Looking in the Mirror: The Moth Podcast

On this episode, we’ll hear two stories of people going through big changes - as they literally reflect on themselves. This episode was hosted by Larry Rosen. Storytellers: Phineas Knowles has an eventful first shave. Esther Ngumbi vies to get her ears pierced despite her mother's objections. Podcast #1001

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Welcome to The Moth. I'm Larry Rosen. You may remember that quote from Snow White. That is actually the way I start every morning. Now, in that scene from Snow White, we are introduced to the magic mirror. The magic mirror has been described as "a moral judge, a truth revealer, a projection of the evil queen's inner state." And while that mirror is, of course, a work of fiction, mirrors in real life are often seen the same way, revealing not just the person you actually see,

• 0:45Speaker 00

  but the person who lies underneath. On this episode, we'll hear two stories of people going through big changes as they literally reflect on themselves. Our first story is from Phineas Knowles, who told it at a Burlington Story Slam as the theme was growing. Here's Phineas live at the Moth.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  The day has come for my first shave. I don't really want to maintain a smooth face. I would much rather grow a luscious beard with a curling mustache, like a pirate or dwarf from Lord of the Rings. Yeah. But it takes time to accumulate enough hairs for such a feat. And everyone always tells you that shaving helps stimulate beard growth. So I've been waiting in anticipation to begin this process. And now I have whiskers growing in little patches. The time has come. I already have the supplies, and I'm suddenly nervous.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  To be clear, at this point in time, I'm not a teenager. I'm a 29-year-old transgender man going through puberty a second time thanks to hormone therapy. And because of this, I have never shaved any part of my body before this day. So this is going to be a brand-new experience, and I realize I am not prepared for this. I want some pointers on how to shave properly, but I don't want to refer to the vast knowledge of the internet. Most guys have someone present during their first shave: a father, uncle, grandpa, kind neighbor, some masculine figure to coach

• 2:44Speaker 01

  and encourage them during this rite of passage. I want that connection, but I don't have family close by. So I Skype my older brother, who's in Oregon. He's more than happy to do a demo for me. So he sets up his phone in the bathroom and begins a tutorial. Okay, so with shaving, you want to be careful about the angle and pressure of the razor. Otherwise, you're going to cut yourself "Ow!" like I just did. This is why you want a styptic pencil on hand. Press it to the cut. Stops the bleeding pretty quickly. Now, don't worry about making funny faces to get around the mouth, especially right under your nose. "Ow!" Turns out, my brother

• 3:28Speaker 01

  isn't good at talking and shaving at the same time. He cuts himself several more times, then ends the instruction with "And that's pretty much all there is to it."

• 3:42Speaker 01

  He smirks into the camera, blood dribbling down his cheeks and neck. This is not helping my confidence at all. But my brother says, "Look, you have a Gillette razor, right? That's really good for beginners. Just remember, do it slow, do it gentle. You'll be fine." End call. So now it's my turn. I stand alone in the bathroom, lather up my face with foam, and pick up the razor with a shaky hand. I feel like Bilbo Baggins unsheathing his sword for the first time.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  It's a small blade, but fully capable of damage, right? Right?

• 4:27Speaker 01

  I press the flat head against my cheek and slowly slide it across my skin. Two inches. I rinse off the razor and take another slow stroke. Rinse, slide. Rinse, slide. I become intimately reacquainted with my face. The jawline, which I'm told, looks squarer now. My cheeks, too round and girly for my liking. The lips and sharp curve of the chin that I suspect will remain the same. And my neck, possibly thicker, but it's hard to tell.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  Hormone therapy is changing these features slowly, but not fast enough. I'm tired of seeing this face that lies about who I am, this face that is a source of constant misgendering. I want to look in the mirror and see the grown man that I truly am. But it's a waiting game, just like the beard, one of the hardest ones I'm ever to endure. After 20 slow, methodical minutes, I rinse off my skin. The deed is done, and I'm pleased to see that I managed it without one single cut. Thank you.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  That was Phineas Knowles. Phineas is an editor with Zig Zag Lit Mag who has a deep love for impactful stories. His short stories and poetry have been published internationally and have been nominated for the Pushcart Prize. Phineas enjoys cycling, playing the harp, pub singing, and meeting anyone's pet. We asked Phineas if he had any reflection since telling the story. He said, quote, "I've since graduated from the Gillette razor to using an old-school safety razor with a bowl and brush for lathering soap." After telling this story in 2022, my supposed brother in the story

• 6:41Speaker 00

  came out as my transgender sister. Suddenly, our roles reversed, and I became the brother showing her the ropes. I'm so happy that our close bond enabled us to support each other over the years, especially during milestones in our transitions. I couldn't ask for a better sister, even if her tutorials end with intimidating results.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  After the break, a story about body modification. Back in a moment.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Our next story is a favorite from the archive. Esther Womby told this story for us in a Moth showcase in New York City. Here's Esther, live at the Moth.

• 7:33Speaker 02

  My mother was born in Machakos, Kenya, a region that valued learning, a culture that emphasized to girls that they needed to put education first before everything else, including beauty.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  She pursued her education to the very end. She ultimately graduated with a diploma and became an elementary school teacher. So when she raised and gave birth to us, her five children, she made sure we understood that schooling would always come first.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  But you see, she was raising us in a different region. She was raising us in the Kenyan coast. And in the Kenyan coast region, people appreciated beauty from the tender edge, and they emphasized less on education. In my community, girls were very beautiful, and I mean very beautiful. Their ears were pierced and so was their nose. They put on mascara, and they painted their legs and feet with henna.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  And I admired them day after day. And the more I admired them, the more I felt the need to blend in. I wanted to pierce my ears so badly. So from the age of six to the age of 10, I kept on questioning my mother. I said to her, "Mama, can I have my ears pierced?" And year after year, her answer would never change. "Education first, beauty later," she would say. But you see, teenage years were fast approaching,

• 9:46Speaker 02

  and the need to look beautiful so as to attract the attention of boys was beginning to grow in me.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  And all my friends had their ears pierced, and of course, they had their boyfriends. I did not have none. And I blamed it all on my unaccessorized face. Thanks to my mother. On the weekends, my friends would come to play. And half of our playtime was filled with stories about their first teenage boyfriends. How they were feeling so appreciated by these first loves. And of course, I had none.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  Then one Saturday morning, my friend, Wanasha, and other friends came to play with us. She was wearing her brand-new earrings. They were round with a gold tone and with many sparkling beads. Oh, she looked beautiful. And those earrings were just popping against her beautiful light-skinned color. And I remember Wanasha did not want to play with me as usual. She wanted to tell me something. So she pulled me aside, and she started whispering into my ears, "Oh, I got my first boyfriend. The kiss, ah, this boy is making me feel so loved."

• 11:24Speaker 02

  And on and on she talked. And I remember halfway feeling very angry, angry at my mother. Why wasn't my mother allowing me to look like my friends? And I remember saying, "Enough, enough." I was going to pierce my ears. But you see, I was growing in a village where there is no Walmart or Claire's to go get my ears pierced. So I had to do it the old-school way, which is self-piercing with a needle and a thread. So I start assembling the tools

• 12:09Speaker 02

  that I would need to accomplish this dangerous beauty mission. I go to my parents' bedroom, where the sewing kit is kept. I grab a middle-sized needle, and I grab a thread, a black thread. I also grab a wall mirror that I would put on the wall to make sure that I pierce my ears at the right position. And I decide that the bathroom is the most safest place for me to do, to pierce my ears. So I take my kit and off I go. I lock the door, and I take the needle, and I put the thread, and I put the wall mirror

• 12:51Speaker 02

  so that I could see what I was doing. I start pushing the needle, and I'm feeling pain, but my pain is overshadowed by the beautiful Esther I'm imagining I will look like. Oh, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. After a minute, the needle pierces through my earlob. I tie the thread, and I repeat the process. I push, I start pushing again, and after what seems like eternity, my second ear is done. I take a big sigh and take a minute to appreciate my beautiful me. I also decide that I need to hide my piercings

• 13:36Speaker 02

  away from my mother. So I decide I'm going to wear a hair wrap. But my small brain does not realize this is actually going to make me stand out in front of my mother. But I do it anyway. It's 6:00 PM, and my mother returns from her church event. I go run, I grab her bag, I hug her, and I see her take a glance at my hair wrap, but she says nothing. So I assume we are cool, everything is okay. An hour later, dinner is ready, and I must serve it. I serve it, and I take my seat on the table.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  We all eat peacefully until the last minute, when I'm just about to put the last bite on my mouth. My mother calls my name. I begin to tremble, and I drop the food that I was about to put into my mouth. Is there any reason why you have a headscarf? And before I can blink, she is right behind me. She pulls the hair wrap. And before I can even blink, she slaps me twice. And she proceeds to ask one of my sisters to go get a pair of scissors. And I'm just explaining myself, "Mama, I just wanted to look beautiful." And before I know it, she slaps me again. And before I can blink,

• 15:05Speaker 02

  she takes the scissors and cuts the thread and just yanks them out of my ears. Mama, if you really want and love me, why? Why don't you want me to look beautiful? At this point, she stops punishing me. She wants to talk. She takes a big sigh. She tells me about her girlfriends, who had put beauty first, and what ended up becoming of them. Today, they were mothers with many children and living in abject poverty. She did not want me and my sisters to turn out like her girlfriends. She wanted the best for us.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  As she's talking, a switch is flipping. I'm telling myself I must prove to my mother that I'm not like her girlfriends, that I am empowered and committed enough and self-confident enough to pursue my education and not allow beauty to distract me. Today, I proceed on. I go to elementary school. I finish it. I finish my high school and also go to university. Today, I have a PhD in entomology.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  And I also have four sets of ear piercings.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  And my nose is pierced, too. And I share a beautiful relationship with my mother. Thank you.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  That was Esther Ngumbi. Dr. Ngumbi is an entomologist and academic who is currently an assistant professor of entomology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. That brings us to the end of our episode. Thank you to our storytellers for sharing with us and to you for listening. Maya Antalou once wrote, "The mirror is a silent observer, reflecting the true emotions we often hide from the world." We hope that when you look in your mirror, you see something beautiful.

• 17:34Speaker 03

  Larry Rosen is a master instructor at The Moth. After 25 years teaching, directing, and practicing theater and comedy performance, Larry discovered the simplicity, power, and beauty of true stories. Shortly thereafter, he found The Moth. As they say, timing is everything. Esther Ngumbi's story was directed by Larry Rosen. This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Sollinger. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Gina Duncan, Marina Kluchay, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardinalle, Caledonia Cairns, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, and Patricia Uranya. The Moth Podcast is presented by Odyssey.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Special thanks to their executive producer, Leah Reese Dennis. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.