#514 - We Got Into Clown School

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• 0:00Speaker 00

  Welcome back to the ba-

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Welcome back to the basement yard. How you doing?

• 0:10Speaker 02

  Hey guys.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Mr. Green? How you doing, Mr. Green?

• 0:13Speaker 02

  Mr. Green.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  In the conservatory with the candlestick. Colonel Green?

• 0:18Speaker 02

  Fuck that game. Colonel Mustard.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Who's Mr. Green?

• 0:20Speaker 02

  Fuck that mustard Colonel.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Who's the green guy?

• 0:23Speaker 02

  Green. The green, I dunno. I haven't played Clue in god knows how long.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Professor Plum?

• 0:29Speaker 02

  They're all, are they all colors? Miss- I don't think I've ever properly played Clue. Like, how, how do you know who's killing who?

• 0:38Speaker 01

  I dunno.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  You know what I remember playing? Do you, any of you guys remember the, are you afraid of the dark board game from the 90's?

• 0:45Speaker 01

  No.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  I remember-

• 0:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I wouldn't.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, you're too young. We get it. You're only 20 years old, you fucking- Why are you wearing aviators inside?

• 0:54Speaker 00

  I thought I'd put on something nice.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  By the way, Aunt Cam, Aunt Cam-

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Aunt Cam!

• 0:59Speaker 02

  It's Aunt Cam.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  It's the Aunt Cam and Aunt Cam can, can-

• 1:02Speaker 02

  If the Aunt Cam cam can the Cam Cam, Aunt Cam cam, Cam. Aunt Cam.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 1:07Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, I like green.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, we're skipping over the board game?

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Clue, yeah. I never properly played it.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Me neither. It is, I still don't even know what a conservatory is.

• 1:17Speaker 02

  I think that's where you like, look at stuff.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  That's an observatory, I think.

• 1:22Speaker 02

  You're right. You're 100% right.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  You know what I like? A planetarium.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  You might have one of those in your house one day.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  A planetarium?

• 1:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, where you just have like a-

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Planets?

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. I could see you getting like a light in the middle of the room. And you, and you like, it just shows the stars. And you can just look up and be like, there's Orion's Belt.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  What was that shit that we used to climb into when we were children?

• 1:45Speaker 02

  It was like the bubble, right? The little, I think it was called a planetarium.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  We would go into the basement of our school and we'd all climb into a bubble and sit in, ooh. We would sit crisscross applesauce.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Very close, very close.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  Uh, almost got me with that hard eye. Um, we would sit criss- We'd sit crypts crops apple blouse. And then, and then it would project the-

• 2:05Speaker 02

  Like the stars and stuff, yeah. And then, they, they always did the thing where they were just like, if you whisper over there, the person across can hear it because of how like, it, it, it shaped.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  I don't believe that.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  Oh no, it, it 100%. You know what else is like that too? Grand Central Station. They're like- Uh, if you go at parts of Grand Central Station, you can literally go to one end of the, of the room and whisper and the other person on the other, so I can hear it as clear as day.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  I guarantee you that's fake.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  No, it's a real thing.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  I guarantee it.

• 2:34Speaker 02

  Why are you shaking your head?

• 2:35Speaker 00

  It's real.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  You've done it?

• 2:36Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  I've done it.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  But I've seen it.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  I've done it and it is real.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  I don't believe you. You want it to be real.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Why would I want whispering to be real?

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Because you are a child.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  I mean, at heart, I...

• 2:50Speaker 02

  Do I get offended by that or not?

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I don't think so. I think that's a big part of your personality.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  No, I think you're good. You, you like that.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  I do. I do. I kinda like that. Okay, fine. But you said it in a derogatory way. That I don't like.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  No, I'm saying like you would want it to be real, so it's like, yeah, yeah.

• 3:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  You're telling me you go to an opposite end of Grand Central Station and I'm gonna hear you whisper?

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I promise.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Even with all the hubba bub?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Not the hubba bub? What's it called? Pubub? Hubub? Hubub?

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Uh, hubba, hullabaloo.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Hullabaloo?

• 3:17Speaker 02

  Is it? Blue or hullabaloo?

• 3:18Speaker 00

  Something similar to that happened to my family at a restaurant, where they were complaining about a waiter and like, because of the arch of the room, the waiter heard everything they said from across.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  This isn't something I believe in.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  You don't need to believe in it. It's true.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  Things can exist beyond your comprehension. I mean, it happens every single day.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  What happens every day?

• 3:40Speaker 02

  Things exist beha- be- beyond your comprehension.

• 3:44Speaker 01

  Brangeon.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Um, I... Like, you can't comprehend the, like, astrophysics, but it exists. Same with me. I mean, I'm not saying like you're, I'm not, uh, like, I'm exempt from it. We're both in the same category. Just because we can't get it, doesn't mean it's not real.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  I, I'm not acknowledging that, like, I'm 100% correct. It's one of those things that, like, I'll have to experience it and then I'll believe it.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  It's literally called the Whispering Gallery in Grand Central Station.

• 4:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, so like, people would go and then just...

• 4:15Speaker 01

  What does that mean?

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Back in the day, they'd be like, "Oh, this, this whore is over there with her ankles out."

• 4:21Speaker 01

  And then people would be like, "I heard that."

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Whispering. I mean, they give names to shit all the time. I mean, that doesn't, that's the proof that we have that it's called that?

• 4:30Speaker 02

  I mean, I didn't know, I'll be honest, it kinda makes it cooler that they called it the Whispering Gallery.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Because if it was just called, like, there's like, secret, like, restaurants and shit in Grand Central. Do you know all about this stuff?

• 4:41Speaker 01

  I know there's like, secret trains.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Well, that, I don't care about. I'm talking like, there's like, secret bars and restaurants and shit.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  Speakeasies?

• 4:50Speaker 02

  They're, but they're not really speakeasies, they just like, you need to go through one to get to the other and shit like that. My uncle randomly brought me once. And he was, cause like, this is, now that I'm saying it, it sounds weird.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  You just described a speakeasy?

• 5:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess so. I guess so.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  It's not a speakeasy, you gotta like, go through a door.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  It's just weird, like, yo, like, down there, it's like a maze. Like, there's like, ways to get to like, buildings streets away without ever going on to the street level. Like, it's, it's very strange.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:22Speaker 02

  They made it for like, you know, like, politicians back in the day. They'd be like, John D. Rockefeller doesn't wanna get up to the street, so he needs to walk under this building.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  You know?

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, wouldn't that be nice? To be so successful one day that you could just, just like, go down a secret tunnel? I love secret tunnels.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Oh, man. A secret tunnel would scare me because it's still a tunnel, dude. Like, tunnels freak me out a little bit. If it was just like a

• 5:47Speaker 01

  Sure, I like, but I like, I like secret shortcuts. Like, someone's house, you go and you pull a book and a door opens, love that.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. Dude, that's why, one of the reasons why I love the 90's Addams Family movie. When they like, go and there's like, a slide. Or Casper, dude, when she sits in a chair and

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Oh, I love that!

• 6:06Speaker 02

  That's why, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. That movie is great. That scene, every little kid at that time was just like, that's everything I want in life right there.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  It like, brushes her teeth and shit.

• 6:19Speaker 02

  It like, cracks an egg, brushes teeth, washes face, blow dries.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  Just does all the cool shit.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you're like, a little roller coaster the entire time.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  I will say this, I don't think I can say where it was because I will probably get in trouble. When I worked at my old job, I went for a case that I had to work. I went underneath a building and the underground tunnel system is like crazy. Like back tunnels under and in places that you would never even imagine.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  I wanna do, I wanna be in on the secret.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  There's cool secrets that you're not a part of.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  I wanna be like, I wanna, yeah, I do wanna be in on it. I feel FOMO now.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  You would have definitely, I know you say you would know, but you definitely would have joined a fraternity in high, in college.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  N- there's nothing secretive.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  There's secrets.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  They call it the secret society. Bro, you're all right there and you're all idiots.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  No, no, no, there's like, there's like different like meanings and stuff to things that like are secrets.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  That's not a secret to me.

• 7:23Speaker 02

  I mean, but it is. By definition, it's a secret.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  Alright, well, you gotta spank me in order for me to be in or out.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  See, see, that's why you're talking down. I was never spanked. I was never hazed or bullied. You know, there are people that were and I, I sympathize with those people. But you could join those things and not have that awful stuff happen to you. And then you could be in on the secrets. Like I know secrets that you don't know.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Do you know, do you know, you, you, you don't know them.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  So they're secrets.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Cool. If I don't know them, how can I be excited about not knowing?

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Because I, you know that they exist, but you don't know what they are.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they could be not worth me knowing.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Like there's like secrets, like the secrets are like the government. You know, like you need to be okay with like.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know some secrets about the government?

• 8:09Speaker 02

  Personally, no, but I'm saying like, there's like secret files and stuff. You know, lists that may or may not exist.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  So they say.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  Well, you know what you're talking about.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. Who?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  What the hell?

• 8:23Speaker 02

  Jeffy, what happened? You know, like, you know, that guy was, that was.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  He was totally fine.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  He was totally fine. There was no one on the list, that list he got convicted for and with.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  What the list?

• 8:33Speaker 02

  What?

• 8:33Speaker 01

  What the fuck are you talking about?

• 8:36Speaker 02

  I don't vaguely remember someone bringing it up, but I've never heard or seen one.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  You guys believe that? Sure, there's a list of names.

• 8:43Speaker 02

  Wait, so you're gonna tell me these people that may or may not have been documented as hanging out with this evil person? Might have been on another list?

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, dude.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, right. Like, you don't even, you don't think for, you know what? You're brainwashed by the media and pull into believing that this thing that's obviously like makes sense to exist existed. As soon as Trump was like, "Forget about this stuff." I went, "Yeah." "Yeah." "Why would we even worked up about it in the first place? We're idiots." Wait a second. He didn't even, like, what, what list, dude? Why did I even care about that to begin with? Oh, that list that you said that he was going to expose? It's a fake thing that never happened, dude. Why would I even care? If you believe that, let me guess.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  You also don't believe that they were eating kids in pizza places, right? Come on. It was a joke list. Come on, guys. It was a comedy joke list. Who else doesn't run and get elected as leader of the free world on jokes? Come on. Everyone, oh, now, now, the soft- Take it, take it easy. Now, the soft liberals don't like jokes. Oh, my gosh, see, this is why we said we can't joke around anymore. This is why people can't be ha-ha funny jokessters anymore. Comedy is dead. Elon said it. He's, and he- And he is so right. And who, and- Who knows better about comedy than Elon Musk? Elon Musk, the comedian of all the worlds, come on. Comedy is dead. You know, like, it's, it's gone.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  So what? Anyway. So now Trump makes a joke and everyone, it's so serious. What list? I stopped caring, you know? How is it important, even? What could be on there that could expose anyone that we have elected or known of? Like, what? So there was an island and maybe there was some foul play. So what? A couple of fellas- Certain people in power went to hang out in the tropic. Okay, so what? Can't go on vacation? Oh, now vacation's illegal. Now we can't go on vacation? We gotta donate all our money. We're not allowed to go on vacation anymore. Oh, okay. So if I'm not donating half of my net worth, then I'm, then I'm on this supposed list? That's what it is.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  Gotcha. Anyway, back to these secret tunnels that I love. There's a secret tunnel that I saw? That is just for air.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Am I supposed to be impressed by that?

• 11:23Speaker 02

  But like, you wanna talk about secrets?

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  On the flight home from San Francisco, I watched National Treasure, reignited my fucking love for that movie.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  Oh, you're gonna steal, nah, just a rotation of British paintings.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  I forget that the, I forgot the plot of that movie where it's like, he's worried-

• 11:40Speaker 01

  It's a treasure, it's a treasure hunt.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  No, no, no. Not, like, that part, obviously, but like,

• 11:47Speaker 02

  the whole point of why he's stealing it is because he knows someone else is gonna try and steal it, so he's gonna steal it in order to protect it.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:57Speaker 02

  Talk about layers of idi- idiocy.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:00Speaker 02

  Like, what are we talking about here?

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and- Gonna steal treasure hunt, pass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it like leads to like secret treasure and gold and stuff like that, right?

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, dude, that shit is hard.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Listen up. If I ever found out that there was treasure within like a one mile radius of where I lived, I need a-

• 12:21Speaker 02

  I'm going with a spade shovel and I'm digging, dude.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Because the idea of hitting, ding!

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Ding ding! And then unearthing treasure. Now, if it was treasure in like a tomb? I'm only accepting treasure if it's in a wooden crate that has chains around it and a big old timey padlock.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  And it's held by a skeleton.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  And it's held by a skeleton and I can hit it off with the tip of the shovel.

• 12:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  That's the only way I want treasure.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Me too. And I also wanna be edged by clues.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  So like, I wanna think that I got the treasure, but it's like, oh, fuck, another clue.

• 12:57Speaker 02

  Oh, you open it up and it's just like, yai, I gotcha.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's like, damn, I gotta go to, no, no, I gotta go to North Carolina and bring this thing with me, and then I place it in the wall and it opens up another door.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  You know what I'm saying? Shit like that.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Like, you have to like press a secret button and then like the, the like, oh, this, any of these movies-

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  National Treasure, uh, uh, uh, Indiana Jones, when like a secret stone thing opens and you hear the like, and you see like the sand falling, that's my ASMR, baby.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Or if they like press a button and then like, there's just a cloud of dust, like, poosh! Like, air's in there now, it's like-

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Fuck! I don't need Asian girls like-

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Torches?

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Wait, what?

• 13:39Speaker 02

  Like Asian girls like, like clinking their nails against a glass.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Oh, oh.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  For like ASMR. I just need the sounds of Indiana Jones.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  Opening a stone sarcophagus.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  I'm glad you let me finish.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, cuz I was very confused by that. I was like, who said you needed Asian girls? Also torches, bro. There's ma- yo, listen, for all you torch-horners out there, horny torch people, I'm in, I'm in the club. National Treasure's got some great torches.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  Good torch work.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  Great torch work.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  Do they do the whole, like, they dip it in like a natural pool of gasoline?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  It's already got it on there.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  It's already-

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Light it. And he uses it to take down spider webs at one point. I'm like, I like that too.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  I do-

• 14:23Speaker 01

  I like that too.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  I do like that. Where was, there was a movie I recently watched or saw a clip from. And it was like, the underground is like a sewer of like natural gas. It might have been an Indiana Jones movie, now that I think about it.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  And you can't light a match?

• 14:37Speaker 02

  No, but like, he lit a torch.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  And kaboom?

• 14:40Speaker 02

  No, but like, that was the, like, that was the mistake. It's like, they were just like, oh, it's, you know-

• 14:45Speaker 01

  This would have kaboomed.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  This would have kaboomed.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, dude, I wanna see like, old timey padlocks that like, need those keys that like, clink in when you like-

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:54Speaker 02

  Get in there. Also, old timey keys and locks.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  I like a big circular set of keys.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  I do like a circular set of keys. Moreover, what's better than the idea of a torch? I wanna go through with like, an old dusty lantern. I'm talking this thing-

• 15:11Speaker 01

  My arm would get tired.

• 15:12Speaker 02

  I know, but like, then you could just drop it a little and you could put it down and-

• 15:16Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 15:17Speaker 02

  Cuz you, when you investigate, you need to get as close as, what the fuck?

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Oh shit, this hasn't been opened-

• 15:25Speaker 01

  And there's always a booby trap, right before you get in.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  I heard, you know what's crazy? Is I heard booby traps were fake. I heard they were a product of the movies, like-

• 15:33Speaker 01

  Fake boobs?

• 15:34Speaker 02

  Like, they, they were like, not like, where you like, step on something and like, poison darts shoot out across the walls and stuff like that. I heard that was all fake. There were like, things that like, led to like, fake rooms and like, mazes and stuff like that.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  Wait, you thought like the pyramids were filled with booby traps?

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, I figured that was just the movie, honestly. Oh, really? I thought that maybe there was some like locks. I heard that it was like, there were no like booby traps like that, but there were like Snake pits? Just like rooms and things that led to nowhere, so like you would get lost and eventually die. Right. Cause back then, I imagine their sense of direction was not great. Probably better than ours now. Definitely better than ours. They like, found out where to go by the stars. Yeah, dude, if I don't have GPS, I can't get fucking two miles from my house. Turn left in point one miles. Like, what's a point one? Just tell me when and where. Yeah, tell me when I'm turning.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  I did believe, I did, and I also believed, I'm not even gonna lie to you. Most of what I currently believe about ancient Egypt came from the mummy.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Which is also an underrated movie, and it's a good ride at Universal. Like a, a book that you need like a lock thing to open up and turn it to open? So sick. I mean dude, you can just cut it. It was probably made with like leather from, you know, five thousand years ago. But like, the idea that I needed, and it would like, clink when you turn it like

• 17:04Speaker 02

  I love that. I don't like the bugs. Too many bugs. There's a little, there's a couple bugs. There's a thousand bugs in this place. We don't need it. You would have hated the beetle I saw this morning. You had a beetle? We saw a beetle about like that big this morning. Yeah, I can't. Look at this bastard. I took a picture of it. Where was it? Right in my front yard. Oh no. Uh... That sucks. It was, it was, it was a, it was a cool beetle.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh wow, that's like a That's a beetle dude. Yeah, that's like a, like a Jurassic one. That's not the word. Um, like a I don't know what word you're looking for. It's like a, like a Prehistoric? No. It's by definition not, because it's alive. Like a textbook. Like you only really see pictures of beetles like that. It's a perf- it was a perfectly good beetle. It's a good beetle. It was a, it was a big one too. And he got stuck upside down. I had to help him over. No. I had to help him over. His little legs. Was he kicking? He was kicking. Can he fly? He could, but not when he's upside down, cause his shell. Oh. You know? We gotta get some beetles in here. We don't. One day, one day, we should lock Joey in his office and just release ten thousand locusts.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  Ten thousand locusts? What are you, the bible?

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Is he looking at me?

• 18:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  I am looking at you.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  He's looking at me hard.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:24Speaker 02

  First of all, you don't even know where to get one locust. Do you know how big a locust is?

• 18:29Speaker 01

  No.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  That was a guess.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  That's not it, that's not it.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  They're big.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  That's not that.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  A locust? Aren't they big?

• 18:38Speaker 01

  They're big.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  They're just grasshoppers. Aren't they?

• 18:40Speaker 01

  No, locusts come from grasshoppers.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  Come from?

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Come from?

• 18:44Speaker 02

  Like, what the hell does that mean?

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Grasshoppers, when they get really angry, they turn into locusts.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Real?

• 18:48Speaker 01

  What, what kind of?

• 18:49Speaker 02

  Hold on, hold on.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  What kind of, like?

• 18:50Speaker 02

  You're not gonna like me when I'm angry? They get, they grow big like the Hulk?

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm not kidding, I'm forty percent sure that's the fact.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  Forty percent is way too low-

• 18:59Speaker 01

  That's not even fifty.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  To be on the basement yard.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  When they get mad? Dude, they can't... Hold on.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  Grasshoppers don't turn into locusts. There's that sixty percent working hard for them.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, dumbass. Keep, keep reading, keep reading.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  But rather, certain grasshopper species exhibit a phase change when environmental conditions trigger g-...

• 19:19Speaker 01

  Gregarious?

• 19:19Speaker 02

  Gregarious behavior? So they just decide they're gonna be aggressive and they're like, "I'm a locust now."

• 19:25Speaker 01

  See, that's what I'm saying.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  No, it causes them to swarm and act like- Now, now, the locusts are trans! Oh! Oh, they're, I bet the locusts are on this list.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  No, the locusts aren't trans, the grasshoppers are trans.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  That's what I meant.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  But, they get physical and behavioral shifts, they get angry and they turn into locusts.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  So they like, try to act- So a locust is just a state of mind?

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  So it's not just like a physical thing, it's just like, you know what, I'm, I'm like, gonna be big locust energy today.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  No, this is like when, um... So, what this feels like, is like, locusts are like the real gangsters. You know?

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  And then grasshoppers are like, white kids from Long Island. You know, and then-

• 20:08Speaker 02

  I, I kinda hear what you're saying.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  And then they try to like, they get mad and they use the N-word and then they're like, this is what they're doing.

• 20:13Speaker 02

  That's exactly-

• 20:14Speaker 01

  So it's kinda like that.

• 20:15Speaker 02

  That's exactly what it is. But if they get too mad, then they become juggalos and go to like insane clown posse concerts, but they never get there.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  They never get there.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  To him, the Insane Clown Posse, they used to have bangers, yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  What? You were an ICP fan?

• 20:31Speaker 01

  I wasn't an ICP.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  You were a Juggalo?

• 20:33Speaker 01

  My cousin was. He had a giant poster on the back of his door.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  That is one of the worst things I've heard about your family.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  That's, that by association is bad for everyone in your family.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  I'll take it. I mean...

• 20:46Speaker 02

  I mean, like, I think, it's funny. I like tweeted, I have my friends from college, Kelsey and Eric, we, we had these like inside, like, not inside jokes, but I would always do that thing that I do to you, where I'm just like, "Oh my god, you're a big fan of like, you know, rioting and stuff like that?" You know, just like, to like, get a rise out of people. And I one time tweeted at them that like, like, "Hey, you guys still big fans of the Insane Clown Posse?" And they both texted me and they were like, "Francisco." They were like, "They're technically a terrorist organization. You can't be spreading shit like that on Twitter." Apparently. I don't think it's actually true.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  Oh, that's interesting. Maybe they were doing it back to you. Scared you.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  They did. I was just like, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't, it was a joke." But, uh, yeah, I didn't know that you were, you're a Juggalo-adjacent.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  I don't, I mean, I'm not, I don't...

• 21:34Speaker 02

  I mean, it's like grasshoppers, frogs and toads, baby. You know? You could be a Juggalo. You just need a little bit of face paint, some baggy jeans, and a very specific hairstyle that can only be attributed to the early 2000s.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, that is true. Do you know the Insane Clown Posse?

• 21:50Speaker 02

  Never heard of the Insane Clown Posse?

• 21:52Speaker 00

  Never heard of them.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  Have you ever like... Shaggy Too Dope, is that, is that his name?

• 21:55Speaker 01

  I, I, I don't know.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  That didn't jog the memory.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Have you?

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Have you ever like, had a clown around?

• 22:04Speaker 00

  What is it? Like, in my house?

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Like, at a birthday party?

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Like, you clown around with people?

• 22:06Speaker 01

  You ever clown around?

• 22:07Speaker 00

  I've seen a clown.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, but like, you, you like, interacted with him?

• 22:11Speaker 00

  I didn't hang out with him. He asked me to.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a problem.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a, if, alright, hey, here, guys.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  What do you mean, "He asked me to"?

• 22:19Speaker 00

  It's just, it happens sometimes.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  No.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  We need specific detail, and it doesn't happen sometimes?

• 22:25Speaker 02

  It's important to know for your safety and the safety of any children that may be watching.

• 22:29Speaker 00

  I was curious about clown school and I asked too many questions and he started to like, talk to me.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Wait, where the hell did this happen?

• 22:36Speaker 00

  It was at a, uh, my cousin's birthday party.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  And you went up to the clown and you were like, "What's school like?"

• 22:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  I know clown school, apparently, it's like, I don't know if it's still this way, but I learned this from Steve-O, who went to clown school. It's like, one of the hardest, if not the hardest, school to get into in the country. Clown school. It was like, more difficult to get into than like Harvard and Yale at the time.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Okay. This is another one of those things that I don't believe, just like the Whispering Hall or whatever the fuck that was.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  No, Steve-O, from Jackass.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  He went to clown school. And I think, like, in, like, hindsight, I've listened to his podcast.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Steve-O got into a school that is harder to get into than Harvard and Yale.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Apparently, like, they let in less people and have more applicants.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  There's no fucking way. What percentage of applicants do you think get accepted into clown school?

• 23:34Speaker 02

  Did you look it up?

• 23:37Speaker 02

  It's gotta be.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  I don't know the percentage, but from Steve-O.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  Guess one.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  And maybe, alright, I'm saying.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Hold on, I'm saying, are we saying today? Because today might be a different standard. People aren't, you know, begging to get into clown school like they were in the early 90s.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Here we go, here we go, yeah.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  I would say 10%.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  I'll, I'll, I'll even be nice, I'll say 4.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  2% of applicants get accepted into clown school.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  And now look up what Ivy League school percentage applicants get in.

• 24:11Speaker 00

  In the writing here, it says it is less than Harvard.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  I fucking told you. Steve-O, you fucking did well for me again. You didn't let me down, buddy. Hell yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  How many people are trying to be a clown?

• 24:28Speaker 02

  I mean, I don't know about today, but like, back in the day, bro, the 80s? Big time for clowns. John Wayne Gacy ruined clowns. That was what, the 70s? Eighties, seventies?

• 24:40Speaker 01

  I mean, I don't know, but.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  It was like.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Are clowns even making bread like that?

• 24:44Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm sure if you get into like a good, like, it's not like you then become a clown, but like you could be, like, you have clown skills. And you could be just like a, a ha ha he he guy at a show. You go to the fucking box all the time.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  Those, there's no clowns there?

• 25:02Speaker 02

  You never know. At, next time you go to the box, in between when people are like pissing, throwing up and crapping on each other, ask them if any of them went to clown school.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  While, while we're having fun, do you wanna, do you wanna guess the average salary of a circus clown?

• 25:17Speaker 02

  Oh, ten thousand dollars.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say forty-two.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  It's in between forty-six and eighty-five per year. They can get up there.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  Well, that's probably.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  They need eight plus years of experience to get up there.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Bro.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  That's insane.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  That's what it says.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Eight years of clowning around to make forty-two?

• 25:38Speaker 00

  No, no, that's for the high end.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  No, to make eighty-five.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  To make eighty?

• 25:41Speaker 02

  That's a great, I mean, I'm sure it is very physically demanding and, you know, they always say like,

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're like.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  The clown, the clown cries, you know, like the, the, the.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  What?

• 25:51Speaker 02

  There's like a stor- like a famous story, like, there's like a sad clown or something like that. I don't remember what it's called. Pagliacci?

• 26:01Speaker 01

  This isn't jogging either of our memories here.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Pagliacci, P-A-G-G-L-I-I.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  What is that, an Italian clown?

• 26:07Speaker 02

  I think it's like a story of an Italian sad clown. And it's like, it's, the, the moral of it is like, he's the sad person or something like that.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  How does that even apply to this conversation?

• 26:19Speaker 00

  He's right.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  Why, why does that apply?

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, that part, I don't know.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  This is a great day to be frank. I'm two for two so far.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Why do you know so much about clowns?

• 26:29Speaker 02

  And the Whispering Wim Room or whatever it's called. I'm just like, it's like a story.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Why'd you bring up the sad clown?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Because I'm saying I'm sure that it is mentally and emotionally taxing on people to be a clown.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  So I'm sure like, yeah, like that 86,000 being a clown, you think like, oh, it's easy work. But I'm sure that there is a level of weight that comes with it that these clown.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're a clown.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like, I'm sure that there's more to it. Like, no one ever asks a clown how they're doing, or how their day is, you know?

• 26:58Speaker 01

  I mean, we don't know that.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  When's the last time you asked a clown how their day was?

• 27:01Speaker 01

  I haven't even sniffed a clown or seen a clown.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Sniffing a clown is the standard there is kinda crazy.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  I haven't been close enough to smell one.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  I, I, respect to clowns. Hats off to clowns.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  I'm not...

• 27:16Speaker 02

  You sound a little disrespectful to clowns, Joey.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  What did I say?

• 27:20Speaker 02

  You're amazed at the amount of money they're making, which means you believe they're overpaid.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you spent eight years to make forty.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  You're flabbergasted. You're flabbergasted at the idea that clown college is the hardest school in the United States to get into.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  Yes, that is true. I am still flabbergasted by that.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  I mean, you know, it's an elite group of performers and entertainers that need skills that are outside of the realm of what the common folk can do. It's not just about flips.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  How does it make sense, though, that that's the hardest school to get into? And you're only, you're capped at eighty?

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Well, because clowns aren't what they used to be, Joey.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  So why would, why would people still wanna be like, go, why would people still wanna be clowns?

• 28:09Speaker 02

  I mean, sometimes, sometimes the clowning calls you.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Sometimes, sometimes, you know, people, there are some people that clown around, and then there were some people that were born a clown around.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  That were, yeah, they've just been down with clowns.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  They've been down with the clown, you know, and, and I'm sure the insane clown posse didn't do great for the image of clowns.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  I am positive.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  I can almost guarantee that shaggy two dobbin' Janko jeans and face paint has negatively, negatively affected the clown, image of clowns in our country. John Wayne Gacy didn't help either.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Certainly not. I don't think anyone has done more damage to the clown community than him.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  I mean, bro, Bozo.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Bozo was the guy.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  It was like, the clown. Bozo the Clown was like, the biggest clown in the world.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  He's like an icon.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Still very confusing, but...

• 29:07Speaker 02

  What's confusing about it? You know, some people would call us clowns.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  But technically, we didn't get into this school, so they'd be wrong.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Right. We are not documented clowns.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  We're not, we're not doctor of clowns, you know? We don't have a bachelor's of clowning around.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  We have nothing.

• 29:26Speaker 02

  Well, I have degrees in some capacity. You have nothing.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  Well, you don't have clown degrees.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  Some people would say I do.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  That is true. Well, we also have sponsors.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Surprisingly, but how they're... How we're still getting ads at this point?

• 29:47Speaker 01

  We do have sponsors. Uh, we have stamps.com. Uh, stamps.com brings all the amazing, um, services of the post office right to your fingertips. With stamps.com, uh, you go on their website, handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever. Uh, seamlessly connect with every major marketplace or, and shopping cart if you sell products online. Um, you can access all the USPS and UPS services you need. Uh, no lines, no traffic, no waiting. You can just, you know, log on to your computer and that's all you need. You can take care of it right there. Um, there's no more tedious postage math. Uh, they have a rate advisor that helps you calculate the best shipping rates fast. Not only that, and not only is it gonna save you time, but it's gonna save you some money too.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  You can get rates, um, you won't see anywhere else, like up to 89% off USPS and UPS rates. So you're saving time and you're saving money. So don't waste time worrying about a postage expert or standing in line to drop off letters and packages. Uh, go to stamps.com, uh, slash basement to sign up for a special offer. No contract, cancel anytime. That is stamps.com slash basement. You'll get a four-week trial free postage and a digital scale at stamps.com slash basement. So, there you go, folks. You wanna go to stamps.com, you're gonna sell some packages, you have a small business? Go to stamps.com slash basement and enjoy that, folks, okay? And we also have Squarespace, okay?

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Squarespace is going to be the platform that you're going to use to build your website. Whether you create content, or if you have a small business, or whatever, your website is going to be your first impression. So it's important that it looks professional and... Squarespace is going to help you create a great looking website and it's very easy thanks to their templates. You just click on them, you go through, there's a bunch of them and you find the right fit for you. They'll even give you suggestions. If you have a certain type of business, they have suggestions on which templates you should use or which other people have used in the past and you switch out the pictures and the text and you get moving right there. You have a great looking website and they also have some tools that will help you optimize your traffic or let you know where things are coming from so

• 31:58Speaker 01

  that you can have the best possible website you can. Anytime that we create websites, we are using Squarespace.com and that's just a testament to how good their product is. So head to Squarespace.com/basement to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement, okay? So again, that is Squarespace.com/basement to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement.

• 32:23Speaker 02

  Very nice Joey. Good job with that ad read. You want to see me outdo it? Cause I'm gonna baby. Patreon.com/thebasementyard. It's big green Frank over here and I'm not clowning around when I talk to you, okay? I'm very serious right now. If you guys want to continue to support the show, which thank you for all you that have had in the past and will, please continue to help us. Patreon.com. Please play the, hey, play the Sarah McLachlan song while I'm doing this.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  What?

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Play the Sarah McLachlan song while I'm doing this.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Nobody do it.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Patreon.com/thebasementyard, alright? You sign up for that first tier, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. That's second tier. Guess what? Alright? You want to see this little kitty cat here? Get its head blown out? No you don't.

• 33:03Speaker 01

  What?

• 33:04Speaker 02

  Get its head blown out?

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Okay. Go to Patreon.com/thebasementyard. The second tier, you get weekly episodes, exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start and end your week with the basement yard. You see this little cute little puppy right here? You don't want anything to happen to this. So go to Patreon.com/thebasementyard. And if you want to save yourself some money and you know, all you gotta do is go.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Go to the web browser version, Patreon.com/thebasementyard, and in order to sign up there, because if you use the app, then you're gonna have to spend extra money, because the people that run those apps, whoever, they use it through Apple, whoever, they charge extra money. So, go check it out, Patreon.com/thebasementyard. Folks, if you're seeing this, we are back on tour. We have done some shows already. We are excited. See this little duck right here? Careful what happens to it next. You better listen to me. Is the Sarah McLachlan music still playing?

• 34:16Speaker 01

  We're not CGI-ing anything in your hands.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  You can put a duck right here?

• 34:21Speaker 01

  No!

• 34:21Speaker 02

  Josh, you got this. Oh, look, here, here, put a little penguin right here, or something. We're back on the tour, we're back on the road, we're having a ton of fun doing these shows. So, if you haven't been able to pick up a ticket, there are still some available. Go check it out at thebasementyard.com. There's tickets available in select cities. And we'd love to see you to come hang out with any of us, whether it be Hollywood, Florida, whether it be Vegas, whether it be Madison Square Garden. Okay, so you can see, you can find those tickets at thebasementyard.com. And, while you're at it, sorry, I gotta get rid of these animals, they're everywhere.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  What is this bit?

• 35:07Speaker 01

  Of you killing animals?

• 35:09Speaker 00

  He's threatening to kill them, to be clear.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  I'm not. I'm telling them that that's what someone out there will do, if they don't listen to me, guys.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  If you're coming to any of the shows, go to thebasementyard.com/submit. Sometimes, when you submit funny stories, interesting stories, crazy stories, we talk to you, about you, with you at one of the shows, you never know, anything could happen. We had an Olympic gold medalist come onstage with us at one of the shows. We did a gender reveal at one, a proposal at one, anything could happen, but we won't be able to make it happen if you don't submit. So, thebasementyard.com/submit, go check it out. We love you, we thank you, and let's hope these animals are okay.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Well, I don't really know how to follow that up. But I would like to watch that video that we have queued up. There's a video of a... What is it? It's like...

• 36:03Speaker 02

  So, I was scouring the internet and there is a video that came out. I'm not going to tell you the hook to the video. I'm just gonna tell you that it was... I guess this is the most of the hook. Someone crashed a wedding.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  And got a hold of a microphone.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Okay. Hey, can we pull this up?

• 36:27Speaker 02

  And things happened.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  I let this crazy woman attend my wedding and she crashed out.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Just play it.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Play it. It's 58 seconds long.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  By the way, I just gotta say, crashed out? Kinda love it as terminology. It feels appropriate.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. Ready? Just be ready to pause at any moment. Okay. Okay.

• 36:51Speaker 03

  You are so lucky. You are the luckiest woman in the world. Dan is such a great guy.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Well, I was just saying, this is getting a little crazy now.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  The woman could ever want. He's kind, generous, successful, gorgeous. He's got an incredible body.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Incredible body's a little crazy. Oh, but they laughed. Okay, fine. So, clearly they think, oh, okay, ha, ha, ha.

• 37:21Speaker 03

  I would do anything to be you, Carolyn. No, really, I would. Because, Dan, you never even gave us a chance!

• 37:31Speaker 03

  You never even gave us a chance! I'm the one who taught you to make crab cakes!

• 37:34Speaker 01

  What?

• 37:35Speaker 03

  For you! You was only making crab cakes!

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Hold on. Pause this? She taught him how to... One, what the fuck? And two, I taught you how to make crab cakes?

• 37:44Speaker 02

  I mean... Sounds pretty cool. Crab cakes are great.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  I mean, how is that what you're benchmarking your, like, love on? This is such an insane thing to do at a wedding, by the way. Which I don't know if they do it anymore.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  I don't think they do it anymore, yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  Someone, if, speak now, if... Why are we even doing this?

• 38:02Speaker 02

  Well, because I think it was probably like a thing back in like the medieval times where they were just like, "Ay, throw down thy gauntlet."

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, like...

• 38:08Speaker 02

  To take her.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Fight one-on-one for the wedding?

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  Like, insane. Yeah, this woman is... Get her out of there. Alright.

• 38:18Speaker 04

  Seriously, it's seriously, what did she have that I don't, I'm Asian too!

• 38:23Speaker 02

  I'm Asian too.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  I'm Asian too?

• 38:27Speaker 01

  I'm Asian too?

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Yo, can I ask you a serious question? Is it about Asians? No, we talked about them earlier with the ASMR stuff. What would you do if your wedding, like a crazy ex popped up and did something like that?

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Luckily, I do not have an ex that I think is an insane person.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  I know, I'm not saying like, and I'm not telling you to scour the fucking, you know, the, the annex of exes that you have. I'm just saying like...

• 39:01Speaker 01

  Scour the annex?

• 39:03Speaker 02

  I'm just saying like, what is your reaction if something like this happens to you?

• 39:07Speaker 01

  Speechless.

• 39:08Speaker 02

  Just...

• 39:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, like if someone was like, no, like, why, I, I would be like, somebody shoot her.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  With a, with a real gun, the gun that, that was being aimed at those poor animals before?

• 39:19Speaker 01

  No, like a stun. No, I mean, like, I honestly, like, a real answer is like, I, I would be speechless.

• 39:25Speaker 02

  I, I mean, I would have to get up and remove this person with the assistance of other people.

• 39:33Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm not gonna like...

• 39:35Speaker 02

  If I look at you and I go, "Let's go," you're not coming with me and like...

• 39:38Speaker 01

  Whose wedding is it?

• 39:40Speaker 02

  Mine.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, it's your wedding?

• 39:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, or yours!

• 39:43Speaker 01

  I mean, I would hope that I don't have to get up at my own wedding to do this, like, that someone would do something.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Oh, so you'd look at me and you'd give me the look, you'd go?

• 39:51Speaker 01

  Frank, yeah.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  You'd go?

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Like, if it was your wedding...

• 39:53Speaker 02

  Unleash the hounds!

• 39:55Speaker 01

  If it was your wedding and one of your exes was, like, just showed up and started acting crazy, like, "I'm ushering this girl out."

• 40:01Speaker 02

  You think so?

• 40:02Speaker 01

  Absolutely!

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Oh, I think, well, there, there would have, my sister and some of her friends that would have been at my wedding might have had something to do with that first.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I could see your sister going nuts there, but...

• 40:12Speaker 02

  I...

• 40:13Speaker 01

  God, my sister, bro.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  I can't even imagine, because, listen, regardless of what...

• 40:20Speaker 02

  This situation is-

• 40:21Speaker 01

  God.

• 40:22Speaker 02

  That is so wildly uncomfortable for the bride if she was with the groom.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Not only that, I mean, everyone involved, absolutely, that would be just devastating. But like, if you're this person, what are you hoping to get out of this? That that dude's gonna go, "You're right, get the fuck out of here."

• 40:41Speaker 02

  You're obviously trying to put yourself in the mind of someone that has some form of a delusion. So like, in their mind, they probably have convinced themselves that this is gonna be like, the thing that wins them back. Rom-coms have ruined-

• 40:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:58Speaker 02

  So much of that, because like, people think like, if I show up when he's about to get on the plane with his girlfriend, he'll see me and-

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Just don't do that.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  People get into clown school before something like that actually happens.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  There's a better chance of you getting into clown school.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, what's up, man?

• 41:15Speaker 01

  You have a question? Is it selfish of me to hope that this happens at a wedding?

• 41:19Speaker 02

  That you're attending?

• 41:21Speaker 01

  It's not, but I would like it to happen at a wedding too, but if I can pick who it happens to.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  Cause I don't want it to happen to someone that I like, actually really care about. If I'm like at a fringe friend wedding, I'm all for it.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  Oh, so like a, like a, like a uncle's cousin's getting married or something like that? Not related by marriage, and you're just like, something needs to spice this up a little bit?

• 41:43Speaker 01

  Or selfishly, like, you know, like an in-law's wedding, or like a, you know, your partner's fucking, their friends, like, I don't-

• 41:54Speaker 02

  So, so someone tangentially?

• 41:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, not, not mine.

• 41:59Speaker 02

  Gotcha.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Someone-

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Okay. I'm going to add a layer to this that I think is gonna make you lose your mind.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  You know me. You know I'm all for a good joke. And sometimes, those jokes fall flat.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  What would you do if I told you that this was staged by the groom as a prank on his wife?

• 42:27Speaker 01

  Frankie. Is that what this is?

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. So reportedly-

• 42:32Speaker 01

  Oh, you'd divorce that guy.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  You don't even finish the- you don't even- I mean, I guess the papers are probably signed at that point in time.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  If I'm her, if I'm the bride, I'd be like, "Are you a fucking idiot?" "Why would you think this would go well?"

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Because here's the thing. I love pranks. Joey, prank Frank. Pranky Frankie. I'm all about pranks. But this is ruining the night for everyone in her-

• 42:58Speaker 01

  Every single person.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  Every single person in the bride's family. And it is so wildly selfish.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  You're the only one that gets something-

• 43:08Speaker 02

  You're the only one that thinks it's funny. Which-

• 43:11Speaker 01

  That is so dumb. That's what happened?

• 43:14Speaker 02

  No wonder. There are rates of women just not having relationships with men more than ever before.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Bro, that is the dumbest- I- like, what is the thought process? Of like, "Oh, it's a- it's a- I'm just kidding, I hired her."

• 43:31Speaker 02

  Even if the- even if that person would laugh immediately, the storm that is coming behind the scenes of just like, "What the fuck? Like, what? In front of my family? Like..."

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Dude. And if- if I was at a wedding like this, and the joke went well, I would stand up and be like, "What's wrong with all of you morons?" "This is wrong and dumb."

• 43:56Speaker 02

  This is dumb.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  "You're all idiots and I'm leaving." Like, that would be insane.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  I think, like, I'm- now, I'm putting myself in somebody else's shoes here. I'm gonna put myself in the shoes of this is my daughter getting married?

• 44:10Speaker 02

  Bro, I'm telling you right now. I'm getting a gun and I'm shooting that dude in the back of the head. Front of the head, in front of his parents.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  My daughter's wedding and he pulls a prank like.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  This is.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  I rip his suit off.

• 44:29Speaker 02

  And?

• 44:30Speaker 01

  The suit jacket. I meant like I'm roughing him up. You're, you're.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  I don't know where you're going. You said suit and suit is traditionally two pieces.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  I strip him naked.

• 44:41Speaker 02

  I get his cock out and I say, how dare you? And I bat it around.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  Alright, alright, now you're going crazy now with the batting around.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  Oh, you know what? I'd be with you. I'd rip his suit off and I'd shoot him in the penis.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  What do you mean I'm with you? Like I was gonna say that.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  I'm with you with the whole ripping the suit off. That, where you go after the suit is ripped off? I can't be on board with, because I don't know. I know that if this was my daughter, I'd let you rip the suit off because you really want to do that for some reason.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:10Speaker 02

  And then I'm, I'm pointing the gun at his penis and I'm shooting until it, until it is dust. What I'm finding.

• 45:18Speaker 05

  Pink Pantheress here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Interesting is that like everyone in the background's laughing, like did they know?

• 45:49Speaker 00

  It could be awkward laughing. I, that's what I would do the whole time.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  That is somehow just as bad.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  I would literally be like this.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  If I was the bride.

• 46:03Speaker 02

  And everyone else in the room knew but me? That's...

• 46:08Speaker 01

  Oh, that's horrific.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  Wait, that's so bad. I don't want to say worse.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  I'm divorcing my family as well.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, just be like, "All of you thought this would be a ha-ha-hee-hee moment?"

• 46:16Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 46:17Speaker 02

  "Every single one of you, take out your penises. I'm gonna shoot them."

• 46:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're all shooting everyone's penis off.

• 46:21Speaker 02

  We're gonna shoot everyone's penis there.

• 46:22Speaker 01

  Get outta here. Um, yeah, it's too crazy.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  There's an argument if this is this guy's sense of humor, nobody really likes him anyway.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, the fact that you found a woman to marry you with this sense of humor is astonishing as it is.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  I mean... That's exactly why you should play it safe and not do stuff like this, because there's no way you find another. So just chill.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  You know who should get married? This guy and the guy that gave the speech where it's just like, "The happiest I am is when the kids go to sleep and you start ball gagging on my fucking shaft."

• 46:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Yo, I saw another one like that.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  Bad?

• 46:57Speaker 01

  Where a guy was like...

• 47:01Speaker 01

  I assume before the clip, the woman gave her vows or whatever. And the guy goes, "I can't wait to tap that whenever I want." And just like laughs, and the priest is like... Or the officiant's like, "That's all you're gonna say?" And he's like, "Yep." And he's like, "Seriously, that's all you're gonna say?"

• 47:18Speaker 02

  And then they cheersed with monster energy.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  And the guy was like, "Can you try and find that?"

• 47:24Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  It's like, "I can tap that ass whenever I want," or something like that.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Tap that? First of all...

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, it ain't 1999, brother.

• 47:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, "Tap that ass" is the craziest way. It's like, this guy's favorite movie is Joe Dirt.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  And the guy...

• 47:38Speaker 02

  Second of all, if you wanna get specific...

• 47:41Speaker 01

  That's another good, bad movie.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  It's whenever that person wants, not whenever you want, fucking hillbilly boy. It's like, "I can tap that ass, whatever, I want," or something like that. He said something like that.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  Is it smack that ass?

• 47:50Speaker 02

  Oh, maybe it's that.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  Okay, I think I got it.

• 47:52Speaker 02

  Maybe it's smack that ass, which is like, still, I mean...

• 47:56Speaker 01

  And the officiant kept going like, "For real, like, you're not gonna..." And he's like, "Didn't write anything." That's what he said.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  He gave her how many chances did he give him?

• 48:02Speaker 01

  Like, three.

• 48:03Speaker 02

  Too many.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Dude, insane.

• 48:05Speaker 02

  I wouldn't even, I would've cut him off. "I can tap that..." Stop!

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  "Say I do," and I would turn around and leave. I'd leave their papers on the altar, be like, "Find someone else to submit these, because I'm not doing this."

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Dude, it's so bad. This is it, that's it, that's it. "I promise to smack that."

• 48:22Speaker 02

  Oh, another white guy. Shocker!

• 48:24Speaker 01

  Well, you have to turn the volume on, brother.

• 48:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 48:27Speaker 02

  I gotcha. Alright, here we go. Alright, here we go.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  I'll probably just smack at every chance I get. That's all I got.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  I didn't write nothing down.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  That's what you're going out with?

• 48:43Speaker 01

  That's what I'm going with. We've made it this long.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  And he goes, "We've made it this long." Yet, oh my god, cut his head off. Cut it, cut it off! Cut it off! Dude. He's like- I'm letting you know right now.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Guys, just stop. Just stop. Just stop. It's so easy. It's so fucking easy. It's okay to say nice stuff to your wife? It's not gay! It's not gay! It never was. It's so cool to- It's cool to be nice to your wife? You know, I have the greatest wife in the world. You know how excited I get to love her and tell people how much I love her? That's all you gotta do! Say nice stuff. It's nice, you stupid asshole. Oh, I can't wait to ta-tay it. Oh my god. Who is that even for? I would, if I was his wife, the first time he smacked my ass, I'm crapping in his hands.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  Are you fucking kidding me?

• 49:39Speaker 02

  This is so-

• 49:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, just be constantly shitting on his hands if he smacked my butt.

• 49:43Speaker 02

  Come in close, pull in close. Josh, you're close? It's so easy.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  Just stop.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  All you gotta do is those, those, those, what you think is funny? Don't do that. Just buy, buy a small filter. And just filter him through there.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  That's all you gotta do. I'm becoming Sebastian Maniscalco.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Slap that ass every chance I get. We should cut his hands off.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  He, the only ass he should be smacking is...

• 50:15Speaker 02

  His pantsuits when they're on the ground and I shoot his penis off.

• 50:21Speaker 01

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• 51:03Speaker 01

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• 51:45Speaker 01

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• 52:30Speaker 01

  We have a piece of the hardware that we bring to the shows. So you guys can tap, pay with the card. This is how we're doing it. It tracks inventory. So this is, this is Square, okay? And if you have a business out there where you are selling things, or you offer a service to people, Square makes it very simple. It's a one-stop shop for everything that you need, okay? And if you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to $200 off Square hardware at square.com/go/basement. That's square, S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O slash basement, okay?

• 53:13Speaker 01

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• 53:19Speaker 02

  Beautiful.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  You all right? You can't breathe or something?

• 53:24Speaker 01

  No, I'm just like astounded by them. I'm flabbergasted once again.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  What's the, like, I mean, I think we actually recently spoke about this, so never mind. But Ant, what would you do if you saw this at a wedding? If you're, if it's your wedding?

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Like, I'm getting married?

• 53:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Oh, I'd hope someone stepped in way earlier. Also, the fact that someone gave her a mic is confusing, but now I know it was a joke.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:44Speaker 00

  It would've stopped right away, I think.

• 53:46Speaker 02

  So that means several people were in on it?

• 53:49Speaker 01

  Well, the moron fucking husband was.

• 53:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, as long as you-

• 53:52Speaker 01

  So he kinda calls the shots there.

• 53:54Speaker 00

  You just need him to be in on it.

• 53:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, if the bride or groom wants something, they usually get it.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Oh, my god. I, like, that is-

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Bro, run that idea by literally one person and they're gonna tell you it's a bad idea.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  Hey, hey, hey.

• 54:07Speaker 01

  Don't fucking do that.

• 54:08Speaker 02

  Unless this is like one of those, like, TikTok couples that, like, prank each other. You know what I'm talking about?

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  Where it's like, where, you know, the one where, like, the girl walks in and he, like, perfectly shoots a dart at, like, a milk balloon above the door. You know what I'm talking about?

• 54:22Speaker 01

  What is that?

• 54:23Speaker 02

  Dude-

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Is that shaving cream? Is it milk? Is it yogurt?

• 54:26Speaker 02

  Whatever it is.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  There's no way it's real.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  Come on, guys.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:29Speaker 02

  Come on!

• 54:30Speaker 01

  He ain't getting me, fellas.

• 54:31Speaker 02

  Come on, everybody, like, we're not... Who do you think we are?

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  This is the king of the internet, dude. This guy knows everything that happens on there. Everything.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  Well, I've never accessed the dark web.

• 54:46Speaker 02

  Me neither. I don't even wanna say the word because it scares me.

• 54:48Speaker 01

  Dark web?

• 54:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:50Speaker 01

  Why?

• 54:50Speaker 02

  It's scary to me.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  Why? You don't wanna buy like a kidney?

• 54:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 54:55Speaker 01

  Me neither.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  No, I don't.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  I don't wanna either dude.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  That's a very easy and obvious answer there.

• 55:01Speaker 01

  I don't wanna buy a kidney.

• 55:03Speaker 02

  How would you even go about finding that?

• 55:05Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  How many people you think just Google it and then just?

• 55:08Speaker 01

  You Google dark, where's the dark web?

• 55:10Speaker 02

  Where is it? How do I get there?

• 55:11Speaker 01

  How do I get to the deep dark web?

• 55:13Speaker 02

  How do I get there so I can prove that this list never existed? Oh my god, do your own research.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I've never accessed the dark web, never done anything like that, so.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  Did you see that Liquid Death? Has a flavor coming out that is fruity Pebble milk flavor? Water?

• 55:35Speaker 01

  I mean, that, I don't know how good that sounds. Milk, water?

• 55:38Speaker 02

  I don't think it's like milk, but I think I, I looked it up the other day. It's fruity, here. Back with a bizarre beverage, this time they're taking breakfast. The canned water brand is partnering with Fruity Pebbles to launch a new sparkling water that tastes like cereal and milk combo.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Um, I would try it, but it sounds like it'll be rough. It's not liking you.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  Listen to me right now. When's the last time you had fruity Pebbles and you just swam amongst the Pebbles?

• 56:05Speaker 01

  I had them... Like... Eight months ago.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  Very specific. Why, why are you so, uh, was it like a Christmas time?

• 56:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  Did you have Christmas Pebbles?

• 56:17Speaker 01

  No, it was just the regular ones. But I did have them.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  I thought the timeline was gonna be way longer, so that's impressive to me.

• 56:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it might have been longer for me. It might have been a couple of years.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, I don't, I haven't eaten cereal in a very long time, but then I was like, fuck it, let's get some fucking fruity Pebbles.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  Hell yeah!

• 56:33Speaker 01

  And then I ate it every day for like three days and the rocks are gone.

• 56:36Speaker 02

  I'm kinda excited for when, uh, they take all those like nat- unnatural dyes out of the food, so I can then just get back into fruity Pebbles.

• 56:43Speaker 01

  I don't think it'll still be good, though.

• 56:46Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm sure they'll, it's, I'm not worried about the sugar. I'm worried about the like red forty.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, that stuff's not great.

• 56:53Speaker 02

  Because I know if I bring it into the house, I'm gonna have it, and then if I'm gonna have it, my kids are gonna have it, and I can't give them...

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 56:59Speaker 02

  What could potentially be poison.

• 57:01Speaker 01

  Right.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  You know? I gotta be responsible. So maybe I'll like closet, you know how like people closet smoke cigarettes in their house?

• 57:08Speaker 01

  You're gonna closet eat fruity Pebbles?

• 57:10Speaker 02

  Bingo. You could just wait till they go to sleep. And then just get a little bit of- I'm normally tired by the time they're in sleep. What time do they usually go to sleep, children? Maeve is between 7 and 7:30, but once that sun starts setting earlier, she's going, she's just 6, 6:30, she's getting spiked into bed. I'll tell you that.

• 57:31Speaker 00

  Like that mouse.

• 57:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. Ruby, honestly, I'm not even kidding, it has to do with the time of the year. During the winter, when the sun sets at like 4:30, they're ready for bed at like 6:30. Uh huh. Ruby's a little later now, she's in bed by like 8:30 now, but like, again. What about Miles? What? Mile- What time did I go to sleep back then? During the school year, his bedtime was like, he had to start like brushing his teeth at like 8:15 and he's in bed by like 8:45. Okay. And, but he's, honestly, he's the toughest one to get to bed. Because like Maeve, we put her into bed, shut the door, goodnight, she stays there. Ruby, she sits there, she reads, she keeps her light on, she turns it off, puts herself to sleep. It's the cutest thing in the world. Miles?

• 58:14Speaker 02

  I just wanted to come out and talk to you guys. I just wanted to, oh my god, I'm so hungry.

• 58:20Speaker 02

  Literally- He just wants to chill. Liter- yeah, and it's cute, and I know I'll miss it one day, but like, I'll be in bed like dozing off, Rebecca and I will be watching something, and he'll be like, "Kiki, can you, uh, can you go make me like a pizza bagel?" And I'm like, "Dude, it's 9 o'clock, like I'm not gonna go and make you a full meal." He's like, "All right, I'll just have a waffle."

• 58:42Speaker 02

  And I'm like, "Dude, what?" Yeah. But- Can't. Yeah. It's, it's, it's a, it's an art, getting kids to sleep. An art. It's a dance. Yeah. Oh, Santa gets thrown out a lot, you know? Oh, once you start getting there. Santa's watching, guys. No, even during the summer. Even, even during the summer, yeah. That's good. You really want Santa to find out, you're like, "Okay, I'm gonna call him." You know? I'll give him a ring, I'll give him a buzz. Santa's the ultimate tool. It's a good one. You know?

• 59:11Speaker 00

  Not to get too Christmas in July, but Elf on a Shelf, you guys use that?

• 59:15Speaker 02

  I, I mean, I don't have children, but- The elf started appearing two years ago, and let me tell you, whoever called him- Becca?

• 59:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. We bit off a little more than we could chew. Why? Like now, it's like a full-time job? So like, every night, it's supposed to do something creative, and like, Becca's very creative. She's very good at that stuff. She, she, the elf-

• 59:42Speaker 02

  Brought like little like trinkets and stuff so like she she but like she'll be in bed and and she'll be like oh my god I forgot the elf and I'll be like I got it and I go out there and I just stand there like this for twenty minutes

• 59:54Speaker 01

  And you don't know what to do.

• 59:55Speaker 02

  What do I do?

• 59:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  So every now and then I'll just like throw him in like a cereal box. And be like he's eating cereal that's crazy.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  You know? Oh my god and Becca will do one where he like made a slide out of toilet paper and mine he's just like hanging out at the front door.

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta have some balance because if they're all insane it's like what?

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  It's a lot dude, it's a lot. Creating a magic for your kids is really difficult. I don't consider myself a hero but if anyone decided to call me one.

• 1:00:28Speaker 01

  Anyone, anyone at all, anyone.

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  I've seen crazy ones on TikTok where it's like look at this elf taking a dump and I'm like what is this?

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, there there were ones that uh

• 1:00:39Speaker 01

  or it was on like a a wire or something.

• 1:00:42Speaker 02

  Becca did that one where he was ziplining through the house.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what it was.

• 1:00:45Speaker 02

  And um with like clothes pins. Uh there was another one that she did, oh she set up like a date night with a Barbie and the elf on the shelf.

• 1:00:58Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:59Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:01:00Speaker 00

  My mom would continuously move him every day closer to my little brother's room. And eventually when it got close enough he just started to cry every night because he didn't want because he he didn't want it to get any closer, yeah.

• 1:01:11Speaker 02

  I like that.

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  That's terrifying.

• 1:01:12Speaker 02

  Isn't there a rule like you can't look at it in the eyes or something?

• 1:01:16Speaker 02

  I think that's Medusa.

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, isn't there something though?

• 1:01:20Speaker 02

  Not that I know of.

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  You're not supposed to touch it.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, oh, oh.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  If you touch it.

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  That's what it is.

• 1:01:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, if you touch it it like loses its magic and it can't because the the idea is that every night it goes to report back to the North Pole and then comes back. And if you touch it it loses its

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:39Speaker 02

  magic but like there have been like accidents where like one of us has touched it and Miles is just like I heard if you put cinnamon on it it brings the magic back. So like I'll get home and there'll be just like a cinnamon freaking chalk outline of this elf on the shelf on the floor that fell on the floor like damn.

• 1:01:58Speaker 02

  My mom put a picture of my little, my youngest brother with it and said, "I love you," like Gio.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  That's terrifying.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, looking back, it was very scary, actually.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  You fucking better not. I'm watching you.

• 1:02:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:11Speaker 01

  I wrote a letter to Santa once when I was younger and my mom wrote me the letter back and she has like unbelievable handwriting. And it was from someone named Jingles, an elf named Jingles.

• 1:02:21Speaker 02

  Uh, duh.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  And I was like, "Oh my fucking god, bro." And then I wrote another letter to Jingles and the next letter my mom wrote was like, "Oh, I'm busy. I can't keep writing letters."

• 1:02:37Speaker 02

  Write enough!

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  She realized that like, "I'm just gonna penpal this fucking elf every day."

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  Your mom just totally just like fucking ghosted you as this fucking Jingles?

• 1:02:48Speaker 01

  As an elf, yeah.

• 1:02:49Speaker 02

  It's just like, "Hi, I'm, it's, it's me, Jingles. I love bringing you Christmas joy." "Oh my god, Jingles. I love you. Alright, take it the fuck easy."

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  It was literally like, the next letter was like, "Alright, I'm so busy at the factory, can't write back ever again. Be good."

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  Alright, listen, I got work tomorrow, so like, we'll talk in a couple days. I'll, I'll hit you up.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  I can't spend the night. I have work really early in the morning, so I'll, I'll call you.

• 1:03:13Speaker 02

  Listen, that was a really cool first date, but honestly, like, let's just wait to talk again.

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it was, it was basically like that.

• 1:03:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, we're, we're big into, you know, we're a big Santa house.

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  Yo, once, once, uh, one Christmas when I was very young, I was like, "I gotta know if this shit is real or not." So my parents put me to sleep and I just waited. And what I felt like was long enough that they would be like, if it was that, they'd be putting the presents there or whatever, you know? So then I woke up and I just sprinted down the stairs and my mom's just sitting on the couch. It was probably like forty minutes. Uh, mind you, like, I'm a child, so it was probably like eight forty-five. And she was just like, "What?" And I'm like, "Holy shit, it's real." Like, that's what did it for me.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  You want, I almost, so when it was just Miles, Becca and I, he was maybe three and a half at the time. They were out, like she had gone to pick him up and I was at our apartment and I was, you know, kinda getting something ready for Christmas. But they pulled up and, and she couldn't like buy time. So I like set the thing up really quick, but I was gonna like leave and make it look like I came back. So I just sprinkled powdered sugar on me and fell on the floor.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  And they were like, "What happened?" And I was just like, "What? I think Santa hit me with magic dust and put me to sleep." And to this day, to this day, he brings it up.

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  Wait, why did you do that again? I like couldn't, cause like the, I forgot the exact reasoning, but the idea was like, "Oh, I just need to make it look like, please don't clip this, because if this is how my child finds out, I'm gonna fucking let you take my pants off and shoot me in the pants." No, no, no, um, wait, so why did you do that originally? Just like, I didn't have time to like, get out of there or like make it look like it was like really like properly staged by Santa. So I was like, "Let me just..." Oh, cause they were coming home? Cause they were coming home, so I was just like, I sprinkled some on me and I fell to the ground. And I was like, you know, like cartoon sleeping. So when they opened the door, you were on the ground? Yeah. Did you tell Becca you were doing this?

• 1:05:31Speaker 02

  Afterwards, she was just like, quick thinking, or I might've told her like as they were pulling up, cause she was just like, "I can't find time anymore, he needs to get inside." And I was just like, "Alright, just go with the flow," or like, "I'm gonna be like pretend, you know, just leading her to the river." Yeah. And then he came in and I was just like, and he brings it up to this day, he's like, "Do you remember when Santa used sleep powder on you?" And I'm like, "I don't remember because I was asleep."

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  I would've never thought of that. Yeah, you get, dude, it's kinda fun how creative you get with these kids, like, you know? "Oh my gods, oh!" And they're so gullible, "My god, I'm gonna get creative with it." Dude, it almost brought me to tears the first time, cause like those first like two years, the kids don't really get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like last Christmas when Ruby like,

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  and fucking sprinted outside. Oh my- Sprinted outside? Yeah, like into the front yard. Why? Cause she heard jingle bells and saw a light moving in the sky and was like, "It's Santa." "What are you referring to?"

• 1:06:34Speaker 02

  Well, on Christmas Eve.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  Santa, we, the kids have to go to sleep because Santa's on his way. Yeah. We have the Santa tracker up. And when they're in bed and they're like getting ready to go to sleep. Oh, you have it like, oh, he's over Albany. No, you can hear the sleigh bells and you can hear, you know, ho, ho, ho, ho. Uh huh. He's here, you gotta get to sleep. You did that? Every year. That's awesome. Every year. Oh, you, they wait until they can hear him? How can they hear him? No, cuz I, what I.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  Is this you? Kids, go away! Is this you running around the house? So I'll either, so I used to run, so I, the way our setup used to be is I used to run outside. And I used to, with a big bell, do it myself. At, yo, as loud as you could be, I used to do it. It was like, fucking, yeah, of course. And then I would sneak back in and be like, I was in the bathroom, what happened? And now what I do is I put, at our old house, I put it in the attic. And then I did one year where it was outside, but I put a Bluetooth speaker. Oh. And I play, I'll be like standing in the doorway and I'll play it on my phone and it's like, ho, ho, ho, ho. Mary, and they're, yo, their face, if I could bottle that, if I could take a picture of their face. Their faces.

• 1:07:56Speaker 02

  Give it to whomever scientist could turn that into a drug, I would be the biggest coke head on the planet. Yeah. Because it is. Why, why the confusion? I thought you were gonna name it a different drug. He just went to coke, I was like, oh, he's like. It's not that he would do that drug, he's like, I would just do cocaine. That's what I'm saying, I would do that drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that was my cocaine. Wow. You're, you'll be there, both of you, one day.

• 1:08:21Speaker 02

  That's so fucking funny. If you guys choose and are lucky enough to have children. Are they, they, uh, they, um, so they hear it every year and then they run to bed? They're in bed already and then they run to the front and they look outside. And I'm like, guys, come on, quick, we gotta get inside. And they fucking run and stumble in bed, it's adorable. Damn, that's awesome. Love that. You are, you are a hero. That's great. He did it, I'll give it to you. He did it. I'll give it to you. You are one. Way to go. Thanks, buddy. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go, champ. Way to go, buddy. Good job, sport. Yeah, no, that's amazing. So back to what I was saying. You trying this liquid death water?

• 1:09:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would try it, let's get a case in here, can we get a case? Yo, hit up Liquid Death. Come on. Hit him up! Yo! Hit him up!

• 1:09:10Speaker 01

  Hit him up! Limp Bizkit. Did you notice, by the way, at the Hard Rock, they had in a glass case, one of his hats?

• 1:09:17Speaker 02

  No, did they?

• 1:09:18Speaker 01

  I was gonna send a picture of it.

• 1:09:18Speaker 02

  Damn, that would've been a sick thing to see.

• 1:09:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:21Speaker 02

  Put your hands up! They also had just like people's pajamas. Like, I left the elevator and it was like, "This is Elvis's pajamas and Frank Sinatra's pajamas." I'm like, "Why the pajamas?"

• 1:09:32Speaker 01

  I saw like Tommy Lee's shoes and Miley Cyrus's shirt.

• 1:09:35Speaker 02

  I saw Nicki Minaj's like...

• 1:09:37Speaker 01

  Butt?

• 1:09:39Speaker 02

  Boostier, or what's it called?

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  Corset?

• 1:09:41Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 1:09:44Speaker 02

  Uh, like, I think I saw, uh, like, what's his name? Kurt Cobain was in like a cheerleading costume.

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 1:09:50Speaker 02

  That was there.

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  I'm getting hungry.

• 1:09:55Speaker 01

  What was that transition?

• 1:09:57Speaker 02

  Cause like, cause where the, where that outfit was, right next to where the food was served.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  Kurt Cobain in a cheerleading costume? I am starving.

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  Well, there you have it, folks. Uh, we, we, we must go, uh...

• 1:10:12Speaker 02

  No, we mustn't.

• 1:10:13Speaker 01

  We must.

• 1:10:14Speaker 02

  Must?

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:15Speaker 02

  Must.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  Must. Must. Uh, but Frank, where can they find you?

• 1:10:20Speaker 02

  The Frank Albers all over social media. Go check out The Basement Yard out on Patreon. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. If you haven't and you wanna try to get tickets to any of our upcoming shows that are still available, go to TheBasementYard.com. Hollywood, Florida got some left, uh, Vegas, uh, there's some left, uh, scattered places. Go check it out at TheBasementYard.com. Thank you for all the love and support we've been getting. And, um, if you're coming to any of the shows, TheBasementYard.com slash submit.

• 1:10:45Speaker 01

  Yep, you guys can follow me at Joe Santagato. And, uh, go follow the show at The Basement Yard and everything, and that is all. See you guys next time.