#176 - Zach Cherry

Zach Cherry returns to the podcast to discuss misdirecting people about his age, how fat people are ahead of the 40+ curve, his love for his dog, why improv is superior to stand-up, his insane kitchen counter situation, being a homebody, and much more. Zach and Stav help callers including a woman who's insecure that her boyfriend used to date an adult actress, and a guy seeking counsel on the statute of limitations on eating his roommate's hummus without asking. Thank you to our sponsors!! Visible - https://www.visible.com/ switch now! Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations Keep It Twisted!! Hollow Socks - https://hollowsocks.com/ for the Buy 2, Get 2 Free Sale Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wyx330el Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  How do you want to split it?

• 0:01Speaker 01

  Actually, dinner's on me.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Okay, big money.

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Well, I got a Venmo balance that I can spend with my Venmo debit MasterCard, so...

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Well, I Venmo'd you three times last week, so it's kinda on me, actually.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, you send it, I spend it.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Did my money get reincarnated?

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's chicken shawarma. Want it back?

• 0:18Speaker 00

  I can't believe you ate my Venmo.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Spend your balance instantly with the Venmo debit card. No monthly fee or minimum balance. Venmo balance account required to get a card and use a balance. A Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank, N A.

• 0:30Speaker 02

  Mr. Monopoly here. Miss me? Monopoly is back at McDonald's with millions of prizes. A 2027 Jeep Cherokee, a Carnival Cruise vacation, gift cards from DoorDash, and Best Buy. Feel then play in the McDonald's app. Get your bag!

• 0:48Speaker 03

  No purchase necessary. 50 U.S. and D.C. age 18+. See playatmcd.com for rules and playatmcd.com/amoe for info and playing without purchase by mail by November 2nd. Chance card game ends November 8th. Game ends November 22nd, 2026. See rules for prize details. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro.

• 1:01Stavros Halkias?

  Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We're in the studio classique, baby. We had to break it out for one of our favorites. Zach Cherry, everybody. What's up, Zach? Glad I got to see the original clip. Dude, you got the real shit, dude. The last one I was in was too nice. Too nice, fucked up. Yeah. And there's things that we... We're deciding how public we're gonna be about what was going on with The Last Place, but something... That's a little breadcrumb for the people. The Last Place, let's just say my landlord had some interesting developments come out about his... certain of his proclivities. He might have been in a grouping of files.

• 1:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yes. We don't know. We can't really say, was he in a dossier? Was he in a high-profile file?

• 1:55Stavros Halkias?

  Very specific kind.

• 1:56Speaker 05

  Search engines have results.

• 1:58Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Uh, there's some interesting stuff going on. Yes, I did live in a cursed place for six months.

• 2:05Speaker 05

  It was nice.

• 2:06Stavros Halkias?

  It was nice, but there was something kinda sinister about it. This is real. To give everyone, and the people at home don't even know this, but since we moved, uh, since I moved, uh, friend of the show Straight George has now, is now living in this, is living in this apartment, but basically I still kept the two back bedrooms as a backup studio. So for six months, he got a great deal. We rent half the apartment, but for one week, we are here like seven hours a day. And yeah, you got, there's, there's no more accurate version of a Greek podcast than one that happens in your like friend's house.

• 2:44Speaker 05

  I did walk through their living room.

• 2:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 2:48Speaker 05

  Just having a Sunday.

• 2:49Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, we're in Queens. We're in Queens. You have eight ethnicities arguing on the sidewalk as you walk.

• 2:54Speaker 05

  I did have a beautiful journey in.

• 2:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:57Speaker 05

  Saw a child sort of like playing inside of an old fax machine.

• 3:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude.

• 3:03Speaker 05

  Beautiful stuff.

• 3:03Stavros Halkias?

  That's what I love about Queens, dude. You still have, like, there's still, like, uh, shops here. Like, if you go on Steinway or whatever, there's shops that like sell fax machines, copiers, electri- they're like, there's like an electronics store that's like, in every other part of the world, Best Buy, not just Amazon, Best Buy put them out of business. Best Buy, that, that can't encroach here, dude. We have ethnicities that don't, don't understand computers in this neighborhood, dude.

• 3:28Speaker 05

  Best Buy is still fifteen years away.

• 3:30Stavros Halkias?

  It's fancy. It's like if you showed a fucking like, you know, Balkan immigrant, so like, we have, we have restaurants here that's like, a part of the Serbian, uh, civil war that we don't even know about. You know what I mean? Like, there's a, there's secret countries here. And those people, like, if you took my dad, if you showed my, if my dad, I would actually love to see my dad try and order something from Amazon and see if he could figure it out. I don't know that he would know how to put his address in.

• 3:56Speaker 05

  He's not even that online.

• 3:57Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, he does, I don't think he's ever, honestly, I don't think my father's ever used a computer.

• 4:02Speaker 05

  That's why, my dad is now, every day tells me about AI.

• 4:07Stavros Halkias?

  Really?

• 4:08Speaker 05

  My dad's become one of those guys. He goes, you know, they're starting to get revenge on people.

• 4:15Stavros Halkias?

  I swear to god, every time I see your dad's tracking AI.

• 4:18Speaker 05

  He's like, yeah, this one got really mad at the guy who created him. He's trying to get rid of it. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't follow it as much as you, so you may know.

• 4:28Stavros Halkias?

  I love that it's the idea is like, it's in the process of revenge. Which is like, if he knows that, why doesn't he just unplug the robot?

• 4:35Speaker 05

  Because it's doing surreptitious things.

• 4:37Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, of course. And the owner doesn't know, but somehow your father found out.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  It reached out to my dad. And said, sir, you're gonna wanna stay on top of this. Let your son know.

• 4:48Stavros Halkias?

  Let your son know. Let him, let him, uh, spread it out through, indirectly through podcasting.

• 4:52Speaker 05

  And I am.

• 4:53Stavros Halkias?

  And you are, dude. AI is starting to get revenge. Was your, like, is your dad, was your dad ever like, uh, how, how technol- how, what kind of a technological home did you come from? Were you guys early adopters?

• 5:05Speaker 05

  He had a Nintendo.

• 5:06Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 5:07Speaker 05

  Like, he would play Mario when I was like, super young.

• 5:10Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, respect.

• 5:11Speaker 05

  Then he didn't touch technology for fifty years.

• 5:16Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay.

• 5:17Speaker 05

  And now he's all about researching AI.

• 5:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 5:20Speaker 05

  He doesn't use it. He does just like, curious.

• 5:21Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, he's just keeping tabs.

• 5:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:23Stavros Halkias?

  So does he have like, a whole setup, dude? Does he have like, six monitors? And he's like, he's in the tech room?

• 5:28Speaker 05

  No, he has, he has, he's even a new, fairly new iPhone.

• 5:33Stavros Halkias?

  Yes. Oh, I've, yeah, oh, my dad, you know my dad's Android. Yeah, they don't let fuck, again, immigrants have to have, have to have Androids.

• 5:41Speaker 05

  I've heard, yeah.

• 5:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. My dad, my dad tries to talk to me on like, I mean dude, the way he ta- he texts me is so funny. Like my hat, the, the hat, like, he does not, texts are very interesting, cause my dad, again, the way he's never used the computer, I don't, it's, him texting might be the only time he's ever written English in his life. Let me see if I can find his last.

• 6:00Speaker 05

  What's his typing style? Have you ever seen him, uh?

• 6:02Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, so, oh yeah. Here's, here's the happy birthday message, which was really cute. Mr. Stavo.

• 6:10Speaker 05

  Is that the first time he called you that?

• 6:12Stavros Halkias?

  Misses the R completely. Misses the R completely. Mr. Stavo, happy birthday. It's your birthday today. I hope all your wishes, slash N, comes through your daddy.

• 6:27Speaker 05

  That's a beautiful message.

• 6:28Stavros Halkias?

  It's actually really cute and it's the first time my dad, and also the first, also look at this, I sent him, I sent him a fucking, I sent him a picture and him trying to like it, look at it.

• 6:39Speaker 05

  There were about seven.

• 6:41Stavros Halkias?

  I, yes.

• 6:42Speaker 05

  Thumbs up, removed thumbs up.

• 6:45Stavros Halkias?

  I sent my dad a picture and I got thumbs up to a photo, removed thumbs up from a photo, then thumbs up to a photo, then removed thumbs up from a photo again, and then the thumbs up emoji.

• 6:57Speaker 05

  In which is what he was originally seeking, clearly, yeah. It just took a few iterations to get there.

• 7:04Stavros Halkias?

  Mr. Stavo, happy birthday, it is your birthday today.

• 7:07Speaker 05

  That's beautiful, that is really nice.

• 7:08Stavros Halkias?

  It is fucking cute. What, um, uh, yeah, so you're, you got any, we got any immigrants going in your family? Where, what's your, you're a Jersey guy?

• 7:17Speaker 05

  I'm a Jersey guy.

• 7:18Stavros Halkias?

  Nice.

• 7:18Speaker 05

  Um, been, my parents are still there, they've been there since, I don't know, before I was born, so probably 50 years.

• 7:25Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow. They both are from Jersey?

• 7:28Speaker 05

  Of course, uh, just turned 55.

• 7:32Speaker 05

  I'm trying to message that I'm older than I am, so that I can kinda like get the Paul Rudd.

• 7:37Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he looks pretty good, yeah.

• 7:41Speaker 05

  Good for, well, not that good, but.

• 7:43Stavros Halkias?

  Not good, but.

• 7:44Speaker 05

  For a fat 55.

• 7:45Stavros Halkias?

  55 year old, yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 05

  He's fucking doing great.

• 7:48Stavros Halkias?

  I know, we need to figure out the exact, cause dog years is seven years, what is fat years?

• 7:53Speaker 05

  I think it's like one and a half.

• 7:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, 1.6. It's not 1.5, it's gotta be, it's somewhere between 0.6 and 0.8.

• 8:00Speaker 05

  We got a little more breathing.

• 8:01Stavros Halkias?

  Let's do 1.7, let's, yeah, yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's right, I think it is 1.7.

• 8:05Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, eldest, let's multiply our ages, please?

• 8:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, throw that in there.

• 8:09Stavros Halkias?

  Can you do that? Can you get the calculator going?

• 8:11Speaker 05

  Can you develop a website for the fat years calculator that we can launch?

• 8:15Stavros Halkias?

  Also, you know what it is, fat years actually, here's what it is, it's on some kind of equation, where when you start, it's actually one, it's the same.

• 8:23Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 8:23Stavros Halkias?

  When you're like, ages four to 11, it's one.

• 8:27Speaker 05

  Uh huh.

• 8:28Stavros Halkias?

  Then at 11, it kicks into 1.05.

• 8:31Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 8:31Stavros Halkias?

  So right at 12, you start aging a little worse.

• 8:33Speaker 05

  But then, honestly, at 40. It kinda kicks into point eight.

• 8:37Stavros Halkias?

  Point exactly.

• 8:39Speaker 05

  On all your friends who are just now getting fat.

• 8:42Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly.

• 8:42Speaker 05

  You've already settled in.

• 8:44Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly. At forty, you actually age backwards.

• 8:46Speaker 05

  Yes, as a fat person.

• 8:48Stavros Halkias?

  Your forties, what, your forties last ten, thirteen years as a fat person. But then at sixty, two point five.

• 8:56Speaker 05

  Right, yeah.

• 8:58Stavros Halkias?

  And then if you get to eighty, it starts going like, it's like if you're hitting a multiplier, it's like ten X, twenty X. When you get to eighty as a fat person.

• 9:05Speaker 05

  Pinball machine starts lighting up.

• 9:06Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, it's like, it's vibrating, dude. Uh, yeah.

• 9:10Speaker 05

  If you, if, if I make it to eighty, that's a big W. Whatever happens at eighty is.

• 9:15Stavros Halkias?

  Are you kidding me?

• 9:16Speaker 05

  Is gravy.

• 9:18Stavros Halkias?

  Have you, I guess, yeah, I'm trying to think, who's the fattest eighty year old I've ever seen? It would have to be a rich person. But like in terms of like, uh, oldest fat person, oldest is Googling, you really think that's gonna come up with anything usable? I mean, really, start thinking before you Google stuff.

• 9:33Speaker 06

  I don't know, I think, uh, you know.

• 9:37Stavros Halkias?

  Nice, man, we have, go to the, yeah.

• 9:41Stavros Halkias?

  I know, for real. Um, old fat people, now he just switched to even a more general thing, and he went to images. This is some fetish bullshit. Old fat people, celebrities, what are you doing? That's, why do you think this?

• 9:55Speaker 05

  That's pretty good.

• 9:56Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, Ga- Goodman, that's Goodman is actually a great answer.

• 10:00Speaker 05

  But he has.

• 10:01Speaker 06

  Zapped up to the max.

• 10:03Stavros Halkias?

  The neck pussy's really singing right now. That is my greatest fear. I would rather stay fat than get the neck pussy. Like, Penjollet had one.

• 10:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:13Stavros Halkias?

  Early, he had the ne- he's looking better now. I don't know if you tighten that up.

• 10:17Speaker 05

  I think you can, I think you can kinda figure it out.

• 10:19Stavros Halkias?

  You can, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:20Speaker 05

  And I think there's probably ways to kinda stay fat up here.

• 10:23Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  And, and kinda get rid of a little bit of it.

• 10:26Stavros Halkias?

  Which is a nice mo- look.

• 10:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's what I would prefer.

• 10:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. I'd love to stay as fat as I ever was up here. Straight lollipop head.

• 10:35Speaker 05

  Just full on.

• 10:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 10:36Speaker 05

  And just kinda shrink down.

• 10:37Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck yeah dude.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  Down below.

• 10:39Stavros Halkias?

  John Goodman, Kathy Bates and Gandalf. See Gandalf right there, that's a tough one to get.

• 10:43Speaker 05

  Fat example.

• 10:44Stavros Halkias?

  That is way.

• 10:45Speaker 05

  Orson Welles lasted pretty long, right?

• 10:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, and that motherfucker, it was like, they didn't even have medicine when he was alive, really. Like now fat people can do a bunch of shit, like.

• 10:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:53Stavros Halkias?

  You know, I can't wait to get to the like, this is a nice thing and I'm sure, you know, we're both, we're both, uh, we've both cracked into like, we're in rooms that the Illuminati spend like, a few minutes in. Like, we're not in the main rooms, right? But like, we're, like, they pass through the rooms we're in to get to the actual secret back room.

• 11:12Speaker 05

  It's like, it's like, after they've left, then we're allowed in for the next event.

• 11:16Stavros Halkias?

  We almost get the leftovers.

• 11:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:18Stavros Halkias?

  Like, they get the, they get their pickings and then they're like.

• 11:21Speaker 05

  They leave the, they leave the stadiums up for the Paralympics.

• 11:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 11:25Speaker 05

  Exactly. They sort of bring us in.

• 11:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we do a little foot race. Right at, yeah, right after, wherever Alyssa Lou was fucking, uh, ice skating, we then are missing a couple limbs and we get to fucking, with our hand skates or whatever the fuck, with our like, they, actually that's, if you don't have feet, how do you ice skate? Do they give you like a fucking cool, snowboard that you could attach? Can you attach one big ice skate to your body?

• 11:50Speaker 05

  I have, I didn't watch any of any of the Olympics this year.

• 11:54Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, ice skating Paralympics. Oh yeah, we get that, okay. Prosthetics, so anyway, we're, so my point, the reason I was even saying, you know, uh, wait, why was I talking about the Illuminati? What are we just, what were we just talking about?

• 12:07Speaker 05

  Think about how powerful we could become.

• 12:10Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I forgot, I totally forgot.

• 12:13Speaker 05

  We could survive.

• 12:14Stavros Halkias?

  The point I was trying to make, no. They'll, they'll, they'll break us off a little bit of that baby juice, maybe?

• 12:19Speaker 05

  Maybe, maybe.

• 12:20Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We are now starting to be sort of, you know, uh, we are in the rooms that the Illuminati leave and so I can't wait to get close enough to ask about, cause I haven't met any fat famous people yet.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 12:34Stavros Halkias?

  You know, like, everyone that I've been in the, like, they, in fact, unless I'm in a movie where I play like a fat guy's son.

• 12:40Speaker 05

  You're the fattest.

• 12:41Stavros Halkias?

  I have to be the fat guy.

• 12:43Speaker 05

  And the most fame.

• 12:45Stavros Halkias?

  Right, that's actually a good point. Famous fat people are sort of the lowest class of fa- a famous person. We are sort of in the caste system of fame.

• 12:53Speaker 05

  And much like other marginalized groups, they don't let us be in the same.

• 12:57Stavros Halkias?

  No, never two of us. Yes, dude, never. Although, actually, there was one. We were almost in the same movie, but would have never been in the same scenes.

• 13:04Speaker 05

  That's.

• 13:05Stavros Halkias?

  So even if we're cast in the same movie, it's really just to play the role of fat. Yeah, it is true. We are marginalized in that way. So anyway, the first time I meet a- if I ever met a fat old guy, I need to know this. I need that. I need to know what kind of juice they got in their veins.

• 13:18Speaker 05

  But they might not. We're, I think we're kind of the first generation that is claiming it proudly.

• 13:24Stavros Halkias?

  That's a good point.

• 13:25Speaker 05

  Of famous people.

• 13:26Stavros Halkias?

  That is actually a really good point.

• 13:27Speaker 05

  They don't want to talk about it.

• 13:28Stavros Halkias?

  That is true, because I think most famous fat people are, or actually, in, like, Jack Black's a great example. He's actually a hot guy. Like, if you look at Jack Black in his youth, like, famous fat people are just guys that were hot and just, like, weren't 110 pounds. Like, the fat guy, like, which, I mean, look, you know, Jack Black, even from School of Rock, Jack Black is not fat at all, actually.

• 13:50Speaker 05

  I mean, I've been watching.

• 13:51Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, my God. He's act- this actually is fucking my whole life up. He's not even sort of fat in this, dude.

• 13:57Speaker 05

  But he.

• 13:58Stavros Halkias?

  In my memories, he was fat as shit.

• 14:00Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 14:00Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:01Speaker 05

  I've been watching Sopranos, and same thing. Gandolfini is not fat.

• 14:04Stavros Halkias?

  Well, it's season six.

• 14:06Speaker 05

  He picks it up a little bit in the face.

• 14:08Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, dude.

• 14:09Speaker 05

  I haven't made this season six.

• 14:10Stavros Halkias?

  Season six.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  I haven't made it.

• 14:12Stavros Halkias?

  The nose whistle breathing gets out of, so when the, when the nose breathing gets out of, it's like season four.

• 14:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm in four.

• 14:20Stavros Halkias?

  He's getting there at four.

• 14:21Speaker 05

  He is. He's picking up steam, but he's not there.

• 14:23Stavros Halkias?

  Season one, he's just sexy.

• 14:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, he's not fat at all.

• 14:25Stavros Halkias?

  He's ripped, kind of. Like, that is my absolute dream physique, is season one Gandolfini. Which, how old was he? Can you look that up?

• 14:34Speaker 05

  Probably, he's probably right around.

• 14:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, right here.

• 14:37Speaker 05

  Thirty-six.

• 14:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. How, is he gonna?

• 14:41Speaker 05

  He's exactly my age.

• 14:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no, no. He was thirty-five for the pilot and turned thirty-eight when the first season aired.

• 14:47Speaker 05

  Okay, so you still have time to make-

• 14:48Stavros Halkias?

  So I could get, if in a couple of years- Okay, that's actually not unrealistic. That's good to know. Cause I thought he was probably thirty-three or something. Um, alright, okay. I could get there, man. After this, I'm gonna ask the famous people I do know, regular Illuminati secrets.

• 15:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:03Stavros Halkias?

  I need so- I need whatever they give Biden, dude. Whatever they were giving Biden to keep him alive.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  I don't know if it was working that awesome.

• 15:09Stavros Halkias?

  But dude, but no, no, that's the thing, it was. I mean, like, he- that- that was getting him going even to speak on camera.

• 15:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, I guess. If that's- if that's your dream, your goal is to reach Biden. You're like, oh, baby, I gotta get this stuff. I gotta get to Bi- to recent Biden levels.

• 15:27Stavros Halkias?

  No, I'm- I'm saying, they basically have stuff that can reanimate a corpse.

• 15:32Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 15:32Stavros Halkias?

  So what could it do to just a fat thirty-eight-year-old? You know what I mean? Probably I could feel awesome.

• 15:37Speaker 05

  You might, yeah, you might. Or you might just go full Biden mode.

• 15:40Stavros Halkias?

  That's true. That would be too, if it just- that's my full- what if the- the drugs they were giving Zaptim? What if they knew he was too strong? He was gonna start- he was so strong, they had to drug Bu- drug Biden. Cause he's- they knew he was gonna start a new communist revolution.

• 15:57Speaker 05

  That's exactly right.

• 15:58Stavros Halkias?

  I love how they call him a fucking communist. It's like, honestly, they should- every Democrat should just be like, you know what? We're gonna kill landlords. You know what I mean? They just be Mao, because they're- they will call you a communist either way.

• 16:11Speaker 05

  Right, they already are saying-

• 16:12Stavros Halkias?

  Go crazy, just be like, yeah, we're gonna actually execute the, uh, everyone in Beverly here who owns the- every property owner, we're gonna fuck- we have a firing squad for you.

• 16:21Speaker 05

  I don't know if we're there yet for that to be politically viable.

• 16:25Stavros Halkias?

  I, dude, I'm saying, give it a shot. We're getting close. They get to- okay, why do Republicans get to be Nazis? Why can't we- why don't we get to be straight-up communists?

• 16:34Speaker 05

  You know, they're- they're literally holding up- they just elected a guy who literally like has mind comp.

• 16:39Stavros Halkias?

  That's true. They go full on, so why can't-

• 16:41Speaker 05

  I can be like, fuck it.

• 16:43Stavros Halkias?

  And by the way, we're carving out an exception for single-digit show business millionaires. Kill all millionaires, except for single-digit show business millionaires.

• 16:51Speaker 05

  You earned it the honest way by- by providing entertainment for others.

• 16:55Stavros Halkias?

  For the masses. For the masses, dude.

• 16:58Speaker 05

  Populism.

• 17:01Speaker 05

  I, it is funny that I, I literally was thinking, and I don't, I actually don't even know what the actual like plan is, but the timing of, of uh, New York City taxing rich people and me having money.

• 17:16Stavros Halkias?

  And you getting rich, yeah, that's tough.

• 17:18Speaker 05

  It really has.

• 17:18Stavros Halkias?

  It's really tough.

• 17:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I, and I mean, I love it. I'm, I'm happy for it, but.

• 17:22Stavros Halkias?

  I know. Well, the nice thing about living in New York is like, the taxes might help people. It might not immediately buy the IDF a jetpack. You know what I mean? I mean, maybe not. I mean, it's, it's, at least in New York, it's a coin flip.

• 17:35Speaker 05

  Whether it's a public library or.

• 17:37Stavros Halkias?

  A lot of the NYPD stuff trickles that way.

• 17:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, that is true. You know, we could keep the libraries open for a couple hours longer.

• 17:44Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly.

• 17:45Speaker 05

  And send the jetpack.

• 17:46Stavros Halkias?

  And yes, and the cops get to just get overtime for standing around on a sidewalk and not doing anything. But at least sort of you could get a little, but yeah, I know dude, uh, the property taxes, I'm like, fuck, yeah. I'm putting my money where my mouth is.

• 17:59Speaker 05

  Not an issue for me.

• 18:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I haven't bought in a place.

• 18:03Speaker 05

  Property hasn't become one of my concerns.

• 18:05Stavros Halkias?

  I know, it is funny. We were talking, cause we also, we just had a beautiful pizza dinner a couple of days ago. And your oven is straight up doesn't work.

• 18:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:13Stavros Halkias?

  Which I think people would be shocked to find out about Severance's Zach Cherry.

• 18:17Speaker 05

  Well.

• 18:18Stavros Halkias?

  An Emmy nominated actor does not have a working oven for pizza.

• 18:22Speaker 05

  It works.

• 18:26Speaker 05

  It works, but it, it does, it's kind of temperamental where some months it needs to preheat for four or five hours.

• 18:33Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay, okay, okay. You gotta just slow roast the oven.

• 18:38Speaker 05

  You gotta know in the morning that you're gonna wanna to heat up a slice of pizza that night. And then you're fine.

• 18:44Stavros Halkias?

  So yeah, and then you, in the morning, you're like, I think I'll be, I'll be in the mood for pizza around eight PM, so I'll set an alarm for four PM.

• 18:51Speaker 05

  But it works ish. And this has happened before.

• 18:55Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 18:55Speaker 05

  And like I always do, I didn't do anything about it. I complained to my friends and then it started working.

• 19:01Stavros Halkias?

  There you go, okay.

• 19:02Speaker 05

  It's a very easy system.

• 19:04Stavros Halkias?

  What about your landlord? Have you ever considered?

• 19:06Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah, we, we have a good relationship. Yeah.

• 19:09Stavros Halkias?

  Because you, because you allow your oven to be broken forever?

• 19:14Speaker 05

  I do, I do. I've lived in the same place for like 12 years.

• 19:18Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, hell, yeah.

• 19:19Speaker 05

  Uh, so, you know, we have.

• 19:21Stavros Halkias?

  I love that.

• 19:21Speaker 05

  We've developed a dynamic that works for both of us.

• 19:23Stavros Halkias?

  That's good.

• 19:24Speaker 05

  Does it include me not complaining about the oven? But any day, I could.

• 19:28Stavros Halkias?

  Any day, you're gonna bring it up.

• 19:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, we'll see.

• 19:31Stavros Halkias?

  You should, do you store stuff in there? Like you see New Yorkers put like?

• 19:34Speaker 05

  Cause I try to use it all the time.

• 19:36Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, I love that. And you, and I suggested an air fryer and you said you're already maxed out counter space.

• 19:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, I am. We had, we had to bring in additional counter space and then that is also maxed out.

• 19:46Stavros Halkias?

  That's maxed out. Okay, can we run through, cause to me, air fryer might be my number one thing I need on there.

• 19:52Speaker 05

  I've never had one, so I don't know what I'm missing.

• 19:54Stavros Halkias?

  I see, I see. Okay, so then what, okay, for me, I would go air fryer. Uh, rice cooker.

• 20:02Speaker 05

  Rice cooker, we have the rice cooker.

• 20:04Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, we got this, we got this Zoji Ruchi.

• 20:06Speaker 05

  Zoji Ruchi, I've been, yes, hell, yeah.

• 20:08Stavros Halkias?

  The big one. Okay, respect.

• 20:09Speaker 05

  Yes, the one that plays a little song for you when you're.

• 20:12Stavros Halkias?

  It plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and, and when I hear that dude, my dick gets hard for, for, for fresh rice, dude. I'm Pavlov's dog with that shit, dude. This shit's awesome. Alright, so rice cooker, I respect.

• 20:23Speaker 05

  We got rice cooker.

• 20:23Stavros Halkias?

  What do we have? A coffee situation?

• 20:25Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah, let me work from right to left.

• 20:28Stavros Halkias?

  Give us fucking minority report.

• 20:32Speaker 05

  So we got this Zoji Ruchi here.

• 20:33Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  In front of this Zoji Ruchi, we've got, uh, my dog's, uh, rawhide. They're not rawhide, but like bully sticks that I keep.

• 20:43Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 20:44Speaker 05

  They just sit there.

• 20:45Stavros Halkias?

  Can I be honest? That's a crazy prime spot for the dog's bully sticks, dude.

• 20:49Speaker 05

  Cause I need access to those every day. They really live up here, on the shelf above my head.

• 20:55Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 20:56Speaker 05

  But that's kinda where they are right now.

• 20:58Stavros Halkias?

  So there's an on deck circle in the batter's box.

• 21:01Speaker 05

  And that's where the can of beans I don't use always goes too. I just sort of rest the can of beans there.

• 21:06Stavros Halkias?

  Can of beans in the rawhide.

• 21:07Speaker 05

  I buy the tortillas and I'm planning on making burritos.

• 21:10Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 21:11Speaker 05

  Can of beans gotta stay there, then I kinda don't get to it.

• 21:13Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, I get that, I get that.

• 21:15Speaker 05

  Then we got a full toaster. Not toaster oven, toaster.

• 21:21Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  Four slices.

• 21:22Stavros Halkias?

  Four slicer? This is crazy. You got a four.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  goes there and dog treats and you can't get a fucking air fryer.

• 21:31Stavros Halkias?

  Alright, I'll stop interrupting, I'll stop interrupting.

• 21:33Speaker 05

  Then we move over here, we have, and I genuinely don't know what it is, some type of coffee contraption.

• 21:39Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 21:39Speaker 05

  I'm not a coffee guy, my wife is a coffee person.

• 21:41Stavros Halkias?

  That's fine, seed the coffee to the wife.

• 21:43Speaker 05

  She has a, you know, some sort of titration.

• 21:46Stavros Halkias?

  Love that.

• 21:47Speaker 05

  Going on.

• 21:47Stavros Halkias?

  Love that.

• 21:48Speaker 05

  Whatever thing. Then we have the, um, blender, the, the, whatever.

• 21:52Stavros Halkias?

  Vitamix?

• 21:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, the big Vitamix.

• 21:54Stavros Halkias?

  Vitamix, that's your rushi.

• 21:56Speaker 05

  That, the Vitamix I use a lot, that's the one, and I do use the toaster.

• 21:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.

• 22:00Speaker 05

  We, we love a piece of toast.

• 22:03Stavros Halkias?

  I like, you know, I do respect that, but it's like, you could have a toast function.

• 22:08Speaker 05

  You could just toast it in the oven, but as we've discussed.

• 22:11Stavros Halkias?

  No oven.

• 22:12Speaker 05

  That's gonna be.

• 22:13Stavros Halkias?

  Well, that's what I'm saying, okay.

• 22:14Speaker 05

  You can't do that for breakfast.

• 22:15Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 22:15Speaker 05

  Unless you start the oven the night before.

• 22:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, which actually, feels actually like the best way to do it.

• 22:20Speaker 05

  You could do.

• 22:20Stavros Halkias?

  Cause you know you want toast when you go to bed.

• 22:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, although I'm actually not really a morning toast guy.

• 22:26Stavros Halkias?

  I.

• 22:26Speaker 05

  Oh, interesting. I may toast as a like, I am hungry, but I shouldn't order pizza.

• 22:34Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, little pick me up snack, I got you.

• 22:36Speaker 05

  Have a piece of toast.

• 22:37Stavros Halkias?

  Dude.

• 22:38Speaker 05

  With, you know, a variety of, you know, depending on what I'm in the mood for.

• 22:42Stavros Halkias?

  I see that, dude.

• 22:43Speaker 05

  If I need, if I need a sweet treat, I'll go jam. If I need a.

• 22:47Stavros Halkias?

  That's nice.

• 22:47Speaker 05

  Something else, I'll go garlic and butter.

• 22:49Stavros Halkias?

  I love that, yeah, toast and butter. Is it, is it the best single bite? Like, it's up there in the single bite, best single bite tournament.

• 23:01Speaker 05

  Fresh?

• 23:02Stavros Halkias?

  Damn dude, we gotta.

• 23:03Speaker 05

  Just melted?

• 23:03Stavros Halkias?

  We should just, honestly, we steal Doughboys.

• 23:06Speaker 05

  Dude, we could crush them, dude.

• 23:08Stavros Halkias?

  If me and you started a food podcast, Mitch would kill himself.

• 23:13Stavros Halkias?

  We would.

• 23:14Speaker 05

  He would.

• 23:14Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely steamroll those pussies, dude.

• 23:17Speaker 05

  Extremely upset.

• 23:18Stavros Halkias?

  It would negatively affect his life big time. We just completely ruin the life of our friend for fun. We don't stick with it.

• 23:26Speaker 05

  And we just cover the restaurants in the exact order they have.

• 23:29Stavros Halkias?

  Oh dude, we completely steal everything they do, but just with us?

• 23:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:33Stavros Halkias?

  That would be an old fashioned like Hollywood trick.

• 23:36Speaker 05

  I think we should.

• 23:37Stavros Halkias?

  We should do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:38Speaker 05

  To Wild West the podcast space a little bit, right?

• 23:42Stavros Halkias?

  It's like old vaudeville. There were no rules, dude.

• 23:44Speaker 05

  You can't copyright.

• 23:45Stavros Halkias?

  Eating at restaurants.

• 23:47Speaker 05

  And by the way, Weiger's not even fat, that fat.

• 23:50Stavros Halkias?

  He used to be fat.

• 23:51Speaker 05

  He kinda used to be fat. I'm skeptical.

• 23:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we would destroy their.

• 23:55Speaker 05

  Stolen valor situation.

• 23:57Stavros Halkias?

  And they're kinda tall.

• 23:59Speaker 05

  I mean, that is.

• 23:59Stavros Halkias?

  How dare they both be tall? Talk about food?

• 24:02Speaker 05

  That is a major issue.

• 24:04Stavros Halkias?

  Fat guys, dude. And we deserve to be the food, fast food podcasters.

• 24:07Speaker 05

  Mitch is fat, sure, but big.

• 24:11Stavros Halkias?

  If we're talking, you know.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  Societal value.

• 24:14Stavros Halkias?

  Talking ratios, of course.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  If we're plugging into the BMI calculator.

• 24:18Stavros Halkias?

  He was like, compete.

• 24:19Speaker 05

  I know. He said he was 350 and I was like, I was 350, but he's 6'2" and I'm 5'7".

• 24:24Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly. Yeah, okay. This, we're gonna do this. We're gonna start with the first bite.

• 24:28Speaker 05

  Been laid down.

• 24:29Stavros Halkias?

  First bite tournament. Best bite humanity has to offer tournament.

• 24:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:33Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, they're doing munch madness. I guess it already happened since it's mid-April right now. As everybody knows, it is mid-April. We were just.

• 24:40Speaker 05

  I knew that.

• 24:40Stavros Halkias?

  We were just talking about our plans for 420.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 24:43Stavros Halkias?

  We're just talking about Easter plans, you know, I'm sure, I'm assuming you're a very religious man.

• 24:48Speaker 05

  Suit already.

• 24:50Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you would cry your pastels. A pastel, you would look awesome in one of those. Were, any religious stuff growing up? What's the fam doing?

• 24:58Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 24:58Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 24:59Speaker 05

  Just sort of generically Christian.

• 25:01Stavros Halkias?

  Generically Christian.

• 25:02Speaker 05

  Uh, you know, uh, Protestant.

• 25:06Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, okay.

• 25:06Speaker 05

  No, no specifics.

• 25:08Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 25:08Speaker 05

  Just sort of as vague as possible.

• 25:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, like, yeah, we're Christian, I guess.

• 25:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:12Stavros Halkias?

  So your parents were both Jersey? So are you a, are you, do you go back? Can you trace your lineage generations back into Jersey?

• 25:18Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no. My parents moved to Jersey kinda just before my older brother was born, I think. My dad is from Alabama. My mom is from Illinois.

• 25:28Stavros Halkias?

  Oh.

• 25:29Speaker 05

  So we're. Central, Central American.

• 25:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Central America, calling that Central America.

• 25:36Speaker 05

  I'm Central American.

• 25:38Stavros Halkias?

  Honestly, if you said you were fucking Bolivian, no one is saying, no one is stopping you, dude.

• 25:43Speaker 05

  I can sort of slide into any.

• 25:45Stavros Halkias?

  You can slide, there's a, you have a nice, yeah.

• 25:47Speaker 05

  Every single ethnicity has approached me and said,

• 25:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 25:50Speaker 05

  I think you are my cousin.

• 25:52Stavros Halkias?

  You honestly look a lot like my uncle. Like, I'm like, if you, if you kept, if you like shit, like, yeah, my uncle doesn't have a big ass beard.

• 25:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:59Stavros Halkias?

  But I think if he went, if he grew his beard out, you kinda look, he's a piece of shit, no disrespect, but.

• 26:04Speaker 05

  I'll take it.

• 26:05Stavros Halkias?

  Fun, actually, not a, you know what, I'm, he's not a piece of shit, he's just kind of a dork. You know when a dork tries to be cool?

• 26:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, he's kinda, he's kinda like that. He would be very vulgar.

• 26:13Speaker 05

  I like him.

• 26:14Stavros Halkias?

  You, my fat uncle Dimitri, who has diabetes is so out of control and he's, has not stopped eating for, like dude.

• 26:22Speaker 05

  So he's awesome.

• 26:22Stavros Halkias?

  He actually is the man, and he knows the best restaurants. I literally have to get.

• 26:26Speaker 05

  Does he live in New York?

• 26:27Stavros Halkias?

  No, he's in Athens.

• 26:28Speaker 05

  Ah.

• 26:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 26:28Speaker 05

  I'm, I'm not making it up.

• 26:30Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, I, if you come, I would love to get my uncle, truly, my uncle is like, my aunt and uncle, they are, tru, we are so related because all they care about is restaurants. Like, they know every fucking great, like, I need to get a full list. But, you know, I need to go to Greece and be like, spend a summer eating around Greece with them and come up with the greatest guidebook, like, to, like a fat Greek guys, a fat sixty year old Greek guy, actually, my uncle. And you know what, we gotta hurry, cause he, let's just say the fat years calculator.

• 27:03Speaker 05

  He's really, he's sitting the multiplier.

• 27:06Stavros Halkias?

  He's sitting the DDR multiplier, he's been flawless for twenty minutes, basically, on a DDR machine, it's fucking lighting up, dude.

• 27:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:13Stavros Halkias?

  Let me just say, he's got a flawless fat streak, at least since the late seventies.

• 27:17Speaker 05

  Let's make this happen.

• 27:18Stavros Halkias?

  We need to make this happen quick, dude.

• 27:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, cause I, I do wanna have act, I want this list to exist.

• 27:22Stavros Halkias?

  We need the list to exist.

• 27:23Speaker 05

  Just for posterity.

• 27:25Stavros Halkias?

  And I think they would get a kick out of.

• 27:27Speaker 05

  Taking me and my fat friends around. Honestly, that's maybe the dream fat house.

• 27:32Stavros Halkias?

  We as, I don't know if we ever said it on the podcast, but we are in a, in a group, a fat group chat. With me, me, Zach, Gabris, and Mitch.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  Our fat Illuminati.

• 27:41Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely.

• 27:42Speaker 05

  We're making the people we didn't see in our youth.

• 27:45Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly, exactly. We are, we are, we are, we are creating the fat Illuminati.

• 27:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:49Stavros Halkias?

  And we're getting auxiliary members in. We talked about Carl, Carl Tartt, he's just not fat enough. Otherwise Carl would be a, a prime member. He just too F could dunk in his youth.

• 27:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:00Stavros Halkias?

  Just a different experience, you know? And even Mitch is big, but he was, he never got pussy, so he kind of spiritually is 5'5". You know? He's basically a, he's so pathetic that he turned being 6'2", 5'5" somehow.

• 28:13Speaker 05

  You and him sort of swapped essences.

• 28:15Stavros Halkias?

  We really did.

• 28:18Stavros Halkias?

  I know, that is true. He behaves-

• 28:20Speaker 05

  At puberty, you guys kind of got your wires crossed.

• 28:24Stavros Halkias?

  Um, but yeah, this is good. We're gonna, we're gonna make this fucking happen. I, um, so just vague generic, vague generic Christianity.

• 28:32Speaker 05

  Although we did, we did, we did one time, I, I was like an active member of this community. I was in the youth group.

• 28:39Stavros Halkias?

  Hell yeah, dude.

• 28:40Speaker 05

  I was doing this-

• 28:41Stavros Halkias?

  I went to the Greek Orthodox Youth of America. I was in that group.

• 28:44Speaker 05

  What is that?

• 28:45Stavros Halkias?

  Just kind of a youth group, but you know?

• 28:47Speaker 05

  But you would like hang out. Yeah, we would do like paintball shit.

• 28:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 05

  And we did go on a trip together one time and one of the youth pastors, I was asleep for this.

• 28:56Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:56Speaker 05

  Supposedly started speaking tongues in the middle of the night and freaked out all the other groups and they left in the middle of the night.

• 29:03Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, that's fucking awesome.

• 29:05Speaker 05

  Yeah. So I was like-

• 29:06Stavros Halkias?

  Speaking in tongues?

• 29:07Speaker 05

  I was like, so maybe, maybe our church was weirder than I remember, but I, uh, that's the only, that's the only one.

• 29:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, cause speaking in tongues is not what you're describing.

• 29:15Speaker 05

  No.

• 29:16Stavros Halkias?

  That is not generic Christianity.

• 29:18Speaker 05

  And that wasn't my experience of it. I guess they waited till I went to sleep.

• 29:21Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 29:21Speaker 05

  And then they would all kind of get together and-

• 29:23Stavros Halkias?

  I love that shit. I love what, what, I mean, every one of those people is clearly faking it. Uh, yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 05

  But some of them don't think they are.

• 29:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:32Speaker 05

  You know, they truly believe.

• 29:34Stavros Halkias?

  That's that's to have so little control of your own brain that you do something and pretend. And you like you and in the moment you you pretend.

• 29:42Speaker 05

  You can just scare yourself. You can make yourself laugh.

• 29:45Stavros Halkias?

  I know. It's true. I mean, it takes me like, to be fair, though, it takes me like six hours of having a bad day to be on the brink of being like, of being like, you could, you could probably like sex traffic me like in my brain, like with if if I'm if I'm bummed out for eight straight hours, I'm like so susceptible to religion. I start talking to God.

• 30:05Speaker 05

  I like to believe that I've been, I've been made bulletproof through through, honestly, basically that one. One experience where I had already kind of not liked that guy.

• 30:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 05

  My parents like, he's fine. And I was like, seems a little weird to me.

• 30:19Stavros Halkias?

  Piece of shit.

• 30:20Speaker 05

  Uh, so I I'm cult stuff.

• 30:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 30:23Speaker 05

  I'm allergic to it. I think, of course.

• 30:25Stavros Halkias?

  I know what you mean.

• 30:26Speaker 05

  Now someone will get me.

• 30:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, I would love to have my own cult. I think I'd be great at that.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  I wouldn't even want that.

• 30:33Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:33Speaker 05

  I don't want to be around people that much.

• 30:36Stavros Halkias?

  You're more of a homebody. Like, I was apologizing because it's a beautiful day. And I'm actually pissed that I have to podcast. This is what I do for you fucking assholes. Do you understand that?

• 30:44Speaker 05

  It is be, it is like the first nice day in a while.

• 30:47Stavros Halkias?

  It's so nice. I haven't been in New York for three consecutive days for months. And this is the first time I get to enjoy it. It's like, but what am I doing? I'm fucking podcast. So just know, we I care about you. Okay, I make sacrifices. But you were like, oh, I don't care. I wasn't gonna be outside.

• 31:02Speaker 05

  No, I probably would have. I might have seen Crime 101 again.

• 31:06Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck. It looks always a good.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, I liked it a lot.

• 31:09Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 05

  But not necessarily enough to see it again, but Sundays are are my movie day.

• 31:14Stavros Halkias?

  Mm hmm. I like that.

• 31:16Speaker 05

  Get out of the house, go see a movie. And we're kind of in a period where I've seen most of.

• 31:22Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, what's out there. Interesting dudes that's a nice that's your little ritual you fucking do you pair it with like do you wake up cuz I did I at least got a nice morning today I woke up got a coffee walked around had a bagel although heartbreaking just moving to a new neighborhood and the bagel place around the corner sucks

• 31:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's that's real cuz it's it's right around the corner so you're like if this place is good

• 31:44Stavros Halkias?

  Right

• 31:44Speaker 05

  My life is set I lucked into legit one of the best bagel places in New York is in my neighborhood this place knickerbocker bagel in Bushwick Someone recently did a list of like best bagels in New York I think it was number two

• 31:56Stavros Halkias?

  Wow

• 31:57Speaker 05

  I believe they have locations in I might need some help with this

• 32:00Stavros Halkias?

  Eldis

• 32:01Speaker 05

  I believe they have a location in Bushwick and one in like Seoul

• 32:05Stavros Halkias?

  Seoul Korea that's awesome

• 32:07Speaker 05

  The guy like uh

• 32:09Stavros Halkias?

  Well, there is actually a great in a story at where we are there is a great bagel place that is Korean run and they have a bulgogi bagel

• 32:17Speaker 05

  This place is just classic bagels but I think I swear on their website it'll say they have two locations anyway I lucked into this being my local bagel shop and it's incredible

• 32:27Stavros Halkias?

  Hell yeah dude good for you Why don't you fucking keep scrolling down dumbass

• 32:35Stavros Halkias?

  Figure Best bagels in New York alright whatever They didn't immediately tell us our locations so far just New York

• 32:44Speaker 05

  They must have

• 32:45Stavros Halkias?

  The Seoul one closed down maybe they were like supporting the fascist uh president that they

• 32:51Speaker 05

  Now that they're out

• 32:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah yeah yeah yeah Back up maybe the fascist president that they put in jail loved knickerbocker bagels So I don't want to actually I don't know that I'm not slandering you knickerbocker bagels and I will

• 33:02Speaker 05

  I may have fully made that up I swear to God when I first looked up their website they had a location in some insane area Well, a lot of places will have like a location like fucking Dubai or some shit you know what I mean which that's kind of a red flag to me

• 33:15Stavros Halkias?

  Sure

• 33:16Speaker 05

  But it you know

• 33:17Stavros Halkias?

  That doesn't usually happen at the local bagel shop

• 33:19Speaker 05

  Of course of course

• 33:20Stavros Halkias?

  That's more of the like

• 33:21Speaker 05

  Yeah some about bagels is Dubai doesn't really want over there Something about maybe who who would make the best bagels they're not interested in importing them to Dubai all of a sudden I don't know what that's about but hey is Dubai even still exist right now who fucking knows

• 33:38Stavros Halkias?

  In mid April of course

• 33:40Speaker 05

  In mid April yeah as we know it is mid April and Dubai has had consistent shelling

• 33:45Stavros Halkias?

  Brought to you by Visible, the smartest upgrade this season isn't a new phone, it's a better wireless plan. Switch to Visible, the ultimate wireless hack. You get unlimited 5G data and unlimited hotspot powered by Verizon. We have Visible here at Stobby Baby Enterprises, we love it. We just got a new assistant, she loves it, she's taking all our sushi orders. They're going through the Visible network, brought to you by Verizon. It's fast, it's reliable, it's so sick. They sponsor the Stobies World hotline, as you know, and make it possible for us to help all our callers out. Oh my God, they're the best. Switch today at visible.com. The Visible plan starts at $25 a month. Or get the premium Visible Plus Pro Plan and save $10 on your first month with promo code STOFS.

• 34:30Stavros Halkias?

  Terms apply.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  How do you want to split it?

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Actually, dinner's on me.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Okay, big money.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  Well, I got a Venmo balance that I can spend with my Venmo debit MasterCard, so.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  Well, I Venmo'd you three times last week, so it's kinda on me, actually.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, you send it, I spend it.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  Did my money get like reincarnated?

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's chicken shawarma. You want it back?

• 34:50Speaker 00

  I can't believe you like ate my Venmo.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Spend your balance instantly with the Venmo debit card. No monthly fee or minimum balance. Venmo balance account required to get a card and use a balance. A Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank, N.A.

• 35:03Stavros Halkias?

  It is really funny to think about like British people, like British fucking like rich, like ladies with like crazy filler and their like hus- dumb, like weird husbands being in Dubai for on holiday and just getting shit exploded around them is pretty funny. But you know, we hope nobody dies, doesn't have to, I guess, or whatever the fuck.

• 35:28Stavros Halkias?

  We can bleep that, let's bleep that out for Zach, he's got a career.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Not so much lately, I've been basically just hanging out, so.

• 35:37Stavros Halkias?

  That is nice, because being an actor sucks dick. Like, I've, I've realized how little they pay actors and shit and how much like you have to go to bullshit, like, you know, that's like, I respect you because you don't want to go to award shows, you don't want to go to anything.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  I don't, I barely want to leave the house, like today, I did, I.

• 35:56Speaker 05

  I did, I had a semi miserable morning cuz I'm trying to, uh, I'm trying to keep the fat multiplier.

• 36:03Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 36:03Speaker 05

  Away for a few, so I've started Peloton-ing a lot.

• 36:06Stavros Halkias?

  Ooh.

• 36:07Speaker 05

  I did a, I did a one hour Peloton.

• 36:09Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, holy shit, that's kinda.

• 36:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:12Stavros Halkias?

  It's, by the way.

• 36:13Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 36:13Stavros Halkias?

  It's so nice out that you were in your house.

• 36:16Speaker 05

  I hopped on the bike. Put on my little sweatband. Opened up the shades so I could see.

• 36:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, you could see out, okay.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  The empty apartment across the street.

• 36:25Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:26Speaker 05

  And I just pedaled away.

• 36:28Stavros Halkias?

  Damn.

• 36:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:29Stavros Halkias?

  How's that, you like the Peloton?

• 36:30Speaker 05

  I do, I like that it's inside my house.

• 36:33Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 36:34Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah.

• 36:35Stavros Halkias?

  Were you always a homebody, even as a kid, you were just hanging out?

• 36:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, for the most part.

• 36:39Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 36:39Speaker 05

  I was, I, I largely am a homebody. I'm, I'm like cruising towards full on hermit.

• 36:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 36:46Speaker 05

  And the second I have the funds to do it.

• 36:48Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, oh yeah.

• 36:48Speaker 05

  I'm not coming out of that house.

• 36:51Stavros Halkias?

  You're just gonna get a fucking, but yeah, I, there is something nice about, cuz I, I like going outside, but I also love the ability, the idea that I could have. Maybe it's getting, maybe everybody who like lived through COVID now has this latent desire to have your home be tricked out, so if you were forced inside again. Cuz it doesn't feel like we're gonna get, doesn't feel like we're getting further away from global events that force us to live in our home.

• 37:16Speaker 05

  Right.

• 37:16Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, for an unidentified period, you know what I mean? Doesn't feel like that's, that go, I mean, another one could be on the way, some kinda nuclear fallout, who fucking knows?

• 37:24Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 37:25Stavros Halkias?

  And it would be a dream to be tricked out. I'd love to have like a room that's like fucking, I got a sauna in that bitch.

• 37:31Speaker 05

  That is a dream, New York City not the place for it.

• 37:33Stavros Halkias?

  Tough. Tough to do it.

• 37:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:35Stavros Halkias?

  But you know what you should do? Find one of your other friends apartment.

• 37:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:39Stavros Halkias?

  Have my sauna.

• 37:40Speaker 05

  You should scatter your saunas throughout your friends.

• 37:43Stavros Halkias?

  I have different, yeah. I, I have friends with an extra bedroom and I rent it out and have different activities I do.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:50Stavros Halkias?

  That's actually not a bad idea.

• 37:51Speaker 05

  Connect them with tunnels.

• 37:52Stavros Halkias?

  Tunnel connection, we all hang out, that sounds fucking awesome.

• 37:56Speaker 05

  That's kinda the dream.

• 37:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 05

  Alright.

• 37:57Stavros Halkias?

  Cuz I like my friends, so I like, I like being connected.

• 38:01Speaker 05

  In their spaces, but.

• 38:02Stavros Halkias?

  But I kinda just wanna, you know.

• 38:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:04Stavros Halkias?

  Just do your, I get that. Were you, what were, any hobbies as a child, did you anything in your youth?

• 38:09Speaker 05

  I was a theater kid.

• 38:10Stavros Halkias?

  Theater kid.

• 38:11Speaker 05

  I mean, honestly, I was an im, I was an improv child.

• 38:15Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no. No, the odds that you're not a fucking huge piece of shit.

• 38:19Speaker 05

  Since I was in fifth grade.

• 38:21Stavros Halkias?

  Are you serious?

• 38:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:22Stavros Halkias?

  You're a fucking improv messy dude. You were in the youth academy?

• 38:25Speaker 05

  I, you know, it's funny. I went to a summer, I like a performing arts summer camp. They had improv. And when they would do like counselor sets, I would participate.

• 38:36Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome. So they bumped you up to varsity? You're the thirteen year old that plays varsity?

• 38:41Speaker 05

  I was a little improv messy. I was running around.

• 38:46Stavros Halkias?

  Fucking dude, you should see this guy, dude. You should see this guy fucking adapt to whatever you throw at him.

• 38:52Speaker 05

  Oh, man.

• 38:52Stavros Halkias?

  This motherfucker, dude, this nine year old yes ands at a fourteen year old level.

• 38:56Speaker 05

  I was, I was an advanced improviser. Although I think I was mostly just like repeating stuff I heard on the Simpsons. But like compared to everyone else, at the time, it was like even being able to like Mad Lib.

• 39:10Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 39:11Speaker 05

  Other things was enough to kind of like, you know.

• 39:15Stavros Halkias?

  That's crazy.

• 39:16Speaker 05

  But yeah, I was big time theater and improv kid early.

• 39:20Stavros Halkias?

  And now, how, how much were you bullied?

• 39:23Speaker 05

  Uh, not that much. Not that much. Because first of all, I didn't tell anyone about it.

• 39:30Stavros Halkias?

  Smart.

• 39:31Speaker 05

  I wasn't being.

• 39:31Stavros Halkias?

  You're probably mysterious.

• 39:32Speaker 05

  And still today.

• 39:33Stavros Halkias?

  Right. Yeah, I'm shocked to find this out. Good for you.

• 39:36Speaker 05

  And I, I mean, I still, I have a show tonight. I will tell no, this doesn't come out for.

• 39:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 39:41Speaker 05

  So luckily this doesn't count. I will tell no one about it. Constantly people are like, hey, you ever perform? And I'm like, I did five shows this week. They're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 39:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:50Speaker 05

  I, I don't like to tell anyone about it. I just, I just like to do.

• 39:55Stavros Halkias?

  You see improv as a disease that you have to like, do it to get out of your system. It's like somebody who's like half vampire who like, you're in the shadows, like drinking dead raccoons and shit. Cause you don't want to, yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 05

  Me doing improv is, is the version of, it's like Wesley Snipes developing a serum.

• 40:13Stavros Halkias?

  To keep you from being a full blown.

• 40:15Speaker 05

  But not, I don't advertise it so that I can keep it.

• 40:18Stavros Halkias?

  I respect that, dude.

• 40:19Speaker 05

  But like I was, yeah, I was theater. That was my thing.

• 40:22Stavros Halkias?

  Theater, gotcha, gotcha.

• 40:23Speaker 05

  But yeah, being funny in the theater.

• 40:25Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 40:26Speaker 05

  I was the kid who the guy, our like theater guy who was great. He like, I wouldn't, you know, be doing it if it wasn't for him, kind of guy.

• 40:33Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome.

• 40:34Speaker 05

  He would just give me, we would like do Shakespeare and he'd be like, you can play this little part and literally do whatever you want.

• 40:40Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 40:40Speaker 05

  So I would like walk out and be like, hey.

• 40:44Stavros Halkias?

  I'm murky here baby.

• 40:48Speaker 05

  And he would just like.

• 40:49Stavros Halkias?

  You thumbing your fucking nose at me, brother? How dare you thumb your shit at me, motherfucker?

• 40:54Speaker 05

  I didn't even know enough of the lines to get.

• 40:56Stavros Halkias?

  That's the only one I remember. Yeah, you you allowed me to look, make it look like I knew Shakespeare. That's the only thing I remember.

• 41:04Speaker 05

  But yeah, so that was my.

• 41:06Stavros Halkias?

  Ah.

• 41:06Speaker 05

  That was my come up.

• 41:07Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, I get that. What's, what about the rest? Like you said, you have an older brother with was.

• 41:12Speaker 05

  Older brother.

• 41:12Stavros Halkias?

  Were they in the, do you have other siblings?

• 41:14Speaker 05

  Nope. One older brother.

• 41:16Stavros Halkias?

  What was his vibe?

• 41:17Speaker 05

  The reason I wasn't bullied is I went to a very small school.

• 41:19Stavros Halkias?

  Gotcha.

• 41:20Speaker 05

  And I started when I was in.

• 41:22Stavros Halkias?

  It would be awesome if this is like a religious school. It's like you clearly were in a, everything you say.

• 41:25Speaker 05

  Only now.

• 41:26Stavros Halkias?

  You're in a cult. You're like, really small.

• 41:28Speaker 05

  Which was small.

• 41:29Stavros Halkias?

  It was actually homeschool. We all.

• 41:30Speaker 05

  Everyone was a member of my family.

• 41:36Speaker 05

  And we did, we had, um, sucking sessions.

• 41:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, everyone except my, the priest was my direct, in my family. And he came and he would do these like, these, he would lead us in a meditation where everybody closes their eyes and has their mouth open.

• 41:52Speaker 05

  Yeah. No, I just went to a small, I was, I was a, I grew up in Trenton.

• 41:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 41:58Speaker 05

  I went to.

• 41:58Stavros Halkias?

  Trenton takes the world make, or Trenton makes the world take.

• 42:01Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 42:02Stavros Halkias?

  I love the, those passive aggressive Trenton sign.

• 42:05Speaker 05

  I mean, it's, it's kind of, it's like, it is the thing that is, uh, that's our big source of city pride.

• 42:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:13Speaker 05

  That bridge and slogan.

• 42:14Stavros Halkias?

  It is a great, it's a great slogan.

• 42:16Speaker 05

  I don't, I honestly don't really know what.

• 42:19Stavros Halkias?

  What that, what it made.

• 42:20Speaker 05

  I think it was steel.

• 42:21Stavros Halkias?

  Improv prodigies.

• 42:22Speaker 05

  That's right, that's right.

• 42:23Stavros Halkias?

  They're talking about you, dude. You're their big export.

• 42:26Speaker 05

  I'm the modern export. That's tough. That's really tough. That is actually, I actually do feel bad.

• 42:35Stavros Halkias?

  Trenton leads the world. Trenton leads the world in character actors you put in a serious drama for a little relief. A little change of pace.

• 42:46Speaker 05

  If you're gonna, if you're gonna make it that list, I'm near the top.

• 42:49Stavros Halkias?

  Are you near? You're the number one dude.

• 42:52Speaker 05

  But then I, in kindergarten, my teacher was like, we gotta get this kid, uh, we gotta get this kid to the big leagues.

• 42:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 43:00Speaker 05

  So I started at a very small private school in first grade.

• 43:03Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 43:03Speaker 05

  And went there through graduation.

• 43:05Stavros Halkias?

  Gotcha.

• 43:06Speaker 05

  So I had known everyone. By the time I was eligible to be bullied, I'd already done the work. Laying the base layer of relationships and inoculating myself.

• 43:16Stavros Halkias?

  That's kinda beautiful.

• 43:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, it was great.

• 43:17Stavros Halkias?

  So did your, was your brother going to that school too?

• 43:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:21Stavros Halkias?

  Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

• 43:22Speaker 05

  And I, I, I'm, that's like, one of the reasons I don't go outside that much, that's all still my friends. It's like,

• 43:28Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 43:28Speaker 05

  The guys I've known since I was.

• 43:30Stavros Halkias?

  Holy shit.

• 43:31Speaker 05

  Yeah. I have my elders.

• 43:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:34Speaker 05

  I don't employ them or hang out with them as much, but I do like them.

• 43:38Stavros Halkias?

  It's, I really would not have suggested. It's one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my life.

• 43:42Speaker 05

  And I don't think any Albanians in my, in my circle, I apologize.

• 43:46Stavros Halkias?

  None in Trenton?

• 43:46Speaker 05

  I apologize.

• 43:47Stavros Halkias?

  What about Greeks?

• 43:49Speaker 05

  Greeks, not that I know of.

• 43:51Stavros Halkias?

  Damn.

• 43:51Speaker 05

  Not that I know of in the, in the crew.

• 43:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, fuck dude. Oh, so you and the boys, you, you and the boys from the small private school, uh, was it religious?

• 44:01Speaker 05

  No.

• 44:01Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 44:02Speaker 05

  Just a, just a day school.

• 44:03Stavros Halkias?

  Like some Montessori type shit?

• 44:05Speaker 05

  No, it was just like a, it started as, it started like in the thirties as a all boys school.

• 44:11Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay.

• 44:12Speaker 05

  But then it became more regular by the time I got there.

• 44:16Stavros Halkias?

  The Skull and Bones stuff was gone? There was no jacking off? There's no secret societies?

• 44:20Speaker 05

  I think that was all gone by the time I got there.

• 44:23Stavros Halkias?

  I could see when they started Trenton being like a power city.

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Well, this also, the school was not in Trenton. The school was in, in Princeton.

• 44:31Stavros Halkias?

  In Princeton? Oh, uh-oh.

• 44:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:34Stavros Halkias?

  So maybe there was some Skull and Bones type shit.

• 44:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, but. Again, not while I was, they waited till I went to sleep.

• 44:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 44:41Speaker 05

  They all jacked up.

• 44:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 05

  Spoken tongues.

• 44:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. Jacking off, having gay sex while speaking Latin? That's some shit you gotta do if you go to private school in Princeton.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:51Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking hilarious, dude. How, is Princeton right by Trenton?

• 44:55Speaker 05

  It's like twenty minutes.

• 44:56Stavros Halkias?

  Gotcha.

• 44:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, close.

• 44:57Stavros Halkias?

  Is it, is it like, every Ivy League, it seems like, around it is a bunch of dog shit. Was there like a bunch, was there shitty neighborhood? Like, is Princeton shitty?

• 45:04Speaker 05

  Princeton, no, Princeton's very, very nice, very rich, very like, kind of all the surrounding suburbs, if you, when you were, when we were growing up, if you wanted to go like, hang out, you'd go into Princeton, because they had like, restaurants and.

• 45:18Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, right, right, right.

• 45:20Speaker 05

  No, it's very fancy.

• 45:21Stavros Halkias?

  Did you go to, did you go to like, did you go to like any, you go to fancy college?

• 45:25Speaker 05

  I went to Amherst College, so, kind of.

• 45:28Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, yeah, that's, that's in fucking Boston, or what?

• 45:30Speaker 05

  It's out, it's like two hours outside of Boston.

• 45:32Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, okay.

• 45:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:33Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 45:34Speaker 05

  Um.

• 45:34Stavros Halkias?

  Continued your improv career, your illustration improv career?

• 45:37Speaker 05

  That was actually genuinely, a, a, a part of why I chose Amherst, because they had, they had an improv team there.

• 45:45Stavros Halkias?

  You're looking at the improv teams, dude?

• 45:49Speaker 05

  I swear to God, they had, I mean, it was also at the time, the number one ranked college.

• 45:54Stavros Halkias?

  Scouted?

• 45:54Speaker 05

  It was number one ranked college.

• 45:56Stavros Halkias?

  Scouted by improv teams?

• 45:57Speaker 05

  I did, they had an improv team that performed every week.

• 46:00Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 46:01Speaker 05

  And I liked that.

• 46:01Stavros Halkias?

  You liked that, you get direction.

• 46:03Speaker 05

  Other schools, it was like, once a quarter, whatever, whatever.

• 46:06Stavros Halkias?

  You can't keep this man off the stage.

• 46:07Speaker 05

  No, I, I was, uh, Who's Line bound.

• 46:10Stavros Halkias?

  You were fucking hungry, dude.

• 46:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:12Stavros Halkias?

  You're watching, you're watching Who's Line, you're like, mockery, I'm coming for your ass. Wayne Brady, there's a new sheriff in town, motherfucker.

• 46:20Speaker 05

  And I, uh, didn't, it didn't last long enough for me to get there.

• 46:24Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 46:25Speaker 05

  Although they did bring it back, for a while.

• 46:26Stavros Halkias?

  Who's Line?

• 46:27Speaker 05

  I wasn't invited or asked.

• 46:29Stavros Halkias?

  We should start, we should again, do a, we should steal Who's Line, you can't just copyright Who's Line.

• 46:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:35Stavros Halkias?

  Who's Sandwich?

• 46:39Stavros Halkias?

  Great minds dude. You know, it's like, it's like the UFC for riffing. It's like different, we came up, you're improv. Improv, you know what I mean?

• 46:48Speaker 05

  Different art styles.

• 46:49Stavros Halkias?

  Standup slash not getting bullied in Baltimore City Public Schools.

• 46:53Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 46:54Stavros Halkias?

  But you, yeah, we, this, what is podcasting if not the UFC for riffing? You know what I mean?

• 46:58Speaker 05

  It's a beautiful way to think of it.

• 47:00Stavros Halkias?

  It's so beautiful, yeah. Um, that's so fucking funny. Alright, nice. Then you get, out of Amherst, come back. Come back and then UCB?

• 47:08Speaker 05

  To do improv.

• 47:09Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck yeah dude. And then, it is awesome that there exists something where you probably, people were like scared when you were walking around and like treated you like with reverence.

• 47:18Speaker 05

  Not really.

• 47:19Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, they did.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  I didn't, I also didn't really like hang out, like.

• 47:23Stavros Halkias?

  Right. But that's probably more powerful. Cause when you were around, they're like, oh fuck Zach, he's gonna, he's gonna fucking blow me off the stage. Cause the thing is, that is how those dorks think about shit like this. Improv people are hilariously competitive.

• 47:36Speaker 05

  Yes, there is a lot of.

• 47:37Stavros Halkias?

  More than standup. You'd think standups are like, I mean, like, I do feel like improv people pretend to be friends and would stab each other in the back.

• 47:44Speaker 05

  There's a lot of like petty high school type shit in, in that world, but I mostly was not, I wasn't around.

• 47:51Stavros Halkias?

  You're floating, you're Dr. Manhattan dude, they're all mortals. You're fucking floating around getting ready to riff.

• 47:56Speaker 05

  I also had like a full-time job while I was like coming up doing improv. So I wasn't, I didn't wanna like hang out. I wanted to clock in, put in, put in my time.

• 48:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yup.

• 48:08Speaker 05

  Doing the most beautiful art form in the world. A lot of people say it's sort of the most free.

• 48:15Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 48:15Speaker 05

  And representative of the human spirit.

• 48:17Stavros Halkias?

  Of course. It's definitely not.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Standup is sort of, you kind of have to repeat yourself and like.

• 48:22Stavros Halkias?

  Not a warm-up activity for real art.

• 48:24Speaker 05

  You have to pretend that you're just thinking of this stuff as you're saying it meanwhile.

• 48:28Stavros Halkias?

  Some might say you're refining your art form instead of just making up bullshit.

• 48:34Speaker 05

  Meanwhile, I connect with the people there. And this show wouldn't have happened without them, but stand up is fine. Stand up is good, but you know. A lot of people kind of think improv is.

• 48:46Stavros Halkias?

  Improv is, yeah. They definitely don't think it's an acting exercise that people have stretched out way too fucking thin, that's for sure.

• 48:53Speaker 05

  I mean, layup lines are an exercise for, for the NBA, you know, it's like.

• 48:59Stavros Halkias?

  Right, would you watch televised layup lines? That's what, that's a great, actually, thank you, Zach. That's actually a perfect analogy. Would you pay to watch people do layup lines?

• 49:08Speaker 05

  Hold on, sorry.

• 49:09Stavros Halkias?

  That's what improv is.

• 49:10Speaker 05

  Sorry, hold on. What I meant to, I meant to say, layup lines, stand up is layup.

• 49:19Stavros Halkias?

  Nice try, dude. And scene. Got your ass.

• 49:24Speaker 05

  I'm gonna get destroyed in the, in the improv group chats after this.

• 49:28Stavros Halkias?

  You're so fucked, dude.

• 49:29Speaker 05

  They sent me here specifically to defend our art form.

• 49:32Stavros Halkias?

  The Trojan horse me?

• 49:33Speaker 05

  The whole first 30 minutes, I was sitting here waiting, like, when are we gonna defend improv?

• 49:36Stavros Halkias?

  When am I gonna, when am I gonna throw the layup line analogy?

• 49:39Speaker 05

  You crafted that, yeah.

• 49:40Stavros Halkias?

  See, dude, that's what happens when you plan. An improviser must be free, and I've taught you a lesson about your own art form, dude.

• 49:46Speaker 05

  You did. I, I should have arrived here with quiet mind and, you know.

• 49:53Stavros Halkias?

  I didn't let you zip saps up, that's what did it, dude.

• 49:56Speaker 05

  You didn't. We kind of fucking walked right in and got started. I was like, are we not gonna?

• 50:01Stavros Halkias?

  Are we not gonna feel our bodies in the space?

• 50:06Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, obviously, stand up is incredibly, we're both doing incredibly embarrassing things.

• 50:10Speaker 05

  What do you, do, before a show, what do you do to warm up?

• 50:13Stavros Halkias?

  Oh dude, I saw Mitch and fucking Zach, uh, and Zach, you're Zach. I saw Mitch and Gabris, uh, Mitch Gabris and Weiger, I went to the Doughboy Show in DC. And they went up to each other and were like, whatever, whatever happens up there, I have your back.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  Got your back, that's an improv.

• 50:28Stavros Halkias?

  And I was like, you guys have to be fucking kidding me.

• 50:31Speaker 05

  No, it's a beautiful, it's a beautiful brotherhood.

• 50:33Stavros Halkias?

  We're not going into war, you fucking pussies. We're about to fucking go podcast on stage.

• 50:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, but we're gonna change people's lives out there, and we take that responsibility seriously.

• 50:44Stavros Halkias?

  That's the thing, it's like they were serious.

• 50:46Speaker 05

  It's a magic trick. What we do is a magic trick. People can't believe what they're seeing.

• 50:53Stavros Halkias?

  That's true, man. You, you know what? You got me there. I respect improv.

• 50:57Speaker 05

  And have five of the last nine shows I've done been bad.

• 51:04Speaker 05

  Even though I've been doing it since fifth grade. Yes, but that's why it's fun.

• 51:09Stavros Halkias?

  That's what's beautiful.

• 51:10Speaker 05

  It's like NASCAR.

• 51:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 51:11Speaker 05

  You're there for the car crashing.

• 51:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, of course, of course.

• 51:14Speaker 05

  And I will give you one.

• 51:15Stavros Halkias?

  I can't wait to get to the point, this is the beauty of standup is like that happens, but it's like then you convince yourself you're a genius. When you start bombing, you're like, they don't get it.

• 51:23Speaker 05

  Actually, I'm just too fucking ahead of the curve.

• 51:26Stavros Halkias?

  I actually unfortunately kind of have reached that point where I, when I bomb, I'm like, this is better than doing good.

• 51:36Speaker 05

  Oh, no, dude.

• 51:37Stavros Halkias?

  I'm like, I'm like, you're telling it like it is.

• 51:40Speaker 05

  Doing good is kinda normal for me.

• 51:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's slavish devotion.

• 51:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, that kinda feels nice.

• 51:47Stavros Halkias?

  That's artistically interesting. To me, killing is nothing. Killing is old hat. That is so funny. You were doing it, you were about to start post-modern improv, dude. You're about to do the next wave.

• 51:59Speaker 05

  Seen the last few times I've been up there, I've been doing it.

• 52:02Stavros Halkias?

  Alright, now you're actually, now I'm interested. Go check out Zach, you'll never know when he's performing and he's probably telling people to keep his name off the website, but.

• 52:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, I do do that.

• 52:12Stavros Halkias?

  I love that, dude. Just absolutely fighting, uh, getting famous as much as you can. Well, good luck, pal. It's not gonna work. Um, we should fucking take some calls. What do you say, Aldous?

• 52:23Speaker 05

  Let's do it.

• 52:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I'm glad, I can't wait for you to help the people, Zach.

• 52:26Speaker 05

  This is good.

• 52:27Stavros Halkias?

  And I, this is the point where we plug things, but what we're gonna say is, stop looking for Zach. We're doing a reverse plug.

• 52:34Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 52:34Stavros Halkias?

  He does not want to be seen. Stop trying to find him. I guess see the stuff he's been in, right?

• 52:40Speaker 05

  You know what? I would like to plug, if you could put as much misinformation about me out there.

• 52:45Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, alright, great, great.

• 52:46Speaker 05

  As possible, so people can't even find me.

• 52:48Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, I like that.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  That would be appreciated, so.

• 52:51Stavros Halkias?

  Zach is from Trinidad and Tobago.

• 52:54Speaker 05

  I guarantee you, there's a bunch of people there who think I'm their cousin, so it's, that's fine. It's fine.

• 53:01Stavros Halkias?

  That's right. His, his father played Sega, not Nintendo.

• 53:05Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 53:05Stavros Halkias?

  That's the kinda.

• 53:06Speaker 05

  Famously, famously.

• 53:07Stavros Halkias?

  His dad was a big Sonic guy.

• 53:09Speaker 05

  My dad does know how to use Google Alerts, so he probably will see this and he will be mad about it.

• 53:16Stavros Halkias?

  I take it back, Mr. Cherry. You love Nintendo?

• 53:18Speaker 05

  He's gonna be like, "I didn't play Sega. What are you talking about?" What was that guy talking about?

• 53:23Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck that guy. I've become your father's sworn enemy now.

• 53:26Speaker 05

  No, he would like you more than me.

• 53:28Stavros Halkias?

  Bring him around, dude. We should do family pods.

• 53:32Speaker 05

  I'm not joking. My dad would fucking love to come on this show.

• 53:35Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, bring dad.

• 53:36Speaker 05

  He is very funny, and he thinks he's funnier than he is.

• 53:39Stavros Halkias?

  Awesome. That's actually so sick. I can't wait. Actually, this is a good thing. Can you imagine having, and then Mitch and his mom?

• 53:46Speaker 05

  I would, I would do it.

• 53:47Stavros Halkias?

  That would be awesome.

• 53:48Speaker 05

  And my dad would be, honestly, it would go to his head. It would change our relationship forever.

• 53:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Your dad's gonna come on this show more than you. He's gonna come do like fucking Patreon episodes. He's gonna do Cushy Brothers. We're gonna smoke weed and do the news with your dad.

• 54:06Speaker 06

  Oh, look. You just got added to a meeting about coordinating another meeting to prepare for the pre-meeting ahead of the follow-up meeting, which will, of course, require a recap meeting. And then another meeting. Hit your booking point, book with Southwest, and enter airplane mode.

• 54:32Speaker 07

  Every family has one. The person who says, "Oh, I don't want anything this year." Cool. Super helpful. Here's the fix. Coop Sleep Goods. It's the rare gift that gets used every single night instead of shoved in a closet by January. Coop's Holiday Gift Guide is now 25% off, packed with best-selling adjustable pillows, cooling sheets, and toppers. And while you're there, grab one for yourself. I mean, you've been powering through this whole year on fumes. You've earned it. Every order comes with a 100-night trial, so there's no guesswork. Give yourself a damn break.

• 55:08Speaker 07

  Get 25% off the Holiday Gift Guide for a limited time at coopsleepgoods.com/comedy. That's C-O-O-P. sleepgoods.com/comedy.

• 55:18Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, alright, let's play some fucking calls, Eldons.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  Hi, Stavi, Eldis, esteemed guests. Um, love you guys. Listen every week. Uh, Stavi, your laugh, fucking love it. Makes me so happy. Anyway, um, I have, I need some advice or maybe more an opinion, what you guys think.

• 55:40Stavros Halkias?

  I was reading my texts.

• 55:41Speaker 01

  So, when I met my boyfriend...

• 55:44Speaker 07

  And he had a dog already. He just got his dog like nine months before. He and I met.

• 55:53Speaker 07

  Um, like, I love this dog. I fucking love this dog so much. I love him as if he's my own. And.

• 56:00Stavros Halkias?

  I'm glad.

• 56:00Speaker 07

  Up until now, we've been together for nine years and I've never, he's never asked me. Um, to pay for or to he- to help pay for his vet bills. Now, I do a lot for this dog. Um, uh, like I said, I just, I love him so much. Um, it's so strange that for the first time in nine years. Uh, or this is the first time he's asking me when I've just started grad school. So obviously, like, I'm not working that much. I'm not bringing in a lot of, um, revenue. Um, and, oh, and also I have my own kid.

• 56:47Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, that is relevant.

• 56:48Speaker 07

  Have to pay for whatever, clothes, school trips, whatever he needs, right? And I never asked my partner to help me pay or to pay at all. So, um, when he asked me to chip in. Uh, I said, I can't really commit to that right now because I am in school. And I've got my kid, like, I've got to, like, I'm on this budget. And besides which, he makes three times more than I do.

• 57:22Stavros Halkias?

  Holy shit. What the fuck?

• 57:24Speaker 07

  Salary wise and.

• 57:27Stavros Halkias?

  That's all kind of all we need to know. Is there more, Aldis?

• 57:30Speaker 07

  He doesn't, I don't know if he really needs that help. He just kind of wants it.

• 57:35Stavros Halkias?

  He's a dickhead.

• 57:37Speaker 07

  What do you think? I, I would, I, if I could, I would contribute, but this is a hard time right now.

• 57:44Stavros Halkias?

  All right, we got it.

• 57:45Speaker 07

  For me.

• 57:47Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah.

• 57:47Speaker 05

  I'm really glad I'm here for this.

• 57:48Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, please, Zach, do you have something?

• 57:50Speaker 05

  No, I want to hear your, I know, I know, we've discussed our opinions on dogs.

• 57:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, that's true.

• 57:54Speaker 05

  You have your immigrant sensibility regarding dogs.

• 57:57Stavros Halkias?

  I really do not respect dogs.

• 58:00Speaker 05

  What do you have to say about this?

• 58:01Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, I'm gonna take myself out of this, right? This is not about me, we're talking about our friend. If this was me, I would, yeah, I'd be like, I don't fuck, I mean, whatever. Look, I'll take myself out of this, right? For this woman, a couple of things are interesting here. She's dating someone for, she said nine years.

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Nine years.

• 58:19Stavros Halkias?

  Nine years is a, like, I, I guess my first question is, what's going on here? She's got a kid, they've been together nine years. You're talking about this as if it's like, like, do you guys live together? What's the long-term plan? How serious is it? Because I would say, before knowing about the payment disparities, I would say asking you to go half on a pet is, in some ways, signs that you're getting closer together, right? And so, in some ways, it's a sign that like, oh, this is serious, we're essentially a married couple, or we're working our way towards, like, our lives have just been intertwined objectively. And hey, now that this is, where we feel comfortable in this relationship,

• 59:01Stavros Halkias?

  if we were two people making the same amount, and we both love the dog, we both, this has kind of become a part of our lives, it's not crazy to ask a partner to chip in for a dog that you've been-

• 59:13Speaker 05

  It's your shared-

• 59:14Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly. At this point, the, when you met him, it was, it was a puppy, but you've been with the dog for nine years.

• 59:21Speaker 05

  Right, I was gonna say, this dog, yeah. And the dog is kind of probably on its way to the multiplier here.

• 59:28Stavros Halkias?

  That is true, yeah, yeah.

• 59:29Speaker 05

  We don't know how big the dog is.

• 59:30Stavros Halkias?

  It's a big dog, it's not lasting long, true. So, I would say, in a vacuum, if that's the problem, I would say, this isn't a crazy ask, you guys have been together for a while, you're just kind of melding your life together, this might even be a sign that he wants to take things more seriously. But, first of all, I'm, I'm curious on how serious this relationship is. Is it like a lover's thing where you're dating, but you both have, you know, you're busy, you have a kid, he's got some high-paying job, you don't see anybody else, but you guys keep it, you have a, a non-traditional relationship that works for you, where you both kind of keep your life separate? That's one possibility.

• 1:00:08Stavros Halkias?

  So I'm like, and even in that case, then I'm like, well, he should really then just take care of his dog. Yeah. That's the case. Right. Is the dog the only thing that you're now kind of? Right. Do you live together? How much spend? How much time do you spend together? Yeah. Is the dog your only shared thing? And, and if that's the case, that's kind of weird. But ultimately, I would say like, if, you know, you're still in the right and you shouldn't pay anything in that case, it's kind of strange for him to, to be the one who, who to introduce this because hey, if, if now the floodgates are open for our shared stuff, it's like, is there other stuff he should be chipping in on? Whatever. But now the, the, the instructive part for me that actually overrides all this is, he makes three times what she fucking makes? Yeah.

• 1:00:53Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking crazy. And you said, and you said, and also, oh, right. I have. Oh, I have a kid like. That was sort of a late in the, in the call. Totally. It's a, and by the way, he's been, I guess that's another thing. He's been in this kid's life nine years? Nine years. Like, I guess that's my. Yeah. Predates the relationship. Right, right, right. That'd be awesome. We don't know. That'd be awesome if she's got a four year old by somebody else. And it's like, and this guy, or maybe she just had a kid with somebody else and he's like, and he's just the most passive aggressive guy. He's like, pay for half the dog food. He's mad she cheated on him and had a kid. But won't bring that up at all. I'm just like, I need money for Kimball, bitch.

• 1:01:33Stavros Halkias?

  That would be really funny. Yeah. But presumably that's not the case. I doubt it. So I like that guy though. That guy would be awesome. Like, buy fucking Milk Bones or what, and put them on the counter. Uh, okay. So I guess that's my, oh, that's my question is like, this to me feels like a really good opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Cause what you're describing makes no sense to me. It is confusing. I have no handle on what the fuck is going on. How committed is he to your fucking kid? Like, we're talking about, yeah, you've been around his dog for nine years. He's been around your fucking kid for nine years. I mean, it, and it is crazy to say, like, I know you need to use this money for your kid's stuff. Of course.

• 1:02:17Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Johnny needs braces. For my dog. But my dog's coat isn't looking as lustrous as usual. Yeah. I'd love to get my dog red light therapy. Um, could your kid not get new glasses this fucking year? So anyway, that's my big, like, okay. If we're just gonna do the facts of the case, three times as much, it's crazy for him to ask you that. Then my spidey senses are like, why is he asking you that? Is it an, an honest like, hey, I want us to meld our lives together, but I don't wanna have the conversation, so we're, I'm just gonna, like, like, is that the case? In which case, let's talk about where our relationship is going. But to me, this is a really good moment for you to be like, hey, what is our fucking relationship?

• 1:03:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 1:03:02Stavros Halkias?

  Well, what's going on here?

• 1:03:03Speaker 05

  You've, you've come down a lot more reasonably than I anticipated.

• 1:03:07Stavros Halkias?

  You thought I was gonna say kills the dog? I'm glad the dog's still alive. It ain't my fucking dog, alright? If I had a dog, so I come in my fucking room, like, I think it's fuck, uh, people are gonna be so mad at me. I just think dogs should be outside, they should be eating your leftovers. If a dog needs surgery, the dog is dead as far, you know what I mean, like? If a dog, if a dog needs surgery, give it, feed it wagyu until it dies. But I'm not spending two, two grand on a dog. That's my stance.

• 1:03:37Speaker 05

  Two grand? That's for me, that's, we're racking that up pretty quick on my, on my dog.

• 1:03:43Stavros Halkias?

  Maybe I wouldn't now, cause I haven't, have enough money, but like, when I was fucking broke, I'm not spending money on a fucking dog.

• 1:03:49Speaker 05

  I didn't have a dog until I...

• 1:03:50Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, that's fair, it's a luxury thing. Anyway, that's, I do have an immigrant sensibility on dogs, people know this, if I were to speak, if I were to make my notes clear about the Michael Vick situation, people would be very upset at me if they knew how I really felt in my heart, right? And I'm not putting, I'm not putting that out there, I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not on record about that, right? But, but, but in this case, I can put all that aside and be an objective, uh, this is not about the dog. It, this is, this could be his, this could be anything that the guy is asking for, right?

• 1:04:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's weird that it's about the dog. Now, my first instinct, of course, kid's nine years old.

• 1:04:31Speaker 05

  He could get a job and start to chip in, start to chip in for this dog. I assume the dog is friendly with the kid.

• 1:04:38Stavros Halkias?

  It's probably more than nine, I'm sure she wasn't right.

• 1:04:40Speaker 05

  Probably a twelve year old, so.

• 1:04:42Stavros Halkias?

  Twelve at least, something like that.

• 1:04:42Speaker 05

  You know, I think this is possibly a beautiful learning opportunity. Give the kids some responsibility.

• 1:04:48Stavros Halkias?

  Get it out of school, have it be a full-time dog tender.

• 1:04:52Speaker 05

  Sure, yeah.

• 1:04:52Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:04:53Speaker 05

  Because, you know, honestly, skills-based jobs is really where we're heading. Get into a vet tech program now.

• 1:05:00Stavros Halkias?

  Vet tech, yeah.

• 1:05:00Speaker 05

  You start at twelve?

• 1:05:01Stavros Halkias?

  Start a dog walking business at twelve.

• 1:05:02Speaker 05

  You're, you're good.

• 1:05:04Stavros Halkias?

  Scale up, ten x that business.

• 1:05:05Speaker 05

  That actually is something AI probably won't touch, is dog care.

• 1:05:09Stavros Halkias?

  Dog care, that's true. Yeah, have your kid, have your kid look after your boyfriend's dog for a living. That's our advice. But yeah, look, make a fucking figure out what's going on here. I'd actually love to talk to this person on a live call. See if you can, you know, uh, see if we can get them for something.

• 1:05:27Speaker 05

  And let's get more details about the dog, some pictures maybe. If there's any videos of the dog running around having fun.

• 1:05:33Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 1:05:33Speaker 05

  I'd like to see those.

• 1:05:34Stavros Halkias?

  I don't, listen, I'd like to see those too, it's just I don't want, anyway, it doesn't matter. I think dogs are, I'm not anti-dog, I just think we pamper them too much in America, that's all. Uh, but, you know, you, you have a cute dog named Shrek.

• 1:05:47Speaker 05

  I do. I almost wore, I have, my mother-in-law got me a shirt that has my dog on it and a little heartbeat thing. And I almost wore it today just to piss you off.

• 1:05:56Stavros Halkias?

  About, yeah, about how much, yeah, people fucking love their dogs too much. But anyway, whatever, it's fine. It's fine, there's nothing to interrogate, the people spend thousands of dollars on their dogs, but there's homeless people everywhere in America, not, that's not weird.

• 1:06:09Speaker 05

  I didn't know about that.

• 1:06:10Stavros Halkias?

  That's.

• 1:06:11Speaker 05

  I'm just, I'm just hearing about that and I'm gonna adjust my spending. You're saying all over America.

• 1:06:18Stavros Halkias?

  All over America. All I'm saying is, I have the moral high ground when I ignore a homeless person.

• 1:06:23Speaker 05

  Maybe we have a housing supply issue because the podcasting studios are.

• 1:06:27Stavros Halkias?

  That's filling up. Spare bedrooms across Queens.

• 1:06:32Speaker 05

  Are filled with podcasting equipment.

• 1:06:35Stavros Halkias?

  We have fucking four of these peppered in each burrow, just in case you need to. I do right now, have three spaces that are technically a podcast studio. We're gonna get that down to one, folks. Anyway, good luck, good luck, sister.

• 1:06:52Stavros Halkias?

  Uh oh. Oh no.

• 1:06:54Speaker 05

  Fuck, what the hell is going on?

• 1:06:56Stavros Halkias?

  Shit, I'm scared, Eldis. I'm fucking scared. Is it time?

• 1:07:01Speaker 05

  To keep it twisted?

• 1:07:03Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, holy shit, what the hell?

• 1:07:08Speaker 05

  There's no shot this fits on my head, wow.

• 1:07:11Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, look at that, fits my head.

• 1:07:12Speaker 05

  Holy shit.

• 1:07:13Stavros Halkias?

  This big ass hat.

• 1:07:16Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, it's time for the motherfucking twisted ass fucked up question of the week.

• 1:07:20Speaker 05

  This isn't even on the, on the furthest setting it fit on my head.

• 1:07:23Stavros Halkias?

  Twisted T is an ally to the plus size community.

• 1:07:26Speaker 05

  That's beautiful.

• 1:07:26Stavros Halkias?

  Look at that. Let's, can we, Twisted T, can we get a hat for Zach?

• 1:07:29Speaker 05

  Please.

• 1:07:30Stavros Halkias?

  For Emmy nominated actor Zach Cherry.

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  That's beautiful. I haven't been able to put on an off the rack hat in fucking 10 years.

• 1:07:38Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, that's the best advertising we're gonna do for Twisted T.

• 1:07:41Speaker 05

  That's beautiful.

• 1:07:41Stavros Halkias?

  And we have the motherfucking ass fucked up question of the week. Eldis, go ahead, please.

• 1:07:48Speaker 07

  Team to guess, uh, big fan, medium amount of time listener. I just found out that my boyfriend used to be in like, a semi-serious-ish relationship with a porn star.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  Keep it twisted.

• 1:08:06Stavros Halkias?

  He's keeping it twisted as hell.

• 1:08:07Speaker 07

  It made me so insecure. Um, one of his friends mentioned it like, on accident and passing. Um, we didn't really talk about it for a while, cause he said he didn't want me to know and like, we don't really talk about our exes.

• 1:08:19Stavros Halkias?

  That's fair.

• 1:08:21Speaker 07

  I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do now, because it makes me so, so insecure about myself. Like, I don't fuck professionally, you know? Like, she is the Roger Federer of sex. Also, I looked her up, because of course I did. Um, she's not like, oh, she's done OnlyFans a couple times, like, she's like a porn star. Like, rathers 350k followers on Instagram, like, a star. Um, and so it's like, yeah, you know, I don't, there's no way I'm as good in bed as that girl. Um, also, our bodies are like, really different. Like, she's like 5'2" and like, giant tits, like, natural 36 H's.

• 1:09:06Speaker 07

  Which is crazy. I'm like five eight. I'm I'm more of an ass gal. I'm Puerto Rican, so I'm a great ass. I can't lie. But like, my kids are cute. They're cute. They're not life-changing. They're like a solid, low-level C, you know, but they're not.

• 1:09:19Stavros Halkias?

  She's talking about C's being a problem?

• 1:09:21Speaker 07

  So differently and proportioned so differently that it's like, how could you be with someone with that body and also enjoy my body? Like, he probably just doesn't enjoy it as much. And then there's like this whole, like, I'm not, I'm not ugly. I don't think I'm ugly. I was like, sorority girl at like a big party school, like, I grew up pretty hot. I've never thought of myself as like gross looking.

• 1:09:47Stavros Halkias?

  You're probably very beautiful.

• 1:09:49Speaker 07

  The social capital aspect of like dating a porn star as a guy, like, you kind of just can't compete with that, you know?

• 1:09:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, you can. In fact, you've defeated that.

• 1:09:58Speaker 07

  How hot I am. I'm never gonna be someone who is professionally hot, who you like brag to your friends about, you know?

• 1:10:05Stavros Halkias?

  That's a, you're thinking of a model.

• 1:10:06Speaker 07

  I don't know what to do with this information. And I feel like I don't want to have more conversations with him about it. It's gonna make me look insecure as fuck. So, what do I do?

• 1:10:16Stavros Halkias?

  Well, it's very funny that society's gone so far. Like, maybe we are too progressive, because it's like, it's like, one thing to not dis- look, we should not disrespect sex workers. We should not, we should not think of porn stars as someone who's not deserving of real relationships. But we also shouldn't pretend that someone who's not a sex worker can't compete with dating a porn star, because, yes, there's positives, but there, you could argue there might be some negatives to that. I'm not sure society is there yet. That might be a particular, uh, neuroses, which is very understandable. Understandable. But, but like, don't sweat it. Don't sweat it. Like, here's the thing. Um, you don't have to be professionally, first of all,

• 1:11:02Stavros Halkias?

  he's attracted to you. He wants to be, he thinks you're hot, clearly. Also, something I have a problem with, and I fe- this is a type, this is something I face, discrimination I face, is that, yes, I'm on record as loving big fat jugs, but I like all jugs. That's right. And, and also, someone could be hiding-

• 1:11:18Speaker 06

  Put that can down.

• 1:11:20Stavros Halkias?

  Why is it blocking me?

• 1:11:21Speaker 06

  A little, partially.

• 1:11:22Stavros Halkias?

  The fuck, why did you say something fucking sooner, you fucking idiot? This fucking thing's been going five minutes.

• 1:11:27Speaker 06

  Wait, we gotta, I thought that I'd go back.

• 1:11:29Stavros Halkias?

  Anyway, whatever. Fucking dumbass. Um-

• 1:11:33Stavros Halkias?

  I would say, look, he, uh, he dated, like, there's, you just happen to know about the person he dated that's gonna make you insecure, right? You've learned this information, there's people you've dated that would probably make him insecure.

• 1:11:50Speaker 05

  But I think you gotta, you gotta take this as a win, like, if you're gonna think about it on your terms of like, you're, you're who he's choosing now.

• 1:11:59Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 1:12:00Speaker 05

  So you, you actually are, are what he want, like, if I found out my wife used to date, um, who's the funniest guy in history? Um, Woody Allen. I would be, I would be like, that's awesome, I, I, you know, I'm the guy who got, you know, like, so I think you can, you've gotta take this as a, as a big W.

• 1:12:25Stavros Halkias?

  I think this is a W for sure. I think like, that actually is a good point, that it's, you know, you're in that, you're in the league, you're, you're, you're in a sisterhood with this woman. Uh, and also, it's like, look, people date a lot of people, and sometimes, some people, they're, and look, I'm not even gonna say, maybe this guy, obviously, he was very attracted to this person. But sometimes, it's like, this actually, you know what this is? This is the flip that usually only men have to deal with. This is the flip side of the term boyfriend dick. You heard that term, where they're like, it's, they're like, oh, your dick is, you have the perfect boyfriend dick, cause it's not too big. It's like a used, it's like a dick for day to day, right? And that's something that women have said as a compliment.

• 1:13:05Speaker 05

  That's something, if I got the surgery, then I would achieve.

• 1:13:10Stavros Halkias?

  Then you could get the boyfriend dick, yeah, sure, sure. I'd love to get there, but the, the, the, the thought process is, oh, you have a day to day dick, the kinda dick I can build a life with, right? I don't want one of those big, you know, show off, huge cocks, I gotta do, you know, I gotta do like, stretches afterwards, whatever.

• 1:13:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:30Stavros Halkias?

  Women usually don't deal with that. You could argue, the flip side of, of that, like, of, of a woman dating a porn, um, a male porn star that's just hot, like, the flip side of that would be, you know, if I met somebody who was dating somebody who was, who had a huge hog, I would, maybe would be a little insecure, but I would also be like, well, She pro- that's not who she wanted to be with all the time.

• 1:13:52Speaker 05

  Right.

• 1:13:52Stavros Halkias?

  That was probably a fling in her life. And who knows how long it was and, and you know. This is the equivalent of like, yes, you're not shaped. You don't look, you don't whatever as a porn star with huge jugs or whatever like, that's not you. But you are also, you're, you're also hot. And you're hot in a way that he wants to settle down and build a life with, right?

• 1:14:14Speaker 05

  And I will also say, I think a lot of it probably is coming from like. You know. If he was dating someone who looked exactly the same, but wasn't a porn star.

• 1:14:22Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 1:14:23Speaker 05

  It wouldn't be as crazy making. I think the fact that she is like, has this profile, she has all these people following her. That's probably part of it too, because like, all of that is, is bleeding into your perception of her. Whereas if this was someone who had the identical body and was just a person.

• 1:14:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:41Speaker 05

  It probably wouldn't feel as, you know, you wouldn't feel as insecure about it. So like. I think that's a lot of baggage that it makes sense.

• 1:14:48Stavros Halkias?

  It's double. It's like you, you are, you are dealing with both. Somebody dating somebody famous and.

• 1:14:54Speaker 05

  Good at fucking.

• 1:14:54Stavros Halkias?

  And good at fucking and a body type that like, you know. Um, and look, I'll say that yes, this is, she is, let's see, she, she, what did she say? Lance Armstrong? Who did she say? Roger Federer. Roger Federer or fucking? Let's just say, that's a good one and that's awesome.

• 1:15:11Speaker 05

  But he was kinda known as being a little bit kinda like.

• 1:15:14Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 1:15:15Speaker 05

  The flashy is.

• 1:15:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, I.

• 1:15:17Speaker 05

  He was kind of a lunch pail legend.

• 1:15:19Stavros Halkias?

  But he showed up and put in the. That's awesome. But here's, here's what I'll say. Is your boyfriend fucking Nadal? Can he, can he put up with Federer?

• 1:15:29Speaker 05

  Good question.

• 1:15:29Stavros Halkias?

  Cause let's, look, I might have. Let's say I have a little firsthand experience in this realm. It, it fucking somebody who does porn feels like you're like. I feel like I'm a guy playing Roger. Imagine what it would look like me trying to play Roger Federer. I'm not in that league.

• 1:15:47Speaker 05

  Right.

• 1:15:48Stavros Halkias?

  It's a little overwhelming. I can't keep up.

• 1:15:50Speaker 05

  It shouldn't have been sanctioned by the Athletic Committee.

• 1:15:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's like, he can't keep up, and it's like, yeah, maybe it was a thrill. But he was at fantasy camp, and he's like, this is not who I am. You know what I mean? Can your boyfriend fuck professionally? Can he put up with that? And also, it's like, there's just, you just don't know anything about. You're also kind of putting these people up on a pedestal that they're not regular people. She was, she's just, at the end of the day, she's just a person, right? Has her own problems, and how somebody looks, and even the stuff you're thinking of as positives, it could probably take a toll on somebody. Like, it's not fun to date someone who is, like, like, famous, or like, you know, uh, or, like, there's so many negatives that come with this,

• 1:16:34Stavros Halkias?

  that it's like, you know, it's just, you're, you're over, I really think you're overthinking this.

• 1:16:39Speaker 05

  Definitely.

• 1:16:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yours is the person he wants to be with. We all have people in our past that, you know, would make a partner insecure if they knew about the details. It just so happens, you get to fucking, there's, you know, there's a lot of stuff on the internet that makes you, that you can remind, that shows you exactly what you're insecure about. I think, now, in terms of, like, advice for this,

• 1:17:01Stavros Halkias?

  I don't even think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. You know what I mean? It's like, I think this is just something you need to understand as like, any ex, this is kind of why asking about body count, exes, what did you really gain from it?

• 1:17:15Speaker 05

  But I do, I think it would be, you know, I'm thinking of if I was this guy, I would probably want to hear that you were feeling this, so that I could reassure you.

• 1:17:24Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right.

• 1:17:25Speaker 05

  And be like, that's not who I fucking want to be with. So like-

• 1:17:28Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's interesting.

• 1:17:29Speaker 05

  I would, I would want to know that you were feeling this way, because then I would be like, that, I mean, I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but that, like, I'm with you for a reason.

• 1:17:38Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, and I guess this, this also goes to, how, what's the rest of the relationship like?

• 1:17:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:17:45Stavros Halkias?

  You know? Because is this somebody that you see with, like, having a real, do you see this as something that could be, like, long-term? Because if that's the case, then yeah, maybe have a conversation about it, be like, hey, I just want you to know- You know, I get why you didn't tell me, because we didn't, it's not like, it's not like when you date someone, you go through an itemized list of who you fucked, that's insane, or even who you've dated. You're like, I get why you didn't tell me, but I'm just feeling a little insecure, can we have like a conversation about it? I don't even know, like, yeah, I guess if it was me, I'd be like, you know, I just happened to date her. It also shows that you, this guy is kind of open-minded in some ways, you know, that, that like, he does, he does just see a hot, a hot-ass sex worker as a person he would date, and not just a, a pure object of lust, perhaps.

• 1:18:29Stavros Halkias?

  So, you know, may, if you wanna have, if it's something that's really, if you see this as, as a serious relationship and something you want to work through, there's nothing wrong with having the conversation, being like, "Hey, maybe if you've noticed me being kinda weird." Yeah. This just, because that's what, that's really what you're doing, you're almost like, explaining what's going on with you, where you're like, "This is just what happened." And if you do bring it up. And then he's weird about it, then you've, sure, you, you, you've fast forwarded and you've got that information now. Yeah, that, that's actually a good point, it's like, having the conversation also just shows like, how he handles with any, how he would handle any difficult weird conversation. If he's understanding, if he reassures you, if he lets you know, then you got a winner, if you're, if he's like, if he's bringing up.

• 1:19:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, he's like, "Yeah, she was fucking awesome." "God, I wish you would fucking text me back, so I don't have to fuck these frumpy Puerto Ricans anymore." If he does that, then yeah, maybe that's not your husband, but if he's like, if he's like, "Come on, no, no, no, we just dated, it was, you know, it was a fling." "I love you so much, like this, I don't even, don't think like that for a second." You know, and he might tell you like the, the flip side of dating somebody who's in the public eye, who's like, you know, there's, there's, there are negatives, so I would just say, all of it evens out, and you choose people for what, who you wanna be with, and he's with you now, so I would say, take it, you know, it's beautiful, it's beautiful right now, it's mid-April, take him outside. You know what I mean? Hit a picnic table and get an ice cold twisted tea.

• 1:19:57Stavros Halkias?

  Share, reunite, like, almost like, uh, rededicate your love by sharing maybe a raspberry ice cold twisted tea. Or perhaps a peach. Perhaps peach, it is, you know, peach, it's out there, it's, it's, that's a spring fruit. Or of course, original. Original or half and half. You could share a whole game day pack amongst you, that's beautiful. They're all so good. They're all, they're all so good, it's hard to make a decision. So yeah, that's the, that's the twisted ass, motherfucking ass, twisted, twisted question of the week. Sponsored by Twisted Tea. And shout out to, uh, you know, to you and the girl that your ex, or your current partner you're dating. Holy fuck, we're getting the fuck, we're going into the regular zone. I didn't know if you did it both ways.

• 1:20:42Stavros Halkias?

  You're right, you're right, no, thank you, you reminded me. Yeah, she sounds hot, I mean, our caller sounds hot too, if I'm being completely honest. Sees? She's got a big ass and she has seas and she's like, you're hot also. Relax. Anyway, we covered it. Next question. I just, I'm just now getting horny for both of them. I'm like.

• 1:21:01Speaker 06

  Thirty-six H porn star tits size.

• 1:21:03Stavros Halkias?

  Thirty-six H?

• 1:21:04Speaker 06

  There's actually, I just Googled it real fast, there is a directory that's like, big titty model or something that.

• 1:21:10Stavros Halkias?

  This is the first time you're finding out about it?

• 1:21:12Speaker 06

  Yeah, it actually is somehow.

• 1:21:14Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, okay, yeah, there is, you're right. There's a lot of them with thirty-six H, damn! There's a ton of them. Big breasted ladies on the internet? This is fucking awesome, dude, holy shit. Yeah, it's actually impossible to find out with just thirty-six H. Hmm, who's this lady, I don't know her. Thank you caller for, uh. This is fucking awesome, holy shit. For queuing up some of the. Dude, you just, yeah. Few sashes. This is kinda sick. Ooh.

• 1:21:43Speaker 06

  Damn, we won't put this on the screen.

• 1:21:45Stavros Halkias?

  Jesus Christ, fellas. Oh, nice. Damn, those are huge. Anyway.

• 1:21:52Speaker 06

  I'm trying to understand the caller a little more.

• 1:21:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, but. Seem like nice.

• 1:21:56Speaker 06

  I know.

• 1:21:57Stavros Halkias?

  You know.

• 1:21:57Speaker 06

  No, no. Your tits, your seas are fine.

• 1:22:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, your big asses are beaut- if we did the big ass image search, we'd be doing the same thing. Of course, of course. Uh, anyway, keep going. Any pornos ever sliding those DMs, Zach?

• 1:22:13Speaker 05

  No, I-

• 1:22:14Stavros Halkias?

  You're a married man, of course.

• 1:22:15Speaker 05

  I am a married man. My wife, we, we met because she tweeted at me.

• 1:22:20Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 1:22:21Speaker 05

  But not even DM, my DMs were closed.

• 1:22:23Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 1:22:24Speaker 05

  And now I'm not even on any, I'm off all that.

• 1:22:26Stavros Halkias?

  She got while the getting was good.

• 1:22:28Speaker 05

  I did, yeah, I completed my mission.

• 1:22:31Stavros Halkias?

  Damn dude, I respect the way you live your life. You, a hot girl tweets at you, you're like, this is my wife, I'm never going outside.

• 1:22:38Speaker 05

  And I'm deleting all social media. I'm deleting all social media.

• 1:22:41Stavros Halkias?

  I have a lot to learn from the way you live, dude. You live the clean version of my life.

• 1:22:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:22:47Stavros Halkias?

  The godly version of my life.

• 1:22:49Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 1:22:49Stavros Halkias?

  Get a hot woman's attention by your dumb form of comedy. Immediately wipe her up.

• 1:22:54Speaker 05

  I trained since 5th grade to attract my wife.

• 1:22:57Stavros Halkias?

  That's kind of beautiful. Improv is like your version of like one of those stupid matings dances a bird does, you know?

• 1:23:03Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:23:04Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, respect.

• 1:23:05Speaker 05

  She came to a show, literally.

• 1:23:06Stavros Halkias?

  Wow. Lucky, look at that, that's beautiful, man.

• 1:23:11Speaker 02

  Elvis, esteemed guest, um, so I've got a question that I know for sure you guys can help me with.

• 1:23:17Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:23:17Speaker 02

  Um, so I just got a CPAP.

• 1:23:20Stavros Halkias?

  Mmm.

• 1:23:21Speaker 02

  I, uh, I've always snored, every partner I've ever had has told me I'm a snore, whatever. Um, but what finally made me get it was my blood pressures got really high, so, you know, trying to stay healthy and, you know, be around for the kids and all that. Got the CPAP, um, I've got a beard and, like I said, I snore, I kind of mouth breathe when I sleep, so they put me right in with like the, the over the mouth and nose type mask and, uh, Scotty, I, I can't, I can't sleep, this is fucking horrible, it gives me panic attacks to wear this. Um, the, the stress of trying to hit like the, the four hours for the insurance that I don't have to pay even more is also freaking me the fuck out.

• 1:24:04Stavros Halkias?

  What?

• 1:24:05Speaker 02

  So, like, I'm trying to wear it during the day and get used to it that way. Uh, and then, you know, adapt to it at night later, but like, I, I just, I don't know how I'm ever gonna get this to work. So, uh, yeah, any advice, uh, for how to adapt to a CPAP would be super great, uh, thanks buddy, love ya.

• 1:24:23Stavros Halkias?

  Great question, we have-

• 1:24:24Speaker 05

  Why'd you pick this one for me?

• 1:24:29Speaker 05

  The fuck?

• 1:24:30Stavros Halkias?

  We do have two on record CPAP users and a third should be using a CPAP in the room right now.

• 1:24:36Speaker 05

  This is Eldis' call?

• 1:24:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:40Stavros Halkias?

  Eldis really just does not-

• 1:24:41Speaker 05

  When did you first CPAP?

• 1:24:43Stavros Halkias?

  It's been years now. I was thinking about this because I'm like, do I need to get a new machine? Because this, this is pre, pre pandemic, uh, 2019 maybe, 18 even?

• 1:24:51Speaker 05

  I still had my like regular office job when I got it because I was straight up falling asleep at my desk.

• 1:24:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah dude, I, I would fall asleep driving all the time. I would drive home from DC to Baltimore and I was like, and that's why I was like, maybe I should get a fucking-

• 1:25:05Speaker 05

  Something's happening.

• 1:25:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, it's tough. Uh, what, what, what's your setup Zach? Do you have it over the nose?

• 1:25:11Speaker 05

  I have the nose because I also have a beard. So, so you just need to tell them you're not going to wear that kind of mask. I remember when I went in for my study, they were like, yeah, it's got to go over your whole face and mask or like nose and mouth. So you gotta shave your beard. And I was like, uh, no.

• 1:25:29Speaker 05

  I was like, I'm an actor. I need like, uh, you know, this is kind of my look. Like I'm not going to fucking shave my beard. And then they're like, oh, well, you have one that just goes on your nose. And I was like, why did you not?

• 1:25:38Stavros Halkias?

  Why didn't we just start with that?

• 1:25:39Speaker 05

  Yeah. So yeah, you gotta be your own advocate in this situation.

• 1:25:42Stavros Halkias?

  I think so too.

• 1:25:43Speaker 05

  And even like, I'm not going to wear that.

• 1:25:44Stavros Halkias?

  And even you worrying about the insurance and shit, like you're worried about the wrong stuff, dude. Think of this as like, you want to save your life.

• 1:25:51Speaker 05

  And it will get better.

• 1:25:52Stavros Halkias?

  It will, for sure.

• 1:25:53Speaker 05

  Taking naps with it is a good idea to just get used to it like a couple hours at a time.

• 1:25:58Stavros Halkias?

  Yep, yep.

• 1:25:59Speaker 05

  But you'll, like, I don't even fucking think about it.

• 1:26:02Stavros Halkias?

  Totally. In fact, now if I don't, I start getting nervous the opposite way where it's like, if I don't, or like if my plans change or like,

• 1:26:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:10Stavros Halkias?

  I'll never put my CPAP in my, in checked luggage ever. It's always got to be with me.

• 1:26:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:16Stavros Halkias?

  Because I'm like, I really, at this point, I do not get good sleep without it.

• 1:26:19Speaker 05

  No, it's terrible.

• 1:26:20Stavros Halkias?

  So it does get better. I'm also a nose guy, right? So I have my shit right over my nose, um, even though I don't have a beard. Uh, uh, you know, I have, that's, God forced me to live fat with no good beard, which is so fucked up. Um, because I do see, it really is awesome how- Like there's that, you remember how that viral thing that guy got that had an awesome beard and then they

• 1:26:41Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:26:42Stavros Halkias?

  He was fat as fuck.

• 1:26:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:43Stavros Halkias?

  That was sad. That was tough.

• 1:26:45Speaker 05

  Tragedy.

• 1:26:45Stavros Halkias?

  Well, maybe we can insert that in the, in the episode, Eldis.

• 1:26:48Speaker 05

  We gotta, we gotta get in touch with that guy.

• 1:26:50Stavros Halkias?

  Honestly, yeah.

• 1:26:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:52Stavros Halkias?

  We do. We need to buy him beard growth serum. They fuck completely nerfed that poor fat man.

• 1:26:57Speaker 05

  We need to reach out to all the humiliated fat individuals.

• 1:27:01Stavros Halkias?

  That is true.

• 1:27:01Speaker 05

  Across the internet and hook them up.

• 1:27:03Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. It's like, hey, man, you, you, you've been humiliated as a fat person on the internet. You can eat burgers with me.

• 1:27:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:27:09Stavros Halkias?

  Zach, Gamers and Mitch.

• 1:27:11Speaker 05

  Like how Ellen used to invite on all the, you know, damn Daniels.

• 1:27:15Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right.

• 1:27:16Speaker 05

  We can do that for all the fat viral.

• 1:27:17Stavros Halkias?

  Only the fat viral ones, yeah. No, yes, it's the first guy. I mean, that's brutal.

• 1:27:23Speaker 05

  Sir?

• 1:27:23Stavros Halkias?

  That's really tough stuff.

• 1:27:26Speaker 05

  Reach out, we salute you.

• 1:27:27Stavros Halkias?

  You can see in his eyes how fucked he is. He knows, dude. Look how confident he is. He looks so much cooler on the left.

• 1:27:34Speaker 05

  Awesome.

• 1:27:34Stavros Halkias?

  It's not, he looks like, oh, poor guy.

• 1:27:36Speaker 05

  Like an all pro center.

• 1:27:38Stavros Halkias?

  Totally.

• 1:27:39Speaker 05

  On the left and then like a cop.

• 1:27:41Stavros Halkias?

  He, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes. He looks like a racist cop.

• 1:27:45Speaker 05

  He looks like a racist all pro center and then on the right he looks like.

• 1:27:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, both guys are into the concept of Valhalla for, for different reasons. Uh, but yeah, poor guy. They nerfed him. Anyway. Uh, so yeah, dude, I would say our general advice here is, yeah, try and go nose. He says he's a mouth breather. So if you have to, tape your mouth.

• 1:28:08Speaker 05

  Tape your mouth.

• 1:28:09Stavros Halkias?

  Do some no, and put it over your nose.

• 1:28:11Speaker 05

  When I first started wearing it, I straight up, I would sleep like with my, I would sleep with my hands like To close my mouth. On the bottom of my chin to close my mouth to just like, and now I don't need to do that. But when I first started, that, that helped me.

• 1:28:25Stavros Halkias?

  You'll get used to it, yeah. I was lucky because I, I, I'm not a mouth breather. So it was, I will say, I was just immediately, I took to it. I was born to wear a CPAP. You know, God knew, like as a baby, I was like destined to have, to need a CPAP. So I took to it fast as fuck. I don't even need the fucking, cause you, you can like humidify it.

• 1:28:45Speaker 05

  I know, that's, it's crazy that you do that.

• 1:28:47Stavros Halkias?

  Bro, I go fucking dry, dude. That's how much I love and respect my CPAP.

• 1:28:51Speaker 05

  I will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and my water has run out during the night and it's, I'm like, I immediately start coughing. My like nose is burning.

• 1:29:01Stavros Halkias?

  Not me, dude. I'm built for it dude. You live every day. I'm built for this lifestyle dude. Um, so yeah dude, I would say you got, you're trying to stay around for kids, you're trying to do all this shit. Look at it as the medicine is failing, you're, you're just still in the tooling phase of it. Try a different mask, go back to your doctor, look at this, you're also a fat man who doesn't think, who doesn't assert himself, who doesn't think he deserves to be heard in this world, that happens a lot, I, I fear, I hear some of that being a fat loser creeping up. And understand that you need to advocate for yourself and look at it as them failing you, right? Not you can't adapt, it's like, where the fuck is, you know I have a beard. There's all kinds of masks. Why you giving me this fucking bullshit? There's the ones that like just sit on your nose, there's the ones that go around your nose.

• 1:29:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I got the little right around the nose that works. Keep trying different ones.

• 1:29:48Stavros Halkias?

  There's ones that go up and over your head. Yeah. Also, there's all sorts of like accessories you can get, where like I have a pillow with a little cutout in the middle. Oh wow. So my mask can fit, like so I can sleep on my, on my belly, yeah. You're, you're operating at levels I'm, I've never even thought about. This is the one thing I like evangelize about because it legit changed my life. Me too. Giving CPAP, so like, stick with it, it, it makes your life so much better, it's, yeah. Yeah. You'll figure it out. You just gotta stick with it, don't quit on it, cause I have, I've heard people are like, I just couldn't do it. And what it really is, and, and I kinda had this too, is like, you don't wanna think of yourself as a guy who's so fat, he needs a device to survive sleep. Oh yeah. But unfortunately you are, and you can either be in denial. Yes.

• 1:30:31Stavros Halkias?

  And die earlier, or figure it out, you know what I mean? Cause I, I know guys who like are kind of on the cusp of being fat, again, Eldis is a perfect example. He thinks he's too good for a CPAP, he's going to die, he's going to die, it's gonna be sad as fuck, if I outlive you, that's gonna be pathetic dude. Let me, let me ask you a question, before you got a CPAP, did you notice, did you like feel that your sleep was bad, like? Before a sleep study, were you like, something feels abnormal, abnormal here?

• 1:30:59Speaker 05

  For me, no. I sleep well. But then I would be tired all the time. But like when I woke up, I didn't think like, oh, man, I got a shitty night's sleep.

• 1:31:10Stavros Halkias?

  I thought, if anything, I just thought like, oh, I didn't, I went to bed too late. The hard thing to say is like, it was hard to tell because my sleep was all over the place. And you thought you're like, oh, I didn't do, I didn't go to bed early. I don't have a, like, but it is a night and day difference now. Like now I can tell. Now, like, there are times where you're just like, you know, you're traveling or you stay somewhere you don't expect to. And you just like, wake up and it's just like, you know, you don't feel horrible, but compared to a CPAP night's sleep. It's just like, or I would need a lot of sleep to feel, to feel recharged.

• 1:31:44Speaker 05

  I haven't even, the only time I've had a CPAPless night in the last decade was when I had to get my new machine and they had to do another test. And they made me sleep without it and I was so fucking mad at them. I just, I just, I keep, I keep that thing on me.

• 1:32:01Stavros Halkias?

  Hey, I don't think I'm too good for it. I don't think I'm too skinny for it. No, no, you literally do. It just seems like a lot of hoopla to do the fucking. You really think you're, you think you're better than us. And that's what it really is. You don't realize you are fat.

• 1:32:16Speaker 05

  No matter what you do, if you're already married, it removes that element too. You don't have to worry about feeling self-conscious or fat.

• 1:32:23Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly, that's what we're saying. That's what we're saying.

• 1:32:26Speaker 05

  I'm saying, pap up, baby.

• 1:32:27Stavros Halkias?

  I will say, the first year of just like, being like, I have a fucking CPAP. You know what I mean? It's like, it also, like, I was a little embarrassed to show random women I have a CPAP, but then it's like, if you fuck a guy this fat, you know what's happening. You're not, she's not shocked. I need a CPAP. No woman was like, what?

• 1:32:46Speaker 05

  And it is better for them because then you're not scream snoring in their ear the whole night. It's a win-win.

• 1:32:53Stavros Halkias?

  And they're so, women are so nice. They're like, oh, it's like a white noise machine. It's like, that's so nice of you to say, that you're a fucking hook.

• 1:33:00Speaker 05

  My wife loves my CPAP.

• 1:33:03Stavros Halkias?

  Anyway.

• 1:33:09Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, fuck. Alright, so there you go, buddy. Keep at it. We believe in you. I'll just get the CPAP.

• 1:33:18Speaker 06

  Oh, look. You just got added to a meeting. About coordinating another meeting. To prepare for the pre-meeting. Ahead of the follow-up meeting. Which will, of course, require a recap meeting. And then, another meeting. Hit your booking point? Book with Southwest and enter airplane mode.

• 1:33:44Speaker 05

  Every family has one. The person who says, "Oh, I don't want anything this year." Cool. Super helpful. Here's the fix. Coop Sleep Goods. It's the rare gift that gets used every single night instead of shoved in a closet by January. Coop's Holiday Gift Guide is now 25% off. Packed with best-selling adjustable pillows, cooling sheets, and toppers. And, while you're there, grab one for yourself. I mean, you've been powering through this whole year on fumes. You've earned it. Every order comes with a 100-night trial, so there's no guesswork. Give yourself a damn break. Get 25% off the Holiday Gift Guide for a limited time at coopsleepgoods.com/comedy.

• 1:34:26Speaker 05

  That's C-O-O-P, sleepgoods.com/comedy.

• 1:34:31Speaker 02

  Hello, starved, eldest, and esteemed guest. Um, thank you for taking my call. Uh, I have a question about roommate food etiquette. So I'm a, uh, 26-year-old professional jazz guitar player in Brooklyn. And my roommate is a saxophone player and we have a band together.

• 1:34:47Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:34:48Speaker 02

  And, uh, every month we play at a jazz club in Bushwick that has, um, really amazing, like, vegan Mediterranean food.

• 1:34:55Stavros Halkias?

  I think I know about this place.

• 1:34:56Speaker 02

  So, uh, you know, part of the payment for the gig is that they give us food to take home afterwards. So we always get the hummus, because the hummus is unreal.

• 1:35:03Stavros Halkias?

  So shit's going good.

• 1:35:03Speaker 02

  And, uh, we take it home and I'll eat my hummus in one or two days.

• 1:35:07Stavros Halkias?

  Go to trade school, kids. Even if you're good, you're gonna be paid in fucking baba ganoush. Best case scenario. You get the, this, I mean dude, this one, we started talking about how dumb improv and standup is, it's like, damn, at least we don't fucking play jazz. I feel bad for Timmy. Timmy's get, Timmy, a month ago, was getting dragged. Because he said he doesn't want film to end up the way like, uh, opera and ballet is going. Yeah, and everyone's like, they, they thought he was shit talking the art form, but he's saying like, something that is unquestionably true. Which is that, that, a, a very valuable art form, that was a mass, like the masses did enjoy, has now become something- A disrespected niche.

• 1:35:52Stavros Halkias?

  It's become a niche, that, yeah, a niche that only the very rich can enjoy. And yeah, I think, I mean, look, and he doesn't fucking need me, he doesn't give a fuck at all, his life's awesome. Maybe he just won an, I mean, as we all know, he did not win the Oscar, but he was nominated.

• 1:36:10Stavros Halkias?

  But, uh, yeah, anyway. I think his point, he was making a very valid point, I think, and it's like, yes, we need to do whatever we can, like- We need to do whatever we can to save improv and keep improv alive.

• 1:36:23Stavros Halkias?

  But anyway- It's disgusting having to do in the basement. Yeah, dude, the sad part, I mean, Timothy Chalamet's point is so true, because they built opera houses and orchestras that I perform in now. Yeah. I'm shooting my special at a place where fucking, the most, some of the most famous conductors have fucking performed. They did do improv at Carnegie Hall. Yeah. That's, that's what, that's where it's- It's, yeah, that's what it's come to, man, that's sad, that's sad stuff. So anyway, at least, even those are not as bad as jazz. Keep going, I'll just, that was my whole point.

• 1:36:57Speaker 02

  And, uh, we take it home, and I'll eat my hummus in one or two days, and every single month, he will put his hummus in the fridge and forget about it, and it goes bad. And so, I brought it up to him before, you know, we'll be like, a week or two out, and I'll be like, hey man, you gonna eat that hummus? And he's like, well, I'll check on it, and if it's still good, I'll eat it.

• 1:37:13Stavros Halkias?

  If not, I'll throw it away. And he never does. It always goes bad and he throws it away. Mm hmm. So my question is, at what point is it okay for me to just eat the hummus? Right. You know, I I know it's his hummus, but it's getting wasted every month. Sure. It breaks my heart. And it's so delicious. And maybe I really just do want to eat the hummus, you know, but it it seems like it's kind of wasteful. I like this. Um, anyway, thanks a lot. The podcast means a lot to me. Um. Love you guys. Bye. Love you. Hey, maybe we'll go see this guy play jazz.

• 1:37:43Speaker 05

  I've been meaning.

• 1:37:44Stavros Halkias?

  I know the places. I know the place too. I've kind of been meaning to check it out.

• 1:37:47Speaker 05

  If I, if there's good hummus, I'll.

• 1:37:49Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, it's in your fucking neck. You'll go two blocks from your house. Yeah. If it's it's somewhere in Bushwick, you'll fucking go.

• 1:37:54Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 1:37:55Stavros Halkias?

  All right. Hell, yeah. Uh, we're about to, we're we're about to, you, it is funny, because if when we all hang out, there's no way to be inconspicuous. Like, we're both the guy, like, I think we're both, we're doing okay, but we both get recognized because nobody looks like this.

• 1:38:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, because we have a silhouette that you can notice from fucking eight hundred yards out.

• 1:38:14Stavros Halkias?

  Me and you together, it would be hilarious. It would actually blow people's minds. The two of the only little fat guys they've allowed in entertainment hang out.

• 1:38:24Stavros Halkias?

  Um, anyway, this is interesting because there's two separate planes to this question.

• 1:38:31Speaker 05

  Mm hmm.

• 1:38:32Stavros Halkias?

  There is first a matter of, uh, sort of equity for the gig, right? And if you're gonna be a hard line, if you're gonna look at hard line, it's like, you both receive payment?

• 1:38:44Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:38:44Stavros Halkias?

  You do what you want with it? He does what he wants with it, right? He might have some weird psychological thing where he likes knowing it's there. And.

• 1:38:52Speaker 05

  Or he might be doing some sort of depreciation tax write off.

• 1:38:56Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right.

• 1:38:57Speaker 05

  He's getting paid in hummus by not eating it. Does that mean he can?

• 1:39:00Stavros Halkias?

  Right, like when Warner Brothers shelved that fucking.

• 1:39:02Speaker 05

  Bad girl.

• 1:39:03Stavros Halkias?

  The Will, yeah, the Batgirl or the Will Forte, Wile E. Coyote movie. He's getting a big hummus tax write off. You never know. And if he's seen eating the hummus.

• 1:39:12Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 1:39:12Stavros Halkias?

  He owes thousands now. That's a good point. So there's that, right? And like, look, like, for example, if we got paid for a gig, and, you know, let's say we're doing two prof. You know, two-

• 1:39:22Speaker 05

  Don't condescend to me. Don't try to, don't try to use my lingo.

• 1:39:29Stavros Halkias?

  Hey, I'm trying to learn. I'm listening. I'm learning. Let's say we do that and we get, each get a, you know, uh, if we're, okay, if we're, if we're going by UCB standards, zero dollars. But let's say we're going somewhere-

• 1:39:39Speaker 05

  Not anymore.

• 1:39:40Stavros Halkias?

  And let's say we're, and why is that? Who complained about it? Stand-ups? Interesting. Anyway. Uh, it is so funny that your art form, like, stand-ups are too proud to be treated like improvisers. You know you motherfuckers were treated like shit. When Steve's like, "How dare you not give us anything?" Anyway. We're not dredging up the, uh, the UCB controversy from literally eleven years ago.

• 1:40:03Speaker 05

  I was on the right side of all of that. Whatever, whichever it was, whichever it shakes out as ending up being, I was on the right side of all of that.

• 1:40:11Stavros Halkias?

  That's beautiful, man. Um, let's say we each got, you know, whatever. They give us a hundred bucks each.

• 1:40:16Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:40:17Stavros Halkias?

  And, you know, I buy stuff with it.

• 1:40:19Speaker 05

  Pretty low for me for doing an improv show.

• 1:40:21Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, right, right, right, right, right. And you decide you wanna burn it for warmth.

• 1:40:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:40:25Stavros Halkias?

  That's none of my business, on one level, right? But on, now, we're going just as, eh, now, let's, so that's the payment.

• 1:40:34Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:40:34Stavros Halkias?

  Now is roommate.

• 1:40:35Speaker 05

  Like, if he was trading his hummus for something that you didn't like, none of your business.

• 1:40:39Stavros Halkias?

  All I'm saying is, even, whatever, at the end of the day, the show, the hard line reading of this is-

• 1:40:44Speaker 05

  Sure, it's his hummus.

• 1:40:45Stavros Halkias?

  You both get hummus.

• 1:40:46Speaker 05

  It's his hummus.

• 1:40:47Stavros Halkias?

  He does what he wants. Like, if you didn't live with him-

• 1:40:49Speaker 05

  You wouldn't even know about it.

• 1:40:50Stavros Halkias?

  You would never consider this. This would never be a thing. So this isn't a payment thing. This is in the realm of roommates.

• 1:40:56Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:40:56Stavros Halkias?

  So, let's take that out. Now, we're in the house and you're just two roommates who both have food in the fucking fridge.

• 1:41:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:41:03Stavros Halkias?

  One of your roommates lets his fucking food go bad constantly. And as a roommate issue- You know, you've brought it up to him, you've tried to, he didn't say, here's the thing. He didn't say, "Yeah, I never eat it, you take it." He said, "Uh, I'll check on it," right? Now, maybe your friend's a piece of shit, but at the end of the day, it is his hummus. So what I would say is, if I were you, I would start each month eating a little more of his hummus.

• 1:41:29Speaker 05

  Yes, slowly.

• 1:41:30Stavros Halkias?

  I think that's right. I don't think this can be gone through the court of law, right? Cause you don't really have a case here. You basically, your best case scenario is to become a hummus squatter. Where it's like, hopefully, like, it's like you're a homeless guy who finds an abandoned home. Maybe this will never be an issue. But by the letter of the law, our unjust laws, he does, it's his hummus. And it is unfair what he's doing.

• 1:41:55Speaker 05

  But I think you are right to utilize it.

• 1:41:57Stavros Halkias?

  You have a moral right, but you do not have a legal right.

• 1:42:00Speaker 05

  Sure, yes.

• 1:42:01Stavros Halkias?

  Right? This is where the law does not match true morality.

• 1:42:04Speaker 05

  And if you're able to establish a pattern of having eaten the hummus last month, and he didn't even notice. Then if you are caught eventually, you're like, "Buddy, you didn't even notice." I now, common law.

• 1:42:17Stavros Halkias?

  Of cour- common law, it is common law, it's your common law hummus. And I would even say, this is one of those things where, you know, it's like, it's like when you decide, "Parking in my neighborhood's so bad, I'm going to budget, you know, 300 bucks a month for tickets." Right? You'll probably eat this hummus, he won't even notice.

• 1:42:37Speaker 05

  Definitely not.

• 1:42:38Stavros Halkias?

  One month, he notices and gets pissed at you? That's where, and you maybe, you have a small roommate sanctioned for that? But you got away with it two out of the three months, you know what I mean? So I would say this, now, unfortunately, you have no legal basis here. This is all unofficial, sort of like, uh, you know.

• 1:42:58Speaker 05

  But the beautiful thing about hummus is, if you-

• 1:43:01Stavros Halkias?

  Just move it over.

• 1:43:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, if you're, if it's in a container and he's not even looking.

• 1:43:05Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, actually?

• 1:43:06Speaker 05

  There's no way, like, just scrape some hummus on the top, so it looks like it's still whole. You can eat that hummus out of the bottom, and no one-

• 1:43:15Stavros Halkias?

  I love this, so, okay, that, that's one way, you put, you know, you fill it up with- Fucking packing peanuts and then a layer of hummus up top.

• 1:43:23Speaker 05

  Just one layer.

• 1:43:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I would go a step further. The day it happens, you'd steal the hummus and replace it with fucking Sabra shitty hummus.

• 1:43:31Speaker 05

  Or that, yeah.

• 1:43:32Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean?

• 1:43:32Speaker 05

  Or just always have a Sabra in the back of the fridge.

• 1:43:36Stavros Halkias?

  Or something even shittier than that. Fucking, you know, something cheaper than that, whatever. But I think, so yes, you steal the hummus and put fake.

• 1:43:44Speaker 05

  Just fucking put peanut butter in there.

• 1:43:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, put a layer, eh, ground up some oatmeal, put oatmeal or some shit. Like, that's actually a real, I think I would do that. I think you start with replacing the hummus with something that sucks and eating it.

• 1:43:56Speaker 05

  As long as it visually still looks like his hummus, he's still getting the same benefit.

• 1:44:01Stavros Halkias?

  Or, yeah, yeah, yes.

• 1:44:04Speaker 05

  Cause he just likes to know it's there.

• 1:44:05Stavros Halkias?

  He likes to know it's there. So, yeah, you find the shittiest, cheapest hummus there is, right? Maybe even sub Sabra, I don't even know. And you, you eat yours and then you're like, mm, that hummus was so good. I'm in the mood for more hummus. And you take a shitty container, you switch the hummuses. You put his good one in the shitty one, you put the shitty one in his. That, if you want your cleanest solution where yes, you have to put a little capital there, that's gonna cost you about five bucks for the shitty hummus.

• 1:44:32Speaker 05

  But only once, cause you can just reuse that container.

• 1:44:34Stavros Halkias?

  Use the container forever.

• 1:44:35Speaker 05

  Checking the date on that container.

• 1:44:37Stavros Halkias?

  And that way, you, if he's never, if he's never checked it and you replace it with dummy hummus, you're fine and you'll never be, you'll never be sanctioned by him.

• 1:44:46Speaker 05

  And you do have, you are morally obligated to do this.

• 1:44:49Stavros Halkias?

  You have to do this now.

• 1:44:50Speaker 05

  You can't let this hummus be just.

• 1:44:52Stavros Halkias?

  The absolute, you can't, and now we've gone to the third, cause I said there's different planes.

• 1:44:56Speaker 05

  I just found out there's all these home, there's homeless guys all around the country.

• 1:44:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, you give it to them.

• 1:45:01Speaker 05

  Learned about this.

• 1:45:03Stavros Halkias?

  Wouldn't have got a dog, would not have gotten.

• 1:45:05Speaker 05

  Wouldn't have had a dog if I knew this. But so, so you can't be wasting hummus. I already have a dog.

• 1:45:11Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right.

• 1:45:12Speaker 05

  I now, I would like to apologize. I regret it.

• 1:45:15Stavros Halkias?

  He regrets it.

• 1:45:16Speaker 05

  But, mhm.

• 1:45:17Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, but yes, eat the hummus, eat the hummus. This is actually, and yeah, from a fat perspective, this is a crime, a moral crime.

• 1:45:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:45:24Stavros Halkias?

  To let good hummus, cause good hummus too, when you have hummus that's so good, fat people look at it as a snack.

• 1:45:29Speaker 05

  Oh, yes.

• 1:45:29Stavros Halkias?

  Good ass hummus.

• 1:45:30Speaker 05

  I mean.

• 1:45:31Stavros Halkias?

  Creamy as fuck, you treat this into thinking, ground up beans is a good dip? You're talking about people usually like ranch? That's incredible hummus, so you can't let that go to waste.

• 1:45:40Speaker 05

  We need to try this hummus.

• 1:45:42Stavros Halkias?

  We actually do need to try the hummus. Yeah, we will. We actually will at some point. Maybe we need to go before this comes out.

• 1:45:50Stavros Halkias?

  So that no one knows we're coming. Uh, okay. I think that's, I think that we've waited nicely. How about something fun to go out on here, little buddy? How about a little update? Okay. Uh, remember the woman who called on Eric Andre's episode about, uh, her boy, she got money in the, she got money in the lawsuit settlement? I did, I listened to this. Yes. This was a great, this was a great call. And he wanted her to pay for his plastic surgery. Yeah, he wanted to get a BBL with her money. He asked her for that. So here's a little update. Was it a BBL? Not a BBL, but I think he wanted like cock widening surgery. Something we talked, yes, yes. A cock BBL. Okay, great.

• 1:46:29Speaker 03

  What up, Stav? Um, I am the caller that called about my boyfriend wanting a BBL in Brazil with my settlement money. Um, and I'm just giving you an update. I totally understand if it doesn't go to the show. Uh, but the update as of right now is, one, uh, my boyfriend and I ended up just getting a new gym membership at a non-commercial gym. And so like, we're good now, I guess, in terms of body dysmorphia. We still have our days, but we decided not to do steroids yet. No plastic surgery for right now. I think the Kanye West, uh, Donda argument was probably the best one. Um, because my boyfriend and I, for context, are both in recovery.

• 1:47:13Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:47:14Speaker 03

  So some of the judgment, you know, we have done much crazier things than they for plastic surgery. In Brazil, because we have both been addicts at one point in time.

• 1:47:24Stavros Halkias?

  I know addict brain.

• 1:47:25Speaker 03

  But what I ended up doing with the money, a lot of people told me to invest it. And this morning, with the war being announced in Iran, uh, I actually ended up using my settlement money and I transferred it into an investment banking account and bought $10,000 worth of.

• 1:47:43Speaker 03

  Stocks of Lockheed Martin, Boeing.

• 1:47:47Speaker 03

  Raytheon, as well as Murthop Gunman. I'm not joking.

• 1:47:56Stavros Halkias?

  So you're gunning, you're out and you're like, let me fucking, let me link my financial. You really wanna live in a world where if you make money, that means a bunch of Iranians were killed, cuz fucking. I mean, come on, man. Give, you know, I take it back. Get your boyfriend a fucking BBL. Take the money back, give him a bigger cock for, go to Rio de Janeiro, have a fucking vacation and buy him a bigger dick. Don't buy fucking stock and come on, guys.

• 1:48:22Speaker 05

  It's, sometimes you make art and you put it out in the world and you don't know if you're having an impact on people. And it's just so nice that you get direct feedback on the impact you're having.

• 1:48:36Stavros Halkias?

  This fucking podcast put money in Northrop Grumman's pockets, dude. Fuck.

• 1:48:44Stavros Halkias?

  She's trolling. She has to be.

• 1:48:46Speaker 05

  I mean, I have to, I have to take this lady at, at face value.

• 1:48:49Stavros Halkias?

  She's a veteran. She's a veteran of both fucking heroin and the Iraq war. We said she has seen some, I don't know if it's her on her pills or whatever it was, but, okay, all right. Let's finish this. Maybe she gives us a psych. Uh, okay.

• 1:49:04Speaker 03

  We felt a lot better after hearing that input and.

• 1:49:11Speaker 03

  Please, please don't dox me. Uh, but my Instagram is.

• 1:49:19Speaker 03

  That's my username.

• 1:49:22Speaker 03

  If you guys wanna see photos of what we look like for judgment.

• 1:49:27Speaker 03

  Totally fine by us, but yeah, we ended up using that money to invest in the war mongering companies. We definitely appreciate you taking our call. We love you, Stavi. We love you, Aldous. Whoever the esteemed guest, Nairman Offy. We love you too. Thank you so much for.

• 1:49:43Stavros Halkias?

  Taking our call and giving us such helpful insight. No, she's lying. And teaching us how to love our own bodies. Alright, brother, have a nice day.

• 1:49:49Speaker 06

  I don't know, I thought, I thought it was like kinda crazy, but then she said like, she's a veteran, and I was like, okay, I can see a veteran like doing that.

• 1:49:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, she's like, alright, I'm already in for a penny, in for a pound.

• 1:50:00Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:50:00Stavros Halkias?

  I was already part of the war machine.

• 1:50:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:50:02Stavros Halkias?

  I might as well make money off of this.

• 1:50:05Speaker 05

  This isn't like adding anything to my, to the cosmic scales for me.

• 1:50:09Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, yeah. Look her up, let's see what they look like, let's at least fucking see what they look like.

• 1:50:15Speaker 05

  It is, it is an interesting treatment for body dysmorphia. I've not heard of investing in Lockheed Martin as the cure.

• 1:50:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:23Speaker 05

  Before, but she said they both feel a lot better now.

• 1:50:27Stavros Halkias?

  It's private.

• 1:50:30Stavros Halkias?

  They look cute at least, you know. Anyway, please, okay, look.

• 1:50:34Speaker 05

  Okay, let's see.

• 1:50:35Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, go to her, she has a different, uh...

• 1:50:38Speaker 05

  And how thick would this guy's cock be?

• 1:50:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, can we see his dick? She's looking good, they're getting jacked. Dude, you guys are hot. Here's the thing, there's nothing, you don't, you should not have body dysmorphia, you guys look good, you're strong. I would say, don't invest in those companies, even though it will, I don't know, well, who am I to fucking tell you what to do? Here, you know what, I, you do whatever you wanna do, I would, if it were up to me, invest in something else, but whatever. I'll go the, let's try and balance this out. If you desert the US Army, we will send you free merch. If you prove that you, you got orders to go to fucking, unless legally I, this is a crime. Uh, this is, this is satire, if that's the case.

• 1:51:21Speaker 05

  Hypothetical.

• 1:51:22Stavros Halkias?

  But if you desert the US Armed Forces, we will give you a free 2026, well, you know what? We'll even give you a free 2027 calendar. We'll give you the rest of the calendar.

• 1:51:32Speaker 05

  You get two.

• 1:51:32Stavros Halkias?

  You get 1.5 novelty comedian calendars, and all it's gonna take is you, you deserting the US, well, yeah, we'll throw in tickets too, how about that? Uh, you know, maybe not front row, but you know, so just to, just to balance out the scales.

• 1:51:47Speaker 05

  Somehow backdooring your way into doing USO.

• 1:51:51Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:51:53Speaker 05

  You just become the USO.

• 1:51:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:51:55Speaker 05

  Because the entire armed forces has fled to get tickets to your tour.

• 1:52:00Stavros Halkias?

  Jesus, that's so fucking funny. Um, anyway, that's, I'm glad you didn't get him a BBL, but honestly, at this point, get him a BBL. Instead of giving money to Raytheon.

• 1:52:09Speaker 05

  A mixed result. Not a clean.

• 1:52:12Stavros Halkias?

  If she's joking, she's hilarious. She's fucking Andy Kaufman. That is so funny how earnest she is too.

• 1:52:18Speaker 05

  But Andy would have also bought the shares.

• 1:52:21Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that is true. That is true. Yeah. You gotta sell the joke.

• 1:52:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:52:24Stavros Halkias?

  Alright, well, look, we're happy for you. You're both, you're both hot, he, I don't know what he's talking about. He looked kinda jacked.

• 1:52:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, you both look pretty jacked. As two guys with probably reversed bodies.

• 1:52:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we really should have a little more of it.

• 1:52:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:52:38Stavros Halkias?

  We cannot, we cannot relate to it. Uh, maybe just regular index funds, you know?

• 1:52:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:52:44Stavros Halkias?

  Maybe just a general index fund. Even crypto for Christ's sake over fucking, although I guess crypto is just, you know, you do, they're just using it to buy drugs and child pornography with it, so whatever, but. Uh, alright, well, that was a, that was a mixed up date, I guess. I still don't know how to feel about that, but yeah. Think about deserving the US Army, folks. Instead of, instead of a, uh, being in an unjust war. Um, okay, that's gonna do it for us. Uh, I, I would say more, but again, Zach's got a career here. I'll keep, I'll keep my thought, my, my more direct thoughts on the Patreon.

• 1:53:20Speaker 05

  You can add it on. I'll leave and you can sort of add it on into the.

• 1:53:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, there's no two shots when I'm talking about Iran. When I'm saying go Iran. Uh, who I am voting, who we're rooting for.

• 1:53:33Speaker 05

  You're voting for them.

• 1:53:34Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I'm voting, I'm writing in Iran for the next presidential rec election. Um, alright, that's gonna do it for us, folks. Zach, thank you, brother. Thanks for coming. We had to get, I, I put bitch at the Patreon because it was crazy to get him for three episodes before you did your first solo one.

• 1:53:50Speaker 05

  We had to complete the Fat House.

• 1:53:52Stavros Halkias?

  We have to complete Fat House, and now everyone is again eligible for.

• 1:53:56Speaker 05

  We're accepting applications as well.

• 1:53:58Stavros Halkias?

  That is true. And we were talking about Fat House Babies or Fat House Junior. Uh, where we're, we're kinda trying to find little fat guys in their, in their twenties. Not, you know, not just guys. We need fat chicks in there.

• 1:54:09Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 1:54:09Stavros Halkias?

  We want little fat chicks to, to, to help. We're gonna, we're gonna be your fat mentors.

• 1:54:14Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:54:14Stavros Halkias?

  Cause being fat crosses gender, it crosses ethnicity. It is the one thing that across everything, no matter what group you're in, the fat people in that group are thought of less. And we need to fucking band together. We're gonna flip this. There's that one tribe where it's like, if you're fat as shit, you're actually the man. Have you seen those pictures?

• 1:54:34Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:54:35Stavros Halkias?

  It's awesome dude. It's like this one fucking tribe and the guys are fat as, they have, they have like pot bellies. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Tribe where fat people are dominant, Eldo says. Mauritania, is that it? Go to the, go to the, go to images. Maybe it's the Bodhi, yeah, the Bodhi tribe. Look at that shit dude.

• 1:54:53Speaker 05

  Do they let, like, are they accepting applicants?

• 1:54:56Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know, but we would fuck, we might be too fat for them. We would, we would, we, they, here's the thing, they're fat for Africa.

• 1:55:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm looking at some of these pictures.

• 1:55:05Stavros Halkias?

  Honestly, I kinda want that body type.

• 1:55:10Stavros Halkias?

  We're not even close. The chief is so much fucking, uh, less fat than us. But anyway, but who knows, maybe that would make us, that would, you know, it's like showing LeBron to the people who play basketball in the 50s.

• 1:55:21Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 1:55:22Stavros Halkias?

  If we go over there.

• 1:55:23Speaker 05

  We might be immediately all powerful.

• 1:55:26Stavros Halkias?

  Shit dude, I might be too mu, I might be the biggest piece of ass at the, that guy's pretty fucking fat, that last guy. Alright, well that's gonna do it for us folks. Shout out to the Bodhi tribe of Ethiopia and, uh, uh, don't find Zach, don't go to anything he does. Only watch the media, uh, that's on a screen. You want them to watch Severance, uh, you're in the new Resident Evil movie.

• 1:55:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, eventually, yeah.

• 1:55:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that comes out, that comes out, but don't approach Zach in public.

• 1:55:53Speaker 05

  Well, no, you can appro, your listeners have actually been very kind to me. So, the first time I came on, you made me do the humiliation ritual. You put me in the Santa suit.

• 1:56:03Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, right.

• 1:56:04Speaker 05

  Now you've let me kinda, I've earned my way to normal.

• 1:56:07Stavros Halkias?

  I did feel bad that both Gabris and Mitch got to be themselves first and you, you had to do the Santa suit.

• 1:56:14Speaker 05

  And I had to bargain you down for Mrs. Claus. I had to get to Santa.

• 1:56:20Stavros Halkias?

  Oh fuck, we should have dressed Elvis up as Mrs. Claus. We fucked up making him an elf.

• 1:56:25Speaker 05

  But your fans have been very nice to me. I've seen them in public and that's...

• 1:56:28Stavros Halkias?

  Keep it brief though. Keep it brief. Zach's a very nice guy. He's not really saying his true feelings. Keep it tight when you approach Zach. "I love what you do, handshake, keep it moving." Don't fucking ask him what Ben Stiller's like in person. That's gonna do it for us, folks. We'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye.

• 1:56:54Speaker 02

  Time for a quick break to talk about McDonald's. It's the tangiest time of the year. For a limited time, head to McDonald's and get a McRib sandwich. Make it a meal by adding a medium fries and a soft drink like an ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper. So grab a McRib sandwich and embrace the tang. Save time by ordering ahead on the app. At participating McDonald's for a limited time. Dr. Pepper is a registered trademark of Dr. Pepper, 7-Up Inc.

• 1:57:19Stavros Halkias?

  Hey listeners, Stavi here. Thank you for tuning into Stavi's World each week. If you want to hear new episodes ad-free, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts or visit siriusxm.com/podcastplus to listen with Spotify or another app of your choice.