Stavros Halkias Returns Again

Welcome! This week is the return once again of our good friend, the hilarious Stavros Halkias! Stav and Caleb talk starting an exclusive camp together, a harrowing scooter crash, a heist of the most evil variety, pixie cuts, cereal, and much more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Stavros! @stavvybaby2 Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Visit https://hin.ge/SoTruewithCalebHearon to download Hinge today! Get 40% off select Lola Blankets products at https://Lolablankets.com by using code SOTRUE at checkout. Experience the world’s #1 blanket with Lola Blankets. Shop now at https://Fabletics.com/sotrue to get 70-80% percent off everything when you sign up as a new VIP To find delicious recipes and learn more about the antioxidant goodness of POM Wonderful, please go to https://pomwonderful.com Download Whatnot today and get $20 off your first purchase. Search Whatnot, W H A T N O T, in the app store, sign up, and start finding the best deals on the products you love with $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Go to https://skechers.com to shop all the Skechers Hands Free Slip-ins Styles So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Anna Weis. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. https://wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:32Speaker 04

  Maybe Ginger and Scary would like me.

• 1:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  Maybe I could be friends, maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time.

• 1:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:38Speaker 04

  Those were my desires.

• 1:39Speaker 05

  Two Spice Girls.

• 1:40Speaker 04

  The dream.

• 1:41Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 1:42Speaker 04

  Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger Spice and Scary Spice?

• 1:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, if they were boys.

• 1:50Speaker 04

  Alright, put yourself in my shoes.

• 1:56Speaker 04

  And when we start recording, we can start talking about it, but have you thought about the conversion therapy brochures I've been sending you?

• 2:03Speaker 05

  I have considered them. I think my-

• 2:05Speaker 04

  You gotta admit.

• 2:06Speaker 05

  My big issue with them was how many you've sent.

• 2:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean-

• 2:11Speaker 05

  The volume of them.

• 2:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I am losing a lot of money on stamps.

• 2:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:14Speaker 04

  But I think it's important you physically see how much I think this is important for you.

• 2:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 04

  Cause I can send emails, those will go to the, those will go to spam.

• 2:21Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:21Speaker 04

  But if I send you a postcard from Camp Not Gay Anymore every week.

• 2:25Speaker 05

  I also don't love the name.

• 2:27Speaker 04

  I don't know, I think it's clear, concise, to the point.

• 2:30Speaker 05

  Camp Not Gay Anymore may be a little mad. I was like, if you're trying to attract gay people,

• 2:37Speaker 05

  the marketing's gonna have to at least be slick.

• 2:38Speaker 04

  No joke, actually, we would be geniuses if we started a gay resort that was, the theme was conversion camp. And it was like, it was like, you guys, everybody in your bunks, no gay stuff. And then you're secretly in the dark sucking and fucking.

• 2:54Speaker 05

  You know so much about gay guys. You know so much about gay guys. Cause I have constantly thought like, look, in the next three to seven years when they do round up gay people and put us in conversion camps, mandatory.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  No, we've talked about this.

• 3:07Speaker 05

  The sex is gonna be fucking hot.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  So we've discussed this, but we've never harnessed the power of it. We, me and you go and find a plot of land upstate.

• 3:15Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 3:15Speaker 04

  And we, we create Camp Not Gay Anymore.

• 3:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:18Speaker 04

  And I think we're printing money, dude.

• 3:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, all the guards are in like sexy leather outfits.

• 3:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're all dressed like Toms of Finland, you know? It's like, everyone is like, we're straight. That is clearly the gayest guys, just butch gay guys.

• 3:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:31Speaker 04

  And that, you know, and that's the thing, it's like you suck each other off, but also if you're a really good counselor, maybe you get to suck the coun, the, or camper, you get to suck the counselors off.

• 3:39Speaker 05

  Well, maybe that's like one of the tests, is they're like, we wanna make sure this is working.

• 3:42Speaker 04

  Right, right, right.

• 3:43Speaker 05

  The guards are gonna fuck you and you're not allowed to like it.

• 3:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're not, you gotta, mm.

• 3:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, oh no!

• 3:47Speaker 04

  You gotta frown while you're getting your ass fucked.

• 3:48Speaker 05

  It's a really good idea, Stav. It would make a lot of money, the only issue you're gonna come up with, you're gonna come up against an issue that a lot of gay guys in New York have been dealing with for years, which is where are you gonna find these tops?

• 3:58Speaker 04

  Ooh.

• 3:59Speaker 05

  Where are you gonna find these alleged tops?

• 4:01Speaker 04

  Oh, so this is a big problem, huh?

• 4:03Speaker 05

  There's a top shortage in the gay guy community.

• 4:04Speaker 04

  Get the fuck out of here.

• 4:05Speaker 05

  I know.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  Really?

• 4:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:07Speaker 04

  Wait, so more guys are bottoms than tops? It's not a 50/50 situation?

• 4:11Speaker 05

  It's not 50/50 at all.

• 4:12Speaker 04

  What are the percentages?

• 4:13Speaker 05

  Gotta be 90% bottoms.

• 4:14Speaker 04

  No!

• 4:15Speaker 05

  Gotta be 90% bottoms, 10% top.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  Really?

• 4:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:18Speaker 04

  Okay, is this how we fix the male loneliness crisis?

• 4:20Speaker 05

  Hello?

• 4:21Speaker 04

  We tell guys, listen, we get pussies your number one choice.

• 4:25Speaker 05

  Could we interest you?

• 4:26Speaker 04

  Could we interest you in some bussy?

• 4:28Speaker 05

  In a more used model.

• 4:31Speaker 05

  That comes at a lot lower cost.

• 4:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, cheaper.

• 4:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 04

  Handles great.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  Handles great, rides like a dream.

• 4:37Speaker 04

  Oh, this is interesting, what if we could, okay.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Tell me.

• 4:41Speaker 04

  There's gotta be guys who are like, you know, a little, like, mostly straight bisexual guys, what if we make a real push? It's kinda like in the Olympics, when a shit, when a team, like Greece in the 2004 Olympics, we didn't have baseball players, right? Cause it's not, in Greece, that's not their sport. So they went to like, Greek Americans, and they're like, hey, we'll get you your Greek passport.

• 5:03Speaker 05

  Huge.

• 5:03Speaker 04

  What if we get some mostly straight guys, their gay passport, and they can become tops at Camp Not Gay Anymore?

• 5:11Speaker 05

  Do you know how, I'm not kidding you.

• 5:12Speaker 04

  And it's a summer job, by the way, that's how we pitch it, it's like, fellas, this is like, what are you gonna do, porn?

• 5:16Speaker 05

  Just for the summer?

• 5:17Speaker 04

  For the summer, fuck some guys in the ass, get your dick sucked, they're gonna be awesome at it.

• 5:21Speaker 05

  It's gonna be amazing.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  And by the way, you might find out those percentages are a little more gayer than straight.

• 5:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:26Speaker 04

  A couple of those guys might just end up finding their husband at Camp Not Gay Anymore.

• 5:29Speaker 05

  The Camp Not Gay Anymore, there's a bug on me. There, there are a lot of straight guys that are on Grindr, just being like, uh, their bio, that's like no face picture.

• 5:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 5:38Speaker 05

  Just a torso pic. And their bio is like.

• 5:41Speaker 04

  Closeted guys?

• 5:42Speaker 05

  The only thing I do is fuck.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  This is a great job for a closeted guy.

• 5:46Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 5:46Speaker 04

  You wanna get away from your bitch wife.

• 5:49Speaker 05

  Come to Camp Not Gay Anymore.

• 5:51Speaker 04

  Camp Not Gay Anymore. Let me tell you something, those fellows aren't asking you why you're out playing late, playing cards late? They don't give a fuck, they just wanna suck you up and send you on your way.

• 6:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay.

• 6:02Speaker 04

  I think we're fucking on to something.

• 6:03Speaker 05

  I think 20 seconds ago is when I think you got too comfortable.

• 6:08Speaker 05

  I'm always, I'm always looking.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  I exist, I exist too comfortable.

• 6:12Speaker 05

  I'm always looking for the moment when I'm like, okay.

• 6:15Speaker 04

  Oh, this is me just getting started.

• 6:17Speaker 05

  You're, yeah, you're way too comfortable with gay, and I'd say you're probably 40 pounds from me starting to watch some of the fat comments as well.

• 6:23Speaker 04

  Oh, interesting.

• 6:24Speaker 05

  If you lose about 40 more, I'm gonna go, hold off.

• 6:26Speaker 04

  First of all, 40 more, I would weigh 240. Okay, I'm 5'7", I could lose 100 pounds and still look fat. That's the kind of my skill.

• 6:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:37Speaker 04

  Is that at any weight, I look just fat, like just fat as shit. I was 350, and I looked, I looked bad, but I didn't compare to-

• 6:45Speaker 05

  No, you didn't.

• 6:46Speaker 04

  350, I did.

• 6:47Speaker 05

  Don't say that, no you didn't.

• 6:48Speaker 04

  350, 5'7", I did, motherfucker, it's just the truth.

• 6:50Speaker 05

  You were hot, the beautiful women were throwing themselves at you, I've never understood it.

• 6:54Speaker 04

  I know, that was tough.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  But you were a beautiful man.

• 6:55Speaker 04

  I feel so bad for them.

• 6:56Speaker 05

  I never thought it was-

• 6:57Speaker 04

  The girls that fucked me at 350.

• 7:00Speaker 04

  You think my dick doesn't work now?

• 7:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, you brought this up. You brought this up.

• 7:05Speaker 04

  I mean, actually, we're good now, my cock's actually-

• 7:07Speaker 05

  Your dick's doing good now.

• 7:08Speaker 04

  Singing nice, but at 350?

• 7:10Speaker 05

  She's humming.

• 7:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 04

  Before, I was like, eh!

• 7:17Speaker 05

  No, they liked you at 350 with the same reason they like you now.

• 7:21Speaker 04

  You're right.

• 7:21Speaker 05

  You're a handsome guy with a good personality, they think.

• 7:23Speaker 04

  I was handsome, but, yeah, yeah, I was able to fake the good personality long enough, and then I bust it, I was like, yeah, yeah, I got an early day tomorrow.

• 7:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, so you should probably get going, I got, I got a podcast, I'm gonna pitch gay camp to my friend Kale tomorrow.

• 7:43Speaker 05

  No, you know, my, my lifelong journey, if I have one, is to get you to settle down with a nice girl.

• 7:47Speaker 04

  I know that, and we'll get there, man, we're actually the closest we've ever been.

• 7:51Speaker 05

  I would hope so, Jesus Christ.

• 7:52Speaker 04

  The last time I was here, the studio looked like shit and I was bad, dude.

• 7:56Speaker 05

  Studio didn't look like complete shit.

• 7:57Speaker 04

  It was a fucking blank fucking blue wall.

• 7:59Speaker 05

  It didn't look like complete shit.

• 8:00Speaker 04

  Who did you, who did you bring over to test out the lights? Stav.

• 8:03Speaker 05

  It looked like potential is what it looked like.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Anyway, now, and I was depressed, the studio, the studio and my psyche were in the same situation, right? Now, it's beautiful here, and I'm doing a lot better.

• 8:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  The special, Uncle Stav, please watch it, everybody, on Netflix, I've worked very hard on it, it's kind of what I've been working on the last three years, when that motherfucker's out and I'm done promoting it, I'm ready to find the wife.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  When are you gonna be done promoting it?

• 8:28Speaker 04

  Probably like the end of September.

• 8:29Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 8:30Speaker 04

  So fall in New York, listen, you set me up on some cute autumnal dates with some beautiful women, I'm, I'm listening.

• 8:36Speaker 05

  I'm playing project manager to this now?

• 8:37Speaker 04

  Why not? You just fucking said it's your lifelong fucking goal.

• 8:40Speaker 05

  I know, but I didn't know that that's what it was gonna involve, I thought it was just kinda bringing it up on a podcast every seven months.

• 8:47Speaker 05

  I didn't know I was actually gonna have to put girls in the line of fire.

• 8:49Speaker 04

  I'm trying to make you, I'm trying to make you generational wealth with camp not gay anymore. And you won't even set me up with a couple of girls, dude.

• 8:55Speaker 05

  Would you cut me in, would you cut me in on like, if I found your wife for you? Would you cut me in on some of the podcast profits or something?

• 9:03Speaker 04

  Oh, interesting.

• 9:04Speaker 05

  Just give a little bit, a little bit back for the king?

• 9:05Speaker 04

  Every bit I do about my, in 10 years where I inevitably turn into like a, my wife won't even blow me anymore comic.

• 9:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 04

  You get a piece of that.

• 9:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:15Speaker 04

  You get 10 points on the back end of those jokes.

• 9:16Speaker 05

  Taste for the boss?

• 9:17Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, no, no, no, it would not be, you, you are not the boss, I'm the boss.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  I'm the boss if I find the girl.

• 9:23Speaker 04

  No, you're an affiliate who I'm kicking a little of my profits over to.

• 9:27Speaker 05

  A little taste for the colleague?

• 9:28Speaker 04

  You're kind, you're basic, you're basically in Goodfellas, you're Ray Liotta.

• 9:32Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 9:33Speaker 04

  You know, you're not made, right?

• 9:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 04

  You're not in this situation.

• 9:38Speaker 05

  I know, I'm scared to say shit like this to you because I know what it's gonna do to you.

• 9:41Speaker 04

  Goodfellas is awesome, dude.

• 9:42Speaker 05

  I watch the sopranos.

• 9:43Speaker 04

  That's good, then you'll love Goodfellas.

• 9:45Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 9:46Speaker 04

  And you love Goodfellas. It's so fucking good.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  Aren't there like multiple of them?

• 9:49Speaker 04

  There's one Goodfellas.

• 9:50Speaker 05

  Oh, I thought there was multiple.

• 9:51Speaker 04

  No, dude, it's an incredible movie.

• 9:53Speaker 05

  What's there multiple of?

• 9:55Speaker 04

  A lot of stuff.

• 9:55Speaker 05

  Scarface?

• 9:57Speaker 04

  I don't know how to answer that question. What is there multiple of? No, there's one Scarface.

• 10:01Speaker 05

  One of the Italian guy movies have multiples?

• 10:03Speaker 04

  The Godfather?

• 10:07Speaker 04

  That's how from Missouri you are, you found a way to be racist towards Italians?

• 10:11Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Get him out of here.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, uh, no, you would, you would love it. What about Scorsese stuff in general?

• 10:19Speaker 05

  Scorsese stuff in general, name a couple.

• 10:22Speaker 04

  Mean Streets, Taxi Driver.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  Taxi Driver I've seen.

• 10:26Speaker 04

  What a banger.

• 10:26Speaker 05

  Taxi Driver I've seen.

• 10:27Speaker 04

  Um, okay, this is awesome, this is a fun game.

• 10:30Speaker 05

  Name some of your favorites.

• 10:30Speaker 04

  And then you go next after me.

• 10:32Speaker 05

  Adele albums.

• 10:33Speaker 04

  Adele, uh.

• 10:34Speaker 05

  How many of you tapped in on full through, page to page, cover to cover?

• 10:37Speaker 04

  Cover to cover, probably zero.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  See, that's fucked up, she's a great.

• 10:40Speaker 04

  I've, I've, I've hit a couple of them though.

• 10:42Speaker 05

  She's a generational vocal talent.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  She is a really great talent.

• 10:44Speaker 05

  And she's an incredible performer.

• 10:46Speaker 04

  I can't wait, I would love to see her.

• 10:47Speaker 05

  You gotta tap in.

• 10:48Speaker 04

  And let's not forget that picture of her with the fucking braids, wearing, wearing like the Trinidad. No, it was just hilarious. It actually, it did less than zero for me. I, I, I do think she's a beautiful woman, seeing her like that, I was like, ooh, tough.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  White woman embarrassment can really paper over thinking you're hot.

• 11:05Speaker 05

  I think she had like bantu knots in.

• 11:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was a tough look.

• 11:08Speaker 05

  She was doing something she really shouldn't be doing.

• 11:09Speaker 04

  It was a really tough look and it's like, listen, you need to do this in the privacy of your own home.

• 11:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, like.

• 11:14Speaker 04

  What you and Rich Paul are up to, I don't care, I don't care what you, but like, this is not appropriate for, people shouldn't see this.

• 11:21Speaker 05

  It was definitely a private situation.

• 11:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 05

  It was a private situation and we saw it and you never wanna see your heroes like that.

• 11:26Speaker 04

  And she was so happy too, that was the toughest part.

• 11:29Speaker 05

  She was having the time of her life.

• 11:31Speaker 04

  She was having the time of her life.

• 11:32Speaker 05

  She was having the time of her life.

• 11:32Speaker 04

  We don't have to dwell on it, I'm a big Adele fan, you know, great, great pipes on that gal.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  You gotta, you gotta wonder how many cosigns she got from the right people before she allowed that picture to be taken.

• 11:41Speaker 04

  That's a really good point.

• 11:43Speaker 05

  You gotta think a lot of people that she trusted were like, you're good.

• 11:45Speaker 04

  You look great.

• 11:45Speaker 05

  You're good.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  The closest people in her life let her down.

• 11:47Speaker 05

  Wear those.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 11:49Speaker 05

  You're good, we got you.

• 11:50Speaker 04

  But she's bounced back.

• 11:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 04

  She's doing good.

• 11:51Speaker 05

  Oh, she's chilling.

• 11:52Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:53Speaker 05

  She's hanging out as far as I know.

• 11:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 05

  As far as I know, nothing going on, she's certainly not putting out a new record, that's okay, maybe in time.

• 11:58Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:59Speaker 05

  It hasn't been so long since the last one.

• 12:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, how long has it been?

• 12:02Speaker 05

  What, well, that, it came out, uh, the most recent album, All Night Parking album came out, what, like three years ago? Four years ago?

• 12:09Speaker 04

  Oh, wow, yeah, I think 2021? 21, wow, it's been some time.

• 12:14Speaker 05

  Five, so we're ready.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  We're ready.

• 12:15Speaker 05

  Frank Ocean, we're ready, Rihanna, we're ready.

• 12:17Speaker 04

  Well, Frank Ocean is crazy, Frank Ocean, it's like, come on, man.

• 12:20Speaker 05

  What do you mean?

• 12:20Speaker 04

  What are we doing here?

• 12:21Speaker 05

  Oh, just the amount of time.

• 12:22Speaker 04

  It's insane, so talented, no, no, he's the man.

• 12:25Speaker 05

  Okay, cool.

• 12:25Speaker 04

  Come on.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  That'd be so scary.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  I was like, not my cup of tea.

• 12:29Speaker 05

  It would be like the first time that you and I had a real problem. Like it would be, I, I'm thinking of you saying, like, being like anti Frank Ocean and me being like, no, me and Stav would have to actually have like a reckoning.

• 12:39Speaker 04

  No, how could I be against it? Some beautiful tunes.

• 12:42Speaker 05

  That's right. What else is going on with you? What's up in your life? Tell me honest. You got your fucking arm fixed?

• 12:47Speaker 04

  Arm fixed, flex.

• 12:49Speaker 05

  What even happened? You like fucking lime skidded yourself to death?

• 12:51Speaker 04

  I did, yeah, I fell off a scooter trying to get, uh, low calorie ice cream before it melted.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  It was, my groceries were delivered while I was doing an errand, oh, that's what I get for having low calorie ice cream.

• 13:03Speaker 05

  That's what you get for low calorie ice cream. Should've had the good stuff.

• 13:06Speaker 04

  You're, we're, we're in a, we're in a platonic feeder relationship, you just wanna keep me fucking fat?

• 13:11Speaker 05

  I wanna keep you big.

• 13:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:12Speaker 05

  No, I'm losing weight too, you think I like it, it's making me scared.

• 13:15Speaker 04

  What's going on with you?

• 13:15Speaker 05

  What about me?

• 13:16Speaker 04

  What are you just active? Are you like?

• 13:18Speaker 05

  What's gonna be?

• 13:19Speaker 04

  How are you losing the weight? Cause you keep saying it's a mistake and that's actually what I don't believe.

• 13:24Speaker 05

  You don't believe it's a mistake?

• 13:25Speaker 04

  I think you're doing something and you won't admit it, you're ashamed, to you, it's way, you are, you are much, you are ashamed that you are losing weight and kinda like it? It's really, this is the, this is what.

• 13:35Speaker 05

  You think I like it?

• 13:36Speaker 04

  I think you, in, in, in one part of you does, like earlier when I said I was 350, you're like, you were beautiful, that was a little the lady doth protest too much.

• 13:44Speaker 05

  You were hot at 350, you don't believe that I thought you were hot at 350?

• 13:46Speaker 04

  I think, I think, I do think this, my stats at 5'7", 350, on paper, I do think I was the best, other than like a, like, I don't know, some fighter or something? I think fat guy at that, at that weight, I, I held it well too, a nice, beautiful round, the way people are like, if you have a nice shaped head, when you shave your head, it's nice. If you have a nice even circle as a fat guy.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  It's a good move.

• 14:11Speaker 04

  If you don't have droop, if you don't have like one weird thing here, you don't have, I was a sphere, dude, I was a perfect sphere.

• 14:17Speaker 05

  You don't believe that I find fat people attractive?

• 14:19Speaker 04

  Oh, I think you do.

• 14:20Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 14:20Speaker 04

  I think, but I think you also, here's what it is, cause I'm with you, I also find fat people attractive, but I will also admit, non-fat people are also attractive.

• 14:28Speaker 05

  Non-fat people are also attractive, what do you mean you also admit? That's like the most standard thing to ever believe.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  I'm going out on, not here, it's not.

• 14:37Speaker 04

  I have to enter the twisted logic of the so Trudio.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  I have to fucking debate you in here and so I think it's fine for you to admit, hey, I kinda, it's not a problem to lose a little weight.

• 14:49Speaker 05

  I think I have, uh, genuinely mostly neutral feelings about it.

• 14:53Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:54Speaker 05

  But what, what, you said something earlier that I wanna respond to.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  To feel even a positive, that's what I'm saying, you think you have to stay neutral.

• 15:00Speaker 05

  What's positive about, I, here's the issue, the, the reason I have, I'm, I feel lucky to have mostly neutral feelings about it.

• 15:06Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 15:06Speaker 05

  Because the feelings I, I would have would be negative, it annoys me.

• 15:10Speaker 04

  You don't want self hate.

• 15:11Speaker 05

  There are people acting like I'm attractive for the first time because I've lost some weight.

• 15:15Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 15:16Speaker 05

  There are people saying things in my comments that I don't think they should be saying.

• 15:18Speaker 04

  No, that's, I agree with you there.

• 15:19Speaker 05

  I'm like, I actually genuinely liked myself and thought I was hot 80 pounds ago.

• 15:23Speaker 04

  And you were.

• 15:24Speaker 05

  Exactly, and so it bothers me that people don't agree with that, I think they're wrong.

• 15:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:29Speaker 05

  And I did think you were hot, I do however, have, come from the Monique school of thought.

• 15:32Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:32Speaker 05

  Which is, she has that great bit where she's like, I think fat men are so sexy, I'm not gonna fuck them.

• 15:38Speaker 04

  And there you go, folks.

• 15:40Speaker 05

  But it's logistical.

• 15:41Speaker 04

  That's where it is.

• 15:42Speaker 05

  It's logistical.

• 15:43Speaker 04

  No, I know, I have a joke about this on this special.

• 15:44Speaker 05

  What fucking bed frame would we be involved with?

• 15:45Speaker 04

  No, I have a joke on this special where it's like, I do think fat girls are hot, I just haven't dated many of them, but it's not an attraction issue, it's a geometry problem.

• 15:54Speaker 05

  Right.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  You know what I mean?

• 15:55Speaker 05

  I'm gonna get in there?

• 15:56Speaker 04

  I don't have the penis for two bellies.

• 15:57Speaker 05

  That's what I'm saying.

• 15:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  No, I don't have two bellies dick, I don't have.

• 16:02Speaker 04

  I wish I did, by the way, same thing with fat asses, an insanely fat ass, that's a problem for me.

• 16:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:07Speaker 04

  You know, I can't breach the cheek, the cheek level sometimes, you know, that's a tough one.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  I have the money to get an industrial strength bed frame for the house? But we're not, what, we're just not gonna go to the Maldives?

• 16:21Speaker 05

  Or we're gonna stay in separate rooms?

• 16:23Speaker 04

  That's a great point.

• 16:24Speaker 05

  Fat men are beautiful, they just gotta fuck somebody else.

• 16:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:27Speaker 05

  Cause I can't live, we can't even travel together.

• 16:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that is true, we're gonna, we could, if, if they would allow you to just buy three seats for two guys.

• 16:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:36Speaker 04

  That would change your life, I think.

• 16:38Speaker 05

  And they would, but it's not even just the seats, it's like.

• 16:40Speaker 04

  Right.

• 16:41Speaker 05

  It's too much.

• 16:42Speaker 04

  No, I get it, I get it.

• 16:42Speaker 05

  And also I would be too, do you know when you're with a fat friend, like, me and my friend Doyle were in this for a long time, where like, we would get together and it'd be like, we would have just had a big lunch and it'd be like, we gotta hit the buffet for dinner.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:54Speaker 05

  I can't be dating a fat guy and every night we're being like, Chili's?

• 16:58Speaker 04

  Right, right.

• 16:59Speaker 05

  I think I need someone around to be like, hey, worry about that heartburn.

• 17:01Speaker 04

  I get that, I definitely get that.

• 17:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:03Speaker 04

  You don't want, you do not want to, you know, to be completely, uh, uh, like codependent with someone that likes, I mean, me and Eldis essentially have been in a, in a straight, fat guy, gay marriage, you know what I mean? Like, like where, we just, we're just like, yeah, dude, get some ice cream, yeah, oh, ice cream, well, one of us has to be like, we'll, we'll do it honestly so pathetic, we'll be like, ice cream, who said that? We'll do that all the time, hmm.

• 17:29Speaker 05

  Did someone say a little treat after dinner before we watch our show?

• 17:35Speaker 04

  No, that's true, that is true, and I do think ultimately, there, I'm on a, I'm on a wave right now where it's like, you know, you can try and fix yourself as much as possible, but at a certain point, you kinda have to find the person who's fucked up in this, in the, the complimentary ways to you. So I do think probably I might end up with somebody, or like dating somebody who's like, when, when an eating disorder cancels out, you know what I mean? Like my friend George, he was fat and he got too maniacal about it and now he, he does have an eating disorder to like, to, in terms of health, where he's like, he's like, you know, macros guy, all this kinda shit.

• 18:12Speaker 04

  And, but having him around, where he's so maniacal about, I just eat healthier when I'm with him versus when I'm with Eldis, and I think a woman, I did in the past date a lot of girls with eating disorders by accident, because I think they were sort of like, whoa, it's kinda nice, he's like eating pizza this voraciously, you know what I mean?

• 18:31Speaker 05

  He doesn't mind if I have lunch.

• 18:33Speaker 04

  No, exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that could be good for me too, where somebody who just sort of like, I could bring them to the fat side, they could bring me to the, you know, don't have four desserts side, you know what I mean?

• 18:44Speaker 05

  I think that'd be, yeah, that's okay.

• 18:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 05

  I think the, the funny thing about the person, the former fat person who loses a bunch of weight and they get real like high on their, they get real high and mighty.

• 18:52Speaker 04

  To George's credit, he's not high and mighty.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  No, no, I'm not talking about George, shout out to George.

• 18:56Speaker 04

  These people definitely exist.

• 18:57Speaker 05

  These people get served to me on like Instagram reels sometimes, that they'll be like, they'll be like, I used to be 450 pounds, I was fucking disgusting and so are you if you're that weight.

• 19:04Speaker 04

  Right, right, right.

• 19:05Speaker 05

  You wanna look like me and then you look at them and you're like, well, hold your horses, boss.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  Not really.

• 19:08Speaker 05

  You are thin, but you are ugly as fuck.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  You look fucked up.

• 19:11Speaker 05

  You look bad.

• 19:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:12Speaker 05

  So I would relax on maybe the self-righteousness and just enjoy your walks.

• 19:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, I started respecting myself and everything changed, you can too, you fat tub of shit, and it's like, ah, inspiring, you know what I mean? And like, what? Ooh, sounds good.

• 19:26Speaker 05

  I don't wanna do that. See, that's the kinda thing I don't want, I'm even like, even us talking about being fat and losing weight, I'm like, I don't wanna hear anybody's fucking thoughts on it.

• 19:34Speaker 04

  I get that.

• 19:34Speaker 05

  Like I'm talking to my buddy.

• 19:35Speaker 04

  I get that.

• 19:36Speaker 05

  But I'm like, all these people that sound off about like weight, and I'm just like, I don't care what you think.

• 19:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's fair, that is fair.

• 19:42Speaker 05

  I don't care what you think.

• 19:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:43Speaker 05

  I think you were great now, I think you looked great then, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have fucked you at either time for so many reasons.

• 19:48Speaker 04

  Right, right, yeah, me neither.

• 19:49Speaker 05

  And not even like straight or fat stuff, mostly it's about like, I don't think you treat me right.

• 19:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's true, I would fucking use you and toss you aside.

• 19:59Speaker 05

  You'd be on the next plane to Cleveland.

• 20:01Speaker 04

  You'd be just a little piece ass on my stop through the Midwest.

• 20:03Speaker 05

  You'd fucking call me at one in the morning and then you'd be like, I gotta play the funny ball.

• 20:11Speaker 04

  What's going on with you? Oh, so yeah, what's going on with you? I would give you one of those half-heartedly every once in a while.

• 20:16Speaker 05

  Anyway, you want a cup of water?

• 20:19Speaker 04

  Anyway, where are my manners?

• 20:20Speaker 05

  We'll probably get to it.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, that's true.

• 20:25Speaker 05

  We won't do it, we won't do it.

• 20:26Speaker 04

  No, we'll never, this will they, won't they, it'll just never happen.

• 20:30Speaker 05

  We'll keep it platonic, and I think that'll be beautiful, and I, as much as I do want you to settle down with a good woman, the idea of sending a woman in there to, you know, it kind of feels like-

• 20:39Speaker 04

  Sending peacekeepers, the UN peacekeepers into Gaza is basically what it's like.

• 20:43Speaker 05

  I'm gonna give them a little journalist vest and send them to your house.

• 20:48Speaker 04

  Hey, just do your best. I know it's stacked against you.

• 20:51Speaker 05

  Just get the story if you can. Maybe write a note to your family before we send you.

• 20:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, have your affairs in order, but I'm, I'm kind of excited, because I don't feel like I've been a person for like, six months, and I'm kind of like excited to just not have to do anything and see what happens, see what my brain comes up with.

• 21:10Speaker 05

  Are you really gonna take time off?

• 21:12Speaker 04

  I am actually going to do it this time.

• 21:14Speaker 05

  Where are you gonna be? Are you gonna spend it in New York?

• 21:15Speaker 04

  I'm gonna spend it in New York, because it's the fall in New York, it's the best. So October, November, I have nothing. I'm gonna be chilling in New York, maybe do, maybe do stand-up, but for fun, not working on anything, just popping in at clubs, doing my friend's shows, hanging out, going to a fucking movie, you know what I mean? Like, seeing some old shit on film. We're in the best city in the world, and it's in the fall, and I was gonna go away, but I was like, why?

• 21:39Speaker 05

  Don't go away.

• 21:39Speaker 04

  I have, I'm in the best place to be, October, November, so I'm gonna go crazy, and then I'm gonna go spend a lot of time with my family in December, and then I'll probably go away like, December, January, lose some cold.

• 21:51Speaker 05

  That's the move.

• 21:51Speaker 04

  Go to the fucking, you know, go to the beach or some shit like that.

• 21:54Speaker 05

  That's the move. Go jump in the ocean every day.

• 21:56Speaker 04

  So I'm excited.

• 21:57Speaker 05

  I was just, there was a two-week period where I'm just coming off of, between LA and Hawaii, where I was in the ocean every day.

• 22:02Speaker 04

  Whoa.

• 22:03Speaker 05

  And god, it was good. Sunset ocean, most of them.

• 22:04Speaker 04

  Holy shit.

• 22:05Speaker 05

  I was getting into the sunset ocean.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  God damn.

• 22:08Speaker 05

  I'm swimming in the ocean at sunset, and my friends were sick of me.

• 22:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:11Speaker 05

  We were in the ocean, I kept turning to him going, "How lucky are we?"

• 22:15Speaker 05

  They're going, "You said that last night."

• 22:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, we're pretty lucky, man, we get it.

• 22:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:19Speaker 04

  How was Hawaii? I've never been, I've considered, I'm considering going, yeah?

• 22:23Speaker 05

  It was beautiful. I will say, I tried to crack one too many jokes.

• 22:26Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 22:27Speaker 05

  Um, I asked, uh, I asked, uh, some of my Samoan friends, "So what's like the ethical way to buy property around here?"

• 22:37Speaker 05

  It, it was not even met with a half-hearted laugh.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:40Speaker 05

  I go, I go, "So is there like an ethical way to buy property around here?" And they're like, "No."

• 22:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:44Speaker 05

  And I was like, "Cool, cool, cool."

• 22:45Speaker 04

  Cool, sorry about that, guys.

• 22:47Speaker 05

  No worries, no worries.

• 22:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:48Speaker 05

  I said something else, too. I made a joke to somebody. Yeah, I tried to do too many jokes, but it was a beautiful place and beautiful people.

• 22:54Speaker 04

  Of course, of course.

• 22:54Speaker 05

  I enjoyed my visit.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  Well, it is people that look like you asking those questions, non-ironically.

• 22:59Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 22:59Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? And it's like, it is funny, because you're basically like Kansas City businessmen, um, like, that, you're, that's the hardware, and you ran fun-loving gay guy software. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you should be in a three-piece suit looking to displace Hawaii, native Hawaiians. That's what this body is meant to be. It's not meant for cute little jean shorts. It's meant, it's meant for like, uh, you know, a pleated trouser, and be, and asking for the numbers, you know what I mean? Like, that's, so they, so, something about your just-

• 23:31Speaker 05

  There's a primal feeling that was arisen, yeah.

• 23:34Speaker 04

  Exactly, exactly. Coming out of, that question coming out of your face, I think triggered fight or flight for them.

• 23:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 04

  Because it is, you know, Kansas City businessmen being like, "Nah, how, how could we do a deal on the acre?" I know, that's not what they talk like, but it feels like- Nah, I was noticing, maybe we could get a deal on, uh, some of those, some of that beachfront property.

• 23:53Speaker 05

  Perhaps a Starbucks in the mountains there.

• 23:56Speaker 04

  Your sacred ground, your burial ground. Have you ever thought about putting, uh, ho, a Trader Joe's there?

• 24:04Speaker 05

  I like this character for you a lot. I'd like to see more of him.

• 24:07Speaker 04

  Southern developer?

• 24:08Speaker 05

  Yeah. I'd like to see a lot more of him.

• 24:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:10Speaker 05

  I think another joke I maybe made was, I can't remember if I, if I said this one, uh, or not, but they, you're not supposed to take stuff from the beaches.

• 24:17Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 24:18Speaker 05

  They were very, we were told like, "Don't take shells or driftwood from the beaches, it's very sacred to the Hawaiian people."

• 24:22Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 24:23Speaker 05

  Which I actually did know, and I think I, I either said or typed out and deleted, um, "What's the rule on bad bitches?"

• 24:32Speaker 05

  I thought that'd be kind of fun.

• 24:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, that is fun.

• 24:34Speaker 05

  But, you know-

• 24:35Speaker 04

  Can I take a bad bitch with me home?

• 24:36Speaker 05

  Yeah. If you find a bad bitch at the beach-

• 24:38Speaker 04

  That's a fair question.

• 24:39Speaker 05

  That's, come on!

• 24:40Speaker 04

  Is that part of the natural ecological system?

• 24:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, it just depends.

• 24:43Speaker 04

  It's fucked up.

• 24:44Speaker 05

  You gotta ask.

• 24:44Speaker 04

  Do I have to, do, must I fuck the bad bitch on the beach?

• 24:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, do we have to do it there?

• 24:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 05

  Do we have to do it there?

• 24:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:51Speaker 05

  Not a lot of gay guys on Hawaii.

• 24:53Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 24:53Speaker 05

  I noticed.

• 24:54Speaker 04

  Why not?

• 24:55Speaker 05

  The density, it was very spread out. I mean, the, where I was at, it was very spread out. Closest gay guy oftentimes was 12 miles away.

• 25:01Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 25:02Speaker 05

  It's a far distance for a gay guy to be.

• 25:04Speaker 04

  That's tough, yeah.

• 25:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, so the island was beautiful, I had some really good poke, I enjoyed the ocean, Drew's wedding was beautiful.

• 25:10Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 25:11Speaker 05

  Absolutely stunning, uh, ceremony, everybody looked gorgeous.

• 25:13Speaker 04

  Oh, that's awesome. A Hawaii beach wedding is so sick.

• 25:17Speaker 05

  It was gorgeous.

• 25:18Speaker 04

  So no gay guys, though, huh?

• 25:19Speaker 05

  There were gay guys, they were just few and far between.

• 25:21Speaker 04

  I see.

• 25:21Speaker 05

  They were few and far between.

• 25:22Speaker 04

  Did you get a little fucking moped?

• 25:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  And go through the fucking mountains?

• 25:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, I had to fucking journey.

• 25:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:27Speaker 05

  I had to build a, like a raft, and like float to a gay guy, it was crazy.

• 25:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:31Speaker 05

  It was beautiful there, it really is gorgeous. You understand why Jack Johnson lives down there?

• 25:34Speaker 04

  Oh, Jack Johnson's over there.

• 25:35Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:36Speaker 04

  I'm not up on Jack, I'm not up on where Jack Johnson lives.

• 25:39Speaker 05

  He's down there making banana pancakes.

• 25:40Speaker 04

  It's so awesome that that's, you're like, wow, and you know, so beautiful, even Jack Johnson couldn't resist the siren call.

• 25:47Speaker 05

  He could've lived anywhere, so.

• 25:50Speaker 05

  He could've lived anywhere.

• 25:51Speaker 04

  It, no disrespect to Jack Johnson, but it's like, you didn't even start with Dave Matthews.

• 25:56Speaker 05

  No.

• 25:56Speaker 04

  You know what I mean?

• 25:56Speaker 05

  I don't know where he lives. I don't know where he lives. Does Dave Matthews have Curious George money?

• 26:02Speaker 04

  Does, oh, oh, did he write the Curious George?

• 26:04Speaker 05

  Jack Johnson?

• 26:05Speaker 04

  I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm not a fucking Jack Johnson historian.

• 26:08Speaker 05

  I want to turn the whole world upside down?

• 26:11Speaker 04

  You're madder, I would like, for the record, you're madder about this than Adele?

• 26:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 04

  And let's just fucking-

• 26:15Speaker 05

  I fucking love Jack Johnson. I just went to his concert, it was amazing.

• 26:18Speaker 04

  Really? What's his big one? What's his big hit?

• 26:20Speaker 05

  Boy, his big one, god, it'd be hard to choose.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 26:22Speaker 05

  Banana pancakes.

• 26:24Speaker 04

  Oh, so banana pancakes, you were making a reference.

• 26:27Speaker 05

  I see, I see. Sitting waiting, wishing.

• 26:29Speaker 04

  This is where you realize we are different types of white people.

• 26:32Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 26:33Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? This is where, this is where the like Midwest, you know, versus East Coast immigrant who grew up around-

• 26:38Speaker 05

  Jack Johnson was the, my type of white kid in Missouri's, like rebellious response to being raised by parrot heads.

• 26:46Speaker 04

  Oh, that's crazy.

• 26:47Speaker 05

  Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, I'm different from my parents, kind of.

• 26:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:52Speaker 05

  You know what I mean?

• 26:53Speaker 04

  But I still got a toe in these waters, yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 05

  Where does, where does, uh, where does he live, Dave Matthews?

• 26:58Speaker 04

  Dave Matthews lives in Seattle, Washington.

• 27:00Speaker 05

  At Trax.

• 27:00Speaker 04

  Not as nice.

• 27:01Speaker 05

  It's Hawaii-adjacent.

• 27:02Speaker 04

  No, it's not.

• 27:03Speaker 05

  People who live in Seattle and people who live in Hawaii, there's some overlap.

• 27:06Speaker 04

  Interesting, but it's fucking rainy, there's no beaches, it's cold.

• 27:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it's not one of the big places, and it's over there, and it's about the outdoors, and it's nature people, it's biking and it's sandals.

• 27:15Speaker 04

  Okay, all right. Sandals, I'll give you.

• 27:17Speaker 05

  Thank you for sandals. Sandals, you can have, sandals, you can have.

• 27:19Speaker 04

  I'll give you sandals. You know, Dave Ma, that was like, that was like, that was like, uh, boat shoes white guy.

• 27:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, there are boat shoes white guy overlap. There's some boat shoes white guy overlap. I think, uh, I think you'd have a really nice time with a Jack Johnson record.

• 27:33Speaker 04

  Listen, now, where I'm not as worried about fitting in and, you know, having to hide, having to hide my, the, the type of stuff I like, maybe I'll check out Jack Johnson.

• 27:43Speaker 05

  I, I went to his concert, he was playing, he was playing, he used to shoot like surfing movies.

• 27:47Speaker 04

  Oh, sick.

• 27:47Speaker 05

  He used to film like surfers and ocean footage, and he played a bunch of it behind him while he played his songs.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  That's kind of sick.

• 27:52Speaker 05

  It was sick. I posted on my Instagram story and said, "Does anybody at this concert have weed?"

• 27:59Speaker 05

  And of course, everyone does.

• 28:00Speaker 04

  Everyone did.

• 28:01Speaker 05

  But a couple lesbians came over and gave me an edible. They said, "We saw your Instagram story, do you want some edibles?" I said, "Yeah."

• 28:05Speaker 04

  That's the dream.

• 28:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, I had a hot dog, fucking night of my life.

• 28:09Speaker 04

  I'm listening.

• 28:10Speaker 05

  Lake Street Dive opened, you know Lake Street Dive?

• 28:12Speaker 04

  I don't.

• 28:13Speaker 05

  Lake Street Dive?

• 28:15Speaker 04

  Sorry, man, I don't know what the fuck you want from me.

• 28:17Speaker 05

  Lake Street Dive is good.

• 28:19Speaker 05

  They can sing. Their, their, uh, their guy on the keys, they let him every once in a while, he'll take center stage and he'll cover, um, You're Still The One by Shania Twain, and he fucking rips that song.

• 28:27Speaker 04

  Fuck, that's a good song.

• 28:29Speaker 05

  Oh my god, that concert was good.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  Shania, I'm in on. See, here's the thing, what honestly, what fed a lot of the stuff I liked was, could I also be horny to this?

• 28:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay.

• 28:37Speaker 04

  Is it art I like and can I get horny?

• 28:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:40Speaker 04

  Because Shania Twain, I was a big fan of. The Spice Girls, I loved, right? As a little boy, because it was both like catchy tunes, and I was like, ooh, maybe, maybe Ginger and Scary would like me.

• 28:51Speaker 05

  The idea that-

• 28:52Speaker 04

  Maybe I could be friends, maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time.

• 28:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 04

  Those were my desires.

• 28:56Speaker 05

  Two Spice Girls.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  The dream.

• 28:58Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 28:59Speaker 04

  Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger Spice and Scary Spice?

• 29:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, if they were boys.

• 29:07Speaker 04

  All right, put yourself in my shoes. Put yourself in my shoes, that's kind of awesome.

• 29:16Speaker 05

  This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate. But thankfully, our friends at Hinge are here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted. It's for people dating with intention, going on dates, putting themselves out there. Hinge is designed for finding connections. What makes Hinge the ideal dating app is its user-friendly layout and its interactive prompts feature that allow you to ask potential suitors questions or pick topics to get the conversation going without the awkward ice breaking phase. What we hear is so true, the whole team love the most about Hinge, and we're always bringing this up, has got to be the signals feature, which allows you to see what profiles thoughtfully engage with their matches.

• 29:58Speaker 05

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• 30:22Speaker 04

  For you?

• 30:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, give them, you know me best, give them a reflection of me.

• 30:25Speaker 04

  Oh, wow. A great smile, and he always picks up the check.

• 30:30Speaker 05

  That's actually, yeah, that's actually really nice. Actually, Nicole Clip, that's in that to me. Next time you're looking to make a connection, do us a favor and give Hinge a try. Fall is the season of doing the most. Coffee runs, weekend plans, travel days, errands, and somehow still trying to make it ever on time and with Skechers. Doing all those things has never been easier. We recently talked about Skechers in a not-so-glowing light on the show in an episode with a guest who will not be named, I know that's right. And wouldn't you know it, Skechers heard the call and came knocking on our doorstep. You know what? Good for Skechers. Finally, a brand with a sense of humor. You gotta try their hands-free slip-ins. You just slip in and go. Don't I know it?

• 31:14Speaker 05

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• 31:56Speaker 05

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• 32:41Speaker 05

  Search Whatnot, W-H-A-T-N-O-T, in the App Store. Sign up and start finding the best deals on the products you love with $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. How did you, okay, football team?

• 32:53Speaker 04

  I'm in.

• 32:53Speaker 05

  How did you feel? Like, did you feel like confident and cool and tough on the football team? Were you like, I kinda don't belong here?

• 32:58Speaker 04

  No, no, I fucking loved it.

• 33:00Speaker 05

  You felt confident?

• 33:00Speaker 04

  I loved it. I was good at being a nose tackle, and I also liked being on the football team. Like, I quit my senior year because they got a new coach who, like, worked too hard.

• 33:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:11Speaker 04

  And I was like, fuck, it would have been cool to, like, do, play football my senior year, I guess.

• 33:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:16Speaker 04

  But I just, ultimately, what I liked was, I, it was like, cause it was, like, so much of my identity too was, football was also forbidden for me because my parents were smart and were like, you'll get fucking brain damage if you play this barbaric American sport.

• 33:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:32Speaker 04

  Right? Like, they did not grow up with football at all. My dad thought it was fucking stupid. They, the only reason I was allowed to play football was because while I was playing soccer, well, our, I don't know if I told you this, our coach gave a child pornography, not in a molesting way, and they're like, dude, we're, I'm a cool way.

• 33:48Speaker 05

  Check this shit out.

• 33:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, and like, and like, a cool, older, pathetic, older brother trying to win over, you know, anyway, so he got busted, and I had eligibility. He, I think he just got fired, unfortunately. I don't think he went to jail. I think it was more of a like, let's sweep this under the rug.

• 34:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:03Speaker 04

  You didn't, you weren't trying to fuck him, right?

• 34:05Speaker 05

  Promise?

• 34:06Speaker 04

  He's like, no.

• 34:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're like, it wasn't a molesting way. I'm like, I think it had to have been.

• 34:11Speaker 04

  Okay, I don't think it was, because hilariously, I knew this guy. This is actually, there's, there's levels to this story. He used to be a deacon at my church, and he tried to ste, but hold on.

• 34:24Speaker 05

  Not getting any further away from him.

• 34:26Speaker 04

  Greek Orthodox church, you're allowed to get pussy. The Catholics are the ones that sort of started the no-wives rule, and, you know, I'm not, I think that was a bad bit of social engineering personally. I think we see what it led to, but anyway, this guy got caught ra, he tried to do an Ocean's Eleven, and him and a guy robbed the church after, like, Holy Week, when it had the most dollar bills and the tithes shit. And he got arrested, and I also knew that, and I guess, I don't know why they didn't do a background check on this guy, so I actually had blackmail on this guy. And so I knew this guy was a criminal, and I knew he would never pass a background check. And so I guess the school just didn't do one? And so when he gave out the porn, then they did a background check, and they just immediately fired him.

• 35:09Speaker 05

  I love that you're like, I know he didn't want to molest this kid, he was a thief.

• 35:11Speaker 04

  He was also, he was also a different type of even, of depraved criminal.

• 35:16Speaker 05

  Well, he stole from the church. I don't think a guy who stole from the church would fuck a kid. All right? I, I just, I'm sorry, Caleb.

• 35:25Speaker 04

  I understand, I understand that my logic, when put that way, does not track, but I guess.

• 35:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay, oh, sure, yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 04

  I guess you're right.

• 35:33Speaker 05

  So he stole from the church and fucked kids.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  And he would try and get started off by a kid, all right? Come on, dude. That's two different types of criminals.

• 35:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:41Speaker 04

  You don't really hear too many heist molesters.

• 35:43Speaker 05

  No.

• 35:44Speaker 04

  It's one or the other, usually.

• 35:45Speaker 05

  Usually you have your one thrill, yeah.

• 35:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Danny Ocean didn't fuck any kids.

• 35:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:50Speaker 04

  You know what I mean?

• 35:50Speaker 05

  He didn't need to.

• 35:51Speaker 04

  He didn't need to.

• 35:52Speaker 05

  He was stealing.

• 35:52Speaker 04

  The stealing was the thrill, and he liked, you know, he was Julia Roberts.

• 35:55Speaker 05

  Well, kind of.

• 35:57Speaker 04

  Well, he, yeah, he messed it up with her.

• 35:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 35:59Speaker 05

  Fuck.

• 36:00Speaker 04

  Great movies, by the way. You've seen the Ocean's movies.

• 36:02Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 36:02Speaker 04

  All right.

• 36:03Speaker 05

  You think I haven't seen something Julia Roberts is involved in?

• 36:04Speaker 04

  That's a good point.

• 36:05Speaker 05

  They put Julia in something they know I'll show up.

• 36:07Speaker 04

  You're in there.

• 36:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like when you put, you put a block of cheese under a box with a stick holding it up. That's what Julia Roberts in movies is to me.

• 36:15Speaker 04

  I love that.

• 36:16Speaker 05

  I see the stick in the box, and I go, the stick's gonna fall, and I'm gonna be trapped in the box.

• 36:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:20Speaker 05

  I, well, I run in there anyway.

• 36:21Speaker 04

  Whoa, Julia Roberts.

• 36:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, I've seen Hook, I've seen her with the pixie cut.

• 36:24Speaker 04

  The pixie cut's awesome.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  I saw non-binary Julia Roberts.

• 36:26Speaker 04

  I wouldn't go that far.

• 36:27Speaker 05

  She looks non-binary in that movie.

• 36:28Speaker 04

  You think so?

• 36:29Speaker 05

  Pull up a picture of Julia Roberts in Hook.

• 36:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, let's pull it up.

• 36:32Speaker 05

  Pull up Julia Roberts tinkerbell hook performance.

• 36:37Speaker 04

  You know, I haven't seen it in a while, I wonder if her attitude is also tinkerbell.

• 36:40Speaker 05

  She was given FTM boots.

• 36:41Speaker 04

  Well, she was, she was really, oh, you know what?

• 36:44Speaker 05

  FTM boots.

• 36:46Speaker 04

  I take it all the way the fuck back.

• 36:48Speaker 05

  FTM boots.

• 36:50Speaker 04

  Damn. That is actually maybe.

• 36:52Speaker 05

  Tell me someone like.

• 36:53Speaker 04

  The most non-binary haircut I've ever seen in my life.

• 36:55Speaker 05

  You've gotten a latte from that person.

• 36:57Speaker 04

  100%, it was delicious.

• 36:58Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 36:59Speaker 04

  The ratio of oat milk to freshly ground coffee was just right.

• 37:03Speaker 05

  That person has given you the best latte of your life, and they're playing kick-ass music.

• 37:06Speaker 04

  You know, absolutely, they have some deep cuts.

• 37:08Speaker 05

  They're on that far left one, Chance, bring her, bring them up.

• 37:11Speaker 04

  Is this Hollywood star, like, you know, we talk about the gay agenda, we don't talk about the non-binary agenda.

• 37:18Speaker 05

  They don't want you to.

• 37:18Speaker 04

  Was this Hollywood sneaking in, making, making us horny to the non-binary? Cause I remember having a huge crush on pixie cut, tinkerbell, Julia Roberts, but I think maybe it got, it also got mixed up with regular tinkerbell. Maybe I put some of Tinkerbell's attitude into hot Julia Roberts. It's just an interesting question to pose and ponder.

• 37:40Speaker 05

  I think she's just a beautiful woman with short hair. It's probably, it's probably what you were going through.

• 37:48Speaker 04

  I'm just saying, I'm asking questions, is that so fucking much to do?

• 37:52Speaker 05

  No, what's interesting is.

• 37:53Speaker 04

  Is that so illegal?

• 37:54Speaker 05

  Before.

• 37:54Speaker 04

  Is that so illegal to ask questions?

• 37:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, probably.

• 37:57Speaker 04

  In 1990, what year was this? 90 what?

• 38:00Speaker 05

  92, 93?

• 38:02Speaker 04

  In that year, anyway.

• 38:03Speaker 05

  That was later than that, wasn't it?

• 38:04Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 38:05Speaker 05

  Look up Hook Year.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:07Speaker 05

  Chance.

• 38:07Speaker 04

  Walk him through it, walk him through it. Hook Year on Google Images.

• 38:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, make sure it's an image search.

• 38:12Speaker 04

  Probably not Images, I would say. 91.

• 38:15Speaker 05

  91?

• 38:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  That film is old. But what's interesting is before, before we had woke, we used to have really, really gay and queer stuff.

• 38:25Speaker 04

  Totally.

• 38:25Speaker 05

  Because they, no one was even thinking about it.

• 38:27Speaker 04

  No, I mean, who the fuck taught Republicans about themes?

• 38:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:31Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? Who the fuck, who the fuck taught them about critical media studies? It's like, they used to love gay shit and not realize it. It's like, Liberace, people thought Liberace was straight.

• 38:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:43Speaker 04

  The most homophobic guy of all time played Liberace to relax before fucking, you know, having horrific sex with his wife.

• 38:49Speaker 05

  He just likes his songs.

• 38:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, he just, it's like, why did we have, why did we teach that? Why did we teach them fucking media, you know, like?

• 38:56Speaker 05

  I don't know, we messed up.

• 38:58Speaker 04

  We really messed up.

• 38:58Speaker 05

  Cause they were enjoying gay stuff as much as we were.

• 39:01Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 39:01Speaker 05

  We were all enjoying gay subtext.

• 39:03Speaker 04

  I also think probably, here's, here's a theory I have too, is that, kinda, it kinda ties into our closeted, like, secret gay sex theory.

• 39:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  I think parades used to be so much better in, like, the 30s, 40s, and 50s, cause of how many closeted gay guys, this was their one opportunity to be really creative.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  It was the church choir.

• 39:21Speaker 04

  It was, exactly.

• 39:22Speaker 05

  It was the parade. It was the two times a year you got to be like, uh, for God or the country, I'm doing costumes.

• 39:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do drag for Easter.

• 39:31Speaker 05

  It's called patriotism.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, absolutely.

• 39:35Speaker 05

  Now you can just do drag, so it's like, now everything's gay.

• 39:38Speaker 04

  I do think, I think parades were awesome in the 50s, cause of how many closeted guys had to put all their effort.

• 39:43Speaker 05

  I don't know anything about 50s parades, I'm warning you.

• 39:45Speaker 04

  I feel like they were, I mean, I don't either, I just feel like they were.

• 39:47Speaker 05

  You just have a feeling.

• 39:48Speaker 04

  I just have a feeling, cause it was like, you know, everything, there's no other way to really celebrate.

• 39:52Speaker 05

  This is actually just making me think right now that you and I should have a joint float in the Macy's Day Parade.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  Oh my god, I would love that.

• 39:58Speaker 05

  For Stavi's World and So True.

• 39:59Speaker 04

  I would love that.

• 40:00Speaker 05

  And it's just two, two huge, like, we should make huge hilarious.

• 40:04Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 40:05Speaker 05

  Paper mache us's.

• 40:06Speaker 04

  Round as fuck.

• 40:07Speaker 05

  And have them talking into giant microphones.

• 40:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:10Speaker 04

  And we're doing a live pod while the float is going. We're doing, we're just like, talking, which is the worst part of all of that.

• 40:16Speaker 05

  It's fucking cold, I want pumpkin pie. Yeah, we're, we're doing, we're doing Fuck, Marry, Kill, The Turkey. It's just blasting out from speakers as we go down the street.

• 40:25Speaker 04

  The turkey. I guess, I don't know who it is, but I think we probably end up killing the pilgrims in the traditional.

• 40:31Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 40:31Speaker 04

  In the traditional.

• 40:32Speaker 05

  That's the way that you and I would land on stuff. Yeah.

• 40:34Speaker 04

  You fuck the turkey, which it means eat it.

• 40:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:38Speaker 04

  Right?

• 40:38Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 40:39Speaker 04

  I think in this case. And then you marry the Native Americans.

• 40:42Speaker 05

  Was an interesting look into your psyche, by the way.

• 40:46Speaker 04

  Oh, is that connected? Oh, is that unfortunately very connected?

• 40:51Speaker 05

  You fuck the turkey, which of course means you have a beautiful meal.

• 40:55Speaker 05

  I'm not prepared to do all the math, but I'm certain that the numbers need to be stacked up and have a line underneath them. I know, I know the equation should happen.

• 41:05Speaker 04

  No, it is fucked up how much I'm like, dude, I just, I just got to have sex. I should have a delicious treat on top of it. You know what I mean?

• 41:12Speaker 05

  Or damn, I'd love to have sex right now. I guess I'll settle for a delicious treat.

• 41:16Speaker 04

  But either way, the treat's being ingested.

• 41:18Speaker 05

  The treat's being ingested.

• 41:19Speaker 04

  We can do that math right now.

• 41:21Speaker 05

  Are you on treats right now?

• 41:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:23Speaker 05

  You're doing treats?

• 41:23Speaker 04

  Unfortunately, I like, I've settled into, I figured out the rhythm to beat GLP-1s.

• 41:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:30Speaker 04

  I figured it out where it's sort of like, you ever play like a stealth video game?

• 41:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:34Speaker 04

  And you have to like break, like let's say Metal Gear Solid.

• 41:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:37Speaker 04

  And you have to like dart across a hallway when the guard has its back turned. The sixth day of a GLP-1 shot, the warden turns his back.

• 41:48Speaker 04

  And you have like a 12 hour window to be like.

• 41:52Speaker 04

  And I'm going nuts, dude. I'm going nuts on it.

• 41:55Speaker 05

  Why are you on it?

• 41:57Speaker 04

  Because if I wasn't on it this year, I would have, I would have gotten back to 350.

• 42:01Speaker 05

  Really?

• 42:02Speaker 04

  I fucked my back up really bad and I haven't been able to exercise and I've been really stressed.

• 42:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 04

  And so, yeah, I've been stress eating. I've actually even less, I have been having less fun than usual. I wasn't even like being a little slutty boy as much. But, but yeah, I just like, I needed to, I knew if left to my own devices this last year, I would have completely food relapsed. And so I'm on it. But yeah, I am pushing the drugs to their limit. I am their most respected opponent.

• 42:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:31Speaker 04

  They are beating me, but it's, I say in the special too, every series, every series goes seven games between me and GLP-1s.

• 42:39Speaker 05

  You and GLP-1s.

• 42:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:40Speaker 05

  It's funny, the number of fat people that have come to me hat in hand and like, kind of asked me like the don's permission to get on a GLP-1.

• 42:47Speaker 04

  Oh, that's so fucking funny.

• 42:48Speaker 05

  And I really don't care what people do. I, the one thing with me and GLP-1s, I don't know if I've said this on the show or not, I've said a lot in my life. It so far is, I don't care what anyone does. Take the GLP-1s. I don't, it doesn't matter to me. Uh, don't call it a miracle drug. It's not a miracle.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  Interesting.

• 43:02Speaker 05

  It's not a miracle. It has side effects.

• 43:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:04Speaker 05

  It is a drug. Miracle drug pisses me off. What are you, seven?

• 43:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:08Speaker 05

  It's not a miracle.

• 43:09Speaker 04

  Well, I mean, I think every drug is a miracle, actually. Like Advil's the miracle drug, bro.

• 43:13Speaker 05

  It's not a miracle if you can get liver cancer from it.

• 43:16Speaker 04

  Can you?

• 43:17Speaker 05

  The side effects of GLP-1s are like liver cancer, gallstones and blindness.

• 43:20Speaker 04

  Shut the fuck up.

• 43:21Speaker 05

  I'm just telling you.

• 43:22Speaker 04

  Now this fucking guy knows how to read a scientific study all of a sudden. Mr. Vibes, Mr. Jack Johnson is fucking settling in and reading the fucking.

• 43:30Speaker 05

  Jack's not on a GLP-1. He's always been very thin.

• 43:34Speaker 05

  Jack's on island time, brother.

• 43:35Speaker 04

  My whole point is my life, I've taken every drug anyway.

• 43:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:39Speaker 04

  Have I ever, have I ever looked at what Wipits does to you? Have I ever done the research on salvia or 200 milligrams of weed?

• 43:47Speaker 05

  It's a great argument.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  No. This, this is my, this is my argument about the vaccine too. I was like, I don't give a fuck. If someone has drugs, I just do the drugs. If you tell me it might help my life, I do it. That's how I felt about GLP-1s. Oh, was I, have you ever read the studies on Molly? You know what I mean? Like.

• 44:03Speaker 05

  It's a great argument. It also tracks with the difference between us because I don't do drugs and I'm like this about everything.

• 44:09Speaker 04

  Oh, I see. You're a fucking bitch.

• 44:11Speaker 05

  Really nice point.

• 44:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:13Speaker 05

  It's a really nice point. Are you someone who thinks about what goes into your body or not? Pussy.

• 44:22Speaker 05

  And I am.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  No, actually gay guys love putting stuff into their body.

• 44:25Speaker 05

  That's true.

• 44:25Speaker 04

  They love party drugs. They're, I mean, you want to talk about at the forefront of party drugs.

• 44:29Speaker 05

  Gay guys are doing it. They're innovating in the space constantly.

• 44:32Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 44:33Speaker 05

  I am very scared of drugs.

• 44:34Speaker 04

  Interesting.

• 44:35Speaker 05

  All of them. I just, my, I'm about to have this tonsillectomy. And I told, uh, the doctor was like, we're gonna send you home with oxy. And I was like, I'm not gonna take it until I have to. I'm very scared of drugs.

• 44:45Speaker 04

  Have you ever had a pill problem?

• 44:47Speaker 05

  No, but I grew up in Missouri.

• 44:48Speaker 04

  Right.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  So it's in there.

• 44:49Speaker 04

  Trailer, trailer living.

• 44:51Speaker 05

  It's in there. And also there was just a series of like five years where like an acquaintance a week died from like pill problems.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  No, I mean, that's why I didn't take pills this year. Uh, cause I fucked my back up, broke my arm and I've just been living off edibles.

• 45:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:04Speaker 04

  But it got to like, I was taking like 200 milligrams at a certain point.

• 45:07Speaker 05

  200 milligrams of what? Day?

• 45:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, to go to bed. It got that bad. I'm back to like 70. I'm back to like, I've, I've knocked it down to like, that's where my tolerance is, but I have to get off them at some point.

• 45:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 04

  Will you ever have a little drug experimentation phase of your life, do you think?

• 45:25Speaker 05

  For what reason?

• 45:26Speaker 04

  For fun? For whimsy? You're a big whimsy guy.

• 45:30Speaker 05

  I have a lot of whimsy in my life.

• 45:31Speaker 04

  I'm just saying mushrooms?

• 45:34Speaker 05

  No. I doubt it.

• 45:35Speaker 04

  Why?

• 45:36Speaker 05

  Why would I? I don't, every, I don't need, I'm like having a good time.

• 45:39Speaker 04

  You're frolicking, right?

• 45:41Speaker 05

  Picture me frolicking.

• 45:42Speaker 04

  You're frolicking.

• 45:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  You're with a, you know, a cabal of lesbians. You guys are having a wonderful time.

• 45:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 04

  There's a.

• 45:48Speaker 05

  Immediately, I'm like, how did we convince them to come out? Okay.

• 45:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. True, true. I'm just saying this because I recently had a beautiful weekend upstate with my friend who's non-binary, their wife and, uh, it was all lesbians. And I was like, fuck, this is actually all, in fact, we did some naked photographs for the calendar and it was the most free I've ever felt naked around lesbians. There was some, cause it was like, you're ver, you're not used to nurturing female energy plus no sexual nervousness being nude.

• 46:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  And so it was this beautiful thing where I felt taken care of and I had no self-conscious thoughts about my little ass dick as they were photographing me.

• 46:28Speaker 05

  You're in a beautiful position where the literal worst thing that could happen is they steal your shirt.

• 46:35Speaker 05

  That is worst case. They're never gonna say something mean about your body. You don't have to worry about if they want to fuck you. You don't want to fuck them.

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Vintage Hawaiian is in trouble.

• 46:44Speaker 05

  You might, yeah, you might.

• 46:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:46Speaker 05

  You might be letting go of that Carhartt work in progress work jacket.

• 46:52Speaker 04

  Do not even think about bringing overalls to it. Yeah, the overalls are going first.

• 46:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, you might lose that nice, that smart watch you brought in. And I don't mean smart like digital. I mean smart like handsome.

• 47:01Speaker 04

  Of course, of course.

• 47:06Speaker 05

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• 51:16Speaker 06

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• 51:47Speaker 04

  So, anyway, let's say you're frolicking, you're in a meadow.

• 51:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 04

  A little bit of mushrooms just makes everything you're feeling ten times better.

• 51:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 04

  With no side effects, I'm not kidding. I'm not saying do a crazy dose. I'm saying do this much. And only because you love nature, you love being connected to your friends. I'm not kidding, good mushroom trips. And that's what I would start there. I'm not telling you to do, you're not a cocaine guy. You're not a pills guy. Actually, I could see that. But you're not, but like, you're not, that's not who you are, that's not what you want to be. Those things could be sinister in your life, but I think there's a couple drugs that could be positive and that's all I'm saying.

• 52:24Speaker 05

  I think there's a chance they could be positive, there's also a chance they, my fear is that I will mess up my brain.

• 52:29Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:30Speaker 05

  I don't want to mess up my brain.

• 52:31Speaker 04

  I would say

• 52:32Speaker 05

  They're like, oh, open up pathways. I'm like, fuck, I fucked that.

• 52:34Speaker 04

  To do what? Podcast?

• 52:36Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  You need your fucking brain, you need to be at the top of your brain to fucking podcast?

• 52:40Speaker 05

  Stav, if you think I bring my brain to this show.

• 52:41Speaker 04

  I know, that's what I'm saying. We don't have to use our brains for anything.

• 52:45Speaker 05

  You think I come in here with a brain?

• 52:48Speaker 04

  Interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, I'm just saying, you know, a little dabbling might be interesting for you.

• 52:54Speaker 05

  It totally could be, and I'm not saying it won't happen. I have a history of thinking that I won't do things and then I do them.

• 52:59Speaker 04

  Immediately, and then pretending like you're that guy the whole time.

• 53:02Speaker 05

  No, not always, sometimes.

• 53:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:04Speaker 05

  Sometimes I like the change, sometimes I don't like the change and try to pretend it wasn't a change.

• 53:07Speaker 04

  Right.

• 53:07Speaker 05

  Sometimes I embrace the change and go, isn't it beautiful that I changed?

• 53:09Speaker 04

  Speaking of pixie cuts, remember Beyonce's pixie cut that she immediately went away from?

• 53:13Speaker 05

  No.

• 53:14Speaker 04

  That was a moment.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  I never saw Beyonce with a pixie.

• 53:16Speaker 04

  This is me putting out an olive branch.

• 53:18Speaker 05

  That's really sweet.

• 53:19Speaker 04

  I remember a thing that happened that gay guys were talking about.

• 53:21Speaker 05

  Chance, can you pull up Beyonce pixie cut?

• 53:23Speaker 04

  It was like she put it on Instagram and people didn't fuck with it and she immediately pretended it didn't happen. Do you remember this?

• 53:29Speaker 05

  I can see why she changed, I think she looks fucking gorgeous with it.

• 53:32Speaker 04

  She looks incredible.

• 53:32Speaker 05

  But I can see what people were responding to, they want her to be

• 53:35Speaker 04

  They want her, yes.

• 53:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, they want her to have the long hair blowing in the wind.

• 53:39Speaker 04

  I have always liked short hair. I mean, yeah.

• 53:41Speaker 05

  It doesn't get said enough.

• 53:42Speaker 04

  That Beyonce's

• 53:43Speaker 05

  Well, I think at this point we just know, I'm wondering if we're still telling her.

• 53:46Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm, I think so.

• 53:47Speaker 05

  Jay-Z, are you telling her?

• 53:49Speaker 04

  I don't know if Jay-Z is, but somebody else probably.

• 53:50Speaker 05

  Jay-Z, you better tell her how beautiful she is. She really is so beautiful and she nailed it by doing interviews for two years and then saying, I'm actually all good.

• 53:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 05

  Refusing to do interviews now is like

• 54:00Speaker 04

  It's the most boss move of all time.

• 54:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, she really is.

• 54:02Speaker 04

  Not doing press is the most impressive thing of all time.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  God.

• 54:06Speaker 04

  So, anyway, you don't remember that, but what point was I making?

• 54:10Speaker 05

  I mean, based on the filter, this had to be, what, like 2009?

• 54:13Speaker 04

  I don't fuck

• 54:14Speaker 05

  2011? I don't fucking know when she got this pixie cut.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Well, anyway, I feel like you would pull a move like this. You would try something new that didn't land and you'd pretend it never happened.

• 54:22Speaker 05

  You think so?

• 54:23Speaker 04

  I think you have that in you.

• 54:24Speaker 05

  What do you think of me? You have generally positive feelings about me?

• 54:26Speaker 04

  Hugely positive feelings about you. Insanely positive.

• 54:29Speaker 05

  I think you're a fraud, I think you're

• 54:31Speaker 04

  These are all positives to me.

• 54:32Speaker 05

  No, I love you.

• 54:33Speaker 04

  The fact that you have that, what I love about you is that you do have immeasurable darkness in you and you keep it locked away.

• 54:42Speaker 04

  That you, you fight against

• 54:44Speaker 05

  I feel that way about your goodness.

• 54:48Speaker 04

  And that's why we're so beautiful together.

• 54:50Speaker 05

  That's why we're beautiful yin and yang.

• 54:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, no, that actually is so, is so true.

• 54:54Speaker 05

  Your little dart, your little dart of goodness is in there. And no matter how much scumbaggery you try to do, I see the little part of you that's just a sweet little boy from Baltimore.

• 55:04Speaker 04

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 55:05Speaker 05

  And inside of me, you see a scumbag.

• 55:07Speaker 04

  Similarly, there is a scumbag waiting to get out.

• 55:10Speaker 05

  You think so?

• 55:11Speaker 04

  Absolutely, and you, and by the way, I think you let him out every once in a while. I think you let him out in your most private moments, I think you do.

• 55:18Speaker 05

  That's really interesting, no one will ever know.

• 55:19Speaker 04

  I know, but I know.

• 55:20Speaker 05

  Some things are just for us, you know?

• 55:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

• 55:22Speaker 05

  That's really interesting, Stav.

• 55:23Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 55:24Speaker 05

  What a beautiful partnership we have.

• 55:25Speaker 04

  We do, it's the yin and yang. I'm, I'm really, I do want to get back to this idea that there's less tops than bottoms, though, that we started with.

• 55:32Speaker 05

  That sounds like something you'd want to get back to, yeah.

• 55:34Speaker 04

  How did that happen?

• 55:35Speaker 05

  Um.

• 55:37Speaker 04

  Do you know, like, that to me

• 55:39Speaker 05

  What, too many gay guy, I don't know.

• 55:41Speaker 04

  What, like, why don't more guys just give it a whirl? I've also cert, I've also felt like, does this happen, do you age into being a top? Because a couple of my friends have like gone from, like

• 55:54Speaker 05

  Me personally, yeah.

• 55:55Speaker 04

  Oh, really? So maybe this is part of the process. The cocoon, the gay cocoon.

• 56:00Speaker 05

  Yes, the gay cocoon that you can shake out of.

• 56:02Speaker 04

  You can shake out of, the bottom cocoon, first there's a straight to gay cocoon.

• 56:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:06Speaker 04

  And then you get out of that, then you're a bottom.

• 56:07Speaker 05

  A bottom to top cocoon.

• 56:09Speaker 04

  And then you fully get your wings. And then, yeah.

• 56:11Speaker 05

  And by the way, I know for a fact that eventually after you've bottom to top cocooned, there's a top to verse cocoon.

• 56:16Speaker 04

  Uh-huh.

• 56:17Speaker 05

  And you go, actually, I'm free to be whatever I want.

• 56:20Speaker 04

  What does this even fucking mean?

• 56:21Speaker 05

  What does it mean?

• 56:22Speaker 04

  What do these labels even mean?

• 56:23Speaker 05

  The strict adherence to these roles.

• 56:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, why are we recreating being straight?

• 56:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 56:28Speaker 04

  It's essentially what it is.

• 56:28Speaker 05

  What is it to be a topper or a bottom? How about I'm a human being?

• 56:31Speaker 04

  It's basic, it's so funny because it's like, it's basically one acts like a girl and one acts like a guy.

• 56:38Speaker 05

  I, I would be extremely careful.

• 56:40Speaker 04

  No, I know, but, but in the worst way, but what I'm saying is, that's what, that's what I don't understand about it.

• 56:46Speaker 05

  No, what you're actually saying is extremely advanced gay guy criticism of gay guys and coming from you, it's going to hit some people the wrong way?

• 56:53Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 56:53Speaker 05

  But you're right.

• 56:54Speaker 04

  My idea, but that's the thing, that's what I'm saying inside, this is the goodness shining through. People are having a hard time, this, coming from this mouth.

• 57:01Speaker 05

  They want to shoot the messenger.

• 57:02Speaker 04

  But I don't underst, like, truly, that's what I want to understand, it's like, wait, but every, every like thing you're describing just seems to one for one be recreating heterosexual

• 57:12Speaker 05

  A huge problem in the gay community is people recreating heterosexual dynamics and then mapping them onto queer. It's a huge criticism that I think a lot of especially like trans and gender queer people make about gay people. It's some, it's something they've tried to launch against me online, but they don't know me.

• 57:27Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 57:28Speaker 05

  But yeah, it's a huge criticism.

• 57:30Speaker 04

  Looking at me.

• 57:30Speaker 05

  You're here to serve.

• 57:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:32Speaker 05

  You're here to serve as the smoke grenade.

• 57:33Speaker 04

  I'm the sin eater for you.

• 57:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:35Speaker 04

  I'll take it all, dude. It's the meme with the fucking army guy and the sleeping child, I'm like

• 57:41Speaker 05

  I'm in the bassinet.

• 57:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:43Speaker 05

  And you're taking, like, what, they've got like arrows and also like

• 57:45Speaker 04

  A bunch of knives.

• 57:45Speaker 05

  Missiles. Yeah.

• 57:47Speaker 04

  Just do it to me, and watch Uncle Stav. You know what'll really piss me off if you're mad at me? Watching my special on Netflix.

• 57:52Speaker 05

  Don't watch Uncle Stav on Netflix. Don't do it. He'll love it, he's lying to you guys. It will only power him up.

• 57:59Speaker 04

  Whose side are you on? I'm lying, Caleb told me to say that stuff. I think everything gay guys do is right and beautiful.

• 58:04Speaker 05

  Stop, no. No, you're right, it is, it is really interesting. I think, um, top shortage, I don't know where the top shortage comes from.

• 58:11Speaker 04

  That's really fascinating to me.

• 58:12Speaker 05

  Lesbians are going through it as well.

• 58:13Speaker 04

  Really?

• 58:14Speaker 05

  Lesbians are going through it as well, they got a top shortage over there as well.

• 58:17Speaker 04

  I mean, we, that was running through my mind when you were talking about, how am I going to date a guy and we're hitting the buffet? I'm like, that is tough for other reasons you didn't mention.

• 58:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly, we're both hitting the buffet.

• 58:26Speaker 04

  I guess it's a lot of, I bet, I bet fat for fat relationships, a lot of sucking each other off.

• 58:31Speaker 05

  That's called side.

• 58:32Speaker 04

  Oh, really?

• 58:32Speaker 05

  There's a name for that, do you know that?

• 58:33Speaker 04

  Wait, just sucking you off is a thing?

• 58:35Speaker 05

  No, just, no anal, all oral, there's a name for it now in gay guys.

• 58:39Speaker 04

  All oral?

• 58:40Speaker 05

  Side. All oral all the time, baby, 24/7.

• 58:42Speaker 04

  There's no, there's no penetrative intercourse?

• 58:45Speaker 05

  All oral all the time, these are sides.

• 58:46Speaker 04

  That's crazy. That, to me, that's like going to a restaurant and only ordering sides.

• 58:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:51Speaker 04

  I don't want a meal just of macaroni and cheese. Give me a main dish of some hole to fuck.

• 58:55Speaker 05

  You've never had a meal of all sides and been thrilled?

• 58:58Speaker 04

  Okay, that's a good point, once in a while.

• 59:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 59:01Speaker 04

  But how many times am I going out for tapas?

• 59:03Speaker 05

  Not many.

• 59:03Speaker 04

  Not many, right?

• 59:04Speaker 05

  Not many.

• 59:05Speaker 04

  That's crazy to me that somebody doesn't fuck or get fucked.

• 59:08Speaker 05

  Gay guys getting into side stuff, because guess what? Who has the time to not eat all day and then

• 59:14Speaker 04

  Really?

• 59:14Speaker 05

  power wash your asshole?

• 59:16Speaker 04

  That does seem rude, God should create a third hole for gay guys.

• 59:20Speaker 05

  And he put the prostate in there.

• 59:21Speaker 04

  Or I guess a second, no, third. Yeah, yeah, put the prostate in the third hole.

• 59:25Speaker 05

  Why'd he put the fucking male pleasure center in the nasty place?

• 59:28Speaker 04

  Well, I think we know.

• 59:29Speaker 05

  I'm God, I don't do stuff like that.

• 59:31Speaker 04

  I think we know, he's kind of sending a message.

• 59:35Speaker 05

  Well, you know what's interesting? Okay, Stav? Hear me out, though.

• 59:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, go ahead.

• 59:45Speaker 05

  In youth group.

• 59:46Speaker 04

  Oh, that was part of the, that was like an actual point?

• 59:48Speaker 05

  No, but in youth group, they made a big deal about being like, they made a huge deal about, because they were so straight and not thinking about gay people and also they were so denying themselves their own pleasure. Our male youth pastors would be like, guys, we're not going to tell you sex doesn't feel good, okay?

• 1:00:02Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:00:02Speaker 05

  It does and it's supposed to. God wants you to feel good.

• 1:00:05Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:00:06Speaker 05

  Never accounted for the fact that it feels good to have stuff up there.

• 1:00:08Speaker 04

  To put some in your butt.

• 1:00:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:10Speaker 04

  And you know Road Trip? You ever see the movie Road Trip?

• 1:00:13Speaker 05

  Of course I saw the movie Road Trip.

• 1:00:13Speaker 04

  There's a big part of, I tried to, to put, I tried to find my, like, the button in my ass.

• 1:00:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:20Speaker 04

  Because a stifler nutted so hard. And I got to be honest, I didn't really care for it. But I was a 13-year-old, I think I put a candle up my ass, trying to do like the stifler move.

• 1:00:30Speaker 05

  I don't think it's completely fair to put a candle up your ass when you're 13 and then say you weren't really into it.

• 1:00:36Speaker 04

  A girl one time put a finger up my ass and I did, it, that was, she was being a little too hasty, I think, maybe.

• 1:00:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  So maybe I'll give it another run, but it would have to be like, I think it would have to be a nurse and it would have to be, it would have to be like Road Trip. I think I would need like a blonde nurse with her tits out.

• 1:00:55Speaker 05

  I would need to be a nurse!

• 1:00:57Speaker 04

  Putting a finger up my ass, I think I would have to start that way.

• 1:01:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:00Speaker 04

  And then open myself up to it, but I, I don't know, I don't know that I love the sensation. But I'm, I'm open, nurse, if a nurse knows what she's doing.

• 1:01:06Speaker 05

  Nurse?

• 1:01:07Speaker 04

  Well, she would have to know where the prostate is.

• 1:01:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:09Speaker 04

  I would need a professional.

• 1:01:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:11Speaker 04

  To like push the button, I don't want to be rooting around in there.

• 1:01:14Speaker 05

  There are plenty of professionals at that that are not nurses.

• 1:01:16Speaker 04

  That's a good point.

• 1:01:17Speaker 05

  By the way, there's actually a more, there's a more direct route to what you're asking for.

• 1:01:20Speaker 04

  Girls?

• 1:01:21Speaker 05

  A professional, oh, yeah.

• 1:01:22Speaker 04

  All right, all right.

• 1:01:23Speaker 05

  You think a sex, you think a sex worker wouldn't know how to get your shit off back there?

• 1:01:27Speaker 04

  That's a great point, that's a great point, all right.

• 1:01:28Speaker 05

  She would dial the fuck in.

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  You know, Christmas is coming up.

• 1:01:31Speaker 05

  You know, like in a heist movie, when they bring in the person to put the stethoscope on the thing and go

• 1:01:36Speaker 05

  That would be a sex worker dialing in on your prostate.

• 1:01:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, ear to my ass like a seashell.

• 1:01:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:45Speaker 05

  The door opens.

• 1:01:45Speaker 04

  Tapping my nuts. Tapping my nuts like, hmm.

• 1:01:53Speaker 04

  Alright, alright, maybe I'll check it out.

• 1:01:55Speaker 05

  When I sat up, I kicked up all kinds of dander. Did you see that?

• 1:01:58Speaker 04

  I didn't.

• 1:01:58Speaker 05

  It's gotta be coming up on the camera.

• 1:01:59Speaker 04

  I missed it.

• 1:02:00Speaker 05

  Oh, I want you to have that. I want you to have all kinds of happiness in your life. I see so many beautiful things for you.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  How about this?

• 1:02:06Speaker 05

  Tell me.

• 1:02:06Speaker 04

  I'll get somebody to put a finger up my ass if you do mushrooms in a meadow.

• 1:02:10Speaker 05

  Oh, I thought you were gonna say sleep with girls.

• 1:02:12Speaker 04

  No. No, we both have to open up our horizons.

• 1:02:16Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:02:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're as scared as that as I am. I think actually, this is actually a perfect one for one.

• 1:02:20Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:02:20Speaker 04

  Because there's something, in my case, probably-

• 1:02:23Speaker 05

  You're worried you're gonna unlock something you can't undo.

• 1:02:25Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:02:25Speaker 05

  Wow, wow, stop.

• 1:02:27Speaker 04

  You're worried about your brain, I'm worried about my ass.

• 1:02:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:32Speaker 05

  She finds a polyp.

• 1:02:33Speaker 04

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:02:37Speaker 04

  Caleb, thank you, you saved my life.

• 1:02:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, so, I don't know, my gay friend was like, you should be doing butt stuff and I paid a nurse to get in there and just thank God we found it early because if my gay friend hadn't been so pushy about that, I'd be six feet under in a pine box right now.

• 1:02:55Speaker 04

  That's right, that's right. That's beautiful, man, and maybe, you know, maybe-

• 1:02:58Speaker 05

  No, but get checked. You should be getting checked.

• 1:03:00Speaker 04

  I will, yeah, I literally-

• 1:03:02Speaker 05

  Hey, all jokes aside.

• 1:03:02Speaker 04

  Hey, all jokes aside.

• 1:03:03Speaker 05

  You got a prostate exam?

• 1:03:04Speaker 04

  At that age, you know?

• 1:03:06Speaker 05

  Cause you're getting up there.

• 1:03:07Speaker 04

  I am.

• 1:03:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, so I want you to be careful.

• 1:03:08Speaker 04

  These have been tough years.

• 1:03:10Speaker 05

  Well, it's a lot of processed meats, I know that.

• 1:03:11Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 05

  And I know, and same here.

• 1:03:13Speaker 04

  A lot of that.

• 1:03:13Speaker 05

  I wanna get one. I asked my primary care doctor if he would refer me for a prostate exam and he was like, huh, at 31, what do you think for? And I was like, oh, fear and anxiety, and I wanna know. And he was like, okay.

• 1:03:26Speaker 04

  Interesting.

• 1:03:27Speaker 05

  Which was cool of him.

• 1:03:27Speaker 04

  And he did, and you're all clean?

• 1:03:29Speaker 05

  I haven't done it yet. I'm scared to get it.

• 1:03:31Speaker 04

  Huh.

• 1:03:32Speaker 05

  I don't, like I said, I don't want people up there.

• 1:03:33Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 1:03:34Speaker 05

  Seems like work. I know that you know what it is. This is a big problem, this is a big fat guy answer.

• 1:03:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:40Speaker 05

  I think you can't eat for like a day. And I'm trying to find a day when it'd be good for me to not eat.

• 1:03:44Speaker 04

  That's annoying, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:45Speaker 05

  A whole day I can't eat?

• 1:03:46Speaker 04

  Whole day's tough. Whole day is tough.

• 1:03:48Speaker 05

  You need to drink some shit liquid?

• 1:03:49Speaker 04

  You have to drink some shit liquid, you have to shit a bunch.

• 1:03:51Speaker 05

  I'm like, when do I have the, when, when?

• 1:03:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:53Speaker 05

  But I wanna do it.

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Okay. Alright, well, maybe I'll do it too. We'll come, next time I'm on, we'll read our, we'll read our-

• 1:04:00Speaker 05

  Do you know what'd be really fun?

• 1:04:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:01Speaker 05

  Stop. We've been talking about going on a writer's retreat. Let's go on a retreat where we take a little mushrooms.

• 1:04:08Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:04:09Speaker 05

  Don't eat for a day, drink the shit liquid.

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  Drink the shit liquid.

• 1:04:12Speaker 05

  Get prostate exams.

• 1:04:13Speaker 04

  Yup.

• 1:04:13Speaker 05

  And when you're coming out of your prostate exam, maybe they fuck around with your-

• 1:04:16Speaker 04

  When I'm clean.

• 1:04:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're cleaned up.

• 1:04:18Speaker 04

  When I'm ready to go.

• 1:04:19Speaker 05

  You're cleaned up.

• 1:04:20Speaker 04

  Yup.

• 1:04:20Speaker 05

  We ask one of those nurses, hey.

• 1:04:23Speaker 04

  Wait, we ask a nurse at the hospital?

• 1:04:25Speaker 05

  You don't think so?

• 1:04:25Speaker 04

  I think we, I think we go back to your sex worker idea.

• 1:04:28Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:04:28Speaker 04

  And we get a sex worker to dress like a nurse.

• 1:04:30Speaker 05

  We get a sex worker who's dressed like a nurse.

• 1:04:31Speaker 04

  Dressed like a nurse.

• 1:04:32Speaker 05

  And I go-

• 1:04:33Speaker 04

  And you can be there, you can't, whatever you wanna do.

• 1:04:34Speaker 05

  I would like to meet her.

• 1:04:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:37Speaker 04

  Maybe we have one of those like, like giving birth, uh, like curtains.

• 1:04:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:41Speaker 04

  And I'm just, you're holding my hand?

• 1:04:50Speaker 05

  I'm like, you're doing so good. You're doing so good, buddy.

• 1:04:55Speaker 05

  And then afterwards, we go to the fucking local Chinese buffet.

• 1:04:57Speaker 04

  And then we fill back up.

• 1:04:58Speaker 05

  Meet you in the nurse.

• 1:04:59Speaker 04

  I love that. That sounds awesome.

• 1:05:01Speaker 05

  She comes to the Chinese buffet.

• 1:05:02Speaker 04

  I would love that.

• 1:05:02Speaker 05

  For a job well done.

• 1:05:04Speaker 04

  I think absolutely.

• 1:05:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:05Speaker 04

  I would love to do that, yeah.

• 1:05:07Speaker 05

  And she can change into street clothes before the buffet she wants.

• 1:05:09Speaker 04

  She doesn't have to dress as like a nurse.

• 1:05:11Speaker 05

  She doesn't have to go as the nurse.

• 1:05:11Speaker 04

  No, in fact, I'd prefer, it'd be a little, what does she, what does she dress like when she's off? I'd like to see.

• 1:05:17Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, let's just see what her day to day is like.

• 1:05:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, and then we get to know her, we've made a new friend.

• 1:05:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:21Speaker 04

  You know, I love this idea.

• 1:05:23Speaker 05

  We become really close with her?

• 1:05:24Speaker 04

  Hopefully.

• 1:05:25Speaker 05

  Fuck, and we all hang out a lot. We have her eventually on the podcast. She comes on yours, mine.

• 1:05:29Speaker 04

  That's how we have a child. We put, we put jizz in like a Russian roulette thing.

• 1:05:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:33Speaker 04

  And she picks one, and we don't know who's who, and we probably wouldn't be able to tell facially.

• 1:05:37Speaker 05

  We'd find out in like five to seven years of the kid being alive.

• 1:05:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:42Speaker 05

  Don't you think around five or seven, the kid would make it known if it was yours or mine?

• 1:05:45Speaker 04

  See, I think, I think it's the, possibly, but I think like 50% of the outcomes, we'll never be able to tell.

• 1:05:53Speaker 05

  You're telling me that kid's precocious and you don't assume it's mine?

• 1:05:56Speaker 04

  You don't think I was precocious?

• 1:05:57Speaker 05

  You were precocious?

• 1:05:58Speaker 04

  I was very precocious.

• 1:05:59Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:06:00Speaker 04

  Yeah. I had to fight many of my precocious, uh, desires because I, again, was trying to put myself into-

• 1:06:07Speaker 05

  It's the little good inside you that hides.

• 1:06:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's the little good.

• 1:06:09Speaker 05

  You had to hide the little good.

• 1:06:10Speaker 04

  I had to hide the little good. I had to pretend I liked death metal. I had to pretend, you know, I mean, I didn't have to pretend I liked doing drugs. But starting to do drugs was a little scary.

• 1:06:18Speaker 05

  And I had to pretend I wasn't gay to present precocious.

• 1:06:20Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:06:21Speaker 05

  And that was my little deviance.

• 1:06:22Speaker 04

  Instead of just gay, is that what you mean?

• 1:06:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:24Speaker 04

  Precocious, but is that true? Yeah, gay kids have actually a leg up on being precocious.

• 1:06:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:29Speaker 04

  Because basically, it's just being gay.

• 1:06:31Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:06:37Speaker 04

  What does precocious mean? Maybe I'm being very offensive here. Can we pull it up?

• 1:06:41Speaker 05

  I don't think you're being offensive at all. It's like proper. Precocious is like-

• 1:06:45Speaker 04

  I thought it was like-

• 1:06:45Speaker 05

  Well behaved, and like within the boundaries.

• 1:06:48Speaker 04

  Oh, I thought it meant the opposite.

• 1:06:50Speaker 05

  Let's pull up the technical definition.

• 1:06:51Speaker 04

  I thought it was like being a little devil.

• 1:06:52Speaker 05

  Oh, you thought it was ornery?

• 1:06:53Speaker 04

  I thought it was being like kinda ornery and like kinda-

• 1:06:55Speaker 05

  Showing mental development skills, maturity much earlier than usual.

• 1:06:58Speaker 04

  I was precocious, actually.

• 1:07:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, but were you also, you were ornery, that's what you thought?

• 1:07:02Speaker 04

  Well, I was just, I was a little stinker too.

• 1:07:05Speaker 05

  Well, also, why does ornery, why is it pronounced onri?

• 1:07:08Speaker 04

  Onri?

• 1:07:08Speaker 05

  Is that just where I'm from? I think it's onri.

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, how about we buy some of this beachfront property, I'll make it an onri.

• 1:07:15Speaker 05

  Put a Costco up in them hills.

• 1:07:16Speaker 04

  Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal.

• 1:07:19Speaker 05

  It's worker owned, you see.

• 1:07:21Speaker 04

  We don't need that Turtle Reservation. We need a Texas Roadhouse here.

• 1:07:25Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 1:07:28Speaker 05

  You just ignited me.

• 1:07:31Speaker 05

  You just ignited me. The way I was at a Texas Roadhouse one week ago.

• 1:07:35Speaker 04

  Hell, yeah, dude.

• 1:07:36Speaker 05

  Oh, my God, that place fucking rocks.

• 1:07:38Speaker 04

  I'm a Chili's guy in terms of that type of-

• 1:07:40Speaker 05

  There's no need to choose.

• 1:07:41Speaker 04

  I think on-

• 1:07:43Speaker 05

  You eventually cocoon from top to verse.

• 1:07:45Speaker 04

  To verse, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:46Speaker 05

  You eventually cocoon from a Chili's guy to a Texas Roadhouse and Chili's guy.

• 1:07:50Speaker 04

  Okay, okay.

• 1:07:51Speaker 05

  Well, you become open hearted.

• 1:07:52Speaker 04

  That's being fat versus Chili's and Texas Roadhouse.

• 1:07:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:55Speaker 04

  I'll do both.

• 1:07:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 05

  Do both. And when you, when you don't get to go that often, you become a kinda guy who, whichever one I come across.

• 1:08:01Speaker 04

  I will say Chili's and Outback Steakhouse were my big ones.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  Can I tell you something beautiful that happened to me?

• 1:08:06Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:06Speaker 05

  I told my friends in LA, meet me at the beach at sunset. I'm gonna be swimming, swim with me.

• 1:08:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:12Speaker 05

  We did that.

• 1:08:12Speaker 04

  Love that.

• 1:08:13Speaker 05

  Swim for two hours at sunset. I told you about those.

• 1:08:15Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 1:08:15Speaker 05

  Got out of the water, we're hungry.

• 1:08:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:17Speaker 05

  Guess what? We're a 30 minute drive from the Chili's. I say, everybody dry off and get in the car, we're going to Chili's. We go to Chili's, dude. We take down a triple dipper, some chips and salsa. I go home, I have the craziest heartburn in my life.

• 1:08:31Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 1:08:31Speaker 05

  It's hard to get to sleep, I'm in pretty much pain.

• 1:08:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:34Speaker 05

  Can't do shit like that anymore.

• 1:08:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:35Speaker 05

  And I smiled with my heartburn.

• 1:08:37Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:38Speaker 05

  I did this.

• 1:08:39Speaker 04

  That's like an old friend. Chili's heartburn is an old friend.

• 1:08:42Speaker 05

  Well, I used to do that every night of the week.

• 1:08:47Speaker 05

  Now I do it once a year and I smile while I struggle to sleep.

• 1:08:50Speaker 04

  Salute.

• 1:08:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's beautiful.

• 1:08:52Speaker 04

  And that's, and that's when I say the drugs come in, you take so many drugs, you don't even know you have heartburn, you pass out.

• 1:08:57Speaker 05

  Drugs are getting you off of heartburn.

• 1:09:00Speaker 04

  Yeah. Oh, my back pain, I don't feel any of it because I'm floating every night.

• 1:09:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:04Speaker 04

  Every night, I'm like-

• 1:09:05Speaker 05

  I guess on 200 milligrams of weed, you would be.

• 1:09:07Speaker 04

  Well, I said, I said, we're down to 70-ish right now.

• 1:09:10Speaker 05

  That's crazy. I took two milligrams at the, at the concert.

• 1:09:13Speaker 04

  At the Jack Johnson concert.

• 1:09:14Speaker 05

  And I felt, I wouldn't say I felt stoned, but I felt nice.

• 1:09:17Speaker 04

  Yeah. I'll get back there. Once I'm done with everything, I'm gonna go sober again. I'm gonna get into the zone again, but, you know, I have a beautiful fall.

• 1:09:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:26Speaker 04

  A beautiful autumn, sober, in sweaters, searching for my wife, you know? Doing mushrooms with you, getting stuff up my ass. It's gonna be, I have a nice October, November planned right now.

• 1:09:37Speaker 05

  I'm so scared because the last time we had a beautiful conversation, we hung out a couple months ago and we had this beautiful conversation about you settling down.

• 1:09:45Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:45Speaker 05

  And you said, you know, I really think it's coming up. I think I'm gonna, I think I'm headed that way. I'm kinda done with my messing around ways.

• 1:09:51Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:51Speaker 05

  And I left that conversation with a smile on my face saying, my boy, he's, he's on the, he's on the straight and narrow.

• 1:09:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:56Speaker 05

  And you text me the next morning and you said, hey, brother, bad news. That hot Asian chick with the big tits came over last night.

• 1:10:05Speaker 04

  I'm back, and I think I was like, I'm back. I was like, fuck that. It's actually awesome to fuck hot girls.

• 1:10:11Speaker 05

  Aw, damn it.

• 1:10:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, that is true.

• 1:10:13Speaker 05

  And that's why fear's gonna happen this fall. I'm gonna be expecting you to be at a pumpkin patch with a beautiful young woman

• 1:10:17Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:10:18Speaker 05

  in like a ankle length skirt and a cardigan.

• 1:10:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:10:21Speaker 05

  And then you're gonna bring her, like Bottle Girls to my dinner or something. I'm gonna be so sad.

• 1:10:26Speaker 04

  Wow, someone's being classist.

• 1:10:28Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:10:28Speaker 04

  The bottle girl, the hardworking bottle girl.

• 1:10:31Speaker 05

  That's what I want you to take from this.

• 1:10:32Speaker 04

  Doesn't deserve love, according to Caleb.

• 1:10:35Speaker 05

  Chance, cut everything from floor length skirt through classism. It's my show, bitch. Chance, cut it all.

• 1:10:41Speaker 04

  It stays Chance. Um, I've been recording this whole time, it's been live streaming, so we can't cut anything.

• 1:10:47Speaker 05

  The room and ask Chance to come to one of us?

• 1:10:50Speaker 05

  Chance, pick Chance!

• 1:10:51Speaker 04

  Chance.

• 1:10:52Speaker 05

  He would have a hard time.

• 1:10:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, I get that.

• 1:10:54Speaker 05

  He wishes he works for, I will tell you one thing. Chance wishes he worked for you.

• 1:10:57Speaker 04

  The luckiest man on earth is Eldis.

• 1:10:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:00Speaker 04

  Eldis lucked into the best job of all time because his friend got accidentally famous.

• 1:11:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:06Speaker 04

  And so, yes, I get that. I, I, you know, Chance, you're doing good here, but you know, Eldis unfortunately has, he does have to do more work, but he has a better life.

• 1:11:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, he does.

• 1:11:18Speaker 05

  I don't know if he has a better life. I don't know if I would go that far.

• 1:11:20Speaker 04

  I think so, unfortunately.

• 1:11:21Speaker 05

  Chance gets treated pretty well here. He doesn't get hit.

• 1:11:24Speaker 04

  Look, I, do I abuse Eldis verbally? Yes. But again, he's, it's the easiest job. I mean, not the easiest, but he just, he's fine.

• 1:11:33Speaker 05

  You and Chance-

• 1:11:34Speaker 04

  He gets to smoke weed with his best friend forever.

• 1:11:35Speaker 05

  You and Chance actually wouldn't be a great pair because Chance is extremely sensitive. He's a sweet boy.

• 1:11:40Speaker 04

  No, totally. Eldis, to his credit, it's like a pack, he's like a pack mule.

• 1:11:44Speaker 05

  I know, I've said some stuff to Eldis, but I'm like, I can't believe you didn't react to that.

• 1:11:47Speaker 04

  Doesn't faze him, and he just, give him a target, he'll go. He'll go poorly.

• 1:11:54Speaker 04

  He won't make any, like, decisions on his own.

• 1:11:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:57Speaker 04

  Don't, don't expect him to, to, like, if you told him like, hey, Eldis, walk there, and the door's locked, he would just, like a fucking video game character, he'd be like, something's wrong with the door. Right? You'd have to unlock the door, but, you know, he's got a great, he's got, he's got it all set up.

• 1:12:15Speaker 05

  Press A three times, god damn it. Press A.

• 1:12:20Speaker 04

  No, I get that. I get that.

• 1:12:23Speaker 05

  No chance would be happier with you, I think, but he would be in pain as well because he would be hurt. His feelings would get hurt.

• 1:12:28Speaker 04

  It's true.

• 1:12:29Speaker 05

  I'm pretty good to chance.

• 1:12:30Speaker 04

  No, no, I am pretty ruthless to Eldis. It's true. But I'm only, but I'm only like that cuz we have that kind of relationship. He's truly my best friend. We've known each other since kindergarten. And to the flip side is he can also, it's awesome having him around cuz there's no way to start acting like a fucking big shot when you're, this guy's known you since you were like literally five years old.

• 1:12:52Speaker 05

  Right.

• 1:12:53Speaker 04

  You know, it's like, I actually like being kept honest with like my closest friends around me cuz like I don't, this shit creeps into you.

• 1:13:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:01Speaker 04

  People treat, when you start acting, they treat you so way better than they deserve, than actors deserve.

• 1:13:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Speaker 04

  And it's only because they're so unreliable. What you, like, everybody has like, someone's assigned to you and you think like, oh, that's like my, you know, if you're a piece of shit, you're like, well, that's my personal butler. I can get to do anything I want. Really what it is is they don't trust you to be there when they need you to be there. So some twenty year old kid's job is to like be your handler essentially.

• 1:13:27Speaker 05

  So what it turns out to be if you're responsible is kind of annoying.

• 1:13:29Speaker 04

  Annoying, yeah.

• 1:13:30Speaker 05

  Like it's their, it's their job to come around and knock on your door fifty, I've, I've told PAs that have worked, like, there are the set PAs on movies where I'm like, I know what you deal with. I love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do not knock on my door thirty minutes before you need me.

• 1:13:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:42Speaker 05

  I will be ready on time.

• 1:13:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  Just cuz that's the thing that drives me crazy is I'm like, when, when I'm getting the this guy won't show up treatment, I'm like, I promise you, I'm gonna come when you ask.

• 1:13:51Speaker 04

  But if you're dumb, you could think the, you could think that's pampering.

• 1:13:55Speaker 05

  Right.

• 1:13:55Speaker 04

  Right? There's a lot of things that happen with, that trick you into thinking you're more important than you are.

• 1:13:59Speaker 05

  Right.

• 1:13:59Speaker 04

  When you start getting a little success. And I like that my dumb, I like that my dumb friend is responsible for some, like, essentially Eldis, an idiot, is in charge of a multimillion dollar entertainment company.

• 1:14:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:14Speaker 04

  Right? That's funny to me.

• 1:14:15Speaker 05

  He's a CEO.

• 1:14:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:17Speaker 05

  He's a she-FO.

• 1:14:18Speaker 04

  That's, that's, and that's how I want my business run. I don't want it efficient. And I want the CEO to, to tell me, I'm being a fucking idiot.

• 1:14:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:25Speaker 04

  I want when I'm like, I'm like, like, there, there was one specific time where I was like, trying to, trying on a shirt for not this special, the last special. And I was like, hey, this shirt kind of fits. Didn't fit at all. I was completely in denial at how much, how fucking, how hard I had hit the ribs.

• 1:14:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:39Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? Leading up to the special. And I'd picked the shirt out and I was like, yeah, I could kind of do that. And he's like, yeah, I'm sure you could. And then he like starts poking my fat, he starts poking the fat coming between the buttons.

• 1:14:50Speaker 05

  Marker being like, oh, sure. He sits you on a washing machine.

• 1:14:55Speaker 04

  He's giving the, the sorority girl hazing treatment, basically, like, all my imperfections. I like that my best friend can just be like, shut up.

• 1:15:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:03Speaker 04

  You know, like, I like that he can talk to me that way. Whereas like, if I just, you know, if I just hired a competent person, it would never happen that way.

• 1:15:10Speaker 05

  I've never hired a competent person in my life.

• 1:15:12Speaker 04

  It's the best. Yeah.

• 1:15:16Speaker 04

  It's, I, we hired the first competent person who actually was a PA on the movie I worked with, Kyla. We hired her, like, I hired her as my assistant. And it actually is crazy to have somebody that's good at her job work for me. I'm like, I'm like, huh? You did the thing I mentioned offhand but didn't double and triple check with you to do? She's like, yeah, it's my fucking job. I was like, I almost started fucking crying.

• 1:15:38Speaker 04

  She really is like the, like, hiring one competent person, it's like, it's like Eldis looking, looking at her is like the dinosaurs looking at the meteor.

• 1:15:47Speaker 04

  He should be fucking scared. He should be fucking scared right now.

• 1:15:52Speaker 05

  Oh, shit. Oh, Stav. What else do you want to talk about? What's going on with you? What do you want, what do you want to know about? What do you need to, what do you need to get off your chest? You know what I was thinking about the other day?

• 1:16:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:16:01Speaker 05

  Was you, how, how nice it is, how nice it would be to have you back here after I've seen you on all these places you don't belong.

• 1:16:08Speaker 04

  Ditto.

• 1:16:08Speaker 05

  I see you on these, I see you on these fucking late night talk shows and New York Times podcasts and I go, bring my boy home.

• 1:16:16Speaker 04

  I need to be here, man. I need to be here pontificating on the top shortage.

• 1:16:20Speaker 05

  Get him in the So Trudio talking about, I don't, his G-spot or whatever. I can't believe they, they're asking about, they're asking about the manosphere on the New York Times podcast.

• 1:16:30Speaker 04

  I know. It is so sad how fucking bad culture is right now, where it's like, I'm a guy they ask about politics. It's like, why aren't we asking, can you ask me about my art? The jokes about busting fast, please? I crafted these jokes about busting quickly for years.

• 1:16:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:16:46Speaker 04

  And not, nary a mention of them.

• 1:16:49Speaker 05

  And instead they're being like, um, so, um, you know, the Rogan sphere and it's like, jeez.

• 1:16:54Speaker 04

  Come on, man. Shut the fuck up. I don't care.

• 1:16:56Speaker 05

  You are doing it.

• 1:16:57Speaker 04

  I know, I know. But, you know, I don't, I'm not, uh, I'm not a role model. Please do not look at me for anything. Simply watch the special. That's all I ask.

• 1:17:07Speaker 05

  If we have a message today.

• 1:17:08Speaker 04

  If we have a message, I'm a piece of shit. Don't fucking listen to shit. But put on the, the special for an hour.

• 1:17:14Speaker 05

  I want Uncle Stav.

• 1:17:15Speaker 04

  Don't want Uncle Stav.

• 1:17:16Speaker 05

  He gets backend points for every view.

• 1:17:18Speaker 04

  I do, yeah, yeah. Caleb's getting a couple of points on the backend. He doesn't notice. Yeah, yeah. No, I get, I just need it to go well. But yeah, I don't know, dude. I'm just, uh, I, it's so funny cuz it's, it is tough cuz now I'm, I have to talk about shit so much and I have nothing to say. I'm so, like, my brain is so empty. All I want to do is get fucking high, stumble into movie theater, watch him fucking, I watched Camp Miasma, great, had a great time. Slasher, you know what I mean? Very, uh, they're a great filmmaker, uh, how do you say it? Schoenberg, Jane.

• 1:17:53Speaker 05

  Jane.

• 1:17:53Speaker 04

  Jane. So imaginative. So I, I did like a classic New York thing where I was like, I have no plan. I'm gonna walk. Saw that they were showing Camp Miasma. I was like, great, I'm fucking stoned as fuck. Get in there, watch it, have a good time. That's all, and then I went home immediately. I was like, fuck, that was an interesting ass movie. I want to see how this filmmaker got there. Immediately watched, uh, I saw the TV Glow. I hadn't seen it yet. I love doing shit like that where there's no plan and you just stumble into a day and then you get dinner with a friend who saw it. You talk about the fucking, have ramen, say what you like, what you didn't like.

• 1:18:25Speaker 05

  And by the way, Jane in that film, uh, for Not a Fat Person, made one of the fattest directorial choices I've ever seen.

• 1:18:30Speaker 04

  The KFC.

• 1:18:31Speaker 05

  The homage to dipping sauce.

• 1:18:33Speaker 04

  The dipping sauce is incredible. And how, how clearly, how clearly the characters' sexual desires were sublimated through the dipping.

• 1:18:41Speaker 05

  Come on.

• 1:18:41Speaker 04

  And the way they each ate was the way they fuck.

• 1:18:44Speaker 05

  Hannah Einbinder reacting to a platter of KFC.

• 1:18:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I can't, we gotta chill. Like, uh, there's certain stuff I can't, I don't want to be in public talking about.

• 1:18:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, no worries.

• 1:18:54Speaker 04

  Hot girls talking, getting horny about KFC.

• 1:18:56Speaker 05

  Hey.

• 1:18:56Speaker 04

  That's a tough one for me to be on record about.

• 1:18:59Speaker 05

  Come on. Well, you were so on a roll there. I thought we were in a safe zone.

• 1:19:02Speaker 04

  Thank God they didn't put bare titties plus KFC in the same scene. That's all I gotta say.

• 1:19:07Speaker 05

  I struggled to think of what might have happened in that theater.

• 1:19:09Speaker 04

  That would have been really tough for me. I would have had to leave the theater immediately.

• 1:19:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, instead it was, it was chicken, a bunch of murder.

• 1:19:16Speaker 04

  They gave me a nice, they gave me a nice murder break.

• 1:19:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:19Speaker 04

  For my dick to get less hard.

• 1:19:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, from the KFC.

• 1:19:22Speaker 04

  After seeing two beautiful women destroy KFC. I mean, again, shout out, yeah, Jane really created a, a movie that works for many different types of people on many different horny levels. Beautiful, beautifully done.

• 1:19:34Speaker 05

  It reached both of our desks. That's an accomplishment in cinema.

• 1:19:37Speaker 04

  It really did.

• 1:19:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:38Speaker 04

  And, and also, but anyway, that's the type of shit I want to do. I actually, I am a completely empty vessel right now. I have poured everything into Uncle Stav, the standup special. I actually have nothing to say. I have no desires. All I want is, is to just have experiences like that. Start, start back from the building block. Fried chicken, titties, and kind of go from there.

• 1:19:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:58Speaker 04

  The two, two of them.

• 1:19:59Speaker 05

  Fucking basics.

• 1:20:00Speaker 04

  To me, the food pyramid, the food pyramid to me, fried chicken and titties is the longest one.

• 1:20:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:05Speaker 04

  And then everything, and then vegetables at the very top.

• 1:20:07Speaker 05

  Yeah. If you get those every day and, and some days you make it to vegetables and water.

• 1:20:13Speaker 04

  Right, right.

• 1:20:13Speaker 05

  Good.

• 1:20:14Speaker 04

  Yes, yes, yes, yes. Water, water's like here.

• 1:20:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 04

  Water's like in the second one, but titties, fried chicken, desserts, breakfast cereals, water, vegetables.

• 1:20:24Speaker 05

  Cereals.

• 1:20:24Speaker 04

  Yeah. I love, that's a, that's a big treat for me is just crushing breakfast cereal sometimes. Like the sweet ones you weren't allowed to have as a little kid.

• 1:20:32Speaker 05

  You're going in on those.

• 1:20:33Speaker 04

  And sometimes I like to get mixtures going.

• 1:20:35Speaker 05

  I'm actually pissed because I've been trying not to do so many, I, I, I've gotten to, there's something about my age or my body that if I have sweets after a certain hour, I get heartburn before bed. And so I don't keep sweets in the house anymore. And this is what I'm saying by losing weight being an accident where it's like, I'm not trying to get thin. I'm just doing things.

• 1:20:52Speaker 04

  Your body's attacking you finally.

• 1:20:53Speaker 05

  Hello?

• 1:20:53Speaker 04

  Your body's taking the, the matters into its own hands.

• 1:20:55Speaker 05

  And saying, hey, we're gonna make it impossible for you to enjoy your lifestyle.

• 1:20:59Speaker 04

  That's what happened when I fucking lost my tooth. This tooth, like, I could, my body was basically like, all right, man. Cuz what happened was something called tooth resorption, which is your body starts absorbing the tooth and like just eats the tooth. And I think what happened is my body was like, all right, well, he's not gonna stop eating, so.

• 1:21:16Speaker 05

  We're taking shit back.

• 1:21:17Speaker 04

  Let's take his teeth.

• 1:21:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:21:18Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? Like, and I think your body's doing that with heartburn and sweets. It's like, fuck it. Every time you see, every time you see a Twizzler, fucking shoot up that, give him the Chili's treatment.

• 1:21:27Speaker 05

  Pain.

• 1:21:28Speaker 04

  Give him the triple dipper treatment every time you see.

• 1:21:30Speaker 05

  There's just a dispatcher going, send pain.

• 1:21:33Speaker 05

  He, he's eyeing a cosmic brownie at eleven PM. Send pain.

• 1:21:36Speaker 04

  They should let us do fat, um, what's the movie where they have all the elemental? No.

• 1:21:42Speaker 05

  Fucking, um, Osmosis Jones?

• 1:21:44Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 1:21:45Speaker 05

  Oh, shit.

• 1:21:45Speaker 04

  No, but it is a similar idea. Inside out.

• 1:21:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:21:48Speaker 04

  We should do fat inside out.

• 1:21:49Speaker 05

  We should do fat inside out for sure.

• 1:21:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:51Speaker 05

  My point was I had a fat friend staying at my house and she left. And when I got home, there was fucking fat people food in the cabinets again. This fat bitch.

• 1:22:02Speaker 05

  This fat, ungrateful bitch left cocoa pebbles in my cabinets?

• 1:22:05Speaker 04

  That fucki- that whore left her trough full.

• 1:22:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came home stoned from the bar and saw them and I was like, "No."

• 1:22:13Speaker 04

  Oh my god. If I had seen that, I would have started ascending like the whale at the end. I would have been like, "Ohhh." It was like, I'd hear the Halo music. I'm like, "Yes."

• 1:22:22Speaker 05

  It was truly like if I was depressed and she left like a loaded gun in the cabinet.

• 1:22:27Speaker 04

  Just in case.

• 1:22:28Speaker 05

  Just in case. I didn't use it, but you could. I was like, "You even cocoa pebbles in my cabinet?"

• 1:22:35Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 1:22:35Speaker 05

  You thoughtless.

• 1:22:36Speaker 04

  Here's what I love to do. Cocoa Pebble base. Then we need like cocoa pebbles. No, cocoa Pebbles, that's the sprinkles, basically, right? The base would be like a honey checks.

• 1:22:46Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:22:47Speaker 04

  He wants something with a little, or you could go like a Cheerios variant.

• 1:22:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:22:52Speaker 04

  Right? Like some- something that feels healthy, right? Uh, apple Cheerios, cinnamon, cinnamon, uh, Life cereal. Just something that has a little bite to it, too, you know? And then you wanna go with, you wanna go with something that's more, uh, like a, like, a little more panache, right? Uh, cocoa, not a cocoa pebble, but a cocoa puff. This is where, this is, the second layer is the puff layer.

• 1:23:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:23:18Speaker 04

  Right?

• 1:23:19Speaker 05

  Top Crunch with a little marshmallow.

• 1:23:20Speaker 04

  I mean, I don't even have to explain it. You fucking get it immediately. And then you, we finish off with a flaky, with a fruity pebble, with a cocoa pebble.

• 1:23:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:23:27Speaker 04

  With maybe even like some, or you know what sometimes can be a good base? Special K with chocolate in it.

• 1:23:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:23:33Speaker 04

  You know, some of that. But we ended, we end flaky, we go puff, and then we have a bit, I love creating that.

• 1:23:38Speaker 05

  Can I just say that if you're doing the Special K with the chocolate, that you mix it with Reese's Puffs?

• 1:23:41Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:23:42Speaker 05

  Would that fucking kill you right away?

• 1:23:44Speaker 04

  And then you throw the cocoa fucking pebbles up top.

• 1:23:47Speaker 05

  Hello?

• 1:23:47Speaker 04

  Are you fucking ki- that's beautiful, man.

• 1:23:49Speaker 05

  Milk, milk, milk, big. Not, and not the good, not the good-for-you kind without the lactose or any of that shit. Full-fat, regular milk from a cow.

• 1:23:57Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 1:23:57Speaker 05

  This morning.

• 1:23:58Speaker 04

  And here's what I like to do. Let it fucking simmer a little bit.

• 1:24:01Speaker 05

  What's that?

• 1:24:01Speaker 04

  Let it soften a little bit.

• 1:24:02Speaker 05

  You're getting it mushy?

• 1:24:03Speaker 04

  I'd le- just, but here's the thing. Just to the point where it still has bite. You can't let it over-mush.

• 1:24:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:24:10Speaker 04

  It's a very specific, it's a very specific time.

• 1:24:13Speaker 05

  It's a timeframe.

• 1:24:14Speaker 04

  It's a dance. You have to dance.

• 1:24:15Speaker 05

  I fucked up the other day. I was, I was making bacon.

• 1:24:18Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:24:18Speaker 05

  And it wa- it ended up taking longer than I thought it would, and I'd already poured the milk in the cereal. So by the time the bacon finished, the cereal had become mush.

• 1:24:26Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 1:24:26Speaker 05

  Into mush.

• 1:24:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:24:28Speaker 05

  And, uh, it was really, really not good for me.

• 1:24:30Speaker 04

  That's brutal. I'd still take the cereal down. I'd still figure it out.

• 1:24:32Speaker 05

  I did it.

• 1:24:35Speaker 05

  I did it. It was just a bowl of Special K.

• 1:24:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I see, I see.

• 1:24:40Speaker 05

  That's another thing now, is I try to make my treats like, I go, "Oh, it's Special K. You don't have to be, you don't have to feel bad about this."

• 1:24:45Speaker 04

  Special K is a treat?

• 1:24:47Speaker 05

  Doesn't give me heartburn. It was breakfast. It wasn't a treat. It was pre- it was like the fundamental meal of my day.

• 1:24:52Speaker 04

  To me, cereal is a fake, it's not a breakfast food. It's a treat.

• 1:24:55Speaker 05

  Well, that's because you're eating fucking cocoa pebbles.

• 1:24:56Speaker 04

  No, no. I think big cereal has fucking ruined your mind. At no point should-

• 1:25:01Speaker 05

  You think big cereal's ruined my mind?

• 1:25:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:25:03Speaker 05

  You don't know shit about my mind.

• 1:25:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do, I really do. I think you have fallen into the paradigm where they say this shit is healthy. Grains with milk is never healthy.

• 1:25:13Speaker 05

  Special K is not too bad for you, I don't think.

• 1:25:15Speaker 04

  Go fuck out of here with Special K.

• 1:25:16Speaker 05

  I don't think it's too bad with some turkey bacon. You can't tell me that's not a balanced breakfast.

• 1:25:20Speaker 04

  Have toast.

• 1:25:21Speaker 05

  I have toast. I have toast with bananas. I have turkey bacon. On this day, I had a little bowl of cereal and I have some, uh, low-acid, no pulp orange juice. And ask me why it has to be low-acid, Stav.

• 1:25:30Speaker 04

  Heartburn.

• 1:25:31Speaker 05

  Because of my fucking heartburn.

• 1:25:32Speaker 04

  Heartburn.

• 1:25:33Speaker 05

  I'm sick. I'm 31 years old.

• 1:25:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:25:35Speaker 05

  And I'm being attacked by heartburn.

• 1:25:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:25:37Speaker 05

  It's disgusting.

• 1:25:38Speaker 04

  I would say this, like I said, your body's giving you signals.

• 1:25:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, look, what, what the universe wants from us and what's probably gonna happen is that you and I both become bodacious, thin.

• 1:25:47Speaker 04

  We're gonna be so sexy.

• 1:25:48Speaker 05

  Sexy, chiseled.

• 1:25:50Speaker 04

  I do wanna get big arms. I don't wanna be not fat, but I do want fucking.

• 1:25:55Speaker 05

  I can't have you feel my muscles on here. I've done it too many times.

• 1:25:57Speaker 04

  That's fine.

• 1:25:57Speaker 05

  When the camera's cut.

• 1:25:58Speaker 04

  I'll, I'll feel them.

• 1:25:59Speaker 05

  I'll let you feel my muscles and my legs.

• 1:26:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:26:01Speaker 05

  You can feel my legs anytime you want to.

• 1:26:03Speaker 04

  Bro, first of all, who are you talking to? I'm the calf god. I won't even pull him out because you'll get fucking caftismorphia, dude.

• 1:26:10Speaker 05

  Mine are better than that.

• 1:26:11Speaker 04

  Fuck no. You're out of your fucking mind.

• 1:26:13Speaker 05

  Mine are better than that.

• 1:26:14Speaker 04

  You're out of your fucking mind. Let the people decide.

• 1:26:16Speaker 05

  Put your calf up. Good fucking luck.

• 1:26:18Speaker 04

  Dude.

• 1:26:19Speaker 05

  Good fucking luck getting one on these guys.

• 1:26:20Speaker 04

  Slap your shit, dude.

• 1:26:21Speaker 05

  You don't know shit about these guys.

• 1:26:22Speaker 04

  Dude, you're fucking out.

• 1:26:23Speaker 05

  Did you notice when you slapped yours, it had a jiggle? Mine doesn't move.

• 1:26:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, because I have fucking, mine's elastic. My shit can fucking, my shit can fucking adjust to the, you know what I mean?

• 1:26:33Speaker 05

  Mine doesn't need to. It's fucking rock solid. And let me tell you another thing. If Nicole were to charge at me right now,

• 1:26:40Speaker 05

  if Nicole were to come over her table, I would grab her by the side of the head and put her to the ground so fucking quick and use my leg to-

• 1:26:47Speaker 04

  Oh, that's cool.

• 1:26:48Speaker 05

  To pin down the arm so that there was no punching back. I could fight Nicole no problem.

• 1:26:52Speaker 04

  I agree with that. I don't know what that has to do with our calves. That you could, that you could assault your employee.

• 1:26:57Speaker 05

  Yeah. It has a lot to do with my calves. If I weak calf, she might charge me and win.

• 1:27:02Speaker 04

  I see.

• 1:27:02Speaker 05

  But because of my calves, I'm gonna get an angle on her where I could put her to the ground.

• 1:27:05Speaker 04

  I see. I have had this thought where I, I, I don't know that you could, but you know, I'd love to figure that out someday. I can't wait till she finally does attack you.

• 1:27:14Speaker 05

  I do think someday she will.

• 1:27:15Speaker 04

  Yeah. That's gonna be awesome. I, I've had this thought ever since fucking my backup. I've understood why people have guns now.

• 1:27:24Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:27:25Speaker 04

  Because like, now that I've heard, let's say I was in an assault situation, right? And I'm not gonna get a gun, right? Let me just say that.

• 1:27:31Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:27:32Speaker 04

  But before I fucked my backup, I always had that like dumb, like male idea that it's like, "Look, I'm not gonna fight anybody, but should push come to shove,

• 1:27:45Speaker 04

  I could tap into a secret well of alpha energy."

• 1:27:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:27:49Speaker 04

  And fuck anybody up, right?

• 1:27:51Speaker 05

  That I've been building up by being polite to people that are rude to me in public. Every time I haven't gone off on a guy that stepped too close to me on the sidewalk, that was me reserving it.

• 1:27:59Speaker 04

  That was me reserving the energy. Every time I couldn't make eye contact with a waitress because she forgot my extra serving of bacon, uh, that was me reserving it.

• 1:28:06Speaker 05

  I'm saving that for an intruder.

• 1:28:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've always had that, and I always, you know, I run my mouth too much. I'll talk shit. And now I'm realizing like, oh, because my bag is fucked up, I would just automatically lose every fight? Like in the past, that was obviously still true, but in my head, I didn't believe it, right? But now that I'm like, if I, I either have to stop talking shit, or I need a weapon. That's what I realized.

• 1:28:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:31Speaker 04

  And look, I'm not getting a gun, but now, I'll just say.

• 1:28:34Speaker 05

  Get a gun.

• 1:28:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, I do, I mean, first of all, how cool would like a pearl, like a pearl handle pistol? It looks nice.

• 1:28:39Speaker 05

  In your sock, yeah.

• 1:28:40Speaker 04

  In my sock, little.

• 1:28:41Speaker 05

  A little ankle, yeah. No, no, I don't wanna fight you. I'm just gonna surrender.

• 1:28:45Speaker 04

  I'm gonna surrender, yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm fucking surrendering my ankle. Really? Itches? Fuck you! You know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah, something like that. So-

• 1:28:53Speaker 05

  It's strapped in too tight.

• 1:28:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. I'm like, "Hold on one second." She's just beating the fuck out of me. She just caved my skull in with a trash can while I'm bending over to pick up my gun.

• 1:29:02Speaker 05

  No, I gotta, I gotta stop hanging out with lesbians for real because the point of getting a gun, these lesbians are coming over to my house and at every turn talking to me about the grid going down and us having to like fu- I just can't, it's like, they, but they won't, I'm not supposed to get a gun? What's the answer? Either the grid's going down and we're all fucked.

• 1:29:19Speaker 04

  I wanna get a gun.

• 1:29:20Speaker 05

  I know you wanna get a gun. And that's why I'm giving you, I'm telling you, there's never been a better time to be a person with good politics who wants a gun.

• 1:29:27Speaker 04

  You're right.

• 1:29:27Speaker 05

  A lot of people that used to be like, "Oh, that's horrible," are now kinda being like, "Whatever you need to do."

• 1:29:31Speaker 04

  Well, I'm scared of obviously having a gun and, you know, killing myself. Uh, that's kinda the main worry.

• 1:29:37Speaker 05

  Just don't do it.

• 1:29:38Speaker 04

  Ah, but sometimes it seems like a great idea.

• 1:29:41Speaker 05

  Killing yourself?

• 1:29:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:29:43Speaker 04

  Now, the gun is probably, that's a little too violent. I probably would just-

• 1:29:46Speaker 05

  That's not how you do it.

• 1:29:48Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:29:48Speaker 05

  And I know that about you.

• 1:29:50Speaker 04

  No, it would have to be, it would have to be theatrical. It would have to be, because I couldn't, if I did, if I took dr- like, I know the feeling of taking too many edibles and regretting it,

• 1:30:00Speaker 04

  but I would go to a hospital and have them pump my stomach in between. So I couldn't take pills. I would need to like, I don't know, jump or something, or like-

• 1:30:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, don't do, well, you'd have to make it away. It's not gonna inconvenience everybody, though.

• 1:30:12Speaker 04

  No, but you wanna make it about you.

• 1:30:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:30:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, maybe I'd be a classic sub, maybe, how about you find out when an enemy has a very important meeting and you jump in front of their train?

• 1:30:22Speaker 05

  I think that'd be awesome. Or kill yourself in front of your enemy.

• 1:30:24Speaker 04

  Oh, true. You did this. Gah!

• 1:30:26Speaker 05

  You know what I mean?

• 1:30:28Speaker 04

  This was you! Ah!

• 1:30:33Speaker 04

  And they're fucked. Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

• 1:30:34Speaker 05

  Unfortunately, Stav, you can never kill yourself because too many people would be delighted now.

• 1:30:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:30:40Speaker 05

  Like, that's just the thing about being a guy. Like, there's gonna be some people that are celebratory. You can't have them dancing on your grave.

• 1:30:46Speaker 04

  It's more the, it's more the like accident factor of a gun. Like, I don't think I'd ever actually kill myself, but I think what I would do is be high and be like, "Oh, what if I fucking kill a-" "Hey, fuck you." And I would just be shooting my friends as a joke, and then I forget there's one bullet in the chamber, and I'm like, "Ah, bam."

• 1:31:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:31:03Speaker 04

  And there goes Labor Day weekend for everybody.

• 1:31:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, I see that. I see that for sure.

• 1:31:07Speaker 04

  But, you know, I do like the idea of being of, maybe as you're abandoning lesbians, I think this is my year of-

• 1:31:15Speaker 05

  You pick them up?

• 1:31:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think so.

• 1:31:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, they need a guy like us around.

• 1:31:18Speaker 04

  I just don't, I think we're really missing out on, I have been very, I'm jealous culturally of what gay guys and straight girls get. Why don't straight guys and lesbians get a similar dynamic?

• 1:31:29Speaker 05

  I think a lot of them do.

• 1:31:30Speaker 04

  And I think it's time for me to just jump in there, really.

• 1:31:32Speaker 05

  I think you jump in there, and I think, you know, if anything ever happened to you, Stav, I would be destroyed.

• 1:31:37Speaker 04

  Thank you, man.

• 1:31:38Speaker 05

  You know, I text you yesterday because you posted that stupid fucking memorial bit.

• 1:31:42Speaker 04

  I would say what I posted was genius guerrilla marketing.

• 1:31:45Speaker 05

  You posted that stupid gorilla, that guerrilla marketing. You posted that stupid memorial bit, and I text you and said, "You know you're too big to be acting like this."

• 1:31:51Speaker 04

  Right, and that's where, that's where the internalized fatphobia shows.

• 1:31:55Speaker 05

  Ah.

• 1:31:55Speaker 04

  Oh, I thought being, you could be healthy fat as shit.

• 1:31:58Speaker 05

  Who said anything about healthy? You'll note I said sexy. You'll note I said sexy. I'm under no delusions.

• 1:32:10Speaker 05

  About my 2016 to 2017 weight.

• 1:32:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

• 1:32:14Speaker 05

  My last year of college, some things occurred that should not have occurred.

• 1:32:19Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 1:32:19Speaker 05

  Health wise.

• 1:32:19Speaker 04

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 1:32:20Speaker 05

  The, the mix of depression, not walking anywhere and, and access to student loans that I had led to some diabolical food choices that I will pay for.

• 1:32:31Speaker 04

  You basically, you, you made yourself veal for a year.

• 1:32:34Speaker 05

  Dude, worse, I didn't even do cool shit like that. I went to a place called Huhot. A Mongolian grill for every meal that I could convince someone to go. I will say I at least had the good sense to be like, if you find yourself there alone, it's too, you've too far. I would go and have-

• 1:32:48Speaker 04

  The Mongolian grill is like where you pick out the stuff and they grill it up for you?

• 1:32:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I would do three plates and the plates are not small. I would do like heaping plates. Go home so miserable, I couldn't do anything for hours.

• 1:32:57Speaker 04

  But that feels nice. As someone who has been in that zone, it feels nice finding your restaurant that's gonna drive you. It's both, it's, you're in an abusive relationship with one meal, basically.

• 1:33:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:09Speaker 04

  And it feels good.

• 1:33:10Speaker 05

  It feels really good to know that how good it's gonna hit.

• 1:33:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're like, fuck, there will be, there will be 10 minutes of this day that are incredible. The rest of them will be horrible on either side of it.

• 1:33:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's pretty bad.

• 1:33:21Speaker 04

  It will be bad, but those tend to, if we stretch it out 17 minutes, cause even by plate one and a half, you're already full.

• 1:33:27Speaker 05

  You feel bad.

• 1:33:28Speaker 04

  You're just still, the worst is when you're-

• 1:33:30Speaker 05

  You're chasing the dragon.

• 1:33:31Speaker 04

  The worst, yes, when you're in line, already mad at yourself, you haven't even gotten the food, you're like, this is gonna fucking suck. Like, this isn't the one. Where it's like, like, that's what I call like fat purgatory.

• 1:33:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:42Speaker 04

  Where you really wanna go to hell.

• 1:33:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:44Speaker 04

  But you can't even find the choice.

• 1:33:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:46Speaker 04

  So now, like, I did this where I was like, I was really fucking high and I just couldn't land on anything and I ended up ordering like fucking $80 of bad Italian food.

• 1:33:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:54Speaker 04

  I was eating pasta.

• 1:33:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:56Speaker 04

  Out of fucking plastic containers.

• 1:33:57Speaker 05

  Not good.

• 1:33:57Speaker 04

  By myself.

• 1:33:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:59Speaker 04

  $80 worth of it.

• 1:34:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:34:00Speaker 04

  I was like, I didn't know what I wanted, so I got all of it. Tough.

• 1:34:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, I didn't, I didn't know what I wanted and I convinced myself I'd save some for lunch tomorrow. So I went ahead and got four entrees.

• 1:34:09Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:34:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:34:10Speaker 04

  And then, you, if you're lucky, you never have it again. If you're not lucky, you wake up and you legitimately have it, not for lunch, for breakfast.

• 1:34:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:34:18Speaker 04

  And you just warm up, fuck, you put some tagliatelle, some fucking lasagna, the meatballs, you fucking mix it up into a fucked up, a fucked up little casserole, tastes like shit, you still eat it.

• 1:34:29Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 1:34:29Speaker 04

  And in your head, you're like, well, it's fucking, meatballs have protein.

• 1:34:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's good, it's good. I mean, what's the difference between this and bacon? Nothing.

• 1:34:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:36Speaker 05

  What's the difference, what's the difference between is a big fat guy conundrum?

• 1:34:39Speaker 04

  What's the difference between this and? Here's the most classic one for me, is when I started what's the difference in chicken tenders instead of fries?

• 1:34:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:34:48Speaker 04

  Cause I was like, I was like, well, listen, they're both fried.

• 1:34:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:34:52Speaker 04

  Right?

• 1:34:52Speaker 05

  You have a side of fries or a side of chicken tenders?

• 1:34:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, so if I get a burger.

• 1:34:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:34:56Speaker 04

  What's the difference?

• 1:34:57Speaker 05

  What's the difference in?

• 1:34:58Speaker 04

  In fact, you might be able to say, the chicken breast is healthier.

• 1:35:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:35:02Speaker 04

  It has protein, whereas the potato does not.

• 1:35:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:35:05Speaker 04

  And then, of course, you do that one time and then the second time you get chicken tenders burger and fries.

• 1:35:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:35:10Speaker 04

  Very quickly, you're like, well then, I'll get a small fry.

• 1:35:14Speaker 05

  What's the difference is the key question for the fat guy.

• 1:35:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:35:17Speaker 05

  What's the, and, and the answer is, there's a huge difference.

• 1:35:19Speaker 04

  Oh, there's always a gigantic difference.

• 1:35:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:35:22Speaker 04

  Well, you know, wheat bread and French toast, it's both, they're both bread. You know what I mean? It's like-

• 1:35:27Speaker 05

  That's me at Portillo's in Chicago deciding between a chocolate chip cookie and a, a cake shake.

• 1:35:33Speaker 05

  What's the difference? About 2,700 calories, my friends.

• 1:35:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the form factor is very important, you know what I mean? You're like, what's the difference between this chicken sandwich and, you know, fucking a whole family meal? You know what I mean? Like, what's the difference between one grilled chicken sandwich and like, you know, a bunch of nuggets?

• 1:35:52Speaker 05

  And, and a bucket of fried chicken?

• 1:35:53Speaker 04

  And a bucket of chicken, yeah. It's awesome.

• 1:35:55Speaker 05

  I think you know what time it is.

• 1:35:57Speaker 04

  You wanna go get some fried chicken after this?

• 1:35:59Speaker 05

  Fuck, I wish.

• 1:36:01Speaker 04

  And, and actually, maybe. I literally might go get fried chicken right now.

• 1:36:05Speaker 07

  No, you know it's time for a-

• 1:36:06Speaker 04

  Oh, hell yeah. You still owe me $50, you piece of shit.

• 1:36:10Speaker 04

  Where's my money?

• 1:36:11Speaker 05

  You owe me my backend on, on this upcoming special.

• 1:36:15Speaker 04

  Cheapskate.

• 1:36:16Speaker 05

  You ready?

• 1:36:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:36:17Speaker 05

  All right, 15, I'm gonna read you 15 statements, you're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.

• 1:36:24Speaker 04

  No, you won't.

• 1:36:25Speaker 05

  Hey, you don't know that.

• 1:36:25Speaker 04

  Cause I already fucking got it right last time.

• 1:36:27Speaker 05

  You don't know that.

• 1:36:27Speaker 04

  I didn't get fucking dick.

• 1:36:28Speaker 05

  We do pay.

• 1:36:29Speaker 04

  You didn't pay me, motherfucker.

• 1:36:30Speaker 05

  We don't pay, but we pay, we, we send a guest pay. Do you accept it?

• 1:36:33Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 1:36:33Speaker 05

  Do you accept the guest pay?

• 1:36:34Speaker 04

  Don't try and flip this on me. I want, give me a fucking crisp $50 bill. How about that, you motherfucker?

• 1:36:40Speaker 05

  We're running a business.

• 1:36:41Speaker 04

  You're like the Democrats who are like, everything's gotta be means tested. You gotta fucking do, you gotta do, you gotta fucking, you gotta apply for, for food stamps. How about we just feed the people, Caleb?

• 1:36:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:36:52Speaker 04

  How about we just give winners $50, don't make them jump through your fucking hoops?

• 1:36:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:36:56Speaker 04

  You know what you're doing. You've created a bureaucratic nightmare to keep me away from my $50.

• 1:37:00Speaker 05

  You know, this is why people talk shit on you behind your back so often.

• 1:37:07Speaker 05

  All right.

• 1:37:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:37:08Speaker 05

  The Wizard of Oz won the Oscar for Best Picture.

• 1:37:10Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:37:11Speaker 05

  False.

• 1:37:12Speaker 04

  Fuck.

• 1:37:12Speaker 05

  The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean.

• 1:37:15Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:37:16Speaker 05

  True. Randy Orton was discharged, discharged from the Marines for going AWOL.

• 1:37:20Speaker 04

  False.

• 1:37:21Speaker 05

  True.

• 1:37:21Speaker 04

  Fuck.

• 1:37:21Speaker 05

  The modern helicopter was invented in 1949.

• 1:37:24Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:37:25Speaker 05

  False, 1939. Mary Ansenek is the current principal of John Rura Elementary.

• 1:37:31Speaker 04

  False?

• 1:37:32Speaker 05

  True.

• 1:37:33Speaker 04

  She won't return my fucking emails, by the way. I'm, that's the elementary school I went to and I'm trying to do a fucking pro, I'm trying to give back and they won't let me.

• 1:37:41Speaker 05

  Of course, it's blood money.

• 1:37:43Speaker 04

  We don't want your podcasting dollars.

• 1:37:46Speaker 05

  These are working class kids. The atomic number of boron is four.

• 1:37:53Speaker 04

  Fuck, hydrogen is one.

• 1:37:57Speaker 04

  False.

• 1:37:57Speaker 05

  False, five. Honda is older than Toyota.

• 1:38:02Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:38:03Speaker 05

  False. The Red Hot Chili Peppers released two full albums in 2022.

• 1:38:08Speaker 04

  True?

• 1:38:09Speaker 05

  True. White beaked dolphins are the largest dolphin species.

• 1:38:13Speaker 04

  Uh, false.

• 1:38:14Speaker 05

  False, it's orcas. Astoria queens was named after Peter Francis Astor.

• 1:38:18Speaker 04

  False.

• 1:38:19Speaker 05

  False, it's John Jacob Astor. China has more lakes than any other country.

• 1:38:23Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:38:24Speaker 05

  False, it's Canada. Morris Chestnut once owned two Hyundai dealerships.

• 1:38:28Speaker 04

  I'm gonna say true.

• 1:38:29Speaker 05

  That is true. The Amazon River flows east to west.

• 1:38:35Speaker 04

  Uh, yes, true.

• 1:38:37Speaker 05

  False, it's west to east. The US Constitution was signed in 1787.

• 1:38:42Speaker 04

  No, false.

• 1:38:43Speaker 05

  True. Greece's motto is freedom or death?

• 1:38:48Speaker 04

  Yes, that is true.

• 1:38:49Speaker 05

  True. How do you do?

• 1:38:50Speaker 04

  Seven.

• 1:38:51Speaker 05

  Oh, stop.

• 1:38:51Speaker 04

  Fuck you.

• 1:38:52Speaker 05

  Oh, stop.

• 1:38:53Speaker 04

  Those are all-

• 1:38:53Speaker 05

  Fuck Chance, he writes-

• 1:38:54Speaker 04

  Helicopter 10 years off is bullshit.

• 1:38:57Speaker 05

  It's bullshit.

• 1:38:57Speaker 04

  Absolute bullshit.

• 1:38:58Speaker 05

  He's a bad guy and a villain.

• 1:38:59Speaker 04

  I crushed it last time, though. Whatever, who cares?

• 1:39:02Speaker 05

  You did crush it last time. I guess we'll just call it even on the 50 bucks.

• 1:39:04Speaker 04

  That's not how that shit works.

• 1:39:07Speaker 04

  You were gonna give me 100. Nice try. And you know, for a second, I was like, that seems fair.

• 1:39:12Speaker 05

  He's a good guy, he's a friend of mine.

• 1:39:14Speaker 04

  Hey, that's good, we'll call it even.

• 1:39:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, all right, let's just get out of it.

• 1:39:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:39:18Speaker 05

  Let's get out of it while we can.

• 1:39:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:39:20Speaker 05

  Oh, stop. All right, tell people where they can find you, how they can support Uncle Stav.

• 1:39:23Speaker 04

  Um, Netflix, baby. Not, you know, watch Uncle Stav, please, I worked very hard on it. We have a bunch of other shit, you know, I got my, we did a tour documentary, actually. There's seven episodes of this entire tour, which was like over, over two years long. It kept getting extended cause I broke my arm. I did a bunch of shit. So, we did a tour doc, um, so that's there. Ty, watch Tyres, watch Tony, all that, all that good shit, baby. I had, what about a fucking so true?

• 1:39:51Speaker 05

  What's your so true?

• 1:39:52Speaker 04

  I, my so true is live, laugh, love. They were cooking with that.

• 1:39:58Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 1:39:58Speaker 04

  Live, laugh, love is so true.

• 1:40:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:40:01Speaker 04

  It's true as fuck.

• 1:40:03Speaker 05

  Say that again.

• 1:40:03Speaker 04

  It's, I, I was, I was like, well, cause think about it, living is awesome.

• 1:40:08Speaker 05

  Say it.

• 1:40:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:40:09Speaker 05

  Loving.

• 1:40:10Speaker 04

  Gotta be number one.

• 1:40:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:40:12Speaker 04

  Laughing.

• 1:40:13Speaker 05

  Gotta be number one.

• 1:40:14Speaker 04

  When you're with your friends, what do you wanna do other than laugh? Bust a nut? And just experience everything.

• 1:40:20Speaker 05

  And by the way, interesting that busting a nut is loving to you.

• 1:40:23Speaker 04

  Well, that's one of, that's a type.

• 1:40:25Speaker 05

  That's a type of loving.

• 1:40:26Speaker 04

  There's erotic love, there's filial love, there's paternal, maternal love, you know? There's a lot of different options.

• 1:40:31Speaker 05

  Platonic love.

• 1:40:32Speaker 04

  And think about the opposite of live, laugh, love, by the way. Think about that.

• 1:40:35Speaker 05

  Oh, my God, die.

• 1:40:36Speaker 04

  Death.

• 1:40:37Speaker 05

  Die, cry, hate.

• 1:40:38Speaker 04

  Die, cry, hate?

• 1:40:39Speaker 05

  Fuck that.

• 1:40:40Speaker 04

  And we like to make fun of the, cause it's like, it's, it's, it's become a, it's wine o'clock somewhere.

• 1:40:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:40:47Speaker 04

  Type of thing. It's a wine mom thing. It's a making fun of, and by the way, crushes eat, pray, love.

• 1:40:53Speaker 05

  Crushes.

• 1:40:53Speaker 04

  Get prayer out of my-

• 1:40:54Speaker 05

  Fuck pray.

• 1:40:55Speaker 04

  Get, I'm not praying for shit.

• 1:40:56Speaker 05

  Fuck pray.

• 1:40:57Speaker 04

  Fuck that. Eat and love, all right, maybe, but eat is part of live.

• 1:41:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:41:00Speaker 04

  Eat is part of live.

• 1:41:01Speaker 05

  Eat is part of live. It's encapsulated under the umbrella of live.

• 1:41:04Speaker 04

  And to me, I'm just like, fuck, it's corny as fuck, but I'm, that's how much I've been beaten down by like having to actually work. That's how much achieving my dreams has negatively affected me personally, is that I am now saying, you know what, live, laugh, love is right.

• 1:41:20Speaker 05

  Live, laugh, love.

• 1:41:20Speaker 04

  Those motherfuckers, that, whatever middle aged woman came up with that, I tip my cap to her. I'm trying to live, I'm trying to laugh, I'm trying to love.

• 1:41:27Speaker 05

  Don't look into it because it was, we would probably find with a, a little bit of research that it was done by like Shell Gas Corporation to promote like driving to the lake or something.

• 1:41:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Hobby Lobby, it's deeply homophobic, probably.

• 1:41:41Speaker 05

  But it's probably not.

• 1:41:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:41:42Speaker 05

  You know what? It's probably not, cause we're not gonna look into it.

• 1:41:44Speaker 04

  Do we have the origins of live, laugh, love? I, now I wanna look into it.

• 1:41:46Speaker 07

  The phrase, it comes from a 1904 poem titled Success by Bessie Anderson Stanley.

• 1:41:52Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 1:41:53Speaker 05

  And that's, and let's not look into her.

• 1:41:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:41:55Speaker 05

  Let's not look into her.

• 1:41:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, Betsy was trying to get, uh, she was trying to get slavery reversed in the 1900s.

• 1:42:02Speaker 05

  And let's not look into her. Cause what she said was fucking beautiful.

• 1:42:06Speaker 04

  That's beautiful.

• 1:42:06Speaker 05

  Live, laugh, love is fucking beautiful.

• 1:42:07Speaker 04

  It's awesome.

• 1:42:08Speaker 05

  Being alive is a treat.

• 1:42:09Speaker 04

  And I love laughing and I love living.

• 1:42:11Speaker 05

  I love when you live and love and laugh.

• 1:42:12Speaker 04

  I love loving and I love laughing.

• 1:42:14Speaker 05

  I fucking love when you live, I love when you laugh.

• 1:42:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm trying to live, I'm trying to love, I'm trying to laugh.

• 1:42:19Speaker 05

  I'm laughing at your life, I'm laughing at your love, I'm loving your life and your laughter.

• 1:42:23Speaker 04

  Exactly. It's kinda perfect and I, catch me this fall, living, laughing and loving.

• 1:42:29Speaker 05

  I will catch you living, laughing, loving. Stav.

• 1:42:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:42:31Speaker 05

  That means the world to me that you said that.

• 1:42:33Speaker 04

  Thanks, man.

• 1:42:33Speaker 05

  I feel that we connect on many things, but sometimes I feel, no, I just don't feel it's very often that we connect on my sort of cornball.

• 1:42:41Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:42:42Speaker 05

  You know, corniness.

• 1:42:43Speaker 04

  Obsession with sunsets and life.

• 1:42:44Speaker 05

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 1:42:45Speaker 04

  And I love you. There was like a gasp, is this like Caleb's thing? Does he love saying live, laugh, love? Have I missed that?

• 1:42:49Speaker 05

  No, just no one expected you to-

• 1:42:52Speaker 05

  No one expected you to talk like that.

• 1:42:54Speaker 04

  I'm just copying off of you, but that's why, that's why it's so true. I had to plumb the depths of my psyche and say to myself, I have not been doing enough living, loving or laughing.

• 1:43:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:43:03Speaker 04

  I've been doing too much working, you know what I mean? Content producing and promoting.

• 1:43:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:43:08Speaker 04

  And that sucks dick compared to live, laugh, loving.

• 1:43:11Speaker 05

  Live, laugh, love is a beautiful sentiment. I think we reclaim it.

• 1:43:14Speaker 04

  We reclaim it.

• 1:43:15Speaker 05

  What you said here today was completely gorgeous.

• 1:43:17Speaker 04

  Thank you, man.

• 1:43:17Speaker 05

  And I do wanna thank you for saying it, and I could honestly get to a place of crying right now if I wanted to.

• 1:43:23Speaker 05

  Cause I do think it's that beautiful.

• 1:43:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:43:25Speaker 05

  That you said that, but it was extremely cool for you to say that.

• 1:43:27Speaker 04

  Thanks, man.

• 1:43:28Speaker 05

  And I send you my love.

• 1:43:28Speaker 04

  Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Um, and please, check us out next summer at Camp Not Gay Anymore. That's what I wanna plug.

• 1:43:35Speaker 05

  You know what?

• 1:43:36Speaker 04

  Check us out in, in the Catskills Camp Not Gay Anymore.

• 1:43:39Speaker 05

  In the same way that there's, uh, there's always money in the banana stand from Arrested Development, when you and I decide to do the, the duo tour Camp Not Gay Anymore and just fucking clean up.

• 1:43:50Speaker 04

  Forget about it.

• 1:43:50Speaker 05

  That tour makes a lot of money.

• 1:43:52Speaker 04

  Okay, actually.

• 1:43:53Speaker 05

  I know.

• 1:43:53Speaker 04

  We should cut the cameras.

• 1:43:55Speaker 05

  Let's cut the cameras.

• 1:43:55Speaker 04

  Cause like, I don't wanna go on a full tour next year, but what if we did like four dates together?

• 1:44:00Speaker 05

  Four's too small. Let's cut the cameras.

• 1:44:02Speaker 04

  Let's cut the cameras.

• 1:44:06Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir, gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.

• 1:44:22Speaker 01

  At Peloton, sometimes thinking big means thinking small. Introducing the new Peloton Tread Flex. Our first foldable and movable tread that's just about three feet stowed so you can roll it away. With an ultra quiet and comfortable belt that whispers while you run. Made to fit however you move and fit to move wherever you like. Let yourself run. Peloton. Explore Peloton Tread Flex at onepeloton.com.

• 1:44:51Speaker 02

  In this life, you can't win.

• 1:44:53Speaker 03

  When the world gets you down.

• 1:44:54Speaker 02

  No!

• 1:44:55Speaker 03

  Escape to Pluto TV.

• 1:44:56Speaker 00

  This is objectively fantastic.

• 1:44:58Speaker 03

  Relax into the movies and shows you already know and love, all for free.

• 1:45:02Speaker 02

  Shwing!

• 1:45:03Speaker 03

  Even our news is uplifting. You stay classy, San Diego. Watch School of Rock, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The X-Files, Wayne's World and so much more. We're not worthy! The best things on TV really are free. You just have to know where to look. Escape to Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.