Bittersweet: The Moth Podcast

On this episode, stories about the mess and confusion of being human - and the dark humor to be found there. This episode was hosted by Jodi Powell. Storytellers: Austin Butterfield discovers that his office has been taken over. Torrey Shineman finds unexpected humor in a moment of grief. Podcast # 995

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Welcome to The Moth. I'm Jodi Powell. I love a feel-good story, a story where things work out in the end that leaves a smile on your face. In fact, I'm hosting a Moth Radio Hour episode filled with feel-good stories that will drop in a few days, so definitely take a listen once it's out. But for this podcast episode, I wanted to do something a little different. Instead of feel-good stories, maybe something that leaves a crumb of bittersweet, joy with some shadow in it. Don't worry, these stories aren't despairing. They're stories about the strange mess and pettiness and confusion of being human and the dark humor to be found

• 0:44Speaker 00

  there. So, ready to find the good in feeling bad? First up, this story from Austin Butterfield, who told this at a Denver Story Slam where the theme was happy. Here's Austin, live at the Moth.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  So, I walk into my office and all of my stuff is gone. And that seemed unusual. And so, I texted my boss, who happens to also be one of my really good friends, and I said, "Hey bud, did I get fired?" And he texted back, "No." Then the next text said, "Why do you keep asking me that?" I do ask him that a lot. I just took a picture of my office and sent it to him, and he goes, "Just sends that one emoji that's like the face with the teeth that's just like, mm?"

• 1:35Speaker 01

  That was it. And then I said, "I sent the emoji that was just like, the shruggy shoulder, like, huh?" And he goes, "Didn't we tell you that the hospital was deciding to give your office to someone else?" And I was like, "No, no you didn't." And so, I asked, "Who's taking over my office?" And he goes, "Just someone the hospital made a new direction." I was like, "Okay, you can come live in the basement with us. It's about a 10-minute walk from where you work, but it's fine." And then I found out they gave my office to the therapy dogs. And that sounds funny, mostly because it is, but it's worse because I'm actually an emergency psychiatrist. And so, and they're not even real therapy dogs. They're just really cute and friendly

• 2:18Speaker 01

  golden retrievers. And I, metaphorically, am a really friendly and hopefully cute golden retriever. At least, that's what the social workers tell me. When I tried to tell them, when they asked me what animal represents you, and I was like, "I'm a bear." And they were like, "Really?" And they didn't get the gay joke. They're like, "No, you're like a golden retriever, like a really food-driven golden retriever." And I was like, "Oh, okay." So, I go to the basement 10 minutes away from the emergency room while I'm trying to help kids in crisis. And even though the, you know, who wasn't helping those kids in crisis, the therapy dogs. And so, I went home that night, and I was a little bit salty,

• 3:02Speaker 01

  which was not very a golden retriever. And this was also the time in my life that the other things weren't going really well. I was like, right in the middle of like, the worst breakup. It was six and a half months into the pandemic, and my relationship of 12 years had just ended. And I was like, "Oh, man, I need a treat." Which didn't help me not feeling like a golden retriever. Because, like, well, some people, their treats are cheesecake, and some people, their treat is wine. My treat happens to be Kelly Clarkson videos on YouTube. Which is amazing, karaoke. Look it up, it's good. Because she sings things, she like sings Whitney Houston, and she's like, she wants to dance with somebody. I was like, "You could dance with me, Kelly."

• 3:44Speaker 01

  And so, I'm watching the videos, and if you know YouTube, you know that sometimes you have to watch ads, and you get the five, four, three, two, and you click in the right hand, and you do pay attention to the ad at all, and then you just get to watch more Kelly Clarkson. Well, YouTube, in the middle of the pandemic, decided they were going to start making watchful ads. And they made me watch 15-second ads. I was like, "That is, I don't know if the cost-benefit ratio, but I want to watch Kelly." And so, then, they made me watch a longer ad. And it was like, two and a half minutes. I was like, "This is longer than Kelly singing Alanis Morissette." And worse, it was an advertisement for straight guy soap. And I was like, "Google, you have all my information for someone." TiVo figured out I was gay in 2004. And I know that because

• 4:28Speaker 01

  they kept recommending every show on Bravo. And I was like, "You don't know me, TiVo. Do you want to watch that?" And so, I watched this ad, and I'm like, "You're oppressing me. You don't even understand, like, you don't even know me." And I didn't want to like this ad, but then there was like, this funny guy, and I respect comedy. And then they also had this really handsome guy, like lumberjack chic, who was just like, like a mask, like a fully masked top, like a button-down flannel, right? And he goes, uh, he doesn't say anything, which makes it even better. Just the comedian says things. And so, I was like, "I'm mad, but I kind of know that I'm not going to be mad because I'm still a golden retriever."

• 5:10Speaker 01

  And so, like, then I watched my Kelly Clarkson video, I forget about that, and then I keep going, and they make me watch that ad again. And this time, I find myself being like, "Actually, I'm kind of in this." And so, I ordered the straight guy soap. And so, now, I have another treat, aromatherapy. And I was like, "This isn't CBT, but it feels great." And now, if this is what it smells like to be a straight guy, I'm like, kind of rocking it. It's kind of awesome. It's very nature. It's almost too much nature for me, but like, I'm into pine now. It's fine. And even though I was in the middle of a breakup, and I lost my office to the therapy dogs, I realized that my life is amazing, and I'm moving forward in a way where I can have all the treats that I want. Thank you.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  That was Austin Butterfield. Austin was born and raised in Colorado. Despite being a Colorado enthusiast, Austin prefers to appreciate nature in 4K rather than being physically present in the great outdoors. His love languages are caffeine, sugar, and stories. Every year, I go to Jamaica for Christmas, and every year, I come back to New York full of good food, sunshine, and I always feel a little invincible. About four years ago, my first day back, I float out of my apartment, train comes right on time, like he was waiting on me personally. That was a sign. We pull into the tunnel, and within seconds, the

• 6:43Speaker 00

  few of us in the train realize we are not alone. There is a rat, loose, running free, like, where do I sit? What follows is what I could only describe as shameful, a type of loss of dignity. The man a few seats down, the woman with her fancy lunch kit, the kid who is late for school, all of us on our seats squealing, praying out loud, like, "Please don't let the rat jump up next to me." We roll into the next station, our rat friend casually deboards, like it's going shopping, and then the next train operator comes on at the intercom and gives us a proper cussing out about our behavior. How we should be more bold and somehow fight the rat, I guess.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  Blah, blah, blah. We all ignore him. I cannot remember the last time I laughed as hard and was as terrified with a complete set of strangers. And I think, mm, it's good to be back in New York. After the break, a story about finding humor while grieving. Back in a moment.

• 7:52Speaker 00

  Welcome back. Our next story is from Tori Shineman, who told this at a New York City Story Slam where the theme was vices. Here's Tori, live at the Moth.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  We were best friends. We were in love. We had an epic run. We took New York City by storm. And then, one day, it's 4th of July weekend, he is visiting his parents, it's his dad's birthday, and out of nowhere, he drops dead on a Tuesday afternoon. He was 41 years old. And I did not take his death well. I struggled for a really long time. After the funeral, I went and I stayed with his family for a few days in New Jersey. It was his mom, and his dad, and his sister Lauren, and me. And he lived in New York. He had just moved into a new apartment, like, just moved. All of his stuff was still in

• 8:51Speaker 02

  boxes. And Lauren and I, we drive back and forth from New York to New Jersey, and we move out all of his stuff from his old apartment, and we unload everything into the garage at his parents' house. And there's so much stuff in this garage, and I realized, like, somebody's going to have to go through all these boxes, right? Figure out like, what to keep, and what to donate, and what to throw away. And we don't want his parents to have to deal with this. And so, Lauren and I agree, "We're going to do this together." And so, we team up, and we post up in the garage at his parents' house, and one box at a time, we start sorting through all of these different pieces of his life. And every

• 9:32Speaker 02

  box is just, it's full of memories, right? Like, all of these old childhood keepsakes, old journals. I find concert tickets from shows that we'd seen together. I find every gift I'd ever given him. I find every letter I ever wrote to him. He saved them. And then we open this box, and it is full of porn.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  Like so much porn. Like stacks and stacks and stacks of DVDs and it's weird shit. And I'm like, Jesus. And me and Lauren, like, we are heartbroken. We have been crying for days. And we open up this box of pornos and we both just burst out laughing. And we take a break from the job and we flip through the stack and we're reading the titles out loud to each other and we are laughing and we're crying and it's just the most ridiculous thing. And it's this moment of comic relief amidst all of this grief.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  And then we have to figure out, like, well, what are we gonna do with all these pornos? Right? And it's not like, I mean, his parents obviously don't want them. I don't want them and she doesn't want them. But somebody out there would really want these, right? Like, I'm sure there is somebody who would really like and appreciate this giant box of DVDs. But it's not the kind of thing you bring to Goodwill. And I, like, we're debating this. I'm like, like, and I just can't figure out, I'm like, how do you find the person that wants your dead boyfriend's porn collection? Like, I don't, I can't wrap my head around that at this moment in time. It's just too much for me to bear. And eventually we decide, let's just throw them away.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  And we take this giant box of DVDs and we dump them into a big, black trash bag. And it's done. And we kind of, we shake it off, you know, catch our breath, and we go back to, like, sorting through all of these boxes. And it's more boxes and there's more clothes and more love letters. And then we find more porn. There's another stack of DVDs in another box and we both start laughing. And this goes on. For two and a half days, we go through these boxes and every couple hours, one of us will find another stack of pornos. Like, they are everywhere.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  And it's like, literally days full of, like, sentimental nostalgic grief with intermittent bursts of laughter every time we find a stack of pornos. And I feel bad, you know, like, I feel guilty, like, he would be so embarrassed, like, that his little sister and his girlfriend are, like, looking through his porn collection in his parents' garage. But we didn't try to find them and I, you know, there's nothing wrong with that. Like, we're not judging him, it's just, it's just the most ridiculous thing. And we keep going through these boxes. So, home stretch, we're almost done. There's only a couple boxes left. And sure enough, Lauren finds another stack of DVDs.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  And she hands them to me and I'm about to throw them in the garbage and she says, well, you know, maybe, maybe you should keep one. You know, to remember him by. And I laugh, like, yeah, right, like, totally, I should do that. And I throw them away. But then I start thinking, I'm like, God, like, this is almost over. You know, like, in a couple hours, we're gonna bring all the boxes to Goodwill and we're gonna bring all of these garbage bags to the dump and I'm gonna drive home and, and it's all gonna be gone and this is all gonna be over and maybe, like, maybe I should keep one. Like, just one to remember him by.

• 13:29Speaker 02

  And it's funny, because even, like, it was Lauren's idea, but now I'm embarrassed about it, because, like, I'd passed up that moment. And so I wait for her to be on the other side of the garage, looking the other way. And I stick my hand into the garbage bag and I fish out one of these DVDs and I stuff it in my backpack. That was seven and a half years ago. I still have this DVD. I have not watched it. Yet. But who knows? Right? Like, maybe one day, I'll be feeling just that right mix of emotion.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Bust out Sluts, Virgins, and Twins, number six. Pop that sucker in and rub one out. Thank you.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  That was Tori Shinneman. Tori is a behavioral scientist by training, educator by calling, and an artist at heart. Her creative work blends personal narrative and social commentary, inviting audiences to think, laugh, and reflect. Tori's recent solo show, Multifaceted, explores living as both a scientist and artist. I love the way Tori was able to find humor in a sad time and gave us the permission to laugh with her. That brings us to the end of our episode. We hope that you two are able to find the joy, even in the bad times, and maybe even laugh a little.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Jodi Powell is a director and educator at The Moth who enjoys listening to and seeking stories from beyond the main corridors. Originally from Jamaica, she currently lives in Harlem. This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Sollinger. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Gina Duncan, Christina Norman, Marina Kluchay, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardinalle, Caledonia Cairns, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, and Patricia Ureña. The Moth Podcast is presented by Odyssey. Special thanks to their executive producer, Leah Reese Dennis. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else,

• 15:56Speaker 03

  go to our website, themoth.org.