235: You Know Better, So Why Do You Keep Doing It?

Why do you keep repeating the same relationship patterns even when you know better? In this episode, Sabrina explains why knowing your patterns isn’t the same as breaking them, and gives you a practical plan for changing them. She covers how to catch yourself falling into old habits while it’s happening, how to calm your nervous system with “sensation without explanation” and the 90-second emotion rule, and how to stop self-abandoning in relationships that keep ending at the same point. She also answers listener questions on anxious attachment, dating avoidant partners, setting boundaries you actually keep, and how to believe that healthy, secure love really exists. Plus, Sabrina explains how dopamine loops from social media and dating apps keep you stuck, how to cut back on screen time a little at a time without burning out, and why healthy love is less complicated than you think. She also shares her “rename the contact” tool to help you stop texting the people who keep pulling you back. If you’re ready to break toxic patterns, heal your attachment style, and build relationships that last, this one’s for you. Order Sabrina's book,⁠⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Send your questions to [email protected] Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠⁠Product of the week! https://goopkitchen.com Use code SABRINA20 for 20% off! Get Ad free ⁠⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠⁠ Support the show by supporting our sponsors: Machine Washable Rugs, Made Better. For a limited time only, our listeners get 10% off + free shipping at tumbleliving.com/SABRINA #Tumble #ad Chapters: 00:00 Why Patterns Are So Hard to Break 03:17 How to Sit With Uncomfortable Emotions 07:21 Do Good Partners Actually Exist? 11:03 Healthy Love Starts With You 14:23 You Don’t Need to Change to Be Loved 18:24 How to Stop Self Abandoning 22:19 Should You Take a Social Media Break? 26:23 How to Stop Reaching for Your Phone 30:16 The Stages of Breaking Patterns 34:25 Rename the Contact Tool to Move On Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Welcome to the 50th Hunger Games.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  Witness the beginning of the revolution.

• 0:04Speaker 02

  Hey Mitch, you've been trying to take down these games from Star.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Filmed for IMAX.

• 0:08Speaker 02

  Make them remember you.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping, November 20th, rated PG-13.

• 0:16Speaker 03

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• 0:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Why are patterns so hard to break? Why does it feel like we just keep repeating the same thing over and over and over again, even when it's not necessarily serving us, even when we know better? And I wish that intellectualizing was all we needed. If we just thought different things and, oh my God, that would be it, our life would be different. But implementation and integration is very different than intellectualizing. And today, that's what we're going to talk about, is how do you actually break these patterns that are no longer serving you? What is the protocol? What do you actually do? And we're going to do this together, my babes. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, my babes. Before we jump in, don't forget to rate and review the show, leave a five-star rating

• 1:29Sabrina Zohar?

  if you think it's worth it, subscribe so you never miss an episode, because babies, we've only just begun. And I get to share some pretty major news that we found out yesterday. By the time you guys see this, you probably already know, but we made the New York Times Best Seller list for my new book, Why Am I Like This? Which is huge on breaking your patterns and getting the life you want. So don't forget to get that worldwide, anywhere books are sold. I'm so grateful, you guys. It doesn't feel real. And this is part of like, the next episode, which we're going to be doing is betting on yourself and believing in yourself and not giving up. And again, it's not just dating. We got to expand, we got to keep growing, and we're going to talk about other things. I'm so excited to have you here, babes. Thank you for being here. Okay, let's get into some questions, shall we?

• 2:12Sabrina Zohar?

  What are some ways to help recognize when you're falling back into habits and patterns while it's happening, rather than after the fact when you reflect back? This is one of those questions that it's like saying, how do I stop eating like shit when after I feel like garbage when I just ate McDonald's? And it's like, no one's going to stop you from doing this. Nobody is going to be there with you. No one is going to be holding your hand throughout this whole process. Like, that's where self-awareness, emotional maturity, and the desire to actually change come in. Though, what I want you to start to notice is the story and the narrative and the body sensations that start to happen. I had Dr. Russ here, and he was with us for a few days. And there was a point when he was helping coach me that like, I wanted to punch him. I did, I was getting so frustrated, because I, I think I consciously knew I was back

• 2:56Sabrina Zohar?

  in my patterns, but I didn't know what to do. And I'll be fully transparent, the antidote to that, like the kryptonite, though, what do you actually need to do, is a lot less over the top than you might think. And what that really looked like was me having to look and say, this is a story I'm creating, right? Like, what are the actual facts for all of this? Nothing. Then I had to start to look and say, where do I feel these sensations? Like, it felt so overwhelming. Can I sit with this? Russ always says, sensation without explanation. You don't need to create a story of like, I'm doing it again, and here I go, I'm texting or I'm calling, or I'm mad at my boss, or my friend did this. It doesn't mean that we have to go right back into the story. What I want you to be able to do is start to recognize and say, does this feel familiar? Yeah, I've felt this before.

• 3:39Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, start to quantify, like, when have I felt this before? Again, we're not creating a story, I want you to look at the facts that there is. And then what I want you to do is sit with the sensation. It will feel so wildly uncomfortable, but it takes 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course, Jill Bolte Taylor, talk about that in the book. It's 90 seconds, but what ends up happening is the clock gets restarted every time we have a new thought or something comes up. And so if you need to set your clock for three minutes and just sit with the sensation of, yeah, this feels familiar, and start to get curious, like, this is where self-awareness starts to play in on the healing journey. It's not the only thing, right? We need the self-awareness, but we also need to implement and integrate this material. And so maybe that just means sitting there and making a fist and then letting it go. Or rolling your shoulders back, right?

• 4:24Sabrina Zohar?

  That's a huge thing. Acknowledging that there is a part of you that needs you right now, that feels scared, that feels worried, that feels any of these emotions and feelings. But you don't need to create a story. It doesn't need to be, this is happening, so I hired the wrong person, and that means I'm going to lose everything, and I have to fire them today, because otherwise I'm not going to be okay. Okay, is that the only option right now? Is that your only choice? And something that Russ taught me was, what would someone who loves themselves do? What is the most loving and kind thing that you could do? In the moment that I was in, was to eat. I wasn't eating. I wasn't eating enough food. I was so anxious, I'm on this nervous energy, and when you're dysregulated, you're not going to be hungry, you're not going to be thirsty, you're not going to be doing the basic things that you need for yourself.

• 5:05Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I think recognizing it means being aware and checking in with yourself, even if at first that requires a clock that goes, have you set your alarm for every hour, for you to check in on how you're feeling? For you to start to look and say, how familiar does this pattern feel? For you to look and say, I've been here before, I know that this isn't new, I don't need to create a story, I just need to be. I just need to sit, right? It's okay, right? Name it, tame it, it's important. And then what are you going to do with that? Okay, so I'm feeling dysregulated, great. Okay, now what? That's what's really important, baby. Because breaking your patterns, I think a lot of us, it wants to be this like, one done, right? I just do this and it's over. And it's like, I wrote an entire book of 304 pages to do this, and I can give you a quick synopsis.

• 5:49Sabrina Zohar?

  So, one, you got to acknowledge where you came from. Two, you got to look at the programming that you soaked up. Three, we have to look at your core beliefs and where you learned those from. Four, you got to look at your triggers. Then, five, we have to start to look at boundaries and how your patterns follow you in your relationships and what they cost you. Next one, you got to choose yourself, means you got to learn to be okay losing people. Then we got to let go of that shit. And beyond that, we have to rebuild our bullshit blueprint, so that you're not beholden to it. Again, you could read my book, you go to therapy, you could go to a coach, I don't give a fuck, do whatever you need to do. But just listening to a podcast alone and then going on with your day, isn't necessarily going to move the needle in the way that like, doing and implementing every single day is. That's what's really important.

• 6:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, we actually have this new webinar that we just launched, and I'll be doing it weekly for the time being. And we're creating this whole new course that I have, that's a weekly thing, it's eight weeks, but every single day, you have material that you have to work with. Yeah, yeah, you get the teachings, you get all that, but every day, you check in with yourselves. If you want to join the webinars, it's on my website, sabrina zohar.com. It's free, the webinar is free, the course is not. But the reason I wanted to do that is because it takes us time to implement new behavior every single day. That's what's really important. And everybody just wants tools, tools, tools. I can give you tools, I can give you the like, go for a walk, stop and set your clock for 60 seconds and see the emotions, grab the sour candy, like, the tools are great, how often are you implementing them, what are you doing with them? Okay, here we go. We're going to go in for a call.

• 7:17Speaker 05

  Hello, love. I am so happy that you just launched your book. I'm just going to start this by sending support. I know you're having a lot of big feelings about it, but I hope everything goes well. Okay, so my question is about how do you give your brain like expanders, or just like show your brain that good guys out there do exist? Because I feel like that's really where I'm at, is trying to like reprogram with all of the terrible experiences that I've had with men, and show my brain like, hey, there actually are good men out there, and people have good dating experiences, and all of that. Like, what are some content, who are some content creators? What are some things that you show your brain that say like, hey, dating and love is worth

• 8:02Speaker 05

  it? Okay, bye.

• 8:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, angel. It's so real, it's such a real experience. So that's called a perception bias. And so what happens? What I've been learning even about the neuroscience is, oftentimes, our brain, Sane Lance Network, is going to look what feels familiar. And it's a threat to your nervous system to believe anything else. And we get dopamine released. So an example I can give you is, for a long time, I was like, I'm never going to make enough money, I can never live in that big house, right? You see somebody and you're, you're like, I don't know how to do that. Because how scary is that for me to believe it could happen for me? That goes against my core beliefs, that goes against the perception that I've had, that goes against, that's a threat to my nervous system, that that's not actually, my body doesn't know how to keep me safe there. Because that feels overwhelming, because what does that mean? If I have all of those things, right?

• 8:48Sabrina Zohar?

  You have the healthy relationship, you have the secure partner, you have the person that cares for you. Well, then what we also have to do is that goes against the grains of what you believe, that there's nobody out there, and everybody is trash, and dating is the worst, and I'm never going to find anybody. But if you believe that, you will continue to see it. Now, I understand it, I, as you guys know with the book, I did not have a great childhood. I didn't have modeling of what a healthy and secure relationship looked like. But what I would do was I would hold on to the experiences I had with friendships with people, right? So for an example, if you're looking for a partner that makes you feel seen, heard, and understood, and safe, I want you to look at your best friend, or the person that you go to for everything, whether that be a colleague, a friend, it doesn't matter, family member, I don't care. I want you to look at the way you feel with them, and say, okay, well, I know this exists,

• 9:32Sabrina Zohar?

  so this is how I want to feel in my next relationship, and I won't accept any less. The reason it's so important for us to create that in our body is because our body is going to hold on to this feeling of like, okay, got it, cool, this is what we want to feel. And we release dopamine every single time we start to think, like, there's no one out there, there's nobody else, I'm never going to do it, I'm going to lose, I'm going to fail, I'm not going to get this. I had somebody that, she came to the London show, hi baby, if you're listening. She said, I've been looking for a job, I can't fucking find one, it's been non-stop, I'm feeling discouraged. And I told her, you'll see it when you believe it, when you genuinely believe that you're worthy, deserving, you let go and release control of the outcome, and you say, I'm showing up authentically, if it works out, it works out, and if it doesn't, I was in the same place. She just messaged me, and she was like, I have four interviews this week. What changed?

• 10:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Nothing magically, it's not like we waved a wand. She started to believe it. And then that way, it wasn't impacting, it wasn't chipping away, because remember, a first date is just to see if you want to have a second date. But imagine if you said, I need a job, and every job I go to, I realize there's no good jobs, and I'm never going to be happy. It's like, what facts do you have to back that up? Simply because you've had bad ones? So then maybe that means creating your own lane? Maybe that means that we have to look and say, what are my expectations? What am I hoping that I'm going to get? Because this is, remember, it takes 300 reps for your body to remember a new move, it takes 3,000 repetitions for your brain to create a new neural pathway. And I'll be fully transparent, before I found out about the New York Times, I was prepping myself that I wasn't going to get it. Because I didn't want to be like, no, 100%, and then be let down if it didn't happen.

• 11:02Sabrina Zohar?

  But I released control of the outcome. And of course, I said, listen, I'm allowed to be a human, I will be bummed if this doesn't happen. It did. It fucking did. And you know what? I'll be fully honest with you. Me winning that list didn't change anything about how I felt about myself. It didn't. I felt a little flat, it was a bit anticlimactic, you know, you're hustling for months and months and months, and then you get it, and you're like, oh, shouldn't I feel more? And it's the same with healthy and secure. You think, you think, you think, and then you get it, and you're like, Okay, but like this, but where is it? Where are the big emotions and the big feelings? It's like, well, but part of that was the narrative and story that we created. It was less, it was more about that than less about the actual person. And so I also want you to start to look at curious about what do you think this healthy, secure relationship is going to give you?

• 11:45Sabrina Zohar?

  And then that way you can say, well, I give that to myself right now. And so somebody would be lucky to be in my life and is additive, but that doesn't mean that they replace it. They're in addition to, not instead of. You're allowed to be bummed and, and feeling shitty, but maybe that means every day you say, like, I exist, other amazing people exist. Now, I'm gonna go on a date. If it works out, great. And if it doesn't, that's okay, too. I'm allowed to be bummed, I'm allowed to be sad, but that doesn't mean that I have to control the outcome or that my life stops simply because this didn't work out. This episode is sponsored by Tumble. Can we talk about how weirdly hard it is to find a rug? You either buy the gorgeous expensive one and then spend every day terrified someone's going to spill on it, or you buy a washable one that looks cheap and feels like you're still living in your first apartment in college. A rug can completely change how a room looks, but most of them are just not built for real life.

• 12:30Sabrina Zohar?

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• 13:15Sabrina Zohar?

  reviews. Living room, kitchen, entryway, hallway, anywhere, life gets a little messy. Machine washable rugs made better. For a limited time only, our listeners get 10% off and free shipping at tumbl living.com backslash Sabrina. That's T U M B L E living.com slash Sabrina. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Welcome to the 50th Hunger Games.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Witness the beginning of the revolution.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  Hey Mitch, you've been trying to take down these games from the start.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Film for IMAX.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Make them remember you.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping, November 20th, rated PG-13.

• 13:55Sabrina Zohar?

  All right, babybies, let's go to a question. Hi Sabrina. Hi. Your podcast has helped me view myself with a lot more grace and badassery over the past year. So thanks for showing up and helping me see that a mess, foul-mouthed gal is lovable and awesome. Baby, if I don't know, I couldn't feel that anymore in my loins. It's so funny, even yesterday, Masha texts me and she goes, so for all those people that say you're too much or need to stop cursing, I think this list tells them otherwise. And I said, and that is the, you can go fuck yourself. You can go fuck yourself. It's so easy to perceive ourselves, even, I'll be honest with you guys, before I even get to this question, I had a clip that went viral and it was about three questions to ask on a first date with Jay Shetty. And I looked at the comments, don't ever do that. Don't ever look at the comments of your own content.

• 14:38Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's, you know, there's like dozen, thousands of people being like, I wanted this episode, love this, love this. But then there's the people of like, I would never ask that. Oh my god. I'm like, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. And I let that sit in my fucking head. And then you know what? I looked over and I saw 120,000 fucking people saved that reel. But then there were maybe 200 people that didn't like it. And it's easy to look perceptually of being like, see, they don't like it, they don't want it, because that fits the core belief, that fits the pattern that I'm in versus looking at something else going, wait a minute? No, look at how many people loved this. Look how many people shared it and saved it, which means so much more than the couple hundred people that don't fucking understand what I'm trying to say. The reason I share that is because you are worthy and deserving. You are fucking amazing as you are.

• 15:23Sabrina Zohar?

  And anybody that wants you to change because it makes them more comfortable can go fuck themselves. It's as simple as I have to say it. You don't need to change yourself to be accepted by other people. Now, if you start to see behavior that is not serving you and there is a pattern of people like, oh, you're texting me 100 times, you're freaking out, you're projecting on me, that's very different. But who you are fundamentally at your core is beautiful, amazing, worthy and deserving. But baby, I need you to believe that, because I could tell you all day, but you won't see your life change until you believe that you're worthy and deserving of that. Let's get back, ADHD brain. I saw that meme of like, you know, people say ADHD, like you told me 40 stories instead of saying, thank you for entertaining me. You're welcome. Okay, my story and pattern is that none of my relationships make it past nine months. It's like clockwork. Okay, I used to have something similar and I'm curious to see as we continue on.

• 16:08Sabrina Zohar?

  Initial dating and initial breakup at month three to four. Oh, okay, you just, you just told me everything I needed to know, but we'll keep going. Getting back together, just trying again two weeks later and it's good for a month and I'm nervous they're going to break up with me and over every expression of heart emotion and then nine months rolls around and it's officially over. Angel baby, I think that first paragraph just told us what the issue is and what your part in this is. It's not your fault. I hope you know that, but the part, the part, I'm just gonna even say it. Initial dating and then in a breakup, three to four months later. So then you, you guys aren't actually vetting each other? And if you are, then I need you to be okay with things ending if at three months they don't go well. Because then it's, we get back together. No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna be fully honest with you.

• 16:52Sabrina Zohar?

  The hardest lesson I learned about healthy and secure love is it's actually not that fucking hard. We overcomplicate and put ourselves through mental gymnastics in the dating phase and they did this and then we broke up and then they came back and then, then, then, then they're unavailable. When someone's fucking into you, they're not gonna hide that. They're gonna be there, they're gonna be afraid of losing you, they're gonna care about their impact on you, and they're gonna give a shit about the progress of this relationship and they're not gonna be worried about breaking it off with you because they would never want to lose you to begin with. Stop overcomplicating dating and relationships harder than they need to be. It's actually a lot smoother when you meet somebody that's as intentional as you are. The last relationship, I feel like I can name the patterns, I feel the wounds, can name the voice where I heard it first. I've been in therapy, I have plenty of formal education in psychology, a bachelor's and a master's.

• 17:34Sabrina Zohar?

  I joke that I have a master's degree in self-reflection, applied sport and performance psychology, and yet I keep dating men who shut down when they feel overwhelmed. Yeah, because that's familiar probably. I would argue to go back and say, now, here's the thing, like, before I even finish this email, the harsh reality that you guys need to fucking hear is that shit is uncomfortable. Breaking your patterns feels shitty. It feels uncomfortable, it feels like a threat to your life, it feels like survival is never gonna happen. It doesn't feel good because you've been doing the same thing for this many years. Thank you for giving me the prime example of intellectualizing is different than implementing. You can intellectually know, I, I know I shouldn't eat sugar, baby, who is at the fucking bakery all the time? Who has a cupcake tattoo? It's me. And so you can know that you need to do something different, but does your nervous system feel safe enough to do that?

• 18:20Sabrina Zohar?

  That's very different, my angel. I broke up with a guy last night. We're a long distance, me in Seattle, him in Sacramento. Dating stage for four months, officially with a label for nine. We got into a blow up on Thursday night. I wasn't feeling seen or heard and my voice started to raise. He said, calm down. It made me feel like I was too much. Okay, because in what world does calm down ever work? When have you told a woman, calm down? And she's like, you know what? You're right, I didn't think about that. It doesn't fucking work. It's dismissive, it discredits the person and it tries to put the other person back into control. You need to calm down. Instead, you deserve someone that says, hey, I see that you're getting heightened. Can I understand what's going on? If we could lower our voice so that I could understand you a little bit more? Stop fucking dating children and start dating adults who know how to communicate. Anyways, on Sunday, we were on the phone for over five hours.

• 19:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, yeah, no, that, you didn't lose me. You got my face. And I knew it was because we were breaking up. Baby, what are we doing? But the literal last two hours were just me telling him to essentially make the final call on our relationship. No, you need to stand up for yourself. You need to stop waiting for other people to tell you the relationship that you deserve to have. Okay? You guys know, I don't read these emails prior, so this is where you're getting all this. I told him over and over that I was willing to keep working on us and he just continued to ask for a few minutes to make a decision. It was back and forth for over two hours until finally I told him that his decision was hurting me more, the fact that he could not choose me. No, you are not choosing yourself. That's it. I don't even need to really read the rest of this email. You are not choosing yourself. You are self-abandoning. No, you need to tell me, you tell me, you tell me. Is it over?

• 19:48Sabrina Zohar?

  You tell me, you tell me. What about you? You want a partner? You, this is how you want to date somebody? This is the type of partner you want? So when life gets really hard, you want somebody that, that can't make a choice? That you have to convince them to either keep you or to let you go? I told him I was disappointed that I had to be the one to make the final decision. Why are you so disappointed with that? Why is it that everybody else has to make the choice but you, baby? This is the shit that we need to start to work on. This is the stuff. I would be curious if you read this email to your therapist, what they said. I would. And if they're not catching in this, maybe find a new therapist. I don't know. I don't know who your therapist is. I've had to go through a few. Two hours of him just asking me to stay on the phone with him and me agreeing, hoping that he would say the words he wants to keep working on this. That's why you stayed on the phone. This had nothing to do with him. You wanted to be chosen. That's, I can feel the fear that you want so badly for someone to just say, I'm not gonna leave you.

• 20:33Sabrina Zohar?

  Baby, that's childhood. I know it. I can put money on it. I've, I used to do it. He, but he literally could not, and I mean it literally. I can see him getting overwhelmed. He shuts down because it's survival, but this time I wasn't yelling, I was very calm and collected, and yet his nervous system still got flooded. Yeah, because you were being emotional. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but please, no, I'm not saying, don't do that. But if this person's avoidant, they don't just shut down because you raise your voice. They're shutting down because it feels overwhelming that they get flooded because of all of this emotion and maybe that person doesn't know what to do with it and has never been taught what to do with it. Again, we don't need to condone shitty behavior and be like, oh, well, that poor thing. No, no, no, we can hold to conflicting thoughts. I understand that that might be a survival response, but I also know that still doesn't work for me. Right? The same with my anxious babes. You don't get to just go around and scream and yell and text a hundred times and go, wow,

• 21:18Sabrina Zohar?

  but that's my anxious attachment. It's like, bitch, what are you gonna do with it? It might make me an asshole to say, but his lack of ability to self-regulate isn't my fault. I asked the right questions, give him space. But I would argue and say, but you're not self-regulating either, Angel. You're not. You're trying to use logic of like, but I'm explaining and I'm explaining, but you're not actually being in this moment. And that's very judgmental. Like, well, that's not my fault. You're right. You're right. It's not your fault. And it's not your responsibility to deal with it 100%, but what about your side as well? There's a lot of omission of any accountability and it's just like, I don't, I don't, I'm just so confused. I don't get it. Why does this keep happening? It's like, I think we know. You gotta be okay being uncomfortable. You're holding on to people longer than they need to be held on to because you're scared of being alone. And I get that. But I would argue to say, if you started walking away quicker from these people, the person that

• 22:01Sabrina Zohar?

  might not activate you, that might be a little boring, that might not be as high and low, that's the one that you're probably gonna go, hmm, because they're consistent and reciprocal unlike these motherfuckers. There isn't really a conclusion to the story, but I just feel like I'm in the trenches. I would love to get past nine months in any relationship. It's happened in every serious relationship since high school, four times over the last 10 years. I see I'm part of my own problem and need to break the loop. Thanks for reading. If you have any specific episodes, it can point me in the right direction. That would be great. And of course, I'm getting my hands on your book. Yay. Thank you, baby. I've signed up for the November webinar. If anything, thanks for letting me write in debt. Okay. I love you, baby. And you know, I am so here for you, Dee. I am so fucking here for you. But my Angel, we have got to start to look and say, what is the resistance to being uncomfortable? You're not making choices for yourself. Everything is like, but they and they and they. The reason

• 22:44Sabrina Zohar?

  that these aren't lasting more than nine months is because they shouldn't be lasting more than a month. The reason that these relationships aren't going anywhere is because you're seeing their limitations and then you're hoping that they are just gonna change, or if you keep loving them, or if you just keep staying, that maybe they're going to all of a sudden choose you. And I am here to let you know that that's just not gonna happen. Giving someone more love that they can't already receive isn't how they're going to start to love you. That's just how you start to lose yourself. You have got to be okay losing other people at the expense of maybe not losing yourself because that is far too fucking expensive. I'm okay not having you in my life. I'm not okay having my, not having my back.

• 23:16Speaker 00

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• 23:27Speaker 01

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• 23:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, babies. We have another call in.

• 24:02Speaker 06

  Hey, there Sabrina. I know that you've quite often talked about dopamine and the effects that can have on us, whether it's to do with someone texting us back or someone swiping the right way for us on a dating app. And I know that you've often talked about the effects of a 30-day no contact with someone that we're either trying to get over or maybe we're stuck in a limerence pattern with or that fantasy loop. Do you think therefore that people in general should perhaps consider a social media break for 30 days so we ourselves can clear our consciousness of these dopamine loops? That's what I was curious about. Rather than just no contact with the person, do you think that we also need no contact with our internal social media accounts or dating apps, for example?

• 24:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Angel, that's a valid question and I love it. Okay, so here's a couple of things. It's funny, I saw somebody and they raised a really good point. They were like, what are you talking about no contact? You broke up with this person. Why would you have contact? It's like, that's it. You guys are done. And that was the point where I was like, it's true. We're romanticizing no contact. It's like, I'm in no contact. It's like, yeah, they're not in your life anymore. Why would you have contact with this person? It's false hope. So, here are my thoughts. I think social media can be very dangerous. As somebody who works in it, I have Ryan yelling at me all the time of like, no more inputs, no more inputs, put your phone down, because baby, I get myself on my own loops and I have to like not look at comments. Like, it's, it's, taking care of your mental health is really, really important. What I would say is, we want to start to incrementally start to like remove ourselves, as opposed to just going one day and never turning it

• 25:29Sabrina Zohar?

  back on, because that might feel really overwhelming. With the no contact with an ex and the reason that we do that is like, because they're no longer in your life. Like, we gotta rip the Band-Aid and call it a day. But with other things, when we're going from 100 to zero, that might feel really overwhelming. So, what I would suggest is, 100%, I love this, give yourself allotted time. I know that there's also like those bricks that you can put on your phone that won't let you into apps. You can set a parameter that like you only give yourself one hour a day of social media. That way, if you go and you're like, okay, well, that's it. I've reached my peak. With dating apps, I love the idea of using them in moderation. And what really changed it for me was I changed the way that I interacted with dating apps. I allowed myself on the apps once a day. That was it. Now, obviously, if I'm in the middle of a conversation, I might go back and forth. And

• 26:14Sabrina Zohar?

  then eventually I would say, hey, do you want to have like a FaceTime, a vibe check if you're not comfortable meeting yet? Or being like, hey, like here's my number or whatever, right? You've, go by your comfort level. You don't want to give your phone number. You can do a fake number. I don't care. Like, do things that make you feel comfortable. I'm just speaking in my own terms of what I did personally. I would give my phone number or I would be like, hey, do you want to like take this off the app? You want to like go for a walk? Do something at least just to like see if this person was worth my time. Because outside of that, I didn't want to be sitting there in an app on a nap on a nap and missing out on life. We are so used to this. I, I mean, you see it. Go on the train, depending on where you live. Go to a doctor's office and you see everybody like that. Like, one girl, I remember in London, she was practically in her phone. I was like, girl, this can't be good for your vision. In it. I would suggest starting to limit, right? And so maybe it looks like I only go on the dating apps once a day. I

• 26:59Sabrina Zohar?

  turned off notifications and I only match with people that have shown me interest. That's why I like Hinge, because you can see, it's not a swiping platform. It's like, oh, 20 messages, I can see who I like, right? Whatever app you want. That way, you start to use it in moderation. That really changed it for me right before I met Ryan, was I only really matched with people that showed me interest. So I didn't feel like I was constantly sitting there for hours trying to get someone's attention. And I really, really focused on being out in my life. And what I want you to start to notice is every time you want to grab for your phone, this is a practice I'm doing as well, I want you to start to get curious about what comes up right before. Is it that like, I feel uncomfortable? I'm looking for safety, right? Again, don't try to do all this in one day. It's never gonna work. It's, again, the New Year's resolutions. That's why they don't work. That's why they don't

• 27:44Sabrina Zohar?

  stick. And a week later, you're still being an asshole. Said with love. But I want you to start to limit it, right? And so maybe if you look at your phone and you're like, oh my God, I was on social media for eight hours yesterday. Yikes. Tomorrow will be seven hours and 30 minutes. We just want to start incrementally, because what you're doing is you're training your nervous system to go, oh, this is safe. And we have to rebalance our dopamine receptors, right? And it's not even just dopamine. We're talking all these different neurotransmitters and we have the default mode network. Your default mode network is going to always default to what it knows, right? Oh, grab my phone when I'm uncomfortable. Oop, call somebody and cry. Do all these things. Like, some of those are good. Calling someone and crying is not a bad problem. But grabbing your phone every time you feel dysregulated or you feel sad, that can be an issue, right? That can be something that is not actually really healthy for us. And so I would start to limit it

• 28:28Sabrina Zohar?

  over time so that you can start to experience things in person. Maybe that means like, I've just been starting doing this, where like, I will put my phone down for an hour and I'm like, that's it. Like, I'm watching my show or I'm gonna go do yoga or I'm gonna go on a walk and I'm just gonna put my phone in my pocket. Every time I want to reach for it, I take a deep breath. Maybe I will still reach for it, but I remind myself like, hey, Sab, you get to be present right now. Doing little things, right? Benchmarks of like, I'm gonna set my clock for 30 minutes and I won't touch it until the alarm goes off. I want you to do things that support your journey, because it's gonna be over. If I were to just be like, yeah, yeah, that's it. Just don't ever go on social media and don't ever look at your phone and, come on. We both know that that's not gonna happen. And I understand dating apps are a part of life. We've got, but listen, either you're gonna fight the fucking current or you're gonna go with the wave. And so, fine, you want

• 29:13Sabrina Zohar?

  to do the like, I don't do dating apps. That's cool. Are you cool getting rejected in person? Are you cool going and shooting your shot? Are you okay being alone? You get to choose. I don't give a fuck what you decide. You're welcome to. You are welcome to do whatever you want. But that's like saying, I'm not gonna use LinkedIn to find a job, but I'm gonna go into the places and leave my application on the counter. And you're like, okay, okay, you want to do something that feels a little bit harder and, but it resonates with you? I am here for whatever feels right for you. I am never gonna be one of those people that tells you have to do something. That's even what I laugh when people attack me on content. I'm like, no one's forcing you to do this, by the way. Like, you are welcome to just not do it. You're welcome to just be like, I, I don't want to do that. Okay, cool. Be an adult and make your own free fucking will. But what I've seen, not only

• 29:56Sabrina Zohar?

  professionally, personally, clinically, all of these different things, is we want to go really slow when we're starting to go through these withdrawals. The reason no contact has to be what that is, is because that person broke up with you, right? Like, that's the ending of it. And so you're not gonna keep bothering somebody when they're like, hey, we're done. That's very different than our relationship to our phones. And so I want us to start doing things. I've been trying to do that. Now I go on walks and when Ryan and I go on the weekends, I don't take my phone. I never take my phone on my morning walks. It's not necessary. I'm trying to connect with my partner. Over dinner, we don't have our phone unless it's an agreement like last night when I found out about the times. Like, yes, I had my phone because I was doing a bunch of stuff while we were having dinner and so was he. There are times where you ask, and I remember even Ryan and I were at dinner and I guess I had grabbed my phone and I was looking at something. I

• 30:39Sabrina Zohar?

  was sharing it with him. But he started to just shut down and I was like, okay. And then he was giving me one-word answers. And so when we went back to her hotel, I said, are you in a mood? Like, do you want me to leave you alone? And he was like, no, I felt really disconnected. You took out your phone at dinner. I was like, okay, that's fair. And we had a conversation. I was like, next time, use your words. Like, talk to me and tell me, hey, I feel disconnected. You just pulled your phone out. We're in the middle of a conversation. I'd like to continue it. Great, no problem. Put my phone down. It's okay to have moments where you're a human and you're like, oh, okay. I didn't mean to do that. Next time, please just tell me. Like, I would love to know what you need in the moment instead of shutting down and then moping and then being sad. And then I'm sitting here going, are you okay? What's going on? That's not how we want to handle it. And I do that, too. This is not just him. I've done that where I've shut down and I'm like, meh, because you're in your mood. But I want us to just be more aware how often we're grabbing it.

• 31:23Sabrina Zohar?

  What are the relationships and the life that we're having outside of it? And can we build a life off of our phones? I think that's really fucking important. All right, babies, ready some quick rapid fire? I set boundaries, but then still stay when they don't respect me. Why? The why doesn't actually matter. I think what's happening, if you want to know why, you're not able to grieve the ending of things. And there's a part of you that doesn't actually believe that you're deserving and worthy of setting those boundaries. It's easy to say, no, I'm not going to do that. And then somebody pushes and you go, okay. Because you have to be okay disappointing other people. Otherwise, you're just going to lose yourself in the process. Could you run through the stages of breaking patterns, habits, please? This is the book. This is literally my book, my angels. Like, this is the steps. It's like, understanding where they came from, understanding how old you feel, where they feel in your body, and then what can you do to actually break through them?

• 32:07Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, setting boundaries, understanding your triggers, being able to sit in the discomfort, expanding your window of tolerance, putting time and space between stimulus and response. Like, this is it. And I think so many people want these quick fixes of like, oh, let me just give this to you. And then in five minutes, it's done. It's like, no, I am selling the worst thing to sell, real, sustainable, long-term change. That takes time. That's like saying, like, I want a six-pack. Give me three moves I could do. And then in a week, it's there. It's like, that's never gonna happen. You have to commit. There are things that you actually need to do in order to start to see. You have to expand your window of tolerance and be okay being disappointed and saying, like, yeah, I'm breaking my patterns. I can't grab my phone right now. And that's okay. And that's okay. I'm gonna sit there for 30 minutes and I'm not gonna do that. I would normally text this person, or I would normally pop off on this person, or I would get mad at my friend for not texting me back, but I am going to sit in this for 20 minutes

• 32:52Sabrina Zohar?

  and I'm gonna allow myself to feel the emotions. That's how you expand. Because then 20 minutes go by and you're like, I could do that. I could do 30 minutes. Give it a try, my baby. But like, this is shameless plug, but that's why I wrote this book. And it's an audiobook and I narrate it. So if you want to listen to me. Okay. How do you even identify patterns? Must be more nuanced than making bad choices. Because what we want to look at is how often am I repeating the same thing? Does this happen with every single person I encounter? Is every single time I get a job, I do this? Every single time I date, I do this? This is where self-awareness comes in. No one is going to be able to address your patterns unless you start to actually objectively look at them and say, how often have I felt this way? How often have I done this behavior? It is more nuanced than just not making bad choices.

• 33:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Not everything is bad choices, right? Me grabbing my phone every time I get anxious isn't necessarily a bad choice. We don't need to go into binary. But it is a pattern because I am so uncomfortable sitting in the emotion that I'm in that I look for something external to take me out of it. So can we sit in that discomfort? Can we sensation without explanation? Can we just be and say, I really hate this right now? Okay. Okay. And then by the end of it, take a deep breath, roll your fucking shoulders back and remember who you are. A lot of the questions you guys are asking of like, how do I stop being anxiously attached with a new person? How do I stop self-abandoning? And it's like, this is what I mean. These are not quick fixes. These are not quick, just like, just do this and then it's done. It's like, this is doing the work. This is why a lot of people don't necessarily want to continue on with the things that I tell them to do.

• 34:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Because it's uncomfortable, it's messy, and people want a quick fix. We don't want to be uncomfortable. We want to do anything we can. So it's easier to go for the person that's like, do these three things and you'll never feel anxious again. And it's like, and then you're sitting there scrolling their content for six hours, looking for more, more, more, because it's externalized. You actually want to stop doing this shit? You need to start to understand, where did you learn it from? What are you feeling, right? You're anxiously attached with every person you meet? Maybe we can also start to look, is it your anxious attachment or is that person also just treating you like shit? Is it your anxious attachment or are they being super consistent and secure and reliable and safe? And yet you're constantly creating narratives and stories? That's very different than, they're treating me like garbage, they're inconsistent, they're not there, they're hot and cold, but yet I'm constantly anxious. It's like, yeah, I don't know anybody that wouldn't be. But a lot of people, they love to outsource and say, their avoidance made me anxious.

• 35:06Sabrina Zohar?

  No, baby, your anxious attachment made you put up with their avoidance. I know, we don't like that. I know. All right, baby. Let's go into product of the week. If you live anywhere near a Goop Kitchen, this is your sign to run, not walk. Their Thai crunchy salad and their Brentwood chicken salad. Jesus Christ, I love Goop Kitchen so much. And you guys get 20% off. It's Sabrina20, wherever you order, I think on GoopKitchen.com. We had it at the party when I did my inner child party and everybody freaked out because everything is gluten-free. It is fresh, it's delicious. I am so obsessed. Their salad dressing is, I want to bathe in them. I am obsessed with Goop Kitchen and everybody that I gave the code was like, oh, my God, I'm on my way. Sabrina20, go get 20% off your dinner. Enjoy a healthy meal.

• 35:50Sabrina Zohar?

  Give yourself some love and let me know if you like the Brentwood chicken salad. It's my favorite. Those crunchies on top are unbelievable. This is not even sponsored. I just am obsessed with Goop Kitchen and we asked them to give us a code. Honestly, it was because I wanted one, too. I love Goop. I order them so much. I used to have a membership when I lived in Venice. That's how much I loved Goop, so. All right, tool of the week. I want you to try this. Rename the contact. Now, this could be a friend, it could be anybody. This is not just romantic. I told you, baby, we're starting to get out of just talking about romance. It takes 30 seconds. So, one, on your phone, I want you to find the person where your old habits run through, right? And I want you to start to rename. So an example, for Dee, right? Put that guy in your name on your phone as couldn't choose me for two hours, left me

• 36:34Sabrina Zohar?

  on red for three days, only text after 11:00 PM, said he'd call and didn't, she plays games. I want you to consistently remind yourself, I used to change in my phone, don't fucking answer, they're wasting your time, not a shot, or regulate first. It's okay to start to put people in a space where they belong. One thing I've learned from romanticizing people for so long is that they're actually not as great as you think they are. That's us. We are amazing. We are project, we are showing up in that. But very rarely are they. Because you wouldn't have to romanticize somebody, you would be able to just enjoy them for who they are. And I want you to do this because what happens is the minute you see your phone, every time you go to check, text them, or you check or whatever, their name pops up and you see what really happened and you see that reminder.

• 37:19Sabrina Zohar?

  Try it and let me know. I'm so proud of my babes. Thank you, guys, for being here. Thank you for helping me make the New York Times list. I just, this doesn't feel real to say. I still am reconciling with it. Thank you for buying my book. Thank you, guys, for being here and supporting. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Leave a comment, five stars, baby. And listen to the episodes, right? Like, I can only keep this podcast going if you guys come back every week, not if you cherry pick and go, well, I only want this episode and this. Well, then I can't keep the show going. Because if we have an ebb and flow of an audience, well, then we're not able to really build a community and really grow from here. So, baby, I got you if you come back and sit with me. And if you don't, that's okay, too. I'm just grateful that you're here. But the work compounds and don't forget that. I love you, guys.

• 38:04Sabrina Zohar?

  If you need anything, sabrinazohar.com. Join our free webinar. Merch is coming soon. Join our email list. You don't ever miss anything. We've been sending a lot of awesome emails. I have it, baby, for you at sabrinazohar.com. I love you, friends. Mwah, mwah. I will see you, guys, in a few days.