Never Say "Let Me Know If"

When someone you care about is grieving, the pressure to say the right thing can be paralyzing. You want to help, but you don't want to make it worse. In this episode, I break down exactly what to say—and what not to say—when someone is dealing with profound loss. We cover why "let me know if you need anything" actually creates more burden for the grieving person, how to eliminate open-ended questions that force them to manage your emotions, and why false positivity is the fastest way to push them away. I'll give you the exact words and actions that show up for people in their darkest moments without requiring them to ask for permission. Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Tiny Health: Go to https://tinyhealth.com/jefferson for $50 off your first at-home test kit. Cozy Earth: Go to https://cozyearth.com/Jefferson and use code JEFFERSON for up to 20% off. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/book Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/topic Join my School of Communication. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/membership Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher Follow me on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@justaskjefferson?lang=en Follow me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffersonfisher/ 0:00 The Pressure of Saying the Right Thing 3:18 Why You Should Never Say Let Me Know If You Need Anything 6:30 How to Show Up Without Asking for Permission 8:55 Eliminate Open Ended Questions 11:02 Don't Make Them Manage Your Emotions 14:12 The Power of Short Consistent Messages 16:33 Why False Positivity Backfires 18:04 How to Lean Into Their Pain Instead Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  College football is back. So Hilton called to me, the superstition concierge, to make your fan rituals a reality. Need a room to match your lucky number? We got you. Want to make sure our team doesn't wash your lucky jersey? Oh, that smells lucky. Hilton's unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition. Even a marching band wake up call at 5:55 and 55 seconds. Hit it! When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day, it matters where you stay. Hilton, for the stay.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  If you know somebody who is grieving and the first words you give them are, "Let me know if," like, "Let me know if you need anything, let me know if there's anything I can do." Listen to me, it's the wrong thing to say. In this episode, I'm going to teach you much better things that we're going to be able to respond to anytime somebody is dealing with grief. Grief is a very hard, deep gut sensation that is not something you get over. It's just something you get used to. And over time, how you communicate that can mean all the difference between growing closer in that relationship or losing it. In this episode, we're going to have very practical takeaways and responses to give to that other person. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. This is another Car Talk.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  I have made an episode before on grief specifically, but I got asked to bring it back, to run it back. If you find anything that I give or say in this podcast is valuable, I'm going to ask it wherever you're listening, if you would just subscribe or follow, that would mean a whole lot to me. Thank you very much. Now, specifically on the whole, if you begin with, "Let me know if you need anything," when somebody is going through an episode of grief, so maybe it's usually loss of a loved one. Maybe it's somebody, they've lost somebody in their life. It's, you've just got news that somebody has passed away, or maybe a very hard, traumatic event that's just, it's utter sadness. It is life-shattering.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  The examples are endless. You just get that news and you find out that it's one of your best friends, or somebody that you know, or somebody at work, and you don't know what to say. You get the phone and you're ready to text them, or you're ready to call them, and you just hesitate. Because you just have this bubble in your stomach of, "I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want to say something, but I don't know what." And maybe you start typing something on the phone and then it doesn't sound good to you and you're like, "I don't know if that's going to read the right way," and you start deleting it. We've all, we've been there. And in this episode specifically, I'm talking to two different kinds of people.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  One is for those of you that are going through grief, or have grieved in the past. This episode is for you to be able to help me and others understand. All right? So wherever you're listening, if you're watching on YouTube right now, I want you to comment things, after you see this episode, things that you go, "Hey, this is what I would either improve on, Jefferson," because I can always improve communication. It is something I continually strive for. Or is going, "Hey, this is what helped me during this time." Cool? The second group I want to talk to is those that have people in their life that are going through grief and you're saying, "Jefferson, I don't really know how to, I don't know

• 3:25Speaker 01

  what to say, I need to say something." Okay? So this is, this is where we're going to get really into the nitty-gritty of it. I know what it's like to write that text message and start deleting it again. Here's what I need you to know. If you begin with, "Let me know if," you're already sending it in the wrong direction. Let me explain. When you say, "Let me know if you need anything, let me know if there's anything I can do, let me know if I can bring you anything," what you've done is just unburden yourself. That's all you've done. It's, I, listen to me, I know it's well-intentioned. I know that you have all the best intentions. So it's not a matter of your intention. It's a matter of the effect on the other person.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  And so when you say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," what you've done and go, you've kind of just wiped your hands and said, "Okay, well, I've, I've done all I can, right? It's now in their hands, it's now in their box for them to, if they need anything, they'll let me know. Otherwise, I'm, I'm good, right? I've checked the box." And all the other person gets, when they read it, on top of all the other texts that they're getting in that cluster of a week, is they go, "I don't," they don't even know what they want. All they know what they want, they can't get back, right? They can't, you can't give them that person back. They don't, they know what they want and it can't happen. That's, that's the grief. That's the heartbreak in that.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  And even if it was, "Hey, let me know if there's anything I can bring you," they don't know, they don't even want to exist, most likely, in that moment. And so what you do when you say, "Let me know if," you pass the burden of needs and thinking and foresight onto them. To give them now a chore of not, not only just thinking of what they want, it's now having to then take the extra step forward to communicate what they want. And that is hard to be able to stop. Imagine right now, if, if there's no grief going on in your life and, and you just, I ask you, "Let me know what you want for dinner today. Let me know what you want to eat."

• 5:35Speaker 01

  It's, it can be really hard. I mean, just, just that little decision. Now, you multiply that times a thousand when somebody is going through something as hard and gut punching as grief. So instead of the, "Let me know if you need anything, let me know if," right? Which is the condition that they now have to meet.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Here's what I want you to do. Instead of the, "Let me know if," just do the thing. Whatever you were thinking of doing, do it. If you, if you can't think of anything, then don't say that in the first place. Understand that those words were some kind of a false promise in some sense, okay? Even well-intentioned.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  For example, imagine if instead of, "Let me know if you need anything, let me know if I can bring you anything." You just said, "Hey, I'm bringing you dinner Thursday. Let me bring it at five or six."

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Less choices, five or six, right? Small choices, they don't have to think about it. Or you, you just take that decision away from them and say, "Hey, I'm bringing you dinner on Thursday." That's it. Or, how about this, dinners, this is Thursday evening, dinner's on your doorstep. That's it. Right? Just do the thing. Go mow their yard. If it's a close friend, come in, take out their trash.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  You don't have to say anything. Come in, make a meal, clean their house, do laundry, right? Take off the menial, thoughtless tasks that you say, "I can, I can handle that." Instead of saying, "Hey, let me know if I can come do chores at your house." You think they're going to want to say, "Yeah, come do chores at my house?" Right? Find, find those opportunities to fill in the gaps that show that who you offered to be is exactly who you are. And you don't have to put that responsibility onto them. So what's, what's the takeaway here for, for lesson number one?

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Is to come to the table with a question already answered. Like, present the answer, and that is, "I'm already going to do this. I'm, I'm, I'm going to take out the trash. I'm going to shovel snow out of your driveway. I'm already going to do that. You don't even have to ask me to do it. There's no permission I have to grant." Because most likely that other person is, they, they can't, they don't even want to get off the floor.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  And when you can come and just sit with them and have to worry about like, you know, "Do I have to ask for anything? Do you, you know, you didn't tell me?" Take that all off the table. Well, you communicate and action is going to speak more.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Then anything that you can say in, in words, especially in times of grief. So instead of let me know if, just go and do the thing. Give them less choices. You see how let me know if you need anything opens it up to everything? Even if you were just like, I don't know. Chinese takeout or, you know, fajitas tonight. Give them two options. Better yet, just choose. If you know their kids are, you know, love butter noodles, bring a big tub of butter noodles. You get, you, do you hear what I'm saying? Take off the burden. I know what you're doing is, is well intentioned. When you say, let me know if you need anything.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  It does not come out that way. That is not the result. You with me? Cool. Number two, eliminate the open-ended questions. Those are the questions like, how are you doing? How are you holding up? How are things? Tell me how you're doing. Like the, the, the open-ended questions that aren't helpful. I, I know that you mean them good. They're not helpful. Instead, all you need to say is, I don't have the words, period. I'm here for you. Something as simple as that.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Even if you were to say, I don't have the words, period, and left it at that, that's gonna say more than a lot of other things that are gonna do more harm than good. I don't have the words. Short and sweet. When somebody is going through a very, when somebody is going through grief, a simple text of, I don't have the words, period, will say more than anything else. I don't have the words. I'm here for you. I'm with you. Going to their house and just sitting with them and not having to say anything. Just sitting with them in that presence.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  And holding that space is going to say so much more than things that are going to do more harm than good. When you ask the open-ended questions, like how are you holding up? What are you, what are they supposed to say? What are, really, what are they supposed to say? Oh, you know, well, I guess I'm okay. I guess I'm not. No, they're crumbling inside. They are, they are, they are hurt inside. They feel pain. They feel anger, so much anger, so much sadness that's wrapped up in that. And ask them, how are they holding up? Which is, means that they have to have and kind of create this, you know, show of

• 11:21Speaker 01

  strength that they don't have in that moment is very, very difficult. Another thing that I want to add to this is be very careful. I know this is a balance. All right. And you're gonna go, I don't know about this, Jefferson. I know. Listen, there is a balance of making sure that your emotions do not become something else that they have to manage. When somebody is going through grief, be careful that your emotion does not make it all about you. All of a sudden, the bereaved person, right, the person who was married or related to, the parent of, now has to be consoling you.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Okay. To be in that position where you, your emotions are so big and so wide and all of a sudden you become the victim. And it's like, hold up, that was, that this is, this was my mom or dad, not yours. And now I'm having to like step in and, now there's a difference here of shared grief, where you can cry with them. When you can hug them and you can feel that and it's empathy and it's real and it's raw. I am all for that. I am all for that. I, I, I have to give the, I, I have to mention, because I've seen it,

• 12:44Speaker 01

  where somebody else in the fold who's connected to the family or in the friendship or whatever, they all sudden become the drama, right? And they're the ones that you now have to manage. And, and the hard thing is about that is because you become another thing to manage. You become, and they don't have the strength for that. And now they have to prop you up. I'd be very careful with that. So do not allow your emotions to become, you know, a, a vacuum of vortex for the other person in grief. So I know there's a balance and I know that's tricky. It's gonna depend on a lot of things.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  I'm still keeping it in here because I think it's very valid. Be careful that your emotions do not absorb and try and take the spotlight of the grief that's, the grief that's happening. That does not mean, I'm not saying you don't share, cry with them, feel that empathy. That's not what I'm saying. Just, just be careful about that. Because why? You don't want your feelings to be another thing that they have to manage, deal with. It's, it's not gonna lead to, to anything good. So instead of these open-ended phrases, like, how are you doing? Horrible. They're horrible. What are you, how are you expecting them to respond? Instead of the open-ended phrases, which put the burden on them to try and

• 14:12Speaker 01

  put their feelings into words at, at a very hard moment, much better to simply just say, I don't have the words, period. And you know what? The conversation that follows, if there needs to be any that happen, are going to be much more enlightening, much more real. Much more real. So instead of these, these open-ended questions, just, I don't have the words, period. Use short statements. I'm here with you. Some, something as simple as that. It does not have to be extravagant. On my mind. Heavy on my mind. Imagine saying that not just within the first week, but the second week, the third week, the fourth week. You know, imagine, imagine a world

• 14:57Speaker 01

  where somebody texts you and says, I'm gonna text you at this time, this, every week for the next six weeks, no need to respond. Or you just do it. You don't even have to tell them that. You send a short note, a favorite memory, anything at the same time, every week where you go, you don't need to respond to this. This is my way of communicating to you that I am thinking about you. You are on my mind, period. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Tiny Health. We know what it's like when it seems like you're eating fine, you're exercising, you're getting enough sleep, but you still just feel off. Like something inside you, maybe you're, you feel queasy, your stomach's not right. You don't feel like you're,

• 15:41Speaker 01

  you're locked in. You can just go, I just feel, I just feel off. Well, most of the time, there is something else going deeper that you cannot see. What Tiny Health does, it provides an at-home test for your gut. Because if your gut's not good, then ain't nothing good. Because we know what it's like when everything is just out of sorts. And so what it does is you take the test, you send it off and you get personalized, specific to you, personalized recommendation and breakdown of what all is happening. It gives you recommendations on food. What's, what's gonna be good food? What's not gonna be good food? What, what trends are they seeing? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have? Things that are specific and unique to you. And knowing that kind of data, having that, rather than just trying to guess and go to the

• 16:24Speaker 01

  over counter and just buy a bunch of random stuff and hope that it goes away. And you actually know what's happening. There is a peace of just having that kind of information. So, if you're like me and want to make sure that you're making decisions based off real data, rather than just guessing, I want you to go try Tiny Health. So start improving your life with real data from Tiny Health. Tiny Health is offering my listeners, their most aggressive, is what they call it, offer yet $50 off your first at-home test kit at tinyhealth.com/jefferson. That's tinyhealth.com/jefferson for $50 off, which is pretty awesome. And now let's keep going. Number three,

• 17:05Speaker 01

  do not start with false positivity. There is nothing in my mind that can be more detrimental and more anger inducing when it comes to somebody who's dealing with grief than false positivity. What does that sound like? Well, at least you're in a better place. Well, you know, all things happen for a reason. I know that you mean well. I know that you mean well. I do.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  Doesn't help. Doesn't help. Okay, because in that moment, there's nothing positive about it. There's exceptions in my mind, but for the vast majority, there's no positives about it. And they say, everything happens for a reason. Really? Really? That's not how it feels right now. Now, belief wise, I'm somebody who, I do believe, truly, that things happen for a reason. That does not mean that you need to bring that up right now. That doesn't mean you need to say that at all. Okay? Instead of this false positivity that

• 18:13Speaker 01

  is going to create more heartburn for the other person. And because what you're doing is trying to push them away from the pain. Right? You're, I understand. You're trying to ease it. You're trying to soothe by pushing them away from the pain and point more towards positive things. It's not the time. It's not going to work. It's gonna, it's gonna backfire. Okay? Instead of that, what you do is lean into the pain more. By that, I mean affirm the pain. Say, this isn't fair. This is terrible. It's, this is awful. Nobody deserves this. This is so unfair.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Nobody deserves this. You lean into the pain. Affirm that how they're feeling is absolutely justified. Absolutely justified. So when they are down and they are just on the floor, I want you to be able to step in and send that message that says, nobody deserves this. This is absolutely unfair. This is, this is awful. This is horrible.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Whatever that feeling of

• 19:27Speaker 01

  just suffering, they need to know that they're okay to feel that way. Instead of trying to push it away and make them think happy thoughts.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  They need, they have to go through this grief. They have to, they have to go through it. It's not, it's not linear. Okay? It's gonna go up and down and they, they have to get through it. They, they have to get through it. They're, they're just gonna get, like I've, I've heard before, it's not something you get over. It's something you get used to. Okay? When you, when you try to send happy thoughts, it's not gonna, it's not gonna come out that way. I need you to acknowledge and affirm their pain.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Nobody deserves this.

• 20:16Speaker 01

  This is, this is an absolute tragedy.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  I, I can't imagine the pain that you're in.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  This is an unbearable pain.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  I have so much anger. Right? Anything that is leaning more in to what they need to go through and affirming that how they're feeling is absolutely okay, rather than trying to do happy thoughts. I will give one exception to that in my mind. And that is if somebody is, they've had a lot of pain and health problems and issues and they're, and just, they've been suffering. Okay? And they pass and somebody says,

• 21:05Speaker 01

  they're in no more pain. Like that to me, at least they're in no more pain. That to me is okay. If, if, if you're listening, you feel otherwise, let me know. That to me is okay. I think there's some other things we could, we could do that'd be probably better.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  I, I still think that's, that's okay because you're saying, hey, they're, at least they're in no more pain. But the, at least they're in a better place. No, I don't want them, I, I want them here with me. I want them here for me.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  With me.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Let me know if you want anything. I, you can't give me what I want. What I want is that person back.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  You know, all things happen for a reason. Really, what reason is that? Because I have a million other reasons of why that shouldn't be. Be very careful of the words that you use when somebody's going through grief because it can mean all the difference. And how that relationship that you have is going to grow, continue, preserve, and move forward. Because I promise you, I promise you, and I know this from experience, the people who show up in your grief, you remember them.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  You remember them.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  And you remember the people who just stepped into your life and just did things without asking. They just did it. They, they, they cleared your sidewalk. They took out your trash. They did your laundry. You open the door to the, to the doorbell and there's, you know, a casserole. You have people who step into your life, who show up for you at no mention, no ask. That's the kind of people that you remember forever. And the people who make everything about them and they, they just have this emotional tornado and they, they ask you all these things that aren't helpful and say all these things that aren't helpful and send you all these memes,

• 23:05Speaker 01

  you know, or, or, you know, posts that aren't helpful. You remember that too.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  So how you handle it, and I think this episode gives you a very clear guidepost on how to communicate those kinds of things. When ultimately what it comes down to is how you show up for them in some of their hardest moments. It often does not even need words. That's the beauty of connection between us humans. Is often the deepest things don't even require words.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  I hope you took something away from this podcast episode. I know that you did. Again, if you have something to add on something that meant something to you when you're going through grief or something that you have found helpful, please share it with me and everybody. This episode was brought to you by Cozy Earth. One thing I love about Cozy Earth, and they've been a sponsor for a long time now, is that everything that they have is ultimate quality and it's made really well. And what I, probably the number one thing that we like in our household right now is this huge blanket that's both weighted and feels like you have a, you know, a big bear like laying on you at all times.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  So my kids kind of, it's big enough that they can both fit under it. But trust me, it's the coveted, who, who can get to the blanket

• 24:34Speaker 01

  first. I'm pretty sure it's called like their snuggle blanket or something. And what you want to do when you're in it is, is snuggle. It makes you feel really well. And I am somebody who, I'm a big pro weighted blanket person. I like a lot of weight on me. I just find it very calming. So if you like things that are soft, cuddly, you like things that feel good and they're comfy, especially in your home, in your living room, and you're needing that, that sense of calm in your life, you can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for up to 20% off. cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 20% off. This is an episode that I think,

• 25:12Speaker 01

  this is an episode that I am confident can change relationships for the better when it comes to dealing with some of the hardest emotional feelings that we have in this world. Again, if you find anything that I have said that it can be improved upon or something that you can share and give your story or two cents to this, please do. This is how we learn. All right? Thank you. Love you. Be good.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.