Looking the Part: The Moth Podcast

This episode originally aired on October 8th, 2021. On this episode, we have two stories about looking the part. The episode was hosted by Michelle Jalowski. Storytellers: Jennifer Leahy deals with the death of a patient for the first time. Sivan Schondorf has to fake it until she makes it (to the altar).

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Michelle Jalowski, your host for this week. Whether it's black tie, business casual, or business uniform, occasionally, you have to dress up in order to fit in. But sometimes, it's easier to look the part than it is to play the role. Take it from our first storyteller this week, Jennifer Leahy. Jennifer told this story at a Grand Slam in Boston, where the theme of the night was growing pains. Heads up if you're squeamish, Jennifer's story contains a reference to blood. Here's Jennifer, live at The Moth.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  So, the surgeon has just removed a collection of cholesterol, known as a plaque, from our patient's carotid artery. That's the one that you need in the neck. When it sprays blood all over me, I'm a third-year medical student, and this is by far the coolest thing I have ever seen. I watch in awe as a surgeon manages the bleeding, finishes the surgery, and overall, the patient's fine, and it went well. And I watch as they wheel him out of the operating room, and I start thinking about, God, I'm so hungry. And I go and find something to eat. I am killing it. Not, no, not killing it.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  I'm doing a really good job as a medical student, and I'm rocking the OR, and I know that if they asked me, I would be ready to be a doctor the next day. So it seems only fitting that my dad called me to tell me he's been in the hospital, because the doctors are worried about his heart. I arrive the next day, still in my hospital scrubs, because, you know, they're cool. And my dad beams at me, and my sister rolls her eyes. I stand next to the cardiologist, because, you know, we're on the same team. And... And he pulls a rug out from under me, as he tells me that my dad needs triple bypass heart surgery

• 2:13Speaker 01

  within the next week. As a student, I learn everything I can about a surgery before I go in. I could tell you the way it's done, and I could tell you the one-in-a-million chance of a complication. I learn about the patient, I learn about medical histories, and surgical histories, and allergies. I actually never ask about a family, because, you know, it's not that I don't care, but they're just not useful for me. They're not going to be on the test, and attending's not going to ask me about them, and when I'm in the OR, they're definitely not going to help me out. They're the last thing on my mind. But as my sister and I start thinking about my dad's surgery, I realize we have a different way to prepare. We start thinking about to-do lists, and schedules, and about the recovery period.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  You know, the surgery's just one day, but then I realize it's going to be weeks or months before my dad's back to his usual self. And I realize I never think about recovery. I'm just there for the day of the surgery, maybe like six hours at most, and maybe a quick hi at 4:00 a.m. the next morning, when everyone loves to see a medical student. But otherwise, I could care less. And I realize, oh, gosh, I don't know if we can handle this. And then I have the conversation with my dad that I know is so important to have, but I'm not ready for. And that's, what does he want us to do if something goes wrong? If his heart stops, or he stops breathing? I've done this exercise with myself, with my medical student friends, kind of just as a class exercise, but it feels different when it's in real life. I'm listed as the healthcare proxy, because, you

• 3:42Speaker 01

  know, I'm in the medical field, but I think, oh, my gosh, I hope it doesn't come down to this. And I think, I at least have some medical training, and I feel so overwhelmed. And I wonder what my patients, and my patients' families think about, navigating through this unfamiliar territory. It's the day of the surgery, and my dad, you know, classically, makes us arrive about an hour early, because he doesn't trust us to get on time. And the hospital is that quiet, you know, morning time that I typically love, but I hate right now, because I could really use some noise to distract me. The anesthesiologist comes in, gives my dad something for anxiety, and I think, I could use something for my nerves. And the cardiologist comes in.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  I know how much he needs to get done before this surgery, and he takes the time to talk to my dad, and then he turns and talks to my sister and me. And that's something I've never done, talk to the family before a surgery. And I'm so relieved, and just so grateful for this grace he's shown us. My dad hands us his belongings, we say "I love yous", and then he's wheeled out the door that says "In place only." And I think about all the times I've walked through that door, and how I'm on the wrong side right now. And I really don't like this side. The only things I've looked up about his surgery is like, the short video that shows like, a cartoon heart. And our circulatory system is one big loop. That's really how it is in real life, I swear. And I know roughly how long the surgery is going

• 5:10Speaker 01

  to take, so I know it's going to be a long day, but I am prepared. We go and get breakfast, we start watching a movie, we rearrange all the couches in the waiting room to be aesthetically pleasing. And I realize only 30 minutes have passed. In the OR, four hours can be gone in a blink of an eye. I'm like, oh, that happened. But in the waiting room, you know, one minute can stretch out to be an hour. And I sit, and it's probably the one of the longest days of my life. And a volunteer comes in, and finally, she tells us, everything went okay. Your dad's out of surgery, and there were no complications.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  And a weight I didn't know I had feels suddenly lifted. My sister and I go and see our dad. He's paler than I've ever seen him, but he complains about that, you know, calming chime music that they have in his room. And I chuckle, and it's a sigh of relief, because I know that even though we have a long road ahead of us, he's still him. About two days later, I'm back in the OR, on my surgery rotation, and I'm prepping for an emergency gallbladder removal. I know all about the surgery, I know all about the complications, I know my patient's history, both medical surgery and allergies. And I go with the team to go wheel the patient to the operating room.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  And as we're leaving his room, I hear his wife tearfully say, be careful, he's precious cargo. And I do something I've never done before. I stop. The team goes through the door, and I turn to the wife. I hand her a box of tissues, and I offer her a hug. And I realize that every person that I am so privileged to take care of is somebody's someone, just like my dad was mine. And I tell her, we're going to take really good care of him. And I tell her that, when everything's all done, I'm going to come back and tell her how he did, and make sure she's okay, too. Because I've been in her shoes, and he's precious

• 7:20Speaker 01

  cargo. Thank you.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  That was Jennifer Leahy. Jennifer is a family medicine obstetrical physician just outside of Boston. She is human mom to Zoe, and cat mom to Cunick. On warm Saturdays, you can find them by the ocean, playing in the waves. Well, at least Jennifer and Zoe. The cat stays home. Our next storyteller is Sivan Shandorf. Sivan told this at a story slam in Chicago, where the theme of the night was imposter. Here's Sivan, live at The Moth.

• 8:12Speaker 02

  And I'm wearing flats, and I still tripped.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Got it, got it, got it. Okay, so when I was 25 years old, and living in La La Land, one of my best friends, Mary, called me up and said, do you want to be in a full-page spread in Lucky magazine, wearing wedding dresses? And I was like, hell's yes. I was young, I had just moved across the country from Chicago, and I was excited and looking for adventure, and this seemed like the perfect fit. And so she said, okay, so you have to send a headshot to the casting director, she'll do some details with you, okay, and the only thing is that you actually have to pretend that we're real brides, okay? Bye. And I was like, Mary, I don't think I can do that.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  You know, I'm terrible at lying, and, you know, I don't think that's my thing. And she's like, no, it'll be great, we'll be in the lie together, nobody would care, so let's just do it. And I do believe in safety in numbers, so I thought, okay. Plus, I had been a real bride just the year before, so I thought, okay, you know, maybe I can fake my way through this. So I had a phone conversation with the casting director, a few days before or something, and she went through the details of the day with me, and then she confirmed at the end of the conversation, so you are engaged to be married, right? And I was like, yes, I am, I'll see you there.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  And so, that's when I realized that we were going to be at this bridal shoot with presumably other real brides, and there was going to be probably wedding talk. So, we were going to need wedding dates, we were going to need backstories, we were going to need engagement rings. So, the day before the shoot, I went to Claire's boutique, and I got us a three-pack of wedding rings, and Mary picked the Solitaire, and I picked the Three Stone. And we, the day we went to the bridal shoot, we practiced our stories for each other, and we admired each other's rings, and we were really just giddy and ready for the day. And it was on the famous Robertson Boulevard,

• 10:21Speaker 02

  and we tried on wedding dresses, we had, oh, that's okay, you know, not going to be on the radio, I guess. No, I'm just kidding. And then we had... We had wedding dresses picked out and we had our jewelry and accessories. And then all we had to do was wait in the wedding, in the wedding trailer, in the trailer, to get our hair and makeup done. And that's when I was cornered by the most interrogated, loquacious bride of all. And she proceeded to ask me a lot of questions as I got my hair and makeup done. "So when are you getting married?" "Oh, no dates set, just playing it by ear." "Oh, how come?"

• 11:02Speaker 02

  Well, my fiance, David, is in med school in New York, and so we're long distance, so we're just gonna wait till we're in a more settled state. "Oh, let me see your ring." And I quickly flashed her my ring, realizing, "Do you like my $2 ring? Oh my God, it looks so overly sparkly." And then she proceeded to ask me about, "How did he propose?" And, you see, having been a real bride before, that's when my unresolved issues about having, how this failed engagement started to come up, and I was gonna be frowned out now as a fraudulent bride again. And the thing is, I had a real wedding dress, except it was sitting in a box in my parents' garage in Chicago. And I had had a real engagement ring, except I had given it back to my ex-fiance, whose name was not David, and he was not in med school in New York.

• 11:47Speaker 02

  And I had a real backstory, except my backstory was a lot more heartache and a lot less Hollywood glamour photo shoots. And I started getting red and perspiring, and I thought about how, you know, they say the saying, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." And it's not like my goal was to be married, but it wasn't to be constantly engaged. And I was starting to think, "I was gonna be called, 'Always a bride, never a wife.'" And I was dripping sweat, and my makeup was coming off, and Mary was giving me a "hold it together" look. And that's when they called my name. And I went to get my modeling on. And I have to tell you, I felt very special for the day, as phony as I was, totally fake. And when the magazine came out, I was very proud.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  And yes, people did call my parents and say, "Is Yvonne engaged again?" And they were like, "No, it's fake." And later that month, I met this guy. And partly because I thought it would impress him, and also because it was, you know, preemptive damage control, I told him about the photo shoot and the magazine. And he was like, "Well, can I see it?" And I said, "Yes, but I emphasize, it's totally fake." And so he saw it, and then he noted to me that, you know, at the bottom, it says, "Her own engagement ring." So I didn't know how that played, but apparently, a few weeks later, he was at a friend's house, and the friend's girlfriend had magazines all over the table. And his friend was like, "Well, tell me about this new girl you're dating." And he's like, "Well, hold on a second."

• 13:14Speaker 02

  And he grabbed the magazine, he opened it up to my page, and he showed him. And a couple of years later, I put on my third wedding dress as a bona fide bride. Thank you.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  That was Yvonne Shondorf. Yvonne is a speech pathologist, and her family knows her as a lifelong talker. She advocates for those with the BRCA mutation, who are high risk for breast or ovarian cancer. As a recently turned 40-year-old with three kids, Yvonne was called "a cool mom" by a stranger while dancing on a catamaran tour. She values that stranger's opinion above anyone else's. That's all for this week. From all of us here at The Moth, have a story-worthy week.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  Michelle Jalowski is a producer and director at The Moth, where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world. This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, Julia Purcell, and me, Davey Sumner, with assistance from Jason Richards. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, visit our website, themoth.org.