The Basement Yard
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Welcome back to the basement yard. Big red. Big red today. I don't really wear red that often, but I feel like it's a red day. It's a red day, it works for you. I think it works. You got a little red on.
I got a little red on.
You're always promoting on this show.
I haven't said anything. I haven't done anything.
You were like this!
I was pointing at the red.
He's a promoter.
Absolutely shameless. You know, like... That's strike one, I think, right? Yeah, yeah. Could we agree on that? We'll see what happens if he strikes out this episode. Big red, like one of your favorite sticks of gum?
Yeah, I like it.
I mean, you were a Hot Tamale's whore, dude. I was a Hot Tamale's whore. You would sit and spin for Hot Tamale's. I would. I would throw a couple in there, you know what I mean? Why do people say "sit and spin"?
You know what I did the other day?
You sat and spun?
Nope.
But do you remember this? Like, Nicole had no idea what I was talking about, but I was like, "Sit on it and rotate." Do you remember that?
What? No, sorry, brother.
Well, I know sit and spin. I don't want to do it to you, but sit and spin.
Oh, I've heard sit and spin. I also heard this was the Chinese middle finger, remember that? I thought this was the Chinese middle finger. One of them. I think this is made up. But you don't remember someone giving you the finger, being like, "Sit on it and rotate"? I mean, rotates more sexual than spin. Well, that's the point. Because there's like, rolling to it, you know what I mean? I think, I think rotating is slower than spinning. Spinning's like... I mean- Demonic. I guess in- Demonic? I'm thinking of like the, the, what's her name? The Exorcist. Was she spinning? Her head spun. Her head spun. Technically, it rotated, though. Yeah. And there's a difference between revolving. Revolving goes around, rotating spins on an axis.
Before I, you know, get into the physics of that, a revolving door, to me, is so stupid. I kinda love revolving doors. They're like little like, they're, it's like a fun way to enter and leave a building. I, you know what? It is fun, but I feel like it just slows everything up. I, well, because like, they've nev- they have not perfected the speed at which you go through a revolving door. It should be a little quicker. Like, you need, like, I always feel like I can rush through this thing, but then I, it stops me. There's like- Yeah, I'm like this. Oh, that? That's what you do? I'm like, I'm at like a jog. I hate the, the self revolving doors, like at the airport. Bro. I don't, I don't like those- One mile an hour spin!
Because like, I stop, and then I take two steps, and then I have to stop and take two steps, and then like, as soon as it opens, I like sneak through it, like, get me the fuck out of here. Also, automatic doors, open earlier. I am like, two inches from this door, and it's still closed. Vehemently disagree. I think automatic doors, like, double doors. Not like, not like, uh, single automatic doors, like, the double, where you can use the force and open them. I think those are peak design. You stick your hand out? Still to this day. Oh. Ooh. Alright. We'll blur it. It's alright. Believe it or not- We'll blur it! Believe it or not, a lot of people aren't as upset about that as you'd think nowadays. Jesus Christ. Morbid Frank. That's some political commentary for you guys. Bang!
No, but like, still to this day, I'll, I'll walk up, and like, by myself, not with the kids, I'll walk up and I'll just be like, "Open!" No, I don't do it like that. I go- Oh my god, you're such a nerd.
Do you want a fun fact about revolving doors? It's not that fun.
Go ahead.
Well, now, now, hold on, now it better be so fun.
So, it's not for speed of entry or anything like that, it's to prevent outside air and noise and dirt from entering the building. Because you know how you open a door and you get a draft?
I feel like if anything, that does the opposite because it takes big gulps of outside air. Because like, once that door comes in, it's like...
It's, that's kinda true, and then it, it's making that sound. It's like...
It shooms it.
Yeah.
It does. And I don't think that there's any-
That's gotta be a slur in German.
Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.
Do one more time?
No, I don't want to upset the Germans. Remember what happened last time?
Oh god, yeah, that was tough.
I need to hear it to be able to check, so you want to do it one more time?
No, no, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I don't think those things are, like, well-ventilated either. Like, there is a, depending on the size of this, like, revolving door, you get in, and you're like hotboxing steam and fucking musk.
Also, they should be bigger.
I'm in a little tiny triangle pizza in here, and I'm, I'm, I'm stuck. You know what I mean? I don't like it.
Yeah, I agree.
And if the person in front of you, bro, have you ever been, I almost broke my nose in a revolving door once.
It stopped on you?
Because a woman in front of me, I guess she, I don't know what she was doing, but she like ran into the door and it stopped the whole mechanism and I kept going.
Well, yeah, there's like certain ones, like the ones at the mall, not the mall, excuse me, the airport, where like, if you touch it, it'll, it'll just like seize up.
It jams, yeah.
And stop everything.
I don't like that.
I think that the theory, like, the, the, the belief, or the logic, or the
concept-
If you say one more, or the, I'm gonna wrap the phone wire around your neck.
Of a revolving door is there. It's great. Execution has been missing something.
You know what I do like? You know when some doors have a pad outside and when you step on the pad, it opens?
Where's this guy going? Billionaire building or us?
It's pretty rare, it's pretty rare.
I don't think I've ever, the only time I've seen that is like during Halloween, where it'll have like a jump scare activated like welcome mat and they'll say like, "Enter if you dare", and you step on it and it fucking like pops out at you.
I feel like, I don't even know if that's true, but I feel like that is, like if I could step on a mat-
When's the last time you went to like a Spirit Halloween or one of those stores?
Ooh, I haven't been to a Spirit Halloween in a long time, because I order my costumes online.
Oh, no, I went to a Party City, does that count? I mean, Party City in the 90s was the coolest place to be during Halloween. Do you remember going and seeing all those masks and being like, "Bill Clinton, a werewolf",
Ronald Reagan.
Ronald Reagan, "It the Clown, love it here",
Now it's, "Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton", it's all the people-
Yeah, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, which, I wouldn't-
Yeah, I don't think we're allowed to wear that.
Yeah, I wouldn't.
But yeah, those are very interesting.
But you, so, go to like a Spirit Halloween, like Headquarters is in New Jersey, it's open year round. I haven't been to that one, but apparently it's like an amusement park for like-
You can go to the HQ?
Yeah, you can go to the Spirit Halloween HQ and it's like crazy shit.
What do they do all year round?
Well, they're developing and creating and designing-
Yeah, Mario, Luigi and a slutty nun.
Well, it's not just the costumes, because those are market, those are like third party that they have to get the license for, but like their own decorations and animatronics and stuff like that.
Oh, yeah.
And also like the ones that they can't get the licensing for, so like they won't get from Netflix K-pop Demon Hunters, but it'll be like, "Korean pop star bad guy getters", you know, and they'll look exactly-
Mario and Luigi, it's Plumber, and then it's Plumber's brother, and it's, but they look like-
Really?
Yeah, I mean- You gotta go, those places are cool because like, some of those animatronics are pretty intense, dude. Like, they're like hundreds if not thousands of dollars. And people just put them on their front lawn to get, you know, eggs thrown at them and shit like that.
Some people, there's a house in Astoria that like, sometimes when I go to my mom's and I'll drive home, it's on like 21st Street, and like right by the Astoria projects, there's someone that has like, not even like a big front lawn, but it's like an older house, so it has a yard. And they have a, I'm not kidding, it's gotta be 20 feet tall-
Skeleton.
It's massive. And there's another thing, and I don't remember what it was, but I'm like, where do they put that? In the offseason?
I have no, I mean, I'm sure it comes apart and folds and stuff like that because they're, they're just.
It looks like bones. I don't think it's like blown up. It looks like.
No, well, yeah, yeah, I know which one you're talking about. They're huge. There was one, I remember I would see all the time that they put a Donovan McNabb jersey on it. I was like, okay.
That's so random.
Yeah, but they're, they're fucking hu- and now they do it where it's like, bro, I remember there was one guy that I had seen once, taking the kids to a kid treating that had like a thirty foot, like tall, like evil pumpkin skeleton thing. And I'm like, yo, that's gotta be hundreds of dollars. And it wasn't a big house. It was like a little ranch. Like that's, that's a lot of fucking shit to have to store.
Or like a Jack Skellington, Jack Skelton? John?
Come on.
It's Jack Skeleton?
No.
Jack Skelton?
Nope. No, don't, don't.
I think you had it the first time. Jack Ske- oh, Jack Skellington.
There it is.
John Skelton. I'm thinking of the quarterback.
You remember him? John Skelton?
Wasn't it his name? John Skelton? He played for the Cardinals or something.
I don't remember.
I'll try.
Who that was.
I don't know.
Um, but yeah, dude, go into a Spirit Halloween, just play around a little bit. It's fine.
I mean, there's none around me. There's, there's one that opens up like in October in like Williamsburg. So I've, I haven't been in there though, but.
Just give it, just give it a gander. Go in there.
It's kind of a cool.
I love.
Thing they got where it's like, we don't, we close down stores, but then we like, we're back when it's time, you know?
Yeah, yeah. And they, bro, they get them shits up quick. Like they'll be like, Spirit Halloween coming in a week. And then it's the most insane place up.
Yeah, it's, it's crazy.
Do they have big bowls of like loose candy? Cause I enjoy that about Party City. It's like, here's, it's twenty five cents and it's just like a giant bowl of like wrapped.
Oh, I don't, I don't know, but like.
They, they have the one that I, I never got it, but I thought about getting it one year. It's like a bowl and it's meant to be a candy bowl, but it has a motion sensor in it. And like you put, you go to get it and like a creepy hand like grabs your hand or some shit like that.
I love creepy stuff.
For, for Christmas one year, I had this prank box. You would love it.
Oh, I know which ones you're talking about.
Pull it and it looks like a spider.
Oh, I don't know that one.
It's like, it just looks like a box and my, and I gave it to my mom. My mom cries anytime you get her anything. So, uh, as she started crying, I was like, oh my God, this is gonna be so good. And then I was like.
Oh my god, what if she has a heart attack? Like immediately, that's where my head went. Yeah. And we gave her this little box and then she slides it. And then the, it looks like a, it comes out fast. And a spider and she screamed and I was like, alright, she's good, she's alive. I learned about pranks, uh, gifts after I broke my grandmother's finger with a, a, a gum mousetrap. It was one of those, have you ever, did you ever see those?
I've seen them.
You pull the gum and it snaps. Pull the gum and it snapped and it broke my grandmother's finger. Did it break it immediately? Like was it like crushing there, like gross? It was a seventy-eight-year-old woman's finger. Yeah. It was broken for fucking eight years at that point, probably. Oh. But I'll tell you this. Did it turn black? Yeah. Oh god. Yeah, of course it did. Bruised up. Yeah, it was, it wasn't great.
Imagine thinking, you're gonna have a lovely piece of gum and then that results in a broken finger.
Well, imagine being eighty and thinking you're safe from that too. Which is a fair assumption. Yeah, like that age group is like, we made it through the wor- to, a world war, the Korean War, Vietnam, I'm in my golden years, I'm enjoying my time with my grandkids, here comes my incredible grandson. This little piece of shit. Yeah. Grandma, take a, take a piece of juicy fruit.
It just fucking slapped her head. Pulverizes her fucking poor index finger. Did she scream? Yeah. You got in trouble. Probably. Yeah, your mom was barfed, I know that she did. I don't, I don't remember it. Oh my god, that's so funny. But to bring it back to what you were saying, I don't remember sit and rotate. Oh wow, that's how this started. Yeah, I don't remember that. I do remember read between the lines, do you remember that one? Yeah.
Read between the lines.
You didn't have any cool?
I didn't have that one.
How'd you tell people to go fuck themselves if you were young and couldn't curse? Oh, he's probably, he's big balls, remember? He'd be like, I just said it and they didn't do anything.
What is?
No, it was just the, it was just the finger.
Do you remember, yo, you just awakened a fucking, like, I forgot about this.
By grabbing my dick?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember when people as like a fuck you would just grab their dick at them? Yeah. What the fuck was that? Hey, hey! They'd be like this, they'd, they'd go, hey yo, oh!
Suck it! You just unlocked something from me. You remember that?
The dicks are unlocking fuck.
There was, there was one time we were in front of a diner and it was just me and my friend. And this jogger was running by, just grazed one of my friends, screamed, turned around and did that. It's like, we're children.
Yeah, like, it was such a dick, like, it was like, hold my dick, remember Marshawn Lynch did it when he scored that beast mode touchdown? He like jumped and he like held his dick like.
That's a weird, like, let's break that.
Break it down?
Oh, I thought you said, let's bring it back. No, that's weird. Like, I got you, hold my dick.
Huh?
It's an interesting, uh, it felt right when Marshawn did it, though.
He earned, he earned it because his dick was, that run is crazy.
Crazy.
It's one of those things that like, it's like a diss that you don't fully understand. I remember there was one time, I don't know if you were there, but I know like Dominic was there. And we're sitting outside with PS2 and it's at night, and we're young, we're like, I don't know, 13, 14 or something like that. And this car pulls up and this girl rolls down the window. And she goes, she's clearly drunk, and she goes, "You're a horse, you're a horse, and you're a horse."
You're a horse?
You're a horse. And then, and then Dominic just goes, "Thank you." And she drove away. And I was like, "What just happened right now?"
I don't understand.
"You're a horse, you're a horse, and you're a horse."
I don't remember a horse being a diss.
Dude, I have no idea. I was so confused. I was like, what the fuck does that mean?
That's such a weird one. I also, I, I now get it, but like, even still, this. Like, up yours. Yeah, like, that just seems too aggressive for what you're saying. Like, "Hey, buddy."
I think it's like an ultimate middle finger or something.
No, it's like, it's like shove it up your ass.
Yeah, blow it out your ass.
No, that would be a different one. Shove it up, so I think your ass is your hand that's slapping your bicep.
Oh, and then, and then this is.
We, I, but that one I don't remember as much.
We, what, like, where do these things come from? What was like the diss when you kids were in school?
I don't know. Like, I, I don't know.
Alright. I don't, I don't know, I can't remember.
I don't know. I don't know.
We're hard, like, you know.
You know what I was thinking about this morning?
Oh boy, this will be good.
I was just gonna say that like when you're young
and you're, you're a group of white people, balls are like a big part of that. You know what I mean? Like, it's a weird sentence to say.
Thank you.
But like, people are constantly pulling their balls out.
Dude.
Check the time and it's like your balls are on your wrist.
Yes.
Like, I can't tell you how many, how many of my friends put their balls on their wrists and say, "Yo, what time is it?" And I'm like, and now I'm looking at their balls. And I'm like, "Why am I looking at balls?"
Yeah, dude, thank you for saying that because as, as a, a, you know, a film lover, a lover of film, a cinephile as people may call me, as I just got done watching all the Jackass content. Like, all that stuff, like I look at it and remember, like I see it now and I'm just like, "Yeah, that's kinda crazy that like, you're pulling your boy's balls out to like, so he could pee." That is crazy. That is crazy.
Wait, what? Wait, what are you talking about?
There's one part where like, uh, Ryan Dunn pulls, like Bam is wearing a fat suit and he like pulls his stuff out so he could pee. I agree, that's crazy.
Oh, we didn't do that.
I know we didn't do that. I know we didn't do that. I know we didn't do that.
You're gonna judge your own balls.
I know we didn't do that. But I'm saying like, it was a thing for like teenage boys, you'd just be like, "Here are my balls."
I just tricked you into looking at my balls.
And you're gay for doing it.
For looking at my balls.
Not me, the one that
Wants you to look.
Wants you. And also, logic stands
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To reason that if you did the whole like, "Got you to look at my balls" thing, there were times where they didn't and then you were just sitting there with your balls on your wrist.
Your balls on your wrist, it's insane. Did you guys show each other your balls?
I saw a lot of balls.
Well, he didn't show his. That would be like giving a free ticket to Disneyland.
Dan's like, "Look at these balls."
There was, there was one time where my friend was drunk and he was peeing in the cold outside, and he couldn't get the dick and balls back in his pants, because he was just stumbling. And his girlfriend came, fully grabbed them all, and put them back in his pants. And to me, I felt like that was love.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you have a very flawed view of it.
But also, what, what do you mean, "he was stumbling"? Was he on ice skates?
It was, it was like winter and it was cold and he was just drunk and he couldn't get it back in, his pants.
So he was sober enough to pee, standing?
But he wasn't sober enough to just...
The jeans caught under the balls, and once that happens, it's, "What are you gonna do?"
Very, very simply, yeah.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it, but there was someone there to help.
I think he was just looking for an excuse to get his girlfriend in touch.
No, he didn't say anything. We were trying, we were all like, "Please put it away", like, and he just couldn't.
Oh, he was just standing around with his whole thing out?
He was stumbling.
And he's like, "I can't, I can't figure it out, I'm so confused."
Yep.
I don't know, that sounds, that sounds a little fishy to me.
I'm in.
But yes, balls was a big part of like, your childhood, growing up with your boys, dude.
This is disgusting.
It is gross, but like, there's like, there's a certain dynamic that like, large male friend groups have, that like, to the outside world, and once you say it, like, out loud when you're older, it's like, "What the fuck?"
Yeah, I don't know.
But like, that's what it was.
What a time.
What a time to be alive.
What a time. Honestly, insane.
And then Joey would show his balls and ask people to sit and rotate on them.
No, sit on my balls? Have you ever accidentally sat on your balls? Dude, I sat on my ball, I have only sat on my balls like, twice in my life.
So much, dude.
Because I, yeah, yeah, I'm sure, big balls over there.
So good.
I'm not even gonna ask you, you'd probably sit on them right now.
It hurts.
But I sat on my balls one time. It must have been just humid out and they were like, you know when your balls are like, "Yeah, we're getting down here."
I mean, just like there are good and bad hair days. You got good and bad dick days.
Bald days.
Dick and bald days.
And, I mean, there have been, you know, there have been times where they're just a rowdy group and they just want to get out and chill a little bit.
They're like off-leash.
They're off-leash. I think that's the exact way to put it.
Yeah, I sat on it and it just like, man, that just hurts so bad. It's like someone takes a thumb and like, puts it right into a bruise.
Do you remember, do you remember the thing that people would do where they would kick their leg out and slap their balls against their thigh? And it would be like,
Wait, what? You don't remember that?
Kick their leg out?
Yeah, there was like a thing, my cousin used to do it. I can't even picture it. Yeah, my cousin used to do it and it was like, he would like kick his leg out to the side, like that. And like, I guess the,
I'm not a phys-
He was like a pendulum?
I'm not a phys-assist.
This guy's built like a grandfather clock?
Yeah, he is. And it like would smack his balls against his thigh and it would like, make a, like a clapping noise.
And he would do it all the time?
Yeah, and it was like a thing that, that he could do. I almost dropped his name, but I didn't.
Could you do it?
Is it one of these things? Cause I can't do that.
Yeah, I can do that. But that's what it sounded like. But like, not like repeatedly, but it would be like, "Yo."
That feels disrespectful.
Yo. Yeah, dude, and I remember just be like, "That's pretty cool."
Can you do that?
I can't. I know what you're talking about. I can't. I can do it with this hand, not this hand.
Can you show me?
So you like limp your, your, your forefinger and you grab, you know-
Do I grab hard?
You two sweet it? You don't, you can. Actually, no, it's probably a softer. And then you just kinda-
I can't.
I can't do it with this one.
How can you not do it with, why?
Have you ever broken that finger?
No, I've jammed both my ring fingers, but...
That's nothing.
The only reason, the only... The only reason I learned how to do that was because I went to college with a bunch of kids that, uh, did, uh, dip.
Like, chaw, whatever. And I would make fun of them, and in making fun of them, I, I was able...
You learned how to do it?
I was able to do it. Because they would have the, like, oh, I thought it was there, but like, they'd have that, like, tin.
And they would, "Oh, fuck!"
You gotta do it without toids.
And then they would just fucking, no, because that rings around, like, the tobacco doesn't.
Ah.
And they would just be like, "I just got, I'm ripping a fat fucking gagger right now." That's what they'd call it.
That's a tough sentence.
That is. And they would sit, oh, god, it was so gross.
Sit there and spit in a cup.
They'd sit there with a cup and a paper towel crumbled at the bottom of it, and they would...
Yeah, I don't like that at all. I mean, to be fair, you spit into a cup, too.
Sunflower seeds, baby.
Better than, I'm not, also not spitting like...
It is better.
It's not, well, health-wise, yes, but also, like, they're just spitting spit. Like, my, my spitting sunflower seeds is just the shell, like, there's a little bit of moisture on there.
You ever pack lips?
I did not, no.
Fat chaws?
No, but it's hard...
Cheek me, chaw me?
It's hard to sound cool calling them gaggers.
Especially in, like, 2012, where...
You know what I could use right now? A gagger.
I need to pack a lip, just a giant fucking chaw fat gagger.
Isn't it like you swallow, you throw up?
Yeah, you can get very sick, yeah. Because you're swallowing, like, just like flavored tobacco.
I would make fun of people by, naturally, I'd put teabags in there.
Did you?
Yeah, and it...
You like it?
It's kinda good.
It probably has a similar effect.
Uh, I can almost guarantee it doesn't.
Okay. Who was rolling around on the floor laughing that you had teabags in your mouth?
Like who was, what was that for?
I think it was just to make fun of them.
I also don't remember this.
It was in college, it was when I was in college. It happened at another school, people you never met, you know.
Yeah, you know.
Oh, your old girlfriend?
Yeah, from Canada, you know, goes through another school.
Uh, yeah, no, but those, I remember those people, like those New England boys, thought they were from Alabama and they were packing lips.
Packing lips and sucking tits. That's college, baby.
Maybe, I guess.
Sucking boobs and
showing your balls to dudes. Gaggers. Don't write gaggers down. I'm writing my notes, it's my notes.
Don't write, don't write gaggers.
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More, more content.
That's kind of like when you, you're like losing your virginity. It's like, you know, I think I'm ready to give you more of me. I don't know if that's my line.
I'm saying that's not my line. Whose line is it? Oh, like
Whose line is it anyway?
In the heterosexual sexual encounter.
It's the female one.
Who would be like, you know what?
Sometimes hearing flirting, even though you see it's working, is a little tough to hear from the outside.
Hearing flirting is tough. It's tough. I don't admire, like not admire, I do admire. I don't like, I can't imagine people that have to like write romantic movies.
Oh.
Because like there's like the intimacy that you have to like, things that you say or do might not translate well to like the written word. Does that make sense?
I
Like how you're saying like, I'm ready to give you more of me. Like if you heard that, you might be like, sick.
I mean, if I'm in the moment, you could say whatever.
Yeah?
Not whatever.
I mean, I don't know why I'm asking like I'm gonna try. Yeah, bro. You said that like you're about to test me.
Yeah? How about this?
No, I don't know, but do you have you ever been out at a restaurant or a bar and you, you can hear that someone's on a first date?
And you're kind of like, I don't even like you're, I'm sitting across from you, but I don't even care. I'm listening to this.
Or I, and I love playing the game of, oh, that worked. Oop, that did.
I love that.
Is this going well or not going well?
A hundred percent. I've become like a relationship guru. Witnessing another person on a first date and just be like, oh, look at the body language.
You know?
She's not into it. She's not into it.
Oh, ordered the lobster. Okay.
Maybe she's back in.
Alright.
It's like, who's gonna pay?
I'm never around for the check, but I do like listening to conversations. I hate going to a restaurant, well, I kind of love it and hate it. But if I go to a restaurant and they put people right here, like when it's very close, I feel like now I gotta whisper my conversation.
I hate that.
And there's also a weird part of me that like feels like you need to acknowledge the people that are sitting that close to you.
Cause they're like in your view.
Because like, fuck in view, but like they're basically within arm, you know, reach.
Yeah, our weenuses are touching.
It's a weenie touch.
You feel like, I feel like you're a starter of like, oh, that looks good. Like that's how you would start that.
I, I have, I, you know what, I have done that and just been like, oh my, you see what they got? You know, like, I would never do like, that right there. So just, mm.
Yeah, just be like, can I just?
What I, you know what we should do?
I definitely scope out the food that's arriving at tables to be like, oh, that's the potatoes?
I'll be honest with you, if I, I'm, I'm not even just a visual scoper of food. If I hear food come out sizzling, I'm like, what was that?
Cause I know it's a gimmick, like they cook it on the thing and then they just put it on a wooden tray and then they send it out, but like, the sizzle adds a lot to me. So if someone's sitting next to me and I see sizzle on the table, I'm kind of in.
Or if you go to a restaurant and it's like, they make something next to your table, I'm like, I want the show. Give me the show.
Oh, you want to pay for the, the?
I want to show, show up, make the thing, like, pour anything.
Tableside guac?
Yeah, something like that.
Here's the thing that is tough about that though. Every time I've gotten tableside guac, it's done by someone that hates doing it. So like, they're just like.
So you turn into like a construction worker, you go, oh, smile, boy.
Yeah, smile for me. Give me a smile.
This should be better if you shake your hips while you did it, sweetheart.
I'm giving you a compliment, I'm saying you're pretty.
Oh, what? So now I can't tell you to look happy?
It's just like they, like, I, I know what you're saying, the theory of like table side food prepared for you is nice. But they do it with such a puss on their face that like, it's not even worth it for me. Now I don't even want this.
I also just feel so self-conscious about having conversations. Like if I'm out with Nicole and we're talking about something, especially if it's like, meaningful is not the right word, but like something that I wouldn't want random people to hear, but they're right there. It's kind of like, now I'm gonna tongue like this and I'm gonna like,
You know, cause it's weird. You're right here, you're gonna listen to my shit.
Dude, I can name, like definitely there have been like conversations, people are trying to spark and I'm just like, not here. And I'll be honest with you, I'll be honest with you, like it is like more difficult now that like, people recognize us when we go places. So like, I don't want something I'm saying to be taken out of context.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? That actually happened to me once where someone thought I was listening to them.
What?
I told you this.
I won't say who it was or where it was, what it was about, because I don't want to expose anyone or anything. But I was at our old job at the Navy Yard.
Out, oh.
Our old job at Target.
Yeah, I was like, where did we work?
At the old, the old office and I was sitting there and there was a celebrity that came by and,
Oh, right.
And I didn't hear any of their conversation, but they were like, they were there, I was here and then midway through, like, I like, she said like, hey, by the way, I love it. Big fan. Keep going. Congrats on the success. And then I kept eating my lunch and then another like 15 minutes went by and they said like, hey, um, if you had heard me say anything, you know, please don't, like, I don't know if you're press. And I was like, oh, I didn't hear anything. Don't, don't worry about it. But like, even if I did, I wouldn't say anything.
I mean, I guess you gotta worry if you're like an actual celebrity to people being like, I heard so and so saying this about blah, blah, blah.
Well, yeah, I mean, there's a whole fucking Perez Hilton and TMZ and Page Six, like that's their whole thing is like gossip columns, right?
Meanwhile, I mean, I'm at dinner, like all I want to do is talk some shit and eat a Branzino. And I can't do that because you're right here.
That's why I gotta say the times that I've been to dinners, whether it be like little pizzerias where like, they're like, we got the room in the back. Unbelievable, because you get the experience of being in a restaurant and you get a little bit of privacy.
Yeah, or I like being against the wall, because it's like now we could use the wall, I gotta tell you a secret against the wall.
My dad was that guy. My dad was the guy that any restaurant we went into, he asked for the, the, the table all the way in the back corner. And he wanted to sit where he could see everything. And I was like, who are you?
Yeah, Jason Bourne, you're gonna take everyone out, dad?
Who are you, dad? You're an overweight Colombian that has no fucking working needs. You're fine.
I just like to see lay of land. What do you, so let me ask you guys, when you go to a restaurant, right, with your counterpart? And it's a booth chair, what are we doing?
You want the honest answer?
I want the booth. You're not supposed to have the booth. I want the booth.
Right, why do you want the booth?
It's just comfortable.
For your butt?
Yeah, it's just more comfortable. And also I like Frankie's dad, I like looking out.
Okay.
But if there's a bunch of people in a row, and all the guys are on one side, and all the girls are on one side, I'm not gonna be the different one.
Sure, so here's the thing, I'm, I'm only gonna take the booth, yes, I'm gonna offer it first to Becca, or whoever I'm having dinner with. But if there's more than one person in the booth, where like, if I have to get out, they have to get out, I'm not doing that. I'm taking the chair, because then you gotta bounce.
Yeah, you're getting out of a booth, there's nothing worse than this.
So, so humbling to just be like, I got, guys, gotta use the bathroom.
Yeah, you gotta bounce out.
It sucks!
And I'm like shifting my butt, like, I'm like, what am I doing now?
I'll be honest, as a grown man, I am more inclined to go under the table than I am to wiggle my ass through a fucking booth.
Frank, if you're, let me give you some advice. If you're at a restaurant, and you go under the table, you better be three years old. You cannot be the age you are and going underneath the table.
Can you imagine Frank being like, I gotta go to the bathroom?
And just sliding other and then crawling on the ground through my legs.
I'm telling you right now, if Tim Robinson watches this show.
That's a perfect catch.
We just gave you one buddy. That's a layup and a half.
Yeah, it's like, no, no, no, don't get up, don't get up.
And just go under the table and they're like, she's like accidentally hit someone's feet and stuff like that. I know, I said I'm more inclined to do that, but I'm not going to.
It feels like option one for you.
It's, I'll be honest with you, it's option two, which is a problem.
I always do the, the booth because I feel like the, well, I don't get in the booth. I'm saying I offer up the booth because I, I feel like the chair, you're like in the way of traffic. So I don't want like, you don't get hit in the head with a tray or something.
I'd rather do that because then if I get hit in the head with a tray or something, I'm getting a free meal, a free drink or something.
You spill a coffee on me.
I also don't, I also don't, I don't know how this is gonna sound, but.
This should be good.
I feel like the ability to signal a waiter and stuff, doing it from all of them behind you. I, the other, the other person, never good at it.
How do you signal a waiter? Be really fucking honest.
Only when they're in.
I'm not saying when, how.
Just.
Just finger, just.
Okay, I thought you were gonna be like.
No, no.
Snapping.
If you had snapped at a waiter, you were fired on the spot and I think I could say that.
Snapping, say, hey, that's crazy. Oh my God, I could never.
Oh my God, I just watched Marty Supreme and he does that at one point in the movie.
Snaps at a waiter?
I was just like, oh my God.
Did you guys see it? You know what I did one time by accident?
Who cares?
Oh, what? Wait.
Answer, answer, no, move.
Yeah. Have I seen it?
Cool.
Um, I, you know what I did by accident? That's really bad. This, this could be, I don't know if it's worse, but it's up there. I came out of the elevator in my building and I was whistling. And then like, I, I was like getting, as I was whistling, I was also getting the attention of my doorman, cause I was checking to see if we had packages and I was, and, and then I, when I got the packages, I was like, oh my God, does he think that I just whistled at him? They're like, hey.
Give us the packages, eh?
That's pretty bad.
That's bad.
What was the whistle? You gotta give us the whistle. Do you remember?
I, I, no, I mean.
I mean.
Does anyone remember a whistle?
I do. Thank you. Feed me up.
You remember a whistle?
Yeah, so when I was in RA, I used to have to do rounds of the building that I was working in. And I would go in the one building in particular, I'd go into the suites. Which is like people's living quarters, basically. And I would always whistle, because it had been stuck in my head for some reason and I loved it. The whistle from Kill Bill.
And I would do that. And then, but like. When there's a group of like eighteen year old girls watching TV on the couch and you're whistling, walking through. It's like, what the fuck? So I learned very quickly to stop.
Yeah, it's like, you, also, you just look like a hardo, being like, "Oh, no, mind me, I'm just doing the rounds."
I mean, that was my job.
I know.
That was my job, so like, whatever.
What were you looking for? That make sure they weren't doing drugs or something?
I mean, it's just like, you're supposed to do rounds of the building, you're supposed to like, check the emergency exits. You're supposed to make sure, yeah, you don't hear anyone playing beer pong, or like, you know. Smoking a doobie in their room.
Smoking a fed doobie.
Smoking a marijuana cigarette.
Uh, I have something for you. If you, uh, want a surprise quick.
Oh, yeah, we found a picture of your, of your fridge.
Yeah, so this woman went viral because of, uh, what her fridge looked like on the first date.
Hold on.
Oh, that's a woman's fridge?
Yeah, it's a woman's fr-
This is interesting now, because that looks like a man's fridge, I'll be honest.
Man takes photo of woman's fridge on the first date and it's going viral.
Be honest. You walk into a, a woman's house on a first date. You open up the fridge and she's like, "I can get you a glass of water," you're standing right there. You peer in and you see five hundred fucking hot dogs.
I mean, there's, there, I, I obviously have several questions.
But I'm not upset about it.
There's, there's two different types of milks, if I'm not mistaken. What is that?
Yeah, it looks like one is like a creamer, one is like almond milk, and the one's a skim. Oh, if I see skim in anyone's fridge, I'm fucking, never again am I talking to you.
I knew you were gonna bring that up. There is a whipped cream, though, to be fair.
There is a whipped cream. It looks like there's two things of, whether that's sour cream or cottage cheese.
Yeah, maybe cottage cheese. This is a disgusting.
I'm pumped about that. Disgusting for a lump.
Uh, cuz it's not very balanced. It's just all processed meat. Also, unless this is the 4th of July. This is a garage.
That's a garage fridge. That's a garage fridge, or you're, or you're doing like a fundraiser, where it's like, cook out for the fire department down on Main Street. And it's like, come support the local boys and, and girls in red by having a dog for a dollar.
Initial scan, and I can only see the front here, that's 34 packs of hot dogs.
Times eight.
If there's more hot dogs back there.
Oh, you know there is. Well, we can only go by what we see. I mean, Schrodinger's cat. If we're going 34 times 8, so what's 30 times 8?
Oh, I didn't know that was gonna be math.
Right? 4 times 8 is 32, so.
You got it?
72? I get that right?
Sure. In what planet? Unless you're trying to feed a wedding, why would you have that?
And those are also, it looks like they're ballpark, Frank. Those are thick bastards.
Yeah, those are thick, those are my dad's fingers.
Those are your dad's fingers. I'm glad he went with fingers.
Yeah. Frankie, Frankie, first date's going well. You come home, you see this fridge. You want a hot, you want a hot dog?
Let's act this out. You be the, you be the fridge, like, person.
I'm me.
What would you have me do?
I'm me. Hey, I'm a little thirsty. First of all, we're going back to someone's place for a first date? Game over, anyway.
Yeah, I ain't thirsty.
Yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm thirsty.
I'll put up with the thirst.
I'm thirsty, but just not for whatever's in that fridge. You know what I'm saying?
For intercourse.
For sex.
So.
I want the lady fridge.
Yeah, alright.
There's a lot of balls in this for a weekly.
Yeah, oh yeah, oof. Oh yeah, dimonites.
Right.
Is that the French way of saying that? Dimonites.
Hey, I'm a little thirsty. Do you have something I can drink?
Yeah, of course.
Beer or something, I'm fine. Whatever you got, I'm easy.
Um, I might have a beer, let me see.
Wow.
What? Uh. Why do you have so many hot dogs?
What do you mean?
I mean, I love hot dogs. I just, like, you clearly have an abundance of them. What's going on here?
That's a lot?
I mean, you're right. A lot is subjective.
I have a lot of, uh... Yeah, I mean, I like hot dogs. Do you want a hot dog?
I mean, how... Yeah.
Okay. How do you like, you want me to boil water, or you want me to microwave it?
I'll take it right out of the package, I'm okay.
You're gonna eat it raw?
Yeah, I'm raw.
Are you?
Okay, okay, okay. It was getting, it was getting...
I was believing it.
Do you eat hot dogs out of the package?
No, could I? Yes. Will I? Probably.
Have you?
May- maybe.
You bastard!
I might have. I don't, I can't with confidence say I haven't. I definitely have eaten frozen, like, pizza pockets before, though.
Frozen?
Yeah, like, out of the thing, like, they're just, they're just frozen. I was drunk.
What's pizza pockets?
Pizza pockets.
Like a, like a hot pocket?
Pizza rolls.
You eat frozen pizza rolls? Didn't that hurt your teeth? Your little teeth?
Didn't feel good. Don't, don't...
Your little teeth?
No, no, no, don't do that. Back to the hot dogs.
I will say this, I will immediately worry about this person's cardio health. And their, their cholesterol.
I'm worried about their asshole.
I mean, I'm not gonna jump to being worried about someone's asshole on the first day.
Yeah, I'm probably not worried about the asshole on the first day.
Hey, I'm worried about your fucking asshole.
Hey, Marissa, I can't help but notice all the hot dogs. I'm worried about your asshole. I'm really just worried about your asshole.
Dude, I love, I love hot dogs. No one is a bigger hot dog fan than me. I'm just really worried about like, what could be going on with your asshole right now.
Hey, uh, sorry it's so late. I just, I've been up all night thinking about your asshole. And just how it could be in bad shape.
Yeah, hey, that was a fun date. Let's do it again sometimes. Is your asshole okay?
So many ways to go about that. I don't hate this.
As soon as I open the fridge, I'd have to e- explain this. You have to explain this.
Yeah. Well, I would take out that middle pack, like the first, the, the ones in the middle, the two on top, I'd pull them out and be like, how far does this go?
You know what I mean? I, I just, I would be more impressed at the level of like Tetris-like packaging that this person clearly went through in order to make this all fit. Because this, this took taking stuff out, putting it back in, in order to make it all fit. You know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that looks like it's, like the, is that the plastic is still on those bottom parts of the fridge? They're like, they might have-
This is a new fridge!
They might have gotten this fridge just to hold the hot dogs.
Yeah, it's a brand new fridge. Uh, my last one couldn't hold all the doggies.
That's my hot dog fridge out there.
Damn.
I kinda love that. I am-
I'm hoping this is a, it's a garage fridge.
But you wouldn't have creamer in that. Classic, that's a great point. You wouldn't have a half thing of skim milk.
You'd go down to the garage and drink some milk. Can you imagine?
This does have classic, like, we're having a barbecue.
Do you have a garage, uh, fridge?
Yeah, I just got a new one, actually.
What's in there? Like meats and shit?
It looks like, it looks like this. I'll be, no, I'll be honest with you, right now, it's mostly beer.
Because like, we had people over and like, whatever alcohol doesn't get drank, we just put it back in there.
Uh, and then the freezer is most, if not all, meat and frozen vegetables.
Nice.
And if we get like a Costco order of like almond milk or something, we'll put one in the regular fridge and then the rest will go back in there.
Is it a regular fridge or a dead body fridge?
Regular fridge. I don't want, I don't like chest, I don't like the chest, um, freezer or chest fridge or anything like that because- As someone that had them, I think you have a chest freezer, like the bottom part of your freezer, right?
Oh, my actual fridge?
Yeah. You put stuff in there and then put stuff on top of it and forget about the stuff on the bottom and it's gone forever.
You'll never, ever, ever experience it ever again.
Yeah, ever.
You ever play Kill the Garage Fridge when you were kids, younger?
Kill the Garage Fridge?
Like if your friend had a fridge in the garage filled with drinks, you never play Kill the Fridge?
Oh, like just drink it all?
Mm-hmm.
No, I've never heard of that.
No, but that does sound like a game we would have played.
I feel like I was like the only person who had a garage.
No, Josh had one.
Oh, Josh had a garage.
Josh had one, I think, who else?
It's not a lot of people had garages.
Yeah, we had an alleyway and an abandoned van that we would go drink in.
Yeah, we used to live in Frank's van for an afternoon.
Oh, it was your van?
It was our van that we left in the backyard. It was abandoned and we would just go in there and drink.
What is that? What is, if it's your van, what is, what is abandon? I was picturing something on the street.
How could you abandon something that is yours?
Because you don't use it.
It feels like neglect more than abandon.
What's the difference between neglect and abandon? I guess abandon is like you drop it and then leave it?
I don't think that, yeah, you don't think that you could abandon something like in your own home?
Yeah, you can.
You can neglect it. Abandoning is like driving out to the country and leaving it and bouncing.
You're probably right, but like...
I was picturing a van on the street.
Where did, where did you guys drink when you were younger?
One of our friend's house.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, we all had a friend's house.
In the basement.
We would hit the park a lot.
Park, but then once one of our friends, like, we realized we can just go and drink without any worry whatsoever at one of our friend's houses, we would.
Yeah, I mean...
There was also someone's house here that was kind of also a party house at times.
Me too, for certain things.
Your basement.
Super Bowl.
Well, Super Bowl, I'm saying like younger than that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like your basement.
Younger than the Super Bowl, what?
I'm like, you are like, Super Bowl was more in like our college years. Um, but like...
Damn, when was the last time you had a keg?
My god. I don't know. I'd like to do a keg stand.
Wait, we did a keg for your birthday, didn't we? Or someone's birthday? At your house. Am I making that up?
Not my house. I think Danny had one. Cause they had like, people over for a party.
Bro, I swore you had a keg.
You know why I remember? No, my, Danny, Danny and my sister had one because my dad, they set the keg up and everything and my dad just showed up and he goes, "Look at this." And he just poured salt all over the ice.
And I was like, "Yeah?" And he goes, "Makes it colder." There he goes.
Which I think that's true.
It is, but like, the fact that my dad was just like, "Watch this."
I was like, "You're an idiot, dad."
We were freshmen going to a, like a senior party. And we got there early, classic, and the guy who was running it said, "You know how to tap a keg?" And I went, "Yeah." And he handed me the stuff, walked over to the keg and I looked at everybody else and went, "How do we do this?"
Yeah, yeah. The most, like, the worst, like, getting drunk on a keg moment I've ever had was at Pete's graduation party. That's, I think, like, it was like keg stands and then I, I got down and then his brother handed me like Jack Daniels honey.
Ew.
And I was like, "Get this." And it was also like, they had like kegs of like Lion's Head.
Like, heavy, cause Pete and his brother like love like craft beer and stuff like that.
So they had like a craft beer, it was like a mini keg, like an eighth or something like that?
And it fuck ruined my day.
I hate keg stands, man.
I kinda don't hate them.
You've got them upside down!
What are we doing? I just think it's funny that like, you can drink that way.
I can't. I'm not really good at that.
You can't do a keg stand?
I mean, I can, it's just not very good. Especially if it's like a new keg and this thing's blowing at me.
I also just like the feeling of like, everyone's putting their mouths on this keg, like, tap thing, like-
You know, not something I ever thought about.
Well, cause we were fucking immortal.
We were a child.
We were, we were children.
Yeah, children.
I don't know about, you went away to school, right? So, but I, I didn't go away, but we used to go to Binghamton parties, like, and dude, there were frat parties where it was just a garbage can.
Just a garbage can with drinks and I went, "I'm not drinking this."
Yeah, I went to-
Wait, what do you mean?
Like, the frat parties, they would set up just garbage cans of drinks in it. And that's how you-
But like, closed drinks? No.
What do you, what do you mean?
It was literally like you'd go and like a, like forty-eight or, or a hundred twenty-five gallon garbage can.
And they would put a garbage bag in it and they would pour ice in it and then the drinks like open. So it was just like a punchbowl, but a garbage can, brother.
That's crazy.
Yeah, I've been to a couple of those.
You went to the fancy ones with bags.
Well, yours was just in a raw garbage can?
Some of them were and I wasn't drinking any of that, but everyone did.
Yeah, it was a thing. It was a thing. It was like, and they'd call it jungle juice. Cause they would just get everything they could get their hands on and just put it in a tub.
Oh, oh, I remember that.
I.
Like a hotel room.
Yeah, ugh.
Yeah, that's disgusting.
That's fucking atrocious.
Sometimes, you know.
But I guess science allows, dictates that like alcohol kills the bacteria.
Kills the bacteria. So like we're same, right?
If you're sick, like a little bit and you like take a shot of whiskey or something like, is that doing something? Ah, shit, I'm fucking Dr. Mike that. Uh. He's not here.
The next best thing.
And you're sitting in your seat. The next best thing.
The next best.
The next best thing is here. I would imagine that it just like, doesn't do anything great. Like it just like, if anything, it probably makes it worse because alcohol's a blood thinner. So like if you have like a runny nose or something, it's going to just make it worse.
Just a little shot.
I mean, I'm not, anything that I, like when I drink like ginger ale, I've convinced myself that the bubbles kill if I have a sore throat.
I know it's not true.
It's funny.
My dad said, taking a shot clears the sinuses.
That may be true. I think that is true.
He had a lot of colds.
You know what I used to do? Not used to do, I did this like twelve, a couple of times. I would take like two shots and then go out in the cold because I thought it would warm me up.
I think it does. It like raises, it increases your heart rate.
My face gets red.
Doesn't it say, like, I, I do think that alcohol increases your heart rate. So like.
Warms you up.
Scientifically, you're there.
Yeah, I guess we go a little bit.
You're not wrong.
Aw, man. I know it's gross, but like nothing tasted better than putting just vodka in like a Snapple bottle with Snapple.
Like it's gross, but like it's so nostalgic.
You know what was a great drink? One time, this was like.
Eight years ago, or nine years ago, something like that. And it snowed like crazy and we built an igloo in my front yard and I took a bottle of Jameson. And it was just me, my brother-in-law and Keith and we sat there and just drank out of the bottle. In an igloo, dog. It's amazing.
I don't know if I was telling you guys this story recently, but myself, Espo and our friend Pat would take a mag- not a regular bottle of Jack, the Magnum one. That like was like-
The Big Mama.
The Big Mama. And we would kayak across the lake.
And we would-
That's such a bad idea.
There was, I know, don't do this. And there was a part of like where the shore, like the shore was back here, but like trees hung over it. So there was like 25 feet where you can just park your kayak and you could see clear, like it was, it was beautiful. And we would sit there and just drink the bottle and then kayak back and we would be obliterated.
Yeah, on the way back.
We, we, we used to do all those like, uh, like buzz balls and shit like that.
I've never had one of those. They look good though.
Never had a, no?
Not good.
You guys did the BBC challenge, right?
We did the BBC challenge. We could do that.
I don't know what, you did a BBC challenge? What are we talking-
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Talking about here.
They shit and spin.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, that's what it sounds like.
This is getting me excited for the 40 hands.
Did you beat the challenge? Did you conquer the BBC?
We did conquer the BBC. It didn't end well.
What's going on over there?
Did you have, did you guys ever have the, the sour drinks, the suck-ons?
The suck-ons, the sour one?
What, I don't know what the su-
Suck-on these-
I didn't say it, I didn't say it.
Did I say it?
I definitely got him. I definitely got him so good.
I feel like I didn't say it. Every time he says something, you gotta look at me.
He got, he half got, I'll give you, you got, he half got him, he got half got.
That's two, that's two, oh.
You thought there was a drink called Suck on me?
I don't know, bro.
I mean, you're talking about BBCs, like, just fucking anything is possible.
That's true, that's true.
Anything is possible, oh, god, it feels so good.
You're gonna have to, you're gonna have to do something about that.
I'm gonna bring the, I'm, I'm, I'm. Going right into the ads after you mentioned BBCs.
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You upset him.
I mean, that's-
I'm mad at you. You brought that into the world.
That's two.
(sighs)
I gotta be honest, I think that I'll probably hang it up as far as I get you maybe one or two more times, but be on your toes. It's, it's, it's, it's gone. But they, but also to my defense, I set that up well. Because they- Suck-ons? It's just the whole sentence. Well, there's like blowjob shots. Remember those where it'd be like, you ever had a blowjob shot? How do you do those again?
You wanna demonstrate, Frankie?
I don't know, I, I wouldn't be able, but it's like, they put like- Whip cream? It's like Kahlua or whatever, and then whipped cream, and then you're supposed to like with your mouth, go over it and take it and put it down or something like that. I can't drink like that.
Me neither. It's impressive that people do that.
Can you do that? I think I- Can you drink with your mouth open? I think I can, yeah. Cause that's why I was so good at like, uh, when I'd go to like hibachi, like sake. You know what I'm saying? That's why I was so good at going to hibachi.
I'm serious. The guy would hit you with the- He'd hit me with the thing and he'd, you know, they'd, do the impression, you were just doing it. Well, I mean- It's close. Yeah. Uh, but they would, and I would just keep going. You know? I'm not- Yeah. You've already done it. I'm not gonna- You're already there. But like, it was like a thing, and I would drink a lot of sake because I could, I could swallow- I can't do that.
Can, can you do the thing where, you know how you see some people take a beer and they just open their throat and it's gone?
No. No. I gulp, I have to gulp.
I don't understand how that works.
Me neither.
Well, Dr. Mike did tell us it was just a big straw, so I guess if you could figure out a way to open it.
I think that if you, yeah. Once you like have like complete control of your throat, you're doing pretty well for yourself. Like that dude Bevo. Remember him? Bevo? Yeah, remember Bevo?
Bevo?
The guy who would like take a bite or something? He'd go like, "Let me taste this."
And he'd swallow a whole potato after a bite.
I don't know. It's just, now I'm thinking, now I remember, like, there was something that he really struggled on, this is also pretty niche, I don't know.
But, but it was just funny, it made me laugh.
Uh, I think it's a, it's certainly a skill.
Have you guys seen Punch the Monkey? Do you know Punch?
I've heard, what is this?
It's a monkey.
But like, okay, why do people care?
Because it was a monkey that was like abandoned, and then the zookeepers, to my knowledge, this is the story, zookeepers gave the monkey, uh, a, like a teddy bear, but it's like also a monkey, and he just carries it around, and he like hugs it, and like, he's in it, look how cute.
Dude, that's an ugly monkey.
Frankie.
Oh, be careful, there's a lot of, a lot of punchies out there.
Really? Like, people like, strong, like?
People love this monkey, dude.
Do you want to see what the homepage of Google looks like? When you'd search him, look at this.
Get the fuck out of here.
See, like, it's a beloved monkey, and I love this monkey so much because, well, you just feel bad, like, a lot of them other monkeys are like not nice to him, and they like push him, and they're like, no, get out of here.
I mean, but like, how do we know it's not for like a good reason? Like, what if this is like-
He's just a little punch monkey!
What if he's a bad guy monkey?
No, he's just sad, he's abandoned.
What if he's just like an antagonistic little prick?
No, he's nice, Frank, he's sad, and he's dragging his fucking teddy bear around, because he's lonely.
So wait, these other monkeys are like bullying him?
Kind of. I, I've been hearing stories that he's being more and more accepted.
There's so much more going on in the world that we need to be paying attention to.
I agree, I agree, but this monkey is sad.
At a Japanese zoo, lonely baby monkey.
Yeah, dude.
Who gave it the name Punch, by the way?
Yeah, it's a great question.
Also, that's another thing, like, what if they're just like, go hang out with Punch, and he's like actually hitting people?
No, no, people-
I don't like, I don't-
Look, he drags it around, it's so sad.
I did, I did see an article that they're coming out with a video game now, where like you can play as Punch the Monkey and like beat up other-
Oh, come on.
Oh, oh my god.
Come on Frankie, come on.
Come on, what?
That doesn't make you wanna cry?
It's cute-ish, but like, I have kids.
You're a heartless prince.
I'm not a heartless prince. How am I heartless?
Cause that's cute.
That's okay.
Oh, you're heartless.
I'd be nice just in case it turns into this situation.
That's a great point. I'm not saying that that... That's actually a really good point. I should recant all that.
What if it turns into Planet of the Apes and now?
Um, just edit all this out?
No, we're keeping it in.
So, ask me again what I think about Punch the Monkey.
No, I'm not gonna give you the...
No, come on. Alright, that's a pretty good picture. I like seeing monkeys walk.
Oh, don't do that. No, you flip it now!
Remember this. I do like that.
You're not a punchy!
Punch, I've always been, as, as, as, also someone that was outcasted by society.
What the hell are you talking about?
And ridiculed because of their...
Looks, whatever you're being ridiculed for.
You also carry around toys.
As a fellow person that loves to carry around something that brings them joy, I'm not heartless, you're heartless. If that was you, if this was your child, you'd rip that fucking stuffed animal from that poor monkey's hands and you'd say, "It's time to get rid of it."
Okay, you don't know me at all, alright?
Yeah, cause I had tears in my eyes the first time I saw a video.
You had tears in your eyes? You're crying for what?
Because it's sad. They're pushing him and he's just sad and lonely.
It's a lonely monkey.
Look, I got a tear right there.
You just licked your face. That's disgusting.
It's not that gross.
Have you seen videos on TikTok of people like in Bali or something like that? And then they come back to their hotel room or their Airbnb and there's just a fucking monkey in there?
I'd be hyped.
Hype, brother.
I'd be scared but hyped.
Dangerous.
If it was a big monkey, I'd be scared.
I mean, even a monkey that size can do some fucking damage.
Nah, nah, nah.
Bro.
I would be like, I would try to hug it.
I have learned... Through watching the show Alone, that smaller animals can still be very dangerous.
Yeah, but me too.
But like, yes, but like, like for instance, there was an episode, a season of Alone where they were like, "The Tasmanian devil, you've gotta be careful." It's a little rat. No, apparently they're really dangerous.
It's got the word devil in its name.
Well, that's just because of the screams.
Can it also create tornadoes that suck me in?
No, I wish. That'd be so cool. That's Taz.
Isn't that what you said?
The Tasmanian devil's an actual animal.
He's still thinking about BBC over there.
He's still, yeah, he's... I don't, I don't feel that bad for this, this little monkey.
I feel bad. I mean, I think that he's okay now, and he's got some friends with him. But he would try to hang out, and the other monkeys would just, they're kinda ruthless. They're like, "Get the fuck outta here, Punch. No one cares about you."
Alright, so put your money where your mouth is. Fucking, adopt Punch.
I mean, they definitely don't allow that.
Why not? Bring him in here.
His motherfucking abandoned him. That's what the story is.
That sucks. His mom sucks. I will say that.
Probably...
Probably a bitch.
I mean, joke's on us. Once we get the opportunity to like, talk to animals, and hear what they're saying.
Oh my god.
I'm telling you, Punch did something bad, dude.
I really...
Oh, that's a good picture.
Oh my god, I'm gonna explode!
If that's even real, it's from Facebook. Chances are, it's not real.
It's a, it's a good point, but it's fine.
But you got the idea.
It's the idea. "Oh, oh my god, such a cute photo."
You should get some Punch merch.
I wanna hug him.
Oh, this is adorable.
Oh my god, give me a fucking break here.
Frankie, Frankie said that he despises this.
I didn't say despise. I said I just don't care.
You said... Yeah.
I mean, what, what...
He's kinda like a stuffed animal.
My kids are cuter. That's the thing, is like, I have a...
Who's comparing them?
Me!
For what reason?
I have a certain amount of love that I can give, and I'm choosing to not give it to this...
Don't put a limit on your love.
I, I don't have a limit on my love, but I have a limit on where I'm putting my love.
That's a limit on your love, buddy.
No, no, the amount of love that I have is limitless. Okay? Like that Bradley Cooper movie. But the amount of love that I have for this... I don't need to put my love in that, you know what I'm saying? Here's where my love is distributed right now.
Oh god.
My kids, my wife, retro toys and video games, uh, my friends.
Minor league hats.
Yes, hats in general.
King crab legs.
King crab, fuck yeah, absolutely.
Desserts.
It seems like you're taking an approach to this that is becoming mean. Yeah.
You loved it.
Yes, but I don't like hearing it.
Correct!
I don't like hearing it from you. Hot dogs, having hot dogs tomorrow for dinner, by the way. Oh, am I excited.
You gonna post some stupid shit? Post some, post a dumb dog, like something stupid.
You should I?
Like load it. Load that fucker.
Like load it up?
Like get it geared up and ready to go?
Are you against like putting uh, like mac and cheese on a dog or something like that?
I'm not against anything except for mustard. And even if you do mustard, just don't, don't do it by me.
Do, do a fucking like, uh, some fucking mac and cheese, maybe a little bacon crumble on that bit?
I mean, I'm not, I do have mac and cheese and bacon in my fridge right now, so maybe I will.
Just an idea, suggestion.
What if, I got one. What if it's a, a hot dog and I cut it up into sections? And then in between the two sections, I put a mozzarella stick?
What? Would it just be the ends of a hot dog?
It would just be the knobs?
Yup.
And then a, just eat a mozzarella stick?
What if you cut up equal parts hot dog, mozzarella stick and alternate?
Can't cut the mozzarella stick, then you lose the pole.
That's true.
God, it's a good point. It's crazy.
These are problems.
It's gonna be, it's gonna be a big fat filthy gagger. If we could call it that.
How many you think that you're gonna go, you know, let me ask you a question.
Well, I, I, I've, I did the responsible thing and I only bought eight, so I'm, I'm.
Frank, you, you're not gonna eat eight. That's insane.
I mean, I won't because like, I'm sure Becca will have one, I'm sure Miles or one of the kids will have one or two.
Alright, like, but if you lived alone, you would, you'd eat eight?
Frankie. Eight hot dogs is outrageous.
Bro, you're not gonna eat eight hot dogs. I did like ten in a weekend last year. You think that-
Yeah, but that's, yeah.
Eight in an evening where baseball's on?
What, what game are you watching?
USA-Brazil.
For every point the USA scores, have a dog.
It's called a run. It's called a run.
Yeah, this guy.
This guy.
For every, you know what? I'll do that. But I didn't get enough, so like I'd be capped at eight.
Grand slam.
No, just get, just get more. I mean, if we're being realistic, I will have at least four.
Realistically.
I might have more.
Right. So, so maybe it is a runs thing.
Yeah, just do it.
Not in the game, but by USA, which, I mean, they could run it up against Brazil.
Yeah, Brazil doesn't have a really great team.
I don't know who's pitching for Brazil.
But then what do I do? Like, what do I do if they score nine?
Buy more hot dogs, Frankie.
You want me to stop?
No, you gotta max out.
I have to max out? I mean, again, I have to feed my family.
Well.
I mean, well.
There's, there's mozzarella sticks.
You, you said there were mozzarella sticks.
There are. And bacon and mac and cheese, you're fine.
Oh, the mac and cheese.
The game does start late, so I will push back dinner as far as I can.
So this is what you do. You take the bun and you put mac and cheese in it and then we'll count that.
As a hot dog?
I, I can have a whole box. That's not good. Don't tell me to do that. Yo, you could eat a whole box of Velveeta mac and cheese very easily.
Without question.
Without, with ease, brother.
I think I used to do that.
Yeah, probably.
Like, I just would crush a whole box of Velveeta.
You know what's really good? If you chop up a chicken cutlet and throw it in there.
Something in my eye.
That's weird. Something in my eye at the exact same time.
Whoa, what's going on?
I think Joe spit ass.
Whoa, what the fuck? Yeah, no, nice try, nice try. That was good acting!
Very good! Jesus. But yeah, this monkey, this monkey punch, I hope it finds a caretaker. Well, it has a caretaker. Bro, what, what else have we gotta do for this thing? It's in an enclosed space, it's kept safe, it gets fed for free. This thing is living on taxpayer money in Japan.
You see where I'm going with that? More political commentary.
Yeah, I don't even know if that's true, but...
Obviously, it's not.
It has to be.
What time's the game on?
Eight o'clock, baby. You gotta watch it?
What time do you usually have dinner? Oh, yeah, you have like an early dinner?
Yeah, we have it earlier because of the kids, like 5:30, 5-ish, you know?
That's a lunch.
No, it's not lunch.
You the other day said that you went to dinner at 10:00 PM, and I was like, "Woo!"
Well, it was just a tough reservation to get, so like, that's all they had. I wouldn't opt to go at 10.
How was it?
It was good. I had a fried mackerel.
Oh, I thought...
Fish.
I was still on mac and cheese, so I thought it was mac-rol?
I had a mackerel.
Ooh!
No, it was a fried mackerel.
Did it come out like...
Fried? It looked like a...
Like a whole fish, though?
No, no, no, it was like a... but it was a healthy, like, square.
I love when they come out like bronzino, like a whole fish, and you can dig through it like you're like a bear.
Yeah, I do that at places when I get the bronzino. Sometimes they're like, "Oh, you want us to do it?" And I was like, "I'll just claw at it." But de-bone it. But I'll claw at it.
Yeah! Be a filthy little slut for it.
I went through... I went to a place once, and they... they give you the cage. So you know how they cook it on a cage sometimes?
They like, put the... the fish in like this cage thing, and they shut it, and then they cook it, and they like, just turn it. And they'll put it on a plate. They gave you the cage.
Yeah, and I was like, "It's cool, I got the cage now."
I'm starting... there are some places in Jersey that are like, just like, shacks where you can show up and eat a bunch of seafood. I'm kinda starting to wanna do that. Because I like the idea of going to like a little building on a dock, and just be like, "We just caught... what did we catch?"
"We just caught... we just caught a monkfish. We just... we just caught a tilefish."
And it's got like... it's got like barnacles on it.
Still got barnacles and sand on it and shit like that. And you eat it with your hands. No, you're not into that?
Not one part of that sounds enjoyable. Do you ha... do you like seafood, or no?
I like...
I like seafood.
What was that?
I don't know, just in case. Now I'm on edge.
Seafood dick! What did you think I'm gonna say?
I like-
See through my nuts?
Um, I like shellfish. I don't really like seafood. But a tuna tartare is really gooood.
A tuna tartare.
You like, wait, you like seafood?
So you like-
You like shellfish?
So you like shellfish, but you don't like, so you don't like salmon, but you like shrimp?
Yes, like-
Weird.
That's weird. Usually it's the opposite.
Is it?
Oh. Maybe I'm just an opposite today.
What about lobster? You like lobster?
Alright, good. So here's what we're gonna do.
When the weather gets nicer.
Oh my god, I'm so excited for it.
There's a place in Greenpoint.
Fucking good lobster rolls. And then we'll get a nice bottle of white wine to go with it.
Oh my god, that sounds lo- I'm writing that down.
Write it down.
I'm writing it down.
Yeah, I like that. I've been there a couple times. It's fantastic.
Can we walk?
Uh, no.
Sounds lovely.
It would be better if we could walk.
Joe-
Maybe we could. I actually have no idea how close it is.
I love- It is a little further from my apartment.
I love food.
I feel like towards the end of every episode, we start talking about food and I get really hungry.
I think it's, we're like a shoe-in for the, oh, Joe, we can certainly walk. It's a 12-minute walk.
Yeah, yeah, we gotta go. 12 minutes, baby. That's, that's eight minutes, New York.
Yeah. I mean, excited to get a lobster roll? I could get there in five.
Here's the thing, though, is that I'm gonna go there and I'm gonna have to eat three lobster rolls and I'll be $85 in the hole. That's the only thing that's tough about lobster rolls, is you, they're, they're this big.
Uh, these are decently sized.
And how much are they?
30 bucks. I have no idea.
They're probably 30-
Why are you ruining this experience?
I'm just letting you know, this is my issue with lobster rolls. They're delicious, they're great, they're done well. But, for what you get and what you pay, clear difference right there, baby.
Warm or cold?
Couldn't care. Yeah, they have a, they, they have an option.
Couldn't care. I'll take them both ways.
Hell yeah.
I'll take them both ways. I'll take them both fucking down.
Make half of it hot, half of it cold.
Oh man, you wanna know how much this fucking lobster roll is?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna bet. What's it come with? Is it just a lobster roll, or does it come with like chips or fries?
Um, it co- I think it comes with fries, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna say thirty-two dollars.
Okay, what do you say?
I, I couldn't even begin. Uh, twenty-eight. Twenty feels right.
No, it's thirty-eight.
That's what I'm saying. I'm gonna have to eat three of those suckers.
You might not have to. There's other stuff though. Spicy salmon.
Company card?
No, this one's on you.
Oh, it's on you. Hell yeah.
On me?
Or maybe I was looking at you.
I, I saw where you were looking.
I wasn't, I was looking at Frank.
Alright, I'll pay.
We can go as friends.
I'll pay, no, no, I'll pay.
Oh, we have to go three times then?
Sure.
Dude, that's, yes we do.
There's shishitos on the menu, come on.
Dude, I am a little fucking slut for shishito peppers. Holy shit, some blistered shishitos? God almighty.
Patron peppers?
What's that?
It's basically the same thing, I think.
Oh yeah, baby.
Yeah, they got some stuff here.
It's like getting rounds at a bar, you know, everyone takes a turn.
Yeah, they say that that actually encourages more binge drinking than anything else. Because it's like, well, everyone has to drink, so if there's seven people there, you have to have seven beers.
I don't know who made that rule.
I think if I'm buying...
No, no, no, like when I, when I learned about like, cause I took a class in college about like drinking, like...
How have you, how have you taken a class in college about every topic we've ever said?
It was my senior year. I took mixology class, which was...
You get hammered.
Dude, uh, the greatest college course I've ever taken. And in the spring, we took history of beer, which was just drinking beer every single class, and learning about a different type of beer. And we had field trips.
To breweries?
Breweries, restaurants, bars.
I take it back, that's cool.
That's fucking cool shit! But, I forgot what I was trying to tell you. Oh, we learned about like binge drinking and like blah blah blah, da da da, and they say that like that... Like they teach people not to do that because it like encourages more binge drinking, not healthy alcohol consumption.
Sounds like a bunch of nerds.
Some people care about others, about their brothers, about their sisters, about their siblings that may not be related to them.
Yeah, we're gonna get the most expensive lobster rolls this world has to offer one day, but it's gotta be nice out, because we gotta sit outside.
Okay. Oh, like a picnic table, like a wooden picnic table.
It is a wooden table.
I love that place that we went to in Long Island City, something Basin?
Annabelle Basin.
Annabelle Basin. That place was good. And they had, like, they had good bites.
Yeah, what did they have? Oh, they have like, uh, Bison Burgers.
That's what I usually get there.
I am in, baby.
I watched a soccer game there once by accident. I didn't know there was a soccer game on.
World Cup this summer, too?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Outdoors, lobster roll, white wine, on the water, soccer.
Soccer.
Oh, yeah, baby.
I'm in. Are you in?
I hope.
Are you one of those nerds that roots for Italy during the World Cup, or like?
Yeah, he is.
Um, if Italy's on, that's cool, but US, whichever one, whichever one's on, you know?
Did you have a Totti jersey?
Totti, Totti.
That's what I said.
Okay. No, um, Buffon 2006.
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X World, World Cup?
Buffon these nuts?
I said, I said.
He said it, though. Like, you can't, you can't piggyback off of him.
I mean, it's fine. Piggyback these nuts.
You'll get there. I want you to go home and just write as many of those as you can to try to get us.
No, because I know that's what you did.
Yep. I can't even defend it.
He was in the car like. You can.
Yeah. Well, they didn't. Well, they might have seen that if it's on Patreon.
I'm riding a hot streak, baby. And it's so funny because I saw a TikTok that was just like. It was when I tried to do the whole like Slobenese or something, you know, or whatever.
Gargle, garglies.
Garglies or Slobenese or whatever. And someone was just like, "One day I want him to get them once." And I was like. "Your wish will be your demand."
The Yukon was bad.
Yukon was great.
Well, no, I mean, like, like, that was like completely.
Getting both of us will be tough. Getting Joe seems pretty easy.
I think you're so on guard. Yeah, you're so on guard with everything.
Alright, I'll lower my guard.
Joey said before like, "Oh, I want to go to the store." And you were like. Or seafood.
Yeah. Seafood, I'm not seeing your food, food dick.
Well, usually I forget, but then once it happens, you know, I get. Guards go back up.
I don't know. You'll never get us again, that's for sure.
I'm gonna get got. Probably every attempt that you guys have.
Don't say that.
You will never, ever get us again.
I'm never expecting someone to be like, "My but, my nuts?" I'm like, alright.
We should have a rule. We should write in a rule. You know how like he points at me, I get $10. I say bitch, he gets $10 or something like that? We should have a rule that whoever gets got has to like.
Hundred bucks.
Hundred bucks. But like.
Starting now.
Absolutely. I'll do that.
I'll start.
No, I can't. I'll, it'll, I'll start. I can only do so many or else you guys will stop talking to me.
Well, yeah.
Well, he, yeah.
I'll make them perfect.
I don't know about that.
Yeah, don't, don't.
Don't. What are the rules here?
Oh, we're making a rule on us?
Well, like, you say Yukon. And then I say, I have to say Yukon.
You definitely have to say it.
You have to say it back like, "What's Yukon?"
Or, yeah, or like in a question.
But like the Imagine Dragons one, we didn't say like, "Imagine Dragons."
Watch the clip again, buddy.
We did say Imagine Dragons.
Did I?
So, no way, Imagine Dragons, what?
We both said Imagine Dragons.
He was trying to get it out so bad. He was like.
I got a little excited.
Imagine dragging these nuts across your face? Got him, got him so good.
Okay, so that's the rules. Every time someone does a hundred bucks, okay, right in it, right in it.
Hundred bucks. Which, where are we at right now? How much money does he owe me?
Do you actually have a counter over there?
Joe has twelve and you have nine. You've been, you've been, you've been bitching it up.
Twelve is like what? That I, he?
Oh, yep. Yeah, got him.
Thirteen. Thirteen.
Oh, he owes me a hundred thirty. I owe him ninety.
I don't even understand the pointing thing. It's not, it's definitely not as bad as the bitch.
Well, I, for some time, a couple of bitches counted us two, because some of them were bad.
Wait, what?
Just a, just a couple of times.
Wait, who's making these?
Also, people in the ant colony keep going back and sending me different bitches I missed, so I keep adding.
I love how he says, "People in the ant colony."
Like, they are a part of it now. That's, that's basement yard lore.
And you're the queen bee?
With the fattest butt?
Absolutely.
Bees and ants are different.
Animals.
There's queen ants.
I know there are queen ants, but he called you queen bee.
But they have the fat butts.
They got huge asses, dude.
The queen, the, the queen ant?
Shake your ass for us, Ant.
Oh my god, queen ant, an ant.
That's why the ant colony, you...
Jeez, he just doesn't, he doesn't get it sometimes.
It's okay.
I can see your, your brain turning right now.
About what?
You're trying to do a suck on my nuts thing.
It's definitely thinking.
And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're like, pensive and thinking.
He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm super amped.
Suck on my balls.
I was just thinking like, oh, I could get one in before the end of this episode.
That's what I keep thinking too. I'm like...
It's like, I could get one, you know?
All I keep thinking in my head is suck nuts. Like, I can't.
Yeah. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna show you, I'm not gonna show my, my bare bottom here. You'll have to wait for that.
All right.
Uh...
I guess that's all.
I thought you were gonna say something.
I thought you were gonna, yeah.
No, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't.
Oh, god.
Um, Frank, where can I find you?
Uh, you find me, the Frank Alvarez everywhere. We're, all of us are on guard now.
I don't like it.
We're, we're like, waiting for something to happen. I, I need something to drink. I need a cup of something.
This is the bad.
Yeah, this is bad. We probably shouldn't do this. Couple of, couple of my nuts!
The Frank Albers everywhere. Uh, go check out Patreon, patreon.com/thebasementyard. You guys, wild you went on Patreon. Thank you so much. Incredibly, incredibly gracious for that. So, thank you, patreon.com/thebasementyard and the Basement Yard on all socials.
Yeah, we're gonna find you.
Don't tell. No, no, no.
You can find me, Ant Prisco on Instagram.
Hmm. Uh, go follow me at Jose Anagato, go follow the show at The Basement Yard and that is all. See you guys next time. Bye.
Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated