Pod Insights The Moth The Deep End: The Moth Radio Hour About this episode In this hour, stories of jumping, or being thrown, in the deep end—figuratively and literally. Leaving the "nest," reptilian co-workers, and a school swimathon. This episode is hosted by Jay Allison, producer of The Moth Radio Hour.
Storytellers:
Mukosi Shimaka-Mbasu realizes that participating in the Science Fair means talking to strangers.
Gary Sizer cares for his mother after her ALS diagnosis.
During lockdown, Mytrang Nguyen has to share her office with two lizards.
While participating in a swimathon, Clare Wallder follows the adage "slow and steady wins the race."
College-bound Ianna Banfield practices being away from her mother.
Podcast # 967
Transcript 0:13 Speaker 00 This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host, Jay Allison. The proverb goes, "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst." But sometimes, events go so profoundly awry, the best we can do is keep our heads above water. In this episode, "The Deep End: Where All Our Storytellers Find Themselves." First up is Mukosi Shimaka Mbasu, who told this story at one of our open-mic story slams in Washington DC, where we partner with Public Radio Station WAMU. Here's Mukosi.
0:53 Speaker 01 All right, as you heard, my name is Mukosi Shimaka Mbasu. I'm from here. I was born in the Columbia Hospital for Women. I think it's a set of condos now, as I was saying before the show. That's fine, that happens. I was born to a Jamaican mother and a Kenyan father. That's only important because, as I'm sure most, if not all of you know, there are some subtleties to American society that you have to experience to understand. And given that, at the time that this story takes place, neither of them were citizens. That's something that we had to navigate together.
1:38 Speaker 01 The story takes place when I was 10 years old. I was in 5th grade, just 2 or 3 miles east of here, in PG County. And it was the science fair. For those of you who have competed, you understand. It is a place where you demonstrate your ability to apply the scientific method. You formulate a hypothesis, you gather data, you run experiments, you collect results, and from those results you formulate a conclusion, all of which are displayed on a large, tri-fold cardboard display.
2:11 Speaker 01 If your experiment had some sort of thing with it also, you bring that. Mine was a four by four large wooden frame because my experiment conceived of and executed by me was to show that pulleys, single, double and triple, will geometrically decrease the amount of weight you need to move a set amount of pounds, a set number of inches. I thought it was cool, but at 10 years old, you know, it may be, some people had different ideas. Now, I too am a lifelong person with ADHD, but that's not the hard part, right? I have medicine for that. But what I didn't know and wouldn't for another quarter century was that I'm also autistic.
2:56 Speaker 01 I'm on the spectrum and due to my specific place on the spectrum, speaking to people who I don't know, have no frame of reference for, don't know who they are, where they're from, what they like, at 10 years old, that was an insurmountable task. And again, if you've been in the science fair, you understand that's all it is, is you are talking to a parade of stranger adults who have endless questions about this project that you've completed. So instead of seeing it as a sort of exercise in scholastic achievement, I saw it as a very mild but consistent form of torture in that I don't know how to speak to these people and they're continually asking me questions, which I am continually stammering
3:37 Speaker 01 through and, and just really fumbling the ball here, if, if we're being honest. So as this happens, I, I feel as though I'm being individually persecuted because one adult comes, they ask questions and while I have a very detailed and foundational understanding of this experiment that I took great joy in, in executing, I can't get the words from in my head into their ears. It's just, it's not working. I don't have the tools, I can't do it. And much to my chagrin, what would happen is they would then disappear into the crowd of adults and seemingly beckon yet another adult and send them my way to torture me further.
4:18 Speaker 01 What I found out a few years later, I guess what I came to a realization was, is that they were actually somewhat interested in the experiment and they wanted to speak to this child who had single, double and triple pulleys in a four by four frame.
4:34 Speaker 01 But it was, it was the pulling of teeth and the lifting of fingernails for me at that age. And as the frustration mounted, as this endless cavalcade of adults just continually came by my project over and over, it could have been thirty minutes, it could have been three hours, I don't know. I don't know, there was a sort of time collapse that happens when, when you're in the, the bad mental space of, of, of what I can only say is, what the fuck, right? Like it's, but as this ends and as I tear out of the cafeteria in tears, I'm in the counselor's office, I'm, I, I just can't get my proverbial stuff together. The antiquated P A system, which I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with, chirps on
5:17 Speaker 01 and informs all of the participants to come back to the cafeteria because they are giving awards out, which I personally was ready to go home. It's, it's two P M. and I could have walked all, all twenty miles back to my house, but it's what you sign up for. You have to go back to the cafeteria. So we go back and I'm using my shirt, my sleeve, I'm using anything I can to just wipe the tears that cannot stop falling out of my face. And much to my surprise, one of those awards given out was mine. And not only was one of the awards mine, it was, thank you, it was the first place
5:55 Speaker 01 award, which, again, thank you, because, you know, that, that is like the gold star moment, right? But in actuality, what it means is you then have to go to the high school in a bigger room with more stranger adults and do the same thing for actually longer. But I do want to focus on the actual gold star moment because that first place award meant a lot to me. And as you can tell by the fact that I'm up here, it's something that stuck with me for the rest of my life. So, thank you.
6:35 Speaker 00 Mukosi Shimaka Mbasu is a first-generation American and native Washington DC resident. He says he enjoys life's moments, whatever they are, and the stories we can tell about them. We asked our storytellers in this episode what the next deep end for them might be.
6:54 Speaker 01 I have no idea what the next deep end level of challenge may be, but I'm confident, based on everything that has taken me up to this point, that I'll be ready to leap, or at the very least willingly accept a nudge when presented with it.
7:09 Speaker 00 Our next story was told at a Story Slam, this time in Asheville, North Carolina, where we partner with Blue Ridge Public Radio. Here's Gary Sizer, live at the mall.
7:37 Speaker 02 Japanese knotweed is resilient, it's tough, and it's invasive. About seven years ago, my wife and I bought a house that had sat abandoned for five years, and the previous owners had been very negligent about how they handled their invasives, and the yard was just full of the stuff. And we were out in the yard hacking at the knotweed with machetes when my brother called with news that mom had fallen down and that she couldn't get back up, and that they had to call an ambulance. Now, in that moment, I wasn't particularly shaken, because this sort of thing had happened before. This was after she had suffered probably four minor strokes, I think, and one of her
8:20 Speaker 02 knees was titanium, I think the other one was too. She was in her early 70s, but she had been volunteering at a local art gallery when this had happened. She just kind of tipped over and couldn't get herself back up. This time, it was different, though, because Jim told me that after they ran some tests, they figured out that she was experiencing the early stages of ALS. Now, if you... It sounds like most people know what that means. If you know what ALS is, you kind of know how this story's going to end.
8:56 Speaker 02 Taking care of someone who has ALS is not quite like pushing a boulder up a hill. That boulder is coming down the hill. And the best you can do is slow it down or get out of the way. This diagnosis came right around the beginning of the uptick of the COVID epidemic. So, any long-term medical care or nursing home facilities was basically going to consist of putting her in a room and not seeing her again. So, the family made the difficult decision, she was very much behind this, that we were going to do this on her terms, in her house, with the family as support. So, I got in my car and I drove up to Pennsylvania. And we made one stop along the way to get gas, made no other contacts with people because
9:40 Speaker 02 I didn't want to risk spreading anything. And I moved into my mother's small, two-bedroom apartment. And my brother and myself and a cousin worked shifts, taking care of her as the boulder rolled down the hill. I spent weeks sleeping on the floor in her spare bedroom. And my entire existence centered around listening for the sound of a bell. Anytime that bell rang, day or night, it meant that Mom needed something. And this was an interesting arrangement because now the roles had been reversed, right? She had brought me into this world and she had taken care of me and raised me and changed my diaper.
10:23 Speaker 02 And now we were doing this for her. And it was incredibly difficult. Over the weeks, it became apparent that this boulder was going to roll down the hill very quickly. Some people contract ALS, we've all, you know, we're all familiar with, Stephen Hawking is a terrific example, lived for decades with this ailment. Mom lost weight very quickly, very quickly lost the ability to speak, to move. Her dentures were a choking hazard, so those had to come out. And in less time than anyone imagined, this beautiful, intelligent woman who had raised
11:07 Speaker 02 us and taken care of us was now a toothless skeleton who could only groan and point at things. We got her one of those computer screens that you could blink at and type a message, but her eyesight was poor and that didn't work, so she was restricted to just writing things on a notepad.
11:23 Speaker 02 Now, despite all of this, she still kept her spirit. She still was the same beautiful and intelligent person on the inside. She, her spirit was still there. There was one instance in particular that I remember. I'd just finished changing her bedclothes or arranging pillows or something, and I'd been leaning over her and moving her around in the bed, and it was very strenuous, and I could tell by her face that something was bothering her, and she needed something else. And I said, "Mom, what is it? What else could I possibly do for you?" And she started making these motions with her hands. And, you know, it reminded me of, do you remember that there was a magician in the 70s and 80s, Doug Henning, who did the illusion of magic? It was like that kind of thing. I thought she was telling me that the angels were coming. And I said, "Mom, what, what is it?"
12:07 Speaker 02 And she motioned for her, her notepad, and she wrote, "You need a shower."
12:17 Speaker 02 Okay.
12:22 Speaker 02 Okay, so she's still in there.
12:27 Speaker 02 But that was one of the few high points during this ordeal. Not long after that, one night when I was with her by myself, she was, you know, we were holding hands and just talking about life, and she confessed to me that she wanted to die. She begged me to put a pillow over her face. And I said, "Mom, I can't do that. I'll get in so much trouble."
12:50 Speaker 02 But she really meant it. And it was, it was a sincere, heartfelt moment that just crushed me. And I remember, I think it was, it must have been that morning or the following morning, it was not too long after that, I was on the floor in the spare bedroom, when the weight of everything that was going on hit me. The importance of what I was doing. This was the most important thing I had ever done, and it was doomed to fail. There was no way to succeed. And something inside me broke, and the boulder rolled over me. I've had panic attacks before, but this was...
13:26 Speaker 02 This was like, the walls were melting and I was watching myself from the ceiling and I could see my cousin rush in to comfort me. I have very few memories of that incident, but they told me that I was speaking in tongues and I just, I lost it, I broke. And the next thing I remember was my father-in-law, who lived in a city about an hour away, had come to take me. And before I left, my mom, I remember that she touched my hair and she gave me the ASL sign for "I love you." And I said, "I'll be back." And I went home, thinking that, you know, in two weeks I'll recover. And, you know, I saw my doctor and I'd been diagnosed with a mild psychotic break and they put me on some sedatives.
14:08 Speaker 02 About two weeks later, I got a second phone call from my brother. And he said, "We were giving mom a bath and she was in the warm water and she exhaled and never inhaled again." And that was it. Never saw her again. So I made it back for the funeral. And then I came back here and for about two weeks, I was just numb. And then I remember, one day, I was sitting at home alone, and this is very soon after all of this had just unfolded. And I was probably just staring at a wall, I don't know what I was thinking, probably nothing. And I heard the sound of a dog barking in the distance.
14:50 Speaker 02 One of our neighbors has one of those dogs that makes a noise like a screwdriver to the ears. And it just, it just really started to aggravate me and it filled me with rage. And I knew that if I didn't get out of the house, I was gonna break something or do something that I regretted. So I went onto the porch and I found the machete and I went into the yard and I found some knotweed and I began hacking and slashing and pounding the earth with this machete. And I was bellowing with rage, making the sound of a monster from your nightmares. And I screamed until my throat was raw. And I lifted the blade and I hacked at the earth until my elbow was swollen and my shoulder was numb and my hands were bleeding.
15:31 Speaker 02 And in my mind's eye, every strike of this blade was about to split the earth in half, but all it did was just bounce off the ground and nothing happened, until there was nothing left in me and I collapsed. And I just exhaled and hung my head with my hair hanging in my face. And it was good.
15:50 Speaker 02 Because in that moment, I knew that I was alive and that I was strong. And once again, I could feel.
16:11 Speaker 00 That was Gary Sizer. Gary writes travel comedies and narrates audiobooks. He is working on his next book while living in Montenegro with his wife Sasha and their cat Chester. Gary told us that this experience influenced how he defines a deep end and says that it changed his perception of what's inconvenient and what's truly important. We asked him about his next deep end.
16:39 Speaker 02 I'm in the deep end now. I've spent the last year selling or donating anything that wouldn't fit in a suitcase. And two months ago, I left the US with no concrete plans to return.
16:51 Speaker 00 We also asked him how he's feeling these days.
16:54 Speaker 02 Things are going pretty great. I live in a beautiful place with the person I love most. I eat good food, breathe clean air, and enjoy the weather, even the rain, every single day.
17:14 Speaker 00 In a moment, a charity swim-a-thon and the wisdom of lizards when The Moth Radio Hour continues.
17:28 Speaker 00 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.
17:38 Speaker 00 This is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jay Allison. In the show, we're hearing stories of deep ends about facing challenges we're unprepared for. Our next storyteller went literal with her deep end. Claire Walder told us at a Story Slam in Melbourne, Australia. Here's Claire, live from The Moth.
18:05 Speaker 03 It's the mid 1970s. And in a small town in rural central west New South Wales, at the local school, the sports ground is just a patch of hard red dirt. And teams are being picked, usually for softball, but sometimes even worse, volleyball. And as always, there is one kid left over, and that's me. I can't run, I can't catch, I can't throw, and I'm slower than a wet week. Now, there are those of you out there who will say to me
18:48 Speaker 03 that team sports are great for developing leadership skills and encouraging kids to work together. But for those of us who are always picklers, it is embarrassing, it's pointless, and it's boring. Now, the game starts, and I know where to go, to the outfield, where I'll stand staring at the sky, waiting for the odd ball to dribble my way. But, all that is about to change,
19:28 Speaker 03 because the town where I live is officially the most charitable town in New South Wales. And they give more in real terms than any of those rich, posh suburbs in Sydney. And we are going to have a swim-a-thon. And we're going to raise money for the Guide Dogs, or the Red Cross, or something. And kids are going to be sponsored to swim 40 laps of the local 25-metre pool. And in an era when an ice cream costs five cents, and the going rate per lap is two cents, my dad has agreed to sponsor me 20 cents.
20:17 Speaker 03 Now, in case you think my dad's being generous, he's not.
20:24 Speaker 03 He's being cheap. Because he has spoken to my mother and said, "So, how far do you reckon she can swim?"
20:36 Speaker 03 And mum says, oh, she's pretty hopeless, "I dunno, three, maybe four laps at the most." Unless you think my father is being encouraging, I'd like you to remind you that this is the mid-seventies in rural New South Wales. And that sort of namby-pamby, new age parenting bullshit is not coming into vogue for another twenty years.
21:06 Speaker 03 But I am encouraged, and on the day of the swim-a-thon, we make the hot walk from school down to the local pool. Now, the rules of a swim-a-thon are fairly simple. You jump in one end, you swim to the other end, you climb out, you walk back, get your name marked off, repeat, and off we go. And of course, soon, the faster kids, they're beating me. But it doesn't matter, because it's not a race. All I have to do is keep on swimming, and I'll get there in the end. And soon I have swum my four laps at the most, and I keep going, and I swim ten laps and fifteen laps.
21:51 Speaker 03 And the teachers are amazed. They have never seen me do anything like this.
22:01 Speaker 03 And I keep on swimming, twenty, twenty-five laps, and the teachers are starting to get a bit worried. And they go, "Are you okay? You look a bit tired." And I am tired. My little hands, they're slapping the water. And my body's at a forty-five degree angle. As I drag myself up the pool, and I keep on going.
22:29 Speaker 03 And as the faster kids finish, they take away a lane rope so that they've got, you know, room to play. And I get to about thirty-two laps, thirty-five, and they take away the last lane rope. I am the only kid who is left swimming this swim-a-thon. And I now have to swim around all the other kids as they're doing headstands and dive bombing and playing crocodile may across your golden river. And the teachers are worried. They're worried because the buses are going to be here soon.
23:13 Speaker 03 But I don't care. I just keep going. And I get up to about thirty-eight laps and they say, "The buses are here." And I just keep going. I'm knackered, but I keep going. And then I make it forty laps. And I have enough time to throw my uniform on over my wet cozzy, to climb on the hot, un-air-conditioned buses with vinyl seats for the long, dusty, sticky ride home.
23:50 Speaker 03 And I find dad in his workshop and I say, "You owe me eight bucks." And he says, "What? How far did you swim? This is not going how I thought it would." And I said, "I swam forty laps." He said, "If I knew you could swim forty laps, I wouldn't have sponsored you twenty cents." Eight dollars. And he will bitch and moan about that eight dollars for decades.
24:31 Speaker 03 But it is a defining moment for me. I realise I don't have to do team sports. School disagrees with me. But I have gone on in adulthood, like you, and I have cycled around the bay in a day. Yes, it did take me 12 hours. And I have trekked the Annapurna trek in Nepal. Yes, I did come in last every day, thanks for asking. But when I did the Peter pub, I beat 36 other people. So if you have a small person in your life who is always picked last, and they come home clutching a swim-a-thon's form,
25:16 Speaker 03 sponsor them at your peril.
25:27 Speaker 00 That was Claire Walder. After growing up in a dusty, small country town, Claire ran away to Melbourne, where she says she became her best self. She works in a library, bicycles, and loves to talk and learn about all different things. In case you're wondering, Claire's dad never made the mistake of sponsoring his tenacious daughter again. She told us it was a rough-and-ready upbringing at times, and it stood me in good stead throughout the years. She was, he says, the best dad for her.
26:02 Speaker 00 Claire's next deep end?
26:04 Speaker 03 My next challenge is working out what I want to do with the next part of my life. I'm volunteering at a food share in a bush care group, and I'm looking forward to seeing what other opportunities I can find. I don't really care if people underestimate me. I know what I'm capable of, and those that know me never doubt me.
26:29 Speaker 00 If you have a story about the time you were thrown into the deep end, or any great story about your life, pitch it to us. You can do that on our website, themoth.org, or call 877-799-MOTH. Again, 877-799-MOTH.
26:53 Speaker 00 You can share these stories or others from the Moth archive. You can buy tickets to Moth storytelling events in your area. You can find out about all of that through our website, themoth.org. There are Moth events year round. You can find a show near you and come out and tell a story.
27:22 Speaker 00 Next up is Mi Chang Nguyen, who told her story at a Moth Grand Slam in Washington DC. Here's Mi Chang, live at the Lincoln Theater.
27:39 Speaker 04 When the pandemic shutdowns happened, my dad had recently passed away. It was sudden, in the middle of a fight with cancer. And my elderly mom was so deep in her grief. She was not accepting any help or support from any of us. I was working from home full-time with two teenage daughters, also stuck inside in a small house with an open floor plan. It was rough. So when the universe offers you a gift, you take it right away, right? And my pandemic gift came in the form of an offer from our dear friends and next-door neighbors. They were going to ride out the pandemic shutdowns at a second home in Tennessee.
28:22 Speaker 04 They wanted to know if I wanted to use their adorable, sunny, cute little laundry room as my home office. There was one catch. They asked if I could watch the lizards. Now, I hate, hate reptiles.
28:41 Speaker 04 It's just been a phobia I've had since a child. It's embarrassing to talk about because it's completely irrational, but it's very intense. And right there, in my sunny pandemic oasis, was a tank with two elderly bearded dragon lizards.
28:57 Speaker 04 And, I mean, I've always been scared of them. They were always frowning and giving me the side eye.
29:06 Speaker 04 I tried feeding them a few times. I wore these huge, like, contracting gloves and used chopsticks so I didn't have to, like, touch anything. And they were so old. They just always looked dead. They weren't breathing, they weren't moving, they just always looked like they were dead. So I'm not gonna lie, those first couple of days in that office were a little rough, okay? Think about it. I'm back there, eight, nine hours a day, three feet from a tank of lizards,
29:29 Speaker 04 and a laptop. I know nothing about reptile health or behavior. So I'm just Googling everything, like, "Why are they turning orange?" Like, "Why is their face coming off?" "Should I help peel their face off?" "Do lizards need lotion?" And then feeding them, feeding them was so hard. They're just so old. Like, the worms would just jump out of their mouth and, like, run away and escape. I'm like, "Do lizards need dentures? Is there insurance for lizards?" Like, why is this so hard?
30:00 Speaker 04 But after a little while, we kind of fell into a rhythm. And I would get there in the morning, think they were dead. And when I jumped on my first Zoom call and started talking, they'd hear my voice, and they'd kind of wake up and start moving around a little bit, which was kind of cute.
30:16 Speaker 04 And then I finally mustered up the courage to just pick them up with my bare hands. And when I did it, I really looked at one of them, and it was just so old and fragile, with this delicate bones and papery skin. And that side eye looked wise, to me, and knowing. And at that moment, I decided I was gonna be the best elderly lizard caregiver ever. Ever.
30:46 Speaker 04 I gave them baths, I took them out in the yard. Their skin and color started to look amazing. I figured out how to feed them. Like, I came up with all these techniques. And every time they successfully chomped alive, warm to death, I would Snapchat it to my family with heart emojis and like, party hands. They were horrified. They were like, completely horrified.
31:11 Speaker 04 I feel like the pandemic, like, I reached a turning point when there was just, I don't know, there was tension in the house, yelling, stress. And I just remember leaving the house, it was night. And the next thing I know, I was having a martini with the lizards.
31:30 Speaker 04 I mean, please think about this for one minute. I was having a drink with Onyx and Jade.
31:38 Speaker 04 And then one week Jade kinda started to slow down. She was getting pale. None of my lizard caregiving tricks were working. And one night, I had been trying to feed her for like, an hour after days of her not eating, and she kinda just put her head down and crashed. So I gently put her back in the tank and the next morning she hadn't moved. And she had died. And my worst elderly caregiving fear had come true again.
32:07 Speaker 04 My poor neighbors. They were consoling me, which is ridiculous, because this was their lizard. They were like, "No, it's okay. You, thank you so much. We really appreciate it. Also, you know, she got a great life. Can you also dig a little hole next to the garage and kinda handle that?"
32:24 Speaker 04 I get it, you know, I get it. It wasn't my fault. I shouldn't feel guilty.
32:30 Speaker 04 And, you know, I need to just accept that dying is a part of living. It's not something to be constantly fought and feared. So the next time I saw my mom... We were all stressing out about her nutrition. Didn't seem like she was eating. And I just decided I was gonna drop it and hang out. And I noticed her feet were looking very neglected. Needed some TLC. So I decided to give her a pedicure. So I put that warm soapy water on her feet and rubbed it. And she kind of perked up. And I massaged lotion into her toes. And she was just so happy. And I held her feet in my hands. And they were just so old and fragile.
33:14 Speaker 04 With delicate bones and papery skin. This is a life that has been very full and lived in those feet. And still living. And in that moment, I just had this moment of total gratitude and understanding. So when I ask myself how I made it through this pandemic, I have to smile inside because I changed. And I love, love lizards.
33:51 Speaker 00 Lee Trang Nguyen is a public interest lawyer living in Washington DC. She tells us she's currently avoiding the news and choosing to embrace and lift up the things that bring her joy. Her daughters and husband, visual art, theater, principal leaders, poetry, friends, and shared meals. Her best ideas and stories come while training for marathons. And you'll find her on the streets and trails of DC working things out with every mile. We asked me during what her current deep end is.
34:21 Speaker 04 I think the deep end I faced during the pandemic is the same fear I face in the future. The loss of people and things I love. Because death is the only certainty in life, I'll keep reminding myself to face loss with courage and gratitude for all that is good in the present moment.
34:41 Speaker 00 She also told us that after this story, she continued to lizard sit whenever needed, including when Onyx died.
34:49 Speaker 04 My neighbor hesitated to ask me to care for her, knowing she was in her final days and how her sister's death had affected me.
34:58 Speaker 05 He trusted his instincts, though, and asked me to care for her anyway, suggesting it might provide a poetic bookend, he said, to my lizard story. He was right, and I'm truly grateful I was with Onyx when she passed, just as I had been with Jade.
35:14 Speaker 00 Finally, she told us.
35:16 Speaker 05 As my mother's health declined and everyone's lives returned to normal, I tried to bring my mom small moments of joy when I was with her.
35:27 Speaker 05 I sought closeness through touch and pedicures, gentle leg massages, and trimming her hair. I learned to cook her favorite Vietnamese dishes. I shared stories of her remarkable life with my daughters. And we took walks together. And I named all the ways she shaped me and the people and places she touched.
35:53 Speaker 00 When we return, a young woman does a trial run before leaving the nest, when The Moth Radio Hour continues.
36:10 Speaker 00 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. This is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jay Allison. Our final story in this show about deep ends comes from Iana Banfield. We met Iana through our education program, which creates space for students to listen, celebrate each other's voices, and tell their own stories. She told this version of her story at our annual gala called The Moth Ball. Here's Iana.
36:45 Speaker 06 I am 17 years old, and I have never been anywhere without my mom. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, because, you know, I still have to go to school and stuff, right? Well, even when I am not with my mom, I am with my mom. I could be hanging out with my friends in an area that has nothing to do with where my mom should be, and when the hangout ends, my friends ask me, "Oh, what train are you taking?" And I'm like, "My mom is in a deli that's about a block away from here, so I'm just gonna meet up with her." And they're like, "Are you serious? How does your mom always manage to know exactly where you are and the exact right time to pick you up?
37:28 Speaker 06 Is she psychic or something?" And I'm like, "Yes, because she has to be. I am her only child, I have around 14 food allergies, I'm a severe asthmatic, and I've had more near-death experiences than the typical human being. So, obviously, if something were to go wrong, my mom needs to violently bolt out of the nearest deli with an EpiPen to come to my rescue." And it's pretty simple. Yet, even when I explained this to my friends numerous times on numerous occasions, they would always follow up with the same irritating warning that soon I'll be going off to college and my mom will be able to hide in a nearby deli on campus to come to my rescue.
38:11 Speaker 06 But, I liked how things were, and I know I would be fine. Plus, there are a lot of delis nearby that my mom can hide in, I'm sure there are. So, I just accepted that my first time being away from my mom would be when I go off to college. However, my guidance counselor decided to test this theory a little early. So, she announced that we would be having an overnight field trip to Washington DC, which is about maybe five, six hours away from New York City, which means that if something were to go wrong, my mom can't pop out of the nearest deli to save me.
38:51 Speaker 06 I was excited. I saw this as a test and a chance to finally prove to everyone that I can be independent. So, I signed up, I packed my bags, and then three weeks later, I was on the road to Washington DC. So, when we first arrived, everything was pretty typical. It just felt like when I would hang out with my friends back in New York. However, I will admit that when the sun started setting, it felt odd because this was a time where I would normally say goodbye to my friends and then go see my mother. But instead, I was not going back to my mother. I was going to a hotel.
39:32 Speaker 06 And when we pulled up to this hotel, it wasn't really giving the warm, friendly, welcoming vibes that a hotel should give. It was very eerie, the paint was peeling off the walls, the hosts were giving us like weird grimacing looks. And like, it looked kind of like if the Addams Family decided to open up a hotel. That's the best way that I could describe it. And my guidance counselor arranged for us all to be on the third floor because that's where the surveillance cameras were, and that's where she would basically keep an eye on us to make sure that we don't step out of line.
40:15 Speaker 06 But, when we got to this third floor, there was this insufferable smell of cigar smoke everywhere that we went. And as I mentioned previously, I have really bad asthma, so I was not having it. And my friends, they did not want to smell cigar smoke while they were trying to go to sleep. So, we told our guidance counselor that we want to be moved to another room. However, the whole entire floor smelled like smoke, and there were no rooms available. So, my guidance counselor trusted us enough to move us to the second floor, which was where all the guests were. And basically, none of the supervisors are going to be there. It was going to be like we were completely on our own.
40:57 Speaker 06 Because our guidance counselor was going to be upstairs, and there were no people around to make sure that we don't step out of line down there. So, my friends and I, we were excited because we felt like we were real grownups. Like, we were the cool teenagers who are gonna be on our own and who could stay up an hour past curfew. So, that's basically what we did. We stayed up an hour past curfew, we threw around more jokes about the hotel, and finally, we got a little bit tired and decided to go to sleep. So, as I was resting my head on the pillow and about to drift to my dreams, one thought came to my mind.
41:41 Speaker 06 I was like, "This independence thing isn't so bad. I don't know what anyone is talking about." And finally, I drifted to sleep. So, a few hours later, I'm in my dreams, you know, I'm vibing, I'm having a good time. And then suddenly, I hear this strange sound. It's like, "Beep." And I'm like, "Hmm, what is that?" Then I smell the familiar scent of smoke. And I'm like, "Wait, what is that?" And so I get up, I'm like, "What's happening, what's happening?" I look around, I see my friends, our hair is all crazy, everyone's all disheveled.
42:24 Speaker 06 I look next to me, and I see that the clock says 5:00 in the morning, and then someone yells, "Fire!" And the first thought that came to my mind was, "Oh my god, I should have never left my mom. I am never leaving my mom again." And then I'm frantically whipping my head around, and I'm like, "Where's the deli? Now would be a great time for my mom to fly out of that deli right now and come to my rescue." But there is no deli, and there is no mom, there's just me and my friends. So, I knew that it was up to me to get out of here. So quickly, I don't waste a single second. I grab my bag, because I know that has my phone, my pump, and basically everything I need.
43:09 Speaker 06 My friends and I take one look at each other, and we just bolt out of the door. And we bolt out of the door, we see that all the smoke rising, it's getting thicker, it's hard to see, and I feel the dread pulling up within me, but I push it down because I'm just trying to focus on getting the heck out of there. So we run down what feels like endless flights of stairs so that we can get to the nearest exit, which leads to lobby, which we were hoping would lead to the actual exit where we would escape the hotel. So, we run to the door, and finally, after taking a few turns, we see it at the end, and we're celebrating, we're like, "Oh my god, we're making it, we're making it!"
43:51 Speaker 06 So we run fast, my friend pushes the door. The door doesn't budge, the door is locked. And I see the smoke rising higher and higher, it's getting harder to breathe, and I look around, there's no other way out, and I know that if, god forbid, we were stuck here, I would be the first one dead because of my asthma, and it just seemed like the world was always plotting against me. So, I knew that I needed to find another way. And then, just then, a light bulb flashed over my head.
44:35 Speaker 06 I remember that earlier, while my friends were exploring the creepy hotel and making fun of it, there was this, there was an exit, like, kind of in the stairwell. It was hidden in some weird creepy corner, I mean, it was like some fire escape, clearly, so it should have been in plain sight, but it happened that way that it was in the corner. So, my, I tell my friends, I'm like, "We have to go there." And so, we're crossing our fingers and praying, and we run to that area, hoping that that will be our way out. And finally, we see it in the corner. My friend runs towards it, she pushes it open.
45:14 Speaker 06 The door opens. The wind brushes our faces. Fresh air graces our lungs. And we're safe. And I look around and I see the familiar faces of my classmates. I see the guidance counselors. Everyone's okay. No one got hurt. And firefighters come and extinguish the fire. Turns out it was some idiot who decided that it was a good idea to bake foil paper in the microwave at 5:00 in the morning or something. I don't know. But as I'm standing there bewildered at the fact that just 10 minutes ago I was fast
45:55 Speaker 06 asleep, I realized that I made it out of that fire. And yes, I was scared and yes, my mom wasn't there, but I took care of myself. I took initiative and I'm alive. So if I could survive a fire in a sketchy motel in Washington DC without my mom, then I could survive just about anything. Thank you.
46:26 Speaker 00 At the time of this recording, Deanna Banfield is currently a rising college junior from Brooklyn, New York. We asked her how college is treating her so far and she said she admitted that she probably cried herself to sleep almost every night during orientation because she couldn't envision being on her own for such a long period of time. But she learned to navigate the campus, handle sticky situations, and says she's grown into an adult who takes initiative.
46:59 Speaker 00 She tells us her next deep end is graduating from college.
47:04 Speaker 06 Being a student has become part of my identity. I don't know a world without this lifestyle. I can't predict what awaits me during this upcoming chapter of my life, what job I'm gonna take on, where my future home will be, and how I'll turn out overall. But I have confidence that even if things might not come to me right away, I'll persevere against whatever obstacles are thrown at me and fulfill my dreams. Adjusting is a part of the journey.
47:32 Speaker 00 That's it for this hour of Deep End Stories. I can tell you what my deep end is these days, mine along with all my colleagues. It's where we find our beloved institution of public broadcasting, which has been thrown into the deep end. Public radio, it must be said, is only partially about politics. It's mainly about education, music, exploring other cultures, history, scientific discovery, really the full humanity of ourselves and our listeners. And it's about story. So no matter what happens, we will keep going, never mind the deep end. We're determined to hold to our ideals. And if that sounds
48:12 Speaker 00 good to you, stick with us. We can use all the company we can get in the deep end. Until next time, that's the story from The Moth.
48:33 Speaker 00 This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison. Co-producer is Vicky Merrick, associate producer Emily Couch. The stories were directed by Jody Powell, with additional grants and coaching by Michelle Jalowski, and education program instruction by Julie and Goldhagen and Shayna Creavy. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Marina Klucze, Sarah Austin Genes, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardinalle, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Patricia Uraina. Special thanks to our friends at Odyssey, including executive producer Leah Reese Dennis. Moth
49:15 Speaker 00 stories are true as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is By the Drift. Other music in this hour from Tall Bird, Phil Cook, Charles Bertue, Ariel Basson, and Bill Frisell. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by Odyssey. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story, and to learn all about The Moth, go to our website, themoth.org.
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