The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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What's going on, everyone? Welcome to my apartment. Uh, do have an announcement before today's episode. We got invited to perform at Just for Laughs Festival. It's the largest comedy festival in the world, okay? So, we are going to be in Vancouver in February. On February 20th, we're gonna be performing at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre as part of the Just for Laughs Festival. Uh, we're super excited and honored that we got invited to this thing. Uh, like Jerry Seinfeld is performing three days later at the same place. It's crazy. Um, but you guys can get tickets to this. If you're in the Vancouver area, or if you wanna come to the show, um, just go to thebasementyard.com. Tickets will go on sale December 17th at 10 a.m. Pacific. Okay? So, pop out, come show love to your boas.
Um, but, February 20th, Queen Elizabeth Theatre in Vancouver. And, uh, yeah, tickets. December 17th, 10 a.m. See you there. Welcome back to the ba-
Welcome back to the Basement Yard.
Welcome back to the Basement Yard. Um, it is I, Frank Alvarez. Thanks for joining me on this adventure of laughs, love, and maybe a little bit of self-reflection.
Can I guess your favorite color?
Uh, no, uh-
Red. Red is what I was gonna say.
Yeah, bitch, well, guess what?
It's purple, I know, relax.
Guess what, bitch? It's Frank Alvarez. Here I am joined today by Monochrome Mikey. Sorry, One Tone Terry.
Oh, you wrote down a bunch of jokes?
Bland Brian, that's you today too, bitch. Or Carl the cream-looking cuck. That's you, bitch, you're cream head to toe. What the fuck is wrong? Stand up, show 'em the whole outfit. Show 'em the whole outfit. Show 'em.
Okay.
Show them.
I will, but-
No, no, no, no, no. Before-
Yeah. Look at this, nice sweater. The exact sa- Look, and then show 'em the shoes. Show 'em the shoes. Look, look at you. You'd be invisible in a blizzard. You fucking loser.
Frank, you-
Add some flair, add some pop, pizzazz.
Oh, how about my Bucky's football shirt?
Hell yeah!
How about my Bucky's football shirt?
It's a jersey, don't you dare disrespect jerseys, bitch.
Ew, I said football shirt.
You did say football shirt, because-
Frank, you're wearing one color too!
I am not, bitch, I'm wearing several colors. Three.
Oh.
Four.
Five? This is the day you choose to say a joke about me, and I look good.
You do look good.
I apologize.
This is, you know what this is?
Yeah.
This is me defending the fact that you can just sit there and wear one color. You can walk straight out of the paint aisle at fucking Lowe's and you can look passable.
And what do you look like?
I look great. I look like the everyman. I look like someone that people look at and they're like, "That's a bro that I'd like to have a beer with." You know what you look like? You look like you came straight out of a fucking Eyes Wide Shut party where people are fucking each other with giant dildos on their noses.
I don't know, have you seen the movie?
Uh, yeah.
I don't think you have.
A long time, a long time.
I don't think so.
Long, long time since I've seen that.
Well, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Are you wearing a watch at least that adds a little color?
It's not.
Ah.
I'm not.
No.
I said, "It's not."
It's not. So you're just committing to cream today. The cream commitment from Joey.
He's committing to cream all over his body.
And you're committing to red.
And black and white. Red, black, and white. A classic combination.
White, cream, and beige.
You're gonna tell me red and black isn't a great color combination?
In 8th grade. I used to think it was the coolest thing, like, "Oh, it's so cool."
What was your, like, do you remember on AIM how you could make it so like anytime you typed it was like the font color and then it was highlighted in a different color? Do you remember what yours was?
Oh, my god.
Do you remember what yours was?
Green and black, I think.
Oh, okay. You're gonna hate mine.
It was like alien-ish.
You're gonna hate mine.
Sure I will.
It was lime, lime green and red.
Lime green and red? Why? Cause you love the watermelon?
Because I was different, brother.
Oh, yeah, you were cool.
Because I was being so different, down to my font.
You know?
Uh-huh.
Uh, that's just the way it was.
That's just the way it is. Goodling, goodling, goodling. Things will never be the same.
That's a, that's a great song, man.
I see no changes. Wake up in the morning and I ask myself.
Is life worth it?
When it should I blast myself?
Well, there we go. Demonetization instantly.
But if you say blast yourself, I don't think that you get in trouble.
Yeah, un-aliving is good, blasting is good.
Blasting is even better, I would say.
I have to say.
Finger blasting, I think, might get you demonetized. Also a wild way to describe what you're doing.
I just have to say, blast is having the comeback year that like crap had last year. Finger blast, blast me in the face, you know.
You act like people are like saying that in abundance.
I have seen more blasting in the last year than I have in the previous thirty-one of my life.
I don't think.
Not like, I mean like on, I should probably, I mean in text or verbiage, not like in actual action, you know?
I was just gonna say something so weird and I don't know if I should say it now.
Go, go, go, go. Well, now you should.
It's gonna sound weird, but you know what I mean. Don't, don't, please don't throw me in a hole here, we're not saying it.
Listen, we're in this hole together if you're going down.
I was gonna say that I feel like the younger generation doesn't talk about.
Yeah, um, listen, I have no choice.
But you know how that was such a big deal for us when we were younger?
I know. I, I, I, you know what? We're in this together. We go down with the ship together, baby.
Hop on, baby.
Here we go, the SS Titanic that Berg just hit and we're swimming right now.
Yeah, that was the thing back in the day. It was, it was, it was, it was, yeah, I can't confirm nor deny. Actually, I'll go as far as I don't know how many people are talking about it now.
Yeah, me neither, maybe that's probably why. I'm just not tapped in.
I'm not tapped into the finger blasting community, you know?
I don't have the finger blasting, uh, statistics in front of me.
I, where do you think that term came from?
The blasting?
Yeah. Do you think someone was doing it and they were just like?
No, I don't think that. Not everything is Star Wars, Frank. It's time to grow up. Take the jersey off. Uh.
I can't believe it. You're, you're, you had the audacity to walk in here like the fucking poster boy for Williams and Sonoma and you're gonna make fun of me for my incredibly cool.
It's a cool company.
Incredibly cool jersey?
I like the jersey.
Yeah. What if we got a sponsorship by Buc-E's? What if we are the first podcast they sponsor? It wouldn't be us.
First of all, get Craig on the motherfucking horn. Cause that would be awesome.
Greg, if you have ever done work here, now is the time.
Now is the time.
Get on the horn and make something happen. Show me your value.
Family owned business, they might find.
Maybe they like us.
They might find us appealing when they find out that we went to four Buc-Ee's in a matter of 24 hours.
Disgusting amount.
We spent collectively probably $2,000.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
At a Buc-Ee's.
Yeah, we put, we paid for a car payment over there, someone.
We paid for one of their very well-paid employees to have lunch or something like that.
Hundred percent.
Because that's another thing. If you guys have been to a Buc-Ee's, look at that sign that tells you what they get paid. Good for them.
Yeah, they make bank.
Good for them. And, and I'll tell you, someone that worked in retail, they deserve every fucking penny of it because that is a hellhole of an industry.
It is. And especially around this time of the year.
Did you ever work, oh, I mean, did you ever work in retail to the point where you had to like fold clothes?
Yeah, so.
Really?
So, uh, just to give you, I, I can't speak for what the breakdown and like the fucking structural shit is now.
Good, because if you were gonna go through your resume, I was gonna walk out of here.
No, no, no, no, no. But the way that Target was organized when I was there is there was a, like the store manager, and then there was like the assistant managers, but the store manager was called like the store team lead. And then the people that were in my position were the executive team leaders. So like, it was just kind of like, you know, and we were, we had our like work, you know, like center, like what we were doing. Mine was asset protection, other was like guest experience, sales floor.
But you still had to fold.
But you kinda just had to do whatever the job required. So there were days where I spent 10 hours, without exaggeration, just folding t-shirts. And it was.
Are you good at it?
I'm a pretty good t-shirt folder. I don't mean to.
Yo, I don't know how, I still to this day, I'm not good at folding long sleeve t-shirts.
Long sleeves suck, but you have to fold the sleeves and then fold them up on themselves like a full Nelson.
Yeah, I just, I don't do that.
You wanna know how I fold them?
Uh, here we go, here we go, here we go.
So, I take how you would fold a t-shirt, right?
Here, uh, no, just go, just go, it doesn't matter.
Here!
Um, I just like, so this is a t- this is the thing with the long sleeves. I just fold the t-shirt in half, so now it's like-
And you fold the sleeve like, in itself?
And then I just-
That's fine, that's not bad.
Oh, that's cool?
I, I think so. I'm not, I mean, I am not the folding police.
That's true.
So-
I mean, you're usually the police for everything around here. What was the only one I meet for everything?
Someone needs to be. This is a lawless organization where people just run amok and make people get Brazilian waxes.
Okay, that was ten years ago!
Two, but who's counting?
Someone is.
My bungee's counting, I'll tell you that.
I bet you wish it was more slick than it is now.
I will bet you any amount of money that I'll never do that again in my entire life.
I mean-
But, uh, yeah, I think that's, that's a fine way to do it, but like, the way that I was taught was like, you hold it up, you fold the sides in-
Mmm.
And then you like, do a little flip on the bottom, and then a flip over the top.
Got it.
And then, you know, of course, when I was there, our store then decided to get like, the like, table-
Oh, you're like, tut, tut, tut, tut!
I wish, brother, because I might get one of those at home, fuck it.
I've gone down deep rabbit holes of watching Asian women fold clothes before.
What, there's those TikToks where it's just like, grab this, grab this, grab this, folded! And I'm just like, you're a wizard!
I'm literally watching that, and I'm like, yo, this is so crazy.
That's the closest we'll get to Hogwarts, is being able to fold shirts like that.
But it's like, eh, yeah, how, and I can't-
I don't know.
I can't understand it.
It's, it's, it's like, you know, like, contortionists and shit like that, like, they-
It's like they're like, oh, fuck.
And I'm like, how the fuck did you do that?
It doesn't make sense, and I'll, and I'll be honest, I'm a little pissed off about it, but, you know, what are you gonna do?
You ever watch on Netflix, there's that woman who like, comes into your house and like, organizes this shit?
I've never watched it, but if I hear one more thing about the- it was the Asian woman, right?
Yeah!
We're on to you, okay?
Organization and folding.
And math.
Yeah, um, uh-oh.
And, and tech innovation.
Yeah, but, I'm just saying like-
And squid.
Everyone, there was a, like, an eight?
There was like an eight month period where all I heard about was that shit.
And it was just like, fucking enough.
I like it.
People were just like, walk into a closet, touch a shirt, if you don't feel anything, throw it out. And I was like...
Oh, it was like energy?
Yeah, it was like...
Oh, I didn't see that.
Oh, yeah, that was a big one.
No, no, no.
That was a big one.
I feel nothing when I hold every piece of clothing, because it's clothing.
It's clothing, exactly.
I'm not like, mm, mom.
But see, I am the opposite end, where I'll, I'll see it and I'll be like, I wore this the first day of ninth grade, and I remember that was the day that Paulette said that she might have a crush on me.
Yeah, and, yo, you, uh, would be that woman's worst nightmare.
I would.
I would be like, you know, like those...
Could you, Frank, oh my god, do you think if we sent someone into your house to throw out like, 10% of your stuff, that you would make it out alive?
No. I would be like, you ever see that little like, that little like, southern fat kid that was like pissed that the woman came in to get rid of all like, the bacon in his house?
Yeah, yeah.
On that show where he's just like, alright, get this woman out of here?
I would be, I would be very upset. And it wouldn't make for a good video, because...
Oh, it would.
I know it would. It would not.
Oh, my god, dude, that would be so funny.
But see now...
You're like, like, in hoarders, when they're like...
Stop that. Stop that bitch!
No, you're not as bad as them, obviously. There was a woman, though, that I saw who was...
Obvious.
Hoarding...
Shit.
Feces.
Feces?
I think that's the multiple of feces. One is a feces, several is feces.
Fecy.
Not to be confused with fetuses, there was none of those there.
Uh, that you know of.
No one's having sex with a woman who's hoarding shit in her house. Human shit.
You would be surprised.
I would be shocked. Uh, but she had all this shit, and then the guy's like, yo, we gotta, and she's like, stop!
Yeah, that's a, that's an obvious mental health issue. I, mine is not tied to any confirmed cases of mental health, but I just, I feel like a deep... I feel like a deep sense of connection to things that I have, because I have a very vivid memory. I'll be honest with you. Recently, I've gone through and gotten rid of a lot of stuff, because...
Not because of me.
I have just, no.
Thank god.
Nothing I do is because of you.
God, okay.
I've just like, put myself in a position where I am like my, I forget some of the stuff where like, I, I like recently remembered a story and it was like, I almost forgot that forever. We've been watching a lot of Inside Out and it's been fucking me up mentally. You haven't watched it?
You don't?
I've seen that scene and I like I-
The bing bong, right?
Yeah, don't, uh, we're talking to the character, not the obvious relation to a flaccid thing that we have spoken about before.
Oh, oh.
Pretty sure on our show, we've called-
I don't think anyone was making that connection.
I'm pretty sure on our show, we've called a penis a bing bong before.
We've called it everything.
Yeah, well, uh, but
I, I have gotten, I've been getting better at it.
I also live with someone who's the polar opposite, who will just-
Wants to throw everything out?
Not everything, but like, she's pretty good at getting rid of things.
I like getting rid of stuff.
I, I, I-
Don't you like new stuff?
I do like new stuff, but you know what's even better than new stuff? New stuff on top of you already having this also cool stuff, you know?
Old stuff?
Yeah. Well, you say old, I say storied. That's the way that I-
Storyed?
That's the way I approach it.
That's a cute way of putting it.
Well, seasoned.
Right.
You know, think of-
Well, when you're talking about underwear and then you're saying seasoned, it's disgusting.
Because I have a better connection to the earth and, uh, you know, just a sense of spirituality than-
Technically, because you're not littering, because you're not throwing out your old underwear.
I think like I-
You have 25 year old underwear, you know that?
No, I have 20 year old underwear.
It's not gotten to 25 yet.
Shout out to whoever made that, by the way, holding up, like, holding up for 20 years.
No, no, no, it is not, it is tattered.
Does it go in your body? You wear it?
No, no, no, no, no, it is in storage.
You keep this underwear and you don't wear it?
Yeah, of course.
Is it framed?
It, it is, it is in storage at the moment, it is tattered. Uh, it has gotten to a point where the elastic is like, if I pull it, it will turn into dust.
So, um, you know?
That's insane, dude.
Well, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
Throw it out.
Speaking of insane.
I, God, thank God, I've remembered to show you this. There was a guy that tweeted at us. I am firmly assuming gender here, uh, but Luke Schultz. Shout out to our friend on Twitter, X, I don't care. Uh, but he's like, alright, we talked about AI recently.
Uh huh.
And he's like, yo, I was fucking around with AI one day and I asked them to make- A script and audio for you guys for your show and it...
Oh, like an AI version of our show?
An AI version of our show. It is like 90 seconds long, so it is not long at all. But it is, and I listened to it. Joey has not seen it yet.
Please.
It is, I texted him saying, "Don't check your Twitter mentions," and he said, "I don't anyways." So, I need to play this for you. 90 seconds, it's us. It is a fucking whirlwind.
Does it sound like us?
Honestly? Kind of.
That's freaky.
But like, you can hear it and you hear like something is off.
Like the un- you know, it's just weird, so.
This is not, this is like our actual intro.
Welcome back to The Basement Yard, the podcast where we sit in a basement and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Today, I'm joined by my co-host Frankie.
What's up, Joe?
What the hell are you doing?
What do you mean?
You look like you just escaped from a mental institution.
Hey!
So, that's us, that's opening.
Already accurate.
Oh, very accurate.
What are you doing? Just fighting off the bat?
You're immediately offending me. And like, it's scary, it sounds like us, right?
I love that it's AI saying like, "This is a show about us in a basement," but I probably wrote that on like a bio somewhere.
That was probably the very first episode where it was just like, "A show where we like, just like basement chats." Which could be like, very strange, but, uh, yeah, so you immediately start off making fun of me.
Right. Which is what you did today.
Uh, yeah, we, well, we, we exchanged blows here.
We exchanged?
We exchanged.
We blow each other?
We blow each other.
We exchanged blows, we're blowing each other.
We're blowing each other.
So you, one day you're blowing at me, I'm blowing you. It's a good old, a blow fest.
Sometimes we blow at each other at the same time and it gets caught in the middle.
And we get, there's, yeah, there's like that, like, like thing in the middle where like Voldemort and Harry Potter are squaring off. We're just exchanging blows and it's just like melting in between us.
Comic book Frank taking it to the next level, here we go.
Not a comic book bitch.
You look like you just escaped from a mental institution. Hey, that's not a nice thing to say. I'm sorry, but it's true. You know what, Joe? Our fathers don't love us.
What?
Hey, man, that's not nice. You know what? Our fathers don't love us.
I mean, the immediate pivot. I think maybe AI. If I'm putting myself in the brain of this wildly intellectual algorithm. Artificial intelligence. I think, I think. What are you thinking? Let's think right here. Think hard. I'm doing three fingers for thinking. Let's do a think. I'm doing three fingers for thinking. Okay. I think that it is connecting our ability to blow each other, go back and forth, with our lack of love from our fathers. Maybe it's just drawn to maybe that we're so defensive and like to make fun of each other because we saw love as being made fun of from our fathers. Which is not accurate, if we're being honest.
Our fathers love us.
Our fathers love.
We just like to make that joke.
It took a while, yeah.
Yeah, so like, maybe it's connecting those two things.
Hmm.
And it's just saying like, you know, maybe, I don't know.
I don't know how, that was a wild segue, I will say that.
Not that we're good at segues, but like, that was pretty bad.
We're not good at segues. AI is not, definitely not good.
It's capturing how bad we are at segues.
Maybe that's what it is.
Yeah, alright, here we go.
I'm talking about the fact that we grew up with divorced parents who had strong opinions about everything. We grew up in Astoria, and we, and let's just say it wasn't the best experience. That, first of all.
It was the best experience.
It was the greatest place on the planet.
I love Astoria.
AI, correct yourself.
I'm not gonna say bitch, because I don't want them to.
We don't know, we don't know.
We don't know yet.
Yeah, we've seen iRobot.
We've seen iRobot. And Terminator.
And maybe we just.
Oh, wow, didn't even think about Terminator.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe you should probably.
Well, that's like, physical intelligence, that's like, it's not artificial.
Well, it starts in one place, it kind of moves to the other, you know, I mean, what, what, you know, what's the difference? But, uh, we did grow up with parents that had very strong opinions on things.
Sure.
But that has just created us that have strong opinions on things.
Which is not bad, right? What was the end part of that?
And then it was just like-
Oh, we grew up in Astoria.
We grew up in Astoria, which was like-
Not the best of-
Not the best experience.
I had a great time.
The greatest time.
Yeah, I had a good time.
I-
It's not a bad neighborhood.
I mean, I don't know what it is now, because I haven't lived there.
I feel like it's way safer now, and i- i- than it was then, it was safe then.
I mean, it was great, it's, it's, Astoria is if we-
I actually don't know if any of that's true.
Yeah, and that's why you're sitting there making like, you know, fucking-
It just, I- I'm going off a feel.
You are, and honestly, I would much prefer a world that goes off feel than actual crime statistics.
Right, well-
Yeah, that's what you did, bitch.
Uh, so, greatest place on the planet to grow up. We had the greatest childhood. I will, I will, I will ride that until I am dead.
Hmm. Ride it.
Which isn't, um, okay.
Alright.
Yeah, Astoria was a crap hole, but we made it out of there, and now we're living in the greatest city in the world, New York City, but-
AI! Hey bitch! Fuck, I did it!
Bitch! Astoria is in New York City.
Crap hole, yeah, it is.
And also, not a crap hole.
Also crap hole.
Maybe AI didn't want to curse for us.
Because normally, when you insult me, I don't say, "That's not very nice," I say, "Go fuck yourself."
Right, you say something of that effect.
Uh-
Crap hole.
And now we live in the greatest city in the world, New York City.
Same place.
Yeah, yeah, one of New York City's little, smaller towns.
A lot of people don't know that.
Let's keep going.
Put it in front of the mic.
Sorry, did I, should I do the whole fucking thing again, bitch?
There's still one big fat problem. What's that? Um, 9/11.
I'm just joking, man.
This AI is good! Knows us pretty well, dude.
There's still one big fat problem.
Big fat problem, 9/11. Also, big fat problem.
Big fat problem is a, that's a, that's a goodie. That's a good one that I think we have-
Big fat problem, 9/11.
We have coined that.
We coined, we have a coin.
We have a coin now.
We have a coin.
We are the, the originators of big fat problem, just like The Rock is the originator of SmackDown, uh, what a-
I don't-
Who else made words?
It hit all.
Yeah, there's still one big problem.
One big fat problem.
And why did I go, uh, nine eleven? Why was I wasn't sure?
This is awesome, dude. Yeah, I will say. That is a big problem. I would, I would say it's still a big problem.
We are saying.
Still to this day feeling the effects of it. That is true.
You know, so.
Honestly, AI is kind of not missed yet.
Nevermind.
No, no, no, go ahead.
No, I wasn't, I was gonna say, I wasn't gonna say anything interesting.
You weren't gonna say anything interesting?
I could've told you that.
I, I keep rewinding a little bit.
It's okay.
What's that? Um, nine eleven?
Oh, come on, Joe, that's not funny. I'm just joking, man, the NYPD can handle it.
The NYPD can handle it?
You know, the famously thick-skinned police department in the city of New York?
I'm just kidding, man, the NYPD can handle it? Why am I?
The NYPD diddly?
Yeah, what did I say just now? P diddly?
That is so fucking funny because why, like, can they, can they handle, like?
Not only that, but where is AI going that that's what you come up with?
Yeah, like, they can handle, they could take the joke. And I like that they have put me as the moral high ground of the show.
That is consistent.
That's what that means.
Yeah, like, they can take a joke.
I thought it was like the NYPD can handle nine eleven.
Uh, I mean, they did, they, I mean, in addition to the FDNY, Port of Liberty and other, you know.
Yeah, everyone.
Neighboring, you know, places and offices, but like.
I didn't know it was the joke that it was referring to.
They, it was saying like, I was like, oh, that's not nice. And you're like, they can handle it.
Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll be honest with you.
It's mad funny.
If anyone were to hear our nine eleven jokes, I don't think the NYPD, it's not like we're making jokes about nine eleven. But like, I don't think they would handle it.
I'll do you one better. I know the FDNY won't because they're. There is one that I have made nine eleven jokes to and he's not happy about it.
He's not, yeah, no, no, I can imagine he's not pumped about it.
Dude, he saw a clip where we made a nine eleven joke and he did not like it.
Oh shit.
Swear to god.
What did he say?
He was just like, "It's not funny."
I mean, it is not funny.
We know it's not.
But what we, for, just, let's clear the air real quick.
Uh, we're not making jokes about it happening. We're making, we're, people use it as like the soapbox to stand on, like, "Oh yeah? You think there's a, there's a current war and this and these people and they're treated bad? What about nine eleven?" And it's just like, "Yes, that was bad." Like, they use it as like a red herring. Just like, kind of draw attention away.
I mean, I don't know. I also told my dad to like, I'm like, "Dad, come on."
You've made worse jokes. Yeah, yeah, I've heard some jokes.
Yeah, like, come on.
I've heard some jokes your dad has made.
It's fine.
Yeah. I remember, I was one time in, like, your dad had drove me home and it was on the, on the car clock. It was nine eleven. And I saw it and I did the sign of the cross. Like, that was something I, no, but that was something I legitimately did for years afterward. And your dad stopped the car and would not let me out to talk to me. Like, he talked to me for like thirty minutes.
About nine eleven?
Just like, you know, like, that's, oh, you know, you know how your dad, your dad not only is so passionate, but he's just blown away by viewing small acts of compassion in other people.
He's a very soft and compassionate guy. So when you do something like that, he's like, "Oh."
Your dad is like the ultimate, like, SNL years ago did a sketch, which I thought was so funny, where it was like, NYPD officers like giving a speech at like their daughter's birthday. And it was just like, "You know, I'm rough and tough, but like, don't get me in touch," you know?
He's that.
And he is that to a T. The guy, for lack of better, maybe even literal ways, has sandpaper thick skin.
But the minute you crack something that makes him emotional.
It's a rap.
He's, he's a very emotional guy. And like, "God, it's just, it's so nice."
It, like, he calls me and tells me that.
He's so like, he is so like, on a human level, like, amazed at compassion.
Like, "Can you believe they held the door open for me?" Like, yeah, that's a pretty standard thing to do. But like, it's, it's just.
Just nice. That's what he'll say.
My dad, on the other hand, skin level understanding. Dad, they, they held the door open for you. Yeah. Okay. You know, you know, just like, okay.
You talk to him about like building a chair that'll light up like a Christmas tree.
Yeah, the moment you talk about like lathers and like, you know, fucking pipe fitters, the guy will cry you a river.
What are those chairs called that are like?
Adirondack?
Yeah, Adirondack chairs.
He called me. You put a, you wanna put a fridge in it?
What, he put a cooler in everything?
A cooler in everything.
Everything.
I remember I was in college and he would call me three times a week to tell me about when he would build Adirondack chairs.
He loves them.
And what was the most annoying is that he would call them Adirondack. And I'm like, you know that that's wrong, Dad.
Adirondack.
The Adirondack chairs, what you gotta do is, I can make it for you. I was like, Dad, please stop.
When I, when Twitter was like a popular thing, my dad would, would be like, twat that. I'd be like, you know it's not called that. Like, you know it's not called that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah. Remind me, I gotta tell you a funny joke about my dad in social media.
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Here we go.
Adirondack chairs, by the way, love them.
Yeah, they're okay.
I like them.
What's that? Um, 9/11. Oh, come on, Joe, that's not funny. I'm just joking, man, the NYPD can handle it. Yeah, they got this. But seriously, I've got something to share with you guys. I've invented an everything bagel hot sauce. That's great, Joe, what's next? Uh. I don't know. Maybe you can pitch me some ideas for a new product we can invent and sell. How about a hat that doubles as a toaster? That's ridiculous. What about a pair of shoes that can clean the toilet? You're insane.
So, oh, so the AI is picking up on how you have bad ideas?
Yep. I have no defense there.
Is there mics in here?
Yes, there are. They're in front of our faces, Joey.
I meant secret mics, secret little mics.
They also just absolutely picked up on the fact that you're a shill for anything you make.
You're a shill for anything you make. It's just like I made-
I don't know what a shill is. I know shillings.
Well, when you're shill for something, you're just like a, like a, just, you will just put out for it, basically.
So you're a shill for your hot sauce, uh, which
you posted on social media, the new hot sauce.
Didn't tell you fire.
I know, I'm not saying the flavor, baby, don't worry. I, I, I'm a big secret guy over here, don't worry about it.
You know me, BSG.
Big secret guy.
BSG, BSG Frank. As someone that has not only tried it, but bought several bottles of it, very good. Congratulations. You guys, uh, take a victory lap, bitch.
Okay, I can't.
As soon as I started, I was like, I'm here and I gotta keep going and I hated it the whole time.
So, yeah, so then it, it went into my call me, call me crazy shoes that can clean a toilet.
That's a good idea.
Don't sound like a bad idea.
That should exist.
If it doesn't already.
It's easier to get your foot in a toilet.
You don't wanna get your hand into a toilet, so you just shove your toes into it.
You could just get like a thing.
They make-
A scrubber's better.
Yeah, but even those, those things are fucking just caves of bacteria.
Yeah, I don't, but I don't, like, when people have, like, blue water, I hate that.
Oh, why?
Cause it reminds me of, like, my aunt's house or something.
Gotcha. Which, what happened there, Joey?
Nothing, I just like-
Okay?
Yeah, I just-
You have anything to tell the, the room?
No, I just, it's just like, I don't know, it's just like whack. Like, I'd rather have white water, like, clear water.
The bowl is white! You, uh, wear that outfit, Joey, you gotta be really careful. Alright, let me finish this.
There's no hood on this?
Yeah, I know, we cut it off. Uh, let's get to, let's finish this so we can get to the ad. Frankie, I know, but that's why you love me. Speaking of love, do you remember that time when you tried to gaslight me into believing that I said something very, very offensive about African Americans and the Jews? Oh, man.
You're fucking... Oh, are you kidding me?
I'm gonna throw up.
It's right though.
It is right, but I don't think I've ever gaslit you into saying something bad about...
I mean, probably.
Probably. I just said we cut off your hood, you white bastard.
Yeah, exactly.
Fucker.
That's crazy.
That's insane.
That's wild. They have picked up on what I think makes, you know, certain things that people like seeing, you know?
What is with the inflections? There was one point where I went, "I don't know."
I think that's just a weird AI thing that like, they can't... Like, there's just certain parts of like, human speech that you can't replicate.
I guess, like, and the Jews?
Yeah, and it's like...
What is that?
And it's just like, "Heck, Joe, that's nice." You know, like, it's just, it's working the kinks out.
It's like the voice version of like, when AI has like, an extra finger? You ever see those pictures?
Ah, yeah.
It's gross.
Or those ones that I, that I know you love, where it's just like, the animals and like, the Chernobyl sewers and stuff like that?
Ew, dude, I hate that shit.
You want me to show you another one?
No, I don't.
I saw one the other day that might haunt you legitimately to the day you die.
I will close my eyes and glue them shut.
It was a giant spider with a dog's mouth.
What the fuck?
Okay, I think I'm...
Hey Frank, don't even attempt to show me that. Cause I'm not gonna look.
That's it for today's episode of the...
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Oh, we ended it with that.
Luke, what?
Good stuff.
Gotta say.
Crazy. I mean, listen, if more people do this...
Please don't.
Maybe don't, but like, maybe we'll look at them. Maybe they're good, maybe they're funny.
I mean, it would be interesting to see, like, what AI comes up with, but that's, that's terrifying.
I mean, it's gonna be hard. They just set a, a real clear benchmark. That was pretty good, so, go ahead. Speaking of...
We had 9/11 and gaslighting in it, I mean.
And our dads not loving us, and divorced parents. Those are the three pillars.
Of...
Now I just feel like a hack.
You know, cause buildings were famous...
Like, every episode is about those things.
Buildings were famously made with three pillars. What's the fourth pillar of our episodes? Gas, me gaslighting you into trying to convince the world that you're...
A horrible person.
Uh, fathers...
Fathers not loving us, divorced parents, 9/11.
Yeah, I guess those four, those four things, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe there's a, there's a, like...
Famously, buildings were built with four pillars.
But, what do I know?
Anyway, we do have some ads for today.
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And I've been in therapy for years. I think that therapy is very important and everyone should be in it at some point in their life, if not all the time. So yeah, I think that it's very helpful, especially in ways that you don't even really know. Like even if you feel like, "I'm good. I don't really have anything. I'm pretty happy and blah, blah, blah." Like it's good. Just starting there is a good starting point and you can kind of probably unlock some stuff. It's very helpful. It feels like organizing your life. It's nice. So if you want to get started with BetterHelp, you can go to betterhelp.com/basementyard and you will get 10% off of your first month. Okay? So that is betterhelp.com/basementyard to get 10% off of that first month. All right? Enjoy.
And while you're taking that self-love, self-help journey, why don't you do me a favor? And go to patreon.com and take a journey with us, a journey into more of us, baby. I don't mean to assimilate both things to being the same, but you never know. Maybe you need some more time to smile, happy, all that stuff. So go to patreon.com/thebasementyard where we continue to tell you guys and thank you guys for all the love and support. You signed up today and that first tier, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. And that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start and end your week with The Basement Yard. You guys have continued to support us and help us grow. And you know, I know this is something Joe has spoken about on our Patreon episodes, but we're currently in transition into a new studio and it's because of people like you that have helped and supported us.
Also, if you're looking for a last-minute gift for the Basement Yard fan in your life or someone that you want to get into the show or said, "Hey, I've been wanting to get into a show", Patreon is a great, great, great holiday gift idea. So check it out. Patreon.com/thebasementyard. Thank you guys so much. We appreciate you. We love you. And we're really excited for 2025. Speaking of the new studio. I have to thank you for the carte blanche that you have given me to really just build out the studio to be, you know.
I'm gonna stop you there. One, I don't know what carte blanche means. Two, no, whatever you're saying, I haven't done that.
Yes, you have. You said, you-
Carte blanche.
You said.
What language is that? Latin?
Come on, Joey. It's French. Look it up if you don't understand it.
You don't know, don't you?
Look up carte blanche, dude.
You don't know.
Joey, I know what it means. Look it up.
Look up carte blanche, Joey.
No. I know Cate Blanchett.
She is, so she is a descendant of Mr. Carte Blanche?
You must think so low of me that I would believe that.
No, I think high of you that you're gonna check that and-
And, you know, teach yourself. Um, but I had a conversation with Greg and he told me that you said that I'm good to, like, build out a tee section in the new studio.
That never happened.
Yeah, it did.
Tee section?
Yeah, like a whole section of like, now you will be able to enjoy quality teas in the new studio.
Are you gonna get a really cool teapot?
Uh, I'm gonna, again, carte blanche. So, I'm gonna get everything from the bottom up. I'm talking quality teas, good tea, you know, a nice little tea table, some cups.
You can do whatever you want. I just don't know, you know, I think it's gonna have a really tough time getting expense.
No, no, no, no.
I think that's gonna be tough.
Well, Greg gave me the number for the credit card. I'll read it here if you want.
Yeah, go ahead, read it.
But like, I appreciate it. I appreciate you allowing us, your, as you have referred to us as your underlings, to really take-
I never said that.
Sorry, I mean, I can't say the exact word that you used for us.
Oh, here we go, yeah, okay.
Uh, but take ownership in the space that we are using to create because we want to feel at home in this space.
So, you're gonna bring a bunch of oolongs?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm gonna buy a bunch of oolongs.
On your dime.
On our dime because we are in this together.
Can't reach there.
Come on.
But it doesn't feel like that with what you're saying.
I think, I think, I, I think it does feel like that.
Doesn't he think that?
I think there have been some great ideas for the studio that you have done nothing but shoot down.
Bro, Greg has, and this is not a joke, Greg has had-
Maybe the worst ideas he's ever come up with when it comes to the studio.
I don't think that's true.
And both of you have ran away with this idea where like suddenly they forgot that we have a job. And it's like, we could do this, this, and this. I'm like, there will be no room left. If you want to make this a fucking, Greg has pitched a basketball hoop eight different ways. And one of them legitimately, he was like, he's like, dude, you're probably gonna say no, so like, for whatever.
But he's trying.
He was hitting me with the Keith. He's like, you probably won't like this, but like, here.
Oh man, that's the Keith move of all Keith moves.
Yeah, he's like, no, you probably won't like it. You're probably gonna say no.
You're probably gonna think it's the dumbest thing you've ever heard.
I was like, Greg, I'm going to say no, but tell me. And he's like, that room in the back there, like, if we just put down like hardwood and a basketball hoop. I was like,
I think it's a great idea.
Good. You guys could fucking do it.
So,
We're not putting, no, we're not doing that.
It's a, it's a big room. And they want to put a half court there.
I think that, Hardwood! What do we need that for? As someone like you who consistently reads books about different business and setups and stuff like that, I think you have to acknowledge that the approach to business sizz nowadays have been more playful. And they engage in, you know, Feng Shui's that promote more of a placement for creativity. So, for instance, when I worked as an electrician for a couple of years, uh, I, one of the, one of the sites I was at was the LinkedIn headquarters. And this is serious, in Manhattan. I don't know if it still uses the LinkedIn headquarters, but they had a whole room.
Hold on, hold on. They have a whole room of like, Arcade games and like, you know, like, just like fun, fun creative spaces.
Fun, fun, yeah. Like fun startups that now they have like the ping pong table. There's a beer tap so I'm gonna get drunk during the day and it's so cool. Ninety percent of startups fail. Ninety. Ninety percent.
Well, I don't, I don't even consider what we're doing a startup, Joey.
Ninety is low. I thought it'd be higher.
I think that we are a well-seasoned, storied.
We are seasoned.
We are seasoned well and I know.
Seasoned well.
The step, you know, adding in people like myself, Ahmed, uh, I've allowed the seasoning to be just more diverse.
Seasoned. You guys are the seasoning.
Because I think you would admit that you and Greg are more of a salt and pepper.
And, and, and the addition of myself, Ahmed, we add a little more. Speaking of the devil, he just walked by the window.
POCs.
Yes, we add.
Pox.
We add, that's what you've referred to as a pox on the industry.
What does that mean?
You've never heard that saying?
A pox on the industry is just like, the, the death of the industry or something like that.
Is it really?
Yeah, you've never heard of that?
Wait, is that like, short for, like?
People of color, they just call POCs.
They call, pox is like small pox, large pox.
Whatever's in between, monkey pox.
I don't think that large pox is a thing.
Dog pox.
Dog pox also isn't a thing. Dolphin pox?
Dolphin pox?
No, I made that up.
Oh, I was gonna, how many poxes are there? Chicken.
I know pockies, those are good.
Love pockies.
I love pockies.
Love.
Underrated.
You remember who used to have those, right?
Also Asian.
And you remember who used to have those all the time?
Tiffany Nguyen.
That's our girl. I haven't spoken to her in 21 years, but what's up Tiffany?
We've talked about Tiffany, mad times on this show.
We have talked about Tiffany.
When?
We committed, we already committed.
We're here, we're here.
Like, a lot.
And we just want her to know, we haven't spoken to her in 21 years.
But she's made an impact.
She is a member of the basement yard lore at this point in time.
She is, yeah.
And.
She had all the pencils.
We hope she's well.
She did not share them.
We hope, first of all, hope she's alive. Could you imagine if she's like?
Jesus.
If she has left us? That'd be heartbreaking.
Left us.
If she left us?
We wish you well.
Do you think anyone from our fifth grade graduation class?
I could name one person with a certainty that has.
Has passed away?
Yes.
Well, yeah, our friend in fourth grade.
No, fifth grade.
Who? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know one.
That's sad.
Yeah, that's really sad.
I don't think anyone else, though.
I, I hope, I hope everyone's thriving.
Thriving.
Doing well.
Getting by.
Do they, I wonder if they even realize, like...
Or if they hate it.
They're like, if they, oh, yeah, they're just like, please shut the fuck up about us.
Shut these two fucking idiots up.
I will say this, we are due for a, like, return to our elementary school, walk the halls.
Nobody knows us there anymore, Frank.
That's not true. Oh, probably true, actually.
My mom's not there. Actually, there's like three women in the office that probably know us.
Probably.
Who's still there? First and last, baby, first and last.
I mean, I don't know first and last. Ms. Argie is there.
Uh, I think Ms. Watkins is still there.
Hey! I loved her.
I'm not her.
I loved her.
Uh, yeah, she's awesome. Um, I think, uh, Ms. Y is there.
Were you smart, smart, smart not saying her name? Smart not saying her name?
Dormis is there.
There's the one that we said, don't, the name of the one that we said, don't say.
She came to our Ready City show, said hi to her.
She did, yeah.
She told me I looked like a porn star.
Um, strange thing to hear from your fourth grade teacher.
She's like, you look like a porn star. I was like, that's exactly what I was going for. I was not going for that. I didn't know what else to say in that moment.
Listen, just to kind of revert back, Greg is not listening to this, but he will probably get a clip of this or tagged in something.
Greg, I support you. I understand that you have a thriving business acumen that is trying to push the status quo forward and with synergy and understanding...
It's not how you synergy.
You know, understanding that a happy atmosphere creates a thriving atmosphere.
Greg is just trying to do best by us.
Greg also was like, we should get a sauna.
What a great idea.
There isn't a shower, and also I'm not getting a sauna.
I mean, uh, maybe, pu- pu- pu- a couple of pipes.
You want me to put a, a couple of wipes?
Pipes, pipes.
Oh, pipes.
You could do an electric sauna.
No, I'm not, I'm not allowed legally to not put a shower in there.
Electric sauna?
Oh. Frank, I'm not worried about that. You can, the sauna would run on infrared regardless.
No, you could do a steam one, or you could do an electric one.
That would be a steam room.
Yeah, no, there are steam-powered, hot water-powered saunas, and there's electric ones.
Whatever. The point is, you'd be sweating.
I love that.
And then no shower. That's my point.
I mean, sometimes, Joe, in business, you need to get a little dirty.
You don't have to use a sauna to go record a podcast.
How many of our ideas do you think would've just gotten better if they were discussed in a sauna?
Zero.
You sure about that?
A lot of the things that I think about in my life happen when I'm in a steam room or sauna.
It's a breeding ground for ingenuity, synergy.
We're not getting a sauna.
That's not happening.
There was the basketball hoop, there was air hockey table.
That's a good one, too.
I do like air hockey, but like, no one's gonna use it.
I said we should get those like, tables that it's like half a pool table, and then it's a ping pong table, and then it's a shuffleboard table. Like, it's just a bunch of tables.
But like, when is anyone gonna do this?
You never know, Joey.
You do know, though.
You never know.
I feel like everyone who owns a pool table, or any of those types of tables, they used it for like, the first month that they had it, and they never touched it again.
Speak for yourself, bitch.
No, I'm speaking from experience.
When did you own a pool table?
I had a pool.
Not a pool table, Joey.
I mean, it's still...
As someone that lived in a building that had a pool table readily accessible, I had the time of my life. I used it all the time. Several times a week.
What, where? Did you wear?
My first year college residence hall, and my second year, and then my fifth year.
Frank, you were 18 years old!
And 19.
And you had to congregate somewhere.
And 21, Joey.
And I would play pool a lot.
Did you have one of those gloves?
I didn't have one of those gloves.
I was gonna say, may have prevented you from intermingling with the women, Frank.
You guys see my glove? I did well for myself, bitch.
Oh man, um, anyway, uh, I wanna talk about a dream that I had.
Back, Dream, Dream Joe is back.
Yeah, Dream Joe's back. This one wasn't a cool one?
We should have a cool like, like, song way of like, doing this.
Like a segment?
Like introducing a segment.
Dream Joe's back?
Dream Joe's back, but it should be the song, Dream Weaver.
Dream Weaver. I don't know that song. What's that song? Dream, dream, dream.
It was from like the sixties where all the songs were about like screwing underage people and like, they were dude.
Were they?
Go listen to.
Dancing Queen was seventeen.
That was in the seventies. Go listen to like Chuck Berry and it's just like, I love you, you're so beautiful, my sweet sixteen year old. Yeah dude, it is weird.
Ew Chuck. Fucking Chuck.
It is, there is a lot of like, it's like, she's the girl of my dreams and I wanna sing to her and take her out for a milkshake and a, egg cream and she's fourteen years old. And it's just like, hey Bobby Darin, cut it the fuck out. Yo, an egg cream is disgusting. I've never had one of you.
My mom likes them and I wanted to slap it out of her hand.
Good thing with, good thing you went with out of that hand, not slap your mother.
I would never slap my mother, you kidding me?
Okay, well, good, good.
I'd put a stick in my eye before I would do that. Um, but I had a dream. Dream, dream, dream. We're past the intro.
Alright, okay.
Uh, but it was a crazy.
Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree?
But I had a dream that I was at a restaurant and there was this weird waiter there. And, I'm not gonna lie.
Who was the waiter?
That's not true.
Do you think I'm lying?
No, but, your brain is incapable of making new faces, so like, whoever the waiter is, is someone whose face you've seen. Are you guys, are you guys ready? This is what it was like being with, friends with Frankie. You heard that one day, didn't look it up.
No, I have looked it up, I have looked it up.
Is it true?
Yeah, I, I, all.
I've also heard that, but I don't, I don't know.
Who are you attacking then?
Because I don't know it to be true.
You're sitting over there like you're Bobby Dreams.
No, I, I have, I have, I have looked into it more to the point I have confidence that it is true.
Whatever.
Trust the guy in a Buc-Ee's jersey.
You can't.
Yeah, but you can't like, I've heard it too. You can't create a face in a dream. It has to be a face you've seen before. But it could have been a face that you've seen in passing. That's what I've heard.
That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying like it's someone in your life that like you remember.
But I literally, you asked me who it is. I'm like, I don't know. You said, that's not true. I was like, I don't know.
But it was this very blonde guy, like he had like platinum blonde hair, right?
And he was weird looking.
So you're having dreams about Aryans. Continue.
So he, I'm, I'm at dinner, I guess, but there's a bunch of people there. There's like maybe five people, but I, I don't remember who was there. And the waiter comes over and he like hands me my food and then he gets down and kisses me on my hip.
Like it was, but my hip was like exposed.
Was I wearing low rise jeans? What the hell?
I don't know what I was wearing, but my hip was exposed and this guy smooched it. He was like, and I flipped. I was like, I was like, what the fuck are you doing?
I will say this.
Hold on. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? And he gets up and he's like, and he's just looking at me like this, like I like it. I was like, yo, get the fuck out of here. And then he turned kind of sinister and.
Holy shit.
And then he looks at me and he goes, you look terrified. And I got out of my chair and I got in his face and I was like, where? Get the fuck out of here.
Oh, I thought, I thought you meant like, where are you gonna kiss me next?
What's next?
I'm gonna go as far as to say this. Kissing on the hip.
Kiss my hip.
Way more sexual than any other kissing.
Mouth, penis. Frank, come on. Neck.
Oh yeah, neck. Neck is.
The nape.
Uh, yeah, yeah. What the hell is that?
Nape of the neck. Isn't it?
Just the neck, babe.
You know? But.
Chest.
Chest is. Chest.
I've already named five.
But like hip is crazy, Joey.
Hip is wild, hip is wild.
What do you wear? Are you wearing like a crop top and low-rise jeans and this guy was just able to just go?
I don't know, but he kissed it and I was just like, what the fuck are you doing?
What did you order? What did you order?
I don't remember any other details.
You don't remember any other details?
I remember the table was like.
Joey, what you order could have, could have invited.
Frank, if it was aphrodisiacs and I ordered only oysters.
Maybe it was, was it like one of those like themed restaurants where it's like, haha, the waiters are mean to you? It's just called like, instead of like Dick's Last Resort, it's called like, we kiss your bare hip.
Yeah. Wow. So that was the payoff for the joke, was that? Okay, good. Um.
But yeah, I had a dream and I woke up and I was just like, did I just get? S A'd?
Uh, I mean, in a, in a, in a way, yeah, you did.
I was very pissed off.
I mean, yeah, I can understand that.
And I didn't like that he was like, you look terrified. I was like, I will fucking kill you.
As someone who was, as someone who was on the receiving end of a, I told you, the guy in my legs and stuff like that.
Oh, I was there for that.
Yes, you were. Yeah. And you remember how mad I was?
It's an invasion of privacy, you know? So.
He's in your private.
He was literally invading my private.
On top of the pants. Let's be very, but that's crazy. Did you hit him? Or like, did you then wake up? Cause you were like, I'm too angry.
No, he walked away. He walked away. I wa- I woke up shortly after that, yeah. Or maybe I didn't, but that's all I remember.
Damn.
Yeah. It was weird. It was a very weird dream, dude.
Yeah, it was such a strange feeling.
What is that? You know, the dream people are back and they're just like, this means that you feel a total lack of control in your, I don't know.
What do we, yeah. And I was like, watching Seinfeld before I went to sleep, so I don't.
Was it Jerry Seinfeld that kissed your? What's the deal with this cute looking hip? Low-rise jeans at a dinner? Come on!
Come on!
May.
What's that?
I don't even know, Joey.
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Yeah, Aura Frames was kind enough to send us, and without exaggeration, easy and our favorite. Like, our favorite, Beck and I just sit there and just watch, and it's incredible.
Your background, your phone does that too, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does.
You're all about that interchanging photos.
Let me tell you right now, and we have kids and see our kids all the time, every day. So imagine like the loved one in your life doesn't get to see you or your friend, it's just, it's a great gift.
Now they get to see them age.
Don't do that, sorry.
Sorry.
Don't, why, like?
Dude, give me a, come here, break, I got kissed on my hip last night. By a man.
I stared at a picture of Ruby the other day, and like, my eyes welled, and I was just like, I need to get this off of my phone right now.
I want to see, what's the picture right now?
Is that your favorite?
Again, again, it's not the same picture.
Is Ruby your favorite child?
I don't have a favorite child, Joe.
I tried to!
No, I see what you're doing there, bitch. This is, you know why you're doing that. You know, the only people that ask that is because they know they weren't their parents' favorite child.
Hmm, well, that makes two of us.
I was, you know what was funny is like, someone was like, like, recently, like, you are middle child, like, you have middle child syndrome.
What is the syndrome?
It's like a thing where, you know, I don't want to, it's, it's just one of those things where like, people just make up things that are wrong about someone, and she's like, middle child syndrome. But like...
Oh dude, that sounds exactly what, something you would do.
Middle child syndrome is a hypothetical condition that suggests middle children develop different personality traits in their siblings, based on the idea that parents treat middle children differently.
That said a whole lot of nothing. What are their characteristics?
A high sense of independence. I, I, you know, you could say what you want about me, but I think I have that. Feelings of alienation, competitive, risk-taking, definitely not me.
Frank is not a risk taker.
Not a risk taker. Strong social skills, strong sharing behaviors, peacemakers, low self-esteem, flexible, friendship skills.
You are very flexible. You could get your leg all the way up.
I don't think he meant like physically flexible. Uh, friendship skill, peacemakers. I'm a, I'm a, I, I, I think.
Were you about to say you're a violent guy?
I was not.
Frank, you're definitely not.
I'm not. I'm a big teddy bear.
But I think some of those I have, you know, and you're the baby of your family.
What does that mean? I'm desperate for attention or something?
No, I think you were probably, there, there's all these dynamic things. It's like, you know, like the oldest gets treated this way. The baby gets like to do whatever they want.
Characteristics.
Of the last born child.
Well, there goes the backspace of the youngest child. Uh, independent, creative, social, attention-seeking, fun-loving, easygoing.
I, I think, I think, I think it's pretty on brand.
Charming, confident.
What does it say, please?
Manipulative. Uh, uh. Did you hear how I tried to?
Manipulative.
Manipulative. Persistent, problem solvers. Okay, this is just insane.
This just sounds great. Mine is just like, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're weak. And yours are like, smart, kind, really easygoing.
Really super easy.
Well, the reason that I technically fall into the middle child syndrome is because my younger brothers are twins. So it's like they're treated as one.
You know, but there definitely was in our house, the dynamic of like my, my parents were stricter with my sister. They loosened up.
Oh, yeah. They loosened up on, you know, me in terms of their rules. And then with my, my brothers, it was just like, who gives a fuck? They were so tired at that point.
I mean, this is probably very obvious, but I have no idea how like, I, we, we all know that my parents love Tom.
Yeah, like the first child, they love Tom. He's the golden child. So like that we know that, but like I think for the rest of us, they weren't really like super strict about most things.
How were they with Shannon? Because she's the only girl.
So I imagine, and I imagine your dad just being like, you're not dating until you're ninety-eight.
No, my dad actually was not like that at all.
Really? Okay.
But he like he was.
You know what? You're right. Because I remember your sister's like.
Boyfriends would be over.
Would be, they'd come over frequently.
Yeah, but my, my dad loves making fun of them though. Like he would give them a hard time.
Guess what? He gave everyone a hard time, Joey. It's not like they were special. Everyone got made fun of by your father.
Well, we would have dinner with my family and then like her boyfriend would be there and he'd be like, all right, yeah, you're gonna do the dishes tonight. All right, handle that.
I swear to God. Like we would have to help, but he'd be like, do the dishes.
Your dad's favorite thing, I remember when we'd come over for dinners, is yelling at me every time I'd forget to not eat before grace. Well, I would eat before grace. And he'd be like, ah, yeah, and I'd be like.
Do you, do you remember grace?
Yes, because Keith would rush through it. I've heard this a million times. It would always be whatever. I guess it's the way that the cards fell. Keith was always the one to do it when I went over for dinner.
My dad would sit at the end of the table. He's never done it, but he would nominate everyone else.
Do it, do it, do grace. And it was always Keith and he'd go, ah. Bless the Lord for these thy gifts. I'm about to receive in the bounty of Christ, O Lord, amen.
Well, that's a, you're, you're janky with it, but you're there.
I mean, I mean, for someone that has never, you know.
That's so funny that you remember that. Yeah.
Always Keith. Always, always, always.
Yeah, Keith, fucking alright.
Eat.
And then I could fucking just like swallow the rigatoni I have already chewed up in my mouth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was within fork range, so if I forgot.
Dude.
I remember when we started to wean that out, it felt so weird to be like, we could just eat. I still have that in me.
Like when I'm at other people's houses.
You wait?
I, I don't, like, I don't know. Like, I don't know the right time to eat.
Uh, Becca's, uh, family is big into, uh.
Prayer?
Not prayer, but saying grace. And it's always like.
Wait.
Yeah, oh, actual like southern style grace is like you gotta give a speech.
So Becca's dad will like, you know, he'll just like, he'll see that people are like getting, and there's kids involved. So he just does like a blanket grace over the house. He'll just be like, "Thank you for this food. We appreciate the blessings in our life." You know, like, eh eh eh, one that I could get behind more than just-
While people are still going?
Like, right before. Like, he tends to wait, but like, he does like a blanket grace. Just like, "Thank you, we appreciate it, good."
Get home safe.
Yeah, basically, you know.
Tip your waitress.
I don't know, he doesn't do that, but, you know, eh eh eh, it's fine, you know? But like, the ones where you guys were doing full-on prayers, like-
Well, we would just do that one. We would never do like, "Well, you know, it's been a good year."
I would love to go to like, a, like a legit southern dinner. Where they're just like, "Lord baby Jesus, do you have given us this bounty?" You know, and just see how-
Two mice fell in a bucket of cream. One of the mice drowned.
No, no, no, no, two mice fell in a bucket of milk. One mouse drowned. The other became butter.
No, it's cream, and he turned that bu- he turned that cream into butter, and he walked out.
I wonder how long they get. There's someone watching this that is from the south and they're just like, "So long."
I would, if I'm, if I'm ever in the south and I have to like, give a grace, I'm doing the two mice in the bucket of cream.
I would love to like, you know how, remember in the first Borat movie, he goes to like, uh, like an etiquette, not an etiquette school, but it's like a southern gentleman thing where he like goes to a dinner?
I would love to see that and us there, but like, also, we would be taking the piss out of it a little, so maybe they'd get upset.
I mean, I'd be alright.
I'd be upset, and I wouldn't be okay for a couple of reasons. I just remembered, I also had a dream last night, that I shaved my face, and dude, I looked very bad.
Yeah, don't do it, dude.
I've, I had like a gob on that.
A lot of your charm is your facial hair, because we know how shitty your bare naked face is.
It's true. Mine too, I'm not, I'm not free of-
I didn't wanna say it.
I'll say it. I'm a naked-faced ugly idiot.
Wow.
Are you crying?
No, but that's so weird, I just remembered that too. I was like, what the fuck, why would I do that?
You about, I would say like a year and change ago, you committed to this whole like, prominent mustache, scruffy, untemp- unkempt facial hair thing. It's, it's worked wonders for you, Joey, I have to say. You do, you're doing well for yourself. You should be proud.
I'm so proud of myself, dude, for being unkempt.
Uh, I, I mean, I just think that like you know what works for you.
But, I do miss, you know, double-breasted shirt, bare-faced Joe-
Who took pictures-
Those-
Frank, you took the same ones.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Frankie.
No, I did not.
No, I did not. Show me one, bitch. Yeah. That's bad. It's not, tank top, you know, fucking snapback, oh, you know, the tank top says something like, you know, it's a fucking Tasmanian devil and it says like devilish, and you're like,
that was you.
Frank, you probably still have this in your thirty-two-year-old drawer. You probably still have that t-shirt in there.
Yes, you do.
I have put all of my-
It's like all the monsters in Space Jam.
Put all my graphic-
And it says Slam Magazine!
And that's a shirt. I've put all my graphic tees into storage.
Uh, so-
What about your, your gas station football jerseys? Where are those?
Oh!
Oh god, you're lucky it's Buc-E's.
One day, one day.
One.
We're gonna physically assault each other on this show.
You know, just to see what happens.
Maybe we should.
Maybe we should do a boxing match. Maybe get us on the next card, Netflix. We'll take a couple million dollars.
Oh yeah.
I'll take a dive if you need me to. For, for, let me explain something very quickly. People were so up in arms about this Tyson versus Paul fight.
For the money he got, you could say whatever you wanted to about me on the internet. I am taking, you want me to take a dive?
I'm diving.
I'm going headfirst into the canvas.
I'll break my neck into the canvas.
I don't know about that.
Yeah, I won't do that either.
I will, if they're like, "Hey, you need to make him look good, and you need to let this go the distance, put on a show, and he wins", I will say, "No fucking problem."
No problem.
Netflix, come on babe, let us, let us...
I think if you took all the people that listen to our show, the opportunity to pledge like a dollar or two.
To do what?
To, like, we would be able to raise enough money to get you and I to box.
We don't have to raise money for us to box?
Don't we?
Oh. You're being a capitalistic pig.
Damn right bitch. Learn from the best.
Yeah, exactly. You added that little thing. Mirror, meet Frank, meet reflection. I don't know what I'm saying yet, but, but I tried to say.
Mirror, me flay, me Frank, reflection.
You project onto me, but it's really you talking to yourself because you think I'm you who's me.
Listen baby, birds of a feather.
We flock together. Flock. Make sure that the internet picks that L up.
Flock, not fuck each other. We're not fucking, alright?
Birds of a feather. What's that song?
I don't know the words.
I don't know. It's a Billie Eilish song, I think.
It is a Billie Eilish song.
Is it Billie Eilish? Yeah, it is.
Yeah, it is Billie Eilish.
Can't set me up like that.
Shout out to Billie Eilish.
Yeah, friend of the show.
Friend of the show?
Billy!
Come talk with us, dude.
Billy Goats Gruff.
Let's be cool as hell.
Billy Goats Gruff? Why'd I say that?
I don't know, but you might have just... Forget what he said. Josh, you know what to do with what he said.
Yeah. Billy Goats Gruff.
I think that would be a fun episode.
I think so, too.
So. No pressure.
We'll sing. We'll sing songs.
We'll sing, and we'll talk to her about, like, singing. Cause I'm sure, I'm sure that's what she wants to come on the show and talk about.
Everyone talks to her about singing.
We want, how about this? Billy, we won't talk to you about singing at all.
We'll talk to her about bugs.
She likes bugs? The Office!
I don't know, she wears a lot of like...
She loves The Office, I love, we, I love The Office, I don't know where you are.
Sometimes she wears outfits, and I'm like, this person looks like they're into bugs.
Yeah, we'll talk about bandanas. She wears bandanas sometimes.
How much, how mu- how off, how much can you say about bandanas?
You give me the right amount of time, bitch, I'll fill time with bandana talk, okay?
I guess.
You just gotta be careful.
About bandan- oh, yeah.
You gotta be real careful. Be careful which one you wear. And talk about.
Yeah, that too.
You know.
Uh, anyway, geez, right off target. Off tar- off tre-
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. I'll, I'll talk, I'll talk. What am I talking about? Are we done?
Yeah, we're done. We're done. I'm done with this. I'm done with this. I'm, I'm losing my mind, I think.
FAlbert is eighty-eighty-five on Twitter?
Say it with confidence, with conviction.
FAlbert is eighty-eighty-five on Twitter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. FAlbert is eighty-eighty-five on Twitter.
The Frank Alberts in all other forms of social media. Follow The Basement Yard. Be like Billie Eilish, who follows the show.
Just on TikTok.
Oh, just on TikTok.
I think, I think she still does, but I'm not sure.
And also, The Rizler.
He does.
He does? What's up?
Being excited about it.
Billie Eilish, The Rizler. We're connected.
We have range.
We're connected.
We've got range.
Show check it out, social media, The Basement Yard on everything. Thank you for the love and support.
The Basement Yard.
Basement Yard, uh, Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. We love you, we appreciate you, we care, we love you.
We care, we love you. Uh, yeah, you guys can go follow me at Joe Santa Gao. Go follow the show The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram, and that is all. See you guys next time.
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