Ep 242: Jameela Jamil

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Mark Normand?

  Hey everybody, here we are. We might be drunk. We're doing it.

• 0:09Sam Morril?

  We're back.

• 0:09Mark Normand?

  What? I'm glad I wore a collar. You look nice.

• 0:12Speaker 02

  Thanks. Hi, how are you?

• 0:13Sam Morril?

  I should've worn a collar.

• 0:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, come on!

• 0:16Sam Morril?

  I fucked up.

• 0:16Speaker 02

  Go home and change, I think.

• 0:18Sam Morril?

  I know, I got nothing. What can I change into? What do we have?

• 0:21Mark Normand?

  I think we got a Klan hood back there.

• 0:23Sam Morril?

  Fuck! The Klan hood doesn't look good on me.

• 0:25Mark Normand?

  That's true, Jewish.

• 0:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 0:27Mark Normand?

  It would burn.

• 0:28Sam Morril?

  This might come out after Labor Day, too. You don't wanna...

• 0:30Mark Normand?

  Ah, good point, the white.

• 0:31Sam Morril?

  The white.

• 0:32Mark Normand?

  What are you doing in town?

• 0:34Speaker 02

  I'm here promoting my new podcast. I've got a filthy and inappropriate new podcast out, so I thought

• 0:41Sam Morril?

  It's filthy?

• 0:41Speaker 02

  this was the right place to come and promote it.

• 0:43Mark Normand?

  You got that right, sister.

• 0:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:45Mark Normand?

  Wait, I did your old one.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  My old one, my other really filthy, jizz-filled podcast.

• 0:50Sam Morril?

  I told a jizz-filled story, I think.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, you did. Yes, you did. You were fantastic. You were both great.

• 0:55Sam Morril?

  You talk about being grumpy in New York. I remember doing yours, because I had to do it in my building's conference room, because it was drilling on my fucking apartment.

• 1:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, that's right.

• 1:03Sam Morril?

  For like two years, so I came on like cranky, but you had a nice energy.

• 1:07Mark Normand?

  Wait, where's the jizz?

• 1:09Sam Morril?

  Well, I told a story.

• 1:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, I see, I see.

• 1:11Sam Morril?

  I told a story about a woman blowing me.

• 1:13Speaker 02

  We just had sex, that's what you meant.

• 1:14Sam Morril?

  I just had sex with her. I jerked off on the Zoom. They didn't release it. It was a mess.

• 1:19Mark Normand?

  Jizz-filled is a great pod name.

• 1:21Sam Morril?

  Jizz-filled?

• 1:22Speaker 02

  So you were angry that day?

• 1:23Mark Normand?

  Worst donut.

• 1:24Sam Morril?

  I was grumpy, but you said that New Yorkers are angry. Angry, I don't... More grumpy than angry.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  I thought you just hated me.

• 1:31Sam Morril?

  Did you really think that?

• 1:32Speaker 02

  That's why I didn't even, for a while, even try and come on to this podcast.

• 1:36Sam Morril?

  You thought I hated you?

• 1:37Speaker 02

  You fucking hates me, yeah.

• 1:38Sam Morril?

  No, you didn't.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  I did!

• 1:40Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:40Speaker 02

  I just thought you were... But now I know, it's just you were just an angry New Yorker in New York.

• 1:45Sam Morril?

  I've never... This is... I've never heard this.

• 1:47Mark Normand?

  He's a persnickety, but he's a sweet guy. Once you get to know him.

• 1:50Speaker 02

  He's a sweet, lovely man. I liked you. I just thought...

• 1:52Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 1:53Mark Normand?

  Well, you're the one.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Have I made it weird?

• 1:55Mark Normand?

  No, no, that's what we do here. I like how jizz-filled was fine, but this is getting strange.

• 2:01Mark Normand?

  Well, what's the new part about?

• 2:02Speaker 02

  The new podcast, it's called Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil, and it's a celebration of all of our more embarrassing moments. Like, I think I've just hit a plateau of how much, maybe a limit even of how much

• 2:14Sam Morril?

  I thought it was about women drivers.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  It's a nightmare. I'm sick of how positive everyone is on social media. I can't take it anymore.

• 2:24Mark Normand?

  Positive. What Twitter feed are you on?

• 2:26Speaker 02

  Not yours. I think we're on very different algorithms. But I can't stand this obsession with turning everything negative into a positive silver lining and everything that, you know, everything mortifying that happens to you is supposed to lead to you becoming some sort of fucking billionaire

• 2:41Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  in an ice bath. I was like, we need somewhere, I think shame shared is shame halved, and I think we need to just be toxic. No more toxic positivity, just a space just to be toxic.

• 2:53Mark Normand?

  Regular toxic.

• 2:54Speaker 02

  Tell our most embarrassing stories.

• 2:55Sam Morril?

  I love toxic people.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  I know you do.

• 2:57Sam Morril?

  How did you know that?

• 2:58Speaker 02

  I got that sense on our Zoom.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  So, it's just lots of the funniest people around. I would love for both of you to come on, especially now that I know you don't hate me.

• 3:07Sam Morril?

  Where did this come from?

• 3:09Mark Normand?

  Man.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  And I would, and I would love for you to tell your stories, but the stories are unbelievable.

• 3:15Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, you just, you feel so much less alone after you've listened to it. And the public send in their embarrassing stories and they're worse than anything any celebrity or comedian would ever admit to, so

• 3:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, great.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  it's a real riot.

• 3:27Mark Normand?

  We could scare you. We got some history.

• 3:29Sam Morril?

  I like bonding through some sadness, too.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  So do I. I think it's, I think shitting your pants, et cetera.

• 3:35Sam Morril?

  I once shit my pants on my school bus in New York City.

• 3:38Mark Normand?

  Last year.

• 3:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah. I was on the short bus. I was going to a gig. No, I, no, I was in, I think, second grade and we were stuck in midtown traffic and I couldn't hold it and I just shit my pants and

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Did you shart or did you fully go for it?

• 3:54Sam Morril?

  And no, I didn't shart. I just, I was like, I knew it was coming. I was like, I was like, I can't, I was a child. I can't hold it anymore and And a kid, and I just went, and a kid, and then some guy goes, uh, "You're bluffing." And, uh, I was like, "No, I'm not."

• 4:09Mark Normand?

  You're bluffing?

• 4:10Sam Morril?

  He says, "I'm bluffing," and then he, he felt the pants, and goes, "Nah, he's not bluffing."

• 4:13Mark Normand?

  Ah!

• 4:14Speaker 02

  That's foul.

• 4:15Sam Morril?

  I shit my pants.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Have you ever done it as an adult?

• 4:17Sam Morril?

  I have not as an adult, thank God.

• 4:19Mark Normand?

  I've jizzed my pants as an adult.

• 4:21Sam Morril?

  Same, many times.

• 4:22Mark Normand?

  Strip club.

• 4:23Sam Morril?

  Two minutes ago.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 4:24Mark Normand?

  When you walked in.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  That's why you were so sweaty.

• 4:26Mark Normand?

  That's right, that was not sweat. Well, you know, you strip club as young, there was a thing, I'm from New Orleans, and if you're 18, on your 18th birthday, you go to a strip club, and you get a lap dance, and it's like a hundred bucks for a lap dance on the stage, and if you get a boner, you have to pay the money, but if you don't, you don't have to pay the hundo. So as a kid, you're like-

• 4:47Sam Morril?

  If you don't get a boner, you go to hell, so...

• 4:49Mark Normand?

  Well, I was just like fighting that boner the whole time, you're 18, there's a hot naked lady grinding on you, so not only did I get a boner, but I blew a load, so I got my money's worth.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  An extra penalty?

• 5:00Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Love, love that. There was a woman, uh, who wrote in, she was a wedding planner, and she, um, you're all right with more shit stories, aren't you?

• 5:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 5:09Speaker 02

  Very briefly. So she had this bride who shit herself, uh, just as she was about to walk down the aisle, because she was taking all those diet products, you know, those sort of influencer diet teas, to try and shed as much weight as possible.

• 5:21Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  So she fully shit, fully, uh, into the dress, but she's wearing, it's a white dress.

• 5:26Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 5:27Speaker 02

  But she's wearing all of this, like, construction gear underneath to make her look even thinner, so it's locked into all the construction gear.

• 5:35Mark Normand?

  The Spanx are holding it.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  So it hasn't gone out through to the white dress yet.

• 5:39Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  And so they're in a field, there's nowhere for them to go and wash, so she's like, "What do you want to do? Do you want to call off the wedding?" She's like, "No, I'm not gonna call off the wedding, I'm gonna walk down the aisle." So this woman walks, like, packed into her own shit, down the aisle, um, gets married, and then afterwards, it's now time for the reception immediately.

• 5:58Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  And so she's like, "There's nothing we could do, we can't change you, because there's too much risk of the brown."

• 6:03Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  You know, finding its way through.

• 6:05Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  So she's like, "All right, I'm gonna stay in the dress for the entire..." No, because it's, it's locked in.

• 6:09Mark Normand?

  It's tight in there.

• 6:10Speaker 02

  Women are wearing all kinds of devices inside- It's like bulletproof.

• 6:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 6:14Speaker 02

  Everything that's going on down there. So it's all locked in. No one's really smelling anything. She's wearing a lot of perfume, as is everyone else.

• 6:20Mark Normand?

  Loaded toilet.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  And then she, yeah. That's why they call it that. Yeah. And so, uh, so she's, so she decides she wants to carry on and do her first dance. So she does her first dance with her husband. He at one point has to dip her and his hands are down the small of her back.

• 6:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 6:39Speaker 02

  So he accidentally pushes all the shit up her bodycon wear, up the dress, up her back. And then it goes out the back of the dress.

• 6:48Mark Normand?

  Like a ketchup packet.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  Now there's suddenly poo pouring out the back of this woman's dress.

• 6:54Sam Morril?

  And you're gonna think of that every time you're like trying to get the last part out of a toothpaste tube. Like, oh, fuck, disgusting.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're traumatized for life. It's happening in front of all the guests. And now everyone is just wondering what the fuck is going on? Like, how is she shitting out of her back?

• 7:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Um, which is actually quite a slay, really.

• 7:10Mark Normand?

  Sure, sure.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  And then, uh, the husband was, you know, good natured about it and obviously horrified, washed his hands many, many times. And then just said, "Listen, I'm fine with everything. I just, I'd rather not do the bit where I have to take her garter off with my teeth."

• 7:25Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 7:25Sam Morril?

  Oh, my god.

• 7:26Mark Normand?

  Wanna go down there?

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Isn't that sweet?

• 7:27Mark Normand?

  Now, do you give the daughter the wedding dress? Does that tradition still carry on?

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Hundred percent.

• 7:32Mark Normand?

  Okay. Well, that's a little story.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  I think it's worth more now, yeah.

• 7:35Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 7:35Sam Morril?

  That is brutal.

• 7:36Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  It's pretty disgusting.

• 7:38Mark Normand?

  Boy, wow.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  So if you, yeah, if you, if you wanna ruin your lunch, but make your day better, listen to my new podcast, Wrong Turns.

• 7:44Mark Normand?

  I love, wow, I'm sold.

• 7:45Sam Morril?

  I'm sold, yeah.

• 7:46Mark Normand?

  What a story.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  It's not just poo stories. It's also humiliating sex stories and stalker stories.

• 7:50Sam Morril?

  We've got so many of those.

• 7:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, same. I shit myself as a kid at a, on a field trip. And then we had to take a bus back. And everyone knew I did it. It was like, it was out there. So we had to take the bus back after the field trip. I'm covered in shit, big pants, big bulge in the back. And I'm, all the kids walk on the bus. They saved the front seat for me, like Rosa Parks. And the teacher, I'm walking on, he goes, "Wait, wait, wait." Pulls out the, the, the New York Times, puts it on the seat and goes, "Now you can sit down." And the whole fucking bus died laughing.

• 8:20Sam Morril?

  Ironically before the New York Times went to shit.

• 8:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. So that was, that was brutal.

• 8:26Sam Morril?

  Damn dude.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  Brutal, but I'm very proud of you both for not shitting yourself as adults. It's very tight assholes you both have.

• 8:32Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  Well done.

• 8:33Sam Morril?

  Also, you can get to a toilet here.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  You get to give very often.

• 8:36Sam Morril?

  Thank you.

• 8:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  Felt really nice.

• 8:37Sam Morril?

  I think you can get to a toilet in this city. If, if there's an emergency, they'll let you in there. So there have been situations where I'm like, shit, I gotta get to a bathroom, but.

• 8:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  You always can.

• 8:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:48Mark Normand?

  It's be, it's New York City. You could shit between cars and no one would blink.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  I've done that.

• 8:53Mark Normand?

  No way. Send me that video.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  I did it. I was 26.

• 8:57Mark Normand?

  What?

• 8:58Speaker 02

  It was on Santa Monica Boulevard, um, right by 3rd Street Promenade. It was on 5th Street. And I just, I got hit with something unpredictable in my stomach and, um, I shit all over the road and then I had to hide between two cars and I continued to sit there and shit and then cry and then laugh and then piss, because you may as well.

• 9:18Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  And then there was a rogue lettuce on the ground. I was alone, yes. Uh, and no one would help me because, um, I think they thought I was unhoused.

• 9:25Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  And so they were just running away from me with their children, broad daylight. Um, it was a November afternoon. And then I found like a lettuce, just a rogue lettuce in the street. And I was like, maybe I could use that to clean myself. But obviously it's not a, one of the more porous vegetables.

• 9:41Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  So it just sort of schmear it around, made it significantly worse. So then I had to take all my clothes off and I ran back to my hotel pussy, pussy out.

• 9:50Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, cu- covered in my stuff, covered in my lunch from yesterday.

• 9:56Mark Normand?

  Jesus. If I saw that, I'd be like.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Run through.

• 9:59Mark Normand?

  Some LA organic hobo has to use lettuce to wipe their ass.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:02Mark Normand?

  Here we go.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  It's unbelievable. So, um, that was humbling. And I think since then I've been really obsessed with disaster. Cause I think it's character building. It's much more relatable. I fucking hate perfect people.

• 10:13Mark Normand?

  Agreed.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  And I'm, I'm championing the disgusting.

• 10:16Mark Normand?

  That feels like a Joker's prank. Like, alright, you gotta shit between cars, use the lettuce and then run home with your vag out into the wind.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  There was one comedian who came on and talked about the fact that he started having sex with this woman and then the house starts being broken into and he just keeps fucking her.

• 10:31Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  He, he, he keeps having sex with her to completion during a break in.

• 10:36Mark Normand?

  Breaking an egg.

• 10:37Sam Morril?

  I would never have that problem. I'm a premature ejaculator. So, lucky me. No, that's crazy.

• 10:43Mark Normand?

  Well, what happened? Did they, did they get killed or?

• 10:46Speaker 02

  They didn't get killed. They survived to tell the story, but they almost got killed. Um, he, he managed to make his way out of there.

• 10:52Sam Morril?

  You make the burglars kind of uncomfortable, right? They're like, why do they keep fucking?

• 10:55Speaker 02

  The woman bolted out the house and he locked himself in the bathroom. And then was eventually rescued by the police. It wasn't someone who was just trying to burglar. It was someone who's trying to break in and attack them.

• 11:03Sam Morril?

  Do we know the comedian?

• 11:03Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 11:04Sam Morril?

  Do we know this comedian?

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Um, I'm gonna save it for when it comes out.

• 11:07Mark Normand?

  Okay, you gotta watch the pod. Alright, shit. Damn, who could that be?

• 11:11Speaker 02

  You definitely know the comedian.

• 11:12Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 11:12Sam Morril?

  Was it Jim Jeffries?

• 11:13Speaker 02

  I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you anything. I'll tell you later.

• 11:16Sam Morril?

  Cause I know this happened. I know Jim got burgled once.

• 11:19Mark Normand?

  I'm just praying it wasn't Russell Brand. Okay. But, geez, boy, these are, you got quite a collection. I gotta come in swinging with, with my stories.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, you have time.

• 11:30Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  There we go.

• 11:31Mark Normand?

  Do you do Zoom or you do it here?

• 11:34Sam Morril?

  Wow!

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Did you eat chicken?

• 11:36Mark Normand?

  I did!

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Ah!

• 11:38Sam Morril?

  Did you really?

• 11:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Anyone else hard?

• 11:40Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 11:41Mark Normand?

  Alright, that's quite a talent.

• 11:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 11:44Mark Normand?

  Went to like fart.

• 11:45Sam Morril?

  What, yeah, is it usually more jizz related, poop related? Like what, what's, what's the breakdown?

• 11:49Speaker 02

  No, it's everything related. You know, it's how you got fired from jobs, you know? There was that poor guy that, um, found out he won the lottery and then went and shat on his boss's desk. No, I think he pissed all over his boss's desk and then, um, realized he'd read the numbers wrong.

• 12:05Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  And then was extremely fired.

• 12:07Mark Normand?

  That's hilarious.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  There's times I've gotten fired. There's times the audience have. It's just all the humiliating, terrible decisions that you make.

• 12:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  Have you been fired?

• 12:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Couple times.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Which is your best way you've ever been fired?

• 12:19Mark Normand?

  Well, I don't know. What ethnicity are you? Cause I don't want to offend you.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  I'm Pakistani and Indian. I'm incapable of being offended.

• 12:24Mark Normand?

  Okay, great. Different group. Wait, you're Paki and Indy?

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 12:29Mark Normand?

  Damn! That's a, it, conflict inside, right?

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:33Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 12:33Speaker 02

  Make sure you don't say that word in England ever, though.

• 12:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry. Sorry. It was a, it was a shortening, uh, what do you call it? Term endearment. Like Sammy or Marky.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, no.

• 12:44Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  You go ahead and try that one on stage in England.

• 12:48Mark Normand?

  All right, well, either way, I was on a shoot for a Halloween show for America, what was that, AOL?

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:55Mark Normand?

  And they said, I hosted a Halloween contest. I was the host, people come up with different costumes, and I got to judge them and zing them, you know? So one Catwoman walks on. She looked amazing, hot lady, tight leather, whatever. She's got the big whip, the ears, the whiskers. She walks off and an African queen comes in, like a Zulu queen, and I go, "Watch that whip around the African." And the fucking cameras wilted, the plants died, the lights turned off, and I got fired.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  You got, yeah, that's fair.

• 13:27Mark Normand?

  I thought it was clever. Slavery.

• 13:30Sam Morril?

  We got it.

• 13:31Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 13:33Mark Normand?

  Well, that's the other thing. Before I got the job, they were like, "Be edgy. We like edgy."

• 13:36Sam Morril?

  They always say that.

• 13:37Mark Normand?

  They always say that.

• 13:38Sam Morril?

  I remember I booked the benefit once and I was excited, free benefit, you know, I'm not getting paid, but it was Joe Torre from the New York Yankees.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:45Sam Morril?

  I grew up a huge Joe Torre fan, so I was like, and my agent's a huge Yankees fan, so he was like, "They want you. Like, this is like, really cool. You get to hang out with Joe Torre."

• 13:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:53Sam Morril?

  "There's gonna be Yankees legends there. It's a great cause. It's like domestic abuse." And I was like, okay, you know, he was beaten as a kid.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 14:00Sam Morril?

  And, and I was like, "Oh, I'm so excited." And then I just never heard. And I was like, "What happened to like, uh, his wife saw your act?"

• 14:08Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 14:08Sam Morril?

  And I was like, "His wife hates me?" I'm like, "What joke?" And he was like, "I don't know." But I just lost it.

• 14:12Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 14:13Speaker 02

  That's fucking shit.

• 14:14Mark Normand?

  I had a wife fire me as well.

• 14:16Sam Morril?

  Fucking wives!

• 14:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I did a gig for a pharmaceutical company, and I did a whole bunch of drug dealer jokes. And she was like, "That's inappropriate. That's over the line." I'm like, "You guys sell drugs! That's funny. Drug dealer."

• 14:28Speaker 02

  I think that is funny.

• 14:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:29Mark Normand?

  Thank you!

• 14:30Speaker 02

  When they say they want edgy, they just mean they want you to say fuck.

• 14:33Mark Normand?

  I guess so, yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 14:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they don't want honest edgy.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  They want you to add fuck into a very safe joke, and then people feel like they saw something really raw, and that they're not at work right now.

• 14:42Mark Normand?

  They don't want the jizz filled.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  That's what they mean. No, no. I got fired for stealing.

• 14:46Mark Normand?

  Stealing?

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Stealing.

• 14:47Mark Normand?

  A shoplift?

• 14:49Speaker 02

  No, no, I was working there. I stole from my own store that I worked in, which is pathetic inception. Um, I was working at a video store. It's my favorite job I ever had. I worked there for years and years and years. And um, towards the end of my time working there, we had suddenly got Haagen Dazs, the ice cream.

• 15:07Mark Normand?

  Love it.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  You know, if you're a broke teenager and you'd never tried Haagen Dazs before.

• 15:12Mark Normand?

  What?

• 15:13Speaker 02

  It was, uh, it rocked my world.

• 15:16Mark Normand?

  It's amazing.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  I was allowed to try one because one of the, it was Pralines and cream.

• 15:20Mark Normand?

  Geez, going right to the hard stuff.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I, uh, I tried some Pralines and cream and it like evoked a maniac inside of me.

• 15:28Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  And I suddenly became addicted and I'd been left in charge of the store for the first time ever. I'd all my dreams had always just been to be the manager of the video store. And I had my shot to be able to impress all the people, you know, in the company. I think it was either Vidbiz or Apollo or Blockbuster at this time. I worked at all three. And so I'm, um, it was Apollo. So I, uh, so they leave me in charge for two weeks. And I just start going, I'm just gonna have one.

• 15:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Have, just gonna get one more. I'm just gonna get one more, just one more. And I'll say that, you know, people gave them to me as part of a deal. I'll just not tell people about the deal where you get two DVDs and one Haagen Dazs. I'll just give them the two DVDs. I'll just keep skimming off the top, skim off the top, skim off the top.

• 16:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  I'm gonna be the president of the United States one day. Uh, and so I, um, so I keep going, keep going, keep going. And now I've gone past halfway. And this is like, we're talking almost a hundred tubs of ice cream.

• 16:25Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  It was insane. It was something like fifty or a hundred tubs. Like it was dozens and dozens. And so I, um.

• 16:31Mark Normand?

  These are the pints.

• 16:32Speaker 02

  Pints.

• 16:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, gotcha.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I'm like, fuck, I've now eaten too many to cover for myself. I'm gonna have to finish them all and tell them that the freezer broke. So that's what I do. I eat all the entire fridge of Haagen Dazs.

• 16:48Mark Normand?

  Oh my, you got a problem.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  In under two weeks, I almost went blind with blood sugar.

• 16:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, no diabetes.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  I, I save all the, um, packets and I put them in a bin liner and I tell, and I unplug the fridge and I'm like. The fucking fridge broke, I'm so sorry. While you were away and so all the ice cream went away and like, look, here's the evidence.

• 17:05Mark Normand?

  Geez, diabolical.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  What I didn't know is that the camera that was

• 17:09Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  Behind the cashier desk that they told us didn't work, very much so did work.

• 17:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  I'd say better than any other camera in the store. And I was forced to sit there and watch.

• 17:22Sam Morril?

  We're disgusted by you. You should get help.

• 17:24Speaker 02

  I know, I know, I know. So I was forced to watch in fast forward, me going back and forth and taking every single pint of ice cream.

• 17:32Sam Morril?

  Were you always this thin?

• 17:33Speaker 02

  Um, huh? I was not. I was not. I was not.

• 17:37Mark Normand?

  That's why you're cool.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  What?

• 17:39Mark Normand?

  Cause you were a fat, fat lady.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  I was a, I was, yeah, yeah.

• 17:43Sam Morril?

  You were, you were hefty young one.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  I was every, I was every size as a kid. I was super, super skinny and anorexic and then I got bigger and then I was, I was all the things, all the people, all the vibes, all the looks.

• 17:53Sam Morril?

  Cause if you were bigger, they probably already suspected you.

• 17:55Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 17:56Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 17:57Speaker 02

  No, I don't, I think I, maybe I, I got bigger because of that.

• 18:00Mark Normand?

  Obviously, yeah.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  I don't know. I can't remember where I was in my, in my cycle of, of body, body fat, but.

• 18:06Mark Normand?

  That's crazy. Even Nona Ryder would be disgusted by this story.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  I know, but imagine if I was sponsored by Haag and Dars at the court trial. It's so fucking iconic that she got a Marc Jacobs campaign out of that.

• 18:18Mark Normand?

  No way. I didn't know that.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  He dressed her for the, so she stole from Marc Jacobs for anyone who doesn't know. And then he dressed her for her entire trial, which was the most genius PR move that any designer has ever made, ever. Cause how chic. How chic of you to do that.

• 18:32Mark Normand?

  Brilliant.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  And then she became, I believe, the face of Marc Jacobs.

• 18:36Mark Normand?

  Wow. I should be sponsored by a towel company in the hotels. Cause I really yanked the hell out of those.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Oh god, I fucking hope I get a Haag and Dars commercial for this now.

• 18:46Sam Morril?

  I think you get billed.

• 18:47Mark Normand?

  I never checked.

• 18:48Sam Morril?

  You're getting billed.

• 18:49Mark Normand?

  Oh no.

• 18:50Sam Morril?

  I remember I got checked once. They charged me for like stealing a, like a sheet or something. I was like, why would I steal a sheet?

• 18:56Speaker 02

  Why did you steal a sheet?

• 18:56Sam Morril?

  I didn't. It was a mistake.

• 18:59Mark Normand?

  Don't you guys fuck through a sheet?

• 19:00Sam Morril?

  Nah, I was using it as a Klan outfit. God damn it. No, no, I didn't take it. They just charged, it was like a mistake.

• 19:06Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 19:06Sam Morril?

  And they're like, we made a mistake.

• 19:07Mark Normand?

  And I'm sure it wasn't a cheap. Charge.

• 19:09Sam Morril?

  No, it was, it was fucking, it was like a few hundred dollars.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 19:12Mark Normand?

  I gotta look in this towel.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  That's bullshit as well, because there's nothing worse than the bed sheets of a hotel.

• 19:16Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 19:17Sam Morril?

  They're all, can we get a good pillow in hotels?

• 19:19Mark Normand?

  I know, that's a peeve.

• 19:20Sam Morril?

  That's a peeve.

• 19:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the pillow is brutal.

• 19:22Sam Morril?

  Every hotel pillow is shit.

• 19:24Mark Normand?

  They're shit, they're too flimsy. I gotta like pack that thing in like a, like a jizz filled asshole.

• 19:28Sam Morril?

  Like my dick into a Magnum condom.

• 19:31Mark Normand?

  What?

• 19:32Speaker 02

  I don't know how we get through the day. Life is so hard for us.

• 19:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  These five star hotels.

• 19:37Mark Normand?

  Ah, yeah, it's not easy up there. So what happened? You got fat and you got fired?

• 19:42Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 19:43Mark Normand?

  Damn. Did you kick the addiction? Cause we brought you a bunch of chocolate, cause we heard your-

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Have you got chocolate for me? I love chocolate.

• 19:48Sam Morril?

  We heard you like dark chocolate and we went all out.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. I love that. Thank you.

• 19:52Mark Normand?

  Alright, you don't have to steal it. We'll give it right to you.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had my eyes on it already. You've taken a lot of the thrill out.

• 19:58Sam Morril?

  You don't drink alcohol?

• 19:59Speaker 02

  I don't drink alcohol.

• 20:00Sam Morril?

  What, what's your-

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Which is quite humiliating, cause actually it's a really good excuse for all the stupid shit I've done.

• 20:06Sam Morril?

  That's true.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  It's all been done sober.

• 20:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting. Good point.

• 20:10Sam Morril?

  It doesn't work though. You do something bad, drunk, people are still mad.

• 20:13Speaker 02

  Not as mad.

• 20:14Sam Morril?

  I don't know. You say the N word loud in the bar, people get pissed.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  I was, um-

• 20:19Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna say, and I've done it, I'm saying if you do it.

• 20:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  I, uh, I was a pill addict for a while.

• 20:24Mark Normand?

  Ooh, wow.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Am I cool again?

• 20:26Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 20:27Mark Normand?

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• 21:12Mark Normand?

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• 21:25Mark Normand?

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• 22:06Mark Normand?

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• 22:14Sam Morril?

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• 22:30Speaker 02

  Thank you. It was just codeine, which they were giving out willy-nilly. And so I was taking that at the time and then I became addicted to it. And most people get sleepy on codeine, but I for some reason have some sort of upside-down land in my brain where I always have the reverse effect of any drug. And so it made me unbelievably chatty. And I would take it late at night, thinking I was gonna go to sleep. And it would make me unbelievably chatty, but I would have no recollection of any of this because I was out of my mind. And I was taking a lot of it at the time. And I had, at the end of this year, I received a phone bill for 17,000 pounds, right?

• 23:15Speaker 02

  Which is like 20 grand. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? So I call up the phone company. I'm like, you've overcharged me by about... Seventeen times.

• 23:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Um, and they go through my bill and they're like, no, you've been calling all these ex-directory phone numbers. And I was like, no, I haven't.

• 23:31Mark Normand?

  Whoa, you blacked out?

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm in my twenties. I'm, I'm, you know, I'm a, a DJ at the time.

• 23:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  I would never be calling all of these ex-directory sex numbers.

• 23:40Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  So like, you've been calling sex workers in the middle of the night. I was like, I haven't been doing that.

• 23:44Mark Normand?

  This is crazy.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  And I, I then talked to my roommate and he's like, I do hear you talking in the middle of the night. And I was like, what do you mean?

• 23:53Sam Morril?

  You're, are you sleepwalking calling people?

• 23:55Speaker 02

  I'm sleepwalk kind of, or maybe awake and high.

• 23:58Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  I'm phoning basically anyone who will talk to me. So obviously people who are paying you by the pound. And it was psychics, it was sex workers, it was some sort of online therapy or whatever, phone therapy.

• 24:13Sam Morril?

  And you're probably blowing the shit out of these sex workers. They're like, just talk dirty to me.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  But also like, these are recorded. Like, someone's got thousands of hours.

• 24:20Sam Morril?

  You have no idea what you were saying.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  Of me saying god knows what, god knows whose secrets, just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I haven't taken any, any, um, substantive.

• 24:29Sam Morril?

  So coding causes blackouts?

• 24:31Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 24:32Mark Normand?

  I guess so.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  I can't, it just in me, you know, melatonin makes me wired awake, like I've had coke, like I have, I live in.

• 24:37Sam Morril?

  Melatonin?

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:38Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 24:39Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm up for three days if I have one melatonin gummy.

• 24:42Sam Morril?

  I don't sleep well. I feel like I'm in and out on melatonin.

• 24:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, same. But if you have the reverse effect, what if you take a plan B? You're gonna get pregnant.

• 24:49Speaker 02

  That actually happened to me.

• 24:50Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 24:51Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I took a plan B and I got pregnant.

• 24:53Sam Morril?

  Where's the body?

• 24:54Speaker 02

  I know.

• 24:56Mark Normand?

  What happened? Abortion?

• 24:58Speaker 02

  Um, imagine if I was just like, when you said that, it was just like.

• 25:01Mark Normand?

  Oh no.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I had a little, a cheeky little abortion.

• 25:03Mark Normand?

  I see a finger coming out of the cow. Wow, that's crazy. So wait, so you.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I got into a lot of trouble for talking about that publicly because I said that it was the best decision of my life and then people got mad.

• 25:13Mark Normand?

  Oh boy.

• 25:13Speaker 02

  So then I took it back and I said, I'm sorry, it wasn't the best decision of my life. Cutting bangs was actually the best decision of my life. And then my abortion, and then I got into. Way more trouble.

• 25:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, well, keep going, sister.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  I'm a publicist's dream.

• 25:26Mark Normand?

  You're like an onion, though.

• 25:27Sam Morril?

  Is this a publicist?

• 25:27Mark Normand?

  Before you peel, before it sticks.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  Yep, yep, she's new.

• 25:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow, you got a real, uh, live one here.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Live one, yeah.

• 25:35Mark Normand?

  This is crazy. Boy, I wanna keep unraveling.

• 25:38Sam Morril?

  With the abortion in America or no?

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Um, no, it was in England.

• 25:42Sam Morril?

  In England.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:43Mark Normand?

  They're legal there.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  Yes, we love them, yeah.

• 25:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 25:47Mark Normand?

  We're in a, our abortions are like weed. Here, it's okay, not here, you can't.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 25:51Mark Normand?

  Just trying to have a good time.

• 25:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:53Mark Normand?

  You know, but.

• 25:55Sam Morril?

  And, and did you, uh, sorry, this is too personal a question, but did you know who the father was?

• 25:59Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, I did, yeah. Yeah, we were both pro not having a baby together. We didn't know each other. And we took every precaution not to. Used a condom.

• 26:06Sam Morril?

  Did he pay for it?

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Um, we went halves.

• 26:09Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 26:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, good for you, a modern woman.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Sure, sure, sure. We went halves. I was like, we were both responsible for this.

• 26:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  The condom broke, the, then the plan B had the reverse effect because of Upside Down Land.

• 26:21Mark Normand?

  Hey.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  And also because I weighed over a hundred and seventy-five pounds and it doesn't work as well on you if you weigh over a hundred and seventy-five pounds.

• 26:28Mark Normand?

  Haagen-Dazs.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  And they don't tell you that in the pharmacy, so I had no idea.

• 26:32Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:32Sam Morril?

  I'd like to take that back. I want a refund.

• 26:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 26:35Sam Morril?

  That's crazy.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  They should have paid for the abortion.

• 26:37Sam Morril?

  He should, he should have, he should have paid.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  Huh?

• 26:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he should have paid.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  He offered, but I felt like we were both there.

• 26:43Sam Morril?

  No, it's very.

• 26:43Mark Normand?

  I like that.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  We both did it.

• 26:44Sam Morril?

  That's true, but you gotta go through the abortion.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 26:46Mark Normand?

  That's a good point.

• 26:47Speaker 02

  That's a good point.

• 26:48Mark Normand?

  Good point, and he got the jizz.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  He bought lots of takeout afterwards.

• 26:51Mark Normand?

  Okay, got some Haagen-Dazs.

• 26:52Sam Morril?

  He got the big takeout, thankfully.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 26:57Sam Morril?

  Oh, abortion humor.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  Ah, we love it.

• 27:00Mark Normand?

  Good times, good times.

• 27:01Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 27:02Mark Normand?

  Man, what a run.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  God, we went from shit to abortions real fast.

• 27:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, this is, this is a pretty crass episode even for us. I like it.

• 27:09Mark Normand?

  Nah, I'm having a blast.

• 27:11Sam Morril?

  Jizz, poop, abortion.

• 27:13Mark Normand?

  I feel like you should do the episodes, not, not guess.

• 27:16Speaker 02

  Huh?

• 27:16Mark Normand?

  Because you got a million of these stories.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  It's a, it's a mixed bag, but I become amazed by how many stories I have because I never plan to say anything when I'm on the show. But if some, something about it unearths, unlocks memories.

• 27:29Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  I even watched it happen to both of you. During this chat, you've just been like, oh yeah, I shit my pants one time, I got a boner one time, we all, it just.

• 27:37Sam Morril?

  Oh, I have, I more even was flashing my friend.

• 27:38Mark Normand?

  You're right.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly, that's what it does.

• 27:40Sam Morril?

  My friend, I was having a playdate with a friend and both his parents work, so we had like a nanny taking care of him. And she had to shower the poop off me and I remember her just calling me a dirty, dirty boy.

• 27:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's your kink.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  Has that made a dent?

• 27:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's the only way it can come now, it was terrible.

• 27:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:54Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 27:55Sam Morril?

  Of course I made a dent.

• 27:56Mark Normand?

  Dirty, dirty boy, that's exciting.

• 27:58Sam Morril?

  It was pretty hot.

• 27:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:00Sam Morril?

  I was in second grade, but I was like, something's happening.

• 28:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:03Sam Morril?

  Something's happening to me right now.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  That's how kinks start, isn't it? It's like a, like an embarrassing moment at a time of sexual arousal.

• 28:11Sam Morril?

  Totally.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Which is why some, um, men like to masturbate at sort of women who, that didn't want that. Because part of it is that likely that they were like caught masturbating by like their mum or someone and going like, oh, that's disgusting! At a moment of arousal and now they're chasing.

• 28:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we're all thinking of the same guy.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  I have no idea who you mean.

• 28:34Mark Normand?

  I, I've been caught jerking it and I definitely, that is not a kink. I do not want to be caught, I just want to be left alone on the bus. Don't, don't come near me, but yeah, I've definitely, I've been caught with my dad once, which was a better guy to get caught by than your mum because at least he gets it.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:49Sam Morril?

  What, what did he say?

• 28:50Mark Normand?

  I was in a chair.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  He joined in.

• 28:53Mark Normand?

  I was in a chair and I was going at it to a TV and he walked in, he went, oh, he did one of those and I was like, oh god, and he looked at the porn, it was MILF porn. And I think we kind of bonded on that, cause he's like, he's banging my mom.

• 29:03Speaker 02

  Same age range, yeah.

• 29:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, so he's like, we have a similar taste.

• 29:07Sam Morril?

  Like, like it's a wine, he's like, nice choice.

• 29:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's like, I get it.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Were you masturbating at the family television in the living room?

• 29:14Mark Normand?

  No, I had a little, I had a little shit box in my room and it was, it was a blurry, scrambly.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  Well, that's really on him then, isn't it? How old were you?

• 29:22Mark Normand?

  I was probably fifteen.

• 29:23Sam Morril?

  Did he have a lock on the door or no?

• 29:25Mark Normand?

  No.

• 29:25Sam Morril?

  The no lock, I mean, if I, shit, if I ever have a kid, he's having a lock on that door, I do not want to walk in on jack off.

• 29:31Mark Normand?

  It was rough, but in dude fashion, I pulled up the pants and had dinner and no one brought it up.

• 29:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 29:38Mark Normand?

  He just kind of go with it. He didn't tell anybody, I didn't tell anybody.

• 29:41Sam Morril?

  I did find a MILF porn of mine once, and it was like, I think it was too old, and he was like, "What the fuck is this shit?" And I remember being like, I was like, "I don't know."

• 29:48Speaker 02

  Was it more gilf?

• 29:49Sam Morril?

  It might have been more gilf.

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:51Sam Morril?

  I, I, I was just, you know, I was curious. I was a kid. This was before you could just find all that shit on the internet. So you just, you have a DVD, and we'd pass them around, we'd share them in school.

• 30:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:00Sam Morril?

  Um.

• 30:01Mark Normand?

  Very bonding, community.

• 30:02Sam Morril?

  It was bonding, yeah, you shared it.

• 30:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it was always sticky.

• 30:05Sam Morril?

  I mean, there was fat porn, we had everything. I mean, we'd literally everything.

• 30:08Mark Normand?

  Diversify.

• 30:09Sam Morril?

  Diversify.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  We had a lot of porn in our video store, like, very diverse.

• 30:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:14Sam Morril?

  He's in the back room, the curtain, right?

• 30:16Speaker 02

  So we put it at the front, right by the till, to humiliate people, because we were assholes. Um, and also, I would booby trap it, so that, um, if anyone so much as breathed too hard near it, everything would come tumbling down. And then everyone would turn around and look.

• 30:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  And then I, I, I, um, yeah, I once got a very famous elderly actress.

• 30:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 30:39Speaker 02

  So we stopped doing it after that. It is actually Judi Dench.

• 30:41Sam Morril?

  Is it really?

• 30:43Mark Normand?

  Wait, what? I was thinking of the craziest person.

• 30:45Sam Morril?

  Is it really Judi Dench? What was she looking at?

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Fucking weird, that you get that, yeah.

• 30:50Mark Normand?

  Come on.

• 30:51Sam Morril?

  I mean, British older actress, it was, it was her or Helen Mirren.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  I don't think she even clocked what it was, but she just saw all the videos fall down on her, and I knew, and everyone else in the store knew that she's...

• 31:01Sam Morril?

  Damn, dude.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  It was like, in Diana Jones, Temple of Poon, and I was watching it in slow motion, like, fall onto Dame Judi Dench, and I was like, "Oh, this is the last time I ever do that." That was a psychic weird moment.

• 31:12Sam Morril?

  That was impressive. But that's a peeve, when they go too, kinda like, satirical with the porno. Like, stop trying to be funny in your porn.

• 31:18Mark Normand?

  I don't mind it.

• 31:19Sam Morril?

  I don't love it. I don't love it.

• 31:20Mark Normand?

  I like Saving Ryan's privates, come on.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  Shaving, shaving.

• 31:23Mark Normand?

  Shaving, sorry.

• 31:24Sam Morril?

  I don't need a...

• 31:25Speaker 02

  God, go for an amateur.

• 31:26Sam Morril?

  You wanna, you wanna jerk off to a war porno?

• 31:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, the, the, the theme is...

• 31:30Sam Morril?

  It's a dark, it's a dark movie.

• 31:32Speaker 02

  All right, dirty boy, I think you can come right down.

• 31:34Sam Morril?

  I don't wanna come to, like, the porn version of Life is Beautiful, you know?

• 31:38Mark Normand?

  I don't care, I'll do Regarding Henry, whatever you got, uh...

• 31:41Speaker 02

  My Left Foot.

• 31:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, give me Schindler's List, Schindler's Fist.

• 31:44Sam Morril?

  The only way out of this concentration camp is if you eat this pussy. No, I don't wanna watch that.

• 31:49Mark Normand?

  You're gonna run a train.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  I think you do wanna watch that, yeah. Oh, my god.

• 31:53Mark Normand?

  Hey, look at that Fap to the Future, I'm, I'm sold. You don't like the theme?

• 31:57Sam Morril?

  No, I like just simple. Keep it simple.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Fuck It Mon is great.

• 32:01Mark Normand?

  This is Killer, Wizard of Oz, that doesn't make sense.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  Edward Whathand?

• 32:08Mark Normand?

  Wait a minute.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  Edward, penis hands!

• 32:11Sam Morril?

  Okay, that one is creative.

• 32:13Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  And he looks exactly like Johnny Depp.

• 32:15Mark Normand?

  Womb Raider, now we're talking.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Womb Raider was great.

• 32:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah.

• 32:19Sam Morril?

  See, it's clever, but I don't actually wanna watch it.

• 32:21Mark Normand?

  Okay, Pulp Fiction.

• 32:22Speaker 02

  You don't like puns and humor in your sex? Are you ever funny during sex?

• 32:28Sam Morril?

  Um, by accident usually. Just when I whip it out.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  In a sort of sad way or in a fun way?

• 32:33Sam Morril?

  I had a one night stand recently and I, I, I came very quickly and she was like... There was a lot of foreplay, but I would say like thirty seconds in, pretty quick. The Tale of Two Titties. And she said, uh, and she just, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." I was like, "I'm a comedian, I don't give a shit."

• 32:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  You're like, "I'm gonna tell everyone."

• 32:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I'll tell people, I think it's funny, you know, so I didn't, I didn't care.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  "Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone" makes it so much worse.

• 32:57Sam Morril?

  I know, I thought, I was like, I started cracking up, I was like, "I don't give a shit."

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. I had a boyfriend who used to come very quickly and, um, then I didn't realize that the reason he wanted to start having sex to the radio was because every song he knows is about three minutes.

• 33:12Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 33:13Sam Morril?

  He was a Ramones fucker.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  He was using it to see how, how, like, how long he could last and then as, when he would come, he'd be like, "Two songs."

• 33:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's fun.

• 33:23Speaker 02

  It took me a while to work that out, what that meant.

• 33:25Mark Normand?

  You should put on Stairway to Heaven. Come on, bitch.

• 33:27Sam Morril?

  November Rain.

• 33:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  Pyramids by Frank Ocean, yeah.

• 33:31Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 33:33Sam Morril?

  That's interesting.

• 33:34Mark Normand?

  Smart guy.

• 33:35Sam Morril?

  Was it, was there a lot of foreplay before or was it just he'd go right into it?

• 33:38Speaker 02

  He was just very excited to be there.

• 33:39Sam Morril?

  Hey, who could blame him? It is a compliment.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  I take it only as a compliment.

• 33:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 33:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, when a lady finishes quick, it's very nice because women can keep going.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Highest praise ever, yeah.

• 33:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and you can, you can still finish, so everybody wins.

• 33:53Sam Morril?

  But there's two types, there's like the women who are like, you're like just making out and they're like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna come," and you're like, "What? That doesn't, I've never heard of that." And then there's the type of women who are like, "Oh, I don't come."

• 34:01Mark Normand?

  Right, wait, wait, who's coming when you make out?

• 34:03Sam Morril?

  No, no, no, like, you have those like, like, "Oh my god," remember I was just like, looking at a woman's breasts and she's like, "Easy, easy, I, I could come from that." I was like, "What?"

• 34:10Mark Normand?

  What?

• 34:11Speaker 02

  She's flattering you.

• 34:13Sam Morril?

  Probably, but I was like, she, but then why tell me?

• 34:15Speaker 02

  Unless you're, unless you're like sucking on her tits while she's sitting on a, like a washer dryer.

• 34:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 34:21Speaker 02

  Or a dick.

• 34:22Sam Morril?

  There was another guy there, but, uh...

• 34:26Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you should have married her.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  It's a blessing and a curse, curse the orgasm one.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  I have one other story, but it's about orgasming.

• 34:36Mark Normand?

  Bring it on, I think I finished.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  But it's that, I've already made this so crass.

• 34:39Mark Normand?

  No, come on.

• 34:39Sam Morril?

  It's a good crass episode.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  Okay, sorry.

• 34:42Mark Normand?

  Put it in my crass.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  I talk about this on my podcast, but I-

• 34:44Sam Morril?

  And I'm sorry to the woman whose breasts I sucked, that I believed you.

• 34:47Mark Normand?

  Yes, believe all women.

• 34:49Sam Morril?

  That was very naive.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  I think it's very sweet, but I was DJing once, that's what I used to do, I was a DJ. That's such a good impression, will you do that again? Oh my god, it's like I'm right back there.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  So I was DJing and I used to DJ for young farmers.

• 35:08Mark Normand?

  Young farmers?

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:09Mark Normand?

  Like the app? Oh, it's Farmers Only, sorry.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  Is that where you meet lovers?

• 35:14Mark Normand?

  Well, that's where I think white people go to keep it white.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  Cool, cool, cool.

• 35:20Mark Normand?

  I'm just saying, that's the app, I've never been on it.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  So I, so I was DJing for 6,000 young farmers, because they don't get weekends, because they're out, you know, providing all the eggs and the fruit and everything for us. So every, every few months, there's these huge farmers' balls in England, and I would DJ them very often.

• 35:36Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 35:36Speaker 02

  And they'd be themed, you know, there was a Where's Waldo one, where everyone was dressed identically, which was an incredible spectacle.

• 35:42Mark Normand?

  That's cool.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  From a DJ's perspective, but also it's just loads of drunk, lost farmers, because everyone looks the fucking same, so no one can find each other. It was a terrible disaster and they never did it again. But anyway, this time, it was like 6,000 people, and they've put these huge DJ decks up on top of these ginormous speakers, big enough to be able to play the music out to 6,000 people. And I'm having to DJ on them, and not only are the decks shaking, which is incredibly dangerous, the vinyl, but also, I am a sensitive woman, and after a few minutes, standing on the speakers, start to have an orgasm in front of 6,000 people. But I'm, so I'm trying to like-

• 36:22Mark Normand?

  This is unbelievable.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  Hold it down, and I'm like-

• 36:27Mark Normand?

  What?

• 36:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a nightmare. And people think I'm having an asthma attack, so my tour manager keeps running to me with my little asthma pump, my inhaler, and I'm like, go away!

• 36:38Mark Normand?

  Wow, this is incredible.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  So I'm sending him back, and then I get through the

• 36:43Sam Morril?

  By the way, if a guy does this, he's getting arrested. But if a woman does it, you're like, sweet, that's awesome.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  He didn't know. Everyone thought I'm having an a- but he thinks it's awesome.

• 36:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Oh, I think it's awesome, yeah.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  No, either way, so.

• 36:53Sam Morril?

  If I saw a woman DJing and coming, I'd be like, that's the coolest DJ I've ever seen.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  People would think I was so into my own music. But then, once it's happened once, because women are very sensitive,

• 37:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 37:03Speaker 02

  it starts happening again.

• 37:04Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 37:05Speaker 02

  And again, and again, and again.

• 37:06Mark Normand?

  This is incredible.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  To the point where I pass out. It sounds incredible. It's actually unbearable when it's happening. It's like, once you go over like five,

• 37:15Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  and then past 10, you're like, oh my god, this is how I'm gonna die. There was that woman who wanked herself off to death.

• 37:21Mark Normand?

  What?

• 37:21Speaker 02

  When she was 20, I think she came like, something like 24 times. You can Google this woman.

• 37:26Sam Morril?

  Well, there's a Richard Pryor joke, remember the?

• 37:28Speaker 02

  I think she came like 24 times.

• 37:30Sam Morril?

  His dad died during sex?

• 37:31Mark Normand?

  Oh, came and went at the same time.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  It wasn't the one who died on the beach, but that's sad, to know that that happened as well. Yeah, this was like, back in the day. She, she, I think she came like 24 times from using a sex toy, and then she, her heart gave way.

• 37:45Mark Normand?

  Holy moly.

• 37:46Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  So I was like, this is how I'm gonna die. Like, this is such a humiliating-

• 37:50Sam Morril?

  At what point did it start to feel horrible?

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Four. Four, because you start to need to pee, you can't go anywhere, there's nothing you can do, and then I collapsed. I like, my heart pretty much gave out, but like, I collapsed at the end of the set. My adrenaline kept me going through to the end, and then I just collapsed, and I had to be carried to the car, and I don't remember anything that happened after that for like, the next nine hours. I was unconscious. But that was quite embarrassing.

• 38:14Mark Normand?

  So the ex-boyfriend could have just gotten a speaker.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:16Mark Normand?

  Instead of playing-

• 38:17Speaker 02

  It would have been so much easier.

• 38:18Mark Normand?

  Wow, this is cra- that's like a movie scene.

• 38:20Sam Morril?

  That's like the scene in Private Parts.

• 38:21Mark Normand?

  Yes, pull that up with Jenna Jameson.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  I don't think I've seen that.

• 38:25Sam Morril?

  Oh my, you've never seen the woman, she gets on the speaker and he's going vroom into the speaker?

• 38:31Mark Normand?

  The Howard Stern movie.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Who's Jenna Jameson?

• 38:33Mark Normand?

  She's a porn star.

• 38:34Sam Morril?

  Was it Jenna Jameson?

• 38:34Mark Normand?

  She was in a different part of the movie, but this is-

• 38:37Speaker 02

  Who's that?

• 38:38Mark Normand?

  That's Howard Stern, back when he was-

• 38:40Speaker 02

  He's in a porno?

• 38:41Mark Normand?

  Well, it's a movie about him, but there's a lot of filth in it, obviously. Before he-

• 38:46Sam Morril?

  That was it, I think he had the right scene.

• 38:49Sam Morril?

  Oh, is this the audio? Nah, yeah, it's no good.

• 38:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, YouTube can't show it because she's naked on the speaker.

• 38:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Mark Normand?

  But it's pretty hot.

• 38:57Sam Morril?

  It was pretty goo- it was a funny movie.

• 38:58Mark Normand?

  Great movie, great movie. He's a very different guy now.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  Is he still bullying people on his show?

• 39:05Sam Morril?

  I don't think so. I think he's gotten a little older.

• 39:07Speaker 02

  He's found Jesus.

• 39:08Mark Normand?

  Kind of.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 39:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Uh oh, publicist is standing up and maybe quitting.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  No, she's taking a picture. I love that everything I said up until now, she was fine with, but as soon as I said something mean about Howard Stern, she's off.

• 39:22Sam Morril?

  Don't, don't burn- that's a good publicist. Well, so the DJ, was this, did this only happen to you, this one time DJing?

• 39:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 39:29Sam Morril?

  Because you made-

• 39:30Speaker 02

  After that, I never allowed a DJ deck to be on top of a speaker set or near a speaker set again.

• 39:34Sam Morril?

  Is this a common thing with women, you think?

• 39:36Speaker 02

  I have no idea.

• 39:37Sam Morril?

  Female DJs?

• 39:37Speaker 02

  Well, you think that's why there are so few female DJs?

• 39:39Mark Normand?

  Maybe.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  They're like, it's not safe out there. Clitorally, it's not safe.

• 39:43Mark Normand?

  I guess.

• 39:44Sam Morril?

  Female DJs, female magicians, what, I feel like there's not a lot of in that, in that world, really.

• 39:49Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Why aren't there more female magicians?

• 39:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, why not?

• 39:53Speaker 02

  What's going on there?

• 39:54Mark Normand?

  I think as women, you're more self-aware and you know how cheesy it is to be a magician.

• 39:59Speaker 02

  I think magicians are really cool.

• 40:01Mark Normand?

  Also, as a, as a female magician, you have a hiding spot.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  Really?

• 40:07Mark Normand?

  Where's the card?

• 40:08Speaker 02

  It's exactly shaped for a card, doesn't it?

• 40:10Sam Morril?

  It is.

• 40:11Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 40:12Mark Normand?

  Just saying.

• 40:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:13Mark Normand?

  Extra hiding spot.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  A hun- a hundred percent.

• 40:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  Maybe we've started something today.

• 40:17Sam Morril?

  I know where that card is.

• 40:19Mark Normand?

  Where's my watch? Yeah.

• 40:22Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 40:22Mark Normand?

  Wow, female magician, you don't see that. You don't see a lot of female DJ, a pair of Hilton will DJ.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  People already don't trust women, so like, it would be too hard, someone's already watching your every move.

• 40:31Sam Morril?

  Well, witches back in the day, right?

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, bring that back.

• 40:34Sam Morril?

  Maybe.

• 40:34Mark Normand?

  You made a baby disappear.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:38Mark Normand?

  Did you see the, is it, what was the name of that, the documentary with the DJ who, who OD'd?

• 40:43Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 40:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, it was great.

• 40:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he died very young.

• 40:46Mark Normand?

  I don't even like techno music, but-

• 40:47Speaker 02

  Avicii? Avicii.

• 40:50Mark Normand?

  Unbelievable documentary.

• 40:51Sam Morril?

  The lifespan of a DJ has to be pretty young, right? You don't meet a lot of old DJs.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  No, David Guetta won't shut the fuck up.

• 40:56Mark Normand?

  And Aoki's still kicking.

• 40:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:59Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm. I'm Tim. This is my rec. This dog, I don't even care about techno or any of this music, but man, this guy was a fascinating dude.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  He was such a nice guy, because my job used to be an interviewer. I was a music interviewer on the Billboard 100 equivalent in the UK, and he was a really sweet boy.

• 41:15Mark Normand?

  Sweet boy.

• 41:16Speaker 02

  Sweet boy.

• 41:17Mark Normand?

  Swedish, I believe.

• 41:19Sam Morril?

  How'd he die?

• 41:20Mark Normand?

  I think he did a lot of drugs, or did he kill himself?

• 41:23Speaker 02

  I think it was a, I think it was the combination of the two.

• 41:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh, so, okay. But he was, he was on the way out. Look how thin he got, and weird, and gaunt.

• 41:33Sam Morril?

  Self-inflicted injuries from a wine bottle, oh my god.

• 41:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, I think he slit the wrist or the neck. Brutal, but he was wildly depressed, and he kept putting drugs on top of it. He's like, "What am I doing? I'm rich, I'm a billionaire, I'm famous, why am I not happy?"

• 41:45Sam Morril?

  Those hours are not easy.

• 41:47Mark Normand?

  No.

• 41:48Sam Morril?

  It's a lot of normal life.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:50Mark Normand?

  Lot of molly, lot of coke, you know?

• 41:52Speaker 02

  All the orgasms.

• 41:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, a lot of ladies.

• 41:54Speaker 02

  Nightmare.

• 41:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, one is fun.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  One was fun.

• 42:00Sam Morril?

  That's the difference between men and women. We come once and we're out.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  You're out, you're done.

• 42:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:04Sam Morril?

  You get the multiples.

• 42:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Women really have it great.

• 42:08Mark Normand?

  I think you have less in general during sex, so when you'd have, so you can make it up later with multiples.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:15Mark Normand?

  Whereas we were one and done.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  And in more places.

• 42:16Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I would not be jizzing at a techno beat. I don't know what, what you could do, because I've seen mechanical bulls get women. That's a big one. Yeah, you can pull that out. That's a big, uh, trend. Because the mechanical bull guy's like, you know, he's really working those controls, and the lady's really queefing up there.

• 42:37Sam Morril?

  They get guys, too. Dallas Buyers Club?

• 42:39Mark Normand?

  No, that was the A's, I'm kidding. That's true. That's true. But yeah, riding a mechanical bull is a big, uh, and washing machine, as you said. There's a couple ways to get off for a lady. Guys, we'll fuck a couch.

• 42:52Sam Morril?

  Washing machine, yeah.

• 42:53Mark Normand?

  That's a big one.

• 42:54Sam Morril?

  Couch was big when you're young. You find angles, a pillow.

• 42:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Between the mattress, bicycle seat.

• 43:02Speaker 02

  Lovely.

• 43:03Mark Normand?

  Uh, cantaloupe.

• 43:04Sam Morril?

  Cantaloupe?

• 43:05Mark Normand?

  You never just put the cantaloupe in the microwave?

• 43:07Speaker 02

  Wait, sorry, go back to the bicycle seat.

• 43:08Mark Normand?

  You can slide, you can slit it with a knife, and then you can really get in there.

• 43:14Sam Morril?

  Never tried that one.

• 43:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, no.

• 43:17Mark Normand?

  I have a city bike account.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Are you on the bike? Are you on the bike and then you've pushed your penis down through the hole that you've made in the seat?

• 43:25Mark Normand?

  Well, you take the seat off. You're just working with the seat.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Off, and then you lie on your back. And then you sort of hump yourself with the...

• 43:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, or you can stand up and...

• 43:34Speaker 02

  Why does it have to be a bicycle seat?

• 43:36Mark Normand?

  It just works well with the seat, the fabric, or the squishiness. It's similar.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  Oh, because it's sponge.

• 43:42Mark Normand?

  It's spongy.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  It's spongy.

• 43:44Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes. This is all pre-internet. You know, we had to get creative.

• 43:48Sam Morril?

  The penis really can take a beating.

• 43:49Mark Normand?

  It really can.

• 43:50Sam Morril?

  It can take a pounding.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:51Mark Normand?

  Suckin' the badge, the badge. You pound it as well, but the dick is... I mean, we beat our meat.

• 43:56Sam Morril?

  We beat it.

• 43:57Mark Normand?

  Like, it owes you money.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, my dick is purple. Yes, exactly.

• 44:02Sam Morril?

  Beat it off.

• 44:03Mark Normand?

  I've looked, I'm 41 now, I look at my dick and it's really got some years.

• 44:07Sam Morril?

  It's a character though.

• 44:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's like a...

• 44:09Speaker 02

  So it looks like Mickey Rourke.

• 44:10Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, exactly.

• 44:12Sam Morril?

  I was gonna say Walter Matthau, maybe, but yeah.

• 44:14Mark Normand?

  Dickie Rourke.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  No, he's got a few more years before Walter Matthau.

• 44:17Mark Normand?

  Mine looks like Biden. It's like eating ice cream and falling.

• 44:21Sam Morril?

  Stripped over.

• 44:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah. But yeah, my dick is mangled. You know that old saying, you'll dick, your dick will take you to a place you wouldn't go with a gun?

• 44:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 44:30Mark Normand?

  So true.

• 44:31Speaker 02

  Is that an expression?

• 44:32Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 44:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's been going around.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Wonderful expression.

• 44:35Mark Normand?

  It's so true, you're like, you went into a lady's house and a dude showed up?

• 44:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Either way, I try to keep it out of a school, no.

• 44:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, that was, that was a story I told on your show, is the woman, the woman who showed up, or the guy who showed up.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  Well, you were shocking.

• 44:51Sam Morril?

  Well, I was getting blown. Yeah, it was, it was scary.

• 44:55Mark Normand?

  Was he trying to join in or was he trying to fight you?

• 44:58Speaker 02

  He was trying to join in, yeah.

• 44:59Sam Morril?

  Good memory.

• 45:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:00Mark Normand?

  Hey! I don't remember what I told on your show.

• 45:04Sam Morril?

  Maybe the banging the prostitute?

• 45:06Mark Normand?

  Maybe.

• 45:06Sam Morril?

  It was embarrassing sex stories, right?

• 45:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that was a, that was a, that was a win, though.

• 45:10Sam Morril?

  In the teacher, you had the teacher story?

• 45:11Mark Normand?

  I beg a teacher, that was another win.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  It was a teacher story.

• 45:16Speaker 02

  You're saying you haven't had much embarrassing sex?

• 45:18Mark Normand?

  No, no, I have.

• 45:19Sam Morril?

  No, we've had a lot. That was, that was many a true show. I mean, same here. I mean, I think I also sometimes, just as a comic, you just run out of shit to talk about. So you're like, how can I put myself in bad situations?

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Do you manifest it?

• 45:30Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  I think I'm, I think it's now happening to me. From the second I uploaded my podcast, The Wrong Turns, first episode into the world, into the system, within one minute, my life started to descend into complete abject chaos.

• 45:46Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 45:46Speaker 02

  And now I'm living like Final Destination, the disaster version. I've welcomed it in. And like, I'm now being chased by some sort of disaster demon. Like, in the exact moment, as I was uploading it into the system, I was on a podcast of a friend, a comedy podcast, and he was like, hey, can I tattoo balls deep across your throat? And I was like, that would be hilarious. And it's a temporary tattoo. So I was like, great, it'll come off easily, I imagine. Like, I'd never really used one before.

• 46:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  But my skin is drier than Gandhi's arsehole. And so, for some reason, it really took, the, the tattoo really took and then wouldn't come off. And then, to the point where I'm pouring like straight alcohol, like spirits on it, and it won't come off. And I'm documenting it on TikTok because I'm supposed to be interviewed by Martha fucking Stewart, first thing in the morning, on stage.

• 46:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  And she doesn't seem like a balls deep kind of gal.

• 46:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, I could see that.

• 46:37Sam Morril?

  I think back in the day, she was.

• 46:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:39Speaker 02

  Maybe privately, but she's still a very proper lady. And I was like, I can't fucking turn up. And the, the entire, my entire life in the past five weeks since it went out, has been nothing but health problems, disasters, travel chaos.

• 46:53Sam Morril?

  Turtle neck, going to Turtle Neck, right?

• 46:55Speaker 02

  I didn't have anything with me. I was here, I don't live in New York. I was just here, all you have is the dress that your outfit picks out. It's first thing in the morning, the, the stores were all closed.

• 47:04Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 47:04Speaker 02

  I was like, that's it. It's just me and balls deep with Martha. So I had to claw it off my neck, which then just looked like I'd been choked, which I think she found even more disrespectful.

• 47:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 47:16Speaker 02

  There you go. What an impression.

• 47:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the timing on you.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  Nightmare.

• 47:20Mark Normand?

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• 48:03Mark Normand?

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• 48:20Sam Morril?

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• 48:52Sam Morril?

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• 49:33Speaker 02

  What?

• 49:34Mark Normand?

  You know Larry David?

• 49:35Speaker 02

  I do.

• 49:36Sam Morril?

  You officiated his wedding, right?

• 49:38Speaker 02

  Is this another one of your psychic moments?

• 49:39Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  Judi Dench?

• 49:41Mark Normand?

  Well, he likes joking women. I knew that about him. But no, how the hell did you guys meet up?

• 49:46Speaker 02

  Um, me and Larry David, uh, we just became friends after a dinner. I didn't know who he was. I thought he was a Bernie Sanders impersonator because we didn't have Curb Your Enthusiasm in, like, on normal TV that I used to watch. So I'd never seen Seinfeld or...

• 50:00Mark Normand?

  What?

• 50:01Speaker 02

  Which he's not in anyway.

• 50:02Mark Normand?

  True, true. Oh, yeah, the good, so you know Ted Dance, who's buddies with Larry?

• 50:07Speaker 02

  There aren't pictures publicly of us on the internet, because I'm not gonna whore him out. Um, but yeah, so I, but I, we became friends over the years. You're a big fan of his, aren't you?

• 50:16Mark Normand?

  Huge, huge, yeah.

• 50:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, he's the best.

• 50:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's the best. And then I ended up marrying him at his wedding.

• 50:22Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  I didn't get married to him, just in case. Let's not start that rumor.

• 50:27Mark Normand?

  Was that the, uh...

• 50:28Speaker 02

  Officiated his wedding.

• 50:29Mark Normand?

  Well, I know he's divorced. Was that the lady?

• 50:31Speaker 02

  No.

• 50:31Mark Normand?

  New lady?

• 50:32Speaker 02

  New lady.

• 50:33Mark Normand?

  Got it, got it.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  Wonderful lady, Ashley. She's the best. She's so funny and smart and cool.

• 50:37Sam Morril?

  Did you know his ex-wife?

• 50:38Speaker 02

  She was a producer, no, no, and she was a producer on, like, Borat and, like, so Sacha Baron Cohen, I think, introduced them originally.

• 50:44Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  And she's just incredible.

• 50:46Sam Morril?

  How do you approach, uh, that type of environment?

• 50:50Mark Normand?

  Officiating.

• 50:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, like, how do you, how do you, how much do you try to be funny? How much do you try to be sincere?

• 50:54Speaker 02

  I took lidocaine. That's what I did, because I was like, how do you, because it has to be funny. And how do you go and do what is essentially a five-minute stand-up set in front of, you know, the funniest man in the world?

• 51:05Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 51:06Speaker 02

  And his incredibly funny friends.

• 51:07Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  But I survived it. I made it through. No one complained. No one threw anything at me.

• 51:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  So I feel like that's fine, and now I can kind of do anything.

• 51:14Sam Morril?

  Do you remember any of the lines that really hit?

• 51:15Speaker 02

  I don't remember a single fucking thing that happened. I was shitfaced and I was, um, and so nervous. I just black, I fully blackout. During my audition for The Good Place, it was a TV show that I did a few years ago.

• 51:27Mark Normand?

  I remember that.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  I have no recollection of any single moment of that audition process. Um, I just remember coming back into my body in the middle of the audition, and I'm telling us, I'm not reading the script anymore. I'm just telling them a story, um, that I don't know why I'm telling them the story.

• 51:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  And I was like, yes. And then when he used to come, he would say, "Hoorah!" And then I sort of look up at Mike Scher, who looks visibly horrified.

• 51:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 51:54Speaker 02

  And all the producers, and it's really uncomfortable, and everyone's really quiet, and so is the casting director. And then I, and no one says anything, so I just clap my hands and go, I'm like... Cool.

• 52:04Mark Normand?

  Hey, and you got the part.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  I'm gonna go. And then I left and I called my agent, just being like, I definitely, definitely didn't get. That whole day was just a complete day of disaster. I don't know. I think probably because, you know, it was just post Me Too and now there's a young actress talking about fucking in a comedy audition that has nothing to do with that. So I, and I don't know what, I have no idea. I wasn't there. I don't remember anything I said. If I, thank God I haven't got the tape, but it all, it's all on tape.

• 52:32Mark Normand?

  We gotta get these tapes. There, the sex calls.

• 52:35Sam Morril?

  The Haagen Dazs.

• 52:35Mark Normand?

  The Haagen Dazs.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  There's a lot documented of me.

• 52:38Sam Morril?

  That's your next podcast, the Jamila tapes.

• 52:40Speaker 02

  I'm amazed no one filmed me shitting in the street. That is truly like, I am God's fucking favorite.

• 52:44Mark Normand?

  I know, we got your chocolate. We should have gotten your lettuce head.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  I know. No, I can't. I can't eat lettuce anymore.

• 52:49Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 52:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, because of that.

• 52:51Sam Morril?

  You can't, that, that ruined lettuce for you?

• 52:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. Hasn't it ruined lettuce for you a little bit?

• 52:55Mark Normand?

  No, I'm gonna go salad, I'm gonna toss salad after this.

• 52:57Sam Morril?

  I want it now.

• 52:59Mark Normand?

  Salad toss.

• 53:00Sam Morril?

  We're going to chop right after this.

• 53:02Mark Normand?

  Sweet green. Get him on the horn. Oh man, that's crazy. You've lived, damn it.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  I have lived, yeah. I mean, I'm forty in a few months. Like I, this is, this is what happens.

• 53:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 53:15Speaker 02

  This is what happens. You just collect these embarrassing, this tapestry of mortifying moments and then you die.

• 53:21Sam Morril?

  Do you feel like it, you're in a relationship, right?

• 53:23Speaker 02

  I am in a relationship. Yeah, eleven years almost.

• 53:24Sam Morril?

  Do you feel like, do you feel like it's harder to welcome chaos when there's someone else to share it with?

• 53:31Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 53:32Sam Morril?

  Well, like you said, you're welcoming these kind of stories that could maybe be bad decisions. But then when you're single, I feel like it's easier. It only affects you. But when there's someone else in the picture.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  I would hope that, but I, it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of fucking difference. It's just that now I have a witness. So, you know, I can't gaslight anyone anymore because he's always fucking there. So he just watches this chaos unfold. He can't believe it.

• 53:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 54:00Speaker 02

  He can't, he can't believe it.

• 54:02Sam Morril?

  Does he welcome that type of stuff as well?

• 54:03Speaker 02

  No, not at all. He's completely dignified and nothing goes wrong for him ever. Yeah. He'll have like excruciating moments in his career because everyone else, he's a singer. He had to go. On tour with Kendrick Lamar.

• 54:14Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 54:15Speaker 02

  Like a sort of entire European arena tour.

• 54:18Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  My boyfriend is sort of more a kind of singer-songwriter-y type with a bit of electronic music. And so he'd never played arenas before, so this is a very exciting moment.

• 54:28Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  And unfortunately, the first like 20 rows are just diehard Kendrick fans.

• 54:33Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  Who don't know who he is and don't want him to be there. They just want Kendrick to be there now.

• 54:38Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 54:38Speaker 02

  And they're rabid fans.

• 54:40Sam Morril?

  Are they polite or no?

• 54:41Speaker 02

  No, they're very not polite about it. And so the, the, the light off the stage reflects only the first few rows of the audience. So he can't see all of his fans who are further back.

• 54:51Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 54:52Speaker 02

  Smiling and excited. He can just see a bunch of people going.

• 54:55Mark Normand?

  Mmm. Not like us.

• 54:58Speaker 02

  Eyes closed, arms crossed, so pissed. And then there's a song he's got called Don't Miss It that's got so many lyrics that he can never remember it. So he always has to have his phone up for the song. And he forgot to put it on airplane mode. So he just gets message after message after message after message of like, this is shit. Get off the stage, get the fuck off the stage. Where is Kendrick? Everyone's tweeting him. And he's just getting live tweets. While he's singing, just being live trolled by the audience.

• 55:21Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  And I can't believe he managed to fucking make it through the set.

• 55:24Sam Morril?

  Just fake, he fakes a smile.

• 55:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, but that's none of that is his mistake. He doesn't make mistakes. He's like a very precise man. He did like martial arts as a child.

• 55:33Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 55:33Speaker 02

  Just like a very dignified person who never falls over and never makes mistakes.

• 55:38Mark Normand?

  Well, the question is, what's harder?

• 55:39Speaker 02

  I'm bailing him out in the universe.

• 55:40Mark Normand?

  What's harder, performing or getting an orgasm or getting mean tweets?

• 55:44Speaker 02

  Mean tweets.

• 55:45Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 55:47Speaker 02

  You feel significantly worse.

• 55:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but the tweets might, won't murder you. Like you could had a heart attack, right?

• 55:51Speaker 02

  That's true, that's true.

• 55:52Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  But sadly, I'm still here to tell the tale.

• 55:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you are. That's why you're on the show. What about the Ozempic? You doing it?

• 56:00Speaker 02

  No.

• 56:01Mark Normand?

  Come on, everybody's doing it.

• 56:02Speaker 02

  Are you on Ozempic?

• 56:03Mark Normand?

  No, but I don't eat 10 boxes of chocolate and 19 Haagen-Dazs pints.

• 56:08Speaker 02

  It was one fucking time.

• 56:09Mark Normand?

  Well, come on, you can't have kicked that.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't like the Ozempic. It's made a lot of my friends less funny.

• 56:16Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 56:17Sam Morril?

  How do you think it's made them less funny?

• 56:18Speaker 02

  It's made them less funny because they've got no energy. So that's no disrespect. I think lots of people feel a huge burst of energy at first, you know, and they feel really good and high off the kind of, I don't know, the compliments.

• 56:27Sam Morril?

  Of course, they're eating less food, you think.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  I think after a while, you just develop actual malnutrition.

• 56:32Mark Normand?

  I agree.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  You can't eat very much. And then there's just, there was one of the comedians on my podcast, because he was taking it, he farted every time he laughed. And after a while, we're in a closed room, there's no windows. It was like, you have to leave.

• 56:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  Because I can't see anymore. Like, my eyes are burning.

• 56:46Mark Normand?

  Wow, yeah.

• 56:47Sam Morril?

  That's a side effect from Ozempic, is the farts?

• 56:50Speaker 02

  You lose your sense of humor and you fart a lot, yeah.

• 56:52Mark Normand?

  That's a tough one.

• 56:53Speaker 02

  No, listen, like I said, I don't mean to sound like a massive about it. I'm just saying that I've literally noticed a drop in energy of some of my favorite comedians.

• 57:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  And then that's unfortunately part of the job. So I think, aside from the fact that I don't want to inject myself with anything.

• 57:08Mark Normand?

  Same.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  Ever.

• 57:09Sam Morril?

  But if you're really fat, you probably don't have a ton of energy either, right?

• 57:11Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  Like I said, I have no idea. It depends. It's different strokes for different folks. I'm just saying that if you're not eating enough, you're definitely not gonna have enough energy. And if energy's part of your job and charisma's part of your job, then I would be too afraid to find out what would happen.

• 57:28Mark Normand?

  I get it. I get it.

• 57:29Speaker 02

  It might make me more bearable, actually, for a lot of energy coming at people, but I could stand to be taken down a peg or two, but.

• 57:35Mark Normand?

  Well, no, you would make it fatter, because, you know, you have the opposite.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:39Mark Normand?

  So you take Ozempic, you're gonna turn into Louie Anderson.

• 57:42Speaker 02

  I love it. I'd have even more energy and I'd be funnier.

• 57:44Sam Morril?

  Fat and chatty.

• 57:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, everything is the reverse for me.

• 57:47Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly.

• 57:48Speaker 02

  I've woken up during anesthetic. That was foul.

• 57:50Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 57:52Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  Foul. I was having my tits made smaller.

• 57:55Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 57:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:56Sam Morril?

  Why would you do that?

• 57:57Speaker 02

  It's a sin, isn't it?

• 57:58Mark Normand?

  What, are you crazy?

• 57:58Sam Morril?

  That's pretty, that's terrible.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  I know. It was a sin. Like, I, I, I. Dated my boyfriend and then after he got to.

• 58:05Mark Normand?

  Sorry, I'm just a little sad.

• 58:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we are.

• 58:07Speaker 02

  I know, I know.

• 58:08Sam Morril?

  Give us a second.

• 58:09Mark Normand?

  This is mine eleven. Good lord. All right, okay, let me regroup here.

• 58:15Sam Morril?

  Why are you letting the terrorists win by doing something like that? It's not good.

• 58:19Mark Normand?

  Good golly.

• 58:20Sam Morril?

  Fuck.

• 58:21Mark Normand?

  All right, Iran, think about Iran to feel better. Okay, and you're back.

• 58:27Speaker 02

  God had put my, my, just my body parts in the wrong places. He seemed to have put my tits on my ass, and my ass on my tits. Like, they were ginormous and I have no bum. And I was like, this is, this is fucked up.

• 58:42Mark Normand?

  That was very British.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  I don't have nipples on my ass.

• 58:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, thank god.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  But I, thank god, he put the nipples in the right place. But I started dating my boyfriend with ginormous boobs. And then after he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend with me, I got them reduced and it was.

• 58:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's a fucking bait and switch.

• 58:57Mark Normand?

  Entrapment.

• 58:58Sam Morril?

  You, you lied to him.

• 58:59Speaker 02

  I think it is the most intense bait and switch that anyone's ever done.

• 59:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:03Sam Morril?

  You should be a realtor, because that is.

• 59:05Speaker 02

  I know, yeah.

• 59:06Sam Morril?

  That is a bait and switch.

• 59:07Mark Normand?

  It's a two bedroom, this is a studio.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  But I was punished, I was, Jesus punished me by waking me up to see what I'd done. And it was horrifying.

• 59:16Sam Morril?

  He should have written you some mean tweets after that.

• 59:19Mark Normand?

  That's why he's a sad songwriter. He's just, oh, we had the tits, the double D's are gone.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  You know, he does write quite sad songs, so maybe that is what's going on.

• 59:27Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  He's in mourning.

• 59:29Mark Normand?

  Now, let me ask you this there, sister.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  I can't wait to find out where this is going, you're so wonderfully weird.

• 59:34Mark Normand?

  JJ, okay.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Okay, go on, segue me.

• 59:37Mark Normand?

  I think you've, you've had this crazy run of wild, wacky events, the Haagen-Dazs, the orgasming, the tits, the, the jizzing with the songs, the, you, the shitting.

• 59:49Speaker 02

  What a great trailer.

• 59:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Um, you have all these great stories, you were chunky, you weren't chunky, your tits were crazy, they're gone now, the whole thing, Larry David, keep it coming.

• 1:00:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:01Mark Normand?

  I think now, young people have a phone on them 24/7.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:00:06Mark Normand?

  They're so reserved, they're so scared of being cringe and being outed and being canceled or being whatever, and it, it takes all those crazy stories away, and now they're boring. But you, you grew up before internet, you know, we're the same age. And we could live, we could shit ourselves, we could do these crazy things. And we could tell the stories later and laugh about them. Now kids are like, I got a phone on me all the time, everybody's a Karen, everybody's ratting you out. You can't live.

• 1:00:34Sam Morril?

  Everything's on the internet. I feel bad for these kids now.

• 1:00:38Mark Normand?

  Fistfights, they go on YouTube now.

• 1:00:40Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 1:00:40Mark Normand?

  It's crazy. I got beat up, I'm so glad it wasn't recorded. I came, you know, so that would have been horrible.

• 1:00:47Sam Morril?

  Well, Mark, we have bad news. Peters, roll the footage. You did come.

• 1:00:51Mark Normand?

  I mean, I would get pantsed, you know, all kinds of shit.

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  I don't know who any of us would be. I don't know if comedians would exist necessarily had we not had at least a moment without being observed all the time.

• 1:01:03Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 1:01:03Sam Morril?

  But who doesn't have a humiliating childhood story? Everyone does, right?

• 1:01:07Speaker 02

  Everyone does, yeah, but I think it's more like the teen stories. Your shirt inside out.

• 1:01:11Mark Normand?

  No, it's actually made this way. I don't know why they did that. It's a strange choice.

• 1:01:16Speaker 02

  I don't dislike it, I was just suddenly wondering.

• 1:01:19Mark Normand?

  I think it's a little muted, that's the style. Chubby, check out Chubby, he's very good stuff.

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  Anyway, sorry, yeah, no, it is fucking weird, it is upsetting, but I think we're starting to now, there's a turn on the internet where now people want everything to be lo-fi. Like, I write on this platform called Substack.

• 1:01:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I know Substack.

• 1:01:38Speaker 02

  So Substack is an essay writing platform, and it's becoming the kind of replacement for social media, but it's long form. And they've kind of got a lot of the features, so it looks a bit like Twitter, it looks a bit like Instagram, but then also you can find these long letters. And what it feels like is that the culture of Substack is to go against social media, which is to show people the least embarrassing side of yourself. And it feels like we're all competing to be more relatable than each other.

• 1:02:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:03Speaker 02

  And more inappropriate. I write a blog called A Low Desire to Please, which is named after my dog.

• 1:02:09Mark Normand?

  I like that.

• 1:02:10Speaker 02

  Because he was sent to a training school and they wrote back saying he's very intelligent, he just has a low desire to please. And I was like, ah, that dog came out of my vagina. That's my actual child. His name is Barold, if you're looking for him. Oh, you're looking for my blog, that's very sweet.

• 1:02:25Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 1:02:27Speaker 02

  But on that blog, and on everyone's blog, it feels like the Substack thing is...

• 1:02:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, I heard about the women thing. That was, that really caught some steam.

• 1:02:36Speaker 02

  I know, but it's so serious. I don't want to talk about it today.

• 1:02:39Mark Normand?

  We don't have to talk about it.

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  No, but yeah, so the, but, but everyone's Substack blogs are, um, oh, there I am. I am a failure pervert.

• 1:02:48Speaker 02

  Which is true.

• 1:02:49Mark Normand?

  Now, can we get a photo with the old tits? Okay, sorry.

• 1:02:55Mark Normand?

  Um, just curious, but yeah, low, low, low desire to please is great.

• 1:03:01Speaker 02

  A low desire to please, but everyone's Substack is about how like you fancy your like best friend's husband. It's all the most depraved.

• 1:03:09Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 1:03:10Speaker 02

  Inappropriate shit, and so.

• 1:03:12Mark Normand?

  We're craving that.

• 1:03:12Speaker 02

  Yes, so I write.

• 1:03:14Sam Morril?

  Do you fancy your best friend's husband?

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  I don't. It's not my blog.

• 1:03:17Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  I don't, um, no, actually, I don't. I mean, none of my friends, not many of my friends have got partners. There's no one to fancy. It's the, out there roaming the independent life.

• 1:03:28Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, which has made it actually a bit weird because now everyone keeps on referring to me and my boyfriend as like their mum and dad. And it's like, well, we're the same age or younger than many of you. You can't just name us.

• 1:03:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:41Speaker 02

  Your parents just because we're together, but that's what's happening. Yeah, we're mum and dad. Yeah. We're the adults because we've been settled down for over a decade.

• 1:03:49Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:03:51Speaker 02

  But I didn't sign up for this shit.

• 1:03:52Mark Normand?

  But you're not married.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  I'm not married.

• 1:03:54Mark Normand?

  Man.

• 1:03:55Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't believe in marriage.

• 1:03:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's great.

• 1:03:58Speaker 02

  You are married.

• 1:03:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:59Speaker 02

  You have a hot wife.

• 1:04:00Mark Normand?

  I do. I'm very lucky.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  I've heard about her.

• 1:04:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:04:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:05Mark Normand?

  Could you teach her how to come? That would be very helpful. No, I'm just kidding.

• 1:04:08Speaker 02

  Apparently you haven't been able to say it now.

• 1:04:09Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:04:09Sam Morril?

  Don't get her talking to her. She's got a tit reduction.

• 1:04:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:12Mark Normand?

  That's true. She has ample bosom.

• 1:04:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:14Mark Normand?

  Quite the large pair.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  Keep her away from me. I'll vandalize her.

• 1:04:17Mark Normand?

  No, don't talk to her. Those tits are a-okay. There she is in a little weird.

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  A beauty. Well done. High five.

• 1:04:25Mark Normand?

  Hey, thank you. Thank you. Lucky guy. All right, we don't have to go through the whole scrapbook.

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  Oh, let's zoom in on her boobs.

• 1:04:32Mark Normand?

  I'm sure they're out. I can show you on my phone. I have them somewhere. But yeah, she's fun and, and, uh, uh, well endowed. So, lucky guy.

• 1:04:41Speaker 02

  That's so exciting.

• 1:04:41Mark Normand?

  Very exciting.

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, I'm not a marriage or children person. Have you got children?

• 1:04:46Mark Normand?

  One baby.

• 1:04:47Speaker 02

  How's that going?

• 1:04:48Mark Normand?

  Five months. It was hard at first and now it's great. You gotta get through that hump of like, uh, the crying, not getting through the night, the feeding, the diapers. Now he's cute and he laughs and he's fun. He's telling him to hile.

• 1:05:00Sam Morril?

  What is your objection to marriage?

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  I just can't be arsed. I think, and listen, I'm proven wrong already by the man sitting next to me, but I think you tempt the universe when you get married. When you make a statement to everyone, like, "We're gonna love each other forever. We're gonna be together forever." I think.

• 1:05:19Sam Morril?

  Hopefully this is what you said at Larry's wedding.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  I think the universe is going like.

• 1:05:23Mark Normand?

  Good vows.

• 1:05:23Sam Morril?

  What a fucking idiot these two are.

• 1:05:25Speaker 02

  He's an older gentleman, you know what I mean?

• 1:05:27Mark Normand?

  And it's the second one.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it's, it's, but it's that, it's that moment where you're like, I feel as though the universe is going, "Oh yeah?

• 1:05:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I can see that.

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  Let me send you your favorite ex that got away.

• 1:05:38Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 1:05:38Speaker 02

  Let me send you someone really hot and unexpected at work who does get your jokes.

• 1:05:43Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 1:05:44Speaker 02

  And who is that specific breed of manic pixie dream fuck that you've been waiting for your whole life. And so I think it peppers temptation around you. And so James and I have become kind of superstitious about it because every single one of our friends who's gotten married.

• 1:05:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58Speaker 02

  Like, not that long after the marriage, is suddenly being tempted in ways that they've gone through years of drought. And no one interesting coming along. And then once they get married, all of a sudden, it's just fucking fantasy city.

• 1:06:10Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  And so I, I just like, we've watched it happen so many times that we're like, I think we just need to keep a low profile. Just keep our love a secret from the universe, you know?

• 1:06:21Sam Morril?

  That makes sense. I kind of get that.

• 1:06:23Speaker 02

  And let's not go and announce anything to anyone. Let's just shut the fuck up.

• 1:06:26Sam Morril?

  Well, it's always the couples that are always like posting pictures together, like, we're so happy.

• 1:06:30Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:31Sam Morril?

  It's not just marriage. It's like the people.

• 1:06:33Speaker 02

  Suicide, homicide.

• 1:06:34Sam Morril?

  Oh my god. They're fucking, yeah, pushing her off a cliff somewhere on a hike. And you're just like, a week ago, you know?

• 1:06:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's like the guy goes, "I love pussy." And you're like, "Huh. Do you love pussy? No one talks like that who loves pussy." But yeah, they're, they're overcompensating because those couples that show the photos of them on the waterfall.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  No, we're quite private.

• 1:06:54Mark Normand?

  Good.

• 1:06:55Speaker 02

  Very occasionally we'll post a picture of each other, but generally, generally we keep it.

• 1:06:59Sam Morril?

  I think that's the way to do it. I've also been in those relationships where, with one girl, I, she, we would be bad and she would like get mad I wasn't public enough. And then I end up doing it, but like, I'm posting us, but now we're in a bad place. So I'm probably being like, we're great, but I'm like, we're not fucking great.

• 1:07:14Mark Normand?

  No, it's a nightmare.

• 1:07:16Sam Morril?

  So it's like, it kind of feeds itself. And I, I was aware, I was like, I know this is gonna end soon.

• 1:07:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:22Sam Morril?

  So I'm feeling like I'm just an idiot for doing this.

• 1:07:24Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:07:25Sam Morril?

  But then, you know.

• 1:07:26Mark Normand?

  Then you look stupid later, because your friend's like, oh, two days ago, you guys were in a hot air balloon.

• 1:07:31Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:07:32Speaker 02

  Also, it's just, it's a bit smug, isn't it?

• 1:07:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, a little bit.

• 1:07:35Speaker 02

  It's a little bit smug. Like, I think a little bit of it is fine.

• 1:07:37Sam Morril?

  For some women, that type of stuff is important.

• 1:07:39Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:07:40Sam Morril?

  You know, not all, obviously, but I've been in relationships where-

• 1:07:42Speaker 02

  But that's, that's more of a pissing in a circle around you thing, isn't it?

• 1:07:45Sam Morril?

  Is that like a British thing?

• 1:07:46Mark Normand?

  Is that an R. Kelly lyric?

• 1:07:48Speaker 02

  It's like a marking your territory, right?

• 1:07:51Sam Morril?

  Right, gotcha.

• 1:07:52Speaker 02

  I always presumed the reason that people want someone else to post them is to make sure that other people know that that person's taken.

• 1:07:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, I didn't think about that. That makes sense.

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  So that's what I always thought that was about. I could be wrong. Maybe they just want to celebrate the love, and I don't want to be uncharitable to anyone.

• 1:08:05Sam Morril?

  Either way, either way, it reeks of insecurity.

• 1:08:07Speaker 02

  It feels a bit like marking your territory.

• 1:08:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:09Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean? I don't feel like we need anyone to know.

• 1:08:13Mark Normand?

  But why, I feel like you're an outlier. Why, why does so many women push the marriage thing? Because I think it's, I mean, generally speaking, women are the ones going, come on, when are you gonna propose? Where's the ring? Let's go. Clock's ticking.

• 1:08:24Speaker 02

  I think that's maybe, I can't, I can't relate, but I can say that it would make sense that if someone feels like, oh, I want to know that you're taking this seriously, because women invest so much of themselves into relationships.

• 1:08:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  So much, and so much thought, so much planning, so much mental load. They're like, just, you know, just fucking, they create your whole lives. Like, men, as they get older, start to sort of atrophy, right? They start to let their friendships go, fall apart.

• 1:08:47Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  They don't pursue their dreams as much.

• 1:08:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:50Speaker 02

  And so they start to think, oh, I don't need to keep in touch with my friends from when I was younger. I'll just become friends with whoever is the husband of one of my wife's friends, right? That is a pattern that happens.

• 1:08:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  To male loneliness as they get older.

• 1:09:01Mark Normand?

  I know, I know.

• 1:09:02Speaker 02

  You have to fight it, though, and it's mostly, like, European men don't let that happen. They're still going on, like, men's, like, boys trips and doing other things.

• 1:09:08Mark Normand?

  Great.

• 1:09:08Speaker 02

  But American men and British men in particular, they don't like to look each other in the eye. They like to sit side by side, not looking at one another.

• 1:09:14Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:09:14Sam Morril?

  We're both looking at you.

• 1:09:15Speaker 02

  Obviously, you don't have that problem.

• 1:09:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:16Speaker 02

  Um, and I, uh, and, and they, they let their friends-

• 1:09:22Speaker 02

  relationships fall apart. And so I think women are doing so much of the organizing, everything like just keeping their lives fun and interesting, hopefully, you know. And so I think they just want to make sure that their investment is sound.

• 1:09:33Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  Maybe less likely to leave you. Obviously, the statistics show that that doesn't protect you fuck all, but.

• 1:09:39Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:09:39Speaker 02

  I think it's that feeling of like, are you taking this seriously? Because I'm taking this so seriously.

• 1:09:43Mark Normand?

  Okay, that helps.

• 1:09:44Speaker 02

  But I'm not a romantic person. I don't think I bring any more to the relationship than my boyfriend does. So I feel as though.

• 1:09:50Mark Normand?

  This is ideal.

• 1:09:50Speaker 02

  We don't need to lock anything down.

• 1:09:52Sam Morril?

  Why do you think women crave that type of romance? Do you think that's like a movie thing? Do you think that's like a Hallmark thing? I mean.

• 1:09:57Speaker 02

  I don't know. I've always wondered about it. And I don't think it's just women, because I know a lot of men are also incredibly romantic, like straight men.

• 1:10:03Sam Morril?

  But do you think they're doing it for the woman? Or do you think they're in their heart?

• 1:10:05Speaker 02

  I have no idea. But how can we ever know? Because we're so soaked in this culture.

• 1:10:09Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:10:10Speaker 02

  How can we ever know what we think? Like, so many of us were fucking like the movies when we were younger, like acting out sex based on what we've seen.

• 1:10:17Sam Morril?

  So I was only fucking grandmas.

• 1:10:20Mark Normand?

  The gills.

• 1:10:21Speaker 02

  Judi Dench.

• 1:10:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, damn.

• 1:10:23Speaker 02

  So it, so I don't know if, I don't know if romance really exists. I can't tell because I don't feel it.

• 1:10:30Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  I've never understood romance. Like, I don't, I've never understood kissing by a sunset or nothing upsets me more than like a candlelit dinner, anything that feels forced. Like now we're supposed to like Valentine's Day is just like fucking.

• 1:10:44Sam Morril?

  Any, any holiday with, with grand expectations.

• 1:10:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:48Sam Morril?

  You were just fucking people over.

• 1:10:49Speaker 02

  A hundred percent.

• 1:10:50Sam Morril?

  So when New Year's Eve sucks, always.

• 1:10:52Mark Normand?

  Always.

• 1:10:52Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:10:53Sam Morril?

  Unless you just are like, we're doing nothing. We're, we're staying and watching a movie. That, to me, that's like a great New Year's Eve.

• 1:10:58Speaker 02

  It's also why wearing lingerie has to be a surprise.

• 1:11:00Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:11:01Speaker 02

  Let someone know at the beginning of the night, like, look at what you're gonna get later, because they get stressed.

• 1:11:06Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:11:06Speaker 02

  Men get stressed, right?

• 1:11:07Mark Normand?

  Now you gotta build it up. Oh, I love it.

• 1:11:09Speaker 02

  I'm gonna have to give them, she probably spent like four hundred dollars on that. I'm gonna have to give her a four hundred dollar fuck, you know, like, we've really gotta make this amazing.

• 1:11:16Mark Normand?

  Who's this for? Me or you? I gotta, I gotta pretend I'm blown away by this?

• 1:11:19Speaker 02

  It has to be a surprise, a very last minute surprise, because people psych each other, psych themselves up.

• 1:11:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, here.

• 1:11:25Speaker 02

  Or psych themselves out.

• 1:11:26Mark Normand?

  Out.

• 1:11:27Speaker 02

  Where do they psych themselves?

• 1:11:28Mark Normand?

  Out.

• 1:11:29Speaker 02

  In the bum.

• 1:11:30Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:11:30Speaker 02

  Sure, no, fine. So, yeah, so it's, so it's weird, uh, but I, I, I don't know where romance comes from. I can't imagine it's, I can't believe it's real. I can't, like, these poems, these fucking songs, and these books have manipulated us.

• 1:11:45Mark Normand?

  I'm pretty romantic, so I'm, I'm different. We're yin and yang on this.

• 1:11:48Speaker 02

  What's your, uh, what's your romantic vibe?

• 1:11:50Mark Normand?

  I like to set up stuff and surprise and, uh...

• 1:11:53Sam Morril?

  But that's thoughtful. I, I think she's talking about a different thing. I think you're being thoughtful. There's a difference, like...

• 1:11:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:58Sam Morril?

  Between, like, having to sweep someone off their feet and, you know, like, planning a dinner, like, that's just a thing that's nice to do, I think.

• 1:12:05Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:12:05Speaker 02

  I like to plan stuff for my friends as well. I like planning stuff. But wrote that very kind of sentimental, like, we went, my boyfriend and I went to this, like, fancy hotel, and they'd organized this, like, romantic beach dinner for us. And there were sort of tea lights all around and music playing, and it just, like, felt so oppressively seductive that both of us were so, I was dry as a fucking desert. He, you know?

• 1:12:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, no, I get it.

• 1:12:32Speaker 02

  He was not, we were just, we didn't feel anything, because we felt like we were just, our heads were being forced

• 1:12:36Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:12:37Speaker 02

  towards each other. So I think I, I don't, I don't really get it, but...

• 1:12:40Mark Normand?

  I'm with you.

• 1:12:41Speaker 02

  Either way, I just, I, I don't know where all this stuff comes from.

• 1:12:43Mark Normand?

  Well, I think inside jokes can be romance, like, the, the romance is, uh, we, we make it like a heart-shaped tub and rose petals and candles and, uh...

• 1:12:51Sam Morril?

  Thought, but you, I think you're thinking thoughtful, because I'm the same way, like, like, I would, we'd have an inside joke, maybe I'd get something made to, like, signify the inside joke, but like, this kind of, she's, I think, talking about this, like, forced hallmark type of romance.

• 1:13:02Speaker 02

  I once did a forced romance thing.

• 1:13:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:04Speaker 02

  I used to, um, I had like a sort of almost bit that I did with multiple different lovers, which makes me a, like, a serial killer or something. I didn't murder them.

• 1:13:13Sam Morril?

  Or just uncreative. It might not...

• 1:13:15Speaker 02

  Uncreative, a piece of shit, basically. I am like, I've learned I am a piece of shit over the years, but he, uh, yeah, I would tell them to meet me at 7 a.m. Right, on a Tuesday, and I'd give them a long laundry laundry list, sorry. And I'd give them a long grocery list of things they had to buy for the seven AM date. Yeesh. And this is always when they don't know me very well. It's a lot of work. And so it would be like hiking socks, but not the boots, a suit, bring your passport, twelve toilet rolls, a Brillo pad, which is what you use to scrub the grease off the thing. Yeah. Um, and tartan paint, which is an IQ test, because if you can't tell that tartan paint doesn't exist, you shouldn't turn up on the. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, tartan is like the Scottish pattern, like checks.

• 1:14:00Speaker 02

  Ah. That we call it tartan. It's like a plaid paint. Like plaid, yeah. Got it, got it. Scottish, like red plaid. So if you're looking for plaid paint, then you're a fucking moron and don't come to my house. I like it. And so I was like, you can only show up with the eggs and the hiking socks and the Brillo pad if, you know, at seven AM. I'd be out all day, like, where's this fucking paint? God damn it. And so, um, they would, they would meet me in their normal clothes with a suit and the bag and the passport and everything. And I would blindfold them and take them, take them to, uh, King's Cross Station, which, from which there is a direct train to Paris. Uh, this is from London to Paris. They wouldn't know where we were going. How many dates in, how many dates in are we talking? Truly like three. That's insane. It's insane. I would never agree to this.

• 1:14:42Speaker 02

  I'm a crazy person, but I had ginormous breasts, so you can get away with anything when you have ginormous breasts. You can ask someone to meet you at, like, fucking five AM and someone will turn up when you, when you're like an H cup, yeah. Now you can't do this. Well, so I'm settled down now. Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, so I would blindfold them till we get to the station, take off the blindfold, throw away all the stuff they went out to buy, apart from the passport and the suit. I would then hand them a ticket to Disneyland Paris and we would get on the train together. And we would, when we got there, we would put our suit and my, like, gown or whatever in a locker at the station, at the Gardiner. And then we would go and have an amazing day at Disneyland and then we would run back to the station at like four PM,

• 1:15:23Speaker 02

  get changed into our amazing clothes and then like a movie, run across Paris and eat in the restaurant of the Eiffel Tower. Woo. And obviously they would then fall madly in love with me and I, I'm only doing this mo- mostly because it's not really there and I'm trying to create it. Oh. And too young to realise that this is an elaborate way to find out you're not. Probably supposed to be with someone.

• 1:15:46Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:15:47Speaker 02

  If you need to do all this and create all these theatrics.

• 1:15:50Sam Morril?

  It's insane, but the one thing I respect about this is you were, you were doing something crazy for the story. That is the one part of this I, I like.

• 1:15:56Speaker 02

  And it wasn't even for my story, it was for them to have the story of like, oh, a girl really liked me and then did all of this. And then I became older and learned that I think sometimes makes it look like the girl likes you a bit too much.

• 1:16:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah.

• 1:16:08Speaker 02

  But again, I had those ginormous arse tits, you know, so I, I was able to carry it off.

• 1:16:13Mark Normand?

  I'm just impressed you bought the tickets.

• 1:16:15Speaker 02

  I know, it was so fucking expensive.

• 1:16:16Mark Normand?

  That's a lot of money, plus the restaurant.

• 1:16:18Speaker 02

  Disneyland, Paris, the restaurant, I paid for everything.

• 1:16:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:22Speaker 02

  And then that was it. And then they'd be in love and then I'd be like, fuck.

• 1:16:27Sam Morril?

  And then you didn't even realize you didn't even like him that much.

• 1:16:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:29Mark Normand?

  Again, the opposite.

• 1:16:29Speaker 02

  But I didn't know, I was trying to create, I was trying to create fictitious romance. And then after that, I was like, I don't really get this shit. I'm not gonna do it anymore. And so now I'm just me, and if you love me, then you love me, but that's it. That's all you're getting. I can't do any, I don't wanna do anything unsustainable, cause that shit always comes undone inevitably.

• 1:16:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:48Speaker 02

  So you've just gotta be who you are and then just try to become less of a cunt.

• 1:16:51Sam Morril?

  Did anyone ever confront you, like, have you done this with other dudes?

• 1:16:55Speaker 02

  No, no, they learned on my podcast, um, that I did publicly, my last podcast that you were on.

• 1:17:00Sam Morril?

  They must have felt so special until they heard that.

• 1:17:02Speaker 02

  I think they would have felt quite small after that, and I'm sorry for saying it again here on an even bigger podcast now.

• 1:17:07Mark Normand?

  When you walk in and Pluto's like, hey, Jamil, good to see you. Who's this, a new guy?

• 1:17:11Speaker 02

  It just made them so happy, so I just wanted to do it again, but, um.

• 1:17:14Sam Morril?

  See, you meant well. I mean, I remember an ex got furious at me once, cause I got her a dumb, like a gag gift, basically a, uh, like a mug with her making a really weird face on it, a picture.

• 1:17:24Speaker 02

  That's great.

• 1:17:24Sam Morril?

  And she found out I had done a similar thing to another ex. And she was like, how could you? I'm like, well, I'm not fucking, I didn't mean to be cruel. I'm just not creative with gifts.

• 1:17:32Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:17:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, plus I'm so like that. If it works once, I'm doing it again.

• 1:17:36Sam Morril?

  Same. It's like a bit. I'm like, I'm doing the bit. I did this in a special? I'll do it on late night.

• 1:17:40Mark Normand?

  It kills.

• 1:17:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. Repetition is like a massive part of your art form.

• 1:17:44Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:17:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:45Mark Normand?

  Exactly. Plus, uh, that's a lady thing.

• 1:17:48Sam Morril?

  She was so mad at me, it like basically.

• 1:17:50Speaker 02

  But would you have been mad if you'd got a really thoughtful gift?

• 1:17:52Mark Normand?

  That's a good question.

• 1:17:53Sam Morril?

  Maybe, I maybe, I don't.

• 1:17:54Speaker 02

  She done it with an ex.

• 1:17:55Sam Morril?

  I don't know, she never got me anything that thoughtful, so I don't know.

• 1:17:58Speaker 02

  My boyfriend and I gave each other gifts only the first ever Christmas and then never did it again after that, where I, we both panicked and realised, oh shit, we haven't got each other anything. And so I went into his kitchen and I drew him a portrait of himself, because that was the only thing I knew how to do was draw.

• 1:18:15Sam Morril?

  Can you draw well?

• 1:18:16Speaker 02

  I can, I can draw quite well.

• 1:18:17Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:18:18Speaker 02

  I'm not, you know, fucking Leonardo DiCaprio, uh, DaVinci, um, but I, um, but I, I went and drew him a, I drew him a decent picture.

• 1:18:29Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:18:30Speaker 02

  I'll see if I can find a picture of it and I'll send it to you and you can be the judge.

• 1:18:33Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:18:33Speaker 02

  But I drew him a decent portrait.

• 1:18:35Mark Normand?

  It's the old tits?

• 1:18:36Speaker 02

  He panicked and, uh, he panicked and was like, oh, I also got you something, but it's gonna be here tomorrow, which is a song he was going to play for me.

• 1:18:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:18:47Speaker 02

  So he went upstairs, learned one of my favourite songs, recorded it and it was so beautiful.

• 1:18:52Mark Normand?

  Wet ass pussy.

• 1:18:53Speaker 02

  And it was so beautiful, yes, it was that song, um, my boyfriend is Cardi B.

• 1:18:57Sam Morril?

  Amish paradise, my weird L?

• 1:18:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:00Speaker 02

  Um, and then he, uh, he realised how beautiful it was and then released it to the whole wide world.

• 1:19:06Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 1:19:06Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:19:07Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  Fucking no.

• 1:19:09Mark Normand?

  But it's a hit.

• 1:19:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:10Mark Normand?

  But inspired by you?

• 1:19:11Speaker 02

  It would, no, he didn't write it for me. It was, he covered one of my already favourite songs by Don McLean. And now everyone has it and I was like, cheapened it a little bit.

• 1:19:21Mark Normand?

  I get it.

• 1:19:21Speaker 02

  Obviously I wasn't actually mad because I'm not a psycho, but it did dilute the value of the moment.

• 1:19:26Mark Normand?

  American Pie?

• 1:19:28Speaker 02

  Vincent.

• 1:19:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, Vincent.

• 1:19:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I like a suicide song.

• 1:19:31Mark Normand?

  Ah, okay.

• 1:19:33Speaker 02

  I'm partial to, I find it more romantic.

• 1:19:34Sam Morril?

  So you were, you were, how did he tell you that he was releasing it to everybody?

• 1:19:38Speaker 02

  He, he didn't.

• 1:19:39Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:19:40Speaker 02

  I just, I saw it on Spotify.

• 1:19:43Sam Morril?

  You were just in like a Starbucks, you're like, wait a second? That was supposed to be for me.

• 1:19:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think someone texted me about it, because I never know what he's up to, like, we just don't keep track of each other that much, like, because we live together, so it's just like, well, I don't know what he's up to, he doesn't know what I'm up to.

• 1:19:56Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:19:57Sam Morril?

  It's so unrelatable because no woman would ever be like, write a joke for me.

• 1:20:00Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:20:01Sam Morril?

  And then you did, I'm like, yeah, well, it works, it's funny.

• 1:20:03Mark Normand?

  It's about a mug.

• 1:20:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:04Mark Normand?

  With your face on it.

• 1:20:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:06Mark Normand?

  Damn, well, at least it was a hit, then you get more money.

• 1:20:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, they do. Yeah. We keep that shit separate.

• 1:20:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, damn.

• 1:20:14Sam Morril?

  Oh, you don't live together either?

• 1:20:15Speaker 02

  No, we live together, but we just keep our money separate.

• 1:20:17Mark Normand?

  This is unbelievable.

• 1:20:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:20Mark Normand?

  You gotta, you gotta do like a TED Talk to other women.

• 1:20:22Speaker 02

  It's clean. It's clean in that way.

• 1:20:24Mark Normand?

  It's clean? I agree.

• 1:20:25Speaker 02

  Like, it just feels like, it's, it's that thing that Goldie Hawn said, right? About being married to, not being, about not being married to Kurt Russell. She was like, I like the fact that every day I walk outside my house and I could just go wherever I want. I'm not married. I could do whatever I want. And I could go home with this guy or that guy, but I choose to be with him every day. I choose to go home to him out of no position of inconvenience.

• 1:20:49Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:20:50Speaker 02

  And that's how my boyfriend and I feel about each other, where we're just like, I could go anywhere I like. I've got my money sorted. I don't have to, there's no mess. There's no overlapping mess apart from our dogs who we would fight to the death over.

• 1:21:00Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:21:01Speaker 02

  But other than that, I choose to go home and that feels good for me.

• 1:21:07Mark Normand?

  That's the ultimate romance, if you ask me. There's no contract, there's no signing.

• 1:21:11Speaker 02

  There's no motivation, other than...

• 1:21:14Mark Normand?

  Here, here.

• 1:21:15Speaker 02

  Amen.

• 1:21:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:17Mark Normand?

  And a women. Yeah, I'm, I'm, this is big. I think we gotta, more people need to adopt this. We're just so stuck in this antiquated fairy tale bullshit.

• 1:21:26Speaker 02

  Well, it's because of the taxes. They've sweetened the pot, haven't they?

• 1:21:30Sam Morril?

  And also because to have your own, some of those people have their own spaces. That's incredibly expensive, too.

• 1:21:34Mark Normand?

  Right, right. Damn.

• 1:21:36Sam Morril?

  It's not gonna catch on.

• 1:21:38Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 1:21:38Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:21:39Sam Morril?

  Oh, I mean, because some of these people you were talking about, so do they, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell do not live together?

• 1:21:44Speaker 02

  They do live together.

• 1:21:44Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:21:45Speaker 02

  But she's still saying, though, that she's like, yeah, but they own, they own the house half and half. It's like they can just split that in two or buy each other out. Like, they're just, they're just, they, they don't get married. And I think I found that really inspiring. I was like, they are the happiest couple I've ever seen.

• 1:21:59Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 1:22:00Speaker 02

  They're the most in love couple. So I was like, shit, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do what the happy people do.

• 1:22:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:06Speaker 02

  And they seem to just have minimal constraints that say, you have to love me.

• 1:22:11Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 1:22:12Speaker 02

  Because I think that's my idea of hell, is this feeling like you have to.

• 1:22:14Sam Morril?

  Does it complicate anything? Like, is there like, anything like, if one of you were in the hospital, it would be more difficult to?

• 1:22:18Speaker 02

  That's the only reason we would ever do it. So I think we'd do one of those. Those like one hour marriages if someone one of us ended up in an accident, we get married in the ambulance. But that's the only thing. But also, who's fucking checking? I'd just say it's my husband.

• 1:22:30Sam Morril?

  If you get your breasts big again and he wants to visit you in the hospital.

• 1:22:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I know. I think this is big. This is a real movement.

• 1:22:37Speaker 02

  I love the way that all men react when I say I had a breast reduction. It's honestly like, it's a universal shockwave that goes out across.

• 1:22:45Sam Morril?

  I almost left. I almost walked out.

• 1:22:47Mark Normand?

  We should have a moment of silence.

• 1:22:48Speaker 02

  You almost threw your drink in my face. Kicked me in the cunt.

• 1:22:51Sam Morril?

  It has been the last forty five minutes of the pod.

• 1:22:54Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:22:56Sam Morril?

  We really, we really zoned in on that.

• 1:22:57Speaker 02

  I really lost the room. It was crazy that we were all getting on so well and then.

• 1:23:01Mark Normand?

  I know, I know. Now we don't respect you.

• 1:23:02Speaker 02

  You haven't actually looked at me since.

• 1:23:04Mark Normand?

  Who are you? I can't even hear you. No. But Goldie Hawn got implants.

• 1:23:09Speaker 02

  There we go. Balanced out the universe.

• 1:23:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah. So you, yours went away and she took them.

• 1:23:12Speaker 02

  She actually, yeah, I gave her my breasts.

• 1:23:15Mark Normand?

  They're weirdly brown. They're darker.

• 1:23:16Speaker 02

  Got these Indian tits. It's crazy.

• 1:23:21Mark Normand?

  Indian tits. And Pakistani. One Pakistani, one Indian. Either way, they both smell horrible.

• 1:23:29Speaker 02

  They both don't get along. Yeah.

• 1:23:32Mark Normand?

  All right. Well, hey, Jamila, check out Wrong Turns, the new podcast.

• 1:23:36Sam Morril?

  Wrong Turns with Jamila Jamil.

• 1:23:37Sam Morril?

  And I definitely don't hate you.

• 1:23:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry. Sorry. That's the old one.

• 1:23:41Speaker 02

  No, the other one was Bad Dates.

• 1:23:42Mark Normand?

  Bad Dates. Sorry, sorry.

• 1:23:44Speaker 02

  No, the old one. So this one's just called Wrong Turns with Jamila Jamil. I should have written that on the actual thing.

• 1:23:48Mark Normand?

  No, no, no. I had it right in front of me.

• 1:23:49Speaker 02

  That was the all I could master. Mine's smaller than yours.

• 1:23:53Mark Normand?

  I usually fart, but I had nothing today. Sorry.

• 1:23:56Sam Morril?

  I'll be at the Wilburn, Boston, August seventh, Irvine, California, the Improv, the twenty second to twenty fourth. Then we have Oklahoma City, then we have the Venetian in Vegas, Rochester, New York, I'm doing a little club up there. The Chicago Theater in Chicago, one of my favorites, Winnipeg, just added a whole Euro tour. So Berlin, Italy, um, fuck, England. Manche- London, Manchester, Dublin, uh.

• 1:24:21Sam Morril?

  Paris, Amsterdam, fucking, all, maybe, I think Barcelona and Lisbon as well. I know, this is gonna be exhausting. Uh, Salt Lake City, Reno, Nevada, new casino there, and Carnegie Hall, December 4th, New York City. Punchup.live slash Sam Morril, then, then check up Punchup.live slash Mark Norman, Mark, where you gonna be?

• 1:24:43Mark Normand?

  I'm going to Australia, New Zealand, uh, doing the whole, we're adding shows in Sydney, and Melbourne, and Adelaide, so come on out in Perth. Then I'm back in, uh, Long Island, and Calgary, and Las Vegas, Dallas, I'm all over the place. Akron, that'll be, uh, that'll be humbling, and Dayton, Halifax, never been to Halifax, very exciting. Hattiesburg, San Jose, and Alabama, and then we're off to Helsinki, and Stockholm, and Oslo, and Greece, and we're doing the whole-

• 1:25:11Sam Morril?

  We might, dude, we might overlap in Europe, that could be, that could be epic.

• 1:25:14Mark Normand?

  Fun, yeah, let's, let's get drunk in Europe and get free healthcare and all that stuff.

• 1:25:19Speaker 02

  I'll take you out.

• 1:25:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:21Speaker 02

  I'll take you both to Disneyland, and then I'll take you to dinner.

• 1:25:24Sam Morril?

  I'm like, dude, I'm putting on a suit?

• 1:25:26Speaker 02

  Imagine if I double date you both, together.

• 1:25:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, I'm in.

• 1:25:28Sam Morril?

  We both feel so special.

• 1:25:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, then we fuck, uh, let's do it. All right, San Diego, you know, you, you name it, DC, Boulder, Colorado, check out Wrong Turns, get some Bodega Cat.

• 1:25:40Sam Morril?

  Bodega Cat Whiskey, uh, DM our guy Matt, at Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram, and he'll, he'll get you the whiskey in the bar, or the liquor store, so please talk to him.

• 1:25:51Speaker 02

  That's so nice of him.

• 1:25:52Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:25:53Sam Morril?

  It's great.

• 1:25:53Mark Normand?

  See us on the road, check out her husband's, uh, song about you.

• 1:25:56Speaker 02

  My boyfriend.

• 1:25:57Mark Normand?

  Boyfriend, sorry.

• 1:25:58Speaker 02

  The whole fucking point, we've been talking about it for 20 minutes.

• 1:26:01Mark Normand?

  You're right, my bad, boyfriend, she doesn't believe in marriage unless it's to Larry David. Thank you.

• 1:26:07Sam Morril?

  Thank you.

• 1:26:07Mark Normand?

  Appreciate it, praise Allah, queef it up, I'm gay comedy.

• 1:26:11Sam Morril?

  Comedy.

• 1:26:13Speaker 03

  For my next offender, a bitter Piva wreck, you know the fear too's close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope, and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her, and I get down in the same way. We might be true.

• 1:26:57Speaker 04

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.