Facing Off and Facing Up: The Moth Radio Hour

The Episode originally aired on August 16th, 2022. In this episode, five storytellers work up the courage to face and battle fear and doubt. This episode is hosted by Moth Producer and Director Jodi Powell. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by The Moth and Jay Allison of Atlantic Public Media. Storytellers: Harjas Singh seeks the answer to a haunting question. Antoinette-Marie Williams inherits her family's love of games and shows up on the world stage. Rachel Cain worries she may have taken things too far. Eddy Laughter discovers parts of her identity in an unlikely location. Michael Donovan runs into a "small" problem on the job. Podcast # 778

• 0:13Speaker 00

  This is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jodi Powell. In this hour, stories of confrontation. Growing up in Jamaica, I was so used to hearing the shouts when a fight was on in the schoolyard. I would often find myself standing at the edge peering in. And one day, I got caught in the rumble with a classmate. And this time, it was me in the center, fighting. I desperately needed to get out, but I quickly realized the only way out was to go fully in. And so I fought back, and the schoolyard sounds enveloped us. And before I knew it, it was over. But I was terrified, because now I had to go to the vice principal and face what I had just done.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  I got two-day suspension and more chores for my grandmother than you can count. A confrontation isn't always like a schoolyard fight. It can mean asking yourself hard questions, understanding and sticking to boundaries, rolling up in a space that is not meant for you and owning it. It can mean finding courage. That was true for our first storyteller, Harjas Singh, who told this at a main stage in New Bedford, Massachusetts, where we partnered with the Zeitarian Performing Arts Center. Here's Harjas, live at The Moth.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Ever since I was three years old, and my hair was long enough to be tied into a bun or a judah, my mom and I had developed our daily ritual. I would sit down in front of her, my back towards her, and she would oil my hair, comb it, braid it, then tie it into a bun. She would then cover it with a one-foot-by-one-foot square cloth called a patka.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  But there was another daily ritual that I would observe every morning. I would be sitting at the breakfast table and I would see my grandfather, an older bearded Dumbledore-esque gentleman and with a bun on his head. And he would, he would take this really long piece of cloth, let's say the length of the stage, and he would hold one end of it. My father would hold the other end. And they would roll it from either side until it looked like a long pipe. He would then take it to his room and he would walk out. And there would be this beautiful turban sitting on top of his head. And to me, it looked like a king wearing a crown. He almost had an aura about him. And I would ask him, "When can I wear that?"

• 2:42Speaker 01

  And he would say, "When you're older, when you're more responsible." I had no idea what that meant. I was three.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  But all I wanted to do from that day on was be older and more responsible. So when I woke up on the morning of my 13th birthday, I was bursting with energy because today was finally the day. Today, I would transition from boy to man and it would be marked by my very own turban tying ceremony. See, the turban tying ceremony is not too dissimilar from a bar mitzvah or a more religious sweet 16. But, but instead of reading from the Torah, we read from the Sikh holy book, the Guru Granth Sahib. But more importantly for me, my grandfather would switch out my patka with a 16-foot-long dastar or turban.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  So I shower quickly that morning. I put on my favorite Bugs Bunny sweater and, and I make my way outside and I see my grandparents and I touch their feet to seek their blessings. My parents, they're so happy on this day because for them, with the turban on my head, I would be fully accepting my identity as a Sikh, that I live an honest life, I give back to society, and I remember God. And I was really, really excited, but it had also been a little while since I was three years old and I had seen some stuff. Before the ceremony started, I thought back to my first day at Saint Xavier's School. I was five years old and I would be attending the same school that my father had attended when he was a child.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  And I was so proud and I almost felt like I had bragging rights, like, you know, kids who go to Harvard and say, "Oh, my parents went to Harvard." And my mom and I went through our daily ritual, like we did every morning. She oiled my hair, combed it, braided it, tied it into a bun, covered it with a patka. I put on my school uniform, my navy blue shorts, sky blue shirt and tie. And my grandfather dropped me off at the bus stop, me riding behind him on his LML Vespa scooter. And as a kid who'd grown up in a sick family and in a sick neighborhood, I thought everyone is supposed to have a bun on their head, or wear a patka, or have a turban.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  So it was to my surprise when I get to the bus stop and none of these kids looked like me. No one is wearing a patka, no one has a bun on their head. But these kids keep looking at me funny. For all they could care, I must have looked like Shrek to them. But instead of being ugly and green and an ogre, I was ugly and had this thing on my head, this turban. So after my grandfather had left, some of these kids started circling around me like vultures. One of them came close to me and said, "Hey, what's that, what's that thing on your head? Is that, is that an egg?" And another kid said, "No dude, that's a tomato."

• 5:47Speaker 01

  And then another kid said, "So you put a tomato on your head every morning and then you cover it with a piece of cloth?" Ew! Five-year-olds can be pricks.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  And then, out of nowhere, one of these kids comes and smacks my forehead, trying to squash that tomato.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Pride turns to shame. And shame turns to fear. And it's the first time I realize in my life that I could be hurt for no other reason than how I look.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  I go back to the bus stop every morning and this game continues. And I suffer this day after day and I don't tell anyone until one day it becomes too much. I go back home crying to my mom and I ask her, "Why do I look like this?" My mom's first reaction, she rolls up her sleeves and says, "Who are these damn kids? And what are your teachers doing, not protecting you?" And then she calms down and looks at me crying, wipes my tears, gives me a hug and she says, "Beta, my son, we are six. The turban is a part of our identity. It's a gift given to us by our gurus.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  And who are you to try and blend in when you were born to stand out?"

• 7:24Speaker 01

  Easier said than done for a kid who's just trying to fit in with his friends.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  But things only got worse after 9/11. It was almost as if an anti-turban rhetoric had taken hold of the world and it didn't leave my small town of Ranchi in India. This game of whack-a-mole that started at the bus stop continued for the next couple of years. And the more I would tell these kids not to touch my pataka, the more they would want to do it. So one day I was at school and this kid tried to touch my pataka and my jura and tried to like rip it off. And I told him, "No, don't touch it." And he said, "Why? Are you hiding a bomb underneath there?"

• 8:05Speaker 01

  I felt hurt, confused, disturbed, angry. Why had this kid called me a terrorist when I wasn't one? I went home crying to my grandfather. He was sitting in his reading chair in his room. And I asked him, "Why do I look like this? Why do I need to wear a turban?" And he gave me a little bit of a history lesson. He said, "When Sikhism started in India five centuries ago, India was ruled by kings. And turbans were a symbol of royalty. Only kings and noblemen could wear them. And these kings weren't necessarily kind. They would put people to death for no other reason

• 8:48Speaker 01

  than practicing a religion the king didn't approve of. So the Sikh gurus had instituted the turban as a symbol of equality, as a symbol of standing up against the injustices of these kings." This was the first time I had questioned my religious identity and received an answer I thought I understood. But even though I theoretically understood why I should be wearing the turban, the world outside kept giving me reasons not to. So back at the ceremony, as excited as I was about putting this turban on my head, I was also conflicted with all these memories of being treated like I was an outsider. The entire family then started the ceremony.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  We moved to the prayer room in our house, where the Guru Granth Sahib sat atop a palki or a pedestal. My father took his place behind the palki while we sat around on the floor as he read verses from the Anand Sahib, the prayer of happiness and bliss. Then, from a crumpled, purple, plastic bag, my grandfather took out this beautiful, red and golden polka dot a turban. It had been custom-made for me, just like all the turbans had been made for my father and my grandfather before me. My grandfather held one end of the turban. I held the other. And we rolled it from either side until it looked like a long pipe. I knelt down in front of the Guru Granth Sahib, clutching one end of the turban in my mouth.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  And my grandfather put down layer after layer of this turban over my head. And with each layer that he put down, the weight of the turban started to feel more real. And I realized that it wasn't just the weight of the turban. It was the weight of history on my shoulders. It was a weight of expectations that I wasn't sure if I was ready to carry just yet. When the ceremony was over, I bent down to touch my grandparents and my parents' feet to seek their blessings. I then went into my room, stood in front of the mirror, and looked at myself with this turban on my head and I thought,

• 11:02Speaker 01

  "I look weird." I now was looking at myself like those kids had looked at me at the bus stop, like I was Shrek. And I realized, I'd started a question in that moment, that there were other kids who I had grown up with, other sick kids, but instead of wearing turbans now, they would wear baseball caps. Instead of keeping their hair and their buns, they would now shave their hair off. And I would wonder, is it worth continuing to fight for your right to just exist, instead of just trying to blend in? I realized after the ceremony

• 11:46Speaker 01

  that the turban had been given to me, it wasn't something I had accepted. My grandfather had tied the turban on me, but it wasn't my turban. It almost felt like an organ my body was rejecting. But I also wanted to be proud of my religion and my culture, just like my father and my grandfather were. So over the next few years, I tied the turban off and on, mostly on special occasions like friends' birthdays or family events, because those felt like safe moments where I could put the turban on and become comfortable with its weight. And every time I tied the turban by myself, the weight of the turban started to feel lighter,

• 12:27Speaker 01

  as if the turban itself was evolving to fit with my head, becoming one with me. So on the morning of my high school graduation, I woke up and I went through my morning ritual again. I oiled my hair, combed it, braided it, tied it into a bun. I put on my school uniform, my navy blue pants, sky blue shirt and tie. But instead of choosing to wear the pataka like I had for so many years before this, I chose to wear my turban on this day. I decided I was done feeling afraid of who I was, and I wanted to be proud in who I am. I rolled the turban from either side into a long pipe. I carefully put down layer after layer of the turban over my head.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  And when I was done tying, I stood in front of the mirror again, and I asked myself, "Why do I look like this? Why can't I just blend in?" But this time, the answer came from within. Why try to blend in when you were born to stand out? Thank you.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  That was Harjas Singh, who is now more confident in his identity, which gives him the strength to be an active representative of the Sikh community after 11 years of being in the US. He is now a software engineer, but also a storyteller, and thinks he inherited storytelling from his grandfather. He still gets the occasional stare from someone who's never seen a man with a turban before, but oftentimes, his turban is a great conversation starter. He'll happily discuss religion with complete strangers anytime.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  In a moment, we hear from a backgammon champion, and a mother introduces her kids to the movie Home Alone, and they come up with a plot of their own. That's when the Moth Radio Hour continues.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability, and it all starts with a great deal from your local Toyota dealer. Make a smart buy on an all-wheel-drive Camry, Corolla Cross, or get a Corolla sedan, packed with the latest features, advanced tech, and head-turning style. Take a test drive in two of Toyota's most popular SUVs, the spacious, family-friendly Gran Highlander and adventure-ready RAV4. And with so many hybrid and plug-in hybrid models available across the lineup, plus efficient all-electrics like the BZ, BZ Woodland, and all-wheel-drive CHR, you can drive your way and skip the pump. And long after you leave the lot, your Toyota keeps delivering with legendary resale value, built on a reputation for quality and reliability. So when it's time for your next Toyota,

• 15:32Speaker 03

  you could trade in for more. From a great deal today to a great value tomorrow, a Toyota is right for you. Shop toyota.com for deals and details, or stop by your local Toyota dealer today. Toyota, let's go places. Today's episode is brought to you by Vinted. We've all got that designated chair or corner in the bedroom piled high with clothes we keep telling ourselves we'll definitely wear, but never actually do. My pile has reached critical mass, and it's past time for decisive action. Declutter or bust. Thankfully, I just learned about Vinted, a second-hand marketplace app that makes it easy to give your pre-loved fashion a second life and earn some extra cash in the process. Snapping photos and listing my pieces on Vinted can fit right into my afternoon

• 16:16Speaker 03

  routine without any hassle. The whole process is simple. Once an item sells, Vinted creates the prepaid shipping label for you, taking all the headache out of shipping things out. And there are no seller fees, so every bit of profit goes straight into your bank account instead of being eaten up by hidden costs. You can refresh your wardrobe and make room in your closet at the same time, an all-around win. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep everything you earn.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  This is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jodie Powell. Our next story comes from Antoinette Marie Williams. She told it from her motorized scooter that she calls her Ferrari, and she calls herself Handicapable. Live from our Harlem main stage at City College's Aaron Davis Hall, here's Antoinette Marie.

• 17:14Speaker 04

  As far back as I can remember, Rachel and Henry Williams played cards. At 10, I listened to the laughter and teasing around the card table. My dad invited me to play. He needed a partner. He taught me the rules of the game, how to win, and he also taught me how to hold the cards in my small hands to play bidwist, pinochle, and cutthroat pinochle.

• 17:55Speaker 04

  They lit up the room with passion and confidence, and it rubbed off on me. I learned to play backgammon from my friend Terry almost 50 years ago, probably longer than most of you have been on the planet. Backgammon is a board game that's been around probably longer than and found in Tutankhamun's coffin. The game is played with 15 checkers and dice for each player. Each player rolls the dice and moves their checkers around the board

• 18:36Speaker 04

  according to the numbers on the dice. You win the game by getting your checkers to your home board and getting your checkers off before your opponent. I loved backgammon. I was dying to play. I was hungry to play this game.

• 18:57Speaker 04

  I found Chess City, a few blocks away from my apartment. They played bridge, chess, and backgammon there. Only a few women were in the game of bridge. I found a group of men playing over in the corner, four Bulgarians and one Haitian. They were arguing, mostly in Bulgarian, about the plays to make. They made some of the worst plays I had ever seen. They were really bad. After watching for several days, Figgy, one of the Bulgarians, invited me to play.

• 19:36Speaker 04

  Had he read my mind, Jesus, he invited me into this game, I was so excited. That evening, I walked home with more duckets than I came with. It was truly reassuring and exciting to play with them. We played several days a week, and I walked away generally with more money in my pocket. Sometimes I lost, and my motto, "It's just an investment," kept them coming back, putting more money in my pockets.

• 20:18Speaker 04

  After, after playing with them for a while, I heard about Monte Carlo. Monte Carlo has the largest world backgammon championship in the world. I always thought that this Mediterranean Wonderland tournament was out of my reach, too expensive. I did some research. "Monte Carlo, here I come." It was a week-long tournament in July, and I went. There were over 200 people in the intermediate division, very few women, but I was there representing the sisterhood.

• 21:00Speaker 04

  When I walked into the room, I heard the melodious tune of "The Shaking of the Dice." It was music to my ears. Most of the men there, male opponents, underestimated me. They thought that I was a mere dilettante in the game, but I was going there to prove that I was a winner, that I could beat them.

• 21:24Speaker 04

  Day one, Pierre walked in. Tall, dark, mustache, and handsome. Fine by my definition. He sat down to play. Pierre had no chance. I rolled like Wanda possessed and beat him 13-0.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  He walked away graciously but disheveled.

• 21:54Speaker 04

  I strutted to the scorekeeper's desk to claim my win. Throughout the rest of the week, I played all male competitors, and I beat them all. Undefeated, undefeated, I won the intermediate division of the Monte Carlo World Back AM Tournament.

• 22:26Speaker 04

  I won a trip to Spain to use a car at the timeshare, a $1,200 German back AM set, and a trophy, and the recognition of my peers at this tournament. I had made it. After playing some more tournaments, winning and losing, there was this tournament in San Antonio in 2017. I was the only black female and the first woman to ever be in the finals of this tournament. But not only was I the first woman, there was another woman. She and I were in the finals, both from the Big Apple.

• 23:09Speaker 04

  We sat down to play, and Leila was beating me 8-5 in an 11-point match. I took a break from the defeat. I rolled to the bathroom on my Ferrari.

• 23:26Speaker 04

  And I got to the sink and I splashed cold water on my face. And I heard my father's voice, "Play every game like it's your first." I talked to myself in the mirror, "God damn it, Antoinette, you can't let her beat you. Second place is not an option." I rolled back to the table, people are standing on chairs encouraging, thumbs up, smiling at me, rooting for me. The score was 8-5. We started to play. I rolled. I got to the best part of my game. I turned the cube. Leila passed. The score is now 8-6.

• 24:11Speaker 04

  We play on. I get into a good position again. I doubled the cube. Leila passes. It's now 8-7. My inner voice is saying, "Antoinette, go with it. You've got it going on, girl. Move, move." We start the next game. I put one of Leila's checkers on the bar. She has to come into my home board. She can't come in. My board is closed. I'm rolling to take my checkers off. I'm shake, shake, shaking vigorously. I'm nervous. My heart is pounding. I think everyone in the building hears me. I'm shaking the dice.

• 24:56Speaker 04

  Leila can't come in. I'm finally taking off all my checkers. Leila still is on the bar. Oh my God, I'm winning this game. I'm winning this tournament. Before I know it, I've won four points. Not only did I win, I backam at her. I won six points. I won the San Antonio Tournament. The first woman, the first black woman to win this tournament and the prizes. I am so happy. People are surrounding me with joy and thanking me, giving me congratulations.

• 25:37Speaker 04

  That same year, I won third place in the American Backamateur. The first woman to ever win in that division as well. A black woman in this game, representing other women.

• 25:53Speaker 04

  Finally, I got a phone call that said that I was nominated for the Backgammon Hall of Fame. I've been recognized by my peers.

• 26:12Speaker 04

  I'm so happy to be recognized by my Backgammon peers.

• 26:17Speaker 04

  I love the game as much as I did in 1973 when I first learned. And I'm proud that there are other women joining in this male-dominated game.

• 26:31Speaker 04

  I remember what my father taught me. I still take risks and I still play every game like it was my first. Thank you.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  Antoinette Marie Williams is an exuberant advocate, an educator, and a world traveler. At 75, she's still playing, and she gives free Backgammon lessons to adults and teens outdoors in the park in Harlem or on Zoom. And according to Antoinette, she doesn't plan to slow down anytime soon.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  To see photos of Antoinette, please visit themoth.org.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Our next story comes from Rachel Kane, who told this on the Ann Arbor Story Slam stage with our media partners, Michigan Radio. Here's Rachel.

• 27:36Speaker 05

  All right, so my mom died when I was nine years old. And 10 years later, I was getting married and having babies of my own. And when I put it like that, it's like, oh, my God, that was way too young. But yes. And I found myself at this age feeling completely lost. I didn't have a mom. I was a mom, and I was constantly questioning if I was a good mom and if I was going to do this right. And I cared, I cared a lot and I had a lot of really grand ideas that have gone down a lot since then. But, um, at the time, I really dreamed of sharing like the highest forms of art

• 28:19Speaker 05

  and music and, you know, literature with my children. I fantasized that they'd be reading Shakespeare at five. No, um, it's a lot of Pokemon, it's not good. But I had these fantasies and, um, and one day, uh, in an effort to, you know, get started on this, I brought home a really great classic art house film, um, to share with my two children, four and five years old. You guys might have heard of it, it's called Home Alone. It's great, it's one of the best. So, I brought this home, my kids watched it, they loved it. And it turned out to be a real bad movie to show them. Because the next day, they got real mad at me.

• 29:03Speaker 05

  I had made cookies and I had told them, I'm a real bitch here. I had told them, "You have to wait till they cool before you can have them." And they lost their goddamn minds. I mean, just lost it. They stormed out of the room. They slammed themselves against the wall on the other side of the wall where I was folding clothes. And they plotted their revenge. And they were at this perfect age where they, they didn't realize this complicated scientific theory that noise travels. And they were also really horrible at whispering. And so I heard everything. And everything was they were gonna murder me.

• 29:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, like full-on Macaulay Culkin murder me. And so I'm sitting there and I have this dilemma, right? Do I, do I get up? Do I walk over there? Do I kneel down? Do I tell them softly, "That's not how we handle our big feelings." "We don't do it like that, we, you know, we talk it out and whatever." Or do I listen to the other guy on his shoulder? And do I just like, go with it and see what happens?

• 30:12Speaker 05

  I listen to him. So, I wait for them to get this all set and they had an Easter basket that, mind you, I had lovingly filled like months before. But, uh, they took that Easter basket and they filled it with stuffed animals and they tied a rope to it. And they swung it over the banister of our stairs. And, um, their plan was to do that every time I walked by, right, until they got me.

• 30:36Speaker 05

  And so I walked past. I walked past the first time and they missed, which does not surprise me. My son plays basketball now and he's not good.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  But they missed. I walked back again and they missed again. I did that eight fucking times. Until finally it hit my shoulder. And that was it. I couldn't do it again. So that was it. That was the one, right? So I just swung back. Now, I'm an English teacher, so I've got some Shakespeare in me. So like it was full on death scene, right? And I'm like clutching my heart inexplicably. They didn't hit my heart, but like, oh, oh my God. And I lean against the wall and I sink down because I can't do squats very well. So I had to like.

• 31:17Speaker 05

  And I sink down and I fall over and that's it. I'm dead. I'm dead. And there's silence. Just silence.

• 31:27Speaker 05

  And then my five-year-old starts wailing. Like he just starts running down the stairs, tumbling over himself. I mean, just weeping. He prostrates himself over my corpse.

• 31:42Speaker 05

  And I have this moment where I'm like, I might have like taken this too far.

• 31:48Speaker 05

  But I was working so hard to hold in the laughter that that went away really fast. And, and I'm there and I'm dead and he's wailing. And then my younger four-year-old comes down and there's not a tear to be seen. He's just full on like, oh yeah, we fucking did this.

• 32:08Speaker 05

  And I'm there, you know, peeking out of the slits of my eyes because they're stupid and they don't know that I can see them. And.

• 32:17Speaker 05

  And I'm wondering if I am like in trouble. Do I need to find a counselor? I mean, four-year-olds are notoriously awful human beings. Anyways, but this feels like extra awful. Like there's no remorse. And I'm wondering if it's over for me. Like this is it. We've got a psychopath. It's bad. And then. My four-year-old leans down to my weeping five-year-old and he like strokes his cheek and wipes the tears away and just pulls his little chin up. And he says, don't cry, brother.

• 32:50Speaker 05

  The cookies are free now.

• 32:58Speaker 05

  And that's the moment when I knew I'm doing this parenting thing okay.

• 33:10Speaker 00

  By day, Rachel Kane says she's a serious bespectacled public media employee. By night, she's a slightly less serious bewigged content creator on TikTok. Though those once mischievous preschoolers are now mischievous preteens, Rachel is happy to report they have never tried to murder her again. Well, not intentionally at least. They may still give her a heart attack, though. To see pictures of Rachel and her family, please visit themoth.org and go to Extras.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  Coming up, a seventh grader on a life-changing school trip, and an unexpected face-off with a wild cat. That's when The Moth Radio Hour continues.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  You're listening to The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jodi Powell. Our next story is from Eddie Laughter, who shared it at a Moth community engagement program showcase in Brooklyn. The evening was presented by our friends at the Kate Spade New York Foundation. Here's Eddie, live at The Moth.

• 34:37Speaker 06

  I grew up going to a Quaker school, and I was one of the only three actually Quaker kids there. My dad was Quaker, so is Quaker still. And I thought that made me an expert. Whenever it came up in class, I was like, pfft, interlight, I know all about that. I've just gotcha. And I was in like, 4th grade, by the way. And I was going to Quaker meeting for worship every Sunday because my dad wanted me to. Just kind of sit downstairs and doodle while our parents were in worship. And that was, that was just what would happen on Sundays. And my mom is all, my mom is Jewish. And I, my connection to that side of my family is even foggy and more distant.

• 35:19Speaker 06

  I would just visit my family for the holidays and get really confused about how I knew everybody. And then I would come back and then go, go to school the next day. And weirdly, a lot of kids at my Quaker meeting were also this combination of Quaker and Jewish. And we like to call ourselves Quakerish.

• 35:37Speaker 06

  And that was the extent of our analysis of that.

• 35:42Speaker 06

  And if I'm being totally honest, all I wanted to do was, when I, when I was little, was pretend to be a dragon with my friends. So, religion is not pretending to be a dragon, so it was thus not high on my list of priorities then. But as I got older, it eventually was no longer cool to pretend to be a dragon. And it wasn't cool to really talk about religion either. I got into middle school and got, everything got more awkward and I got less friends. And I got really distant from religion. I stopped going to Quaker meeting on Sunday because no one was really making me. And so I like talked about it less. My Quakers and facts weren't fun or like cool things to tell people. But I could never really get out of going to the Jewish holidays. They happened so infrequently that I had to be there and I didn't see my cousins very often.

• 36:26Speaker 06

  So it was important that I went, but I got that it was important for my mom. I didn't get how it was important to me. I never really saw myself there. I felt weird and complicated and I just felt so awkward all the time that I didn't understand what it had to do with me specifically. And in seventh grade, my, my school took a field trip to a Holocaust exhibit in a Jewish cultural center in Manhattan. And I had learned about the Holocaust. We were learning about it in history class and we were learning about World, um, World War II and Germany in the 30s and 40s. And it was something that happened in the past, so this was a field trip. We, and it was just a time to not be in class.

• 37:06Speaker 06

  So, we were in seventh grade and we entered the museum in a sort of rambunctious fashion because it's seventh grade and that's just what kind of happens. And it, the museum goes and chronological order through timelines. So we're in the beginning part and we're, me and my two friends are just sort of like walking around and sort of like making fun of propaganda. And then the museum takes a hold on us as it is designed to do and my friends go elsewhere and I'm by myself. And the floor of the museum is carpeted, so it kind of eats away at footsteps, so you can't really hear anyone else around you. And I'm by myself and I'm walking and I turn to my left and I see this long hallway and at the end of the hallway is this wall that looks like it's made out of a bunch of small tiles.

• 37:51Speaker 06

  And I get closer and realize that they're not tiles, but they're actually very, very small portraits of, like photographs of people who entered and died in Auschwitz. And there are so many of them, they go all the way down this hallway, they turn the corner and there are these pillars in the museum, just architecturally, and they wrap around. And I'm overcome with this, this wave of like this urge to make eye contact with each and every one of the pictures. And I feel like I need to give them the space that I owe them and like take my time and try to give all of my attention to them. And I physically cannot do that, but I'm trying my hardest in this sort of like frantic fashion of making eye contact with everyone.

• 38:36Speaker 06

  And the pictures start to feel different. All of a sudden, they feel like a mirror and I see parts of my own face there. I see my nose and my eyes, something about my bone structure and my hair. And it's overwhelming and it's terrifying. My mom would talk about feeling like she looked really Jewish in certain places when there weren't a lot of other Jewish people around. I never knew what that meant and then all of a sudden it makes sense, it clicks, it clicks in a crushing way. And I was someone who was very familiar with the concept of loneliness. I was, I felt really isolated at school, in middle school, and I was really, when

• 39:18Speaker 06

  I would walk down a hallway, it felt like I was lonely to the point where it felt corrosive in my body. But this loneliness that I feel in this museum is not like anything I had experienced before. It's like the museum had singled out me and like left me somewhere stranded and I was like almost in free fall. And...

• 39:37Speaker 06

  It was so much that when I eventually left the exhibit, all I wanted to do was find someone to talk about this with. And so I'm going up to people in my class and trying to relay the information that this museum is apparently about me specifically. And my classmates don't really seem to get how shocking this feels. I feel like I'm crushed and everyone just sort of takes it like a, "Yeah, Eddie." And this is the reaction I get from my non-Jewish classmates and also from my Jewish classmates. Someone just sort of gives me a "yikes" face, which doesn't help at all. And we eventually leave the museum and find our way to a playground, because that's kind of like where field trips always lead. And people are running around and playing tag,

• 40:22Speaker 06

  and I can't get myself to do that. I'm sitting on this bench and this feeling that I've found in the museum is kind of like sticky and it feels like I can't leave the museum. And I'm sitting there with my friend, talking to me about TV shows that I don't want to talk about, watching everybody else play tag. And I feel so angry that they're able to play tag and I can't, because that was all I would have wanted to do in a normal school day. But I'm sitting there and with this feeling that I've found this whole new piece of who I am in that museum, and I have to like hold on to it and somehow fit it into my perception of who I thought I was, which is so hard. It was like my, someone, it was like suddenly my whole face meant something different than what I thought it did.

• 41:07Speaker 06

  And like, how do you deal with that when you're 13 and all you do is think about the way your face looks in comparison to other people? And I've just sat with that piece for a really long time and I've felt it grow into myself and I've, or maybe I've grown into it. And I found other people to talk to this about. And with my half-Jewish friends, we talk about how we exist in this sort of like limbo space of maybe we're not necessarily practicing, but it's still very much in our lives. And everybody who I talk to has like their own sort of like definition of what it means to them. And somewhere along this journey, I realized that I really like Going to all the family gatherings and I get upset when I miss them. I was sick for Rosh Hashanah one year and I was just like, "How am I going to have a sweet New Year?"

• 41:51Speaker 06

  I was distraught. But there's a lot of comfort and connection in those gatherings. Sometimes it feels like Judaism is a part of my body in that very physical way that I got in that museum. And at the same time, I have recently, after taking a very long break from it, I've recently become a member of my Quaker meeting. And I'm finding that Quakerism is its own piece that's separate from Judaism in my life, but they can go, they can both be there together and they can both exist and they don't negate each other, they're just both there. And I don't just have that afternoon in a playground to figure it out. I can sit with them for however long I need and I can ponder my spirituality, what being Quakerish means, and the fact that I have a heritage. Thank you.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  Originally from Brooklyn, New York, Eddie Laughter is attending Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts, where she is studying different forms of storytelling, wandering aimlessly, and over-analyzing monster movies.

• 43:01Speaker 00

  Our final storyteller is Michael Donovan, who told this at a story slam in New York City, where WNYC is a media partner of The Moth. Here's Michael, live from the Bell House in Brooklyn.

• 43:19Speaker 07

  All right. I was a firefighter in New York City for, uh, thank you. And like many firefighters, most of us, we all had second jobs. And my second job was, I was a carpenter. I worked as a carpenter. And a couple of the other guys in my firehouse, they were also carpenters, and so we would all get jobs and if they needed help, they would call me. And my friend Kirk called me and he goes, "Mike, I got a great job for us. We're gonna be doing hardwood floors on the Upper East Side of Manhattan in my friend Brent's building."

• 43:52Speaker 07

  Brent was a pharmacist. And, you know, when you think of a pharmacist, you think of a gray-haired with the glasses looking over the top of his glasses. Brent had a ponytail, he had tattoos, he had a wife Shannon who liked to go to the strip clubs and bring back another story for another night.

• 44:14Speaker 07

  But anyway, Brent was a little different from your normal pharmacist. And he owned the building that his pharmacy was in. Pharmacy was on the first floor, apartment's on the second floor, and Brent had the entire third floor. Small building, but he had the whole third floor. And so we called Brent and we were discussing the job, and he was explaining the apartment to us. The apartment was one big open area. Kitchen in the back, dining room next to it, living room. And then in the front was his bedroom. And the bedroom had French doors, glass French doors. And that's where his bedroom was. And we discussed price and what we were gonna do.

• 44:56Speaker 07

  And Brent said to us, he goes, "There's one little problem." And we said, "Well, what's the problem?" He goes, "I have a cat." I was like, "I like cats, Kirk likes cats, it should be fine." "No, you don't understand. I have a wild jungle cat as a pet."

• 45:19Speaker 07

  And we were, "What, like you have a tiger in your apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan?" He's, "No, no, no, not like a tiger. It's more like a cheetah or a jaguar."

• 45:33Speaker 07

  And we were like, "It's called a seval." And we had never heard of a seval. And he assured us, he goes, "When my wife Shannon is home, the cat is like a domesticated kitty cat. But when she's not home, the shit's on, anything."

• 45:54Speaker 07

  So... But you really don't need to worry because Brent likes to watch TV late, and then he sleeps late, so you're probably not gonna see him. And we'll keep him in the bedroom, which he called the cat's lair. And the cat's name was Slash. So he'd say... The cat will be in... Slash will be in his lair. And he'll pace back and forth. He doesn't get up till about 11 or 11:30, so you're probably not gonna see him. So... Alright, alright. We're just there to do the floors. So the first day comes... The first day comes... And... And we're bringing... We have to bring all our tools up to the third floor.

• 46:39Speaker 07

  So we block open the door to Second Avenue. It was right on Second Avenue of the apartment. We block open the door. We block open the door to the apartment, and we're carrying... We're carrying the tools up, we're bringing them in. And we start working. Working on the floor. And sure enough, about 11 o'clock, Kirk gives me a little, "Mike, Mike, look." Oh, one other thing I forgot to tell you is, Brent warned us, he said, "Whatever you do with the cat..." And the cat did look like a... It did look like a cheetah. You know, with the spots. But the head was small, it was called a seval. He goes, "The one thing you have to make sure you don't do, don't make contact with the cat... uh, eye contact with the cat."

• 47:24Speaker 07

  So we're working on the floor. We're working on the floor. And Kirk gives me a little... He gives me a little elbow. He goes, "Mike, Mike, what's that?" And the two of us look up, and there behind the glass doors is the cat pacing back and forth. And... And we look, and the cat kinda looks at us, and we both divert our eyes.

• 47:49Speaker 07

  And we keep, we keep working. And after a while, it became routine. The cat would pace, we were working. We would look at him, we would divert our eyes. So day one went by, day two went by. Now the third day was gonna be, we were gonna finish the job, get paid and go home. And we chalked the doors open to Second Avenue. We chalked the door open to the apartment. And we're bringing our tools up. And as we're walking through, Kirk says to me, he taps me again and he goes, "Mike, what's that on the back window sill? In the living room area?" And Brenton, his wife Shannon, had great taste. They had these beautiful, white, lacy, sheer curtains. And brownstone windows with the low sills.

• 48:34Speaker 07

  And we could see a silhouette behind the curtains. And with the tools, we leaned forward. And just as we leaned forward far enough, a gentle breeze blew the curtains. And there was Slash! And we made eye contact with the magnificent. And the cat freaked out. Two leaps, and Kirk and I were pinned to the wall. The cat leaped halfway across the apartment, hit the couch and bounced. And now it was at the French doors, trying to get into its lair. And it kept throwing itself into the glass and hissing and spitting at us.

• 49:18Speaker 07

  We're pinned to the wall. And Kirk leans over to me. And we're thinking, this is a $7,000 cat. It's gonna cut itself, it's gonna kill itself. Or worse than that, the door to Second Avenue is open. There's gonna be a wild jungle cat running down Second Avenue. We're not gonna get paid.

• 49:43Speaker 07

  So Kirk leans over to me. Kirk leans over and he says, "Mike, one of us is gonna have to open that door and let the cat in its lair." And being a fireman, you know, you have to keep your wits about you. You have to stay calm in situations. So I leaned over to Kirk and as calmly as I could, I said, "Well, it ain't gonna be me." And Kirk looked at me with disgust. And he opened the door. And the cat went in. We closed the door. We looked at each other and we were like, "We're outta here." We picked up the tools. We went down. We told Brent, "You're paying us for the day. The cat's in his room. Thank you very much." And the moral of the story, we went to a bar.

• 50:26Speaker 07

  We drank for the rest of the day. The moral of the story is that a cat on the sill is worth a beer and a bar.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  Michael Donovan spent 25 years in the New York City Fire Department, finishing his career as a captain in special operations. He is currently retired and spends his time between South Carolina and Vermont. Michael is still very good friends with Teddy and describes him as one of the toughest people he has ever known. But he has lost contact with SLASH and its owners and has never had another close encounter with a jungle cat since. To see some photos of Michael, please visit themoth.org. And that's it for this week on The Moth Radio Hour.

• 51:19Speaker 00

  Thank you for joining us.

• 51:34Speaker 02

  This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison, and Catherine Burns, along with Jodi Powell, who also hosted and directed the stories in the show. Co-producer, Vicky Merrick. Associate producer, Emily Couch. The rest of The Moth's leadership Team includes Sarah Haberman, Sarah Austin Jenness, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Klucze, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Inga Glodowski, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Aldi Casa. "Moth Stories Are True" is remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour is from Epidemic Sound and Blue Dot Sessions. Podcast music, production support from Davey Sumner.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  We receive funding from the National Endowment for the Arts. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. Special thanks to our friends at Odyssey, including executive producer Leah Reese Dennis. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.