234: How To Choose Yourself Without Losing People?

Why do we stay quiet when something hurts? In this episode I get honest about people pleasing, fear of rejection, and the shame that kept me saying yes when I meant no, in dating, friendships, family, and at work. I open up about my childhood, my dad disowning me after I set a boundary, and what speaking up has cost me. We also get into the neuroscience of rejection and why it hurts like physical pain, the difference between shame, guilt, and regret, and why blame is a defense against shame. I also answer your questions on forgiving yourself after a breakup or cheating, letting go of self-blame, and believing you’re “too much.” Then I share my tool of the week, the “actually” sentence, a simple daily practice to stop fawning, set healthy boundaries, and build self-worth one true sentence at a time. If you’ve ever shrunk yourself to keep someone in your life, this episode is for you. Order Sabrina's book,⁠⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠⁠Product of the week! ⁠https://go.shopmy.us/p-101446356Get Ad free ⁠⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠⁠ Support the show by supporting our sponsors: Go to https://EmbarkVet.com and use code SABRINA for $10 off the Breed + Health Test Ready to clean out your closet and make some extra money? Download the Vinted app for free and start listing. With no seller fees, you keep every dollar you earn https://www.vinted.com/app Chapters: 00:00 Why You Stay Quiet in Relationships 03:24 How to Say No Without Guilt 06:44 Where Shame Comes From 10:27 Healing Your Inner Child 13:26 The Cost of Speaking Up 17:40 Feeling Like You’re Too Much 20:35 Why Blame Is a Defense Against Shame 25:06 Forgiving Yourself After Hurting Someone 28:21 Shame vs Guilt vs Regret 30:27 How to Stop Fawning: The Actually Tool Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot stop your new clients from emailing you at 3 a.m.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  We can help you sell, market, and hire in one place. We cannot help you be in three places at once. And while we can't help you organize your calendar, LinkedIn can help you land more clients so you have a calendar to organize. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com/smallbusiness.

• 0:31Speaker 01

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• 0:56Sabrina Zohar?

  You ever stay quiet because if you say what you actually need, they might leave? So you swallow it. You perform being the cool girl or guy, which never fucking works. You make yourself small. Maybe a friend asks a favor and you don't want to seem difficult. So you say yes when you actually mean to say no. And then one day you look up and you don't even recognize the relationship you built or the person that you've become. That's what we're talking about today. I stayed quiet and it cost me. But speaking my truth did as well. And it's time for me to tell my story. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my babes. Welcome back. You girls looking a little giddy up. When I went to Nashville, I got myself a cute little boostier, if you're watching. Ah, who have I become? Cowgirl city.

• 1:42Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, babies, I'm so excited to be here with you guys. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Leave a five star, as always. And you can, guys, can buy my book now because it is out. It's no longer pre-orders. You can have it in your hand and I hope you guys love it. Leave a five-star review on Goodreads and Amazon. And thank you guys for being here. I love you to the moon and back. And I'm just so grateful to have you. And today, we are going to be talking about shame, rejection, blame, just all of the heaviness. And again, this isn't just about dating, right? Like, there's so much more to life. But I do know how that can really impact you. And this is for the person who learned that love is safer when you don't need anything. Hites me. Or the one that says it's fine when it's not fine.

• 2:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Or who edits their text or who waits for the right moment that never comes. Who performs being easygoing so they don't get left. Again, not just dating. This is friendships, family, work, every room you have ever shrunk yourself to stay in. And the funny thing is, people see me, and I've gotten this all the time of like, oh, well, you've always been like this. Like, you lived in New York. You must have always had boundaries and told people to fuck off. No, no, no, I actually didn't. Look at me, showing my skin.

• 2:52Sabrina Zohar?

  I didn't, actually, at all. I was so terrified of telling somebody no. And I've kind of briefly touched on this. It hit me the other day. When I was thinking about, like, I always joke of like, I slept my way through Manhattan and that's how I found myself. Hmm, it worked. Here we are. Not saying everyone needs to. But I thought about it and I was like, was it that I was just like, I loved sex and intimacy and, nah, nah? No. It was more, truth be told, I was scared of saying no. And I don't mean in a non-consensual way. So I want to, like, clarify that. Nobody, outside of the two times I've shared with you guys that I did not have consent, no one forced it. But I was scared. So if a guy said something or made an advance, me saying no, I would be the prude,

• 3:36Sabrina Zohar?

  especially when I would be really sexy via text and like trying to get them. And then like, here you are, right? You've got to cash the check. You said you were going to do all these things. The person's in your space. I remember very clearly going out with this guy. I was like 20. I lived in Williamsburg in the first apartment I lived in Williamsburg. And he was, I was 20. He was like in his mid-20s. Like, I don't think he was that much older. And he was nice. And I remember, like, me being, just me not understanding that I was able to have agency and choice to go, oh, no, I don't want you to come back to my house. And so I remember he came back and we started making out. And like, I just wasn't into it. And then like, I remember he took his shirt off. Like, I was not into it. And I was so scared of saying anything.

• 4:20Sabrina Zohar?

  Again, not because of my safety, of just the like, be a good girl, right? Like, just you do what you, like, you're here. And it took me quite a few years to realize like, no, you're allowed to say no. And if that makes somebody leave, then great, let me open the door for you. It doesn't necessarily mean it has to be in an intimacy setting. It could be that somebody tells you to come out late and you don't really want to do that. Your friend invites you to something that you just don't want to do. Your family asks you to overextend yourself and you're just not comfortable doing that. And it became a part of my life that I had to learn that no was going to mean grieving. And that shaming and blaming myself was never going to help. You cannot hate yourself into loving yourself. Saying, well, I hate the anxious parts of me and I just want to get rid of it. How do you think you're going to heal if you hate parts of yourself? You've got to learn to love them. You've got to learn to understand them.

• 5:05Sabrina Zohar?

  And you've got to learn to give them space to tell you what they're scared of so that you could be the adult that you may not have had at a younger fucking time. I had to learn that the hard way because I genuinely thought, if I just hate myself, if I, like, my family, right? If you shame and blame. And back in the day, that worked when we would shame in culture, right? In society and, you know, hunter-gatherer days. And that's how you would keep people in your tribe. Now it's how we exile people. It's how we remove people from our world. And look at the fucking internet. You say one thing and you get canceled. That's it. It's the end of the world. And you're like, Jesus Christ. Like, I've seen people just make innocent statements. And it's like, they're allowed to have an opinion. They're allowed to say that they don't like something or they don't agree with something. It's like, we don't have to make everything so personal and oftentimes we do. So I'm excited about this episode. Yes, there's the neuroscience. You're going to get some of that because I do find some of it interesting.

• 5:49Sabrina Zohar?

  But outside of that, let's just get into it. So, one of you guys had asked, again, @thesabrinaZoharShow on Instagram. You can ask your questions in the question box. So check out the stories. You never know when they're going to come. And I ask you guys so that you can hear them or you can submit to [email protected] and I will answer them on an In the Trenches episode if we think it fits into an episode. Someone said, why did I stay quiet? My story is pretty common. The thing is, staying quiet worked at one time. It kept you attached to that person. It kept you safe. It became the default. I knew for me, saying no to my father was a very dangerous place. Hello, when I said no, that I couldn't go to a wedding with him in 2021, he disowned me. Or 2022, it was the start of 2022. He disowned me.

• 6:30Sabrina Zohar?

  So, yeah, that was very scary because at one point, that did work. That's what I mean by, these might be maladaptive. And I'm not saying that you need to be like, I just love everything about my toxic behavior. I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that we want to get curious about, where did we learn that staying quiet keeps you loved? Or that shaming and blaming yourself is how you're going to grow. Shame is programmed really early. Research shows that it can start between 14 to 18 months before you could talk or walk. When your joy got shut down, when you reached and got coldness, your body learned my authentic self is a threat to attachment. That's even why I was talking to Dr. Ramani yesterday when I was just like having a conversation. And she said, one thing I always look for is when people tell me,

• 7:14Sabrina Zohar?

  you know, I feel this, but I just, I can't put it into words. And she's like, typically speaking, that's because that happened before you had words to express what happened. In the book, if you guys already read it, which I hope you love it. If you have, oh, my God, I've been like so nervous because I want to make my babes proud. Hi, trauma. But in the book, I talk about how, growing up, like, the joke was that I'd always throw up. Like, oh, it was just so fun. But without realizing, like, that was my cry for help. That was me being scared that somebody left me in the room and wanting them to come back and then realizing that I was alone. That is where it is deeply ingrained in my nervous system because you don't just outgrow that. You don't just wake up one day and you're like, oh, you know what? Now I feel super secure and safe. As you guys heard on Masha's episode a few weeks ago,

• 7:56Sabrina Zohar?

  like, we have to create a new environment for us to flourish in the version that we are. And as we know, with shame, your body folds in, right? That's the shame shape. Shoulders round, your chest will cave in, you will go small. And making that shape creates more shame. It's a feedback loop based on your posture. Have you ever heard when people are like, sit up straight? And it's like, yeah, that's not just because of your back. That also helps so that you feel more confident. Like, tits out, right? If we're going to say it that way. Chest up. Be proud. And like, even sometimes I'll be in yoga, you know, and they'll, you know, like, open up. It feels really vulnerable. It feels really, really scary because I'm just like, oh, God, I'm so open and receptive. And this feels crazy because somebody can see me. Because when we take up space, we are saying that it's okay to be ridiculed for who we are

• 8:41Sabrina Zohar?

  because we are allowing potentially people to judge us for who we are. And we now see that when someone gets close, your brain doesn't always read it as connection. Sometimes it can read it as danger. So that's why you'll hide your needs, to keep this person. And I totally understand how that can feel like baseline. And it wasn't until I started to date differently that I started to realize this wasn't making sense, even when I cut it off with my friend that I'd been friends with for 10 years. I outgrew that friendship. I did. The person I was becoming was no longer the person that I was. And I actually think that's really beautiful. You're allowed to outgrow people in your life. You're allowed to outgrow the version that you were. You're allowed to demand better, but you need to be okay grieving the ending of those people and being able to walk away. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person because you say that this is the end of the road. But you know what's going to waste more of your fucking time?

• 9:25Sabrina Zohar?

  Trying to make these people something in your life that they don't belong to be. You don't need to force people to stay in your life. You don't need to remind people that you exist. You don't need to convince people to choose you because if you're so beholden on other people choosing you, you already have lost yourself. We believe that that version of you, yeah, they deserved a caregiver that walked out and they deserved to be tossed around and they deserved to be ignored. The other day, before the book tour, I was having a panic attack. I was so nervous and scared because like, it's a very nerve-wracking and scary thing to do. And...

• 9:59Sabrina Zohar?

  I get emotional thinking about it. I, when I was a kid, when my dad was really at his worst and when he told me to, when my sister and I got into a fight, I ran into my bedroom and he told me to open the door and he promised me he wouldn't hit me. I was sitting in my closet and I had my little suitcase. Um, and there wasn't really anything in it. It was my tea set because I thought I would at least need plates to eat. And I remember sitting in the closet, realizing I had nowhere to go. No one was coming. Oh, man, I prayed, I prayed someone was going to break through the glass door and save me. And no one came. And instead, I opened the door to my dad and he punched

• 10:43Sabrina Zohar?

  me in the face. And I started bleeding everywhere because I had braces and he left. And that was the time my brother, I remember him saying, how the fuck am I going to be the man of the house? I'm only 14. And I remember realizing I did that. That was my fault on paper, right? That was my fault, Sabrina. You did that. And I was thinking about the book tour and how scared I was and how worried I was of what was going to happen and what would the reception be? And I saw her in that closet and I took her, I came through this door and I took her out. And then later in the day, I felt her feeling like, you know, like I, as I was picking her up from school and she was like, oh, I have to go back in there. And I was like, no, you don't.

• 11:26Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't have to go back in. I'm here. I am here for you. And I told her, I was like, we get to keep walking. We get to go to our home. And I feel that, even talking about it now, I feel it in my body. I feel that pull towards going back in that closet and hiding and staking no space and playing small because I opened my mouth, I got in trouble and I, I was the reason my dad left in my head. That doesn't mean that that's necessarily the reality of it now that I'm an adult. Because if anybody ever, ever, ever treated a child like that, they'd have to go through me to get to the kid. But I didn't have that. My mom was terrified. She was scared. She was screaming at my dad to please leave me alone, to stop. And she was begging him and the minute he hit me,

• 12:11Sabrina Zohar?

  she came and grabbed me and took me to the bathroom screaming at him. And he left. And that was it. Didn't even come back for three weeks. This episode is sponsored by Embark and we have a special guest. Hi, Mr. Kobe. So if you don't know Kobe's story, he's a rescue. He was a street dog in Mexico and when he came into our lives, his history was a total blank. People ask me all the time, what is he? And our honest answer has always been, I have no idea. So we're finally finding out and you're coming with us on the adventure over the next few days. We got Kobe's DNA tested with Embark and honestly, it could not have been easier. The box showed up at the house. I followed the instructions, swabbed Kobe's cheek, popped it in the mail and sent it right back. Shipping is free both ways and results generally come back in two to four weeks. Here's what we're going to get. Embarked

• 12:56Sabrina Zohar?

  us over 400 breeds with 99% breed identification accuracy, which makes it the most accurate dog DNA test on the market. So we'll see Kobe's full breed mix, his ancestry, his family tree, everything. I am so excited. It also screens for over 270 genetic health risks. So you and your vet have clear steps and signs. So stay tuned because the results are coming and I genuinely have no idea what we're about to find out. Go to embarkvet.com and use code Sabrina for $10 off the breed and health test. The reason I share so many of my stories is because I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of shame festering because I'm so scared to speak up. Yeah, my father doesn't want

• 13:38Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot make your email response time faster. We can help you sell, market and hire in one place. We cannot help you find space for your three desk drinks. Why do you have three? And while we can't help you find the perfect volume for your presentation video, LinkedIn can help you find the perfect audience for your business. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com/SmallBusiness.

• 14:07Sabrina Zohar?

  Anything to do with me. I already lost my dad when I spoke my truth on Jay Shetty in February of this year, let alone when this book came out. I've already lost him. And staying quiet costs you a lot, but speaking up is also going to cost you. Staying quiet will cost you your self-respect, your self-worth and the love that you have for yourself. And speaking up is going to lose the wrong people in your life. It's going to lose the people that benefited from you staying quiet. And it's going to lose the people that were wasting your fucking time and never had the intentions of giving you what you actually deserve. You get to choose which cost is higher. So I hope that this is your reminder to take up space, to not be so scared.

• 14:49Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's okay. I know that you might say, I have nobody, you don't, you don't have to alienate your family. I'm not saying that you have to go to your parents and tell them to go fuck themselves. But what I am saying is, you're allowed to tell the friend that's not reciprocating to you. I'm sorry, I don't have time right now for this. You're allowed to tell the person, the colleague that just keeps dumping work on your plate. No, I can't take this. I can upset you and I can hurt your feelings, but I'm not going to harm myself in the interim. So let's go into what cost, staying quiet actually costs you. You stop being known because if nobody ever gets to know the real you, the love you receive is not actually yours, right? That's just a performance reward. And then all of a sudden you start to resent. Every unspoken need becomes like a tiny little debt, right? Just like taking a chip away. Eventually, this isn't love, right?

• 15:33Sabrina Zohar?

  You're just now trying so hard to maintain a charade, if you will, of who you're perceiving to be. But who do you actually get to be? It's funny, sometimes when I'll go live on TikTok, people will be like, oh, why do you like snap back at the trolls? Or why do you stand up for yourself? I'm like, because I don't allow people in my ecosystem that are going to tack down to me. I don't. I don't allow people, like I will stand up for myself. I remember once a guy made a really rude comment about like body count to me and I told him go fuck himself. And he posted it to Reddit. He was like, she calls herself a dating coach. This was rude. And thank God my community is there and they were back and they were like, fuck you, dude. Who are you to talk to her like this? And they were like, honestly, she was nice to you. I would have fucking told

• 16:15Sabrina Zohar?

  you 10 times worse. They're like, how about you don't just troll people and send random messages like this? Like, learn a fucking lesson. And what it allowed me to do was realizing like me taking up space, me holding my ground allows other people to feel safe to do so. Because otherwise, you teach people your silence is consent. Again, I am not talking in a victimization mode, so please, let's leave that on the side. But what I am saying is like, when you don't say no, when you don't say, hey, that fucking hurt, we don't say, well, I need more, they learn that they are giving you enough. Okay, right? And like rightfully so. If, if nobody were to give me feedback, but then I'm expecting you to read my mind, it's like, well, that's not going to work because friendships are going to die that way, too. You're outgrowing your friends. Maybe you

• 16:59Sabrina Zohar?

  have ADHD, sense, rejection sensitivity. You end up becoming like the therapist friend, which I've been too many times, like the cool friend or the one with no needs. It's the same pattern. It's the same pattern and we're showing up that way. Or sometimes like what my sister would do. She would be so terrified to say no to me. And I don't know why, like, it's not like I did anything. I would like eventually, because she was a people pleaser like my mom. And I remember my mom came to visit and she was, I looked at her and I said, Jane, we're talking about this right now. I love you. I said, mom's gonna stay with you for two nights. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I said, Jamie, I will record this if I have to. You confirmed to the two nights, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Well, she got triggered and you know, she and my mom are close, but like they are still working their, through their stuff. And she came to me and she goes, so mom can come back with you tonight, right? And I looked at her, I said, no, Jim. No. I said, I'm sorry. I gotta hold you

• 17:44Sabrina Zohar?

  accountable. I was like, we talked about this. I said, mom's staying with me for three weeks. She could stay with you for two nights. And she started getting upset and I said, listen, moving forward, you can absolutely tell me that you don't feel comfortable doing something, but I'm going to hold you accountable to what you did say. And she was like, okay. She was like, that's fair. You're right. I did say yes. And they ended up having a great time. And after she was like, I'm so sorry. I just got really upset and like scared. And I was like, it's okay. You're also human. It's like I, for me, what I really want you guys to remember, you are a fucking human. If you think you have to be perfect, then you are not allowing yourself to fuck up, to disappoint people. And you can't be shocked when you take everything so goddamn personal and attack yourself and shame and blame yourself. Shame has no place. You do not need to put yourself down. You don't need to gaslight yourself. You don't need to belittle yourself and you don't

• 18:27Sabrina Zohar?

  need to fucking betray yourself. How do you not question your worth when they lied and gaslit and betrayed you? Betrayal makes you doubt your own perception. The work isn't trusting them. Fuck them. They chose to do that. It's entrusting yourself that no matter what, I have my back, that when I see it, I will do what I need and that I have me and I am so fucking grateful. I don't need you to validate my experience when I've already validated it myself. And it's, it's made me really, it kind of broke my heart. Somebody had written in and said, I believe that nobody wants me and I'm too much. The belief isn't evidence. I have, that's the core beliefs that I have in the book. I have each one kind of listed out, but that's a prediction that your nervous system learned to protect you from rejection. I know it all too well. How many times have I told you guys like I'm nervous, I'm scared you're not gonna like it?

• 19:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Because that's me rejecting myself and protecting myself because I'm scared. And here's the thing, leave it there. You don't need to create this narrative of, but I thought I did all this work on myself and I should be more. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Cut the bullshit. You're allowed to be a human. When somebody rejects you, I want you to remember rejection is redirection, baby. Them not seeing you for who you are doesn't mean that you need to change who you are. Them telling you that they don't like you in a relationship doesn't mean that you are a problem in a relationship. If there's a pattern and 25 fucking people are telling you the same thing, maybe start to look at it. But if one schmo on the internet tells you that they're not ready for what it is that you want, baby, you don't need to make yourself small to hope that they fucking choose you. Choose yourself. And I know that speaking up can feel like death. Here's the neuroscience of it.

• 19:53Sabrina Zohar?

  So you have a part of your brain called the interior insula. And when you have social pain, right? Rejection activates the same neural regions as physical pain. That's why like someone muting your story or unfollowing you can feel like someone punched you in the gut. But why do I know that all too well? Then you have the ventromedial prefrontal cortex. So if I'm easy to leave is part of your identity, having needs feels like becoming unlovable. So your brain will literally manufacture reasons to stay small because of the identity threat. That's why I even said in the book, who do you get to become? Who do you get to choose that you are? Who is Sabrina if she's not the hot mess? Oh, she's a fucking baddie. She's a boss bitch. Hey. And then there's also the habanera and learned helplessness.

• 20:38Sabrina Zohar?

  I know that. After you have repeated disappointment, your brain suppresses motivation preemptively. What's the point? What's the point of saying anything? That's my sister. She would always be like, what's the point? It doesn't matter. Is a neurochemical state. This isn't a personality flaw. You have to remember your brain is trying to keep you safe. And so, right? Like, why do I get obsessed with people who don't want me? Because rejection spikes the salience network. The no becomes louder than a thousand yeses because it reaffirms a core belief that you already have about yourself. If they don't see who I am, then they must realize that there's nothing about me in order to choose me. And baby, I need you to realize their perception of you, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Your perception of you is what fucking matters here. I need you to choose you. I need you to love you.

• 21:22Sabrina Zohar?

  And I need you to stop waiting for other people to, and I need you to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. Okay, this was, I thought was an interesting one. Somebody had said, why did my ex blame me during the breakup? And my ex did, and I've been feeling at fault for months now. Blame is a defense mechanism against shame. Their blame doesn't mean it has to be your truth, but blame is a defense mechanism. Because for a lot of us, we feel shame. We feel shame and we are trying to make sense of it. But maybe, what if I told you, you don't need to make sense of it? What if I told you that they're allowed to have their perception and you're allowed to have yours? And so I want you to think about now, okay, so what is being, what does the change look like? You catch yourself shrinking. You notice when you say it's fine before it even leaves your mouth.

• 22:05Sabrina Zohar?

  Or maybe right as it does, you go, actually, um, it's not. You feel the cost of staying quiet before you have to pay it. I always, my favorite thing that I learned in DBT therapy was think of future you. How is future me going to feel when I say this to my sister? When I say this to Ryan, when I stand up for myself, when I make a big fucking scene out of nothing? How does future me going to think? Especially, think of future you when you're going through a breakup. You're going through no contact and you're wondering if you should text them? I want you to think about what's gonna happen when you text them and they don't answer? What's gonna happen when they, you text them and they go, hey, I haven't changed my mind, wishing you all the best? What's gonna happen when you text them and you realize you were blocked? I know that you're looking for relief because you're shaming and blaming yourself for why this ended and you're thinking that they could give this to you. But baby, you need to give that to yourself.

• 22:50Sabrina Zohar?

  You need to really think about what it is that you're trying to get from somebody else and then how you can give it to yourself without waiting for someone else to do that. And then we have again, like we had talked about, interreceptive awareness. You cannot speak your needs if you don't feel them. So we need to start feeling things in our body. Wow, this feels like shit. That's it. It doesn't need to be, this feels like shit and I knew no one was gonna like me and I'm not worthy and deserving. Like, the amount of times I will go around this house and be like, I'm anxious. And Ryan's like, oh no, I know. He's like, babe, it's 84 degrees out and you're wearing a sweater. I'm like, hmm. Because I'm allowed to be. I'm allowed to be a human with a human experience. Any of these gurus that tell you that they don't feel these things is fucking lying to you and they are going after your insecurities.

• 23:32Sabrina Zohar?

  They are trying to get you to pay from them and pay them money to give you this thing that doesn't exist. There is no person that doesn't get triggered. There is no person that doesn't get pissed off. And there is no person that loves their partner 24 fucking seven. You wanna know you're in the right relationship? It's not because your partner makes you a better person. It's because your relationship has created safety so that you can become the version of yourself that you've always fucking been. And they also create a safe space to welcome that part of you. Stop having unrealistic expectations about what healing looks like and what being a human looks like because that's why you're going to fucking shame and blame yourself for shit that's out of your control. And you have to remember, self forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's a decision. It's a decision that you make while your body is like, hey, girl, this feels uncomfortable. That's okay. That's okay. When I show myself that compassion and go, well, yeah, I'm a human.

• 24:16Sabrina Zohar?

  Or even my mom, God, I love this woman so much. But this is her trauma. She called me the other day and she forgot a word and she goes, ah, I'm so stupid. And I said, mom, I will not allow this. I said, you had six brain aneurysms and two carotid arteries in the neck. You had three to 5% chance of survival and we didn't even know if you were gonna be here. So you think I'm upset with you because you forget a word? I said, you know, you're allowed to be a human, right? And she softened and she was like, thank you for reminding me. Sometimes you just need the reminder. This episode is sponsored by Vinted. Okay, real question. How many things in your closet still have the tags on? I'm guilty, baby, because I have a whole section of clothes I keep swearing I'm gonna wear and never do. I bought them, I felt good about it for a day, and now they're just sitting there making me feel guilty

• 25:01Sabrina Zohar?

  every time I open the door. I am a big shopper. And sometimes in those moments, I think I'm going to wear it. And then six weeks later, six months later, six years later, I'm like, wow, I still never wore it. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app that makes it really easy for everyday people like you and me to sell the clothes we're not wearing and make some extra money. I'll be honest, I always assumed selling clothes would be like a whole project. And with Vinted, it took me, no joke, a few minutes. You snap a few photos, write a quick description and your item is listed. And once something sells, Vinted creates the prepaid shipping label for you. You don't have to figure out postage or stand in line guessing what box to use. You print it, pack it and send it. I love them so much.

• 25:44Sabrina Zohar?

  I love the ease and I love that you can actually refresh your wardrobe without having to go through the trouble. Selling on Vinted has honestly changed how I shop. When I buy something new, I think about the fact that if it doesn't work out, it doesn't have to sit in my closet forever. Baby, are you ready to clean out your closet and make some extra money? Download the Vinted app for free and start listing. With no seller fees, you keep every dollar you earn. All right, let's see, let's get into some audience questions. I blindsided him after six, hmm, that's quite heavy language. I blindsided him after six months, though I promised to choose him, how do I forgive myself? You-

• 26:16Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot make your email response time faster. We can help you sell, market and hire in one place. We cannot help you find space for your three desk drinks. Why do you have three? And while we can't help you find the perfect volume for your presentation video, LinkedIn can help you find the perfect audience for your business. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com/smallbusiness.

• 26:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Are you, have you not allowed yourself to outgrow? Because here's the thing, I'm sorry, this is where I'm missing. You blindsided him because you promised to choose him. Well, maybe then you stop making promises to people that you're not sure you can keep. Because I don't know who told you that you have to promise someone that you'll always be there. I don't know who told you that. Now, listen, do I feel bad for him that you told him that you were choosing him and then six months you were like, actually not? Sure. But you did the best you could with the information that you have. And so forgiveness starts when you stop punishing yourself. When you started going, hey, but I'm allowed to, right? Like, I, I thought at first that I wanted to be with this person. This is why we fucking date. You don't date so that you guarantee that this is the love of your life. You date to vet and see if this is somebody you wanna build a fucking life with. You need to see them in different environments.

• 27:31Sabrina Zohar?

  You need to see them in different walks of life. Just because in the beginning you thought you wanted something, doesn't mean you always have to believe that. Give yourself the gift of changing your fucking mind, but learn to be honest with people along that way. Learn to be honest with people as it's happening, going, hey, I'm starting to have doubts. Hey, I don't actually know if this is working for me. I know I told you at one point that I was into it and now I'm realizing that maybe I'm not. God damn, normalize changing your fucking mind and not villainizing yourself for being a human. You did the kindest thing you could do to this person. You let them go. That's the kindest thing you could have done. Now learn for the next time. You know what? I'm not gonna make these promises because I don't actually know people well enough to promise that I would choose someone when I don't know them for longer than fucking three months. You guys romanticize true love and, and this and this and Disney and all that stuff.

• 28:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Stop thinking that when you know, you know. And when I meet the right one, it's just gonna fucking work. Disney lied to you. Rom coms are bullshit. You don't always just know. It takes time. You have to see how someone is around your friends and family. You have to see how they are during tough moments. Stop thinking that when you know, you know. You're allowed to not be fucking sure of somebody. You're allowed. But just be honest about that with yourself and with them of like, hey, I'm still going slow. I wanna get to know you. I don't wanna make these promises because at that point, you're writing a check that you actually don't even know if you can cash. After making a mistake, I cheated. I continue to punish myself and I don't deserve love. You're allowed to hold yourself accountable and say- I fucked up. I shouldn't have done that. I really, really shouldn't have done that. I'm gonna learn from this and I'm gonna move on, but you don't need to make yourself disposable.

• 28:58Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't have to shame and blame yourself to the point where you become a shell of a human. Listen, do I condone it? Absolutely not. My father cheated on my mother their entire marriage. We all know how I feel about that, but I also don't villainize people if they are trying to grow and better and become something different from it. If this is a one-time thing, learn from it. Make amends and you lost that person. That's fine. You learn from this, but don't create a pattern. And also like this, I don't deserve love thing. It's like, why do you think you cheated on them? Why do you think you did? Because that belief has always been there. Because people that genuinely believe they are worthy and deserving of love will have a conversation with your partner. You will have open and transparent conversations. I'm not saying that they did anything wrong. I don't mean that maybe, and maybe they just didn't create a safe space. I don't know. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but I do know that you don't need to martyr yourself for the rest of your life. Sure, feel it, mourn it, grieve it, take the accountability,

• 29:43Sabrina Zohar?

  do all of those things, and then allow yourself to move the fuck on and be a human. And it's the same with the person that you cheated on. They're allowed to be upset and mad and all those things. Eventually you gotta let it the fuck go. What are you gonna do? Live the whole life martyring that person? Good luck. I mean, Jesus Christ, way to give your energy to somebody else. Can the feeling of shame be interchangeable with the feeling of regret? Yeah, oftentimes they can overlap because shame will say, I am bad, right? Shame is, I am, I am bad, I am this. Guilt is, I have done something bad. Whereas regret will say, I did something that does not align with who I want to be. One, it'll keep you stuck. I'm bad and I'm this. It's like, okay, woe is me. We're done. Okay, great, great, great. Cool. You're the worst person ever. Next. Regret is like, I did something that I really, I am not proud of. I would like

• 30:26Sabrina Zohar?

  to move on from this and I would like to learn from it. I don't believe that I'm necessarily a bad person for what I did. We have to separate the art from the artist. I don't think you're a bad person because you do stupid shit. I don't think you're a stupid person because you do stupid shit. I think if it's a pattern and you're just not aware of it and you're going around hurting people, that's just not cool. But I don't know that people are as malice and intentional to hurt other people as we want to believe they are. I am so grateful that I can't imagine how people hurt other people because I'm not that type of person. I am so grateful that when someone's a fucking asshole to me and I go, I just don't get that. I'm so glad I don't because I would never treat somebody like that. But I also don't want to automatically assume that they are bad and I am good. I don't need to live in the binary. I can live and say, don't appreciate what they did.

• 31:09Sabrina Zohar?

  Also don't need to keep people in my life that are like that. So, let's get into Tool of the Week, but before we do, my babies, we have Product of the Week. You guys know I'm fucking obsessed with Agent Nator and I got their magnesium. I've never tasted a more delicious magnesium. It's got one, two, three, four, five, six types of magnesium in here, which I love. It's a squeezy pack. It tastes so good. Like I've never had something taste so delicious. And I take it with their holy main. So I, I mean, if you guys are watching, my hair is growing like a beast. It is growing so fast. I was scared when I got colored done. I was like, oh my God, it's gonna kill my hair. No. My hair is so luscious and long and it's like growing so well. That holy main is, is another level. I see where my sisters obsessed with it. One scoop of that collagen a day. Same

• 31:52Sabrina Zohar?

  with the magnesium. Magnesium is so important for sleep, for your nervous system, for your stool, for being regular. Like magnesium plays such a big part in so many aspects. So do not forget to get a high-quality product and that's why I love Agent Nator. So, Tool of the Week, the "actually" sentence. This is a practice. Once a day, in any of these low stakes moments, right? I want you to think about people that you feel safe doing so with. Replace "it's fine" with one true sentence that starts with "actually." Instead of being like, it's fine, I'll go pick up the kids. Actually, I'd rather not do that. Actually, that hurt my feelings. Actually, I need a minute. Actually, no, I disagree with you. I don't, I don't agree. You're allowed to say that. You're allowed to say, and maybe you tell your friends like, hey, when I start with "actually",

• 32:34Sabrina Zohar?

  that's me trying to practice not fawning and going back into it. You don't need to explain or justify or soften or, but the goal isn't to win the conversation. It's to teach your nervous system that you can say the true thing and survive. Every time you say "actually," you're giving your brain one small piece of counter evidence. Authenticity did not get me abandoned. I'm still here. That is how you rewire shame you give yourself permission to. It starts with you. Hate to break it to ya. You don't become yourself by thinking about who you want to be. You become yourself by saying the things you would usually swallow. You gotta remember, the cost of staying quiet is a life that doesn't fit you, but the new choice is one true sentence at a time. I didn't just become this one day because I woke up and I was like, fuck my family.

• 33:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Every single day I made choices that aligned closer and closer with who I'm becoming, which is somebody that is not gonna hide in the shadows. You know what? My family, my dad wants to disown me. Good luck, Godspeed. That's your choice and I will make mine. You want to have a conversation? I'm fucking here for it. I would love to. I would love to explain my story. I would love to share how this impacted me. I would love to hear an apology. I would love to hear anything. But if that's not the case, that's okay. And I know that staying quiet, you might say, well, no, no, no, no, no. It's just easier if I don't rock the boat. But are you trying to live an easy life? Or you're trying to live a meaningful and fulfilled one? You get to choose. Not everything in life is fucking easy. And if that's the life that you want to live, then maybe this isn't the show for you. I say that with love. My friends, I love you. Thank you for being here. Don't forget to rate, subscribe, review. If you followed along from social or you came in and this is

• 34:01Sabrina Zohar?

  your first time, follow along so that you get an alert with every new episode. Don't forget, my book is out in the world. And guys, next month, I'm announcing new merch, so stick around. Join our email list. We're sending out fabulous emails now. We've got a new cadence. So you get to like, we're getting education and some fun stuff. So everything's at sabrina zohar.com. And I'm just grateful to have you guys here. I have Sabrina AI coming in a new community. I'm so excited for what's to come because you guys are the reason I'm here and I want to make sure I'm giving you guys what you actually need. So thank you for being here and thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. Until next week, my angels.

• 34:43Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot stop your new clients from emailing you at 3 a.m. We can help you sell, market, and hire in one place. We cannot help you be in three places at once. And while we can't help you organize your calendar, LinkedIn can help you land more clients so you have a calendar to organize. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com/smallbusiness.

• 35:13Speaker 03

  Para los grandes, para los chicos, para los bajos y los altos, los pacifistas, los valientes, para los optimistas y los pesimistas, los que valoran lo de adentro, para los que están lejos, los que no vende lejos, y los que no vende cerca, para los introvertidos y los extrovertidos, para los que piensan y los que hacen, para los que nos mostraron el camino. Coca-Cola para todos. Compra una Coca-Cola en una tienda cerca de usted.