What to Say When Texts Go Badly

Ever get a text message that makes you wonder, “What am I even supposed to say to that?” In this episode, I’m breaking down real text messages and emails from people dealing with difficult conversations at work, with family, and in friendships. From passive-aggressive bosses and controlling coworkers to family tension and hurt feelings, I’ll show you what works, what makes things worse, and what you can say instead. Because sometimes, changing just a few words can change the entire conversation. Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Athena: Go to https://athenacom/jefferson and hire a top tier EA. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Today, we're trying something different. I am looking at text messages and emails from people who are having a very difficult time in a conversation, both at work and at home, and they're not sure how to navigate them. And it's my goal here to try and help. So if you have a conversation right now, and it's in text message form or an email that you can screenshot it, there is a link in the description that you can send it to me, and I can help in any way I can navigate, guide, and give advice for how to handle that conversation. Okay, this one is an adult child asking her parents for a doll back that is at her parents' house that she had growing up, and she wants to give it to her daughter.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  This is dad responding. "I talked with mom about the doll. I understand this may bring up sadness or frustration." One, I like that. I like that language. "I understand this may bring up sadness and frustration." Getting that out loud. "This isn't about anger or withholding because we don't see you." I like that language. What this isn't about is X, Y, and Z. "We're just not ready to let go of these memories."

• 1:12Speaker 00

  Man, that's honest. That's a really vulnerable statement. "They represent a time in our family that we miss deeply, including you. I hope you can understand that, even if you don't fully agree."

• 1:26Speaker 00

  I have to say hats off to dad on this statement that says, "I understand, I can see, I sense, here is a time that we miss, and we miss you, and we're having a really hard time that we don't want to let go of these memories." He continues, "Those memories of you kids are precious to us, especially after losing what I assume is a brother, and with your family choosing to remain distant from our lives." Man, that's, that's deep. "The things we still have from when you kids were growing up mean everything to us. They are really all we have left." Phew, that hits.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  "If you ever want to reconnect, we would really welcome that. I'm not trying to pressure you, just leaving the door open." Awesome language. "I pray for this every single day. Love you, dad." Okay, full stop. I, I need to give credit to this dad's text message. There are thousands of kids who wish their father had this amount of emotional empathy, understanding, patience, and to say, "Hey, I see you."

• 2:51Speaker 00

  And I know this is going to bring up frustration. I'm telling you what's going on. The door is open. This is what, this is all we have to bring on to. This is all we have to grab on to. I think this is an excellent text message to be able to piece together. So hats off to him.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Daughter responds fairly. "It is also a very strong source of memories of my childhood, and I wanted to pass it to my children." She ends with, "I'll leave it alone." Now, I like that she adds to the conversation rather than pointing it down. She doesn't attack dad. She adds to the conversation. She says, "It is also," meaning, "Hey, this is also on the table." She doesn't begin with, "No, it's not," or "Who cares," or "I don't care." There's not an attack. It says, "It is also a very strong source of memories of my childhood, and I wanted to pass it on to my children. I will leave it alone." Now, that's her option.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  That's her choice to just simply drop it, leave it alone. You know what? It's not that big of a deal. I'm going to pick my battles. I'm not gonna make a thing of it. And you know what? That's also a very mature way of, of handling this. I approve of that short, concise. She keeps it very brief. "I'll leave it alone," by also saying, "Hey, this is what, something I would have wanted to have for my kids." Another option, should she have wanted to bring this up, is to say, "It's not about the memories or the past that we're holding on to, it's also about the future that we're building." Yeah, of course, they would probably, the parents would, in a heartbeat, replace this doll that they have, these memories, these childhood toys, with an actual relationship with their, their child.

• 4:36Speaker 00

  But that's not going to happen, so they're, they're grasping on to anything. So the deeper question is, is it about the past that you're holding on to? Or is it about the future that you're building with future generations, the future love that you want to put into your life? The, the abundance that there is for you to add, add more with this, this daughter's children and the memories of what she's wanting to have? I need to say, this is a very, I think this is a respectful conversation. I think this seeks understanding and clarity from both sides. And her option to eventually leave it alone is, is hers to choose.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  So I, I'd say bravo to her for realizing it's not a battle she ultimately wants to pick. And I'd say very much kudos to the father for laying this out in a very kind, compassionate way. All right, here we go. Jefferson, you'll love this one. "A person I share a mailbox with, an inbox, email inbox with, reads every email I send, like her sent outbox, and then tells me what to say next time, or what she would have done. I've been in the role three years, and she's been in it longer, that we are on the same level." I shouldn't have responded, I know, but I did. Oh, my gosh, let me see what this is. Okay, here's, here the other lady says, "In case you get more people asking about whether directors can approve things now under the new gations and a bunch of legal jargon."

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Obviously, she only knows this because she reads this lady's outbound sent box.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  This lady says, or the response is, "Oh, I keep forgetting you read every email I send. No time for that." The other lady says, "Oh, not at all. Not all of them." The other lady says, "Not all of them by any means, not even most, only incoming ones generally, not outgoing.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  I only look at the subject line or the first line that's visible as a preview if I happen to pop into the mailbox when it's there. I just saw what they were asking."

• 6:41Speaker 00

  And the response is, "Not reading that." That was her response, "Not reading that." Secretly, I love that. I love that she's like, "Nah, I don't even care. I'm, I'm not reading that. I'm not even, I'm not even giving that the time of day." Here, this lady is, they have a shared email inbox and outbox, and she goes back and reads her sent mail, and then goes on top of her to say, "Hey, this is what you should have said. This is what you should have done." And her response, after getting some lame excuse, is, "I'm not reading that. I'm not reading that."

• 7:18Speaker 00

  Two thumbs up for me. And here's the difference. She's being critiqued by her coworker that's on the same level as she is. It'd be different if she's being micromanaged by a superior, a manager, a boss, but she's being micromanaged by somebody who's doing the same thing that she is.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  There's no reason to be putting up with somebody who's trying to micromanage and control everything about it and going back and saying, "Oh, what you should have said was this, what you, what I would have done is X, Y, and Z, and they're on the same plane as you." I think what this lady says, this message that she's giving, "Not reading that," is saying, "Hey, I'm not, I'm not putting up with that. Well, I'm not going to do that. I'm, I'm in support of this message." And to take this a step further, what the, the person who's sent mail is being read by this coworker, I, I would challenge you to say, have a conversation and begin with, "When you, I feel." Hey, when you come back and tell me what I should have said, or I, what you would have

• 8:18Speaker 00

  said, or some context of that is obviously some attempt to try and sway how I communicate, it makes me feel controlled. It makes me feel micromanaged. It makes me feel like you think I'm incompetent. When you come over in Monday morning quarterback, my own messages, it makes me feel as though you don't think I am competent and capable of performing my job, and that really upsets me. That's an honest conversation, because I can tell from these messages, this is probably somebody who's just a busy, nosy, busybody who is trying to be in everybody's business. Who, it needs to be reminded that that's not helpful and that's not welcome.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  And when you make that very clear through an honest conversation, things can have a way of turning for the better. But this, not reading that, that's a great way to start. All right, this one is about a employee's email to a boss. "Hey, Jefferson, I sent an email to my boss about taking time off the week after my birthday on August 7th. He just sent me this reply. I haven't taken P, I, I haven't taken PTO during the summer, and I've worked in this company for 13 years, never taken PTO during the summer." The response, message, subject line is, "Time off.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  It's your call if you think you have earned the time, and it's appropriate to take a week off for a birthday."

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Talk about a passive aggressive line of text. If it's, it's your call, if you think you've earned this and you think it's appropriate to take a week off for a birthday, man, you get that, you say, yes, actually, I do think it's appropriate. Thank you so much. I was hoping you'd say that. Here's, here's one way to respond to a passive aggressive comment, respond with, it seems like, it sounds like. For example, it sounds like you don't agree with the decision to take time off. It sounds like you have, you disagree with this. It sounds like you have a reason for that statement.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Whenever you say, it seems like, it sounds like you're hinting at, hey, there's something else behind the, the feelings here that you're picking up on that they're not saying. That would require a conversation, require, I would suggest a phone call, an in-person meeting to say, hey, you know that I've been here 13 years, I've been working here a long time. Is there something that I'm missing? Is there something else you would like to see to help you feel like I have earned the time and the appropriateness to take off

• 11:14Speaker 00

  on my PTO, time for my birthday during the summer? Having that conversation, is there any, is there anything else? Is there something that would make you feel more comfortable? I don't, I'm not trying to rock the boat. I'm not trying to create an issue. I want this to be your call to. I want us, this for both of us to be involved in this decision and not to where I feel like it's a yes, and you're going to be resentful, and it's always going to be these backhanded type of, you know, comments like this. Sounds like you disagree with this decision. It feels like you disagree, or you have other feelings

• 11:55Speaker 00

  and opinions on this. Can we meet tomorrow to discuss this on the phone? Can we meet in person to talk about this? And then there you are able to have the conversation of, when I read your, your message, it felt like there were some other feelings that you, it caused you some heartburn, and I want to make sure that's not there. What else could I do to help you feel like I've earned on top of the 13 years I've been here, a week off for my birthday, which I'm certainly not trying to make a habit. I've showed my, my loyalty in that I've been part of this, and I want to be, and I would love it if

• 12:40Speaker 00

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• 13:22Speaker 00

  to athena.com/jefferson and find your dedicated, full-time executive assistant today, right now, athena.com/jefferson, find your executive assistant. And now, let's keep going. Okay, this one is between a mom and an adult son, and the mom is asking the son if the kids, the grandkids, her grandkids, received some postcards that she sent. Context is, they've tried counseling a few years, it didn't go very well, and so they, they don't text and communicate all that often. The mom says, happy Sunday. Did the girls receive their postcards from London? Son responds, I don't know if this relationship can be

• 14:03Speaker 00

  repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards. He could have just said, I don't know, or yes, or no, could just answer, that wasn't an invitation for that sharp of a, of a cut. I mean, that's, that's a very acute angle to come right into. She's asking, did the girls receive their postcards? And it's, I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards. Yeah, that, that's unnecessary, that's hurtful. I would rather you not respond at all to it, or respond

• 14:46Speaker 00

  very briefly and just answer the question rather than sending that, because what you've just done, what the son's done, he just opened up a whole can of worms, which is evidenced by the following. Mom then says, just because you have a problem with me, it would be unfortunate if you let that affect the daughter's relationship with me, her granddaughters. You will have to answer for your choices, so I hope you think about the consequences of your choices. Okay, this is alarm, big alarm number two, okay? If you read how many times she, the mom says you in this, just because you have a problem with me, be fortunate if you let that affect the relationship, you will have to answer for your choices, and I hope you

• 15:28Speaker 00

  think about the consequences of your choices. Six times in two sentences, she mentions the word you. That should send fire alarm sounds, it should be blaring warning signs all across the board, that what, what she's propping up is, is just pouring gasoline on a fire that, that he started, that it was some friction, and now it's going to turn ugly. He says, you don't have a relationship with any of us, that was your decision. If you have no interest in building a healthy relationship, we will not have a relationship. Meanwhile, my man, she just asked, did the girls receive the postcards? And you're already

• 16:10Speaker 00

  shutting it down. I mean, a postcard is just something that's a simple, a thinking, thinking of you. It's, it's not an offensive gesture. You don't have any relationship with any of us, that was your decision. Most likely, that was probably two-way, that's a two-way street there. If you have no interest in building a healthy relationship, we will not have a relationship. Okay, this is, this is getting really, it, it could have just stopped there and let that breathe, but they are sending it rapid fire. And here she goes, I've tried, I've apologized, I have forgiven your over-the-top disrespect, is this you

• 16:53Speaker 00

  had for me as a child. What, I don't know, what more do you want? Man, how many times has that in a family argument caused way more pain? Anything that follows after the question of, what else do you want from me? Does not go well. That's a hypothetical question. That is a fresh, is a question out of anger, out of resentment, out of fear, out of frustration, out of, of loss. Okay? And, and all it says is nothing positive. When, when you, when you face that on the other side of it, at what she has, you used me for this, I did

• 17:36Speaker 00

  this, I did chores, I did this, I did this. You don't need me for anything. That's some, that's some big vulnerable, I feel like that's some big feelings behind all this. You don't need me for anything, now that you are a big shot, so we don't have a relationship, and I have accepted that. So here the son says, you're the reason why we don't have a relationship. And she goes, what are you talking about? What else do you want from me? I've done everything. You're the reason why. No, you're the reason why we don't have a relationship. So both of them are pointing towards you, you, you, and they're escalating this. Now, I'm, I'm seeing for the first time, at least some better language to this. And, and it's this, the son says, I'm not having this conversation via text, and I'm

• 18:20Speaker 00

  not having it right now. Man, I wish he would have taken that sentence and moved it way up to the top. If he wasn't in, if he wasn't in a place to have this, you could have spared a lot of problems by that sentence and putting it at the top. I wish, I wish this, this was the only sentence of this response. It wasn't. He enter new paragraph. Oh, I've never heard an apology or even acknowledgement that you realize how toxic your words and actions have been, including these today. Enter new paragraph. Again, I'm not interested in an unhealthy relationship. You aren't entitled to access to me or my family. That's

• 18:59Speaker 00

  true. Get help. Please stop texting me. Oh, okay. When you tell somebody, get help, please, get help. Do you think they put any blame on themselves? Do you think that all of a sudden you become the white knight of like, hey, be well, please, get help for yourself, stop texting me? Well, it's easy to say, please stop texting me after, you know, looks like four different responses by him engaging in, in the communication. If he had just said, I'm not having this conversation via text right now, I, I will communicate with you later, period. That would have saved so much harm than what he

• 19:40Speaker 00

  just did. Here she says, love is a choice. I choose to love you. I like that. But from a distance, because I don't deserve any more abuse ever from anybody. Man.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  There's something to be said for the text and response that goes too far. Because it creates so much more damage. It's like compound interest. It's the pain is compounded, the anger, the frustration, the hurt compounds. People have this all the time with parents and adult children where there's miscommunication. And that is, what do you want from me? I've done all this, I've done all that. Here's what I would have wanted to see. When she says, happy Sunday, did the girls receive their postcards from London? I would have wanted to see either, one, hey, I'd rather not have this conversation via text. I'll communicate with you a little bit later.

• 20:34Speaker 00

  I would have rather seen a simple answer to her question. Yes, they did. Thank you. And leave it at that. Or three, just leave it alone for a few days and respond later when you're more controlled. Not in a, if I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards. That is a slam the door in your face and totally is opposite of the person that says, hey, you haven't apologized to me and you're the one that needs to get help. And if you have no interest in building a healthy relationship, we will not have a relationship. In other words, hey, this is all on you.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  Here, at least she's trying and the door just got slammed in her face. And also she says some things that did not help her.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Don't communicate on text with these type of issues. It creates pain and it creates a record. It creates a historic record that you go back and you look at this text message. And when you're, when you're upset, you go back and look at it and you're hurt again. And every time you talk to them, you, you go back and you look at it again and you keep it with you. And it becomes the, remember when you said this? I want to emphasize, I don't know all the context. I don't know in the past what this mother has done or what this son has done. I'm only reading the text message and the message as it comes and looking at it from a communication standpoint. So when he says, I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  What that tells me is that there are much deeper feelings at play. He responded so hot, he came on so strong to a simple question of did the girls receive their postcards from London? He, he, he took what was a, a level one question and turned it into a level 13 response. And that disparity, that difference says there are much bigger issues at play and we just don't know about those. And in truth, I can see both sides. I can see from the grandmother's side of saying, hey, I, I want a relationship with my granddaughters. I also see that the son is absolutely entitled to say, hey, look, I, I, I'm not giving you access to my grandkids right now.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  This is, this is where we are as a family and I, I can respect both sides here. I can understand both sides. What I'm looking at is the way in which words are being used to either gain connection or pull it apart. Okay, this is a DM from somewhat, somebody talking about a friend's daughter. My friend's daughter is 22, living at home, studying law and working at a law firm. She works very hard, but does not help at home or pay rent for food or accommodation. Recently, the mom has asked her daughter to pay rent like $50 a week. Daughter paid one week and now is 10 days late for the next week.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  Mom sent a text to remind her to pay and daughter replied, why can't you just be a nice person?

• 23:44Speaker 00

  Just wonder what your response would be, Jefferson. Daughter is very offhand, like not a good relationship with mom. And while she works very hard at her job in the law firm, she's also very entitled and a bit on edge. She seems to take everything out on her mom. If you get the message, if somebody asks you, why can't you just be a nice person? There are some ways that we can handle this. When somebody asks, why can't you be a nice person? What they're really saying is, hey, why can't you just do what I want you to do? Why can't you just be compliant?

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Why can't you just be a nice person? And, and, and make me comfortable. Right? Your job, if, if by being nice, it's to make the other person comfortable, then no, we're not going to be nice. If nice means I have to put aside everything that I do and make my life and my emotions all about you, no, then I'm, I'm not going to be a nice person. If I have to make sure that I can't do a thing without passing it by you. And that's, that's what requires it to be nice, then no, I'm not going to be a nice person. Why can't you just be a nice person?

• 25:07Speaker 00

  I would encourage her to respond, I'm not being nice, I'm being respectful. Another response could be, I'm not being nice, period. I'm being kind, period. And I'm letting you know that to live in this house and to afford what we have, rent is due on this day.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  No fight, no tussle, no, hey, why don't you, this is just like you, you're lazy, you don't contribute, all of that, that garbage. You don't want to be nice. There is a difference between being nice and being kind. Nice says, I'm concerned about the pleasantries, about being polite, about sweeping everything under a rug. We're not going to mention that. I can't be, I can't be nice. Nice is concerned about the surface. I, I, I have to be nice. I can't tell them the truth. That's not nice. Kind is related to the word kin. It's deep, it's connection. It says, kind says, or nice says, I can't tell you that. I can't tell you the truth because that's not nice. Kindness says, I care about you enough to tell you the truth.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  So you don't want to be nice. You want to be kind. So when somebody says, why can't you be a nice person? Meaning, why can't you, why you can't just be nice? Why can't you make me comfortable?

• 26:28Speaker 00

  I would encourage a, I'm not trying to be nice, period. I'm being kind, period. And let the conversation go where it needs to. Okay, this one is between very old friends. One of them is now living out of state, comes to visit in town and asks me, so when are we going to hang out? This friend never has any suggestions and almost always needs a ride. Obviously, I use a Jefferson standard reply, but what do you think, Jefferson, was the appropriate response? Okay, I'm looking at the, the, the text message here.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  The question is, hey, what day are you going? Hey, I'll be there Saturday. Response is, well, I have plans Saturday. Okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry. Right? And then the response from the friend is, you always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're even friends anymore. And then the response from the person who sent this, they use, did you mean for that statement to hurt me?

• 27:35Speaker 00

  I like that response. All right, here's some things that are going on. One, it's friendship we're talking about here and very old friends. So you know, it goes back a long way. What I want you to read when it's, you always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're not friends anymore. What do you hear in that statement? What do you hear in that statement? Is it anger? Is it really anger? What's that also tied to? Sadness, frustration, sadness. I, I wanted to see you. I'm let down. I'm frustrated. I, I want, I expected, I hoped to see you and it's not going to work out. And so you're the only person I have to lash out against. You always have an excuse. They use that absolute word of always, which is not true. So that's an indicator right there of where their emotions are.

• 28:20Speaker 00

  You always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're even friends anymore. That's just internal, you know, internal dialogue that says, hey, I'm hurt. Her statement, question, did you mean for that statement to hurt me? What I love about that is you did a great job of putting the spotlight back onto them. Okay, instead of a, really? I, you could have argued against the always, could have said, I, I don't always have an excuse. You know what you did last time and get into an argument or, yeah, I don't even know why we're friends anymore either. Yeah, you know what? Forget you and just let's, let's stop being friends. You didn't do that. By using the question, the, the stuff that I talked about, did you mean for that statement to hurt me?

• 29:04Speaker 00

  Great job of, you're not even responding to the content of this guy's text. You're, you're responding to the intent to it. And the friend is not responding to this yet. So I'm very curious of how he would respond. Here's one thing I would, that there's nothing wrong with this question. If I could add something else to it, maybe something you would want to say afterwards or say in its place is this. I'm sad and frustrated that I don't get to see you too.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  It makes me upset that we're going to miss each other too.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  I'm mad that we don't get to hang out too.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  See, instead of fighting, trying to make them feel something else and tell them how they should feel. When you say, you know what? Gosh, I'm, I'm, I'm bad about it too.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  It, it, it has a way of bringing connection and understanding because you're affirming and acknowledging that very feeling that they have. Something that you should share, right? I'll say, what kind of set it off if I'm, if I'm the other person? Says, okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry. That's a pretty flippant response. It's a pretty flippant response. We, I may ask you the question, could you have said something a little better? Could you have put a little bit more effort in time in that response? And if you had, would you have gotten maybe a little bit different response in return? If I'm looking at the start of the message, says, when is that? What day are you going? What day are you going?

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Say, hey, the tent will be here Saturday. I said, maybe. I don't know for sure. In other words, you're saying, I, I might be there. I'll be there Saturday. I told these other people, maybe, I'm not really sure if I'm going to be there. His response is, I have plans Saturday. Bummer.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  You could have said, oh, man, that's, that's a bummer. I'm going to miss you. That makes me sad. That, that's, that makes me bummed out. Instead you said, okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  That's going to get a defensive response. One, because it's not a real apology. It's you saying, well, okay, deal with it. It's like a sorry of like, yeah, sorry, well, deal with it. It's not an actual apology and you go, okay, well, that's my schedule. Okay, well, that's what I got. So good luck. That's going to come back and to me, no wonder they, they came back a little

• 31:40Speaker 00

  a bit, bit at you a little bit. No wonder they growled.

• 31:45Speaker 00

  You always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're not even friends. So while I'll say, props to you for using the, did you mean for that statement to hurt me? I think we could have avoided this situation altogether, had your first text not been, okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry. If you had voiced the feeling of, oh, man, you have plans Saturday, that's the only day I can meet, man. This is gonna, that's, that's crushing. That's heartbreaking. That, that totally bums me out. That way you could have at least been able to share in that mutual feeling rather than making them feel as though they're out of wits end and feeling like they're the only ones that's rowing the friendship boat.