

• 16:46Speaker 03

  Well, that sounds a lot healthier than this. I should've watched that, probably.

• 16:52Speaker 03

  The Gene Wilder one.

• 16:53Speaker 04

  The Gene Wilder, yes.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Okay, I love it, too. Yes.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  And, and it, and it truly, when I, when I think about my life, right, I think that it shaped my belief system. True, like truly.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  What was it about it?

• 17:07Speaker 04

  It was, it was that anyone can make it.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 17:14Speaker 04

  You know?

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:14Speaker 04

  It was this opportunity. It was like, it wasn't about class. It wasn't about anything other than you have an opportunity, right? That's what it was for me. All right.

• 17:25Speaker 03

  I love that. I know, I will, I want that.

• 17:27Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 17:28Speaker 03

  The VHS is crazy.

• 17:29Speaker 04

  Is it, is it a while?

• 17:30Speaker 03

  How did you find that?

• 17:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, is, is it a while? Yeah, it's so, and you know, this is another thing is, think of how many people have never held a VHS.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  That part. Actually, we even watch it? Is there even a VHS player now? I don't know.

• 17:41Speaker 04

  So, all right, so, so now I can see how life is shaping for you. And I can see how you've really leaned deep into film, almost, can I say, as escapism?

• 17:55Speaker 03

  A thousand percent.

• 17:55Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 17:56Speaker 03

  A thousand percent.

• 17:57Speaker 04

  So early teens is when a lot of us start to really build what our identity is. Like the story that we tell about ourselves. What was the story that you were telling about yourself around that thirteen age range that you believed was true?

• 18:14Speaker 03

  I think I really just wanted to like grow up. I, I was just like, I just wanna be an adult. I just wanna like get out of this, like get out of the house and just do stuff. And again, it's not even that my house was like, my household was like traumatizing cuz my brother was in sports. My sister had her dad that she would go see every other week and stuff. And so my mom was always working, so it really was like me alone a lot of the time. So I didn't mind that. I think I just wanted to grow up really fast. I think I wanted to just go ahead, but I loved, once again, going back to movies, like the Great Balls of Fire movie where, uh, it was about Jerry Lewis and he married his thirteen year old cousin. And I was like thirteen and I remember being like, I really, I thought my, I thought that was like my way out. Obviously, like marrying someone older at this age. So I was trying to think of like, so I'd have my dad, when I'd come visit him in the summer, like drive me up to Michael Jackson's house.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  I'd like wait outside and I'd be like, maybe, maybe like I'll find a celebrity who wants to marry me. Cuz I thought celebrities liked younger people, right? You hear about it in the news, Steven Tyler, all these people that. So I was like, well, if I find a celebrity, I'd write them letters. I would go stand outside their houses. Um, and I thought, I really thought that was like my out in life. It was like, oh, maybe I'll get married young. Like that was kinda what I was thinking cuz.

• 19:19Speaker 04

  So at thirteen?

• 19:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:21Speaker 04

  You're having your father drive you to Michael Jackson's home?

• 19:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 04

  And you would, what, sit outside?

• 19:28Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 19:28Speaker 04

  By yourself?

• 19:29Speaker 03

  Um, there would be lots of people out there. There would be like five or six fans. But yeah, it was in those Salivos cuz my dad lived in California. He didn't know what to do with me, I think. So he was like, okay, like once a week I could do something that I wanted to do. So that house was like very easy to find, like address wise. So I would like, and because other fans sat outside of it, I thought that obviously like, don't do that, like sit outside people's houses. But like, at the time, I thought it was like, okay, obviously, my dad didn't know either. He's like, well, just sit outside. And you know, you would see like Michael sometimes come out and stuff. So you heard stories back then of him like taking fans and like going to toy stores and stuff like that. So I was like, well, maybe I'll become his friend and like I'll live with him. Like that's what I thought. And specifically him, just cuz he was weirdly easily accessible compared to other. I would write to John Travolta and he'd send me back like a headshot.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  He wouldn't, but I couldn't like find his house, nor would he hang out with fans, you know?

• 20:16Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  So I was finding, yeah, but I, I carried the celebrity delusion for a long time. Like I really thought like, I'm gonna marry a celebrity and if you were not a celebrity, I didn't wanna date you. Like that was like my headspace for so long.

• 20:28Speaker 04

  And then also this older, cuz, cuz you keep mentioning to have someone older.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:33Speaker 04

  That was the drive.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  Always, yeah. So I mean, I never dated anyone under forty, like my entire life. Like I've never dated anyone, a teenager, twenty, twenties, nothing. Like I've always dated someone at least over forty, if not older.

• 20:45Speaker 04

  Older. So at, at what age did you start dating?

• 20:51Speaker 03

  What do you consider dating? I mean, I really like going on dates. I guess I was.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  I don't know. I mean, I never really went on dates, to be honest. Like, I. I really consider like my husband, like my first real relationship. Like, I never lived with the guy before him. Maybe my longest relationship might have been like a year or less. Like, it just, I didn't really go on dates.

• 21:14Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:15Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 21:16Speaker 03

  I never really dated.

• 21:17Speaker 04

  I mean, you, you, you were seeking.

• 21:21Speaker 04

  The love?

• 21:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, thousand percent.

• 21:23Speaker 04

  Of your father?

• 21:23Speaker 03

  Classic daddy issue, for sure.

• 21:25Speaker 04

  And, and, and it was being replaced by these other men?

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:29Speaker 04

  Right? And I would presume it wasn't love.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Not on their end. On my end, I thought I was in love. I was like sprung. I was like, this is it. Every relationship I had, I thought that this was it. I'm gonna get married and like, yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  It was not.

• 21:44Speaker 04

  Yes, yes. What about friendships at, at this time?

• 21:48Speaker 03

  No friends. None. Yeah, my, my mom didn't have friends, so I don't think I even knew what that would look like. Like, no one ever came to the house.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  I had people, maybe I sat with at lunch here and there. I don't know if I had like. I, I couldn't think of their names now. I couldn't think of like a core group of people. No one ever talks about me from high school, because I don't think people probably even remember that I went to school with them. Like, because I always think about that now. I'm always like, it's interesting. Nobody from high school would be like, I went to high school with Trish. Like, no one. It's weird. It's very odd.

• 22:24Speaker 04

  It, it, I, I find it intriguing.

• 22:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, same. I'm like, do people remember me? I don't know. Did I even go to school? Like, it was very bizarre, yeah.

• 22:31Speaker 04

  So, so you can't recall any close friends from, from high school?

• 22:36Speaker 03

  Mm-mm. No. No, I couldn't tell you one.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  You know, I, I, I can't think of having a conversation with someone around their high school, and they can't pinpoint the friend.

• 22:48Speaker 03

  Mm-mm.

• 22:49Speaker 04

  Which tells me that you were incredibly lonely.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, mm, mm-hmm.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  In this, this, this, this period of your life. Where was your safe space in your teens? Who, who could you go to?

• 23:03Speaker 04

  To be vulnerable with?

• 23:04Speaker 03

  No one. No one. I think you probably could relate, like, our parents, or I should like, I don't think believed in like therapy. I don't think they thought like they should talk to someone, or there's. I think they always knew something was wrong with me, especially when the lying started and stuff. They're like, something's wrong with her. Um, but never thought to like, talk to. Even like, my dad was super Catholic, like, let me talk to a priest, like, let me talk to somebody. Um, I don't know why they never. And I was always kind of told to, like, with my mom, don't tell my dad certain things. With my dad, don't tell my mom certain things. So, there was always like secrets and all these things like that. So, I think they just didn't want me to talk to anyone. And again, I don't think there was anything to expose on my parents' behalf, but they were very. I don't know.

• 23:47Speaker 03

  I wasn't close with like aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpa, like, nothing like that. So, I had no one to talk to.

• 23:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. You, you, you know, I mean, there, there's so many areas I can relate to where, uh, that was a time when families really kept their business indoors.

• 24:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:04Speaker 04

  Private, closed doors. And it was the biggest shame in the world to convey that you're going through any kind of challenge in your family.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  So, it was just shut it down. Don't say anything. Smile.

• 24:17Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:17Speaker 04

  Go out this house and smile.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  A thousand percent, yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  That's how I feel, too.

• 24:21Speaker 04

  Now, for, for, for, what I understand is, is that there were some traumatic experiences that happened.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  At the, was, was this at school?

• 24:30Speaker 03

  School.

• 24:31Speaker 04

  Okay. Are you open to talking about this?

• 24:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I can talk about it.

• 24:34Speaker 04

  Because this is during this time period.

• 24:35Speaker 03

  So, yeah, so that starts. My earliest, like, inappropriate interaction with the teacher was probably like eight.

• 24:43Speaker 04

  At eight?

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. So, it goes from about eight to about fourteen.

• 24:47Speaker 04

  So, is this in Byron? Or?

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Yes, Byron, Byron, mm-hmm.

• 24:52Speaker 04

  So, what happened? And, and only as much detail as you're comfortable speaking?

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I wanted to be careful, even when I talk about it in the book, is like, I took back a lot of detail because I romanticized student-teacher relationships from the media. Like, I would watch, again, like Kate Fear, he was her acting teacher. I would watch like these things and like really romanticize it. So, I was like, to me, none of these were inappropriate at the time. To me, I like.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  I, I enjoyed the attention, I suppose. I remember eight, you know, I remember a teacher, like, you know, sliding his hands in like my thighs and like squeezing them and, um, like talking to me, like, in front of everybody, like, you know, they would be doing, and he'd call me up and he'd like squeeze my thighs as he was talking to me and stuff like that. So, I thought, oh, okay, this is like kind of nice, like, at eight. You know, I was like, this is giving me attention. I didn't feel weird about it. I didn't feel weird about any of these interactions. It happened. It happened quite, it happened with a few different teachers. And it didn't feel weird until I got to be like twelve or thirteen, and like, boys would notice it, like, high school boy, or like, middle school boys. There was a teacher, I had like a water bra, and he would tell everybody, like, oh, look at Trish's boobs. They got bigger overnight. And he'd like squeeze them on the side and squeeze them in, like, in front of everybody.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  And I remember the boys being like, calling me like a slut. And I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what that meant at all. Um, but again, because of like movies and TV, I kind of thought, okay, this is kind of a good thing. Like, popular girls are slut. Like, I really. So, in all of this, I, I had crushes on a lot of my teachers. I had crushes on a lot of them. At the time, it was like, oh, I was putting myself in those positions. I also would be like very like flirty and like that kind of stuff. Um, because that's like just what I saw in movies, you know? Um. So, yeah, I, I have a really big stance on it today when I see movies. There was one with Jenna Rataiga and her college professor. Like, anything about students and teachers, I, I get the big ick. Even, even Glee, Mr. Schuster singing like Young Girl to like Liam.

• 26:49Speaker 03

  I'm just like, I have such an ick, and I didn't want my book to like, give anyone the inkling that it was like romantic, even though I thought of it at the time as being romantic.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  Right.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  I was like, oh, this is wonderful. This is great. And I just didn't want to like lean into that. But it's also hard for me to lean into it in any other way, because I didn't look at it as trauma, even though I can now, having kids, be like, those fucking assholes, you know? But.

• 27:13Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 27:14Speaker 03

  I didn't feel it at the time. And I, I don't know if I feel it that much now. More, more embarrassment and like shame than trauma.

• 27:23Speaker 04

  Okay. Do you, but, but clearly you see it as inappropriate.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  Yes, of course now, yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 04

  And, and clearly you see it as those teachers.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:34Speaker 04

  Completely crossed the line.

• 27:36Speaker 03

  Completely.

• 27:36Speaker 04

  And it was the teachers.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 27:38Speaker 04

  And you understand the fact that you had no responsibility in that?

• 27:43Speaker 03

  I see it now. I see it now. I think I feel the guilt because I didn't see it at the time. Or I didn't think anything is wrong, or I didn't say something sooner. I really talk to my daughters about it now, too. So, that's the only reason I started talking about it at all. It's like, if people want to call me a liar, they can call me a liar. But maybe there'll be a girl out there that's eight or ten or twelve, or someone like listening and, or a mom to teach their daughter to be like, the touching situation is not okay.

• 28:07Speaker 04

  It's inappropriate, yeah. And for, and for the little boys as well?

• 28:09Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, a thousand percent, thank you, yes. That hundred percent. I think we should definitely teach that, too, to our, our, our boys, as well as the consent and the touching and.

• 28:19Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 28:20Speaker 03

  Saying something, because the, the, the boys in my school saw, saw it. They made fun of me for it. Now, they're little boys, do they have to say something? No, I'm glad a female teacher did. But it's like, if you see some, if you see something, to also like say something and not make fun of someone who's going through, or like laugh at them, or.

• 28:37Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 28:37Speaker 03

  That stuff, yeah.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  Absolutely, absolutely. All right, so now, um, you then, did you graduate from high school in, in Illinois?

• 28:46Speaker 03

  Yes, it was in Pecatonica, my second high school, yeah.

• 28:48Speaker 04

  Pecatonica, okay.

• 28:49Speaker 03

  And I, I did leave the day of my graduation with my dad. He came and took me, like, I went to my high school graduation, I like walked the stage, and then we flew on a plane to LA, like, truly like hours later.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  And why is it that you moved immediately to California?

• 29:01Speaker 03

  I was having issues with my mom, because she was in a relationship with this awful guy that was, ended up like stalking them and stuff like that. He was awful. He was walking around our house naked. He was doing most, and he was, he was horrible. So, I just wanted to like, get out as fast as I could. Stuff was packed, like, everything was shipped to my dad's, like, I'm like, get me out of here.

• 29:19Speaker 04

  Okay. Now, when you got to, was it LA?

• 29:22Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:22Speaker 04

  All right. Was your thought, okay, now, I'm going to be this movie star. I'm going to be famous.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 04

  As I've always dreamt.

• 29:30Speaker 03

  Yes. Not a doubt in my mind. I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a star. So, my dad, I call it LA. My dad grew up, like, he lived in like, kind of the Riverside area, so it's like a little bit, it's like an hour or two out of LA. Um, wouldn't like let me drive to LA. He thought it was dangerous and scary, and he's like, you're not gonna drive to LA. But I was very determined. So, I get on Craigslist, literally the day I move out here, I'm looking for auditions. I got booked on this show called The Greg Baron Show within weeks of moving to California. Um, and I was like, wow, I got to be on TV for the first time. It's shot at the Culver's, uh, the Sony Studios in Culver City. Um, so that was really a big deal.

• 30:05Speaker 04

  And what were you doing on that show?

• 30:07Speaker 03

  So, they were looking, it was like a talk show. He wrote the book, he's just not that into you. It only lasted a season, but it was like a talk show, kind of like.

• 30:12Speaker 04

  Yes, I do remember this.

• 30:14Speaker 03

  Do you remember? It's very niche.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  Yes, I do remember it.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  He was like Oprah's favorite thing, so he became a big deal. Everyone's like, wow, Greg Baron is like the best. He wrote, he's just not that into you.

• 30:22Speaker 04

  That was during the time when everyone was getting the talk show?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 30:25Speaker 04

  Everybody got a talk show series?

• 30:27Speaker 03

  Steve from like Jerry Springer was getting one, like, everybody, yeah. It's so funny now how like, the talk show is dead. I mean, this is the talk show, I suppose now, because like, that was the goal, maybe. I don't know if you have had that goal, but I always wanted to be a talk show. I want to be Rosie O'Donnell. I wanted to be.

• 30:39Speaker 04

  Oprah.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh, everything. That was the goal.

• 30:42Speaker 04

  The, the goal was to get on Oprah's couch.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  Have you ever met her? Have you interviewed her?

• 30:45Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I worked with Oprah.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  What? Where? How?

• 30:49Speaker 04

  I did. You know, my first TV project ever, Oprah, she, she plucked me out of, out of YouTube.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  No way.

• 30:58Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 30:58Speaker 03

  She still has the power.

• 30:59Speaker 04

  She, she has the power.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  She has the power. She's the, oh my God, she's the everything. I do love seeing her. She's been doing like Kiki Palmer, she's been doing the podcast. I'm like, I love seeing Oprah just doing podcasts.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:07Speaker 03

  She's adapting.

• 31:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly.

• 31:09Speaker 03

  Which I think, yeah, not everybody is, yeah.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  Not everybody did.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:11Speaker 04

  But that was, I remember that. And now I remember the show.

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  So, yeah, so he was, it was a big deal. So, I got on his show, and yeah, he was like a relationship back some of a weirdly kind. It was, it was a little like Ricky Lake in the sense where they were like.

• 31:24Speaker 04

  That's another one, Ricky Lake?

• 31:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, I loved Ricky Lake, the train wrecks of it all. So, I was like, it was giving kind of that, and they were looking for someone who was like, too much, I think is what they said. They're like, do you have a sibling who's too much, and you want to give them a make under? Like, call The Greg Baron Show. And it was a Craigslist ad. And so, I wrote my own email. I said I was my brother. I was like, oh, my sister is so crazy. Like, she's obsessed with pink, and she talks so fast, and she's a dumb bimbo. Like, I was just like typing all this stuff. And then they call. I said, "Call my sister to find out how crazy she is." So then I get a 310 number on my phone and I was like, "Oh, my gosh, they're calling." So I like pick it up and then they're like, "Hi, this is Roz from The Greg Barrett Show." And I was just like, "Oh, my God, like, hi, what, who are you?" And then like, "Your brother submitted..." My brother, oh, my God, my brother's so dumb. Like, I was being so...

• 32:10Speaker 03

  And then I started talking really fast. I was like, "Oh, my God, let me just tell you about my pink-up session." So I just started going and just being over the top. Literally, the next day, they come with like a camera crew to like... It was like a week later, because they were like, "We're gonna come film." And I said I had an all-pink apartment and I didn't, I was living in my dad's guesthouse. And then I asked my dad, I'm like, "Can you buy me a bunch of pink stuff? So it looks like I'm like obsessed with pink." And I did love pink, I just didn't have pink stuff. And so he got it. And like, yeah, a couple of days later, they came to film B-roll at our house. And then two days later, I got to go to this, the soundstage. And, um, and it was really great. And I felt like such a star, because they gave me the make-under. But then, as part of my reward for going, I had to talk to a vocal coach about slowing down my speech and stuff, like, all on the show. It was like weird. I talked to like, it was very weird. A lot happened. But by the end of it, they're like, "You wanna be an actress." I was like, "Yes, that's what I wanna be."

• 32:54Speaker 03

  They, I, they gave me a walk-on role. They were shooting next to Las Vegas. The show was on the same lot. So it's like, "You can have a walk-on role on Las Vegas."

• 33:01Speaker 04

  Oh, my goodness.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I never got it.

• 33:03Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  But I was excited. So anyways, I didn't get the walk-on role, but they did ask me to come back. And I got to come back like a couple of weeks later. And I got to do stuff like man-on-the-street stuff for them, which was really fun. Um, I got to go to Hollywood Boulevard and do like little like bits. So that was really great.

• 33:17Speaker 04

  I mean, Trisha, can we just spend a second? This is, I think this is huge.

• 33:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was huge. I thought that, too.

• 33:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, for someone who has aspired to always want to be on the camera.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:27Speaker 04

  Right? And to be booked for a TV show.

• 33:31Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:32Speaker 04

  And then to be asked back on that TV, that's big.

• 33:35Speaker 03

  Oh, for sure. I was like, "Wow, they love me." Like, that's great. And I didn't even have to go back and be like... I think they knew it was a character, because when I went back, they had me like, I would go up to people on the streets and tell them they look like celebrities. And they would kind of tell me, like, "Oh, tell these twins they look like Mary-Kate and Ashley." Like, obviously, Roz was my producer, I loved her. I don't know where she is now, but she was great. She had a look at me, she was amazing. And she would like tell me to go up to people and like do these jokes. So I was like playing this like bimbo character, but I think they kind of knew it was a character. Um, but yeah, they had me come back and I was like, "Wow, I'm sorry." And they wanted me to come back again a third time. But my, my stepmom, it was a whole thing. It's such a long story. It's, I talk about it in my book. But like, basically, like, the second time my stepmom comes up with me, they tell her she has to wait at the studio while we go to the Hollywood Boulevard. She was not having that. My dad was pissed. They're like, "You never went back to L.A. again." And I was like, "Okay."

• 34:18Speaker 03

  So then when they called me to go back a third time, I was like, "I'm out. I'm just leaving." So, yeah, then I went to L.A. by myself. And stayed there, because I wasn't allowed to come back.

• 34:28Speaker 04

  Really? So, so you left?

• 34:29Speaker 03

  I left, yeah. Mm-hmm, yeah. Kind of got kicked out. He like slowly but surely started taking away like the car, the internet, like the credit card, like it does everything, which is... And my mom, shout out my mom, she did, she, she had, no, she never had any money, but she gave me her last like 800 bucks to put a deposit down on my first apartment in Hollywood.

• 34:48Speaker 04

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• 35:08Speaker 04

  What did you think that you were going to do for income at that time?

• 35:12Speaker 03

  I had no idea. No one told me about income. That was another thing. No one told me about money or working. I had no money. I, I think I had a bank account, but I had, I had nothing in it.

• 35:21Speaker 04

  Right.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  I think my dad set me up with one when I first moved to California with him a couple of weeks, a couple of months prior. But, I don't know. My dad, my mom was like, "I can send you my Discover card." They had like an $800 limit, so I was kind of putting gas on there. And, yeah, I didn't know, I didn't know what income. My neighbor was Hollywood Superman. He would collect tips on the Boulevard.

• 35:39Speaker 04

  Hollywood Superman?

• 35:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:40Speaker 04

  Um, that's in, in the stands in front of the theater?

• 35:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:44Speaker 04

  Really?

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Yes, he was the one. He had a documentary back in 2007 called The Fashion of a Superhero.

• 35:48Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 35:49Speaker 03

  He was very, he was like the Superman. His name was Christopher Dennis. And he lived right across the door from me in the same apartment buildings. And he's like, he's kind of like a, he's kind of like my Harvey Keitel, but platonic. And he was very much like, "Hey." He was like my pimp. He was like, "Do you wanna go out and like make some money?" And I was like, "Sure." Like, again, this felt like a movie to me. And I was like, "Okay, this is my Taxi Driver moment." And he was like, "Great, just wear this." So he gave me like a Supergirl costume. And I, he was on Jimmy Kimmel at the time, too. Jimmy Kimmel used the superheroes all the time. And so that was also an after show, before it was Segaftra. And he's like, "You can come on Jimmy Kimmel's show." So he got me on Jimmy Kimmel and those kind of things. But we would stand out on the Boulevard, 6:00, 8:00 a.m. to like 8:00 p.m., like asking for tips for photos. So I did that for a while.

• 36:28Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:29Speaker 04

  What, what kind of money did, did you make? And, and, and what was that experience like? Like, what did it teach you? Because you're interacting with all kinds of people.

• 36:39Speaker 03

  You know what? I was really shy. So like, I would go out with Superman, um, and he, he would ask people for tips. Because you had to kind of ask people they didn't know, like, "Hey, we work on tips." So he would ask and he'd give me a percentage. So he would, I don't know how much money he was making, I would give $40 a day.

• 36:54Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:55Speaker 04

  So you get $40 a day, 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. It's hard work.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  It's hard work. We were out there. But I felt a little famous. Like, I, I used to envision, like, in Byron, I used to like, I used to pretend to take pictures with the fans. I used to be like, you know, in the hallway, I'd be like this. I'd be like, so it kind of felt like that to me. I was like, "Oh, these are kind of like my fans."

• 37:13Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 37:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I felt kind of cool.

• 37:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, because they want to take a photo with you.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That one, yeah, I got to do, so I was doing the superhero gig or whatever. And Roz, from The Greg Barrett Show, started producing another show called Who Wants to be a Superhero? So I was able to do that. So I was kind of like bouncing around shows a lot. But after the Who Wants to be a Superhero ended, I got kicked off really quick, like two weeks. I thought that was like my claim to fame, I was gonna get money.

• 37:38Speaker 04

  Was that a reality show?

• 37:39Speaker 03

  It was a reality show with Stan Lee on SyFy. It was his show where he was picking his next superhero.

• 37:43Speaker 04

  Oh, my gosh.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  I knew nothing about superheroes, but I was like pretending.

• 37:46Speaker 04

  Stan Lee, yeah.

• 37:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was really cool. He was really nice and great. Um, and I thought it was gonna be like my big break, but it wasn't. I was on MySpace at the time, so I was DMing celebrities as I would do. That's how I met Quentin. It was Eli Ross on my MySpace page. So I was like just DMing everybody. I was like, "Oh, my God, okay, this is my ticket to meeting celebrities."

• 38:02Speaker 04

  And, and if I can ask Trisha, why were you DMing the, the celebrities? What was the goal?

• 38:06Speaker 03

  I kind of get a date, a marriage or a baby or something. I was trying to get something, you know? I thought that was, that was, that's the only way I was gonna get money is dating or marrying a celebrity, I thought.

• 38:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Or being in a movie or something, I don't know.

• 38:19Speaker 04

  And, and, uh, and you were able to meet celebrities that way? So, so some responded to you?

• 38:25Speaker 03

  A lot did, a lot did.

• 38:27Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  And they would respond and, and like, in particular, what did you write? And if you could give me an example of like who you wrote to and what you wrote?

• 38:36Speaker 03

  It would depend on who it was. So if it was like someone in the movie industry, maybe I would send like a headshot or like a, you know, like a little description. I would, I would make up a resume. I lied to, I said, "I was in the movie Titanic, James Cameron, I was six years old, I was in the movie 300." Like, I was like just making up movies that I was in. So I would send resumes. But if it was someone, this era was like a little bit of rock stars. I really thought like I was gonna be, I really loved like Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee. So I was like writing to like old rock stars. So I was writing to like Alice Cooper. I was writing to like all these people. Um, and I'd be a little more like flirty. I'd be like, "Hey, like, love you, huge fan." And I'd have like a really sexy MySpace picture and, yeah. And I would be messaging back and forth. Some I would meet up in real life and then, um, some were just messages, yeah.

• 39:19Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 39:19Speaker 03

  But like Eli, for instance, just saw my page of loving Quentin Tarantino and he invited me to the screening where Quentin was gonna be and introduced me to him. So that was like my first interaction at 18 of being like, like a celebrity saw me. And they were big at the time. Now it's a little, a little, if you're a little questionable, but...

• 39:32Speaker 04

  But also, especially if you grew up with Pulp Fiction.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:35Speaker 04

  Is, you know, that's the Holy Grail for you.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:38Speaker 04

  And then to meet Quentin Tarantino, that was, yeah, that must have been...

• 39:41Speaker 03

  It was huge. And I, I was known as Grindhouse Barbie on MySpace. The movie Grindhouse was coming out, which was a Quentin movie. And so I really was trying to market myself towards that. And so like, yeah, I got to like run in that circle for a minute. Um, and I was just very shy, though. As much as I was like, "I wanna marry, I wanna get pregnant by these," like whatever. I was really, really shy. And so I didn't, I wasn't able to put myself out there. I wasn't able to put myself out there until I started doing like pills and that kind of stuff, which I didn't know anything about at this point. I'm very like clean, like I know nothing about drugs or alcohol at this point.

• 40:13Speaker 04

  Okay, really? So no alcohol at this point?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  No, I was so scared of it.

• 40:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was scared of everything. I was scared of sex, I was scared of everything at this point.

• 40:20Speaker 04

  Okay. Have you, if, if I can ask, have you had sex?

• 40:23Speaker 03

  Hmm, not...

• 40:25Speaker 04

  At this point?

• 40:26Speaker 03

  Not really. There was inappropriate stuff when I was a kid, but it wasn't penetration.

• 40:33Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 40:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:34Speaker 04

  So we are talking, uh, late teens, uh, 20 right now?

• 40:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would say, this is like 18.

• 40:39Speaker 04

  This is 18?

• 40:40Speaker 03

  This is 18.

• 40:41Speaker 04

  Okay. So this is 18. This is, this is all very interesting. So, so then the TV route's not working, because of those failed shows.

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:49Speaker 04

  Uh, so then, what's the other route?

• 40:52Speaker 03

  So then, I messaged Alice Cooper and he gives me a message back. And I'm like, "Wow, this is crazy, I'm chatting with Alice Cooper, this is odd." And then a couple of messages in, he tells me like, "I'm, I'm not Alice Cooper, I'm his personal assistant of 20 years. And, um, but I really think you're cute and I would love to go out with you." And I was like, "Okay." So then I go out with this guy and these are my two platonic guys. I never had sex with him, his name's Brian. And, um, he, he kind of, he, he really liked me. He really liked me. He's like, "You are like a star." And I was like, "Wow, this is so amazing." And he did introduce me to Alice Cooper. I got to go to a lot of Alice Cooper shows and stuff like that. I didn't really care that much about Alice Cooper, but I thought, "Oh, he's a celebrity," like whatever, you know? So he, you know, he was who he said he was. But he, um, he was like, "You are a star, like you should be on billboards, you should do this." He was very much that person.

• 41:36Speaker 03

  So he, I was like, "Yeah, but I have like no money, like I have no money." And he really didn't have money. So he was just kind of like, "You, you should be like a stripper. You should, you should go down to like, Seventh Fail was such a big thing, right?" And of course, you know, Seventh Fail from like Girls, Girls, Girls, you like know all these famous strip clubs. And so I was like, "Oh, okay, maybe that's why I'll like meet this guy or I meet a rich man or something." So he kind of got me on there. Obviously, I knew of stripping from like Strip Tees. I loved Burt Reynolds, like one of my favorite movies was Strip Tees. And like, I was like, "Maybe I'll meet like Burt Reynolds there." Um, didn't meet Burt Reynolds, but not at a strip club. And I, I thought that was kind of my next route.

• 42:10Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Um, and then, yeah.

• 42:12Speaker 04

  But if I, so, so you are, but, okay, so you are shy.

• 42:16Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:17Speaker 04

  You have, you, it sounds like you don't really have a social circle here.

• 42:20Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:21Speaker 04

  You're really here by yourself.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:24Speaker 04

  Um, are you a dancer?

• 42:26Speaker 03

  No. I'm not a dancer. I have a very lopsided boob, so I don't look good naked. I have like a D cup and a B cup. Like, I'm very lopsided, very awkward. I don't know how, I've never talked to guys, never. I, I think I've had sex like twice at this point, because I just felt like I should get it over with. I always wanted to be a virgin until I was married, oddly enough. And it was actually Greg Barrett. I remember watching his show, and he gave someone advice that being a virgin like wasn't cool, that like you need to get some experience and you wanna, you wanna have, you wanna have someone with experience before you marry them. And I was like, okay, I should probably have sex. So inadvertently, he gave me that advice. It was through his TV show. But I was like, I need to have sex. So I think I was trying to have sex with people. Um, and then, yeah, and then when I found out I wasn't a great dancer, or I wasn't that attractive as a stripper, I thought sex might be the way to go.

• 43:11Speaker 04

  Sure. So, but even in the, the route of becoming a stripper is that must have felt very uncomfortable for you to walk down there. And, and what was that experience like, applying?

• 43:27Speaker 03

  I mean, I, I was introduced to pills, and I, I actually don't know what I was given. But my neighbor Superman, he was really big into crack. He was like a real big crackhead, like he really was. Very sweet, very kind, but yeah. So he was giving me stuff, not crack, but he was giving me pills. And then Brian as well. He would be like, he went to my first audition with me, and then I remember him being like, you need to like loosen up more. And so I was given stuff. And at the time, no idea. I couldn't even tell you the color of them. Like, now I'm a pill expert. I could tell you if it's a benzo, like I can tell you all those things, but back then I was like, couldn't even tell you. No recollection, yeah.

• 43:59Speaker 04

  Now, do you know what it was that you were given?

• 44:02Speaker 03

  Honestly, I don't know. To me, it's like stuff I've never taken. I would, I've never knowingly taken a Quaalude, but when I hear about, I'm like, where have, was I given Quaaludes back then? Because it was very just like, I could have sex with anyone, you know what I mean? It was one of those things where I'm like, I don't remember it. It felt like you were like hit by a bus the next day. So I'm not sure. I've never taken anything willingly like that later on in life that I'm like, felt that way. So I don't know.

• 44:27Speaker 04

  So, so you started taking it. What was the rea, the reason was because these, these two men were telling you, you need to loosen up? Or?

• 44:36Speaker 03

  Uh, it was more like, this will make you feel like a lot better. I was very stressed and anxious, and they're like, you're gonna feel like better. And they were very like loosey people that I was like, maybe. So I felt weirdly protected by both of them. Obviously, they were giving me drugs. I don't know if that was just the scene in Hollywood or what. But I felt like, like a more brotherly than like romantic or anything like that with them. So I felt like they were, had my best interest. They would always kinda, like Superman would drive me, when I started doing like more sex work on like streets and stuff like that, he would drive me and pick me up, sort of thing. Um, so, he's like, if you're gonna take this, he's like, let me pick you up. But he was definitely like that.

• 45:15Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  And it was never, never sex, nothing like that. So I felt safe in a weird way.

• 45:20Speaker 04

  Okay, okay. Um, and so you, did you take these pills before your first, is it an audition in the, in the strip club?

• 45:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, my first, my very first one, no. And then I think by the second, because they told me no, like, not you. Like, I was, I was rejected. I had to go to the valley. I had to go to Van Nuys to become a stripper. So the, the Hollywood ones, I, I think Body Shop took me for, was it Body Shop or Seven Fail? One of them took me for like, a little bit. And then they were like, no, you suck, you're not getting any dances. So when I, yeah, when I had to continue my stripper career, I had to go out to the valley. So, Van Nuys, they're not even there anymore. Godfathers. The Spearman Rhino of Van Nuys rejected me, but Godfathers took me.

• 46:00Speaker 04

  So it's like the further out you go, what is it? Is it like the, the, the less talented?

• 46:06Speaker 03

  Well, just, I mean, it's, yeah, you're getting not attractive, not talented. It's giving, it's giving prostitution for the most part, like just, and not, not high end. You're not Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, like.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 46:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  Okay. So, so in that moment, do you remember the first time that you stripped?

• 46:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I remember like sober wise. I mean, again, I was only like one or two auditions or dances. I remember before I started taking like pills more frequently, um, it was awkward. I couldn't go up to people. As a stripper, you need to go up and you need to hustle and get dances, and I couldn't. I wouldn't even go on stage. I was very much like in the corner waiting for people to approach me, which is like, you'll never get a dance like that, no matter how hot you are. And I was not hot.

• 46:53Speaker 04

  You, you, you, you just felt uncomfortable?

• 46:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. I was just like a wallflower. I was just hoping some guy would come up and like offered to pay me to just sit with me or something. Like, that's what I was hoping. So the first few times sober, that's what I remember.

• 47:04Speaker 04

  Okay, okay. And then, so what was it that compelled you to keep doing it? What, it was, was it simply the money, or was it more than that?

• 47:11Speaker 03

  So, yeah, so those times where I was sober and I wasn't getting dances, Brian would come in and like tip me and just for like, so it looked like I had some customer. So that was like my incentive. I was like, well, if you're gonna come in and just tip me. Um, so, but then, like I said, once I started, he was giving me these pills, once I started getting the pills, I was more like, I was able to get more, um, more dances and also do more stuff outside of the club, too.

• 47:35Speaker 04

  Okay. So it was you taking these pills that then put you on another track to sex work? So, so how, how did that?

• 47:49Speaker 04

  How did that happen?

• 47:50Speaker 03

  I remember a girl in the strip club, um, she told me like, hey, if you wanna make like good money, like you gotta, you gotta go outside the club. You gotta, I know this guy, I know this. So she would kinda like hook me up with some people, and then I would, you know, hang out with them or whatever. And then truly the corner of Santa Monica and Highland was also another corner where we could just be for sale, basically.

• 48:15Speaker 04

  Okay, okay. Do you, do you remember the first, your first experience as a sex worker?

• 48:23Speaker 03

  I do. I, I remember, I did ta, I was on, I was on something that my neighbor Superman gave me. I was on something and I, I, I don't remember much other than

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Superman dropping me off and picking me up. Like, I remember getting in cars, waiting around. I remember the other people around and stuff like that, but that's kind of it. I just remember, I don't remember, like,

• 48:50Speaker 03

  the actual anything, the acts, the trend. Like, I don't even know if I was collecting money, like, I don't know any of that. I remember, I remember having some money at the end of it, maybe like a hundred bucks or something like that. So I don't remember it much.

• 49:02Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:03Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 49:04Speaker 03

  So I was doing that. I would go in, there was that Ralph's parking lot in Sunset Boulevard that was very popular for these kind of like interactions, and I would get the money upfront. Those became like more violent, like those were more like, um, people would come, give you the money upfront, you do whatever you do, and then it became like more violent. And that's when I was trying to get out of that work, because I was like, oh, I don't know. And I wasn't remembering it. I would just wake up and like bruised jaw and like all these things like that. And you're just like, what the hell happened? I mean, I would wake up in people's trucks and houses and just all these things. Yeah.

• 49:41Speaker 04

  Okay. And, and this is, um, how old are you at this time?

• 49:45Speaker 03

  This is like eighteen to twenty.

• 49:49Speaker 04

  Eighteen to twenty?

• 49:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Oh, I think, gosh, eighteen.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:53Speaker 04

  When, when you think about that year, right, how do you think that year changed you? Because I mean, it must have dramatically changed.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  I think completely. I think it changed everything about me. I think it changed the chemicals in my brain. I think it changed everything. I don't think it, I forgot everything, everybody, anything, anybody I was before then. So when you ask me about like high school, I don't have any recollection of how I felt, what I thought of myself. I can look at pictures and kinda like remember, obviously, but like,

• 50:26Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 50:26Speaker 03

  Um, I think it just rewired me completely. At those two years I was in Hollywood, eighteen to twenty, like, I got mugged, I got sexually assaulted coming home from work. I used to work at the Hollywood High and Mall. I would cross and I, um, I mean, it was, it was rough.

• 50:43Speaker 04

  Did, did you see a, a future for yourself?

• 50:48Speaker 03

  Well, weirdly, yes. I was like, God, I really feel like I meant to be in LA. I, I went home with my dad for a little while, so he found me in that same apartment. I was like covered in like feces and pee, and he took me to a hospital. I was in Riverside Hospital for about a month. This is like Christmas time of two thousand seven, two thousand eight. And, um, he takes me back. And so he's like, okay, you can, you can stay with us, but you gotta go back to school. So I tried to go back to school, but it was that calling. I was like, God, I really feel like I should be in LA. Like, I really feel like I can still do it. And I'm like, now I'm twenty. And I was like, maybe I can still do this. So because of the show Who Wants to be a Superhero, I'm able to do Comic Cons, like the Comic Con circuit. So I'm able to travel while I'm staying with my dad. And that's where I meet my first, um, I would consider boyfriend.

• 51:33Speaker 03

  I don't know what he would consider it.

• 51:34Speaker 04

  Okay. And, and, and so, um, and I want to talk about him, because that was a mind blowing to me. But prior to that, is, did the kidnapping happening, happened prior to this?

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Yes. So kidnappings, adult napping, I don't know what happened.

• 51:48Speaker 04

  Kidnappings?

• 51:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 51:50Speaker 04

  Floral?

• 51:50Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. I guess abduction. I don't know. I'm not a kid at this point, but I guess, yeah, I'm a teenager. Uh, yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 04

  You were abducted multiple times?

• 51:59Speaker 03

  I would say, this is from the club, so I should say like, yes, someone got me and they're. Car and drove me a place where I didn't know where I was. I guess that's an abduction, I'm not sure. I considered it kidnappings, maybe I'm using it too loosely, I don't know, but.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't think you're using it, that that's an abduction.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:17Speaker 04

  So, against your will?

• 52:18Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  They placed you in a truck?

• 52:20Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  And then drove you?

• 52:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:22Speaker 04

  Somewhere?

• 52:22Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:23Speaker 04

  So, so that happened while you were in the club?

• 52:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:25Speaker 04

  Uh, there was also, uh, well, one, I wasn't even aware of that one, but something in a home? In a basement?

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, that's later on, that's two thousand nine.

• 52:34Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know where we're progressing, but yes, that was, uh, yes, that was in a basement at, um, that was at gunpoint. That was my, yeah, that was, that one was crazy.

• 52:43Speaker 04

  It was at gunpoint?

• 52:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:45Speaker 04

  Can you, can you expand on that?

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is a little bit further along, this is when my mom's out here and I kinda have like this like sugar daddy. I meet him through Superman, he like takes pictures of us and stuff like that, and I kinda have like this sugar daddy that pays me to kinda just hang out with him and take pictures of me, and we had done that for a while. And specifically the basement and so I had gone to his house a lot, and, um, he'd always pay me like five hundred bucks just to hang out with him, eat these little like madeleine cookies and stuff like that, and I was kinda pulling away from him because it was getting a little like, he was want, he was being just like a little too much. He was just being like, I picked out a wedding dress for you, like it was being a lot, and he's very old, he's like sixties, maybe seventies, um, like a veteran, so, yeah, I think he had some traumas and PTSD, I had a lot of issues.

• 53:28Speaker 03

  Um, so, I was very much, ooh, um, so I think he felt me pulling away, but he's like, if you can just come back to my place, like I, I have money for you, um, you know, I bought you a bunch of, like, I needed a new computer, I need a new phone. He's like, he kinda like lured me back in there that way, I was like, alright, whatever. He's like showing me stuff, and yeah, that one, um, he comes out and he shows me, like, yeah, he shows me this like gun and how it has like a silencer on it, and, um, that one, and I wanted to like leave, and he's like, no, no, like, don't leave. Like, then I got scared, and then he think he got like kinda scared, he's like, well, just help me with something downstairs. And truly, like a movie, I feel like I, I feel like I manifested this in so many ways because I watched these Lifetime movies,

• 54:10Speaker 03

  and I romanticized them, I was obsessed with like these Richard Grieco movies and a girl in a basement, and the exact thing was happening, and I watched these movies, you'd think I would know, he's like, could you just help me with something like in the basement?

• 54:22Speaker 04

  So you know, or you feel something's not right?

• 54:26Speaker 03

  I weirdly don't, which is the crazy thing on this situation, I, he's like pushing me down, locked it. Yeah, and there's no windows, there's nothing. I, I would guess two days past. Yeah, it, it, it's, it's, it's about to get dark.

• 54:41Speaker 04

  He, he never opened the door? Never?

• 54:44Speaker 03

  He never opened the door, he did on the final time, and then I was able to convince him to like get me out then, so there was, and he's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm like, I will not say anything, I will not say anything. And so then I was able to get out, I'm like, I, I, like, I'm here for you, I'm like your friend, like you, I, I would tell him, like, you were the only person there for me, like, my mom loves you, and she did, and my mom and sister had met him, like.

• 55:11Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I was like, yeah, so I was able to get out that way, and he's like, just don't, I'm like, I'm not gonna tell anyone.

• 55:17Speaker 04

  What's going through your mind at, at, at, at that moment?

• 55:22Speaker 03

  I, I, I did think that I could die, and I think at the time, I realized I didn't want to. I was like, I think for so much of my life, like the, as a kid, I felt if I died, I died, I wasn't scared of death, and same thing at eighteen, nineteen, I'm like, I could die, every time, I was so close, I mean, I almost overdosed when my dad found me in that apartment, whatever, I was just like, if I died, I, I think that was like a moment where I'm like, I don't wanna die. I feel like I was lucky compared to a lot of people that had those abductions, right, those kinda kidnapped, but in a sense, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't physically harmed by him or anything like that, so I think I was really, really lucky.

• 55:58Speaker 04

  What I find, um, so intriguing about this conversation so far is you have, uh, talked about severely traumatic events, event after event after event after event, and you're almost casually talking about them, and I think it's because so many of them were happening to you, that it almost feels, and you tell me if I'm wrong on this, it almost feels like it was normalized.

• 56:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 56:31Speaker 04

  It was just normal.

• 56:32Speaker 03

  It doesn't, I also compare trauma to other people, I'm like, it's not that bad. You know, I hear people like survive being tortured, so I'm like, oh, I wasn't tortured.

• 56:42Speaker 04

  Do you see him again?

• 56:44Speaker 03

  I see him one more time, kind of running on Hollywood Boulevard, and I, it's very brief. He's got some scissors and I run, like, I'm in a Hollywood Boulevard like souvenir shop. He's like, Trisha? Hey, and then I just bolt.

• 56:59Speaker 04

  He has scissors in his hand?

• 57:00Speaker 03

  He has scissors in his hand, I don't know if he's gonna like, I don't think he's trying to stab me with his scissors, but like, why are you carrying scissors in a souvenir shop? And I was just like, and I remember that was the last image I saw of him, and I ran, I ran to the street, um, and I got a Uber back to Sherman Oaks where I lived with my mom, and I was like, I just saw this guy and he had scissors, and I'm like, we need to lock the doors, and that was the last time I saw him.

• 57:21Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:22Speaker 04

  Okay. In, in, in these stories so far, also, what I'm picking up is, I've heard no relationship with any women.

• 57:31Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 57:32Speaker 04

  Outside of your mother, outside of your, your sister.

• 57:34Speaker 03

  None, right. None.

• 57:37Speaker 04

  None? Just men?

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Just all men. Mm-hmm, and I think that is a huge issue, it's another thing that I'm like, I think I, my mom had always issues with women, and kind of like that came on to me, where like, women are haters, and women are this, and they're judgy, so I never had, yeah, I never had like a real

• 57:58Speaker 03

  female, now I'm surrounded completely by females, like, I'm just like, if you're a man, like, get away from me, I even, I, I have issues, but, um, yeah, it's like my, everybody around me, everyone I work with is females, it's all females, and it's changed my life for the better so much. I wish I would've had some female figure in my life.

• 58:16Speaker 04

  And this through line of this search for the love of a man keeps recurring

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:24Speaker 04

  in your story early on, and then you said it was Comic-Con?

• 58:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:29Speaker 04

  That you then meet, is it, at, this is twenty?

• 58:32Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:33Speaker 04

  So this is then what you would consider to be your first

• 58:36Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:37Speaker 04

  romantic relationship? And this one?

• 58:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  When I, when I was doing the research, I could not believe this.

• 58:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:47Speaker 04

  I could not believe, because I remember watching this guy.

• 58:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:51Speaker 04

  On TV?

• 58:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:53Speaker 04

  So, so what, who, who did you meet? And what happened?

• 58:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, I met Anthony Michael Hall at the Long Beach Comic-Con, and, again, I'm like a movie buff, so like I recognized him, um, he was probably the most famous at these Comic-Cons, the other people were like the voice of Charlie Brown or the face of Michael Myers, so I was like, oh. And yeah, he, he like called me over to his booth. I was also working at Who Wants to be a Superhero, but I was kinda like wandering the floor, and he called me over to his booth, and I thought that was, it was like the first guy to ever like hit on me. I never got asked out on a date, I never was on dates the whole time I was doing sex work, none of that, so I was like, wow, and he's rich, he's famous in my mind, and I was like, wow, this is, this is it, this is my happily ever after.

• 59:38Speaker 04

  This is it?

• 59:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:39Speaker 04

  So then how did that relationship progress?

• 59:42Speaker 03

  Fast, it was very much like, he asked me out that night, that next night after the Comic-Con was over, he invited me to his place, he had like a condo on the beach, and I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. Told me he loved me the first night, he's like, I love you, and I was like, I love you, like, it was like, oh my god, we're in love. Um, and then I did have to tell him that I had to go to the strip club, I was hoping he'd be like, oh, I'll just pay you to stay with me, you know, like, whatever the case is, and he got really upset that I had to leave him, he's like, you need to tell me if you're gonna leave me, first twenty-four hours of meeting, he's like, you have to tell me if you're gonna leave me, like, you can't leave me. I called himself daddy right away, he's like, you can't leave daddy, you can't leave daddy, and so I was just like, I don't know if he was, I don't know if he was, I don't think he was, I didn't see like drugs, but I was like, are you on something?

• 1:00:21Speaker 03

  But me just being so, and I wasn't on anything, I was just like, we're in love, like, to me, that, that's love, you know, so I'm like, wow, we're in love, he's really possessive, this is great, he doesn't want me going to work. So I was like really into it.

• 1:00:33Speaker 04

  First date?

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:36Speaker 04

  And this, it's progressed this quickly?

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  There, there are endless red flags I see in that, but, but, but you've already named fifty of them.

• 1:00:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, there was more, there was so much more.

• 1:00:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, so then at that point, then you continue seeing him?

• 1:00:52Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, we were like, I mean, kind of inseparable, like, I mean, he wanted me to come over every single night, um, every single day, like, he didn't want me to leave, like, I'd be over there for two to three days at a time, and he's like, don't leave, don't leave, and it was, I had no money, I like needed to, and this time now, my mom and sister are living with me in California, like, they had moved out, so we're kinda like sharing this place, and I did need to pay rent. And so I kinda had like no money, and I was kinda like. And yeah, obviously I thought this guy was rich, but I remember like he was like, he wanted me to go drive and get us like KFC or drive to get groceries and cook food or something like that. And I was paying for all of it, but I was like negative. So I'm like, I'm overdrafting everything. So I'm like, he wants KFC, another seventy dollars overdraft, another thirty, you know, so I was overdrafting my account and I was like, damn, I need to make money, but he

• 1:01:36Speaker 03

  didn't want me to go to work. So I was like, it was, it was rough. So I was trying to call ex-sugar daddies to send me money and stuff like that, because I just wanted to like lay on the beach and like hang out with him. That's all he did all day.

• 1:01:47Speaker 04

  Oh my. So you, you, you were calling ex-sugar daddies to fund your food

• 1:01:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:56Speaker 04

  with Anthony Michael Hall.

• 1:01:57Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:01:58Speaker 04

  You cannot make this stuff up?

• 1:01:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I remember he wanted to KFC, order like a, like two buckets of chicken and I was like, I can't afford it, but I didn't want to say anything, yeah.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  So you had, literally, you had to call in that moment?

• 1:02:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I was calling, I was calling this, one from Byron particularly, it's kind of like my mom's sugar daddy a little bit, um, who would like help her with rent. And I was like, hey, he was like, literally like, like, he was really old and he's, he's like, I was like, can you send me some five hundred dollars? And, yeah.

• 1:02:23Speaker 04

  You can't write this.

• 1:02:24Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:02:25Speaker 04

  And you're only twenty.

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  I know, I know. I know, I was like, damn, I really, I really wanted to make this work.

• 1:02:33Speaker 04

  And, and Anthony Michael Hall was, how many years was he, was he thirty?

• 1:02:38Speaker 03

  He was like, oh, God, I don't know, he might have been like forty-two when I met him and I was like twenty, so maybe twenty-two years.

• 1:02:43Speaker 04

  Okay, so it was twenty-two, okay.

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  Maybe.

• 1:02:45Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:02:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe older, I don't know.

• 1:02:47Speaker 04

  But you felt as if this was it? This was, this was the movie star, older movie star that you had always dreamt of?

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  It was my dream come true. I mean, not Anthony Michael Hall particularly, but it was a famous person, so I was like, okay, yeah. Mm-hmm, and I felt like he like loved me and I was like, wow, no one's loved me. Um, yeah, it was really, it was really encouraging.

• 1:03:07Speaker 04

  Okay, all right. Uh, then what happened?

• 1:03:11Speaker 03

  You know, I just, uh, I mean, this one of all, I mean, there's a lot of times I look back on it, I was so stupid, I was so stupid, but he really was like, we're gonna get married, we're gonna have kids, you're gonna be the future, like, he would say this very early on. So it wasn't like crazy for me to think that he wanted to marry me, because he was saying, I want to marry you. And I was like, we'd go to hotels, he'd be like, my wife's coming up to the front, like all this stuff like that. So I really thought this was it. Um, I mean, he just was, I mean, he just had sex with everybody. Like, I mean, if I wasn't, if I wasn't there, he would have another person there. And I would see it on the iPad, you know, his iPad, I don't know if it was no locks back then or what, it'd always be unlocked and it'd always be a new girl in the same beach apartment. I would take pictures in front of like his flower beds and then some girl would be like,

• 1:03:54Speaker 03

  I was just with him yesterday there, I just planted those flowers. And I was like, but I thought I was like the main girl, so I was like, sorry, bitches, like, I, he loves me, and like, we're gonna have a baby, so I was like, all right. So I didn't even think of that as even red flags. I was like, whatever, it's fine.

• 1:04:09Speaker 04

  So it was, it was acceptable to you for him to have?

• 1:04:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, he would tell me, he's like, well, I'm famous, like, what do you expect? And I was like, yeah, okay. Yes, that is what famous people, so in my mind, I'm like, yeah, famous people just cheat and he's like, you just got, you got to deal with that. I was like, all right, as long as I guess I'm the wife, which I wasn't, I wasn't living with him, I wasn't getting any money, I don't know what the hell I was doing.

• 1:04:28Speaker 04

  Since Anthony, and obviously I know you, you have actual love today.

• 1:04:34Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:04:34Speaker 04

  Um, but between then, did you feel like you loved anyone else?

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  I did, I had some pretty intense, I think when I was writing my book, my book, I tried to be like, let's stop talking so much about the men in your life, because I really did think I was like in love with so many. And I think of details of my life based on who I was dating at the time. Um, but when I think about love now, or what a relationship is now, I was like, those weren't relationships, but I felt it. My whole life was dedicated to these people. So like when I was in my first relationship after Michael, like it was, I was dedic, I would just, I wouldn't show up to like, I was booked for like two and a half men and I just wouldn't show up to set because I was, I was hoping he'd come over and see me. So I was like obsessed and I, yeah, I dedicated my life. I wasn't, I think I got blacklisted from central casting, because I just like wouldn't show up.

• 1:05:13Speaker 04

  Is it okay?

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Speaker 04

  I, I have, I mean, this is from your book.

• 1:05:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:17Speaker 04

  I have a list of some of these boyfriends.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah, of course.

• 1:05:21Speaker 04

  Can I, can I say?

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 1:05:22Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:05:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:23Speaker 04

  All right, so.

• 1:05:23Speaker 03

  I think we only changed the name of the person who locked me in the basement. I think all the other names stay the same.

• 1:05:27Speaker 04

  Stay the same, okay, all right. Um, so is it after Anthony Michael Hall, it's Roger Bart?

• 1:05:34Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:05:35Speaker 04

  Okay, so, so you, so you, you have a relationship with him for, is it what, three years?

• 1:05:41Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:05:42Speaker 04

  All right. Um, do any of these men also meet your family?

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  Michael, Anthony Michael Hall did, Roger did not.

• 1:05:52Speaker 04

  Okay, Roger did not?

• 1:05:53Speaker 03

  No, but he knew Shane, he knew like the friend circle, like the YouTube friend circle I was in. He did movies with Shane and like that kind of stuff, so they knew him.

• 1:06:01Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:06:02Speaker 04

  Did you feel like you were in love with Roger?

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, Roger was a big one. Roger was like, that one was even more, because he was more like intense than like Michael, he was more like, I was flying to see him. Like if he was doing a movie in Canada, I was flying to see him, New Year's Eve in New York. So it felt more real, I guess, I don't know.

• 1:06:19Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:06:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:20Speaker 04

  But also, so you were flying to see him?

• 1:06:24Speaker 03

  On my dime, I wasn't being flown out, I was flying myself out, which is very embarrassing, but yeah.

• 1:06:28Speaker 04

  So once again, you're, you're?

• 1:06:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, there's no being taken care of in these, my idea of like rich Hollywood man is not happening.

• 1:06:37Speaker 04

  No, the, the first relationship, you're having to buy the chicken.

• 1:06:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, now I'm buying the flights.

• 1:06:42Speaker 04

  Now you're buying, now you're buying the flights.

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think any of these guys ever paid for anything, I don't think ever. Yeah.

• 1:06:51Speaker 04

  Ever.

• 1:06:52Speaker 03

  I don't think so, maybe Michael took me out to some dinners, maybe. We ordered a lot and I was getting food a lot, so I don't know.

• 1:06:58Speaker 04

  Okay, okay. So then, I think in order to make this constructive, right, let's pull the lesson from, from each.

• 1:07:07Speaker 03

  What is the lesson?

• 1:07:07Speaker 04

  So what, what's, what's your, your Anthony Michael Hall lesson?

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  You know, I mean, there's, there's a lot, I mean, if someone says, I love you and they want to marry you on the first day, probably a red flag. Probably if you're twenty and they're forty-two, what the fuck do you guys have in common?

• 1:07:27Speaker 04

  Keep it going, Trish, keep it going.

• 1:07:29Speaker 03

  Um, if he says, uh, you catch him with another girl and he's like, that's just because I'm famous, baby, it's like not normal behavior. Giving all the red flags here, I mean, there's so many, but yeah.

• 1:07:42Speaker 04

  All right, you, you gave us a good up, that's a good up.

• 1:07:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:45Speaker 04

  What, what about with, with Roger? What's the lesson in that relationship?

• 1:07:49Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah, okay, you kind of said it, if you don't, if you don't meet my family and I don't get to meet your family, I never went to his house, red flag.

• 1:07:58Speaker 04

  Really?

• 1:07:58Speaker 03

  I don't even know if we ever went out to dinner publicly, at least Michael and I went to dinner publicly, I don't know if me and Roger ever did, I would fly to Toronto, he's like, I'm too tired, let's just stay in the hotel room. New York, New Year's Eve, I'm just tired, let's stay in the, me thinking like, he's like, I'm really famous and if people like see me, they're gonna go crazy. And I was like, you're right, you're right, yes, Roger Bart, like, you're so right, like, let's stay in the hotel room, like, I really, really thought that. Um, but yeah, they're not taking you out, if they don't let you take pictures with them, I mean, again, obvious stuff, I mean, that kind of thing, yeah, I, I would say are all red flags.

• 1:08:27Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 1:08:30Speaker 05

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• 1:08:40Speaker 04

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• 1:11:33Speaker 04

  Were you still continuing to strip at this time?

• 1:11:37Speaker 03

  I was. I was still stripping a little bit. I also was doing YouTube at this time. So I was making a little money off YouTube too. So I was kind of part-time each.

• 1:11:45Speaker 04

  Interesting. So on YouTube, what were you doing?

• 1:11:48Speaker 03

  I was kind of just doing like beauty hauls, shopping hauls. Like if I bought clothes, I was showing them. I was eating. I was showing what I ate in the day. I wasn't posting as much I am now, but I was posting. I started posting 2007, so I never stopped posting. And now this is around 2010, so I never stopped posting at this time.

• 1:12:04Speaker 04

  Okay. But this is early on for YouTube. So were you thinking that YouTube was an opportunity for you to make money? Was it just to express yourself? What was the reason?

• 1:12:14Speaker 03

  To be seen. I think I just was like, oh, someone, the way that Eli saw my Quentin Tarantino videos. Because I used to do monologues. I used to do Quentin Tarantino monologues. So Eli saw that. And I got to be Quentin Tarantino. So I thought the same thing. I was like, if I just put out content. Reality shows, obviously, were a big thing. I loved Anna Nicole. I loved The Girls Next Door. I thought, well, maybe someone will give me a reality show. Like, I really thought that. So I thought, I'm just gonna put these videos out and someone's gonna discover me on there. And it kind of worked. You know, like 2012, you know, I'm on America's Got Talent, Ellen. And all these people like found my videos and were casting me on shows. So like, it did work to some capacity.

• 1:12:43Speaker 04

  Yes. Yes. So you're doing it all at this point?

• 1:12:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:47Speaker 04

  So how does that relationship with Anthony Michael Hall, how does that break?

• 1:12:55Speaker 03

  With all my relationships, it's always, every relationship of mine that has ended has resulted in the guy blocking me and being like, never talk to me again. And blocking me on every platform and phone and everything like that. So he ended up blocking me. It really was just, I moved closer to him. I moved literally like an apartment over from him on the beach.

• 1:13:15Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 1:13:16Speaker 03

  Uh huh. And then I think he just, and he's always seeing lots of girls. It wasn't like that, but he, I guess he just probably got like into another relationship or with another girl. And yeah, he told me to like never talk to him again, like lose his number. And then I saw him, we ironically went to the same church. And so I would, I saw him at church with the new girl and I was just like, okay, it's over. And then it wasn't until I met, because he kind of always kept me in like the back pocket. And then I met another person that I would consider to be my second boyfriend. Again, if you read this book, you're like, girl, you're so stupid. But like the second person, I met him around the time Michael was like pulling away. So I was like, all right, next person. So I had to jump to the next. And then Michael ended up blocking me. So I was like, all right, that's over. Let's go to the next one.

• 1:14:00Speaker 04

  But you feel as if, Michael, when you reflect back, was he your first love?

• 1:14:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I was in love. I was like, this is it. It was my first heartbreak. I was, I mean, my first video called Shattered Broken Heart. I'm like, my book is called Cry on the Kitchen Floor. But like, this was my first breakup video where I'm like, it's still up. And it got like 2 million views overnight. And I'm just like, I'm shattered. I like, I'm like, no one's gonna love me. I'm like, dry heaving. I cannot breathe. Like, it was, it was awful. I thought that was the only person who will ever love me, who will ever give me any, any sort of protection. And it was over.

• 1:14:34Speaker 04

  And it's over. So you were shattered romance. The Hollywood career that you thought you were going to have is not there. Financially, it's financially difficult for you right now.

• 1:14:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:53Speaker 04

  I'm curious, did you ever consider just leaving?

• 1:14:57Speaker 03

  LA?

• 1:14:59Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:15:00Speaker 03

  Oh, I mean, Illinois was far worse for me. I could, I did all of this. And I was like, I can't go back to like a small town in Illinois. I think I was just, I wanted to be a star. And I was like, I can't go back to Illinois as like a failure. Like, I can't let, like, people, I didn't have friends back there. I didn't have family back there. My mom's now out here. My dad's out here. So it was kind of my only option. I was like, I have to keep going. But Michael did give me a little bit of validation. I'm like, well, one celebrity old man will like me. Maybe another one will, you know? So I really was still going on to that like trophy wife. I'm gonna be that trophy wife and that kind of thing. That was still my goal.

• 1:15:32Speaker 04

  Okay, okay. Self-worth, it sounds like at this point is?

• 1:15:36Speaker 03

  Zero.

• 1:15:36Speaker 04

  Zero?

• 1:15:37Speaker 03

  None. No self-worth. I look back and I'm like, damn, none. You could have literally pissed on me and they, and they did. And I was like, it's fine. Like, it didn't matter. Like, you could, you could do anything. And I would be like, doesn't matter as long as you're like, as long as you are claiming me and like, let me be next to you and...

• 1:15:53Speaker 04

  Yeah. What's so hard to hear in this story is that even how you're engaging now and how I saw you come in is that, you know, you're very intelligent. I'm not just saying this to try to gas you up, but curiosity, you're quick, right? I could see it moving up here.

• 1:16:12Speaker 04

  Couple that with kindness, right?

• 1:16:17Speaker 04

  You know, you think if that was recognized and that was affirmed early?

• 1:16:27Speaker 03

  So different.

• 1:16:28Speaker 04

  So different.

• 1:16:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. That's my biggest thing with my kids now is like, just any little sign of encouragement that I can give them, I do. If they're like, if my daughter like made a sandwich on her own, I'm like, you could be a chef. Like, this, this could be your calling or like truly anything. She loves to put my fake eyelashes on at night. I'm like, oh my God, like you could be a makeup artist. Like, she knows my makeup artist really well. And she's like, you could be like mommy's makeup artist. Like, I give so much encouragement to that now because I was encouraged, zero. Like, no one told me, I had, no one told me about money, finances, like goals, like things to achieve in life, nothing.

• 1:17:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:17:02Speaker 03

  There was none of that.

• 1:17:03Speaker 04

  I'm honestly, I'm surprised that you're alive.

• 1:17:10Speaker 03

  Same. Same. I don't, yeah, I don't, I don't know. I don't know how. And I don't think I cared for so long. I don't know. And I'm so thankful I'm alive now. I think for so long, I couldn't care less. I wanted to be a Marilyn and Anna Nicole. Like, I wanted an early end. I'm like, well, at least I'll be iconic. You know, if I die early, like maybe someone will be like, oh, she was worth something. Like, I thought that's how my life story would get made, as if I had like a tragic ending. And that's kind of maybe what I was like hoping for, I suppose, at some point. And I'm like, so happy to be alive now. I'm like, thank God.

• 1:17:41Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:17:42Speaker 03

  You know, but yeah, I don't know.

• 1:17:43Speaker 04

  So what then kept you going, especially in that moment where, you know, it's dark times? Broken up with your, who you've considered to be your first love. The career's not going where you wanted to go. What, what kept you going?

• 1:18:02Speaker 03

  I suppose I always had like a little glimmer of hope of something. There was always something keeping me there. So at the end of all this, right, I meet Shane Dawson, who's like a big YouTuber. And he starts collabing with me and I start getting followers. I'm like, maybe there's a route this way. So there was always like a glimmer of hope. After Michael, I meet another guy. So there's a glimmer of hope there. So I'm kind of having more opportunities. So there was always something keeping me on the hook.

• 1:18:22Speaker 04

  Now you said, meeting Shane really helped you from the digital standpoint. So how did that help you?

• 1:18:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I met him, again, just like a Craigslist. He was casting a stripper for his music video. And I played a stripper. And then I saw his house and I was like, he has a really nice house. He was the same age as me. He's like, I just, I'm like, what do you do? Like, you're paying all of us like this much money? He's paying really well. He's like, oh, just YouTube. I'm like, what do you mean? I've been doing YouTube for three years. Like, what do you mean? He's like, you can make money. And he told me about the partner program. He told me he posts every day. And that kind of changed my trajectory on money as well. I started posting every day. And now I went from being broke to making like $8,000. It was like $4,000 at first. And then once I started the trolling videos around the same time, 2012, then I started making like $8,000 a month. And then I was like, yeah, done. I was making a hundred bucks on a corner. Now I'm making $8,000 making videos. So yeah, that really changed a lot for me.

• 1:19:14Speaker 04

  Oh my gosh. So, so once you got up to that place, how, what, how old are we right now? When you make $8,000 in a month?

• 1:19:23Speaker 03

  About 22 or 23.

• 1:19:24Speaker 04

  Okay, 22, 20.

• 1:19:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:26Speaker 04

  Young. That's a lot of money. More money than you'd ever made?

• 1:19:29Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. I've never had $8,000 so I can count. It was crazy.

• 1:19:33Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:19:34Speaker 03

  I was grounding for people to give me money. I never made money on my own, yeah.

• 1:19:37Speaker 04

  So you make $8,000? What's your thought now? Is it, okay, I'm going to keep doing this?

• 1:19:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, whatever it takes. I saw what would get a reaction is when I would be like this character people hated. So like, originally, my trolling video started out, I was fast-talking, boobs pushed up. I was being a bimbo. I was like, hey, guys, like, I'm reading today. Like, but I saw the comments were hate comments. And they were like, this dumb bimbo. Like, what a dumb blonde bimbo with big tits. And I was like, oh, okay. So like, people were hating on me as getting really good interaction and really good money. How can I piss more people off? So that kind of started my trolling videos.

• 1:20:10Speaker 04

  So you know, Trisha, I think you were early to, and I actually think that you were behind many trends that happened online. This, I believe, could be one because we're talking about, this is 20, what year is this?

• 1:20:26Speaker 03

  2010 was my first troll video.

• 1:20:28Speaker 04

  2010?

• 1:20:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:30Speaker 04

  And if you think now, like, the algorithms are built around?

• 1:20:35Speaker 03

  Rage bait.

• 1:20:35Speaker 04

  Rage bait, right? You were doing this. So thank you for doing this. No, no.

• 1:20:40Speaker 03

  I, I...

• 1:20:40Speaker 04

  Why'd you do this?

• 1:20:41Speaker 03

  I know, I know. And I tell everyone, let me be a cautionary tale because people still don't let my, in 2012, I was like, I love Mitt Romney because it rhymes with tits. Like, and people still think I'm like conservative. I'm like, these will haunt you forever. Like, do not do this. All my misogynistic videos where I was copying Andy Kaufman, people still, like, people still hold on to that of me. They'll still be like, Trisha is problematic and awful and all these things. What you put on the internet is forever unless one day there's a Men in Black or Race, like, my memory. Like, maybe, hopefully, hopefully that happens for me. But until then, it's forever. And so the rage bait you're putting out there now is going to be out there forever. You'll never get a regular job. You'll never have anybody to take you seriously. Like, people wouldn't take me seriously because of my videos, relationships, jobs.

• 1:21:23Speaker 03

  Like, I'm screwed. Like, if this didn't work out for me, like, I don't know if I could get, like, I don't want to be that influencer, like, I couldn't get a regular job. But it's like, maybe not considering my digital footprint. They're gonna be like, yeah, it's out there forever. And people always have a judgment. A reputation is something that like you cannot get back. Like, you can never fully repair. I can do it a little bit and some people will see it. But 10% or more will still have a very hateful, negative commentation of me by my own accord because I put that out. So...

• 1:21:50Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 1:21:51Speaker 03

  I would be careful to rage bait if I was anybody.

• 1:21:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. This also, when you start the mukbang, okay, so...

• 1:22:00Speaker 04

  Were you the first or one of the first?

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• 1:22:57Speaker 03

  Probably the first, like, American on YouTube to do it. I would like to think I'm like, I think so. Unless someone can find a mukbang prior to, like, 2010, I think I might be, yes. I did see, um, Korean creators doing it over there. They were, like, live streaming it, like, around 2011, and that's where I got the idea. Obviously, that's where the mukbang came from.

• 1:23:17Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:23:17Speaker 03

  Um, but maybe on YouTube, I hadn't seen anyone do it.

• 1:23:20Speaker 04

  But because no one else had done this, right? What was it about what you saw that made you think, okay, let me give this a try?

• 1:23:29Speaker 03

  Girls eating and making money. They were getting tips. It was like the strip club but for food. And I was like, okay, I'm not a good dancer. I don't look a naked, but I love eating. And I can, and they were shoveling the food in, and people were tipping more the more they shoveled in. And I was like, this is where it is. Because I have food issues, I'm getting into that too, but I have a lot of food issues. Um, I have a problem with food, I have an addiction with food. So I was like, this is where I'm gonna make my money. So, yeah, I started my, I think my first mukbang. It was 2010, but I think that one's been deleted. I think the first one that's still up maybe is, like, 2012.

• 1:23:54Speaker 04

  That's incredible. Yeah. How early. And then you think of how popular.

• 1:23:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:57Speaker 04

  They've become all around the world.

• 1:23:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:00Speaker 04

  So for anyone not familiar with that term, mukbang, what does that mean?

• 1:24:04Speaker 03

  Like, an eating show. It's just like, I don't know if it directly translates, I think it directly translates to eating show.

• 1:24:09Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:24:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:10Speaker 04

  So it is eating, and it is viewers viewing, watching you eat.

• 1:24:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:17Speaker 04

  And there is enjoyment and pleasure by watching you eat.

• 1:24:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:21Speaker 04

  And it's about you really eating as much as possible.

• 1:24:23Speaker 03

  Yes. I think, I would, I would venture to say that the original mukbang was probably for maybe feeders or people who had, like, a fetish for eating.

• 1:24:30Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:24:31Speaker 03

  I think I thought that was gonna be me, but like, everything, it's like, not really the way it turned out. Like, it wasn't like a sexualized thing, in my opinion. Because when I would meet people, even in 2013, that liked my mukbangs, it was a lot of girls, people who felt like they didn't want to eat alone, so they were like, would put on my videos because they'd be like 45 minutes and eat with me. People who had, like, eating disorders, I found out way later on, they were like, I couldn't eat, so like, you eating helped me eat, or like, watching you eat. So there was like, a lot of, like, girl, girls watching and, like, girlhood about it, which was very new to me, because I had no girlfriends.

• 1:25:03Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:25:03Speaker 03

  I never catered to girls. I was like, no, I'm a sex symbol. Like, why are girls watching this?

• 1:25:07Speaker 04

  And was that the first community of women that you ever had?

• 1:25:10Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. It was great. I remember it so specifically. It was a Times Square meetup. I was on the show Guinness World Records Unleashed. I was doing press with, um, the host, weirdly. I didn't even get the world record, but Guinness World Records, True TV, they put me on a press tour in 2013. And one of those stops was in Times Square to read, and I would just tell people, like, I'm gonna do a reading in Times Square, reading really fast. And about 13 people showed up that were, because of me, like, fans of mine. And we all went to go eat afterwards. Like, we, like, ate wings, and I remember just being like, oh my gosh, they're all girls my age, and they all were really supportive, and it was very, very cool. It was really cool. It was all girls and one gay guy, and I was like, this is it. This is my people.

• 1:25:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, and, and it's interesting, because they're watching you eating, like, I didn't realize that people would be watching eating along with you. Now, you just mentioned, though, that you've had a challenged relationship with food.

• 1:25:58Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:25:59Speaker 04

  Uh, and so, did that play itself out through your mukbangs?

• 1:26:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, my most popular ones, that have like 10 million views and stuff on YouTube, is like me eating every type of pizza from Pizza Hut, every dish from the Cheesecake Factory in the morning, like, 10 meals. So, yeah, I slowly gained weight throughout my entire life, and I always wondered why. I was like, why am I gaining weight? And I was, because, obviously, these damn mukbangs, they really do. And I think, you mentioned all these things, like, I think that happens to a lot of people. They, like, slowly gain weight, because you kind of don't know, and then you kind of see it, unless you're really exercising all the time or not eating your other meals, like, you're gonna gain the weight.

• 1:26:35Speaker 04

  Yes, yes. You had a, was it an eating disorder as a result, or no?

• 1:26:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, I had like a, I would say like a binge eating. So I would say, yeah, I would eat as much as I could till I got sick, and then I just, like, want to eat for like, a day or two. Sometimes I would just eat, like, I would do three mukbangs in a day. So I would do like.

• 1:26:55Speaker 04

  Oh my goodness, really?

• 1:26:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26:56Speaker 04

  How do you do that?

• 1:26:56Speaker 03

  Crazy. There was a challenge called, like, the 10,000 calorie challenge that I did, and it's eating 10,000 calories in 24 hours. And I was doing these so consistently. I was doing them all the time. Donuts, pizza, all these things like that. And of course, I, like, loved the food, and I would do it so I could feel sick, so I wouldn't want to eat the next day. So, yeah, I would just skip a day or two of eating and do it all over again.

• 1:27:16Speaker 04

  And as this is happening, so YouTube following is growing, you're monetizing even more. So from a career standpoint, there's growth.

• 1:27:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:27:26Speaker 04

  And what's interesting too is, is that you're also being pulled to do reality TV hits and other projects.

• 1:27:33Speaker 03

  I would say my most popular era is this era on YouTube. I'm doing the mukbangs that are getting 10 million views. My crying on the kitchen floor videos after the Sean heartbreak is getting, you know, 10 million views. Like, they're getting a ton of views. So I'm doing well financially, like, better than ever. People are tuning in, like, I'm my own reality show. I get Celebrity Big Brother offered to me the next year, so like, it's not where I want to be. I'm not acting. I never got an acting job, ever, once, after the Roger incident and me just, like, not showing up. I stopped getting acting jobs completely. So I'm not acting, I'm not doing any of that stuff, but I am doing well on YouTube and financially.

• 1:28:06Speaker 04

  And financially.

• 1:28:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:28:07Speaker 04

  Um, you just mentioned Celebrity, um, Celebrity Big Brother.

• 1:28:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:28:12Speaker 04

  That was in the, in the UK?

• 1:28:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:28:14Speaker 04

  What, what was that experience like for you?

• 1:28:15Speaker 03

  Well, that was a crazy experience. That was a bad experience. I was very, so I'm mentally unwell at this point. Obviously, you asked earlier on, like, the sex work and the sexual assaults, like, all these things. Like, it altered my whole, like, brain, and I do think my borderline personality disorder, I do think that stemmed from that. I think, obviously, my sexual assault, kids maybe had something to do with it as well, but I do think it was, it was a turning point. So I'm very unwell, I'm very untreated. So, by the time Celebrity Big Brother rolls around, I'm very unwell. I'm spiraling from relationships and rejections, um, and I'm just, yeah, I have, I'm just a mess. So, I go on Celebrity Big Brother, which I was very excited about, because I was like, the first, like, influencer on there, so I was really excited to go on there. Just a mess, though.

• 1:28:59Speaker 03

  I mean, I go in that house, now I'm isolated completely. I don't have my phone, which is my only sense of validation, social media.

• 1:29:04Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:29:05Speaker 03

  You're hearing booing from everybody. They tell me that's what they do in the UK. They're like, it's pantomime, they're booing, they think it's fun, it's all, they don't, but it's still, like, booing in my head. I'm like, they hate me. So every time we do a live show, I'm hearing booing, and I was like, they hate me.

• 1:29:18Speaker 03

  And I'm just spiraling. Now, shout out Big Brother, I don't know if I'm, like, allowed to say this, but whatever, I'll say it. It's like, they did let me, you're not supposed to see anyone, right? You talk to Big Brother, it's people behind the camera. They did let me talk to, like, a real therapist on the show.

• 1:29:31Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:29:32Speaker 03

  Um, when I was having those breakdowns. So if I'm crying about, like, a washcloth or anything like that, like, they're bringing a therapist in to talk to me, which was great. And maybe it's a little advantage above the other contestants, but I don't think they wanted me to leave, which was great. I should have stayed for that, but, um, I think they were, like, trying to keep me in there as much as they could.

• 1:29:47Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:29:48Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:29:48Speaker 04

  So, so, so you uphold their duty of care? They, they, they looked after you?

• 1:29:54Speaker 03

  They did, yeah. I mean, obviously, the experiment itself is supposed to make you feel a little crazy, you're isolated, they give you alcohol, like, you're all, I just, I was so, I say, I mean, if you see any of my clips, it's me just in bed, like, peeking out, like, I just was in bed the entire time, I just did not leave the bed. It was just a lot. Also, I have, like, social anxiety and people, and it's just like, I'm like, what the hell is happening?

• 1:30:12Speaker 04

  Yeah. And did you know, because these are UK celebrities.

• 1:30:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:30:16Speaker 04

  Did you know any of these celebrities?

• 1:30:18Speaker 03

  No, we had a couple American, we had, like, Brandi Glanville from Housewives in there. So, like, I kind of knew her. There was a bachelor from the US that was in there, I kind of knew him. But I didn't know any of the, the UK people.

• 1:30:29Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:30:30Speaker 03

  And also, like, it's, it's so crazy to say, but it feels a little culture shock, too. You don't have an accent, but like, every, I, you live, it's like, there's so many accents, and the food is.

• 1:30:40Speaker 04

  Endless accents. Endle, did, did, truly.

• 1:30:43Speaker 03

  The accents kind of, like, threw me off a little bit. I'm like, I, where am I?

• 1:30:46Speaker 04

  Did, did you understand everyone?

• 1:30:48Speaker 03

  No. And they're speaking English, and I'm like, what the hell? Like, I, I felt a little crazy. I felt crazy, and I just felt, yeah, chips or crisps, and it's just like, all these things are so different. And I'm, as someone who, like, never traveled, I was not a well-traveled person. I don't think I ever traveled outside of the US to this point.

• 1:31:05Speaker 04

  Wow, so that was your first trip abroad?

• 1:31:07Speaker 03

  That was my second trip. I went to see Michael Jackson when I was 13, but other than that, second, yeah, second one abroad. And, yeah, so I, and again, my trip to see Michael Jackson was London, so I've only been to London at this point. So, culture shock, just, all of it, it was just like, where am I? And I was so used to being at home in my apartment, and it felt very, um, very scary.

• 1:31:26Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:31:27Speaker 03

  And I was, also, should mention, I was, like, falling in love with, like, two people back home, and I thought if I were to leave, they would forget about me, so I was constantly thinking about them too. And I was like, I need to go back to them, because they're gonna forget about me. So, it was a lot. I think if I were to do it now, I would slay, because I have my husband, I know he's gonna be waiting at home, I'm mentally well, I can help people in the house, I would feel, I can deal with personalities better. I would enjoy it, it'd feel like a vacation now to be on Celebrity Big Brother, but back then, I think I was, like, just insane.

• 1:31:53Speaker 04

  It was too much.

• 1:31:53Speaker 03

  It was too much.

• 1:31:54Speaker 04

  It was too much.

• 1:31:54Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:31:55Speaker 04

  So then you come back, and you said there's two people that you thought you were falling in love with.

• 1:32:00Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:32:00Speaker 04

  Who were those two people?

• 1:32:01Speaker 03

  Yes, it was this guy named Avi Kaplan, who was in Pentatonix, I met him on Tinder, and another guy named Jason Nash, who I started dating, um, the following year.

• 1:32:11Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:32:12Speaker 03

  He was like a minor, a comedian, I don't know.

• 1:32:14Speaker 04

  Okay. I would imagine that you probably had more lessons that came from Jason.

• 1:32:19Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, yes, yes.

• 1:32:21Speaker 04

  So what, what, what, what was, what was that relationship like for you?

• 1:32:27Speaker 03

  I guess, I don't even know what the lesson is. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, I was gonna say, yes, there was a lot of lessons. Was there lessons learned? I don't know. I, I think that was just my, my biggest train wreck, for sure.

• 1:32:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:32:37Speaker 03

  It was, it was actually awful. I mean, he hated me at that, you know, he hated me. I think the other ones kind of liked me. Sean, of course, loved me. I think the other ones kind of liked me in some capacity. I mean, Jason just literally hated everything about me and who I was, and eating, and the way I looked, and just, like, hated everything, so, and I was so in love. So it's, uh, that was, that was probably the worst.

• 1:33:00Speaker 04

  The worst, yeah.

• 1:33:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:33:01Speaker 04

  I mean, my, the lesson I pull is the importance of self, having self-worth before you enter.

• 1:33:09Speaker 04

  The relationship.

• 1:33:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:33:10Speaker 04

  You know?

• 1:33:11Speaker 03

  That's a great lesson, and I did not learn it in that relationship. Yeah.

• 1:33:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:33:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:33:16Speaker 04

  Did in it, though, did you feel as if he disliked you, or did you interpret that as like, what was it?

• 1:33:25Speaker 03

  Well, you know, every comment would be like, he hates her. And I was like, God, they're haters. Like, I really, like, everyone could see it except for me. Um, I guess with him, what I thought, what I confused with love was he wanted me around all the time. I got to be in all the videos with him, him and David Dobrik and me. We were doing videos all the time. And I was like, well, we're together all the time.

• 1:33:48Speaker 03

  He's posting pictures of me. He's going on vacations with me. Like, we're going to Hawaii. We're going to Bora Bora. We're going to Greece. We're going to Disney World. I was like, so to me, I was like, well, he's in love with me, but really, it was for content. I mean, he wanted a video. That's why I went to Hawaii. When we went to Hawaii, what I thought was like this beautiful couple's vacation. This was early on, like a month, not even, I don't even know if we were dating at this point. This was before boyfriend girlfriend. He invites David over to do like some prank. And I was like, what do you mean? I paid for this $50,000 four seasons vacation, and you invited David and your friend Brandon. I was like annoyed, but I was like, but he's on vacation with you in Hawaii, so you should be, this is love. This is great. Like, this is better. This is what you wanted with everyone else. So,

• 1:34:28Speaker 03

  yeah, but it was, the next day was a vlog. It was, you know, which, you know, I mean, I was guilty of too. I was kind of like, this was my job as well. So I was like, well, I guess, I guess is what we're, you know, doing. And but I just thought he liked me in addition to making content too.

• 1:34:42Speaker 04

  To that. So did he end up, as you said, with all the other guys, breaking up and blocking you?

• 1:34:48Speaker 03

  Yes. It was a breakup block. Yeah, it was, um, he, his story is I crashed my pink G-Wagon into his living room when he was home with his kids. My story was, it was my birthday. He was supposed to come to my party dinner. I come over. Yes, I'm erratic. I try to like get into his house. He told me his kids weren't home. His roommate wasn't home. I can pretty much attest to this because it was quiet, because I'm trying to get into his house. I'm going around trying to get into his, I am being erratic. Did I like crash the car? I don't know. But ever after that, it was a block everywhere. And I was told that I crashed his car and that I should never speak to him again, or he'll press charges. So I was like,

• 1:35:26Speaker 03

  all right, let me not, let me not go to jail. So that's what I was told, and that's why I stopped reaching out to him. And then he had me blocked, and that was kind of the end of that.

• 1:35:34Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:35:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:35:35Speaker 04

  Okay. I mean, this, this is a series of heartbreak.

• 1:35:39Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:35:40Speaker 04

  Uh, and I can see where the spiraling is continuing.

• 1:35:43Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:35:44Speaker 04

  Uh, where were you with drug usage at this point?

• 1:35:47Speaker 03

  When I was just Jason Nun, I was, we were too, I, I, I would never consider myself an addict, like luckily. Like, when I was doing any sort of drug, and I do a lot of drugs throughout my life, it's, it was usually with someone, like someone who was doing them too. So when I was in relationships, the guys I was with, like Roger was like a drinker, so I would drink with him, but like not drugs.

• 1:36:04Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:36:05Speaker 03

  Um, so it's like, you know, if there was, but the people I were doing, if doing drugs around me, I'd do drugs with them, but I would never kind of just like seek them out on my own. So I wasn't really doing any drugs when I was with Jason.

• 1:36:17Speaker 04

  With Jason, okay. But now, is, it's the, the next relationship, yeah, it's the, the next, where I feel like you moved to another level of

• 1:36:26Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:36:26Speaker 04

  of drug usage.

• 1:36:27Speaker 03

  Yes. So this is 2019 when we break up, and there's kind of two, so I don't know which one.

• 1:36:31Speaker 04

  Okay. Um, I mean, this is both, really, but it's, I think it's, it's Aaron.

• 1:36:37Speaker 03

  Aaron, yes. Yes, yes. So Aaron also was around after the Sean era. I was kind of seeing him a little bit around there. And then we come back together in 2019, and that's when I, yeah, try more hardcore drugs with him.

• 1:36:50Speaker 04

  Interesting. I didn't realize. So around that Sean time,

• 1:36:53Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:36:54Speaker 04

  Aaron, you and Aaron Carter?

• 1:36:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, because Sean and Aaron Carter went on tour together in China, like 10 years prior. So I thought, I'm gonna make him jealous. I'm gonna be with Aaron Carter. And I like DM'd Aaron and, yeah.

• 1:37:05Speaker 04

  So that's how it started?

• 1:37:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, mm-hmm. We had met in like 2017. Yeah.

• 1:37:10Speaker 04

  Trisha, I did not know this.

• 1:37:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I was a fan. I loved Aaron. I was such a fan. He's my, he's my age and my millennial like heart. Like, he was everything. And, um, really nice guy. Really, really sweet. And I talk about this so much, like all the addicts that were in my life, um, like the nicest, like genuine good people. They weren't like these assholes and these users. Like, when I say Jason is my most toxic worst ex, but he's completely sober. He's a dad. He's not cheating, but he still likes the worst. I mean, that says something, right? So, um, yes, maybe, you know, Aaron's like giving me meth or something like that, but it's like they're genuine good people. They just have like a really, a real sickness, real demons that they're like battling.

• 1:37:50Speaker 04

  Yes, yes. So then 2017, you send a message. Can I say to you, Trisha, your typing game must be

• 1:37:58Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:37:59Speaker 04

  on another level.

• 1:38:00Speaker 03

  I'm in everyone's DMs. I was, from early on, from that MySpace, I was like, this is the way to go. Those DMs are, be careful, those DMs are, I don't, I don't envy anyone's single. Be careful of those DMs on both sides.

• 1:38:11Speaker 04

  What in the world? Like, even with Aaron, did you send him a photo as well or no?

• 1:38:15Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah. But see, it's so funny, like Aaron and I, we did, like, we were like intimate sometimes, but it really was like a friendship. Like, we would like DM each other, just like randomly, keep up with each other on Twitter and stuff like that. Like, he's also like chronically online and love to be at home. So, yeah, I would say, like, it wasn't even the sex, that part too much with him. It was kind of just like, we kind of had like a good friendship.

• 1:38:36Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:38:37Speaker 03

  Which was kind of cool. Like, he kind of just like hanging out with me, and we'd watch like The Revenant and stuff, and he like acted out like a bearer on him. And like, he was just like, he was kind of fun and goofy.

• 1:38:45Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:38:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:38:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:38:46Speaker 03

  Uh-huh.

• 1:38:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, it, uh, incredible talent lost.

• 1:38:50Speaker 03

  So talented. He had a, he did have like a comeback hit called Fool's Gold, and it was kind of big for a while, kind of sounded like Justin Bieber. And then I think he just got lost in everything again, those lives that he was doing. And we did lives together where he was obviously very high and driving, and it was, it was really scary. So I think, unfortunately, like his, yeah, his addiction kind of overshadowed his talent. But he was very tal, very talented.

• 1:39:13Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 1:39:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:39:14Speaker 04

  And so 2017 is when you initially connect with him, and then it comes back now after, um, uh, after Jason.

• 1:39:22Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

• 1:39:23Speaker 04

  So then after Jason, how is it that you and, uh, and Aaron reconnect? And then how does he introduce you to this drug?

• 1:39:31Speaker 03

  So we reconnect because, again, we always just kept in touch online. And I think when I was like, when I did like the breakup video, it was around like this time. He was like, oh, single again. Like, you know, he was a very flirty online, and people loved that. So I like just hit him up again. And I was like really lonely. And I, he was kind of that like person to like come back to. And so, yeah, we kind of just started like hanging out again. Like, I could just sense darker energy going there. He's in a different place. He's like in Lancaster now. It's like a very different place. Um, and yeah, he's doing more like illicit drugs. And, um, he's just like, I was so depressed. I was crying. He's like, don't cry, don't cry, like stop crying. You don't need to cry anymore. Like, this, this, well, this, this is what I do. This is what, you know?

• 1:40:12Speaker 03

  So he was, yeah, he introduced me to, you know, a whole new life of drugs. In 2019, both of them did. I, I tried meth for the first time. I tried heroin for the first time. And, um, it was very, both experiences very scary. Um, but I kind of didn't care at this point. I really was like, I don't care if I live or die. Like, I really didn't care. Wasn't suicidal. I was kind of too scared for that. I think I was just like, this is my ending. My tragic ending will be this. You know, I was like 31 or something at the time. So I thought that was kind of the way to go out.

• 1:40:39Speaker 04

  What had changed in your life for you no, for you, I would say, for you no longer to have hope? Because earlier, you were going through some very traumatic events, but there was hope.

• 1:40:52Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:40:53Speaker 04

  And now we get to a point, 2017, 2019.

• 1:40:56Speaker 03

  2019.

• 1:40:57Speaker 04

  Oh, okay. 2019, we get to 2019, and there's no longer hope.

• 1:41:00Speaker 03

  No hope.

• 1:41:01Speaker 04

  Where did it go?

• 1:41:02Speaker 03

  The hope is gone. I find out because I'm trying to have a baby with Jason, that, like, I'm, I, I knew for a long time that it was gonna be hard for me to have kids, because I had gotten chlamydia twice from, um, an ex. And I wasn't doing sex work at the time. I knew I got it from him, and it scarred my tubes because I went untreated. So they were like, it's gonna be really hard for you to have kids. I had been suggested one time to get a hysterectomy, like all these things like that. So I was, and then when it was Jason, they're like, well, your tubes are really scarred, but we can do these tests, like an infertility test called HSG to kind of clear them out. Nothing cleared out, still gonna get pregnant. So now I've been, it's been about eight years of infertility, and I really want to have a baby. That was my goal, to have it with anyone.

• 1:41:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:41:38Speaker 03

  Uh, it really was the end for me. I was like, I don't have my YouTube. I don't have my reputation. Nobody's sympathizing with me. Um, I don't have love. I don't have any possibility of getting pregnant. And no celebrities are in my DMs anymore, except for Aaron, who now we're just getting high together and about to die together. And I'm like, well, I guess this will be our ending. You know, I just really thought like, if there's gonna be a headline, I guess going out with Aaron Carter would be a great one. So I really, that was it. That was it for me. That was like the end. And, um, yeah, I'd gone to a mental hospital earlier that year. Like, it really was just like, I'm completely gone. Mm-hmm. And there was no hope.

• 1:42:13Speaker 04

  How do you come back out of a situation like that, especially then knowing what happens to, to Aaron?

• 1:42:22Speaker 03

  Again, I'm fortunate that I wasn't an addict. I think addicts I've seen, just experiencing around them, is like, they, they don't have the control. Not to say I had control. I don't have self-control in a lot of aspects of my life. Um, but it really is like a sickness. Like, there is a sickness in their eyes. Like, they're good people. And no matter how much you love them, or how much you're like, oh, I'm kind of scared, like, it's just, it's just this, this thing that they can't break. You know what I mean? And, and some can, obviously, but it, it was like this, like really, really dark. And it's like an energy you feel, like this really, this like sickness. And it's something that I couldn't relate to. I was always a little scared, right? I'm doing this stuff. I'm kind of scared of doing heroin, like, and all that kind of stuff. I'm scared. They have no fear. They're like, this feels great. This is, this is gonna make all your problems go away.

• 1:43:03Speaker 03

  Ultimately, with, with Aaron, it was a wake-up call. The night I went and supposedly crashed my G-Wagon, although there's no police reports of it, um,

• 1:43:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, definitely was coming down a high off of Aaron. It was like my birthday and and all those videos were made about me, the G-Wagon crashing. They're like, he could press charges if you don't leave him alone. That's when I kind of knew. I was like, let me just try and get some professional help. So I started doing therapy and I was able to afford it at the time. I was able to go regularly. And that's what sucks about the world right now is like, therapy is just so expensive and I couldn't afford it before. But now I was able to go five times a week. And it saved me. This therapist, I'm just like spilling out my feelings for an hour every day at nine AM and it like saved me because I had someone to talk to.

• 1:43:45Speaker 04

  Wow, look at that.

• 1:43:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:43:46Speaker 04

  Having someone to talk to you could trust.

• 1:43:49Speaker 03

  When people ask me, how did you get off your head to floor? I'm like, just ask for help, just like reach out. And when I say therapy is expensive, it is. It's like, go. I went to a church at one point, not even talk to a priest, just to talk to this, like this old lady was talking to me and she was just listening to me.

• 1:44:02Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:44:02Speaker 03

  And that's like, just find someone to talk to because someone will want to listen. There's a lot of peer support. I do college speaking. There's so many peer support programs on campuses. There's just so many options and just having someone listen to you makes all the difference. From a mentally unwell person, I was like, that's what I needed.

• 1:44:17Speaker 04

  I agree. It begins with someone to hold space for you.

• 1:44:21Speaker 03

  Thousand percent.

• 1:44:22Speaker 04

  And it, and, and then you can progress it to whatever else you need.

• 1:44:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:44:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:44:27Speaker 03

  And it feels so validating to just have someone listen. And I not only I've ever had anyone like listen to me in my life. Like, I don't think anyone actually ever listened or heard what I was saying. And it felt amazing. It felt great.

• 1:44:38Speaker 04

  And John Hill and Aaron Carter, they passed away within a short period of each other.

• 1:44:43Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 1:44:43Speaker 04

  Was it?

• 1:44:44Speaker 03

  It was the same year. It was the year my daughter was born. I believe it was twenty twenty two.

• 1:44:48Speaker 04

  Twenty twenty two.

• 1:44:49Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. It was like, yeah, and, and Aaron just had a baby and John was here in LA. You don't know, you see it happening, but you just don't think it's gonna happen to someone. You know, and John too, he was, his, he was the ex-husband of a really famous YouTuber and she was paying him like large amounts of money. He had like a good life. He could have been okay. He just like, never know, I guess. You just never know with people.

• 1:45:08Speaker 04

  You never know. You never know. Um, you mentioned, at the end of Jason too, you said, you committed yourself.

• 1:45:17Speaker 03

  No, I was fifty one, fiftyed.

• 1:45:18Speaker 04

  So, so you were sectioned?

• 1:45:19Speaker 03

  Yes, yes.

• 1:45:21Speaker 04

  Can, can we talk about that? Because

• 1:45:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:45:23Speaker 04

  The, I mean, this just shows you your state at the end of that relationship with, with, with Jason. How did the sectioning happen?

• 1:45:32Speaker 03

  I was go, he broke up with me that day and then I was supposed to go to a party with my makeup artist. I was drinking. I was taking Vicodin because I had some leftover from a surgery a couple of years prior. I was taking a lot of pills, I was taking a lot of Vicodin. I just wanted to be out of body and maybe again, not caring if I lived or died. I think more so I wanted the attention too. I wanted like add, my makeup artist Adam at the time to care. And then I thought I can, I have more courage to text and stuff because I wasn't blocked by Jason at this point. This is a few months prior from the G-Wagon incident. So, um, and then I took more. I was like, I'm gonna just take this whole bottle. I had like, I had like half of Vicodins left, maybe like ten or something. I'm gonna take all of it.

• 1:46:14Speaker 03

  And, um, obviously I started like, I don't know if it was a panic attack or a real heart attack, whatever happened, I fainted. I'm like, I fainted in the glam room. Adam sees it, calls nine one one. I'm in an ambulance going to Cedars-Sinai. I'm like, come to at a certain point in the ambulance and I was like, you know, I just remember being like, okay, I gotta tell Jason that I'm in an ambulance and I'm going to Cedars-Sinai. And so I'm texting him. And again, this probably comes from movies or TVs. I'm like, well, he's gonna come to my rescue. He's gonna be like, oh, she put herself in danger. I need to rescue her. And he did. He came to Cedars-Sinai. Unfortunately, he came with David and their other friend Jeff and they were like blocking. So David had his like camera, he wasn't filming, but had the camera in hand, which triggered me instantly because

• 1:46:52Speaker 03

  that's a whole other thing. But, um, ran up off of the stretcher, took all my clothes off, running through Cedars-Sinai. They shoot me with some Ativan. And I like, am able to calm down. But in the midst of me running, being naked, as soon as I see David, as soon as I see Jason and they're in the hallway, I just be like, I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill you. So I'm now like a danger to myself and others. And they, yeah, they strapped me down to like, they did the Ativan, strapped me down. I wake up, I'm strapped, Jason's still there at some point in the middle of the night. And then they took me to the Alhambra Mental Hospital the next morning. Yeah.

• 1:47:27Speaker 04

  Do, do you remember being in the hospital?

• 1:47:30Speaker 03

  Uh, in the, in the mental, yes, yeah. I come to pretty quick because then I'm like, ooh, once again, I'm like, I think I took it a little too far. Whereas I, look again, I don't know if I wanted to die, but I remember waking up and I'm like, oh shit, like now I'm in a mental hospital. And this mental hospital is, is, is a difficult one. This is one where they kind of maybe admit everybody and anybody. I think a lot of them are overcrowded. This one is like, you're with people who are very unwell, like just truly chemical imbalances, just truly like suffering some sort of psychosis or some sort of schizophrenia, like it, it, it was really scary. I think this is my first time where I'm like, oh, I think I've always wanted to be, I'm like the crazy girl on this, and then you're like, oh, there's people with like severe mental health problems in here. And then I got scared. I was like, well, this is, this is scary. And it was coed.

• 1:48:14Speaker 03

  It was a whole thing. It was a lot, yeah.

• 1:48:16Speaker 04

  How many days were you there?

• 1:48:18Speaker 03

  I was there two days and then by the third day I was able to get out. I think it's like a seventy two hour hold. And then by the third day I was able to get out. Every time I met with a psychiatrist there, they're like, do you want to harm yourself? I'm like, no, nope, I'm great. I was just, I was in a moment kind of masking, I suppose. And I was, I just want to get out of there. Mm hmm.

• 1:48:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Um, a place that you'd ever want to be again?

• 1:48:38Speaker 03

  No, no. And that every time anything has happened, I'm like, don't call anybody because I'm like, I'm not trying to go back there. Like, mm hmm, because I had one more psychotic break after that. And I was like, don't call them, they're gonna come take me. And it was really scary.

• 1:48:49Speaker 04

  Yes. It, it, the way that you described it, it feels like you were more scared there than when you were in the basement, when you were kidnapped in the basement.

• 1:49:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:49:00Speaker 04

  Were you?

• 1:49:02Speaker 03

  Probably.

• 1:49:03Speaker 04

  Gosh, just what a story. Like, and, and this is just, what, this is twenty?

• 1:49:09Speaker 03

  Twenty nineteen.

• 1:49:10Speaker 04

  Twenty nineteen. Is, is this part of the reason, this, this feeling of lowness? Was this part of the reason why you went back to sex work?

• 1:49:21Speaker 04

  In, in twenty nineteen? Um, also, you, and I didn't realize that the income had dried up as well.

• 1:49:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:49:28Speaker 04

  So, so is, is that what then really forces you back into sex work?

• 1:49:33Speaker 03

  A thousand percent, yeah. I, I really didn't think there was any other option for me. Also, just like my mental instability, like I don't know if I could have held a job. I never could when I was younger, when I was a little more mentally stable. And I'm like, now I'm really mentally unwell. And I'm like, there is no job for me. And

• 1:49:49Speaker 03

  thankful or not, I suppose, I was like, OnlyFans was starting at this time. And so it was, felt a little more controlled, like I didn't have to go into a club or the streets. And it was kind of like a different way of doing sex work and I felt a little more in control of it. I was making a lot more money on there. So I was like, at the time, it felt very like empowering and I kind of was like, okay, I'll use this. Um, so yeah, that's when I started doing like more adult work. Up until that point, there was nothing, there was no trace of adult work. If I never talked about sex work, no one would know. Now it's like, again, much like my trolling videos out there forever.

• 1:50:20Speaker 04

  I see. Okay, so at this point, you went to OnlyFans.

• 1:50:25Speaker 04

  And, but, but you, you didn't go back out onto the street?

• 1:50:28Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 1:50:28Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:50:29Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:50:29Speaker 04

  All right. So it's OnlyFans and this is purely for income? I mean, this is the only reason why, why, why you're there?

• 1:50:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:50:38Speaker 04

  Okay. Miraculously, this is right around the time when you meet Moses.

• 1:50:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, so twenty nineteen, I meet Moses twenty twenty, right before quarantine. So yeah, it's like a couple of months before. And then, yeah, so then I go on um, a dating show. It was the H3 Podcast and they were doing this dating show. They originally asked me, I'd had been a guest a couple of times on the show prior. Um, but they had asked me to apply. They said that, uh, one of the co-hosts, one of the hosts of the show, Hila, her brother Moses was gonna be a bachelor and they wanted me to apply. And I was looking for love because I was on the show being like, I need a boyfriend and I was gonna apply. And they're like, actually, do you want to be the Bachelorette? And Moses can apply to your show or Hila's brother. They said, we'll apply to your show. I said, sure. I do the Bachelorette. I do a couple of episodes. The day before quarantine, they get, they do like the third episode and they show me my

• 1:51:22Speaker 03

  bachelor. I realized early on, it was kind of like a joke that they, you know, the, the crew picked these people for me. And I realized, okay, they're kind of getting these kind of not serious people. I was really depressed. I was like, damn. I was like, this is the caliber, ooh, okay. And I think they set it up like that on purpose. I don't even blame the guys because the guys were whatever. But I was like, what happened to your brother applying? What happened to your brother? And they're like, well, he just got busy. And I was like, well, they told me he was gonna apply, like he's a really busy guy. I'm like, too busy for me? And I was like, do you think he'd want to marry me? And they're like, probably not want to marry you. Or maybe like, fuck you or something like that. That's what they said. And then I was like, what's his name? And they're like, Moses. I was like, Moses? And I was, you know, my religious kicked in. I was like, oh my God, biblical. Like, I didn't even know that was a common name in like

• 1:52:03Speaker 03

  the Jewish culture. But I was like, Moses, oh my gosh, like how old? And they said he was ten years older. And I was like, perfect. Like, I'm like, this is, oh my God, this is my guy. And like, he's just too busy though. He's just a busy guy. And so I guess they went home and told him that day that I asked about him. He DM'd me that day. Um, we went on a date the next day after the show aired, me and Moses. And then quarantine happened two days later.

• 1:52:23Speaker 04

  He DM'd you?

• 1:52:25Speaker 03

  He DM'd me.

• 1:52:25Speaker 04

  Was he the first?

• 1:52:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:52:28Speaker 04

  To reach out to you? The first guy to reach out? Because he

• 1:52:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, probably actually. And what was even weirder is I never checked my DMs. But I just remember being so lonely that night after the podcast taping. And I went to his profile and as I usually do with people, I just have to see if they've ever messaged me. And he happened to message me ten minutes prior. And he's like, hey, was like his thing. He's like, uh, do you want to chat? Um, and I guess Ethan and Hila had told him that I mentioned him on the podcast that day. It hadn't even aired yet.

• 1:52:55Speaker 04

  Look at this.

• 1:52:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:52:56Speaker 04

  Now, was this moment with Moses, was that when everything changed for you?

• 1:53:03Speaker 03

  No. I, I was, I was a very, I was like not a great person in a lot of my life, okay? But, I mean, he was into like Burning Man, I saw his Instagram, he was so not my type. I was like, oh my god, this person's like vegan, Burning Man, his name was clear being, he was really into water. He had like a water high profile, I was like, this is so weird. Um, so I was, it was not for me, love at first sight, it was very much like this kind of weirdo, this kind of like freak or whatever, you know? And, uh, he's being nice to me, like he made me tea the next morning, he was like, he lived next to a church, um, in this like building. I was, I don't know, the whole thing was very weird and he was like, I don't know, asking me how I was doing, how the date went, he had a good time. I was like, get away from me.

• 1:53:41Speaker 04

  So, all, all of these healthy behaviors, you saw as flags, red flags?

• 1:53:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, he wanted to see me the next night, I was like, you freak, I was like, what do you mean? Like, that's so weird, don't be, like, you're obsessed, like, you're a stalker, like, I got really, like, freaked out by it, it was really weird. But then I was really lonely and I was really sad about not going to Benihana with my mom that day, so I was just like, alright, come on over. And then the quarantine happened the next day, and then I got scared, and then I was like, I don't want to be like alone. And so then we kind of quarantined together, and then it was just like up and down a lot, it was like a lot of up and downs, on my end, being erratic.

• 1:54:15Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:54:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:54:16Speaker 04

  So it wasn't smooth?

• 1:54:17Speaker 03

  It wasn't smooth at the beginning, no. We kept coming back together, um, he thought I was nuts, I mean, he really thought I was nuts at this point because of the erratic behavior, of me just kicking him out and just saying crazy shit to him and stuff, so he blocked me as, you know, whatever, weeks, weeks at a time, so.

• 1:54:32Speaker 04

  Look, look at that.

• 1:54:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:54:33Speaker 04

  Right back to.

• 1:54:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, the same, of course you blocked me, everyone does, this is what happens, like, this is who I am. And at this point, I didn't even take it personal. And then I kind of just did my thing, and then I started going more into OnlyFans and collabing with people and doing more like hardcore stuff. And it was kind of, it was awful, it was really bad, I got really like scared, he, he saved me a lot of times, I was like in a K-hole at one point and he came to get me at the W Hotel, and then like one day, like, he's just like, hi, and he's like, are you okay? And I said, no, and he came over and spent time with me a week and, and he just said he was really worried about me. And he's just like, you know, I can stay with you, he's like, but there can't be any like drugs, there can't be any drinking, there can't be any, like, I'll stay with you for a week, but just like, don't do any of that stuff. And so I, I didn't, and I wasn't doing OnlyFans, I wasn't doing any of that stuff.

• 1:55:19Speaker 03

  Um, and then, yeah, we spent together a couple of weeks kind of sober, and I was like, I just really like want to be with you. And he's like, but, you know, I, he's, I don't judge you, he's like, but I don't feel comfortable, like, you're doing OnlyFans with guys and stuff like that, that's not, not my thing. And I'm like, I can change anything, I was like, you know, I'll change anything about myself. I did stop OnlyFans, I didn't stop the pills, but then we did, then we were like officially, I was like, can we be like official? Can we do that? And he said, okay, he's like, okay, like, we can try this, he's like, I really, I have this like attraction, like, there's, there's something that's pulling me back here and vice versa. So, yeah, and then he would go, I was diagnosed borderline at this time, so he was going to classes with me, like therapy classes and stuff like that with me.

• 1:55:58Speaker 04

  This is a.

• 1:55:59Speaker 03

  Borderline personality disorder.

• 1:56:00Speaker 04

  Personalities, or, okay.

• 1:56:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, so he was going to those classes with me and to kind of understand it better, because he always thought, anyways, there's a whole thing. But it was, it was more just to understand why I was acting the way I was, what would trigger me, he learned about triggers, I was, I learned about triggers. Um, why he thought like me taking control of a, a situation by leaving was really just me trying to disengage. Um, so he just learned so much and we just had such a really great relationship after that. Like, we just started having a really great time and my nervous system started calming down and I was more calm, and it was wonderful.

• 1:56:32Speaker 04

  When did you first realize you were in love with Moses?

• 1:56:35Speaker 03

  You know, I think the moment he stayed with me for a week and was like, you just, just, can you just stop doing these, uh, harmful behaviors? And I was just like, well, you're gonna take a week out of your life to come like, stay with me for that, no sex, no nothing, I was like, so then I was like, you know, he, he, he used to play Jesus, like on National Geographic, like he was like a Jesus actor for a minute, because he looks like Jesus. And I was just like, oh my god, is this like Jesus, is this like, is this he coming to save me? Because again, I always had that relationship with God, I was like, oh my god, it's like he coming to save me, so I kind of felt like, are you Jesus? It was, it took a minute to really understand what it was, but I was definitely, I was definitely like in love when I realized he kept coming to save me.

• 1:57:15Speaker 04

  So then Moses proposes?

• 1:57:19Speaker 03

  Yes, Moses proposes in December of that year, so five months after we started dating, about eight months after we met, he proposed, which was.

• 1:57:26Speaker 04

  That, that must have been, I mean, this is all you've wanted?

• 1:57:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, someone chose me, I was like, oh my god, like, to me, that's when I stopped taking pills, because I was kind of hiding them there. And that's when I realized, I cannot fuck this up, he got me my dream ring, he proposed while we were cosplaying Jasmine and Aladdin, like, I was just like, it's crazy, like, he's so handsome. But I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know, all the other toads I dated had no lashes, no lips, and here's this guy with like luscious everything, and I was like, what the hell? Yeah.

• 1:57:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, and then, you're thinking, I'm sure, when you got married, that you could not have a child.

• 1:58:03Speaker 03

  Yes, so I would tell him this, but like most guys, and also he's just smarter than most guys, he's like, mm, I don't believe you, I feel like you're just telling me this so you can get pregnant. Because I'd be like, I can't have kids, I would tell guys that, because I was like, I don't think I can have kids, because that was the truth, and I was diagnosed with infertility and stuff like that. So I spent all the money on our wedding, music videos, and our honeymoon, and so I probably had maybe a million dollars saved up and then I blew it all within like two months, because like, when I have kids, who cares, I'll keep making more money. Yeah. Forgot about taxes, though, I was like, oh shit, I need to pay taxes.

• 1:58:33Speaker 04

  Oh my god, I'm not mad, a million in two months, like, oh yeah, whatever, what in the world, a million in two months?

• 1:58:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:58:39Speaker 04

  Oh my.

• 1:58:39Speaker 03

  I was trying to start a clothing line, we went to Maldives, we had three, two weddings in Hawaii and here, I did multiple music videos, it was, yeah, it was, it was gone quickly.

• 1:58:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:58:50Speaker 03

  And then the taxes came, and I was like, oh shit.

• 1:58:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, you gotta, gotta pay those too.

• 1:58:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I was like, oh man, I spent all my savings, now where do I get this money?

• 1:58:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, but then you make it back?

• 1:58:59Speaker 03

  I made it back, he took out a line of credit, he also maxed out everything, he had quite a bit of savings, he had like, he had like half a million savings, that got maxed out, everything was gone. We were at zero after our wedding day.

• 1:59:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:59:10Speaker 03

  Negative, actually.

• 1:59:10Speaker 04

  But you were with a man that loved you and you loved him?

• 1:59:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:59:15Speaker 04

  And that was all you wanted?

• 1:59:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I told him, I said, hey, I'm about a million dollars in debt, and he's like, well, I guess it's our debt now, and I was like, damn! I mean, everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, and he's like, yeah, he just took it on, he's like, maybe just stop buying Birkins, I was like, yeah, that might help. I was like, that's not gonna help anything, it did help, I was able to save some money.

• 1:59:37Speaker 04

  It does.

• 1:59:37Speaker 03

  It does help, yeah.

• 1:59:39Speaker 04

  Trisha, where were you when you found out you were pregnant for the first time?

• 1:59:44Speaker 03

  I, I remember this, we were just gotten back from our second wedding in Maui, we were about to go to the Maldives and I hadn't had my period in like, uh, um, two months or something like that, I was like, I haven't had my period since our wedding. I remember just waking up one morning in January and I just was like, God, I haven't had my period, I'm like, let me just take one of these, I, I wasn't filming the reaction, I wasn't even like telling him or anything, I think he was still sleeping. And I turned the camera on once I saw, as soon as I saw pregnant, then I turned the camera on, because I was, I just, I started shaking, I was just like, this feels like a miracle. And it was like, 2021 might have been like one of the worst years of my life, like financially, reputation wise, online, everything like that.

• 2:00:21Speaker 03

  And so for 2022 to start with a baby, I said, I'm so done with drama, I'm so done with everything, I literally became a monk, I was out 15 hours a day meditating, I'm like, I'm just gonna be, for income, I'm gonna do ASMR videos, which is like very calming, I said, I'm gonna just meditate, and that's it, I'm not looking at any comments, I'm not engaging in drama, and I stopped, I stopped in all of 2022. I'm like, I'm pregnant, and the whole thing now is just to have this healthy baby, and that's all, like, that was like such a blessing, I was like, nothing else matters at this point.

• 2:00:47Speaker 04

  Oh, and so that you go on, you have not just one, not just two, but three?

• 2:00:53Speaker 03

  Three, three in three years.

• 2:00:54Speaker 04

  Three in three years.

• 2:00:56Speaker 03

  2022 to 2025, I'm pregnant, yeah, insane, and now the tubes are out, I was like, thank you God so much, but like, let me also take these tubes out.

• 2:01:05Speaker 04

  But, no, thank you.

• 2:01:06Speaker 03

  Oh my god, my uterus, as the internet was saying, was just like saving the world, literally, like, just all these reincarnations happening, and I was just like, okay, I need to stop this. So I, I did take out the tubes after Aquaman.

• 2:01:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, and, and, and your children's name, I mean, Aquaman?

• 2:01:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:19Speaker 04

  Uh, Malibu Barbie, Elvis?

• 2:01:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:22Speaker 04

  Just.

• 2:01:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:23Speaker 04

  I mean, only you.

• 2:01:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think so, I might be the only ones today, but my kids, I know it's the only, yeah, it's like, I think it's one of the names, Malibu Barbie and Elvis were two I always wanted since I was young. I used to say it on the internet, there was many clips of me when I was young saying, I'm gonna have kids, Malibu Barbie and Elvis. Um, and then Aquaman was more, surprisingly, my husband's choice, yes.

• 2:01:43Speaker 04

  Okay, I mean, you, you two are match made.

• 2:01:45Speaker 03

  Were a match made.

• 2:01:45Speaker 04

  Made in heaven, yeah, for sure.

• 2:01:47Speaker 03

  Every other guy I brought up, Malibu Barbie and Elvis too, they're like, absolutely not, my kids will never be named that, and Moses was like, love those names, those are great.

• 2:01:53Speaker 04

  See, you see this, and then at the same time, you're saying that your career is taking off?

• 2:02:00Speaker 03

  That is, I, I've never had a more, um, successful career than after babies and being married to Moses, like, all of a sudden, I thought that's when I was gonna slow down. And now all of a sudden, I'm signed to CAA, I'm doing sold out shows, The Greek and the Radio City Music Hall, and Royal Albert Hall, and I'm doing arenas next year in, in Auckland, shout out New Zealand, and, um.

• 2:02:17Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:02:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I'm like, it's, it's never been crazier, it's, I've done Broadway, I've done all the shows, I did Euphoria and Hacks, and it's, it's insane, it's wild, it's the craziest thing.

• 2:02:28Speaker 04

  What, what do you attribute the success now professionally to?

• 2:02:32Speaker 03

  That's a really good question, there's a lot, I think, I think, you know, I've always put in the work, a lot of people are like, you know, you put in the work, and I have, I've always believed in myself, I've always put in the work. Um, but I think things had to fall into place, I think I needed stability, which is what Moses provided, I think people always liked me and like wanted to work with me, I think I was just so all over the place. And it's scary, and I, how I presented myself online, I wouldn't want to connect myself to either personally or professionally, so I understand why people were scared to work with me or, and now with the discussion about mental health and all these things, I think people understand it so much better and see it. And I'm appreciative now that those old videos are out there, because people are still going through their kitchen floor eras and stuff, and they can see there's hope.

• 2:03:13Speaker 04

  Yes, and, and Moses in particular, how, how is it that he supports you? Because you said, he gives you a sense of stability, so how does he provide that stability?

• 2:03:24Speaker 03

  Honestly, just being himself, he is such a beacon of calmness. Moses is the most calm man. He is the most nonjudgmental man you'll ever meet. Zero judgment. Our vows, it was so beautiful, his vows to me. Like, he has zero judgment towards anybody. He has a philosophy. He's very into like water philosophy and stuff like that. He has these philosophies. And he really thinks like you either like love everyone or you hate everyone. Like, there's just love or hate, that's it. Like, you can't love one person and hate another. Because I was like, no, I hate this person. And he's like, no, like, it's either all love, all hate. So he's an all-love person. He loves everyone. Even if people do him wrong, even if people talk shit about him, like, he is not bothered by it. And he is calm. Whenever I would have outbursts or triggers, he'd always be like, just take a minute, just take a beat. Like, he's just always been a very calming person,

• 2:04:09Speaker 03

  that everything will be okay. I tell him, hey, I'm a million dollars in debt. It's gonna be okay.

• 2:04:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:04:13Speaker 03

  One day at a time. And it's like, very, he just calms. He's just the most calming person, that everything will be okay.

• 2:04:20Speaker 04

  The power of we.

• 2:04:21Speaker 03

  The power of we.

• 2:04:22Speaker 04

  And this is why this is so special. Can I show you this? Can I show you something?

• 2:04:25Speaker 03

  Oh, is there more?

• 2:04:26Speaker 04

  Oh, my god.

• 2:04:28Speaker 03

  I love more pictures. Close your eyes.

• 2:04:30Speaker 04

  Close your eyes on this one.

• 2:04:31Speaker 03

  I love a close eyes.

• 2:04:32Speaker 04

  This is what I've... What does this photo mean to you?

• 2:04:41Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh. This is the... Oh, I'm actually gonna cry. This is my happily ever after. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, with like the sun. Like, to me, this is like, this is like heaven. Like, I just feel like, okay, you search for the meaning of life, and like, what is life? What is my purpose? Why am I here? And it's like this right here. My dad's up here. He was such an important part of my book and my story, because it just started out so rough. And my dad is like the best grandfather to my kids. If we call him, he's three hours away. He comes to be with my kids. My kids are obsessed with him. Like, my daughter has so much love, surrounded by her, with Moses being the best dad, my dad, my mom, everybody. And my kids are surrounded by like so much love now. And it's like, it's the best.

• 2:05:26Speaker 03

  My dad comes on every vacation with us. He flew to the Royal Albert Hall for 24 hours to see me perform. Like, yeah, it's just like, my life is like perfect. And no matter what happens professionally, financially, like whatever, in the past doesn't matter. Like, this is what I have. And I continue to have it. And it's, and I'm just, I'm so... This is like the best picture ever. Can I keep this one?

• 2:05:49Speaker 04

  You can keep that.

• 2:05:49Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 2:05:50Speaker 04

  You can keep that one. Trisha, look at what you've created.

• 2:05:54Speaker 03

  Oh, my god. It's truly miraculous. We don't know why we're here, but I do know it's really fun when you have purpose. And this is my purpose.

• 2:06:02Speaker 04

  Yeah. I tell you what, every time I see this photo, I've looked at all these photos before you came in. And every time I would go back to this photo, I would just smile.

• 2:06:11Speaker 03

  It's beautiful.

• 2:06:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:06:13Speaker 03

  I can't, I can't help but smile too. It's like, damn.

• 2:06:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, the sunrise. It's like, it is perfect.

• 2:06:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:06:19Speaker 04

  It is perfection.

• 2:06:20Speaker 03

  I'm gonna frame this one.

• 2:06:21Speaker 04

  It is perfection. I have one last surprise for you.

• 2:06:27Speaker 03

  Okay, is it a good one?

• 2:06:28Speaker 04

  It is my favorite of all.

• 2:06:30Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 2:06:31Speaker 04

  There's a tissue there if you like.

• 2:06:32Speaker 03

  Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh. I think this is the first one that I've cried. Oh, my god. I feel like I haven't cried since I asked me last time I cried. I'm like, maybe 2021, when I was going to be like, I'm like, I haven't cried. I don't get a cry like this ever.

• 2:06:42Speaker 04

  I tell you what, this last surprise is my favorite. So you have to close your eyes once again. I know at this point, you trust me.

• 2:06:51Speaker 03

  I trust you. It's all been good, even the Pulp Fiction VHS.

• 2:06:55Speaker 04

  This is a special gift for you. I'd like for you to open that up and read it, please.

• 2:07:02Speaker 03

  Oh, a little letter. Oh, my gosh. This is so exciting.

• 2:07:08Speaker 03

  Oh, my god, I'm nervous. Oh, my gosh.

• 2:07:10Speaker 04

  If you could read it out loud for us.

• 2:07:17Speaker 03

  Okay, "Dear Trisha, okay, I'm like, okay, when we first met, the world shut down and gave us the rare gift of getting to know each other in our own little bubble. In the few times we stepped out into the real world, it always warmed my heart to see the joy and light you bring into people's lives. Your excitement to meet new people and the genuine kindness you showed them were the first glimpses I saw of your potential and your destiny to change the world.

• 2:07:41Speaker 03

  So many people who knew you longer than I have, who knew your history, your struggles, your desires, and your dreams, followed your journey closely. They watched to see if it was possible, if there was a real chance to find contentment and happiness. Then you began a journey that was mostly hidden from the public eye. Hours, days, and years of hard work and meditation. No matter how difficult the times were, you kept going and never gave up on yourself. Once you created a strong foundation based on love and a positive mindset, the home we both wished for manifested, and our family started to...

• 2:08:12Speaker 03

  Today,

• 2:08:15Speaker 03

  today when I look at our family and the career you have built, I'm filled with happiness, knowing that you've changed the world for me, for our children, and for the millions of people who watch you and have been waiting for this miracle.

• 2:08:28Speaker 03

  You've always given so much entertainment and joy to the world, and now you also give them hope and a future they can look forward to. I love you with all my heart and will always be by your side." It's from Moses?

• 2:08:39Speaker 04

  From Moses.

• 2:08:42Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh. How did you get this letter? He never writes. I write all our emails.

• 2:08:48Speaker 03

  I thought it was our vows at first, because our vows were beautiful. And then I saw the family, and then I was like, wow. This is current?

• 2:08:54Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:08:55Speaker 03

  How did you get this?

• 2:08:57Speaker 04

  It's magic.

• 2:08:58Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh.

• 2:08:59Speaker 04

  It's magic.

• 2:09:00Speaker 03

  And Moses is someone who doesn't verbally say, he's never been a words of affirmation, like, he doesn't say, "I love you," he shows it. But when our vows was like, one time I heard this, and then hearing this now, I was like... And he does tell me this. He does tell me this from time to time, but...

• 2:09:17Speaker 03

  It was really nice to read. Because he does everything for our family, so this was like, really nice. And it makes me feel supported, because I was really scared to write this book or to do these interviews or talk about all this stuff, because I feel like I've worked really hard to rebrand and re-show the world like a different side of me. So I was scared to ruin all that. And he reassured me. He's like, if it's gonna help one person, like, you should do this. If you feel like it's gonna help someone. So I'm very thankful that I have his support. Ah, I'm gonna cry. That was, yeah, he's everything. Moses is everything.

• 2:09:46Speaker 04

  I can see that he is.

• 2:09:47Speaker 03

  Oh, my goodness. That was, this is my favorite thing ever. I don't think I've ever gotten like a letter from Moses either. He doesn't, he's not much of a writer, but he is good with his words.

• 2:09:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's eloquent.

• 2:10:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:10:00Speaker 04

  Letters are so powerful. And I find them to be so helpful for those of us who, maybe we don't use our voice, right? But we can sit and pour out our emotion. And then what's also so beautiful is, you can sit and you could receive the emotion of it. You could sit with it without being interrupted. And you deserve that.

• 2:10:22Speaker 03

  Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I appreciate you so much. I've always been a fan. I love the questions you asked everyone before, but specifically this one. I've done a lot of interviews. And like, it was nice to not be... I don't mind talking about drama. I know that's what people want. But it's like, the questions you asked about me and how I felt, I really, really appreciated it. I don't know if anyone's really asked those kind of questions. And we skipped over so much that people want to know and drama. And I've talked about it at length. So it's been nice to just talk about how I felt in these moments. So thank you.

• 2:10:53Speaker 04

  Thank you. It's been an honor to sit with you.

• 2:10:56Speaker 03

  You're great. This is why you're so popular. You're so good at this.

• 2:11:00Speaker 04

  But truly, your story is profound. I may have not heard a story that represents resilience more than your story.

• 2:11:14Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 2:11:14Speaker 04

  And I keep thinking about that 18-year-old who came to California with this dream and all of the pain and the storm that she had to walk through to get to where she is today. But guess what? She continued to walk.

• 2:11:33Speaker 03

  She continued to walk.

• 2:11:34Speaker 04

  She continued to walk. She never stopped. And I believe this chapter of your life, Birkins.

• 2:11:45Speaker 03

  Birkins, no more Birkins.

• 2:11:48Speaker 04

  Moses is like, Paul, stop.

• 2:11:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We bought enough Birkins.

• 2:11:53Speaker 04

  No, this next chapter, you will be rewarded for that walk.

• 2:12:00Speaker 03

  I already feel it. I feel like if it all ended tomorrow, I feel like I've been rewarded so much with all of this, the opportunity, the family. I feel like, I don't know how it can get any better. And it keeps getting better, and it's great. But if it's all ended tomorrow, I'd be like, I've lived such a full and happy life in these past like five years. I felt, I felt rewarded already, so.

• 2:12:18Speaker 04

  All right, love it, love it.

• 2:12:22Speaker 04

  Wow. Incredible. I now understand the risk that she's taking by doing conversations like this, by writing her book. And she expressed it at the end. She's talking about things that could possibly harm her brand, could harm the reinvention of her. And the fact that she's still willing to have these truthful conversations is admirable. There's so many things I realized I was ignorant about until I had these conversations and I realized, wow, this is really a thing.

• 2:12:59Speaker 04

  Trisha is one of many women who have come, sat in this chair, and said that they had fractured relationships with women and replaced it with men, but in particular, romantic relationships with men. And then it wasn't until they were able to recognize that, strengthen their relationship with other women, they were able to really empower themselves. And Trisha is a great example of that. She always wanted her father in her life, desperately wanted it, to the point where, because he wasn't, she went out and sought it with all of these other men.

• 2:13:42Speaker 04

  And to see now, her father flying to go see her, to be this exceptional grandfather, you know, to her children, she's getting that dad, right, that she always wanted. I would describe Trisha as a miracle. I saw that you require men to sign an NDA and sometimes have a vasectomy.

• 2:14:07Speaker 03

  Did you ever get a vasectomy?

• 2:14:08Speaker 04

  Who, me? No.

• 2:14:09Speaker 03

  Free ballin', all right.

• 2:14:12Speaker 04

  Literally.

• 2:14:13Speaker 03

  Literally.

• 2:14:16Speaker 04

  So 16 and pregnant and teen mom.

• 2:14:19Speaker 03

  I like got to the realest point in my life as I'm living.

• 2:14:22Speaker 06

  In my car and going to school and also watching my kid.

• 2:14:24Speaker 04

  So Derek is the father of your child?

• 2:14:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, he just showed me a lot of love. And I think sometimes when you're so desperate, you need just a touch of love, but not go for [BLEEP]. And [BLEEP] is what I sadly reached out to.

• 2:14:39Speaker 04

  I remember you were in all the tabloids. You were arrested several times.

• 2:14:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, doing nothing.

• 2:14:44Speaker 04

  So what happened? Well, you got serious there.

• 2:14:48Speaker 06

  It's so surreal because even like our immature fights, I used to be like, well, I will never be there if you die. And then when someone you love really dies, you're like, why did I say all those stupid, hurtful things?

• 2:15:00Speaker 04

  The day that Derek passed, how did you find out?

• 2:15:04Speaker 06

  It's going to bring me to tears.

• 2:15:07Speaker 04

  I have a very important surprise for you. You ready?

• 2:15:12Speaker 06

  Oh, God, that made my whole year.

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