Never Do This When Someone Gets Emotional

What do you say when you start to cry in an argument? Absolutely nothing. In this episode, I break down exactly what to do when your emotions run high and the tears start falling during a tense conversation. We talk about why you should never apologize for crying, how to label your tears so you can keep the conversation moving, and why crying is just your body releasing tension. I also cover what to do when someone else starts crying in front of you—and why handing them a tissue or asking if they need a break is actually the worst thing you can do. Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth: Go to ⁠https://cozyearth.com/Jefferson⁠ and use code JEFFERSON for up to 20% off. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/book Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/topic Join my School of Communication. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/membership Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher Follow me on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@justaskjefferson?lang=en Follow me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffersonfisher/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:29Speaker 01

  What do you say when you start to cry in an argument? I'll tell you. Absolutely nothing. Don't you dare, for one second, start to apologize for the fact that you're starting to cry and you're tearing up. It is exactly what your body is meant to do. And in this episode, I'm going to break down, if you're the person who's tearing up, what to do and say, what not to do. And second of all, if you're the person who, on the other side, somebody's starting to cry in front of you, what you can do and what not to do. It is an episode that is going to touch everybody because we're humans. And if you're a human, you're going to find some value in this podcast.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you're listening and find any value and advice that I give, I would be absolutely honored. If, wherever you're listening, you can subscribe or follow. It'll take two seconds. And my promise to you is to continue to put out this type of content. Okay, when you go into that moment, all right, and I want you to picture it. Maybe you're at work. Maybe you're in conversation with a spouse and you're talking about something that is tension-filled. All right, keyword on tension. And it doesn't mean that just the content is tense. It means the room is tense. It means you're already feeling something. Maybe you came into the discussion already at 50% tension, right?

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Or maybe it's 80%. You've had a day. You have a lot on your plate. Somebody in your life has passed away. You had a really hard morning at the house. Maybe your kids were going crazy and people weren't being nice. And it's just, it's already 9:00 a.m. and it's been a day and you're just ready to go back to bed. You know what I'm saying? And when that happens, understand that there's this window that you have left of just to be able to regulate yourself because you're already starting to feel that pressure, that tension rise. Can you get into that conversation? And whether it's the content, the feeling, whatever it is, and all of a sudden, physically, you can tell that your eyes are starting to water.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  They're starting to water. And right there in the tear ducts, you can feel it and your face might get flush. Maybe you're having a hard time with your breath and you're having to swallow it down. And really, because you're trying to calm yourself. What do you do in that moment? Here's exactly what I'm going to break down for you, for anybody who's struggling with this. Or if you know somebody who struggles with this and you want to be a help to them, this is the episode for you. First, I'm going to talk about what to do if that's you. You're the person who's feeling that. And two, how do you handle it when you're the other person and they start to cry in front of you? There's some do's and don'ts that we're going to talk about. Here's what I want you to do. Number one, if you start to cry in an argument, you cannot, you will not apologize.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  That's when you say, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my, I'm being ridiculous right now. Oh, my gosh, please ignore me. Stop that. No, that's a no. We don't, from here forward, listen to me. From here forward, we're not going to be doing that. We're not going to be doing that. We're not going to use any of that language. When you're in front of somebody and that starts to happen, it's not, I'm so sorry. I apologize. And you just, you feel like all of a sudden you're a puddle on the floor and you begin to have to... Really what you're doing in that moment is you're trying to now manage their comfort. Because you're feeling like, oh, now they're uncomfortable and I now have committed an error and I now have to apologize for it. I've done something.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  My body has done something that I now have caused a grievance of their discomfort, discomfort, and now I have to apologize for it. That is a wrong way of thinking. Your body does this naturally. Naturally. It is biological. It is a physiological response. When you feel that come up to the top and it's releasing. And what that is, is a release. It is tension. So the higher the tension, the higher the need for release. And you know what that is? It's a wave. It's going to pass. It's going to pass. You're not going to cry forever. Those tears are not going to come out forever.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  I mean, I don't even like really calling it crying because to me, crying is when you actually have to set aside some time to go through these emotions and process this. Most of the time, those kind of conversations, there's not so much crying as it is, it's emotionally overwhelming and stimulating to the point of your tear ducts operating, doing what they're doing because your body is saying, hey, I feel all that tension. Let me help you. Let me just... You know how, if you have like a bottle of soda, up north, they call it pop, whatever that's about. We call it, down here in the South, we all call it Coke or soda, whatever. And you, and you start to, you know that it kind of fell over on the table or whatever and it kind of got jostled around. You're opening it for the first time. And what do you make sure?

• 5:42Speaker 01

  You kind of like, you have to let that pressure, that air pressure out. Because if you don't, what's going to happen? It's just, if you open it, it's just going to erupt. It's going to erupt and it's going to spill everywhere. Your body is protecting you from the spillover. It's saying, let me let out a little bit of pressure for you. Let me, I can tell that you're tense. It needs to happen. So hear me, it's not that you're weak. It's that your body is doing exactly what it's made to do. All right? I get so tired of hearing these naysayers that are like, oh, no, if you're at work, you can never cry. Like, they can't see you as weak, right?

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Toughness was never about dry eyes. Toughness is about your actions, your words, what you say from your chest, what you do, the next move, the next conversation. Toughness has nothing to do about how dry your eyes are. There are people in my life, men, women, who, when they have a show of emotion, and I've seen it, even the toughest men in my life, they show just a little bit of emotion and they have tears. I admire them more. I respect them more. I say, wow, they are really somebody that encompasses what it means to fully express as a human. We're humans. We're meant to be doing this. Okay, man, I was really going on there.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  I was feeling, I was feeling myself for a moment. Okay, where were we? Don't apologize. Don't apologize. You don't need to do that. Here's what I want you to do instead. Number two. Number two.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Before we go to number two, actually. Yep, you're like, okay, Jefferson, hold up. I need to make sure that you know this. When you say the things like, I'm being ridiculous or I'm so sorry, or please ignore me, you're now calling attention to the crying rather than staying your attention on the conversation. And now, the other person now kind of feels obligated in an awkward way to now talk about it of like, oh, no, no, you're fine. You're good. I mean, oh, do you need to stop? Do we need to? And now, it's become the thing you didn't want it to be, which means it's now the center of attention. The more you call attention to it, the more attention it's going to bring. We don't want that. So instead of apologizing and commenting in a way that's going to make you feel less,

• 8:04Speaker 01

  instead, this is what I want you to do. Now, we're going to go to number two. You ready? Number two, instead of the apology for crying, I want you to name and label your tears. All right, that means you're going to say something like, these are tired tears. These are tears that care. These are frustrated tears. These are overwhelmed tears. Just that alone, okay? Label exactly what kind of tears they are. These are grateful tears, right? These are happy tears. These are sad tears. Label the emotion. Label what these tears come from, right? Way better in terms of being short, concise, of just saying, yep, this is what happens.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  The phrase I love to use, and some of you have probably already heard this and it's worth repeating. What I love is, this is my stress in liquid form. That's what tears are. They are your stress in liquid form. And when you're able to say that to the other person and continue to go, meaning you're going to say, these are tired tears. Meaning you can wipe them away and you just keep going. You keep talking. You keep talking. Don't, if anything, you need to, just breathe through it. Take some breaths. Be okay in five seconds of silence. You owe yourself at least a breath to compose yourself and continue to talk. Go, no, I'm good. Keep going and continue on with your point.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Or, where were we? All right, back to what I was saying. And you're on it. Okay, rather than, you know, I just, I hate this about myself. Oh, my gosh. Nope, that's diverging away. We're not going to be doing it. So name and label your tears. It is something that is going to show ownership. It's going to show emotional maturity. It's going to show that, hey, I know what my body does. This is what's happening. And you don't need to be focused on it. You continue to focus on me. Because what I'm saying matters. And toughness has nothing to do with dry eyes. It has everything to do with what you say next. You with me? Before we keep going, I need to tell you about Cozy Earth. Now, if you've been a listener of the podcast, you know that I love Cozy Earth.

• 10:16Speaker 01

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• 11:00Speaker 01

  And now, let's keep going. All right, number three. If you're the person... If you're the person that tears come to them and you go, oh my gosh, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna? And it feels awkward for you. Here's your chance to really level up, to rise up and show yourself to be different than other people. Instead of you stopping everything and going, oh, are you, are you okay? Do you need anything? I know you're trying to show, your intention is trying to show care and comfort. But at that point, what you don't realize is it's making it worse because it's the very thing they don't want. That's the very thing they don't want. Don't become another thing that they have to manage. Now they have to manage your emotions and your comfort.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Instead, you need to see it as something that their body does as a function, just as yours. And if you, if you feel so inclined, feel free to grab a tissue box, but do not grab the tissue for them and don't hand it to them. Bring the box and offer it to them and they can pull the tissue, right? But you don't need to be trying to, oh, do we need to sit down? Oh, do we need to take a break? That, that is, you're taking away the strength that they have. You're, you're taking away their own decision, their own autonomy to choose what they need to do. All right. And, and for you to kind of say, all right, well, now you're on crutches in this conversation. And now I'm gonna treat you differently. You're missing the plot. Okay?

• 12:27Speaker 01

  So when somebody is doing that and they're tearing up, don't call any attention to it. What you definitely don't do is say, oh, this again? Oh, really? God, okay. Can we just talk without you crying? You, you go, go stick your head in a ditch. Don't do that. All right? Don't, don't do that. Okay? There, there, that is not what you need to be doing. If somebody's saying this again, oh, you always cry.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  You're not being a kind person. In fact, that's, that is a sense of control. That is belittlement. That is everything that you do not want to be. And showing any kind of empathy or respect for the other person. All right? So if you find that the other person in front of you starts to tear up, don't change what you're doing. In fact, if you can, just continue to talk as if they are not. Don't bring any attention to it. Just continue to talk normal as if they are not. If you need to, maybe talk a little bit slower if you feel that that's right for the moment. If it's, if it's something that, even if you decide that the moment calls for, hey, I'm, I'm good if you, we want to take a break for a moment.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe you want to offer that. Again, it's gonna depend on the person, depend on the context and what feels right. But do not, please, do not, for me, say, oh, okay, well, um, are you okay? Like I'm, I'm, I can just, you know, we don't have to talk about this and make it, make it worse. I understand it's, it's good intentioned, but usually that, that tends to make things worse. And I, I do want to say, it's not a, uh, one size fits all possible exceptions to every conversation where somebody is, is tearing up. Because yes, I need to include this. Yes, do some people use tears manipulatively?

• 14:22Speaker 01

  People do. And they learn at an early age. My daughter, my son, they definitely do that. They can work up the tears, know that it can possibly, probably get them closer to what they want. And then whoop, it dries up just like that. And there are people that maybe you're dating or you're in a relationship with, that they can use tears in that way. That is all the more reason for you not to stop, timeout, put on the brakes and start to console and comfort, right? Because that's kind of what they're wanting in that moment. It is a much firmer response to continue to nod and talk. And say, I'm, I know, it's okay. They just, this, let's, I'm, you're continuing on in the conversation.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  You're not, and you're not allowing that to be a distraction or a break. You continue to engage in the conversation. Now, if somebody's wanting to bring up something collateral to the conversation, it's okay to say, I'm absolutely, I, I hear that and I want to talk about that as soon as we finish this conversation. In other words, you're not letting the tears derail you, distract, or somebody's trying to, you know, really detract from the point because they're trying to use those tears in a way that are manipulative. I didn't, I, fourth time, I didn't get it. They're trying to control you in some way. So that's definitely something to have some discernment about.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Bottom line, if you tear up in an argument or a hard conversation, there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, it is everything right about what your body is doing and what it means to express feelings as a human. You are meant to feel all feelings, all parts of you are good and fine and perfect. And just as they, they should be. It is okay. It is okay. And for those who say it makes you look weak, there, there is some history there of why they might be saying that. I can tell you for the people in my life that I've seen tears,

• 16:30Speaker 01

  it has only made me love them and respect them more. It is not about the tears. It is about while I'm having the tears, what I am choosing to say in my actions around it. That is what shows whether you are tough or whether you are weak. It is what the words you use and the actions that you take place next. That makes all the difference. So no apologizing. We're gonna label and name the tears. It's your stress in liquid form. That's it. That's all we got. Thank you for listening. All right. Try that and follow me. Be good.