The Basement Yard
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15,591 words · 3 speakers
Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, your first Hawaiian of the year, I think.
Literally not. I think I've worn other ones.
Ah, not paying attention.
Yeah, it's alright. It's me, Frank Alvarez, here with Aunt, Aunt Prisco, how are ya, and Cookie Monster.
Oh, I was like, come on. I thought you were calling him Cookie Monster.
No, that would be you.
Cause I'm wearing the color blue.
You're blue abadi abadi.
I'm just wearing a blue sweater, you bastard.
And the blue hat. It's very blue.
You're wearing a matching hat as well.
Yeah, but first of all, if we're getting specific, you're not matching. If you really wanna do it.
It's called different tones.
I don't care. It doesn't, it doesn't adhere to what I believe matching is.
Correct.
So it doesn't, it's not real.
But I am matching quite nicely. And Aunt said.
It's cause I complimented him.
Aunt said, right before we started recording, he looked at me and he goes, "Very aesthetically pleasing outfit you're wearing."
Nice.
Yeah, it was nice.
You're Cookie Monster.
So, when you get a compliment.
What's wrong with being Cookie Monster?
When you get a.
He's a great member of the Sesame Street gang.
You're trying to make fun of me. Let's get that out of the way, too.
I'm trying to acknowledge that you are.
Aunt gives you a compliment, and instead of paying that forward, the good energy, you're like, "I'm gonna take a big, steamy, corny poop on Joe's head."
See, why did you do that? You knew what you were doing by bringing up.
The corn?
Fecal matter.
Oh.
Need it be so fucking abhorrent and disgusting?
Listen, I don't, I'm not the one who doesn't digest corn. Actually, I am.
Apparently, the world is.
I didn't decide that is my point. That was God.
The issue is not with the corn digestion part of it.
Whatever, God.
Yeah. I love how you did that. That was very nice.
Every God.
Cookie Monster, though. There's no issue, like, you're tying something negative to being called Cookie Monster. What's wrong with that?
I was paying attention to the tone.
But we don't have to. I'll try it again. Here's what I said. "I'm here with Cookie Monster." I didn't go, "I'm here with Cookie Monster."
I mean, we know.
We know you.
"I'm here with Cookie Monster."
That would be even weirder.
Why?
I don't know, that was terrifying.
Fuck you. You wouldn't get excited to see Cookie Monster.
I am 34.
Some parts of life
I'll tell you this.
With you.
Cookie Monster, whatever. I'm telling you this right now, if Big Bird walked in here, I'd be fucking scared.
Bro, a legitimately big bird.
Huge.
Biggest fucking bird. A big ass bird, and I think what makes Big Bird look bigger, because it might be one of those things where like it's she, he, she, he, she, I'm not quite sure what Big Bird's pronouns are. Is so big. But it looks bigger because the fucking, what's it called? Bro, that's hu-
It's a fucking big ass bird, dude.
Huge, dude.
Let's get the height, can we get the height, can we get the measurements?
What's the actual measurements of Big Bird?
What's his forty?
I mean, gotta be like seven feet tall.
Eight two.
Dude, eight two.
Big Bird is eight two, see what I'm saying?
Big Bird is crazy, that's a big ass bird, dude.
Fucking, Weben Yama couldn't stop Big Bird.
Oh. Probably could.
He probably could, we don't, we don't know.
He can fly. You're speaking of God, you're speaking of his God, you are the biggest rider for Wemby.
Bro, Big Bird is fucking backing Weben Yama down, flying in the air and dunking on his French head.
If you, is he French?
Yeah.
God, um.
Quite, quite French.
Okay.
I'm taking Big Bird in a basketball game, obviously he isn't gonna beat an actual basketball star. But like.
They may.
Probably has a jump, a jumper.
Wait.
He's got crazy eyes, dude, I don't fuck with him.
Go back to the Big Bird, like the anatomy of Big Bird. Big Bird do be playing basketball.
Is Big Bird ballin' up?
What could you possibly have looked up at that moment? Big Bird playing basketball. He was, he was dunking with Elmo.
See?
Oh, see, Elmo's like a little bitch.
Elmo, ooh.
Isn't he?
I don't like that, I don't like that.
Isn't he small?
I definitely, is small, but I don't like the bitch part of it.
Oh, is that how Big Bird works?
But also how, because of the arm, like he moves another arm.
Yo, bro.
First of all, this is off Reddit, so take it with a fucking dumb trunk of salt.
I think it's pretty accurate.
Could be.
I mean, is it?
Is Big Bird's right arm not moving ever?
I guess, well, it looks like it's on a dual swing here.
There's a pulley system of sorts going on inside this big bird.
I think it has to work like this, the person in the costume's not eight foot.
Yeah, duh. Yeah, but I imagine it would be something, "Don't you dare point your fingers at me."
I didn't point, I kinda did one of those.
I, I assumed it was gonna be hands, hands, feet, feet, and then the mouth is on like a...
A jaw system?
Like a jaw system, so it talks with me.
Yeah, I don't know.
That would make the most sense.
Or I thought that this dude would just be on stilts in there. But yo, go back to the Google.
Well, the, the other...
The one of Big Bird, bro.
Yeah, dude.
There was a picture of him standing next to a man. If you exit out of that.
Exit out of what?
Of the picture, like, click the X. There's a picture of him standing next to a man, where is it?
Down. To the right.
Where was it?
No, nevermind, nevermind, I can't find it. I don't know, fucking disappeared. Big Bird is a giant ass bird. I love, I love Elmo, though, why do you call Elmo a bitch?
He's small, he's not eight foot two.
Yeah, that, in that regard, little.
I never really got into Sesame Street, it was not something that was ever on in my house, to be honest.
It wasn't on, but like, it was one of those brands that just like went further than the show. I'm sure I watched it as a little kid, but like, I feel like I saw more of Sesame Street characters and never watched the actual, like, program.
Did you learn from TV at all? Like, you know how that's like, it's, it's meant to teach you stuff?
Brother, there was shit I took from Magic School Bucks.
Magic School Bucks is a good one.
Hundred percent.
Magic School Bucks?
We all had some Magic School Bucks.
I, uh, I knew what blood vessels were because of that.
Yeah, I remember when they like, in the stomach.
Not blood vessels. What's the thing?
No, white blood, like, uh, white blood cells.
Oh, blood cells, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And like, white blood cell, red blood cell, there was that episode.
I learned from Osmosis Jones.
That's a good one, too. That's a good one, but also that movie's filthy disgusting.
Bill Murray's like sneezing up a storm, is it Bill Murray or Chris Elliott?
It's Bill Murray.
Okay, disgusting.
What was he dying from?
All, all of it. Fucking sneezing.
And also, I remember specifically, the only reason why I know what this thing is called is because of Osmosis Jones. Where it's like, "Oh, you gotta head to the uvula." And he's like, "What's that?" And he's like, "It's a little dangly thing." And he goes, "In his boxer shorts." And he turns the car to go towards the cock. And then he's like, "No, it's in his throat."
Oh, I prefer the, uh...
That's the story.
The mid-2000s masterpiece, Monster House, the joke that they made.
What's Monster House?
It was like a haunted house movie with like animated kids that look... They had like the issue where like they look like they're from the Polar Express. It's terrifying. But it was like, "Oh, it's the house's uvula." And he's like, "I thought it was a boy."
He's thinking Volvo.
Volvo. I mean, a very common mistake that people make.
What's the Volvo, Frank? Tell me what a Volvo is.
Uh, a German car.
Volvo. Is that German even?
Are they German?
But what's a Volvo? Tell us.
It's in the vaginal...
Is it in?
It's at the house. I don't know what room it is, but it's on the property.
If you had to, let's all guess what the Volvo is.
You know what's funny is one of the first episodes we did...
Let's guess what the Volvo is.
Alright, sorry.
Let's get on track here. It was a good try.
Yeah. It's one of the, like...
Here we go.
Well, why don't you start?
Well, I'm hosting.
Do you know? Honestly, do you know?
Of course.
So then tell us.
Everyone knows what that is, Frankie. You have to say it.
Yeah, nice try. I will be 100% honest if I knew it or not. Tell us what it is.
No, that's not what we're doing.
Well, do it, do it.
We're all gonna say what we think it is.
Alright, at the same time, we're all gonna say it.
No, we're not.
Yes, we are.
Frankie, hot seat, hot seat, hot seat.
Yeah, why am I put on the hot seat here? I'm the co-host.
Exactly, and I'm asking the question. Who else is gonna answer?
He owns the company. He's pulling that card on me. You saw that?
Not how that works.
I think this is exactly how it works.
If you don't wanna answer, you don't have to.
I think I will answer, but I'm not going to answer because...
Okay, moving on. What else do we have to talk about?
Well, what do you think the Volvo is?
Frank, we're asking you. Now I don't think you actually know what it is.
If you had to guess, I'm just asking you to guess.
I think, I, I, I'm not, you know what, I'm not quite sure. I am not.
And it is that, he's right. You know what, actually evidently I am not quite there.
I, I am not there, uh, I would, I know it's.
What do you know about it?
Mm-hmm. I know the general area.
Down.
Down in the, like, I can give you the, I could, I could narrow it down to like a.
A square meter.
A square.
That's big.
A big meter.
A square foot.
He's already saying words like inside and in, so.
Well, I think that there is an opening.
On a woman?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of cour-, I mean, we know that.
Duh.
Yeah, yeah. Um, these, like, these specific, uh.
Just point, point.
Yeah. Dead center, or?
I mean. Right.
Wow.
Wow, okay, good.
You have a guess?
No, no, no.
What?
No, no, you're doing a hook, you're doing a hooking thing.
No, no, I was, I was trying to like mimic.
You were trying to mig- mimic. So vulva.
It's.
Oh, might be thinking labia.
Right, okay, what's the labia?
That's the outside thing, I think.
The outside thing, I think.
Is something.
He's looking it up, he's looking it up, he's looking it up, he's cheating, he's cheating, he's cheating, he's cheating, he's looking it up, he's cheating. I'm absolutely not.
He's kidding, he's looking it up.
I would look up the ex- external genitalia encompassing all visible parts between the legs, including the mons pubis, labia majora, labia menorah, clitoris, vaginal opening, urethral opening. You think I would look that up? I knew all that.
That's the vulva.
That's the whole thing.
Did you say menorah back there?
Yeah, I think just menorah and like.
Majora.
Majora, menorah, like.
But the menorah, the, the Jewish menorah.
Not in the, not in the, the Jewish.
But how is that not, how is there not a comparable, like?
I think there's a different spelling and a just different thing.
Well, yeah, I didn't, I didn't think there was eight candles down there.
Yup, I, I, I don't think there is. But I knew all that, I just wanted to make sure that the verbiage I was putting out was a hundred percent accurate. It's, I don't like.
So again, it is.
I don't like to say things here unless I'm like really confident.
Right, so is it inside or outside?
It's the collection. It's the binder of Pokemon cards. You get what I'm saying? Like, yeah, you might have a Lugia, you might have an Entei, you might have a, you know, a Reshiram in there, but the whole binder is the Volva.
Frankie doesn't know Volva. I mean, you don't know Volva.
Stop writing stuff down like you're trying to play gotcha.
And the Labia, you didn't really give a good one on that. I mean, I knew it was kind of the external. He kept saying inside and in.
I mean, what is, what is, what is outside if not an inside from outside? You know what I'm saying?
He's got a point with that. I'm gonna have a nosebleed. Thinking about how that sentence breaks down.
How did we get here from Sesame Street, dude?
Mr. Anatomy Boy. Mr. Anatomy Boy.
I don't get it. You have an issue with Elmo, you have an issue with Cookie Monster. I guess you're only cool with Big Bird?
No, I'm saying I didn't really watch that.
Yeah, I didn't watch it much either. I did love Snuffleufagus, though.
There was a VHS tape that me and my siblings used to watch that, it was called like We Sing or something, and it was one of those things where it was like, like head, shoulders, knees, and toes, like that type of vibe? But it was like, uh, almost animatronic or something in a way?
Was it with, yo, I am going to...
I think it was a movie, though. I don't know.
There was like one of those tapes that we had too, a similar thing, but it was about like littering in the ocean, and it was like an animatronic starfish and fish and otters and shit like that.
And like, it's so like ingrained in my mind that I had, they had all those tapes back then, where it was just like cleaning up and using the potty for kids.
Yeah, yeah. Cleaning up time. Who's the lady on the couch?
Big comfy couch.
Big comfy couch. What was her name?
Do you know her name? I just remember her body was the clock.
She got up there, dude. She was limber. She was like, it's six o'clock. Or no, she'd be like, it's five o'clock. One leg was over here, one leg was over there.
And like, it went around to get there. She's like, making a return.
Big comfy couch is like, on its way back.
Really?
Did you watch Big Comfy Couch?
I gotta see, I was trying to keep up with what you guys were saying.
I listened to the name. If you don't know it, you definitely don't.
You definitely-
It was a giant comfy couch and she sat on it.
And she would like, like dust bunnies would pop out of it and she'd be like, you're here!
With the nose?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I've seen a little of it.
I had a crush on her in like kindergarten.
Well, when you see her doing splits like that in kindergarten, it's waking you up.
I wasn't thinking about that.
Oh, okay.
I think any girl also at that point-
Not me, but I could see why someone would have that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, I probably had a crush on like everyone, to be fair.
Big comfy couch was a big one. That was like our generation's lamb chop.
Right.
Cause lamb chop was I think the eighties and it was like with the, the curly redheaded woman.
And it was lamb chop.
We talked about this a little bit before and I didn't bring it up, but you know the puppet Alf?
Yeah, of course.
Alf. Scared the shit out of me. I was like terrified of that. No.
Alien life form is what it's short for. It's the one with the nose. They made like shows about it in the eighties and shit.
Oh, I've seen it, but I never watched this at all.
Why does that scare you?
Yeah, what are you talking about? Look at it. Look at this. I don't really like it. It looks like a hairy pig.
Puppets and animatronics from the eighties and nineties are fucking rad.
Like remember that show Dinosaurs?
Are puppets a thing anymore? Like, do people have puppets? Like, you got puppets for your kids?
We got puppets.
Yeah, we do have puppets.
We got puppets. I got, I, I have some, I have lamb chop, uh, uh, hush puppy and whatever the other one's name is. Like I have them. Why does that bother you that much?
I don't know, it's just gross.
But like, puppets are still a thing. Like there are books now that have like puppets built into them and shit like that.
Books with puppets?
Yeah, and they're, they're not like super and like crazy ones, but you can go, um, you know how, uh, like Christmas village around Bryant Park? During, during the holiday season?
They got puppets?
There's one stand that you can go and just buy puppets.
Dude, speaking of puppets, how funny is it that like when we watch movies or TV shows about the olden days? The entire town would gather around a little shack. And someone would put on a show with puppets and everyone was like, "This is fucking fire." You know how trash life must have been? Ass. Like, you're excited, like, "The puppet show is coming to town." Yeah, that's crazy. And I'm gonna watch a little wooden puppet walk across a plank. Yeah, and it's like, oh, and there would be like, the king is like, a puppet and then he gets embarrassed and then the person who, who wrote the play gets killed. Well, it's because- Tails all his time. And they were fucking going back to their house and dying by scurvy. Yeah. You know, like, this shit wasn't cool, dude.
You know what I think about? What was sex like back then? Because we're not showering. I mean, they're, they're, they're- They were bathing, Joey. They were bathing. I think- Yeah, but they're bathing in like, they're, they're getting like a three-day-old bucket of water and they're being like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha." Yeah, I mean, I, I imagine that it was- Like Game of Thrones, they're banging. Yeah, I mean, that's, that's- What, you know, that's a good, because isn't there that, the, like, where did we go that one time? The, the Museum of Sex or something like that, right? Yeah. And they went through, like, wasn't there a portion of it that, like, went through, like, old-timey sex? Like, not like showing you, like, "This is how the pilgrims were banging." Old-timey sex. It must have sucked, dude. Oh my god, pilgrims banging each other is gross to think about. I mean, because of-
Must have taken an hour to get all that off. All the buckles. You gotta buckle on your head, buddy. All the buckles. Let me undo this. Yeah. And let my hair down. You know how like- And it's just a white wig. Can you imagine, like, with, you know, like, in movies where it's like, "Let me take your pants off," and the girl, like, unbuckles your pants? So you imagine, she's like, "Let me take your hat off," and just unbuckling your hat and you're getting horny because you're- Well, do they have any movies or anything, like, about, like, love in those times? I guess, like, Wuthering Heights. Which by the way, have you seen it?
No, I haven't seen it.
I saw it.
The one with?
Margot Robbie.
Speaking of Big Bird, Jacob Elordi.
Jacob Elordi and Margot Robbie. I watched it, um, I get the overall like love and the thing. However, there's a curveball in there out of nowhere and I'm like, is that necessary?
Which was?
Do you wanna know? I'll just, I'll just.
Spoiler. I mean, I am not, I am not going to be anytime soon watching it.
I will spoil Wuthering Heights for you guys, whatever, but it's a love story, right? Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi.
I think I know the general, the gist of it.
What's your understanding?
Like, they were like, he was like adopted and like they were raised by the same family.
He was like a poor kid.
And they like found him.
Uh, yeah, exactly. And they were just like, come on, come live with us. And it's like his transition to like live amongst the royals or something like that. And then they like fall in love because he's the scrappy little street rat.
So.
It's Aladdin?
Is it Aladdin?
No, no. So, so yeah, he's just like a poor kid or whatever. And then he like finds his family. So he's staying with them. But in the beginning of the movie, it's Jacob Elordi, but he's all fucked up. He's got long hair, his beard's all fucked and he's like sweaty and shit and whatever. And him and the girl clearly have some sort of rapport, but whatever.
He, they secretly, they're both kind of in love with each other, but they don't really know and whatever. The girl is gonna marry some royal guy who's in town now.
Gotcha.
It helps at that.
Like a snobby British guy?
Uh, he might've been British.
I think they are all British in the movie, aren't they?
He's just like, no, it's gonna be, I'mma marry you.
He wasn't, he didn't sound like that, but there was a lot of rain in this movie.
Uh, the posters had a lot of liquid.
Yeah, it was, oh my God, it was raining like hell.
It was a lot of moisture on the posters.
They kissed each other a couple of times, but it's like she needs to marry this guy because they need to level up. You know what I'm saying? Like you can't, you're fucking poor, bro. And you, and you smell like the, the horses. So that was kind of like the vibe.
You let me know what side you're on, I guess.
No, no, no. I'm just saying like this is, this is the, the, the.
Is she saying that? Like, yo, I don't want you, you stinky fuck.
Basically, she's not saying you stinky fuck. She's ba, she's being like, bro, I gotta like live my life. You know, like, and he's, so he overhears that she's gonna marry this guy, gets tight, bounces.
He does.
Yeah, he takes a horse.
I'm out.
He's like, I'm dipping.
Where's he going?
Fuck a, fuck a final. He go, he disappears into the mist.
You watch.
That was the other thing, mad mist in this movie.
Misty.
Mad misty.
Misty movie.
Rides off into the mist, now she's pissed, where's my guy? Question?
And he lanterns.
And candles and shit.
And like ruins, there's like ruins around too.
Still don't understand how they had candles.
Currently, her, the person she was pursuing ran off, not Jacob Elordi.
She wasn't pursuing him.
No, he was just like, you're gonna do what? You're gonna get married?
Follow it, follow it.
Yeah, you're gonna get married and not marry me because I just stink a little?
Yeah, and then, and then he rides off because he's like, yo, whatever, I stink for sure, but like, fuck. But love.
But like, when they found him, he didn't like start to smell better because he was like living with a rich family now?
He was, he was, he was, but they're, they're like.
You can't ever wash this stink of, of like life off, you know what I mean?
But he.
Certain stinks follow you.
He worked, I guess, in their like stable or something, I'm getting details wrong here.
Stable boy.
So then he.
Well, it's horse stank then.
He dips, right? So she marries this guy, blah, blah, blah. She's having a good time or whatever, she's pissed because she's like, I can't believe this guy left me and, you know, by myself, he's gonna come back. At first she was distraught, she was sitting on the edge of a mountain and she's like, nah, he's gonna come back, delusional.
Wait, waiting for him, he disappears into the mist, she thinks that she's gonna wait on a mountain for him?
Yeah, yeah, she's like.
Famously, no mist on top of mountains, snow, right?
It's like a cliff.
Oh, so you should have specified.
A cloud could get up there.
But he, she's up there on the, on the, on the side of this cliff and she, and she's telling like, uh, the other maid, she's like, he's gonna come back, he's just fucking with me. Like, he'll be back, don't worry, he's just a little dramatic, doesn't come back for years.
Years. How long?
Years.
Does he come back still stinking?
Let me come, let me get to that.
That's not how the story would go, I don't think.
Dude pulls up. Rich and hot.
Right?
Sounds like he found a genie.
So he pulls up rich and hot, he disappeared, he got his life together, I don't know what the fuck he did, he probably like, you know, whatever, but he came back, now he's rich and hot.
Y'all be honest, this really does sound like Aladdin.
I'm saying.
Like, he comes back like full on Prince Ali, fabulous he Ali, ababab.
Is there a pet, is there a cat?
There's no cat.
Any animals?
No animals.
Hmm.
So, hold on, hold on. Kind of an animal, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll get there.
Is he an animal, a stinky animal?
Gonna talk. So, he gets back, right, and now he's rich, and she's like, "Oh wow, you look so good," or whatever, and then obviously, they have some certain conversations on the side.
How long is this movie? This is all happening in two hours?
Yeah, dude. If you've watched a movie, there's a plot, my G. So then, uh, they start having conversations, and then he's like, you know, he wants her, he wants to be with her type thing, and she doesn't want to, now I gotta remember if I remember this correctly. Then, he's, he decides, so let's just fast forward through some mishmash here. He decides, okay, there's another girl, right? Who's like, "I think that dude's sister or some shit," but she like, lives in the house that that dude lives in or something? So he's like, "But, I'm gonna, I'm gonna marry her."
Just to piss off this girl.
Just to-
To piss off Margot Robbie.
Oh, boy.
So now, it's this type of thing, right? However, this is where the wrench comes into the movie, and I'm like, kind of a nest. Tells her, the girl, right, he go, not Margot Robbie, he tells her, he goes, "I'm gonna marry you, and it, and all of this is just to piss her off." "It's just to get her mad."
"And by the way, I'm gonna, we're gonna fuck, but we're gonna fuck like demons."
Oh, like loud, stinky fucking.
Yeah, yeah, he's not stinky anymore.
I mean, again, certain stinks of life stay with you forever.
If you say so.
You're still a stinky Astoria Alleyway boy-
I'll take it.
For the rest of your fucking life, no matter how many fucking blue sweaters you wear. Sorry, that was unnecessary, that was, that was, that fair, I'm sorry.
Fuck. So anyway-
So he says this to demon fucker-
No, he says to the girl, he's like, "Yo, we're gonna get married, I'm just, just getting like, her pissed off, and we're gonna, I'm gonna be rough with you," that type of thing, right?
And what does she say?
She's, she's like, it's, she's kind of like, under the spell, she's like, "Whatever you say, Jacob Loredy, now you're rich and hot."
I mean, and he's also tall as hell.
Yeah, yeah.
You never, it's like, tall, stinky, and rich. Crazy combination.
I mean-
Wait, how does he get rich? Did they ever specify how he no longer became-
They may have, I was kind of in and out, they do breeze over that, though.
Where he's just like, "Oh, shipping," or something like that.
Probably, yeah, import-export.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, logistics, private equity.
Yeah, social media.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so, so, then they start showing-
They start showing stuff.
What do you mean showing stuff, like sex?
Yeah, like sometimes it would be like, he would sprawl her out on the table and then the maid would go, walk in, he'd be like, "It's okay, you can stay and watch." I'm like, "Yeah, what?" He would like chain her up. He would like, this type of shit.
I thought Wuthering Heights was not
Bro.
Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought it was like a romance.
Then at one-
This just sounds like
Yo.
Chain fucking demons.
Then at one point-
In the mist.
Shut up, Frank. Shut the hell up.
Get him.
Then at one point, Margot Robbie gets sick. The maid over there comes back and she's like, "I gotta let this guy know." She walks in the door. He's sitting over here with an apple. Like you, with the knife, with the apple.
Oh. I think that was a private conversation or a Patreon conversation.
Was it? Whatever. So he's like eating an apple with a knife, that type of shit. The girl who he like married her, I don't even know if they got married.
Demon fucked.
Yeah. She's in a, in a, she's got like a chain and she's chained up to like the fireplace. And she's on all fours like a dog. And she's like barking. And the lady's like, "What the fuck is going on in here?"
Why are you so pumped?
I don't know. But like, it's like, I'm like, "What the fuck is this now?"
So Margot Robbie walks in, sees Jacob-
It's not Margot Robbie, it's her maid.
But I thought you said his maid walked in and she was, he was just like, "Yo, you can watch, this is cool."
Different maid, I think.
How many maids do these fucking people have?
I don't know, it was back then.
It was like the eighteen hundreds, yeah, that's fair.
So she's, so then she's on all fours, barking like a dog and he's-
Like a legit barking like a dog.
And like, that was the whole point of that. It was like, because, it was like a, you know, "I've got her under this spell" type of thing, whatever. He finds out Margot Robbie's sick. So now he's like, "What the fuck? She's dying and shit."
He lets her off the leash.
She had, I think she was pregnant at one point. I'm fucking this shit all the way up. Oh, she was pregnant. She gets sick. Oh, and the baby is this dude's. It's Jacob Elordi's.
Wait, they did sex?
They fucked each other, yeah.
They did stinky sex.
Yeah, they did, they did. And I think it was his baby. Oh no, it wasn't his baby.
You gotta figure this the fuck out.
Hold on, I got it, I got it. It wasn't his baby. He thought it was and she's like, "It's not yours, he was tight."
How do they know that back then? How?
Well, she knew that like the timing.
That's fair.
Yeah, so-
She checked her vulva.
She did, she got a pap smear.
I don't know, yeah, I know. But then he's, so then she's like, yo, she tells him like, yo, she's fucking dying. Like, you know, like, whatever. Oh, that's when he like, was like, I'm gonna get back at this girl, cuz he found out she was pregnant with that dude. And he was like, it's not mine, fuck you for life.
I'm gonna have my girl bark like a dog.
Exactly. That was the payback?
Natural payback.
I don't know, yeah. If anyone ever gets your, uh, the love of your life ever gets pregnant, you just find someone adjacent to her and turn her into a dog.
For the record, I haven't watched this movie. I imagine that there's points to all this that you are just completely skipping.
I don't know that that's true, to be honest. I really think I'm nailing it.
I believe it was directed by Emerald Fennel, and, like...
Emerald Fennel sounds like an herb.
Well, Fennel is, it's a plant.
And it's green.
And, yeah.
I don't think there's any dogs in Aladdin.
No, no, no. But, hold on, hold on.
There's birds, there's a tiger.
So the, so the ending is the beautiful part, where she's dying from like sep- sepsis. This bitch is green, or like, white, she's like laying in her bed.
The irony, now she stinks!
She's dying in her bed.
And he, he's trying to get there to see her before she dies. And, uh, spoiler, doesn't.
She doesn't die?
She, no, he doesn't make it, she dies.
Ah. Well, you, you just, you crazy, you're spoiling a like, four-month-old movie.
I said spoiler!
No, he's doing fine, he's doing fine.
You know our fans like this?
I'm fully, I'm fully in.
I said spoiler, spoiler, spoiler, we're talking about it.
Yeah, but you don't want people to stop watching.
It's far too late now.
It's fine.
I'm fully in.
So then, so then, uh, he doesn't make it, and then he like, gets in her fucking face, her dead face, she's so dead at this point.
How dead?
Uh, dead, like, white.
So she really stinks?
Yeah, probably, I assume. Oh, she's not decomposing, she like, just died in her bed.
I mean, in theory, she is decomposing the minute she dies.
You're obsessed with stink.
A little bit.
And then he says something like, uh...
Like, he wants her to come back and like, just like, you know, cuz they were like, it was very tumultuous the entire time, and it's like, I want you to like, piss me off, or whatever, like...
Just fucking stink for me.
No.
Whatever, but that was the whole love story, but the whole wrench, and then, and then whatever, that movie kinda ends like there. Like, there's not like a...
Was the...
The girl stole a dog back at the house.
She's still, she's still on her leash, in front of the fire.
And then the love of his life just dies, and she was pregnant, I believe miscarried at the same time. The guy who, uh, who she married is like outside, and he was actually outside when Jacob Elordi pulled up, and he was like, "You don't wanna go in there, she's dead." He was like, "Yo, she's dead in there." And he's like, "I'm going in."
Who, I need to know the other actors in this movie, like...
Uh, those are the two I know. Um, Owen Cooper's in it for a bit, he's like the young...
The young kid.
Yeah, the young kid.
Oh, he plays like the young, stinky kid.
Yeah. Young, stinky Jacob Elordi.
That's the credit at the end of the movie. Young, stinky Jacob Elordi, uh, Owen Cooper, congratulations.
Uh, okay.
Academy Award winner.
Alright, I mean, I know that you've butchered that to the point where people that are fans of the actual content are going to fucking smoke you.
Or they're gonna love it. Like, I feel like I did it kind of like a joke.
Honestly, I don't see why we can't have, here's what we should do. We should have an episode where we just watch crazy out there movies and just try to our fucking best of our ability to re- review them. Or like, not even review, summarize them. That's what you just did. I'm saying, like, if we did a whole, like, Patreon episode doing that or something like that, because...
Of one of those movies?
Because like, if I were to sit you in front of like Requiem for a Dream and just be like, "What's that movie about?", and just see what you say. Or like Eraserhead, just like the weirder movies that are out there.
Not that Requiem's weird, it's a little more dark, but... Okay, so, here, I'm going to re- respond, I'm gonna just kind of repeat back to you what you told me.
After these messages.
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I'm going to summarize the movie and you just tell me if I'm right or if I'm wrong.
Margot Robbie lives with a rich family. She finds a stinky little British boy.
No, she's not rich. She's like, middle-class. That's why she's trying to level up.
Oh, by the way, a detail I forgot to mention, dad hammered 24/7.
All the drunk, all the times.
Like mad hammer.
Who plays the dad?
I don't know.
Good drunk acting is hard to do.
So like, I can imagine like that would be impressive.
You know who played a great drunk? Nick Nolte. Killed me in Warrior. Oh my god.
Uh, yeah, he also, like, I think he might actually just be drunk.
Nick Nolte?
Yeah, I don't know. Mr. Nolte, if you're alive. Well, if you're not alive, I hope everything's alright. I don't know where I'm getting at.
If, if you walked into, like, your friend invited you over, and you walked into their house, and their partner is just on a leash. You'd be like, like, they invited you for dinner, and they're just, oh, yeah.
Yeah, that would be, I, I, I think, I would, I mean, I would just say something. You have to address it. I'd be like, what the fuck is this? Like, if it was like a, haha, we're just joking around. Okay, but if it's like a, no, like, this is seriously what I'm into, I might need to remove myself. Like, just be like, alright, I'm out. I'm not, I'm not, that's how they got the Diddy people, because the Diddy people didn't say anything.
I see. I would, um, I would have some questions. I'd be like, oh, what's that about?
You'd want to know the ins and outs of their leash play?
Well, I, I also think that it's a little disrespectful if you're going to do that, if you're gonna do some kink stuff in front of company that doesn't know. I think that's kinda fucked.
So, let's do one, one, in the same vein. If you go over to someone's house, and them and their couple, like, it's just like, oh, they, uh, they wear a diaper, I gotta go change them, I'll be right back.
Oh, man. Um, just go. Like, don't tell me. Yeah, like, I, I personally, from what I've learned from doing OPL is that people that are in the kink communities think that it's a bad thing if you're just going to, like, do stuff like that in front of people that have no idea what's going on. Like, you shouldn't do that. I mean,
I mean, that invites, that invites the, the side, sideways looks, you know, like,
Well, yeah, that's why I'd be like, what is she doing?
Yeah, we don't need, we don't need all this. We don't need all this on the, like, you can do this in your own time. Like, or just don't invite, I don't have to come over.
Let's go upright.
Or just, like, give me a precursor here. Just like, hey, just let you know, my wife and I, she's a dog.
And I'll be like, okay, is that like a, yeah.
I would, I would, I would kindly, if that were the case, I would just be like, alright. I don't need to come over.
I don't, I'm okay.
If you can't turn off the dog for an hour and a half, that I can come over and hang out for dinner or something?
I can hang out with the dog, with your wife dog.
Brother, you cannot.
You will not be able to.
Why, what am I gonna do?
You will be very uncomfortable.
Oh, yeah.
And I'll be fine.
Yeah, as, as long as they don't ask me to pet her, or him.
Pet her?
Yeah, like a dog, and it depends what, what's happening at dinner. Like, if, if a food bowl comes out, that's when I'd be like, oh, man.
Brother, the leash is out. What do you mean if a food bowl comes out? They're there. They're at the fucking, you know, they're at the park.
I mean, I'm not gonna leave. What am I, that's.
I would just say, hey, respectfully.
I, I don't feel comfortable with this, you guys kinda doing this on display. If it's what you do in your own time, that's fine. It's just not for me to be around.
Sure, I would, I would just have questions. It's like, alright, if you're gonna put it out here, I'm gonna ask.
Yeah, let's, let's go.
I mean, but that's what they want. They want it to be like, then they get back and it was just like, you left, you are a bad doggy.
Yeah, right.
And they were like, that's what they, that, you're playing into their game. You're fucking helping with the kink. Cause then they're gonna be like, Joey thought I was a bad doggy.
Well, I didn't say that. I, I was just asking like, oh, what's going on? Like, is this a joke or whatever? And if it's real, and they're like, oh, yeah, this is, uh, you know, this is my wife, she likes to be a dog.
What would he do if they then full on pissed on the carpet?
If she ripped a pee?
Like on a wee wee pad?
Hmm, yeah, I mean, I would, I mean, what is she, naked?
Ah, in their pants.
She peed her pants?
Yeah. Um, you're there, brother. Ask your questions.
I feel like a skirt scenario probably make more sense, or?
Oh, I don't, I mean, I feel like nudity is definitely crossing a line.
Oh, yeah, that's crazy.
That's why I said pants on, but they're like, they make, they make an oopsie. They make an oopsie.
You know?
Yeah, I mean, I would definitely.
Doggy went in the house.
I would definitely just be like, yeah, this is like, very, uh, there's a lot going on here, sir. Like, this is.
You sound like inconsiderate guest is what you sound like, Frankie.
I would say.
Brother, if that makes me an inconsiderate guest, no problem.
I do think it's a little inconsiderate of the host to not give someone a precursor of like.
Bro, if I went over to your house and then you, your fucking partner's there, just like. Tied up and it's just like, yeah, it's just what we do. I'd be like, why would you even ask me to come over?
Yeah, this is not the time.
Like why, like the, exactly, like, there, like, that would be like, you wanted me to see this.
Oh man. It'd be such a funny prank too to pull, like invite you guys for dinner and just one of your friends is doing that. It's like, it's all, it's all a bit would be great.
I mean, at this point, if it was one of my friends, I would certainly speak up.
I, I honestly, like, it would need to be someone I know so well that like, if they told me it was a joke, I'd be like, yeah, I know it's a joke. Because like, if it was someone that I was like, teetering on like, I don't know if this could be a joke or not, that's way worse.
How would you feel if I told you that like, I'm actually into it? Like, we do it.
Good for you. I would be so supportive of you and your kink.
Who's on the leash?
Who do you think?
It's him, right?
It's him, 100%. It's Dom play.
It's okay.
Wait, I mean, no, seriously, like, I would, I would make it a point to be like, over the top supportive. So like, there was no room for like, he, he's judging me. I would legitimately be supportive of whatever that would be for you.
But if you came over.
But if I came over and it was in the room, I would have to talk with you and just be like, it!
Crazy.
That's my fucking life.
I'm talking, talking about like, it, it being the display.
Like.
You'd be like chill.
I would just be like, dude, you didn't need to do this while I was here.
So if I told you that, right? If I told you that, I'm like, yeah, we're coming into this thing, whatever. And then one time you came over and like, it was dog time.
I mean, I would hope that you would be able to schedule dog time around your fucking visitors.
Yeah, but, yeah.
It's not nap time for a child. You're consenting adults. You can move dog time.
Sometimes you just gotta bark, man.
Yeah, sometimes it's like, it just takes over you.
It's just, you know, the bark is bigger than the bite, you know?
Yeah. The bark is in you forever.
It's, that's one of those things you can't get rid of.
Yeah, it feels like my fault, my bad.
What would you do if like?
Another universe, you're going on dates with people and they're like, "I'm a reformed doggy."
Reformed?
Like, "I used to be into like, doggy king play. I don't do that anymore."
First of all, is this a first date?
This is an electric first date.
This is what I'm looking for.
I, I, I mean, I would have tons of questions. I would be like, "Yo, what are we talking about here?"
That wouldn't be like, an immediate like, "All right, respectfully, I'm bowing out."
Oh, why?
Come on. Personally? I'm imagining this person is fucking shitting on the sidewalk and stuff like that.
You go right to defecation. There's a lot more. The pup is like, you jump over stuff. You like to wear a collar.
Yeah, I, I, I think it just...
Remember girls wore chokers? What's the difference?
Yeah! I remember, I, I very much so remember Julia Stiles. Trust me.
Chokers were the th-
She had hundreds of those, dude. Any fucking premiere she was at-
Do you remember the, the black ones that were like, kind of like lace it looked like?
It was like this, yeah. Julia Sti- Bro, pull up any picture of Julia Stiles from the mid 2000s and I can almost guarantee she had one of those on.
I like, I liked them.
I remember they made them for like, ankles, too.
Did they?
Whenever girls wore those in like, middle school, I was like, "I kinda like this."
All pictures of not. Not, not in a single one. I mean, there's a, there's a necklace.
Just type in "choker." Uh, I don't know if that's what we should be putting out there.
Aren't those what those called? Chokers?
Yeah, yeah, they are.
I think so. We don't gotta put it in, is that right? Josh was never sure.
Yeah, something like that.
Was it misery?
Ten Things I Hate About You?
No, there was another one where she like played like a bad kid.
I think it was Ten Things I Hate About You.
No, no. No, there was another one. Fuck, I think it was called misery. Um, not to confuse it with the Kathy Bates.
Kathy Bates misery.
I mean, I'm not gonna ask you to look up Julia Stiles' filmography, but like, I remember it was always on like RCN at the time.
No, we're past that. But, so, you go on a date and someone's like, "Oh, I used to be into pup play." Not that they are currently, but they're...
But like, if they're do- if, if it got to the point where like, I had to back out of it, I'd be like, "It got bad, dude."
Or maybe they're just not into it anymore. Maybe the pup left.
But what, the pup ran off. What happened, like, I feel like if you're committing to pup play.
You know, you're in for the whole shebang.
You think it's a lifelong thing?
I imagine, like, I'm sure you could grow out of it, sure, but like, what happened at that person's life? At tha- in that person's life, that made them go, "I'm wiping my paws with this one, I'm out."
Well, dogs age faster, so maybe, you know, you just get out of it faster. You get too big for the yard? Yeah. I think that maybe it was like some- maybe, what if she was just indulging in what her partner at the time was into? Like, he was really into pup play. So she was like, "Alright, I'll pup it up."
Ah, yeah, it's just, it's, it's, it's a very strange thing to me.
I would respect that crazy. If she was like, "I wasn't really the, the OG pup."
I respect people having their thing, wholeheartedly. I think like, there's a level for it that personally, I would not be able to look past. It would just be too, it's too weird of a thing for me, and weird in not a non-disrespectful sense, that like, it would just be hard for me to not, like, I'm an over thinker. You know I'm, I'm an over thinker. It would be hard for me to not look past, to look past that, excuse me.
Does it matter if she was a cat instead of a pup? Ooh, good question.
That's a really great question. It would almost be...
Worse if she was a cat?
I think, because cats have more like licking of themselves and hairball things and litter boxes.
You say, wait, is, you're saying the cat's worse?
I think it's a little deeper in there, you know?
Okay. That would be a wonderful conversation.
Yeah, I'm sure, you, have you guys talked to a former puppy on the, on OPL?
And?
Oh, no, they were a current.
They were barking it up.
Uh, no. It's, it's more of like, there's masks. We looked them up once on the show.
Yeah, I remember. I remember the masks, yes. I remember, I remember when we looked up those masks.
So you wear the mask?
Not cheap.
No, bro, it's leather.
Artisan artwork.
Yeah, I mean, it's tough.
Artisan crafted doggy mask.
There's a market for sure.
Good, uh, listen, all the power to...
I also would say, like, what I was gonna say is like, if she was like, I wasn't the, the OG pup. My partner at the time was really into it, so I indulged. I'd be like, that's fire.
It's cool. I, I hear what you're saying, yes, sure, fine, but if they were to say like, I bowed out.
Even if she hung up the paws?
I would be like, why?
Why did she hang up the paw?
Why, why, why are you no longer?
Oh, she's like, I just wasn't that into it. Like, I was like, into it for him.
Yeah, and then they broke up, and now you're not into it. But like, like, that gets to a breaking point. Does that, like, am I making sense by saying that, like?
What gets to a breaking point?
If you get to the point where it's like, I'm just, I wasn't that into it, it's like, alright, something happened, or almost happened,
The breakup.
to put you into that...
Breakup. It was like, I'm no longer with the pup guy, and I don't, I don't need the pup.
I got the mask just in case.
Just 'cause she nibbled a little bit in the pub, doesn't mean she went full pub.
I mean, maybe she went full pub.
Maybe she did.
First of all, I would respect that. I actually wouldn't respect just, just being, just one foot in, one foot out of the pub. You're gonna pup or you're gonna knock in a pub?
Yeah, go pup, go full pup.
Go full pup, if you're gonna, if you're gonna pup, pup!
The point that I was trying to make, and I was trying to review the fucking Wuthering Heights movie and summarize it. How the fuck did we get to pup land?
Alright, here we go. From what you said.
Stinky Jacob Elordi gets found by middle-class fucking Margot Robbie.
Yeah, it's raining.
Raining, mist everywhere, always someone is wet.
And then, she's like, he's like, oh, you know what? Fuck this, I'm out. Because you like fucking rich guy, and you only wanna be with him for status. And then he comes back, he's like, guess what? Now I'm the status.
And fuck you, so I'm gonna take his fucking sister, and I'm gonna make her bark like a puppy.
Yep.
And, I'll show you, Margot Robbie, I'm no longer that stinky little sad boy that soiled his pants all the time.
Uh huh.
Now I'm fucking prim and proper and probably wearing an ascot.
Maybe.
If there's not an ascot in that movie, there's lanterns.
Oh, there's ascots.
And then it's like, you know what? You stayed a piece of shit for too long. I'm Margot Robbie, I'm dying, I'm dead, now I stink. And you're now rich and miserable because you didn't, you didn't decide to be a good guy.
Essentially. But they all, they, they loved each other throughout.
Crazy. But they smelled like shit. They never smelled like shit at the same time. That's what I'm getting here. Is that at different points, different people had different stinks. They never matched their stink up to go full stink together. They never sent the stink. It's like, he's like, oh, I'm a little kid, I smell like shit. And she's just like, alright, I don't. And then I smell like shit, but you smell better because now you use hot baths and stuff because you're rich and British now.
You're not listening, but he's actually, he's actually speaking.
Thank you. So like,
It's like, right, right people wrong time.
The message of the story, the moral of the story is match the stink. If love is more powerful than stink.
Love is more powerful?
Yeah. Love overpowers, the stench of love is better than the stench of dog shit.
No, your point is reversed, I think.
Yeah, you were building to the,
Well, no, they were fighting their love. When, when, and then because of doing that, they both have different stinks.
You did have something.
I still got it.
It's like, right, right people, wrong time, is what he was getting at, I think.
Right stink, wrong time.
Wrong stink, wrong time.
I tried.
It's not about to stink at all.
Tried my best.
I mean, when you got a little smelly like dog shit Jacob Elordi. I can't even do it.
What could you possibly be writing over there?
Uh, right stink, wrong time.
Got it.
I imagine that
Mr. Elordi, first of all, don't beat me up because you're like 6'12" and probably could wipe the floor with me.
That would just be seven foot.
I'm not saying you stink. Your character probably smelled like dog shit.
Yeah. Was this the interviews where Margot Robbie was essentially saying like, "Oh, I yearn for him still?" Yeah, I think that's like a whole marketing thing that they do now in Hollywood where it's like, "Oh, if you make it seem like the actors are in love, then people will go see the movie." Like, "Will they, will not they?" Yeah, that type of shit. Alright. I'm not, I didn't love that.
I know, like, there were some other...
It's also weird.
There were some other awkward, like, inner, like, press junkets and stuff like that, too. Like, the famous one was the one last year with Pedro Pascal and Vanessa Kirby for Fantastic Four. Where like, she's like stroking his back and like, he's like, "Well, no, it's alright, guys, because I have anxiety and she's helping me."
Yeah, I mean, I have, like, I don't know. Like, if that, if that isn't a marketing thing, like, that would be so weird, because she's married. You know what I mean? I'm like... I agree. This is a weird comment.
Yeah, and I'm sure he was lurching around with someone at that time, too.
Lurching?
Lurch, like, tall.
Yeah, you know, lurch.
Addams Family.
Good job, dude.
I know snapping songs.
You crushed that. You absolutely crushed that.
Snapping?
No, the, the, knowing that it's from the Addams Family.
Oh, yeah, there's only one lurch in the world.
Alright.
Is that an actual verb?
Lurch? Lurk. But I was lurch, lurching in reference to the fact that he's giant.
And jury's out on if he actually does stink.
He looks like he smells good. Not in the movie.
Well, he's fucking always soaking wet, wearing old-timey English clothes. There's no chance he smelled good.
I know. And he was chopping a lot of wood. When he gets angry, he chops wood in that movie. Gets pissed and he starts chopping wood.
When's the last time you chopped wood, Frankie?
Not that long ago.
He has a fireplace.
No. Well, no, my fireplace now is, uh, gassed. But like, at the lake, like, five years ago, I was chopping wood? If that, maybe even sooner.
I can't, I don't even know the last time I chopped wood. I would chop wood at my friend's Long Island house, and it's just one of those friends where his dad would trick me into doing manual labor. His dad?
My dad, that was my dad, big time, dude, big time.
His dad, his dad's like masterful at it. His dad will just ask you like...
When he says masterful, it's really disrespectful.
No, no, no. It's masterful. You don't know it's coming, and you know it's coming, but you don't know that it's right now.
Well, because you would think that he had the wherewithal to know that the kids that stayed up until 4 a.m. drinking don't want to be up at 9 a.m. to flip a dock.
Whoa.
Brother.
Brother, dude. Not an exaggeration either, like.
One time.
Thirty by thirty square, pressure-treated wooden docks with barrels tied underneath them.
And then it's like, let's make a bunch of eleven-year-olds flip this.
Well, we were like twenty at the time.
Yeah, we were. I'm joking.
And then it's like, the best way to flip it is to get it straight up and then walk it down. Yo, this thing weighed like five thousand pounds, and there's twenty twenty-year-olds like trying to figure it all out. It was tough, dude.
Yeah. I remember one time I was, uh, I was staying at Espo's house, or, and, um, it was like dinner time, and we were out on the lake, so we were like, alright, we're going back. And I, I was like, I'm just gonna swim back. So I swam back, and like, there's like a little beach by Frank's house, so that's where I got out, because it was like too far to get all the way to Espo's house, so I was like, fuck that. As I get out, his dad's like, he just helped me, I think there's a hole in this thing. In like one of the things. I'm like, yeah.
Hour and a half, looking for this hole. And he's like, you put water.
Water and soap, and you see where it bubbles. Yeah, classic.
And it was like an hour and a half. Love Frank to death, though.
Well.
Was there a hole? Yeah, there's cer- was that you? Did you hear that?
Did your balls just drop out of your pants?
The giant bank?
Was there a hole?
I was like, what the fuck was that? That was crazy. It was like a, the start of like a fucking like techno song. Doom, doom.
He doesn't listen to techno.
I don't listen to techno.
Um, would you go, like, if we were like in Berlin, would, would we go to like a deep house, like, fucking?
Let me tell you where I, the places I don't want to be most on the planet.
But just for the experience?
So I can go listen to fucking Diplo?
Not Dip-.
Diplo? Why don't you shut up in Diplo to suck these nuts, baby? I don't even like that one. You don't need to like it. It's there. And, would you kindly?
Wow, did you start the techno thing?
Yeah, you gotta hit one of the got 'em. That was pretty good.
Got 'em so good, baby. Got 'em so good.
Dip low and suck these balls?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not bad. That's not bad.
I think that's a pretty good one. And, and I like, was calm during it. I didn't
I didn't like stumble my way through it as I have done.
And I was calm during it.
As I have done so many other times.
Well, did I get you with that one? Were you, like, did you see it coming?
No, it was, it was very fast.
I'm so glad.
I think cause he, he fired off because he got a little excited about the techno thing and then it was just, it now it all.
Yeah, no, I cannot imagine wanting to go to like an electronica.
Are we going or are we where he's going? Like, are we in the cool area or are we just going? I'm not going.
Oh, well, yeah, he's not going. He's not going.
But I'm saying like, are we like, are we just going and being in the pit? I don't want to do that.
I, I, I, also, I don't want to like hear a DJ just going like, "Fucking Joey!" Come on!
They're German.
Oh, so.
It's like.
The same voice. Very, very Euro! Jazz! Electronic! No, I, I did it again. Fuck, I can't find my German.
We'll start with a different German, then go there.
I can't find my. So like, "You want me to...
...blazing floating...
...go to electronica?"
Now bring it over.
Now fucking go to electronica! No, it wasn't working there. Sorry.
I can't find my German.
You would go?
Yeah, dude, I mean, I'm there. Might as well. I don't know how like, you know, it's not like I'm gonna do that.
The lights and the, like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom alone would give me a heart attack.
Yeah, yeah, it would be intense.
That would be a lot. There'd be a lot of mist there too. Maybe stinky Jacob Elordi's also there. Get to the ads.
I'd wear like a fishnet shirt. Yeah. You know what I mean?
You're trying to introduce fishnets as a normal part of your wardrobe. He is, right? He is.
How am I doing that?
And it's fair because you do have the build for it, which is good.
You're experimenting with fishnets.
You want an example? When have I mentioned that? Well, you wore...
You wore one to the iHeart Podcast Awards.
That's right. It wasn't really fishnet.
Adjacent. It was adjacent.
It was closer to fishnet than anything that either of us... Anything that I've ever worn in my entire life.
You couldn't give your jacket away.
You know? Yeah.
Get to these ads. We'll talk about your fishnet obsession after this.
I don't have an obsession. Everything's fine. We do have some more sponsors. This one being Squarespace. Squarespace is the platform where you can build your website. If you want a professional-looking website, you can build those with Squarespace, alright? They have a bunch of templates that make it very easy to choose from. You pick one, you swap out the photos and the text, and you can have a professional-looking website in a short amount of time. I've used other platforms before. Takes forever. Very annoying. Squarespace is very easy. I've literally done it in a day to create a landing page, and we've used it a bunch here. So, I would suggest that to anyone. If you make content, or if you have an ecommerce business or anything like that, you're gonna want to use Squarespace. They also have a bunch of tools that are going to help you
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Back to Joey's fishnet. He's now, is it getting to the point? Cause this is the second time he's brought it up. Well, you wore it the first time and now you're bringing it up like, where are fishnets? When do we label him Fishnet Joe?
It was more just a lapse of fishnet judgment, I feel, for a second.
I don't think, by the way, the most frustrating part of this is you pulled it off and you looked good. If you looked bad, I wouldn't be making fun of you for it. Actually, I would, but just not as intensely.
So like, if you're trying to just soft launch-
It wasn't really fishnet.
If you're trying to soft launch fishnets, that's fine, I support you. Just let us know so we don't make fun of you and make you feel bad about what you're wearing.
I don't believe that about you.
What? What does that mean?
I'm wearing blue.
I said you looked like Cookie Monster.
Twice.
Sue me, I made an observation.
Twice with, with intent, with mal-intent.
The intent was to show you that I know Cookie Monster colors.
I don't think that you can hear yourself speak sometimes, buddy.
You're damn right. I don't need to listen to myself speak.
You love it.
I don't need to listen.
You do, you, you, if you're trying to make fishnets work, I just want you to know you look good when you wore them, and I support it.
I don't consider that fishnet. It's porous, a bit, but it's not, like, fishnets, like, you could see through it. It's like Jeff Hardy.
That was more, I guess, he's right, but fishnets are more-
If I was wearing a fishnet shirt, you'd see my nipples.
Brother, we, we didn't not see your nipples.
Saw my nipples? There was, there was nipples about, like, you know, nipple there.
What was that?
Oh, he knows where your nipples are.
Forget him.
Yeah, maybe. Did we know someone who was like, "I'm really good at this, I can tell you where your nipples are"? Some girl.
Yeah, it's like a...
Wait, what?
I did an anime move on you, but that's how you do it. Center chest, boop, nipples right there.
Is that true?
Wait, so center chest?
Nipple. No.
Well, no, no, I mean, you're not really-
You could see where Ryan is.
I'm fucking cock-eyed.
Yours, that's, your shirt's almost fishnet. Like this?
No, it's a white t-shirt.
Like this?
And then I what? Bend my hand?
Yeah, and then, boop, should be right there.
That is my nipple.
No. Also, no.
I don't know how center chest you are, but-
Brother, I know my chest.
He is center chest.
Yeah, you drop it?
Yeet, nipple. I think I am. Um...
Come here, try it.
Cause I'm doing it.
Let's see.
And be on it, and don't actually pinch my nipple, please, cause I fucking hate my nipples.
Alright, so... Get in the center of that thing.
Here's my center chest.
That's not my center chest, brother.
Brother, it's...
Okay, you drop nipple.
He got you?
He, that one he got. The other one is fucking lazy-eyed. It's looking around.
That's kind of a cra- why do you know that?
This kid loves nipples.
Why do you know that this like, this thing? Sometimes you just know things.
Were you breastfed?
I think so.
That's how he knows. He was like, "Mom, just wait there."
Too much.
It's a wild fucking image. Um, that's just one of those things that you know?
Gave everyone an image of that.
I mean, I was breastfed. You were breastfed too, right?
What's wrong with that? Now you got somebody against breastfed people?
Not necessarily.
I also don't know if I was, I assume.
Last child, I feel like usually maybe not breastfed.
Yeah, I mean, I was lucky I was fed at all.
At that point.
Your mom's gonna hear that. She'd be like, "Joey, tell the people that I fed you appropriately."
No, my mom fed us. She was great.
You were very, you were nourished.
I got you, Liz. Don't worry. I'm not gonna allow him to drag your name on a fucking podcast.
Um, how did we get there?
We were talking about your fishnet obsession.
Oh, my nipples.
Fishnet session.
Right, my nipples were not out. That's the thing.
They were like... There, you know, like, when a room is completely dark...
Your eyes adjust to the light and you can see a little. You know what I'm saying?
You could probably see like, there is some sort of shadow if I squint and that's where his nipple is. But it's not like, it's like out.
I need to see, I, I, I don't think pictures will do it justice. I need to see... The shirt that you had purchased.
Easiest solution, we'll just go win another award. And he'll just win, he'll just wear it.
I could wear it on the show.
Wear it on the show. I mean, oh god, as if you need to look better.
I'm gonna get wear a jacket.
Someone's playing dice, dropping fucking-
Yeah, that scared me. There was a sound that sounded like a little-
Dumbbells and then a little girl like-
Yeah, that's why I don't like it.
Yeah, that is scary.
Squeaking and hearing like a little girl laugh or something.
Sometimes, sometimes when you both leave and I'm here, it could get really dark in here.
Bro, it gets mad dark in here.
Well, cause we, we, we black everything out.
Bro, at night, when I have left this place and shut all the lights, I'm like, I legitimately can't see a thing.
I, I call the elevator first and get that light and then I turn off the lights and go in.
I get scared.
Were you the kid that like ran up the stairs of the basement like?
I, I, I still have to mentally make it a point to be like, I'm, I'm, I'm a grown, I'm grown.
Yeah, like there's nothing down here, this is my house.
But then one time something did fall over and, and that, that scared me.
Um, do you still go up the stairs on your like hands sometimes?
I don't have access to that many stairs.
No, I don't.
Like, I live in an apartment with no stairs.
Um.
You don't do it?
I, I, I, I'm not, I, like, I used to do it and be like, I'm Pikachu, but like-
Pikachu?
Yeah. But like, I, I haven't done that. I can't even tell you the last time I did that.
Damn.
That's the sad part.
Dude, speaking of sad, I saw a fucking TikTok recently and it really sent me down a bad path. And it was like, it was so sweet. It really, I'm so sensitive these days for some reason, but it was a guy who had a lovely voice and he was singing Frank Sinatra, "My Way" to a bunch of old ladies in a retirement home.
Oh, I saw that and there was that one woman that was just like-
She was like mouthing the lyrics and I was like, this is breaking my heart.
Because he, he's going like, "And now, the end is near."
Well, yeah, I mean, that's kind of fucked up to sing that to a bunch of old people though.
That's what I mean. Well, the, the comments are saying that-
Like, hey, guess what? You're gonna die soon.
"So I face the final curtain," and she's like singing along. I'm like, oh my God, she knows she's gonna die soon. And like, that's just so sad. The comments, though, he was like, it's because people were saying that. And the kid wrote, um, this was a request. Someone requested it.
Someone requested like.
Yeah, just going in there and firing off songs about being close to the end is crazy. But it just made me cry. And then I saw a bunch of sad videos.
Bro, I saw one like two days ago that was like, and it was like a news story someone did. It was like an old man had lost his wife. And he was just like grumpy and miserable and pissed. And then he was in a grocery store and like a little girl like asked him for a hug. And he was like, I had never, I had, I literally was living to like, living to die, waiting to die. And then this little girl just asked me for a hug and like, they like bonded and like would like spend time together and stuff like that.
Don't even. I have chills.
Oh, he's going.
I literally have chills. Also, I saw this other thing and this, I, I was a, I was a fucking mess, bro. I was a mess watching this. Uh, I'm not even gonna pull the video because I'm gonna, I'm legitimately gonna cry. I mean, that one I won't talk about. I'll talk about the other. You know what? We're gonna talk about.
Just do it, baby. Who cares? This is the tail end of the.
There's a, there's a, a video that this one got me going. I'll just read it. But because it's just a video of like a bunch of kids that are, they look like they're in their early twenties.
Hugging this woman. And it says, two years ago on Mother's Day, we said goodbye to my brother after his battle with cancer. Today, for the second year in a row, his friend surprised my mom for Mother's Day. A beautiful reminder that love lives on through the people he touched. Right? Right. So I see this video and it's like all the kids are there and they're hugging the mom. And then they're in her like driveway and they're just playing basketball. The next video is some guy talking about that video. And then like, he adds in that, oh, it's such a sweet thing. Because her mom, because the mom gets to watch the kids through the window, playing in the.
Driveway.
Playing in the driveway. And it reminds her of like her son and, and I'm like, fuck this app.
That's beautiful.
Fuck this app to hell.
That is beautiful. Yeah. I mean, every now, like I said, every like month and a half, my, my algorithm just becomes like, we're gonna make you cry. And fucking hard and fat.
Like there was one where it was like, and I've seen this sentiment, like other people have posted it as well. And it's just like, like, uh, you know, like the, the, the music for, oh, you've never seen Inside Out. The fact that you have not watched Inside Out, bro, that first movie is going to fucking ruin you.
I can't.
It's going to ruin you, but it's like the, the music from Inside Out and it's like kids playing. And it's like, when I'm 80, this will be what I dream about. And it's like they're kids and stuff like that and.
Yeah. It's so fucked, dude.
You know what's crazy and you'll get there when you have kids? You can't have kids and like just be happy about having kids. The internet needs to consistently remind you of like, they're not going to be this young forever. Cherish it now. They're only getting, you're going to remember this and miss it one day. And it's like, I fucking know that.
Shut up asshole.
I saw this other video.
That's it. That's all I got.
And it was, it was, it was so nice, but it, it just like enraged me afterward too. It was this little girl and she's at Disney or whatever. And it says, watch my daughter who has recently started to experience body image. She's fucking eight, by the way. Watch my daughter who has recently started to experience body image issues and questioning if she's pretty. See herself as a Disney princess. And apparently they do like a.
It's like a glam thing. Yeah, yeah.
And then they turn her around and she lights up and I'm very happy and I'm like, this is so cute. And then I remember the beginning of that and I'm like, who do we kill?
Yeah, big time.
Who's causing the body image issues?
Who needs to get run over by a monster truck? What's going on?
That'd be a good way to get them. Yeah. Uh, I am fully, those Disney videos get me because there was one day Ruby was like, can I see videos of Disney princesses? And I was like, sure. Yeah, no problem. I like went on Tik Tok. I typed like Disney princess and it's. You know, little kids.
Meeting Disney princesses.
And she is like enamored because in her head, she's like, they're in movies.
And they're in real life.
And then they're there and like, I can maybe one day, and I'm fucking hysterically crying.
And she's, and all she does is she looks at me and she's like, are you crying?
And I'm like, yeah, I am.
That, that crying, a big deal.
I was talking to my dad because my dad went a couple of years ago with my, my nephews, my sister and them. And he said like, seeing the kids make that connection in real life, like it melts any of the toughest people in the world.
No, I, I just.
The toughest people in the world.
Some of those videos are so fucking, you know, there's a rule that like.
They can't break the hug first.
Love that shit.
Good.
Love that.
Bro, listen, Disney, we can be critical of, of so many things.
You're a monopoly.
We can be very critical of so many things. The immersion that they want, the, the experience they want to create. I haven't experienced it yet, but from what I understand, the experience they want to create for children going to the parks and stuff like that. You have to tip a cap to that. Yes, maybe it's because they want them to come back and spend all their money, whatever, but it does mean something. You know what I mean?
No, it's unbelievable, dude. The videos, there's like compilations of children meeting like Disney characters and I'm like, oh my God, dude, I'm never gonna stop crying.
Never gonna stop. Rob Zombie.
Never gonna stop, but never gonna. A name I haven't even thought about. Dragula.
I, I, I remember Dragula, but I never.
I was thinking of Never Gonna Stop because it was Edge's theme song.
You think you know me.
Oh, my derango, only ninety-five. Take me to the wrong damn, damn, damn line.
Dude. Bro, you don't know Rob Zombie, do you?
I know.
You don't know shit just because of horror movies, you fuck.
Why does he, why do I know Dragula? Was that in a video game or something like Twisted Metal?
It probably was. It probably was.
Dragula's such a good song.
I know so many songs I never otherwise would have known because of video games. You know, so Dragula's probably there.
Madden, another one.
Matt, there was a-
Never scared.
Well, no, that was a banger that I knew, period. But like, I remember like Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 had a bunch of like those songs.
Goldfinger.
Which one was that?
Oh, fuck, what's the song? What's the Goldfinger song? You'll, you'll remember it because it's from the, the, the Tony Hoax.
Tony Hoax.
Goldfinger song.
If it's the one I'm thinking of, I just didn't know the name.
It's probably that one.
It's the, the one that I'm thinking of.
Now here I am, doing everything I can.
Oh no, that's another one.
Superman.
That was in Tony Hawk. The one that I'm thinking of, it's just like. I think it's the CKY like song where, uh, they had it in their videos where it's just like.
You definitely know it.
What's CKY?
CKY was the like group of like skaters like Bam Margera, Ryan Dunn, Deko and all them that like made those videos before they were like jackass.
Damn. No, I don't know that one. But yeah, the Goldfinger song.
I mean, the famous ones are like all of MVP Baseball 2005.
Tessie.
I got a funny little feeling. I listened to that album recently and someone was like. Becca was just like, what the fuck are you listening to? And I was just like, because it was on opening day, the day like, oh, baseball opening day. And I was just like, I'm in the moon, I'm cooking hot dogs, I'm throwing on fucking.
MVP baseball.
The bravery, you know?
MVP baseball soundtrack?
Yeah. Oh, it's so good.
Well, yours is that 2004?
2005.
Five, yeah.
It was the year after because the year before is when the Red Sox won.
My god, though.
There you go.
Let's go listen to some Tony Hawk Pro Skater fucking.
There's probably some.
You remember that one?
You don't know what the hell we're talking about. Go play your Mario Kart, dweeb.
I have to.
You have to?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, the Kart-a-thon's coming up, right?
Yes, it is.
Oh, you gotta practice?
I do. Well, no, but.
You guys are showing up, right?
You let me know when and where, baby.
I'll pull up.
Let him know where.
He knows where.
It's, yeah, everyone knows.
Oh, yeah, I, yeah, that's fair. It's at your house. Which, what's the address one more time?
Also, what's gonna happen if I just stomp out your controller?
We'll have, we'll have a spare just in case. Things get a little.
You have a date?
I might just show up just to ruin the stream.
Oh, good.
He's gonna kick over your whole streaming setup.
That would do it.
That would.
No, I'll play the voice notes I have of you saying all those Hispanic slurs at me.
Now you're the victim of this.
I'm glad it's moved on from me.
Now I'm just, I'm just the blue guy. Um.
Anything, any, any, anything. Yeah, I'm not. Gotta chill.
Anything, any, anything.
Gotta chill.
Um. Well, I guess that's it for this episode. Uh, thank you guys so much for watching and making this far. Frank, where can they?
Frank Alvarez everywhere. Go check out the Patreon, patreon.com/thebasementyard. And in fact, you can find The Basement Yard all over social media.
Find me at AntPrisco on Instagram.
And you guys can follow me at Joe Santagato and go follow the show on TikTok and Instagram. And that is all. See you guys next time.
Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated