The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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14,049 words · 2 speakers
Welcome back to the ba-
Welcome back to the basement yard. How's it going Frank?
You okay?
I'm good.
You sure?
What's going on?
Are you okay?
I feel good.
I feeli-
You're feeli.
I fully expect that you're-
Touchy feeli.
I am a touchy feeli guy. I've learned to stop.
What does that mean?
Like remember when we were kids you said like I'd always like play with the buttons on your shirt and shit like that?
Yeah, that was annoying.
That was annoying. Uh, and like I said, I've learned to stop. I'm fully expecting you to just burst into a sweat puddle of- and pie. A sweat pie. Is that a thing? It's kinda bad now, right?
That's like corn.
I- uh, you're wearing what can only be described as just a bear.
It could be described as a sweater.
No, that's very sweater. That's like, that's a level of sweater that's like, it's become- that's like a drawn sweater. Like if you were to ask me to like draw a sweater, that's what I would draw. It's too- it's too sweeter-y.
I feel like you're being judgmental.
Someone has to be. I mean, someone needs to tell you that that sweater is too much of a sweater.
Frank, you're wearing pink and black Adidas pants.
No, I'm not.
Also, the outfit that you came with the other day, I had to take a picture of it.
Really?
Frank.
What pic- which outfit?
You had a summer beach shirt-
Oh, yeah.
With, uh, like, tight sweatpants tucked into New Balance sneakers.
Tucked in is a bit much.
Well, they were- they were-
Tapered.
Making their way-
Tapered, bitch.
Tapered. Yeah, they were taped to your ankles is what they were.
No, they were not! You took a picture of my outfit? Without my consent?
I think I consented.
You have opened your- no, no, I didn't consent to anything, bitch.
First of all, you're staring right at me and I was like-
Oh, was I?
Yeah.
Sorry, you're mostly on your phone when I'm trying to talk to you.
Don't try to change the subject.
Yeah, honestly, I tried to get out of that one a little bit.
That's the picture. That's a good outfit!
Frank, that's a bad outfit.
Is that a bad outfit?
There's good pieces.
Who'd you send that to?
Nobody.
Yeah?
Not yet.
It's gonna get sent around.
I'm letting it marinate, and then I'll probably send it back to you one day when you say something to me. And I'll just be like, "Here."
No, that's a good outfit. I don't think-
That's not a good outfit. It's good pieces, good pieces.
Good pieces?
But it's a bad outfit.
Listen, they are the sum of their parts. Let me explain that really quickly, alright? I look great in that outfit, as I do in this one. And no one knows, I'm not wearing pink and black Adidas.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. They can't see my bottom half, so as far as they know, it doesn't exist.
Whatever.
You ever hear the idea that like, Schrodinger's cat, or Schrodinger's box, or whatever?
Pa- pause?
You ever heard of that?
Pause button. Who's that?
Schrodinger.
Yeah, no, that, who's that?
Uh, I don't know who it is.
I know Nicole Schw- Schw- Schwabger.
I know Kyle Schwaber.
I know Kyle Schwaber as well.
And you know Nicole's-
I know Dr. Scholz.
Is that a real person?
Dr. Scholz? It's the foot guy.
I don't, there's a lot of fake doctors just getting put in weird positions.
And Nicole Schorzenger.
Scherzenger.
What'd I say?
You were saying Schworzenger, like, she was like, her child and, you know, Schwarzenegger.
Um, I-
Who's the cat?
The cat, Schrodinger's box. You never heard of the idea of Schrodinger's box?
No.
Or Schrodinger's cat?
How you getting cat and box mixed up?
Because it has to do with a cat. It's like a quantum physics theory that like, if you were to like, put a, like a box in the corner, and I tell you there's a cat in there, they're like, "There is a cat, but there isn't a cat," or some shit like that. It's some fucking crazy, now I gotta look it up just to make sure I'm not fucking this up.
I mean, you haven't even said anything. There's a, you put a box in the corner, you tell me there's a cat in there, and then what?
Schrodinger's cat. So Schrodinger's cat is a quantum, is thought that an experiment, see, this is, it's getting too wordy here.
This is a comic book thing, or is this a real life thing?
Alright. Is thought, is a thought experiment designed, devised by the Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger, good name, by the way, which he designed to illustrate a paradox of quantum superpositioning, wherein a hypothetical cat may be considered both alive and dead because its fate is linked to a random event that may or may not occur.
I don't even know what that means.
Yeah, I know, right?
Yeah, why'd you even bring that up?
Um, because I'm making fun of your stupid sweater.
And there's no connection? So, see, this is why you just call it yourself, because you like to say things that you know, so it sounds like something.
Correct.
But clearly, it means nothing.
Correct! You got me! Yeah! So, the knowledge is not necessarily knowing about things, it's just knowing things. So like, I know about Schrodinger's cat, I don't know what the hell it is, though.
Right.
So, that's enough to start a conversation. Like, look, give me something that, uh, you know a lot about, and I don't. Let's say F1, okay? Seriously, and I'm not trying to make fun of the fact that you just watch cars go fast in a circle.
F1, man. I know F1. I don't know about F1, though, so that's enough.
That was your example?
You go like, "F1, man." No, I would find out very quickly.
Because there are people that don't like, they don't care about talking, like, uh, having a conversation, they just sometimes just wanna talk about what they like. So, you can be like, "Dude, F1, right?" And you go like, "Yeah," and then you just like unfurl just all this knowledge about F1.
So, there you go.
So, you're manipulating your way through conversations in life?
I have, in the past.
Right, yeah, okay, cool.
I have, oh my god.
Yes.
I had the worst being recognized in-person interaction in my entire life.
Were you like, dressed weird, or you weren't?
No, no, no, no, it was, I was out with Becca and the kids, and it's not like how it happened, but just the way that the person went about saying it was like, "I wanted to fucking leave there and just like bash my head against the wall." What the hell was that?
I don't know, that was fucking scary, honestly.
She goes, "Make sure you're still plugged in, baby." "Yeah, I'm good." She goes, uh, "It was a woman," she turns, and she looks at me, and I know, like, you know, I know that the person recognized me.
If someone swings their head around, yeah.
Yeah, they go...
Oh, oh, okay, so you're famous, alrighty.
Wait, what?
And I was like, yo, I said to my, I was like, uh, uh, like, I don't even know how to respond.
A theater kid way.
Exactly, like, uh.
Here you are.
Yeah, oh, this is happening right now. You know, like, you know, like, the, people make fun of, like, Marvel movies because the comedy is all, like, you know, talking bad about a character and they're just like, uh, he's right behind me, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, like, very, like, Disney star versions of that.
So that's what she said?
Yeah, she was like, oh, okay, alright, so you're famous.
What'd you say?
I was just like, no, I, I don't, I wouldn't say all that, and she was just like, like, but just like, it was so cringe-worthy.
Was there anything else?
Wait, that was it and she kept pushing?
That was it.
And then she just kept walking?
That was the whole thing, the whole interaction, yeah.
That's a strange reaction.
That is strange, right?
That, like, I would expect, like, a, like, a, you know, like, an Elon Musk to do something like that, because he's a weird dude, too. You know what I'm saying?
Uh, yes, I do, Frank.
Oh, oh!
He's such a dweeb, dude, it's crazy. Like, he's just a dweeby guy to me, I don't know why.
He could be both things at the same time, he could be smart and also just, just kind of a dweeb.
Well, he's gotta be a little smart, richest guy in the world, so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got, he's got something.
But it was so cringe-worthy, I hated every minute of it.
Damn, she's gonna see this.
Whatever, I don't care.
Well, clearly. Well, that was, that was interesting.
Um, speaking of Disneyfied versions.
What?
Like, I said Disney star, like, the Disneyfied, like, Disney star comedy, did you see everyone's mad at Sabrina Carpenter?
Wait, was she on Disney?
Yeah, she was a Disney star. You didn't know that?
No, I didn't.
Can I ask you a serious question?
I consider you to be a smart person, I also consider you to be pretty, uh, you, you finger the pulse.
Okay.
You know?
That's not how you say that.
You keep your finger on the pulse?
That's better.
There you go.
You don't finger the post.
Post?
Who are you fingering?
The mail.
Post, the New York Post.
Although I had, Jesus.
This kid's Spider-Man-ing the mail.
You ever stick your hand in a mailbox?
Yeah, I have a mailbox dude.
No, no, no, like a public mailbox.
What the fuck does that mean?
Like a, like a mailbox, bro. You grew up in Queens, there's mailboxes.
Like the ones on the corners?
Yeah!
You can't put your hand in them!
You could try, and I have.
I guess I know because I probably tried.
First of all, illegal. Second of all, young, not gonna get in trouble.
It was several, several, several years ago.
Thank you. No, but I've tried to put my hand, and I just wanna, I didn't wanna take any mail, but I wanted to touch some mail, and I never did. And that's where the story ends, please continue.
Wait, what's... You're like the person that like tries to like close the fridge door to the part where the light closes and you can see in, just be like, what the hell goes on in there when it's all dark?
First of all, I've done that at my mom's house numerous times. Cause she has the one where it's like on a button.
I used to hide in my freezer.
Go on!
How'd you even get in a freezer? How big was your fridge?
It was, it was like one of the stand-up freezers, which we can all agree on, way better than a chest freezer, right?
I hate the chest.
Oh my god!
I hate it, give me a door.
Big fridge, fuck you!
And I would, as a kid, I would stand, it was like, there was like a little like ledge, and then I could like stand and back up into the freezer and it could close. Don't do this, anyone!
This is very dangerous! But I would hide in there, I'd also, it had like a...
From what and who and why?
Why did I do this?
Why were you hiding in a freezer?
Cause your, kids hide, man. Hide and seek. You know how much of a flex it was to be good at hide and seek?
Apparently not.
Some of us, uh, but it also had like shelving on it and it was metal and I would take my fingers and I'd lick them and I'd touch the shelving and they'd get stuck.
I've done that.
Oh.
But I would never do it with my tongue. Those people are crazy.
Crazy, right?
Licking out like icy pole outside, I would never do that.
What's that fucking dumbass movie?
Uh, Christmas Story?
Yeah, fuck that.
Movie sucks.
It does, right?
I hate that movie.
Yeah, it's not that good, but, uh, yeah, I would hide it in my fridge. But yeah, we're going, for someone that is always.
Fingering the pulse.
This is Joey in the pulse right here.
Rubbing the clit of the pulse.
Yeah, it's just absolutely just going to town on this thing.
I didn't know that she was on Disney.
How did you not know that?
I don't know. I mean, I know Sabrina Carpenter. I like her songs.
Did you ever, there's a clip I saw on TikTok and it's, I assume from one of her shows. Where there's like a boy character and he's like, they want to test me to see if I have autism. And she like gets in his face and she's like, "You don't have autism. Tell them you don't have autism." Who wrote that? No?
Wait, on Disney? So she was probably like 11?
She must've been young, yeah. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, around there.
Go in there and tell them that you don't have it.
That's great.
But, uh, uh, people are upset with her right now.
What does she do?
Her, uh, there was a video from her con, because she's on tour right now.
And I've, I've heard one song from hers and it's es- it's espresso. I've not listened to it.
Why are you adding S's before the word even begins?
It's espresso.
That's not the song.
Espresso.
Yeah, but it's, the song, I'm, I'm identifying it, bitch.
Okay, but you're saying es-espresso.
That's not, like, you see how that's wrong?
It, yes.
It's, it is espresso. Better?
You fucking.
You don't get to go es-espresso like you're hammered.
I'm, how do you know I'm not drunk?
Es-espresso.
Um, wait, okay.
No, but they're upset because on her tour, she, um, apparently like pantomimes.
Filleting.
Sucking that thing?
A microphone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I have seen online that like, people are like, how can she do this? All her fans are children or something. I don't even, I don't know if that's true.
But also like, I feel like she is a very.
Sexual.
She has like an aura to her that's like.
She's sexual in her songs.
Oh, is she in her songs?
Well, I know, uh, the only, cause like I said, the only one I know is espresso.
And I only know the, you know, it's about me and my own, is that me? I guess so. And I don't, I don't really even know the words, so I could be saying. I really don't.
You, did you say, I, I don't know if I know the words? You don't know them, because you didn't say words. What do you mean? No, but she's, I'll look it up, but like, she's, she's always had horny.
It's that, it's that me, it's espresso.
I honestly don't.
Damn, I could have dragged you crazy.
It's a me, it's espresso. It's not Mario and Luigi.
It's a me, espresso.
Alright, AI, listen, I know you're listening, because they're, you're everywhere.
You're always listening.
Just like God and Santa Claus.
Uh, and sure, yeah, okay.
I guess that does work. Make a, an espresso, but, but by Super Mario. You know?
Thanks for getting that out there. Um, but she has horny lyrics, like she has one.
Are you looking up the lyrics now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, for the parents who are complaining about, like, she's being too explicit at her shows, Sabrina Carpenter. Let's just have a listen.
Also.
Let's have a listen.
You fucking prudes? What, like, wha- wha- wha- what's wrong? This is a, she's an adult. She could do whatever the hell she wants.
I mean, she could. She's sucking the microphone down.
Well, she wasn't, did you see the, I saw the clip on TikTok. Did she not suck at anything?
Does she put it in her mouth?
She doesn't.
She's singing, and she holds it here and holds her hair back. That's pretty, I know.
If, if.
If you did that again, people would be like.
No, no, no. That's how they teach it in mime school, I assume. I assume. I've never been.
Been to mime school?
No, but that's something that we should do. That'd be fun. To go to mime.
Pantomime blowing someone in mime school?
No, just going to mime school. We don't have to.
Is mime school a thing?
How else do you learn how to mime?
Just like, in your spare time. If there's a whole school for mimes.
There's a whole school for clowns!
That's different, dude. Clowns used to be way bigger. Mimes were never big in the US. They were big in France.
That's fair. Um, anyway, uh, if you're one of the parents out there, that is like, hey, I can't believe I brought my daughter here. Sabrina Carpenter is being too sexually explicit on stage.
Let's give a, let's, let's take a look at the lyrics!
Give a listen.
Before you bring your child there. Okay, this one, I just pulled up. This is an easy one.
What's the song?
Uh, Taste. Guess what she, guess what the taste is?
That, that is a very sexual.
Kitty cat! Alright?
Oh!
Berg, Bergangels.
Yes, exactly.
Heron Bergangeldy.
He pins you down on the carpet. By the way, rug burn, a little crazy. Get off the carpet.
You know what I mean?
Carpet could mean pubes, dude.
That's fair.
Carpet could mean pubes.
How do you get pinned down on someone's pubes? We're getting off track.
He pins you down on the carpet, makes paintings with his tongue, la la la la la.
Conlangus.
Right. He's funny now. All his jokes hit different. Guess who he learned that from?
What the hell does that mean?
I don't.
He's funny now?
Do you, I mean.
I don't know, I don't know.
He's telling jokes down there?
He's prob, yeah.
Knock, knock. They are.
Like, what's they do with peanuts?
It's like.
What's the deal with that?
Jesus.
I'll be off.
She has a whole song, this song is called "Juno", that's horny as fuck. And if you're a parent out there that's upset about the concert, just listen to this song and be like, "Maybe I shouldn't bring my eight year old."
Do we not remember like, fucking Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl, like, basically giving a handjob to Justin Timberlake?
Bro, at her concerts, she used to get up there and she would OTPHJ to men.
Just random guys?
Over the pants handjob.
Just random recipients of handjobs at Janet Jackson shows?
They'd be like tied up on a cross, I don't know if she does it at every concert, but I've seen videos, she's like tied up on a cross and she's like grabbing the stuff.
I could see why the tying up on a cross is a, is a, something people get upset about.
Yeah, that's, yeah. A certain section of people would be upset about that.
And honestly, I could see why even a more intense part of that section of people would get upset if you're pantomiming jerking off the Lord and Savior.
Well, no, it's not about God.
If you're on a cross tied up.
I don't know if it was a cross, I don't know that shape. Whatever. Um, but Sabrina Carpenter, this is one of her songs, hot start.
"Juno", you said.
It's called "Juno".
Uh, "Don't have to tell your hot ass a thing." Oh yeah, you just get it. "Whole package babe, I like the way you fit." Now already-
Oh, that's dick.
We're talking about penis in things.
That's penis right there, yeah.
Um, "You make me wanna fall in love." "Oh, late at night, I'm thinking about you, ah ah."
"Wanna try out my fuzzy pink handcuffs?"
Okay, this is not that bad. I mean, she did talk about a giant weener.
Give it a second.
Oh wait, this, it gets worse?
Oh boy, what happened?
Wait, dude, why does the world get so freaked out when women explain that they are sexual beings? So this is, so this is, "Adore me, hold me and explore me, mark your territory." I don't know if that's peeing.
That's pissed, dude, that's how, that's how-
That might be pissed. Dogs are going crazy for that one.
Oh yeah, exactly.
"Tell me I'm the only, only, only, only one, adore me, hold me and explore me, I'm so fucking horny."
Oh, Jesus Christ.
All, all, all subtext has gone out of the window here.
Then there's another song called "Bedkem", I don't know, bed, bed? Bedkem. And on this one, it just says-
Why, why?
It says, "Come, come right on me." I mean camaraderie. So.
She says, "Come right on me."
Come right on?
Come right on me. I thought it was "come right on me." But that doesn't make sense.
But she's saying, "Come right on me."
Like, that's, that's forward, dude.
Yeah, that's forward.
That's crazy.
And it says, "I mean..."
I will say, parents, this is on you. She's making her...
That's what I'm saying.
She's making this, you need to fucking vet what your kids are listening to.
That's, I agree.
When my brother walked in the house at the age of 12, and he shouted out the top of his lungs, "I smell pussy." You think my mom was mad at 50 Cent?
Yeah, right.
Or Youngblood? Or Lloyd Banks? No, she was furious at my brother.
I smell pussy, that's great.
Like, what are you, parents, if you're mad at anyone, be mad at yourself. You know, there is a way, technology now allows you to police certain things. Get, get better at this.
Yeah, get better at it, my guy.
What are you doing? You know?
Don't, don't bring Sabrina, she's up there, she's, she's singing the "Come Right On Me" song.
That's, I will say, that's crazy. But it's not her fault.
She meant camaraderie, it was a mistake.
But she put it in the lyrics.
Frank, it was a mistake.
It wasn't a mistake.
It was a fraudulent slip.
That is, I will say, as, uh, someone who knows someone that has written, uh, poems.
You're friends with Edgar Allan Poe?
No, I'm friends with Francisco, the poet laureate.
Uh, that, I will say, that is an impressive use of wordplay there. That would make, uh, poets such as Francisco very jealous. Because that's impressive.
Because you wanted to write "Come Right On Me."
I don't write anything. I don't write anything. No, I would also not write that, I would do that.
So I'm so jealous you thought of it first.
No. Why does, what is with, and, and this comes up every couple of years, but like, anytime a woman...
Like, just, it's just sexual, the way men are. Men are out there and they're just like, here's my fucking dick and balls, dude. And guys are just like, they're boys, they're men. And then girls are like, oh yeah, I like sex too. And they're like, you, you, you control yourself, woman. What the fuck, we're a bunch of prudes.
It's a double stand.
What is going on?
Or the dudes that are like, oh, don't breastfeed your baby in public, ew!
I'm letting you know right now.
I'm, men, I'm talking to you. And ladies, ta- you, you, show this to the men in your life. If you have an issue with a woman, or anyone breastfeeding in fucking public.
That's bananas.
You are the lowest, dumbest, little squirt of a crap on this fucking planet, okay?
That's a weird way to say that, but yeah.
You are so stupid. What is wrong with you? You sucked on a tit once. You're just jealous you ain't sucking on tits, are you, boy?
That's true. And also, what do you want to do? You want the kid to die? What do you want? Kid's hungry. You want it to keep crying?
I hope they put all the crying babies on tits. Put the, you, you know what?
On planes!
You know what? Get the tit in the mouth!
You know what? This is what, this is what you do. Guys, if you're upset about someone breastfeeding in public, we're gonna get your oldest diarrhea dinosaur shit mom and make you suck her tit. How about that? Frankie, you're being, now you're, like, you're trying to be like a champion for women and now you're disrespecting someone's mom.
I will speak for them! I will do everything!
You just called someone's mother a dinosaur diarrhea mom?
I don't know what that means.
Lost it.
But, Sabrina Carpenter, she's gonna sing her songs, maybe she's gonna slang a ghostly penis that doesn't exist out there. You know what I mean?
I don't know, like-
It's part of the show.
God. And it's funny, because like, these are people that like, the parents that are getting upset were the parents that were like into like, Wham! And New Kids on the Block. And before that, like, fucking David Bowie, who was coming out with basically just his penis out.
Yeah, David Bowie.
You know, and like, you're getting so upset.
Wait, what was the Wham! song?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart-
This is a different one I'm thinking of. That was a, I hate that song, by the way.
It's a great song, Joey.
Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart, you like that song?
Trash bags.
It's so good dude.
It's not.
You're crazy. We're not, I don't, I don't, I don't wanna go down this rabbit hole.
What's the Wham! song though?
Wham!
Oh, are they, um, uh, uh, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go?
If that is, that does suck. Wake me up before you go go. Let me see, most famous Wham! songs.
Most famous Wham! songs?
Uh, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
Nailed it.
Last Christmas, okay?
How do you land on that as your band name?
Wham?
Just like a, you know what I mean?
I don't know. The Edge of Heaven is another song.
The Edge of He- Edging in Heaven?
I guess. So, George Michael's on there. Speaking of-
George Michael's is in Wham?
He was Wham! Before he was Wham! and fangs, he was Wham! and and Wham!
George Michael's is gay?
The gayest dude.
I don't know. I get confused.
He got in trouble for like Wham! and pee pee in like a public bathroom.
George Michael's was Wham! and Wang's in bathrooms?
Uh, oh, I hope I'm right on this. I hope-
Wham! and the Wang's in the washroom?
Yeah, because the joke was, the joke was in Arrested Development that he was named George Michael. And then he was like, he changed it to George Maharris, who was another person that got in. Uh, George Michael controversy.
I feel like Frank is basing-
Came out as gay in ninety-eight, active, uh-
Gay in ninety-eight dude. Wow.
Yeah. Uh, he was arrested in ninety-eight for public lewdness.
Uh, and, uh, multiple drug-related offenses. Oh, okay.
But, uh, he, uh-
He was wanging.
He was, he was cruising for sex. That's literally-
That's not what's written in there.
That's what it says here.
He was cruisin'?
He always really jonesin' for a penis.
Uh, his only crime, cruisin' for sex in Hempstead Heath Park in London.
Nice.
Yeah. What was this lewd act? I think it was when he was like in parks, just like, yo, like-
Going crazy on-
Going crazy on glory holes and shit.
Right, yeah.
But, yeah, dude, you didn't know he was, you didn't know- Wham?
I mean, I barely know Wham! dude. That's from like the seventies. Am I making that up? I don't know.
Ah, eighties, I believe. Yeah, mid to late eighties. Where did Wham! come from?
Where didn't it come from?
I guess, yeah.
Camrytery. Camrydam. Camrydomy.
Yeah, there it is.
That's where it came.
Wow, crazy. And I can't believe you don't like Last Christmas. That's a good one.
I don't like hate. It's just not like, yo, it's a banger.
I mean, I'm not saying it's the best, but I'm saying it's good. You're saying it's trash. That's what you said.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. And then the very next day, you gave it away.
Gave it away.
This year, to save you from tears, I give it to someone special.
That could be cruising for sex too. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. That could mean a sexual thing. The very next day, you gave it away.
First of all, what is that? Like, I gave you my heart. You're assuming like I told you that, but like the next day you gave it away. What does that mean? How do you give away someone else's heart?
Cheated.
But that wouldn't...
Very next day, you gave it away.
Oh, yeah, maybe.
This year, to save me from tears. Tears. I gave it to someone special.
New love. Beautiful. Wham.
Christmas.
Who else was in Wham? Frank.
I didn't even know George Michael was in it.
I'm shocked you didn't know that.
I had no idea.
Wham members. Come on.
Frank, it doesn't matter. It's a 400-year-old band.
Um, Joey, 35-year-old band. Andrew Ridgely.
Don't know it.
Dion Estes.
Don't know it too.
Hugh Burns.
You guessed it.
All right, here it goes. Danny Cummings. Spelled the way you would expect.
Spelled the Sabrina Carpenter way.
Crazy.
Damn. All right, anyway, we do have some sponsors for today. The first one being, hello, Zocdoc. Zocdoc is a platform that is going to help you find and book, uh, doctor's appointments with doctors in your area that take your insurance. When you turn a certain age in this country, you have to get your own insurance. I think it's 26. I don't even know if that's true anymore. I don't know. The whole thing is burning. But, uh, you, when you get your own insurance, you're probably like, I don't know if I can even go back to the same doctor or whatnot. And before they were sponsored on this show, I was using Zocdoc to find out which doctors in my area took my insurance. And who's a good doctor? I have no idea. I only went to one my entire life. So with this, it's a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality, in-network doctors. And you can choose the right one for your needs.
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Fuck her.
I was driving on my way here. And I thought of a science question and I feel like I need to ask.
Yes, ask the science question.
Well, I mean, you and I, here's the thing.
We're scientists.
We're not scientists, but we are very good at piecing together.
Possible logic.
Figuring out the secrets of the world.
Well, yes, because whether it be physics, chemistry, um.
Other subjects, language arts.
Other, the other sciences, you know, we can figure it out for the most part, but I was driving and I was like, I looked at my speedometer and I was going 70 miles an hour.
Mm-hmm.
And I was like, okay. I looked next to me and there was a ball, a baseball in my car. Don't ask me why I have a baseball in my car. I have one. And then I was like, wait a sec. This baseball's moving 70 miles per hour.
So if I were to take this baseball and I were to throw it as hard as I can, let's say I can throw 70 miles per hour also.
Would that ball then travel 140 miles per hour?
Because I'm doing the 70 plus 70?
No, no.
Why not?
Because.
But it's moving with me in the car. Everything in that car is moving the speed of the car. If I slam on the brakes, the ball will roll because it is keeping its motion.
I, no. No, because let's, let's do this, you're in a pickup truck, right? So we can get in the back.
Alright, yeah, let's get in my, let's get in the pickup truck. Let's get in the pickup truck.
Okay. The truck is moving 70 miles an hour and you have a baseball in your hand. Technically, that ball is moving 70 miles an hour.
But if you were to drop the ball, right, out of the car.
Yup.
It's, it didn't travel 70 miles an hour. It went not, maybe not straight down.
That is a different, that is a different direction, a different law of gra, like the law of gravity is moving it that way now.
Okay, but even if you took it and went like this, like a little forward, it's not gonna go 70 miles an hour that way.
Yeah, it will.
No, it will, it will die down very quickly.
But if I throw, if it's move, if it's in my, if I'm going 70 in the car and I throw it.
It's going faster than 70. If it's going ahead of the car.
Like Frank, 140 miles an hour is so fast. If you're in the back of a pickup truck.
And you throw the baseball 70 mi- like you could throw 70 miles an hour. You throw it and you're going 70. I don't think it's going 140.
Does the direction in which I'm throwing it matter?
Of course. We're talking about wind here.
So if I'm go- if I throw it with the wind, is the wind-
That's what I mean. Yeah, of course you're throwing it that way.
So, so then yeah, why wouldn't it? I think, I think that's a way to get around it.
So, yeah dude.
I think there's something, and I don't know the terms here, but you know when you're like, you have the baseball, right?
And you're sitting in a car that's going 70. For the same reason why when you throw the ball in the air, it comes right back down to your hand. It doesn't go to the back of the car.
Ah, I don't know about that.
What, you don't know about what?
Because-
That, that wouldn't happen Frank.
Yeah, but if I were to change the, the speed of the car, while I throw it in the air, the car, the, the ball would still be moving 70 miles per hour. So if I were to take a ball, hold on, here we go, here we go. I'm right there, I'm right there. I promise, I promise. I'm a, I'm breaking through, like this might be a legit,
big science discovery here.
Frank, this is 8th grade physics. Let's be clear.
If I have a ball, I'm driving, 70 miles per hour. Let's use your example of a pickup truck, since you're white. Um, and-
And I have the ball in my hand and I throw it in the air like this. Nothing crazy, not like a fucking pop-up. Like I throw it like right here. And then someone, gently, let's not say slams, but gently presses the brakes. That ball is still going 70 miles per hour. Same as if they were to speed up.
It's not going 70 miles an hour one way Frank.
Yes it is.
No it isn't. It's not traveling forward.
Yes it is!
No it isn't!
It's not driving in a car in a straight line!
I know, but it's not traveling forward in the way, in the same way that if you threw it.
I, I think-
It's at rest!
Yeah, but it's not at rest because it is in, it is in relative movement with the car.
But not kinetically.
Ah, but if I were to slam the brakes, the kinetic energy would transfer to that ball. I don't, I don't know.
Now we're losing each other here a little bit.
I don't know.
Mathematics bitch.
Although it does have some roots in, um, science as well.
You don't know what you're talking about.
I am dark maga.
So, so if you hold that, hold this ball, right?
What you're saying is right, because I think.
That's it.
No, no, no.
Nope.
Nope. You got a tiny little piece right. If, if you're standing in the back of the pickup truck, right, and you're driving 70 miles an hour.
And you throw the ball in the air and you speed up, the ball's not gonna come right back down. Well, we also have to do this in a hypothetical where there's no wind. Like in a vacuum, the ball would come right back down. Like if you're inside the car.
Oh, vacuums.
Because wind pushes shit. I don't, fuck it, it's not my fault.
Fine, fine, fine. We're driving in a vacuum.
Forget the fucking back of the pickup truck. I'm in a car and you, you've done this. You have a ball in your hand.
Cars are vacuums, kind of, right?
So the car's going 70 miles an hour, right? And you throw a ball in the air, it comes right back down in your hand.
Yep.
But if you were not in this thing, right? And you threw it and you were going 70, the ball would go flying. But it doesn't happen inside of the car.
So, alright, so I hear what you're saying. So let's say we're in a party bus.
And how did you think that was going to change anything?
Let's say we're in a party bus and we're playing catch.
We're on a party bus, playing catch?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at the back of the party bus. You're at the front of the party bus.
And we're, the party bus is going 70 miles per hour.
Jesus, by the way.
We're dead. This thing better slow down.
By the way, bring back party buses?
I'm in.
Yeah, alright. Um. Remember when kids spit spitballs at our party bus?
Talk.
What party bus?
On the way to the wedding.
Kids spit spitballs at us?
Yeah, we were, and we were joking, we were gonna like, stop the bus and get out and chase them.
Oh. I honestly missed that, I didn't see it, but whatever.
Uh, but, we're playing, being dudes, playing catch with a baseball in a party bus. Party bus.
Typical guys.
Party bus is traveling 70 miles per hour.
Okay?
You could toss me the ball. What do you think Frank?
I think it's then gonna-
It's gonna go 70 miles an hour to my glove?
Are you fucking okay?
Obviously that's not gonna happen.
I think it might.
It won't.
Why?
Because I can't- Frank, I wouldn't be able to-
Alright, alright, alright. You're at the back of the bus. And then I'm in the front of the bus and I throw it as hard as I can. Is it getting the speed of the 70 plus my incredibly hard throwing speed?
Absolutely not.
Why not though?
Because of something that I can't name right now.
No. Hank Green is watching this and he's freaking out.
He is probably having a fucking panic attack.
He's probably having a fucking ball right now.
But listen.
Hank, I need your help.
I know. Call him.
Because you're not- I call- well, yeah, I, yeah.
You've, you've-
Yo Hank Green, by the way, I just wanna say this about this guy.
10 out of 10.
Love this guy. He DM'd me. I gave him my phone number. He will randomly text me.
Like, four, five months apart. A picture of an animal. That's weird.
That's awesome.
And then, and then I send one back and we have a quick conversation and that's it.
I'm kinda jealous, I'll be honest.
And then he'll throw one out like-
Can you message him right now and say, "Hey, need you for a science question."
No, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna.
I don't know, I just-
Alright, fair enough.
We were not on like, call you-
Well, you never know.
Frank, we're, we're, we're on a duck conversation level. I can't just call him.
He's just waiting for you to break the ice with a science question. This is what he does!
Frankie, you're not getting this right. I, I, I doubt you're getting this right.
I think if you were to- Let's-
Hold on. You, you're not an idiot.
I know, I know!
So don't cosplay.
But you're on-
Cosplay? Yeah, don't cosplay as a fucking moron.
I'm not cosplaying as an idiot. I really think-
So now you are an idiot.
So if we're on a bus and I'm in the back of the bus, near the disgusting toilet.
And you're-
Which always gets pissed all over.
Of course.
And then that one girl throws up all over it.
Mm-hmm. We know who you are. Erica.
I was gonna say Sarah.
Oh, alright, yeah, that works too.
Both white names.
Erica's mom- oh, you weren't at that party bus, were you?
Er- you were on a party bus with someone's mom?
Uh, we were on a party bus for a girl that we knew named Erica Sweet16. And I was stone cold sober and she stopped the bus to come up to me and smell my breath. She stuck her nose in my mouth.
Weird.
Was anyone drunk?
No, I wish I was drunk, I'll be honest. I'm just, you know, some of us have a good time because we're naturally just fun people.
Hmm, Frank.
Uh, but, okay. I'm in the back of the bus, and then you're in the front of the bus. We're traveling that way. Uh, I guess the other way would be with the speed. So, I'll be in the front of the bus, you be in the back of the bus. And I throw a baseball. You think that if I just go like this, it's gonna go 70 miles an hour?
No, but if you throw it hard, it will.
If I throw it as hard as I can?
Well, because it is moving, because it is...
Hold on, I'm on the verge of something here.
Frank, you know that that's not gonna happen.
I have a breakthrough here.
But you know that's not gonna happen.
But now, if you throw it, there are different forces acting upon it. Gravity, friction.
Frank, that doesn't mean anything.
Schrodinger's cat, he's back! The cat's back!
Whatever he's mentioning right now has nothing to do with your answer. You know that I'm not throwing this ball. If I threw the ball as hard as I could on a party bus, it's not going 140 miles an hour, Frank.
Let's get on a party bus and test this. I think that there is a test... The Mythbusters can help us out with this one. Let's...
Frank, a 7th grader could help us out with this one!
Let's get Hank Green, The Mythbusters, Neil deGrasse Tyson...
And every... Anyone over 8! Anyone over 8 years old!
I think if we put together that super team of people right there...
The Avengers of physics!
We might be able to figure this out.
To half-understand.
This might be, this might be the hardest question ever asked.
Um...
Frank, I promise it's not. But like, it's... No, it's what, bitch?
You know that it's not gonna happen. If I could throw a baseball 140 miles an hour on that bus, I would break the back of the bus.
Exactly.
That wouldn't happen.
Well, but I think it would. Because if you're throwing with this speed, if it is, because it is traveling in that direction, so if you throw it backwards at a, at a, at the same... It needs to be at the same or faster speed in order to really get it going. Right?
Base... Don't write. I'm not on your side.
Because I think, I'll be honest with you, I'm not fucking around here. I think that there's more to support my claim, we just can't figure it out because we're not scientists. Than there is to support your claim. No, Frank, explain then how, if I'm holding a baseball, and I throw it up in the air in a car, and it comes back down, why it doesn't go flying? Because it's not have enough time to like have another directional change be applied to it. If you were to throw it, listen. Oh, I'm listening. If you were to throw it higher, then gravity and stuff will slow it down, and then it'll move backward, or forward.
At 70 miles an hour? I don't know the exact speed, but I imagine that there's some addition. It's an addition of speed. You're adding speed to speed. That makes it faster, right? When you hit NAS, what happens? NAS?
This isn't a Fast and Furious movie. NAS! Tokyo Drift! Vin. We're on a first name. Are you talking to Mr. Diesel right now? Mr. Diesel. Mr. Diesel. We're on a first name basis, Vin and I. Now you have something for a fight scene in the next Fast and Furious movie. A baseball? Just like, get like a really cool baseball pitcher that also wants to be in movies. Uh... Let's use Emmanuel Classe as an example, closer for the Cleveland Guardians. He could throw hard. Get a fight scene between him and like a real bad guy, like someone like real bad,
played by like Mark Wahlberg or something, I don't know. And have the whole fight scene just be about Emmanuel Classe throwing baseballs to defend himself. Randy Johnson! There you go.
He's a photographer now.
I know, isn't that crazy?
It is crazy.
But also, guy's killed two birds.
Right. That was cool. Um, but yeah, no, that's not happening.
I, I think that there's some, some grounds to stand on there.
No, there isn't dude. You're just flat out wrong. I really am excited for people to figure that one out.
I hope the scientists in the, that watch this can help us out because it's, I don't know if you can tell, we are not able to deduce the correct answer. Uh, but our calculations-
One of us can't. Um-
No bitch, what the fuck do you know?
I know everything. Not everything, I don't know. I know like 4%.
You know like four of the things, yeah, I would say.
If there was a, a percentage on like all the universe's knowledge-
Of how much I know?
Less than 1%?
Yeah, there's no way. Any, anyone-
I don't think anyone is like 1%.
Even like I, let's, alright, let's say the earth knowledge.
What is the earth knowledge?
Like if we said a universe, of course, because the universe is ever expanding.
Frank, you could do, do, do United States, you could make it in New York, you can make it small.
In this room?
I don't know. I, I, 1%?
Do you think you know more about things than I do?
Do I think I know more about things than you?
If we were to just have like a general thing, like general trivia?
Not about a specific, like anything in particular, do you think you know more or less than me?
Yeah, that's a really good question because I, I wanna bury you here and, and-
But I can't, honestly.
Right. I don't-
And I think it, it speaks a lot to my knowledge to not do that.
Okay, there's no judges. We're gonna come with a answer.
Greg is still over there with those cue cards.
Greg is not here today. Um, yeah, I don't know. Cause you know, obviously about the things that you know, you know like everything about those things.
Not everything, but I, I try to, when I am into something, I try to get to know as much as I can, but as do you.
There are some things that you're just like,
you, there's, you have no knowledge of it whatsoever.
What is that? Yeah.
Modern music. Anything pop culture.
I, I wouldn't say no knowledge. I would say in the grand scheme of things.
4% knowledge.
Grand scheme of things, I would know all, not a lot.
Frank, if it wasn't downloaded at some point on an iPod Touch, you don't know it.
Okay, go on.
And I loved my iPod Touch, that was a good invention.
Yeah, I love how you're talking shit about iPod Touches.
I'm not talking about iPod Touch, I'm talking about the touch-
We have sponsors, we have more sponsors for today. That was insane.
That was crazy, honestly.
I almost ate my own face just now.
I didn't want to, I, good job, that's all I gotta say.
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I'm a big Skims guy.
He's a big Skims guy, okay? Uh, some of the most comfortable stuff I've ever put on my body.
Yeah, yeah, I would say, and
it looks, it looks good too. That's all I'm gonna say. I don't want to make any claims.
I know what you're saying.
It can't be backed by science, personally.
It looks good?
I look great.
It looks good on you.
I look okay, honestly.
Cause you're fully naked, I don't, I, I, I don't look great.
Oh, have more confidence.
Alright.
You look great, Frank.
You've never seen me fully naked.
Not in years. This is an ad. Skims, uh, they make very comfortable underwear and you've probably seen it for women, but they also make it for men. Alright, so for all you men out there, also, Christmas, right around the corner, right here. Get some Skims, some comfortable, uh... Underwear for your loved ones, okay? And they're breathable, okay? Nothing that's gonna make you all sweaty or anything like that. It's gonna be nice, okay? But shop at Skims Men, uh, shop Skims Men at skims.com. Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select Podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. So all you ladies out there, you want your men to look right? Go get them some Skims for Christmas, okay? Stuff that in the stocking.
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Very nice. Yeah, I don't, I don't wanna make any promises about Skims that I can't back up.
Yeah, cash a check that your mouth can't, what is it?
Write a check that your mouth can't cash.
Or don't ca, no, you can't cash a check that your mouth wrote.
I've never heard that one.
Oh, no, it's, that's not how you say it. But it's basically that's-
If you write a check that your-
Ass can't, no.
Ass can't cash? Is my ass the cash?
Where's the cash? Is it my mouth or my ass?
I think that's like, don't, don't write a check that your ass can't cash.
Don't write a check that you're, that you, you don't have the funds for.
It's not that your mouth-
Don't write a check on, on that will bounce off your ass.
No, that's, I mean, now we're getting further away.
Don't write a-
Don't-
Check-
Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash?
Don't let your mouth write checks your body can't cash. That one's too wordy too!
Don't write, what was the beginning of it? That's right.
Your mouth is writing a check, the rest of your body can't cash.
No, no, no, forget the body. What's the beginning of the one of that? What does it say?
Uh-
Don't write-
Don't let your mouth-
Write a check that your ass can't cash. That's the one.
Ah! So like- Like, don't, don't say something you can't back up, bitch.
First of all, how are we gonna figure out the science question? We can't even get that. We can't even get that correctly. Ridiculous.
I, I wish I was around when like those things were said for the first time, because you know so- someone goes, "Oh my god, that was pretty cool."
That was pretty cool.
"That was pretty sick dude."
There was someone like in a bar fight and he's like, "Don't write a check." I can't remember it now. "Don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash."
Yeah, did you ever hear the one from Blade? Have you ever, um...
Seen Blade?
Yeah, seen Blade.
Like Wesley Snipes Blade?
The only Blade to, uh, actually there was a TV show with Sticky Fingers, but yes, with, with, uh, with Wesley Snipes.
Sticky Fingers?
Yeah, I've seen Blade.
Uh, do you remember the line, the quote that he says from that movie?
Motherfucker.
He says a lot of motherfuckers in that movie.
But he says like, "Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill."
That's bars.
That is such a good line dude!
Anyone ever been on ice skates? Anyone ever tried to go uphill on ice skates?
Just making life difficult, like you're just trying to ice skate uphill, don't be a dumb bitch!
How is that not like an Olympic sport?
Ice skating uphill?
Yeah, like that's hard.
That is so unbelievably stupid!
Frank, we get in little truck, not trucks, but we get in little like, uh, sleds and slide down hills.
Yeah, go ahead. Belittle what your brother almost did in the Olympics. I can't wait till he gets ahold of this and he's just like, "What the hell?"
You know people who do bob sleds are actually savages, like they're big and strong as fuck.
How? You're just in a, you're in a sled dude.
Mo- I mean, the start is like a very important part.
You took a run with it. I'll be honest with you.
Faster than other Olympians!
I'll be, I'll be very honest with you.
Be honest with me.
I don't see the skill in bob sledding.
No, you have to drive it.
How? You shift? I've been in a water slide, I could be a fucking Olympic bob sledder.
You're an idiot!
No I'm not, how is that stupid?
You have to push the thing.
Okay, run with it and jump in.
Hmm.
I've done it on tubes. I've done it on tubes at Mammoth Falls and Lake Compounds.
Say tubes again.
Tubes.
Why do you say it like that?
Tubes. Tubes.
Also, it's about being better than everyone at that thing. Are you not, you don't think that swimming's impressive?
Of course it's impressive.
Oh, we're about track and field, it's just running. It's a full body workout, and track and field, you need, you need great stamina, you need to be fast, you need, you know, muscles.
So, okay.
You get in, you get in a, you get in a little, you push it?
You run and you push this heavy sled.
And then you sit in a little, little fucking pod.
And then you have to, there's, there's, uh, like a steering something.
Oh, man, so I could be an Olympic fucking player of Need for Speed Underground 2 because I just gotta steer something?
Oh my god, I'm gonna get someone who's on a bobsaw team to come here and turn you upside down and shake money out of your pockets.
Like I'm a bull, like I'm being bullied in a 1985 movie?
Yes, the biggest person I've ever seen, not the biggest person I've ever seen, but like the most athletic looking person I've ever seen was a bobsaw guy.
Yeah, I don't care. You know what I did the other day that brought me right back? I went and used a-
You went downstairs and played with your little action figures and it brought you back to second grade?
What else?
One day, I'm gonna leap across this desk and I'm going to beat you with the power of 30 years of Megazord playing hands, okay?
Megazord playing hands.
Um, I was going to say, I used a vending machine and I had to do that thing with the dollar where I had to like-
Which one, which one, oh, you had to-
Where I had to straighten it out.
Cause you put it in?
I put it in and it spat it back out at me.
I hate when there are bitches about it.
Dude, I went to a vending machine a couple of weeks ago,
put the dollar in and it gave me two dollar coins. It wouldn't take my paper money.
What the fuck?
I don't know, I was so confused. I was like, "What the hell going on?"
What the hell going on?
What the hell?
I get so mad at vending machines, because it almost feels like the vending machine makes that call, like it's like a person in there being like, "No", and you're like, "Just take it, it's real."
Yeah, I don't, I, but it felt so good doing that again, just like, "Uh, uh, uh, uh."
Just like ironing out this dollar.
You know like cartoons when they like dry off?
Oh, and he's like, "Wee, wee."
Do you do that?
Uh, I'll do it for fun.
I've, I've done it before.
I've done it.
Yeah, whatever.
That's not how I dry my butt, though.
And it never comes out polished. Anytime cartoon characters do that, they do that to their butt, and then it like, it shows like a
A shine?
A clean shine on their butt.
Yeah. Are you watching porn?
No. You've never seen like Ren and Stimpy, they would do that?
Wow, yeah, Ren and Stimpy.
Um, but yeah, which, what kind of vending machine was it? Was it the one with like the little carrying case?
No, it was the, the little twirly twirls.
Those are whack.
It was okay, I didn't mind it.
Yeah, I don't love those.
Yeah, it was cool.
I like the ones that like have the little, "Oh, shirt, oh shirt", and then it brings it down.
No, we talked about this recently, I like the ones that have the vacuum on them. It's like the dipping dots one where it like opens and it's like
and it like fucking sucks the life out of it and brings it into the little thing.
That's what it does.
Yeah, yeah, I don't, yeah, I guess.
How much is vending machine stuff now? Is it like mad expensive?
Yeah, like a bag of chips is like a dollar twenty-five. A dollar fifty, for the twenty-five cent bag of chips. Back in the day, you could go into the corner-
Two items, one dollar.
Not, not even that, you can go to the corner store, to the delis by us, for a dollar, a dollar, you can get three bags of chips and a fucking drink.
A little drink, yeah.
The little barrels.
Little barrels.
The barrels, babe.
The barrels of poison, yes.
Yeah, yeah, they were, they were, they were not good, they were not, they were not real.
I don't know what they were.
Me neither, but I remember I, I used to, I think I told you this, but I remember I bought like a squeeze, one of those squeeze drinks, it was like a fruity squeeze, squeeze drink or whatever, and, um... I was, I think I was like picking you up from school, middle school. And I was walking over with that and someone called me gay. Because they said that it kills sperm, so I'm gay.
Yeah dude.
It's like, yo, if you're drinking that, that kills your sperm, so you're gay.
And I'm like, where is the math in that?
Let's unpack the logic there.
Yeah, I don't get it.
Who's the sperm for?
A woman.
So.
So if I'm killing the sperm, but like, I could still have sex with women.
But also, if you're like worried about your sperm, you probably would've got called gay too.
If I was worried about it?
Yeah. Why are you so worried about your nuts dude?
Yeah, we're in seventh, sixth, seventh grade. Dude, what are we doing?
It was a minefield to navigate.
Middle school as a fucking kid in 2004, 2005.
Yeah dude, you're gay every other period.
Even if you were doing something like, I remember, I was in sixth grade, I tried to be romantic. And like, I would like.
See, that's gay.
Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah, like already, whatever you did.
Hugging your mom was gay, like. Yeah, it was, it was really, you know, it was tough. It was really hard for us.
We fought through the.
Straight, young men.
Who, who are sensitive and like to cry, like to hug.
You know, and had to be openly heterosexual. It was really hard for us.
You get it?
Especially me, white. White? Oh man.
How did you even navigate the world dude?
I don't know how I made it through, but some of, you know, God sends his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
Wow.
That was, you actually got that one out flawless.
I was starting to speak slow, because I was like, let me get this.
God is the toughest.
Doing that. I was like, God sends his toughest battles for the strongest.
Yeah, that's true. I tell myself that anytime I get a stomach ache.
Every time you get a stomach ache?
You say, "Oh, man, I just gotta get through this."
This is a big bad bad tummy ache.
When you get like a flu or something, you're like, "Yo, God."
No, I'm not a big-
You don't cut deals?
I don't cut deals.
Bro, I cut deals with the Lord.
You still speak to the Lord?
I, when I'm throwing up, I'll be like, "Yo, if you just get me through this, like, I'll change."
I do the classic, I'll do, "Change."
I swear, yo, that's a real thing that I do.
I'll do the classic thing where like, when my nose is stuffed, I'm like, "Oh." "I took for granted all those times where my nose wasn't stuffed."
Yeah, yeah, I'll go like a rant, being like, "You know, I just wanted my nostril back."
Yeah, it was, it's, it's been, uh, I do that. I don't bargain though. Like, you bargain for good health? I think that's the opposite of what you should be doing.
Are you saying "barden"?
Bargain.
Oh, I think you're saying "barden." I was like, first of all, I'm not barging.
It would also be "bartering."
Yeah, well, bartering, but I don't have an item to give.
You do.
My faith, I guess?
You're giving, yeah, that's what you're giving.
I'm like, "Yo, God, just get me through this, like, I'll fix it."
Damn, God, wherever you are.
All around us, so I can just do one of these.
You look down, so I don't know who you're praying to.
All around us, bitch.
God.
This guy over here is just trying-
To not throw up.
To not throw up. That's where, that's where his faith starts and stops.
Sometimes I like throwing up.
And me, on the other hand, I don't talk to you ever.
Yeah, sometimes I like throwing up, though.
Hate it.
Do you get carsick?
You know, recently I've started, but I don't like throw up. I just get like a little dizzy and I shut my eyes.
Hopefully you're not driving.
No, oh, I never get carsick when I'm driving. If I'm not in the-
Espo's like that. He's like, "Yo, I gotta sit in the front seat, I get carsick."
I, I'm like that. Do you remember in, what, what show was it? One of the shows we went to, I sat in the very, very back, and it must have been one of the fucking insane drivers that we had.
It was probably Texas.
And like, I said, remember I said, I was like, "Yo, chill out, dude."
Yeah, the drivers in Texas are not-
Scared to go 100.
And since then, I said, I was like, "I need to sit in the front, 'cause I got pretty carsick." I think it might have been LA, actually, because of the, um, like, the hill where we stayed.
It was very loop-de-loop.
It was loop-de-loop-dees. So, um, yeah, but they say like, chew minty gum, and that can help a lot.
Yeah, that's what they say.
I've never heard of that.
I don't get carsick, though.
Consider yourself lucky.
Do you get, do you have a, like a, like a gag reflex?
We're not doing this again.
By the way, every- Eight days, I'll get the video of you shoving your fingers down your throat.
Merry Christmas.
And I always think about, because now there's so many pages that post our shit.
And I appreciate all you guys.
You guys are helping the show grow, but, uh... And it's just so funny to imagine, like, people who have no idea who we are, for the first time, will see something like that.
That's the clip they see.
And they're like, "What the fuck was that?"
There was, uh, one clip that I saw that would, like, someone was putting together, like, a basement yard alphabet.
I saw that too!
A is for, and then there, I think that was for, like, W, it was like, W is for "WHAT!", you know, or something like that.
Yeah, I saw the alphabet, where it was like, A is for whatever, and B, yeah.
Speaking of alphabet, Elphaba, you excited for Wicked?
First of all, we already talked about this.
I know, but it comes out soon, it comes out in the next week, I think.
I know.
Uh, this weekend, I think it's, it comes out.
What if, I'm gonna make you go.
I have, I'll wait till streaming.
You're not...
I'll wait till streaming.
Your tickets are gonna show up at your door, though.
I have a very busy weekend.
Oh, who's gonna, yeah, like, any other day?
I don't...
Matinee, baby.
I don't really know if I...
Maybe you live in one of those towns where they do it for free.
No, they do $5 movie Wednesdays, though.
I went and saw two movies in one day, one time.
Be cool if you didn't shoot finger guns at me, because it's not $19.98.
I went and saw two movies on a Tuesday, one, one time.
Two in a row?
Yeah. It was...
How much popcorn did you eat?
Yeah, not, it was more nachos.
You get extra butter?
No, I don't. Movie theater butter makes me sick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I did slam about two of those fucking, two, two plates of those Pretzel Bites, bitch.
I was gonna say, I don't even go nachos, I go straight Pretzel Bites.
Pretzel Bites, popcorn, big Coca-Cola.
Big fat Coca-Cola.
I'm an easy boy, man.
The small things in life.
Coca-Cola?
It's a gigantic company dude.
You see they have Coca-Cola flavored Oreos? I'm gonna make you try those.
That sounds disgusting. Also, I think I actually saw like Coca-Cola like made a commercial but it was like strictly AI.
People are not happy with that boy.
But like, I watched it, I was like, what about this?
The whole commercial?
But it's like a cartoon.
No, like the people are... And they say that like, you're, the animators...
Bro!
Oh wait, I think I know where you're going with this. I think I know where you're going with this.
Do you know?
The Chernobyl videos?
That's not what I was gonna say.
Okay, alright, what? I saw a thing where it's like these two podcasters.
Oh, and they find out that they're AI?
But they find out that they're AI. And they're like, "So, we just found out some news." And then they're like talking to each other about, "Apparently we're not real, apparently whatever." And I'm just like, "That was the moment where I was like, are we in a simulator?"
Because it's happening to them! Maybe we're them!
Yeah, it's a...
And then someone's watching me!
I, uh, people have been posting like videos, they're clearly AI but they're like Chernobyl videos.
Oh dude, what the fuck is that? Is that a bug? Oh, it's a spider. Frankie, turn it off.
It's a spider, I'm not looking at it.
Look, just look, just look.
I'm not looking at it. I'm not looking at it because it's gonna jump at her, isn't it?
Alright, look at this one.
Someone in a sewer.
Is there animals?
It's a sewer, no, it's a sewer.
Is there bugs?
Joey, just watch.
There's a girl crawling and then, what was that, a crab?
Yeah, I don't know what it was.
Frankie! Frankie!
Yo dude, I'm, dude, I, I don't even know what to say. If that were to happen to me, it's like these AI videos of someone crawling through a fucking crawl space and there's a fucking, there's a fucking, uh...
Frank, stop showing those videos.
Why? They're pretty cool.
How does that not freak you out?
I mean, because I know it's fake. If it were real...
I just don't like watching shit crawl.
I saw one that I need to show you.
No, I'm not doing this.
It was like a London sewer.
Creepy crawly shit is just not for me.
It was a London sewer one?
Not me.
No, O'Money. It's time to re-watch, babe.
Frank, hold on.
Time to re-watch.
Oh no, oh no. What the fuck is that? No. Frank, last thing I want to say. Last thing I want to say.
Oh god.
Isn't it crazy? I was about to yell at you. Um, but isn't it crazy that when we were younger and we saw Harry Potter, it was like, me and you had that inside joke about that scene, and then the internet felt that too?
Yeah, baby.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah, man.
Where it's like, when we were younger, before there was TikTok or any of this shit, it was like, we would always make fun of like, "Not me, not O'Money, you." And then it became a thing, and I'm like, "Oh, the world feels just like us."
Do you remember when any time, any time we'd be like playing sports and Keith would do something, we would scream at the top of our lungs, "10 points for Gryffindor."
Yeah. That was fun.
Uh, time to re-watch those movies. Although, don't condone some of the crazy stuff that J.K. Rowling has said. Those movies are great.
They're, they're...
Maybe the best movie series ever.
Your favorite. Say that.
You could say that.
But like, I could stand on that if I want, like...
Can you?
What's better than it?
Uh...
The Dark Knight trilogy?
No, it ain't, dude. Bro, show me three movies...
Eight hits in a row.
Show me, show me three, uh, that's a little loose.
Okay, there was one bad one.
There's, you know...
Show me any of the three Harry Potter movies. Don't get me wrong, I love Harry Potter.
Show me any three that even stand, even, even, like, artistically, close to what the Dark Knight trilogy did.
Artistically?
Well, that's what you want. That's how we're rating the scales.
I'm saying it was the best series.
I think you're a dumb bitch.
That much is clear.
Alright, well I guess that's it. Um, but Frank, where can they find you?
You can find me at Gringotts, going on, uh, after I cross over pla- platform nine and three quarters. Dude, I'm gonna, again, free plug here. Do you ever heard of New Rockstars?
Their team is doing like a full breakdown of all the Harry Potter movies right now. Because you know they're coming out with a show, right?
Yeah, and I'm fucking hype.
Yeah, and every season is gonna be one of the books.
That's so cool.
Yeah, you're so pumped?
I s- and they're making a new video game too. Fucking destroying that.
Let's go replay, let's go replay, uh, you know, what was it? Uh, Hogwarts Legacy.
I never finished it.
I did.
You know, never finished it.
Loved it.
Yeah, it was fun.
I lo- I would just fly in my broom and beat up trolls.
Uh, Hippogriff.
You're flying a Hippogriff.
What was it? I forgot my guy's name was, but it was something stupid.
I don't remember mine either. It might have just been my name, I'm a loser.
Do me a favor, redo the game, but name it after what you think J.K. Rowling would have named the character.
I mean, she named all the characters.
But I'm saying like, what she would, instead of it being Joe Santagato. Because I could almost guarantee that such a wizard, Joe Santagato is here!
It's such a whack thing to do.
Yeah, it sucks dude.
Yeah, it does suck.
What are you gonna do? Uh, where can they find you?
FAlvers885 on Twitter, theFrankAlvers, and all the forums and social media. Go check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. We love you, we appreciate you, we thank you, we wanna kiss you and hug you, metaphorically, so.
Yeah, otherwise too much germs.
Too much.
You guys can follow me at Joe Santagato, go follow the show at TheBasementYard on TikTok and Instagram. Uh, and that is all. See you guys next time.
Fame isn't everything. Potter.
Not bad.
D minus.
Page updated November 6, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated