The Basement Yard
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15,917 words · 7 speakers
Ugh, I hate Mondays.
King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?
Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
Hey, let's get back to work, please.
But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.
Taylor Hansen? Nice.
Try one.
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Welcome back to the ba-
Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going?
I'm doing well, thank you. We're here, we're joined by someone in witness protection.
Yeah, who you hiding from?
What the fuck are you doing?
Siding sunglasses indoors, I am.
Is everything okay? I mean, you do that sometimes too, so don't point that finger too much.
Yeah, but I do it when I get back from Europe.
You recently did it.
Did I?
What do you mean?
Did I do it?
Oh, do you like go to Europe in your mind, in your home?
No.
Maybe, I mean, yeah, I'm sure I do.
What's the most Europe thing you brought back with you for all the times you went to Europe? Linen.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm about that, honestly. I'm not gonna argue about against linen.
A lot of linen. Uh, I'm really into soccer right now.
That is a big European thing, yeah.
I'm very in it now. I have an espresso machine, so I have espresso.
Do you?
Yeah, I'm like-
You need to become one of those like-
I'm gonna really get into Aperol spritzes too.
Oh, that you could, you could do without those.
Oh, well.
You need to become one of those people that does like the like espresso routine, where they like measure the beans and they spray them and then they do them and then they-
Yes, yes, yes. Bro, when people, sometimes people make a coffee on the internet and it looks very involved, like it seems like it's probably worth it, but I'm like, man, how long does this take? Especially with filming all of it, I'm like, bro.
I mean, I, I, I get it. I think I've openly said this before because, you know, like the making of certain teas can take a little longer than possible, you know, than normal too, because like you have to warm it up, then you dump it out, and then you put the dry leaves in, then you smell it, and you shake it, bubba bubba. It's about just like doing something for yourself.
The process.
Like, it's just, it's-
What the hell do you think this is? That, that, how comfortable are you getting? Look what you did, look what you did to him now.
Sorry.
Are we boring you, sir?
Also, you're drinking a brisk iced tea, what is it, 1998 and it's recess?
God, I wish it was. I do too, those are great. Those are good, really good.
But you're not allowed, you're not getting away with it.
Frankie was just going on about teas and I was just, I got thirsty.
Do you see, you know, like, people believe...
The respect is dwindling, Frank.
Clearly, they think that like, I was like bullying you. You guys don't see when these cameras are off. And it's such, hey, look at him. Your fucking father's gonna hear about this. Wait till your dad hears about this. The legitimate lack of respect, I might have a smile on, but watch this.
I smiled again.
We saw it.
Yep, my bad.
What were we talking about?
Uh, I don't know. It could have been the most important thing in the world, but fucking, you know, the Nesty Iceman over there needed to...
Brisk.
I do like a good brisk.
Oh my god, if I had a two liter of it, I could literally just keep drinking.
Do they make two liters of brisk?
They did.
I know they did, because I had... I, the only iced tea we used to have in our house, you know this, was a Sisips. Sisips iced tea.
You know Sisips? They had money.
They, uh, uh...
That's why.
Yeah. They don't, he didn't, he didn't have the Sisips.
Sisips was like, on sale, always.
Like a Lipton?
It was like, no, it, it came in a carton. A carton of iced tea.
It was a carton, it was like milk.
It, like, it looked like, the carton looked like milk, but it, it was iced tea and they, and they were like a dollar a carton. And that's why my mom would get them.
What color was the carton?
Black. It was like...
I do know that one.
It was like black and like, there was like brown and yellow mixed in there at some points. You know, can you pull up the Sisips iced tea carton? I wanna see it, how they're doing.
When I see this, I just think...
No, no, no, two S's, Sisips. Sisips, are you listening to the sips? There she is. Oh, what a beaut, that first one.
That first one.
That was, I probably drank more of that than water in my entire life.
In my lunchbox, I would have these little...
Oh, gray ones? Get out of here. He would have in his lunchbox. You know what my lunch was? Whatever the fucking old lady at lunch was slopping on my plate that day.
That's true.
You know?
That was our lunch, growing up, technically.
Old women hated lunch.
I thought they loved lunch.
They love just throw it, and I'll be honest with you. I'll be really honest with you. In my old age, I've learned to love it. If I was to ladle something and I could slap it on someone's plate, I would.
What did they use to ladle onto our shit?
Oh, like a
Ravioli, yeah.
Fucking sloppy Joes.
Yeah.
You know, but like
Even that little fucking medley of like broccoli and some other shit and water.
It was, it looked like it was just, it was just steamed vegetables. That's it. There's nothing else to it.
There was a lot of water, though.
A lot. It was basically like
It'd be melting the plastic of my fucking little plate.
Yeah, it really would. But like, have you ever like just taken mud and just thrown it and watched it like?
Thrown mud and watched it shit on the sidewalk?
Probably.
It's so good, dude.
Being dirty in mud is fire. Like, I would, like, that's one thing that, like, rednecks have gotten right. Like, going out with your buddies and getting in a truck and really getting it stuck in the mud and going muddin' with your buddies.
I saw something recently. I don't know who he is. But there's a guy, he does like comedy stuff on TikTok, and he just has a fat ass. Do you know who I'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's got a giant fucking butt.
But he does like mad athletic shit.
He does like, he'll be like
But he's got a fat ass.
He'll do a backflip, but he's just got a fucking giant ass.
Yeah, it's like, look at this guy doing a backflip, which is cool, but then he's got a fat ass and you're like, hold on.
Dude, like, and like, I'm not, I'm not gay, but like, this guy's ass is fucking huge, dude. You know?
Are you prefacing that because it gets you going?
Yeah, why'd you have to distinguish that in the first place?
We know he has a fat ass.
I just, I want, like, I'm not like, just, like, what I was gonna mention and like, point out, was that like, you can't help but look at this dude's giant fucking fat ass.
I can't take my eyes off that fat ass.
And, and then he's going and like, recently, was that like, a rave in a mud pit in
Hell, yeah.
In Florida. Do you know who I'm talking about?
I, I know.
He looks like he works for
You know that fucking ass.
He's got a mustache?
Yeah, he's got a mustache.
And he wears like a brown jumpsuit.
He's got khaki shorts and there's just ass shoved into it.
Dude, and it was like him at like a rave in the mud in Florida.
With his fat ass.
With, with his fat ass. I'm pantsed. His fat ass was pantsed. I have a feeling it's not real.
Yeah, it's gotta be fake.
It's gotta be a fake fat ass.
Unless he got a BBL, which I respect.
I, I don't feel any way about it, but, you know, all the power to him.
I would go in the mud and just get dirty.
Yeah, man.
Just get muddy, boy.
Get muddy. You know what my new obsession is on TikTok? I like, I've stumbled on this, down this rabbit hole before, but I recently just stumbled back into the rabbit hole of watching, uh, like, I'm obsessed with watching, like, pool boys do their thing. Let me reword that. Let me reword that a different, let me, you know what? Let's strike that from the record.
Uh, I got it, I got it. I'll tell you.
Get rid of it. I'll tee you up and then you, alright, I got you. So Joe, I know you've been watching a lot of pool boy videos.
You think that's better? No, but like, you know, and like, I don't know what to call them because to me, they're pool boys.
Pool...
People who clean pools.
People, pool people.
But dudes who like, they go to a pool, it's all fucked, it's like a swamp, it's like Shrek lives there and then they're like, "Oh, I gotta shock it" and they're like dipping, they're dipping shit and they're like, "The pH is off."
And they're throwing those pellets in and shit like that?
And then they got like a bag on the side and then he cuts it open, it's like, "Ah."
Yes!
And it goes in, I'm like, "Bro, this shit is about to be clean."
I have never slit the throat of a bag, but I would love to have a bag and hold the top of it and it's like, Yeah. And just fucking let it rip.
You hold it at the top, you take the knife, you just go, "Hee-yah-ya!"
Yeah, exactly.
Right through.
Dude, I'd make a different noise, but yes.
What noise would you make?
Not that one. Yeah, that one sucked. Um, I go, "No!" That's a good, alright.
That one's better?
Top three noises you would make if you were to slit the throat of a bag of salt.
Fuck you! That's what I would say. The first one would be an angry one, yeah, like I would like, "This is, you know."
I like how you're also holding the forehead of the bag, too.
You gotta.
You have to.
You gotta hold it in place.
"I'm sorry."
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I asked-
"You made me fucking do this!"
Oh, that was a, that was an intense one, too.
That was also slow, which is bad, you gotta go quick.
Yeah, you gotta, you gotta-
Not that I've ever cut anyone's head off before.
Or, alright, so the first one was, "Fuck you, you made me do this," and what's the third one?
Are you going with a classic like, "I'm so sorry."
He, he is.
He said that.
I don't know that I would do that.
I think I'd do the like...
And, and like the blood's like getting on your face and you're like, "Whatever." "I don't care."
And you're just holding them as they're like-
Bro, I can tell you this right now. It is, it's terrible. I can tell you this right now, if I was cutting someone's head off, right? If I happened to find myself in the situation where I have to for some reason-
No, no, nothing else to do but cut a head off.
Right. So, I could be the angriest I've ever been in my life, which I would be, I'm decapitating a person. Um, this is getting demonetized. Um, and I did get any sort of blood on me.
Oh, you would be, ew, ew, ew.
I'd be so angry.
Which is so interesting because you're full, you're good to go in mud, but you're not good with the blood.
You think just because they rhyme, they rhyme, they're the same?
No, no, no, no, but like-
Blood is so different than mud.
I mean, blood can carry, you know, like, disease and pathogens and shit like that. But like, I- I'm almost more afraid of whatever bacteria is in the mud than in the blood.
It's just dirt.
No, you think that- you think that it's just a sterile thing of mud? Mud, you can't sterilize mud.
You would rather? Let me ask you a question. Would you rather dump a- a- a pint of blood on your head? Or a pint of mud?
Mud. But if I'm gonna swim in it, I think there's a- there's an argument to be made that I'm more worried about the mud than the blood.
That is so-
I mean, don't get me wrong, the blood would be gross. This is- We have ultra demonetized this video. We're gonna be paying-
A pool of blood that was something in mud?
We're gonna be paying- We're gonna be paying-
Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, like, I- I- I get, I get why blood is gross. I'm not sitting there, I'm not like one of those people that like sees blood and they're just like, ugh.
Me neither, I don't do that.
But like- There's an argument to be made that I would be more concerned about the mud's bacteria than the blood's bacteria.
Have you ever gotten blood on you that you- you didn't know where it was from? Like, it was someone else's blood?
I've gotten somebody else's blood on me before, yes.
Do you know who- you knew who they were?
Oh, that's fine. I mean, no, no, no, cuz like, I don't have a problem with that. Like, if I got your-
So you'll be, you'll- you're cool with my blood?
I'm like, I'm not cool with it. I- I'd like, I would- wouldn't like it. I'd be like, bro. And I'd like fucking wash my arm a lot, but-
And you'd go to a lot of doctors.
I could tell you- No, I probably wouldn't do that. But if I got, this happened to me one time where I went to the gym and I got home and I don't know how this happened, dude, but then I like, or maybe I didn't get home. I was like in the locker room after my workout and I look at my hand and there was blood on my hand. But I didn't have any cuts. So someone must have like ripped one of their like-
Calluses or something?
And they started bleeding on something and then I touched it. I'll tell you what-
Long day.
Definitely traumatized the boy a bit.
I was in the fucking sink, eh, like going crazy on my hands.
Oh, have you seen Weapons yet?
Oh, there's a part in Weapons that might get you. I mean, it's not as much blood but like, the guy like puts his hand in a- uh, someone's pocket and fully gets pricked with a needle.
I can't even think about that. Like, that would be bad. I knew someone that that happened to. They got hit with a needle? Yeah, so they used to work at the, uh, I think it was the House of Blues in Boston. And they had like talent there and they like, the talent said like, can you go get something for me in my bag? Or something like that. And they put their hand in the bag and they got pricked by a needle. Oh, no, no, no. And, uh, I remember speaking with her and, uh, she was like, I'm on a cocktail, like. Yeah. It's like six pills, three times a day for like six months. I love how they call it a cocktail. Yeah, but don't, they're, they're trying to. You put all these, these pills in a pina colada? Well, first of all, yeah. I'll go out of my way to get sick for a pina colada right now. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. Why don't they make them in cocktail form?
Like legitimate cocktail form. What if, like, hear me out, seriously? If it was like, alright, I need, I know I need to take my Tylenol and you could get like, the regular Tylenol pills, Tylenol Extra Strength, Tylenol Liquid Gels, Tylenol Pina Colada. Or a Tylenol Margarita. Like a Tylen- but like, there's no alcohol in it. Wait, hold on. No, well then that's, that's where we draw the line. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, that's being incredibly irresponsible. Yeah. But like, if it were just like margarita flavored drink, but there's just Ty- liquid Tylenol in it instead of alcohol. What's worse? Having to, like, if, if you're taking pills with an actual margarita that has alcohol in it? Or if you own something that makes drinks taste like a margarita, but there's no alcohol in it? But you just like the taste of a marg.
Um, you asked the question saying what's worse and I, I'll be honest with you. I didn't see anything in your description that made either significantly worse. They're the same? No, no, no. The, the taking the medicine with alcohol is the worst option. Let's make that very, very clear. I feel like I may have done that in my life. I'm sure we all have accidentally taken an Advil at six and then at eight had a drink. Oh, no, I'm talking about washed the pill down. Oh, that's not good. When you're hungover, you just grind a little Advil into the beer, hair of the dog, you're fine. First of all, that is a disgusting thing that you just said. That's, that's a legitimate thing I'm concerned about after you said that. Like, that sounds, that sounds dangerous. You don't like that, huh? You do?
Oh, no, I hate.
You wanna hear your employee is a fucking?
Don't do that.
Pill popper?
Well, no, I don't like beer.
It's a Tylenol.
It's still a pill.
You're not a pill popper for taking Tylenol.
I mean, I'm sure people abuse Tylenol and acetaminophen as, as a fucking drug.
It's F F A M A N.
That's what it's called.
He's dropping real, real names on you.
I think he called you super feminine, I think.
I did not do that. I did not. But if you were, cool. Um, yeah, I think that would be like a good way to do it. Wait a sec. Pool boys. Yeah, we just, so you're obsessed with like, just like these, like, young men shirtless working on pools?
You can't even see the men. They are indeed men, but they, they are wearing like a GoPro on their forehead, which I always wonder how that looks when you're like going up to someone's house and you're wearing like a GoPro on your chest or your forehead. But then they just like film, you know, they slit open these bags and all this stuff pours in and then they're doing or whatever and they're putting other stuff. I'm like, I fucking love this, dude.
Your favorite part of the year, when, if and when you have a house and if and when it has a pool, your favorite part of the year will be opening that pool because you're gonna see if there's a little dirt and grime in there and then you clean it out.
I don't like, I don't like looking at it. I don't like looking at the gunk in a pool.
I love.
Did I ever tell you about my dad?
Uh.
Don't talk. My dad. I already know where he was going. My dad, so I had a small pool growing, growing up in my backyard. No one in my whole neighborhood had a pool. We shouldn't have had one. We didn't have the space for it.
To be honest with you, it was more of a bath than it was a pool.
Like, it was cool, but we had a good time in it. You could touch every side of it like this. Like, that's how big it was. But, uh, we had a good time in it for sure. But when we opened it one time, it was just like fucked. Like, it's green, it's disgusting. And my dad's like, I'm gonna create a siphon. So he cuts a hose, right? Just like a piece of hose like this. And he puts, and it's a real thing that you can do, but you put one hose in the fucking pool and then you have to like suck the other end and then, for whatever reason, the suction, because the thing is like facing down, it will just empty the pool. So my dad's doing this with a biohazard.
Pool filled with green shit and he's just going and he's going, oh, that was gross.
Oh, God.
But, but then like, so I'm thinking about like, what are the fumes that he's inhaling right now, right?
It was, it was possibly like Petri dish levels of bacteria.
Bro, the fact that he's alive is outrageous.
Like, it's like a thing on the internet, like be afraid of still water.
This dude was.
King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?
Uh, Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one.
But Taylor Hanson's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.
Taylor Hanson? Nice. Try one. Mmm.
King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.
Actively trying to get it in his mouth, basically.
Yo, that's crazy.
Yeah, I don't think there's a disease on earth that could, that would, they would turn the other way if they got to his body.
That, that, that's, I, so he would, that's how he would drain your pool?
He would, yeah, and he would do it and eventually like, and it takes a few tries. Cause you're not gonna get on the first try, you're not the best siphoner in the world. But he would do it and it would hit his lips and he'd immediately vomit everywhere.
I knew people that did that with gasoline.
Yeah, they'd do it gasoline.
They'd do it gasoline.
And they'd steal it out of people's things.
Well, I, I saw it becau- in like the, at the lake when they would like winterize like boats and jet skis and stuff like that. They would have to siphon out the gasoline because gasoline only go, it's good for like three months.
Gasoline probably tastes good. Do you think like get, like get in your mouth would probably be like not the coolest, but like for a second you'd be like, I don't like.
It's one of those things that probably smells better than it tastes.
Should I get some?
No?
I'm not one of those people that's just like, oh, the smell of gasoline.
Really? I am.
I am definitely not.
You like markers?
Who doesn't like a good marker?
Thank you.
I like something that like I don't like, you know what I mean? Like I like smells that I don't like.
It could be like, ew.
That's what I mean.
Like I like, I've said this before and I'll say it again. I like my own stench.
Yeah, you like.
Like I like my own stink and my own funk.
Sometimes when you smell something and it fucking stinks, but you're also like, oh, it stinks.
Yeah, like, and then you're proud of it.
If no one's around, you won't even say a word. But if other people are like, yo, it fucking stinks. But then you're like.
And I'm not talking like, you know, like the, like sniffing your own farts. I'm talking like.
Sniffing.
I'm talking like, you go to the gym and you come home and you smell like fucking absolute shit.
And you're just like, oh, that means like, like.
I work hard.
Stink, but like. I'm proud of what I've done to give me this odor.
Right, yeah.
You know? So I said that.
I'm with you there. That's why I said that in high school. I used to like my, my football bag. I would open it and it would stink.
Oh, I like, there's almost something better. Like, I don't like a lingering stink. I like when like.
He's winding it up.
I don't like a lingering stink. I like when it just like out of nowhere, just like bang, it hits you. Like when we used to go, or Elm Jack, when we played Little League.
Oh.
You could be at the entrance of Elm Jack and it doesn't smell. The moment you step in the gate, like on the property, you get hit with just fucking butt.
Yeah, the lowest of tides.
And, and like, it, it stinks, but like, there's a part of you that's just like, I fucking love it.
Oh, yes.
Well, I think if I could break it down from a scientific standpoint, I think the reason we enjoy good stinks is because we also have bad stinks. So like, if there was not, if you never grew up smelling good stinks, then you just smell bad stinks. Those are your good stinks. Am I making sense there? So like, say you never, you say you live in the, in, in a, in a dump. Stir.
Your whole life.
You like the bad.
You grow and like, that's home. My home is dumpster and shit.
Yeah, but I, I love the smell of horse shit, but I didn't grow up around horses. Love is crazy, but I do like.
Nah, I love horse and cow shit smell.
And is it, is it just the shit or is it also the shit mixed with the hay?
It's also, it's the shit, the hay.
It reminds me of a field trip.
Bro, horses smell too. Like horses and big farm animals, they have a scent.
Yeah, alpacas smell like shit. I like it though.
Stinky, but fucking perfect for their brand.
Would you, would you kiss a centaur?
A woman?
Sure.
Where are you? A, a, oh, a woman centaur.
I thought, okay, I don't know.
Would I do it?
Why, why not?
I know.
But centaur is, centaur is the one that has the horse back.
The fat ass.
Minotaur has the
The head.
The horse mouth.
Oh, no, the minotaur is a bull.
Are you talking about a human woman with a, well, horse's ass?
Horse, yeah, you just meet in the woods.
No, I think.
Absolutely.
I think tar, the tar of it, T A U R, has to do with it like of, of like, like toros, like it's like a bull. It's, it's not a fucking horse.
No, that's even better. Got a bull's ass.
That's minotaur.
There's centaur, there's minotaur.
Regardless, the question is, human woman with a horse body.
Meet in the woods, bow and arrow?
She's got a bow and arrow?
Yeah, you have to.
That's even better.
Do a hundred percent.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, she got a bow and arrow. First of all, what am I gonna do? She got a bow and arrow.
Yeah. Oh, I'm like, for like the purposes of this conversation, riding that thing would be fun.
You know what I mean? Not sex.
For the purposes of this conversation.
Yeah, dude, you got it, you got it, you got it.
Can you imagine like that's your wife? It's like, yeah, I took my wife to work.
You get on the back of your wife, she runs off.
I'll be like, babe.
Shoots a bow and arrow in my back, guys.
Let's go for a walk and then I just hop on her back and she just fucking gallops and every now and then leans back and kisses me? That'd be so sick, dude.
Yeah, like, can they walk with like their bodies fully turned around and like, we're just chilling, but you're walking us? You know what I mean? That'd be nice.
Probably not.
We're talking about now, like.
I've always said like, there's no way I could love Becca more, but now that I'm thinking about her potentially as a centaur.
One day out of the year, she's got a horse body?
I'm fucking on board.
Yeah, I'm like, one day out of the year, there's a horse body?
Like that would be like
Giddy up.
Again, that would just be extra. That would just be good.
You know what I mean? Like that would just be more good. I still get her and I get
The horse.
She's a horse.
I get to ride a hor- who doesn't like riding horses?
That is, that is a great, great, great point.
I mean, has anyone rode a hor- people who don't like riding horses have probably never ridden one.
I mean, I know there are people that probably don't like riding horses.
Have you ridden a horse? Pony. But I was small, so it was a horse.
Oh, I rode horses like last year.
I remember, yeah.
They got them all by us, baby.
Does it hurt your balls a lot?
I'll tell you this, my inner thighs are hurting.
I like, seriously, like
I mean, it's the price you pay.
Yeah, I mean, I wasn't like complaining about it, but like afterward I got off and I was like, ooh.
Did you hold this thing?
I actually held the reins and they taught me, they taught me how to like to, to kick, to steer and everything. So like I was taking advantage of it.
I would have such, uh, what's that called? Intrusive thoughts? I'd just be like
Well, no, so like there were parts where, so what Joey's referencing is a couple of years ago for me and Becca's anniversary, we rode horses through like the forest. And it was a beautiful day, the leaves are falling, it was unbelievable. And like at one point, the person that was like guiding us, she was just like, open her up.
That's crazy.
And I just like, you kick the horse with your feet and he's like cha and it fucking and you're like, yo, you're
I'm shook.
Bro, you're going. Like I've never, I've never like driven a, like a motorcycle or like any like, you know, two wheeled, like mechanical vehicle.
That's the most like free I've ever felt.
Riding a horse.
Wow, maybe you're a cowboy, dude. Maybe we gotta get you on a horse.
I mean, I have a, there's a steel horse that I ride.
Oh my god.
Just ask me.
I'm a cowboy.
On a steel horse I ride. And I'm a one, eh, I'm one, eh.
John by John. Um, John by Jovi. Let's get us, let's go on horses. I'm afraid to race him.
I mean, I'm not saying race him, brother. That's crazy.
I know. Bro, imagine being on a horse and then it jumps over a little fence. Get the fuck out of here.
Dude, well, you, you can't be like, even you're too tall to be a jockey. You know what I mean? Like you need to like.
Piece of shit.
You are.
You can get on a horse.
I know, but like, I wouldn't be on one to like, jump over like, pipes. You know how they like, have that thing where it's like, and they go over it?
Or would you do that? You ever, uh, see the videos of people like, do the hobby horse and they just jump over shit?
Hobby horse?
Like, you know, like, they got like a horse's head on a stick.
Oh, yeah.
And they like, put it between their legs and like a broomstick and then they jump over shit and they like neigh really loud.
Yeah, I, I, I, I mean.
Yo, some of them are fucking athletes. I saw this one girl one time and, and she was getting over a forty inch fence.
Shut the fuck up.
Bro, this bitch was fucking flying over the fence.
Pull up hobby horse videos.
Bro, they're, they're athletes.
I don't believe that they're getting that fucking, I could do it.
No, they were getting over the fence. It was outrageous. No way.
Dude, I'm telling you.
I'm not gonna believe anything you pull up because I will believe it's AI. Just wanna throw that out there. That's the world we live in. That's what we, that's what we.
No, this one, this one girl, um, she was, I'm gonna put some respect on her name because I called her a bitch back there, but she is a full-blown athlete with this hobby horse between her legs. She was diving over this fence and I'm like, bro, this is crazy.
And they also like, it's about like, kinda showmanship.
Well, like, that's, like, that's how horses flirt, is they do that little like.
Oh, they, they go back and forth and like.
They like trot and they like.
Look at my shoes.
Yes.
And then like, the female horse is just like, this guy wants to fuck.
This guy wants to fuck. He's doing his little.
Look at that guy's shoes.
He's doing his little fucking dance for me. Look at how much of a, look at how much of a.
Oh, there we go. This is like hobby horsing. Look, look, look, watch.
Bro!
Take it up there.
Nah.
Dude, that's, that's up to, that's up to, that's up to her shoulders.
I, I don't, I mean, yeah, because she's four foot one.
And she's got a good stride.
Ratio to body.
She's got, bro! Look at this with ease. She's not even breathing hard.
This is an athlete, this is an athlete.
I'm telling you right now, put me in one of these competitions and I'm blowing them out the water.
Are you out of your
I'm blowing them out the water. Bro, look at this.
Frank, if I put you in front of that thing and you tried to jump over it, I'd be picking your pieces of your head up off the floor.
I guarantee I can do that.
No shot.
That one was high.
No disrespect.
Look at this one, look at this one in the front, watch when she comes towards us. Look at this.
What are we doing here Frank? No disrespect to this individual, this, this, uh, you know, athlete, I will say.
Frank, you can't jump over something that's your shoulder height.
I'm not saying my shoulder height, that course.
No, but it's her, it's, it's, it's ratio.
I understand, but I don't care.
Bro, you're not a hobby horser. You could never be.
You'll never, hey, look at me.
You'll never be a hobby horser. Nice try. This is what you try to do with the whole running thing to get me to run fucking 5Ks and half marathon.
I don't need you to
And it's working here.
I don't, I don't need you to run a hobby, uh, uh, uh. I could definitely be a hobby horser. Hobby horsist? Hobby horse?
Hobby heist?
I don't know.
Hobby rider?
Hobbyist.
It like, I, I, good for them. I'm not saying that that doesn't require training and athleticism. I just think that I innately have the training that they trained for.
You think you're innately a horse?
I mean, no.
Can you jump over something as high as your nipples?
That's so high.
That, I know, it's like she, that was up to her shoulders where she was jumping over.
I probably could.
Are you?
I can't right now. Full transparency, right now I'm unable.
Which time machine should we get into?
I'm, no, just like
To the forward or to the back?
No, no, just like right now and today, like I'm physically unable to. If you were to give me a, a month where I feel like perfect health, ready to go, I'm limbered up and everything, I could ju, I could do that hobby horse, uh.
Routine?
I think I could, dude.
You think I won't? Get some fences in here?
What sets up my
And a horse head?
I think you will not.
Really?
I really believe you will not.
Ant?
Yeah, I gotcha.
Get the fuck in.
That's easy. We can set it up right here.
And we set up like two good ones.
And see if you could jump over it.
I mean, I will ask you to set it up on here because it's carpeted and a little more padded than the poured concrete that we have over there.
But if I go down, you're not gonna go down.
You could jump over it with ease.
You're right. You are right.
We won't even put it up to your nipples. We'll put it lower.
Okay. You're only helping me here.
I think you're underestimating the stick of the horse. You might hit some rings there.
And it's also not-
That's the horse's fault then.
Yeah. It's also not just like hopping over, because you gotta hop over kinda like a sideways type of thing.
You gotta get that stick over.
They're kinda doing it like a hurdler.
Mm-hmm.
I have my own confidence and that's all I need.
I respect that.
Alright, I'm on it.
We do have some, uh, alright, before you hit, I don't know how much those things cost. I mean, it's horses for god's sakes. So let's just keep it easy.
I imagine they're expensive.
Probably. Uh, we do have some sponsors. The first one being, how you doing? Magic Spoon. Okay, this is the Magic Spoon cereal. Lot of this in my house these days. Really starting to enjoy it a lot. Okay, they are crispy. Uh, they have, they have also, uh, protein bars, which we had a bunch here that maybe we were gonna display, but I ate all of them, to be honest with you. Well, Frank took some too, but I ate basically over the course of the month.
Sue me. They sent stuff that was good, so I ate it.
They, it was good, so we had them.
Don't say that.
But they're, they're, uh, they have the protein-packed snack bars. 12 grams of protein, 7 grams of fiber, 0 added sugar, 2 to 3 net carbs, and certified gluten-free. But they also have this, um, cereal, okay? So if you want cereal, you miss the golden days of cereal, because you know, it's not the greatest thing to eat in the world. But this is good cereal here, okay? They have, it's high protein, keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, wheat-free, naturally flavored, uh, but it's delicious. And like, chocolate one's really good. The fruity one that Frank has is really good, okay? Those are really good. And 13 grams of fiber, uh, in a serving size. I mean, sorry, 13 grams of protein, 2 grams of fiber. Really good stuff. So if you want a substitute there and you want to make sure you're getting
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And while you're surfing the interwebs, go to another website that's gonna be fun, gonna be a little crazy and not, well, it might be a little dirty. What are you thinking? I'm thinking Patreon. Oh, you thought I was talking about porn? No, I'm talking Patreon, man. Patreon.com slash the basement yard. It's the service that we offer, partnered, you know, with Patreon to give you guys more of us and these weekly episodes one week in advance. So go check it out. Go take a gander. Go look. Listen, graduations are coming up. Some birthdays are coming up. If you give any gifts for Memorial Day or whatever, if you're in the United States, I don't know. But Patreon is a great gift to give. And if you go and you sign up for that first tier, you get these weekly episodes one week in
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I also wanted to bring up something else. So I saw this on TikTok and it got me thinking.
You're having a big TikTok week.
I know, I'm like, the week. I, when I see these things on TikTok, I'm like, oh, I gotta bring these up. But I saw this video of a guy in a bar. And it's like, you take a shot and like the bartender like throws water in your face and like slaps you in the face. But there's like a bunch of these like things.
Would you guys ever do one of those?
No. I would do one if I could wear a helmet.
I've seen one where they're wearing, where like WWII helmets and they take a shot and the lady like slaps him in the head or something.
I don't know, but like, why, see, alcohol used to be like, not gimmicky. Like, why does this need to happen now? Cause like, then they.
What do you mean? You love gimmicky stuff.
I like what?
The, the.
One, one gimmick shot I like. I guess, I mean, I wouldn't even call one of them a gimmick.
You made Skittles shots.
It would, they were just shots though. I wasn't like, alright, you need to take them and they need to go fucking jerk off a leprechaun.
First of all, you did do that.
I did make Skittles vodka and I, that was a big mistake. I'll tell you right now. I drank them as if I thought they were mixed drinks. They were just straight vodka.
Yep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, no, I, I, I just like.
Wait, what's this one?
Oh, is this the?
Alright, so I have a, I have a couple examples of what you were talking about, I think.
The hurricane shot?
Is it, this what you meant, right? The hurricane shot?
So you take the shot, they throw water.
Yo.
Yo dude.
First of all, I'm not signing up for that. That's insane.
No fucking way. Ba, yo.
She slapped the hell out of him.
I mean, honestly.
The water in the face and then getting slapped?
I'm not entirely convinced that guy didn't deserve it for something. However.
Or he's into it. I have, I have a couple more.
I would be so angry. And the only gimmicky shot that I like was, like, I'm not talking like, Skittles vodka is not like a gimmicky thing.
You like Irish car bombs.
I do like Irish, so I like two. Okay.
So what was the other one?
Irish car bombs and I like haircuts.
Haircuts, yeah.
Haircuts was a big one during college. You know what haircuts? You don't? King of alcohol, eh?
This kid loves it. A haircut?
So a haircut is just in reference to the way that you take the shot, but when I was taught it, it was a specific shot. So like, you sit in a chair and you tilt your head back like you're getting shaved from a barber. And then they pour in peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup. And then they, and then you swallow it.
So the haircut only has to do with the?
It's the way in which you are receiving it, but like, that's the same.
Frank would walk around parties with syrup and the bottle and be like, "Who wants a haircut?"
And, and it was the greatest fucking... People liked it, okay?
People loved it.
People liked it.
What did it taste like?
It, it, I mean peppermint schnapps, it just tasted like peppermint.
No, no, I know, I meant like, what, what was it supposed to taste like?
Oh, I don't know. I didn't know if there was like a specific like, "It's supposed to taste like this candy" or something.
Oh, okay.
I think someone offered me that at a, at a party once, and they're like, "Get on your knees." I'm like, "You know what, I don't want it."
Yeah, see, like, that's crazy, like, but those ones that you're talking about where they like, take the shot, smack them in the face.
I think it's funny.
Throw water.
We have this one as well.
Oh, she's on the bar, this is bad news.
Yeah, she's on the bar.
Oh, she's gonna spit at him? Oh, hell no.
Oh, oh! She gave him the one-two, that was quick! I didn't know that was part of it.
So this is too much.
Wait, oh.
Also, the bar's empty.
Maybe it's like a Florida hurricane shot or something? Yep.
Yeah, that's insane. I wouldn't do that. Why are I...
I don't know, because...
Oh, someone's spitting the shot in your mouth?
This shot, that, that's getting me.
I can't, I can't explain why.
And then, there's a classic, uh... There's just, uh, one more here. So, straight up, like...
First of all, this lady's gonna...
Ooh! A dog? What? It's a baby!
There's a baby here.
Well, it's really just the beginning part, I think. But this one is a true wind-up.
Yeah, no. Dude, why, why do people wanna do that, ever?
I don't wanna be slapped in the face.
I also, remember the ones when we were, uh, younger, they had the, um... Blowjob shots? How do you take those?
Yeah, Frankie, how do you?
I've never taken a blowjob shot. What I understand, it was like... Liquor in a shot, and then they would put whipped cream on top, and it's like, you need to put your hands behind your back, put your mouth on it, and shoot it back.
Oh, I wouldn't be able to do that. I have to close my mouth in order to drink.
Oh, would do what, the shot or the blowjob?
Did you see how, did you see how like? Happy he got when he was gonna make the joke?
Which one? The beach? Remember, uh, body shots? Remember body shots?
I do remember body shot. I don't think I've ever done one.
I did one at your house. Off...
One of our friends who's married now.
Who was the guy?
The guy?
It was a girl.
Oh, oh, alright, I, I, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kinda figured that out, okay. But I did a, I did a, a body shot of her, and then thinking back, I'm like...
Belly buttons are disgusting, bro!
Yeah, that's a weird one, because like... Like, oh, I'm just gonna suck on your belly button?
Yeah. I took a Jell-O shot off someone once.
That doesn't make sense, though.
They just put the Jell-O on them.
What was his name?
Uh, Chris, but it was a...
Where was it?
Uh, after prom.
No, no, no, on, on the body!
Oh, sorry!
I thought you were asking...
After prom, how was it?
Delicious. It was, yeah, I think it was grape. Or strawberry, uh, that doesn't matter.
What part of the body?
So, belly button, stomach.
Oh, okay. I, I guess, yeah, like, that was a big...
Was it a dude, though? It was a dude.
That was a big thing in like 90's, early 2000's movies, where it's just like, "Take a shot off my body", and it's like... That seems like, like, then it would just be like added like salt.
Do you ever see where it's like you pour a beer down some girl's tits and you're drinking it out of the bottom? I'm like, that's probably insane.
I, I, I, I don't get all that gimmicky stuff, like, when we did like Drinking Heavily, it was like...
It's just boobs!
I mean...
And belly buttons!
Uh, the, the, it just, it's just a weird way, cause then this person's gonna be all sticky.
Yeah. Bro, have some fun, both of you.
We had, me, I said I did it!
We had plenty of fun!
I said that I did!
Sorry I didn't take a body shot off of Chris!
Yeah!
Hairy belly button!
You're licking Chris's belly button and then fucking gargling his nuts too while you're at it.
It's too much.
I, I, I did one. So...
Oh, so he's not approved, he's no fun.
No, I'm, I'm definitely fun!
I'm definitely fun. Forgive me for my level of fun is not, you know, taking a body shot off of my boy.
Frank was more, uh, first of all, you were very gimmicky when it comes to drinking. What are you talking about?
I was gonna say gimmicky with like, equipment.
Yeah, you were a prop guy. He was a prop comic.
It was like, oh, we have the bongzilla. Oh, we have the shotgun.
Frank would walk around a party with a helmet that had the two beers with the thing and drink out of it.
Yeah, my da- I'd drink out of my daspoot. I was very fucking fun. The only one of these like, like shot experiences that I can remember ever doing was that time I went to Vegas. You remember when we went to, uh, the, fuck, what was the place? And remember the, the story of like, I went in there with, uh, one of our old associates? And like, they were playing-
Associates is hilarious, but okay.
And they were playing like, rock music. And we like, messaged you guys. Where was that?
Coyote Ugly.
That was the only place I'd done one of those. Where like, it was like-
Did you?
I told you this. Where we went and they were all like, we're not going to some fucking redneck hick bar. And I was like, yo, it's all classic rock. If you know classic rock, you're gonna have fun. We went in and they were like, playing like, fucking ACDC and like, all the classic rock hits. And I said to the guy that we were with, I was like, yo, all you need to do is sing the lyrics, do the devil horns and like, point at them. And there was, there were girls walking the stage-
And they were pouring shots.
Pour shots in people's mouths. And I did that, and I must have drank a whole fucking bottle of whatever they had. Because I knew all the songs.
Frank be like, "She'll my tear me?" Okay.
Yeah, literally.
Walk up to the stage, dump it right in his mouth.
Yes, yes.
I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite? Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one.
And the reason I also remember that was because, remember there was like a guy who didn't tip well?
Who's a small little, Steven, you got a small dick.
There was like, they like stopped the music and they were just like, "Okay, where's Steven?" And there, people are looking around, they were like, "Steven T." or whatever his name was. And he's like, "Me." And they were like, "Come here, big boy." And he was like, you know, clearly a piece of shit. He like walked up and they were just like, "Steven." And they did that thing where they like, you know, scratch under their chin and they're like, "If you ever buy a drink and not tip us again, you limp dick motherfucker, I'll fucking kill you."
Yeah, they said something like that.
And then, you know.
And then they pulled another guy onstage and they wrote "bitch" across his forehead in lipstick. And I was like, "We gotta get out of here."
You've never heard of Coyote Ugly?
I, I, I have heard of it. I never stepped inside the Coyote.
It's like girls dancing on bars and shit like that. But it's Vegas, so it's like an experience.
I mean, they had one in New York.
They also made a movie. Remember the Coyote Ugly movie?
I think that's where it stemmed from, maybe?
I think it stemmed before that, if they made a movie on it.
But I do remember that, before he was coming up to the stage every five minutes.
Well, the joke was I wore a white t-shirt there and I left and like, this was all covered in like red shots.
It looked like he was bleeding out of his neck. I'm like, "Jesus Christ."
I don't, I don't like these, like, but you wouldn't like, if, if I could wear a helmet, I would do it. Like if, if they were like, "Oh, we're gonna take out a little mallet and we're gonna slam it on your head."
Brother, you're not just getting hit for a fun little, by a fucking, like a fun little thing.
I mean, these girls are nuts. They, first of all, they're winding up and they're hitting you with everything that has ever happened to them in their entire life.
Yeah. As soon as someone hit me with the, I'm like, "You know, I'm a..." You can't go, like, you can't be flexing your shoulder.
Yeah, I ducked that one. What was the other one that people did? They did it like Mardi Gras, where like they put shots in test tubes? Do you remember that? And they would like, the guy would like, take the shot in the test tube and then the girl would like suck the back of the test tube like. Do you remember that?
What does remember that mean? Like I've never. I've seen videos.
Then you know what I'm talking about.
Suck the back of the tube. Yeah, that would be insane.
That was, I, I saw someone like, li- like not, I saw a video of what, like someone we knew that, that did that and I was like, that's crazy.
Because like.
It's why, yeah, you're, you're right there.
You're right there, brother.
Like, what is going on?
You know what I do like? I like drinks that you order or something and then like, or I don't know, when you're at a bar and they have a bell and they ring it for some reason. You know what I mean? Like, why do they do that? Some, some bars are like, oh, it's like a, I don't know. They like ring a bell. I was like, I like when we're ringing the bell.
I'm still on a quest to go to a bar that has like an old wooden bar, like bar top. And they just throw a stein of beer down it and I could catch it and drink it like that.
We could go there. We could throw a rock and hit one.
Probably, yeah.
I mean, is it like a thing? They still throw beers?
There's a very old bar near where I live. I don't know if it's ac- I mean, I mean, it is old. I don't know how, how old it is, but. They have like little booths and stuff and that they have like little saloon doors and like that's a bar where you could toss a little beer down it.
Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, like bars in movies and TV are way cooler than bars in real life.
They have like breakable furniture that you could like hit people with and like an old saloon. They have the saloon doors.
You see, the Wild West. You want to be in the Wild West.
You're gonna tell me that if you had the opportunity, like Westworld style, to go to the Wild West, you wouldn't want to just go to a saloon for a couple hours?
Bro, I'm going, getting into a fight, having to ace up my sleeves and shooting someone right in the chest.
And I want the piano player playing.
During the fight.
For the fight. Like, oh, the fight started.
You know? That's what I want.
I just watched, uh, Django recently and in the beginning of that movie, he goes with Jamie Foxx to a bar. And like, he pours himself a beer, and I'm like, just the tap in there, like, looks really cool.
It just looks more beer than real beer, like, when it's like foaming and like coming over the top.
I've had, I've had plenty of beers at bars. I've never had one that looks like that, you know?
That's like, it comes over the top and it's foamy?
Yeah, like, just like foamy around the fucking rim.
What are you, what are you snickering at?
I didn't do anything. I'm just, I'm just trying to figure out how to monetize this episode.
No, it's not.
No, it's way gone, way gone. We talked about cutting heads off.
Cutting heads off.
Dropped a hard P over there, which one was that? What'd I say?
Porn, oh, I said porn. I said it a couple more times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Corn, corn, corn.
Corn, corn.
Corn.
Uh, what do we say about unalive?
Unaliving. How do you say?
The top?
How do you say decapitate, but in, in internet lingo? El decapi.
Uh, like?
Decapi.
They're not Italian, why are you saying it?
De, decap. Removing of the cap. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Headless.
I feel like that's a bad one.
I mean, that's pretty.
The Headless Horseman?
You ever afraid of any of that?
Bloody Mary.
Ooh. Ooh, I still won't do it.
We'll do it right now.
That's not how that works.
Don't you?
I t t t.
Isn't it like you have to, it's like at night, in the dark, in the mirror?
I heard it.
I'm kind of afraid of that.
I heard it was just like, at night, in the dark. I didn't hear like it had to be... Oh, no, I heard in the dark, in the mirror. I, I thought it could happen during the day.
How can it be in the dark?
You can shut the door to your bathroom.
Usually there's a window. Not that I have one.
Yeah, I was gonna say, that, uh, it doesn't always. Um, I could see you, like, the, the Candyman was the one that really scared me, because they made that whole movie.
I don't even know who, who or what he does. What does he do?
You don't know the Candyman?
No. You said it twice now. Careful. How many, how many do you need?
Oh, uh, three?
Damn, I'm pretty close.
Yeah, come on, we were like, three of them?
Three of them?
Yeah, I, I, I will stop.
I think it's also a mirror, though.
I will stop.
It's a mirror? I think so.
What is with that? Like, say it into a mirror and they'll appear?
You ever play with a Ouija board?
Yeah, when I was a kid.
I never did. We did once.
I know people that like really swear by some shit that happened with Ouija boards.
I've never, and I refuse to believe anyone's stories, especially if they were a kid.
Yeah, also you can go into Toys R Us at the time and buy ones. Like, I don't trust that one. I need one in an attic. It's dusty.
I need to hear it like Jumanji.
Yeah, there's like blood on it. Someone died on top of it or something.
Yeah, so I need more like that. I can't go to Toys R Us and buy one.
Yeah, I knew people that said they did it and like the person that was there, their handbag caught on fire. And I was like, sure.
Get the fuck out of here.
Sure, but I'll tell you this. I don't care enough to try it.
Yeah, I'm not gonna play. I'm not gonna play at all.
If it is, if it is a mass marketed monster toy.
Like, I also, I've aged out. Like, can you imagine being somewhere and they're like, "Let's play a Ouija board." I'm like, I'm 34. Like, I'm 34, I'm not playing with a Ouija.
Yeah, I don't wanna play with a Ouija board. Pull out Catan.
Catan's fire, though. I haven't played Catan in a long time. Although, that is funny.
You got two sheep? Yeah, I, I-
Have you ever played Catan?
No, I've yet to play. We, I gotta come over one night and we gotta play.
Play Catan.
It's a good game.
I'm just gonna like call you at like 8pm one night and just be like, "I'm on my way."
I'll tell you this right now.
Open the Catan.
You don't even have to call me. If you start to begin to say the word to Espo, he's playing.
Espo and I have played so many board games together as a kid, so that makes, that tracks.
Really into Catan. Really.
I mean, I don't blame him. It's a fun game. But I know like it's gonna be the thing where I, I play with him and he should be like, "Ah, ha, ha, ha. You didn't properly prioritize your iron." And then I'm fucking gang banged.
That's what it is.
Yeah, I, uh, have you guys done, I, I could see picky boys during Halloween doing a Ouija board episode.
No, nothing like that. Are you guys scared? Oh, no, you're a horror guy.
I'm a, I'm a horror guy.
Yeah, a horror guy doesn't necessarily mean he's a Ouija guy.
But I'm, I'm a, I'm a big like, you know, just in case. Are you brave or are you-
Bitch.
Oh, wow.
I mean, I'm I'm a bitch.
Depends on the scenario. Like, I don't want to go into a haunted house. Like, they used to go explore abandoned buildings.
No, no, I'm good. There was that place. What was the name of that place on Long Island that everyone talked about? It was like an abandoned.
Amityville.
No, no, no, no, no. Amityville was the house.
Oh, Blood Manor?
Hmm, there was another. No, that was like a haunted house.
Yeah, I think there was a hospital.
There was a, it was like an abandoned hospital that people would say like, we're gonna go break into it and explore.
Oh, I never heard.
It was all, it was on Long Island, like, not far in Long Island, though, like, closer to, like, Fresh Meadows.
Dude, they, they went and like, just explore abandoned hospital, essentially.
Yeah, I'm good.
The elevator was like, it's dark. The elevator just had no elevator, like, the shaft straight down. It's like, what are you guys doing in here?
No, I remember that was like a thing when we were kids, like, people would say, like, around that time of the year, they'd be like, a couple of us are gonna go, like, and hop the fens and explore.
It's like, what is this, the seventies? I'm not doing this.
The nineties were basically the seventies of their time.
Or it's like, I dare you to spend a night in the cemetery. It's like, what?
Yeah, I, I get why that's creepy, but.
I wish cemeteries were actually as foggy as they look in, like.
They'd be a lot creepier.
I, I, there is a certain appeal to cemeteries that is lost now. Like, now, everything is, like, polished and, like, nice looking. Back in the day where it was just like, fucking dumb looking headstones.
Yeah, and there's like, yeah. Well, the, the distance in between the seventies and nineties is shorter than the difference between the nineties and now.
Yeah, twenty, oh, in some case, eleven years.
Fucking ancient. Well, it happens.
We are, we are pretty fucking old.
That's crazy, dude. When did that happen?
I mean, the seventy, we were not alive during the seventies. So, like, I imagine if we were alive during the seventies, we would be like, damn, when we were in the nineties, but now we're alive today and we can look back on the nineties.
Thanks for that math Frank, I don't know what to do with that, but we do have some more sponsors to get to here, so let me do that. The first one is SeatGeek. SeatGeek is where you're gonna want to get all your tickets, okay? You want to go to a baseball game, which I'm going to three baseball games in this month alone. All the tickets I bought from SeatGeek, so they have all my money, so there it is. But that's where I buy my tickets. You go on SeatGeek, you download the app and you can see the prices for the tickets. In the game that you want to go to, or whatever you want to go to, there's concerts, there's whatever. And they will show you whether you're paying a good price for your ticket or a bad price for your ticket based on the color coding. And yeah, I like the transparency and I think this is the best place to get your tickets. So there are more than 70,000 events on SeatGeek at any time, so a lot to choose from.
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Whoa, the I haven't even tried these yet. The rainbow sherbet I've never tried. The white peach I've had, pretty good. Strawberry watermelon, unbelievable, crazy. But there's a lot of flavors. They're all good. I haven't had one that's been bad, but you can go check them out, go to liquid IV.com and get 20% off your first purchase with the code basement at checkout. Okay. So that is 20% off of your first purchase with the code basement at checkout at liquid IV.com. So go get them, folks. All right.
I had a question and I'm hoping you guys can help me out here. At least help me get to a line of logic that's going to help
break down and give me an answer. You guys.
Took two paragraphs.
I was laughing at him. Oh. Disrespect.
Yeah, no, nevermind.
No, no, no.
No, absolutely not. Nevermind now.
Oh, I want the question. He did that, not me.
I won't listen.
Fair.
I'm with him.
You have to answer for him. He is your employee at the end of the day.
That's, I mean, he's right.
What if I fired him?
No, wait, wait, wait.
And then we're on board.
You're not fired, but no bonus.
That's worse.
No, I was gonna ask, because you guys have been bullying me into doing some form of athletic training event and.
Whoa, did that work? Like I can sign us all up?
No, no, no, no, absolutely not.
What about a 5K?
I mean, the closest you're getting to me right now is me doing that thing for the infinity gauntlet.
Ooh.
Bro, it's 100 miles. It's more than that.
It's more, it's like kind of closer to like five to 600 miles.
Because you need all of them to get the infinity, you need.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If those of you guys that don't know, there's this app that I learned that Ant uses. It's a thing called, it's called like the conqueror or something like that.
Something like that, yeah.
And they're like, like virtual.
Races.
Races, but you don't need to do them all in one shot and you can kind of like add them up. So if you go to the gym, you know, 10 days this month, whatever you do for your cardio, the mileage will add up and you'll complete one. And they have a bunch and if you do a bunch of them, you get an infinitely infinity gauntlet. And there are other ones that you get little gems for, like in other medals. That's the closest you're getting me to.
It's a pretty good incentive.
It's not bad. They also have some Star Wars ones that I thought were pretty cool, too.
Once you get toys involved, we got them.
Yeah, I gotta admit, honestly, like, I am, like, that is me, I am that.
The toys are in, baby.
It says on the thing that it's like mileage and distance that you need to complete in order to get this stuff.
How many humps in a mile?
Because, hear me out, hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. When you're jogging in place, i.e. on a treadmill or something, you're creating a sense of distance that then could be added together to show like, okay, you ran for this long and it's a mile. How many times, because if it's physical exertion that people want.
Okay, so you're asking.
I can hump.
So you're asking how many humps equals a mile?
How many inches would you say is a hump?
That's a personal question.
You brought it up.
Also, what are we talking about?
But like, so instead of having to run, or jog, or cycle a mile, can I hump a mile?
I could do the math if we have, how many inches is a hump? Average.
How could we possibly know that?
I mean.
How many inches is that?
Stand up. Don't even do that ever again. Please, stand up.
Stand up. You, stand up.
Give me one hump.
Go ahead.
You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna.
You're the one who wants to do this.
And we'll, we'll.
I prefer to jog.
Like a, like a sex hump. I'm referencing sex.
What would be the other kind?
I don't know. And dry humping doesn't count. Actually.
None of this counts?
It might count more, because dry humping.
Are you saying you do want this medal, this infinity cup?
Can me engaging in my healthy sexual life that I have with my wife contribute to mileage to get me medals and toys?
So, so let's say this is the hump.
If you go this far back and this far forward, what's that distance? That's all I need.
I would say one hump is equivalent to, let's say, two feet.
Two feet?
Because I'm pulling back?
24 inches of hump?
I think, because you have to measure from tip of penis to butt.
It's getting harder.
This is, this is crazy.
No, think about it. I, I don't have anything to draw. I would draw, I would draw.
There's details now that I know that I cannot know.
Twenty-four inches per hump? That's what you're getting? That's what you're saying?
I would say a typical hump is a twenty-four inch extravagant.
It's a preposterously long hump.
I don't even know how we got here or where we're going from now. Also, I couldn't, I couldn't possibly guess what you're doing right now with your calculator.
Um, well, there's sixty, there's sixty-three thousand, three hundred and sixty inches in a mile.
Well, I know, feet, fifty, uh, five thousand, two hundred and eighty feet in a mile.
And there's, uh, what, we need inches because we're in inches for hump, per hump.
No, no, no, per hump, it's two feet.
Oh, you're doing feet per hump.
So if, if, if you have.
Are you doing feet per hump?
Alright, we'll do feet per hump.
Feet per hump?
So two feet per hump, ridiculous.
Yeah, that's an outrageous hump.
So how?
That's a crazy.
I don't know, but I, I, I hope she's okay.
You don't think, because you have to measure, the pendulum swings both ways. You have to measure going that way a foot and that way a foot.
Oh, I see.
Oh, yeah. You think it's like I'm pulling back two feet and then I'm fucking ramming two feet?
I don't know. I just hope she's okay.
Yeah, really. Okay, so Frankie, for you to hump a mile at two feet per hump.
But wait, it would be, it would be, I mean, five thousand, two hundred and eighty divided by two is.
You would need twenty, twenty-six.
He's done the math! Let him read the math!
You would, you would need twenty-six hundred forty humps to hump a mile.
So, twenty-six hundred forty humps?
Two thousand, six hundred forty humps to hump a mile.
Google, Google, what is the average, like?
Number of humps.
Number, no, no, the average length of sexual encounters in the, in the United States.
In minutes. I don't think it goes up to minutes.
Really? I don't think there would be a way to even.
Yeah, I can't do that.
Alright, so let's say.
Also, we're talking about you. You're trying to hump the mile.
Yeah, this is, this is.
Alright.
So really, we have to divide by two again because what is it? Thirty sec, how, how long?
Dude, you nailed me. Absolutely nailed me because you, the insu- insinuation is that I fucked for thirty seconds.
I don't even have much for this.
That's your guy over there.
But, so... What did you learn? My question is, for you.
What do you think the average sexual encounter is?
No, no, no. That's not your question.
That's my question.
You can't back out of this now.
I can.
We're already here, buddy.
I'm here.
It's you.
How long?
It's yours.
No, no, no. We have to go average.
Why? It's you. Like, you're the one who we're talking about.
So let's say it's, you know, hour and 20 minutes.
I mean, come on. Come on, what are we...
What?
What are we doing?
Um... Okay, so 500... 5,280. So we need humps per minute.
My head hurts.
I feel like I'm taking the LSATs right now. So if it's 2,640...
Humps in a mile.
How many humps you getting per minute?
How many humps per minute do we need to figure out?
How many humps per minute you think you're getting?
I would say...
Just do day. Let's make it easy.
I would say, per minute?
Uh, let's say... Let's say like 40.
Forty? Too much?
Forty pumps in a minute, yeah.
Forty humps.
Forty humps in a minute at two feet per hump? That's a lot of feet.
So then what is that? That's 80 feet a minute.
Eighty feet a minute?
Eighty feet of humps a minute. So you need...
You're telling me you're humping a mile in 33 minutes? Get out of here.
Oh, that's... So, so, hear me out.
I don't even, how, what am I, how do I hear?
I'm hearing you in.
Math is fun.
So thirty-three minutes of a sexual encounter.
Is a mile?
With no stopping humpage.
Right.
A constant rate of humpage at thirty-three minutes will give you a mile of humping.
Yeah. That's what the math says.
So, if I ran, or, or cycled five miles, and then at home I humped another mile,
could that help?
Yeah. If you'd like, if you'd like, if you're gonna count that. If you're gonna do the math.
He's so mad.
I'm not mad.
He's so mad right now.
I don't, I just, I...
You need to understand something.
I'm the people's person on this episode.
What's that mean?
I, I am the one that has to speak as a representative and for the people that watch this show. As you sit there with your, with your, your, your, your, your billion-dollar silver spoons that you're eating out of, someone needs to have a connection to the real world. That's my purpose here. You with the two-foot hump?
Forty, forty per minute.
Forty, forty humps with a two-foot swing per minute? Like a grandfather clock.
I think it's faster.
So, the point that I'm bringing up is, not everyone likes to jog, not everyone likes to run, not everyone likes to walk, but most people like to fuck.
So if there is a way to rewrite these rules that you made for physical exercise.
You brought this up.
Is there, if there is a way for me to help speak for the people, to rewrite the, the, the script on physical exercise, I'm going to do it.
I also didn't say that you had to do anything.
You made, you made, you set the parameters.
I, it's not my company.
Yes it is, it's called San Agato Studios.
The company that makes these medals.
But I'm saying you're part of a bigger problem.
Oh, okay. Somehow I'm to blame.
And you doing the math to figure out that you could cut a little corner and put a mile in here because you've had sex. That's helpful?
If you have sex twice a day for 33 minutes each time, you're running two miles.
How am I wrong?
We're saying you can do that?
We is like, like, it can happen.
You think about it. There are corn stars out there that are basically ultra marathon runners.
It's too late for corn. It's literally too late for corn.
Way too late.
Yeah, we're soaking wet with demonetization. There's no need to put on a raincoat.
But are you saying that you are going to attempt to get these medals? Is that what I'm hearing?
I'm the closest I've ever been. Because the medals are a huge part of it. And now that I used science to figure out that sexual encounters can be part of it.
That too. I use both. What is math if not just science with numbers?
And philosophy, I see.
Wow.
You have nothing to contribute here.
How could I?
I would think it would be easier just to get out there and walk it.
Well, doesn't your heart rate increase when you're engaging in sexual encounters? Okay, so what's the difference between jogging?
Definitely zone two right there.
If anything, it's better. What's your VO2 max during sex? Joe? Not yours, I'm just the general.
Oh, I don't think that's how that works. It's just what you, what your VO2 max is. It's not like, it is consistent. Like what you.
I think we broke ground on a new way of like figuring out health and exercise.
This feels like a superhuman.
Are you, Ant, are you still in touch with RFK Jr.? Can you get a, can you tell him what we discovered here?
In touch with RFK Jr.? I don't, I don't, I can't even begin to know what that means.
He'd probably be on board with those numbers.
Think so?
It's misinformation, so.
I mean, we used as much.
That was good. That was really good.
He would like it.
Okay. What?
That was really, I like, I like what we just did there. You know, a lot of people talk shit about us.
Do they?
And they say that like, these guys know nothing.
Do they? I mean.
In this situation, though, we just use real, who said we weren't gonna use math?
You keep saying stuff like that. I don't think anyone's saying it, to be honest with you, but I think it is working.
Um, but, Ant, are you gonna go for the gauntlet?
Uh, I'm working on the Scooby Doo medal right now.
That's nice.
What's that one?
Can I see it? I wanna see the Scooby Doo one. Does it look cool?
What's Scooby Doo? It's just like the mystery gang on it and everything.
But like what it, but what do you have to do, I mean?
Oh, it's 350 miles.
Woo!
350 miles?
Cumulative.
Well, because you could, you could join a team and people from like are on the team.
Oh, wait, so I can get the gauntlet with like 10 people on my team? Dude, that's sick. You're gonna tell me that's not sick?
Scooby Doo.
Joey, look at that. How do you not like that? That's awesome.
I haven't even said anything.
Pull up the Infinity Gauntlet ones. Those are cool, dude. Those are fucking rad.
This company is gonna be hype.
Look, and each of those stones are jet, yeah!
Oh, so that's how it works?
You have to collect all those and then you need to collect the gauntlet. And each of them are like between 70 and 100 miles.
So like 600 miles.
It's a lot of, a lot of work for something Frankie's not gonna do.
Uh-oh!
There he goes.
I don't like that. I hate that. I really do.
I don't like that. I hate that.
I really dislike what you just said there.
I am currently at 114 miles.
We did the math the other day. I'm basically at over 50.
If we combine.
Are you gonna cycle?
If I cycled, I'm beating that in three weeks.
Cycling feels like cheating.
It's still.
I mean, it's still harder than you think. Like biking a hundred miles would take a while.
Um, it would take. Like, I mean. Going at an average rate of like 12 miles per hour, let's say 10, just to make it easier. So it'd be 10 cycle sessions.
That could be, that's. Two weeks of working out.
I mean, it would be worth it to like.
Cycle a hundred miles is like, it's still a hundred miles.
Yeah, they have a Route 66 medal that's like 2,260. It's all of like the length of Route 66. Probably cycle.
Where does 66 go?
Across.
It's across the whole thing.
Even numbers, even numbers go across, odd numbers go up and down.
So what's this one? 91 that goes down?
95.
95. 91 would in essence go north and south.
Yeah. I didn't know that. You learn something new every day.
You're writing that down?
I am gonna write that down.
I mean, it's, I believe it's for interstates. I don't think like all roads are like that, like county roads or anything.
You know, but.
So we're gonna, we're, we're getting out there. The boys are miling up.
I mean, now that I saw that there's some really cool hardware, not like a, I did the NYC marathon or like, you know, I had fun.
Why'd you think I did that?
The medal. Also, the next year, the medal was way cooler.
Like mine's like cool, I guess.
Can you trade it in?
I wouldn't. Be like, can I get the new medal that just came on sale?
I'm just gonna probably end up doing it again at some point.
Do people sell their medals on like eBay or something?
Who would buy it?
It's not solid gold. I'm not saying for the, the, the expensive part of it. I'm just saying. It's like, I don't want it anymore. See if anyone wants it.
I don't know who would buy it.
Are there like vintage marathon medals?
That would be cool.
Yeah, but you didn't run it.
Who cares?
Not yet.
I'm saying the vintage one, like you can't never run that now.
Not ever. I don't think in my lifetime I'll do a marathon or a half marathon.
We'll see. We'll see how good the, the medals are.
But.
I'll sex a marathon. You know what I'm saying?
No, I don't.
I'll hump a marathon.
I'll hump a marathon right into it.
You start a marathon and I'll... I should probably stop talking about this, right?
Crazy.
Why didn't you guys cut me off sooner?
Me? You were full steam ahead like a locomotive engine train. I was.
Full steam ahead.
Not much can get in the way of me when I have an idea.
It's just choo-choo right down the track, isn't it?
So, are you, what are you, are you doing 350 miles?
Yeah, well, my team is.
Are you gonna, how many people are on this team?
There's only three so far.
Oh. Is it people you know or strange?
It's, uh, people in my, like, Discord.
Oh, nice.
It's like a little...
Oh, damn, you gotta get out there then.
I know, I can't let them beat me.
There's, like, 20 people in my group.
Are there people that not like fall and get hurt during the marathons and like are unable to stop?
Unable to stop.
Fall? Like when they're doing it, like they like trip and like fucking fall over and like hurt themselves?
I'm sure that probably does happen, I don't think it's like typical.
But what do you mean can't stop? Like, I mean, can't continue, that's what I meant, I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, that does happen. 99% of people finish the marathon, though. It's something like that. It's like, it's like high 90s percent finish the marathon.
I would be so afraid to like fall over and like where you get like, you like hurt your hands, you know what I'm talking about, or scrape knees or something.
That's such a weird fear of the marathon.
You're not afraid of that?
Did you get my hand scraped?
No, scraped knees.
But like, you're not like running so hard that you would like hit the dead.
No, I mean, I, I, I, it would happen to me. Didn't you say you ran on cobblestone? I'd be running like...
Yes, I did. But there is no cobblestone on the marathon.
I mean, his had one.
It made no sense, I don't... The half, yeah, that was weird, but that was kinda crazy.
You're worried about your hands.
Well, not, I'm ju, I'm using that as a reference, like...
It would be hard to fall.
Bro, it's not like past... When's the last time you like scraped your hand or scraped your knee or something?
I scraped my knee recently, I hate it.
It like, it hurts way more than we give it credit for.
I, so my, the, under my bed has like these two, um...
Drawers that slide in and out and the way that the comforter lays over the bed, sometimes it's like hidden and I don't know that it's sticking out a little bit. And my shin hit this thing like the corner of it the other day and I just looked back at my bed and just went, "You!"
Yeah, just like that. And like I was, it just, uh.
It's the worst feeling in the world when you scrape your shin. Oh my god.
I'll be honest, I have spoken to inanimate objects with such disdain and anger that if it comes out that they have a soul, I'm gonna have to repent.
Yeah, you are.
Because I've, I've said some things to some
I've yelled at like
cabinets, drawers, lamps.
Cabinet. Bro, I yelled at my dishwasher like two months ago. I hate that thing.
Bro, the corner of my like kitchen island hit me on the waist.
And I almost fucking tore the thing out of the ground because I was so mad.
And I feel so bad for my dog because when I do yell, he comes over and is like, "Is everything okay?" And then I'm just mad at him. Cause he's around.
Yeah, that's a living, that's a living thing.
I don't like yell in his face. I can't, I've never yelled in his face. Oh, I've yelled in his face if he's like peed on the floor when he was a puppy and been like, "Bro!"
Oh, so you didn't yell at him, you just like, just like completely like demeaned him?
It would be like
You're a filthy little fucker, aren't you?
No, you do stuff like that.
To whom?
Your like laundry. Didn't you say that you do that?
Like you'll drown, you slut or something? I don't know.
You say you yell at people on your laundry or something?
I, I am
Out of context, no one knows what I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, you don't need to, you don't need to clarify.
You don't need everything, but it's fine. Uh, maybe we'll just leave you there. That's what Frank yells at his laundry.
No, wait, what?
Well, you can't do that. Don't you?
I do. Fucking idiot. That's what I say. Fucking dumbass.
Or I yell at myself a lot.
Oh, I talk to myself a lot.
If I do something stupid, I'm like, "You're literally worthless."
I just call myself and I would be like, "Fucking idiot I am. What was I thinking?"
Yeah, I do that. What, what was I thinking?
I'm a, I'm an idiot.
Yeah. I really, Becca like one time sat me down and she was just like, "It's concerning."
Like how you talk to yourself.
And I was like, "What's wrong?" I'm like, "Nothing's wrong. I'm just a fucking moron."
I hate myself, that's what.
Yeah, I'll just be like, who's the idiot here? This dumb fucking idiot that I look at in the mirror every day, moron. Like, it gets to a point where it's just like, alright, chill. Chill me. That's how we start every day. Look in the mirror and you go, "You." And then I go about my day. I like wake up going like...
And I just keep walking. And then I just keep, you know, I brush my teeth. But yeah, that's all for this week's episode of The Base Me Art.
Oh, we're really stopping?
Yeah, why not? Right.
Where can they find you, Frank?
I got nothing funny.
The Frank Albers everywhere, go check it out. Add it, and at Ant Prisco. Whatever. Base Me Art on Patreon.
And you guys go follow me at Joe Sanagall. Go follow the show at The Base Me Art on TikTok and Instagram. Not as well, see you guys next time.
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