The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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16,966 words · 4 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. What are you congratulating yourself for?
I don't know. I, I, I think about ways to open the show. And then I started doing this and thinking about how stupid this is that people used to do this.
Why did they do that in the 50s?
Like, I don't understand.
Like, that's a way to say thank you to a crowd.
Yeah, like, what is, is that supposed to be like when someone shakes your hand? They're giving you like a, a something, so you're doing it to yourself, like?
Oh, like you're giving?
Like, I'm, I'm awarding myself.
Showing you a handshake that you're giving me. I don't like it either.
Yeah, whoa.
It's a white person thing.
And this shit, the hand drive.
I like this hand drive.
I'm not gonna talk shit about the hand drive because I love grease. The, I guess I, I love the country. I do like the material, too.
How do you feel about the oil?
That's the material I'm referencing.
Oh.
I love it. I love those videos. Have you seen like the videos or like TikToks of people just taking? It's like a vat of grease and you just fucking dig at it and then you just slap it on their truck.
Why are they slapping it on their truck?
Like their chassis or something, if they're like a truck driver.
It's not a word I'm familiar with.
You know, you don't know chassis? You don't know chassis? It's like the thing that like the truck hooks up to.
Like if it's like, you know, like one of the...
Like a train?
Yeah, yes. Well, not, not, not this, but it's like a...
Right.
It's like a this.
Wow.
Hell, yeah.
Alright, cool.
Everything is sexual.
Trucks?
I think trucks are sexual in their, like, design. Are they not? Look at that. That's what that is.
Alright, we're gonna get demonetized if you keep doing that. I don't know what's going on.
I'll go back to the...
We're all wearing black! Black boys!
Well, definitely.
We're not.
Not even a minute in. Fuck.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna, that's going in my notes.
That was on me.
It's in my notes.
Yeah, write that down.
Write that down.
Let's also make sure we identify that we are not.
We are, um, we're wearing black is what I meant.
If that's not abundantly clear, yes, and we're all where, actually, the one time I'm not wearing a hat, you're both wearing hats?
Yeah, but it's a different hat.
Yeah, what are, what's going on with your hat?
My first beanie in so long, I think.
Yeah, I don't know, I just, I.
I told, I told.
I walked here, so I was like, my hair's.
You walked here?
Yeah.
It's cold, I don't know why I.
Yeah. Well, like, I walked from fucking, I don't even know.
What, like, a mile? Mile and a half?
I walked from that, the gym that I go to now, so that was like, probably like a mile.
You walked to the gym to, over to here?
You're getting those steps in.
Over the river and through the woods to the grandmother's house, we go.
Oh, so you're freshly gymmed?
I'm full gymmed, yeah. Showered, showered in, in public.
Hold on, hold on.
Showered in public.
You showered at the gym?
I, there's a sauna, so I'm not gonna like, just be soaking with sweat and not shower.
I mean, that's what I do, that you're supposed to go home and shower and then.
What, you go to the gym and sauna and then you go home? Covered in sweat?
I'm not even kidding, I go home soaking wet. Like, like.
In your car, like, your back's against your seat?
Yeah. What's wrong with that? Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Eventually, it will soak into the seat, no?
I mean. Car must reek. Fuck you. My car smells great.
What kind of material is the seat, is it like a?
It's leather.
That helps.
That does.
But it does eventually get through the.
You think it's gonna seep through the leather? I don't think it's like, really, I don't think it's like, real leather, I don't know.
It's not about the leather, it's more of like.
It's a Kia, so.
There's, there's like, holes in it.
It's a Kia, so I'm not working with like, Italian lever, leather over here.
You take your clothes off, go into the sauna.
Ooh.
Yeah, do you take your clothes off?
See, you guys don't even know.
You're fully dressed in the sauna?
I'm being judged for my sauna clothing here. I don't want to be those guys that go in raw dick to a sauna because that happens and that fucking drives me insane.
Yeah, I think that's a little European for me.
But these are just like white men from New Jersey. They're not like fucking, they're not like the Polish.
If I'm in Swedish, I'll dump thong, but I'm in, I'm in, I'm in New York.
You're not, yeah, yeah, you're, you're, if you, I understand people that-
Did I just say if I'm in Swedish?
You did, but we're gonna, we're gonna move past it. If you're in like fucking Romania, that feels like something that you could do.
Dick's out for Romania.
Dick's out for Finland.
Finland dick's out, absolutely.
Certainly, dick's for Finland.
What was that? Why are you throwing it up? Why are you?
I was agreeing.
You ever been to Finland? You ever finish?
That's not bad. That's a pretty funny, that's a good one. I thought you were gonna get me with something, but no, I've never been to Finland.
Finland, Finland, these balls in your mouth?
Finland, Finland my balls until, until I come up-
I'm not even kidding, we'll get back to that. I have been trying to get someone the way that you've gotten us so fucking bad, but like, it's the classic example of like, I, I was talking to my brother the other day, or like someone in a group chat, and they were like, yeah, like, we were talking about juicing. I was like, yeah, normally I make a juice with like some lemon, some celery, some slobanies.
And they just completely moved past it, like, didn't even be like, what's that?
So we left just like, waiting?
Basically, yeah, like I was just sitting there waiting.
Yo, you ever do this thing, I did this the other day. You know, like, when you're just being a fucking moron and you're like, I'm gonna play a stupid prank, you know? I mean, I know you know-
You know me, I love prank prank.
Have you ever?
I think it's a problem I have.
Here's an example of what I did, and I'm certain you've done this, but like, you hear Becca coming and you're like, I'm gonna scare her.
Yes.
But she doesn't come into the room.
Oh, I-
So now you're, you're just there and you're committing, and the other day I, I, like, Nicole left the room and I got next to the bed, in a way that if she walked into the room, like, if I'm low enough, like, you can't see me. And I was basically face down, ass up, dude.
Three real minutes. Dude, I know. And I'm like, at a certain point. At a certain point, you gotta. I gotta let this go. You gotta take the loss. You have to take the L on the chin. And I, and I just started laughing because I realized I'm tooting it up. There, I mean, yes, there are so many instances where like Becca will like turn around. Or like, she'll be like there or like not looking or whatever, whatever the situation. And I'll do something to elicit her funny response, but she won't look. So like, then I'm just there doing it. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Then I'm just there doing it. The example that I could think of, the example I could think of, do you remember a clip? Like I recently saw it on TikTok that came up and my algorithm was like, we were at the old studio. And you pull, I pulled, I was parked and you pulled in after me. And I was pantomiming jerking off in my front seat.
In the parking lot. Yeah. And I'm just like, at the time, it's like, it's a funny joke, ha, ha, he, he's. But like the chance that you're not seeing it, that I need to live the rest of my life. Yeah. That someone else that didn't know me did see that. And how long can you actually just be like? Exactly. Come on. And like. Look at me. Yes. Um, but, uh, that happens to me all the time. Yeah. All the fucking time. Back to what you were asking though, about my, my sauna etiquette. I take my shoes off. I have a little. Thank God. I was gonna ask that. I used to not. You go in there with outside shoe? Yeah. Okay, those must reek. I think, yeah, those are stinking. But also Frank, you're going into a sauna with shoes.
All right, I'll, I'll, I'll take that one. But also publicly, health hazard. No, my, for some reason, mine doesn't have signs that say no shoes. It's a common courtesy. Your life is run by the sign. I mean, I'm going based off, because I, it's a little bit of wishful thinking. There's no, no, no, there's no police. You can just do whatever. Well, I mean, different places have different rules. Yeah. So I'm like, all right, like if I saw a sign that said, don't wear shoes, then I would never have worn shoes in there. Right. I was not barefooting it. That's how you get a staph infection. That's bananas. So I got slide, like only indoor slides that I only wear there. Uh, and I just take my shirt off and I go in.
And I sit on a towel.
Okay.
Cause the hard tile could hurt my bottom.
Your bottom?
It doesn't.
Tile?
Did you say you took off your pants?
Uh, uh, no. Those stay on.
Wait, you wear pants?
Pants in the sauna?
Yep. And the steam room. I, so my, my-
You get in the steam room with sweatpants on?
Dude, this is like insane.
Wait, wait, wait, why? And there was a point where there was also shoes on.
Uh, yeah.
So you're in shoes and sweatpants in the steam room? People must have thought you were lost. Like, he got out. He, now he's in here now. Bro, aren't you, like, in the steam room, I feel like there's a lot of water in the air. Is your sweatpants just not filled with water, like a sponge?
I will take a picture next time I leave the gym. You will see. I'm not kidding. I am drenched. When I leave. Like, I get home and my kids say, "Why are you wet?" Like, not like-
Again.
Literally, Maeve goes, "Daddy, why are you wet?" I'm just like, "Oh, I went to the gym." It's a known thing now.
And like, your ankles and your, like, shins are wet.
Head to toe, I'm dripping.
Dude.
And then you get in the car and drive home.
What is the drive? What is the time?
It's like, I mean, it depends. Uh, that's not true. When I leave, I, uh, every time I go to the gym in the morning, I leave, I stop at Starbucks, I get Becca a drink, and then I get home. So that's like, seven minutes?
So I'm going into a Starbucks soaking wet.
It's not a drive-through?
No, I get out.
Frank, we gotta work on that.
Why?
This is insane now.
Why is this insane?
Because you look like a crazy person in the steam room with sweatpants and shoes on, and then you're walking into a Starbucks in public soaking wet?
I-
What are people thinking, bro?
I refuse to think that I've done anything wrong here. I don't, I don't see, I think if anything, I'm being more hygienic than the people that are going in there bare fucking balls and ass.
If they, I mean, I-
What would you take? Would you rather sit next to someone that's in sweatpants and slides? Or sit next to someone that's basically staring at you with their balls?
I, if someone's completely naked, that's a little uncomfortable, I will say. But, I do think, ten times out of ten, if someone gets into the sauna and they're wearing sweatpants and sneakers, I'm taking a photo of them.
Going right into my group chat?
Being like, "Look at this nut job in here."
I mean, when we used to go to the gym together, like, the times we've been to the gym together, we would both wear sweatpants and shoes, or shorts.
Yeah, shorts.
I mean, sometimes it's short.
I don't think I wore shoes. Uh, maybe then, in that gym, I wore shoes. The gym that I go to now is, like, pretty new, so I have, but I have, like, slippers. But I'm an adult now.
Yeah, well, don't chalk this up to being an adult or being a child.
I have, like, a little slip. And I put the slip on.
So the steam room is tiled?
I did raw dog at the first time I went in, I'm not gonna lie.
That's crazy, that's crazy.
But it's a brand new gym.
It doesn't matter. Cause you're sitting on, guess what you're sitting on? Balls. You're sitting, you're basically bouncing on someone else's shit.
No one's naked in there.
Brother, I mean-
Not that I've seen.
Maybe not the one that you go to. The gym that I go to?
Didn't you say there's a lot of old bags?
Well, it's predominantly, like, people that have retired and live in the area.
Old bastards?
Old fucking bastards, dude. And like, that love to just talk about nonsense.
They talk in there?
And they wear, they wear the fucking, like, sauna hats.
The, the, what do they look like?
They're like wool triangle hats.
Come on.
I swear to God. And they fucking sit there, dick and balls in the wind, dude. And the other thing is, they shower in the gym, which you do, which we'll get back to.
And they shower in the gym, fully naked, with the curtain open.
Curtain open, now you're asking for it. They don't get a lot of people to look at that stuff anymore though.
Well, but you know what? That might be the reason.
Because why?
Why have an ass if you're not gonna display it?
But why is it that old men at gyms need to let you know they're naked?
I think it's like an animal thing. It's like when dogs pee and other dogs pee. Like, old dudes get to the gym, they're like, "I'm gonna put my ass the whole out."
And like, I- I- maybe- maybe I'm just, uh, cuz, you know, for high school sports and stuff, we didn't ha- like, we had a locker room, but like, you didn't like shower with your boys, like, on your team. So like, maybe that's just a part of life that I am the, like, exception to the rule here, maybe I'm just weird and I don't- I'm not crazy about that?
Did you shower in high school?
No, but when we went to, uh, like, a sauna thing, we all showered.
What does that mean?
It was like a- a place that has a gym, rec, and sauna, and all that stuff.
But like I'm saying, like, high school sports, did you not shower at school?
No, no.
It wasn't like, you know, like-
The showers didn't work.
A giant room-
There was, but it- it just didn't work.
Like a prison. Did you do it? I think I did, but no one was naked. Actually, there were a couple of kids that were naked-
Yeah, people get naked.
Because they're like, big dicks. Well, it's like a- It's not about big dicks, it's like a jo- like, there's a couple guys on a team that are like, jokers. So it's like, "I'm naked!", and that's the joke.
Gotcha.
I remember-
And we all don't laugh, you know?
When I was in the gym, this old guy was blow drying his balls, and then he clipped his- While he was, like, blow drying, he clipped his, like, ween, and it looked like it was floating, like, indoor skydiving for a second, and it made me laugh.
How powerful was this blow dryer, or fucking light as a feather was this guy's cock?
I don't know, it's old.
Better question, how long were you looking?
Well, I heard the blow dryer, so like, I put the first part together.
And you saw a floating weener?
And by the time I looked, it was floating.
I- I'm still trying to get over the fact that you guys think that I'm weird for wearing pants in a steam room and sauna.
I mean, you know that's unorthodox.
I mean, I stopped the shoes.
The shoes, though.
Because I made the decision.
What does that count for?
That's for nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
But don't you think you'd be more comfortable if you just brought a bag with a change of clothes and you took a shower?
I do bring a bag.
What's in the bag then?
Just the slipper. And like my lock.
Like a duffel bag?
Yeah. It's a green duffel bag and the only thing that's in it is my, my slippers, my slides, whatever you want to call them.
Uh, my lock, my little padlock.
Uh huh.
And my headphones.
Why not a change of pants so you at least don't have to be soaking wet?
Cause then I'm dirtying two changes of pants. Instead of one.
That's not how you say the units of pants.
Two changes.
Two changes is also three pairs of pants.
That's a really good point. Yeah.
That's a good point.
Two changes of pants.
I just, I, I don't, I don't think, like, that logic is ridiculous. Like, so when I, like, when I do laundry, do you get-
Nothing over here is ridiculous. That's ridiculous.
No, I don't think so.
Sweatpants in the steam room. First of all, sauna, okay. Steam room is legitimately psychotic.
I, I will say that I do leave there, like, not like a little wet.
Dude, I mean, you must be pouring.
I'm pouring.
And I know you, you sit in there.
Oh, yeah.
So how long in there? You're in 20 minutes?
Uh, I do 10 and 10.
10 and 10?
10 and 10. The steam room's been, steam room's been hot lately, so I had to jump out at 6.
He's in there. That's about all I can take.
That's about all my pants can take.
Yeah, he walks out of there and he's dragging his pants with him.
I also, Becca, Becca pointed to this, uh, I had no idea. So it's, I go in the mornings and it's been really, really, really cold. So when I get to the gym, like, I get changed and I get, you know, I put my stuff in the locker and then I go in the steam room just for like 30 seconds to just warm up. But she's like-
You're using it as like
A defroster for your butt.
Defrosting in the sauna.
But I'm like in there and I'm going like this.
Oh, like get your fingers ready.
Yeah, she's like, you probably look psychotic.
And I'm like, why? She's like, because it's a big glass room and people just see you in there going like this. Like, don't go in there, the grabber's in there.
The grabber's in there.
Most people do a warm up set. I'm just gonna do five minutes in the sauna and stretch my hands. Yeah, I mean, I think.
So, dude, also, I didn't even think about that. It's literally been like two degrees out and you're soaking wet walking to your car. It's a miracle you're not sick.
I'll be honest with you about something. I kinda like that. Like, when I leave the gym, I don't put my jacket on. And I walk to my car because I like seeing the steam rise off me.
You have a shirt on.
Yeah, of course.
It still rises, though.
He's, let's not forget.
Just making sure.
Sopping wet. The shirt is saturated.
Sopping wet and I just, two minutes earlier, got out of a hundred and ninety degree sauna. Of course, if I'm going in five degree weather, I'm gonna be steaming like I'm straight out of hell.
I'm picturing like the people who work the front desk when he's leaving, have a good day. Soaking.
I, you know, I will say.
Do you have a towel?
I sit on a towel.
But do you, would you, I mean, you, you, do you like dry your hair and?
I put my shirt on, I put my hat on, I get out of there.
What would be the reason to do that? Yeah, you're right. That's, I mean, stupid of me to even ask that. If you have the pants on, why sit on the towel?
Uh, it's for comfort. The tile and the wood could be a little hard on my bottom as I, as I explained before.
He's got a sensitive bottom.
Got it. I don't like you pointing that out.
I can point, I can point it out. Alright, so you're saying?
That I should go in?
Well, let me tell you what I do.
Right? I pack a bag. Like today, I packed a bag. I had to put my laptop in it. Don't love that. But then I get to the gym and.
You go, you go to, uh?
Nice gym?
Yeah, it's, it's a nice gym.
Tell the people what gym you go to.
No.
Tell them right now. Tell them right now.
Is it, does it have, like, you have to bring your own lock or does it have, like, locks?
Uh, they're digital.
That's so nice.
That's really nice.
Um.
Probably narrowing it down a little.
Should be taking, you know, care.
It's not a big deal, but.
He goes to a gym in the Bronx. No, I actually met someone there who who recognized me, but I didn't know if they'd recognize me. I they were just like, oh, hey, I'm like surprised I'm seeing you here or something like that. And I was like, yeah, I was like, do I know you? Cause it was I almost like felt bad, cause I'm like, I don't know who this is. I thought it was someone that I knew. And they were like, no, I was like, okay. I was like, I thought I fucked that up.
I love the honesty there.
He's like, no, no, no, no. I was like, oh, all right. But this is my first gym that I've gone to where people like film and do like workout shit like that.
I I hadn't seen that. I mean, I've been working on my building for the last couple of years.
So so you go and you put your stuff in the in the locker?
Put my stuff in the locker. Um, I'll I'll usually wear like the shorts that I wear have like a lining in them.
Oh, for like running?
Yeah, but I I'll use them for the gym too. Um, and I'll wear sweatpants, so I just take my sweatpants off. Today I I use like a different pair of shoes, but it's like most of the time I'll just walk in like whatever shoes I wear at the gym. But put those in there, do my workout, come back. Then I throw everything into my locker.
Same.
And I take out the slippers, put those on. Just have my shorts and my, uh, just just my shorts on and the slippers and then I go sit in the sauna.
Wait a sec.
Hold on. So I'm being ridiculed.
We do basically the exact same thing.
Sweatpants is like.
And you're wearing socks and and shoes. But I do it with shorts too.
Okay, that's different.
So when I do it, like this morning it was shorts.
But like when I do it with sweatpants, it's out of fucking control.
I don't think so. If anything.
Also, I wouldn't dream of going in the steam room like that.
Why not? It's if anything.
Well, I'm wearing also nylon shorts, like a bathing, that's like a bathing suit material almost.
Okay, I mean, my my my shorts are like workout shorts or like basketball shorts, which are a little bit.
Pink Pantheress here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com.
I don't think that's crazy, but like, if anything, I'm being more efficient in what I'm getting out of both experiences because I am, I have clothes on that are trapping the heat. It's like the people that go into fucking steam rooms and saunas and like, like the Rocky training montage sweatsuit.
Yeah, the efficacy is not the problem. I think the problem is leaving the place and being soaked.
I mean, who cares? I like, if anything, well, what do you-
How about you? You care?
Why do you care? If anything, people see me and they're like, damn, that guy, he, he had a good workout because look at how fucking soaking wet.
I'm sure they are thinking that because I do think that about people. However, if they left that way, I'd be like, what's going on?
I'm going home, I'm getting undressed.
What's wrong with the shower, though? Like, you just think it's dirty or something?
I just don't understand when I have a perfectly nice shower at home.
Just to avoid the, like, wearing the sweat?
It's a car. I'm not like driving a fucking Maserati.
It's just uncomfortable being pouring sweat, I thought.
I, I, personally, it's kinda nice.
You like being-
Because I don't sweat otherwise. Like, I understand, like, you, you are-
Oh, steam room, yeah, you're getting wet.
Like, I do not sweat, period, ever. So like, the only time I experience sweating is when I go and I get it in the steam room.
So you want to keep it for as long as possible.
So I want to hold on to the feeling.
You know? And, again, people look at it and be like, damn, that's it. Now, what do you do after, though? You protein it up? What are you doing?
Where, when?
After the, at gym.
Like when I get home?
Whatever you do.
Oh, you know what? I actually just, it's funny you bring that up. There's a, now we're really now we're in it down, but like, there, there's a, uh, fucking, what's it called? Like a smoothie? Place like, not a place, but like, they have a smoothie bar. And I was like, let me check this thing out. So I go and I see a smoothie. It's got peanut butter, uh, banana. You know, some protein and whatever, some other shit. And I'm like, oh, that sounds good. The name of it is Naughty Monkey.
Why are you doing this to me?
Okay, can I please get the, uh, Frank?
Naughty Monkey?
Legitimately how I did it. And I was like, can I get the naughty monkey? And she's like, yeah. And she's like, what, what flavor, uh, protein? I was like, just vanilla, whatever. And she's like, okay, cool. So I just sit down. There's like no one there. Then all of a sudden these like four girls come in and they know the girl behind the counter. So they're just congregating. And then naughty monkey? And here comes the naughty monkey. And I'm like, thanks. And I get the fuck out of there. I'm like, this is what I'm trying to avoid.
You know what though? See, I kinda love that because I feel like that brings us together closer as a nation. Because
The naughty monkey?
We are so much of like branding now is like, like, let me get the fucking, like men's soap is like thick and you know, like fucking barrel roasted, like. Stuff like that, the naughty monkey.
I don't wanna.
That makes people feel more like connected, you know?
If anything, that makes me feel embarrassed. And to be fair, I would be all, all equally as embarrassed to order like. Bullet blood or something. I'd be like, I don't need that either.
Well, I think what we need to do is we need to find the racist.
What?
Follow me, follow me here.
We're following.
We need to find the most like racist per capita area in our country. And open a shop like that.
Which one?
Like the, where it's like smoothie, where it's smoothie, no, no, no, where it's all smoothies, but the names are stuff like that. Because I feel like that immediately kind of lets your guard down a little bit. It softens you up. If you're going in and it's like Jimmy John's, give me the fucking double fucking stack sandwich of big muscles. People are gonna be like, this is appropriating hyper masculine toxic masculinity. But if you're in west bumblefuck and fucking doodle doo doodoo town.
And what would it be called?
It could just be called like.
I'm saying what would like, what are they ordering? What's that?
It doesn't matter. It could be any, it could be smoothies, it could be sandwiches, but give them a fun, cute name. So people are just like, you know what? Maybe the way that I'm going about living my life and seeing the world is a little too intense.
Do you believe that the people who are turning off the halftime show to go watch Kid Rock perform at the same time? Are gonna be interested in buying your cute named smoothies? Cause I don't believe they will be.
Depends what the name of the smoothie is. That's what I'm saying.
Well, I'm just saying in the, in the example of Naughty Monkey, I think that would be a deterrent.
So then you know what? You're right. You are correct. I should have thought of this sooner. Open it up with hyper masculine names for their smoothies. You know, lib tier, lib tier banana chunk.
And then get them addicted to it.
Or like get them like really into it, like the, the, the, the, the people turning off the halftime show. And then 180, then you name it something. Cause then they're just like, well, I need my shake. Let me get the chunky naughty monkey.
All you have to do is get them addicted to it. And we'll slip nicotine pills into the smoothies.
I'm not saying physically, like chemically addicted. I'm saying mentally.
Hmm. Okay.
You know what, I'll get back to you on that. I have no idea how we're gonna go about that at all, but...
I mean, you could do it, cuz now, now, everything is protein. Protein's in fucking everything now. So like, you could do it.
You know, protein to Dunkin' Donuts.
Bro, you even seen Dunkin' Donuts protein drinks?
Dunking Donuts?
Dunkin' Donuts.
What about it?
Bro...
They got protein drinks?
Bro, when's the last time you went or passed by a Dunkin' Donuts?
I mean, I've passed by them. I haven't gotten in a Dunkin' Donuts in a while, but they got great hot chocolate.
Do they?
I don't think I've chocolate in...
By the way, fucking hot, bro. They got the hottest hot chocolate ever!
They deliver. It's so hot!
Listen, if you, there's many things you could say about Dunkin' Donuts. You're not gonna criticize their hot chocolate branding.
It is so hot. I don't remember the last time I got a hot chocolate for Dunkin' Donuts.
I always tell people that, where I'm like, they actually have a very good hot chocolate. And it's like, surprising cuz it's Dunkin' Donuts, but like, it's good. I like it.
I mean, but if you go or pass by or something, next time, keep an eye out. Big poster. Protein matcha drinks. Protein coffee is...
What are we doing?
It's getting out of control.
Can I, can also, you know what, I'm gonna save this for after. Let's get to the sponsors. I do have a thing that I wanna say.
Go get to them.
Uh, but this is where we're starting here, folks. Uh, we have Squarespace. Alright, Squarespace is back, and if I could find the thing, then that would be great. That ain't it. Here we go, folks. So, so Squarespace, so you guys know Squarespace. Um, you know, you're gonna build your website on this platform, okay? So if you have a bunch of content or ecommerce business, retail business, you are going to need a professional-looking website cuz that is your first impression with new customers and returning customers. If they go to your website and it doesn't look great, probably gonna turn away. You want it to look professional. Or if you're promoting yourself or something like that, you do want it to look professional. And Squarespace is going to help you do that because they have these templates that you can use.
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of a website or a domain. We also have SeatGeek, okay? SeatGeek is a ticketing app. So you're going to buy your tickets there. If you want to go to a concert or something, I know Harry Styles is doing 30 Nights at MSG. Insane. So if you want to pop out to that, SeatGeek's got you covered. There's over 70,000 events listed on SeatGeek, including concerts, sports, festivals. They got it all. So I've been using them for years also. They have over 35 million downloads and they're their number one rated ticketing, the number one rated ticketing app in the App Store. So incredible. They also let you know if you're paying a good price for a ticket or a bad price for a ticket.
It's color coded, so it's transparent. Been working with them for years and they're great. So, you know, take someone you love out to a nice concert or something. Go have a good time. And when you do, save 10% off your tickets when you use the promo code basement2026, okay? So go download SeatGeek and use that code basement2026 to save 10% off of your tickets. Enjoy.
And you know what? You know what else you can enjoy? You know what else you can unwrap? You could take the little wrapper and you could pull it out and it's beautiful. It's Patreon. What do you think about that?
That feel good for you? And give them that famous back rub that you always give people that you got in trouble at your last job forgiving.
Don't do it. Oh.
Patreon.com/thebasementyard is the best way to support us and we love and appreciate all the people that have not only signed up to support us this month, but have been supporting us for so long. And if you want to come and join the party, come on and join the party. It's a fun party. It's a good party. All the cool kids are doing it. So, jump on in. Patreon.com/thebasementyard. There are several tiers on there. If you sign up for that first tier, you get these weekly episodes one whole week in advance. Then that second tier, you get exclusive episodes. Every single Friday. That's right. You get them. Monday, Friday, new basement yard. Oh, that's nice. You like that, right?
Good lord.
Go check it out. We want to thank you guys for helping us get so, so, so, so very close to 40,000 patrons and potentially over. And then, you know, who knows? Shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars. You know what I'm saying? So, go check it out on a web browser too, if you want to save yourself some money by signing up at Patreon.com/thebasementyard. If you use a smart app, our tech overlord lizard people are going to take extra money from you. So, save yourself some bucks while you're doing it. Patreon.com/thebasementyard. We love you. We thank you. We kiss you. We spank you.
I don't know if we can say that legally.
Didn't you get in trouble your last job for spanking too?
He told me not to.
What was your last job?
God. Yeah, wait. That's a good question. Have you ever worked a job?
Pizza delivery? That was your last job before this? Yeah.
I went on... Me too.
Look at that!
Look at us. Trying to be me, dude? Be you! I tried to go on some interviews in finance and I went, "God, this is awful."
Oh, really?
So then I started YouTube.
Did you get any cool questions? Like, "What's your best quality?"
Yeah. No, I really didn't.
You didn't get any?
It was so, it was so entry level. It was right out of college that it wasn't anything crazy. Did you, did you get the job? I didn't go back for the next interview. I just didn't want to do it.
They invited you back, but you said, "No, thanks."
Yeah. Wow.
Did you get any of those like, questions that are like, they're meant to be like, critical thinking questions?
No. It really wasn't like that. It was just personality hire, you know?
Oh, you were the personality?
He probably would be the personality hire.
Interesting. I got one of those. I'm sorry, you wanted to say something about protein. You were about to go on a rant. I felt it brewing.
I just wanted to say that like, I think we need to cut it with matcha. Like, I think we need to-
Don't! God, fuck!
I think we need to cut it out.
This is way worse than I could have expected.
And I'm okay with it existing, but I think we need to dial it back.
It just feels like it's gotten out of hand.
It's gotten out of hand because you go to some fucking, you know, uh, uh, uh, uh, fucking underground basement speakeasy, uh, uh, fucking BDSM coffee shop in Brooklyn where they're just like, "We can whip you with this whip and we can give you a coffee." It's brewed out of the asshole of some fucking, you know, Guatemalan person. Like, it is getting, it's been bastardized.
You're proving my point.
You're right.
But that's what I'm saying, is that it's like, it's like, it's a little too much for me.
Well, has there been anything that we could think of that like, became a huge trend and then died?
I'm sure we could. One thing I just want to fit in about the matcha?
Nope.
Tastes like shit.
Dude, I, alright, I'm, I'm bringing in matcha next time we record, and I'm making you a stupid cup of it.
Great.
Ask me my opinion.
You don't, there's no way in fuck-
I can almost imagine.
What do you, do you like it?
No, it's awful.
Thank you.
God, fuck.
Have you had it?
I have.
What does it taste like?
The ground, but bad.
Oh my god, no!
I've had ground stuff that tastes good ground, but this is bad ground.
You guys have not had good matcha.
Dirt tastes better.
I, I want to cry and throw up and piss on you at the exact same time.
You love matcha like that? When's the last time you had matcha?
Yesterday.
Really?
I have it often and plentiful.
It's so, like, listen, I will, I will do this. I will, I will, I will give this up. The popularity of like matcha is not what like real matcha is. That's like someone saying like, "I'm wearing a fucking, you know..."
Sweatpants and a steamer.
Fuck, you don't do that. No, but that's like someone saying like, you know, "Oh, I'm wearing a, a watch from fucking McDonald's. All watches need to chill." Like, uh, no.
Because I know that you get into this thing, and I hear it a lot too, it's ceremonial grade. And I'm like, what does that mean, one?
That's just the level of quality.
But does that mean it's, it's appropriate for ceremonies?
So, the Japanese and the Chinese.
I say that like I'm gonna offend them. I'm not. That was like a hard J and a hard C.
The Japanese!
And the Chinese!
Like, take it, you know what? I'm just gonna hold this, just in case. Just, it's smart to have that. Just call and say, stand by.
Just saying a hard J and a hard C.
The, the, the Japanese and the Chinese have tea ceremonies.
That's like a whole thing that they do. I think the ceremonial grade just has to do with the quality of it because below that, you get like restaurant grade, which is what is used in baking and cooking and, and desserts and stuff like that.
Got it.
So, it, it is a significant quality, like as someone that has had a lot of matcha, it's a significant quality jump once you get, and then you're just like, "Oh shit, like this is..." Have you ever had something that like people talk about and then you have like a good version of it and you're just like, "Oh shit, that's not that."
That's like if you're having fucking Franzia wine and you're just like, "All wine is this."
No, it's not. You know, I've never had Franzia wine?
Consider yourself lucky.
Ah.
It's a hangover in a bag.
Well...
And a box.
Yeah, who thought of that?
It's crazy.
Put it in a box.
Dude, good matcha has such a variety of flavors because you're getting...
What is it, by the way?
It's stone ground Japanese tea. Green tea.
So, what they, the, the, the Jap-
Sorry, I'm worked up now.
Whoa dude.
You got me worked up. The Japanese, again, I went with a hard.
Yeah, I know.
They make, they process their green tea different than the Chinese process theirs. The Chinese roast their green tea to keep it green. The Japanese will steam it, or they'll, in sweatpants. And then what they do is they take that tea.
And they put it in a big stone mill and they fucking grind it into a very fine powder.
Yeah, I see people where they got the thing and they're like, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I actually like watching people make it.
I love watching people make stuff like that.
Also, oh, you don't, like, when you, if you get matcha at, like, a place, does that, like, automatically come with milk?
No, I mean, you could get it with milk if you want, like a matcha latte, but like, normal matcha is just water and matcha powder.
Right, and it's like a size of an espresso, I'm assuming?
More?
It could be more, so like, I have it in bowls that are like this big.
That's a lot of matcha.
But it's not, like, you use like a small scoop of it, because you think about it, like, the amount, like, look at, like, let's use this tea as an example. That looks like a lot, but when you, when you fucking grind it into a powder, it's nothing. So you use a little bit of, of green tea, like, matcha powder, because you're drinking the whole leaf, you're consuming the whole thing, not just an extraction. Sorry, my voice just came up.
I don't know.
But, dude, I, I hear what you're saying, and if you've had bad experiences, fine.
Just think you gotta chill.
I don't think.
That's a long lesson for something that tastes like that.
It's a long lesson for something that tastes like shit.
I didn't, I didn't say that.
That's what you said! I'm, I wanna strangle both of you, right now.
Cause I don't like matcha and I think it's gotten out of hand.
I mean, I'm being hyperbolic for the sake of our show, none the le, if you don't like it, whatever. If anything, it does me better.
Do you like matcha lattes?
I prefer not to have them that way. It's bastardizing.
I don't like any really bastardizing.
It is. You're, you're, it's, it's like, personally, if you like it, good for you, fine, I'll make it for you if you want. I prefer like to drink it the way that it's supposed to be drank, which is by itself.
The way that our good-
The way that Japanese-
And the Chinese-
The Chinese-
Have laid out for us. Okay.
Japanese.
What's your coffee order? Are you a black guy?
You, that's two, that's two of them.
It's two in one episode, it's crazy, yeah.
Um, milk, skim milk and one sugar.
Skim? By the way, when I was younger, I thought skim milk was breast milk. Like I, I-
Like skin milk?
I think that's why I thought that.
I, I, I, I-
When someone's like, "Oh, I'm drinking skim milk," I was like, "Is that your mom's?" Like, I literally thought it was like a tit milk.
It, it looks like just water and milk. Like it-
I don't even know what it is.
I, I'm sure there's a difference, but is it like, it's like whole milk, 2%, 1% skim?
Maybe I'm thinking 1% then.
I also could be wrong.
How do you not know? You don't order coffee ever?
I do, but it's just, I think it's 1%. I get 1%.
You tell them, "Give me 1%."
I want 1%.
Can I ask why? Like, what's the difference between that and 2%?
Well, you're a whole milk guy. Like, I could actually say-
I love whole milk, I love it.
But how's the, is there a big difference between those things?
I haven't had a cup of 1% milk since I was four, so I can't sit here with confidence-
I don't know if I've ever had that.
Exactly.
2%, I used to, I used to let rip.
Let's do a taste test.
Oh, I can't.
Uh, uh, for reasons we can't get into, I drank too much milk recently.
Yeah, me too.
And I don't want to see another cup of it for a very long time.
Yeah, that was a rough one.
So, you, you just do your coffee black.
You do-
I'll get a cappuccino like-
Six times a year.
Oh, with whip?
Whip?
Whip cream on it?
Whip cream? Yeah, or just like cream?
No, whip cream on top.
Like a, like a, like a ice cream sundae? No, no? Do they do that? Is that a thing?
Where, IHOP?
I, I mean, I've been to places, I've been to places where it's like they bring a cappuccino and they put a little whip cream on top.
Oh, I mean, if that's the case, I am not familiar with that. I've only gotten it when it's like, you know, that's, cause I wanted to see what they can do.
You like to see, do you like those TikToks that are like people that make like espresso like in their home, like they have like the whole grinder?
I actually love watching that. I feel like it's cra- the spray is wild, but like I, I do enjoy watching it. But if I go into a coffee shop that I've never been to before and the girls behind the counter are wearing beanies and glasses, then I'll get a cappuccino. Cause I'm like, let's see what these girls can do, cause they look like they can do stuff.
Do you commit to like the hipsters do have the best coffee places or like?
Um, I think that they care enough to be good at the art at least, but I don't know. I don't, I don't, like, I'm not well versed.
We'll never find you in like a...
I don't seek out coffee.
A, a Starbucks.
I, I would go, but I, I don't seek out coffee.
I was talking to Greg the other day. I know you'd get a kick out of this. I went and got Becca a thing of like cold brew. From this place near us, but I didn't realize it was cold brew concentrate.
Oh dude.
So I gave her a cup like this.
Frank.
Of cold brew concentrate.
You're trying to kill your wife.
She had it and she's like, damn, my stomach is not feeling well.
Not your stomach, check your heart rate.
Dude, she had quite a bit of it.
Oh my god.
I, I just, eh, I, I, I, I can't do, I can't, I can't do the matcha slander. I understand why you, why it's gotten to a point where it's just like, alright, it's blowing up in popularity that needs to fucking chill. But at least acknowledge that like, you haven't had the good stuff.
I'll try it. But like, if I, I'm gonna give you an honest opinion.
That's fine, that's what I'm hoping.
Try to hate it either, but like.
That's what I'm hoping for.
Isn't that weird that we order coffees and some of them just taste like shit? Like they're so, they ta- their taste is so ve- like, in...
Come on now.
What happened over there?
I don't know. You shoot your pants?
The taste of coffee is so different at so many different places. It's not like, if you order pancakes, you probably know what it's gonna taste like, but I feel like coffee is so different everywhere.
Well, also, if you're, yeah, if you're getting like espresso drinks, you know, the way that, I have a coffee machine now and it is a nightmare. Um, like, getting it right is like impossible.
That's what I'm saying.
But, so I, yeah, I don't know.
But isn't there, isn't that kind of the beauty of it? Isn't that kinda nice that like every single, uh, brew or whatever you're making, it gives you a different, there's different notes in there. Sometimes you're getting some fruity, sometimes you're getting some earthy, sometimes you're just getting garbage.
Right now, we're not getting a variety, we're getting all dog shit. So that, there is no variety yet. But I agree, I think that like different beans tasting a certain way, and a dark roast, and a light roast, and the fucking blah blah blah, that would be nice. Um, but you know, we have, it's gonna take some time to dial it in.
Go, go, commit to being a coffee snob.
I'm more of like a drip guy.
Just get drip.
Like a pour-over? Sure.
Just commit to being-
In the summer, I'm iced coffee, easy.
Oh, you, you change with the seasons?
Yeah, I gotta, I gotta, I like a nice iced coffe.
That makes sense, I mean...
It's hot out here.
I, I, I get, so you, it's to cool you down?
But I can't have an iced coffee outside, it's two degrees right now. My hand will freeze in half.
Just commit to being a coffee snob.
I don't like it enough.
Just do it.
Just fucking commit to doing it.
Why not?
I'd rather just be like a wine snob. Even though I haven't had, like, wine in a very long time.
You've not been drinking, so like, co- coffee you could drink and not feel guilty about it?
So just, just, just fucking commit to it.
I don't know that I wanna be the, like, I'll hook up, I gotta, then it's, it goes, and it crushes, and it grinds, and I click in them, and then I slap it, and then I-
But it's a little moment of fun!
And then I'm blowing hot air into my milk.
Yeah!
And then I'm, and then the thing sucks it in, and then I'm-
But it's, look, look, look, but guess what? Guess what morning?
It's a little moment for you.
That is a job. I am a barista in my own home. This is a prison.
That's okay. You're doing something for you. Guess what? That's a form of self-love, baby. That's a form of being able to sit down and just be like, "I'm gonna tinker over here and I'm gonna do over here." And you're making something for yourself. You're putting kindness and heart and passion into it.
Yeah, I just don't think the payoff is like... I, I, I agree that I think the notion is like, "That's nice." I don't know that the payoff is worth it yet.
Just do it. Buy all the gadgets and just fucking fully commit to it.
I'll tell you the part that I do like: tampering. Oh, when they...
Stamping shit is fire. Like, just stamping. You know, like a stamp? Oh, you know it's fire?
I know what you're gonna say. I know what you're gonna say.
Wax!
Bro, I should be writing letters. I don't know who I'd write them to, but I should write letters. But I'd get some fucking wax and then you go... Or even cool, if you get like, your thumb in there.
I mean, you're talking about...
You're not gonna...
Being incarcerated.
Wax, dude.
But that's what you do when you get arrested.
I mean, you're not gonna get arrested for writing a letter to somebody.
I'm not worried about being arrested. I just think that like...
You're fine.
You know what I mean? I'd rather stamp.
Oh, with like, the one that ha... Yeah, like it has like, you know, J and S and then you... I'm telling you, wax doesn't get the love that it deserves. As, as an entity.
I like and don't like, when wine bottles have the wax on it, I'm like, "This looks so fire." But then when you try to open that bottle, oh my god.
I like wax 'cause like, I feel like I'm like a whittler. Like, I can like whittle... You know people how they like whittle wood? I can't do that, so I do it with wax. And I feel like, "This is cool."
It just sounds like you're saying little...
Wood?
In an accident.
Widow.
It's just a widow wood.
You're saying it in an accident.
I used to do it all the time. My, my mom used to yell at, uh, my brothers and I, cause we would always take forks and just carve into her candles.
And carve into the candles?
That's fucked.
What, what was her candle? Like a Yankee candle?
She would have candles, like decorative candles for Christmas.
But they're raw?
They're, yeah, they're just like raw candles. And then there's just a fork more.
This kid.
Walking to his house, it's like, it's the cat. The cat got it.
It's so fun to play with wax though, dude.
I enjoy wax.
I like tape. I'm a tape guy. I fuck with tape.
Tape's a good one. I can't talk shit about tape.
I like taking tape and wrapping it around my hand and then looking at my hand all flat.
You know what? We should do an episode, cause I did that episode.
You know what I'm saying?
Covered in tape. You should do an episode.
Yeah, if you like taped down your nipples, it like, your nipples look different.
Why do we gotta go with nipples, brother?
I mean, you taped down your nipples that day.
I, I, I.
I did.
I know.
But like, it was, it was a lot of tape too. I think, I, I say. Tape?
Tape's fantastic.
We, uh, r- rank these in terms of bestness.
Tape?
Wax?
There's another one I wanna put in there.
You did this without a third?
Just the ones we've talked about already?
Rope?
String?
What's that? Yarn?
Yarn, tape, wax.
String is so ass. Yarn though?
Like.
I'm like a kitty cat around yarn.
Like twine? Get it the fuck out of here. But yarn, baby?
Twine, go to hell. Um, twine. Pretentious. I love yarn.
Wait, what am I doing? Wax?
Based off of-
Tape. Wax is number one. Wax is cool.
You think wax is one?
I like wax. But tape. Tape's got a place.
What kinda tape? Oh, we've, we recently talked about tape, didn't we?
Did we?
I think we said like, the tape that like, shits its pants when you open it?
I'm into it, but I don't like that I gotta try and find the edge because I fucking accidentally like, it's impossible. Yo, low-key electric tape? That shit is dope.
Yo, I would, I'm not kidding. Chew on electric tape like bubble gum.
You chew on it?
I would.
Have you? Not recently, probably, but you have.
No, not.
In your life? Yeah, you have.
You chewed on it?
What about that blue thumbtack stuff?
That shit is-
That- Don't make it look like gum if I can't chew on it.
Yo, that's, that's, that's how you know God's real. Because that shit exists. That fucking, what's it called? You used to love that.
Thumbtack, yeah.
Thumbtack, yeah, yeah.
I used to collect it, dude.
Yeah. Huh?
I was a kid.
You used to collect it?
Yeah, I've told the story.
What is colle- oh, you had like a, wait, why, why did I know this?
Because-
What'd you say? Or you put it in your pants or something?
No, I like, I like, put it on my chin. And I would go like this and it would wag back and forth and it looked like a dick.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I, I brought it to my sister's play and...
Got in trouble, probably.
Yeah, I did get in trouble.
I did love that stuff and they would just come in like the little packs and I would just ball them up and then-
Well, that's how we used to hang up posters. Are posters still a thing?
Yeah, are bulletin boards a thing in schools?
Poster, no, I don't, your, your mom's a teacher.
She's got a bulletin board?
I assume.
Does she go by like her first name or something? Like, is that something they're doing now?
Yeah, is it Miss Yellow or is it? Or she's just like, yeah, just call me Ann or whatever.
It's last name.
It's Mrs. Prisco.
Mrs. Prisco. Mrs. Prisco, that's such a teacher name.
That's such a teacher name. I, I, I did like the teachers that would just be like, call me, by my first name.
Steve.
Yeah, call me Steve. Mr. Steve. We had a teacher.
Oh, yeah. Well, Mr. Yeah, that's fine. Well, his last name was impossible.
It was the exact same as our teacher's last name.
Oh shit, that's right.
Who am I thinking of then?
You know, one time I saw the payroll at that school? Ooh, shouldn't have said that.
What are they gonna do?
You're at school sweetheart.
It was 20 years ago, but I, I saw the payroll and I was like, oh.
Wait, you were, you were a 13 year old kid seeing the payroll?
And you thought it was rough back then?
No, no, no. No, my mom worked there.
I, no, no, no. You don't need to, I know, why?
I'm bringing her down with me.
You're going down.
No, she didn't like show me it. It was like on her computer because she was a secretary and I like came to see her one day. And I was just like sitting in her chair and I was like, you know, when you're a kid and you're like, I'm gonna start throwing stuff around. And then I looked at the screen and there was like, I, then I noticed that it was a payroll because it had teachers' names that I like, whatever. And I was more fascinated by finding out these teachers that I had their first name because that was like, but then I was like, Let's see what they pay. Let's see what they pay in rent.
What are these numbers, dude?
Yeah, let's see what they pay in rent. Not good? No, I think, I think one of them that like was tenured, had been there was making like 92. That's a lot.
Oh yeah, that's a lot for a fucking.
And that was a while ago.
2006.
That's why I was just like, damn, bro.
Damn, I mean, let's make this.
Remember Ms. Franco? God damn, bro. I don't, I don't even remember what she was making.
I mean, they were paying her in fucking like $2 bills. This woman was so old.
Bro, yeah, she was so old. Yeah, I, I'm convinced that she had the fucking Tony Stark thing in the center of her chest, keeping her alive. Because I'm like, dude, you, you know you're dead.
I mean, let's make sure we say this. Teachers are criminally underpaid for what they have to do.
We have to, and like.
Who signs up for that?
I don't know, dude. There are times where I've done cameos or people are just like, oh, there's so and so's a teacher. And I'm like, what a thankless job.
Bro, my god.
You're signing up to get screamed at by children.
You must want, like, want to educate the youth so much and you, and like you have such a. Passion for that and I respect that so much, but my god. If I had to go to fucking work and deal with these dumbass kids all day and then go home and grade thirty papers about Abraham Lincoln, I'd blow my head off.
How much you think they're actually grading at those though?
That is a fair question.
How much you think that they're actually grading a fucking book report on Catcher in the Rye?
Well, our friend Tim growing up, he's a teacher and I used to talk to him about that exact thing and he's like, oh, they're gonna grade it. And then you have to also lesson plan for the next day. It's, it, it's never ending.
That is crazy.
And then, now I gotta go online and pray to god someone can help me with my Amazon list so that my kids can have shit and I can actually teach them. What the fuck are we doing?
Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
What are we doing out there?
Why'd your mom get into teaching?
Uh, I think it was a family thing. Like my grandma taught, siblings taught.
Oh, you're just teachers?
I think so.
Your grandma was a teacher?
I believe so.
She a mean one?
Probably.
Why? She mean, she's a mean grandma?
No, but.
Did she ever give you money?
She's fiery. Yeah.
She gave you money?
A lot of money?
Hmm, no.
Oh, yep. You're hesitant.
No, because I was like, no.
But.
My grandmother used to write me checks for twenty dollars.
Imagine giving a child a check. The fuck do I do with this?
I used to get checks for like, like birthdays and stuff. I remember just handing it to my mom, be like, what the fuck do I do with this? Yeah, I mean, I, you know.
What did you do with it?
I gave it to my parents.
Yeah, and they figured it out. I don't understand.
By the way, I've never seen a dollar of that money.
Uh.
Like my checks? That, that disappeared. They spent.
Yeah, something you'll learn when you get, uh, to have kids is you... Their money is your money.
You know, like.
But my money's not their money.
I'm kidding, it is.
But I like, don't think I ever saw that. Like, I didn't like, get to a certain age, my parents were like, "Here's the bank account that we have for you." I was like, "Oh shit, I gotta go to the bank and get a bank account."
Swear to god.
I think they had a bank account for me, like a savings account, and I have one for the kids. But I don't think it was like, it was, because it was like, you get like, forty dollars in cash for your birthday.
Yeah, but it's years of that.
Yeah, but what are you making off of eighty dollars a year for twenty years?
Well, my extended family would send letters to the house, and those would have checks in it.
Okay, but so you're maybe getting how many a year?
I don't know, dude.
Maybe you're, it's something.
I also, in fifth grade, I won an essay writing contest.
That's right, he did.
That was five hundred bucks. That went straight to the electricity bill.
Probably. I mean, I never saw it.
Five hundred bucks? Jesus Christ, you, I've, you're rich!
What was the essay about?
9/11.
Truly about 9/11, yeah.
Say it. Say what you wanted to say.
Nothing. I think it was worth the five hundred, probably could've got a little more.
Yeah, I mean, I knew what I was doing.
He was, he was playing it up. He was prime for like, winning that. His dad was a firefighter. Are you kidding me?
They, it was, it was like, uh, the, the theme was like, "What do you think a hero is?" And I was like, "I'm tying in 9/11, and if they don't give it to me, they forgot and never forget."
Never.
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But yeah, what were we talking about? Someone's grandma or something?
Teaching and shit like that.
Yeah, that's different than that.
I don't know. What's the, what do you think is the worst grade to teach?
Seventh.
That's a tough one.
That's when I was the worst.
That's a tough one, yeah.
Everyone was the worst also, like.
I feel like I was a little worse than sixth, but seventh is like, where?
At sixth, I was in a new school, so I was on my best behave. I was definitely forging those reading logs like crazy, though.
My teacher, Ms. Gross.
That was her name. Ugly?
I don't understand. I remember we used to get those reading logs that had like the smiley face. It was like, you read this, this page or this page, put a smiley face for how you like it. Fuck that, dude.
I, I, I don't know that I've ever read for my reading log.
I know I did. There's like, I've read the Harry Potter books. I've read the Chronicle of Narnia books. I've read a series of unfortunate event books. If I wasn't reading one of those for those logs, it was fake.
Yeah, I mean.
It was fake.
I would make up titles to books. I'm like, they're not checking this.
Oh yeah, it was, but this was early, early internet. You think they're gonna check the name of fucking?
What do you know, every book?
Yeah, no.
I'm making up a book, I don't care.
Do you make up, and do you remember any of the ones you made up?
No, it was probably like, you know, the biography of Michael Jordan or something.
Oh yeah, you were probably writing those.
I was just like, making up.
You just like, heard your dad told you something about Clyde Drexler and you were like, I read that from a book.
Yeah, and then I, you know, made up a reading log of that.
Can we move past like, the traditional like, reading things that kids have to read, like Catcher in the Rye? Hatchet?
All the other stupid ones?
All My Bones. What's that called?
The fuck, The Lovely Bones?
The Lovely Bones.
You had to read that as a child? That's about murder and like-
I think we read that in high school. Did you read that?
No, I read the-
In your guys' high school? That was about like-
Lovely Bones?
Yeah, wasn't it about like assaulting a child and then murdering her?
Uh, there was definitely a dead woman's bones, yeah.
I heard it's very good, uh, but-
I just watched the movie. Yeah, I mean, The Catcher in the Rye, I completely bullshitted my way through those tests somehow.
I'm not kidding. What the fuck is that book about?
See, I wish I knew the answer, but I didn't read it.
People are just like Holden Caulfield is a martyr.
Oh, yeah, that's his name.
What the fuck does that even mean?
Of Mice of Men, that's another one that I read.
That one I read and I remember liking that one because I felt bad that he.
Yeah, whenever I think of Of Mice of Men, I think of this one English class that I had in high school. And I, and we were talking about the book and I remember the teacher had asked me a question. I hadn't read anything. And then the bell went off, so I just got up and left. And when I walked out into the hallway, there was a girl coming down the hallway and she was like this and throwing up through her hands. So whenever I hear of Mice of Men, I think of that throwing up girl.
My English teacher, her whole like thesis was on The Great Gatsby and she hated Daisy. I don't know if that's too diva cut. She hated this character.
I mean, I, I've never read The Great Gatsby.
Like just every time she spoke, she's like unlike Daisy, like, like she, like, uh, an enemy from the past.
I understand. Listen, I'm not sitting here and, and like not advocating for books because I do think books are cool. But like, read the, read the, watch the movie.
Do you guys think this is weird? So I've been reading a lot lately and I'm reading this book now. It's fucking 550 pages, but it's fantastic. But.
Is it the mushroom one?
No, no, no. I actually put that down. Um, and I'm trying this different book, but I, I noticed, cause I tried to do audible. Like recently where I'm like, I'm gonna get on the treadmill and I'm just gonna listen. But it's like hard for me if I'm doing something else. Like I can do audible if I'm just sitting and just like listening. Uh, but I can't do it while running. So I was like, all right, I'm not doing audible. And then I was like, I'm gonna read the physical book. And then I would get distracted doing that too. But then I do, I listen along to the book. And I follow along on the actual book.
So you're double paying for the book?
Yes, but I have credits. I mean, I got, I got 12 credits for, for Christmas, so it was free. I mean, someone else paid for it, but they, so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm paying double for books so that I can read them. So you're. I'm listening and following along on the pages. Brother. But I, I feel like it helps me retain the information like a lot better. I just, just like double read the single book. Double read? Yeah, like I, my issue with reading is like, I'll read a page and then I'll be on the third page and be like, oh, fuck, I don't remember a page and a half ago, so I have to go back and reread it. Well, this is the thing. You can save time if someone's reading it and you're kind of following along. You're getting it in two ways at once. That's how it feels. So double penetration.
Say it. The book. The book is DPing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm, I'm getting gang banged by information. You're getting gang banged by words, dude. And I, and I, but, and that's the thing. And the, and I'm, yeah. Yeah. I'm getting DPed by this book and the information is sticking. I think I might start picking up reading again, but like reading like classic pieces of literature. Like I might start reading some, some Shakespeare just to fuck around and, you know, smarten myself up, you know? I don't know how much you're gonna get from that. I mean, probably not a lot. But I think it's a good way to just keep the brain moving. Right. And. You will get a lot from learning how to read.
See. I fucking read so good, dude. Are you a good reader? I think I'm a great reader. Put something in front of me. Watch how good I read it. Look up a random, random set of words. No, you fucking did this. Now I'm pissed. Look up a sentence of words and I'm gonna read it so goddamn well. A sentence of words? Yeah, that already we're at a hot start here. He didn't say he was a writer. He's a reader. I'm a good, I'm a good reader, dude. Any. Are you gonna read it louder? Any sentence you pull up, I'll read it fucking perfectly. Not a sentence. We need, we need something here.
Alright, just read that.
I mean, I can't see that.
That's fair. Frank's blind. We gotta pull this in. No, we need more. We need more.
Alright, how much am I reading?
Just this first, this, I don't even know what this is, but this first thing, go.
Okay. Strange bedfellows lamented the title of a recent letter to Museum News in which a certain Harriet Sherman excoriated the National Gallery of Art in Washington for its handling of tickets to the much ballyhooed Van Gogh's Van Gogh's exhibit.
Honestly?
You can stop. You got it.
That's crazy.
But you, you hit ballyhooed.
That was cra- I didn't even know they were gonna throw three of those kinda words at you.
I mean, I saw excoriated when I got through that. I was like, I'm, I'm coasting.
Do you even know what that word is?
Excoriated is like when you like attack something or like tear it apart.
I was, I was impressed with the ballyhooed.
You can't ballyhooed. Alright, give Joey another one of those, uh, the second one, Joey do. Or the third one, the, the last one, the last one. That's about the same length. Come on, Joey, let's text out, let's see your good, the last one.
Alright, last one, right here.
Go, Joey.
What am I doing?
Read that.
Ethical appeals notwithstanding, great art with increasingly devolve into big business. Does that, business? Oh no, business. Firstly, great art can only be certified by its market value. Moreover, the world at large hasn't the- Why am I sounding like I'm on the news?
I love those sick cocks.
Moreover, the world at large hasn't the means of acquisition. Only one museum currently has the funding to contend for the best pieces. The J. Paul Getty Museum founded by the billionaire oil man. The art may disappear into private hands, but its transfer will-
Disseminate.
Disseminate one static fortune into the hands of various investors, collectors, and occasionally the artist.
I mean, we have a better reader amongst us.
There's been better.
But I think that-
Sorry.
Back to the pizza shop! I'm just good at reading, dude.
You're a good reader.
I thank you so much.
I do love those sick cocks that are just like pretend, like follow along like you're a newscaster. And it's like, "Tonight at nine," you know?
That's tough.
I think, I think we would be good newscasters. Hey, news, are you watching?
No, I'm not. I'm not good at that.
Well, you, you've been saying that you've been applying for jobs with Fox News. Why don't you just show them what you could do?
Well, that was good, you know it.
Good.
Whose side are you on? Now I'm confused.
I don't even know whose side. Oh wait, can we quickly do the 6, 12, 18, 24?
Sure.
6, 12, 18, 24. You have to do, so wait, keep those numbers in mind, and it's jerks? Or rubs?
Oh, like jerking off?
Gotcha. Oh, you-
Donuts, beers, and miles. So, how many of those you do in a 24 hour period? You have to assign one of those to 6, 12, 18, and 24.
Oh my god!
Yeah. Let me write this down.
So it's, it's...
Donuts, beers, masturb- masturbations.
And miles?
Miles, yeah.
Holy fuck. I mean...
I don't think anyone can crank their fucking hog six times in a day. You'll come out looking like-
I mean, I could, if I had to, I would put that one at 6. There's no way I'm going to 12.
I can't imagine, I can't imagine that even-
Me neither.
I think the beers-
I probably got up there like 3, 4 times when I was like in like 8th grade though.
I think the beers would be 24. Now, hear me out, because 24 donuts is gonna kill me quicker than 24 beers.
Is it?
Probably not. But I would enjoy one of those significantly more.
24 beers is probably more doable over the course of an entire day than 24 donuts. That would hurt me.
Think about it like this, if you drink 1 beer an hour for an entire day, you technically don't get over the legal limit. So like, you're not gonna be like drunk to the point of like, oh my god.
I also would be drinking a beer and like shotgunning a beer and then like not drinking for like a bit.
Yeah, drink 3 in an hour, don't drink for 3 hours, do it again.
Yeah, something like that. So it's probably doable, 24 is probably right. So we're gonna go jerk 6, beer 24. Now we have 12 and 18, and what's left? Miles and, well, miles-
Miles and donuts. I mean, miles has to be 18.
What? I was gonna say half marathon. And then what am I saying? Donuts? Oh, fuck. 12 donuts is probably not hard. Over the course of a day?
Brother, I think just the thought of eating that much of anything in a day.
You'd rather run 18 miles?
Who said run, brother? I can walk while I eat these donuts and drink. I can walk the whole day. Start to front, face to ass.
Start to front?
That's the same spot. Not if you're starting to back.
Start to front.
I, I think that if you walk at a, at a rate of 3 miles per hour, and you walk eight, that's walking for 6 hours, straight. You can do that, dude.
You could, I mean, it's gonna be tough, don't get me wrong, but you could definitely do that.
I guess you could walk and chug beers.
Don't you think Jerk's gotta go in the 12 or 18?
Dude, your penis would be mush.
What is wrong with your fuck, dude?
Your penis would just like...
It would, your dick would look like the "Where's my chocolate?" lady from SpongeBob.
It would look like someone crocheted it.
I think you gotta put it in the 12.
12? What would go 6 then?
You could do 12. Maybe donuts?
6 donuts?
18 miles.
Brother, 6 donuts is...
Let's make it hard. I can eat 6 donuts easy.
Right, but you can't J at 12 times.
Correct.
So that makes it hard.
Oh, fuck you.
That was disgusting.
He said the question.
Uh...
I don't, I think 12 Js, and then 6 donuts, 18 miles, 24 beers.
Brother, I don't, I, I can't imagine...
12 Js is wild.
That you, you, you wouldn't be able to breathe.
How are you?
Yeah, how is he, yeah, he's an autoretic asphyxiation, never gonna say that. Never gonna get that right on the first try.
I don't, I, I, I mean, I think that, I think the 24 has to be beers. I think the 18 is miles.
I'm aligned, I'm aligned.
I think the 12 is donuts.
You know, cuz you can bang out 3 donuts.
Is this a bad day, also? Like, am I not enjoying this day? This sounds awesome.
This is being interesting, San Diego City's video.
This sounds miserable.
I mean, I think that part of the day would be fantastic. I think once you get into the wee hours, we're gonna have some trouble.
Yeah, no, this sounds, this sounds awful just because you're gonna, bro, you're gonna feel like shit. You're drinking-
You're, all day, the only thing, presumably, the only thing you're consuming is donuts and beer.
That's why I want to bring it down to six donuts. Dude, a couple donuts, couple Jays, couple beers in the beginning of the day.
Yeah, we're off to a hot start there.
It's a good day.
That's a good morning.
And then you go jock some miles.
That sounds miserable.
I think I have an easier time-
A beer and a donut?
Yeah, that doesn't sound like a good combination.
Well, it doesn't have to be combined.
Frank, what are you talking about? Last Memorial Day, you had, like, thirteen beers, you had eleven hot dogs.
Yeah, oh, that's a better combination than beers and donuts. Beers and hot dogs or beers and donuts?
I'm not done-
Why do I need to defend this?
Espresso martini.
Stop what you're doing.
Taco Bell, probably.
Two burgers. It was a couple burgers. I'm not, I'm not sitting here and saying that I don't have the capacity to do it.
What are we talking about? Why are we talking about something you ate recently?
Uh, oh, when, when I, when I went to Jersey Freeze with the kids and Becca. I ate everyone's food. Listen, I acknowledge that I, I-
A donut is not even food.
It, it's, it's butter and dough and sugar.
How many donuts are you guys eating?
Twelve.
I'm saying twelve.
I think that'll ruin your day more than the other things. Twelve Jays?
I wouldn't, I, I can't, that, that, I can't imagine your dick working after-
I don't, yeah, I don't think it hap- I don't think I could, could. It would be tough. It would hurt, sure, there's a little bit of pain, maybe. But I think Joe eating twelve hot dogs would give him some hurt, too.
Wait, hot dogs are in here?
No, no, donuts.
Oh, okay, I'll say that.
Alright, what if it's not donuts, it's hot dogs?
Twenty-four hot dogs!
No, realistically, in a twenty-four hour period, I can eat twelve hot dogs.
I could do that in twenty-four hours. I would not be happy, nor would I, it would be easy.
We still need to do the, the, the, um, Pigs in a Blanket, how many we can eat in one episode. We didn't, we didn't do that. We talked about it.
Just to max them out?
Dude, I could fucking ruin some Pigs in a Blanket.
Like, I don't know what it is about them, but like, just that combination.
How many do you think you could eat in an hour? If you were like, paid per, you know what I mean?
How much am I getting paid per? Now we're talking, now Ant perked up, you saw that? He was like, oh.
Well, whatever, whatever. It's a thousand dollars per.
Tax free?
Ooh, a thousand dollars per? Hold on.
One thousand dollars per pig in a blanket? And it's whatever I can eat in one hour?
And I can't throw it up?
Uh, no.
For how long after that hour?
Just the hour.
So, as long as I don't throw up, it could be an hour and one second, I throw up, I'm good.
I think realistically, I can eat thirty-two.
Thirty-two?
Is that even high?
I thought that was gonna be way higher.
I think I could eat thirty-two.
Thirty-two? I feel like when I'm at a...
I feel like when I'm at somewhere that has them, I eat like, over ten.
Alright.
Accidentally.
You have to eat one every two minutes, essentially, at that rate?
This is very simple.
Which I don't even think, I think that's harder to do. If I have to stop myself and eat one every two minutes.
Dude, we should do the, the power hour.
This is a very easy thing.
You could get fifty.
You think so?
I believe in you.
I feel like you're thinking of it like popcorn, when you should think of it like, you know.
Oh, you're thinking of it like, uh, like, you're like a dirty bastard.
Yeah, like, you gotta eat dirty, you gotta get dirty.
No, dude, you gotta respect the blanket.
This is a thousand dollars a dog, baby.
And we're also dipping it.
Yeah, so how much ketchup do you end up having, too?
And I also sprinkle a little sauerkraut on it.
Do you?
Yeah, I like to, why not?
Treat it like a full dog.
So what if you did just put it in a bowl and like, mix that all in like a salad, and then you were just shoving it like a pig?
Yo, that sounds incredible. That sounds honestly really, really yummy.
There's just ketchup and sauerkraut and dogs.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to do, like, at a certain point, the ketchup needs to fucking chill.
I agree, yeah.
Like, cuz then you'll just, then you'll fill up on ketchup. So, if we're doing this, I'm doing this no ketchup, cuz I'm saving as much room. You know, if there is... Hold on, listen, I, follow my math here, okay?
If there is...
I got the 4th of July episode's gonna go insane.
If there is a fifth of a pig in a blanket amount of ketchup per pig in a blanket, five of them would be an extra pig in a blanket. So 10 of them would be two, 15 would be three, 20 would be four.
What? Am I supposed to know what that it means?
They get, they get what I'm saying. So, that's potentially 10 extra pigs in a blanket that I'm missing out on if I do ketchup on every single one.
Oh, okay.
So I think we, if we do this, no ketchup. Maybe one, just for like fucking-
You'll have a dipping.
You can dip or not dip, it's up to you.
You're saying the ketchup would take up dog space?
Locked in.
A hundred per dog. Hundred per... How many? How much money are you walking away with?
Five Gs? Four Gs? Three Gs?
I, I think just to be safe, I would say 3,500. I think I, I would, I can with confi- if it was just like a-
Am I bugging? I feel like...
In a nap.
Not crazy?
The, the time will get ya. The quantity sure doesn't sound like a lot, the time will get ya.
Brother, you think about it, if-
I'm eating seven in like, no time.
Yes!
No time.
Yes! But then your brain catches up eventually, like, then your brain is gonna be like, "Oh shit, I just ate seven doggies."
Oh, what am I talking about? No.
You could definitely get 50.
50, right?
I'm like, "Am I crazy?"
Now I'm thinking about it, it's just-
30 is probably a lot, but not when I'm going for it. I think, I think collectively, we can easily do 60.
Also, you said 30.
Like, oh, yeah, yeah. 60 collectively would be insane.
No, no, between me and you, I'm not choosing him, because I'm still mad at him.
What if it's the, like, two people, so you're competing with someone, and to get the money, you also have to eat more than the other person?
Who is it against?
I have an idea. I have an idea.
When we surpass forty thousand patrons, we get a, we each get a plate.
Of forty.
Of what?
Of forty pigs in a blanket.
We each do that, right? And for each one we eat, we'll donate the money to something. But we have to, we have to like figure out what the amount is per.
I, I don't think that's for me to figure, I think that's for you.
Well, I think if we, if we, if we're doing forty for forty thousand patrons.
Forty each, forty, forty, forty?
Forty, forty, forty. Yeah, but we would have to finish all of them. It's only the ones that we finish. Yeah, so it would be whatever we finish times. I don't understand.
This is crazy.
This is a lot of money.
I don't even know if I want to eat forty pigs in a blanket.
And is there a hot dog charity?
Now it's for charity.
Now it's for charity, so if you don't eat it. Is there a hot dog charity? Listen to the words you say.
Charity.
Wouldn't it go to the, like, animals or something then? If, like, that, that's what would a hot dog charity would be?
Hot dog charity.
I'm not saying that's where it's going, I'm just saying that sounds closest to a hot dog, like a dog charity.
Um, yep, so first thing that popped up.
You're twisting your head like a German shepherd.
I'm sorry. There is apparently, uh, a charity called Hot Dogs That Help.
Hot Dogs That Help Incorporated makes fundraising simple and profitable. We partner with schools, a full free plug, by the way.
Also, we're not a school.
They sell their signature hot dogs and fresh squeezed lemonade. Goal is to keep the profit to fund what matters.
Oh, lemonade, hell yeah.
I can't even tell you the last time I had a lemonade. That sounds fantastic.
But if some toddler was selling it on the side of the road, I'm getting it.
You know what I see videos of sometimes? People make lemonades and this girl has, like, there's like girls working there and they have these machines where they like cut a lemon in half and they put it in like a, a little mini bucket. Then they throw sugar in there and then they put the lemonade in and they shake it up and I'm like, that probably will put me in the hospital, but it probably tastes good.
These look like good fucking hot dogs.
Yeah, they do.
That's a good looking dog.
How, so between the three of us.
That's a hundred.
We assign a number.
It's a hundred twenty hot mini weenies.
Hot mini weenies?
If it's forty, forty, forty.
Don't call them hot mini weenies, by the way. They're pigs in a blanket.
What? Did I say hot?
You said hot mini weenies.
What am I saying?
Did I say that?
Yes, you did. Run the fucking tape back.
You could have. I feel like that wasn't the first time I heard it.
Mini weenies, for sure. I said that. I don't know if I called them hot. I don't think I attributed any attractiveness.
Well, I was thinking more like temperature.
Yeah, well, see, now, now it sounds like you did attribute attractiveness to them.
Alright, so what, a hundred mini weenie? That would be...
That'd be a lot.
Six G's or something. That's, that's, yeah.
Doing math.
For forty.
Yeah? You're locking that one in?
Do I wanna eat all that hot dog?
Oh, that's twelve thousand dollars, by the way.
Hundred times one twenty?
That's a lot.
I don't thi- I don't think you'll be able to finish as much as you're thinking.
That's true. That's also assuming we all eat them all.
That's true, yeah. I don't think there is a reality-
We should do it.
I like that idea.
What about if we do forty each? Like forty, forty, we keep it all forty?
That's what-
That's what we said.
No, I mean like forty dollars per dog.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
That's cute.
Like forty for forty.
It was more and now it's less.
Well, I'm trying to-
Be, be, be like realistic in a-
Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm down. I'll eat for charity.
Oh, I'll eat hot dogs for anything.
Also for charity.
Well, there you go. Forty thousand patrons. If we surpass forty thousand and we get to forty one, then we'll make it... We'll do fifty. Like every thousand will go up at fifty. If it do- I don't know. I don't know if there's gonna be a rush. I doubt it, but like-
Oh, you mean by the time we-
Yeah, I don't think people are gonna see this and go, "Weenies!"
I thought you were saying we're gonna do this for every thousand.
Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying. No, how many hot dogs can one person eat?
Well, it's mini weenies.
Can we get that many fucking mini hot dogs?
Dude, they come in Costco packs of like fifty. We'll be good.
We'll be good. Alright, well, we're gonna flush that idea out, but like 40,000, we'll make it happen, alright? Um, anyway Frank, where can they find you?
You know, I was almost gonna say chomping on wieners, but I...
Chomping on little wieners?
I didn't. Uh, I dunno. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard, the Frank Alvarez everywhere, go, go check it out.
I feel like he took up a lot of my time. What's up? I think he took up a lot of my time there.
Where can they find you, Ann?
Find me at @AntPrisco on Instagram.
Wow, you let him get it? You let him slide in there?
Nice guy. Uh, go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram, and that is all. See you guys next time.
Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated